The Last Film Festival (2016) Movie Script

[birds screeching]

[rustling]

DIRECTOR: Cut God damn it.

Cut.

We gotta do it one more time.

That was a no go for sound.

Did you feel the

angst in that or what?

DIRECTOR: What?

Oh right.

Yeah.

We've got to go one more time.

Damn.

One more.

Scene 10M, take 13

B-marker, A-marker.

DIRECTOR: Faster.

Slower.

We gotta do it again, ZZ.

More intense.

Give me macho.

Give me more macho.

Fierce.

Cut.

Good.

Did you feel I was-- I was

doing this more confused look.

Did you pick up--

how did it read?

You know.

There are 4,000 fucking

film festivals in the world.

3,999 of them have turned

down Barium Enigma.

Just a second, Larry

I'm on the-- I've

got another call coming in.

Yeah Tony, listen.

I'm on another call, so

I've got to get back.

I'll call you right back.

I don't know how they picked

me for the humanitarian award,

Larry.

If I'd wanted one of

those fucking things

I would've bought

it when I was flush.

I'll go to hell in a

hand basket if they're

going to show "Barium Enigma."

I'll play Mother Theresa in

drag if you get my drift.

Now Larry I want

you to be there.

You're gonna be there, right?

Oh listen I've got-- I

got an incoming Larry.

It's the piranha calling.

I gotta take it.

Bye buddy.

Bye.

Nicky.

Tell me.

What exactly is this

"Ohee" festival.

O'hi It's the O'hi

festival sweetheart.

It's an edgy on the

cusp kind of festival

where they discover

the latest edgy films.

You know I'm going to turn the

car around if that talentless

embryo is coming.

Listen.

It's bad enough I

had to act with her

You have been a doll

through this whole thing.

A Saint.

You've got my word.

That's exactly why I worry.

Oh hold on.

I've got an incoming.

Gotta take it.

Don't--

Yeah

Hi honey.

Darling.

I just wanted to make sure

that she wasn't coming.

Because if she's

coming, then I'm not.

Baby.

Sweetie come on.

Would I lie to you, my love?

I told her that

she couldn't come.

She's sulking in New York.

You did not.

Oh yeah.

I told you I'd take care of you.

You know I love you.

Stop, you.

And you know what I'm fucking

going to do to you as soon as I

get you alone don't you?

Oh.

Hey.

Hold that thought, OK?

Just hold that thought.

Just one second.

One sec.

Hi no, no no no no, you

can't go under 52 per share.

Yeah-huh.

Don't put me on hold, Nicky.

I never approved the

photos, and now you

expect me to turn up without

even seeing a rough cut?

Got another incoming call.

I've gotta take it.

I'm not finished.

)Be right back.

Baby, I bought

you a new sex toy.

[moaning] You're so bad.

I've got an incoming--

just hold-- hold on.

(moaning)

Oh, oh, oh.

Um, yeah?

Are you masturbating?

Oh hello- I-- I-- yeah,

no I wa-- I was just,

I have the TV on.

A little DVD.

A little, you know, soft porn.

Considering your

age, I'm sure it is.

OK, let's get going.

Here's your wig, Chloe.

My wig.

Ugh, it's sticky.

[music playing]

(voiceover) I feel so excited.

I'm so happy.

Uh, I'm so-- uh.

I can barely keep

my hand steady.

I just, I feel so excited.

You know that feeling

when you just know you

and your destiny that

they're about to meet.

Today, it's gonna happen.

I feel so alive.

Sorry that's insensitive.

Oh, God I gotta go.

I gotta go.

I'll see you later.

Wish me luck.

Hi, O'hi.

I'm Stephanie Stapleton.

Good morning and thank you

so much for joining us.

As we all know,

shearing sheep has been

a tradition for 9,000 years.

From Abraham to O'hi

where it was perfected.

The stolen ball of

yarn is a symbol

of the death of

the American dream.

We now can announce an

unbelievable tourist attraction

that cannot be stolen from us.

It's the first annual

O'hi film festival.

[music playing]

O'hi my O'hi you

mean the world to me.

O'hi, my O'hi there's no

place I would rather be.

Breaking news bulletin,

folks, breaking news bulletin.

Due to an infestation

of chipmunks,

the O'hi film festival has been

moved to the local high school.

O'hi High School.

Do not go to the town lodge.

You will be up to

your ankles in feces.

Yarn is murder.

Driver, where the fuck are we?

[music playing]

O'hi my O'hi you

mean the world to me.

O'hi, my O'hi there's no

place I would rather be.

there's no place

I would rather be.

No, that's so nice.

Thank you.

OK.

Oh hi.

Hi.

Hello thanks.

Hey we need to talk.

Ah, Beautiful.

Yeah why haven't you

been returning my calls?

Don't bullshit me,

you've been dodging me

since the film mixed.

I directed a masterpiece

and I haven't seen a dime.

You didn't get the

wire transfer yet.

Man I'm gonna

have the director's

guild so far up your ass if

you mess with me on this.

We're all friendlies here.

Yeah, we're all

friends if you pay me.

Pay me my money.

It's in the mail.

Check's in the mail.

Well the excitement is

at a fever pitch here

in downtown O'hi where

throngs have gathered

to watch Hollywood's

best and brightest,

the tinsel of Tinseltown,

come and walk the red carpet.

The reddish carpet.

Stop it.

What is she doing here?

Oh you look so beautiful.

You swore to me that

she wouldn't be here.

Have you seen Larry?

What?

Our agent

Are you listening to me?

No, no, no.

I need to talk to her.

No, no, no we can't

talk about it now.

You're impossible.

We can't talk about it now.

No, no no, no, no.

What an ass hole.

So sorry.

So-- may I interrupt?

I'm so sorry to interrupt.

I'm so sorry.

What?

May I shoot you please?

And, oh my goodness, the mayor.

Oh it is great to see you mayor.

Oh, you too Steph.

It has been rumored that

the festival is actually

a way to distract from

the tragedy of the missing

giant ball of yarn.

No, no.

This is not a distraction.

This has been in the

works for months now.

It is a tragedy-- the

loss of the ball of yarn

is a tragedy-- because

it is in fact the largest

ball of yarn in the country.

And I just want to say that

when I'm elected governor,

I will use all the

resources at my disposal

to solve this heinous crime.

[rooster crows]

You look unbelievable.

Oh, oh, oh thank you.

Beautiful Mag--

mag-- magnifique.

That's French, you're French.

Thank you so much.

I'm not French.

I am Italian.

Oh, fanta-- you look better

on cell phone than film.

Oh, well thank you.

I'm such a fan.

It's OK OK.

OK.

No, I am.

I-- I-- I'm just so

excited to meet you.

You have no idea.

You're like Eliz--

Yes

You're like Rita Hayworth,

or like an Ava Gardner,

or like Lana Turner,

but brunette.

All of these people are dead.

Well, yes, but and you will

too, but when you're there,

you'll be right up

there with them.

Oh my God.

Where is my ex-husband?

Just magnifique.

Unbelievable.

I think I have to go now.

I don't know.

Excuse me, Excuse me.

Of course.

My God, please.

My God they leave me here

standing here like an idiot.

Oh my God.

And here we have the producer,

world renowned Mr. Twain.

Please, Stephanie Stapleton.

Come on over here.

Right over here.

It's great to see you sir.

Welcome to O'hi.

I'm absolutely

thrilled to be here.

