The Lemon Drop Kid (1951) - full transcript

What?

A long shot?

This race?

Can't miss?

Thanks, baby.

Take two carrots
out of petty cash.

I'll check with you.

Come on, kid.

Let's go.

Why?

What am I doing?



Touting again.

Touting?

Him?

Now, listen, kid.

We've seen you use some
pretty wild schemes.

Why?

Is it a crime this
horse happens to have

A sweet tooth for lemon drops?

Yeah, but you're using this
on these crazy horse players,

They'll think the horse
is giving you a tip.

Well, you know it and I know
it and the horse knows it.

But it'll sound very
peculiar in court.

Just step out of
line once, Kid.

The handcuffs are ready.



Lay off me, will you?

And if I get lucky, I'll buy
you some ice with waters.

To think just last Thursday,
I went for one of his tips.

You, too?

I tell you, George, I've
got a hunch on Mince Pie.

Remember that time you
ate that woman's pie,

And you couldn't go to work the
next day because you were sick?

And the office was
struck by lightning.

Ellen, that horse isn't
going to run any faster

Just because its
name is Mince Pie.

Mince Pie is a pretty
good three-year-old.

Going to win a lot of races.

That is, if its leg gets well.

You... you think there's
something wrong with his leg?

Think? [CHUCKLES]

I'm the track vet.

It's a "precastinary" infection
of the "fedasorial" area,

Which... oh, inflamed ligaments.

Imagine allowing a horse
to race with a bad leg.

Half of these horses
should be in wheelchairs.

It's the only reason
they fight for the rail,

It gives them
something to lean on.

Would you believe
it, there's only one

Sound horse in the race?

Doctor?

Doctor.

Mm-hm?

You said there was only
one horse that wasn't sick.

Please, Doc, which one?

All that information is
confidential, you know?

Sort of between
doctor and patient.

We wouldn't tell anybody.

You could share
your secret with us.

And we'd share our
winnings with you.

Oh no, please, please.

That would be unethical.

However, if after
the race, you'd

Like to donate
something to the clinic?

We're so overcrowded, we
have two horses in every bed.

Oh, certainly, we will.

Uh, which horse feels well?

Well, if I were
a betting man, I'd

Consider (WHISPERS) S-I-X
a very lucky number.

(LOUDLY) S-I...

Shh.

(WHISPERS) All right, shush.

(SOFTLY) S-I-X.
That's Rhumba Dancer.

Come on, Ellen.

Thank you, Doctor.

You're a credit to
your profession.

Oh, ho, it's nothing.

[MUSIC - "CALL TO THE POST"]

Uh, excuse me.

Pardon me for crowding in, but
I flew all the way from Chicago

To see my brother
ride this race.

First time I get to
see him ride a winner.

His brother's a jockey.

Funny thing.

Mom always thought he was
going to be the tall one.

How do you know your
brother's going to win?

Lots of ways it's
fixed, unless they

Try to pull something crooked.

Sometimes, the horses make
their own deals, too, you know.

Uh, well, uh, what's
your brother's name?

We'd like to cheer for him, too.

If you knew that,
you'd know which horse.

Oh, you won't be sorry.

I'll take care of
you after the race.

A big chunk.

Oh.

Well, I don't care
about the money so much.

After all, you do look
like decent people.

The number is S-E-V-E-N.

S-E-V-E-N. That's Iron Bar.

Oh, we're so glad we
happened to meet you.

Would you believe it?

This is the first
race we've won today.

Well, then...

Oh, there... there's
your brother now.

Hm?

Oh, hi, Jerry!

Mom and Dad send their love.

Lots of luck, kid!

See how he pretends
not to know me?

Smartest little operator around.

[MUSIC - "CALL TO THE POST"]

I tell you, sir, I know
we race Christmas Day.

Look, sonny, I got to be sure.

Now, go ask Judge
Wilkinson for me.

[CHATTER]

(THINKING) Mm-hm.

They're still
printing dollars, huh?

[WHISTLING]

Oh, I beg your pardon, ma'am?

Y'all addressing me?

(SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Well, honey child,

Did y'all just
dropped this $5 bill?

Oh, I... I couldn't have.

Mine are all hundreds.

Yeah, mine, too.

It must belong to some Yankee.

Well, y'all must be as
lucky as you are beautiful.

My gentleman friend is
betting all this on Iron Bar.

(SOUTHERN ACCENT) Iron Bar?

Well, corn my pone
and chit my chitlins!

I was going to drop a
handsome figure on that animal

Myself until my uncle told
me the race was fixed.

Your uncle?

Yeah.

Well, that's Judge Wilkinson.

He's the president
of the Turf Club,

And also, the head judge
of the finish line.

I'm just waiting now for
him to give me the nod.

He's investigating, of course.

My, head judge!

That's him.

The one with the pretty girl.

He gives me $1 to ask you
if we race on Christmas Day.

He won't take my word for it.

Must be a tourist.

Well, if the race is
fixed for Iron Bar to lose,

You must know
who's going to win.

(SOUTHERN ACCENT) Yeah, but
I couldn't divulge information

Like that.

I've been sworn to secrecy.

I gave my word as a true
gentleman of the South.

I swore on a stack of black
eyed peas and candied yams.

This message had been binded.

There's two thousand cash-money here.

My gentleman friend would
take good care of you

After the race.

Well, bless your
heart, honey child.

Uh, the number is,
uh, E-I-G-H, y'all, T.

You mean Lightning Streak?

None other.

Thank you, sir.

Uh, after the race, I'll meet
you at the lettuce counter.

We'll settle up.

Y'all understand.

Lightning Streak!

Hey, kid.

You getting on the big time?

I'm expanding my business.

I'm branching into
the hundred-dollar window.

Did you get a load of that loot?

There's a tomato with
her own cabbage patch.

Two G's!

Mm-hm.

Ow!

What do you expect?

Moose Moran always bets heavy.

Moose Moran?

You mean that doll
belongs to Moose Moran?

You didn't know it?

Hey, you better be sure
you gave him a winner.

A winner?

I don't know one
horse from another.

I better grab her and tell her
the fix is off, have her change

Her number.
Say...

[BELL RINGS]

[CHEERS]

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN):
There they go!

It's Iron Bar taking the lead.

Lightning Streak.

Where are you?

You want my blood on your hands.

Lightning!

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN): Lightning
Streak is 11 to 7 to pole.

Daddy, I met the nicest man.

I gave you two grand
to bet on Iron Bar.

I know, but Iron Bar
doesn't have a chance.

The nice man told me who
all's going to win the race.

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN):
End of the back stretch,

Iron Bar lengthening out.

Was this nice man
eating lemon drops?

Y'all know the nice man?

Mm-hm.

I told the nice man y'all give
him something after the race.

Yes.

We'll give the nice man
something after the race.

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN): Iron
Bar now leading 5-7 lengths.

Saddle Queen is now
second in length.

And Lightning Streak.

Kid, Iron Bar is
running away with it.

Stay there, Iron Bar.

Stay there!

You want to get me killed?

Come on, Lightning Streak!

Come on!

But you told us Iron Bar.

Don't you remember?

We don't want anyone
to know we're in on it.

Come on, Lightning Streak!

Come on, Lightning Streak.

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN):
Final stretch,

Iron Bar holding his lead.

What a race!

Look at that horse run!

If you think he
can run, watch this!

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN): And it's
Iron Bar, the winner, easily.

[CHEERS]

ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN):
And Lightning Streak.

But the nice man was
sure Lightning Streak

Was going to win.

Is Moose angry?

Say, you were right before.

I was touting that horse.

I admit it.

I confess!

I've been touting
horses all afternoon.

Put me in jail.

Please put me in jail!

Are you kidding?

What kind of a new
racket is this?

Well, I'm a citizen.

I pay taxes.

I got a right to be put in jail.

Slap them on me!

Are you trying to make
chumps out of us again?

No, I just touted
Moose Moran by mistake.

I touted him off a winner.

He'll kill me.

Well, you know it and we know
it and Moose Moran knows this.

But it would sound
very peculiar in court.

[COPS CHUCKLE]

I'll have them draft it.

My key?

