The King of Staten Island (2020) - full transcript

Scott has been a case of arrested development since his firefighter dad died. He spends his days smoking weed and dreaming of being a tattoo artist until events force him to grapple with his grief and take his first steps forward in life.

♪ I'm just what you made, God ♪

♪ Not many I trust ♪

♪ I'm-a go my own way, God ♪

♪ Take my fate
to wherever you want ♪

♪ I'm out here, on my son ♪

♪ Won't stop
till I get me some ♪

♪ Club hopping,
trying to get me some ♪

♪ Bad bitches
wanna get me sprung ♪

♪ Early in the morning,
I'm waking, baking ♪

♪ Drinking, contemplating ♪

♪ Ain't no such thing as Satan ♪

♪ Evil is what you make it ♪

♪ Thank the Lord
for that burning bush ♪

♪ That big-body Benz
I was born to push ♪

♪ On my way, I'm burning kush ♪

♪ Nigga, don't be
worried 'bout us ♪

♪ Neighbors knocking
on the door ♪

♪ Asking can we
turn it down... ♪


♪ Ain't no music... ♪

- ♪ I ♪
- ♪ I need ♪

♪ Need smoke ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ I need ♪

♪ I... ♪

Sorry. I'm sorry.

♪ To smoke ♪

♪ Who gon' hold me down now? ♪

♪ I wanna get high, y'all ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I wanna get high, y'all ♪

♪ Need it, need it
to get by... ♪

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

♪ Need it to get by, y'all. ♪

Get back!

I love this movie.

They-they shot this
on Staten Island.

- Whew!
- Oh!

- Oh!
- Ooh, God!

- Awesome.
- Hell yeah.


That's my shit.

This movie makes no sense.

Why-why would the government
make a purge legal?

- Clearly to let them blow off some steam. Hello.
- Yeah.

- That's why you go to the spa.
- Yeah. Or the therapist.

- Or get your nails done.
- Or...

Or murder some folks. Hmm?

I mean, come on, guys.
I-I brought Tara over

so that we could
get out of this basement.

Let's go out.
Let's go dancing.

- I love dancing.
- Let's do something.

We don't go out.

We don't dance.

- The Purge is not enough for you?
- No.

Does anybody else like dancing?

- I like it.
- Yes, me!

- You do?
- I love dancing.


He loves...
He's a really good dancer.

What's your favorite move?

It's kind of like a shake.

- A shake? That's...
- I don't know.

I just do whatever
the m-music tells me to do.

There's nothing but douchebags
at these clubs.

- I love it here, man. It's safe.
- Oh, but, come on.

God, you just sit here all day,

- and then smoke weed and jerk each other off.
- Yeah.

That sounds amazing.

I've never been jerked off
by any of my friends.

Me, either.

I like your tattoos.

- I knew you would, right?
- Those are...

- Oh, my God. That...
- No, don't talk to him.

- He has, he has chlamydia.
- I had.

- Oh, my God.
- Had chlamydia.

- It's curable.
- And you introduced me to

the girl that gave me chlamydia,

so you basically
gave me chlamydia.

You assisted the chlamydia.

He doesn't have insurance.

- He can't get the meds.
- It's fine.

I act... I actually did
some of those.

You did?

You know I got to rep
the island.

- Hey. - Staten Island.
- Wow, Staten.

- S.I., you know.
- Yeah.

- Looks so good.
- Thank you.

- You have a bunch of tattoos also.
- Yeah.

- What is that date?
- Oh. - Ooh.

Uh, that's, uh, the date
my Dad died.

Oh, my God, your dad died?
I'm so sorry.

Don't be. It's fine.
It's totally cool.

- So, what happened?
- Ooh!

- Okay, you don't need to ask.
- No.

- No, no, no, no.
- Don't ask that.

It's kind of inappropriate.

Uh, he was a, he was a fireman.

So, he died in a fire.

Oh, my God.

- Yeah, we knew.
- Yeah, we knew.

- We don't like to talk about it.
- We knew.

That's why we don't bring it up.

- Apologize to Scott.
- It's the right thing to do.

- You should say sorry.
- Apologize or get out.

It's not okay.

Scott, um, I just wanted to say
that I'm really sorry

- that I asked about your tattoo.
- Yeah.


He doesn't care. It's fine.

- He doesn't care.
- Look at him.

- He's laughing so much.
- I don't care.

We talk about his dead dad
all the time.

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

Not your dad.

That's my favorite one.

Oh, my God, that's so funny.

We've made so many jokes
about it.

Oh, my God, I don't even...

- I don't even miss him at all.
- So funny.



Oh, yeah, yeah,
that's pretty good.

Keep-keep doing that!
Keep doing that!

Are-are you, are you happy?

Yes, yes, it's fucking great!
Keep going!

No, wait, d-d... don't stop!

Did you, um, did you,
did you come?

Well, yes.

Were you there?

Yeah, I did.

- Like, six times.
- Cool.

- Awesome.
- It was great.

- Did you?
- No, no, no.

But it's okay. I-I had fun.

I had fun back there.


You know, I feel bad
that you never do.

No, I-I do all the time.

I just... you know, I don't put
on a Broadway show like you do.

You know, I'm-I'm more quiet.

I'm more like Charlie Chaplin
when I come.

- Like a silent movie.
- Silent movie.

Um, do you think
it's the antidepressants?

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Yeah. If I didn't have
the antidepressants,

I'd come in, like,
eight seconds.

And then you wouldn't come.

And then you'd be depressed.

And then you would
have to take antidepressants.

- I don't know, can I say something? I, um...
- Yeah.

I just still don't understand
why this is such a big secret.

You know why it's a big secret.
'Cause it's special.

It's-it's, like, our thing,
you know?

It-it wouldn't be special
if everybody knew about it.

Yeah, but I don't
just want to do this.

Yeah, I totally get that.
So, should we stop?

No, I...

I don't know, like, this...
like, what is this?

- And I don't know why...
- This?

- This is...
- I want to do what normal people do.

Yeah, I know.
I just, you know, I...

It-it might be weird, you know.

We've known each other
for, like, ever.

Since fourth grade.

It would be like incest.

No, it wouldn't.

No, it's like, yeah,
w-we're best pals,

and I wouldn't want to, like,
jeopardize our friendship

or something like that
over something...

not silly, but, you know,
it's just... it's a big risk.

But we've already
done the deed.

- I mean, what else is there?
- "Done the deed"?

- I don't know.
- But, you know, it's just,

- you deserve somebody way better than me.
- What?

You're a good guy.

- You're a good guy. I like you.
- Uh...

Well, I... Based on what?

I mean, I like you, too.
It's just like...

All right, can I just tell you...
can I tell you something?

But can you, like,
not tell anybody?

Well, people probably know,
but, like...

There's, like,
something wrong with me.

- Like, mentally, like...
- What?

Like, I'm not okay up there.

You know? Like...

I-I get all mad,
acting, like, crazy,

and I, and I make really insane,
impulsive decisions.

And I get...

I'm d... I'm scared o-of myself,
and I don't...

I don't want to,
like, scare you or me

or, like, hurt anyone, you know?

So, I think
it would just be best

and really responsible of me
if I just backed off, you know?

I don't want you to f-feel
like that about yourself.

Oh, no, it's...

I just, I just don't want
to offend you, you know?

You're... you're the best.
I think you're the greatest.

I know you think I'm great.
I'm awesome.

I feel bad that you don't
think you're great.

Hey, honey.

I made you an omelet.

What are you gonna wear to
your sister's graduation party?

I was thinking, what about
one of your dad's suits?

I don't know.

I-I don't think I'm really
a suit guy, you know?

Plus-plus, all those suits
are out of style, so...

You know, I thought
they were back in style.

And... can you not smoke pot
before the party?


Because it smells.
You smell bad.

And no vaping because
they're gonna think it's pot.

The uncle is a cop.

We don't need
that kind of trouble.

Fuck that guy.

I hate this family.

They're so rich and snooty.

They've been really nice
to Claire.

Hey, Mom. You got me
the plastic containers.

I just need the cardboard boxes
I can throw away.

But they're so good
for storing things.

Yeah, but I don't have
any storage.

My closet's, like, two feet wide.

Hey, Claire, do you even want me
at your graduation party?

Do I want you to go?
I don't care.

Just... It's weird
if you don't go.

That wasn't exactly
a warm invitation.

Yeah, well, it's not the part
I'm looking forward to most.

But I want you to be there.

- She wants you to go.
- No, she doesn't.

- She just said it.
- No, I don't want him to go.

He has to go.

Just don't sit on the couch
in the corner the whole time.

- It's weird.
- No, I don't see the problem

with sitting
in the corner, okay?

There's some people
that go to the party and dance,

and there's some people
that sit in the corner.

I'm the corner guy.

Accept your brother.

Also, don't try
to fuck Layla, okay?

She told you
she's not interested.

What are you talking about?

I never tried
to hook up with her.

She's always trying to fuck me,
and I-I have to avoid it

at all costs,
out of respect for you.

I just thought she looked
really good in those pants.

- Jesus.
- Thought that was a nice thing to say.

- Just don't.
- I didn't know I would get MeToo'd for it.

Dad's suits are vacuum-sealed
in the garage.

- Yeah?
- Just pick yourself a nice one.

You have to look nice.

We're celebrating
your sister's achievements.

You're gonna miss her
when she's gone.

Yeah. Celebrate me.

Wow, this, uh...
this all happened so fast.

I-I can't believe
you're graduating already.

I'm gonna really miss you.

Round two.


Yo, where'd you get this?

This shit does not taste
very good.

What are you talking about?
This shit's fire, dawg.

Do you guys even really
get high anymore?

I-I don't really think
I get high anymore.

I think I just
kind of am myself.

I haven't been high
in a while, man.

But I still do it.

I like the lifestyle.

I'm mad high.

Yo, tell Scotty about

how you're being catfished.

- Who?
- You!

How you're being catfished, bro.

Tell him the truth.

You got a girlfriend?
What's up?

- No.
- Yeah.

- That's awesome.
- Yes.

Her name is Carla.

- We talk on the phone.
- Nah, dude.

Like, this girl, like,
slid into his DMs, and, like,

I don't know, she, like,
asked him out or whatever.

- But hundred percent a trick, dude.
- She...

- She's bad, but that's not yours.
- Why?

And she's, like, so hot, dude.

Yo, she, like,
hangs out on yachts.

- Like, yo.
- Oh, come on.

- No, no, like, no.
- Dude...

Like, it's not real, like...

Bro, they're just
being jealous, bro.

They're just jealous
'cause you're getting that...

Oh, yeah, that's a catfish.

Oh, you getting catfished
like a motherfucker!

- Oh, my God!
- Right, dude?

- Bro...
- What does she...

Straight up, I'm-a send myself
this one, honestly.

Honestly, dude,
she's fucking fake.

She thinks I'm hot.

How? You guys never even
seen each other.

How come you guys
don't FaceTime?

Tell Scotty
why you don't FaceTime.

Her phone camera's broken, but
she sent me all these photos.

- Yeah.
- Bro, these are Google Images.

- Exactly, dude.
- Shit, you don't know that.

Maybe-maybe this girl is,
uh, is into Igor.

Well, you know,
he's-he's, you know, cute.

Yo, like, you don't even
know how to talk to girls.

What do you even
talk to her about?

- Igor.
- Mm-hmm.

Go get that shit, bro.
What are you doing?

Yo, he is the worst assistant.

He's clearly
going through a lot.

How much for, like, six Xanax?


What do we have?
What do we have?

- Who needs six Xanax?
- I got one, two...

I got three right here, I think.

One, two...

Is this a... Yeah.

- How you doing?
- I'm all right.

Yo, you're Jimmy Bags' brother,

Yes, bro.

Tell your brother he's a bitch.

- You understand that?
- Yeah. I do.

- Say it back to me.
- He's a bitch. He's a bitch.

And now, you know what?

I got four,
but you're paying for six.

Nah, come on.
That's my fucking brother, bro.

- Like, what are you...
- Nah. Nah, dude.

I hate your brother.

And now you look like
a little version of him,

and I want to punch you
in the face.

So, instead of doing that,
just give me 60.

I only got 40.

Then go home, do chores,
and come back.

- I don't give a fuck.
- I-I can't.

I stole it from my mom's purse,
but she only had 40.

Well, then, give me your shoes.

No, bro, I can't.

Just give me your shoes
and we'll call it a day.

- Hey, what size are you?
- Like, a nine.

Those'll fit you.

- Igor, you can have those.
- I'll take 'em.

Look at that, Igor got a gift.

- He's not a fucking nine.
- Fuck you!

You don't make fun of my friend!

He-he can't get on
fucking roller coasters,

- he's that small.
- Shut the fuck up! - Whoa!

- We make fun of him!
- How is he gonna wear them?

- You don't make fun of him!
- He's our friend.

He rides roller coasters
all the time.

We make fun of him, not you.

He's, like, a size five,
bro, like...

Yo! Stop!

Get the fuck away
from my window.

You guys are a bunch
of fucking pussies.

Mom, he's saying he's gonna wear
these cargo shorts to the party.

Oh, no.

What? I told you
to wear Dad's suit.

I don't want to wear
Dad's old suit, okay?

- I have my own personal style, and I...
- Get the fuck off me!

- Don't do that!
- I-I don't want to wear a suit, okay?

I think, I think I'm gonna throw up.

I think I have the flu.

Oh, oh, okay. Just-just breathe
through your nose.

One second.

Oh, shut up.
Mom, he looks like

he fucking sells crack
under a bridge.

I know the guy who sells crack
under the bridge, okay?

And he looks awesome.

Just put on the suit,
Scott, please.

No! It's not fair!

She thinks she's, like,
princess of the world...

Okay, well, then just please

be respectful for
two fucking seconds!

...because she graduated
high school.

Everybody graduates high school!

- Shut up!
- Scott!

- ♪ Oh, she's a jolly good fellow ♪
- Oh.

Mom, please...

Just put on the suit.

Be respectful.

I'll be home in an hour.


Thank you.

How are you feeling?

I'm sorry.

I tried to warn you,
but you were on the phone.

Thanks for letting me
use your phone.

My family has problems, too.

I love this house.

If you have money,

why would you ever
live in Staten Island?

- Oh, God. Yeah.
- So good.

We are so proud

of our daughter Joanne...

and Claire, who's been at
our house so much over the years

you feel like
our second daughter.

Thank you, Margie, for lending
her to us all these years.

You guys have worked so hard,
and we are so, so proud of you.

Jesus Christ, dial
it back, you fucking fruits.


you are a very special girl.

You made our dreams
come true, too.

You're my sweet angel.

No, she's not.

It's such an honor
to be your parents.

You've taught us as much as
we've taught you. Claire...

You've been through so much,

and you've done so well,

so much better than any of us
could have handled it.

Your dad Stan would be
so proud of you.

He's looking down at you
right now.

Yes, he is.

No, he's not.

A toast to Joanne and Claire.

So proud.


♪ Please don't ♪

♪ Make me have to take
your bitch ♪

♪ How I roll, if I'm shining ♪

♪ Everybody gonna shine... ♪

- What's up, Todd?
- What's up, Scott?