To have the public

have an opportunity

to see Barium Enigma.

We have heard that the film

can be a little bit confusing.

Can you comment on that?

No one's seen this film.

That's blog talk.

Blog talk.

And what about the male star.

Our very own Zachary.

Is he going to

grace this carpet?

ZZ will be burning up this

red carpet any minute now.

Oh my God it's him.

But wait, I can be ZZ.

Ass hole.

This is very nice.

But it's not me.

This is Julie Christy.

Scusi.

You're a brunette.

Yeah, you know,

it's my new wig line.

And uh you know, it's so easy to

throw them on, change your look

up, great colors, so natural.

And wonderful for

cancer patients

who want to be stylish as well.

Exactly.

Your dress.

It's gorgeous.

Yes it's actually it's actually

from my new clothing line.

It'll be out this fall right

after my book comes out.

You have written a book.

I have.

It's a book of

inspirational poetry

drawn from my life experiences.

It's great.

It's called Diva

in the Limelight.

It's an in-- it'll

be an inspiration

to all who read it I'm sure.

Do you have a message

for any young women?

Yes.

You know, you can buy

my clothes, my hair now,

and all of my-- my makeup

products are out there too.

So you can look gorgeous,

natural, and sexy.

The line is of course

called Dashing Diva.

I don't care.

You can tell her

whatever you want

as long as you don't

tell her the truth,

if you know what I'm saying.

Where the fuck is Larry?

Hold on one sec--

Larry really wanted

to be here but he's so busy.

And he sent you?

Yeah.

Cynthia OK.

No, no, no don't don't

don't put her through.

Who is that?

It better be the publicist.

The publicist

quit two weeks ago.

What the fuck?

And no one told me?

Who is promoting my film?

I need a website.

I need a blog.

I need test screens with

guaranteed good results.

No, yeah I'm still here.

I need that product tie-ins.

What the God damn have you done?

You've done nothing to

get my movie out there.

I'm-- I'm working on it.

Every-- every minute.

Don't give me that shit.

I'm the one that's dealing with

these loons and the clowns that

are running this show.

I have to listen to that snot

nose of a fucking director.

I'm babysitting

the fucking actors.

And what the hell are you doing?

You're on the fucking phone,

you're on the fucking phone.

OK, OK.

Just wait one minute.

Yes yeah I'm still here.

No, just, just read

the numbers back to me.

I know they're not--

And where is ZZ.

You had one job to

get him here on time.

Get off that fucking phone.

You don't talk to him, you talk

to me you useless little prick.

Hi it's me.

Sorry about that, my phone died.

Going to the O'hi

Film Festival.

Show the clip.

Well, right now I'm

shooting a film.

Yeah, The Second Coming.

No it's not a porno.

It's not a porno.

I have done porn.

No, the light is not good here.

I'm so sorry.

The light Is not good?

You have to fix the light.

Please--

Oh my goodness.

Put the camera away.

OK, well come on Jim

help me or something.

Mr. Twain.

Move the light.

I come in when

you fix the light.

OK, I'm so sorry Claudia.

I'm so-- keep

rolling, keep rolling.

Are you--

Wait a moment.

No, no, wait.

Stop the camera.

Wait, wait.

Please put the camera down.

Wait OK.

And how is that?

Too close, darling.

No put it away.

I'm going to happen if

I am so sorry.

I'm really sorry

we're just, you know.

There's no way to win it.

All right come on.

No, no.

Momentito.

He shoot a little bit.

Come on get in here.

No, no he hasn't

shot anything yet.

He shot it he just shot--

Wasn't long enough.

I have to see how

I move my face.

OK we talk.

We talking.

Madame, it's OK.

Wait a momentito OK.

Thank you so much.

OK you can cut now,

and I have a look.

Ooh, watch out Mr. Twain.

Take a look.

Oh, OK.

Oh goodness

The glasses--

You need the glasses?

I need the reading glasses for

the-- Oh it's not so bad now,

it's OK.

You look ravishing,

you really do.

No, no please please.

Don't give me compliments.

I don't want compliments.

I know what I look like.

OK it's OK.

Yeah.

Fantastic.

OK

All right all right.

We're all happy now.

I can take my glasses off, OK.

Oh look at those

gorgeous baby blues.

Thank you.

I am so excited to

have you both here.

And I just wanted

to know, how do you

feel about being up for the same

award, Best Actress for Barium

Enigma.

It's--

Is that news to you?

No.

It's news, it's an honor

for that to happen.

You know.

No it is I who am

honored, I am honored.

She's, you know, she's just

a living legend, you know.

It's just so great

to work with her.

It is wonderful.

It is wonderful to

see you both together.

And just the love that I feel.

It's tangible for everyone.

Where are you going?

Let's meditate.

All right.

Let's go straight.

Start with three deep breaths.

Ask yourself, what's

on your plate?

Do you think you are

ready for what's next?

I was expecting it.

Centuries of consciousness.

Focus your chakras.

Go deeper deeper.

Hitting dead ends?

Going nowhere?

Feeling stagnant?

Unfulfilled?

Well--

What is the film about?

About this young girl

who's-- who's struggling.

She's torn between whether she

wants to go help save the world

or, or finish her senior

year of high school

so she can get into

a good college.

Centering on the mother

of a Kung Fu biology major.

It's a post

apocalyptic thrill ride

with a strong

environmental message.

My work speaks for itself.

Dearly beloved, we

are gathered here today

in welcoming you all to O'hi.

O'hi

What is he?

An undertaker?

Yes he is.

I'm Harvey Weinstein

I'm your, uh, I'm

your festival president.

Oh my god.

That's not Harvey Weinstein.

Yes, yes he is.

I'm inviting you all to the

first annual film festival.

This is where

movies come to die.

Yes.

Nick Twain.

I recognized you from

In Touch Magazine.

Mayor Marian, I would

recognize your voice anywhere.

You smell good.

How do you like

our little town?

It's definitely

the kind of place

that we would shoot

a small town picture.

When you think ZZ

Reed will get here?

Well, um, you know,

he's shooting a movie.

He should be here any time.

There's not even a bar?

Damn.

What's this?

What is this? [zap]

But he is coming?

Oh, I promised he'd

be here, he'll be here.

I kept my part of the deal.

Make sure you keep yours.

It's all taken care of.

festival.

Our esteemed panel

of judges will

decide who wins the

O'hi spindles, which

are modeled after O'hi's great

spindle of yarn, rest in peace,

and awarded only to the best.

And uh, here come the

viewings, the screenings

of-- of the films.

The wheel here?

Yeah yeah.

No.

Get out of here.

You stupid.

That one is going mad.

Call the god damn cop.

Police.

At this point.

Now sometimes it says

get your water in first

I've always been

taught you first start

with the detergent

at this point,

and then start the water cycle.

Sometimes she forgets.

[dogs barking]

[breaking glass]

[sirens]

[gunshots]

[scream]

[suspenseful music]

[dogs barking]

[tires screech]

[scream]

Is this you?

I would've just texted.

It this your normal fan mail?

I didn't go in [inaudible].

Just as a matter of

interest, why the fuck

are you in the business?

Pussy and Laker passes, baby.

What?

What do you want me to say, huh?

That I love movies and

it's been a passion of mine

since I was a kid.

That I spent my

allowance renting DVDs.

Do you?

Why are you in the business?

Sophia Loren.

