The Leather Boys (1964) - full transcript

(ENGINE REVVING)

Hiya, boys!

Hey, Roy, you wanna get
a new elastic band in that.

-ROY: Ah, drop dead.
-Shut up.

Hey, what you got
in this thing?
Atomic juice or something?

-You know what you should do
with yours, don't ya?
-What?

-Oil it.
-Get out. You know,
If he's standing out there...

-Well, what's the matter
with you?
-Don't know.

-Hey!
-Watch out, I got you, mate.

What're you talking about?
You'd be better off with
a pair of roller skates.

-You better wait for the 40C
bus the way you were going.
-Shut up.



-Hey, have you seen his
bit of metal, have ya?
-It's a decent bike!

-Decent bike? Is he staying?
Hey, who's buying a tea?
-I don't care.

You're a skint anyway.

(ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

-Hey!
-Slow down, girl,
what about me?

-Wanna table, love?
-No.

-Are you sure?
-Hello.

-Hi, fellows.
-Hello, boys.

MAN: Here's the
courting couple.

-Hello, there.
-MAN: Are you going steady?

-Of course we are, aren't we?
Give us a kiss.
-Oh, don't be daft.

How's that, then?

TEACHER: Alkalies...



For washing wool and silks
and all gentle fabrics.

Contains no free alkaline.

Have you ever seen a statement
like this on the outside
of a packet of soap?

-(MOTORBIKE ENGINE RUMBLING)
-If so...

-It's Reggie.
-Pay attention girls, please.

In the last chapter
you learned something
about acids.

-In this you will be able...
-(BELL RINGING)

(INDISTINCT MURMURING)

-Has he got the ring yet, Dot?
-Oh, I'll clock him on
if he hasn't.

-Have you told your mom yet?
-Oh, she don't mind.

I'll be 16 in December.

She got spliced to dad
when she was 16.

-Sweet 16, and never been...
-Who hasn't, mate?

All right, girls.
Don't rush, one at a time!

-One at a time.
-Have you got it?

Come on, let's have a look
at it, Reggie.

-Got what?
-Oh, the ring.

-Ring? What ring?
-Oh, come on,
me mates wanna see it.

All right, now hold on girls,
don't get jealous.

Now watch your eyes,
'cause it's gonna dazzle ya.

(ALL GASP)

What's going on here?

It's Dot's ring, Miss.

Reggie just give it to her,
they're engaged.

Show Miss the ring, Dot.

It's lovely.
You're a lucky girl.

-Yeah, it cost a few bob
and all, I tell ya.
-(GIRLS CHUCKLING)

Is this your fiance?

Oh, don't you
remember him, Miss?

Reggie Wilcox,
he was in Mr. Barnett's class.

Yeah, he remembers me and all.

You want to think carefully
before you rush into marriage.

Oh, blimey!
Before we get a lecture,
come on.

TEACHER: Well,
I'll see you tomorrow.
-Here we go.

Ta-da, girls.

REGGIE: Sorry and all that,
you know how it is.

-Bye, then.
-Bye.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Hurry up, Dot,
before me mom comes in.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

-Do you want a fag, love?
-Oh, no thanks.

I wouldn't mind
a piece of chocolate.
It's in me bag.

Yeah, you've got a lot
in here.

When should we have
the wedding, then?

Oh, I don't know.

How about straight
after I leave school?

Then I can't get talked
into getting a job.

-Hey, you had the
employment dame up there yet?
-Yeah.

Hey, should we
have bridesmaids?

Nah, cut out all the
fancy lot.

Oh, I want it in a church,
I'm not gonna have a
downtown hall.

(CHUCKLES) You haven't
been to church
since you was christened.

Oh, it's nice in a church.

I'm gonna have a white dress
and all.

All I want's a double bed.
You ain't got room
to breathe here.

Oh, you ain't have sex!
It's all you think of.

Yeah, I know.

-(DOOR CLOSES)
-Hey, was that your mom back?

Oh, blimey!

-See what I mean?
Never have peace.
-Oh, I've lost my shoe.

REGGIE'S MOTHER:
Are you in, Reggie?
-Yeah.

Well, you might have put
the kettle on.

I've been too busy.

-What's she gonna say
when she sees me here?
-Oh, it's all right.

Come on.
She might get the wrong idea.

Dot's here, mom,
she's having tea.

Blimey!

Come on.

(DOT GIGGLES)

Mom.

Hello, Mrs. Wilcox.

When did you get in, then?

Oh, we've just come in.

Oh, we got the ring.

-Do you like it?
-Oh, yes, very pretty.

You ought to put down
on furniture before
you buys that.

Hello. Here I am.

Here, Dad, they've done and
gone and paid out that ring.

You need a home
before you get a ring.

Oh, well I didn't wanna
have to wait for me ring.

You don't wanna wait
for nothing, do ya?

(BOTH GIGGLING)

Well, all right then, Reggie,
don't stand about
there giggling.

-Get some cups out.
-Oh, we ain't stopping
for tea.

-We're going to Dot's house.
-No, you just told me...

-No, we ain't stopping, Mom.
-Oh...

-Come on then, Dot.
Ta-da, Dad.
-Bye.

Honest, that girl, dear.

-Why can't he ever shut
a door?
-I don't know.

Well, where are
they gonna live?

-He don't earn much, does he?
-I know.

He'll feel the pinch all right
when he's got to keep her.

-Won't be so much money
for his bike, will there?
-Well...

Marriage. They don't even know
the meaning of the word.

You try and stop 'em.

I hope your mom's
gonna be out, Dot.

Ah, she's gonna play bingo.

Yeah, we'll play bingo
and all.

Oh, suit me all right.

Let your own.

Do with the extra light.

-You're doing all right
with your tea, then?
-Yeah.

We'll go down
the fish shop, Dot.

Hey, you should have
heard Elmar Thomas.

"Don't rush into it,"
she said.

Yeah, she wouldn't mind
a chance of rushing, eh, Mom?

Shan't be back
till late tonight.

Oh, yeah?

We are going up
to the bingo hall.

-Oh, bingo.
-I see, I see.

Yeah, well, have
a nice time then, Mom.

Cheeky little blighter.
Come on, give us your fag.

Here, mom, they says
I wasn't to wear me ring
at school.

You can wear it
if you want to.

Yeah, they're a load
of nutcases at that place.

Don't forget the washing up
tonight, will you, dear?

Oh, by the way,
something come for you
in open holiday camp.

It's in the kitchen.
Those chalets look all right.

You'll be all right there,
Reg.

Come on, let's go
have a look.

Your mum can't wait
to be on her own.

Here, have a look at these.

Yeah, let's find a chalet.

-Here, eh, look at the
swimming pool, it's indoors.
-Look, it's got double beds.

It's great.

"Luxuriously furnished
chalets,

"with bathroom and toilet

"incorporated with
every suit."

-Suite.
-Oh, yeah.

Here, eh, look at
the dancers, eh?
Aren't they dressed posh?

Yeah, plenty of skirt here.

Oh, get roffed.

-Hey, look at the dining hall.
-Oh, look at the
chalets.

And look, they got everything,
look, colored walls, bath.

And the old whatsit?

That's handy, innit?

Here we are, "Every mattress
is guaranteed for 20 years."

Honey, it might last us
a couple of weeks.

Yeah, this is great,
we'll be all right here.
Nobody to disturb us.

There's no one to disturb us
here, either.

-You naughty girl.
-(GIGGLES)

Come on.

( WEDDING MARCH BY WAGNER
PLAYING ON CHURCH ORGAN)

Here they come!

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh! There's the photographer.

Now, we want a lovely picture,
just stand right there.

When I say "one, two, three",
say, "cheese".

One, two, three...

ALL: Cheese!

Oh, that was nice.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Oh, look, here it comes!

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Did you see how Phil did?

-Get out of it, Arthur.
-It only happens once,
you might as well enjoy it.

Hey, that's a new fur.

It was good to come back,
wasn't it?

After all,
more money for booze.

Oh, you're tight.

She's tight, your mom.
She's dead tight.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Here you are, darling.

DOT'S MOTHER:
Oh, get there, please.

There we are, love.

Yeah that's right, er,
43 crutches going.

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

What about the harp, eh?

They're here, Fred.

Start the music, Charlie.

Oh, Mom, look at the cake.

(ALL CLAMORING)

-Oh...
-Doesn't she look lovely?

-Oh, it's beautiful.
-Oh, I chose it for her.

-Go and sit down.
-Can we sit down there?
Watch it.

Oh, Mom, don't be
fussed so.

-Come on, Gran.
-Where's that cake?

Yeah, you can have
a bit later darling,
sit down now.

Now come on.

(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL TALKING AT ONCE)

Hello, fellows,
how's it going?

-Me? I'll have
a gin and orange.
-Gin and orange!

Excuse me, dear, excuse me.

-Oh, dear, gin and orange?
-No, I'll have
a milk stout please.

He's a lovely boy, dear.
What would you have, ma'am?

-Port and lemon.
-Port and lemon.

Pint of bitter, please.

-You?
-I'll have a Guinness.

Guinness, pint of bitter,
port and lemon,

and a milk stout
over here, then.

Hey, I better go see
what Dot and Reggie want.
Nobody's asked them yet.

Hello, Reggie boy,
what are you having?

-Oh, I'll have a beer,
Uncle Arthur.
-Ah, beer makes you queer.

You don't want that
on your wedding night.
(LAUGHS)

-What are you having, Dot?
-Oh, I'll have a whiskey.

