The Love Bug (1997) - full transcript

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I'd like another shot at that prize money.

Okay for next Sunday?

No, Jim. It ain't okay.

- Now, look, Bice, I know...

- No, you look.

All of my drivers are 18, 19.

You're too old for these kid snorts.

You're liable to get hurt in there.

You used to be a big track driver.

Ain't you got no pride?

I ran out of pride when I ran out of cars.

Jim, you gotta look at yourself.

Okay, you start out all right.

You win a couple of tracks,

you think you're on your way.

But it didn't work out, did it?

(TROLLEY BELL RINGS)

Much obliged.

You need any money?

Nope.

Hey...

What do you do with this stuff?

It's for a friend.

(TORCH HISSING)

Hey, how'd it go?

Okay.

- I brought you something.

- Oh, thanks.

Oh, the poor thing.

I'll find a good spot for it.

You got hurt again.

- So?

- One of these days,

you're gonna get wiped out entirely.

Why you gotta be a driver?

Maybe that's not your thing, racing.

How about all those car agencies

down on Van Ness?

I bet that a top mechanic there

gets a lot of good bread laid on him.

What is the matter with everybody?

Can't you understand?

I'm not a mechanic!

I'm a driver!

I know just how you feel, Jim.

Hey, I used to think that I was happy

paintin' flower seeds.

Then one day, inside me,

there was this little voice, says,

"Tennessee Steinmetz."

I said, "What?"

It said, "You ain't happy." Well, I...

Tennessee, would you

tell me something?

Why is it the only thing we ever

have in this house is parrot food?

I mean, we don't have a parrot.

Hey, eat that. That's good.

That's pressed kelp.

That aerates your liver.

Then this voice inside of me

continued as follows...

"This is nowhere.

You gotta make a new scene.

"You gotta change your bag."

That's when I split.

I went to Tibet, to a mountaintop

with swamis and monks.

I discovered my real self.

It was wonderful.

I don't have to go to Tibet.

I know who I am.

I know what I want.

Hey, there are dirt-track races

at a carnival near Bakersfield this week.

If I can get over there,

I can pick up a couple of bucks.

Okay to use your wheels?

Yeah, okay, but I'm afraid

you're gonna have

a little trouble gettin' it started.

Where's the beast?

You didn't cut up the Edsel?

Came over me all of a sudden.

It was the only decent thing to do.

Believe me, Jim. It'll be happier up there.

(LAUGHS)

(TROLLEY BELL RINGING)

(BANG)

(KNOCKS)

(INAUDIBLE)

Are you all right? Are you dizzy?

Oh, no. Well, there's

a slight racking pain in my head.

Oh, I think you'd better sit down.

I'm really terribly sorry.

Well, it's not your fault.

I didn't mean to startle you.

Looks like you've been running

into all sorts of things lately.

Yeah. Oh, oh, this is just a little...

Oh, lady.

(LAUGHS) Oh, really, sir.

Excuse me.

Over 400 cubes...

Dual quads, all synchro box,

zero to 60 under five.

All right, Miss Bennett,

I'll see to this gentleman myself.

May I be of service, sir?

Uh, I see that you're a person

who appreciates fine things.

You're no doubt aware that this is

the celebrated Thorndyke special.

And allow me to say, sir,

that I think this car

would suit you very well.

Yes. Yes, it would.

Yes, may I offer you

a glass of sherry and a biscuit?

Go right ahead.

I take it that the question of price

does not greatly concern

a gentleman like yourself.

Oh, I wouldn't haggle,

if that's what you mean.

What price range did you have in mind?

About $75.

$75? (LAUGHS)

I could go 80 in a pinch.

What do you have in the

way of cheap, honest transportation?

Cheap, honest transportation.

I will bid you good day, sir.

Good day.

Hey.

Havershaw!

Now, where did this come from?

Mr. Thorndyke, yes, sir?

What is this thing doing

in my showroom, may I ask?

Oh, I believe Miss Bennett

may know something about this.

Yes, uh, you remember when Mrs. Van

Luit purchased her new Bentley?

Well, she also requested us to buy

a small used car for her upstairs maid.

Then why isn't her upstairs maid

in her blasted vehicle?

The car was returned

this morning, Mr. Thorndyke.

She was having some kind

of difficulty with it.

- Get it out of here.

- Yes, sir.

(BANG)

What's that for?

I beg your pardon?

JIM: Why don't you let

the little car alone?

Are you presuming to tell me what to do

in my own establishment?

Okay, I'm outta line.

It just bugs me to see somebody

abusing a decent piece of machinery.

(LAUGHS) Fascinating.

Well, now that we've had

the benefit of your point of view,

shall we regard our

relationship as terminated?

Havershaw!

Get this eyesore out of my showroom.

And if ever I find it here again,

someone is going to find himself

in a great deal of trouble!

Yes, sir. Watch your knees there, boys.

Here we go.

(GRUNTING)

Sorry. None of my business, is it?

Perfectly all right.

Good-bye.

Oh, good-bye.

(TROLLEY BELL RINGING)

(DING DING)

(BUZZ)

Good morning.

Good morning. What do you want?

Police.

Right. What do you want?

Forgive me for pointing,

but have you ever seen that car before?

JIM: No. No, I haven't.

Hey, he's a cute little fella.

JIM: Hey, wait a minute.

I think I saw that car

at an agency yesterday.

Now permit me to inform you

of the following.

First, say nothing that would

jeopardize your constitutional rights.

Second, the minute

that you get downtown,

I would advise

that you get a good lawyer.

Shall we go?

Go? What for?

On suspicion of grand theft.

Look, now, wait a minute.

There's something cockeyed about this.

How did that little car get here?

I share your curiosity.

Shall we go?

(LAUGHS)

I'll do it. Okay.

I'll do it, but I just want to go on record.

I have seen some crummy stunts

in my time used to sell cars,

but this beats everything!

To plant this bug

in the possession of an innocent man

- and then to accuse me of stealing it.

- How dare you, sir!

Are you suggesting that

I would stoop to such tactics?

That's exactly what I'm suggesting!

In the first place, it might interest you

to know that under

normal circumstances,

I would never sell a car to someone

with whom I'm not, well, shall we say,

socially compatible.

JIM: Socially compatible?

Please, please, let's not

go through that again.

I think we've worked it out very well.

Mr. Douglas needs a car,

and for a very low amount down,

and the usual monthly payments,

the car will become his.

Very well, even though

my personal inclination

is to have Mr. Douglas tapped into jail,

and this four-wheel contrivance

dropped into the bay!

I think Mr. Thorndyke is being very fair.

Fair? It's not fair! I'm being muscled!

I just want you to know

that I know I know it, and I don't like it!

I'll draw up the papers.

Would you come with me, please? Um...

Then get Mr. Douglas

and his acquisition

out of here before I lose my temper!

(SPLISH)

What the...

(TIRES SCREECH)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

What's the matter?

You from LA or something?