Her first American

film I was 16.

Man, she was incredible.

So my friends and I, we just

saw it over and over and over.

And one day, I was hooked.

Angelina Jolie.

Lara Croft, Tomb Raider.

We're in the biz.

[speaking chinese]

[music playing]

HARVEY: So tell me something

about your film, sir.

Go ahead, you're a director.

What's going on with the film?

ALAN SMITHEE: MY film is a

remake of "Gone with the Wind."

I use trained chimps.

HARVEY: OK.

But with the right

lens you couldn't

tell the difference between

Kokomo Junior and Vivian Lee.

They're almost identical.

HARVEY: Oh, by the way,

the television station

WOHI is here.

O'hi.

HARVEY: Yep, thank

you for coming.

And what is your

film about, sir?

How do you even answer that?

What's the ocean about?

What's sand about?

What's sky about?

It's about passion.

All right, man.

It's about-- fucking your heart.

[applause]

Oh, thanks.

My film is about an

African American director

in an African

American wheelchair.

Starring an African American,

produced by an African

American, edited by

an African American,

about African Americans.

[applause]

HARVEY: So for those who

don't know, obviously,

African American is the name

of-- the politically correct

for black.

That black is African American.

Right, yes.

No, it is.

But for those who were like--

like I was brought up on some

you know uncle, like '30s--

What's your point?

What are you trying

to say to me?

MALE: Yeah, just say it.

Because you are in a wheelchair

are you angry like Spike Lee?

Like is this genetic

that you can't walk?

No, it's because I got

shot, mother fucker.

[applause]

I can't walk but

my films have legs.

[applause]

Really well said.

[applause]

Um, hi, I'm a mom.

MALE: Oh, yes.

Thank you.

MALE: That's what

I'm talking about.

HARVEY: You look

like Ava Gardner.

Rita Hayworth, you look

like Rita Hayworth.

OK.

Veronica Lake.

I just don't know any of the

people you're talking about.

She's one of the legends.

I still don't know who

you're talking about.

She was known as Hair.

She ended up as a waitress at

the Figaro Cafe in her 50's

She lost all of her money

after "Sullivan's Travels."

She became a prostitute.

Anyway, I had a question

for each of the directors.

And though I have not

seen any of the films,

I was wondering if

any or all of you

have had a chance

to meet Paula Abdul.

You may know because Paula

is half, she's mulatto.

Right?

I'm not trying to be-- I'm

not trying to be racist.

I grew up in the

'30's-- all right,

I didn't grow up in the '30's

but I watched stuff from

the '30s.

And I just love

the beauty of skin.

And a lot of the

black-- the blacks

in the black and white films.

African Americans

in African American--

They didn't call them African

American and white films.

They called them

black and white films.

Just letting you know.

Can you shut up for

10 seconds or less?

Does anybody else

have a question?

Yes, Sam Feldman,

aspiring actor.

Is it true that

directors get to sleep

with the stars of their films?

I hear this is another

way to get to the top,

according to the little rascals.

Buckwheat was also-- uh,

slept his way to the top.

This is an old-- I'm

not, it's not racist.

I'm just saying--

Do you have a problem with me?

No, I'm sorry.

I didn't--

Do you have an issue?

Do we have a problem?

HARVEY: No, no, please.

You're ride is caught

in the chair, dude.

Hold on.

OK, go back.

FEMALE: Excuse

me, I have to pee.

I just had a really

venti skim chi.

I have to pee.

Do you have the key?

Oh, yes, we have one here.

FEMALE: OK, thank you.

Good luck, everybody.

Sorry.

If you wouldn't

mind signing out.

We have a bathroom sign out.

It's part of the festival.

O'hi.

All, right.

Just this way.

Go ahead.

Uh, and I don't, I don't

have a sharpie on me.

I apologize.

But I was just wondering if

you could sign that for me.

Oh, no.

Not of this photo.

No, this photo's the

bane of my existence.

Beautiful.

I wanted to be the

greatest dramatic actress

of my generation.

BAFTAs and Oscars and-- But you

know my husband, my ex-husband,

he forced me to be the sex idol.

It's not me.

Yeah?

What the hell is happening?

Where are we?

Where's my hotel?

We, uh, this is where you'll be

getting ready for the festival.

I even got you a key.

69, which is the-- no.

It's the year, 1969, that you

got, uh, your first film became

huge.

Give me the key.

OK.

FAN : He's so hot.

Maybe we can meet

him at the festival.

FAN #2: God, hope so.

Can you imagine

seeing him in person?

Really?

[music playing]

O'hi, my O'hi, you

mean the world to me.

O'hi, my O'hi, there's no

place I would rather be.

Too much of cheese.

Too much of meat.

Too much of salty, salty.

Impossible.

Oh, my god, all the

sandwiches looks good.

Don't you have, uh,

anything healthy?

Would you like a hamburger?

Fruit?

Fruita?

Something without the sugar.

No, ma'am.

I'm sorry, we don't.

Give it a rest.

This ain't The Ivy.

I specifically told you

not to bring this girl

to the festival.

And since when do I start

taking orders from you?

You know I have to do

what's best for the film

and she is key to reaching

our target audience.

Since the principal

investor is due by limited,

and I am due by

limited, don't you

think perhaps you

should reconsider

who is key to this film?

Limited I understand.

Excuse, I have to take

this terrible food.

I give into America.

I give in.

I have high cholesterol a little

bit, but now I'm going to die.

I was going to

take a piece of pie

but I guess I'll just

take the whole pie.

You're going to take the whole?

Well, wait a second.

No, don't.

I'm in a fucking

cafeteria in a high school.

No, it's not a

real film festival.

It's the stupid, stupidest

thing I've ever--

Oh, excuse me, miss.

Excuse me, that's

reserved for the talent.

You can sit here.

Oh, OK.

Thanks.

Yeah, hold on, I got one.

5'6", light brown hair.

All right, I'm going

to call you back.

Bye.

Hi.

[music playing]

Oh, wow.

Hot, hot.

FAN #3: Will you marry me?

Look over here.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Sam Feldman.

JUNIOR AGENT: You

know we were actually

in the middle of a

conversation here.

Thank you, Libby.

Um, so I am a working actor.

I took a head shot on

one of security cameras.

This was my employee

of the week photo.

You know what, Sam, I was

in the middle of something.

Hey, you ever though

about being an actress?

Jermaine Johnson.

Your card is black.

African American.

A little bit more

African than American

if you know what I mean.

I play all the vegetables too.

I see.

And it's basically like

I'm left alone at night.

I could see that.

Oh.

I could.

I could see that.

I think you'd be--

OK, great.

I'll just put my

number in your phone.

So I don't know how.

I'm going to, I'm going to

write my number on your phone

because I don't know

how this thing works.

So I'll just write

it on the back.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't write it.

OK.

Chloe, Chloe, sign my picture.

Sure.

To Decker.

You want to hang out?

Here we go, ladies and

gentlemen, Mayor Urgitt.

There you go.

[applause]

Thank you, ladies and

gentlemen. for being here.

Anybody still hungry?

We want to thank Sam

Feldman, who's market donated

all that delicious food.

[applause]

MAYOR: Thank you, Sam.

I know that one or two of

the Hamburger Hill hamburgers

were a little under done.

But I think that, I

think, that they're

probably-- I don't think

there was a problem.

HARVEY: I had one.