You going to college,
too, someday?

I'd like to, yeah.
I'd go study law.

Oh, yeah?
That's awesome, man.

That sounds really cool.
Do you have any weed?

- I do.
- Could I have some?

- Definitely. I'll go grab it.
- Cool. Thanks, Todd.

Fucking home run, Todd.

It makes me sad
to think of my little sister

sitting in
that sad little house,

waiting for her son to be perfect.

I'm not.

Then you're wasting all of this.

All of it's getting wasted.

- You're a mess.
- You're wasted.

Mom would be so disappoin... Mom
would be disappointed in you.

You're the one
who's always wasted.

You're wasting. It's like
leaving food on the table.

Come on.

- Let me take you out.
- It's so hard to meet people.

- I'm totally open.
- No, it's... I mean, God...

You're not open at all.

- It's really hard to meet people.
- You're a liar.

You're not open.
"Hard to meet people"?

- I'm in the E.R. All I see is, like...
- You meet...

- You meet a hundred people a night.
- People who were shot...

Yeah, they're shot.

They're-they're, uh,
they're criminals.

- Stop limiting yourself.
- Who am I gonna meet?

Stop limiting yourself.

- But I'm at the hospital.
- Yeah.

- They're not all criminals.
- You meet people at work.

- That's what it's...
- Some of them are victims.


You know, we could put you on
two shifts a week,

- just-just, just to try it.
- I don't need a job.

I, uh, I got a contact
at a tattoo shop.

I'm-I'm hoping for
an apprenticeship, so...

Then you're gonna need
some money.

Yeah, some of these guys
walk away with 80 bucks in tips.

Scott, your cousin's offering
you a job. Consider it, okay?

If you're good at it,
you can become a waiter.

Why are you offering me
a job anyway?

Because I told your father
I'd always look out for you.

He died suddenly in a fire.

Uh, did you ask his ghost?

That's not witty, Scott.

Your dark sense of humor
doesn't work for me.

I find it funny.

It's your sister's big day.
Be a gentleman.

Okay, we lost a few guys
in an ICE raid.

Ah, shit. Sorry.

Maybe you should work
and go to college.

- College is bullshit!
- Oh.

You know who went to Harvard?
The Unabomber.

You know who went to Temple?
Bill Cosby.

You know who else who went
to Temple? Ted Bundy.

You know who went to Hofstra?
Bernie Madoff.

You know who went to Wharton?
Donald Trump.

It's all a scam.

Okay, well, maybe
I shouldn't go, then.

Oh, no, you'll have
the time of your life.

Hey, Scott.

Sit down.


I got you this.

So, what-what is, uh,
what is, what is this?

It's paintbrushes
and some paint.

Well, I know you're into art,
so I thought you could

expand your horizons
while I'm gone.

You got a gift receipt for this?

- You okay?
- Fine... Yeah.

Wh-What do you mean?
Yeah, I'm...

You gonna be okay
without me here?

What, you don't think I can
survive here without you?

Okay, just don't be
a dick, okay?

Like, be nice to Mom, okay?
Don't give her a hard time.

- She deserves a break.
- I always give her a-a break.

What are you... When's...
When am I gonna get my break?


What are you talking about?

All anyone ever does
is worry about you.

I was ignored my entire
childhood 'cause of you.

Oh, yeah, I forgot that
my childhood was so dandy.

Okay, you don't get
to act crazy your whole life

just 'cause Dad died, okay?

At least you got to know him.

Well, you're lucky you didn't
get to know him, okay?

'Cause that's why
you're almost normal.

If you got to know him,
you would've known that he was,

like, the fucking
coolest guy ever,

and that would've
ruined the rest of your life.

Okay, like,
but what are you gonna do?

Are you gonna get a job or
are you gonna leave the house?

I don't know.

I-I'm gonna open
that tattoo restaurant.

No, like, for real.

I am being real.

It's a great...
It's never been done before.

I looked it up.
I googled it.

It's never been done,
not even as a joke.

Because no one wants
to go to a restaurant

and watch people get tattooed
while they eat.

- It's gross.
- It's the best idea ever.

Ruby Tattoosdays,
where everyone's welcome.

- Chicken and tattoos.
- That's not a business!

You know, you got to get
your shit together.

Time is passing by very quickly.

That's why I smoke weed
all the time, okay?

It slows it all down.

Fucking God.

See, I'm worried about you.

Well, why now?
You never gave a shit.

You, like, literally never
cared until this second.

Like, wh-what, what gives?

You never looked out
for me once.

You're my older brother.

You're supposed
to look out for me.

You're-you're just guilty
'cause you're leaving?

Now, all of a sudden,
you're afraid I'm gonna die?

I was gonna die anyway,
whether you stay or not.

- Are you gonna hurt yourself?
- Probably.

Yeah, I'm probably
gonna hurt myself.

I don't know how, but yeah.

If anybody could do it, it's me.

This is why I don't talk to you,
'cause the one thing I know is

you're not gonna listen
to my advice, so...

Yeah, well, why would I?

Like, you don't even
give a shit.

You're-you're leaving.

You're not even
part of the family.

I'm the only fucking
normal person in this family.

Jesus. You know...

Every second I'm away from you,
I'm worrying about you.

That's what you do to people.

You should be worried.

Okay, don't fucking
ruin college for me, okay?



Hey, you should bring that
chipper personality to college.

Guys will love it.


Okay, let's see my to-do list.

Yo, we're finished
packing the car.

You want to come out
and say goodbye or...?

Oh, well, yeah,
this is almost over.

No, like, we're leaving.

- Oh. She's leaving?
- Like, to go to college, you know?

- Oh, oh, my bad.
- Yeah, four years, so...

- Oh, all right.
- Let's go.

Nope, like... Go. Come on.

Uh, don't worry about me, okay?

This is really hard right now.

You don't seem fine.

I'm so proud of you.

I love you.

Uh, okay.

You're the light of my life.



Thanks for helping us
pack the car.

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize
you guys were done already.

Be nice to Mom.

And please respond to my texts.

I will. Don't worry about it.

And, um... I-I'll come
visit you at some point.

Okay. All right.


- I love you.
- I love you, too.


♪ Keep on hoping we'll eat ♪

♪ Cake by the ocean ♪

♪ Talk to me, baby... ♪




I was thinking of finally
seeing that Game of Thrones.

Should I binge it?

Oh, it's a,
it's a pretty violent show.

You sure you could watch that?

I work in an emergency room.

Right, yeah.

So, you could probably handle
a good pillage.


Okay, well, maybe
I'll start watching it.

- Yeah.
- You watch it with me?

Um, well, I actually just kind
of finished it, so I-I don't...

It's really fresh in my mind,
so I-I would probably...

- Okay.
- I can watch some of them.

Uh, I don't think I can watch
all of them again, but...

- Well...
- I'll see you later, then.

All right.

Uh, are you okay?


Oh. Yeah?

Come on.

Uh, it's, it-it's...

It's okay. It's...

I-I'm here. Uh, I'm here.

Don't-don't worry about it.

She's, you know...

Well, she's only, like,
45 minutes away,

and she'll-she'll probably
call in, like, five minutes.

But, hey.

You still got me, right?


Oh, shit.

Hey, hey!

See, you got to
hold it like this.

Let's see. Oh.

- Oh, yeah!
- Oh!

Hey, hey, wait. Hey, hey, guys.

Look, look.

You can't be here, man.

- Y-You got to go.
- Why?

It's private property,
that's why.

It's an abandoned orphanage.
Why can't we be here?

Who gives a shit, man?

What are you doing here?

You fucking protecting
the ghosts of dead orphans?

Look, fat Kanye,
shut your damn mouth.

I'll be back in five minutes
for you assholes.

If you're still here,
I'm calling the cops, period.

You better get the cops, man,
'cause you're a fake cop.

- You need the real ones.
- Motherfuckers.

- Fuck all of y'all.
- I feel bad.

We-we were a little too mean.

- Yeah.
- He's nice.

Yeah, he's a really good guy.

See, that guy... that is what is
wrong with Staten Island.

We don't get any cool people
from any of the other boroughs.

No one comes here.

We're stuck with the
fucking pricks that live here.

You're talking about us.

Right in front of us.

Yeah, kinda.

I mean, no one comes here.

There's no flow of people.
That guy's, like, 200.

We've known him
since we were six.

Why can't we be cool
like Brooklyn?

There's no reason we shouldn't
be cool like Brooklyn.

We got amazing views.
It's close to the city.

It's cheap. Nice people.
It makes no sense.

We're, like, the only place
that New Jersey looks down on.

You could see the garbage dump from space.

This place is
never gonna change.

No, it happened to
the Meatpacking District,

the Village.

Brooklyn used to be
a fucking shithole.

We are next.

I'm gonna take
my civil service test.

I'm gonna work in the city,
in city planning.

You watch, this place is gonna
be like fucking Williamsburg

- in ten years.
- No, all right? No. Nobody wants that.

Why do you want to work in
the city and do city planning?

That sounds so boring.

I feel like Brooklyn is better.

I dated a guy
that lived in Brooklyn.

He was a mixologist.

He made ice cubes out of milk.

- He was so classy.
- Shut up!

I love Staten Island.

It's amazing.

And people are gonna
see it soon, trust me.

Well, if you love it so much,

why don't you let me
tattoo it on you?

No, I'm not gonna let you
tattoo me again.


Well, I need somebody to tattoo.

I'm, I-I'm running out of...

Come on, Rich.
What about you, man?

- Don't even look at me, dude.
- Why?

Your work is mad inconsistent.

Obama ain't right.

I got the eyes wrong, okay?

He's not right.

All right, man,
this has hurt me, all right?

I don't have
any black friends anymore.

I can't go to
a barber shop no more.

You got Obama wrong.
Ain't nothing worse than that.

What about you, Igor?
You want a dragon or something?

Oh, I love your tattoos.

My brother?

It's a spitting image.

- Yeah. It's one of the best.
- It's my favorite.

No, no, no, no.
This is my favorite.

Oh, you killed that.

- Yeah, I really worked hard on the eyes.
- Just...

He's so cute.
I love his butthole.

It reminds me that I have
a belly button.

- So, I'm good.
- Yeah, I got to go.

Watching you beg
to give tattoos is too sad.

And that's freaking me out.

We're almost done.


All right.

- You're all done.
- That looks really good.

Yeah, I mean, I wish

you'd let me do
something cooler, but yeah.

Oh, fuck no.
That hurts so bad.

- Another dumb tattoo.
- Yeah, but I-I like the pain.

The-the pain is the whole point
of getting tattoos.

Don't you just love
when you're getting tattooed,

and it hits the bone
and pinches a nerve,

and you're like...

I'm not a fan of the pain.

You shouldn't let him
do it to you, all right?

He's inconsistent.

I think that tattoo's dumb.

Y'all should've told me
when you saw the design.

It says, "Unfollow me."

You don't even have
that many followers.

Carla follows me.

- Bro, she's imaginary.
- Carla not real.

Carla's not real, dude.

How many times
do we have to say this?

She's not real.

I hate bugs, dawg.

I'm a gangster!

No, that's a bee, bro!

There's a kid down there.

- Yo, kid!
- Oh, yo.

- Yo, kid, what's up?
- Oh, shit, there is a kid.

What are you doing?

You hanging out on the beach?
Come here, come here.

Don't-don't be shy.
No stranger danger here.

I'm not gonna touch you.

- What's up, pal?
- What are you doing?

I'm looking for my friend.

"Looking for my friend."

You want to be friends with us?

We're the good guys, right?

- You can hang out with us, pal.
- Come on.

Let me get some of that.
Put it right there.

- Ho!
- You gang.

Part of the gang.


What's that?

Uh, it's a tattoo gun.

I was giving the homeys tattoos.

I want a tattoo.

- You're a tough guy?
- Really?

- Sure, young guy. You want a tattoo?
- Yeah.

Dude, kid wants a tattoo.
That's my guy right there.

Bro, you-you can't
give him a tattoo.

- He's a little kid.
- Yeah, there we go.

- You want a tattoo?
- Bro, I got to practice on something.

- Yeah.
- He seems old enough.

- You a tough guy?
- Yeah.

You a badass.

Come on,
show those muscles, kid.

- Come on. Both arms, both arms.
- Yeah, there you go.

- Put 'em up.
- You got tickets to the gun show?

- There it is. There it is.
- All right. - There we go.

- What's your name?
- Harold.

I'm-a call you Harry.

Don't. It's Harold.

- Oh.
- Okay.

- Hell yeah.
- I like this kid.

I need him in my life.

He has structure.

Guys, I don't think
that's a good idea.

I mean... we don't listen
to anything you say.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I mean, why do you even try to give us advice?

So, what do you want
a tattoo of?

The Punisher.

- The Punisher?
- Okay.

- That's tough, man.
- All right.

He could've said anything.
He said The Punisher.

Oh, yeah, I could do that.
Is that it?

Yeah, that's him.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

Do I have your legal permission
to do this?

- Yes.
- That's good enough for me.

- How about you guys?
- Holds up in court.

You guys heard it. All right.

Yo, he can't get consent.
He's ten.

Now, hold still, okay?
'Cause it is permanent.

Yo, guys. Stop.
Stop, stop, stop.

- Put your game face on.
- Don't worry, dude.

This will just be on you
for the rest of your life.

There you go.

- Look at you, tough guy.
- There you go.

- I don't want to do it!
- Uh...

- I don't wanna!
- Well, I got to finish it.

- Now there's just a line.
- Calm down, man.

- You're gonna look stupid. Sit back down. Relax.
- Calm down.

- Sit down. Do it.
- Relax.

- Whoa! Hey!
- Hey! - Hey!

- Hey, run! Run, kid!
- Hey!

Run, little man! Run!


Goddamn it.

I fucking believed
in that kid, man.

He seemed so tough at first,
uh, but then immediately wasn't.

That's why I don't fuck
with millennials, dude.

Again, we are the millennials.

He keeps saying that, but
I don't know what that means.

I regret my friendship
with you guys.

Yeah, hello.
My name's Raymond Bishop.

This is my son, Harold.
Say hello, Harold.

I'm sorry.

What's going on?

Well, it seems your son
was down in the woods

giving out free tattoos, and
my son was one of his victims.

Well, I-I don't understand.

How do you know it was my son?
How'd you get this address?

I have my ways.
Believe me, I have my ways.

Are you a cop?

No, I'm a fireman, okay?
I work for a living.

Look at this.
Do you believe this?

You see that there?
See that line?

I don't know if you
burn these off or what,

but we're taking care of this

and you're paying for it,
you understand me?

- I don't know what this is.
- Scott! Oh.

I am... I'm so sorry.


There's an aesthetic laser
at the hospital where I work,

and it can completely remove it.

Uh, I get a discount.

I'm-I'm gonna pay
for the whole thing.

I don't know what I'm saying.
I'm... I feel terrible.

You should feel terrible!

Look at that!

- What's up? Oh, fuck.
- Ah, there he is.

- You get your ass out here!
- Hey, he said he was 18.

He looks like he's four,
you fucking moron! Sorry.

- He consented!
- He's lying.

- Harold, come on!
- Course he's lying!

You can't have consent!
He's nine years old!

