The Internship (2013) - full transcript

Billy (Vince Vaughn) and Nick (Owen Wilson) are salesmen whose careers have been torpedoed by the digital world. Trying to prove they are not obsolete, they defy the odds by talking their way into a coveted internship at Google, along with a battalion of brilliant college students. But, gaining entrance to this utopia is only half the battle. Now they must compete with a group of the nation's most elite, tech-savvy geniuses to prove that necessity really is the mother of re-invention.

foodval.com - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
---
What the shit is this?

Why is this on
the get-psyched mix?

'Cause I got to throw you
a curveball

every now and then
or you get bored,

and then the mix doesn't have
its intended effect.

No, I want to get revved up,
and this song's not doing it.

Oh, really? I defy you to crush
this chorus and not get psyched.

Not going to happen.

What is it?

Help me out!

He was afraid.



- Bring it home.
- Oh, yeah.

Come on, papi. Yes!

We've got our jam on now.
- Jump to it.

It's been a dry June,

and I know it doesn't need
to be said out loud,

but we need this sale.
- I am so confident

that we're going
to close this thing

that I'm going to order
the Pappy Van Winkle.

I know it's pricey, but I want

to spiritually invest
in our success.

I'll tell you what, if you
didn't order the Pappy,

I'd send your raggedy ass
back out to the car

to listen to the get-psyched mix
to get your mind right.

We're selling Bob Williams.
Been married 16 years.



Wife Karen, one daughter.

You read the first page
of the scouting report.

Let me hip you to page two.

Daughter's name is Skyler,
big into gymnastics.

And to hear Bob tell it, the kid
is aces on the pommel horse.

He don't just tell it, old boy. He
likes to show it with pictures.

Everyone's searching
for something. Am I right, Bob?

Love. Success.

But what's the one thing
that no one can get more of?

Time.

Mmm. And you can't fight it.

Well, you don't have to tell me.
I mean, look at my little girl.

How old is Skyler nowadays, Bob?

Just turned nine in May.
- Nine?

Isn't that something?
- She just turned nine.

Skyler's nine?
- Mmm.

Good Lord. How old
does that make all of us?

Don't answer that question, Bob.

Let's move on.
- I was about... I was about to answer.

Pretty soon, she's going to be
borrowing Karen's makeup,

and you're going to have
two beauties on your hands.

Lock the door.
It's coming, Bob.

Double digits.
- No way. Is Skyler

still giving them hell
on that pommel horse?

You want to see that photo?
- If it's not too much trouble.

Yeah, let me show you Sky, yeah.

Let's get those eyes on Skyler.
- Look at her.

Yeah... yeah,
she's really sprouted.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Skyler's
really slimming down.

And I'll tell you what.

Gorgeous.
- She's eating really healthy.

Just mostly fruits and nuts.

Her choice.
- There is no telling what this little girl

on a squirrel diet
could end up doing.

Could she win us the gold
and make us proud?

You're damn right she could.
- You're damn right.

I have a feeling
she's already made you proud.

Am I right?
- Guilty. Guilty, my friend.

Oh, guys, it... it goes so fast.

Oh, it's like a freight train
going down the track.

Clickety-clack, clickety-clack.
Now she's got a boyfriend.

- Oh.
- Guy you like, hopefully.

Clickety-clack, clickety-clack,
she's married.

Clickety-clack,
she's putting you in a home!

Oh, my God, a home.

She would do it, too.

I believe that, too.
- No, no, she would.

Only when you don't
remember who she is.

I'm kidding!

Oh, it feels good
to laugh about Alzheimer's.

You can't control time.

No.

But... you can manage it.

Mmm.
- Bob...

the Chronoshock Aught Thirteen.

Carpe diem.

These babies will fly
off your shelf.

Now, I know that you've moved up
to having six stores,

so you're probably
going to want to have

a little larger order
than you did last year.

You're kidding, right?

Your... your business
has... been folded.

I'm sorry?
- No, no, no, no, Bob,

there has been some chatter.

The last few years
have been rough.

But come on,
who hasn't felt the pinch?

Yeah.
They didn't tell you, did they?

Look...

I thought you guys
just wanted to grab dinner

for old times' sake, but, uh...
- Yeah.

Your company is closed.

I hate to be the one
telling you that.

Honestly, I know
that I can't buy the watches

because your company
doesn't exist anymore,

but I wish I could.

I mean, that's
how good you guys are.

One round of Pappy Van Winkle.

Enjoy, gentlemen.

Oh... wow.

That is expensive stuff.

You know, Bob, uh...
do you mind, uh...

just going Dutch?
- You don't have to say any more.

I got it. I'm doing this.
Let me do this.

I'm saying let's slice the pie
three ways, honestly.

If you don't mind.
- No, that-that-that's silly.

That's silly.
I'm doing really, really...

really well right now,
and you guys are not.

But, Bob, I can...
- At all.

Let me do this.

But let's just split it.
Let's go Dutch.

Okay. Okay.
- Let's be the three Dutchmen.

Okay, but this Dutchman's
going to...

going to pay when he can
in a couple weeks.

I hope you understand.

What the fuck, Sammy?

What the fuck, me?
What the fuck, you?

Who told you you could barge

into my office
without an appointment?

You closed the company?

And then you send
us out on a sale

that we really needed

and had Bob Williams
drop that bomb on us?

Bob Williams has got
a big fucking mouth.

Yeah, he does.
- Look.

You weren't going to get
the sale anyway.

Nobody wears a watch anymore.

They just check
their goddamn phones.

Disagree. Cite your sources.
- The kids, maybe,

but there's...
there's a broader market.

Lorraine, what time is it?

10:26.

One hip, pioneering secretary
does not a cultural trend make.

She's 75 years old.

Watches are obsolete,
and so are the two of you.

Hey. Obsolete?

What does that even mean?

It means everything's
computerized now.

It's cheaper
for a machine to tell

these companies what to order
than a manufacturer's rep.

They don't need us anymore.

No, people have a deep mistrust of machines.
- That's right.

Have you seen Terminator?

Yep. Mm-hmm. All of them.
- Or 2 or 3 or 4?

People want to deal with
people, not Terminators.

People hate people.

Times have changed.

That's so negative.

Luckily, I saw this coming,
cashed out my retirement,

bought a condo in Miami Beach,
new tits for the wife.

Silicone. It's legal again.

- Wow. - Saline's out?
- Yeah, me and the old lady

are going to be tucked away
real nice.

Yeah, great for you, huh?

Perfect.

So, uh, that's it, right?

But what about us, Sammy?

You two were great salesmen...
the best...

but at the end of the day,
you're grinders, foot soldiers.

We all know
you'll never be generals.

And I'm going to say
something harsh now.

Now you're going to say
something harsh?

Strap it in, boys, 'cause it
ain't pretty out there.

And you two are dinosaurs.

Face it.

Where you're going...
you've already been.

I thank you for your service.

What are we going to do?

I don't know.

But I got to worry about the now.

I don't know what the hell
I'm going to say to Megan.

No. Let it play.

For the love of God, let it play.

- Come on, Megan, listen to me.
- Honey, let's talk about this.

Is this because
I'm too unselfish in bed?

Because I can change it around. I'm not
going to say it's going to be easy,

but I can do it.
Megan, listen to me.

Honey, it's always darkest
before the dawn.

No, Billy, it's not. It's actually
darkest in the middle of the night.

We have enough on the table here
without arguing about proverbs.

Look, I knew things
weren't great,

but to come home
to a foreclosure sign?

Can we hug it for a second? Can I touch it?
- No. No, please.

Okay, listen.
That could've been avoided

if the Bob Williams deal
didn't go so bad on me.

You blew the Bob Williams deal?
- Well, it's not so much

that I blew the deal
as much as the company

just decided to shut down
and take our jobs away.

What?
- Come on, listen to me, sweetheart.

I promise you,
I can pay for all of this.

It's not about the money, Billy.

This is about you, okay?

You-you talk a big game, but you
never do anything about it.

It's like you say that we're
going to go to Spain,

but have I ever been to Barcelona?
- "Barthelona."

Ugh. - And not yet,
but we're going.

Vaya con dios, mi amor.

What?
- Porque esta bravo

en Barthelona y fant?stico.

No, we are not going
to "Barthelona," okay?

We have discussed going
to Barthelona,

but we are never going
to go to Barthelona.

Not with an attitude like that, we're not.
- Oh, God.

Wait, do you even hear yourself?

Yes. - I'm glad that you
got to say some of that,

because we're in a
relationship, and I'm

just glad that we're both
committed to it.

No... do you know how badly
I want to believe that, Billy?

Because I've been with you
for a long time,

and nothing ever seems
to get better.

Honey, you were...

you're such a great guy,
but you always figure out

a way to screw things up
and let people down.

And, Billy, I love you,

but I'm really tired
of being let down.

That's terrible, Nicky.

Are you okay?

I should have gone on my own
when I had the chance.

I was so stupid. I was...

Nicky, you did the right thing.

Always got a paycheck,
played it smart.

Dad would have been proud.

Well, what would he
have been proud of?

I didn't play it smart.
I played it safe.

And look where I am now.

Proud?

You're at your nephew's
Little League game.

Now, cheer up.

Okay.
- Come on.

All right, Tate!
- All right, here we go, Tate.

Put some wood on it.

He's a great kid.

I keep telling you you'd
make a terrific father.

Yep, you do keep telling me that.

Unfortunately, it would
require you having

a relationship that lasted
longer than three months.

I'm not sure it
would require that.

Let me call Kevin.
- Jeanie...

I'm sure your boyfriend's
a great guy,

but I'm not ready
to work for someone

who spent all
of last Thanksgiving

explaining the meaning
of his tattoo.

Be reasonable, Nicky.

Take the job.

What else are you going to do?

That's it. Just take
the walk, Eagle Eye.

Walk's as good as a hit.
Come on.

What is this guy saying?
Bullshit.

Nick. Nick!

A walk's not as good as a hit. It's not as good
- Nick!

As a double or a triple.

It's not as good as a dinger.

Go on, take a big cut, Tate.

Nick!

Get off the field.
- What are you doing?

You call him Eagle Eye
to get him not to swing?

Come on, he's 12 years old.

He's got the rest
of his life to take a walk.

How about you take a walk,
pal, and get off my field?

Just stop calling him
Eagle Eye, okay?

Oh, I'm going to
call him Eagle Eye.

Oh, no, you're not.
- Yes, I am.

You're Eagle Eye, you piece of...
- No, I'm not.

Huh?

Nick!
Get off me!

Go ahead, Tate. Swing!

I'm okay! I'm okay.

Play ball!

Come on, Tate! Swing big!

Read Moneyball, asshole.

Walks are as good as hits.

Just when you think your day

couldn't get any worse,
it got worse.

I feel like my day

bent me over, put a ball
in my mouth and fucked me bad.

Is it just me, or does life look
a lot like those hillbillies

from Deliverance right now?

It's got me over
by the tree there,

just told me I had
a pretty mouth.

You over, squealing like a
pig on all fours. "Whee!"

I'm looking, "Wh-Where's Burt
Reynolds with the crossbow?"

He's not coming.

We're there, it's gonna happen.

You're gonna get raped.

You know what it is?

I feel like life's inside of me,
just working,

just pushing,
just going all after it.

And then, all of a sudden,
life pulls out.

But he's gonna scurry up
the pillow.

Boom, just explodes
right in my fucking mouth.

How are you?

Hey. A cute kid.

How old is she?

She's a boy.

Okay.

Still very attractive.

You know, without pink or blue,

it's hard to tell,
but the features are great.

Maybe... maybe put him
in some modeling.

That's what they're going for...

that right-down-the-middle
thing.

It's like, how many
different ways

do we have to say, "I give up,"

say "uncle," say "mercy"

before life stops
wailing away on us?

I mean, we are getting pounded.

You know, I feel like
our whole generation are sheep

that's been sold
a bad bill of goods.

Like, we were told, you know,
go to college, get good grades.

Well, you didn't go to college.

I'm saying,
in theory, in concept,

our generation was told
that you go to college,

you get a job, you...
you get a mortgage,

and, you know,
here we did everything

the way we were supposed to,

and what do we get for it?

Where's our thanks?
Nothing.

I think I'm going to call
Kevin about that job.

Kevin?

Thanksgiving tattoo?

We're not that low, are we, Nick?

Okay.

Come on.

Show me one little
something here.

What are you going to do, Billy?
Come on, Billy.

There he is.

Nickrophiliac!
- Hey.

How you been?

Good. Just working away.
- Yeah.

Yeah. I see that.
- Yeah.

Don't slag off on the corners.

Okay.

The corners are so important.
- All right.

'Cause we got people tracking
shit in here all the time.

Okay.

And I mean, like,
literally dog shit.

Jesus.

Huh? - Wow, I should've
worn some gloves.

I said I should've worn
some gloves.

Gloves aren't gonna help you.

You don't want protector duty?

'Cause I got another
place I can put you:

Out on the curb,
twirling the big arrow.