Whiskey makes you frisky!

(ALL LAUGHING)

What about the eats, then?

Come on everybody,
eat something, please.

Come on, girls.

-Here we are, then.
-Thanks, Arthur.

You gonna cut the cake,
then, Dot?

Should we do it now, then?

I don't know, I suppose so.

I can't remember
when they done it
at Carol's wedding, can you?

No.

Dot, come and cut the cake.
(LAUGHS)
Come on, then.

Hey, Mom, Dad!
We're gonna cut the cake.

Come on,
we're gonna cut the cake.

Imagine, they're gonna cut
the cake.

Come on, Gran.

REGGIE'S MOTHER:
Well, you stand there.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

You put your hand
over hers, Reg.

I'll definitely make peace.

Push down.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

DOTS MOTHER:
Ah, kiss her, Reg.
Kiss her.

ALL: Aw!

I'm now gonna
propose a toast
to the happy couple.

And I hope you'll all join me

in hoping
that all their troubles
will be little ones.

(ALL LAUGHING)

* For they are jolly
good fellows

* For they are jolly
good fellows

* For they are jolly
good fellows...

* And so say all of us
And so say... *

Yeah, I'll tell ya,
that's the hardest days' work
I've ever done.

Will you be
requiring this, madam?

Oh, no,
not until the christening.

-You what?
-Oh, well, you never know.

Come here, darling.
It's legal now, you know?

Yeah, yeah, and it's freezing.

-Oh, you're lovely and warm.
-Oh, get off.

Look, if you want to get there
for your tea,

you'll have to finish the
packing, won't ya?

Tea? There won't be time
for tea once I get you
in that chalet.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

Hey, you know,
I can't believe
we're spliced.

I mean, I feel just the same.

-Well, go on, say it.
-Say what?

(GIGGLES) Mrs. Wilcox.

Mrs. Wilcox. That's my mom.

-No, it's me and all now.
-Come on, dear.

-Are you ready?
-I'm ready for you
anytime, darling.

Oh, come on, you.

I mustn't forget me flowers.
I forget to throw them.

-Have you got everything?
-Yeah.

-Right.
-Hey, where you going?

-On me honeymoon.
Are you coming?
-Cor, I don't know.

Hey, look at all
those buildings, Reg.

Innit smashing?

-What, love?
-I said, innit smashing?

Yeah, it's all right.
Come on, let's have a look
at the chalet.

-The what?
-You heard.

Don't you ever stop?

Come on.

MAN: Fetch!

GIRL: Get out! Whoo-hoo!

Oh, Reggie,
I wanna join in the game.

Yeah, you would. Come on.

-Hey, how about
the dance hall, eh Dot?
-Oh, look at them flowers.

Oh, I'm starving, Reggie.

Yeah, you would be.

Hey, we're not too late
for tea, are we?

No, tea is served
right through till 6:00.
Dining room's over there.

-Oh, look at this.
-It's only the walk.

Hey. Hey, Reggie, I want to go
on the whirl-a-round.

-Yeah, you would.
-Aw.

-Hey, look at those up top.
-I wonder if our chalet's
up top.

Yeah, it'd be a right giggle,
wouldn't it?

I reckon we ought to
stay in and have
our grub sent round.

Oh, you would.

Yes, here we are.
You'll find everything
you like,

bathroom, toilet, the lot.

Hope you have a pleasant stay.

-Key.
-Thanks very much.

-Ta, mate.
-Cheers.

Glad we done it?

Yeah, of course.

At least we didn't have
to get married.

Not like Carol and Stan.

Oh, I bet they're all counting
the months.

Come on, give us a kiss.

WOMAN OVER PA: Hello, campers.

There's a dance at the
Princess Ballroom at 7:30.

Now, don't forget, 7:30.

Hey, I better unpack my dress
or we'll be late.

Oh, there's still
time for that.

Bags of time.

-Hey, Reggie, I'm hungry.
-What, again?

You know, I don't know why
we come away.

Been here three days,
haven't seen a thing yet.

Yeah, all right, love.

Oh, I'm gonna get
some fresh air.

Ooh, it ain't half fresh
out here, Reggie.

-Oh, come on out.
-Nah.

I wanna go somewhere.
I wanna do something.

We can't do nothing,
it's raining, innit?

What do you mean
you can't do nothing?

There's lots of stuff
in the program.

Yeah, big giggle.

Well, what do you wanna keep
stuck indoors for?

The whole point in coming here
was so that we have
things to do.

Seems to be only one thing
that you wanna do.

If you must know,
I've had enough.

Here, Reggie, why don't you go
in for the Tarzan competition?

You're joking, ain't ya?

Here, bonnie babies.

-Next year, love.
-Oh, no thanks.

Here, Eric Winstone's
playing tonight.

-Oh, let's go, Reg.
-Oh, big deal.

Oh, go on, Reg.
I need to have me hair done.

-Nah...
-Reggie.

-I don't like it black...
-Please? Go on.

-Do you think it suits me?
-I think it suits you
perfectly, ma'am.

-I hope me husband likes it.
-I'm sure he will.

-Oh, hello, Reggie.
-What's happened?

What do you mean
what's happened?

Just fancied a change,
that's all.

-Don't you like it?
-It's all right,
but I don't get it.

Oh, come on.

Let's go and get dressed
for the dance
or we're gonna be late.

But why did you do it?

You know I always fancied it,
me mom wouldn't let me.

But now I'm married
she can't say nothing,
can she?

-Yeah, but what about me?
-What about you?

You said you liked it,
didn't ya?

(BAND PLAYS ROMANTIC MUSIC)

Where are we going?

Come on, Dot,
let's get out of here,
I've had enough.

What do you wanna go for?
I'm enjoying meself.

Yeah, I know. I've had enough.

May I have this dance?

Oh, you don't mind, do you?

Hey, you can sit there
and watch.

(BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC)

Yeah, Reg, tell them the one
about the policeman
and the Scottishman.

-(LAID BACK MUSIC PLAYING)
-We got to be going,
look at the time.

-Oh, go on.
-Oh, I'm not doing that.

Oh, well, I'll tell it then.

Well, there's this policeman
and a Scottishman, you see.

Well, go on
and get some more drinks.

Well, this policeman
and this Scottishman...

Four lagers, mate, please.

And it all turned out (LAUGHS)
that they're bagpipers!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, I know another one.

It's about this producer,
his...(LAUGHS)

Hey, look,
there was this chorus girl

you know, a shapely
little bitch, she was.

(DOT SPEAKING IN THE DISTANCE)

(MUSIC CONTINUES IN DISTANCE)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING )

(DOT GIGGLES)

(DOT HUMMING)

Hello, Reggie.

About time, innit?

What you been doing?

Ah, just been telling a
few jokes, that's all.

What you been doing?

Oh, I've been having a giggle,
ain't I?

Sitting here waiting for you.

What? You could have stayed
with me.

I didn't give you the push.

Do you think I wanna stay
down there with your friends
telling dirty jokes?

They're not my friends.

I met them
the same time as you.

Aren't your friends?

Do you mean to say
you can sit there

and tell dirty jokes
and they're not your friends?

What's the matter with you?

What do you mean
what's the matter with me?

Are you drunk or something?

-No, smell.
-Stop it.

Oh, you're spoiling
the holiday.

We're not on our holiday,
we're on our honeymoon,
in case you forgot.

We don't have to live and die
together, do we?

We seen more of each other
before we was married.

Oh, didn't have
so much opportunity, did ya?

I wasn't talking about that.

Oh, should have thought you
would have been satisfied
not having to wait

until your Gran went to bed
so we could use
the front room.

You know what I meant.

-You're spoiling the holiday.
-It's you who's spoiling it.

What have I been doing
different this week,
then when we been away before.

We wasn't married then.

Oh, what's the difference?
This?

Yeah, it is different.

Being married
makes it different.

Well, if I've got to stop
enjoying myself just because
we got married,

I'm sorry we did.

We don't have
so many holidays together.

I just wanted to make
the most of it, that's all.

Look, I'm not saying
we gotta do things
together always,

I just thought we would
this week, that's all.

Anyway, if you must know,
I've just about had enough.

So have I.

I mean, just look at you.

What's the matter with me?

Just look at your bloody hair!

Yeah, oh, that reminds me
of a joke about hair, you see,

there was this hairdresser
and he used to wear a wig
you see,

and his girlfriend,
she didn't know
he wore a wig.

Turned around,
and it was very, very windy
and he...(GIGGLES)

Spare a penny
for the guys, please, miss.

Thanks.

-Oh, hello.
-Oh, you're back, then?

-Where the hell you been?
-I went up to the junction
to the hairdressers.

Do you like it?

Well, look,
it don't take all day, do it?

I'm hungry when I come home.

Well, why didn't you make
yourself some tea, then?

I've been too busy, ain't I?

Oh, anyhow,
it wasn't my fault.

They gone and done it
the wrong shade.

They done it pink champagne
instead of pink platinum.

The way we're carrying on,

you'd think
we'd be married six years
instead of six months.

Oh, I didn't know
they were gonna be so long.

Why didn't you
leave me something?

Oh, don't go on.
I didn't know
I was going meself.

Carol came
and I went with her.

Oh, yesterday you was
at the pictures.

Now, look, Dot, I'm hungry
when I come home,
I want something to eat.

I don't wanna have to start
doing the housework, innit?

There wasn't
a clean shirt, either.

You dirty them so quickly.

I can't go
to the laundry every day,
I was going tomorrow.

