The Late Shift (1996) - full transcript

Geez, how late is Fotomat open?

I do wanna thank you all
for your patience.

We are now obviously
ready to go.

I'm Howard Stringer,

and as president
of CBS Entertainment,

it is my singular pleasure,
and a great moment for us,

to be able to bring
this great star to CBS,

David Letterman!

I never dated Amy Fisher!

I fixed her car,
I helped her with her homework,

and, that's all,
alright, thank you.



Alright, I'll
take some questions,

and, then, Colin Powell
will be in here,

and update you
on the bombing.

I do wanna thank CBS
for their support,

and, of course,
for their generosity,

I mean, wow, this is a deal

that would put a smile
on Jack Benny's face,

and that's in the condition
he's in right now!

Does G.E. make the best managers
for a television network?

What was the question?

Oh, yeah, no, you know,
I don't know about that,

but, they make
a darn fine toaster oven.

C'mon, Paul,
we gotta do a show.

Dave, I have a terrible
case of the hiccups.



You tried holding your breath?
Everything.

I got an idea,
hold on.

What are you doing?

Just put that
on your head there,

breathe normally,
there, Paul.

Okay.

I'm breathin'.

How was that,
you feel any better?

Oh, gosh.

Sorry...

Must've been
something I ate.

It's bloody marvelous.

The Tonight Show,
Johnny's guest host tonight is,

Jay Leno!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Jay-y-y Leno!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Wonderful, wonderful,
that's nice to hear,

Now, did you all
see in the paper,

there's a survey that says
that you're safer,

and, now this is true,
you're safer,

on an airplane than you are
in your own bathroom.

Do you believe that?
Do you think that's true?

I don't know, I've never
slipped on the toilet seat

and fallen 35,000 feet!

I mean, I never
adjusted the shower rod,

and had a fire ball
come out and incinerate me.

So, why can't we just throw
money at one of them?

What sort of offer
do you have in mind?

What does it matter?

"Late Night's" making
$70 million a year for NBC.

Where's our bloody piece?

That would have been Mr. Sajak.

Oh, Christ, what a disaster.

He's got a lock on every
blue-haired old biddy

who ever watched
"Wheel of Fortune."

Do you know how many
of our stations

are canceling him for Arsenio?

It's like they're
canceling him before we can.

Look at these fucking numbers
when Leno fills in for Carson.

And Letterman.

NBC has him signed through '93.

Well, what about Leno?

NBC only has a one-year
holding deal with Jay.

That's nothing. He could be ripe.

So let's steal him!

We can give him a show now,
for christsakes.

I'll push Sajak over a cliff
if we can get Leno.

They might fight for him.

Let them.

They can't fight equally
for Leno and Letterman.

They're not gonna offer both
Carson's spot when he retires.

This is the best opportunity
we've ever had

to break NBC's
strangle-hold on late night.

Okay, Howard.

Let's go stir something up.

And, you know,
we can knock it out

in one fell swoop.

Oh!

Oh, bouncy up here!

We gotta do a commercial here,
boys and girls.

We'll be right back
with more Sandra Bernhard.

I'm havin' a blast.

Thanks for havin' me back on Dave.

How you doin'?

What do you want the number
of my therapist?

You should be thrilled
with your life.

It wasn't that bad, Dave.

Okay, we had a little trouble
with the first bit,

but Sandra was good,
and you were good with her.

I sucked, Morty,

and the whole show sucked
because I sucked.

I don't belong on
network television.

I belong in Muncie, driving gravel.

You got great laughs.

Oh, bullshit, if that
audience was any deader,

there'd be guys in lab coats

going through harvesting organs.

Those dorks at NBC probably
steered in the crowd

waiting in line for Donahue
by mistake.

It's their way of
sending a message.

- What message?
- Oh, come on. The message.

Like giving Jay the job as permanent
guest host for Johnny.

They didn't make him guest
host to mess with you.

They do everything to mess with me.

What do you call renting out our studio
in the morning to Maury Povich, for chri---

- Laurie, I need some coffee.
- Great show.

Yeah.

I mean, when are we
supposed to rehearse?

Am I supposed to move my camera
around a bunch of bald women

with eating disorders?

We won't let that happen, Dave.
We'll do something about it.

Gosh, Morty, I know,
we could boycott the show.

They'll probably use that
as an excuse to fire me.

Oh, come on, Dave.

I fucked up number six--

No, you didn't.

It was the only decent joke
in the whole fucking show--

it was funny!

It was funny, I wasn't.
Let me see the tape.

Take a breather!

Give me the fuckin' tape.

Oh, man,

oh, for Chrissake's!

Jesus, do I suck!

Oh, that's good,

I should've jumped in right there!

Listen, you cheap, fuckin' bastard,

it's one lousy table, $10,000!

That's chump change!

That's extortion, Helen.

What? That's not extortion.
It's charity, for God's sake.

It's for pediatric AIDS.

You selfish prick!

Don't flatter me!
Put me down for two.

What? Two tables.

You are such a mensch!

Yes, I still love you.

See, that didn't hurt very bad.

So, we can have dinner, honey.

I gotta go.

I gotta go. Jay's here.

Bye.

- How ya doin'?
- Here's your tickets.

Where am I going this time?

Come, I'll walk you to the car.

That's mine.

I gotta know my future.

I know your future. Follow me!

You're playing "Joe Laffs"
in Green Bay, Friday.

The NBC affiliate is W.L.U.K.

Good luck, huh?

I'm getting you in just in time
to do the noon news.

That's good, I'm sure
there's a lot of people

watching the noon news in Green Bay.

Don't give me shit.

Those local stations are gonna
get you "The Tonight Show."

Here, I wanna show you
somethin'. Look at this.

Oh, please. Not another goddamn
motorcycle. I don't have time.

Helen, hold on.

Take a second and look at this motorcycle.

"To J.L.,

crank it on up, and
ride over to CBS forever."

It's a rare bike. Do you have
any idea what this cost them?

No. I don't know what it cost,

but I know what it means.

- Hi.
- Hello.

- Table for two?
- Please.

Are you sure this is
the place for a good
corned beef sandwich?

Yeah.

She wanted discreet.

I don't think anybody
from NBC will be dropping--

Oh, Jesus.

What?

Arnie Kleiner from Paramount,

just walked in with some other guy.

Will they know Helen?

Here she comes.

You said we'd have privacy here.

I just saw Arnie Kleiner in
the corner downing a Thai beer.

Oh, my God, Howard Stringer.

Right. A pleasure to meet you, Helen.

Rod said we'd just talk
a little business over lunch.

This looks like a
little more than lunch.

Of course it is.

We wouldn't wanna waste
your valued time.

Alright...

Now, we think the world of Jay.

We've noticed what he's been
doing filling in for Carson,

and we think he's ready
to be a star. Right now.

And, we have something
no one else can offer him.

11:30, wide open.

Holy shit.

A deal memo already?

You guys are serious.

Here, you take this.
I don't wanna hold on to this.

You can give Jay the details
without the paper if you prefer.

The show opens in September.
He'll get six million to start.

How does that sound?

Six million?

Yeah, alright. I'm impressed.

But, uh, we may be
rushing this a little bit.

Jay's a loyal puppy. He's got a
thing for "The Tonight Show,"

like every other comic in America.

Of course.

But, isn't he still
third in that line,

behind Carson and Letterman?

No, I wouldn't say that.

But, I would say
that we have some reason

to feel a little impatient
with where we are.

And I'll admit it to you, Howard,

I love this offer.

I'm sure you do, Helen.

Compliments of Mr. Kleiner.

This feels like the Late Night DMZ.

Does that make me Nixon?

I guess I'm Kissinger.

With you negotiating,
that war would've gone nuclear.

At least in this war
we control all the weapons.

We hope.

Hey, Mort, how ya doin'?
Good to see ya.

Hey, Warren.

We got Howard Stringer
humping Leno's leg.

What are we gonna tell
the G.E. guys if we lose him?

My dog ate my late night host?

I may.

Helen needs a stroking.

Jay.

I hear Howard Stringer wants to take
you to Bermuda for a romantic weekend.

- Helen.
- Hi, how are ya?

Jay, honey. It's time to go
get your makeup on.

Your spot starts in 30 minutes.

Manager and network need to
be alone. I can take a hint.

Brandon, watch your wallet.

Hey, David!

Oh, hey, Jay. How ya doin'?

How ya doin'?

- Good.
- What's goin' on?

Listen, how's NBC treating you?