The credit manager
wants to talk to you.

Do you not want to talk
to the credit manager?

- You want to talk to Moose.
- No, no.

I... I don't want to talk
to either one of them.

I...

Well, Moose wants you
to have a drink with him.

No, I'm not thirsty.

Moose said you're thirsty.

No, I... I'll take a rain check.

Moose likes you.

Yeah, I'm fond of him, too.

Let's go outside.

Yeah.
No, fellas.

I've made up my mind!

Let's go.

I'll be back later, I think!

I'll be... ha-ha.

Funny when your boys said you
wanted to have a drink with me.

I thought they were kidding.

Ha-ha.

Thanks, Scarlett.

Moose, you're a
real solid citizen,

Taking your loss like this.

Why should I get high blood
pressure for about ten grand?

Yeah, that's what I say.

It's not worth... ten grand?

I thought you only lost two?

Yeah, but the horse won.

They would have paid me ten grand.

Come on, I'll show you around.

Say, with a layout
like this, even ten grand

Must be bird feed, huh?

Yeah.

Over here is a sort of den.

Had it fixed up special.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Ow!

Oh, my god! [CRIES]

Help.

It's all right.

Have a look.

[GRUNTS]

Ow!

Ugh!

Ow.

Maybe he ain't got the diamond.

Moose thinks he
swallowed it when

We had him in the limousine.

[GROANS]

Ready, Sam?

(SCREAMS) Ow!

Ow!

[GROANS]

What's the matter, Kid?

You look kind of sick.

No, no, uh, I always turn
green this time of the year.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): (SCREAMS) Ohh!

Maybe you'd better sit down.

At least.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Aargh!

No, don't I'll talk.

I'll talk.

Ahh.

I didn't swallow the diamond.

It's in my shoe... in the heel.

Now, that you're
feeling better,

Let's talk about the
ten grand you owe me.

Oh, but you said...

No, it's not the money.

I just don't like to have
all the smart guys get

The laugh on me.

Here's the diamond, Moose.

Oh, Kid, I'd like you
to know Sam the Surgeon.

Sam, this is the Lemon Drop Kid.

Pardon the glove.

Are you a genuine doctor?

Practically.

Would have graduated
if I didn't drop

A forward pass in
my senior year.

First doctor I
ever met keeps what

He takes out and throws
the patient away.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I'll be going.

Oops, oh, look,
Moose, all I got is

fifteen cents and a box of lemon drops.

You have one?

Moose, I haven't got ten grand.

I haven't got it on me or in me.

Trying to make me a
sucker can be very painful.

Shall we prepare
him for surgery?

Oh, now, wait, Moose.

Look, I'll get the ten grand.

I'll... hey, "Only 23 shopping
days till Christmas."

If I only had till Christmas.

Where would you get ten grand?

Well, I'll have
more of a chance

If I could get to New York.

I've got a lot of
friends on Broadway.

Name one.

Well, there's, uh,
and then there's,

Uh... uh, he's not out yet.

And the, eh, OK, so
they're not friends.

I tell you, I can
still raise the money.

By touting two-dollar horse players?

No, I'll find a way.

It's all the same to
you whether Sam kills me

Now or doesn't open
me till Christmas.

And if I get the money,
you are ten grand ahead.

You see, Moose?

Picking up ten grand
will be fun for you.

And killing me this way,
it'd be so sloppy. [CHUCKLES]

Moose, sure, I've always
wanted to be a man about town,

But not in little
chunks, you see.

As, uh, uh...

Dead, I write
ten thousand off the books.

Alive, possible asset.

OK, I'll be in New
York for Christmas.

I want to spend it
with my wife and kids.

They're in boarding school.

What if he runs away?

We'll find him.

Yeah, I hear you find people so
good that after you find them,

Nobody else can find
them. [CHUCKLES]

Kid, I got some property
in Long Island, a casino.

Oh, I know the place.

They closed it down for repairs.

The roulette wheel
started paying off.

I'm coming North to peddle it.

You have the money
for me Christmas Eve.

Or Christmas morning,
you'll find your head

In your stocking.

My head in my stocking?

Well, that's not po... oh, oh.

Thanks for a nice evening.

Merry Christmas!

[WHOOSHING]

[BELL RINGS]

[WHOOSHING]

[CLANGS]

Lucky thing for
you, I came along.

Thank you, sir.

(GRUFFLY) Why don't you
watch where you're going?

I would have blown my
horn, but it's frozen.

[DOG BARKS]

[DOG YIPS]

[DOG WHIMPERS]

You see, the way
the weather is,

My paper sales have
been a way off.

But I'll get it
for you some way.

I got friends about.

Nellie!

I...

As I practically live and
breathe, it's Nellie Thursday!

Kid!

Selling ice cream?

Ice creams.

Same old Nell.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Oh, and am I glad to see you.

You're just in time, Kid.

[CHUCKLES]

It's the newest thing in
Florida... the bikini sweater.

The gal that made it autographed
it for me. [CHUCKLES]

Woof, woof.

Kid, I owe Mr. Egan some money.

You remember that twenty
dollars you owe me?

What, a measly twenty dollars?

And I not only
remember the twenty,

I'm gonna pay it back and
multiply it by twenty.

That'll take care of the
four months' rent she owes me,

And then some.

You keep out of this.

Listen, Nellie, lend
me ten dollars, will you?

So I can get my winter
clothes out of hock?

I can't go see my
friends at the Sherry

And the Ritz looking like this.

They'd ask me questions for
which I'm out of answers.

Kid, you know you have not
any friends at the Ritz.

Nellie, how can you say that?

You know I have.

Why there's... uh, wrong hand.

Well, there's, uh,
uh... don't worry,

I'll give you the money back.

Get it by 6 o'clock.

That'll give you time to
dispossess an orphanage.

You know, Nellie, I'd give
you the shirt off my back

If I had any underwear on.

Sure, Kid.

I know that.

It's not just for me.

It's for my husband.

You remember my husband, Henry?

Well, who doesn't?

Sing Sing Class of '31.

Greatest little safe
cracker in the business.

Henry's getting paroled
after twenty years.

He gets out Christmas Eve.

Gets out Christmas Eve?

Christmas Eve.

I may not be around to see him.

But I will, so I can tell him
how we got no place to stay.

Yeah, well, what happened
to that old folks' home

That you and Henry
were moving in?

Yes, Sunshine Home, huh.

Well, they turned
down my application...

All on account of Henry.

They won't take an ex-convict.

Come next visiting
day, I'm going

To tell Henry to stay
right where he is.

At least, it's warm up there.

Brr.

Papers!

Late files!

Stay with it, Nellie.

Keep your chins up.

Something will work out.

Well, maybe so.

I've been in worst
jams than this.

At least, you're not
alone anymore, anyway.

I'll see you.

[WHOOSHING]

Toot Shore, Polly Terry,
D. Cora, Pancho O'Dwyer,

Grover William, Goldberg,
Tony Burke... [MUMBLES]

Brainey Baxter.

Ah, she still lives here.

Brr.

You're on your own, fellas.

Hitchhiker.

[HUMS]

Rrrh, mm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

[CHUCKLES]

Hmm, hmm.

I never saw it bloom before.

Ah, still works.

[WHISTLES]

[HUMS]

[WHISTLES]

[WHISTLES]

[WHISTLES]

What a crime if you had to die.

[HUMS]

Oh, a dandy.

[WHISTLES]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Hrm.

I hate to leave you,
but that's fate!

Oh, you doll, you!

[WHISTLES]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

KID (OFFSCREEN): Brainey!

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

KID (OFFSCREEN): Brainey!

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

KID (OFFSCREEN): Brainey!

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

KID (OFFSCREEN): Brainey!

Brainey, you gorgeous doll, you!

You're late, Kid.

Oh, I came over as
soon as I hit town.

Six months late.

You left with my coat.

You were going to
pawn it for me.

I waited for you to come back.

Well, it's like this.

I was on my way back with
your money right in my hand.

All at once, I heard about
a big deal in Florida.

Well, I figured you won't
need a fur coat in Florida.

You went to Florida,
I stayed here.

Oh, Brainey.