Dad, let's go.
You're embarrassing me.

We're not going anywhere, okay?

He's just a little kid!

What the fuck
is wrong with you?!

Uh, he was roaming around
in the woods.

He wanted a tattoo.
W-Where were you?

I was at fucking work!

- Fuck you! - Hey!
- Come out here!

If I was you,
I'd shut your fucking mouth,

because I can
call the cops right now

and have your ass
thrown in jail.

- For what?
- For sticking needles in a kid's arm,

you fucking dope!

Did you even raise him?
Did you even raise him?

You know, there's no reason
to call the cops.

I can handle this and I can
also handle disciplining him.

Well, clearly you can't or you
wouldn't have a middle-aged son

still living at home, tattooing
minors against their will!

I asked him to do it.

- It's not his fault.
- That's right. That's my man.

Go wait in the car.
Harold, go on.

And don't raise your voice at me, either.

Later, Harold.

Don't say goodbye to my kid.
Look both ways.

- Look both ways!
- Go to your room.

- I am!
- Watch your mouth.

For your information,
I am not a middle-aged man.

I'm a 24-year-old man,
and I'm going to my room

'cause I fucking want to.

What kind of fucking animal are
you raising in this house, huh?

I'm bringing you the bill.

I don't care what it costs,
all right?

- I mean, what the fuck is going on around here?
- All right.

Just give me a day
to arrange the laser.

All right.
You know, you know something?

I-Is his father home?
Where's his dad?

I-I don't, I don't want
to fucking yell at you.

He's deceased.


Well, uh...

I'm, uh, sorry for your loss.

I'm sure if he was still around,

he would agree with
the fact that,

you know, you should
still pay for it.

Comically huge mustache.

Is this what he looked like?

That's exactly
what he looked like.

- You're scared of me.
- Yeah.

Yo, he-he...
And that's not funny.

He burst into the door,
started screaming,

and his mustache was
flapping all over the place.

- Flapping.
- He looked the Monopoly Man.

It was terrifying.

"Look both ways!

Look both ways!"

- Fucking maniac.
- But I will say,

probably not a good idea to
tattoo children in the woods.

- Yeah, probably.
- You know, you could get in trouble.

- Yeah, you could.
- Why did you do that?

I don't know.

I thought I would
get away with it.

Plus, I thought he was, like,
at least 15, you know?

- Oh, really?
- I got... Yeah, I got my first tattoo...

- How old was he?
- Nine.

You thought he was 15?

- Yeah, I'm fucking...
- Maybe you've been smoking too much.

I think I'm just stupid.


No, you should see
my mom, though.

- It's so weird since my sister left.
- Yeah.

She's just crying
all the time and, like,

- she's trying to talk to me and hang out with me.
- Mm.

The other day, she asked me
to go to Nordstrom Rack.

I almost slit my throat.

Did you go?

No. I pretended to be asleep.

Oh, come on, she...
Maybe she needs company.

She's lonely
without your sister.

Yeah, she's-she's,
she's gonna be lonely.

I mean, you should've seen her
at my sister's send-off party.

It was, it was really weird.

There was a party?


Why wasn't I invited?

To a high school
graduation party?

Well, who was there?

It was, you know, it was just

family and... shit.

What, you don't want me
to be around your family?

I've known them since I was ten.

Well, yeah, I just...

I didn't think it was something
you would want to go to.

I'm-I'm sorry.

Come on, that's fucked up.

Why? Why is that fucked up?

Because we're, you know,
doing something here.

We're... Are-are we
doing something here?

I don't know,
we're starting a thing.

I mean, we're having sex
and we're hanging out a lot.

- I mean, it's...
- I thought it was just, like,

more, you know,
casual than that.

You know?

Well, you don't want me to go
to any, like, life events?

Life... What's a life event?

What does that,
what does that even mean?

You know what? It's fine.

- What?
- No, it's fine.

Come back.

I'm sor... Wait.


- You know what? You're right.
- What?

What are you talking about?
I'm never right.

No, you're right.
We shouldn't do this anymore.

I don't want
to fucking do this anymore.

What are you talking about?
I don't understand.

It was all a mistake.
It was a mistake.

But it's fine.
We're on the same page.

We'll go back
to what it was before.

I'll treat you like I do
Oscar and Richie.

I-It's not even that.

It's just, like,
I-I don't know what I want yet.

Like, I'm trying
to figure my shit out.

And you should. Please do.
Figure your shit out.

But we're not gonna
have sex anymore, okay?

I got to go.

I should've invited you
to the party!

I didn't know
it was a life event!

Oh. Oh.

I-I already arranged to, uh,
pay directly at the hospital.

But if you want a check,
just give me two minutes, okay?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm-I'm... I-I want to pay.

I'm gonna pay for it.
I'm gonna pay for it.

No, no, no.
I'm gonna pay for it.

And I'm, and I'm also
gonna talk to Scott

because that was totally
out of line, totally nuts.

Yeah, I-I understand that.

But, uh, look, I just wanted
to apologize, okay?

I-I got a little
out of control before, uh...

You know, I just, I let
my anger get the best of me.

Broke my stupid resolution.

God knows it's what
messed up my marriage,

and I-I just really wanted
to apologize, okay?

I mean, I was upset,

but I-I shouldn't have
conveyed it that way.

There's no need to apologize.

My kid's being a fucking
lunatic. It's not cool.

Oh, I... I overreacted.
He's fine.

No, it's the tip of the iceberg.

Ah, you know, lot of kids
do stuff like this.

Mm, kids don't do
stuff like this.

He did the second-worst thing

you could do
to a kid in the woods.

Well, either way, I shouldn't
have behaved the way I behaved.

So, I'm truly sorry.

Apology accepted.
It's nice.

Don't get many of those
around here.

- Thanks.
- Oh, hey, this might seem

a little crazy, but, uh...

can I take you out
for a cup of coffee?

So, Scott did this.

Oh. Is that a cocker spaniel?

No. No, that's my daughter.

- That's Claire.
- Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I can...

- Yeah, I just thought...
- No, it's okay.

- I thought those were ears.
- Um, it's okay.

- That's her hair. Okay, yep.
- I know. I hear that.

Scott got his first tattoo
when he was 16.

- Oh, okay.
- It was of Kermit the Frog.


- That's kind of cute.
- Yeah, yeah.

Kermit smoking a joint, so...

Kermit smoking a joint?

Geez, I don't remember
that episode

on Sesame Street, huh?

That's kind of funny.
He's a funny kid, then, huh?

- Oh, he's so funny.
- Yeah?

- He's so funny.
- You think he's gonna stick it out?

Uh, well, that I don't know.

I mean, I sent him
to art school, but he quit.

- He-he couldn't really focus 'cause...
- Oh.

He also has ADD, so he...

Anyway, he's a tattoo artist
with ADD.

Well, you know what?

All the guys
down at the firehouse,

they all have tattoos
and stuff, you know.

Personally, I never got one,
though, you know.

You know, not that I have
anything against them.

I just, I just always felt
I was too pasty.

- So, the firehouse, huh?
- Yeah.

The old firehouse.

- Mm-hmm, the old firehouse.
- Yeah.

So, you're a ladder or engine?


Knew it.

You got firefighters
in your family?

Yeah, my husband.

- Oh, geez. Sorry.
- Yeah.


Hey, uh, I hope this isn't
too forward, but do you mind

if-if I ask what happened
to your husband?

Oh, it was a hotel fire.

The roof collapsed.

He went in to save somebody.

They told him it wasn't safe,
but, you know, he was like that.

- Wait, Stan Carlin was your husband?
- Mm-hmm.

- Paramount Hotel fire?
- Yeah, yeah.

Did you know him?

- You, you... Or you heard...
- No, no, no, I...

Hung out with him or...?

No, I j...
I just heard about him.

- Oh.
- He was a real brave guy.

- Yeah.
- He was kind of a,

kind of a legend,
to be honest with you.

Yeah. Yeah.

And Scott was only seven
when it happened, so...

- Oh, that's tough.
- A lot of consequences.

- Yeah, that's a tough situation, but...
- Yeah.

But I-I got to tell you,
you did a great job, you know?

See, I mean, I...

I know we had a little bit
of a difference there,

- but, I mean, he's a good kid.
- Uh-huh.

And I got to tell you, if-if
the worst he's doing is-is,

you know, a couple
unlawful tattoos,

- you-you did a hell of a job.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think that's
the worst he's doing, though.


- Yeah.
- Well, I don't know.

You know, uh, that's
how kids are, you know?

Everybody gets it
at a different time.

Anyways, what are you, uh...

I-I'm just sitting here,
doing all the talking here.

What do you, what do you do?

I'm a nurse.

I'm a school nurse.

I'm also an ER nurse.

- You work in the ER?
- Mm-hmm.

Jesus Christ, Margie,
we probably met each other.

Could be.

So, how you doing?


very tired.

Well, you don't look tired.

No, seriously, you look great.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I just don't, like... I mean,
are you flirting with me or...?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Yeah, a lot. This is,
this is what it looks like.

It is really subtle.
I couldn't...

I can't tell what's going on.

This is how it looks.
I'm very subtle.

All right.

- I'm rusty. You're subtle.
- Okay.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Nice to meet you.

I see you out there, man.
You're doing great.

Keep... Just keep doing
what you're doing.

Have a good time, you know?

The more fun you have,
the more fun the customers have.

All right, thanks.

Hey, busboy,
why is table 12 still dirty?

Oh, 'cause they were talking.

I didn't think I should
interrupt them, but...

Interrupt them.
Get them out of here.

- All right.
- Do your job.

- Sorry. Whoa.
- Take it easy there, brother.

- My bad. - Jesus.
- Thank you.

Uh, hi. Uh, are you done
enjoying your meal?

There is food in my mouth,
and I am chewing.

Do you think that I'm finished?

I'm just holding this
for my health?

- Get me some water.
- Sorry.

- Hey, come here. Come here. Can we order?
- Uh, yeah.

- I'll go get your waiter.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no.

We don't have time for that.
We're in a hurry.

I'm starving.

Okay. Can I go?

Usually, the woman
goes first, but go ahead.

- No, no, no, no.
- Oh, yeah?

- How about I'm paying?
- All right.

Can I have a chicken parm
with meat sauce?

No marinara.

Thin. Thin chicken parm.

Why aren't you writing it down?

Yeah, I-I can't actually
because, uh, I'm not a waiter.

I'm just a busboy, so
they don't even give me a pen.

Memorize it. Yeah.

Seafood pasta.
That's what I want.

No clams, okay?
Double up on the shrimp.

That's how I always get it.
We come here all the time.

I'm not gonna remember
a word you guys just said.

It's not rocket science.
Just go.

- Get our shit.
- Oh, I'm... All right.

I'm starving.

♪ Send me the addy,
I'm hunting 'em down ♪

♪ Send me the addy, I'm
hunting 'em down ♪

♪ Grrt, grrt... ♪

There a dance party
or something?

- It's fight night.
- All right, fight night!

Tournament of champions!

Fighting for tips.

Who's going?
Who's going first?

- I, Zoots.
- Zoots.

- Everyone fights for their tips.
- The tips that we earn?

Y-Yeah, but you have
to fight for them now.

Who wants some?! Huh?!

- Huh? - Who got it?!
- It's you, bro.

- No way. No, no way.
- Put the gloves on.

Get in there. Get in there.
Hit him.

- Hey, yo.
- Hey.

I don't want... Please, I don...
I-I don't want to do this.

- Let's just not do this.
- You don't want to do this?

- What do you mean?
- No, well, 'cause we're friends, right?

Yeah, no, for the next
15 seconds,

this friendship is over, son.

- Understand that?
- What?

- Hmm?
- What?

Got to understand,
fighting is serious.

- I don't like it.
- It's sacred.

It's how I tribute
my Lord and Savior.

- What?
- It's the way I tribute

my Lord and Savior, Jesus.

I don't think
Jesus would want you

to kick my ass right now.

He would want me
to have these tips.

- That's what he means.
- You can have the tips.

I don't even want 'em.

- What is this?
- I don't know.

What's this shit?

I've seen Creed a f...
a couple times.

- What'd you do?
- I seen Creed a couple times.

- Oh.
- Are we about to do the Cotton Eye Joe?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Come on, son.
- Okay.

- Yeah. Okay.
- Come on, son. Oh, that's right.

You gonna come this way?
Come this way, boy.

- Okay.
- Come on. Go ahead, take your shot, boy.

- Go ahead, take your shot, boy.
- For real?

- Uh-huh, yeah. Come on!
- Ooh!

Now we are friends,

- goddamn it!
- Oh, geez.

Take that shit. Yeah!

We friends now, nigga, 'cause
that's what friends are for.

Out this bitch.

♪ Zoots done did it again, uh ♪

♪ Said Zoots done
did it again, ah... ♪

I think we have a winner.

- Come here.
- Mm-hmm.


Mm. Let me just...

- Just want to get this sweater off.
- Okay.

And I want to turn off
this light.

Let me turn it off.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Just one-one second.

Let me, let me, let me
turn off this light.

Got a lot of lamps, huh?

It's like a store or something.

Come here.


- ♪ Nice ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪

♪ You what's up, girl,
ain't got to ask it ♪

♪ I dead 'em all now,
I buy the caskets ♪

♪ They should arrest you
or whoever dressed you ♪

♪ Ain't gon' stress you ♪

♪ But I'm-a let you know,
girl, you be killin' 'em ♪

♪ You be killin' 'em ♪

♪ Girl, you be killin' 'em ♪

♪ Uh-uh, oh ♪

♪ Often imitated,
never duplicated ♪

♪ They say she a dime,
I say she underrated ♪

- ♪ Nice ♪
- ♪ I just met her ♪

♪ So the next solution ♪

♪ Dead my old chick, execution ♪

♪ You what's up, girl,
ain't got to ask it ♪

♪ I dead 'em all now,
I buy the caskets ♪

♪ Girl, you be killin' 'em ♪

♪ You be killin' 'em ♪

♪ Girl, you be killin' 'em ♪

♪ You be killin' 'em ♪

♪ Girl, you be killin' 'em... ♪

- Scott?
- Yo.

Come sit down.

I need to talk to you
about something.

What's up?

Someone die?

No, no, nobody's dead.

Thank God.

I'm seeing somebody.

What does that mean?

Uh, uh, I'm seeing a man.

Well, I-I've been dating
someone for a little while now.

You're dating someone?

That-That's awesome.

Like, w-why are you dating him
secretly, you little slut?

W-Why didn't you tell me?

Is he, like,
really, really old or...

or is he really, really young?

Is it one of my friends?
Is it Igor?

No, no, no. I just, I...

I just didn't want to bother you
unless it was really serious.

Bother? You're my mom.

I hope you're getting
banged out real good.

Who's the lucky guy?

Uh, it's, um...

It's Ray.

Who's Ray?

Remember the kid you tattooed?

His father.

- That fucking prick?
- Yeah, I know.

He's a really nice man,
and he's really good to me.

- And he's a fireman.
- He's a fireman?!

That's fucked up.

- Why?
- W-What do you mean, why?

I mean, uh, you haven't dated
anyone in 17 years since Dad,

and the first guy you date
is a fireman?