-You can't do nothing, can ya?
-Oh, shut up!

When I come home from work,
I want you here to get my grub
and do me washing.

Why should I?

Why should ya?
'Cause you're my wife,
that's why!

Now, look, I'm not gonna
argue with you,
but I'm telling you this.

If you're not here
tomorrow night
to get me something

I'll have to find
someone who can.

I'm making your tea now.

What? Beans again?

Well, what's the matter
with them?

You always eat 'em.

Beans! Beans! I'm not
like a bean.

Got to eat something here.
I can't live on here.

-Now where are you going?
-Down to the caf.

I don't know
why you don't move in there.

Well, at least the grub's
a bit better down there,
innit?

Ha! You're joking, of course.

Yeah, did you see me
on Friday night,
coming down here?

-I took on a Norton.
You know Jack's Norton...
-Yeah?

-I took it right up
the bridge, didn't I?
-Did ya?

-Yeah.
-Do you know someone's
been having me on again?

The whole world's
full of liars.
Well, it's true.

-Who is this guy?
-Hey Nick,

-I think I saw you
at the stateside.
-We've got a nutcase here.

You know what
they all told me?

That these things
went out with the ark.
You know that?

-Just got out, have ya?
-That is true.

Columbus went over to America
with something
newer than that.

Hey, is he talking to me?

He's unbelievable. I love ya!

-Hey is that
your Norton, mate?
-That's my Norton.

-I paid the first deposit...
-That's a danger to society,
do you know that?

Ask any lawyer,
I paid the first deposit,
I promise ya.

The mo' was taken off the road
20 years ago.

-Do you know
when I last saw you?
-Where?

On the old cross race,
down at Brighton.
Do you remember that?

You a fast man, eh?

It has been known, you know.

You fancy yourself
against this?

Against... Now look,
I don't waste my time
with kids...

Just a minute.
Hold on. Hold on.

I've got racing pistons
on this, you know.

-Have ya?
-Yeah.

And what else you got?

-Eh?
-I got a closed box.

And half a packet
of Ronson flints.

-Don't tell me your story,
don't give me that.
-I'll tell you what?

I'll give you a short burn
from here down the road.
About a mile.

You wanna throw
your money away? Okay.

You got your problem.

I'll see you down the road.

You see that picture
on my back? That's all
you're gonna see, man.

He's a nutcase.

He's a definite nutcase.

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

-Hey, what happened
to you, then?
-(LAUGHS)

Well, you know how it is,
I though I'd better
give you a chance.

Hey, you coming out
for a drink, then?

No, I ain't got
much time now, mate.

Got to go round and see
me gran.
Me granddad's in in bed.

Oh, come on.
You can go over there later.

Listen,
I know the greatest place
in the world for a drink.

The greatest place
you've ever seen.

-Yeah? Where's that then?
-Wait and see.

Follow me,
and wait and see.

(WHOOPING)

PETE: Here we are.

Yeah. Ha-ha!

Here we go.

Hey, what's all this here,
then?

-Eh?
-What's all this here?

I told you.
It's the corporation rubbish
dump where I work.

We burn all the rubbish.

It's a great
old place, innit?

Cor, it doesn't half stink,
does it?

I come up here
a lot at night time.

You know,
watching the trains,

philosophizing
and drinking beer.

-Oh, yeah?
-Better than going to
a boozer, I'll tell ya.

-I reckon you are
a bit of a nutcase, Pete.
-Why?

Well, you know, I want
to sit down in the pub,

have a nice drop of beer,
enjoy meself.

-You wanna sit up here.
-It's better up here,
innit, eh?

What did you bring
them rockets for?

Well, it's Guy Fawkes
night, man.

It's Guy Fawkes night
next week, man.

No, look, man.
I tell you, you gotta
use your imagination.

If you want Guy Fawkes night
to be tonight,

then Guy Fawkes night
is tonight.

If you want Guy Fawkes night
to be on Guy Fawkes night,
then it's on Guy Fawkes night.

It's all in the mind,
you know?

Okay. So I was
brought up too properly.

Well, I wasn't brought up
at all, mate.

I tell ya, I went to
sea school, it's worse
than borstal, that is.

-Much worse.
-What did you
do that for, then?

Well, my old lady
and my old man got killed
during an air raid.

-You know how it goes.
-Yeah?

Yeah. Give us a swig
of that beer, will you?

And watch these two go off.

Hey, hey, hey.
I tell you,
this is marvelous.

-You got any grandparents?
-Eh?

Whoa!

Hey, hey!
That's marvelous, innit, eh?

Hey, what about you?
You got any family
and all that?

-...three, two, one, zero.
-Hey, watch this one.
Watch this.

Werner von Braun
ain't got sack for a
job like that, I tell you.

Here, look. Ha-ha.

Oh, that's marvelous, innit?

Oh!

(WHOOPING)

-Hello.
-All right?

Did you get something to eat?

Yes, thanks.

-Is everything all right,
then?
-Yeah, sure.

You was a long time
at the caf.

I went to see Gran.

I was hoping
you'd come home early tonight.

-Ah, she's in
a bit of a state.
-Oh.

You know, I've been reading
some smashing stories
since you've been out.

Oh, yeah?

Okay, listen to this.

"Phil, darling,
I've been longing
to be alone with you."

He says, (IN DEEP VOICE)
"Have you,
my fabulous she-cat?"

-That's daft, isn't it?
-No, it's not daft.

(INDISTINCT)

-People don't talk like that
in real life.
-Yes, they do.

Hey, Reg.
Here, look at this bird.

Hey, do you fancy her?

Yeah, she's all right.

Well, what about me?

REGGIE: Hey, what you got
in your mouth?

Oh, it's chewing gum.

-I didn't' think you'd notice.
-Come on.

(GIGGLES)

Hey, what's that on me back?

-Oh!
-Oh, I was eatin' crisps.

Oh, Dot,
for crying out loud.

Here, they've gone now.

(DOT GIGGLES)

This pillow's like a rock.
What's the matter with this?

Hey! Move off that.
It's me chocolates.
You'll melt them.

Chocolates, chewing gum!

Where you going?

Cigarette.

I don't know
what's the matter with you.

You ain't normal.

-Don't you want to anymore?
-I'm sorry, Dot.

What have I done wrong?

-You was keen enough
before we was married.
-Yeah, I know.

Funny, innit, to change?

-I can't help it.
-Well, it ain't funny for me.
I'm going mad.

You don't even try.
I ain't becoming a nun.

(RADIO PLAYING ROCK 'N' ROLL)

Reggie.

Hello, Mrs. Stanley,
what's up?

He's gone, Reggie.
Your gran wants you.

Oh, right,
I'll come back with you.

I'll give you a lift
on the bike.

No, thank you, Reggie,
I'd rather walk.

-Mr. Stough?
-Yes?

-My granddad's just died.
-What is it?

-My granddad's just died.
-Better go home, then.

Pity he couldn't wait
for the weekend.

-See you tomorrow.
-Okay, boy.

The house won't
half feel empty without him.

We'll be back with the coffin
in about an hour.

If you leave
the front door open for me,

the old lady needn't know
what's going on.

Better that way,
less upsetting.

-No farewells, you know.
-Yeah, okay.

Oh, er, one further
word of advice.

You know he's got
a brand new pair
of pajamas on.

That seems rather a waste.

I mean, once we collect him,
who's to know?

An old pair would do
just as well.

Uh, look here, mate,
if Gran put him in 'em,
he's staying in 'em.

Yeah, very well, as you say.
No, I'll see myself out.

-Mr. Lunnis gone?
-Yeah.

-Want a cuppa?
-No, thanks, love.

Well, then you better
run along.

I don't want
to spoil your evening.

You've been with me all day
as it is.

Oh, I don't like
leaving you on your own, Gran.

Oh, don't be silly.
I've got to get used to being
on me own, haven't I?

Now, go along,
there's a good boy.

You've been wonderful,
I don't know what
I'd have done without you.

Now, God bless you, darling.

-Go on.
-Are you sure
you'll be all right?

Of course I'll be all right.
Go on, hop it.

I'll tell you what,
I'll ask Mrs. Stanley
to come in, all right?

Okay, that'll be lovely.
You do that.

-See you tomorrow, then.
-Okay, ta-da.

See you then, love.

(SIGHS)

Look at the time.
You said you was coming home
straight after work.

For crying out loud,
how did I know
he was gonna die?

Now, come here!

-(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
-DOT: Oh, shut up.

Well, you could have
let me know, couldn't ya?

I come up to me mum's
at 5:00.

No, I left as soon as I could.

You don't know what goes on
when somebody dies.

Anyway, I thought you said
we was going to the pictures.

Oh, for crying out loud,
me granddad kicked
the bucket this afternoon!

I don't feel like
sitting in the pictures.

Well I'd have gone with me mum
this afternoon. You said this
morning we'd be going.

-Hello, there, how's it going?
-Hello, Bryan.

Now, look, you go
to the pictures every day,

it wouldn't do no harm
to give it a miss for once.

I don't go to the
pictures every day,
only twice a week.

-Yes, love?
-Two teas, please.

And I'm not gonna sit
in that stinking room all day.

All right, then get a job.

Then we'd have
a bit more money towards
getting a decent new flat.

I didn't marry to work.
I married to have
things easier.

Five pence, love.
Five pence, sir, for two teas.

I tell ya, my mom was
going out to work and
done the housework and all.

You can't even keep
one lousy room clean.

You ain't a proper wife.

You ain't a proper husband
either, are you?