Squaring the money I owe
you in the coat is a cinch.

I just struck it rich in Miami.

(SARCASTIC) Mm, you look it.

Oh, you don't understand.

I'm out at the racetrack
with some wealthy friends,

And I get to thinking about
the woman I love... meaning you,

Brainey Baxter.

Naturally, I don't
wait to change.

I grabbed the first plane home.

My luggage is on the way.

If Miami is fat, how come
you left in such a hurry?

Oh, uh, there's a
horse named Wedding

Ceremony... wins the second race.

Wedding Ceremony,
that's a hunch.

It could mean nobody
but you and I.

Now, look, Kid.

I remember how you operate.

No holds barred.

Now, let's not talk
about a wedding ceremony

Unless you're on the level.

Oh, I don't blame you for
not trusting me, Brainey.

Sometimes I have days
when I don't trust me.

But I'll do anything
to be worthy of you.

Might even get a job.

A wedding ceremony and a job?

That's the greatest long
shot parlay of the year.

Yeah.

I just wish I hadn't left
my wallet in my new cashmere

Slacks.

As soon as my clothes arrive, I'll
take ten bucks and go right down

And get a license.

That'll show you.

I've get ten bucks.

Yeah?

I'm calling your bluff, Kid.

We can get the
license right now.

Oh, doll!

I'll be right down to
the license bureau.

Oh, wait!

I'll slip into something.

Oh, don't, no.

No need you going along.

You stay here and
fix up this place.

Remember, this is our
honeymoon cottage.

Get a lot of champagne
and confetti, huh?

And just stand there,
just like that.

Beautiful!

All the way downtown, I want
to remember you smiling.

But we both have to
appear for a license.

Hey, Kid, wait!

[WHOOSHING]

[SIGHS]

My ten bucks.

He did it again.

[WHOOSHING]

Reunion, fellas.

Hrrrm.

[BARKS]

Mush, mush, mush, mush!

Mr. Charlie, according
to our figures,

You owe the government $31,400.

You mean to say,
all that dough I

Paid for protection
isn't deductible?

Well, that money is
just... what do you want?

Well, I was just passing by.

Thought I'd drop in to see
my old pal Oxford Charlie.

How are you?

How's your feet?

They're killing me.

What are you here for...
Giving or getting?

Oh, Charlie, I'm cutting
you in on a solid gold deal.

You'd be able to
wear ermine oxfords

With your share of the profits.

All you have to put
up is ten grand in cash.

That's enough.

Throw the crumb out.

But all you have to do
is plant a measly ten grand,

And you harvest a fortune!

Throw him out.

Ain't I got enough
trouble with income tax?

Oh, but, Charlie!

Listen, Oxford, I owe
Moose Moran ten grand.

Either he gets it Christmas Eve
or I get it Christmas morning.

Lend me the dough, will you?

You know what Moose will do.

I'll wind up in the river
with a cement bathing suit.

I'll supply the cement.

Out!

Oh, but, Charlie, I... Cha...
I'll leave my phone number

In case you change
your mind, huh?

I'm sorry, oh!

Communist!

[BELL RINGS]

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Help the needy!

Help the needy!

Help the needy.

Put something in the pot?

Oh, at least, you've got one.

Help... thank you, sir.

Help the needy!

Thank you, lady.

Help the needy!

Help... thank you.

Help the needy!

Thank you.

Help the needy!

Thank you, lady.

Help the needy!

[BELL RINGS]

MAN (OFFSCREEN):
Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

[BELL RINGS]

Merry Christmas!

Ho-ho-ho, ho-ho!

Me... blessings on you, kind sir.

Merry Christmas.

Oh-ho-ho!

Ho-ho-ho!

Merry Christ... merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Chr... ho-ho, ho-ho!

Merry Christmas!

Merry... ahem, merry Christmas!

Ho-ho, ho-ho!

Merry Christmas!

Jingle bells!

Happy yuletide!

Merry... little
something from Santa?

Merry Christmas!

Ha...

Well, if it isn't the Lemon
Drop Kid back from Florida.

[CHUCKLES]

Merry Christmas!

"Save a Life."

Who's life?

Mine.

Come on, Kid.

Oh, no, wait a minute.

I haven't done anything.

I'm innocent.

I'm just a small businessman.

I'm in the Santa Claus business.

Come along, Santa.

I'll phone for the reindeer.

Oh, I'll take a cab and
meet you at the station.

Sidney Milburn.

Sidney Milburn!

Your Honor, that's
the Lemon Drop Kid.

[BELL RINGS]

[CLATTERS]

[LAUGHTER]

[GAVEL BANGS]

The Lemon Drop Kid was
collecting money for charity

Without a license.

What charity?

His own, Your Honor.

How do you plead?

Well, Your Honor,
I'd like to ask

For a postponement of
this case until January 1

When my attorney
returns from Washington.

JUDGE (OFFSCREEN): Washington?

Yeah, he's down there
trying to fix a parking

Ticket for President Truman.

Milburn, how do you plead to
this charge of panhandling?

Panhandling?

I was standing in the corner
with my bell and kettle,

Like hundreds of other everyday
average American Santa Clauses.

You were collecting this money
for your own personal gain.

Those other men are
working for charity.

It's an organized charity
and has a city license.

Eh.

Oh, a city license.

Mr. Milburn, I'm going
to turn this money over

To a worthwhile charity.

Ten days or fifty dollars.

Oh, but I haven't
got fifty dollars.

And I can't spare ten days.

We'll arrange your schedule
to spare it for you.

Next case.

Oh, but, Judge, please.

Your Honor, could I
make one phone call?

Yes.

[COINS CLINK]

It's long distance, I...

[LAUGHTER]

[BELL RINGS]

Come on.

That judge didn't
look honest to me.

For 18 years, he's been
a member of the bar.

That's what I mean.

Drinking on duty.

NELLIE (OFFSCREEN): Hello, Kid.

Nellie?

What are you doing here?

Ask him.

He had me arrested for trying to
get my personal belongings out

Of my apartment.

But he didn't even want me
to take Henry's picture.

That's the only picture
he ever had taken.

Gee, hasn't changed a bit.

Let's go.

You woman beater.

Come on.

Grrr.

Come on.

Come on!

Uh, oh, hold it, hold it.

Hold what?

Hold these.

Judge told me I
could call my lawyer.

You said your lawyer
was in Washington.

Yeah, it's a firm of Duncan,
Muncan, Schmuncan, and Brainey.

Boy, when my lawyer
gets through with you,

You'll be wearing your
brass buttons at half mast.

Hello?

I... oh.

Hello, is Brainey there?

[WHISTLES]

Yeah?

Well, hello, Brainey.

Hiya, honey.

It's a lady lawyer.

Brainey baby, where
do you think I am?

Don't tell me.

Let me guess.

The license bureau, of course.

You married yourself.

How cozy.

Now, look.

I started for the
license bureau, baby.

But on the way down, I stopped
off at my old rooming house

To get your photograph.

I like to look at it
when I'm not with you.

Well, the landlord wouldn't
let me in to get it.

So one thing led to another.

He poked me.

I poked him.

And where do you
think I am? [CHUCKLES]

In the pokey.

The pokey?

Stay there, just the
way you are, beautiful.

I want to remember you smiling.

Smiling?

Look, who's smiling?

I'd...

[CHUCKLES]

Look, would you leave town
for a couple of hours, please?

Look, Brainey baby, you
got to listen to me.

Listen to you?

My fur coat listened to you.

My ten bucks listened to you.

I listened to you.

We're all fed up
listening to you.

WOMAN (OFFSCREEN):
Hey, Brainey, we're on!

So long, Kid.

Merry Christmas!

And remember, if I don't get in
touch with you, by all means,

Don't get in touch with me.

No, Brainey,
Brainey, Brainey baby.

Brainey, go to... right, uh,
I, wha... here hold this.

She can't do this to me.

Come back here, Santa.

Would you... at
least, I broke even.

OK, girls.

Back at 6 o'clock.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Some breakfast?

No, thank you.

Charlie, I don't know how...

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I heard about the Lemon
Drop Kid going to the jug.

How much?