MAYOR: We come now to

the most exciting part

of this festival, the

prestigious humanitarian award.

And we're giving it to a

wonderful really deserving man.

And I want him to come

up here, Nick Twain.

[applause]

MAYOR: Come on up here, Nick.

But before we give him the

award we have a little surprise.

Thank you.

SPEAKER (ON TV): Nick Twain,

an All-American success story.

Nick Twain's forefathers

came over on the Mayflower.

His kin were among the first

to travel across the wild west.

Two Twain brothers got separated

crossing the Oregon trail.

And that's how we got

the expression never

the Twain shall meet.

It's in his autobiography.

[applause]

I did.

I wrote about it.

That was, um, that was great.

And I know that there are

a lot of you out there

who have some wonderful

things to say about Nick.

So I'd love for-- we could

start with the stars of "Barium

Enigma," ZZ Reed.

Uh, he's been delayed.

Oh, he's still not here yet.

Um, Chloe Blakely?

HARVEY: Chloe?

Oh, my god.

She must have stepped out.

Claudia?

[applause]

Oh, we were married 15 years.

We have a two dog.

He like very much when

the dog lick his feet

and they share a bone.

He was a big tipper.

That's about everything

that was a big.

[applause]

Thank you, Claudia.

There couldn't be a

more deserving man.

I mean this is a man whose

heart is as big as his--

I have something that

I would like to say.

We have one more.

A fan, obviously.

Can we have a fan up here?

Hi.

Hi, it's good to meet you.

Hi.

Speak right into the mic.

I will--

Don't be nervous.

Go ahead.

Well, I know

everything about you.

Oh, well.

I've read your book

and I don't know

what I can say about you that

you haven't said yourself

except for the fact that,

uh, you came to this town

24 and 1/2 years ago

and met my mother.

And it was such a

great honor for her.

And she threw herself on

you and you slept with her.

And you impregnated her.

And I am the spawn.

And you see, you feel nothing

because I am your daughter.

I have this birth

certificate to show you.

Thank you, young lady.

Thank you.

I'm-- here please.

And I also have your DNA.

And I'm going to be vindicated.

All right well this is--

Not a gun.

No, it's not a gun.

I don't know what

she's talking about.

All right?

I don't have any idea.

I do not know either.

REPORTER: Nicholas Twain

had sexual relations

with a cheerleader

from our very own O'hi.

It makes us feel thrilled

at our close knit connection

to Hollywood.

I also am an illegitimate child.

HARVEY: Well,

congratulations, Nick.

The humanitarian award.

[applause]

Thank you, Harvey.

Thank you very much.

This is a moment that

I will cherish forever.

Thank you.

Nicky, amore.

You slept with an

under aged cheerleader.

And while we were married.

If I had a nickle for every

time somebody accused me

of being their father

I'd be so rich.

You don't have a nickle.

Now, you don't know that.

Yes, I do.

The fresh flowers in your foyer

are so dry they are crumbling.

And your soft towels

in your powder room,

they are going gray.

And you're Mexican maid,

she's not even a Mexican.

You are disturbed.

You even sold your watch.

The beautiful watch

that Cubra gave you.

And you said that you

would never part with it.

I prefer my gold Rolex.

Your gold Rolex

isn't even real.

Oh, if you had a

nickel you wouldn't

have asked me to invest in your

bomb of a movie, my darling.

The reason that you invested

in my bomb of a movie

is because it's the only way

you can get a fucking part.

You're a cocksucker.

Oh, I wish I was

a cocksucker, then

I never would have married you.

Oh!

I'm sorry.

I'm not-- I didn't,

I'm not, I'm not here.

Please go, go about

your business.

I wasn't, uh, you just,

you look fantastic.

OK.

God I'm--

[phone ringing]

Where the hell are you?

I'm at a rinky dink rest stop.

No, Nick, I don't know

what's wrong with it

because I haven't driven myself

anywhere in the last 10 years.

I've been hitching for

the last two miles.

OK?

And no one has

stopped to pick me up.

I mean doesn't

anybody know who I am?

MAYOR (OVER SPEAKERS):

Nick Twain, Nick Twain,

report to the principal's

office immediately.

I gotta go.

I'm being summoned to

the principal's office.

MAYOR: Don't you think it might

have been worth mentioning

that you had been here before?

That you knocked up

some high school kid.

How many careers are you

trying to destroy today?

NICK: It's all a

misunderstanding.

I mean besides. it's not

even that big a deal.

MAYOR: Well it may not

be a big deal to you

but you're not

running for governor.

I have family values to uphold.

NICK: Governor, you say.

Oh, I love a woman in power.

It's very, very sexy.

No luck.

No luck but nice hair.

Psyche it up.

Yeah.

What a day, huh?

[band playing music]

[moaning]

Mama mia.

Oh, god.

[laughter]

My god!

What are you doing in here?

Now, get out.

Why, you don't

have to put that on.

Get out!

I'm sorry.

Go!

Do you mind?

That cream is not good.

That's not good for your skin.

Cheap stuff.

Doesn't cover your wrinkles?

I hope you brought

something to cover

your complete lack of talent.

Coming from the B list actress.

Washed up B movie actress.

Sorry.

I may be a B movie

actress but at least

I didn't have to sleep

with everything in sight

to get the part.

Well, from what Nicky's told

me you wouldn't have gotten

very far that way anyway.

Oh.

So where will you be?

Let's have a look

at you in 20 years.

For one thing, I'll be

about 10 or 15 years younger

than you are now.

You think you're so sexy?

Ow.

[screaming]

Oh, oh, oh.

You want it.

You want it, you got it.

Me.

Bitch!

You take on me,

you have a problem.

HARVEY: Oh, I'm sorry.

So sorry.

That was way too good.

What the-- why are you

always freaking out?

What now?

What?

What is all this dramatic about?

What are you going

to do with that video?

Hopefully, I'll put it

on YouTube or something.

You want to be on

YouTube with this?

Sure.

Why not?

It's free publicity and just in

time for my new clothing line

launch and my new book release.

You're not so stupid after all.

Won't matter anyway once I win.

You were expecting a long hard

spindle with your name on it?

Oh, he, he wouldn't.

Ha!

Obviously you don't know

him as well as I do. oh!

Bastard!

[music playing]

What you want to do, baby?

It's on you.

What you want to do, baby?

It's on you.

What you want to do, baby?

It's on you.

What's going on, man?

Your rap is so tight.

You here, Marianne,

you're quite a girl.

Lipstick.

Oh, here comes trouble.

How dare you lie to me.

Poor stupid girl

believes she's going

to win an award for acting.

Is it fixed or what?

You told them?

Please shut up.

Don't tell me to shut up!

You shut up.

You bastard, you're

nothing but a lying asshole.

We're not married anymore.

I don't have to take

this shit so fuck off.

Would you cut it out with that

phony spaghetti accent shit?

I know where you're from.

(BRITISH ACCENT) Dunk it

up your own nose, darling.

If you know what's good for you.

She's British?

How do you people know?

About her accent?

Everybody does now.

About the fix, you moron!

Everyone's going to

know about the fix

if you don't lower your voices.

I've got to go take a leak.

You dick!

I'm going to have you arrested.

You're a disgrace

to family values.

[music playing]

What you want to do, baby?

It's on you.

What you want to do, baby?

It's on you.

What you want to do, baby?

It's on you.

What's going on, man?

Your rap is so tight.

JERMAINE: Who's your director?