Does that sound good?

Hot sun beating down on you?

I've lost three of those
guys to skin cancer.

We call that curb
"the widow maker."

I don't want to go out to the widow maker.
- Okay?

How do you think you'd fare out
there with that alabaster skin?

Well, I-I don't know.
- I'll tell you.

You'd be dead in a year.

It felt like you...

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jeggings.
- What?

Jeggings, 5:00.
- Where?

Right there.

I'd like to play around
in that rumpus room.

You know what I mean?
- Yeah.

Have you done the back door yet?

Do what?
- Back door.

Back-door action.

"Knock-knock." Back door.

No.
- "It's me."

No.

"With my penis."
- No.

A life changer.

It is a life changer!

You VIP your way
into that back alley,

you don't even think about
the main entrance anymore.

You know what I mean by
"the main entrance"?

We're talking dick
into the vagina.

Kevin, this is
an awkward conversation.

Why?

Because you're going out
with my sister!

Oh, yeah. Well, don't-don't
think we didn't go through

a period of adjustment.

Adjustment?

Can you gentlemen help me?

Yes, ma'am. Nick is
one of our best.

In fact, his entire family

knows their way
around a mattress.

Get it.
- What are...?

Get it done.
- My question is about

memory foam versus standard.

Specifically as it relates
to lumbar support.

What?

Lumbar support.
- I'm... Okay, I'm sorry.

Hi, great choice in mattress.
- Yeah.

Why don't you go ahead
and, uh, lie down there.

Let's try to work our way
through this conundrum,

uh, because what I think you're asking is...
- Oh, man.

Uh, Billy, I'm with a customer, thank you.
- Sure.

Pardon me, ma'am, yeah,
just maybe start off on this.

Yeah. Just lay it down.
- Yeah, come here for a second.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Listen, I got it.

I've seen the future,
and it's beautiful for us.

Okay, I don't know what you got,

but I got a job here,
and I don't want to lose it.

Now, can we talk
about this later?

No, we can't talk about it later.

The future doesn't know later.

What are you...?

All the future is, is later.

That's literally
what the future is.

It's later.

What are you talking about?

Google.

Google?
- Yeah.

The place is amazing.

They got nap pods,
they got massage rooms,

they got a volleyball court.

They got the whole nine.

It's ranked as the greatest
place to work at in America.

Yeah, I know.
It's a technology company...

a field we know jack squat about.

Look-it, Google needs us.

And Google wants us.

They do?

You sweet son of a bitch.

You got us a job at Google?

Well, it's not actually a job.

What do you mean,
not an actual job?

Well, it's an interview
for an internship that has

a better-than-not chance
of materializing into a job.

Billy, now you're
making me very angry.

You want me to leave my job
to go for an interview,

not for a job
but for an internship

that may or may not
lead to a job?

Nick, aren't you tired of asking
for just enough to get by?

Yes.

I want to do something
that matters.

I want to have a life that I'm
excited about and that's great.

Nick, I want us
to go to California.

And I want us to get
these jobs at Google.

I'm going to speak to a manager.

Terrific. I think he's right
over there in the corner.

Let's roll it on over
onto the stomach.

He'll be very helpful.
- Okay, what we're gonna do here

is get a little support
for the hips.

So here comes... Imagine a
pillow, right like there, okay?

Oh. Uh-huh.

And what we're gonna do
is separate the feet,

create a little heat dispersion.

Excuse me!
- Now, so we have...

Is there something
I can help you with, ma'am?!

What?!

I'm trying to buy a mattress.

Unbelievable!

Listen, our interview
is in one hour.

Now, Nick, this might be
the last chance that we got.

How's it going, Gossip Girls?
CW just called; You're canceled.

Excuse me?

Look, I know you're peddling him

a bunch of crap,
just like the crap merchandise

you two used to shill.

So, listen up, Marfan Syndrome.

Excuse me?
- Marfansism.

Big man's disease.

The Giant Killer.

You. - Me and you are
the same height.

We're not the same height.
We're not the same height.

I'm handsome tall.

You're the type of tall where
you walk through the airport,

people stop what they're eating
and look at you.

You're like a freak.

Now, Nick,
you have a customer waiting.

Nick... we have
our future waiting.

Nick, you know what that says?

No, I don't read Sanskrit.

"Make reasonable choices."

That's an odd thing
to get tattooed on your neck.

Just get back to work!

God! I'm sorry
you had to see that, ma'am.

Now, let's get back to you

and talk pelvic ventilation.

Kevin!

What?

You know, you've been saying

some insulting things
to me all day.

What are you doing?

I'm taking the shirt off.

Because I don't know

what happens to a dream deferred.

Does it dry up like
a raisin in the sun?

Or does it explode?

I don't want to find out.

You just made the worst mistake
of your life, my friend.

Hey, hey-hey-hey-hey,
yeah, hey!

You take the shirt off,
it doesn't go back on, okay?

There's not a second chance!

See you in hell!

So we're meeting our
interviewer in here?

No, not in here.
We're meeting him in here.

It's a Hangout.

This is how people
do it now, Nicky...

they have their interviews on the Internet.
- Oh.

I like it.

Now, it says here
that the internship

is only for college
students, so...

Guess who's way ahead of you.

That's why I enrolled us
at the University of Phoenix.

That proud online institution.

Go, Fighting Phoenixes.

Nice.

Wait, you put my major
down as physics?

Why-why would you put
my major down as...

I don't know shit about physics.

Look...
- Physics scares me.

These guys paint the corner
of the plate with their pitches.

They're not gonna come
straight down the middle

and ask you about physics;
It's too obvious.

I took it off the table.

Good. Hide in plain sight.

Yes.

But you put you down for
sales? As your major?

Well, 'cause I'm a talker.

I figure I should
probably dazzle.

I want you to... you know,
I've thought about this.

I just figure, like, hide
your vacancy and let me dazzle.

- Okay, dazzle.
- Are you done yet?

There's a 15-minute limit.

I'm sorry, you know what?

The big boys are gonna need
the computer a little longer,

but maybe we can make this
a win-win for you.

Get yourself a soda pop.

Give her some money, yeah.
Here you go.

Yeah, just go put
some sugar in your body.

Enjoy it.
- What a cute kid.

I'm no child, but, Billy...
- Okay, here they are.

Now, when I hit this, they'll be
able to see us, so come on in,

get in there close so we
can be seen on the Webcam.

See how small the Webcam is?
- They can see us...

No, get cheek to cheek.
Nick, come here, cheek to cheek.

Okay, but don't crowd me.
You're crowding me right now.

Nick, get cheek to cheek.
Will you get your cheek...

Buddy, they can't see us.
- I understand that. Here we go.

Go cheek to cheek. Just go like I tell you.
- Okay. Don't yell in my...

Put your fucking cheek next to mine.
- Yes, yes, I get it.

We can see you guys.

Okay, great!
- Good! You got us?

Hi! My name is Billy!

Uh, we can hear you fine as well.

Oh, great. Um...
- Good.

Billy McMahon.

Nick Campbell.

I'm Benjamin.
- Allison.

We're thirsty, too.

Okay, slow it down there, camper.

I'm not an ATM.

I got a job interview here.

Thank you.
- We'll be back.

Okay, easy.
- Are you in a library?

You know, we're in a program here called...
- We are.

There's some beautiful
little kids here.

Yeah, kids.
Helping kids program...

one of the things we're
involved in... where we take

suburban kids and we teach them
what it's like to be homeless.

Oh, what's it called?
- Oh, it's-it's called, uh...

Attitude Adjustment.
- Attitude Adjustment.

And that's where we are today.
We're helping the kids.

And-and to be honest with you,
we did the interview here

because we wanted to help out,

and also we don't have Webcams
for our computer.

If you don't have
a Webcam on your computer,

what type of computer do you
use for your coding ability?

Coding ability?
- Uh, yeah.

Uh, under computer skills,
you put "C-plus-plus."

That's actually a C-plus.

What's that?
- Well, the second plus is

to reflect my attitude
of how I felt about the C-plus.

But it's a C-plus.

It was a typing class.

You know, same principle,

just not the engine
inside the baby there.

But it was more like
"quick brown fox."

You know, put your hands
in the basin,

and crushing it like that.

But that h-helped me out
a lot when I,

as I started my journey
into computers

because I already knew
where to put my hands, clearly.

Okay, if we could focus on
this now... you are currently

enrolled at the University
of Phoenix online?

Indeed, yes, we are.
- Damn right we are.

Damn right we are.
- It's, uh, the oldest

institution of its
kind, and as such,

many people refer to it as the
Harvard of Internet colleges.

Oh! I hadn't
heard that actually.

I... No.

That-that has not
made it out here,

that reputation.
- Well, we're Phoenix proud.

We're Phoenix proud.

Well, that's fine.

Um, we're gonna ask you
a few questions

that some of our candidates
find a little bit odd.

Let's get weird!

No judgment. Shoot.

You're shrunken down
to the size of nickels

and dropped to the
bottom of a blender.

What do you do?

I-Is there anything
else in the blender?

Uh, I don't know.

Well, that's gonna
make a difference.

Are there ice cubes to climb on?

Are we working with
a daiquiri here?

Are we throwing a little rum in?

Are we making a smoothie?
- It's been a long week.

Maybe we want to let these
little guys live a little.

Okay, for the sake of the
argument, let's say it's empty.

Sure.
- Well, in that case, it's easy, then.

Why?
- I'm sorry?

If we're shrunk down to the size

of a nickel and there's
no liquid in the blender,

we go ahead
and put it on our backs.

So you take her flat
on your back like this.

Right, right, right. You just
lay back, enjoy that breeze.

Lay stiff as a board, light as a feather.
- Pretend it's a fan.

Okay, once is...
- And let those blades

just whip all around
you like this.

It's like getting an MRI.
Dazzle, dazzle.

Once this blender's on,
it's on forever.

It's on. Forever.

Respectfully, I got to disagree.

We sold blenders, and even
the best model in the world

is only gonna run nonstop
for, what, Billy?

Even the Germans,
the Germans could never...

Yeah. Even the
German model.

Even one of those Braun ones,
they're only gonna run nonstop

maybe ten or 11 hours.
So we're getting out,

and when we do,
we're better off for it,

because whatever doesn't
kill you makes you stronger.

But let's just go ahead

and big-picture this
for a second, if I can.

Just like the founders of Google.

Big-picture Googling.

It's not so much
getting out of the blender;

It's what happens next.

That's the question.

You've got two nickel-sized
men free in the world.

Think of the possibilities.
- I mean, I-I...

off the top of my head,
and I'm just spitballing here.

My head's swimming.
- Sunglass repair?

Yeah, yeah...
- We'd be hell on those little screws.

Or maybe you stick us in
those submarines that they put

in people's bodies
to fight diseases.

That's cutting-edge
right there.

Okay, you... That's-that's
not a real thing,

the submarines.
- No.

Wait a minute.

I thought we were
stuck in a blender.

Now we're saving lives?
What?!

Uh, what?
- What?

- What?!
- What?!
- What?

Let me just recap this
for you real quick.

We started off in a blend...
- Yeah.

Now we're saving lives!

- What?!
- What?!

- What? What? - What?
- Wait a minute!

We were stuck in a blender...
- What a journey!

And now we saving lives?!

What?!
- You guys led us to this.

Thank you.

I think we've gotten
a little far afield.

Just a little off topic.

Ally, I'll get inside you
and I'll fight for you.

Uh, thank you.
I-I appreciate that, but...

Which one of you...
which one of you is physics?

Mr. Campbell?

You could maybe expound
on this from a physics aspect.

Physics.

Here, here...

Listen, the...
I-I could bend your ear

about physics and various
physical phenomenon,

but the truth is,
we were in a blender.

We lost our jobs, we'd given up.

So I think we already
answered the question

when we took this interview.

We got ourselves out,
and here we are.

If you guys really want to know
what happens when you take

two guys out of a blender...
I'm sorry, Allison, is it?

Yes.

Then give us a shot.

And I think you'd be
happy that you did.

So, who is our next applicant?

Ah, our two daiquiri men.

So, what are we
thinking... Dana?

You're kidding, right?

No.

Eleanor?

Mmm, they seem like
really nice guys,

but I-I don't think so.
- Okay. Moving on.

Oh, can I say something?

You can. You will.

We will resent you
for wasting our time,

but please don't let that
stop you.

It's just, diversity is
in our DNA, right?

I thought the goal here

was to find people with a
different way of thinking.

There's plenty of people with
a different way of thinking.

It doesn't mean
that we have to hire them.

Very good point, Dana.
Moving on.

I'm sorry, but you read
their r?sum?s, right?

They have more years

of sales and life experience

than the age
of most of our interns.

Not to mention,
our final judgment

is always based on
the Layover Test, right?

Who would you rather
be stuck next to

at an airport bar
for a six-hour delay?

The ten millionth kid
who knows that if you shrink,

your strength-to-weight ratio

allows you to jump
way higher? Duh.

Or the out-of-the-box thinkers

who turned being
stuck in a blender

into an advantage?