-What do you mean by that?
-You know what I mean.

-Well, it ain't all my fault,
is it?
-It's not just that.

You're always up here,
you never come home to me.

Always Gran or the caf,
never me.

Oh, now don't
go on about that.

Well, are we going
up the pictures or not?

I told you once,
I don't feel like it.

You don't feel like it?
Well, I do!

-I'm going by myself.
-All right! Ta-da, then!

Hey, man, she's too much.

(WHISTLES) Whoo!

Hey, what's the matter?

Oh, me granddad died today.

Oh, don't take it
like that, mate.

Look, he had a good run
for his money.

Here, Les and me have got
an idea to put a smile
on your face, don't we, Les?

-What's that?
-A big burn-up to Edinburgh
and back.

-How far is it, Les?
-Oh, it's about 800 miles
there and back.

-Yeah, it's great.
-Everyone sticks a paper
into the kitty

and the first one home
grabs the lot.
What do you think?

30 or 40 quid to the winner.

Yeah, that sounds smart,
doesn't it?

I'd like to win that.
Could do with the money.

-With your bike? (LAUGHS)
-Yeah.

No, no, straight up.
We give the laws
a bit of the bad time

and if you pile your bike up,

you can come back down
with a set of bagpipes,
can't you?

-Yeah, sounds good.
-Come over here,
I'll tell you all about it.

Reg. Are you awake?

Reg!

Oh, turn it out.

You know, I've been to see
a smashing film, Reg,
you should have come.

It was all about naked people
running round on an island.

-(MOANS)
-Hundreds of them.

-Hey, have you seen
my pajamas?
-No.

It was called
Return to Nature.

Yeah, there was
a smashing girl in it.

-She had hair like mine.
-Blimey.

And you that man
from the Tarzan films?

Oi, you talking
about me again?
-(DOT GIGGLING)

Hey, you must go, Reg.
It's on Friday.

Ah, you should
have stayed down at
the caf tonight, it was great.

Me and the fellas
are planning a trip
to Edinburgh and back.

-What for?
-Endurance test for the bikes.

Oh.

Trouble is I think
my bike's just about had it.

I'm thinking of swapping it in
for a bigger one,
a 650 or something.

Well, what's the matter
with the one you've got
at the moment?

Oh, she's all right.
She's not big enough.

It seems stupid to
getting a new bike
just for a run.

I'll have to have it, though.

-Yeah, we'll have to cut down
on luxuries, love.
-Such as?

-Your hair, for a start.
-Oh, like hell.

You always like it
looking nice, don't you?

-Yeah.
-Well, then?

I like it better the way
it was before.
Makes you look too old.

Well, other people like it.

All right, then.
Have to cut down
on our clothes.

Well, then, I'll just have to
go around naked.

Here, imagine, Reg,
just like all those people
on the island.

Hundreds of little bodies
running around naked.
(GIGGLES)

-Oh, come on.
-Okay, stop it.

Ah, what's the matter
with you?

(BOTH GIGGLING)

Don't tickle me!

Don't tickle...
Pack it in, I'm tired.

-Oh, please, Reg.
-No, I'm tired.

Please. Please.

Oh, well, that's over.
I must say, I thought
it was very nicely done.

And ever such
a nice gentleman,
that one in charge.

-Oh, Mr. Lunnis?
-Yes.

Spoke ever so nicely to me
when he fetched us,
didn't he, Dot?

Oh, yeah.

Nice girl you got yourself
there, Reggie, looks very nice
with that blond hair.

I think it's disgusting
looking like that
at a funeral.

Oh, go on, then.
Don't kid us.

Okay.

Hey, Reggie boy, pass us
one of them buns,
I'm feeling a bit peckish.

REGGIE'S MOTHER:
Have you thought what you're

gonna do now, Mother?

-What do you mean?
-Well, you know perfectly well
what I mean.

I mean about stopping here.

You can live on your own now,
Mother, you know.

Dad wouldn't have wished it.

I'm stopping here.
Where else should I go?

Well...

Well, there's a pretty
nice home for old people
down our way.

And we've all been thinking...

That makes a nice change?

Now, look, Mom, we can't come
running over here every
five minutes when you're ill.

Hey, you paid your stamps
long enough.

You're entitled to be
looked after.

I'll tell you what,
I'm free Saturday.

I'll come down,
we'll have a look at it
together, all right?

-I shall be waiting
to hear from you.
-Yes, thanks for seeing us.

Be a long wait,
won't it, Reg?

Well, I ain't going there,
anyhow.

Oh, it's a smashing place,
Mom, it's just like home.

But it ain't home.

Well, don't come to us
when you can't manage
on your pension

and don't say
we haven't tried.

-I can look after myself,
thank you.
-You won't always be able to.

I don't want to live
with a lot of old people.

I like to have young faces
round me.

Oh, you're only thinking
about yourself.

What are you gonna do
if you're ill?

Now, look, don't you
talk to her like that!

Now, look, Gran,
if the worse comes
to the worse,

-we'll come
and live with you, love.
-Oh, no, we won't!

Now, look,
I'm not gonna argue with you!

Don't have a row right
in front of the joint
or they'll never ever...

-Oh, where's that bloody taxi?
-Now, don't worry, Gran.

I told you, Reggie,
I'm not coming here.

It's a shabby little house
and I wouldn't fancy
living in it.

Anyway, what's the matter
with the old folks' home?

There's plenty of people
there for company.
It's very nice.

And she's dead right,
you know, Mom.

Look at that lovely, cozy,
little place and look at this
horrible dump.

There's no comparison.

Ah, change your mind, Mom,
you're coming between
the young people now.

Don't you call my home
a dump, Arthur.

I've got my memories here
and I'm stopping here, see?

I'm not coming between nobody.

I never asked anyone
to come and live with me,
did I, Reg?

All right, love.

Now, look, you two,
let's get this straight,
shall we, eh?

Now, look,
Gran can't stay here
on her own now, can she?

Dot, will you listen to me
for a minute
and stop fancying yourself?

Give me that bleeding comb!

Now look what you've done!

-I'm not staying!
-Come here!

Now, listen to me!
I'm gonna tell you
for the last time!

(SHOUTS) Will you listen?

Now, look.

We're not giving up very much
now, are we?

Except one lousy room,
we might as well
be here with Gran.

Well, I'm not answering to her
everything I do!

If I go in it with anyone
it'll be me own mom.

Your mom?
That's a laugh, that,
isn't it?

You're a pair, you are.

She couldn't wait
to get rid of you.

-I'll bloody kill you...
-I'm telling you!

-Oh, I'm not arguing with you
anymore!
-Come here!

Cow.

Now, go on, Reggie.
Go and have a word with her.
Make her...

Now, look, you,
don't push me!

-I'm not pushing you.
-I'm telling ya.

I'm staying here
and that's it.

(HONKING)

Here, what time
do you call this, then?

Anyone would think
I had me bathers on out here.
It's pouring down.

Oh, shut up.
I had a bit of bubble,
didn't I?

-Yeah?
-Do you good
to take a bath.

You're joking.
How'd everything go?
All right?

-No, not too good.
-Well, come on,
get that bleeding door open.

I'll have wet feet
in a minute.

Oh, getting old.

-It's not a bad old place
you got here.
-Yeah, we got all the gear.

So this is where you spend
your nights making
the spares for the bike.

You're joking.

Yeah, I'll beat
you straight now.

Yeah, I could've used that,
I tell ya.

Yeah, I could of used
a set of them and all,
to keep the gears dry.

Very handy.

Hey, man, why don't you
get yourself the black leather
stripes, you know.

-I had some, didn't I?
-Yeah?

-Yeah, got 'em mucked up
last time I hit the road.
-Hell.

-I got bike
right on top of me.
-Yeah?

-Try and get yourself
another pair.
-I can't afford it.

I'm gonna get new tires
for the run.

Not like a uniform,
really, innit?

-There you go. (SIGHS)
-Throwing off great, though,
innit?

Doing the turn down the M1
with all the gear on, eh?

-Yeah, makes you feel
real good, don't it?
-Yeah.

Don't half scare 'em
and all.

-Yeah, especially
the old dears, eh?
-Yeah.

Here, whatever happened
to this tire.

You know, I must have lost
half a pound of rubber
on that road there.

Yeah, and it wouldn't
last long on a burn-up.

I can get them cheap
working here.

I don't need them cheap, mate.

I don't have a wife
to support.

Hey, give us a fag, will ya?

-Here.
-You sure it's gonna be
all right?

Yeah, of course.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

-Gran?
-Hello, Reg.

I've got my mate with me.
Can I come in?

Oh, yes. that's all right,
but he'll have to excuse me.

-Come in.
-All right.

-Gran, this is Pete.
-Hello, Pete.

Hey, you're not his granny.
What are you talking about?

-You couldn't be a granny,
you're too young.
-(GRAN LAUGHS)

Hey, is that your picture
up there, darling?

Oh, I bet you was a proper
little darling when you was a
little darling.

-He's a nutcase.
-Oh, thank you.

Now, look, Gran.
You know how Dot's bound
to get the needle

if I stop here for more than
a couple of nights.

Well, look, seeing as
Pete ain't got a roof
over his head,

I thought he could
have the room and be
a bit of company for you.

Would you pay me instead?

Oh, sure, I'll subsidize
the old pension.

I'm a lovely tenant,
I make a great cup of tea

and I always wash me feet,
all right?

Yeah, do it proper, Gran.

That'll be nice, Pete.
Thanks very much.