Fifty.

Out of my salary.

Hm.

You know, why is it every
time I go for a dame,

She winds up
marrying the drummer?

About two blondes
ago, I shell a lot

Of fortune in
orchids and pearls,

She hooks up with a waiter.

Huh, yeah, a little fat guy.

Well, I'm not getting
hooked up with any waiter.

The Kid pulled a couple
of fast ones on me,

And I'm not letting
him get away with it.

He thinks he's safe in jail.

Hm.

Thanks, Charlie.

I'll pay you back in money.

Yeah.

What's the matter, Santa Claus?

Your reindeer gone
through a red light?

Santa Claus hasn't been
a good boy this year.

What did they find
in your bag, Santa?

Burglary tools?

Riffraff.

You got a visitor, Kid.

Your family doctor.

Well, Sam the Surgeon.

You come to do your
Christmas chopping early?

No, Santa.

I came to remind you what Moose
Moran wants for Christmas.

I remember.

You know, Kid, jail's a
silly place to try to hide.

Moose has more
friends in than out.

Sam, you can put your
knife in mothballs.

I got an idea that can't miss.

I know I can come
up with the ten grand.

That's fine because
some of the smart boys

Are starting to get Moose to
laugh, and Moose don't like it.

All we have to do is borrow
Moose's casino from now

Till Christmas.

Moose can't open it
for high-class gambling.

You can't even open
it for a bingo parlor.

Wait, you're
talking to a genius.

You know Nellie Thursday?

She's in here.

She's got no place to live.

She tried to get into
an old folks' home,

But they wouldn't
take her on account

Of her husband's an ex-con.

Now, here's the idea.

I borrow Moose's casino.

I pretend it's an
old folks' home.

I stick Nellie in there
with a bunch of old dolls.

With them in it... now,
this part is kind of tough.

But I figure, uh,
if I can work it,

I can talk the
city into giving me

A license to
collect for charity.

I further figure, I can
get every mug on Broadway

To help me do the collecting.

They all love Nellie.

She's such a grand old doll.

You trying to unload a mob of
old dolls in Moose's casino?

Shh.

It's only until Christmas Eve.

By then, I'll have collected
enough to pay off Moose.

This is the most legal
double cross I've ever heard.

But what happens to the old
dolls after Christmas Eve?

Well, can I help it if
suddenly the collection money

Just happens to get
lost and the old dolls

Can't afford to
stay in the casino?

Moose will have his dough.

And I'll be in the
clear, you see.

You're going to dump all
those nice little ladies out

On the street at Christmastime?

I wouldn't do that
to my own mother.

Any bookmaker in town
will give you 3-1.

Is it a deal or not?

Sounds crazy.

But that ain't my department.

I only to start operating
if you don't pay off.

Where did you intern at?

The finance company?

And hey, Sam, there's a little
matter of the fifty-dollar fine.

You advance it, and I owe
Moose a round figure of
ten thousand and fifty.

No, thanks, Kid.

I like having you
in the deep freeze.

We can thaw you out in time
for the holiday season.

Merry Christmas in just 15 days.

Merry Christmas.

15 days.

I got to get out of here.

I got to get out of here!

Please let me out of here!

Hey!

I should have said
"please" a long time ago.

There's a lady waiting
for you in the office.

She paid your fine.

[BELLS JINGLING]

(IN UNISON) Goodbye, Santa!

Delinquents!

Here's your receipt.

Thank you.

Brainey!

I knew you'd come.

Couldn't fight it, eh?

I don't know what
I'd do to them.

Well, I guess, you're
wondering about the outfit.

Oh, no, sport.

You always were
a flashy dresser.

You don't know how it
feels to be free again.

Well, you're going to be
free about five minutes.

We're heading downtown
for a marriage license.

Together.

Brainey, you're making me
the happiest man in the world!

And there'd be no more dancing
for a few measly dollars

A week anymore... not
when you're my wife.

We'll make Oxford
Charlie give you a raise.

Oh, I don't want to work...

Just think, in a
few short weeks,

We'll be Mr. And
Mrs. Lemon Drop Kid.

A few short weeks?

What's the stall this time?

Well, come on.

You'll be proud of me.

Oops.

Hic, hello, Kid.

Been watching
television again, huh?

What's the charge, Officer?

Hey, will you stop rehearsing
when I'm trying to talk to you?

Remember the time you win
when it was your turn to lose?

Who hide you off
for three weeks?

Nellie did.

But, Kid, what's
your personal angle?

Button your lips, Swede.

Nellie is like a mother to you.

[CRASH]

Grrr.

Lemon Drop Kid?

I just don't believe
you're not looking out

For the Lemon Drop Kid.

But you got to believe it.

There must be hundreds of old
ladies like Nellie Thursday.

They're all around Broadway.

Old dolls who can't get into
homes because maybe they

Rolled a lusher, pound a little
homemade beer in the old days.

Maybe even your own mother.

They never hung no rap on Mom.

Straight Flush Tony, when you
were down and out last year,

Who staked you to a new
deck of marked cards?

(IN UNISON) Nellie!

OK!

So everybody go home and
get a good night's sleep.

We're all getting
up at noon tomorrow.

There she is.

Remember, not a word.

This is a surprise party.

Hello, Nellie.

Kid!

Oh, Gloomy and Honest Harry.

Hey there, Nellie.

Ha, Nell, how does
it feel to be out?

Cold.

Oh, my.

We got a hot car
waiting for you.

Since when have you boys
gone in for swiping this?

Oh, we thought you'd
enjoy a little ride.

Thanks, but I'm walking.

There's a two-bit boarding
house just around the corner.

Good, we'll drive you there.

Oh, you're crazy, Kid.

Wait, who pulls up to a cheap
boarding house in a limousine?

Only old dolls with friends.

[LAUGHS]

Get in.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Why, Kid, isn't this Moose
Moran's old gambling casino?

Moose Moran's old what?

NELLIE (OFFSCREEN): "Nellie
Thursday Home for Old Dolls."

What does this mean, Kid?

It's just a two-bit boarding
house in Long Island, Nellie.

Whole field for a backyard,
hot and cold running petunias,

Southern exposure on all
sides, stucco bathtubs.

Oh yeah, I almost
forgot, there's

A room for Henry with a nice
big safe for him to practice on.

Hey, Kid.

Me and Goomba found this
in the park... unlocked.

We thought it'd be
nice for Nellie.

Oh, good work, Solly.

Put it out on the lawn.

She's loo... looking
good by the statue.

Statue?

Look, we don't have...

The general has been sitting
in Central Park long enough.

We figure he needs
a change of scenery.

You take that general and
put him back on his horse.

Anything you say, Kid.

We, too, figured that general
was lonesome without his horse.

They probably brought
the pigeons, too.

Hey, Straight Flush,
help them, huh?

You still think we
carried you out here

To get free newspapers?

You did... it is an old
folks' home, isn't it?

Sure, it is.

The best.

We'll make that
Sunshine Home rat

Trap be satisfied
with our overflow.

And you did all this for me?

Turns out you're the most
popular doll on Broadway.

Every chiseler on the street is
knocking himself out for you.

Kid, I hear about this
place when it was wide open.

But I'm never inside.

It's strictly for swells.

Not anymore.

Any broken down old doll
on Broadway is welcome.

WOMEN (OFFSCREEN): Surprise!

[APPLAUSE]

Nellie, in case you're
needing some friends

To play gin rummy or
maybe a game of softball,

We loaded up on old dolls.

Welcome home, Nellie.

Brainey.

You remember Mrs. Baumgarten?

Singing Solly's mother-in-law.

Singing Solly donated her.

Yeah, she'd be
much happier here.

It's always a strain on the
married couple with the mother

Living in their house.

But it was my house.

Hey, Kid.

Come out here a minute.

Oh, right away, Gloomy.

See that Nellie meets the
rest of the sorority, will you?

Kid, oh, it's oh so wonderful.

There's nothing I can say.

Just haven't got the words.

Good.

Let's keep it that way.

Say no yak-yak.

Pickle-nose found this
nice little old lady

Living in a shack
under the bridge.

Well, hello, nice
little old lady.