Good, you know. I mean, okay, I guess.

Hey, I saw that show the other
day with Sandra Bernhard,=.

It was great. C'mon, it was great.

You don't know what you're
talkin' about. It was so funny.

I know Morty's down there.
I wanna talk to Morty.

Hey, are you guys
gonna stay around?

No, we gotta take the "red-eye" back.

I hate the "red-eye."

Listen, Jay,

we'll have Morty call ya, and
we'll book you on the show.

When you're not
filling in for Johnny.

You know me, I'm always
ready, whatever,

as long as it's okay with Helen.

Ah, right, of course.

We'll have Morty call Helen
and do it that way.

I'll talk to you later.

Alright, oh, listen, Jay.

Call Morty, alright?

Yeah, tell him to call Helen.

Alrighty.

Good to see ya.

I gotta tell ya,

I got a hell of
an offer from CBS.

I don't know. I mean,
Jay wants to stay

and take over when Carson steps down,

but, Brandon, I need a commitment.

Helen, you're as subtle
as a knee to the groin.

I didn't hear the words
"Tonight Show" in there anywhere.

What are you saying?

You want us to bounce Johnny now?

You wanna deprive him of
reaching his 30th anniversary?

Just lookin' to protect my guy.

Look at her workin' Brandon.
Is she shameless or what?

David, I don't see any reason, why
you shouldn't say hello to Brandon.

Oh, for God's sake.

Now's your chance
to let somebody know

that you want "The Tonight Show."

Let's wave him over.

Jesus, you don't "wave"
heads of networks.

You wave waiters and hookers and, uh...

Brandon.

Good Lord,

how can a television show be
worth this much embarrassment?

- Hey, David!
- Hey, Brandon.

David, I think I heard them
call your category,

but don't worry, Littlefield
ran in to accept for you.

Johnny sends his regards, Brandon.

Oh, thank you, Peter,
too bad he couldn't come.

Then I could have
been photographed with
all our late night stars

before they all start
filing for free agency.

David...

I know you want the job
as much as Jay.

Listen, Brandon,

I'm not campaigning for anything.

I'm not saying you are.

I just want you to know
that we haven't forgotten you.

Well, that's, uh,

that's good to hear,
Brandon. Thanks.

Sure.

I was in New York in July,

and I stopped by to see you,

but Laurie said you were in rehearsal--

No, actually, I was
locked in my office, sobbing.

I'm sorry about that.

I'll try not to be
an anti-social jerk next time.

And, Brandon, listen,

I really do appreciate it.

Sure, Dave. Good luck.

I feel like a daddy who's just
gotten all his children to bed.

Brandon, you shit.

We have to talk.

Helen, I'm running through
a contract negotiation

with the guys from "Cheers."

Listen, listen, I've had
it with this runaround.

You don't get by with
verbal assurances anymore.

See, I had a verbal commitment
from Brandon a year ago.

Now, he's gone to Paramount.

You I'm not so fond of,
John. No offense.

You think you can pull the same
manipulative shit with me

you try on everybody
else in this town.

But you fuck with me,
and I'll fuck you back good.

See, I don't have a contract with you.

I can move Jay to CBS within a month.

That would leave you with Carson,
and his retirement-home audience.

So, let's cut the shit, shall we?

Helen, this is just been a busy period.

These things take time.

You're not listening, asshole!

I don't wanna hear about time.
I want a piece of paper.

I don't know when Carson's gonna
get the fucking message and quit.

I want Jay signed.

Helen, I hear you.

Believe me.

Let me see what I can do.
Give me one week?

A week's seven days, John.

Trust me, I can count.

Right.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, man.

- Hey, Morty.
- Have you seen this?

Jesus Christ. What the hell is this?

From what I can tell,
there's no source for it.

What's this mean, now, Morty?

It means nothing.

It means Helen got on the phone.

I mean, this has to be Helen.

Yeah, but, would NBC
treat Johnny this way?

This is ridiculous.

I can't believe this
would've happened if Brandon
hadn't gone to Paramount.

I mean, he had some control.

Helen wouldn't dare pull this
shit when Brandon was there.

Maybe this is all NBC.
It's their way of dealing Jay in.

No, don't assume
these assholes have a plan.

It's the New York Post, for God's sake.

- What's that mean?
- It's not NBC's style.

Alright.

Let's see how these guys
weasel out of this one.

We have to control the rumors.

"We have to control the rumors?"

You have to control the rumors.

So, how do we word the release?

Maybe we should just talk about
the network's huge debt to Johnny.

No words like

"and we hope the king will
reign for many years to come?"

No!

Okay.

Helen's work, right?

What do you think?

This probably came from
the Carson people.

They know they're in trouble.

They're tryin' to screw you
by leakin' a story.

They wanna make you look
so fuckin' eager,

you'll do anything
to get the job.

I guess that makes sense.

I'm just worried about Johnny.

What are you worried about him
for? He doesn't worry about you.

I don't know. That's the problem.

I don't think he really likes me.

There you go with
that "like" shit again.

What the hell difference does it make
whether Carson likes you or not?

I mean, he's not pickin'
his successor. NBC is.

Oh, you don't think
they'll give him a vote?

No, I don't!

Would you leave
the campaigning to me?

Go! Do your fuckin' jokes.

I wanna be able to swear to Johnny
that this didn't come from us.

So, go ahead and swear.

Hello.

Johnny! Hey, it's Jay.

- Jay?
- Yeah, how ya doin'?

Look, I just wanted to talk to you

about this rotten article in the post.

I just wanted to tell you,
to make it clear to you,

that it didn't come from us.

Actually, you've been
the G.E. employee of the week,

haven't you, there, Paul?

Gee, Dave, I guess
I missed out on that one.

Well, it's quite an honor, Paul.

Kids, why don't we find out

who the G.E. employee
of the week is this week.

Right here, on our show,

we can reveal the name of
the G.E. employee of the week.

Anton, can we have a--

There we go.

Let's see who it is
this week, huh, Paul?

Warren Littlefield and John Agoglia.

Well, this is the reason
I went into television.

So my family can see me
being insulted in front
of 4 million people.

He's got the microphone,

and we're helpless.

Forget about it.

I've been looking through
these ratings charts you sent me.

You know how well Jay is doing.

Yeah...

Prime time revenues
are next to nothing.

I'm thinking about all the money
we've got riding on "Late Night."

The last thing we need
is a problem there.

Well, we've already got one.

Helen Kushnick.

The woman's forcing the issue.

So far we've been able
to keep her in line

with verbal assurances.

Leno's in line for "The Tonight Show."

Plus we've committed serious money

if Leno doesn't get the show.

Two, three million.

But she'll forfeit
the money, and go to CBS.

And that could be
a disaster for us.

We've still got
Carson and Letterman.

A lot of people believe that Leno

is the hottest talent in television.

It would be a major
mistake to lose Jay now.

Especially, since Johnny
doesn't have that long to go.

John has never said one word
to me about quitting.

Well, it may get to the point
where we can't wait any longer.

You wanna get rid
of Johnny Carson?

His ratings are softening.

Arsenio's got the younger viewers.

That's where the money is.

We've gotta make sure
the future is secure.

If we give Jay a firm deal now,

give him a contract

that guarantees him the show
whenever Johnny leaves.

I think he and Helen
would go for it.

Yeah, but, where does that
leave us with Letterman?

He can't go anywhere.
We've got him for two more years.

And Letterman's never once
asked us to guarantee him
the show if Johnny quits.

Dave is still our 12:30 guy.

We'll make sure he stays there.
All we need to do now

is get Jay signed-- keep him off CBS.

And, this should stay between us,

Helen and Jay.

Carson doesn't have to know.
Letterman doesn't have to know.

It never makes the papers.

That is essential.

I don't want anybody writing

that NBC is pushing
Johnny Carson out the door.

I want this handled very carefully.

John and I are friends.

But we've gotta have
"Late Night" locked up.

If that means a deal for Leno...

Let's do it.

Jay is the host

the first week night
after Carson's last show.

Helen is the executive producer.

NBC productions owns the show.

Now, of course, no word of this

leaves this room.

No.

Oh...

Helen gets this fat check.

I think you could say
this is the impossible dream

coming true for two people, huh?

I think, Helen, they've
got us where they want us.

Well, you see,

I would've said it
the other way around.

Let's give a big hand

for the stars of our 1992 fall line-up.

Well, you've seen...

The new programs for our fall season,

and, I hope our affiliates

and our friends in the
advertising community agree

we've put new life into prime time.