So we're in business, then.
All right, then.
Here you go. Here.

And don't you do anything
I wouldn't do.

Are you stopping tonight?

Stopping?
I haven't started yet.
What are you talking about?

He's all right, love,
he's always like that.

It's what becomes
of being insane.

-Ta-da, love. Good night.
-Ta-da, love.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

-Hey, it's a nice old gaff,
innit, eh?
-Yeah, do you like it?

Yeah, it's great.

Yeah, you'll laugh in here,
Pete.
Do as you like.

As long as you don't want
your feet on the curtains.

Your granny's a nice old lady,
though, isn't she?

-Yeah.
-Sitting down there

all dressed up
like a wedding cake.

-Ah, she's one of the greatest
is Gran.
-Yeah.

I'm glad you like her, Pete.

-She's had a rough time
of it lately.
-Yeah?

I don't know why Dot
can't get on with her, though.

Well, I'll tell ya,
I'll bring me gear over
tomorrow morning.

Great.

Hey, will your landlady make
you pay the whole week, then?

Well, that's her problem,
innit? I mean, she gave me
the boot, didn't she?

-Yeah.
-There you go.

Dear Charles Atlas,
I've completed the course,
now please send the muscles.

Well, you'll be all right
for the baby competitions,
won't ya?

What, with a face like mine,
I'll win 'em all,
I tell ya.

Hey, I got an idea.
It's Sunday tomorrow.

Why don't we
take the bikes
down the coast, then?

Yeah, I wish I could.

I always go out to Dot's mum
on a Sunday for dinner.

Well, you can miss it
for a change, couldn't ya?

I'm telling you,
you got to keep on at it.
Gotta play hard to get.

I'm in enough trouble
as it is, ain't I?

I mean, I'm still married
to her,
I can't just do as I want.

Oh, I suppose.
Having a bit of trouble
getting me skin off.

You're like a lizard.

Yeah, it's a great
old room, though, innit?

-Yeah, great old chalet.
-Quiet.

-Yeah, I've lived in
some rough places, I tell ya.
-Yeah?

Yeah, I had a place
outside Liverpool once.

It was so close to the railway
and I knew the inspector,

he used to come
to the door at midnight
collecting the tickets.

Yeah, and I used to stick
me socks out of the window,

the train'd come belting past
and nick me socks

and sling the Irish mail
in through the other.

And you should have seen
some of those letters.

(IN IRISH ACCENT)
"Dear Father Murphy,

"I've been a desperate
good girl."

-Yeah. Yeah.
-Shit.

Hey, I got it.

That's what happens when
you hang your socks
on the wrong line.

Yeah.

There was an old woman
who lived in a shoe.

She had so many children
she didn't know what to do.

There was no woman
who lived in a boot.

She had not children at all.
She knew what to do.

Shut up.
You're a nutcase,
you know that?

Come on, let's get some kit.

-Hey, Reggie.
-What?

Dot's mom...
What does she cook
for Sunday dinner?

Oh, the usual.

Lamb, boiled potatoes, greens,
bread and butter pudding.

-Cor, it's enough to turn
your guts over.
-(LAUGHS)

-Ah, she's all right.
She can't cook, though.
-Yeah.

I'll be eating frankfurters
and onions.
Plenty of tomato ketchup.

Chips with lots of vinegar.

Few cockles and muscles.

Jellied eels, Coca-Cola,

beer, the old jukebox,
lollipops, all the lot.

Shut up!

Look, if we wanna go
down the coast, we got to get
some kit, don't we?

-Yeah?
-Yeah, great.

I tell ya, it'll be good
to miss one of her dinners.

(MOTORCYCLE ENGINES REVVING)

(HONKS)

-Well, it's all happening
at the seaside, then.
-Yeah.

Forget what it looks like
the old sea, don't ya?

Not if you've been two years
in the merchant service,
you don't.

I only had one holiday
when I was a kid.

Hey, Pete, look at
these two birds here.

Come on, let's chat 'em up.

That's not bad, is it, eh?

Here, these two blokes
have been following us.

-June, don't look round.
(BOTH GIGGLE)

Here, they're all right.

Oh, they're terrible,
we can do better than that.

Come on,
let's cut out of here.

Oh, listen to this.

-I've got a "happy month
ahead with romance."
-All right.

Yeah, I'm gonna pull
those two birds.

Here. I've got
another six misses,
have you got one, Brenda?

-No, I used all mine
on my last go, I think.
-Oh.

JUNE: Maybe I've got
one in the bottom
of my pocket.

I've only got pennies.

Hey, er, Pete, you got
a tenner on you, mate?

Yeah.

Looks like you're going,
innit?

Come on.

Here, it's got
your name on it, George.

-Here, have this one on us.
-Oh, ta.

Looks like a load of
old skittles to me.

Well, then.
Do you come here often?

-That's a bit old, innit?
-Yeah.

It might be old,
but it's better
than nothing, innit?

You should be on the olds,
you should be.

-He's a geezer.
-Yeah...

-Are you down here
on a holiday, then?
-Yeah.

-Yeah, we are.
-Yeah.

You staying with your mom?

-No, we're on our own,
aren't we, Brenda?
-Yeah, we're on our own.

Hey, Pete, these,
these birds are
on their own here.

Oh, good, good.

Well, that's it, then, innit?

You haven't got another
tenner on you, have you, Pete?

Yeah, that's right,
I haven't got
another tenner on me.

Oh.

-He's a card, isn't he?
-Yeah.

Well, let's have
a cup of tea, then,
shall we?

-Shall we?
-Come on.

-All right.
-Come on.

Hey, Pete, we're gonna have
a cup of tea.

Oh, yeah? Well, lucky old us.

JUNE: Hey, which one
do you like?
BRENDA: Neither.

Here, let's sit here.

Hey, bloody right.

-Right, what's it gonna be,
then, girls?
-There you go.

-Move over.
-Nice fellow, isn't he?

Come on, teas?

No, no, no, come on,
let the ladies pay.

-Don't you know your manners?
-Don't be ridiculous.

-You haven't got any manners?
-No, I haven't.

Er, bacon sandwich
and a cup of slosh, then?

-Anything else?
-Yeah, 10 tip Woodbines.

-We don't want much.
-Come on.

You're a case, you are.
Why do want to do that for?

That's all right.
They got the gold,
don't knock it.

Come on, then, Pete.
What are we gonna do?
Eh?

Come on, let's have a gig
with these two birds.

-Hey, my hair look all right?
-Yes, it looks lovely.

All that rain.

-Oh, there you go.
-They didn't have no fags.

(MIMICKING BRENDA)
Oh, didn't they, hey?

-Anyway, here's your tea
and your sandwich is doing.
-Doing what?

-Cooking.
-Oh, my luck.

-Yeah, something happened
to that pig, didn't it?
-(BOTH GIGGLE)

Come on, then,
what we gonna do, then?

What can you do?

Well, let's go down the pier
and buy some dirty postcards.

Who are you gonna
send them to, eh?

I'll send them
to your grandmother,

that's where you send
dirty postcards.

Just like...

Ah, don't
muck up that.

-Let's go down
and see the sea.
-What for?

That's what we come here for,
see the water,
have a giggle.

We've only just
bought the tea,
ain't we?

Wait a minute.

You saw us, didn't you, eh?

-Can I see a dime?
-We're not made of money.

What color are you made of?

-Oh, yes.
-Well.

Come on, Pete.
Don't muck about.

Come on, don't let's
waste time.
Let's go down the beach.

-Better got a can
in this place, I'll tell ya.
-All right.

Shut up.
Come on, girls.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

REGGIE: Here, hey,
I'll tell you what.
BRENDA: What?

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Ready, get set, go!

REGGIE: Hey!

Come on!

PETE: I'm gonna get
away from ya.

Go on, you're getting old.
Get your feet up.

Pete, what do you think
you're doing?

Hey, what's up with you,
why were you running away?

Hey, it's all happening,
you know, it's all a race.

Yes, it's all happening.
We're losing those two birds,
aren't we?

Oh, they're a failure anyway.

-Ah, I don't get it.
-I don't know what's the
matter with you.

Look, the sun's shining,
the fish are swimming,
the birds are flying.

-You know,
and it's all happening.
-Yeah, yeah, big giggle.

Sitting here,
looking at a bleedin' walk
and the pebbles on the beach.

Well, what's the matter
with that, man?

You know, the world
and its brother
do it at Blackpool every day.

That's the sea.

You're too much.

Oh, come on, Pete.
Look, they're looking for us.

I don't understand you,
straight up.

You just got yourself
unlumbered with Dot,

now you wanna get yourself
lumbered again.
You're too much!

Look at that sun.

Send it down, Lord,
and make me brown
like the Australians,

but don't burn me.

(BELLS CHIMING)

MAN ON RADIO:
So I said to her,
Winterbottom or not,

you'll have two blankets
like all the rest. (LAUGHS)

-Hi, Mom.
-Shh, shh.

...she was only
a butcher's daughter,

but she hadn't a pound of rum.
(LAUGHS)

Oh, well, I must
be leaving you now.
My wife's waiting outside.

MAN2 on RADIO: That's the lady
in the bubble car.

It was a Rolls-Royce
when we started.

Reggie won't
be up today, Mom.

Oh, now you made me
miss the joke.

Ah, you will open
your mouth too soon,
won't you, love?

Here, take these in.

(MUMBLES)

All right, sit down,
dinner's ready.

-I'm on me own today, Mom.
-Oh.

Where is Reggie, then?
With his friend?

I don't know.