Fine. I thought we'd run over

to that new restaurant...

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(BOING)

Have you gone mad?

Okay, what's the joke?

What do you mean?

I don't know how you rigged it,

but I'm sure that car's a real cutup

when a convention comes to town.

If I wanted a trick car,

I would've bought one in a joke shop.

THORNDYKE: Allow me to say

that I haven't the slightest idea

what you're talking about.

You come blithering up

in that beastly little car,

and assault my personal Rolls-Royce!

I brought it back. I want my money,

I want the papers I signed,

and then I'll get out of here,

and you two clowns

can have your little laugh.

Mr. Douglas, if there is

anything wrong with the car,

would you be good enough

to tell me what it is?

There's nothing essentially

wrong with the car.

It's just that it wants to go one way,

and I'd like to go the other.

Whatever it is, none of it is covered

in our gilt-edged guarantee.

Oh, I'm sure of that.

If you examine paragraph 12...

Excuse me, Mr. Thorndyke,

but if I sold this gentleman the car,

I feel a certain responsibility.

Do you mind if I try it?

THORNDYKE: Miss Bennett!

Our dinner engagement.

I won't be a minute.

Seems to be acting all right now.

Sometimes new car owners have a

tendency to exaggerate their problems.

We get that all the time.

Believe me, when I was

in this car alone, it was...

Just treat it gently at first.

It really is quite a fine little automobile.

Have you had much

experience with cars?

Look, lady, by profession,

I'm a racing driver.

Oh, that Jim Douglas.

What do you mean, "That Jim Douglas"?

Let's see. Two years ago

at Laguna Seca, you spun out,

and hung a beautiful Buick Special

on the back fence.

At Willow Springs...

Was it a year ago last February?

...you sprayed a Lotus

all over the infield.

How do you know all that?

I have trouble with names and faces,

but I never forget a car.

I like good machinery.

Now, why don't you

give this little car a fair chance?

You bought it. Enjoy it.

You can drive me back now.

(TIRES SCREECH)

(MOTOR RUMBLING)

How about it, Dad?

Want to give that doodlebug a workout?

I'll go easy on you.

Be serious, will you?

(ENGINE STARTS)

(DING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Did you see this thing take off?

One of your showboat tricks,

Mr. Douglas?

I tell you, I had nothing to do with it.

Hey, we were turning.

Out of sight, man.

I wouldn't have believed it.

Groovy, Pop. Groovy.

Well, as long as the customer

finally seems pleased,

I'll just step out and find myself a taxi.

(DING)

(ENGINE REVS)

Will you stop the car, please?

I'm trying! Look!

It's just like I told you.

This thing's starting to act up again.

How very odd. When I was driving,

there was no problem whatsoever.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I can't seem to do anything with it!

Mr. Douglas, I'm asking you nicely

to pull over to that curb and let me out!

Look, I'm sorry about your date!

I really am!

I didn't want you to miss

your dinner engagement!

(HORN HONKS)

What's the rush, tiger? We got all night.

Good-bye, Mr. Douglas.

Here, I'll help you.

I can get out, thank you!

What'll it be, chief?

Oh, hey, look, we have

a little problem here.

Would you mind helping the young lady

get her car door open?

Look, I'm busy!

And furthermore, I ain't no mechanic.

All I do here is sell food,

and that ain't too good.

You want something, or don't you?

- Help!

- Uh, two hamburgers and a coffee.

Help!

Can you help me, please?

Help! I'm a prisoner! I can't get out!

We all prisoners, chickie baby.

We all locked in.

(SIGHS)

Hmm.

A couple of weirdos, Guinevere.

What... Wait a minute, now.

Hold it, hold it.

Let me open the door.

Hey, knock it off, will you, sis?

I ain't sayin' this is

the classiest joint in town,

but we gotta draw the line somewhere.

Come on, back in your seat.

Why don't you go up

to Seabreeze Point?

Fuzz don't bother you much up there.

Thanks.

I wish there was some way I could

make up for those hamburgers.

Mr. Douglas, please don't go on about it.

I'm quite sure that if I were driving, none

of these things would've happened.

(TIRES SCREECH)

It's all yours.

Now I think you'll see what's what.

- (ENGINE REVS)

- (TIRES SCREECH)

This is very embarrassing.

(ENGINE SPUTTERS)

Yes, it is.

I would've preferred

knowing you a little longer first.

Just a minute!

You don't for one solitary instant

dare to think that I drove

you here on purpose?

Oh, don't try to explain.

The point is, you brought me here.

I did not bring you here!

It's this nasty little car.

(ENGINE SPUTTERS)

But you said yourself earlier,

it's a very nice little car.

And as you said before,

it does have some peculiar traits,

and I agree with you completely.

As a matter of fact, bring it in tomorrow,

and I'll find a replacement for you.

I don't want the car replaced.

As a matter of fact,

I'm beginning to like it.

(ENGINE SPUTTERS)

Oh!

Don't panic, don't panic.

There must be someplace

I can call a taxi.

(ENGINE SPUTTERS)

(SIGHS)

Ohhh!

(ENGINE STARTS)

- Hey!

- (TIRES SCREECH)

You know, for a moment there,

I thought you weren't going to stop.

What's the matter now?

Hey, look, this is ridiculous.

Let's get back in the car, huh?

Hold it! Hold it, everybody.

Just a moment, please.

Something the matter?

Uh, is this man bothering you?

No, not exactly.

It's okay, we're together.

Is that your car?

My...

Well, yes. Yes it is.

Okay, then. Move along.

- Hey, bud!

- Yeah?

Not too smart wandering

around the park at night.

Right.

I'll drive.

(ENGINE STARTS)

She'll drive.

I should've given you a citation!

You ought to have enough sense

to put your brakes on

while your car is stopped!

(SPLASH)

(DUCKS QUACKING)

Well, then if everything that

you say about this car is true,

it's already starting to happen.

What's starting to happen?

Us human beings.

We had a chance to make

something out of this world.

We blew it. Okay.

Another kind of a civilization

is gonna take a turn.

Give me an 11 -mill wrench, will ya?

I'm sitting up on top

of this mountain, right?

Right.

I'm surrounded by these gurus

and swamis and monks, right?

- Right.

- I'm looking at my stomach,

I'm knocking back a little rice wine.

Mmm-hmm.

Got some contemplation going.

I see things like they are.

I could have told you

all this was coming.

What's coming?

Jim, it's happening

right under our noses,

and we can't see it.

We take machines,

and we stuff them with information,

until they're smarter than we are.

Take a car.

Most guys spread more love

and time and money on a car in a week

than they do on their

wife and kids in a year.

Pretty soon, you know what?

The machine starts to think

it is somebody.

I'm not saying that a mechanical thing,

it can't be a friend.

Like, when I was broke one summer,

there was this giant claw machine

in the Sutro Amusement Park.

And it would grab cameras and watches,

and drop them down a hole to me.

And I would hawk them and buy lunch.

- You follow me?