And, now the last surprise of the day,

ladies and gentlemen,

the king of
late night television

soon to begin his 30th year at NBC,

heeeeeeeere's Johnny!

Thank you.

That's very nice of you.

Gee, what a fast-paced afternoon.

You folks must be
just short of a coma.

You know, I always
get a little awestruck

to think of the great men
who've graced this stage.

Jascha Heifitz.

Vladimir Horowitz.

And today...

Warren Littlefield.

Kind of knocks the hell
out of Darwin's theory,

doesn't it?

Jay Leno,

who's now the
guest host on our show,

is driving me
nuts backstage.

"How're you feeling?"

"Your thyroid okay?"

You know, I like Jay, and he is
very concerned about my health.

In fact, he suggested I take
a run through Central Park

about midnight tonight.

Anyway, I know it's been
a long afternoon.

I just wanna say,
this is the last year

that I'm doing "The Tonight Show."

What did he just say about
this being the last year?

I don't know.

But, my last show
is gonna be one year from now,

May the 22nd, 1992.

I just wanna thank you.

I am very grateful...

And, I bid you, good-bye.

This is real.

I just said it. The world heard me.

It's real.

Great tie, Bob. Terrific.

Did you know about this, John?

Mr. Littlefield, can
I just ask a question?

I would like to thank you, Johnny,

and, thank you for coming,

and the bathrooms are
down the hall and to the right.

Warren, what the hell is going on?

I had no goddamn idea--

We have no release
prepared, nothing.

Betty, why don't you--

The press is going to fry us like
bacon strips is what I'm going to say.

...the advertises and the world
with our asses hanging out.

I didn't know anything.
He didn't say a word to me.

So who's it gonna be?
Who gets "The Tonight Show?"

I'm not gonna answer
any questions right now.

Is it Leno or Letterman?

Stay tuned, everybody. Stay tuned.

Thanks, bye.

Mr. Leno?

There's a phone call for you, sir.

I'd like to show you
to the the courtesy phone.

Oh, alright.

Excuse me, aren't you
the Doritos guy?

Johnny announced
he was quittin' today.

What?

What are you talk--
I was just with him.

He went on last,
long after you'd gone.

He just dumped it on 'em.

He said he was doing the show
one more year and then out.

Did they make any kind
of announcement about us?

Nothin', they were too busy
trying to pull up their pants.

But, it'll come. The deal is set.

We got it, Jay! One more year!

His last show is May 22nd.
Our first is May 25th. Memorial Day.

God, I'm havin' a hard time
gettin' my breath.

I'm hearing what my
mother always said,

"Be careful what you wish for,
you might get it."

I know what you mean...
It's still a secret, right?

We can't, you know,
say anything about it?

We've waited this long.

What difference does
another day or two make?

Yeah, I guess, they wanna,
probably wanna tell Dave first.

You're such a nice guy, Jay Leno!

Worrying about your old friend, Dave?

You wanna know the real
difference between you and Letterman?

You had me. Enough!

Now, go do your show in Tahoe.
Have a good time.

Yes, Sparky!

Oh, yes, good boy!

Alright, we're gonna
be right back

with a commercial.

Paul, get us out.

Hey, Peter, how are ya?

Good to see ya. Is John here?

Yes, he's here, and he's ready.

You're not gonna believe this.

Johnny announced his retirement
at the affiliates meeting
in Carnegie Hall.

What do you mean he announced his--
When? When's he gonna retire?

A year from now.

One more year on the air.
That's what he said.

Holy shit. And did NBC
make an announ--

No. No.

No announcement from NBC.

Okay, 20 seconds.

Can you fucking believe this?

Isn't this amazing?

Five, four, three,

two...

Ed couldn't make it.

I happened to be
in the neighborhood.

So, I brought you
a little something.

What's this?

You're the winner of
the million dollar sweepstakes.

Morty, Johnny asked me to
stay on until the show's done,

and I told him I would.

After that, I'm all yours.

That's great. 'Cause we both want you.

No, I just happened to be in town

doing a something for the affiliates.

You quit, Johnny. You quit your job!

That's the business you came to--

Jesus Christ, this guy is so good.

I cannot fucking believe

we haven't heard from Agoglia,
Wright or Littlefield.

None of 'em.

Maybe they lost the number.

So, we can handle unpleasant Dave?

Well, it's real simple.
First we slap him,

and then we kiss up.

There's only so much
kissin' up I'm capable of.

I got a signed contract
with this guy's name on it.

Fuck him and his bruised ego.

My ass is bruised from sittin'
on a goddamn plane.

So, you want Morty
to sit behind the desk?

Alright, fine. I can do that.

Okay, no, no.
Is this gonna work, Peter?

- Hello.
- Hello, gentlemen.

Dave will be with you
in just a few more minutes.

Great, thanks.

Can I get you some coffee
while you wait?

Please, black?

Yeah, I'd love some, thanks.

Oh, God, they're here.

They look like such worms, I tell ya.

It's Littlefield.

Yeah, Agoglia's with him.

Oh, great, thank you.

You're welcome.

The coffee is freezing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can do this.

Don't worry. Alright. Thanks, Peter.

Morty, sit behind my desk.

You sit at the desk.

I'm gonna sit right here.

And, I'm gonna
put them over there.

Hi ya, Warren, how ya doin'?
Good to see ya.

Thanks for coming.

And, you are?

C'mon, Dave. John Agoglia.

Oh, yeah, John. Good to see ya.
How ya doin'? Thanks for comin'.

Why don't you have a seat over here?

Dave, you know why we're here.

The network has been analyzing
the "Late Night" situation,

and we've watched Jay
grow into the role of host.

Obviously, we have every reason to
be proud of what you've accomplished,

but a choice had to be made.

And, so, tomorrow NBC will announce
that Jay Leno has been named

the next host of "The Tonight Show."

And, I'm sure that Jay
will do a fine job.

But, I must tell you

that we have done
this show for 10 years.

And, we know how to do this show.

Now, the best thing would've
been for all of us here

to have gone on and done
"The Tonight Show."

That's what we always
wanted to do.

And, it's a real disappointment

that we're not.

But,

if it is your final decision...

then, you can contact my lawyer.

Gentlemen, this is
completely unacceptable.

I want you to release me
from my contract.

What is this?

I mean, where does
this leave us, Morty?

I mean, how can we make him happy?

You wanna keep him happy?

Do as he asks.

He wants "The Tonight Show."

Well, short of that.

We have a plan

for enhancing Dave's role
on "Late Night."

We want to make it
a seamless two-hour block

right after Jay takes over the show.

No, Johnny, you don't understand.

Dave wants "The Tonight Show."

Period.

Well, I'm afraid
that just isn't possible.

Why isn't that possible?

Morty.

You already have
a deal with Leno?

You do, don't you?

Let's just say
a decision has been made.

"A decision has been made?"

It's over, so, if you
wanna help us out, Morty,

you tell me how NBC can make Dave
enthused about doing the 12:30 show.

Morty!

He'll be back.

Hold my calls, Pam?

Okay, Mr. Morton.

Oh, Morty! Ah!

Not bad, huh?

No, I sucked.

No, you didn't suck, Dave.

There's something there.
I've known those guys...

Warren Littlefield
has never seen me like that--

David, David--

They thought I was
George Peppard or something.

- It didn't work...
- Well, we don't know that...

Yes, we do know. They just told me

in their own charming
fucking and imitable way.

They're going with Jay.

As far as NBC's concerned, you're 12:30.

And, that's it?

Yeah.

That's it.

Fuck.

David, I know you're depressed,

but you have to keep fighting.

Fighting for what?

I'm fucked. I'm finished.
My time is up.

It's the end of the road for TV boy.

David, don't get into that.

Do you want The Tonight Show?

Why don't you ask me
if I want to play

centerfield for the Yankees?

Of course I want "The Tonight Show."
It's my--

Since I was 10 years old,

it's the only dream of my whole life.

Alright, what are you
gonna do about it?

You can't just want it.
You have to do something.

I have done a television program
on their network

for the last 10 years.

What do you want me
to do about it?

I put a penalty clause
in my contract

if they don't give me
The Tonight Show.

How much?

A million dollars.

Oh, David, that's tip money
to those guys.

Alright, I'm a pinhead, Pete.
I didn't know what I was doing.

C'mon, now what'll I do?

I just want that show.

I'm only really happy
that one hour a day

when I'm doing my show.

You will have a show.
You're a television star.