You don't think
that's a little fucking weird?

I got nothing against firemen.

Neither do I, but
the-the guy doesn't like me,

and he has the same job as Dad,

I'm fucked up as it is, Mom.
Like, I have Crohn's, okay?

There's something wrong
up here. Huh.

I can't find my watch!

What are you trying
to do to me here?!

Haven't I been through enough?!

Wait, what did I,
what did I do wrong?

W-What did I do wrong?
What did I do?

What... I'm sorry.
Like, what did I do?

I'm not,
I'm not doing it to you.

I just... I-I don't want to be
alone the rest of my life.

I don't want you
to be alone, either.

That would suck, but, like,
come on. This is, like...

This is pretty obvious this is
not a good choice, right?

I would like us to have dinner.

I... This is
very, very important to me.

I am in a serious

- You're in a serious rela...
- ...with a very nice man.

With that guy?! Come on!

Y-You don't love him, do you?

You're not say... You're not,
like, saying that, right?

I-I... Well, we don't use
that word yet.

But if he said it to me,
I-I would say it back.

Oh, my God! Jesus!

Do you not learn?!

Look what happened last time!

- You want to do that again?
- Okay. All right?

How about this?

How about we come by
the restaurant

and we have dinner
when you're working

and you just come by
and you just say hi?

Just say hi a couple times.
How about that?

How about that?

How about...
Why don't you ask him?


Why don't you just build

another shrine to Ray
while you're at it?

Right across from Dad's
so they can be fucking pals!

Yeah, I like that better.

But I'm actually
finding you funny

'cause you're really funny.

Look at this guy.

- Having the time of his life.
- Mm-hmm.

Acting like he owns the place.

I know that guy.
Eggplant parmesan.

Oh. I'll be.

Your moms is a bit of a baddie.

She look postcoital.

- What's "postcoital"?
- It's like post-fucking,

but it's your mom,
so I want to be nice.

But, uh,
oh, it's definitely happening.


If you ever come to see me,

if you ever come
see me, that's...

- It'll happen that night, I guarantee it.
- Yeah, I know.

Oh, here he is.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How you doing?
- Good. How are you?

Good to see you again. Yeah.

Uh, I'm-I'm really sorry
for branding your kid.

Oh, no, no, no.
It's-it's fine. It's fine.

Cost 350, but I didn't make
your mom pay for it.

But, uh, hey, no harm, no foul.

You know? 'Cause, uh,
if that didn't happen, I, uh...

wouldn't have met
this lovely lady.

Oh, well, happy to help.

Things work out.


Thank God I did
what I did, then.

Uh, would you guys like
to start with still

or, uh, sparkling water?

- Oh, let's go sparkling.
- Uh, spar... Yeah.

Yeah? You like sparkling?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Yeah. Oh, can we get
some more bread, too?

- Usually go still.
- You know?

Last time I came here,
it came out hot.

- Yeah.
- It was... oh, it was perfect.

It's like my mom made it.


Sparkling and hot bread.

All right. Thanks, buddy.

Oh, you just can't spit
on that like that, man.

You got to be crafty.
You can't just go out at, like...

You got to,
you got to maneuver.

Lick on it or put a boogie
in it or something.

You think I can fit
this whole thing in my ass?

If, uh, you really
put your mind to it, bro.

Hey, I saw him spit
in the bread.

All right, scorching hot bread.

- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah.

Your mom's in the john.
Have a seat.

Oh, don't worry, you're not
gonna get in trouble.

Just for a minute.

All right.

So... how, uh, how you liking
the job here?

Uh, it eats ass.

You know, I remember I...
Back in the day,

I used to work at that, uh,
you know that pizza parlor

- down there on Main Street?
- Mm.

You remember the one? Yeah.
I-I used to work down there.

I loved it.
You know, making the pizzas.

Girls would come in, you know.

It's like they just
had to talk to me.


Well, that's awesome.

I'm glad you got laid a lot
at your pizza place.

All right.
Listen, Scott.

I-I know this is weird, okay?

You and your mom were alone
together for a long time.

You got set in your ways,
you know?

You got used to things.

But I don't know,
I just feel like

your mother deserves
more right now.

And I'm serious, I really think
that I can make her happy,

and she makes me happy.

So, I mean, that-that's
a good thing, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I think
it's a great thing.

I... I want my mom to be happy
more than anything, so...

Good. I do, too.

So, uh, what's your sport?

- Uh, I like basketball.
- Oh, yeah?

- Mm-hmm.
- What position?

Uh, I played small forward.

- Small forward.
- Yeah.

All right. I'm kind of
a baseball guy myself.

- Oh, yeah?
- You like, uh...

I'm an old man.
I like that stuff.

I got season tickets
to the Yankees.

- No way. Really? That's cool.
- Yeah.

I think it's
Staten Island's year.

Oh, Staten Island Yankees.

- Minor League.
- Oh, absolutely.

I'm not gonna go pay to see
those overpaid crybabies.

They try harder
at the Minor League level.

Plus, I'm a Red Sox fan.
I'm never setting foot

- in that stadium.
- Well, I-I should get back

to work, uh,
before I get yelled at.

- Okay. Go ahead.
- So, yeah.

- Absolutely. All right.
- All right, man.

Uh, enjoy the hot bread.

- Hey.
- Okay, cool.


What are you fellas
talking about?

- Hey, Mom.
- Oh, I was just asking Scott

if he wanted to go
to a Yankee game sometime.

Oh, what did Scott say?

S-Scott... Scott said yeah.

All right,
who's fighting tonight?!

I want to fight somebody!

Oh, I'm sorry, Pepe.

Don't take this personally.


What happened?

That was just a jab.

Oh, it's okay, Pepe.

- It's all right.
- You s... You sure?


I-I mean, I never done that
before, so...

I feel bad for you.

♪ Down on the corner ♪

♪ Out in the street ♪

♪ Willy and the Poor Boys... ♪

How you doing? Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

♪ Rooster hits the washboard ♪

♪ And people just got to smile ♪

♪ Blinky thumps the gut bass
and solos for a while ♪

♪ Poor Boy twangs
the rhythm out... ♪

May I please remind you

that there is
no flash photography.

How are you? How are you?
You guys still sober?

- Shitty throw. Shitty throw, though.
- That's how you do it!

All right, there we go.
There we go.

Let's go, baby, let's go.

Look alive!

Think we're gonna take
these pansy Spinners tonight?

Oh, man, we can't
take the Spinners,

- you might as well just shut it down.
- Mm.

We should just pack it in,

send these guys
back to Single-A.

My kid's Little League team
could give these guys

a run for their money.

These guys are all
on the job, too.

The old ballbuster here...

he's the senior man
of the house.

Did you call me a senior?

You're the one who's bald.

Come on, Papa.
I'm just fucking around.

Hey, you want a hot dog?

Oh, no, I can't.
I, uh, I have Crohn's.

What's that?

It's, like, when the lining of
your stomach is all messed up,

so it makes you shit
all the time.

Oh, thanks for sharing.

Next time, just say,
"I don't want a hot dog."

All right, I'm just trying
to spread awareness.

There we go. There we go.

- Nice hit. Nice hit.
- Looking good, guys.

Way to hustle.

Number 26...

Hey, uh...

you ever think about
putting on the jacket?

- No.
- What are you laughing about?

'Cause it's
a stupid question, Ray.

- What do you mean, stupid?
- It's fucking stupid.

Would you ask the kids of that
teacher who blew up in space

if they want to be an astronaut?

Whoa, I don't think that lady
had any kids, though.

Yeah, I'm sure she didn't
'cause she died in space.

It's hard to have kids
when you're dead in space.

Look, I-I could tell you
how I feel about firemen,

but I-I don't think you guys
want to hear my opinion.

- No, no, no, please tell us.
- No, no. No, no, no.

- No. I want to hear it.
- You don't got to do this, man.

- Come on.
- All right, no.

- Yeah. Okay, how about this?
- Come on, you don't...

Uh, if you're a fireman,
just don't have kids

or a family at all, okay?

So that way, you don't
fucking crush them

when you don't come home
that one time, you know?

And-and you're just so selfish.

You just hang out
with your boys all day

like it's a fucking frat house.

Half the time, you're not even
putting out fires.

You're just jerking off,
watching Scarface, okay?

- All right, take it easy, man.
- No, I'm just saying.

And it's wrong to tell a kid
that you're gonna be there

for him for his whole
entire life.

Yeah, but you miss graduation,
your birthdays, okay?

Uh, my d... my prom dances.

That's a very mean thing
to do to children.

And, uh, if you have a family,

- y-you're an asshole.
- No, listen, no.

Take it easy, take it easy.

- Well, that's one way to look at it.
- Yeah.

Tell that to my dad.

Oh, but you can't,
'cause he's dead.

Anybody got a good response to that?




What a game.
What a game.

So, what, I shouldn't have kids?

No, you... you should have kids.

I'm gonna have kids.

You know, maybe
you should take a cue

from your shirt, you know?

Lighten up.

That's actually kind of funny.

Guy's all right.
Why can't you be more like him?

He's all right.

Why can't you not
embarrass me like this?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I embarrassed you
in front of your friends.

And just-just
stick to your guns.

All right? It'll be fine.

Hey. Hey!

Come on in.

Come have breakfast with us.

I made pancakes, and I made
the sausage that you like,

an omelet.

Come, come, come, come sit.

Man, these eggs are spectacular.

With the onions and the peppers.

I love it. I love it.

Did, uh, did he
sp-spend the night?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

He slept here.

In this house.

I'm an adult. I can do that.

I-I need to talk to you
about something.


I was thinking that it's time

to think about
getting your own apartment.


W-Why would you say that?


You are so awesome.

And I think I've been there
for you too much.

'Cause sometimes in life,
the thing that's motivating

is when people don't have
that safety net.

Right, right,
but I need that safety net

'cause I don't have
my shit together.

So, like, uh,
w-why are you doing this?

Is this 'cause of him?


It's just you're
24 years old now.

24. I mean, Phelps had
a fistful of gold medals by 24.

Why are you talking?

I'm just giving you
some perspective, that's all.

You know, Wayne Gretzky had,
like, 96 goals when he was 24.


Roger Staubach
graduated West Point,

won a Heisman Trophy,
fought in the Vietnam War,

and then joined the Cowboys
by the time he was 24.

I don't know who that is,
so, s-so who-who gives a fuck?

I think that maybe
you're-you're ready

and you just don't even know it.

So, you're kicking me out?

No, no.

I just want you to get
your own apartment by summer.

Right, so you're kicking me
out of the house.

That's nine months from now.

I mean, you-you could have
a baby in nine months.

It's a long time.

Are you moving in?
Are you trying to push me out?

What, like, what did I do?
I-I thought we were cool.

Scott, Scott, let's all
be adults here. Come on.

Your mother has worked
very hard for a very long time.

And I'm gonna retire
in a couple years,

so things are gonna change
around here, but in a good way.

I mean, w-we think you...
that you can do great things.

Yeah, I know I'm gonna do
great things.

But, like, I don't need you
to tell me that, like...

This is... What's going on?

This is... I-I...

I don't like this.

So, be that as it may,

until you leave...
which is gonna be good for you

and it's gonna be motivating...

you're gonna have to
pull your weight

a little more around here.

And one thing that we thought
would help you contribute...

would be easy,
wouldn't be hard to do...

is to help Ray bring his kids
back and forth to school

when he can't do it
because of work.

Like now.

Like today.

You're joking, right?

You want me to take
your kid to school?

The kid that I tattooed?

I got two kids.
The other one's seven.

You're gonna make me
babysit your kids?

Do... I'm on... I do drugs.

Well, looks like you're walking.

And thank you.

I'm not cool with
any of this, okay?

And-and where do you
expect me to live?

And w-with what money?

You know I'm a fucking bum,

Yo, this is fucked up!

Especially after last night,
all that bonding boy bullshit.

You're full of shit, man.

You're a fucking liar.

I'm gonna go walk your kids.

No, I'm not fucking
letting you take 'em.

Fuck you.
Who the fuck are you?

Yeah, I-I agree
with you completely.

Why... 'cause that...
It was Ray's idea.

I don't think I should be
taking them, either.

I agree with you.

Are you a weirdo?

Oh, the weirdest.

Nobody's weirder than me.

See, a weirdo wouldn't say that.

A weirdo would deny it.

So, do I have to take 'em or...?


God, no.

I mean,
Ray was supposed to do it.

I can't fucking do it.

Their schools start
half an hour apart

on the other side of town.

So, your mom is banging my ex?

Yeah, I'm not thrilled
about it, either.

Yeah, well, you shouldn't be.

Harold. Kelly.

Come here. Come here.

There's something,
something kind of fun.

Come here. Come here.

Oh, hey, man.

So, this is Harold,
and this is Kelly.

And, uh, this is...


Scott. He's gonna be
taking care of you.

- Okay? It...
- Nice to meet you, Scott.

Hi, Harold.
It's nice to meet you.

For the very first time.

If he does anything weird,

you tell me.

Even if he tells you
not to tell me, you tell me.

I'm pretty sure he's not weird,
but I could be wrong.


- Love you.
- Okay.

- Love you, Mom.
- Seriously.

Love you, Mom. Bye.

Pay attention.

Got it.

Hold both their hands!

Thank you.

Look both ways. Look both ways!

Tell her to stop.


So, w-what do you like
to do, Harold?

I like superheroes.

Well, so does everybody.

No, I make up my own.

Oh, yeah? What kind?

Ice Flash.

What does he do?

He freezes stuff
and shoots ice at people.

Oh, well, that's not gonna work.

Why not?

I could just use a hair dryer
and ruin him.

Keep thinking, though.

What do you got?
What do you like to do?

- I like to sing.
- You do?

Could-could you sing for me?


♪ Oh, what a beautiful morning ♪


♪ Oh, what a beautiful day ♪

All right.

♪ I've got a wonderful feeling ♪

♪ Everything's going my way. ♪

That shit was dope.
High five.

She's a good singer.

I don't agree with
the sentiment of the song,

but it was really great.

Anyway, have a great day
at school.

Uh... I hope it's not shitty,

and, um, yeah, give your,
uh, sister a kiss goodbye.

- We don't do that.
- Just do it.

See? Wasn't that nice?

Now, if she dies tomorrow,
you'll remember that,

that you kissed her goodbye.

Have a good day at school.

- Later, man.
- Pay attention.

- Why would I die?
- I don't know.

You never know
what's gonna happen.

Think you're immortal?

This. It's this one.

Okay. All right.

Well, have a good day, okay?

- Okay.
- I'll see you soon, I guess.

- Can-can I help you?
- Oh, hi.

I'm-I'm Ray's friend.

I was just here
to bring her here.

- You-you know Ray?
- I know Ray a little bit.

He's kind of, like,
banging my mom.

So, yeah, I'm just, you know,

just dropping her off.

Did you sign in at the office?

No. I didn't even know
you had an office.

Okay, um...

Kelly? You okay?


- You sure?
- Yeah.

You know you can tell me.

I'm okay.

Do you know him?

Yeah, kind of.

He's a new friend.


Oh, I trained her in the car.
She's not gonna break.

I'm just kidding.