- Yeah, yeah.

I think you were up on

that mountaintop too long.

Contrariwise, the traffic light

down the street hates my guts.

I don't know why,

but in the last six weeks,

I haven't caught anything

but a stop signal.

And it makes me wait six seconds

longer than anybody else. I timed it.

There's things like that

happen to lots of other people, too.

But the other people,

they don't tell no other people,

because the other people

would say, "Ahhh..."

Tennessee,

that traffic light is a lot of nuts and bolts.

This little car, lot of nuts and bolts.

Everything explains itself

one way or the other.

You're not listening to me.

Don't lose your grip, old buddy.

This little car didn't do one thing tonight

that can't be explained

in terms of short circuits,

sprung doors, grabbing steering,

worn knuckles...

Maybe some advertising gimmick.

I'll fix it.

I don't think you got the picture.

I got a beautiful picture.

This baby happens to have

an extra turn of speed,

which is the only thing I care about.

You don't understand

what happens, do you?

They make 10,000 cars,

they make them exactly the same way,

and one or two of them

turn out to be something special.

Nobody knows why.

I know why.

I may be kidding myself,

but I think I can make something

out of that sad little bucket of bolts.

Save these. They'll be famous someday.

I'm your friend.

(BOAT HORN BLOWS)

Want to take a ride?

I want to check those adjustments

I made last night.

- Okay.

- Be right with you.

(DOGS BARKING)

(WHISTLING)

Hey! Come here!

All right, you guys, get out of there.

Out! Come on!

Who do you guys think you are?

Stop clowning around, will you?

Play it straight.

Don't give him any trouble.

You could have a good home here.

What's all that racket?

- Nothing, nothing.

- Oh. Hop in.

What'd I tell you?

Now it handles good.

All the bugs are gone.

Herbie's all right.

Who's Herbie?

This little car,

named after my Uncle Herb.

He used to box middleweight.

Preliminary mostly.

Gradually his nose

got shaped more and more

like to remind me of this little car.

Do you mind?

Whatever you say, Tennessee.

Herbie.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(HONK HONK)

I'll take them.

Thank you, sir.

What's that for?

An oil job.

Huh?

I got a small knock in my conscience.

Thanks.

(MOTOR REVVING)

Now we get down to business.

You gonna race?

What do you think?

Oh, boy, won't Herbie love that!

Le Mans, Monte-Carlo,

thrills, glamour, the roar of the crowd!

(MOTORS ROARING)

He really does drive.

If you could give me one good reason

for bringing me down

to this ridiculous desert...

Isn't that the scruffy little car

we had in the shop?

Now we're going!

(WHISPERING)

You're doing terrific, Herbie,

but don't make it look too easy.

Play it smart.

Okay, Jim, go ahead!

You're raring now!

So who cares? I'll tell you one thing,

I certainly don't intend losing any sleep

over that absurd car.

Come on. Come on!

Now, Herbie, now! Now!

(LAUGHING)

PA ANNOUNCER:

The winner, number 53,

Jim Douglas, driving a class D special.

- Congratulations.

- Thanks.

- Good race, Jim.

- Thanks, Ray.

Oh boy, was Herbie ever great today.

Hey, I was out there, too.

Wouldn't you say that was

a fair piece of driving?

Hey, I'm not trying to take

anything away from you,

but you gotta admit that this little guy

backed you all the way.

Yep. It's a nice little car.

You know something else?

For the first time in a long while,

I felt my real self out there today.

I mean, a sense of authority,

like the top drivers have, you know?

I kind of felt you felt that.

Tennessee, I wouldn't

admit this to anybody else,

but I was beginning to think

I'd never be anything more

than a piston-happy, lead-foot punk.

Then this starts to happen.

TENNESSEE: I'm glad for you, Jim.

You know that.

Well, hello.

I see you finally learned

how to handle this car.

Congratulations.

- Thank you.

- What have you done to this thing?

Oh, an adjustment here,

an adjustment there.

Do you want to sell it back?

I own most of it anyway, you know.

Still 23 payments to go.

Well, uh...

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll take the car

and give you $1,000 clear.

Now what do you say to that?

No! You don't want to do that.

It's all right, Tennessee.

I know what I'm doing.

I think Mr. Thorndyke is a little mixed up

as to who or what won that race.

And what does that mean?

Someday I'll teach you not to confuse

the car with the driver.

I should welcome the opportunity.

Mr. Thorndyke, I think that's

a very good idea of yours.

What is?

You're racing in the Libra Open

at Riverside the end of the month, right?

Yes.

I'm sure that Mr. Douglas

would like to get

the remainder of

his payments off his back.

No doubt.

But why should I think

that's such a good idea?

Well, if Mr. Douglas entered the race,

he could bet his share of the little car

against the remaining payment.

THORNDYKE:

What do you say, Douglas?

Winner to become

the sole owner of the car.

A moment ago you mentioned

teaching me a lesson.

Do I now detect a note of timidity?

Racing.

That's the name of the game, isn't it?

Win or lose, put up or shut up.

You got yourself a deal, Thorndyke.

Splendid.

The drivers' meeting is over.

Now the third race of the afternoon

will get underway here at Riverside.

You keep your eye

on your friend in the bug, my dear.

I'm going to squash him.

PA ANNOUNCER: Clear the grid!

Clear the grid, please.

Can't help feeling yippie.

If anything goes wrong,

we lose Herbie altogether.

I thought you were the guy

with all the faith in this car.

Yeah, I got it, yeah.

ANNOUNCER: And now the starter

has his flag in the air.

The engines are started,

and in just a moment

we'll have the start.

All the cars looking

very smart on the grid.

Drivers signify that they're ready to race

with their hands extended in the air.

The flag is up, and there they go!

(ENGINES ROARING)

ANNOUNCER:

All cars getting off to a very nice start.

Off the grid on the way to turn one.

We'll see how they shape up

as they go into turn one.

Cars stretching out now.

All cars off the starting

grid and through turn one.

To the open now.

Down the backstretch,

all by himself now.

Here is the number 14 car of Thorndyke

going into the sweeper turn.

The rest of the field all stretched out

as they charge down the backstretch.

Not yet, Herbie! Not yet!

ANNOUNCER:

The standings at lap 23...

Thorndyke still leading,

Lesser running second,

and Erwin in third place.

Now, Herbie, now!

(ENGINE REVVING)

ANNOUNCER: Now car number 53,

Douglas, starts to make a move!

Picking up cars

as he goes by car number 20,

into the sweeper very hard and fast.

Going through traffic,

passing number 23 now,

is car number 53, Douglas.

He has just come alive

and is making a challenge in this race.

Passing cars as he goes

down the back-straight.

Car number 53, Douglas,

making his bid.

Into the straight now

is Thorndyke, car number 14.

Now the pressure's on!

Douglas, number 53, is drawing close

on Thorndyke in the number 14 car.

Douglas has just come alive

and is pressing the leader now.

Now making his bid to pass

but he can't get by.