People will wanna hire you.

Yeah, who, CBS?
CBS just fired Pat Sajak. Pat Sajak.

Their gums are still bleeding.

They don't wanna hear the words
"Late Night" ever again.

ABC?

ABC's got Ted Koppel on at 11:30.

He's the gold standard.

I'm nickel-plating.

So, what does that leave?
Syndication?

Oh, what a feeling!

Can you imagine
being sold by a syndicator.

"Uh, we got Letterman,

or Studs."

"You can either have
Studs or Letterman."

I'm fucked, Pete.

Listen, David.

Don't accept what NBC
is doing to you.

You simply can't.

You must not follow Jay Leno.

Because you'll hate yourself
for the rest of your life.

It'll make you crazy.

Yeah, but, I've already
lost the job to him.

What else am I gonna do?

How about getting an agent?

Now, don't reject
the idea out of hand.

I know how you feel about agents.

But, we need somebody with
some power in the business.

Yeah, I know, but, Jesus, an agent?

I mean, an agent's what you pull
off the bottom of your shoe

after a baseball game.

They're just gonna book me in Tahoe

with Tony Orlando and Dawn.

Listen, David, I have an idea.

David. Peter.

Mike Ovitz.

Please come in.
It's wonderful to have you here.

David, I don't know
if you remember this,

but years ago when you
were with William Morris

and I was still an agent there,

we actually met very briefly.

Geez, I can't believe
you remembered that.

What I remember is

you were the funniest
guy in the room.

In fact, I don't think we got
much accomplished that day.

Michael, maybe we should
tell you a little bit

about David's circumstances.

Peter, I know Dave's circumstances.

And, so I know why you're here.

Dave is a star of
such compelling stature

that, frankly, it makes me
personally angry

he finds himself this abused.

We pride ourselves here at C.A.A.

in developing a career plan
for our clients

that protects them as much
as it enriches them.

David has set such an incredibly
high professional standard,

and yet he is going
disturbingly unrewarded.

That just doesn't make sense.

It's simply bad business practice.

Obviously, we have an intense interest

in establishing a business
relationship with you, Dave.

And with you, Peter.

Frankly, we have worked out
a career plan for David,

and it includes securing
everything for Dave

that he wants.

Everything.

Of course, that means an
11:30 television show.

Dave will be offered an
11:30 show,

and he will be offered it
by every network.

The geometry of the deal
will be far larger.

The studios will be in.

The syndicators.

The full range of
the entertainment industry.

We shall frame a deal

that will make you
one of the giants.

And, if you give us the privilege

of working with you...

C.A.A. will take care of
everything your talents deserve

and your spirit desires.

Water?

Huh?

Jesus, that was like,

having a meeting with the...

The Godfather.

Hello?

Hi Warren.

Good morning.

Theresa told me
I'd find you in the car.

Good morning, Helen. How are things?

Well, I've had it
with the Carson people.

Tryin' to get anything outta them.

They wouldn't put Jay on the show.

They wouldn't pass the baton.

Pass the what, Helen?

Pass the baton.
I had this great idea.

I thought Johnny
should say good-bye Friday,

leave his desk,

take his hand-held mic,

walk over to our studio

and hand it over to Jay

right on the air... pass the baton.

And you suggested this? To whom?

Peter Lassally.
It was like I peed on his shoe.

Well, you know,

I think they might wanna finish
up on their own terms, Helen.

You'll have plenty of time
for your own ideas.

We sure will, starting Monday.

Now, I wanna talk
about the ad again.

We've been over this, Helen,

and, we can't buy an ad
for Jay in Friday's paper

because we've already bought
a full-page ad there

to say good-bye to Johnny.

Why can't NBC buy a full-page ad

to welcome Jay to face Johnny's ad?

Because, as I told you before,

the paper's doing its
own full page of stories

saluting Johnny on
the page opposite the ad,

and we're not gonna crowd that

with a "Welcome Jay" ad.
That's it. End of story, Helen.

No, it's not end of story,
Warren. I'm telling you now,
that ad's goin' in on Friday.

If NBC won't buy the fucking thing,

then I'll pay for it myself,
but that ad is going in.

No, it isn't going in, Helen,
and it's not gonna be your money,

and you're not doing it
because I will not allow it.

We've thought about it,

we've listened,
and we've made a decision,

and that decision is final.

Boy, I knew I could expect
shit like this from a dickless

wonder like you.
- Well, fuck you, Helen.

Fuck you and the horse
you rode in on!

You're wrong. We're not gonna
do this. I will not allow it.

You closed Jay's
contract, didn't you?

You are out of your fucking mind!

But, I got the fucking show anyway.

I can see that this man
is embraced by this--

It's your only natural
talent Warren. Fucking up!

And, enough. It's over. Done.

So, this is it, huh?

I am one of the lucky people
in the world because

I got to do something
I've always wanted to do,

and I've enjoyed
every minute of it.

And, I can only tell you,

it's been an honor

to come into your homes,

and let me entertain you.

And, I hope when I do
find something that I wanna do,

you will still invite me
into your home

as you always have.

I bid you a very
heartfelt good-bye.

Is this where you want me to stand?

I always stand right here.

Where the fuck is Billy Crystal?

And why hasn't he arrived yet?

Stand up straight, for Chrissake.

You're the host of
The Tonight Show!

So, Jay, how's it goin'?

Aw, you know me.

Yeah, Mr. Stress.

You look like you're
ready to take a nap.

Maybe I will.

I just want to get it over with.

You know what I want to talk to you about?
I think we should lose the second Perot joke.

Listen, Jay. Don't you think
it would be appropriate

to say something nice about Johnny

early in the show, you know?

That wasn't my decision.

Yeah, but still, I mean...

Bob Wright?

Him, I guess, I have to talk to.

Hi, Bob!

So nice of you to check in today.

Thanks, Helen.

I just called to
wish Jay well tonight.

I'm sure he's gonna
have a great show.

Oh, thanks. I'm doing everything
I can to make sure that happens.

I'm sure you are.

Listen,

Helen.

I did have one other thought.

What's Jay gonna do
to thank Johnny?

We're not gonna do anything.

- I'd like to hear why.
- You wanna know why?

Okay.

The new show is going to be entirely
different from the old show.

We don't want to look
like we're beholden
to Johnny's old audience.

Get that outta here!

Every comic knows you salute
the last guy to get more
applause for yourself.

I mean, that's kiss-up stuff.
Jay doesn't do kiss-up.

I think it's a terrible mistake, Helen.

It boils down to simple politeness.

Now, I would really like
for you to go down there

and tell Jay to say
something like--

"I wouldn't be here but for John."

No, I'm not gonna go to Jay
one hour before a live broadcast

and tell him to insert some
tribute to Johnny Carson.

Absolutely not.

But, I appreciate your good wishes,
and I'll tell Jay you called.

From the NBC studios in Burbank,

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

Featuring Branford Marsalis
and The Tonight Show band.

Tonight, Jay welcomes
comedian Billy Crystal.

And musical guest Garth Brooks.

And now, Jay Leno!

You're gonna love this.

I got official notice from C.A.A.

"All future business activity
for David Letterman

will be handled through
Michael Ovitz's office."

What, they fired Ovitz?
What, is he trying to get sprung?

He'd have to hire God for that!

Well, let's think about this.

Dave didn't hire Mike Ovitz to
get a five-year-deal out of us

to stay at 12:30. That's not
a big enough move for him.

Now, this only works

if he gets 11:30 for Dave.

You're not listening, Warren.

Dave can bring Machiavelli
back from the dead.

It still does not
do him any good.

I made this deal.

We've got full protection.
What is he gonna do?

Ovitz, huh?

Put him on television
in Venezuela!

Come on.

This Letterman contract
has clauses in it

a prisoner wouldn't have!

How the hell do
we get him out of it?

Give me all the bad news.

Whatever deal we make
they have a right to match,

and they can take a full year
to match which means

they could keep him
off the air if they want.

That sounds like something
you'd have in a deal

for a sports announcer from
some local radio station.

It gets worse. NBC has first
negotiating position.

We can't even talk a deal
with anybody but them

for 18 months. No offers. Nothing.

Okay, so we don't negotiate.

We can still talk
to people, right?

Sure, we can talk. What then?

Then we set up pitches.

We can't pitch Letterman around,
Mike. NBC would challenge it.

No, we don't pitch
David Letterman to anybody.

They pitch themselves to us.
We reverse the process.

And it's legal too?

Yes!