Welcome to the
Nellie Thursday Home.

Thank you.

What's this?

My canary.

I've had her nine years.

Well, that's old for a bird.

She can stay, too.

Oh, you're a sweet.

[BIRD TWEETS]

You're sweet, too, Pickle-nose.

Bring the chair.

Hurry up, hurry up.

Bring her down.

Bring it out.

What do you got there, Hogan?

We got cream for their coffee.

[MOOS]

Shh.

You want to wake up all
the neighbors' cows?

[MOO]

Shh.

We need a cow, huh?

Who do you think you are?

Hopalong Cassidy?

Put two of those mats
on the crap tables.

We'll have to double
up these dolls.

Chuck-a-luck and
roulette are small,

We'd have to squeeze two on.

Snap it up, Slim.

You look like a chambermaid.

Did the Admiral Hotel
donate this linen?

Yeah, but we haven't
told them yet.

OK, men. [CLAPS]

Those aren't mattresses.

Of course not.

They're from Stillmann's gym.

They're wrestling mats.

You don't expect these old gals
to sleep on bare crap tables?

Kid, you're not very
bright, but your heart's

In the right place.

Cut out the chatter
and make the beds.

These old gals
will be fussing out

Of the powder room any minute.

I'll be glad to go to bed.

[GIGGLES]

I can stand for a
little sleep, too.

Well, I'm sleepy, too.

These sleeves are
longer than my arms.

Isn't it nice to be in there?

Ho, you look wonderful!

Maxie Rosenbloom didn't look
that good when he was champ.

Such lovely beds.

So modernistic.

Yeah, we're just using the
crap tables for a few days

Till we get ahead
in the collections.

Then we're putting in beds.

Beds?

Well, who cares?

Henry can come
here Christmas Eve.

And we'll have friends...

Sure, now hit the
sack, everybody.

Beddy-byes.

Who's playing the field?

Jump in.

Tamp the mat.

Oop, she's up, see.

You're sweet.

Tsup.

You roll off the
table, it's no dice.

Now, go to sleep.

And don't worry about Henry.

When he gets here, we'll
make him house detective.

Kid?

Yup?

There's something bothering me.

Yeah?

What?

Well, everything's
been moving so fast,

I just started thinking.

Kid, are you sure that Moose
Moran turned this place over

To us?

Oh, ho-ho, sure he did.

Now, you let me do all
the worrying, will you?

Well, it's just
that Moose never

Struck me as being generous.

You can't tell
about people, Nellie.

Some of the bad ones
are good inside.

And some of the good
ones are bad inside.

OK, it's getting late.

It's lullaby time.

Now, let's everybody
snore it up real big, huh?

WOMAN (OFFSCREEN): Kid?

Yeah?

Would you tuck me in, too?

LEMON DROP KID
(OFFSCREEN): Yeah.

Put the shade over the
birdcage, wouldn't you, Kid?

OK.

It's like running
a stale nursery.

Everybody go to sleep.

Any doll who isn't
asleep in one minute

Don't get any slugs tomorrow
to play the slot machines.

Kid, could you leave the
lights on maybe a little longer?

Oh, sure.

Relax.

Make like Moose Moran's
casino is wide open.

You're throwing 11
sevens in a row.

The chips are
building up in stacks.

Me and Brainey are here to deal
you out a whole deck of dreams.

[SINGING] We'll show
you how to own a moon.

And how to bounce the world
just like a toy balloon.

We'll show you how
to have your way.

And help yourself to
wishes on a silver tray.

You want to fly to
Bali Hai or pick

Another island you
would like to buy.

How about Manhattan?

You can travel cheap
when you're fast asleep

'Cause it doesn't
cost a dime to dream.

We'll line our walls
with dollar bills

And use the wrinkled ones
to wipe out windowsills.

Pour our old champagne
down the kitchen drain.

No, it doesn't cost
a dime to dream.

We will call at the
president's... tada, dah...

Family residence.

Pay off the national debt.

Are you a dreamer?

And if we find the
president slightly hesitant,

We'll say we have
a lot left yet.

A fancy home.

Why, that's a snap.

To get from room to room,
we'll have to have a mat.

Just to see this prize,
only close your eyes.

It doesn't cost a dime to dream.

We play roulette.

We place our bets.

Twing!

We lose a million bucks
and cut up Crepes Suzettes.

Call the US Mint.

What we need, they'll print.

It doesn't cost a dime to dream.

We'll have a maid
who has a maid who

Has a maid to serve
the two maids lemonade.

We will spend our
dough just like H2O.

Rent a town in Spain
just to entertain.

Give the dice a spin,
watch the chips roll in,

If you pay attention
to our scheme.

So won't you go to sleep,
count some pedigreed sheep

'Cause it doesn't cost
a dime... shh... to dream.

Lights out.

Oops.

[PANICKED CHATTER]

Must have pressed
the starting gate.

Hey, Nellie, low bridge!

How do you like that?

The dice table went
in the fireplace.

Where did they go?

Hey, we'll have to
change Moose's wiring.

We don't expect any raids.

[CLICKS]

Hey, Kid!

What is this?

Well, turn it off.

Quick!

[LULLABY MUSIC]

What are you doing?

That's the wrong one.

What do you want from me?

I'm no electrician.

Get Orson Welles.

[BANG]

Hey!

Now, are you satisfied?

We start collecting tomorrow,
and you hide the old dolls.

Get your burglary tools.

We'll have to dig them out.

Tsk.

[SIGHS]

Good digging, men.

I'm proud of you.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Oh, he's darling.

Come on.

Let's get out of here.

Yeah.

The Happiness Boys.

Kid.

Yeah.

Haven't you
forgotten something?

You mean, we didn't
get them all out?

No.

That was...

You took care of the old dolls.

You know, this is the way
young dolls become old dolls.

My, I'll order a rocking chair.

Make it a two-seater, huh?

[HORN HONKS]

I hate honking
during smooching.

MAN (OFFSCREEN): Come on, Kid.

I'm tired.

Let's hit the road.

You heard him.

One for the road?

OK, but drive carefully.

Men at work.

You'll never freeze that stuff.

Gentlemen, just
as I pictured you.

Hey, pick this up
a little, will you?

You look like a shoplifter.

Saint Nick don't smoke.

I thought I was supposed
to be Santa Claus?

Santa Claus, Kris
Kringle, Saint Nick.

It's all the same guy.

Oh, I get it.

He don't give his
right name either.

How are you doing, Professor?

Work it out.

Hey, Kid, there are no
pockets in these things.

Yeah, we arranged it that way.

Hey, Straight Flush, let's
hear you ring the bell.

[BELL RINGS]

No, no, no.

Not like you're trying to
make it fall the hard way.

Jingle bells.

[BELL RINGS]

Oh, now, that's sweet.

You're going to
do a big business.

Thanks.

Well, it's cold out
there in the street.

Santa Claus don't drink.

Oh, no?

Well, how come he's always
falling down chimneys?

Oh, that's great.

What did they do?

Cut that from the inside?

Now, don't scare too
many people, huh?

Let's hear it from you.

A merry krismees.

Just work your
own neighborhood.

Great, men.

Splendid group of men.

Now, don't look like you're
handling hot reindeer.

Remember, this is a
legitimate business.

We got a license to collect.

Now, just get out there
and put your heart

Into you work, just like you
would if it was a shady deal.

Hey, Kid.

What about them other Santas?

Yeah, the streets are lousy
with jolly old, fat guys.

We'll put the slug on them.

(IN UNISON) Yeah.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You can't go around putting the
slug in other Santa Clauses,

Especially at this time of the
year when they're in season.

Now, keep your pots open
and your traps shut.

We got to get ten grand.

It's a matter of life and death.

Anybody who doesn't
collect their quota

Is throwing an old doll out
into the snow, and personally,

Doing me a very dirty trick.

Attention, men.

Adjust boots, bellies, beards.

Now, go out and load your pots.

Forward march.

[SINGING] Jingle
bells, jingle bells.

Jingle all the way.

Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh.

Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells.

Jingle all the way...

[BELL RINGING]

Help poor Nellie, folks.

Chunk it in the pot.