He's being shut off by Thorndyke

in the number 14 car.

(CHUCKLES)

Goes slightly off course,

takes out some oranges,

and apparently is out of control.

And goes crashing into

the number four shut off card.

(CHUCKLES)

Thorndyke continuing on

as the number 53 car left...

Now he's making his re-entry!

Look out!

(SPLAT)

MAN 1: Hey, nice going, champ!

Thank you very much.

MAN 2: Hey, what a champ!

Way to drive!

Just a moment, Mr. Thorndyke,

you don't have...

I demand that this thing

is impounded and checked!

I tell you, there's more going on here

than meets the eye!

(SPLISH)

(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)

Mucha suerte, señor.

Gracias.

A usted también.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(GUNSHOT)

(ENGINES ROARING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(CLUCKING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CROWD LAUGHING)

(MARIACHI MUSIC STOPS)

CAROLE: You don't look well

in these pictures lately.

How could I look well?

I haven't been able to sleep.

That rotten car is driving me piffy!

Has it occurred to you

that it may not be the rotten car?

Perhaps it's the way Mr. Douglas drives.

Balderdash!

There isn't a driver in the world

who can get that speed

out of a car like that.

No, he's done something to it,

and I've got to find out what!

You've become obsessed

by this whole thing.

There are other cars, other races.

Why don't you just forget it?

My dear child, how little you know me.

Yes, Mr. Thorndyke.

Carole?

How long have you been with us?

A year and a half, almost two. Why?

You know, I'm afraid

I've been a little remiss

in not telling you long before now

how very well you've proved

in all your duties.

Well, thank you.

And Carole?

As I realize you have the best interests

of this organization at heart,

I want you to accede

to a somewhat unusual request.

- Oh?

- (TELEPHONE RINGING)

Peter Thorndyke.

It's for you.

All right, you can take it here.

Thank you.

Yes, good afternoon.

Oh, I think that should be quite all right.

Uh, 7:30 will be fine.

Yes, uh, bye.

- I think I'll...

- I'd like you to see this Douglas fellow.

Get to know him.

Who knows? If he has the talents

of which I believe him capable,

perhaps we can give him the opportunity

of joining our organization,

racing under our colors, but first

we must know something about him.

- How about tonight?

- Very good.

At 7:30?

Very good. Why waste time?

Oh, and, Carole, another thing.

Leave your car.

Take the special. He likes that one.

Uh, thank you.

(LAUGHS)

I think I ought to tell you that

that was Mr. Douglas who just called.

Excellent. Strike while the iron is hot.

In all honesty, I should like to point out

that I agreed to have dinner with him

before you suggested it.

Well, I salute your honesty, my dear.

A quality not necessarily

to be despised.

Thank you.

A very loyal girl.

(WHISTLING)

Got Herbie all polished out for you.

Uh, Carole Bennett called back.

She's gonna pick me up in the special.

You mean you're not taking Herbie?

He's looking forward to some relaxation

just like you are.

The car is... (HORN HONKS)

See you later, Tennessee.

Some thanks after what

Herbie did for you.

Don't let it get you, Herbie.

Jim didn't mean it.

Don't forget, he isn't the first guy

ever to lose his head

over a bucket seat and a paint job.

He'll come to his senses.

(DOOR BELL BUZZING)

Good evening.

Sorry, the other rats

are out for the evening!

No, no, please.

I didn't come by to see Mr. Douglas.

I just came by to pay my respects

to that gallant little car.

Huh?

There it is.

What a marvel it is, indeed.

I don't get you, fella.

Oh, come, come, sir, I know a rare bit

of machinery when I see one.

And after all, who should know it

better than I?

I, who have been trounced

time and again by this paragon.

You will forgive me for saying so, sir,

but it does take class to know

when it has been defeated by class.

You know something, Mr. Thorndyke,

I may have misjudged you.

Well, thank you.

I've been misjudging

a lot of people lately.

Would you like a drink?

Some Irish coffee?

Specialty of the house,

my own mother's recipe.

That's very kind of you, I'd love it.

I'll be back in a jiffy!

Well, that's most kind.

Thank you so much.

It's just incredible, isn't it, to think

that this innocent-seeming object

is capable of such great deeds.

(HISSING)

How, indeed.

The trick is, always remember

to have asbestos gloves

when you make coffee this way.

THORNDYKE: Definitely, yes.

Yes, quite fascinating.

Here we go.

Ooh! Oh! Oh...

(CHUCKLES)

How very refreshing.

Well, thank you.

Up the Irish.

To the little car, a gallant adversary,

and may the best car win at Riverside.

- May the best car win.

- Yes.

Oh, that's very good, isn't it?

Very good, indeed.

Like it?

What do you think?

I can't stand that hungry look any longer.

Take over.

You know what I said to myself

the first time I saw you?

What?

I said to myself, now, there's a real lady.

This is how it ought to be.

Me and these kind of wheels.

Excuse me asking, but aren't you

doing all right with the little car?

Sure.

But can you imagine how I'd make it

with equipment like this?

Is it so important to you?

Without a real car, I'm only half a man.

What part of Ireland

did you say your mother came from?

Coney Ireland.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

I'm gonna make some more coffee.

(LAUGHING)

(TENNESSEE SINGING SOFTLY)

(HUMMING)

(LAUGHING)

Well, would you like a spot of this?

I like a spot of anything.

I'm so sorry.

Then we're gonna drink to Herbie.

Greatest little car in the whole world.

Yes, quite right. Hear, hear.

Hear, hear.

To Herbie.

To Herbie. I'm so sorry about your hand.

I do apologize.

Mmm! Herbie.

What do you know? The engine stalled.

How 'bout that? Door's stuck.

Mmm.

That's how it is with cars sometimes.

Yes, mmm.

Guess we'll have to wait and see

what happens next.

Well, as someone very wisely once said,

"That's how it is with cars sometimes."

I just said that.

Oh.

I wonder if your reputation

is altogether true.

What's my reputation?

Oh, I've heard that Jim Douglas

is only interested in

fast cars and easy money.

Not true.

- Oh?

- Mmm-hmm.

You know something else?

What?

When the light hits you just right,

you're as beautiful as General Grant

on the $50 bill.

(FLUIDS SWISHING)

Oh, dear me.

You want to know

the secret of the little car?

I do, indeed.

I'll tell you the secret of the little car.

No, just a minute.

All right, tell me.

It's heart.

That's what it is... Heart.

Heart.

Yes, well, I'm certainly

going to make a note of that.

- (ENGINE REVS)

- (PEOPLE CHATTER)

Headache gone?

All gone.

Anticipation of victory

is the purest form of aspirin.

This is my day.

PA ANNOUNCER: Clear the grid.

Clear the grid, please.

You seem very confident.

You know, I believe I am.

ANNOUNCER: There is some passing

as they leave the starting grid.

Going for turn one.

Field stretching out now.

Everybody into the turn

went very nicely.