We can't stop somebody
from talking to us.

Pardon me.

Rod.

Howard! Oh, I beg your pardon.

I made the plane in 14 seconds!

I'm glad you made it. We need you here.
All the heavy weights are coming in.

I heard Eisner's going
to be pitching Disney himself.

I wish they'd made it clearer earlier

that this was a true pitch.

Morton called me yesterday

and told me they'd see me here.

That's the first time
I knew I had to come.

All I had in the Hamptons
was this old suit.

And then I get on
the plane, I realize

I have no bloody cuff links.

Paper clips.

I'm just afraid
Letterman will see them

and conclude that Larry Tisch
is an even bigger tight-wad

than G.E., which isn't far wrong.

Hello, Rod.

Hi, Rod.

Gentlemen, I'm sorry. We're
under a bit of a time constraint,

so I just wanted to say
that we're here because

we wanna get acquainted
with how you do business

and to see how Dave might
fit in with your plans.

I would like to reiterate
this is not a negotiation.

It is, for want of
a better word, a process.

So, Howard, would you
like to speak for CBS?

Terrific.

David, I know that you
have an appreciation

for the history and tradition
of broadcasting.

Much of that tradition
has been written by CBS.

Even in England, we knew Jack Benny,

and Lucy and Gleason.

Does David Letterman
fit that tradition?

Like a glove.

The point is,
the CBS of the present,

can give you what
you want, David--

affiliate strength.

Strong management,

excellent promotion,

and, yes, we have space available
at 11:30 every weeknight.

And we're a network.

We're what you want, Dave.

We're a home.

Michael.

Thank you so much for coming.

You have a young audience.

We're the young network.

We're also the only
ones capable of

offering you a
start time of 11pm.

That will give you
the jump on Mr. Leno.

Hiya Robert. Good to see you.

Thank you so much for coming.

ABC has always been the
network for the young viewers.

We know how to reach that
audience and deliver it to you.

I'm not gonna say here today

what we're gonna do
about Nightline, but...

Hi, Al. Thank you for coming.
I appreciate it.

We'll build the entire
syndication operation at Columbia

around David Letterman
and Late Night.

We expect we could
launch nationally

with a lineup of stations

as strong as any network's.

Ah, that sounds great, Bob.

Uh, Alan...

Whatever.

Hi, Brandon.
I appreciate it.

Thank you.

At Paramount, we've
proved with Arsenio

we already know how to
make late night work

in syndication.

I think it's a perfect match--

Arsenio followed by Letterman.

I'd follow the example
of their nominee...

...don't inhale!

Listen to this old fool.

On and on and on and on.

It's getting close to 11:00.

The local news will start late.

Get Warren on the phone.

Great. We reschedule
our fucking lives

to do a live show
so Jay can follow up

their ghastly convention
coverage with some new jokes.

Then they won't let us
on the goddamn air.

Motherfuckers in news
fucking us again!

Warren,

they're letting this go on.

He's not gonna finish by 11.

I swear to you,
I'm sending my audience home

if you don't get this over on time.

No, I'm not losing it!

You said you had this under control!

Look, a pause! Right there!

They could've cut him off!

Get me Gartner in Houston,
goddammit!

It's 11pm in the east right now!

Mr. Gartner. Phone for you.

Helen Kushnick on the line.

Yeah, Gartner here.

You promised me you'd be
off by 11, you shit-head.

I'm goin' live tonight
so we can get some pay-off

from your horseshit
convention coverage.

I'm accommodating you by
giving Brokaw air time with Jay.

You get this gas bag Reagan
off the air now,

or I'm not using Brokaw tonight.

I don't give a shit
if you use Brokaw tonight

or any other night, lady.

And let's get something straight.

I'm the president of NBC news.

You don't have anything
to do with what I do.

I'm taking you off the air this time,

you pompous ass.

There's only one person
who can take me off the air.

Bob Wright.

I'll give you his number. Call him.

I don't need to call
Bob-fucking-Wright.

I'll send my audience home,

and then you can call him

and explain why "The Tonight Show"
wasn't on the fucking air.

Because the news asshole

couldn't get a horseshit
speech off on time!

Send 'em home!
Get them the fuck out of here!

Helen, is this a good idea?
I mean, can you do this?

Hey, who the fuck made you
the executive producer?

You do the fucking jokes.

I run the fucking show.
I've made the decision.

They fucked us, so now
they don't get a show.

Get these fucking
people out of here now!

There is no show for them to see!

Ladies and gentlemen,
we have, what you might call

technical difficultys right now.

It's a heck of a thing.

Have you been watchin'
the convention coverage?

I could've been a doctor!

Yeah, well, it's not too late, Rick.

Oh, Rick.

We're running a little late,

but I think we're
gonna be alright.

The show should start...
I think around 11:45...

That's great Warren,
but I wanted to, um...

- Would you hold that thought?
- Well, I was about to call.

What, what... what?

You know, what the hell?

That ship has sailed,
there's nobody here.

Jesus Christ. She...

What, she sends the audience home?

We don't have a Tonight Show?

You know,

I've already sold this
thing to advertisers.

Christ!

She killed a scheduled show!

My level of tolerance
with Helen Kushnick

is completely used up.

So is ours.

That woman cancelled
"The Tonight Show"

with no authorization whatsoever.

We had less than half an hour
to get that repeat on,

or we would have gone dark.

She is completely out of control.

That's become apparent
to everybody now, Bob.

The problem is,
what do we do about it?

If we make a move on Helen now,

Jay could be injured,
maybe irreparably.

The guy seems to be
totally dependent on her.

That's his problem, not ours.

It's ours if Jay walks off the show.

And the ratings have been solid.

I hate to tamper
with the show. Maybe...

Maybe we should just
limp along for the a while.

Yeah, and wait for her to self-destruct.

She will. Soon.
The way she's going.

Then it won't be an issue with Jay...

And we won't have to pay her off.

I think it's more
apparent than ever before

that we should keep our
options open with Letterman.

If you two want to limp along
with this situation for now,

that's your call.

But at some point,

and it's getting to be soon,

it's gonna be my call.

I'd just like to say, thank you,

to all of you
for this wonderful tribute.

It has been one of
the most memorable nights

of my life.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Maybe it's time for
us to talk, Bob.

You heard about Kushnick, huh?

I'm not going to get
in the middle of

whatever it is you need
to do about Kushnick.

But, if you think it's time

to get serious about
doing something with Dave,

I have a few suggestions.

I'd like to hear them.

- Well...
- I think it's important...

Hi, how are you? Good to see you.

Nice to see you.

I think it's important for NBC,

if you're really serious
about keeping Dave,

to start creating some goodwill.

There's enough animosity
in this relationship

to start a small war.

In my mind it's all been
stupid and unwarranted.

Thank you.

I'm all for goodwill.

What do you have in mind?

Well, we are prevented from
pursuing offers for David

because we are required by NBC

to negotiate with them first.

But that clause only
serves to insure

that David is not going
to listen to

any initial offers
that you might make,

generous as they may be,

because naturally he is
going to want to test
the waters elsewhere.

So we can all play this game,

or we could just loosen
the chains a little bit.

How?

You can allow us to solicit
other offers openly.

After all, you still
retain matching rights.

Seems like we're conceding a lot

for the sake of goodwill.

Maybe you can offer
something in return?

Our sales department tells me that

we've sold the Letterman show
to the end of June.

But, as you know,

David's contract is up April 2nd.

So, if we don't resign him,

we'll have to return that money.

Unless...

Unless we give you
a three month extension.

Okay, alright,
so that's the deal.

We give you three months,

and you free us up to negotiate.

Do you think David
would see that

as a gesture of goodwill?

I believe I can
assure you that he would.

Hello, Howard.

Mike!

Listen, we're ready
to talk seriously now.

Robert Morton on three.

Morty, how are
things in New York?

New York is great.
It's great to talk to you too.

I'm sure you're
quite busy with the show.

Yeah, I'm damn busy.
So what's up?

Well, you've probably been
too busy to realize

that you've double
booked one of our guests.

Apparently you've got Roger Daltry

the same week we've got him.

Now, I'm sure this is just
an oversight by your staff,

but I thought I should call

and just let you know
the way we work things.

You see, we always had this sort of
"gentlemen's agreement" with Johnny...

Hey, Morty, haven't you noticed,

I'm no gentleman!

Well, Helen, it's just that
the record company is telling us

you're trying to force Daltry into

cancelling his
appearance with us.

I mean, he's our guest, Helen.