Be kind.

Oh, thanks, honey.

Thanks.

Santa, are you coming to
my house Christmas Eve?

Oh, sure, sure, little filly.

Santy will be there
Christmas Eve.

Are you going to bring a doll?

No, my doll's
working Christmas Eve.

Oh, you mean a doll?

Yeah.

Sure.

[BELL RINGS]

[CLANG]

Sounded like a phony.

Give something
for the old ladies.

Anything for the
nice, old ladies.

[MUSIC - "SILVER BELLS"]

Give something
for the old ladies.

Anything for the nice...

[COINS CLINK]

Thanks a lot, fellas.

Merry Christmas.

[CLANGS]

Oh, you Nellie Thursday Home!

He's hot!

Oh, man, is he hot!

[BELL RINGS]

[SINGING] Silver
bells, silver bells.

Let's put some
doll in the kitty.

Chunk it in.

Or Santy will give you a mickey.

Silver bells, silver
be... oh, hi, Kid.

Hello, Brainey.

Hello, Gloomy.

Wait a minute.

You don't have to frisk me.

I ain't holding out on you.

Them shoppers just
ain't breaking

Loose with the
guineas, that's all.

Well, no wonder they
ain't chunking it

In... the way you're
growling at them.

Well, what's the matter?

You told us to sing, didn't you?

Sing, yeah.

But to mention money at
Christmastime is vulgar.

You've got to work
on their sentiments.

Be subtle, delicate.

[BELL RINGS SOFTLY]

[SINGING] Silver
bells, silver bells.

It's Christmastime in the city.

Ring-a-ling, hear them ring.

Soon it will be Christmas Day.

City sidewalks, busy sidewalks,
dressed in holiday style.

In the air, there's a
feeling of Christmas.

[SINGING] Children
laughing, people passing,

Meeting smile after smile.

And on every street
corner you'll hear.

Silver bells.

I love this Santa suit.

Silver bells.

Just fill it up with loot.

[SINGING] It's
Christmastime in the city.

Ring-a-ling.

Oh, ling, oh, ling, oh, ling.

Hear them ring.

For me and my Marie.

Uh-uh, city license.

[SINGING] Ring a ling.

Hear them ring.

Silver bells.

One, two, three.

And one, two, three...

Oh, goodbye, Brainey.

Bye-bye, Brainey.

Bye-bye.

So you're ankling
the show, huh?

Just until Christmas.

The Kid has appointed
me head chief doctor

To watch over the
Nellie Thursday Home.

What has that
guy got that makes

Everybody jump through a hoop?

The crazier the schemes,
the higher they jump.

A lot of people who love Nellie
don't think it's so crazy.

Smart girl, like
you, gives up a job.

Every penny ante
character on the street

Blows his top hustling
donations for your old wacky.

Maybe wacky.

But not penny ante.

This is big business.

Ho-ho.

Why, do you know that in four
days, we raised almost $2,000?

All right.

So you collect... those
baggy-pants Santas

Raised two grand?

Mm-hm.

You see the Kid's got it here.

Here, let me.

Thank you.

You know, Brainey, your job
will be waiting for you when

You come back, which proves
that I haven't got it here.

[DOOR CREAKS]

[DOOR CREAKS]

Shh, shh, shh.

Dandruff, huh?

Stand by, you Buffalo nickels,
there's some Indians coming.

[CHUCKLES]

E pluribus unum.

[ECHOES]

Shh!

Quiet, Heady.

Quiet.

Giving you your spinach
the hard way. [CHUCKLES]

Funny nose.

[SINGING] Silver
bells, silver bells.

[INAUDIBLE], the loot is good.

[DOOR CREAKS]

Uh, it's you.

I thought it was a prowler.

A prowler?

Funny thing.

Here I am serenading
the girl I love,

And she thinks I'm a prowler.

Well, I heard some noise.

But I didn't know
it was singing.

Uh, I didn't get
to the chorus yet.

I was just out here casing
the sky, thinking of you.

You know, every star
up there reminds me

Of the light in your eyes.

Twinkle, twinkle,
little... uh-oh.

Twinkle, twinkle...
That's kid stuff.

Honey, your fangs are showing.

If you get carried away,
don't hold yourself back, ha?

[GASPING]

Kid.

Honey, don't ever lose me.

It would ruin you.

We must lean in on the
Lemon Drop Kid right away.

Hey, you ain't figuring on
us wearing the monkey suits

And ringing them little bells?

Look, if the Kid can
raise two grand in four days,

We can raise lots
more than that.

Sure, boss.

The kids got a herd of old
dolls in Moose Moran's casino.

This is how he gets a license.

I know that.

I know that the
license is made out

To the Nellie Thursday Home.

So I figured that wherever
Nellie Thursday is,

That's the Nellie
Thursday Home, you see?

Now, here's what
we're going to do.

Look, girls.

Gentlemen are coming to call.

Oh, and they're
bringing us flowers!

They must be valuable.

They're guarding
them with a gun.

Put that thing away.

You think these old
dolls carry rods?

You can't tell.

What about that
Annie Oakley dame?

Put that away, you...

All right.

All right, now, don't forget.

It's off with the hat
and "please" and "ma'am."

You got it?

Johnny, you stay here.

Bless you, kind sir.

Bless you.

Another day, another
dollar, less taxes.

Thank you, ma'am.

Ma'am.

Me... merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Don't get shut out.

Everybod... Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Ho-ho!

[CLINKS]

Oh, I'm sorry, the
post is... sorry,

Your money is just
spread out all over.

Let me help you with it.

You get the change.

Ho-ho, ho, ho.

Sorry, sir.

There you are.

Put something in the pot, sir.

Something in the pot.

Something for Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

Hrrm.

Merry Christmas.

Meh... you do, ma'am, something
for the less fortunate.

I'm afraid I
haven't any change.

Oh, that's all right.

I'll handle it.

Wouldn't think of taking it all.

Merry Christmas.

Merry... hello, Willie.

How do you know me?

Santa Claus knows everything.

Santa knows who knocked off
that box factory at St. Joe.

Santa even knows
about Willie going

In to case the bank setup.

Better put something
in the kettle.

Why, you, uh...

If Willie doesn't put
something in the kettle,

Santa will stop ringing
the bell and start

Blowing the whistle for
Dancer, Prancer, and Flatfoot.

Merry Christmas.

Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

And a happy New Year.

Merry Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Oh, there's nothing
like coming home

After a hard day
in a windy corner.

Sure, you're going to
have dinner with Brainey.

Me, I end up with some of
them overripe pin-up girls.

I could have gone
to the Waldorf.

The Waldorf?

How dare you?

Don't be dishonest.

This money belongs to
the Nellie Thursday Home.

Huh?

But where is the sign?

Oh, Tuesday wash day, I guess.

Hey, the door is open.

Probably out
playing night polo.

First time you
pressed the button,

And something didn't come
shooting out of the wall.

Hey, what's that?

[MOOS]

It's just a cow.

What's a cow doing
inside a house?

Milton Berle is on tonight.

Brainey?

Nellie?

Where is everybody?

Yeah, fine welcome
after knocking ourselves

Out collecting that
dough for them.

Oh, they must be
around... the dough!

It's gone!

Sure, you're holding it.

No, no.

I mean the collections.

I have them hidden in here.

I thought nobody
knew about it but me.

Uh... No one but me, huh?

An Oxford Charlie.

Who else wears a
custom-made 14 AAAA?

Come on, we're going to
Charlie's place in Nyack.

[MOOS]

Help yourself.

There's milk in the icebox.

Get in the house.

You want to catch cold?

How do you like those
petty larceny crooks?

They even stole our sign.

Boy, what a surprise party.

They'll never expect us.

Come in, gentlemen.

You were expected.

Yeah.

Yeah, I know.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I figure when
he comes to me for the money.

Look, do you mind
holding on for a minute?

No, I'm in no hurry.

Yeah, I'll hold on.

Well, Kid.

Well, it's nice to see you.

What'll it be?

Bourbon, scotch?

Just pour out our old
ladies and make it snappy.

Ah, take it easy.

The ladies are perfectly
happy upstairs in real beds.