Very fine field of cars here,

and coming through traffic now,

making a move is Peter Thorndyke

in the number 14 car,

picking up a few cars in that turn.

Now he comes by and picks up three

more cars, going into the lead now.

Thorndyke leading this race

in car number 14.

Now making a move is

car number 53, Douglas,

who also picks up about three cars

as he goes charging into the traffic,

and is in hot pursuit

of Thorndyke in the number 14 car.

As they go down the back-straight,

coming on very hard to pass now

and Douglas, number 53,

making the pass.

Attaway, Jimmy boy!

Go, Jimmy! Ha, ha, ha!

So far Jim Douglas seems to have

everything pretty much to himself.

He comes through the S's

into turn six well in control.

- (CLUNK)

- (BOING)

(BOING)

ANNOUNCER:

As we come down the back-straight,

Douglas is slowing down

and Thorndyke goes rocketing by

into the sweeper turn.

It looks as though the Douglas

car is having trouble.

Yes, number 53 is fading fast.

It is developing a problem of some kind.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Come in! Come in!

Come in!

(HERBIE BELCHING)

(SPLAT)

Irish coffee.

(SPUTTERING)

- (POPPING)

- (COUGHING)

(BOOM)

(CROWD CHEERING)

I'll be here all night if necessary.

Ha, ha, ha!

I can take any amount of this.

Right, there we are.

Don't worry, little guy.

You'll be home soon.

There we are.

Right, right you are.

Do you mind standing clear?

They want me on my own.

I'll see you in a minute.

(SQUIRTING)

(SPLAT)

(LAUGHTER)

Poor little fella.

You got a temperature.

Don't worry, Jim will be back soon.

He never would have left

if it hadn't been something important.

- (SPUTTERING)

- (BELCHING)

I know, nothing worse

than an Irish coffee hangover.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

That you, Jim?

Mind if I come in?

Sure, come on.

I wouldn't blame you if you threw me out.

On account of what Thorndyke did?

How can I blame anyone?

Thorndyke ruined the little car

right under my nose.

- Where's Jim?

- Don't know.

He went out as soon as we got back.

Didn't say a word.

Left Herbie and me flat.

Doesn't he take care of his car

after a race?

Can you do something?

Like what?

Well, uh, help the little car.

I'm not a mechanic,

but I think it's suffering.

Suffering?

Please.

Mind if I use those coveralls?

Right.

Oh, uh, look, I want to tell you

so you don't have to worry.

I'm not with Peter Thorndyke anymore.

I don't think his way.

Oh, I know that.

How do you know?

Well, Herbie wouldn't like you,

otherwise.

Herbie wouldn't like me?

Miss Bennett...

I gotta level with somebody.

I can't talk to Jim.

Oh, it would destroy him.

You don't know what it was like

before the little car came along.

Jim was defeated. It was murder.

He couldn't get a job.

He got into trouble.

Everybody was on his back.

Then Herbie came into his life.

You remember that day?

I remember.

Well, Jim started winning races again,

he got his self-respect back.

What am I gonna do?

Tell him that it was Herbie

winning those races, not him?

Uh, was it Herbie?

Well, I...

You fix the little car.

I'll tell you what's going on.

I didn't know nothing.

Then I went to Tibet.

I plugged into this contemplation thing...

(RUNNING SMOOTHLY)

How's that sound?

Like the song of a bluebird.

Well, the fuel lines are clean,

plugs are clean, wiring checks out.

Looks like we're in pretty good shape.

Herbie and I sure appreciate it.

You don't believe a word I said

about this little car, do you?

Well, there's always a first time.

I imagine Adam thought woman

was a pretty funny piece of equipment

when he met Eve.

Well, that's a start.

You can't believe it all right away.

It takes time.

(MOTOR RUNNING)

- Well, hello there.

- Hi.

What's this?

You ever see anything so beautiful?

Very nice.

What's the big idea?

You already got a car.

Not after what happened today I don't.

Ah, shut up. You want

Herbie to hear you?

Now don't start that again, Tennessee.

Look, the El Dorado is coming up.

There are real cars lined up in there.

I need something that can cut it.

- Herbie's cut it so far, hasn't he?

- Of course he has!

Now, hold it, you two.

I've done great with this little car so far,

thanks to a few changes I made

and, if you don't mind,

some pretty fair country driving.

But I gotta stop kidding myself.

I need a big, strong car.

Now I got it.

Don't pay any attention.

Don't even look at it.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(RINGING)

Hello?

Peter Thorndyke here.

Well, well.

Yeah, yeah, Thorndyke,

I know what you did to my car.

You need your brains kicked out.

Well, you can imagine how I must feel.

You see, I'm simply not responsible

when I've been drinking.

You know how it is.

Forget it. And good-bye.

Wait, wait, wait.

I understand from a friend of mine

that you purchased

a new Lamborghini today.

So?

I'm also informed that you owe

a great deal of money on it.

Now, myself, for sentimental reasons,

I like the little car,

and I'm perfectly willing

to increase my previous offer

and give you $1,500 for it.

Now, immediately.

I'm in the vicinity.

Thorndyke, I don't like you.

But I can use your money.

You got yourself a deal. Come and get it.

What do you mean

you got yourself a deal?

- I'm selling the little car.

- You're what?

Don't make a fuss. I need the money.

You crumb! You can't do that to Herbie!

Carole, will you tell him how it is?

Out in the real world?

Me? Ha!

Well, near as I can figure it,

I'm not too smart either.

I get rid of one heel

just in time to find another.

Well, now, what happened to you?

I thought you'd be on my side.

Not when you do something

like this to Herbie.

Has everybody gone nuts around here?

I can understand how Tennessee feels.

He's just in off a flying saucer.

But you... I thought you made sense.

Something tells me

it's very, very wrong to sell that little car.

Well, thank you for your opinion,

but what am I supposed to do?

Now, I need the money.

Tennessee, if I don't sell...

Don't talk to me.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have butted in.

You're absolutely right.

As a matter of fact, I don't know...

What are you doing here?

I wish I knew.

I really wish I knew!

(BANGING)

If I weren't so young and innocent,

a certain thought might enter my mind.

Such as?

Such as you went out with me last night

so that Thorndyke could get

a shot at the little car.

Is that what you think?

You gotta admit it's tempting.

Okay. Okay, you want to know

what I was doing here?

Well, I felt sorry about

what happened today.

So I quit Thorndyke and came over here

like a full-grown idiot

to find out if I could make up

for it in some way.

Well, isn't that a beautiful

thought for the day?

Very touching. Makes me glow.

I think it's just about time

someone told you what the score is.

You see, Tennessee's

too tenderhearted.

You really think it was you

winning those races?

Yes, I think it was me winning...

What do you mean

it wasn't me winning...

Pardon me.

All right. Do you want me

to tell you something,

my windbag friend?

I admit, I didn't believe it

when Tennessee told me before,

but now I see it makes all kinds of sense.

What?

That thimble head of yours

has gotten all swelled up.