It's, uh...
I'm not gonna hurt her.

Um, but have a great day.
I just...

No, uh, actually, could you,
uh, set up the paints?

- No.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Uh, and just wash these brushes.
- No.

- Thank you so much.
- No. No.

- Thank you!
- No.

Did-did you happen
to get a chance

- to take a look at the, uh...
- Yeah, I looked at your book.

I mean, I drew like that, too,
when I was 14.

From what I saw, you don't
really have the basics,

so you got to figure that out.

Well, yeah, that's why I'm here.

I mean, I was hoping
I can learn from you.

Right, well, um,
you'd be my apprentice.

Uh, you'll be a slave
to the shop.

- Hey, man. As long as I get to tattoo people, right?
- No.

Never. Until I say.

Uh, you'll be sterilizing
needles, washing my car,

taking the trash out.

I mean, you're basically
our bitch.

So, how much will I be,
like, making here?

- Dick.
- Dick.

Okay, well...

It's a long line of people
who want this job, man.

How do I, like, pay my rent?

That one
right there is not my problem.

It's your first day,
you're already complaining.

It's kind of weird, huh?

Yeah, let's not do this.

You should take a walk.

- Pussy.
- All right.

Well, could I ask you
a question?

If I did work here?

Why is he still here?

Let's say some idiot
walks in, right?

And he wants to get a tattoo
of a Confederate flag

wrapped around the Grim Reaper.

You could tell that guy
to go fuck himself, right?

'Cause that's a ridiculous
tattoo to ask for.

It's not my place
to judge people, man.

I don't do that.

Well, what if another guy
walked in and he wanted to get

a tattoo of his dead friend
James on his chest, right?

But you know James,
and you don't want

to give him the tattoo,
'cause you know James

and he's an asshole
and that the world's

better off without him.

- What do you do then?
- You have a death wish?

No, I don't have a death wish.

But that lady
on the motorcycle does.

She's not even wearing
any underwear.

- She's gonna burn her pussy.
- Do you want to do this?

You really want
to fucking do this?

I don't want to do
anything with you.

I just want to know
who killed James.

Was it the Confederate flag man?

Was it the motorcycle lady?

I got to be honest, Kelsey, you
look exactly like your picture.

You're kind of thicker,
more robust.

Oh, thank you.

- Yeah.
- It's a compliment.

You look a little bit like
Antonio Banderas,

if I squint really hard.

Oh, please squint
all night long.

That's great.

Chelsea, you are... I mean, Kelsey, I'm sorry.

- Th-That's all right. It's only...
- Yeah, you know.

What's your name again?

- I forgot already.
- Um, it's Jake.

Sorry about that.

So, uh, w-what do you do?

Oh, I'm studying
to work in the city.

- Oh.
- Um, I want to make

Staten Island, like,
a great place again.

Staten Island's already cool.
What are you talking about?

Yeah, it is.

- Yeah. Yeah, it is.
- You're the first person here to say that.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It's the best place on Earth.

Well, at least
on the East Coast, I think.

Excuse me.

Oh, hey.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hello.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Uh, would you guys like,
uh, still or sparkling water?

Um, you pick.

Uh, I'm more of a sparkling guy,

- so sparkling.
- Sparkling it is.

But I do like tequila,
so if I could

get just a Patrón, you know,
with a rock.

- That cool with you?
- That's fine. Yeah, that's fine.

- Yeah? Cool. Yeah, I prefer a tequila.
- Cool.

Tequila and rock. You guys
want, like, warm bread or...

uh, olive oil?

Warm bread.


Bro, did you scare off another customer?

What's wrong with you?

I'm so sorry about that.

He has, like, nepotism,
you know?

Is that a disease?

Yeah, it's a bad one.

I brought that guy here
to make you jealous.

You could give a fuck.

T-To make me jea...

- You don't seem jealous or upset at all.
- I do care.

Of course I care.

I chose the hottest guy
on Tinder.

Look at me. Look at me.

Look at my tits.

There is literally
the Eiffel Tower...

it's holding them up in here.

You look great. I'm...

Thank you.

Please don't cry here.

You look awful.

What? What do you mean?
What are you...

Your skin looks see-through and
the circles around your eyes

are so dark you look like
an anorexic panda.

I... Well, I-I know.

- I know I do.
- I don't know.

You always look sick and pale
like you have a disease

but you don't know it yet,
but you literally look like

if I touched you,
you'd just turn to dust.

I'm sorry.
I-I'm not doing very well.

I-I'm not, you know... I...

Well, what do I tell your date?

I don't know.
Tell him to fuck off.

I met him ten minutes ago.
He's a DJ.

Why do you not think
ice is a good superpower?

It's amazing. I mean...

Ice Flash can do anything
with his ice.

And it's indestructible

'cause it's superhero ice.

He can make giant shields
that reflect anything.

He can make giant ice tanks,

giant ice planes and giant jets,

helicopters that shoot
giant missiles.

I mean, think of
all the possibilities.

That's actually kind of cool.

- Thanks.
- You came up with that?


You're getting, like,
really good at this.


What color is his shield?

It's, well, the color of ice.

Well, what's the color of ice?
Is it, like, see-through?

Like, light blue ice
or is it like...?

It's blue ice 'cause it's...

- it's, like, superhero ice, and it's cool.
- Right.

You remember that kid Ronnie?

His uncle owns the pharmacy.

He gave me the key.
We're gonna load up on oxys.

So, we're robbers now.
That's our future.

Nah. Nah, nah, nah, nah.
We're gonna do this one time.

Get the money
to seed our dreams.

Get that venture capital.

Open that tattoo restaurant
you wanted.

It's not that big a deal.
Jay-Z did it.

He sold crack
to fund his rap career.

Aren't most of Jay-Z's friends,
like, dead or in jail?

Yeah, but we're Jay-Z
in this situation.

We're not Jay-Z's friends.

We can't all be Jay-Z.

There can't be four Jay-Zs.
That doesn't make any sense.

You guys know I'd do anything
for you, right?

Thank you.

- Appreciate you.
- Just not this. I'm out.

What are you talking about?

- What?
- This is crazy.

Hey, we need you, all right?
You're the lookout.

Literally anybody
can be the lookout.

- I don't need to be a part of this.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

We need you.
You're our best friend.

- We trust you.
- Wha...

Well, best friends
don't make other best friends

do stupid illegal shit.

You make me do stupid shit
for you all the time.

- Like what?
- Uh, I don't know.

What about the time
when you thought

- you had testicular cancer?
- Here we go.

- Knew this was gonna come up.
- All right?

And then I drive over
and you make me touch your nuts.

I would've done it for you, bro.

You're like, "Hey, yo, there's
something wrong with my ass."

- I'd be like, "Yo, bend over."
- Come on.

After everything
we've done for you?

What do you do for me?

I let you tattoo my whole body.

So what?
You love my tattoos.

You use me
as a human sketchbook.

I-I-I-I don't, really.

I don't.
Not as much as I say I do.

I'm out of here. My bad.

You know what?

You're a real bitch!

- You're a bitch!
- Shh.

Yo, don't shush me.

- Oh.
- My God, look how excited she is.

- I'm assuming that's her.
- I started running too early!

Hey! Oh.

Oh, oh, oh, you're so skinny.

- Have you been eating?
- Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hey.

How are you?

This is Ray.

- Hey. How you doing?
- Oh.

- Nice to finally meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Yeah, I feel like
I already know you.

Your mom talks about you
all the time.

- Oh, God.
- Oh.

No, only good stuff,
only good stuff.

Should we go eat? I am so sick
of eating off a tray.

- You hungry?
- Yeah, I could eat.

- Could always eat.
- Uh-huh.

Beautiful school.

"Yeah, I could eat.
I could always eat."

Fucking asshole.

Look at those two angels, huh?

- Yeah, I know them.
- Yeah.

- Mm-hmm.
- You walk them to school, don't you?

- Yeah, I know who they are.
- Oh, my God.

- She's so cute.
- Look. Look at those curls.

We took them to see
Stomp Off-Broadway.

- They went crazy!
- Oh, my God.

I love Stomp.

What's Stomp? What is that?

It's the greatest musical
of all time.

Yeah, it's, like,
that show where

people play the drums
on, like, garbage cans

and, like, tap with broomsticks.

- Stuff around the house.
- Yeah.

Like, you just see a toaster,

we make an English muffin.

They-they see a whole song. It's incredible.

I know a homeless guy
that plays trash can lids

on the subway, for a dollar.

And then he took a shit
on the platform.

Oh. Well, you know.

I don't know if he's gonna get
a Tony for that, but...

Maybe if they keep practicing
and get an adult diaper,

they can, uh, get
to Broadway someday.


So, are you guys really serious?


Well, actually,

I'm going up to Boston to meet
his parents at Thanksgiving.

- Oh.
- What? You're going to Boston to...

for Thanksgiving? To wha...

Well, where-where am I gonna go?

- Ah, you'll come. You can come.
- Yeah, me, too.

- We can all go.
- Yeah, we'd love to have you up there. - Oh.

You think you're gonna get
married again?

Oh, boy,
look what I got us into.


Well, you know what? I'll...

I'll, uh, I'll answer that,
you know?

A couple of months ago,
I would've said no, but...

Uh, can we go?


Don't be rude.

Me? I'm not being rude.

He's talking the entire time.

Wha... He's the one being rude.

Was just making conversation.

Okay, so what
did you want to say?

- Cut this shit. - Tell us now.
- All I wanted to say

was I think
it's time to go, okay?

I had a great time.
This is wonderful.

I think we all bonded.

It's time to leave now,
all right?

Well, we're going
to a party later,

if you want to come with us.

You just can't embarrass me.

Sure, whatever. Let's just
get the fuck out of here.

He's in a good mood.

Try doing it your entire life.

- We're gonna have a good night.
- Oh, yeah.

No, we're not.
I hate college parties.

You've never been
to a college party.

Come on, just enjoy it.

- Relax. Go with it, okay?
- Yes, relax.

♪ Five, four, three, two,
I let one go, bow ♪

♪ Get the fuck, though,
I don't bluff, bro ♪

♪ Aiming at your head
like a buffalo ♪

♪ What the fuck, though?
Where the love go... ♪

What's your major?

It's, uh, uh,
evolutionary sociology

with-with a splash of bio.

Oh. I-I didn't know
you could do that.

Yeah, you can do whatever the
fuck you want. It's college.

♪ I don't huff, though,
yellow diamonds up close ♪

♪ Catch a sunstroke ♪

♪ At your front door
with a gun stowed ♪

♪ Put the green in the bag
like a lawn mower ♪

♪ Hair trigger pulled back
like a cornrow ♪

♪ What the fuck, bro?
Where the love go? ♪

I like your tattoos.

I'm an actress,
so, like, I don't think

I can get that many tattoos,
because, like,

what if I get cast as, like,
an angelic role?

Like, I'm kind of, like,
a young Winona Ryder.

So, like, I could play those
parts, and, like, also, like,

back when Shakespeare was
writing plays, like...

♪ Five, four, three, two,
I let one go ♪

♪ Bow, get the fuck, though,
I don't bluff, bro ♪

♪ Aiming at your head
like a buffalo ♪

- What do you think?
- What is that?

It's a butthole.

- Get it?
- Oh, my God.

♪ What the fuck, though?
Where the love go? ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

- Uh-huh.
- So, we're talking about how the one percent

keeps, like, getting bigger
and bigger and bigger,

and the wealth inequality
is just out of control,

and we can't continue
with capitalism this way.

Yeah, I'm s...
I'm sick of the rat race.

Yeah, no, exactly.

Like, what happened
to the American dream?

I know. It's like
an American nightmare now.

- Oh, my... Yeah, exa...
- Right?

♪ What the fuck, though?
Where the love go? ♪

♪ Five, four, three, two,
I let one go, bow ♪

- Bring it... Oh, shit!
- Oh! Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

That was fucking fun.

I know. It was so fun.

Yeah, like, I feel like,

I feel like I kind of fit in
for once, you know?

And not everybody hated me
for the first time.

You should come here.

Yeah? You think I can
get into a place like this?

I mean, you'd need a good GPA.

Yeah, well, I don't have
a good one of those.

I-I didn't even
graduate high school.

Don't you have to graduate
high school to go to college?

Yeah, but it's not, like,
too late to do that.

All right, even so, you know,
I-I'm a little too old.

I'd look like a narc, you know?

I would look creepy
in the corner.

Everybody'd be like, "What's that guy doing here?"

Everybody here is so old.

All right, well, I'm fucking
stupid, Claire, okay?

Is that what you want me to say?

I can't pay attention.
I can't sit still, okay?

I'm stupid.
I'm a dumb idiot.

I would have to work ten times
harder than those people.

And everybody would
fucking make fun of me,

and I'm not ready to deal with
that again, all right? So, no.

So, that's it?


That's how long
you're gonna think about

going to college for?

I mean, that was, like,
a 40-second walk.

Uh, that's a lot of
consideration, don't you think?


- It's your journey.
- Indeed.

Now, let's get down
to brass tacks, all right?

W-What are we gonna do
about Ray?

- What do you mean?
- Don't act stupid.

I mean, h-how are we gonna,
you know,

get Mom to break up with him?

I think he seems fine.

- You think he's fine?
- What do you want?

It's Mom's choice to make.
We don't need to get involved.

Yeah, I know, but we should
still protect her.

She can't just be with

the first guy
she's been with since Dad.

She got to, like,
peruse some dick.

Mom doesn't need to peruse dick.

- You know she needs to.
- I think she seems happy.

You want her to have sex
with a ton of people?

No, but, yeah, kind of.

- I mean...
- That's gross.

Well, if you knew something
was bad before it even started,

wouldn't you stop it
if you had the chance?

It's like that whole
baby Hitler thing, you know?

If you had the chance to kill
baby Hitler before it grew up,

wouldn't you do it?

Wouldn't you strangle it
until its eyes popped out?

So, Ray's baby Hitler?

Yeah. In this situation,
he is, yeah.

He's baby Hitler.

So, do you want to help me
kill baby Hitler?

Okay, you're right, Scott.
You're right.

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Claire!


Tell you,
Claire really seems like

she's enjoying school, you know?


She's just blossoming.


Girl just seems like
she could take on the world.

I'll tell you,

whatever you did with her,
you did it right.

Dump some of that on Scott,
you know?

What do you think about
his tattoo restaurant idea?

I think it's terrible.

Getting a tattoo is like, uh...
it's a medical procedure.

You don't want to go
to the hospital

and order supper, you know?

I just love that he has big
dreams, but he's just so lost.

I mean, no matter how much I try

to fill him with good energy,
he just...

he's got no self-esteem.

He's really going nowhere.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Scientists have been
doing studies.

They say a lot
of this stuff is genetic.

You know, you inherit it
from your grandparents.

So blame them.

♪ When ♪

♪ When ♪

Let's go.

♪ When... ♪

Right. If anybody sees us

or you hear sirens or anything
bad, you text me, "You up?"

Could I just text you
something else?

That sounds like I'm trying
to bang you, kind of.

- Just do it.
- Fine.

- Fine.
- Let's go.

- Let's roll.
- Hold on.

All right, let's go.