Pity. Lovely lad.

There, there.

I'm not hungry.

Since when? You've had
nothing but buns and chips
all week.

He's moved out.
He's living with his gran.

He's got another girl.
Has he got another girl?

I don't think so.
I'd know, wouldn't I?

What's wrong with you two?

Here, you have been giving him
when he wants, haven't you?

It's not him who wants.
He won't come near me.

Oh, I think he's got
another girl
if he's like that.

What have I done wrong?
That's what I wanna know,
but he won't tell me.

Just because I won't go
and live with that old cow.
Why should I?

Ah, come on, Dot, eat a bit.
Oh, that's a lovely
piece there.

I don't want anything,
I'm not hungry.

You are in a bad way,
aren't you?

Well, put it in the oven,
we don't want any waste.

I'll give it to my lodger
later on.

-Do you want Reggie back?
-Well, of course I do.

You'll have to,
'cause you can't stay here.

If you've lost him,
you're gonna have to
get a job.

I divvied up everything
on your wedding. It's the last
you're getting out of me.

Oh, Mom, what am I gonna do?

Oh, for goodness sake,
cheer up.

That's marriage, everyone has
their ups and downs.

It's a pity that
you ain't having a baby.

He'd come home then.

Yeah, I could tell him I was,
then he'd have
to come back, wouldn't he?

Oh, for goodness sake,
have something to eat!

I can't stand eating alone!
You know, it's not very nice.

He'd know, though,
wouldn't he?

-Not unless you told him.
-Yeah, what's he gonna say
when I don't have it?

You lost it. That's all.
You just lost it.

He's at work all day,
isn't he?

He doesn't know
what's going on.

Tell him the doctor's been.

And you lost it through worry.

He'll never know.

Yeah, that's what I'll do.
I'll do that, Mom.

-He can't move out just
when he wants, he married me!
-That's right.

Glad you came to me, Dot.
That's what mum's are for,
you know, to help. Hmm.

(REGGIE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Come on, boys!
We can't stop playing
the bad boys now.

-GRAN: Reg, Pete,
is that you, boys?
-Shh, shh.

Oh, darling, it's not
the boys at all.

It's Roger the lodger,
your old mate,

-coming to get you,
you wicked woman!
-Oh, no!

-There you go, love.
Hey, look what we got ya.
-Oh, they're lovely.

-All the way from seaside.
-Are those all for me?

Don't eat it all at once.

Oh, have you been drinking?

Drinking? Half a bag
of the wine gums and
he's a dead loss, darling.

Oh, no, come on.
Well, you go on up to bed.

Here, give us a kiss
till Friday.

-There you go.
-God bless you, love.

Hey, and listen.
Behave yourself in there.

You be good.
Goodnight.

Here we are
on a terrace, very gay,
counting on.

Well, shift up
in the bed, then.

-Hey, that's flat.
-Yeah, flat as a proverbial.

Hey, come on, I'll be
a teetotaler by the time
you got this poured out.

REGGIE: What a time
we've had today, eh?

PETE: Yeah, it was great,
wasn't it?

Boy, she's clipped out, Pete.

You left me stranded.

I tell you, I'll be glad
to get a bigger bike.

Hey, there's Dot inside
with that fella.

PETE: Small world.

-Come on, Pete, I want
to have a word with her.
-What for?

Well, you know, I said
I was only gonna be away
a couple of nights.

I thought you was
gonna play it cool.

I thought you was gonna wait
until she come to you.

Oh, come on.

It's your life, I suppose.

(ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)

-Hello, Reggie.
-Hello.

Come on, then, Dot,
if we're going to pictures,
let's go.

Ah, no, Bryan,
I don't feel like
going to the pictures.

-What have you been doing?
-We've been having a ball.

-I wasn't talking to you.
-Pardon me.

-Yeah, well, maybe Reggie
will sort this one out.
-Yeah.

Where you been?

I've been at Gran's,
ain't I?

-Why didn't you come round
and see me?
-Come on, Dot, let's go.

No, I don't feel like it.

When are you coming back?

Maybe he doesn't
wanna come back.

Come on, Dot, let's go.

Well, look, hold on a minute,
will ya, fella?

I asked you a question.

Well, I dunno, Dot,
I just...

Well, I'll tell you something,
it better be within
the next nine months.

PETE: Oh, no,
not that old gag.
REGGIE: What do you mean?

I'm gonna have a baby.

What? Well, it ain't my baby.

Don't look at me like that,
mate, it's not mine.

Now, look, fella,
what do you take me for?

-Look, you keep Bryan out...
-What do you take me for?

-Now, look, I'm telling you...
-And I'm telling you!

(BRYAN GRUNTING)

I reckon you and me
are finished, Dot.

Don't expect me home
'cause I won't be coming.

(ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC
CONTINUES)

Here you are, mate,
brought you a nice cup of tea,
it'll cheer you up a bit.

Hey, come on, mate,
it's not the end of the world,
you know.

Here, I'll tell you one thing,
there's more people
in this country

get divorced
than get married
and that's a fact.

Hey, you know, Reggie,
I like the way
you handled yourself tonight.

Don't let anyone
mess you about, do ya?

Hey, straight in with the old
one-two, marvelous.

-It's a waste of time, innit?
-What's a waste of time?

All this fighting,
having punch-ups.

I don't know. I'd sooner see
a bloke look after himself

then sit around
and let it all happen.

Hey, did you clean
your teeth tonight?

You need looking after,
you do, I tell you straight.

I'll go and turn
a nice hot bath for you,

it'll cheer you up a bit,
all right?

-I suppose it had to happen
sometime, though.
-What?

(TURNS ON WATER)

-Suppose it had to happen
sometime.
-What?

Me and Dot.

It was bound to happen,
wasn't it?
Yeah, I got an idea.

I've got a great old
bit of bath salts over here.

This London's water very hard,
you know, and it'll do you
much more good.

What's gonna happen
between me and Dot, Pete?

What's the matter, mate?

Do you want to tell us
about it?

What's it all gonna come to?

Now, all I wanna be
is a normal married guy.

Everything I do goes wrong.

You know, I mean,
I've tried everything.

But it just don't work.
Every time me and Dot
get together,

we just end up having a row.

Yeah.

You know,
we can't even sit down
and have a talk like this.

It just don't work.

Now, this baby.
Is it yours?

I don't see how it can be.

(CHUCKLES) Well,
there you are, then.

Anyway, how d'you know
she's gonna have
a baby in the first place?

Skinny little girl like that,
you could see it a mile off,
I tell ya.

She is my wife, Pete.
Suppose she is having
my kid?

I mean, I am responsible
to her, aren't I?

Look, mate, every time
you and Dot get together,
there's a load of bother.

You're wasting your time,
I tell ya.

I don't know.

I tell ya, mate,
don't you ever get married.

Well, no, if I find
the right woman, I might.

* Me baby is a strong tan
off the ladder

* Me baby is a strong tan
off the lad

* The poor little thing
-Shut up, boy.

* Was so tiny and thin...

* -Grow up!
Barfed in a... *

-Hey, you're only jealous
'cause you can't sing.
-Yeah.

Here, what...
What's the matter with you?

(ENGINE REVVING)

Let me have a go.
Come on.

-Come on. She's great
as a pile of...
-Yeah.

Here we go, then.
Now, belt it!

Hey, hell,
That's a new engine, you know.

-All right.
-Blimey. I'm not in yet.

(DOT KNOCKING ON DOOR)

-Come in, Dot.
-Hello, Gran.

-Reg is out.
-Oh, I didn't come
to see Reggie.

-Oh, want a cup of tea?
-No, thanks.

-What is it?
-I'm gonna have a baby.

I know, Reg told me.

Whose baby is it?

Whose is it?
Oh, like that!

It's Reggie's, of course,
who do you think?

-That's not what he said.
-Well, he's a liar.

Now, look, it's no use
talking to me about it, Dot,
you better talk to Reg.

Talk to him?
That's a laugh.
You've seen us.

Every time we try and talk,
we end up having a punch-up.

-He ought to come back.
-Ought to?

For the baby's sake.

Can't you tell him and all?

You know as well as I do,
Reg has got
a mind of his own.

Well, what am I supposed
to do about it?

Well, you could come here
if there was room.

Well, there's room for two
upstairs, isn't there?

There's two upstairs already.

Two?
Who's he living with, then?

What, didn't you know?

I knew he had a girl.

I knew he kept
meeting a girl.

No, it ain't a girl.

-He's got his mate up there.
-I don't believe ya!

-Well, it's true!
-I'm gonna see it
for myself!

Hey, you know,
this Edinburgh business,

it's not so much a race
as a sort of endurance test.

And what we wanna do,
we wanna team up.

See, me with mine
and you with this. Eh?

And then we go rock steady
right through and we
don't stop for nothing, eh?

When she's running she'll do
well over a ton,
leave 'em standing.

Yeah, mate,
we can't lose, I tell ya.

Hey, and when we win,
we split the prize money
down the middle,

Thirty or 40 quid, eh?

Then we get a train
and all that down to Dover.

Have a little dance
in the south of France.

(SCATTING)

-Don't take your coat off,
you're not stopping.
-Well, what are you doing?

-Going out with
the bike for a run.
-That's right.

-Who's bike?
-His.

Oh, it's me new one, innit?

Your bike? How can
you afford a new bike?

Well, you know,
I've traded the old one
in for the deposit.

Yeah, that's right,
£4 a week for two years
and it's his.

£4 a week? And where's
the money for the baby?