You're not winning any of those races.

You couldn't win a game of marbles

from a 12-toed myopic rhinoceros!

Let me... Will you knock it off

out there, Tennessee?

Can't hear myself think.

I'm not out there, crumb, I'm here.

Well, hold it down. I'll...

(BANGING)

Well, then what's this noise?

No!

Stop it! Stop it!

You don't know what you're doing!

Look! Look what it did to my car!

Okay, okay, maybe it was a little jealous!

Of course it's jealous.

It's always been jealous

because I get credit

for winning those races.

(ENGINE STOPS)

Go on. Realize what you're saying?

(DROPS SHOVEL)

At a time like this,

whatever kind of time it is,

I always say that money

serves to ease the pain.

Good evening, my dear.

Here you are, sir.

$1,500 for the small car,

just as I promised.

I note it's not in mint condition,

but I am nothing if not

always a man of my word.

(CHUCKLING)

Uh, 2,000!

What about 2,000?

It's the least I can do

to help a fellow human at a time like this.

Shall we consider it a deal?

$2,000?

Yes.

$2,000 for that little beat-up car. Why?

Well, I suppose you could say

I have a warm place in my heart

for the dear little thing.

You don't have a warm place

on your whole body.

What do you want it for?

You don't want it. I do. Take the money.

- You! You, too!

- There's no need to be abusive.

I'm simply trying to

give you some money!

I don't want your money!

What do you want the car for?

Well, I... I...

You believe it. You believe it, too!

THORNDYKE: Believe what?

Jim, it don't matter

whether you believe Herbie or not.

Herbie don't believe in you no more.

What?

Well, where'd he go? Where is he?

Took off. What do you expect?

Well, come on, let's find him!

This is a private thing

between the two of you.

Good luck.

Herbie!

Herbie!

(CHUCKLES)

A rum lot you've taken up with, my dear.

You better find that car

before I do, my friend.

WOMAN ON PHONE: Operator.

Mobile KQX2942,

I want 567-3998.

Havershaw?

I shall require the personnel

of both our day and night shifts.

We have a small task to perform.

Herbie!

Herbie!

(CLUNK)

(CLUNK)

That's it.

(MOTOR WHIRRING)

JIM: Herbie!

(HIGH-PITCHED HONKING)

(HONKS)

Excuse me.

Havershaw, tear it apart!

All right, boys, you heard

Mr. Thorndyke. Tear it apart.

THORNDYKE: I'm gonna

find out what makes it tick!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

- After it!

- After it!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Go on, grab the brute!

Hang onto it, you fools! Hang on!

(ENGINE REVVING)

(SCREECHING)

(BAND PLAYING)

Herbie!

(ENGINE REVVING)

(HONKING)

(BEEP)

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Give me police station!

Hello! Police station!

(HIGH-PITCHED HONKING)

Herbie!

(HONKING)

(MOTOR RUNNING)

Hey, you!

Did a little car come by here?

Yeah, just did without paying the...

(ENGINE REVVING)

No, Herbie! Don't!

(ENGINE REVVING)

Herbie!

(SCREECHING)

Herb! Back up!

Herbie?

Come on, baby, it's gonna be

a beautiful day tomorrow.

Oh!

Herbie, give me some help!

Herb?

I can't hang on much longer!

(SCREECHING)

(REVVING)

(SIREN WAILING)

Boy, was he lucky.

This little car saved his life.

What do you mean,

the car saved his life?

That's what it looked like

for a moment there...

(CHUCKLES)

You know how funny things can look

in the fog sometimes.

I think you've been up on that

Haight-Ashbury beat too long.

(MEN SHOUTING IN CHINESE)

(LOW HONKING)

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

(RATTLING HONK)

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Swing that light over here.

(HONKING)

(BEEP)

Aha!

- What's that thing?

- It's a dried squid, Sergeant.

Mmm.

- Here's the damages.

- Can you pay it?

I'm sorry. I have no money.

Then your car will be impounded.

My guess is, the judge will order you

to sell it at auction

and the proceeds given to Mr. Wu.

TENNESSEE:

Wait a minute.

May I please speak to

the gentleman, please?

I spent some time up on

a Chinese-type mountain

teaching English to some of them.

You taught English?

Let's don't get personal.

It's a matter of talking their language.

You have a little feel for tradition

and some courtesy, you'd be surprised.

You can unscrut the inscrutable.

Go ahead.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Ah...

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

- Herbie?

- Herbie!

Oh!

Oh! Things are shaping up.

He's a car buff.

Good, good.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

Wow.

- What's the matter?

- We just got a new problem.

He likes the car so much

he wants to keep it.

Okay, the car is his, but he has to let me

drive it in the El Dorado.

Now, if I win,

tell him he gets to keep the prize money,

but he has to sell Herbie

back to me for a dollar.

Now you speak my language.

(LAUGHING)

ANNOUNCER: Attention, drivers and

owners, report to Mr. Granatelli

at the president's headquarters.

Further, you must remain

on the secondary roads,

which have been posted for this race.

Other than that, we've tried to reduce

the rules to a minimum.

Instead of all this technical

mamby-pamby there's so much of today,

we're putting the emphasis on

speed, endurance, and courage.

The way it used to be.

(APPLAUSE)

As you know,

this is open formula racing.

Anything goes.

Any style of car and crew you wish.

The object, gentlemen, is to win.

I wish you all the very best of luck.

(APPLAUSE)

Tang Wu, I understand that you are

the new owner of the Douglas car.

As I, too, am interested in the vehicle,

I took the liberty of looking you up.

Thank you.

You will therefore forgive me, sir,

when I say that you are perhaps

not quite as naive as you look.

In point of fact,

you are a very shrewd operator,

one who has managed to acquire,

by one means or another,

legitimate means, of course,

a number of varied enterprises.

It is truly written,

one cannot lose them all.

In the light of this,

would you entertain a sizable wager

on the outcome of the race?

Wager?

The goddess of fortune will always

find me her most ardent suitor.

Splendid, splendid.

Shall we step in here?

A little more private.

You're Mr. Thorndyke.

I've always wanted to meet you.

You've heard of me? How charming.

Are you not the gentleman

who originated the idea of small print

on bottom of automobile sales contract?

The very same.

A most worthy adversary.

You are most kind.

And now, sir, the terms of our wager.

What would you like?

What have you got?

(CHUCKLING)

Ahem.

Okay, let's mount up.

How's our little friend?

I hope it holds together.

Holds together?

It was so beat up,

I had to cut the frame to straighten it out.

Excuse me.

(CHUCKLING)

Is this the morning bus to Fresno?

Thorndyke, this little car goes so fast,

we need three people inside

just to hold it on the ground.

Well, you certainly picked the right crew.

Toodle-oo.

Break a leg, Thorndyke.

Havershaw, I trust you've not

been wasting your time.

Spent a few useful moments

with the small car?

Yes, sir.

Based then on what you now know,

what would you say

are the chances of victory

for the Douglas car?