He is? Well, let me help
you out here, Morty.

You have no power with NBC
to back you up on guests.

You really think NBC is
gonna back your show

over mine?

Your guy was the loser, remember?

That's a cheap shot, Helen!

Well, you can expect more
where that came from!

You have no fuckin' clue
what's goin' on at the network.

You're helpless.

You really ought have me
do your next contract for ya.

You're making bupkis next to me.

You know, I thought we were friends.
I really did.

But, you know,
let me tell you something,

I will fight you on Daltry,

and I will fight you on every
guest you try to steal.

Ooh, good luck, Mighty Mouse!

It's Kushnick on one.

Helen!

Kenny, I'll get right to the point.

We see Travis's billboards

all over town. We want to book him.

Gee, that's great, Helen.
I mean, that's really nice.

So when do you want to...

I mean we want him this week
when he's here for the concert.

Gee, I'm sorry.

- He's on Arsenio on Wednesday.
- Yeah, I know.

My bookers told me.
So, cancel it.

I mean, Arsenio's over with.
He's in the toilet.

His advertisers are desertin' him.

By the end of the year there
won't even be an Arsenio.

Well, he's on the air now,
and we're committed there.

I guess you're not hearing me.

Let me spell it out for you--

if you want Travis
on this show ever again,

you better break
that date with Arsenio.

I think you need to
know something about me.

I don't respond well to threats.

Look, maybe I could offer
you something else.

We have a movie of the week
coming up we need to promote

with Kenny Rogers, Travis

and Naomi Judd.

What if I could get them
all on the same show...

Excuse me, this ain't Merv Griffin.

We don't do fuckin' theme shows,

you dumb shit-kickin' hick!

Let me break the news to ya.

Not only is Travis Tritt

not gonna do
"The Tonight Show" ever again,

but you and I are gonna be
in this town for a long time.

We're gonna see each other,

and we're never
gonna to talk again.

It's your fucking loss.

And the record company's.

Ken, the booking office
from Leno just called..

Trisha Yearwood's
appearance has been cancelled.

Trisha Yearwood has been
booked with Leno for months.

How can Helen get away
with this crap?

Well, I'm not going to take it!

Get me Robert Hilburn
at the L.A. Times.

Brace yourself, Warren.

Ken Kragen has gone
public about Helen.

Holy hell is breaking loose.

This is it!

Even Jay can see

she's totally out of control.

Independent verification.

Helen has one option.

She accepts this
redefinition of duties,

or she's off the show.

"Can't book guests"...

I don't do that already.
We have bookers for that.

"Can't cancel guests"...

I've never canceled a guest,

no matter what the fuckin'
L.A. Times says.

"Cannot talk to the media."
Well, that's a relief.

Who needs that?

This is no redefinition
of my duties.

It's what I've been
doin' all along.

And if you sign this,

we'll hold your feet
to the flame on every issue.

You know, when they put
John Sununu out of the White House,

everything fell apart.

You guys just want me to prove
I can be a good little girl, huh?

Would any of this be pulled
with a male executive producer?

Bullshit!

Well, okay, I can be
a good little girl.

Who the fuck are you
to tell me what to do?

Try to control yourself, Helen.

Stop fucking with me, Warren.

I know what you're up to.

You've made a mess of prime time.

You know you can't measure up
to the job Brandon did!

So this is all you can do
to try to save your own ass,

is to come after me.

Hey, Warren, did you
know they're talking to

Don Ohlmeyer for your job?

And Kerry McCluggage?

So go fuck yourself, Warren.

I mean, you've had a lot
of practice at that, right?

Helen!

She'll never make
it as a diplomat.

If you love her,
get her out of here.

- She needs help, Jay.
- We all need help, Warren.

The numbers are still good,
isn't that what's important?

It doesn't matter.

You're approaching disaster.

Helen has pushed too far.

The whole town is
rising up against her.

It's not as easy as you think.

Helen made all this happen for me.

Everything. You know what I
was doin' before I met Helen?

You know what I was doin'? I was
workin' in strip clubs! You know?

I wasn't gonna be on
any television show.

An agent once told me
that I had a face

that would scare small
children. Look at me.

I'm the host of The Tonight Show.

Helen Kushnick got it for me.

And she could lose it for you, too.

Great!

17 years, you know,
is an awful long...

Her son died of AIDS, you know.

The hospital gave him a bad
transfusion. A 3-year-old baby!

That was a terrible tragedy, Jay...

Her husband got colon cancer.

He died a year after that...

She had a mastectomy...

Jerry Kushnick on his deathbed,

on his deathbed, he asked me
to take care of her.

I recognize you have
intense feelings about this.

You have every reason to
feel loyalty to Helen,

but we're past that.

Now, I was a psychology
major in college,

and what John and I
are doing with you now,

we would have to
call an intervention.

What you see as loyalty to
a woman who has suffered deeply,

we see as a form of addiction.

Now, she cannot continue to
produce a television show

in this condition.

Helen is either gonna
take you down,

or you are going
to separate from her.

But she is not going to take me down.

She is fired.

If we have to, we'll
bar her from the lot.

What if I were to walk out with her?

Well, if you can't separate
from Helen, that's a big mistake.

I regret it, but we have choices to make.

And the choice I have to make
is to tell David Letterman

that it's time to take
over The Tonight Show.

I suspect that Peter Lassally
and David could be in Burbank

on 24 hours notice.

You guys would do that to me?

I will absolutely do that.
That's how strongly we feel.

I need a commitment from you Jay.

Will you be at work tomorrow?

Is what you're saying is
that if I don't come to work,

I'm gonna be fired?

I'm not saying that exactly.

But is that what you mean?

You mean that I'm gonna be
fired if I don't show up for work?

Jay, are you looking for
some legal justification

for breaking with Helen?

It's a simple question.
Just tell me.

If I don't come to work tomorrow,

are you gonna fire me?

Yes, I guess we're saying that.

You guys can let yourselves out.

Agoglia handed this to me when I came in.

They're firing me.

I told him you'd never stand for this.

What do you want me
to do about it, Helen?

Issue a statement backing me.

Then we just go on with the show.

Just like that?

Aren't you still fired?
Not if you don't accept it.

They'll never let you go.

All you have to do is
threaten to quit.

They'll cave. They've got no balls.

You know what they told me?

They told me they were gonna
fire me and bring in David.
That's what they told me.

Oh, bullshit!

These guys hate Letterman.

All we gotta do is
stay strong, honey.

No. You know? Everything is
all out of control now.

Hey, hold it. Don't you give
me this shit too. Not you.

Who the hell do you think pulled
you out of those shit-hole clubs?

Who got you on television?
On Letterman?

I remember.

You, who wasn't blonde,
who wasn't from the midwest.

15 years ago? This town?
The Carson people?

They wouldn't let you
play on their field!

So, I had to move the game.

Sorry, assholes,
the game's over here now.

I moved the game!

Who the hell do you
think forced Carson out

so you could get the best
fuckin' job in comedy?

Forced Carson out? Johnny quit!

Sure he quit! Because he
couldn't take the heat anymore.

I got the affiliates on your side.

I got the network to
kiss your Italian ass.

I got page one of the
fucking New York Post

to bury that fossil
Carson. All for you!

What do you mean you got
page one of the Post?

You told me we didn't have
anything to do with that story.

For Chrissake, grow up.

You lied to me?

We've always played the same game.

You never want to know
what I'm doing for you,

so you can be Mr. Nice Guy.

"Booking war, what do I know?

Helen handles that. I do the jokes."

You just want me to
keep servin' you the steaks.

You never wanna know how
I'm slaughtering the cow.

I can't believe you lied to me.

We needed the story. It helped us.

I did it for you!

I called Johnny.

And I told him it
didn't come from us.

Because you told me
that it didn't come from us.

I can't believe you had me
lie to Johnny Carson.

Big fucking deal!
So go to fucking confession!

I got a show to do, Helen.

Goddammit!

What are you doin'?

Jay, honey, let's
get this ironed out.

We can work something out with NBC.

No Helen. They want you out.
So do I.

What about taking care
of me and my kid?

You sat there on Jerry's deathbed.

You said, "I'll take care of
your wife and daughter."

I heard you say that!

I did say that,
and I meant it then.

But, now, Helen, you
almost cost me this job.

You don't need this job.
Listen, I've been on the phone.

I guarantee us a job.
25 million.

We can walk out of here.

Good-bye, Helen.

Don't you leave me,
you two-faced bastard!