Good luck, homey.

Love you, Scott.

Oh, shit.

This is real.

♪ When ♪

Yes! All right.

You're dead.

What's going on?!

What the fuck?

- Who are you?!
- You're not supposed to be here.

What are you talking about?!
It's my store!

Who are you talking to?

- Who is that?!
- Go back inside.

- Go back inside!
- What? Don't tell me to go back inside!

I'm handling this!

Yes. No. Yes.

No. Yes. Yes. No.

Get the fuck out of my store!

- I just don't want to hurt you, okay?
- Get out!

- I just...
- You're not doing this again, okay?!

- This is the third time!
- Enough of you guys!

- Third time this year!
- Shit! Shit!

- Get out!
- What the hell?

- Get off me!
- Not today!

Not today!
Today is Alan Moskowitz's day!

Well, who's the pretty lady?

Hello, Angelina Jolie.

- Yo, it's locked!
- Where are the keys?

We left the keys on the counter.

Why'd you lock the door?

Because I didn't want anybody
to come in, man.

You're not
gonna do this to me again!

Not in my store!

- We've never been here before!
- Shit!

I'm standing my ground!



"You up? You up? You up?"

- What's happening?
- Be quiet. Be quiet.

Be quiet. Be quiet.

"Want to fuck? Want to fuck?
Want to fuck? Want to fuck?"

"Do you want to fuck?

Do you want to fuck?
Do you want to fuck?"

Okay, right, Igor.

Answer the phone, Igor.

Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

No. No. No. No. No.


Shut off your ringers!

Goddamn it.

Hey, Oscar, it's, uh, Scott.

I was just, uh, wondering
if, uh, you know,

you're almost done
with that thing.

We need those keys.

Fuck that!

Holy shit!

Come on, Igor!
Come on! Come on!

Um, the robbers are inside!

Hands in the air!

The lady inside's got a gun.

Get down on the ground!

Do not move!

Why would you rob a pharmacy?

I wasn't
robbing a pharmacy, okay?

I was the lookout,
for your information.

The lookout is also
committing a crime.

Are you fucking crazy?

Look, it's all
Ray's fault, okay?

He's trying to kick me out.

So I panicked
and made a bad decision, okay?

I'm only human!

A bad decision?
That's a felony.

Yeah, so?

I didn't even, I didn't even
go inside, all right?

Uh, it's not...
I'm untouchable.

I didn't do anything, all right?

Uh, i-it's Ray, okay?

He... I-I know
he's up to something.

- He's trying to erase Dad.
- Can you just let Mom be happy?

She is happy.

Well, she will be, you know,
once I get rid of that guy.

He's hiding shit, okay?
He's hiding shit.

He's a weasel.
I-I'm onto him.

This is why
I didn't want to leave,

'cause now all your crazy's
focused on Mom.

I'm not doing
anything crazy, okay?

Doing nothing would be crazy.
I'm doing something, okay?

I'm taking action!

Leave Mom alone.
Stop acting like you.

What's that mean?!

You ruined my Halloween party.

You know, you know what?
You know what?

Go enjoy your party.
I-I got this.

You don't got this.
Don't do anything.

I got this.

Don't do anything!

Hey, Scott. What's up?

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

I, uh... I just came by
to say hi to the kids.

Are-are they around?


Well, they're not here.

They went to their grandma's.


Well, what do you got
going on over there?

I'm trying to open
this bottle of wine,

but I think I mangled the cork.

Oh, well, I could help.
You want me to help?

Yes. Yes.


- Yeah!
- Yes.

So, uh, do you have a friend
coming over or something?

Oh, no.

No, I just need some mommy time.

Sometimes, mommies need to drink
when the kids are away.

Oh, well, could I hang?

I-I could use some mommy time.

Sure, but are you
old enough to drink?

Yeah, I'm old enough.
I just... I'd rather smoke.

Do you mind if I smoke in here?

Oh, no. No.

Let's crack some windows.

- It's Tuesday.
- Really?

'Cause Ray hates
when I smoke weed.

Mm. Well, I hate Ray.


- Mm.
- You know...

You have the sweetest,

most adorable kids
I've ever met in my life.

Like, I can't believe
they came out of Ray.

I know.

And you know what?

You know what
the thing is about Ray?

I never say a bad word
about him in front of the kids,

which is very difficult
because he's a cunt.

Yeah, I-I can imagine.

Well, I'm not one of your kids,
so have at it.

Let it all out.
Tell me everything.

Do you know he is fighting to

actively not have custody
of his kids?

- You can do that?
- Yeah.

- That's insane.
- I know.

Who wouldn't want
to hang with your kids?

Who wouldn't want to hang out
with those kids?

What monster wouldn't want
to hang out with those kids?

Every second!

Your daughter sang
the other day.

What did she sing?

Something from, like,
Oklahoma! or something,

and-and I hate that shit,
and I fucking loved it.

She's such a little angel.

- Mm.
- I-I thought she was a robot for, like,

the first couple days
I was hanging out with her.

I know. She's so perfect.

What a fucking putz.

Yeah, so he only
wants to see them

on Wednesday night for dinner
and Sunday.

- You can't just pick and choose.
- And, uh...

No, you can't.

What are your kids,
the NFL package?

- Wait, you're only... Yeah.
- Yeah.

But why would you want
your kids, really,

if you don't have an apartment
and you sleep at the firehouse?

I mean, you...


What kind of a grown man

can't afford his own apartment
in Staten Island?

Fucking loser.

He lost all our money gambling.

He is homeless, he's penniless,
and he's a deadbeat dad.

What is your mom doing with him?

You know, my mom hasn't
gotten laid in 17 years,

so I think her bar
is pretty low.

Really? Yeah.

He's good in bed,
I hate to say it.

All right.

Well, I didn't really
need to know that.


He's got a beautiful cock.

I mean, it's the...
it's his only attribute.

That big thick cock
kept me in it

for eight years longer
than I should have stayed.

It's a fact.

I knew I smelled you.

- The fuck, Scott?
- What?

Huh? What, are you
spying on me now?

- You Magnum, P.I.?
- What?

Telling your mom
that I'm homeless?

You think it's funny
to tell her that I'm a loser?

What are you talking...
No. What?

What do you mean,
what am I talking about?

You've been speak...
You talking to my ex-wife?

Uh, yeah. She's actually
a really nice person.

- Oh, is she? Why don't you marry her?
- Yeah.

Why don't you marry her
and see what the fuck happens?

Hey, I'm just trying to protect
my mom from you, okay?

You're a fucking psychopath.

- Oh, I'm a psychopath?
- Yeah.

I've been nothing
but nice to you!

I tried giving you direction.

You're too busy
smoking your fucking weed.

And all you've been doing
is trying to destroy

everything that I have
with Margie.

Because you're
a fucking loser, dude!

You're a, you're a
degenerate gambler

in your-your mid-50s,
who bets on the Jets.

Uh, who... Have you not learned
anything about betting?

- The Jets are gonna come back!
- No, they're not!

They got three
number one fucking picks!

They're never gonna come back!
They're never gonna come back!

I'm trying to give
your mother a good life!

I... No, you're not, okay?
You're a piece of shit, dude.

You're a fucking drug addict!
I'm a piece of shit?

Yeah, you're a piece of shit!
I'm a fucking loser?

You're the biggest loser
I ever met in my fucking life!

- Oh, really? You should know.
- Yeah! Yeah!

You surround yourself with them.

- Oh, yeah? Why don't you try me?
- Oh, really?

Why don't you try me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

This ain't gonna go
how you think it's gonna go.

So why don't you get the fuck
out of my... Really?

- Fucking asshole.
- Throw a fucking punch at me?

- Oh, yeah.
- Huh? You gonna cool off?

- Come here, cocksucker.
- You gonna cool off?

I'll fucking cool you off.

Yeah, I'll fucking cool you off!

Hey, you cool off now?

You're in there
'cause of your own actions!

Are you kidding me?!

I'm gonna tell my mom
you tried to drown me.

In an aboveground pool?

You're, like,
fucking eight feet tall.

You're lucky my dad isn't here.
He would kick your ass.

Oh, yeah? Well, guess what,
I knew your dad. Okay?

- Yeah?
- Yeah, I crossed paths with him a number of times.

And you know what? He was even
a bigger asshole than you are!

All right, that's it, that's it.

It's over. It's over.

Huh? Huh?

- You like that? You like that?
- Ow.

- Jesus.
- Fucking asshole.

Come on, tap out! Tap out!

- Fuck you! No!
- Get me out! Let me out!

- No! No!
- Let me out!

- Oh, my God!
- Get me out!

What's the matter with you?!

He's a psycho.


- We're just talking.
- About what?

- About him telling you lies about me.
- He's an animal.

He picked me up
and he threw me in the pool.

- All right? He has to go.
- No, I need you to go. Now.

What? Why-why me?
He-he's the one who started it.

Yeah, that's right.
Get the hell out of here.

And get a job and a life
while you're at it.

Your freeloading days are over.

You, too. Get going.

Wait, what did I do?

You put your hands on my son!

You're not respecting my family!

You're an animal!

Look, okay, just listen.

- Just calm down.
- I don't have to calm down!

What are...
You're attacking my son!

And you're, and you're
making up lies!

You made... You tricked me into
thinking you're a good guy.

You're not a good guy.

- Right. Mm-hmm.
- You're a fucking small guy.

Margie, Margie, just let me
explain this to you.

- Just let me talk to you, okay?
- You are not in control of me.

Okay, okay, listen, all right?

Okay, you don't have
all the information you need.

All right? Scott is acting out

'cause he's afraid
to move on with his life.

It's no different than
when the Boston Red Sox

finally won
a World Series, okay?

- Oh, my God.
- They had, they had to get to a point

- where-where they believed, okay?
- Just shut up.

- All-all...
- Shut the fuck up.

All I did was just ask him
a question, and he flipped out.

So I put him in the water,
which is soft.

I diffused the situation.

It was what-what
m-my training's all about.

I-I wa... I was totally
diffusing the situation.

Do you ever shut up?

Do you ever just
shut the fuck up?

You just talk and you talk
and you talk,

and you don't know
what you're saying.

It makes no sense.

It's like you picked up
all these little pieces

of information from all over.

They don't make any sense.
They're fragments.

No sense. Nonsense.

I-I'm not talking.

I've had it up to here.
I'm done.

Both of you,
get your shit out of here.


Oh, fuck.


Well, where do we go now?

What are you asking me for?

You created this whole mess,
you fucking schmuck.

Hey, man.

Are you mad at me?

Me? No, of course not.

Are-are you mad at me?

I mean,

- no, but...
- Are they...

Are they asking questions
about me?

I'm not gonna snitch
on you, man.

But at the same time, like,
what am I gonna say to them?

You were the lookout
that didn't look out.

Um, well, I've been
meaning to ask you.

Um... you know, since you're in
here, uh, well, I was wondering

if you wouldn't mind me staying
at your house for a little bit.

You came up here to ask me that?

- I also came to see you.
- You came...

No, you didn't come to see me.
You came to ask me that.

And, no, you can't stay
at my house.

I'm sor... I have
nowhere to go, bro.

- My house is frightening, dude.
- My mom kicked, my mom

- kicked me out.
- The fuck are you doing with your life?

Drive all the way down here
just to ask me

if you can stay at my house.

- No, I-I...
- No, you don't love me.

I do love you.

I'm sorry.
I-I... You're right.

I shouldn't have asked.
I'm sorry.

And you know what?
I need you to do me a favor.

Anything, bro. Just ask.

You got to feed my cat,
all right?

For the next
three to five months.

Is there anything else
I could do?

'Cause I'm-I'm kind of
allergic to cats.

You better look out
for Sprinkles,

because I'm looking out
for you, all right?

You got it.

And, listen, man.

I need you to spend time
with Sprinkles.

I don't want you just

going in there,
feeding him and running out.

You got to go in there,
scratch his belly.

You tell him I miss him
and I'll see him soon.


Um, how, uh, how are the boys?

How's Igor and Richie
doing in there?

I'll tell you right now.
I haven't seen Richie.


Bro, look to your right.

That's Carla.


Holy shit! Get the...

Bro, she's fucking real.

She's fucking real.

She's fucking real.
Holy shit.

Yo. She's hot, man.

He was telling the truth
the entire time.

- Good for him, man.
- I know.

- That's awesome.
- Yeah.

Hey, you.

What the hell
are you doing there?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought this was my house.

Get out of my backyard!

Get the hell out of here!

I'm really glad we did that.

It was really nice.

Me, too.

That was awesome.

Yeah. I missed you.

Oh, yeah? I missed you, too.

Just like, uh, old times.

I miss all my friends, you know.

Mr. Shark, Mr. Weird Skeleton.

Well, they missed you, too.

They missed you, too.

Hey, I, uh...
I'm in a bit of a situation.

You think I could stay here
for a few days?

What are you talking about?

Well, it's silly.

Me and Ray got into
this big fight,

and then my mom caught us, and
she just started yelling at us.

And she threw us out, so...
She kind of lost her mind.

Is that why you're here
right now?


Did you just fuck me
for shelter?

No, I didn't fuck you
for shelter.

Uh, I-I-I didn't do anything.

What? I didn't... I just...
I just need a place to stay.

Oh, God.

Dude, dude, how many times
we got to do this?

What do you mean?
I-I just want to...

I just need...
It's just for a couple weeks.

It's not that big of a deal.

A few weeks?
You just said a few days.

- Uh, or a couple months. It's...
- Months?

I'm figuring my stuff out.

I don't know the future.

Oh, my God, you...

There you go.

- What the... Hey.
- I'm not going to let myself

be upset by you, but
I'm gonna tell you something.

You make me feel so crazy.

I'm not gonna let myself
be crazy now,

but you make me feel crazy!

You are so crazy that you make

everyone around you
feel fucking crazy.

The people meet you,
and they're normal people,

and then they hang out with you,
and then they're fucking

Jack Nicholson in The Shining
or something.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got to stay Zen.
I got to meditate.

I'm meditating right now,
and you got to go.

- What? What?
- Yeah, here's your shit.


Staying calm.

You got to leave.
It's time to go.


Get out.

Well, I don't have
anywhere to go.

It's not my problem anymore.

Thank you for the sex.

It was wonderful
until you started talking.

You got to go.

Could I sleep
in your brother's room?


But he has bunk beds.

He's 14 years old.

Hey, yo, Dougie,
can I crash in your room?

That's not happening, bro.

Jesus Christ.


Hey, do you know
where Ray Bishop is?

He's in the back.
Come with me.

How about next time
you put your mask on

before we get off the rig?

I mean, I'm standing at
that front door for a minute

- waiting for you. What the hell?
- I told him to.

Always with
the backhanded compliment.

Why can't you just, you know,

at least say
the nice thing and then...

- Listen, you should be happy with any compliment.
- Okay.

- It's constructive criticism.
- It's...

- It just... It's always bad.
- Go ahead.

I would respond better
to encouragement.

I'm just...

I encourage you
to shut the fuck up.

He's soft. He can't take it.

- You're right.
- He's an emotional eater.

Well, that's the problem
with this generation, man.

They can't take criticism.

- They get, they get all-all upset.
- I know.