Kid, Save us.

We're prisoners!

Mrs. Feeney tried
to call the police,

And they hit her false teeth.

Kid!

Oh, we'll get our things.

We'll be right down.

Yeah, hurry up.

You know, Kid.

You're a genius.

Just to think that
I used to have you

Figured for a
small-time chiseler.

And here you are making a
circus out of all the con men

On Broadway.

Where do you get
that sucker stuff?

We don't figure a
chance to sucker

Just because he gets
honest at Christmastime.

No, don't change the subject.

We're here for the old gals.

I say you're the
biggest suckers

In the world because here
you are, out collecting money

For the Nellie Thursday Home,
and every cent goes right

Into the Kid's pocket.

I don't believe it!

We don't either.

Neither do I. You
just can't trust

A character like Oxford Charlie.

Straight Flush, you used
to work for Moose Moran.

I've got Moose on the
phone now in Florida.

Ask him why the Kid
is collecting ten grand.

I'll ask him.

Hello?

Who is this? [CHUCKLES]

Wrong number.

Here, give me that!

Don't worry, Kid.

We're with you.

Hello, Moose.

This is Straight Flush.

Oxford Charlie's
trying to tell us

The Lemon Drop Kid is something
less than on the level.

Yeah?

Hm.

I guess we are the biggest
suckers in the whole world.

I thought the
Kid was my friend.

And there I am, standing on the
corner, wearing a hokey suit,

And ringing my little bell.

Hey, what happened to the Kid?

I know what's going
to happen to him.

Let's find him.

Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Forget about the Kid.

Moose Moran will
take care of him.

From now on, you guys
are working for me.

We'll squeeze every
dime out of this racket.

And there'll be a big
fat cut for everybody.

Kid!

Kid, I think that you
are the lowest thing...

Now, Brainey.

Don't jump to conclusions.

I can explain everything.

You've been
explaining dirty tricks

Since the first time I met you.

Well, I had to raise ten grand.

Did you want me to get killed?

That's the best
idea you ever had!

How can you be so
low as to, uh...

I didn't realize the old
dolls would take it so big.

At least, they're going to
be around for the payoff.

On Christmas Eve,
Moose Moran is going

To mark me "paid in full."

That's eight days off.

What do you expect me to do?

Steal the money back from a
hoodlum like Oxford Charlie?

Why not?

Then at least,
somebody around Broadway

Might shed a tear for you.

That's more than
I'll ever do again.

How much on this ring?

[STORE BELL RINGS]

Your wedding ring?

I'm sorry, Nellie, but I'm
loaded up with wedding rings.

Oh, Rupert.

You got to give me
something on it.

It's for, uh, well, tonight's
sort of a family reunion.

OK.

Take it off.

I'll have a look.

Haven't had it off a long time.

You women are always
in such a rush.

What are you trying to do?

Heist her jewelry?

Kid, I got enough trouble.

What do you want from me now?

Look, Nellie, a bunch of swell
guys collected a lot of money

For you.

I'm not going to let
a cheat, chiseler,

And a crumb gum up the worse.

You mean Oxford Charlie.

Who?

Yeah.

Say, how did you get
out of his place?

Where are the other
dolls and Brainey?

Still in Nyack.

I waited for my chance,
and then I sneaked out.

Yeah, well, if you can
sneak out, I can sneak in.

I'm going to get that
money that belongs

To you and the other old dolls.

Kid, don't try it.

You'll never make it.

Why, Charlie's got
guards all over there.

And he's...

Look, look, Nellie.

I've got an angle.

Now, listen to me,
just once more.

I want you to round
up all the boys.

Take them to the courthouse.

Get a hold of the judge.

And...

[CROWD MUTTERING]

[THUDS]

[LAUGHTER]

Step... get out of my way!

Hello, Chief.

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

That'll be 95 cents.

(LADYLIKE) Oh, yeah. [HUMS]

95 cents and a dollar for yourself.

Oh, no, mother.

You don't have to tip me.

(LADYLIKE) Really?

Well, here.

Have a cigar.

[SINGING] It doesn't
cost a dime to dream.

We'll line our walls
with dollar bills.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Yeah?

(LADYLIKE) I'm a poor old
lady who haven't got to eat,

Kind sir.

And I heard this was
an old lady's home...

Sure it is.

But we're up to our ears
in old dolls' mouths.

(LADYLIKE) Oh, but I
have no place to go.

All my life, I've had
to scrimp and save

To support my children.

I've sewed till my eyes burned,
cooked over a hot stove day

After day.

I even have to take
in floors to wash.

Sorry, old doll.

No dice.

(LADYLIKE) Oh, please, sir.

If you turn me away,
I'll have no place

To go except to the authorities.

Eh, uh, hold it, ma'am.

Eh, come right in.

I'll talk to the boss.

Seeing as you're a poor old
lady who hasn't got to eat,

Maybe he'll change my mind.

Wait here while I put
in a kind word for you.

(LADYLIKE) Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

[HUMS]

That's an old lady?

Boss, she was trying to
get out the window again.

Nellie's disappeared.

And somebody's got to find her.

Brainey, I warned
you to stay in line,

Or I'm going to have the boys...

I'll get out of
here any way I can.

All right then.

Take her back to her room.

And stick with her until it's
time to move them all out.

And what about the
new old doll outside?

Well, one more for a couple
of hours won't hurt anything.

Besides, we can't have
her going to the police.

All right, show her in.

This is her, boss.

(LADYLIKE) Mrs. Beasley.

Mrs. Herbert Beasley.

Well, welcome to our
home, Mrs. Beasley.

You know, you're just in time
to move to our new location.

See, the other girls are just
going to stay in this house

Until Christmastime.

Then they move to
a real mansion.

Big as a casino.

(LADYLIKE) Oh, that
sounds wonderful!

Does it mean that you
accept me as a guest?

Mm-hm.

(LADYLIKE) Oh, I'm so
happy, I could cry. [SOBS]

All right, all right.

That's...

My medicine.
(LADYLIKE) My medicine.

Oh.

Hey, Maxie, take her in with
the other nice old ladies,

Will you?

(LADYLIKE) Oh, I'll
never forget you for this.

You're a good man.

You're a very good man.

Ah, forget it.

(LADYLIKE) Thank you.

(ANGRILY) Hey, nice old lady!

You've got the wrong bag.

(LADYLIKE) Oh, my goodness!

I did make a mistake.

Clumsy me. [GIGGLES]

Heavy, isn't it?

What are you knitting with?

Steel wool?

Hm.

If I could only afford some
new glasses, I... [GIGGLES]

[SINGING] It doesn't
cost a dime to dream...

Ladies, meet a new member
of the club, Mrs. Beasley.

How do you do, Mrs. Beasley?

(LADYLIKE) I know
I'm going to be

Happy with all you nice people.

So nice to have you.

Hm, you poor dear.

Sit here.

(LADYLIKE) Oh, thank you.

[HUMS]

Mm-hm.

Isn't this a lovely
home, ladies?

We hate to disillusion
you, Mrs. Beasley.

It's a great,
big, hard old jail.

(LADYLIKE) Jail?

Dear me!

But the warden... uh,
the superintendent

Seem like such a nice one.

That's not the superintendent.

He's Oxford Charlie,
the racketeer.

(LADYLIKE) Horrors!

He's as big a hoodlum
as The Lemon Drop Kid.

Hm.

What are you working on, dear?

[GASPS]

(LADYLIKE) Oh, ha, ha.

Uh, after Gen.

Custer was massacred,
Mr. Beasley

Insisted I carry his
pistol at all times.

Indians, you know.

Hm. [CHUCKLES]

Pesky redskins.

What in the world
are you knitting?

(LADYLIKE) Uh, a mop.

[CHUCKLES]

Hard to get them anywhere.

And they go so well with
my Argyle scrub bucket.

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Eh, don't you think a larger
sized girdle would, uh,

Be much more
sensible at our age?

(LADYLIKE) I take it small.

Always have.

Dear Mr. Beasley, he was so
proud of my hourglass figure.

You still have your
hourglass figure, dear.

(LADYLIKE) Thank you.