What do you want to do?

You wanna break this?
You wanna break this!

It's broken.

Warren Littlefield's office.

Yeah, it's Jay. Is he in?

Sure.

Yeah, Warren?

You gotta help me through this.

Absolutely.

You gotta help me through it.
I'm moving forward with you.

- I'm doin' the show.
- Great.

She's no longer the executive producer.

I'm no longer in business
with Helen Kushnick.

I had a wonderful time! We've got a
great show tomorrow night! Good-bye!

Can you guys come in here please?

Hey, everybody, come on in here.

I just have a few things
I wanna say to everybody.

It'll just take a few
minutes, okay? Come on.

Come on in. Great show tonight.
First, I should say that...

So I wanted to just
take a few minutes to

apologize for all the craziness
that's been goin' on

around here the past few months.

Now, I listened to Helen,
and it was a mistake,

and I shouldn't have done it,

and I'm sorry for it.

So, please stay with me.

I'm gonna try and make it up
to each and every one of you,

and let's just keep doin' the
best shows that we can do, alright?

So to you, I thank you very much.

Thank you so much.

Way to go, Jay!

We're behind you!

What a place!

Oh my God, there's more fruit in here!

Is it scurvy, Mike?
Can you see it? Is it on my skin?

Pete, have a seat, and take
that silly rug off, will ya?

Now, Morty, for God's
sake, straighten your tie.

This isn't a tractor pull!

Alright, here we go!
Let's get this thing started.

Well, these are summaries of all
the offers David has on the table.

They're all in the same range--
12 to 14 million a year,

depending on how well you do.

We also have a couple of those
oversized syndication offers,

like the 50 million
from Viacom...

Listen, syndication gives me the willies.

He wants a network.

Now, ABC passed because we wouldn't
accept midnight after "Nightline".

FOX is...

Well, FOX is FOX. They're about
three quarters of a network, at best.

So, that leaves us with CBS.

Suddenly our options are narrowed.

Listen, the good news is, David,
that CBS has really stepped up.

They're offering you 12.5,

but that, of course, will escalate
as your demographics improve.

Yeah, but, Mike, what did they
say about the clearance issue?

I mean, look, NBC is putting
The Tonight Show on, what,

99% of affiliates...

We're only get about 65%
of the affiliates in year one.

Howard Stringer promises
that they'll get it up to 90%

by the end of year three,
at the very, very latest.

Now, in spite of these limitations, Dave,

I think that Stringer is an
extremely competent executive.

And if you go to CBS,
there is no doubt

you will become their
number one signature star.

And I can't put a price tag on that.

There is one problem that
we now have to deal with.

And that is that NBC
still has the right

to match this offer within 30 days.

So, NBC matches the offer,
and I'm stuck at NBC at 12:30

for the rest of my life!

Not necessarily...

We've come up with something extra.

The CBS deal has a penalty clause.

CBS agrees to give you a show

that airs before
midnight Eastern time,

or they owe you 50 million.

- 50 million!
- Man!

That's no penalty.
That's capital punishment.

It's not even gonna faze CBS

because they're giving
you 11:30 anyway.

But it's going to make NBC choke.

Cool!

It is C.A.A.'s formal recommendation

that you accept the CBS offer,
and so inform NBC.

Congratulations, Dave.

- Taxi!
- Where are you goin'?

I got a date downtown.

Really, another one? Who's left?

David.

You know there's still one
promise Ovitz hasn't kept.

Yeah, well, maybe NBC's
happy with what they got.

If NBC were to offer
you The Tonight Show,

would you still accept it?

Peter, we've had this conversation.
Of course I would.

You know I want that show.

I just wanted to
hear you say it again.

Where are you goin'?

Pete?

David?

Bob Wright is here to see you.

- Here?
- Mm-hmm.

Hello, David!

Heya, Bob, how are ya?

Good to see ya. Thanks for comin'.

Pete, why don't you come on in...

I'm sorry, I have things
to do down the hall.

- Thanks, Peter.
- You bet, Bob.

Hey, Bob. Thanks for comin' on down.

Oh, thank you for having me.

Make yourself at home.

Oh, you like that?

Here, you want one? There you go.

- Thank you.
- You own it.

David...

I really don't want you

to leave your family here at NBC.

I'm here because I want
desperately to prevent that.

I wanna offer anything I can.

Is there anything I can offer
to get you to stay?

Well, those are warm sentiments, Bob.

Thank you.

Well, of course, you know I would stay.

But you've already
filled your 11:30 slot.

I can offer almost anything else.

Prime-time, specials...

I know, Bob... I know.

It's just-- prime-time... and the...

I'm a creature of late night.

You know? I always have been,
I mean, that's who my audience is.

The guys on the west coast say

that you may have trouble
adjusting to 11:30.

Alright, listen.

Those guys are entitled
to their opinion, but,

I'm tellin' you I think
that they're wrong.

I think that I am ready,

and I've given a lot of thought

to what it will take
shift to an 11:30 position.

I know it's a different audience.

And if that means booking
different types of guests,

or country music mixed
in with the rock,

or whatever it takes.

And I can also temper my own act.

I'm a professional.
I know how to do that.

I have no doubt that you can.

And I see that you have
given this a lot of thought.

Well, I have. But, all the same,

I just have to tell ya,
that it's time.

I gotta move up.

And if I don't do it now,

I'm not ever gonna do it.

It's time to move.

John.

Have you heard anything
new from Ovitz?

Nothing new. Nothing old.

- Lots of nothing.
- Nothing. Great.

So, what's Wright saying?

He says he's waitin'
to hear from Ovitz.

He's leaning towards Letterman.

I know. I told Jay,
west coast is behind him,

but I can't speak for New York.

You're worried about Boca?

Once again, Jay and Dave

are in competition
with one another.

Now, New York likes Dave so
much they don't wanna let him go.

Jimmy, I like Dave.
He's my friend.

I love this show.

I'm not asking them to not like Dave!

Why does it have to be either or?

These network guys. You know?
They can't make up their mind.

They think they can just flip a coin.

Dave or Jay, Jay or Dave.
It doesn't matter to them.

Do you think that's
what the meeting's about?

Choosing between you and Dave?

I don't care what
the meeting's about.

I've given them everything
they've asked for.

I've given them the demos.
I've given them the numbers...

If I'm the one goin' down,

I'm goin' down swingin'!

Hey, where's Rick Ludwin?

He left to be in on that
conference call from Boca.

Guess what that's gonna be about?

Hey, everyone, I'm gonna cut the
post-mortem a little short tonight.

I got some things to do, but
it was a great show, really.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

And I'll see you
at the house later.

Alright? Okay, thanks.

Are you reading us okay?
Can you hear us?

Yeah, I hear you all fine.

You settled in?

You ordered the pizza yet?

Thanks for joining us, Rick.

I know it's late, and we're all
tired, but we're here to discuss
and hear out everybody's opinion

on what we should do about Late Night.

I think this should have
been settled long before now.

Jay has the job. He's doing
great. He has a great attitude.

Whoa, wait a minute.

I thought we were
talk this thing out.

Not do self-serving commercials.

If you want the executive
producer job that bad, Rick,

kiss Jay's ass in private, okay?

We all see the job Jay is doing.

His selection of musical acts.

Unoriginal comedy past the monologue.

And his piss-poor interviewing.

Which, by the way,

looks like it will
never get any better.

Let's talk about what we
think it would really cost us

to match CBS's offer for Letterman.

And, on the other hand,

if Leno quits to go to CBS,

are we out from under the
10 million dollars that we'd owe him

if we fired him?

Warren, I've got some
serious concerns here.

I don't think you can just
throw off Jay with a couple of---

Jack, it's very good
of you to come so late.

Please sit.

And keep talking, everybody.

I'm just here to listen.

Sorry it's so warm.
The air conditioning went out.

Warren, why don't you continue?

My fear is that
Letterman won't cooperate.

It isn't in his personality.
He'll stiff us.

Remember, this is the guy
who kicks NBC executives

out of his anniversary parties.

- That's an old story. That is so petty.
- Excuse me. Excuse me for a minute...

There's still a serious
question that his act

can play an hour earlier.

And a lot of us think it won't.

And don't forget.

With Leno, we own the show again.

Letterman wants to own his show.

Then he has all the ancillary profits.

May I say something here?

Jack, please, of course.

I'm not a regular Late Night viewer,

so I wouldn't presume to make a call

about who's the best comedian.

All I want to say is this--

as always I'm for whatever
is the best business deal.