Hey, I'm not
a whole generation, all right?

I'm just, I'm just a man.
A man with feelings.

- Oh, my God.
- Aw! - Aw!

Now you're making me look bad.

- You're a man?
- Now you're making me look bad. Stop.


Hey, Ray.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

What are you doing here?

Look, uh, I-I don't have
anywhere else to go, all right?

I'm out of options, so...

Why would I care?

I'm sorry. Like, uh-uh...

Go sleep under a tree.
I don't care.

Do you have any idea
what you took from me? Do you?

Huh? You do a 60-minute
interview with my ex-wife

to find out
what kind of guy I am?

What do you think
she was gonna say?

- I don't know. I...
- By the way,

I'm not a gambler, okay?
I day-trade.

I don't know the difference.

You should've found out
before you shot your mouth off.

I know you smoke a lot of weed,
but you're not dumb.

You knew what the fuck
you were doing.

You went to the person
that hates me the most

to get the worst review
you could possibly get.

Why didn't you come down here
and ask these guys

what they thought of me?

Did you ever think
of doing that?

I'm sorry.
You're right. You're right.

- Uh, I shouldn't have done...
- You're not sorry

or you wouldn't have done it.
So now what?

Now you don't have
a place to stay?

So now you come down here
with your little puppy dog look

on your face,
and I'm supposed to feel bad?

Look, all I know is,

if you're not nice to me, then
my mom will hate you forever

and she'll never forgive you.

You're gonna play that card?

It's a, it's a pretty good card.

It's all I got.


Hey, Ray.




Hey, I can't sleep.

I-I never go to sleep
this early.

Oh. Well, you know
what you should do?

You should shut the fuck up.

Go to sleep.


Can't go to sleep.

Why don't you
dip your weed in NyQuil,

you fucking drug addict?

Hey, w-what do I do?

Do what you always do.
Sit there and do nothing.

Hey. Where do you go
to the bathroom around here?

Well, number one, down there.

Number two, Dunkin' Donuts
across the street.

Have a wonderful day, man.

Oh, thanks.

How'd you sleep, big man?

I hear you're Stan's kid.

He was a brave man.
It's an honor to meet you.

Thanks, man.

It's a, it's an honor
to meet you, too.

I-I didn't do anything, though.

You don't think you did?


I appreciate your sacrifice.

No, I got this one
to impress a girl.

Oh? And how did that work out?

Not good.

- We've been married 18 years.
- Ooh, poor woman.

- 18 years, huh?
- Congratulations.

- Thank you.
- Wow.

The rest I got, you know,
Maori, tribal.

It's beautiful work, man.

Thank you, man.
I appreciate that.

- What was that one?
- Maori.

This stands for
strength and courage.

- Really?
- Yeah.

What the hell are you
still doing here?

Well, you know,
believe it or not,

I-I couldn't find a place
to live in just a night, so...

- I believe it.
- I'm kind of fucked, Ray.

Yes, you are.

I'd say finish up
your free breakfast,

and, uh, hit the bricks.

All right. It's all right.

The kid can stay.

But you got to work, all right?
You ready to do some work?

Yeah. Did... did you just,
did you just make me a fireman?


Go clean the toilets
or get the fuck out.

Did I make you a... What...

Hey, do me a favor.

The bathroom downstairs...
I-I used it.

You can start there.


Get gloves. Pretty muddy.

You know, when I see
a big stain like that,

I go up and down,
and then I go left and right.

- Good times.
- There you go.

You got to get the splatter.

You see that?
That's a nice straight line.

Yeah, you guys, uh, got to do
a lot of shit work, huh?

We don't refer to it
as shit work.

This is our house.
We want it to look nice.

You know, company pride.

You got to wash it hot.

Hot. Not warm, not cold.
Extra hot.

- Okay.
- Because of the bedbugs.

What-What's bedbugs?

They're, uh, a-a tiny insect

that get into your home
and they run you out.

- You know how they procreate?
- No.

The male bedbug takes his penis

and jams it into
the female's stomach.

Does the female have a vagina?
Yeah, she does.

It doesn't matter.

He jams it into her stomach.

Well, how do you know
all this, man?

How do I know?
I researched it.

- Just flip it over. Flip.
- Oh, just a flip.

- There you go, yeah.
- Okay.

You got it.
Just flip it right down.

- Very nice.
- Mm.

Well done.

When you have bedbugs,
everybody leaves.

My parents stopped calling.

My brothers and sisters
stopped coming over.

My girl left.
Everybody's gone.

And you know who's there
for you at the end?


The bedbugs.

I never thought I'd say it,

but if I make chief,
I'm making you my aide.

- Yeah?
- What's up, kid?

Well, how do you think
you did on the test?

Tough test.

I mean, you know,
I hope I did good.


He's doing a good job.

He knows how to wash a truck.

Getting ready for his career
working at a car wash.

You ever gonna give this kid
a break or what?

I don't know
what I'm supposed to do.

Then do nothing.

Were you on the job
when Stan was killed?

Yeah. You know I was.

What's the first thing
you thought of when you heard?

I-I wondered if he had kids.

Why do we have to clean
this thing anyway?

It's just gonna get fire on it.

You think the people
that are burning alive

give a fuck
if the truck is shiny?

Just saying.

I don't even know why
you got to clean the truck.

What, you're trying to show up
all sexy to a fire?

I like him.

No! No! Stop!

All right!

Let me fix that backpack.
It's slipping.

It's weird having you
walk me to school.

Why is that?

'Cause Scott always walks me.

I walk you sometimes.

I guess so.

Is he, uh, is he weird
around you guys?


He's nice.

He asks me how I'm doing.

What do you tell him?

I say I'm doing fine.

Look, you don't have to lie to
make me feel better, all right?

I know me and your mom
could do a better job

getting along through
all of this, and, uh...

Hey, I'm sorry if I haven't
handled it so well.

What's that?

Oh, that's Ice Flash.

Scott drew it for me,
but it didn't come out so good.

Yeah, I think his drawings
are a little shaky.

That's the one that I drew.

This is how he drew it.

It's good, right?

Yeah, it's better than good.

Did a great job.


He said he was gonna teach me.

He said he'd teach you
how to do that?


And he stays to his word.

It's so nice in here now.

I love it. I love the colors.

I love everything.

- Mm!
- Hey.

- Oh, hey, Scott.
- What's...

What's going on in here?

Where... Why is everything
so different?

Isn't it nice? Do you like it?

Is that a pink chair?

- Yeah, we've been redecorating.
- W-What's up with the drapes?


Plants, too.

Yeah. Why's...

Your mother has great taste.


Where have you been staying?

Oh, I've been, uh,
at the firehouse with Ray.

Oh, okay. Well, I'm just glad
that you're not on the street.

I told you he wasn't homeless.

When you're right, you're ri...
I love this green.

- Yeah, well...
- We... I actually have been

learning, uh, a lot and, like,
bonding with the guys.

- Oh.
- So, uh, yeah.

Yeah, they got me cleaning.

Uh, they got me, like,
washing stuff and, like,

- working around the firehouse and...
- Mm-hmm. Oh.

I really understand where
you were coming from before.

You know, when you threw me out.

Like, I think I really
got my shit together now,

and I'm ready to, like,
come back and...


So, like, you think
you know what hard work is?

Well, I wouldn't say that,
but, you-you know,

I-I-I definitely have an idea.

You mopped a floor

and-and you cooked.

You cleaned a bathroom once.

Oh. Oh, Scott.

And how's your shoulder feel
after all that very hard work?

Oh, you're making fun of me.

Why are you making fun...

I-I worked really hard. I did.

Ask Ray.

He's trying to get back.

Eat a dick, Joy.

Had one for breakfast.

I'm full.


And-and wh...
and where's Dad's shrine?

- Where-where-where...
- Oh, you're ruining the vibe.

Where's his shrine?
Where's Dad's shrine?

All of his stuff is gone.
All my shit's gone.

- What's going on?
- Honey.

Uh, all right, let...
I'm-I'm really sorry.

I'm sorry I raised my voice.
I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry I laughed.
- Could we talk in private?

- Let's go outside, yeah.
- Yeah.

So we're gonna speak
for a minute.

- I'm sorry. - So sorry.
- It's okay, Joy.

- Let's just have a real...
- Let's just... Yeah.

- Let's just talk outside.
- Let's just get into it.

You know? Right. Okay.


Oh, no, you did not!

Code alarm.

Engine and truck are first due.

Box 118.

Heavy smoke
coming from the roof.

Hey, yo, Scott,
you want to ride this one in?

Is-is that okay?

Yeah, jump in.

Jump in.

Listen up.

We're getting multiple calls
on this box.

We're going to a fire.
Suit up!

Ladder 5-7 to Staten Island.

Yes, go ahead, Ladder 5-7.

Transmitting second alarm.

Box 1-1-8.

Fire in the first
and second floor

of a five-story
multiple dwelling.

1-4-9 to 1-4-9,

Chauffer to start work.

1-4-9 Chauffeur to Control.

Turn on the hydrant.

All right. Suit up.


Ladder 5-7 to Chauffeur.

George, take the aerial and
vent that third-floor window,

and then get the aerial
to the roof.

1-4-9 to 1-4-9.

Chauffeur, start water.

Are you guys ready?
I'm opening the door.

49, here comes your water.

Hit it, hit it. Go.
Hit it, hit it!

I'm good.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

They're gonna be fine.
They got this.

Yeah, yeah, I-I know.

I know it looks bad, but
they know what they're doing.

All right?

Ladder 5-7, Chauffeur 5-7.

I just vented
the third-floor window.

I'm bringing the aerial
to the roof.

5-7 O.V. to 5-7.

I got a 10-45
on the second floor.

Gonna bring him down
the inside stairs.

10-4, Ray.

5-7 roof to 5-7...

1-4-9 Chauffeur to 1-4-9.

- How's the water pressure?
- Pressure's fine.

5-7-9 to 5-7,

all the apartments
on the first floor are clear.

10-4, Cap.

You know, everyone gets nervous

during their first fire.

You know, when I was a probie,
I was so scared,

I would follow my captain

just hold on to his jacket.

You know, follow him around,
hold on for dear life.

- Yeah.
- No, but, uh,

you know, everybody gets
a little scared.

I mean, you know, I mean,
it's... keeps you honest.

You know?
No, if you don't get scared,

- there's something wrong with you.
- Mm-hmm.

And, by the way,
your dad never got scared.

Yeah? How-how do you know?

I mean, back in the day,
I-I was at the same house

with him for about
six months, so...

Wait, you worked with my dad
for six months

- and you're just telling me?
- Yeah. I mean, I...

Yeah, I didn't want
to make you feel weird.

We didn't want to insult you

'cause you seem
a little delicate.

- No. Please.
- Well, yeah.

What, w-what was he like?

He was kind of like you.

You know, like,
if you didn't know him,

you'd think he was
a crack baby, but he was...

No, but he was a good guy.
He was a, he was a great guy.

- He was a great guy.
- Well, I-I, I mean, I heard

- he was fucking hilarious.
- Oh, yeah.

And-and he got away
with so much shit,

like, because he was
so freaking likable.

What kind of stuff?
Like, w-what'd he get away with?

One time, we were driving
down the West Side Highway

- after being out all night...
- Mm.

You know this.

This is a good one.

And, uh, he's, like,

he's up on the...
through the sunroof.

He's, like, sitting
on top of the car.

We're like...
We couldn't get him in.

So we start speeding up,
stopping short, you know.

By the time we hit the bridge,
he fell onto the windshield.

- So he's...
- What?

he's, like...


Hanging on, cursing at us,
putting his face

up against the windshield.

He's like, "You motherfuckers!"

It was like some real Tom Cruise shit.


We get into Brooklyn.

And sure-sure enough,
there's cops.

Like, uh, like they were
waiting for us.

Oh, shit.

So now I'm like,
"Oh, fuck. We're screwed."

Stan gets off the car.
He goes over to the cop.

I'm thinking, "Oh, shit, he's
gonna fucking clock this cop.

He's gonna, you know..."

And he goes right up to him,
grabs his face,

and he kisses him on the lips.

They went to high school

They went to fucking
high school together.

I'm like, "Only Stan
could get away with that."

I swear to God.

Well, you know, the rumor is

that he got the coke
from the cops.

Not that cop. There was another
cop he knew in Manhattan.

What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! No.

- Coke? What? No.
- Guys, guys, guys.

- Guys, it's his dad.
- So?

- I didn't know it was a secret.
- It's his dad.

You can't just tease me
with that.

- Please, guys, but...
- It was...

You don't understand.
My mom, my mom tells me

all these stories about how much

he's like a saint
and all that shit.

Like, I-I would love
to hear a coke story.

- Please.
- The PG-13 version.

No, you don't...
No, the real version.

You don't understand the amount
of pressure I'm under,

- thinking this guy's perfect.
- All right, fuck it, fuck it.

All right, we were
coked out of our minds.

- Nice.
- All right? We all were.

We all... Well, I mean, uh, we were.

- But that was a different time. I mean, we all did it.
- Right.

This guy was the cokehead.

- You were the cokehead.
- All right.

I stopped four years ago.
You know that.

What are you talk...
How do you think

he stayed this skinny
all these years?

No, I have a high metabolism.

They should have his face
on a nickel in Bolivia.

But playtime
was playtime, all right?

Like, you know,
when he was at work,

he was, he was all,
you know, business.

All right? And he was the guy
you wanted by your side

if-if you were
going into a fire.

Yeah, I mean,
if they were gonna,

like, build a fireman
from scratch,

he would've been, you know...

- Prototype.
- Yeah. Yeah.

You know, top to bottom...

He's a fireman.

You know?

- You know, as brave as they come.
- Yeah.

You know, I was thinking about
what you said at the game

about, you know, like,
firemen shouldn't have kids.

Let me tell you something.

You know, your dad,
he didn't just die

saving those two people
that night.

I mean, he did that a lot.

You know, like, sometimes,

he wouldn't even
wait for the line.

He'd just, he'd just go in,
like, a fully involved room,

and you're, like...
I'm like, "What are you doing?"

And because if-if he heard
there was somebody in there,

he'd just go in.

That's the way, you know...

He... That's who he was.

That's how he was built,
you know?

He couldn't, he couldn't
not be that way.

You understand?

Thank you. No, thank you,
thank you for sharing.

That's awesome.

He would slap the shit out of me

if he heard me say this
about him, but he was a hero.

And heroes are necessary.

And they should be allowed
to have families, all right?

But I know it means, you know,

that people suffer.

And I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Well, but I'm sorry
for being a dick.

- There's-there's two sides to every story.
- No.

Thank you for sharing with me.
Thanks for taking me here.

- All right, we don't have to get all Oprah.
- Yeah.

- It's all right.
- Hey, to Stan.

- Yeah, Stan.
- Yeah, Stan.

- Stan. - Stan.
- Stan.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Come on, try a little ♪

♪ Nothing is forever ♪

♪ There's got to be
something better than ♪

♪ In the middle ♪

♪ But me and Cinderella ♪

♪ We put it all together ♪

♪ We can drive it home ♪

♪ With one headlight ♪

♪ She said it's cold, it feels like... ♪

My head hurts. I...