So it begins.

Here we go.

Place is incredible.

Where do we check in?

Let's ask somebody here.

Oh, excuse me!

I'm sorry, excuse me, do you...

Billy?

It's scary because it's new.

Let's go check in.

Head towards those
big, big letters there.

What's up, family?

Picture the greatest
amusement park

you've ever been to as a kid.

Now imagine a place
nothing like it

and a million times better.

That's where we are.

I'm gonna grab us a coffee.

You check us in.

Yeah.

Morning.

Hi.
- What's the damage here?

Nothing.

For the... for these?

Free.
- These are complimentary?

Complimentary. Free.

Whatever you want.

What you're just saying
is if I...

whatever I walk away with here...

It's free.

Doesn't... yeah.

You can have bananas.

I probably should, only because
it's a great way to st...

This is the most important
meal of the day.

Take two. They're free.

No, I know, but for my day, I need it.
- Yeah.

What about these...
the bagels and all that?

Yeah, it's free.
Anything you want.

If you're insisting,
twist my arm.

I'll have a couple of them.
- Sure.

Like four-four of them.
- Four?

Well, just whatever it is.
- Yeah.

What about five of them?
- Free, too.

Well, why don't you go ahead
and make it seven, then?

If you want to whip up
some of the other drinks.

Do you have a to-go cup, like, a Guzzler?
- Sure.

Do you have, like,
a Rednek Guzzler with a straw?

Excuse me. Pardon me.
- Yes?

Do you know what, uh,
launch this was from?

Sorry. Uh, I have a meeting.

Oh, no, no,
I don't want to hold you.

I was just...

I-I was just curious.

Was this thing actually in space?

If only there were
some Web page you could go to.

Right?
Where you could just

type things in
and search for answers.

Ah. Yes, that
would be nice.

Nick Campbell.

Uh, oops. Intern.

Dana Simms. Late.

Yep, and I'm late, too.

I got to rush off.

And it's SpaceShipOne.

First private manned spaceflight.

Winner of the X Prize.

Oh, my God, are those your dads?

Seriously, same-sex partners
make excellent parents.

I so wish my parents were gay.

When did 20 start
to look like 12?

Oh, man.

Yes, of course
I'll work my hardest.

Mom, how can I work
harder than my hardest?

That's physically impossible...

Okay, okay, I-I will.

Yes, I love you... Mom.

Billy McMahon, Billy McMahon.
- Nice to meet you.

How are you?

Oh, I'm gonna grab
some food over here.

You okay?
- Get something. I'm good.

You all right if I leave you?
- Yeah.

This stuff looks good, huh?

Little pick-me-up.
- Excuse me. Sir.

Graham Hawtrey.
- Oh.

Billy McMahon.
- I'm so thrilled to be here.

Oh, me, too.

Feels kind of like the first day

of spring training
for Little League here.

I got to tell you, I feel like
I got a few more clicks

on the old odometer
than most of you kids here.

Well, honestly,
that's why I came over here.

I said to myself,
"Graham, there's a man

"with some life experience.

Probably teach you
a thing or two."

Oh, you got to meet
my friend, Nicky.

You'll love him. Nicky!

Nickelodeon!
Come over here!

Come over.

Come meet this guy, Graham.

He's in the internship
program with me and you.

Hey. How you doing?
- Good.

You're interns?
- Yes.

Shut up!
- Deal with it.

Shut the fuck up.
- Deal with it.

But you're so old, though.

Whoa. Excuse me?

Oh, my God, I feel terrible!
I feel so stupid.

No, don't be. We're excited.
- No, it's fine.

- No, I feel terrible. I feel terrible.
- No. For what?

I just, you know, um...
I thought you were important.

Oh, shit.

I've got to find some people
who actually matter,

but good luck!

Wh-Why did you bring me over
to introduce me to this guy?

It's like he was
your best friend.

You introduced me to Hitler.

Well, he seemed like
he was sweet at first.

My name is Roger Chetty.

And I am head
of the Google Intern Program.

Welcome to Google.

This will not be
your average internship.

Oh, no.

You will do what we do.

And we will watch
how well you do it.

Now, you represent
the finest schools.

Your intelligence,
your achievement is well noted,

but to excel at this internship,

you're going to need
far more than brainpower.

What you're going to need
is Googliness.

Nothing funny.

Googliness.

The intangible stuff
that made a search engine

into an engine for change.

Now, you will be
divided into teams,

and by the end of the summer,

only one team will be guaranteed
a full-time position.

The other 95% of you will not.

Now, you've been split up
into several seminars

to acquaint you
with our campus and culture.

Seminar descriptions have been
e-mailed to each of you.

I would wish you luck,
but it's not luck that you need.

Get to work!

Well, this ain't gonna be about

getting coffee
and running errands for people.

No, no.

We're looking at some sort
of mental Hunger Games

against a bunch of genius kids
for just a handful of jobs.

That's why we got
to nail this thing.

This is our opening statement.

If it please the court.

Oh, it pleases
the court, counselor.

Okay, Workplace Seminar.

Still a few seats left.

First impression time, baby.

Bingo!

Okay, we can do good in this.

We have to do...
- Shazam!

So close yet so far, boys.

Whoa! Graham, Graham,
we were here first.

You know what?

You're right.

You guys could use the advantage.

Go ahead.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that in a world
of excellence,

old and unexceptional
qualifies as diversity.

So you know what?
Go ahead.

What's that saying?

"Age before beauty"?

Thank you.

You're welcome, William.

You know, there's always
some joker

who likes to play fuck-around.

I guess that's
gonna be you, Graham.

All right, at least we know.
Game on.

Good luck, boys.

Now, I recognize that Google
is not a conventional workplace.

Having said that, we have rules.

I'm going to ask you
a series of questions.

You are going to raise
the green paddle

to indicate "yes"
and the red paddle

to indicate "no."

So, let's begin.

"Having a beer
with your boss."

Some of you are under 21.

Some of us aren't under 21, so...

if you want to grab
a cold one with me,

I'm happy to do that with you.

I will not be grabbing
a cold one with you.

You get high?

I don't get high.
- Okay.

I'm not judging;
I'm just saying,

people do it.

That being said, if you want

something cold to drink,
we'll hook you up.

I'm okay.

Thank you; Just
stop talking to me.

I'm your Bill Holden
in Stalag 17.

I don't even... I really
don't get that reference.

Google it.
- Got it.

"Dating a fellow intern."

Chetty, excuse me.
What about a full-time employee?

Say, management level,
but not a direct supervisor.

Great eyes,
and a severity to her look

that is surprisingly sexy.

What's the policy on that?

No? That's frowned upon also?

So we'll say no to love?

We'll say no to love, yes.

That's gonna be a no.
- Now,

"taking food home
from the office."

Boom.

Yes.

Are you having
difficulty with this,

Mr. McMahon?
- I'm sorry.

Just to drill down on this,
what if it's,

like, a perishable?
Like, say there was

a pudding or something
that was left out.

You'd like to take home
a pudding, would you?

I wouldn't mind taking home
a pudding; I don't...

I don't know who wouldn't.
- Oh, yeah.

But that being said,
I'm just saying if it's gonna

go bad, is that okay to take-take it home?
- Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Anything else
you'd like to take home?

Only if there was, let's say,
salsa or chips.

You know,
something that's not wrapped.

Salsa, chips and pudding.

Or sushi.

Salsa, chips, pudding and sushi.

Anything else?
- Ice cream.

Salsa, chips, pudding,
sushi and ice cream.

Pizza.
- Salsa, chips, pudding,

sushi, ice cream and pizza.

I wouldn't take home
a frozen pizza,

but if there was a nice pie

that was out...
- Oh, boy.

I am truly impressed,
Mr. McMahon.

Thank you.
- At the both of you.

At how quickly you have
confirmed my doubts about you.

Now, let's try this

one more time.

"Taking food home
from the office."

Very good.

Ladies and gentlemen,
that is all.

Well, I'm not gonna dress it up.

Today didn't go well.

Yeah.

It certainly wasn't
the first impression

we were looking for.

But here's the deal.

Tomorrow is
the pick teams day, right?

Which makes it
all the more important

for us to fall in
with a strong team.

If we can surround ourselves

with the right group
of these little geniuses,

we still got a shot here.

Nicky,

we can coattail this bitch.

You're right, and by the way,
there's no shame in that.

No.
- There's no shame

in being the 12th man
at the end of the bench

who's never getting in the game,

but he's got a lot of enthusiasm.

Right.
- He's waving the towel,

he's doling out high fives
during time-outs.

Exactly.

Because I'll tell you
about that guy.

When the team wins
the championship,

he still gets a ring.

Damn right he does.

So we got to be
that awkward seven-footer

from Lithuania.

I love your spirit.

Look, I love you like a brother,

but I can't have those cold clams

brushing up against me
in the bed here at night.

Keep me up all night.
- Okay, suit yourself.

I'm gonna give you the bed;
I'll take her tomorrow.

Can you hit that light,
Pocahontas?

Tomorrow's a new day.

Welcome to day two. I am Sid,

eighth-year Googler.

You guys are new Googlers;

Thus you're... Nooglers.

- Okay.

Now, this place is all about
community and collaboration.

So you'll be working in teams

from here on out. All right.

You have five minutes.

Pick your teams.

You, on me.

Oh, now, be picky, okay?

Play hard to get.

Don't be desperate;
Just be cool, okay?

This is everything.

Are you still looking
for someone?

I could be your teammate.
- College, major, S.A.T. score?

Um, Harvard,
computer science, 2390.

Fine. On me, Fatface.

Uh, my name's Zach, not...

You?
- University of...

No.

My name's not Fat...

Hello, Stanford.
You're coming with me.

The University of Phoenix online.

Sort of considered
the Harvard of the West.

Why don't we all be a team?

Why don't we all be a team?

Why don't we all be a team?

Can I just get...
Oh, please don't touch me.

Please,
you-you're touching me.

Blondie, you're coming with me

on account
of your physical appearance.

Does anyone want to...
want to be on a team with me?

Super fun.

Really smart, but also very fun.

I was voted "most likely to
succeed" in my chess club.

Um, Mr. Chetty?

I don't have a group.

You'll mentor the leftovers.

Which, it would seem,
would include

your two charity cases.

Nice.
- Off you go.

Go.

Yo, Billy and Nick?

- Hey. - Hi.
- Nice, there they are.

Nice to meet you.
I'm Lyle,

one of the team
managers. Pound me.

Oh, normally,
just putting the-the fist out

without the words
is all that's necessary.

Come on, bro, fist me;
Get up in there.

Yeah,
that's definitely not right.

I-I'm sorry,
you said you were a-a manager?

How old are you?

I'm 23, but no worries, fellas.

I'm an old soul.
- Yeah, that's great.

Um, yeah, well,
the thing about it is, pal,

is that, um, we don't have a...
well, we have two... me and...

me and Nick... but we don't have
the rest of our team.

We didn't...
- But we figured...

you didn't have a team,

but you got one now, son.

'Cause I got a few outliers.

Buh-bam, ker-plash, zshaw!

And we about to get it all good
up in this hood, right?

Outliers?

Outliers, 'cause I just dropped
a little G-well on you.

'Cause Malcolm's my dog,
Malcolm's my dog.

What you say...
Malcolm's my dog.

Outliers, you know,
from 10,000 hours?

Look, let's get
a team meeting going, everybody!

Come on, team meet time.

Nick?
- Wonder Twin powers activate!

- What other options do we have?
- Let's go, everybody!

Come on, you're with me!
You're with me.

Uh...
- My team, corner pocket.

All right, let's get some
meet and greet going

up in this heezy.

I'm Lyle,
and it's pretty much WYSIWYG...

"what you see is what you get."

I've been here at the Goog
for four years,

working on seven projies

en este momento.

Wow, seven projects?

Hey, they ask, and I do's it.

What can I say,
I'm a people pleaser,

especially the ladies.

My Mercedes.

So it's all good
in Lyle's hood, you heard?

Uh, yeah, is Lyle always

gonna be referring to himself
in the third person?

'Cause if he is, I might want
to punch Lyle in the face.

Okay, tough but fair.

Good note.

Lyle's still a little nervous.
Shh...

Uh, first-time manager;
Lyle's a first-time...

I'm gonna stop doing that.
I'm gonna cut it out.

Keep it to first
and second person.

Who's next?

My name is Yo-Yo Santos.

Yo-Yo, how about a high five?

Whoa.
- Whoa.

Yo-Yo, easy, buddy.
I come in peace.

Geez, Yo-Yo,
did you get

beat up a lot in school?

I was homeschooled by my mom.

Did you get beat up

a lot in homeschool?

Discipline is a very
important part of growth.

But my mother was actually

a very nurturing person.

For example, she
provided me selflessly

with the milk of her bosom

until I was seven years old.

So it's like, uh,

you're tying your shoe,
you're climbing trees,

you're blowing up fireworks,
and then you're right on Mom.

You got mouth on Mom.