That's for you, Bob, and
your people to determine.

However, if the decision comes
down to a tie on all angles,

well, I'd cast my vote for loyalty.

Goodnight.

Goodnight Jack. Thanks very
much for dropping by. I think
that about wraps it up, folks.

We'll meet again tomorrow.

Hey, Warren, it's Jay.

How ya doin'?

Hey, you know, you're
probably all tired

from sitting through those
boring G.E. meetings all morning.

I betcha I'm catching you
just as you're about to sit down

on the toilet.

That was quite a meeting
you had last night.

I hope that G.E. protects
it's nuclear secrets better

than they protect their
Late Night secrets.

I thought it was too bad
to hear that Dick Ebersol

was no Jay Leno fan.

Although it was good to know that

Jack Welch was is
in favor of loyalty.

You know, as long as it came
down to a "tie on all angles."

Holy shit, Jay!

How the hell did you
get your information?

Well, you know, I may look
stupid, but I'm Italian.

I know how to find information.

Listen, Jay, don't tell
anybody about this.

Warren, you don't have to worry.

Your secrets are safe with me.

I won't break the G.E. code.

Listen, just have a wonderful
time in beautiful sunny Florida!

Betty?

We have a security leak
of enormous proportions.

Paul Schaffer, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, that sucked!

Let's see how bad we can
write tomorrow's.

John, you have some top ten...

Yeah, the top ten reasons
Sinead O'Connor hates the pope.

No, no, no can do.

We got a memo from NBC.

Standards and practices
is rip-shit over her tearing

the pope in half on
Saturday Night Live.

I don't care... write the jokes.

No Sinead O'Connor jokes, Dave.

And now NBC's telling us what
jokes we can and can't do?

Something in that survey
"tasty hot meal" on my desk?

Ah, fuck.

Alright, the top ten jokes
that NBC won't let us do.

Peter liked it.
Peter liked that joke.

Laurie, you like that joke?

Yeah.

Mike Ovitz is on line one.

Alright, fellas, let's go.
I gotta take this call.

Come on, it's adult swim.
Get outta here.

Don't come back until it's funny.

You guys wanna hear this?

Oh, yeah.

Alright, you ready?

Hi ya Mike. How are ya?

Dave, one hour ago Bob Wright
conveyed to us an offer

for you to host The Tonight Show.

Now, don't jump to any conclusions.

Let me lay all this out.

The deal is three years with an option.

The salary range is 7 to 12 million.

Now, here's the wrinkle.

The deal does not commence
until May of 1994.

18 months from now.

What's all that about?

It's rather transparently NBC's attempt

to keep both you and Leno,
at least for a while.

The May date, as I understand it,

coincides with the end
of Leno's contract

as the host of The Tonight Show.

- But I get the show?
- Yes.

- I just don't get it now?
- No.

- I get it a year from May?
- Yes.

And they don't force Jay out?

No, unless he quits,
which I assume that he might.

Maybe that's what
they want him to do.

Jay's gonna quit?

Not a chance. Not a chance.

Jesus, can you believe this?

Dave, let me point
out a few more things.

CBS is offering more salary.

CBS is offering ownership.

CBS is also offering for
the show to start in the fall.

NBC the following
spring... maybe.

What's that? What's maybe?

I mean that the deal is obviously
very smoky in many details.

But I get the show, right?

No, not necessarily, David.

The waiting period gives Jay 18
months to make the show a hit.

And if he does, you can bet NBC will
find a way to weasel out of the deal.

Honestly, Dave, C.A.A. sees no
reason to change its recommendation.

Mike, listen.

You don't understand.

It is every driver's
dream to drive a Ferrari.

And now you're asking me to give that up.

Well, I can probably buy some time.

The NBC deadline is Monday.

I could get Agoglia in here
on Saturday and Sunday

and have him start drawing up papers.

Yes, yes. Get Agoglia in there.

I'm not gonna be the only guy

whose weekend is ruined by this.

Have Agoglia drag his
tired ass to C.A.A.

while I'm up in
Connecticut in hell

trying to figure out what the
fuck I'm going to do with my life!

Dave?

- Dave!
- What?

Hello, David.

Hiya, Pete!

Welcome to my weekend in hell!

- No movement since Friday?
- No.

And Agoglia's not puttin'
anything in writing.

Ovitz says NBC can't take the risk

that it'll leak.

And Jay will figure out that
they offered his job to me.

Can you imagine if the
press heard about this?

Do you think Jay knows?

No. How can he?

But, David, it is worth thinking
about what it will mean to Jay

if you take this.

It means that you will be
denounced in the press

for shoving an old
friend under a train.

Jeez. I mean, that's horrible.

I can't worry about that.

Have you talked to anybody else?

Yeah, I talked to everybody.

I talked to Hal, Morty, Rob, Jude...

And what did they say?

They all said the same thing.
It's a shitty deal.

CBS offered a better one.

I tell ya, Pete.

I'm still thinking of taking it.

- I want that show.
- What show?

- I deserve that show!
- Johnny's show?

Don't you get it, David?

They are not offering you the
"Johnny Carson Tonight Show."

That is gone forever.

They're offering you damaged goods.

They're offering you the Jay Leno show.

And they're not even
offering it now.

They're making you wait.

I lost that show once, Pete.
I'm not gonna do it again.

I can't-- I just can't say no.

Then don't say yes yet.
Make one more phone call.

Why are you doing this to me?

Don't you understand? I don't care.

I cannot lose The Tonight Show twice.

Once to Jay Leno...

And once because I was too dumb
to take a second chance.

They're offering me
a second chance, Pete!

David, you don't understand.

I am the guy that moved
heaven and earth

to get you that second chance.

And I'm tellin' ya, it's not right.

It's leftovers. It's shoddy.

Call the one guy in all the world

who can help you figure this out.

Hello.

Uh, Johnny. It's Dave.

I hate to bother you on
a Sunday like this, but...

I know why you're calling, Dave.

Peter filled me in on the NBC offer.

Listen, I just hate to put you
on the spot like this.

But, you may be the only guy

who really understands
this sort of thing, and I...

What do you think?

I think you gotta do
what's best for your career.

I mean, do what's in your heart.

Johnny, it's just those two things

seem to be in direct conflict.

It's just so tough!

I just have to ask you
straight out, Johnny.

What would you do?

Well, Dave, I would probably walk.

Now, I'm not telling you to do that.

But if you're asking
me what I would do

if I was treated like this. Yeah.

I would probably walk.

Yeah, I imagine you would, Johnny.

Listen, I just really appreciate this.

It's just awfully nice of you.

Thanks.

Good luck, Dave.

Everyone here wants to know
what's going on in Late Night.

And the answer is...

the host of The Tonight Show
will continue to be Jay Leno!

How ya'll doin'?

Don't let these NBC guys
out of your sight!

Oh, hi ya, Warren. How are ya?

Welcome to NBC,

which stands for--
Never Believe Your Contract!

They say that we live in
a time of lowered expectations.

They must be right,
because look at this.

You're all here, and I have the job.

What we're celebrating is
that I haven't been fired!

Okay. Let's go.

It's our turn now.

Hold it.

Gentlemen, we are just going from
one bizarre circumstance to the next.

I never dated Amy Fisher.

I helped her with her homework.
I fixed her car.

And that's it! Thank you, and goodnight.

What about Paul Shaffer?
Is he coming along?

- Paul who?
- Paul Shaffer.

Oh, Paul Shaffer!

Oh, no, God! We forgot about Paul!

Howard, is there just

a little bit left over for Paul Shaffer?

Dave? Dave. Are you
gonna kick Jay Leno's ass?

I'm gonna kick your ass, buddy!

Is your comedy too hip for 11:30?

Well, you people seem
to be keeping up.

Do you realize what
we've got riding on Jay Leno?

A whole lotta money and my ass.

Dave's really good.

I hope we haven't made a mistake.

♪ There's no business
like show business ♪

♪ Like no business
I know ♪

♪ All made up and soon
you'll be appearing ♪

♪ Every bit of nervousness
is gone ♪

♪ And the sound that's
music to your hearing ♪

♪ To hear them cheering
when you come on ♪

♪ There's no people
like show people ♪

♪ They smile
when they are low ♪

♪ How I wish the folks at home
could only see ♪

♪ What's come to Annie,
how proud they'd be ♪

♪ Gettin' paid for doin'
what comes naturally ♪

♪ Lets' go
on with the... ♪

♪ Show! ♪