Who's your director?

Say my name.

Greg Johnson.

JERMAINE: Jermaine Johnson.

Come on, say you want

to be in my movie.

I want to be in your movie,

What movie do

you want to be in?

I want to be in

your black movie.

JERMAINE: My African

American movie.

You want to be, you

want to be-- oh!

Oh, it's a miracle.

shit!

They work!

Ah!

They fucking work.

Oh, shit.

What the fuck is

wrong with you?

All right, look.

You're not going

to out me, are you?

My pants are fucking ripped.

Bitch, you ripped my pants.

[music playing]

You are the worst fucking

agent on the planet.

What's wrong now?

Your job is to do everything

you can to protect the film.

And if your job is

babysitting the talent then

that's what you're

supposed fucking be doing.

Babysitting the talent.

OK.

There is more wrong

with this movie

than babysitting can cure.

Oh, now you're a

fucking critic too, huh?

Do you think that I

came all the way to O'hi

dragging Hollywood's most

desperate without having

some kind of assurances?

Give me a break.

Assurances?

What assurances?

I've got the whole

jury in my pocket.

"Barium Enigma" is going

to sweep the spindles.

The first time in the

history of any film festival.

I can get you in "Variety."

Not the front page but--

Look, son, I get it.

You think the film is a bust and

you think I'm yesterday's news.

And meanwhile,

back in Hollywood,

careers are being

made every minute

and you're stuck

out here in O'hi.

Well I get it because I was you.

A gopher for King Vidor.

Who's that?

Is King Vidor some period piece?

Ah, you asshole.

King Vidor was a great

director in his prime.

This was at the

end of his career.

One of his last movies.

"Solomon and Sheeba," it's

starring Tyrone Power.

Ty is like having a dueling

scene with George Sanders.

In the middle of shooting

the picture he keels over,

he has a heart

attack, and he dies.

UA says we're

canceling the picture.

King Vidor, while

he's debating them,

secretly has me fly to

LA, get Yul Brynner,

fly him back, put

him up in a hotel.

He shoots for a day with Gina

Lollobrigida and himself.

Secretly, while on his own dime,

he goes into an editing room

alone.

He edits the things,

sends the scenes back

with long shots of Tyrone Power

intercut with Yul Brynner.

They love it.

They green light us

to finish the picture.

Was it a hit?

No, it was bomb.

So you're telling me

this is your last movie

and it's going to be a bomb.

No, I'm telling you

that the point of this

is that you do

everything you can

in your power to

protect the film.

Hey, let's talk about this.

[sobbing]

Shit, I'll get there

as quick as I can.

What's gong on?

Give me your keys, I

got to borrow your car.

Whoa, nobody drives

my car but me.

Let me tell you something,

this is the first problem

that we've had today

that's worthy of my time.

Remember that young

male lead that you

were supposed to get safely

here to the festival?

Well, he's on his way to jail

for having tried to solicit sex

from an undercover cop.

Now give me the fucking keys.

And on your job

security, your life,

nobody better hear of this.

No email, no texts,

no phone calls.

Make sure of that.

Care to comment on the top

story of my evening broadcasts?

The arrest and outing

of a major movie star.

I represent ZZ.

OK?

Right.

Let me talk to him.

Let me talk to his studio.

Hypothetically, the story

of a hot young actor

being forced out of the

closet could get turned

into a major Hollywood movie.

Hypothetically, you could

be a producer on this movie.

A producer, how are

you to make it happen?

I mean look at you.

You're a little baby.

You're little baby agent.

What do little baby agents do?

They get coffee, they

take phone calls.

Five seconds.

Wait here.

Here I have somebody that

wants to talk to you.

OK. is it your mom?

Hello?

MALE (ON PHONE): How you dong?

Do you know who I am?

Oh, my god, Mr. Nicholson.

MALE (ON PHONE): I

want to know what

we're going to do about this.

Can you handle the truth?

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Right, huh?

I'm in.

That's what I thought.

Oh, my god.

A little baby agent, take the

little baby agent thing back.

Oh, I take it back.

I'm so sorry.

So what do we do now?

Now?

Well, if we were LA we would

celebrate at the Peninsula

over a split of Cristal.

Oh, that sounds

fancy but I think

I have something you'll like

a little better than that.

What are these going to do?

Do you know what

these are going to do?

No, no, no.

Ow!

How does that feel?

Does that feel good?

No, it does not feel good.

No!

Oh, this one's lonely.

Oh, he needs a friend.

No!

Oh, god.

Oh, does that hurt?

Oh, god.

Oh, what about in

your belly button?

I don't want my belly button.

Oh, guess what

else I have for you.

I don't feel safe.

Safety word.

What's the safety word?

Oh, there is no safety

word in this bedroom.

What is this?

That is a shoehorn.

And what is it going to do?

Take yours shoes off.

Hit you!

Tell me my tic is sexy.

Your tic is sexy.

Louder!

You have the sexiest

tic I've ever seen.

You have the sexiest tic

out of any disabled person

I've ever met.

[phone ringing]

Oh, your phone.

Don't touch my phone.

Oh, who's calling?

Don't touch!

That's--

Do you want to answer it?

No, I don't.

Put the phone down.

Maybe I should answer it.

Should I answer it?

No, no, don't.

Don't pick that up.

What if it's George Clooney?

It's not George Clooney.

Hello?

MALE (ON PHONE): Do

you know who I am?

Can you handle the truth.

Hey, Sam Feldman here,

supermarket manager,

aspiring actor.

How's my Jack?

What do you think?

Not too shabby.

Do I get the part?

No, actually you

didn't get the job.

So you know Jack Nicholson, huh?

I do know Jack Nicholson.

I can explain.

Ow!

OK.

There is no more explaining.

I am the boss here.

You're the boss.

I'm going to write the

best story of my career.

OK.

So you can just

lie there and rot.

Can you just untie me?

Fucking psycho bitch.

Ha ha!

Ticking bitch.

No!

Ah, look at what we have here.

No, no, that's nothing.

I collect yarn because I'm a--

Yarn, yes.

I'm a knitter.

Don't bullshit a bullshit

artist, sweetheart.

I was just going to steal it

for a little while because I

thought maybe it would help

my story You know because I

thought everyone loves

the national news--

I don't care about this.

What I care about is that you

forget what you heard today.

But my story.

There is no story

unless you want

me to see to it

that no broadcast

station in the country will

come anywhere near you.

After you get out of prison.

Disgusting.

Can I whip you a little

more before you go?

No.

Please.

No.

[music playing]

VOICE MAIL PLAYBACK: You

have 20 new messages.

MANUEL (ON VOICE

MAIL): Hey Mr. Twain,

it's Manuel at the front gate.

A repo man came and

took away your van.

Said you were late on payment.

BETSY (ON VOICE

MAIL): Yes, this is

Betsy, from California Realty.

Could you please give us a call

back regarding overdue bills?

SALESMAN (ON VOICE MAIL):

You've just won $50,000.

All you have to do

is enter channels 4's

you make the news sweepstakes.

FEMALE (ON VOICE MAIL): Sorry

to bother you, Mr. Twain.

A young lady has called

here seven times crying.

She claims to be your daughter.

NICK: You know it's going to

be dark before we get there.

ZZ: I just don't get it.

They're dropping

all the charges.

We have what you'd call

a gentlemen's agreement.

To that effect, yes.

OK, but how?