-What baby?
-My baby!

PETE: Your baby?
Grimm's fairy stories...

When I talk to the kettle
I don't expect
the pot to answer!

Don't let's start
having a row, Dot.

You know, I mean, we've had
all this out, haven't we?

We haven't had it out,
that's why I'm here.

Look, love, what's
the good about of
going on about it, eh?

I mean, you know,
why don't you have a talk
with your boyfriend about it.

Well, what's he
got to do with it?
He wasn't there at the time!

No, that's right, the baby
was found on your doorstep,

wrapped up in
a bit of old newspaper.

-Oh, don't go...
-Oh, shut up!

Ah, get out! You look like
a bunch of dead roses!

-Oh...
-Go on! Get out! Leave
the men to men's business!

Men?

You look like
a couple of queers.

That's it then.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hi, Reggie.

You know,
I've just been thinking,

it's about time you and I
cut out of this place.

There's a boat going to
New York in a couple of weeks,

I'll have no trouble
getting you a ticket
down the union.

Like to go to New York?
It's great.

Do you know,
they got 13 channels
of television there?

And the bars don't close
till 4:00 in the morning.

What do you think?

You're a funny bloke, Pete.

Why?

Ah, one minute you say
you've had enough
of going to sea, innit?

Now you wanna
go off to America!

Well, we're having a good time
here together, ain't we?

Yeah, but every time
we start enjoying ourselves,
Dot puts a spoke in.

Well, it never
bothered you before, did it?

That's not the
same now, is it?

There's too much
yakking going on.

Ah, don't take any notice
of what Dot said.

I tell you, she had me
worried for a minute though.

Mmm, what about?

Ah, about what she said,
you know, about you and me.

What're you trying
to say, Reggie?

Uh, look, Pete...

-You've been
a real good friend to me.
-Yeah, I know.

No, you really have.

I mean, you're the best friend
I've ever had.

(SCOFFS) It's ridiculous.

Innit?

Where you going?

I'm going to get a refill
for my lip stain.

(CHUCKLES) Don't be a nutcase!

I only asked, didn't I?

Hey, I don't need you
being a nutcase. The world
is full of nutcases.

-And you're the biggest
nutcase of the lot!
-You're a bigger nutcase!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

-Hey, you hoping to win
on that thing, mate?
-Yeah.

-You ain't got a chance.
-Ah, get out of here!

-Lovely weather, innit?
-Yeah, we'll win the race

-with a little bit
of team work.
-We'll see you there!

Stand by your bikes!
Here, come on.

We'll see 'em in Edinburgh,
won't we, Pete?

-I don't know, eh?
-We'll see him down there.

That'll put a bit of
wind up their kilts.

-Two teas when
we get there, Frank.
-Go on then, mate.

Hey, Pete.
That's Dot, innit?

Well, who do you
think it is, Mother Hubbard?

Here, what's she
done with her hair?

What do ya think she's done?
She's had it changed,
hasn't she?

Forget it.

Here, lads,
here's your postcards,
I suppose you'll need one.

-Anyway, buddy, you're not
gonna make it.
-Yeah, come off it.

Well, it must be about
time to go then.

I'll see you man, okay?

All right everybody,
follow me over here!

Come on!

Make a line across here,
I've got somethin' for ya.

-Is everyone ready then?
-ALL: Yeah!

Right!

Right, I've got
some postcards here.

Tom, Jim, come and
help me give 'em out.

You gotta post 'em
at Edinburgh Castle.

That'll make sure
you got there.

Put stamps on it,
cause I paid for 'em.

He's dead generous, you know.
It's only Frank Sinatra,
innit?

(INDISTINCT)

Remember, it's up to
Edinburgh and back.

Okay? First one back here
cops the kitty, all right?

ALL: Yeah!

Eat and refuel as you go.

And watch out
for the old law, won't ya?

When I drop my hand,
race to the bikes.

Okay? Good luck, all right?

Right!

(ENGINES REVVING)

-Cor!
-Oh, it's tea hour, isn't it?

I'm glad I got me long winter
coms on.

-Let's have some tea, then.
-Two teas, mate.

Hey, it was great going
through that tunnel. Vroom!

Well, where'd you get to?
I wasn't even in gear there.
I couldn't see ya.

-How's it running?
-Marvelous!
She's settling down now.

-How're you going?
-Going like a bomb, innit?

I tell you, when it comes
time to open them up,

we'll have it made. Simple!

Dear, oh, dear, that lorry
must've missed them after all.

Pity.

-What do you want,
tea or coffee?
-Uh, tea, please.

-Somethin' to eat?
-No, thanks.

Two teas, please, love.

-Hello, there.
-Hello.

-How's it going?
-Oh, it's all right.

-Cold up here, innit?
-Yeah.

I see you changed
the old hair then.

I hardly knew ya.

Eh, you're a one,
ain't you, eh?

Hey, you wanna watch yourself,
you know, love, the old bike.

If you're having a...

There's no baby.

Hey, Reggie, come on,
it's getting late!

We're supposed to be winning
this thing, give us your cup.

Here, catch that, will ya?

Here we go then.

(HUMMING)

(ENGINES START)

I had horseshoes, though,
didn't I?

-Have you got the coffee?
-No, I don't want to
have coffee.

-He's a joker, ain't he?
-Yeah.

-Have you got the coffee?
-Yeah, I have.

You have? Great!
Reggie!

Quick, that way!

Hey fellows,
come on after him!

Yee-ha-ha!

Come on!

(LAUGHING)

Cheers!

(ALL GRUNTING)

Whose side are you on?
You're killing me!

-Get out of it!
-(LAUGHING)

(ENGINES ROARING)

(ENGINES ROARING)

What's up, mate?
Your elastic band gone,
has it?

-Very funny.
-Yeah, what's the matter?

Ah, I've got
a partial seizure.

Hey, you better get that
seen to.

How long do you reckon
it'd take me to fix it?

I don't know, I hope you got
enough stamps on your card,

because you'll be drawing the
old age pension

by the time you get back
to the Ace.

-Ah, ain't worth many
that, mate. That's finished.
-Who's asking you?

I'm tellin' ya!
That's a waste of time.

(GRUMBLES)

Hey, what're you
gonna do, love?

Oh, I suppose I'll wait here
till it's fixed.

What? That'll take
all night, that will!

Ah, you'd better come
on the back with me.

Come on, I won't hurt ya.

What do ya mean?
I could do it in 30 seconds
with me eyes closed!

You all right, bird?
You're supposed to be with me!

That's finished, mate,
you'd better get a new one.
-Now, what's the matter?

What's the matter?
You know, I mean
she's gonna slow you up.

No, it won't! I can take
six people on it.

I thought we were supposed
to be having a race?

We are!
What's the matter with ya?

-Come on!
-God!

A couple of aspirins
in the petrol you'll be
away, mate, all right?

See you then, fella!

Don't worry, mate,
I'll still be there before ya!

Nah, you'll still be here!

-Wanna bet?
-Next year!

(ENGINE STARTS)

(ROCK 'N' ROLL MUSIC
PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)

Come on, mate,
it's time we were moving.

Yeah, let's have our
tea and leave.

Hey, we're supposed to
be burning it up, ain't we?

Yeah, well, you know,
let Dot finish her tea.
I'll be with you in a minute.

Oh, Reggie! Look, we got
a good chance of winning,
what's the matter with ya?

I'll catch up easy.
I'll see you in a couple
of minutes, all right?

All right,
see you down the Ace.

(ROMANTIC SONG
PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

-Whoa, still
a bit parky, innit?
-Yeah.

Hey, I reckon we must be
miles behind, you know?

You know, I mean,
I've got some time to make up.

I suppose we ought
to be going, eh?

Yeah, I suppose so.

Ah, let's stretch the
old legs out, shall we?

Cor. And I'm stiff, ain't you?

-Hey, I bet it's nice
up here in the summer.
-Yeah, right.

Hey, I could do
with an ice cream.

All right, what about
this one here?

-Yahoo!
-Come on, I got your ice!

Come here!

Hey, I mean,
don't you want it?

Hey, grab hold
of that there.

Yum, yum, yum!

-Give us a bit, then!
-No, it's all mine!

Oh, it's a right
old laugh up here, innit?

It's a bit cold.
Wouldn't like to live here.

Hey, I'll say, let's do
a scrambles down here
and up the other side, eh?

Ooh, no thanks.

-Yay, you got a dirty nose!
-Well, take a look
at your own!

(SIGHS)

I like your hair like that,
you know.

What'd you have it
changed for?

-Well, you said
you liked it like this.
-Yeah, I do.

Well, that's why I changed it.

-What? For me?
-Well, who else?

Get out of here!

-You're a naughty girl though,
ain't you, eh?
-Why?

Pretending you
was havin' a kid.

-What'd you say that for?
-Well, I thought that...

(GIGGLES)

Oh, you know.

I'll tell you, you had
me worried for a bit.

Beginning to get gray hair!

Hey, imagine me with a
great big, gray, long beard.

We're a right old pair,
ain't we, eh?

-Hey, you know something?
-What?

-We ain't got a chance
of winning that race.
-Oh, I know.

-Tell you what, though.
-What?

I couldn't give a damn.

(MOTORCYCLES ZOOMING BY)

(CHEERING)

Hey, Reggie, what time do you
call this then, eh?

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

-Who won, then?
-Your team by miles.

Hey, how'd you get on it?

I didn't have the chance
of an ice cream
in purgatory, did I?