I would say that they range

from slight to impossible.

Havershaw,

you are a rat after my own heart.

Thank you, sir.

Gentlemen, start your engines!

(ENGINES REVVING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

You're giving it a nice ride.

Okay to uncurl my toes now?

We past everybody?

Everyone but Thorndyke.

Let's go to work.

They're coming up on us, sir.

Well, we're not too concerned, are we?

Now, Havershaw, aren't we coming

to that rather dangerous,

oily spot in the road?

Coming right up, sir.

(CHUCKLING)

(SCREECH)

Come on, push!

Push, you worm!

Jim, that's water!

Here we go!

Mr. Thorndyke, that isn't me!

Give me something to wipe my goggles!

Havershaw,

did you ever think of having a manicure?

There they are.

Now watch me blow them off the road.

(HONKING)

Who's the guy in the fur coat?

This is no time for eating, you fool!

Where are we?

How far is Chinese Camp?

What's the matter with you?

Don't you even know

how to open a map?

(GROWLS)

(GROWLS)

Ahhh!

(SQUEALS)

(SIGHS)

(ROARS)

Ahhh!

At the moment, the leaders of the race

are approaching the historic

mining towns of the mother lode.

In first position, as he moves past

checkpoint three, is Jim Douglas.

Peter Thorndyke, in the special,

has regained his relief driver

and is rapidly making up lost ground

as the two pacemakers near the famous

old mining community

of Chinese Camp.

(SPUTTERING)

- Now what?

- I don't know.

We can't be out of gas this soon.

Here.

Wait a minute. I got a suspicion.

What's the matter?

Just as I thought... Water.

They did it again.

Now what do we do?

Give me the map.

All right, it looks like Chinese Camp's

about three miles from here.

Now, if we come down the...

Hey.

What goes?

No sweat, man.

This is Uncle Wu's car.

You don't think he'd let

anyone put it down, do you?

Easy, fellas.

The Jim Douglas car appears

to have run into trouble.

There has been no sign of him

past checkpoint nine.

Peter Thorndyke is refueling

at Chinese Camp.

(BELL DINGS)

(GONG RINGS)

Come on, come on, will you?

I'm in a hurry!

Sure thing. I tell father.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

My father say hurry is waste.

Waste is cracked bowl,

which never know rice.

I don't care how cracked

your father's rice bowl is.

What I want...

(BELL DINGING REPEATEDLY)

(GONG RINGS)

Hey! Some of you people

get over here right away!

Okay, you're on your way!

Hooray! Hooray!

I'm getting out of here.

Not full. Can't go yet.

Oh, just you watch me.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(DRIPPING)

As we come to the midway point

in the first day's racing,

Peter Thorndyke, after

a delay at Chinese Camp,

is beginning to catch up

with the rest of the field.

(ENGINES ROARING)

(HONKING)

(LAUGHING)

That knocked him off

the Christmas tree, sir.

(LAUGHING)

This is our kind of terrain

from here on out, all downhill.

How true it is that the best ways

are the simplest ways after all.

That's what I always say, sir.

Oh, shut up!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

We should be coming soon to what is

either a rail tunnel or a bridge.

Oh, here's a tunnel. That must be it.

TENNESSEE:

What are you doing?

It's an elevator.

But Herbie doesn't fit.

Everybody out.

No sign of them.

You may open the wine now,

Havershaw.

It's chilled the way you like it, sir.

JIM: All right, give me a hand.

Altogether now.

(PULLEY SQUEAKING)

To you, sir. My unbounded admiration.

Thank you.

Mmm. You know something

about champagne, sir?

Havershaw, if you tell me

that the bubbles tickle your nose,

I shall probably kill you!

Eek!

Get rid of that slop.

(TIRES SQUEAL)

Shouldn't that wheel

have come off by now?

It's long overdue, sir.

I'm terribly embarrassed by the delay.

I don't know what...

Stop whimpering!

I'll just give them a friendly nudge.

(TIRES SQUEAL)

Hey, where'd that wheel come from?

(SCRAPING)

(TIRES SQUEAL)

(CRASH)

JIM: Hold it!

All right, don't do anything sudden.

Is it all right if I just cry real soft?

Carole, put your feet

back here on the bumper.

Now give me your hand.

Let go, let go. Give me your hand.

I'm trying, but my mind

don't get the message.

Come on, come on.

Now come right over the top.

Atta-boy.

All right, let's get the spare wheel on

and get Herbie back on the road.

Thorndyke again.

He made a pizza out of it.

ANNOUNCER: And now,

here in Virginia City,

the terminal point for

the first day of the El Dorado,

we're all looking down

the road from the west.

And, actually, at any moment now,

we should be seeing the car that will

complete the first half of the El Dorado,

the run for the gold.

Up in the judges' stand,

the judges and the timers are ready.

Just a moment.

The first car is coming

in sight right now.

He is really flying down the road.

And there he goes by us.

(CHEERING)

(SCRAPING)

You making it all right, Tennessee?

Uh...

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Waah!

Whoa!

Stop, Jim, will you?

Waah!

Now, don't anybody breathe.

JIM: Ready?

(SCRAPING)

Aah!

Actually, at this hour,

only one car is unaccounted for.

There's been absolutely no word

of the Douglas special,

which figured so very prominently

in the early stages of the race today.

Well, I see the judges

are closing down for the night,

and, by golly, so are we,

but we'll return to the El Dorado

at 7:30 tomorrow morning

to bring you the start

of the second and the final lap

back to Yosemite Valley.

Good night, everyone.

(WHEEL RATTLING)

(BLOWTORCH HISSING)

A little bird's nest soup

never hurt anyone.

Thanks.

Oh, thanks.

I hope this holds together.

I'm putting welds on top of welds.

(ENGINE SPUTTERS)

(SIGHS)

Mr. Wu, the wiring

is mostly all burned off.

The cylinder walls are scored.

The carburetor is a mess.

The body's sprung.

This little car ripped itself to pieces

trying to get us here.

It gave us everything it's got.

Now, maybe we could

patch it back together,

I don't know, but...

How can I send it back

into that rat race tomorrow?

It's got nothing left to give.

It's your car.

What do you say?

(SIGHS)

A wise man once said...

"When you come to last page,

"close the book."

(CLICK)

You let that little car

get under your skin, didn't you?

I don't know.

There's a lot of gloop

been written about it.

The bond between a man

and his automobile

and how he hates it sometimes,

mostly, how he loves it.

Showers gifts on it in the way

of accessories and all that.

He gets hysterical

if somebody scratches the paint

or makes it lose face on the freeway.

Maybe some of those feelings

got into the machinery, I don't know.

Tennessee thinks so.

Don't you?

There is something real

about that little car,

something that doesn't

even have a name.

What I don't understand is,

out of the millions of people in the world,

why it picked a dog-eared

second-rater like me.

You stood up for it once.

I guess it thought you were

worth belonging to.

I understand that.