The sheriff is a Rolex man.

Oh, shit.

You didn't have to do that.

You owe me big time, man,

because it was a cosmograph.

ZZ: Ow.

You're going to go out, you're

going to attempt this movie,

and you're going to move on.

If you want to come out of

the closet at that moment

it's fine with me.

I'm not gay.

I told you I'm not.

You know I'm not gay.

Hey, listen, I

don't give a shit.

I am a producer.

You know?

If it's good for the

movie, it's true.

It it's not, it's not.

We all have our secrets.

The only good thing

about, getting old,

is when you've discovered you

just don't give a flying fuck.

That's all.

So was the cop good

looking, or what?

Dude, the bathroom is that way.

I couldn't sell this for

five bucks on the street.

I couldn't get this distributed

if I made a print myself

and took it to the Angelica.

And the book tour coming up?

I mean, come on.

You know as well I do

it's going to go far.

For the last film the internal

multiplier was over 3.9.

So it's bound to have legs.

It's going to at least go

for the full duration of two

months.

What?

No, yeah, I'm still here.

I, uh, your kind of breaking up.

Hold on, I'm going to

get better reception.

CHLOE: And if that's it, it

will make money in the back end.

Of course, all of my movies make

a lot of money in the back end.

If not first, when it breaks.

It's breaking wide though.

Well, no but--

No, I mean and the book tour--

It's huge, You got to

see it to believe it.

It's going to be--

No, I mean huge.

Great press

opportunities for me.

And you know what?

It's only going to get

bigger and bigger--

Yeah, well the gross

income of my products--

And stronger.

You know what I mean?

My products are getting

so, so much stronger.

Profits.

Harder and harder until--

People want them.

Until it peaks.

I told you, supply and demand.

And we'll pull it out and it's

just going to explode on DVD.

People are ready for it.

I thinks so, yeah.

Yeah.

But you know when I do

something like this I like

to do it--

No, I'm sick of you telling

me that you're going to do this

and not getting on this.

--again.

You know what I mean?

I don't like to just do it once.

Getting on it.

I'm ready.

Yeah, I want you to start.

I can reach my hand into--

As soon as possible.

wherever I need to to make

something like that happen.

Go for it while it's wide open.

You know what I'm saying?

I know exactly

what you're saying

I kind of want to

take it while it's hot.

[crowd screaming]

Hey, you.

Come here a minute Come here.

Come here.

How old are you?

24.

24, I was here 24 years ago.

You know and I didn't

remember until I

saw your mother's picture

right here in the lobby.

So you admit that

you knew my mother

and that you slept with her.

It doesn't mean that

I am your father.

Now I just did a cop

picture, which I produced,

and I found that saliva is

not the most accurate way

of establishing DNA.

But hair follicles, now,

these are irrefutable.

All right?

So does this mean

that you recognize me?

It means to do whatever

you want with them

and see what they say.

And then we'll

take it from there.

Why don't you be my guest

at the festival, all right?

You good with that?

I'm good with that.

All right, come on.

Let's go.

Let's get in here.

[screaming]

Breaking news, folks.

Breaking news.

What at first appeared to

be an epidemic of avian flu

has now been determined to be

an old fashioned case of food

poisoning.

Sources say that as long

as you do not eat the food

you will not get

the food poisoning.

People have been come

down with food poisoning.

They think it may be the

dressing from the "Something

About Mary" salad.

I feel just fine.

Not you.

The fire chief, the

rabbi-- Hi, how are you?

The city councilman and

the entire judges panel.

We'll just replace

the three judges

and let's get on with it.

It's too late.

Harvey's already announced

the replacements.

Why did you let him do that?

I couldn't stop him, he's

the president of the festival.

Well, where are they?

I'll just toss them a few

hundred like I did the others.

Good luck.

Police chief,

librarian, and Edwin,

who owns O'hi dry cleaning.

Hello.

Who's is also our local pastor.

I'm trying to feel

positive about this.

The good news is nobody

from the industry

will see the screening.

Are you all right, Mr. Jackson?

Hi, how are you.

Uh, I'll be back.

Stop the screening.

You have to stop the

screening right now.

What in the hell are

you trying to do now?

Dave was walking

into the screening,

he put his hand on my shoulder,

and he said you're very brave.

Brave, what does he mean?

What does that mean?

Brave.

I must look terrible.

Well, who knows.

He's just a film editor.

Why don't you ask him?

I can't.

His daughter--

He doesn't have a daughter.

Whoever that fucking anorexic

teenager he comes with,

she started to throw up.

How could you be anorexic

and start to put fatty

dressing on your salad?

Dressing?

Are you nuts?

Are you seriously insane?

We are having a screening

of our movie next door.

And so we're not going to have

a sweep of all the awards.

As a matter of fact,

there may not be anybody

ever see this fucking film.

Good.

Ever.

I must look horrendous.

Is that all you think about,

the way you fucking look?

No.

But that's all any

producer, director,

agent will think when

they see this movie.

When they see me in this movie

the say how does she look?

Not so good.

I best take Jada, Vanessa,

or Julie, or Candace.

They were all busy.

That's how I got stuck with you.

Stuck?

If it wasn't for me you

wouldn't have a movie.

If it wasn't for me you

wouldn't have a career.

You've gotta be kidding.

Somebody, somewhere, tell

me she's fucking kidding.

"Angel Eyes" would not

made a dime without me.

I could've used any

20-year-old with big tits.

But you are using me.

I'm not going to let

you kill my career.

You can't kill a corpse.

Ah!

What is that shit?

I smell like a day old turn.

It's just you, dear.

MAYOR: Do you know he's dead?

HARVEY: I don't.

I don't I don't.

MAYOR: Oh, let's

hope no one sees him.

HARVEY: They are watching

the "Barium Enigma."

MAYOR: Who's

projecting the film.

HARVEY: I don't know.

Not Sid, obviously.

MAYOR: Maybe he's

drunk or asleep.

HARVEY: They breathe when

they sleep, Marianne.

MAYOR: Harvey,

what are you doing?

You can't take pictures.

You're going to incriminate us.

HARVEY: I want to give his

loved ones a lasting memory.

I wrote a film actually that

I think I'm going to direct,

and you would be pretty

good for it I think.

I was going to go younger

but I think that maybe--

How young?

I don't know.

How old are you again?

23.

23, yeah.

I'm just going to

get an 18-year-old.

I mean you look young.

You have a very young

essence, a very young energy.

Love your films, Jermaine.

Hello.

OK.

I sit next to you.

Barium Enigma, any minute now.

Mr. Jackson.

It's Johnson.

Whatever.

We need you to sit right here.

Sit in the chair for a minute.

This is the perfect

chair for you.

But this is where I'm

comfortable, right here.

Yeah, I know.

It's the fire marshal that

doesn't allow any chairs.

The fire marshal doesn't.

Yeah.

No, I know, it's terrible.

She's going to change that law.

I'm going to change

it when I'm governor.

I think they have a little

problem there with this man.

It's not because you're black.

Watch the wheelchair.

Oh.

Are you all right?

You all right?

OK, thank you so much,

I'm moving.

Good.

You don't smell so good, huh?

Do you smell that?

Excuse me.

Is this film ever

going to start?

Interesting cologne.

Thank you so much for coming.

Good to see you.

So good to see you.

No need to thank me.

Thank "Jack Nicholson."