This-this is why I don't drink.
I just, I just smoke weed.

Hey, so what are you gonna do?

With-with what?

With your life.

You must be passionate
about something.

Um, yeah, the...
the tattoo thing.

I... I love that.

Were you, like, into that?

No, you know, it-it takes a lot
of practice, you know, and...

None of my friends will let me
tattoo them anymore and...

Hey, why don't you
give me a tattoo?



Come on, I don't have
any tattoos.

I'm a, I'm a blank slate, man.

Put it on my back.
Yeah, use it for practice.

Well... well,
you're just saying this

'cause you're drunk, right?
You're not...

- You're not actually...
- Isn't everybody drunk

when they get
their first tattoo?

Touché, Ray.


It's my back.
I don't give a fuck.

I'm never gonna see it.

Plus, I got to tell you
something, you know.

I saw that drawing
you did for Harold.

I was kind of blown away
by it, man. You...

You're getting
really good at it.

I'm practicing a lot.


Like anything, you keep
doing it, you get better at it.

And I, you know...

You know, I do want to see you
do well, all right?

I-I believe in you.

Thanks, man.

You... you must really love me.

I love you, too.

Uh, I-I appreciate that,
but I'm not ready...

Y-You-you gonna say it back?

I'm not ready to say
something like that.

You got to say it back.

What-what if I die tomorrow?

Then I'll be that guy saying,

"You know, even though
I never said it..."

Uh, look...

I would love
to tattoo your back.

Okay, cool.

All right, but here's the deal.
No unicorns.

- No rainbows, all right?
- Uh.

None of that shit
little girls like to color in.


No body parts. No nudity.

- Okay.
- No Chinese letters.

- All right. All right, fine.
- I want, I...

I want to be able
to fucking read

whatever you put back there.

I don't need some o-order for
orange chicken or some shit.

All right.

Here we go. You ready?

Yep, let's do it.
Let's get it over with.

Yeah, I-I really
appreciate this.

This is...
It's actually very nice.


All right.


Dude, why do you get these?

Um, I don't know. I, uh...

Whenever I'm going
through something, I just,

you know, I get one.

It relaxes me
and calms me down.

Helps me, like,
think things through, you know.

- This relaxes you?
- Yeah.

You ever think of taking,
like, a yoga class?


Why don't you just give blood?

There's still needles involved.

Yeah, that's a nice tattoo.

It's aces.

- You looking at my cards, you piece of shit?
- What?

No, no, no, no.
I'm talking about the tattoo.

What are you doing?

- What?
- First good hand you dealt me

all night, you're cheating?

- He was talking about the tattoo.
- Exactly.

You are the worst liar ever.

What's six times four?


24. Yeah, 24.

What's seven times five?

- 35.
- Good job.

Look how smart you are.

I'm trying to guess
what you're drawing

by the, by the way
your hand's going.

Remember, nothing weird
or I'll kill you.

- Nothing weird.
- Okay.

It doesn't look weird, does it?

No, not at all.

Oh, good, 'cause
you know I'll murder him.

It looks wonderful.

Oh! Is it supposed to hurt?

Is it supposed to hurt
that much?

It's-it's a needle
going into your back. Yeah.

I know, but I thought
I had more back fat than that.

Can I get a tattoo?

- No. No.
- Sure.

- All right.
- No.


Don't mess with perfection.

Everybody goes.

Both companies, first due.

Phone alarm. Box 3-4-3.

18 Carpenter Avenue
between Rockland and Franklin.

Smoke coming from the second-
floor window of a private home.



- Excuse me.
- Yeah?

Hey, man. How you doing?

What's up, man?

I need some assistance
over here, please.

- Sure, I...
- Hey, give me a sh...

- Oh, my God!
- Ah, don't worry about it.

Listen, everything's all good.

It's, uh, really nothing.

I just need a little assistance.

This is something that needs
to be taken care of now.

What happened? Are you okay?
Did you get shot?

- Were you stabbed?
- It's not really a big deal.

My vape exploded in my pocket.

I didn't stretch
right before yoga.

I was playing tennis.
I slipped.

- Well, which one is it?
- What do you want me to say?

It was nothing.

I just need some medical
attention, but just by you.

Dude, I got to call 911.
I don't know what to do.

No, no, no, listen, listen.
No police, please.

Not today.

- What does that even mean?
- No.

We don't need to get
the government involved

into this situation.

We can handle this together.

Dude, I'm so high.
I can't help you right now.

I'm high, too.

Well, then you know how I feel.

What do you want me to do?

Take a look at this.

I need some sort of foam.

- Holy shit!
- You got some stitching?

- Dude!
- Do-do you have, like, a little needle?

- Do you have something with a needlepoint?
- No.

What happened?

It was a misunderstanding.
It was an argument.

But we're all friends again.
We worked it out.

You know how buddies get.

Dude, I... We-we, we got to
take you to the hospital

- or you're gonna die.
- I'm not gonna die.

- Yes, you are.
- I'm gonna die?

Yeah, I'm positive.

I'm positive
that you're gonna die

if we don't go to the hospital.

Are there metal detectors
in here?

I-I'm not sure. Why?

Don't even worry about it.

I'll tell you later.

Oh, shit.

- Oh, fuck.
- You'll be all right.

- Oh, my God.
- You'll be all right.

Guys, I need help!

This guy's bleeding!
He's losing a lot of blood!

- I need a gurney, please!
- Oh, thank you.

- All right, just hold... Put...
- Thank you.

Put pressure on it, all right?

Hi. This guy's been, uh,
either shot or stabbed.

I don't know. He's been
kind of vague about it.

Sir, have you been shot?


- I fell in a thorn bush.
- Okay.

Have him fill out
this paperwork,

and the doctor will call you
when he's ready.

Do me a favor, man.
Can we just switch identities?

What? No.

Just let me use
your driver's license.

- We look nothing alike, dude.
- No one's gonna know.

Just trust me.

I'm bleeding.
It feels like I have to shit.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I'm Margie's son. Do you know...

I'm Margie's son.

I don't know who that is.

I'm just filling in.


- I know.
- My pain keeps coming.

Tell that fucking cocksucker,
my father, that I hate him

and I love him at the same time
and I forgive him.

I-I-I do not need to do that,
because you're gonna live.

Tell my sister
I know she's my mother.


Got here as soon as I could.

Hey, man, we got to
help this guy.

He's bleeding out.

This a cop?

He looks like a cop.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Ray Bishop, Ladder 57.

We got to get this guy
some help.

We got to move it along here.

- Follow me.
- Okay, come on, buddy.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

Here we go, here we go,
here we go.

All right.

Abdominal wound!

There we go.

Where? Where?

Put him in Two.

In Two.

Let's get vitals.

- All right, buddy.
- All right, get him right here.

We got to get your shirt off.

Let me know if you need trauma.

- Oh, shit.
- Okay. Here we go.

- Nice and easy, nice and easy.
- I'll meet you at Six. Six.

You okay? It's gonna be okay.

He's one of your friends?

No, no, no.
I-I was just helping him.

Yeah, Scott brought him in.

You know, guy just kind of
wandered into the firehouse

while we were out on a call.

You guys are covered in blood.
Take these off.

Throw 'em here.

Put 'em over here.

Just leave 'em there.
Down there.

What's that?

- What's that?
- Oh.

I let your son practice on me.

How's it look? He won't let me
see it till it's done.

Let me see it.

He, um, he-he let me do
whatever I wanted, so...

Jesus Christ.

He didn't put anything
stupid on there, did he?

Took forever.


Yeah, I, um...
I can never get the eyes right

'cause I-I just make them
too dark, but I-I...

It's beautiful.

I'm proud of you.

- You could really do this.
- Thanks.

There's not any, like,
Chinese characters

or anything back there,
is there?

No, no.

No, no, no.

You told me not to.

I would never disobey you.

Thank you for letting him
do this, Ray.

Oh, I didn't do anything.
I just sat there.

He did all the work.

You liked going over the spine,
didn't ya?

Took it like a champ.

I sat there wincing.

Oh, my God.

Can we at least
close the curtain?

- Oh. My guys.
- Guys, people die in here, all right?

- My guys. My guys.
- Uh... - Aw, come on.

Mom, I don't want to hug him.
He's not wearing a shirt.

- Come on, you can handle it.
- Ah, dude, you're so smooth.

You're-you're like a sea otter.

Please, we have to stop.

We have to stop.
Please. Please.

Please stop? Please stop.

But first, you will get to Lord
and Lady Stark and you will...

I hung out with,
like, Ray and the guys

from the firehouse
the other night at the bar,

and, um, they were just telling
all these stories about Dad.

And there were stories
I never heard of before,

like, you know, about him,
like, doing coke

and being hilarious.

- Yeah.
- You know?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, he was hilarious.



He was also
out of control and crazy.

- Do you understand?
- You can't.

Why-why didn't you just tell me?

I don't know.

I just... I wanted you to have
some good memories

to offset what happened.

I didn't know what to-to say.

Was I gonna say, "Your dad
really loved watching cartoons

with you 'cause he was
tripping all the time"?


Sounds like a good dad to me.

No, you know what?

Uh, I get it.

Knowing that he had
his issues and... problems

just like everybody else,
it makes me feel better.

It really...
it really humanizes him.

Well, he was a great guy.

He was a very complicated guy.

He had a really big heart.


Like, like Ray?


Yeah, I guess, like Ray, yeah.



Um, I guess you could say
that you have a type.



I have a type.

I know we don't really talk
about it much, but...

...I, uh...

I-I miss Dad.

A lot.


Me, too.

And, uh...

I'm sorry that I've been

so difficult to deal with.


I'll try and...

get it together.

It's just hard.

I think it'll always be hard.

I, uh...

I really like Ray, but I...

He's-he's got to lose
that mustache.

I mean, come on.

When we go out in public,

people think that
I'm kidnapped, you know?

The looks that we get
at the supermarket.

They're like...
People-people look at me like,

"Are you okay?"
And I'm like, "Yeah, no, yeah.

It's my mom's boyfriend."

- All right, buddy, good luck.
- Thanks for the lift.

All right, man.

Confidence, right?

- Yeah.
- All right, go get 'em.


Kelsey. Hi.

Hey. How are you?

- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I just, uh...

I-I just wanted to talk to you.

Well, I have
my civil service test today.

Oh, yeah, I-I remembered.

That's why I wanted to,
you know...

- I have to go.
- Can I come?

What? Why?

You know, for, like,
moral support.

I just want to be there for you.

- Well, I can't stop you.
- Oh, all right, great.

Y-Your hair looks nice.


Listen, I know you probably
want to talk about

relationship stuff and
serious bullshit, but I can't.

I have to study and focus right
now so I don't screw this up.


I, um...

I can help you, if you like.

You don't want to help me.

Mm, yeah, I do.
I would love to.

Okay, w-will you just
test me on this part?

Yeah. That one?

- All right.
- Okay.

Here we go.

"Amy must complete
three tasks at work.

"She estimates
that the first two tasks

"will take her
45 minutes to complete

"and that the third task
will take her

"two hours and ten minutes
to complete.

"If Amy's estimate is correct,

how long will it take her
to complete all three tasks?"

Three hours and 40 minutes.

Did-did you just guess that
or did know the answer?

No, that's correct.

That's incredible.

- Wow.
- It's not that amazing.

- It is, no.
- Relax.

I-I... Is it all math questions?

I thought it was, like,
city shit.

No, no.

You have to prove
that you're not stupid,

and then you can
work for the city.

Oh. Oh.

So I can never
work for the city.

Hey, uh, I...

I, uh...

I, um...

I love you.

A lot.

I-I always have, and I, um...

That's why I always
act so weird.

'Cause I don't know
how to express myself.

Failure to do so

could result in serious injury.

- Should I ask the next?
- Yeah.

All right, so,
"Of the 250 people

"working at a medical facility,
16% are clerks.

How many are..."

Thank you for
riding the Staten Island Ferry.

I've lost my place.

"Of the 250 people
working at a medical facility,

- 16% are clerks."
- Mm-hmm.

"How many are not clerks?"

You're showing me the page.

Hey, will you wait for me
while I do it

and then we can go back
to Staten Island together?

Yeah. Of course.
How long are you gonna be?

Three and a half hours.

All right.

- Really?
- Yeah, I'll go figure something out.


All right. Cool.

Good luck.

Maybe do something cultural.

Like, broaden your horizons.

All right.

Good luck. Have fun.

Oh, my God, I'm freaking out!

I'm scared.

♪ Mm ♪

♪ Ay-oh ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Ratatat ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Tell me what you know about
dreaming, dreaming ♪

♪ You don't really know
about nothing, nothing ♪

♪ You don't really care about
the trials of tomorrow ♪

♪ Rather lay awake in the bed
full of sorrow ♪

♪ I'm on the pursuit
of happiness and I know ♪

♪ Everything that shine ain't
always gonna be gold, hey ♪

♪ I'll be fine once I get it ♪

♪ I'll be good ♪

♪ I'm on the pursuit
of happiness and I know ♪

♪ Everything that shine ain't
always gonna be gold, hey ♪

♪ I'll be fine once I get it ♪

♪ I'll be good ♪

♪ Tell me what you know about
dreaming, dreaming ♪

♪ You don't really know
about nothing, nothing ♪

♪ Tell me what you know about ♪

♪ Them night terrors
every night ♪

♪ 5:00 a.m., cold sweats,
waking up to the sky ♪

♪ I'm on the pursuit
of happiness and I know ♪

♪ Everything that shine ain't
always gonna be gold, hey ♪

♪ I'll be fine once I get it ♪

♪ I'll be good ♪

♪ Pursuit of happiness ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I'll get it ♪

♪ I'll be good. ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Oh, never, never, never ♪

♪ Did I ever stop to think ♪

♪ That I'd find myself
here with you ♪

♪ In your own world of dreams ♪

♪ Oh, but here I am ♪

♪ Again with you ♪

♪ You are my joy ♪

♪ And my joy is you ♪

♪ Never, never ♪

♪ Never did I ever
stop loving you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Sometimes I stop and ask ♪

♪ And wonder where you were ♪

♪ Then I rip you from my mind ♪

♪ 'Cause I thought
you didn't care ♪

♪ Oh, but here I am ♪

♪ Again with you ♪

♪ This time I know ♪

♪ What my heart can do ♪

♪ Never, never ♪

♪ Never did I ever
stop loving you ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I don't know why ♪

♪ I had to play the game
of losing you ♪

♪ To make me see ♪

♪ That I still love you ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ But here I am ♪

♪ Again with you ♪

♪ You are my joy ♪

♪ And my joy is you ♪

♪ Never, never ♪

♪ Never did I ever
stop loving you ♪

♪ Oh, no, oh, no ♪

♪ Never, never,
ooh, never, baby ♪

♪ Did I ever stop loving you ♪

♪ I just can't stop ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪

♪ Never, never, never ♪

♪ Did I ever stop loving you ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Never, baby ♪

♪ Did I stop loving you ♪

♪ Oh, no, oh ♪

♪ Never, never, never ♪

♪ Did I ever stop
loving you, baby ♪

♪ Yeah, oh ♪

♪ Never, never. ♪