Breast-feeding leads
to a higher IQ.

Okay. Actually, the science

isn't quite definitive on that.

I was bottle-fed.

It never slowed me down.

Vitamins are vitamins,

whether they come
from a teat or a baba.

Wrong.

Sorry, what was that?

Wrong.

The teat or baba thing,
it's wrong.

I just Googled it,
so you're wrong.

Oh, yeah, I'm Stuart.

Well, it's a pleasure

to meet you, Stu.
You know, you can't trust

everything you read on the...

The Journal of the American
Medical Association?

Sounds pretty trustworthy.

It says that breast milk

has more nutrients

and that those nutrients

are more easily
digested and absorbed.

Your confusion
is understandable, though.

You were bottle-fed.

He's right. That's right.

Whoa, guys,

where's all this hostility
coming from?

Where do you think
it's coming from, you big tree?

Two fifths of our team are

made up of two old guys
who don't know shit.

Wow.

Okay, guys, I, for one,

am very happy to have

two strapping, mature
gentlemen on the team.

Thank you.

Oh, uh,

I'm Neha Patel, and oh, my God,

you guys would make
the best Luke and Han.

Excuse me?

Oh, Star Wars cosplay.

Cosplay?
- Costume play.

You know, where people dress up

as their favorite anime
or movie character?

I'd be slave girl Leia.

Yeah, metal bikini top,
metal G-string panty,

high-heel leather boots.

Of course,
I'm chained at the neck.

Not too constricted,

but just enough
to make things interesting.

The neck constriction's
interesting?

Yeah, a few of us

get together and...

whatever happens, happens.

Oh, uh,

but work-wise, yeah, um,

your skills
aren't really relevant here

or really in this millennium,
so stay out of our way.

We're gonna do this shit
on our own.

Well, I'm loving this friction.

You know why? Because that's
how you get a fire started.

I'm Nick;
This is my pal, Billy,

and despite what you may think,

uh, we're here
like the rest of you,

just running down a dream.

All right.

Team Lyle!

No, okay, we'll workshop that.

It's in beta.

Okeydoke.

Our Translate lecture
is in 15 minutes.

Translate is about giving
everyone access

to every word ever written,

no matter what language
it was written in,

because when the entire
world can see, read

and find the rest of
the world's cool stuff,

- good things start happening.
- Lyle,

you laying-in-the-weeds
son of a bitch.

You're hot for teacher, my man.

I took her dance class here once,

but she doesn't even know
I exist.

What are you talking about?

"Doesn't know you exist"?

Come on, you're communicating
with her right here.

What's this thing?

Oh, no, this is just
the company intranet.

It's got info
on every Google employee

like birthdays, trivia,
meeting calendars, everything.

Really?

Hmm.

Oh, hey, fancy seeing you here.

Is it?

Or maybe you calendar-stalked me
and you knew exactly

where I was gonna be right now.

Now, am I detecting
a bit of an accent?

You are.

Uh-huh,
I have a very good ear.

English, right? 'Ello, guvna.

Oliver Twist,
"more bread, please, sir."

Australian, actually.

Really?
Similar flags, though.

Hey, Dana.
- Kiwi.

Lord of the Rings country.

Okay, the stain
on this one's better,

but the white one may be a goner.

Okay, thanks.

I eat very fast.

Bangers and mash.

That's also British.

Vegemite sandwich, then,

which I'm sure you
gobble down very quickly

so you can get back to the grind.

I mean, it is impressive
staying at work till midnight

every day...
also on the calendar.

Look, Nick,

I'm sure you're very popular

with the 19-year-olds
at the University of Phoenix,

with your Southern drawl,
and the blond hair,

and this whole thing
you got going on,

but I got to tell you,
this is just never gonna happen.

"This"? What?

I mean, it's...

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

This is me reaching out
as an intern.

They've encouraged us

to approach experienced Googlers

and just pick their brains.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Of course.

You thought I was just...

"Oh, who's this wanker
just steaming in?"

You just want to learn.
You want to learn.

Well, look, Sid here,
he's incredible.

He's about to give a talk
on HTML5.

Okay.
- Nick is desperate to learn.

He'd love to come along.

Yeah.
- Let's make it happen.

Yeah, sure.

Okay, well...
- Come on down, brother.

Sometimes we go
all day, all night.

Well, I can't start any sooner
than right now.

Let's do it.

Cool, let's rock.
- Come on, everybody; Here we go.

Now, wait, where are you going?

Oh, I have a meeting.

But you know that.

Cheerio.

Cheerio.

Let's go.

Come on, don't be shy.

You have a crush on her,
my friend.

Good morning, interns.

Today marks the first
of several challenges

through which your team
will show their merits.

While internally dogfooding
a new product,

a number of Googlers reported

a bug that disabled their audio.

All two million lines

of that code
are in the source files.

Find the bug.

Okay, we should check
the user reports.

Scan the logs for any red flags.

See what exceptions were thrown.

I always start
by drawing up strategies

to sift through the code.

Code, right? Code, right? Codes.
- Right?

Uh...
- So at the end of the day, we're looking

to kind of break the
password here, right?

Maybe the answer's
in the question.

Maybe it's something with bug.
- Eureka.

Bug like fly.
The Fly.

Is Chetty a cinephile?

Goldblum.
- Goldblum!

Boggles my mind
that no one has a notebook out.

You guys are focused
on writing this gibberish.

Maybe that's helpful,
maybe it's not,

but I guarantee you
what we're saying is helpful.

Guys, we're looking for a bug, not a password.
They're different things.

Keep going
with that human connection.

Oh, geez, you know what?
- You had it.

We'll go on fly,
'cause that's where we're at,

and we're flying it; We're right there.
- Fly, fly.

I know we're buzzing around it.
- I like that.

Zzz, Y-L-F.

And it's a word scramble,
and it's life.

For some reason, I can't
get "fly" out of my mind,

and now I'm going Lopez,
Jennifer Lopez.

Is it a fly girl?
- "Superfly."

Pop fly? Uh, excavation.

Earthquakes, California.
- That's it! Write that down!

Where? Where?
- Do it, do it, write it down, type it in.

What am I doing?
- Would you please stop?

No, we're working.
- No, we're working.

Yeah, and that's a Sharpie,
by the way, genius.

That's my fault.

Go ahead and wash that.

Look, guys, I'm sorry,
but you're not helping.

You're just saying
a lot of words really fast

that mean nothing.

To find the bug, we need
to scan the user logs

and review the code until we
find the programmer's mistake.

It's the only way.

Except what if it's not
the only way?

Go. - Okay, you said that
someone programmed it.

That means some person

in this building wrote that code.
- A human being.

Let's just give him a name
and call him Tony.

Tony.
- Let's say Tony likes kayaking.

Kayak.
- All of a sudden, me and Nick become friends

with Tony; We're throwing
a few beers back.

We're doing a little kayaking
with my main man, Tony.

Tony's bombed on the open water.

Next thing you know,

we start gabbing
about audio bugs.

Yeah, I actually think
it's a great idea.

Good, great!
- Finally!

Dark and stormy, feeling us.

Yeah, no,
feeling you big-time, buddy.

Terrific.
- You know what, in fact, why don't the two

of you guys right now
go and find the programmer.

Great. Great idea.

Yo-Yo, who's our man?

His name is Charles Xavier.

Charles Xavier.
- Perfect. Nick, write this down.

Steel trap.
- Uh, he's a professor.

At Stanford.

Yeah, just a few
minutes away, really.

Guys...
- And he's in a wheelchair.

Got it, Stanford, wheelchair.

What else?
- Uh, oh, he's bald.

Might be with his best friend
who wears a metal helmet.

Wears a fitted suit.
- He looks like a geneticist.

More, more, more, more.
Go on, hit us, hit us.

Has a British accent.
- British? With my ear, we're done.

Okay, keep searching;
Think fly, think bug.

I promise you, somehow,

this intersects with Goldblum.
- Billy!

Let's get a move on.
- Goldblum, of course.

All right, back to work, guys.

Hey, Professor, what up!

Professor Charles Xavier?

Very funny.

British.
Listen, Professor Xavier,

sorry to bother you. If we could
just talk to you for...

Gentlemen,
I don't have time for his.

Okay, Professor Xavier,

we know that it's you,

and listen,
we really need your help.

All right, you-you found me out.

I am Charles Xavier,

and that's Cyclops,

and Rogue.

We're all here.

Now, come closer.

I want to share some

of my telekinetic wisdom
with you.

Well, I want you to share
with me,

'cause I want to know
about these bugs.

Assholes!

Oh, you maniacal monster!

Professor Xavier is a total dick!

Yo to the yo.

Where are we at on ensuring
it wasn't a networking issue?

Confirmed there
was no packet lost.

Almost done checking
on whether the encryption

had the wrong certificate.

I'm sorry, "almost"?

Uh, you're either done
or you're not.

You can't be almost pregnant.

Yeah, hey, she would know, guys.

You know what, why don't you
Google "asshole," asshole?

She's right.
It's not good enough.

Get it together, Yo-Yo.

What the fuck was that?

I was punishing myself
for my inferior performance.

Well, that's good.

That's great.
We got crazy over here

and crazy horny over here.
- Oh, let me guess.

Big dick 'cause... little dick?
- Did your mind

just immediately go
to a penis joke?

Is that, like, all you...
- Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Was that not witty enough
for you?

Because I'm too busy working.

No, yeah, that's fine.
I just want you

to acknowledge the fact that
I'm winning the quip-off.

That's what you're worried
about right now?

Yes, that's really
what I'm worried about.

So you're more concerned
with snarky banter

than actually winning?
- Yeah.

The deadline's at
the end of the week, so...

Hey, hey.

You guys find Professor Xavier?

Yeah, we found him.

Yeah, thanks so much for that.

That's, uh...

really great team spirit.

Mind sliding over here?

I'm sorry.

It really doesn't look like
there's enough room for you.

Have a great lunch.

Yeah, enjoy it.

Okay, let's see here.

Let's see.

See anything?
- Oh, there's an opening.

- Is that taken? Okay.
- It's taken.

Let's go over here.

Hi, Headphones.
You mind if we sit here?

I think we can take that

as a "yes."
- All right.

We're gonna have to
at this point.

How you doing, bud?

He doesn't even know we exist.

He's like some kind
of a superhero on this computer.

Look at him;
He's just crushing his thing

and kicking ass.

Do you remember what it felt like

to be that good at something?

Look at this!

William.

Nicholas.

Person I don't know.

Figured I'd find you
at the cool kids' table.

It's like a confederacy
of outcasts out here.

Heard you had a day trip to, uh,

Palo Alto?

Home of Silicon Valley and
also the X-Men, apparently.

Where are you going
with this, Graham?

Oh, I just wanted
to let you guys know,

we won the bug challenge.

What are you gonna do
about it, boys?

I wouldn't worry if I was you
about what we're gonna do

or what we're not gonna do;
We're gonna be just fine.

You're gonna be fine?
All right.

Keep telling yourself that.

See you all-stars
at the intramural fields

for the next challenge I'll win.

Sports. Something
we know about, baby.

Something we know
a lot about, baby.

Come on, now.
- Look at me.

For real.

All right, teams,
welcome to the Quidditch pitch.

Let's have a good,
clean match, Nooglers.

Fatty, don't touch the ball.

Okay, rules. The Beaters toss
the Bludgers at the Chasers

before they can get the Quaffle
through the three rings.

No blagging, no blatching,
no bumphing, no haversacking.

I don't want to see
any Quaffle-pocking.

No Imperius curses,
no Confundus charms.

In the unlikely event
of a Dementor attack,

use a Patronus charm.

I recommend the stag,
but that's a personal decision.

Lyle, Lyle, Lyle,
these beautiful idiots

have no idea
what you're talking about.

Use your Muggle words.
Come on.

Come on, Lyle,
you're making me feel

like I'm back in
math class, okay?

You got a couple savants here
with eye-hand coordination.

Just say "game on"
and let us play.

Fair enough; Version 2.0.

Peg them with the kick balls

before they throw the volleyball

through the hoop.

Brooms in, people.

Hufflepuff on three.

One, two, three...

Hufflepuff!

Yeah, son!

Yeah, let's get it.

All right, game time.

Let's get Huff-tarded in here.

No mercy! No mercy!

Tips down!

Blue team, ready?

Ready!

Red team, ready?

Bangarang!

Brooms up!

Ball!

All right, slam it!

Nice.
- Yeah!

Yeah!

Ten points blue.

Billy, Billy, talk to me!

What do I do?
- What are we doing?

How do I do it?
- It's chaos!

Come on, you got it.

Billy, I'm lost.

Just hit them, hit them!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what's happening?

Lyle!

What the hell was that?

Why don't you try looking up
and giving a shit, man?

- Come on!

I can't take this! What am I
supposed... Come get me.

Who do I hit?

No, no!
- Come get hit.

Who wants to fight?

I want somebody to hit!

Get the broom
between the legs, folks.

My bad. Let's go, let's go.

Lesson learned, lesson learned,
lesson learned.