(TRUCK ARRIVES)

Ah, Douglas.

Didn't mean to disturb you.

We'll just take the car and go.

Take the car?

What are you talking about?

I understand that you are out of the race.

What does that have to do with you?

Speaking as the new owner of the car,

I regard your question as impertinent.

I'm going to hoist it up and drag it out.

Hold it!

Who said you were

the new owner of the car?

Perhaps Mr. Wu would like to explain

how he wagered the car

on the outcome of the race.

Even as you, I believed in the little car.

I thought it would win.

More honestly,

I could not resist the odds.

Thank you.

THORNDYKE: Good sir,

would you say that

this is a compact car?

You do not answer.

Well, let me tell you

that you have never seen a compact car

until you see what

I'm going to do with this.

Mr. Douglas,

I have a friend with a claw and hook

auto wrecking company

in San Francisco,

and he's going to work on your car.

Maybe he'll transform it into a birdbath.

Or what about a nice doormat

so I can wipe my feet on it every day?

Well, it's too bad

this thing doesn't have the gumption

to get up to the starting

line this morning.

I should've enjoyed beating it.

Oh!

Why, you...

Take your hand... Get your hands off!

(ENGINE STARTS)

Ooh!

(ENGINE REVVING)

Aah!

JIM: Stop! Herbie, stop!

(ENGINE TURNS OFF)

Hey, you know something?

Small car very angry.

And very strong.

The strength of 40 horses.

What do you think

about that race coming up?

You know... I think now is chance

to remove egg fu yung off of face.

Well, this morning, the second

and the final lap of the El Dorado,

from Virginia City to Yosemite,

the run for the gold.

Out there, we see in first

position and all ready to go,

Peter Thorndyke

in his Thorndyke special.

(ENGINE REVVING)

- (RATTLING)

- (CHUGGING)

Don't worry... Hey!

- Whoa!

- (TIRES SCREECH)

These mechanics have done a real

fine job in keying these engines up.

Come on, baby.

Come on, save it for the race.

One more foul-up like this, Douglas,

you're disqualified.

It seemed to be trying to get at us, sir.

Of course it was, Havershaw!

It's no use trying to blink the fact.

It's either us or it this time.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

We're now getting reports

from our checkpoint number 14,

and this one tells us

that the Thorndyke car

is still holding first position at this time.

And while here in Virginia City,

we're preparing to dispatch

the last of our contestants.

That would be the Jim Douglas special.

Hang tight. This may be a fast takeoff.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Now!

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(SCREECH)

(SCREECH)

Good stuff, Herb.

No more shortcuts like that last one, Jim.

Oh, this won't be anything

like that last one.

(TIRES SCREECH)

(CRASH)

(SCREECH)

Thorndyke.

Nice going, Herbie.

We've almost got him.

TENNESSEE: Hooray.

What fool laid out these streets?

But you're driving superbly.

(CRASH)

Hey! You got something

against driving on the streets?

Any sign of them?

Not a glimmer, sir.

(SCREECH)

Very well, then.

Now I've finished

being generous George.

(ENGINE REVVING)

He's moving up.

There are times like this when

I really don't like myself very much.

What happened to it?

I'd say it's gone for that last

big lube job up yonder.

(HERBIE REVVING)

Ow! Ow!

Whoa!

(THUMP)

Here it comes again, sir.

Havershaw, I am not a cowardly man,

but I am beginning to sense

that that thing is out to get me.

Now, none of that, sir.

We're not losing our nerve, are we?

Blast you, Havershaw!

How dare you patronize me!

I am not losing my nerve!

No, sir. No, sir.

Of course not, sir. No, no.

(METAL CLATTERING)

I think Herbie did something

to himself that last fall.

What do you mean?

Well...

Like maybe he won't hang

together much longer.

(THUMPING)

(HERBIE REVVING)

(SCREECH)

Yeow!

(SCREECH)

What happened to Thorndyke?

I don't know. It was like he disappeared.

(THORNDYKE YELLING

AND BANGING)

Do you hear something?

Sounds like one of the cylinders.

That's impossible.

The cylinders are in the back.

That's a point I find puzzling.

Get me out of here!

(SCREECH)

- Oh, my goodness!

- Get that side!

CAROLE: Oh! Ooh!

Here. Turn him around.

Okay, on your way.

Let's go!

(THUMP)

Havershaw!

(TELETYPES CLACKING)

The leaders have now passed

the final checkpoint!

We're now moving outside

and we should be seeing them

at the finish line in a very few minutes.

The word is the Douglas car

is in the lead,

but the Thorndyke car is moving up!

(CLATTERING)

(CLANKING)

Uh-oh! I think we got a problem!

Carole, turn around.

Grab hold of that strap and pull!

(HISSING)

Ooh!

JIM: You okay?

Fine.

(CLANK)

Look! There's another one!

I got it!

What goes on?

Just keep driving!

Try not to think about what I'm doing!

Well, that's that.

- (CLUNK)

- Yaah!

I can't weld that!

Give me your hand!

(DRUM ROLL)

What are we gonna do, jump?

- No, pull!

- Why?

Whoa!

Whoa! Jim, help!

I think you better stop

before someone gets hurt.

JIM: No dice. Herbie

doesn't want to stop.

There it is!

I'll bomb the thing off

the road once and for all!

(HONK)

(HONK HONK)

(HONK)

Rotten sportsmanship, if you ask me!

Here at the finish, we're still waiting

for our first glimpse of the leaders.

Yes! Yes, there they are!

The Thorndyke car now

seems to have a slight edge

on the Douglas car,

which is hanging right in there!

You have him now, sir! Don't falter!

I'm not going to falter, you dimwit!

(CRACK)

Good-o, sir, good-o! You can't lose!

You can't possibly lo...

(CHEERING)

- We won! We won!

- Ha, ha, ha!

The little car takes first...

And third place!

Whoa!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(CLANGING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL TALKING EXCITEDLY)

REPORTER: Come on!

Give us a picture!

(CROWD CHEERING)

REPORTER: Beautiful! One more!

What? Kiss? You better believe that!

- Oh!

- Come here!

(CROWD CHEERING)

"Couldn't lose," I think you said.

I don't like to remind you, sir,

but if only you'd read the terms

of that stupid wager

you made with Mr. Wu.

Havershaw, you're despicable.

(LAUGHING)

Havershaw, I shan't pretend

I don't know what you're thinking.

However, I pride myself on being

a good judge of character,

and when I ask myself,

"Could this man be capable

"of such an act of pettiness and base...

"Base ingratitude."

I accept that as your answer.

Ha, ha... Aah!

Thanks, Herbie. So long, Mr. Wu.

- Good-bye.

- Good-bye, Mr. Wu.

- Bye, Tennessee.

- So long, Jim.

It's none of my business, but where

are you going on your honeymoon?

We don't know. Herb hasn't told us yet.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Let's go, Herb.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Good-bye, Herbie.

(HERBIE BEEPS HORN)