But most of the sand
has gone to the bottom.

(LADYLIKE) Yes. [CLEARS THROAT]

There we go, old girls.

Everybody get ready.

We're moving out.

The Old Flower Shoppe is going
to make another delivery.

Come on.

This is outrageous!

[LADIES MUTTERING]

(LADYLIKE) That was a
short visit, wasn't it?

My yarn!

(LADYLIKE) Oh, yes.

Mm-hm.

Oh!

[CHATTER]

Come along, dear.

(LADYLIKE) Coming, coming.

My coat.

My coat!

They're out in the truck.

You dog!

Come on, old doll!

(LADYLIKE) Coming, coming.

[DOOR SHUTS]

What do you think you're doing?

I thought all you nice
old dolls had left.

(NORMAL VOICE) I'm
not a nice old doll.

And I'm not leaving.

And I haven't got a gun!

The Lemon Drop Kid!

Watch out!

Oh, no!

Impost...

[THWACK]

Ow!

Ho!

God!

Ugh!

Hey!

My foot!

Where is the... oh! [GROANS]

[CLANGS]

No!

Oh, uh, excuse me, boss.

KID (OFFSCREEN):
(LADYLIKE) Stop it!

You're hurting me!
Let go!

You're wrinkling my dress!

You're mad!

He's busting my hip!

Someone save me!

Save me!

Give me that!

[THUMP]

Ugh!

[GRUNTS]

You called me, boss?

(HIGH-PITCHED) Young
man, get out of my way!

She's the Lemon Drop Kid!

(HIGH-PITCHED) Stool pigeon!

Why, you!

(HIGH-PITCHED) No!

No!

You wouldn't hurt
no lady with that!

[CRASH]

(NORMAL VOICE) He did.

CHARLIE (OFFSCREEN): Get her!

He's got my money!

That's the Lemon Drop Kid.

Let's get him!

CHARLIE (OFFSCREEN):
Go around that way!

He can't run in those skirts!

Ma'am, Dick Daniels.

People Patrol.

May I be of service?

(LADYLIKE) Well, thank you.

Harriet Beasley, Pony Express.

The mail must go through.

Thank you!

[CAR HORN HONKS]

(LADYLIKE) Oops!

Watch out!

[CAR HORN HONKS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Come on.

Get it out of here.

Back it up.

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

[HUMS]

Whoa!

[TIRES SCREECH]

(LADYLIKE) Excuse!

Oops, pardon me.

[SHRIEKS]

(LADYLIKE) Pardon
me, my room's on fire.

[SHRIEKS]

Whoops!

[CLANG]

You all right, mother?

Mother?

I'm not even married.

[MEN CHATTER]

Did you see what I saw?

Yeah, I saw her.

Did you see an old lady?

Yes, she's in there, Officer.

Yeah?

Not for long, she ain't.

Did you see an
old lady in there?

An old lady?

Ah, ha-ha, very funny.

I heard it.

Who was that old lady I saw?

Ha-ha, very good.

I'm with the towel company.

Hrrm.

What's this I hear in Florida
about an old dolls' home?

It was the Kid's idea.

I told him he was
crazy, but that's

How he figured to
raise the money.

I don't want old
dolls or anybody else

Fooling around here.

The New York cops
would love to hang one

On me for opening
this place again.

We collect on the Kid,
and then lock it up tight.

Hi, Kid.

Sam tells me you
raised the ten grand.

That's good.

Yeah.

I got it all
counted out for you.

Here you are, ten thousand even.

Say, it's almost Christmas,
just fifteen minutes more.

Wouldn't you like to settle
for five thousand just

To show your
Christmas spirit, huh?

Would ya... 75 hundred?

No spirit, huh?

You can forget my presents.

You don't have to...
OK, ten thousand even.

Paid in full.

[DOOR OPENS]

Well, Moose, hello.

When did you hit town?

Just arrived, Charlie.

Had some collecting to do.

Oh, you rat.

That's my money bag.

Where's my 16 grand?

Oh, well, here it is.

I just borrowed it.

There you are.

Now, you're paid off.

And you're paid off.

And everybody's happy.

Let's shake hands and wish each
other a Merry Christmas, huh?

Just a minute.

You owe me ten grand.

Oh, yeah, you're the one.

There you are.

You don't have to work it out.

I've done my share.

Why you chiseling...

Sam!

[CHATTER]

We can't have gambling here!

Get that switch, Sam!

Get the switch!

Ho, how's that for a switch?

Go!

Let's live a little, folks.

Solly, they're bolder.

- Get him there.
- Let me just beat him!

Let me...

Place your bets!

Stay there.

Hold your saddle.

I won't let them hurt you.

Come on, Solly.

Eight's the winner!

[SHRIEKS HAPPILY]

This thing's a frame-up.

How'd you guess?

And according to my schedule,
here come the police.

The joint is raided!

Please, sir, did
you see my bicycle?

I'll buy you a new one.
Come on, men!

Come on, boys.

This is it!

This is a raid!

OK, boys.

Stand where you are!

[SHRIEKS]

Oh, this is great.

I'll make you a captain.

I am a captain.

OK, an admiral.

Moose, you're under arrest for
running a gambling joint again.

This isn't a gambling joint.

It's a... it's an
old dolls' home.

Are you kidding?

Take them out.

Now, just a minute!

What...

Where do you
think you're going?

Well, I'm getting out of here.

I don't own this place.

You can't pin anything on me.

Charlie, we've been
watching your charity racket

From the beginning.

This money was collected for
the Nellie Thursday Home.

And that's where it's going.

Arrest him, Officer.

Oh, now, somebody call
my... hey, let go of my feet!

And I'm going to keep an
eye on you, Mr. Milburn.

You won't have to, Judge.

I'm turning over a new leaf.

I'll never be caught again.

Say, thanks for
everything, Judge.

If you ever want
a winner, call me.

Everybody, ladies and gentlemen
and all the rest of you,

You were great!

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Nellie, it worked.

Well?

Nellie!

Your husband, Henry,
he's a-coming.

He's a-just
a-passing the statue!

Oh, ho-ho, this
is it, everybody!

Goomba, pull the switches
and get rid of the tables.

- Yeah.
- Come on.

- Yeah.
- Come on.
Brainey, don't go away.

Brainey, don't go away.

I want to talk to you.

[DOOR OPENS]

Nellie.

Welcome home, Henry.

Aw.

You look very pretty, Nellie.

It's nice to see you, Henry.

Henry, this is
the Lemon Drop Kid.

He's responsible for all this.

Thanks, Kid.

Oh, it's deductible.

Come on in, Hank.

Here's our guests of honor,
Mr. And Mrs. Henry Regan.

[CHEERS]

It's almost 12 o'clock.

Time to serve the ice cream.

I'll get the napkins
and the dishes.

Goody for you.

It's your party, Nellie.

Come and cut the cake.

Where is the silverware?

Sam the Surgeon said
it was in the safe.

How do we get it out?

Out of the safe?

Yeah, how do we get
it out of the safe?

The safe.

Oh, no.

Not me.

But it's an inside job, Henry.

Nothing illegal.

Sort of a guest shot.

I just did twenty years
for safe cracking.

So we can't serve the ice
cream without the silverware.

And the whole thing
is in your honor.

Besides, you can't
stop all of a sudden.

You have to taper off.

Well, uh, I'll have to
take my keepsakes with me.

Oh, the stuff is here, ha?

[CLATTERS]

Wonderful, Henry.

Good luck.

Excuse me a minute, Nellie.

What are you up to now?

Oh, I'm up to here,
you're up to there.

What a parlay, huh?

Hold the phone.

You've got that fixed
race look in your eye.

Don't you see that's lovely?

God, I'm free to get married.

Oh, you poor little doll,
you've been waiting so long.

But it was worth it to you.

Now, you got me.

But we can't afford it.

I haven't been working lately.

Relax.

I have everything planned.

[BLAST]

[SHRIEKS]

But what are we going
to use for money?

Don't worry, honey.

I'll hock the silverware.

[MOOS]

Quiet, Crosby.

[MOOS]

[FANFARE MUSIC]

[MUSIC - "SILVER BELLS"]