What the fuck does this have
to do with computers?

I'm winning.
- Stop.

Don't move, fatty.

Blue, ten points.

Ball!

Thank you.

What?! What?!

Time-out.

Time!

Bring it in, guys.
Come on, let's huddle up.

Good work, everybody.

Everybody except for you, Zach.

It's over.
- Yeah, our team's a joke.

Well, I ain't laughing.

What about you, Billy?

Hell, no.

Listen, we need to
get our minds right

and start believing.

This reminds me of a little girl

who had to get her head right

and start believing,

a little girl from a steel town

who had the dream to dance.

No one believed
in that little welder girl,

but thank God she believed
in herself.

Are you talking about Flashdance?

The movie from the '80s?

Yeah, you're damn right I am.

That's exactly what
I'm talking about.

Got it.
- The deck was stacked

against Alex, and you know
how she overcame those odds?

By believing in
herself and trying.

She literally had
to become a maniac.

Have any of you ever
been called a maniac?

Maybe because you were

a little bit different?

My mom calls me a maniac

every night when I tell her
I love her.

Of course she does, Yo-Yo.

You are a little bit,
in a good way.

Well, guess what.

That old Bill Gates,

they called him a maniac, too.
- No question.

Yeah, I don't think anyone
ever called him a maniac.

I just called him a maniac.
- Okay, damn it, guys.

You guys are getting off the point here.
- You're right.

She had to strip down to nothing.

She had to sit in that chair
and arch her back,

and she pulled
a chain to nowhere,

and doused herself with water.

Yeah, where did that
water come from?

Who knows?
- It came from her belief

that it was there.

She believed so hard she
found herself with an audition

in front of those stuffed shirts
at the dance school,

and she spun...
oh, and she spun and she spun

and she spun and she spun

and she spun herself into
that dance school.

And she spun herself
into our hearts.

Now,

in the second half

of whatever the hell
you guys call this game,

can't we all be
that little welder girl

who wants to be something more?

Now, look, I know you
guys aren't excited

that we're on your team,
but we're here.

Guys, we're in
this thing together.

So I'm asking you,
believe in yourselves,

believe in each other.

Let's put on our leg warmers,

and let's dance our asses off.

Come here, you little
lovable maniacs. Get in here.

All right, now, I got an idea
that I think would make

- Bear Bryant smile.
- No idea

who that is, but we're listening.

Let's go!

Stuart!

Neha!

Lyle, hit me!

Got it, got it, got it, got it!

Yeah!

Baby!

Blind her! I'm going in!

Yeah!

- Yes!

Yo-Yo!

- Yeah!
- Eat it, Malfoy! Suck it!

See ya!

Coming at you, Nick!

Yeah!

Who's on Blondie?

All right, let's go, boys.

Okay.

Pick and roll.

Stockton to Malone!

She shoots, she scores, baby!

Baby, what's up?!
- Yeah!

Tie game!

Where were you? Huh?

I had to use the
restroom. I'm sorry.

It's the Golden Snitch!

Who the fuck is this now?

Zach, get over here.

All right, Fatface, I think
it's time to fake an injury.

I don't know how
to fake an injury.

Man down.

Get the tennis ball and we win!

Run, you big tree!

- Aah!
- Go!

Come on, ref,
you gonna call that?!

Yeah! Yeah!

You can't be serious.
That bitch just snaked me.

That's got to be illegal.

Sorry, if I didn't see it,
I can't call it.

You okay there, Golden Boy?

Yeah, the Snitch is fine.

G.D. it!

Don't start that, Yo-Yo.

You did your best

out there today.
That's the first time

we all came together as a team.

Goddamn it, Billy's right.

Let's keep it rolling.

Just keep it rolling.

Come on, let's get a frosty.

Nick?
- Yeah?

Would I be wrong
to call you my brother?

Of course not.
I'd do anything

for my little show pony.

Look at me. Anything.

I'm gonna need you
to ice my balls for me.

Brother!

Oh, boy.

Time to shut the engines down
for a little bit and...

take a load off, Nicky.

Oh, boy. What would I do

without these babies?
- This is a "shh" zone.

Hi. Hey.

Sorry.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

By the way, thank you
for sending me to that seminar.

It was actually
pretty interesting.

Really?

Absolutely.

What have you been up to?

I'm gonna go.

No, no, no, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

You were here first;
I'll leave.

Sorry.

Uh, one thing before I go;
Quick question.

If I was to invite someone out

to a really nice dinner
around here, where would I go?

Um...

I wouldn't know, actually.

I spend most of my time
on campus.

What?! That's criminal!

Has it occurred to you that
I work hard for a reason?

Hmm? This may
sound silly

to you, but I actually
believe that what we do here

helps make people's lives
a little bit better.

No, no, no. I-I'm not
saying that sounds silly.

I think it's
admirable. I agree.

I'm just saying that sometimes

with all the work,
that you can...

forget about the person
that matters the most.

Is this a nap pod or a convo pod?

Oh, that's right...
it's a nap pod.

Shh!
- Yikes.

I know
where you're going with this.

Where?
- You think I'm some

30-year-old exec who's devoted

her entire life to her career.

Right? And one day
I'm gonna wake up wanting more.

Stop me if I'm off base here.

No?
- Well, no...

What else does your
intuition tell you?

That, um, I can't go
on Facebook anymore

because it's nothing but
happy couples gloating

about their perfect little
babies in those tiny socks

that look like goddamn sneakers?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
the little Chuck Taylors.

Only I'm ten years
too late, right?

Because while I've been working

so hard, I missed out
on all the bad dates

and the assholes,
and now I'm running out of time.

No one told me
it was a game of musical chairs.

And by the time I figured it out,

you know, you can forget it,
it's too late.

Yeah.

Anyway...

anyway... is that kind of
what you were gonna say to me?

Well, no, I was gonna suggest
that you work harder,

that you roll up your sleeves,

that you buckle down
and you get to work.

You can't change the world
when you're laying in a nap pod.

No, but honestly,

if any of what
you were just saying

applies even slightly
to yourself, you might want

to think about doing
something about it.

And that's not me

preaching at you;
That's coming from someone who,

when they wake up, the first
thing on their calendar

is regret.

Now, that's not a good feeling.

Anyway, I should go.

Thank you!

But before I go...
- Ah, geez!

Just bear with me.
I want to throw down

a challenge for you

to go out to dinner
before I leave town.

I'll let you know if a window opens up.
- Great.

And if it does,
don't minimize it.

Don't click that little red "X"

in the corner.

See? I'm getting it.

I get it.

Okay.

Shh. Go back to sleep.

Hey, Chetty.

Pretty good effort on the, uh,
Quidditch field yesterday,

huh?

It was a game throwing balls,
and you lost.

Yeah, but we really rallied
the second half, I think.

Uh, kind of a spiritual
victory for us.

Well, perhaps you'll land
a spiritual job.

You know, Mr. McMahon,
the admissions committee

was split on you;
You made it by one vote.

That deciding member
thought you showed promise.

It's clear now

that... he was wrong.

Sometimes the long shots
pay off the biggest.

Enjoy your pudding.

I will.

Oh, and, Chetty?

Not for nothing,

can't get me not to like you.

All right, guys,
let's take this new team spirit,

and let's apply it to this next
app challenge. We got this.

Yo, it'd help
if we had an idea for an app.

You bet your sweet ass
it would, Stewie. No.

Never Stewie.
- Okay, you don't like "Stewie."

Perimeter breach
acknowledged, Stuart.

It'll feel good when
this one warms up to me.

You know it's gonna
happen, right?

I'll break you down like
a two-by-four, bronco.

Watch me do it.

Okay, come on, guys,

let's brainstorm this puppy.

We're gonna put
the coffee in the pot,

and we're gonna let it
percolate. Let's go!

I think it'll be
helpful to explore

what apps have been
most popular in the past.

Go.
- Go backwards to go forwards.

Oh, and we can bin it, you know?
- Fall out.

Uh, categorize needle-movers
by type of user.

- You're gonna do what?
- There you go, Neha.

Hit it both by function
and by user.

The old two-prong. You're
on the forest moon of Endor,

taking out the shield generator,
and you're launching

an offensive with Admiral Ackbar.

It's not a trap.

All right, guys, I don't want to
kill the momentum, or the mojo

that you have cooking,
but to be fair with you,

needles and categories,
they don't use apps.

People use apps.

So I have an idea...

nowadays, people are
taking pictures, right?

They have their phones now;
They're out.

Something catches their eye,
they want to take it.

But then the photo's just
sitting there... what if they

take that photo
and instantaneously

put it out there on the line

and they share it
with their friends?

That's Instagram.
It already exists.

It's one of the most
popular apps in the world.

Facebook bought 'em for, like, a billion dollars.
That's "billion" with a "B."

Oh, no, no. Mine is
very different than that.

Because, in mine, you're taking
the photo instantaneously,

you're putting the photo
out there on the line.

on the line
and I'm creating an exchange.

Yeah, that's Instagram.
- But mine's more

of a social sharing
on the line that's happening.

- Online.
- Quick interjection.

When you keep saying "on
the line," you do mean "online"?

Stuart, don't do that.
You don't do that to a man.

He's got a million-dollar idea
right here.

Billion-dollar idea.
- Even better. Let him flow.

Nick, I appreciate it.
You can't bring me down.

I'm too positive. Come here,
let me share something with you.

No. - Please, come. I'm
gonna explain this

to you in a way that's visual.

He's bigger
than you. Be careful.

So, now you're out there,
take a photo.

Just a pretend one.
Go ahead.

Now you take that photo,
you put it on the line,

Online.
- ...put it on Twitter, you put it on whatever you want.

That is Instagram.

That's Instagram.
- Hundred percent.

I get it. We're hip.
- We're not dummies.

Point taken. Now let's
go with my concept.

Now you've taken a
photo instantaneously,

or not instantaneously,

and then you take those
and you send those out

on the line.

Online.
- You don't have to say shit.

You don't. You just say,

"I like that photo,"
and you share that photo

instantaneously on the line

- Online.
- With your friends.

Now everyone's exchanging ideas.

Everyone's exchanging photos!

And that's why the photos

that are being shared on the line...
- Online.

Will be known as
"Exchangeagram."

Nice!
- Holy shitballs, Billy!

We don't have time for this.

Hello, fellow interns!
Graham Hawtrey here.

I've taken the liberty

of attaching a link
to our app, which has

already been downloaded
230 times. Booyah!

Great.

We're gonna lose
yet another challenge,

we're not gonna get these jobs,

and our lives
are basically ruined.

Okay, hold on a sec.
Your life isn't ruined.

You guys are 21 years old.

You have your whole life
in front of you.

Do you even know what it's
like to be 21 right now?

I mean, a quarter of the kids

coming out of college
can't even get jobs.

That's a correct statistic.
Mother says

you can work hard and go
to the right school,

but nothing
is guaranteed anymore.

That's life. Sorry.

These guys are right.

The whole American Dream thing
that you guys grew up on,

that's all it is
nowadays... a dream.

You're too young
to be this cynical.

Do you really see
the world this way?

That's not how we see it.

It's just...
the way things are now.

All right, that's it.

Everybody up.
Here we go.

Let's do it.
Breath-of-fresh-air time.

Why? We have
work to do.

No, no, no.
- Uh-huh. Ah-ah!

Time to hit the reset button.

Yeah.
- We're taking it to the street.

We're gonna get our heads
right, 'cause we need

to come together as a team,
'cause that's not happening.

What about the app?
- This is bigger than an app.

Okay, and by the way,
we do have something

pretty terrific in our back
pocket with that Exchangeagram.

Just let it marinate.
- Oh, we're holding four aces.

Stop saying no before
you give it a chance.

- Oh, yeah, that's a winner.
- Here we go.

Time to light it up forever

and never go to sleep.
- Let's go.

Can we talk about this
"online, on the line" thing?

- Please?
- We're gonna follow the morons?

Eh...

Oh, xi?xie!

My friend here says there's

a dance club down the street
that's supposed to be great.

You're shitting me.
- No, I shit you not.

Come on, let's hit it.

Are you sure
he said "dance club"?

You know, I was rocking Mandarin,

he was rocking Cantonese...
something clearly got confused

in the middle, but I say,
boom goes the dynamite.

Happy accident, right?

Show you to your table?

Great big world
out there, my friend.

Just three inches up, I beg you.

Yeah.

Any questions?

Oh... wow.

Holy...

shit, that's deep.

All right, I think
that's our cue. Here we go.

- Okay.
- Great. Deal with it. - Yes.

Come on! Whoo!
- This is... this is good.

I mean, it's totally cool.

It's great.

You okay there, firecracker?

What? Yeah. Totally.
- All right.

What? This...
this is my jam.

I mean, this... this here is my shit.
- No, look, I know

this is your shit,
but look, if you don't

want to be here,
I'll go grab those guys

by their little boners,
and we'll drag them,

we'll all go back on the bus.

Yeah, we can...
- No, no, no, don't do that, don't do that.