I had him call the studio heads

and tell them to get down here

on their corporate jets

before someone bought up

"Barium Enigma

If I wanted the

studio to see this

I would've sent them a copy.

MALE: Start the film already.

Oh.

MALE: Let's go.

The screen is so small.

Reel five?

Now It's just the two of us.

What the fuck is going on?

It's three.

There's a Tom Junior on the way.

It's the wrong god damned reel.

I'm going to go

fucking kill him.

[music playing]

[explosion]

No, I just like

watch his movies

and kind of, like, you

know, touch myself.

If you know what I mean.

Is this an art film?

Shoot, kill this guy.

Asshole.

Hey!

[banging]

Hey, open up.

You're playing the wrong reel.

You hear me?

Hey.

Oh, come on.

I can hear you in there.

Work with me, man.

Come on.

FEMALE (ON MOVIE):

In Africa, look up

at the mountain whose

peak is cold year around.

Be careful, my darling.

In the snows of Kilimanjaro

you will find the secret

to your survival.

I don't understand this.

No, me neither.

This movie sucks.

How did we get there?

This is no 8 and 1/2.

You hear me?

I'm going to fucking kill you.

This is just stupid.

Is it serious or is it

supposed to be a joke?

This move is pretty

much a piece of crap.

Oh, if it wasn't for your

little stick of dynamite

Somebody should get

them a real script.

The secret to our

survival is in this fog.

Will we ever get

our money back?

[laughter]

Laugh, damn it.

Laugh.

[laughter]

Come on, come on, laugh.

[laughter]

It's getting better.

[laughter]

Wow, she's great.

Better than Kate Winslet.

Hey, you.

Yeah, you little fucker.

Turn this shit off.

I will fucking kill you!

You turn this off.

Get the fuck off my hand.

Ow, mother fucker.

You piece of shit.

turn this shit off.

You get back here.

I will fucking slice off your

scrotum and wear it as a cape.

You get back here right now.

MAYOR: When this gets

out they'll impeach me.

HARVEY: You're always

thinking about you.

MAYOR: This is your

area of expertise.

Why can't you take this

corpse to your field?

Because I'm running

a film festival.

I can't get involved

with this now.

God.

[explosion]

I couldn't get in there.

All right?

We've got to stop the movie

and start from the beginning

and play it again.

You idiot, sit

back and shut up.

This is the best fucking

screening there ever were.

[laughter]

Listen to them.

Keep laughing.

[music playing]

It's all about the plants.

As long as there's sunlight.

We're safe.

[applause]

Anybody, anybody

see my wheelchair?

MAYOR: Harvey, are you insane?

You're doing it again

with a cell phone.

You always overdue everything.

Just like you putting the

clown make-up of my father

when he died.

HARVEY: He looked miserable.

He needed to look happy.

JERMAINE: Anybody

seen my wheelchair?

Hello?

OK, that's good.

OK.

No, that's good.

He's too tall.

It's freezing.

He's too tall.

We'll unfold him.

I don't know what to do.

Fold him?

NICK: And the spindle

for best casting goes to.

That's good.

Oh, wait, the hat, the hat.

Put the hat on.

We'll just put the hat in there.

What to make it look like

he went inside himself?

It doesn't matter.

Just put the hat on.

It's on.

Thank you so much

for not helping me.

Should we say a few words?

Cross his arms?

Harvey, just get his foot.

All right.

[applause]

Is he in there?

Yes, he's in there.

A wonder he hasn't left.

ANNOUNCER: And now a clip

from our first nominated show

for best picture.

Eat my dust, pussy.

Ha ha.

[applause]

She's not showing up.

No, she's habitually late.

Woo hoo.

So everybody, how are you?

Ciao.

[whistling]

Oh, it's old wardrobe, darling.

Thank you.

Hey, everybody,

my mama always said

life is like a

box of chocolates.

You never know what

you're going to get.

And in this case, most of

you got food poisoning.

So I swear, as

God as my witness,

you will never go hungry again.

But please avoid

the shrimp salad.

And the award for best

director goes to--

Stop!

Wait, wait.

Where'd you put the wheelchair?

What did you do with it?

I thought you took it.

Oh, my god, it looks

like he's been drinking.

Oh, Mr. Jackson, we're coming.

It's Jermaine Johnson.

It's fine.

It's fine everybody.

Oh, Mr. Johnson.

It's fine.

Everything is fine.

Just talk amongst yourselves.

It's just a little

wheelchair thing.

[laughter]

ANNOUNCER: Now in the

best director category

the spindle goes to

Jermaine Jackson.

All right!

Director of "Black

Feeling White Wheels."

[applause]

Yay.

All right, here you go.

Congratulations, sir.

Here you go.

All right, I got it.

[throat clearing]

First off, I'd

like-- oh, Jesus.

Oh.

First off, I'd like

to thank all the nurses

at St. John's Hospital.

Not only, not only giving me

the will to live, but the will

to create.

There's a feature in this.

Everybody at this festival has

been generous and kind to me.

Hey, boo.

It gives me a great

pleasure to say

that Jermaine Johnson has

just signed with the largest

agency in the country.

I'm going to Hollywood, baby.

[applause]

Nicky, who do

you think that is?

Who do you think?

NICK: Why don't you ask him.

Halle Barry, Denzel, and you.

For the best

actress it is a tie.

Yes, yes.

Amazing performance by two

extraordinarily talented

actresses.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Vanessa Lynn and Tasmine.

NICK: Who is that?

Who the hell is that?

[applause]

HARVEY: It is a tie.

My god, it's a child.

Beat by a 9-year-old

and a transvestite.

Clap, clap, clap.

You were beaten by a

9-year-old and a transvestite.

Look at both of you, so lovely.

My god.

Clap, darling.

They say that big things

come in small packages,

And that certainly is the

case with Tory's story,

"The Secret Life of

Margaret Thatcher."

That fucking Nicky.

I knew I shouldn't

have come here.

Ms. Thatcher, who I had the

pleasure of almost meeting back

in the '80's.

And after all, who could resist

playing the role of sister

to this darling little girl?

[applause]

ANNOUNCER: And now our

second nominated film

for best picture.

Stop!

Stop him!

Help!

Thief!

Stop.

Somebody help!

Bad Ass,

You saved the day, African

American surfer hero.

No problem, ma'am.

And remember, you don't have

to have legs to fight crime.

Just call me Ass, Bad Ass.

Here take my card.

Thank you.

Your card is black.

It's African American.

Come here, give me a hug.

You deserve it.

Yes, I do.

[applause]

All right, another big moment.

Every moment so big.

For best actor, Mr.

Zachary Zane Reed.

Yes, yes.

Way to go ZZ.

Way to go.

[applause]

Oh, man.

First of all, I'd like to

apologize for arriving late.

We love you!

What happened?

I was unavoidably detained.

Would you care to

comment further on that?

Uh, well--

ZZ is uh, he's too modest.

ZZ had become a local hero.

OK.

By helping the police

in the investigation

of a major theft in the area.

Now, obviously, he can't give

you the details at this time.

But I can assure you

that due to ZZ's efforts

the police now have

a significant lead.

And the identity

of the thief could

be revealed at any moment.

So, ZZ!

[applause]

I don't know what you

just did but good work.

Actually, I was late

for another reason.

Oh, my god.

He's going to says he's gay.

I've been thinking

about this for awhile

and this is something

that I have to do.

So I've decided to quit acting.