Hey, come on,
Noddy's got his money,

we're going down
the boozer to get some
Scotch down his throat.

Come on, it's opening time.

Don't hang about. You know,
all the fellas are going down
there, touch of the teamwork.

It's great old teamwork,
innit? Getting Scotch
down your neck, eh?

Can't do you
any harm, can it?

Hey, now, don't look back,
she'll turn into
a pillar of salt, I tell ya.

Now, come on.
Hey it's a bit more right.
spending Noddy's money.

-Oh, it's great to be home.
-What a lousy time
to close a pub!

-Half past 10.
-Are you still on about it?

Man, if we were in New York
now we'd be drinking
till 4:00 in the morning!

We ain't in New York.
You've had enough. Come on.

Aye, Reggie.

We ought to get a boat
to America, the two of us, eh?

I'll tell you what,
I'll borrow us a canoe,
we'll go there tomorrow.

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, that one's
dead funny, that one.

When you went into that skid
in the roundabout,

and nearly knocked Dot off the
pillion straight into a
brick wall.

Really charming, innit?
You're a friend, ain't ya?

(SIGHS)

Whoa, my legs!

What legs?

Where's my bunk?

Straight through the bulwarks.
First right by the boatswain's
office to the sharp end.

You certainly are in
a right old state, ain't ya?

Eh?

(SIGHS)

-Hey, Reggie...
-Huh?

If we had stuck together
we could've won dead easy,
you know that?

Ah, don't worry about it.
We had a great time,
didn't we?

We should've won.
We should've stuck together.

Get a boat to America.

There'll be plenty
of more times for burn-ups.

Oh, it's been
a great weekend, Pete.

'Cause that's the first time
in ages that me and Dot

have been able to
sit down and have a talk
without having a row.

What do you
think of that, Pete?

Pete?

Come on, mate.

Well, you are
a fine fellow, ain't ya. Eh?

(STRIKES MATCH)

Ooh!

Oh, man.

-Hi, Pete.
-Hi.

-How do you feel?
-Great.

-Well, you look pretty rough.
-No, I feel great.

Hey, what're you doing?

Oh, packing me case.

Yeah, I can see that.

Going someplace?

Uh, just gonna see
how Dot's getting on.

When did you think of that?

Last night.

I've been sitting up all night
thinking about it.

Well, you know, Dot and me
on the trip, and I...

I thought maybe
we had something.
Maybe we'd get together again.

So I thought maybe
I should go home.

Well, what do you
call this place?

Well, it ain't home, is it?

I mean, you know,
it's only temporary.

-What about me?
-What do you mean?

I haven't got any home.
I haven't got any old mother
to go running to.

Well, I ain't going home
to me mom, Pete,
I'm going home to the wife.

Why?

She's me wife, that's why.

You know, that's what you
get married for, innit?
To be together.

We've been happy enough
together, haven't we?

Yeah, sure we have, Pete.

We had a good time
on the bikes and that?

-Yeah, I know, Pete...
-Big burn-up and all that?

-Yeah, sure, I know, but...
-You can talk to me.

You said yourself that
you couldn't talk to Dot
and you could talk to me.

-I know, Pete...
-I've never given any
argument or nothing.

-You've been
a great friend to me.
-Haven't I been?

Don't I look after you
well enough?

-Oh, sure you do!
-Bringing cups of tea
and that?

We always have
a good time and I always
listen to your troubles.

You've been
a great friend to me, Pete.

-Well, I don't
understand you, Reggie.
-I'm gonna give it a try!

I don't understand, I mean,
I don't see what you
wanna go back to Dot for?

For crying out loud, Pete,
I need a woman, don't I?

Yeah.

You left your razor behind.

Do you want one of these
with me and you on it?

I already got one.

Oh, look, Pete...

-Well, I'll see you
down the caf, then.
-Yeah.

Dot?

-Oh, hello, Reggie!
-Hi, love.

(NERVOUSLY) What do you want?

Well, I've come home.

Well, ain't you gonna
ask me in, then?

-Oh, well, it's in a bit of
a mess at the moment.
-Oh, that's all right.

(STAMMERING)
Here, I'll tell you what...

You give us your case and
you come back after work, eh?

No, it's all right,
don't worry about work.

Come on, now ask me in,
nice cup of tea eh?

Oh, well,
I've run out of milk.

I'll have it
without milk then.

Come on, darling.

Well, don't you want me home?

Oh, yeah of course, but...

I want to make it nice for ya,
you know, how you like it.

That's all right, Love.

You come back later,
please, Reg.

Oh, please!

Shut the door, mate,
it's drafty.

-What's all this?
-I told you
to come back later,

then it would've
all been settled.

-Now look here...
-Now just a minute!
Calm down, the pair of ya.

Let's be friends about this.
Make some tea, darling.

-Now you hold on a minute!
-No, you hold on a minute!

You just can't walk out on her
and walk back
when you feel like it.

Now look, fellow,
I'm tellin' you, if you want
bother remember the last time?

Now, just shut up!

So this is what I stay up
all night for, is it?

-I come back to this!
-Well, I'm not a mind-reader.

You should've said you
was coming back last night.

You mean to say, you couldn't
wait for me one night?

One night?
I've been waiting for weeks!

Over the last couple of days
I thought we had something,
me and you, Dot.

We did, Reggie.

Yet, you couldn't wait for me
one stinkin' night?

One night? Don't keep saying,
"One night"!
How was I to know?

-You should've known!
-Well, I never see you from
one week to the next!

Well, what do you
want me to do? Send you
a telegram or something?

It might have been something!
I never see you
come through that door!

You're supposed
to be my husband!

And you're supposed
to be my wife!

-But you know what you are?
-What?

Well, go on.

Say it!

-Well, say it!
-(GLASS SHATTERING)

Oh, I've had enough.

Well, if this is what
you want, fella,
you can have it! All of it!

But I'm warning ya,
you better be
good at housework,

because, boy,
you're gonna be busy!

And you can
get out of here, too!

(APPROACHING MOTORCYCLE)

Hello there!
What're you doing?
Cooking spuds?

Well, we can't all be company
directors, can we?

What? You the foreman
of this dump, then?

Hey, who's calling
my dump, "a dump"?

Ooh, it tight out here, innit?

What's that, mate?

Oh...

-I had just a Barney with Dot.
-What, again?

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)
I'm in a right
old pickle, ain't I?

I went home and she had
that bloke with her.

I'm very sorry to
hear about that, mate.

Yeah, I'm in a state, ain't I?

You know, I've been thinking,
Pete, what you said about
going to America and that.

Well, I thought maybe
if you was still going, I want
you to take me with ya.

Oh, sure I will.

I was thinking of going down
there in a couple of weeks

to see what was
happening anyway.

Look, Pete, could we go right
away? You know, today?

Well, of course we can, mate.

But, I mean, don't
guarantee that we'd
get a boat to New York.

Might have to be Singapore
or Japan or Australia...

No, I don't care, you know.
I just want to get
away from it all.

All right, son,
I'll look after it.

-Hey, Paddy!
-Yeah?

Keep an eye on the dump
for me, will ya?

I'm going down to front office
to get me cards.

-I'll see you
in about 10 years.
-Okay, Pete.

-All right? Ta-ta.
-Right. Ta-ta, Pete.

I never did like
hard work anyway.

Here, listen. You come down
to the front office with me,

I'll go down over to Gran's,
and you go to your mom's...

Well, that's that, then, Pete?

I'm sure you're gonna
miss the old bike, though.

Oh, don't worry, mate,
we'll have plenty of gold

to spend in New York,
won't we?

-Yeah, great.
-Here look, you go over there
get yourself a beer,

I'll go down the
federation and pick
some of the boats, all right?

* Give my regards
to Broadway... *

(BOTH CHEERING)

(LOUD CHATTERING)

-Oh, ta, mate.
-Would you like a drink, then?

Yeah, cheers,
I'll have a brown ale.

He said he'd have
a brown ale.

(MOUTHING)

Another double Scotch, please.

I'm actually mad
about this jacket here.

Dodgy. Yes, very dodgy indeed.

Yeah, it's a motorbike jacket.

-Oh, you ride
a motor-bicycle, do you, dear?
-Yeah, I did. I just sold it.

We haven't seen you
around here before.

-No, it's me first trip.
-Going to sea?

Yeah, I'm going to
America with me mate.

There's no boat from here
going to America, love.

Oh well, we'll go to China
or Japan or something.

Well, that's the only boat
that's going and that's ours,
and she's bound for Cardiff.

And we've got a
full crowd, too, haven't we?

We can always
squeeze another one in, dear.

I'll talk to Big Mary
about you.

Well, she'd stick
a knife in you as fast
as she'd look at ya.

Except you've got hazel eyes.

He has!
Hazel eyes he has, dear.

Well, look who's here,
then, it's Pete.

Hello, love, come on in
and have a drink, dear.

Look at this.

-Hello, Pete.
-What're you having
to drink, then?

-I'll have a gin.
-A gin.

This is your friend, then, eh?

I got us fixed up over there,
like I promised.

It's going to Cardiff,
ain't it, Pete?

Well, mate, you wanted a boat
right away, didn't ya?

I mean, we can't
all be captains, can we?

Come on with us, love,
that's our boat.

We'll be all together, dear,
we'll have a ball.

We'll have to make it a
foursome, then, won't we?

Yes, it'll be like Suez,
won't it?

Now 50 days in the Red Sea,
remember that trip?

Oh, remember that?

We'll have a ball there.

See you on board, love.
See you on board.

Hey, what's all this about?