It's just, um...

I've only read
about this stuff, okay?

Craigslist casual encounters.
Twilight fan fiction. Hentai.

What's Hentai?

Japanese comic books
where the women

get penetrated
by octopus tentacles.

Oh. Ah.
- Look,

it's just...

I have imagined... everything.

It's just I've...
I've never done... anything.

Hey, listen,

your secret's safe with us.

And for what it's worth,

your imagination is so wild,

reality's gonna be a breeze,
if not a letdown.

Thanks.

Show you to your table, cutie?

Get in here!

- Let's go!
- It's about time

- this group had a night.
- Let the good times roll!

- Bingo...!
- Here you go!

Bottoms up, Yo-Yo.
- Oh, I-I can't.

I-I can't.

What?
You're 21, right?

Yeah, but my mom says alcohol
numbs the brain.

Look, I'm not saying
a shot of tequila's

the first step on the
journey to self-respect,

but goddamn, maybe it's a
step in the right direction.

Maybe?

Your call.

One shot.

Whoo! All right! That-a-boy!
- One shot!

Yeah!
- Bang it, Yo!

Let's go, baby!
- Yeah! That's it, baby!

To the night you'll
never remember!

Yeah!
- He's getting down, people!

One more!

Look what we got
cooking here. Ready?

Exchangeagram moment, bitches!

Ready for your first
lap dance, professor?

Are you kidding?
Yo-Yo stays ready.

That way, he doesn't have

to get ready.
- This is Tapioca.

She's studying
to be a dental assistant.

Enjoy!

- It happens all the time.

Some would say it's the point.

It's all good.

You might want to double up
on the underwear next time.

I got to tell you,

the reboot time is impressive.

Trifecta.

Cheers, bud.
- Hey, cheers. Cheers.

No way. H-Hi.

Is that your dance
teacher from back at Google?

Go talk to her.

Y-Yeah, for shizzle, you know,

I just go up and I'm, like,

"Y-Yo, you want to join
the Lyle-High Club?"

You know, Lyle, sometimes
the most radical move

is just to be yourself.

And I really like the real Lyle.

Yeah?
- Yeah.

Go on, you're burning daylight.

Let's do this.

Uh, hi.
- Okay, good.

Hi.
- Hi.

Hi.

Hi.
- Hi.

You were really good up there.

I mean, that was
amaz... I...

Not in... not in,
like, a sexual way.

Well, kind of in a sexual way.

It was... you're very talented.

Everything you do is special,

is what I'm saying.

I'm-I'm just...
I'm so embarrassed.

What? You're embar...
Are you kidding?

Now we're even, because dancing

in your class at Google
was one of the most

embarrassing moments of m'life.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I
don't remember anything specifically awful.

Oh, poop. You don't
remem... you don't...

Well, then that means
we're not even, and...

there's only one very
unfortunate way to fix that.

Oh.

Okay, yes, all right,

that is burned in my memory.
You can stop now.

How about I stop...

if and only if...
- Yes?

I can buy you a drink?

I would love that.

Yeah?
- Yeah.

Shots?

Yes. Shots.
- Shots.

I-I love teaching
at Google,

but it's only part-time,
and it doesn't cover

my tuition, so I augment.

No, don't augment;
You look perfect

the way you are.
- Aw.

Thanks.
- Could I get a dance?

Not now.
- Look, bitch, I don't know

who you think this geek is,

but I spend a shitload
of diner in this place

and I expect to nut.

Yeah, I know, I'm totally
a geek, Biff Tannen. Huh?

Who's Biff Tannen?

You're, um, Biff from
Back to the Future, right?

You want to take this outside?
- No, I think I'd rather

stay here and talk
to the pretty girl.

Yeah, well, let's rock, not talk.
- Hey, man...

Stop it.
- Hey, is there a problem here?

It looks like somebody needs
their two way older brothers

to fight for them, huh?

Oh, and it's the
United Colors of Nerd.

Do all you guys work together?

I'm gonna out on a limb
and say it's a tech company.

Free cereal and ugly people?

Oh, whoa! Hey!

Come on, take it easy.

Is this the Jets and the Sharks?

So why don't you guys
head that way,

we'll head this way,
and never the twain shall meet.

Have a great night.

That's a good idea.

My mother hits harder than you!

Yeah! Down goes
Frazier! Whoo!

What's up! Oh, shit!

See you again!
I'll kill you!

Hide your kids!
Hide your wife!

That's how you party!

We're too hot to party...

that's why they
got to kick us out.

'Cause they're gonna
call the fire department.

Why don't you bring it
outside to party?

- No more fun.
- Come on.

Look at that view.

Come on, you're
not gonna see that

on your little
four-inch screen.

- You got to look up.
- Yeah.

Okay, buddy, you were
an animal out there tonight.

Right.
No, you were.

Did you have a good time?

Yeah, it was all right.
- "It was all right."

Why do you do that?

What do you mean?
Do what?

Lowball me like that.

Come on, I'm not
gonna take away your

"cool guy" card if you
admit you give a shit

about something or, God forbid,
you had a great time.

Um...

all right, it was fun.

Stewie...

What?
- Come on.

All right, what?
What do you want me to say,

it was the best night of my life?

Only if it's true.

All right, it was the
best night of my life.

My Noogler!

Come here!
- My Noogler.

Wow, I don't believe there
hasn't been one boyfriend

along the way.
- Nope.

That's embarrassing.

Well, it's nothing
to be embarrassed of.

You got plenty of time for that.

I mean, you're the whole package.

You're beautiful,

you're smart,
you got great teeth.

You do.

Unbelievable chompers on
the old girl, I mean it.

For sure. And, uh...

terrific shoes...
I'm always excited

to see what kind of getup
you're gonna throw together.

That part's true.
- Well, it is true.

A lot of great things going.

Some guy's gonna find
himself very lucky

to be next to you.

Yeah, I'm not so sure.

Well, I am. And I've been
around a little bit.

I'm positive.

Looks like you hit it off
with Saffron tonight.

I'm texting her that I love her,

and I'm sending her
this picture I just took

of little Lyle when
he made pee in the bushes.

Look, he's winking.
No, Lyle, Lyle, Lyle,

that's a horrible idea.

Please don't do that.
You're drunk off your ass.

I appreciate your concern,

but I'm flying, baby.

Okay, Lyle, you're not flying.

What's 17 squared?

289. Why?

Give me a harder
question than that.

You know where I'm
driving with this.

Try, uh, maybe square root of 17.

Like, 4.23, maybe?

That's the app.

That's the app
we should do right there.

What?
- Some quiz question you got to answer

before you can send a drunk text
or a drunk e-mail or phone call,

something to protect you
from yourself.

That's good.
Can we do that?

Hells, yeah, we could do that.
- Are you shitting me?

I could program the shit
out of that bitch

on the bus ride home.
Well, I'll take that

as an overwhelming yes, then!
Come on! Let's roll!

- Let's get back to HQ!
- Hey, wait, wait.

Let's-let's stay, like,
five minutes, you know?

Just enjoy the view
a little more.

All right.

Yeah?

Wow. Yeah.

Oh, the whole world looks like

a giant pinwheel of death
right now.

Price of making memories, Stewie.

I think my liver hurts.

Astonishingly, your app

received ten times more downloads

than any other team's.

It appears that you have won

your first challenge.

How about it?

- Congratulations.
- Oh, yeah!

Come on, baby.
- The lead!

Oh, easy there, big guy.

He gets overexcited.

Lovely.

Let it out.

Let it out, little feller.

That's what I'm
talking about. Right there!

Yeah! Right there!

You got it, you
got it, you got it,

you got it, you got it.

Keep going. Come on.
Come on, Neha.

You got it, you got it.

Logan, I'd have Jean...

Our Professor X was
way meaner than this guy.

- You're not kidding.

It wasn't funny at the time.

So, you see, what I'm
doing right now

is I'm supercharging
my CSS and HTML skills,

'cause you can do them
both simultaneously.

HTML5, right?

That's one step beyond the HTML5
that they mentioned the other day

- with the CSS3, remember?
- No.

Guys, when it comes
to writing code,

you've got your choice
of a number of editors.

Editors such as Emacs,
nano and vi...

What? What does that mean?

Have features
like syntax highlighting

and syntax specific autocomplete.

Any questions?

It occurred to me, why not
use Emacs rather than vi

as the default editor for Ubuntu?

That's actually...
a very good thought, Nick.

Thank you.

Vi versus Emacs
is a constant debate.

Moving on...

Let's talk integrated
personal development.

Sammy.

What, did you forget an insult?

Billy, you magnificent
son of a bitch.

How's unemployment?
Listen.

I want you two
to come work for me.

Sammy, my boy,
I thought you retired.

I did, Nicky, I did,
but I have stumbled

onto King Solomon's Mines,
my friends.

Motorized scooters.

Head down to Modesto.

Start checking out
the old-age homes.

Ah, Sammy, we already
have the gig here.

Whoa, whoa, we-we-we...
we got a new gig.

Yeah, we're interns at Google.

Interns at Google?

Who are you kidding?

You're salesmen.

This is a sales gig.

It's a job.
- Sammy, we've had lots of jobs.

We're trying to build
a future here.

And I'm trying
to get hard on my own,

but the Cialis is a guarantee.

You finish up
with this "internship,"

who knows what's going to happen?

Exactly. Who knows
what's going to happen?

That's what I'm saying.
Why are you repeating

what I'm saying?
- Shh. Time for baby to go night-night.

No. What? You're... Billy, you're cutting out.
- Shh...

That felt great.

You know what? I'll catch up
with you later, okay?

All right.
I'll see you in a bit.

You know, if this
is being a workaholic,

maybe I should get a glass.

I have 15 minutes
until my next meeting.

Okay, well, here's the thing.

You know how we were talking
about regret and...

I remember you talking
about regret.

Well, I don't want to add

"not asking you out"
to that list,

because that credit card
is maxed out.

Okay, so can we establish

you are, in fact,
asking me out on a date?

Yes. And I figure that I'm such
a mountain of mistakes

that going out with me
just once this evening

will be like packing ten years

of bad experiences into,
you know, one night.

Okay. Fine.

Yes?
- I'm saying yes.

Great. Great. Okay.
- I'm in.

All right. Yeah.
- Well, I'll leave you to it.

Okay. Tonight. Yes.
- Good. Okay.

Hello, William.

I've been watching you.

You should choose your words

a little more carefully
in a bathhouse.

In the words of Nelly...

"It's getting hot in herre."

It's getting hot out there, too.

You definitely got my attention.

All right... I'm feeling like
I want to go put my robe on now.

Enough to do
a little research on you.

What did we find out?

Let's see.

Your, uh... your company
was shut down.

Your home was foreclosed upon.

Your credit score
is actually negative.

That's kind of amazing, Billy.

That's hard to do.

You try hard, McMahon.

I'll give you that.

But things never quite
work out for you, do they?

So, I could waste my energy
trying to beat you,

but it seems, given enough time,
you always find a way to fail.

I just need to get
out of your way.

So this is me going.

Only two challenges remain,

after which a mere handful of you

will be offered
full-time employment.

Now, the next challenge
is manning the Google helpline.

This is one of the most
difficult jobs we have...

combining both customer relations

and product fluency.

You will be judged on both.

This is a very tight race
right now.

I suggest you study up.

All right.
Let's drill it and kill it.

Authorization failure
with Google Drive. Neha.

Permission's probably changed.

Request document access.
- Bam!

Chrome connectivity issue.
Nick.

Unselect proxy server
for your LAN.

Nice.

Billy, I'm locked out
of my Google Wallet account.

Is that under Gmail
or Wallet Help?

"Uh, I don't know, sir.

That's kind of what I called you for."
- Right.

Here's the deal. I'm pretty
terrific on the phones.

I could sell prosciutto
to a rabbi, and I have.

Except you're not here
to sell anything.

Yeah, Billy,
you're not going to be able

to bullshit your way
through this one.

I mean, the only way to nail
this challenge is to study.

You just... you just
got to do it, man.

Well, great. Then study up
is what I'm going to do.

I'm going to study up.

Let me ask you, is there,
like, as a general rule,

like, a blanket statement

I could say that could apply

to literally anything?

And then I'm either
going to shove

product down their face, right,

or I'm going to give them
another hotline?

What you are exactly
is tech support.

So, if you referred
them to another

phone number, what would happen

is that your phone
would ring again,

'cause you'd be the number
that they were referring to.

What I'm suggesting
is give me the blanket thing

where I'm not necessarily wrong,
I'm not necessarily right,

and then I'll either hit them
with another helpline,

a real helpline, or I'll push
some product on them.

You want me to shove some
product down their throat?

'Cause I'll do it.
- Full disclosure:

I think you're working
harder than you have to.

All you have to do is click
the button and read.

- I got it.

Bam. Done. Read it.

I got it. I'll do it.

That's my man, Bill.
All right.

It's going to be fine.
- You'll get it.

How's everybody else doing?

- Yeah, I'm good.
- Okay.