No!

He's quiting acting?

HARVEY: But you're beautiful

and you're on such a role.

It's time where I'm allowed

to express who I really am.

I've decided to direct.

Do you have Tourette's?

Thank you.

[applause]

ANNOUNCER: And now our

third nominated film.

Would you like a crumpet?

I'd rather a scotch.

What's wrong, sister dear?

I simply don't know how we're

going to pay all the bills.

I mean there's only

so much one can

do with a degree

in crystallography.

Well there must be

something else out there.

Don't you have any dreams?

Well, actually--

no, it's absurd.

No, please tell me.

Well to be quite

honest, I've always

rather fancied the idea

of becoming grand minister

of Great Britain.

The iron lady.

Ah, but politics is

no place for a lady.

You're more than

a lady and a woman.

It's a regular talent

you have, Dedra.

This is good.

ANNOUNCER: We will have

more of O'hi nominated films

when we return.

I kind of want to

run an idea about you.

Do you want to get a drink?

It's an idea I have about

a movie about your life.

[screaming]

Oh, I

Had to get more comfortable.

I'm tired.

I feel like "No

Country For Old Men."

About all the women.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm so sorry.

So sorry.

I have to see if

you'll just sign this.

Harvey.

Yeah?

I'm going to kill you.

You don't have to do that.

There you go.

Oh, it's so great.

Not yet.

OK.

Thank you, Can

you sign the rest?

No.

OK.

I want to know what

it was like growing up

in like the depths

of hell, basically.

Without a father, without money.

Sharing a bed with your mother.

And you just have like a cow.

My mom married this

really wealthy business guy

after she had me.

OK.

Don't you think the

cow would be better?

The entire room here at the

O'hi film festival banquet

is holding its breath as

we wait for the judges

to tally up the final

vote for who will take

the coveted best film spindle.

I am extremely excited myself.

And I know that we are all

just rapt with anticipation.

[snoring]

Marianne.

The only man chasing me.

She's dead to

people all the day.

These girls can't

hold a candle to you.

What do you want, Nicky?

More money for the film?

I am really hurt

that you think that.

But now that you

brought it up, yes.

In exchange for what?

For double my percentage.

Are you out of

your fucking mind?

And I can feel

him inside of me.

You know, "In Touch," and

"Gawker," and Perez Hilton.

It's like I know

everything that's

going on in his life with, you

know, Claudia and that thing.

Can I just make a suggestion?

Just take it or leave it.

Yeah.

But every time you say I

can feel him inside of me,

about your father, it's creepy.

Wake up, Marianne.

Marianne.

Oh, the future governor here.

They're all drunk.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies

and gentlemen, please

welcome our esteemed mayor.

[applause]

It's very bright up here.

First of all, we are

so thrilled to have

everybody from Hollywood here.

And being from Hollywood,

I know that you all

understand that slander

is a terrible thing.

There were rumors that earlier

today there were sexual sounds,

and that they were coming

from the principal's office,

and that I was somehow involved.

What it was was we were testing

the emergency broadcast system

at O'hi High.

And clearly it

has some problems,

which we are planning to

rectify, fix, very soon.

So, uh--

ANNOUNCER: Our fourth

nominated film.

I don't know if I can

take this much longer.

They're after me and

they're going to get me.

There's nothing

left to do but run.

[screaming]

I'm so scared.

Murder!

Murderer!

Murder!

There's a murderer over there.

Um, so, anyway.

Murderer!

I'm sure that have some of

you have seen the flyers around

and say that yarn is murder.

We know that yarn is not murder.

First of all, the sheep

need to be sheared, sharn.

And they like it.

[phone ringing]

Your phone's ringing.

I see.

Nicky, look, I don't

understand this message.

It's strange.

That's sensational.

Are you kidding me?

Pacino?

Come on.

Oh, kid me.

How would he have

seen the movie?

I sent it to him yesterday.

Incredible.

What?

Yeah.

You know I figured if

this "Enigma" is going

to become the Titanic, the

boat not the movie, that,

uh, no reason that you

should sink with the ship.

No.

You look fucking

good in this movie.

So I sent it to him.

Oh, my god.

Amore.

Are you guys an item again?

No, we're not.

And now.

ANNOUNCER: The final

submission for best picture.

Darling, we must raise up.

[screaming]

Let her go, she's old.

She'll die anyway.

Oh, your mother would

be so proud of you.

If she had survived.

Just look up.

[applause]

Yeah, yeah, Reed.

NICK: Nice.

Not bad, huh?

And I think we have some news.

My god, calm.

That was the

studio on the phone.

That's who you called.

They just don't think they'll

recoup their investment

by releasing it in

the major cities.

So they want open it wide.

What?

Are you kidding me?

Are you serious?

He said it was comic genius.

Told you!

I'm trying to

think of his words.

Uh, comic geniuses.

The guy thinks you're

the next fucking Kubrick.

Ah, this is great.

So I'm going to

call Larry tomorrow

and have them run the

numbers with the studio.

Who's Larry, man?

You're the one that

brought in the studio.

You're the one that I

want to make the call.

Find me somebody

that I can trust.

And the award for

best picture goes to--

[applause]

Oh, thank you.

Um, this is so unexpected.

You know when I started the

first film-- the O'hi film

festival, regretfully

the last film festival.

It just, it just

feels like moments

ago that I was an undertaker

with a little camera phone.

And I just hope this

influences other undertakers

out there that have dreams.

Anyone else, you don't

have to be an undertaker.

Anybody with a dream.

I don't have a

great deal of people

to thank, except for

that guy in the freezer.

[laughter]

A lot of people

ask me what's next?

What are you doing?

I actually have a

three picture deal

and I'm currently

shooting my next film.

[applause]

[MUSIC PLAYING - "I WILL RISE

AGAIN"]

I will rise.

I will rise again.

There was a time, not long

ago, when I was flying high.

Don't you know?

It felt like everything

I touched turned to gold.

Now it seems those

days are gone.

I've got to fight

now to carry on.

But I will rise.

I will rise once again.

I will rise again.

Have a little faith,

say a little prayer.

Go to the mountain,

climb your way up there.

Because better days will

surely soon be right here.

I just know my life's

going to change.

My life of chaos

now be rearranged.

But I will rise.

I will rise.

I will rise once again.

I will rise again.

Well I was lost

but now I'm found.

Picked myself up off the ground.

Yeah, I will rise.

I will rise.

I will rise once again.

I will rise again.

Make a new start.

Change my ways.

I feel them coming

now, those better days.

Maybe now, maybe now, my luck,

my luck, is going to change.

My life is going to change.

I will rise.

I will rise once again.

I will rise again.

[music playing]

O'hi, my O'hi, you

mean the world to me.

O'hi, my O'hi, there's no

place I would rather be.

O'hi, my O'hi, you

mean the world to me.

O'hi, my O'hi, there's no

place I would rather be.

There's no place

I would rather be.

[music playing]

Times they are a changing, baby.

They ain't what they used to be.

Yeah.

Times they are a changing, baby.

They ain't what they used to be.

But I ain't going nowhere, baby.

You ain't seen the last of me.

Well, you know we all

look up to someone, baby.

I look up to you.

You know I do.

Yeah.

We all look up to someone, baby.

And I'll just look up to you.

You know I do.

Well, you know you

are my hero, baby.

And I look up to you.

The Last Film Festival (2016) - full transcript