Is it just me,

or is this food
incredible, right?

You're a liar.

What do you mean?

You were supposed
to be an asshole.

Come on.

You were supposed to
pack a decade worth

of jerks and bad dates
into one night.

Yeah.
- Remember?

All right, now I remember. Yes.

But so far,

you've been... totally fine.

Totally fine?

Yeah.
- Wha-wha.

No, I have dropped the ball.

I did promise that,
and I haven't delivered.

You know what?
Can we get the check, please?

May we get the check when you
get a chance, Jennifer?

How'd you know my...?

Well, it says right here
on this little necklace.

And now that I got the name,
how about the number?

Ah... I'm just kidding.

Or maybe I'm not kidding.

You're so cute.

So beautiful. Wow.

Did you just hit on the waitress?

I did. Yes, yes.

The lady asked for a jerk,

and I am trying to live up
to my promise.

I said ten years of assholes,

so, you know, you got
some ground to cover.

You know what? I think
you've had enough dessert.

I've been watching you
eat all night.

Okay, let me take care of this,

because you've got
to watch your figure.

And you're right on
the borderline.

You know what they say:

"A moment on the lips,
forever on the hips," right?

Mmm, this is divine.

Oh, you do not know
what you are missing.

It's incredible.
- That's nice. That's nice.

But here's something you
aren't missing... this check.

Because I got the cab,
so there you go.

Oh.

Jennifer.

Bullshit!
- Right?

Wow, a little heart
and everything.

- Huh. Now, why don't you
take care of that?

Because the night is still young.

I'm taking you
to see some dogfighting.

Yes, I am.

Rock and roll.
I think we're up to five years.

Yeah.

All right.

Oh... yeah,
let me get this.

Oh, that's a... that's amazing.

Okay...

"In Gmail, a 'bad request'
message shows if..."

Shows if...

"Your Internet is down."

Son of a bitch.

It shows...
- Jesus Christ!

You scared the shit out of me!

If your browser
has a bad or outdated cookie.

Wait, you could... with...?
- Hmm?

Yes.

I... I can hear everything.

I'm... I'm not actually
listening to anything.

This allows me to be with myself.

I'm not very good
with other humans.

Well, I'm not very good
with Gmail Support.

No, actually,

you're quite horrible.

You can do this.

This can be learned.

But those kids,

the way that they look at you...
you have a way with people.

That's a lost art.

Go again. Go again.

"In Chrome..."

For you, this is like

teaching a little kid
the alphabet, right?

No, actually, it's like
teaching a kid a letter.

Just one letter.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you're not...
you're not... your strong point

would not be
communicating to humans.

I know.

All right, that was my guy.
All right.

Give it to me straight.
I like it.

No chaser.
- We're having fun.

I am.
I hope you are.

Well, thank you.

That was, uh, really awful.

Oh, you're welcome.

I aim to please.

I told you I was going to deliver

on ten years of assholes,

and I think I did
a pretty good job.

It was almost a little bit
too convincing at times.

Was it?

Mm-hmm.
- That doesn't surprise me.

When you've been out there

running and gunning
for as long as I have,

you learn to play the game.

Oh. I'd be out there
laying my rap.

I'd have girls literally thinking

I was an astronomer.

I'd be pointing out
constellations

and harvest moons.

"Oh, there's Pluto
over there."

And then they'd start

to fact-check you
with the Internet.

Oh.

You know, Google
has singlehandedly

cut into my ability to bullshit.

Cramping your style?
- Big-time.

Making you a better person?

Yeah.

True. 90% Google...

ten percent you.

Just ten percent? Really?

Let's call it 20%.

Come on.

You know, I, um...

I really didn't expect
to like you.

I didn't think
you'd like me, either.

Thank you.

That was my ride home.

I know.

Good morning.

Welcome to the Google helpline.

You will man the phones
for exactly one hour.

Now, before you begin...

I'm so ready for this thing.

I was up all last night studying.

This is where Team Lyle
takes the lead.

Icon, accessing your account

so that we can review
your work later.

The helpline... is open now.

Google helpline.
My name's Billy.

How can I help you?
- Google helpline. This is Nick.

Great, so you're saying that
you're locked out of your Gmail.

Hello to you.

Well, the good news
is Uncle Bill here

happens to keep a key
under the mat.

But I'm going to play
a hunch here.

Delete all your cookies.

Did that work?

Great. Glad I could help.

Yeah, what it is,
is you probably just have

too many Gmails open
at the same time.

You want to try to go ahead
and close a couple

of those down
and see if that does the...?

Okay, great.
Thank you so much.

Call with anything else.
- This is Neha.

How can I help you?
It's not a problem.

You're going to click
on the gear icon,

then settings,
then advanced settings.

Yeah, you can actually have
the same tabs open

across all your devices.
- Yeah.

So the browser windows
keep on opening,

and then you're telling me
that that's from Amazon?

Your computer's got malware.
Use an antivirus software.

But here's what I want to do.
I want to help you clear that up

before the wife gets home.
Am I making sense?

Okay, you're going to want
to sign in to Google Wallet.

Update your credit card
expiration date.

- That's the problem.
- Well, the calendar

sync issue pops up
when you switch time zones.

Are you on vacation?

Miami. Very nice.

Well, let's get your
browser cache cleared up,

and then I'm going to talk you

through the best Cuban spots
in town there.

Google helpline. This is Graham.
How can I help you?

Okay, your device probably isn't
compatible with Google Play.

And I want to have you out there
salsa-ing, sweating and grinding

up against a complete stranger
that you don't even know,

having a pretty good time
doing some wrong things.

Are we on the same page?

Okay, see that box
at the bottom of your window?

Click that twice for me.

Time's up.

So soon? Man, I was just

getting warmed up here.

Good going here.
- Is smoke coming off this thing?

Come on, Ladybug.

Nice.

Please submit your log files
so that I may review

- your work later.
- All right.

Happily.
Just click the blue button.

Where's that at?

Click the blue button,
upper left.

Mine's not blue.
Mine's gray.

Up in the corner.
It's not... I can't click it.

What?
No, no, the blue one.

Mine wasn't clicking.
Mine's gray.

Is anyone else's gray?

Did you not hear
my opening remarks?

Yeah, no, I heard most
of your opening remarks.

It's just, I was...
I was getting in the zone.

I was pre-gaming it.
- I was very clear

that you had to log
into your account

so that I could review
your work later.

Well, the good news

is that you reviewed my work now.

You-you don't need
the instant replay

because you saw
the touchdown live, in person.

I don't really understand
that analogy,

but I do know
that attention to detail

is of paramount importance here

and my instructions
were explicit.

Now, if there's no recording,

then it's as if you
didn't even show up today.

Except I did show up.

I'm-I'm sitting right here,
Chetty.

Well, according to your log,
you're not.

And since every intern
must complete the challenge

in order for your team
to be scored...

your team

will unfortunately receive
a score of zero.

Zero?

Well done, Mr. McMahon.

Perhaps more studying,
less pudding.

Hmm?
- Chetty, come on.

You're not going to trip us
with a technicality.

He's right here.

Oh, Billy, Billy,
Billy, what have you done?

It's you lot I feel bad for.

It's really hard to get here.

Some of you are probably
pretty intelligent.

You deserve better.

I'm sorry.

It's all right, El Ni?o.

We'll get 'em.

I studied for the test.
I studied for...

Well, that's great.

That's another win
for Team Graham.

There's only one challenge left.

Even if we're perfect,
it won't be enough.

We had 'em, too.

We did, but, you know, it's just

a little hiccup,
a little adversity, all right?

No, Nick, come on.

Face it.
Look, Billy's a great guy

and everything, but he kind of
blew it for us today.

Yeah, I know... The
kids are right, Nick.

I just wanted to...

come by and let you guys know

that I...
I did study last night.

I tried my best.

It's just, uh, you know,
today on the phones,

I just... it's my fault.

And, uh...

He was right when he said
that you guys deserve better.

I'm really sorry that I cost you.

Damn.

Billy, would you stop?

Let me go, Nick.
I'm not helping anybody here.

What do you mean,
you're not helping anybody?

You're helping those kids.

What are you doing?

Where are you going?

What, you're going to go
radio silence on me?

Come on, I'm not going to let you

ride away from
the Garden of Eden.

I let down the team, Nick.

You didn't let down the team.

And who cares if
you made a mistake?

Nick, I'm not taking everyone
down with me.

Billy, let me turn
these high beams on you.

Give me a chance to turn you
with a sports metaphor.

Damn it, Nick,

it's the best thing
for everybody!

Stop dragging me down
with all your horseshit, man.

You're doing great here, okay?

I'm not. I got it.

Just get off my back.

How dare you.
How dare you.

Shame on you!

Put this badge back on!

If you're going to quit, quit,

but don't give me this crap
about it's better for the team.

Come on, Billy.

Randy?

So, I-I'm, uh, Billy McMahon.

Sammy sent me down here.
I'm the new salesman.

Well, no shit.

My new partner.

Ladies and gentlemen, it has been

an impressive summer.

And one final challenge remains.

Sales.

Over a million companies
advertise with Google.

Find one that doesn't.

Convince them.

The bigger the sale,

the more chance you have
of taking this competition.

The winner will be announced

at our final meeting
this afternoon.

Good luck.

Happy hunting!

On me.

Sales, son!

Man, those other bitches
are going down!

Wait, where's Billy?

He left.

What?
- You heard him.

He thought he was
holding us back,

and he didn't want to talk
about it, that's for sure.

We got to get him back.

She's right, we're all a team...
that's what you guys taught us.

I mean, it might have been buried

under, like, a mountain
of obscure '80s references

and just, you know, a ton

of other super inappropriate
bullshit

that I guess was intended
as life lessons,

but, I mean, you did teach us

how to come together, Nick.

You taught us that.

The problem is, when he makes up

his mind on something,
ol' Billy has a tendency

to really dig in.

We might have to get ready

to do this one without him.

Yeah, but, Nick,
we wouldn't want to.

Right, guys?

Hey, Tony!

Slow it down, man.

I'm just kidding.

How long you been
working this territory?

Three years.

It's great, though, you know.

You get to build a relationship
with the customer.

And then they die.

Suddenly you're reselling

scooters with 25,
35 miles on them, tops.

Everybody wins.

Hey, hey!

Look who's back!

Hey, Randy!
- Randy! How are you?

How's it going, old-timer?

Hey, Randy.

What do you want?

Treat them like shit.

Only makes them want you more.

Hey, everybody!
Listen up!

This is my new tail gunner, Billy.
- Hi.

Billy, why don't you
tell them about that, uh,

sweet ride you just pulled up on?

Oh, you mean
the, uh, brand-new X-70.

It's got an eight-hour motor.

And it's got a rear-mounted
stainless sleeve

for your oxy tank.

You have no idea how much boning

goes on in this place.

It's amazing.

Check this one out.

Ethel. That's her name.

She calls my junk
"the cocoon."

Says it makes her feel younger.

Actually lowered
her blood pressure.

I'm not fighting it.

I'm a life-giver
and a lovemaker.

Ethel! Ethel!

- What's up, girl?!

Look who's back!

Come here, boo.
- Oh...

Who's your friend?
Well, hello there.

Billy!

What the hell are you doing here?

What the hell are you doing here?

Billy.

Hi.

Ethel and, uh, Doris here

tell me they're up for
a little group play.

Can I count you in?

What the shit?

Uh, I'm sorry, Randy.
This is my old partner.

This is Nick.

Nick, this is...
this is my new partner.

This is Randy.

Welcome to the jungle, ese.

What do you say, Billy?

Can I count you in?

Mind giving me
just a second here?

No problem.

What the hell are you doing?

New partner, huh?

I'm a salesman, Nick;
I sell things.

Yeah, I remember another guy
who was selling some things,

plying the mattress trade,
when in walks this behemoth...

big guy, big mouth, big dream...

and he made this old
son of a gun remember

there's still some dreams
floating around out there.

It's not too late.

You just got to reach
out and grab them.

Damn it, Nick,
I reached for my dreams.

Why don't you just
leave it alone?

I messed it up for everybody.

You forgot to click a button!

You're not a computer wizard.

All right?

You're also not a pussy.

You're tough.
You grew up in the '70s.

Remember what that was like?

There weren't any computers.

Just like we didn't
have bike helmets

or sunscreens or seat belts.

Did you wear a seat belt?

No.

What was your seat belt?

My mom would go like this.

Yeah. It was your mom
going like that.

And how'd that work out?

You know;
I went through the windshield.

89 stitches.

Made you look like
a little bad-ass

all of third grade.

And were you afraid to get back
in that station wagon?

Nah. Five years later,

you took out that very same car
without permission from nobody.

Not your parents,
not Old Man Law.

It was just you and Sally Moran
parked at the point,

finger-blasting away.

Didn't even know if you
were doing it right.

Nick, wh-where you going
with this thing?

I'm saying life
is that station wagon.

All right?

And yeah, sometimes it's gonna

throw you through the windshield,

crack your skull wide open,
maybe even break your heart.

But every once in a while,

it's gonna drop a Sally Moran
in your backseat.

Now, we came to Google
for a reason, right?

I can't promise we're gonna win,

but we're going back there,

and we're gonna see those kids,
and we're gonna see it through.

You get your ass
back in that car,

and you ride.

You hear me,
Billy Bojangles McMahon?

Ride.

"Contextual targeting

"technology can

"automatically match,
um, your ads to

"Web pages, uh,

that are most relevant
to your business."

Yo-Yo?

"Review ad performance

"to see impressions,
- Mmm.

Click, cost and
conversion data."

Look, you seem like good kids,

and I appreciate you stopping by,

but we're just a
family-run business.

We don't do the Internet.

Thanks for coming.

Frankie will get you
a slice on the way out.

Oi, oi.

Oh, great.

Lovely.

This guy.

Saw you checked in here
on Foursquare.

Thought we'd stop by.

That's really creepy.

Is that all?

It is all, actually.

We just closed a sale

at a coffee shop down the street.

Your chances of catching up to us

just went from
zero to piss-all.

Now, if you'll excuse us,

we've got to get to
the final meeting.

Get these jobs of which we're
so profoundly deserving.

Zach?

Eyes off the pizza, mate.

God made you lactose-intolerant
for a reason, yeah?

You're so fat.

You're so fat.

Let's go!

All right, on me!

What a douche!

Guys.

Welcome back, Billy boy.

Good to be with you.

What happened there?

Uh, well, he didn't bite,
so it did not go well.

You know who else it
didn't go well for?

Lay it on us, big daddy.

That's right,

the little steel town girl Alex.

When she finally got
her shot in front of

all those stuffed shirts,
she took a tumble and fell.

You want to hear something
totally nuts?

She picked herself back up,
she tightened that little ass,

and she pumped her legs,
and she danced herself

right back into their hearts

and into a slot
at that dance school.

And that's what we're gonna do.

Tighten your asses.
Let's go.

Get her done, boys.

Listen, guys, we've always
done things the same way:

Yellow Pages, flyers,
San Jose Mercury News.

Now, look, we're all

creatures of habit,
am I right, Sal?

I mean, we all like what we know.

There's no question about it.

But you know what the
scariest thing in life is?

Mmm.
- The thing in life

that frightens us the most?

Change.

Yeah. And by the way, I think

most people are guilty
of getting set in their ways.

I know I need change
to come along

and give me a little kick
in the ass to get me moving.

All right, listen, guys,
I know where you're going.

But I'm not gonna
change anything.

Like I already told your
friends, we're getting by okay.

Sal, with all due respect, if
you fight for your limitations,

you get to keep them.

Do you hear yourself?
You're getting by okay.

"Okay"? I mean, Jesus!
- "Okay" isn't good.

I mean, "okay" isn't great.

I'm starting to think
this guy's selfish.

"Okay" isn't fantastic!

Look, I don't want
to get sideways with you.

You're as big as a barn.

He looks like he was carved out

of a damn mountain,
for God's sakes.

But you're an artist, okay?

This is great pizza!

Picasso with pepperoni!

And, hey, stop it, do not even

get me started on the sauce.

I mean, is there nutmeg in there?

Something.
- So look-it, I can

respect the fact that you
don't want to divulge,

but if I'm right,
don't say anything.

Exactly!
- There's your answer!

There's your answer!
Sal, come on.

All I'm saying is, why should
Papa John's make all the dough,

when Papa Sal's got
the better sauce?

You know what?

Now you're starting
to sound like him.

He wants to open up
a Sal's in Los Gatos.

The bigger chains are killing us.

We're barely staying afloat.

When you franchise,
you lose quality.

You lose the taste
that people trust.

You want to know why
my sauce is better?

I'll tell you why.

'Cause I go down to the
farmers' market every day,

I buy them tomatoes myself.

I walk down the street,
I get the basil, the oregano.

Look, guys, I know these people.

I'm part of the fabric
of this neighborhood.

That's good enough for me.

Sal, that's better
than good enough.

That's the best.

And we're not suggesting

that you abandon the
neighborhood here.

All we're saying is,

what if your neighborhood
got a little bit bigger?

Take a look at this, Sal.

These are all just people
that love your pizza.

Talk about word of mouth, huh?
- Yeah, they're talking

about you, Sal; Don't you
want to talk back to them?

Did you know there are

almost as many people
from Los Gatos

searching for Sal's
as there are from Palo Alto?

Yeah, and they pop in

when they're in town,
but if there was

a location closer to them,
they'd be regulars, right?

Boom. Check it
out right here.

I found a great commercial spot
right on Los Gatos Boulevard.

Just hit the market.
- That's 0.3 miles away

from the nearest farmers' market.

You can smell them tomatoes
from your front door.

Farm to table.

F to T, baby!
- Baby.

Come on.
- F to T!

F to T is exactly
right, Gomer Lyle!

We're not asking you
to abandon the artistry.

We're just telling you
expand the reach a little bit.

But look-it, Sal,
at the end of the day,

the kids, they got
their computers,

they got their information.

It's all accurate.

I get it, and I know you do, too.

I tell you, Sal,

I can't blame you
for being a little afraid.

Hell, we were scared
for a long time out there,

grinding it out
with our heads down.

And Lord knows I've fallen

on my ass more than
a time or two.

But I promise you something.

You lift your head up...

and take a breath,

there's a lot of great
possibilities out there.

New customers,

new franchise... and that's just
the tip of the iceberg, Sal.

It's all waiting
at the click of a button.

Everybody's searching
for something, Sal.

They're searching for you.

We just want to help them
find you.

TGIF, Nooglers!

All right!

Easy, easy.

It's okay, it's okay.

Now, today marks not only
the end of the week,

but the end of
the summer's internships.

- I know.

As you can see
through these images behind me,

it's been quite a journey.

Lot of memories,

lot of bonds were made.

Kind of reminds me
of the first time

I owned a personal...
All right.

Today, we reveal the intern team
that will be awarded jobs here.

Sadly, one team

has not returned
from their final challenge,

so, therefore, I'm forced
to calculate the results

with their score

as an incomplete.

We have a victor.

Congratulations...

No way!

What's that?

What's going on?

Okay, calm down. Come on.

Yes, yes, yes, yes! Yes!

Come on!

Extra toppings on this one, boss.

I see that.

Yeah!

That's enough!

That's enough!

Yes, lovely theatrics,

but the jig is up.

It's too late.

Rules are rules, right, Chetty?

Yes. Rules are rules.

And the rules state
that every team has the right

until the announcement is made
to turn in their sales.

So, in spite of Yes!

Your lack of punctuality,
which is astounding,

I have no choice...

but to accept this submission
and to recalculate.

Go ahead.

Recalculate.

One sale to a small
family pizza joint's

not gonna make
a difference anyway.

It does seem that Mr. Hawtrey
is correct once again.

Boom.

- Oh.
- The sales from one shop

on the last challenge are not
enough to put you in the lead.

I'm sorry, bud.

But...

this is not one shop.

You see,

this... is
a blossoming franchise

with endless possibilities,
thanks to you.

And what you have done as a team

is connect to people

and connect those people
to information.

Which is what we do.

And more than that,

you had the courage to dream.

In spite of your obvious

and astonishing limitations,

you never gave up on that dream.

No.

So...

gentlemen...

and lady...

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Hold on.

Chetty, no offense,
you're a glorified babysitter.

Let's get somebody down here
who actually means something.

I'm right here.

Terrific.

Graham, please meet
Mr. Anderson.

You know this guy?

I should think I do.

Andrew here is
the head of Search...

a rather important position
here at Google.

Honest, it's an honor.

Look at you, Headphones.

A little mystery behind the boy.

What? How-how do you know him?

We were encouraged to reach out
to experienced Googlers.

Pretty simple.
Not a big mystery.

To reach out to other Googlers,
not just kiss their asses.

You see, these interns are

smart, collaborative, pretty...

Thank you.

And just weird enough

to make them interesting.

Also, they came together
as a team

to do something here.

Their Googliness
is truly off the charts.

Oh, my God, can you stop
with the "Googliness"?

Like, what does that even mean?

The fact that you don't know
what it means

is why you will never work here.

Also, you just
made me use a bunch of words

in front of a ton of people.

Look at me.

You're a real dick
for doing that.

Look at me again.

And I know your accent
is bullshit.

What?

So...

welcome to Google.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Boom!

I have a job!
I have a job!

Hey, why are you getting up?

I should be the winner.
I should be the winner!

Well, I hope you're all happy.

What were you thinking?

Maybe if I had a team of equals
who contributed once in a while,

this never would have happened.

What about you? What do you
have to say for yourself, eh?

Huh?

I think it's time
to fake an injury.

What are you talking about,
you fat...

Man down!

Chetty, I appreciate
what you said back there.

I know you had us figured wrong
from the beginning.

He voted for you
from the beginning.

What?

Mr. Chetty was the deciding vote
on the intern committee.

I didn't have a fancy education

like most of the people here.

I had to work hard
to get to where I am.

And I recognized
a similar tenacity

in you two gentlemen,
so I took a chance on you.

You did test my faith
a few times.

Basically, the entire time.

But I'm glad you proved me right.

Chetty, thanks for betting on us.

Good to see you.

Hey.

So it looks like
you're gonna be seeing

a lot more of me around here.

So it does.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Look, the other night...

It was fun.

Yeah, it was fun.

Right?

Yeah.

No regrets.

No.

All right, let's get
to that warm, fuzzy part.

Um, that's not going to happen.

- God, I love him even more.

He leaves it cold like that.
You know what I mean?

You keep playing hard to get,

you're gonna find yourself
all alone.

We're not gonna
have a beer together.

We're gonna have
about five of them.

We're equals now, my friend.
- No, we're not.

Yes, we are.

No, we're not.
- Let's go pick out

some other interns and shape
some diamonds in the rough.

Please stop following me.
Please stop talking to me.

We're gonna get drunk.

Have a great senior year, guys.

We'll keep your desk chairs
warm for you.

Team Lyle.

Team Lyle!

That's the spirit.

Yo-Yo! Come. Now.

Mom, I need a minute.

Yo-Yo, I not go. We need to...
- Mom.

I'm saying good-bye
to my friends.

I'm taking a minute.

Okay?

Look who grew
an eyebrow, Yo-Yo!

Come on!

All right, you riffraff,
get out of here.

See you down the road.
- See you guys.

See you, bud.
- Thank you, Captain.

Thank you, Big B.

Bye, guys.

My Khaleesi.
- My sun and stars.

What do you say? You want
to go get weird in a nap pod?

So, um, don't be a stranger.

Shoot me a text sometime.

Forget that.

I'm gonna come see you in person.

Yeah, I'd like that.

Hey, guys, I grew
a pair of balls.

Did you see them?
- You did!

You grew a big pair of balls, my man.
- It was amazing.

They're touching my ankles.
- Okay.

Well, that...
we don't need that.

Hey, congratulations, guys.

Thank you, boss.
- Thank you, boss.

You know, I did get you
a little something.

Aw.

Not to get too sentimental...

Whoa! Whoa!

- Look at this high roller.

Busting out the Pappy on me.

I figured we earned a swig.

Mm-hmm.

Hell of a summer, bud.

Hell of a summer.

British.

Listen, Professor...

Buddy, they can't see us, okay?
- I understand that,

but here we go.
- Go cheek to cheek.

Just go like I tell you.
- Okay, don't interrupt me.

Put your cheek next to mine.
- Yes.

Yeah, I get it. You got us?
- Hi, my name is Billy.

Yeah, Nick Campbell.
- Oh, good.

You can hear me.

Guys, hi.

Hey.
So, what do you think?

Cosplay. What can you say?
- I knew you'd love it.

Stuart totally
loves it, too, now.

- You guys have fun.
- Okay, great.

Don't worry about us.
We're having a great time.

Don't worry about us.
We're having fun.

Uh-oh. Here we go.
- Oh, hit it.

Classic Star Wars villain.
- Looking on with Boba Fett. We're just observers.

We're just here to observe.
- It's me!

- Kevin.
- What the shit?
- Shit.

Guys. Yeah.
- Kevin!

What the hell are you doing here?

Cosby. It's your
first time at Cosby?

Excuse me?
- It's my new journey.

And I have you to thank.

You really pointed
some things out.

I was being a jerk to people.

'Cause I was hurting inside.

Well, it takes a big man
to admit he's wrong, Kevin.

Good for you.
- Anyway, I'm going to dive back into the fun.

Ooh, check out
this hot little number.

I don't know if it's a...
Ewok or a space squirrel.

I can't wait to rip into that.

How do you know
who's underneath the mask?

Look, I don't know what's
underneath the hood,

and I don't give a shit.

I'm insatiable.

Now, if you excuse me,
old Boba Fett's

going to give this squirrel
a couple nuts to hide.

You know Boba Fett...
he always fucked

the space squirrel
at the end of the movie.

Audience knew it was coming.

Audience wanted it.

Audience got it.