The Humorist (2019) - full transcript

SOVIET LATVIA. AUGUST 1984

Alex! Look at me!

Tell me a joke.

Brezhnev and Reagan
are on an airplane.

Brezhnev looks out

and sees the devil
trying to saw the wing off...

THE HUMORIST

Hey lady! How about a photo?

Would you prefer a photo
with my monkey then?

Too bad, the monkey wants one.

Look at its flaring nostrils!



Don't be scared. Little Arthur has
a highly developed aesthetic sense.

Yes, his name is Arthur.

Why Arthur? Why not?

What should a monkey be called?
Patrice Lumumba?

That's just racist.
He's got a middle name, too.

What is it?

How about you take a photo first?

Do you think I run
an interspecies dating service here?

All right.

What do you think, Arthur?

Can I tell her your middle name?

It's Ivanovich.

What's his breed?
He's a macaque.

Our own, Soviet, working-class,
green-tailed macaque.



You'll do it? Great.

Let Arthur Ivanovich climb into your lap.

Here we go. He's clean, don't worry.

Come on. Don't tell me
he's the first monkey in your life.

I bet he's not even your first Arthur
on this vacation.

Thank you very much.

- You are just? so?
- I know. Thanks.

That was a great show.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

Thank you for being the way you are.

Boris!

If I were twenty years younger, I'd...

You'd be learning your ABCs now.

Will you sign this?

It's for my daughter.

You're the one
who bought my book - The Curse .

This is a rare case.
A book that loses in value

when the author signs it.

Don't say so, Boris.

We believe that a great novelist
died in you.

- Really?
- I didn't mean it like that?

Sorry. You can always
go back to serious fiction.

Too late now.
What is your daughter's name?

- Veronika.
- To Veronika...

- And yours?
- Olga.

I'll sign it for you too.
...and to Olga.

From the bottom of my heart.

- I wish you all the best.
- Thank you.

Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Have you heard? Chernenko reinstated
Molotov in the Communist Party.

Demented, both of them.

Max, have you really been to America?

I have. I got back two weeks ago.

I promoted Soviet movies there.

These hands are still gritty
with the dust of the Californian prairie!

- May I touch them?
- Sure.

Watch out. Max just said he hasn't
washed his hands in two weeks.

Here comes our trademark grilled fish!

When did they start fishing
sturgeon in the Baltic Sea?

- What did you use for bait?
- His Party ID.

He flashes it at the sea,
and the fish just leap ashore.

Okay. We are still...

- Will you have a drink?
- Sure.

We're still missing someone. But
I think we can start the party. Well...

Let's drink to all of us being here today,
as a great song says.

When Inara and I invited Maxim...

I mean, Comrade Shepelin
to summer at our villa,

it was on one condition only.

Was it a rent-a-fuck deal?

We asked him to bring along
his friends

who would be as creative,
interesting

and talented as he is.
And you know what?

Max has more than delivered.

Comrade Arkadiev!

It is such a big honor for us.

I hope you will come visit us again.

- Let's drink... To friendship!
- To friendship.

- No kissing yet.
- We are finally drinking.

I see.
And we are on the outside looking in.

- Come on.
- Hello.

- Mielavs invited him. Are you two okay?
- Couldn't be better.

- Look who is here.
- Thank you.

Hello.

Comrades, meet my colleague
Simon Grinberg.

His arrival triples the amount
of genius here

while leaving the amount
of foreskin unchanged.

I don't know this beautiful lady.

I'll let him introduce her,
for her beauty makes me speechless.

If only!

Valery, Inara, meet Lina.

Lina, meet, well? everyone.
Are we late?

- No.
- Perfect timing.

Lina Sorokina. Great to meet you all.

Of course, I know you.

And you, too.

I didn't know Simon worked
together with you.

He didn't tell you?

Boris thinks we all
mumble his name in our sleep.

Boris and I started out together...

- What is this, sturgeon?
- Yes.

Holy shit!

We were writing comedy sketches.

For the KVN comedy show.

You don't know that one.
It was canceled in 1971.

I heard whispers of it among the elders.

I like you.

So, Max, is it harder to act
in comedy or in drama?

In life.

Don't pout. I know who you are.

I saw you perform a skit on TV last week.

About a photographer with a monkey.
Arthur Ivanovich Bites .

- The Mellow Season .
- What is it?

It was a monologue.
The Mellow Season.

Originally, it was Arthur Ilyich.
But the censors asked

to remove allusions
to Vladimir Ilyich Lenin.

Now I finally know
what allusion they meant.

But you fixed it anyway.

- Wouldn't you, Simon?
- Me?

I would not.

- How heroic of you.
- Come on.

Let's drop it.

Remember when they banned
fake beards in KVN?

They thought any fake beard was
a joke about Karl Marx.

So Boris grew a real one.

In about a week.
Through sheer force of will.

- Excuse me.
- Wanna make a toast?

Valery made one. It's my turn now.

There are many beautiful ladies
at this table. First of all,

I mean you, Ninel Petrovna.

And yet here I am, raising my glass

to an ugly, morose dude instead.

I want to drink to Boris Arkadiev.
Let me explain.

I am an actor. What do I do?

I show up on set
and pretend to be someone.

Boris is different.

He goes on stage the way he is.

He doesn't wear makeup or a costume.
He is not playing a role.

This man, sitting here pigging out,
excuse my French,

is the same person

the entire country knows and loves.

And I can't even imagine
how much courage it takes.

- About half a liter.
- Here is to you, Boris.

- Here is to you.
- I figured it out.

You friend hates it when people talk
about him.

Because then he is not the one
who is talking.

The Topaz-11 had a successful liftoff

from the Baikonur Cosmodrome
at 6 am today.

Its mission is to dock
the Salyut-7 orbital station...

The crew includes Commander
Denis Shaikhinurov,

Flight Engineer Lev Lugovoy
and Science Officer Dmitry Malkin.

Lev Lugovoy.
What a funny name!

I am curious about Science Officer
Malkin. What do you think, Boris?

Is he a regular Malkin or one of yours?

- Science Officer Malkin?
- Right.

Did he take along his travel passport and
his diploma in case he wants to defect?

Isn't Malkin a Russian family name?

It depends on his full name. Dmitri
Pavlovich Malkin would be Russian.

But if his father's name was Arkady, that
would make a big difference in Israel.

Unbelievable!

You don't know the full names
of our cosmonauts.

You're a spoiled bunch, aren't you.

They say a Jew is not a religion but
a means of international transportation.

Which makes a Jew in a space rocket...

A dream?

- Come on, Simon.
- It is...

There's a lot of material here.
Yuri Gagarin said "Let's go!", and?

Looks like we got ourselves a face-off.

Each of you gives us
three funny answers.

Why don't they allow the Jews
into space?

Boris, you are the first to go.

Because their mothers
won't let them go.

Simon?

Because matzo crumbles in zero gravity.

Boris?

The blood of Christian babies doesn't
keep well in space-food tubes.

The Jews can go to space.

But out of sheer habit they bribe
the medical board for deferments.

If the Jews go into space,
they will see how tiny Israel really is.

I know why.

Because their noses will stick
out of the space helmets.

Simon?

Because they would sell Earth
to the Martians.

- This is all I got.
- Funny.

If the Jews go into space,
they won't come back.

We're well adapted to living in a void.

Boris, hurray!

- Who wants a blanket?
- Bravo!

Tell me something.

- Thank you.
- Why are you still here?

Tell me honestly.
They would love you abroad.

There are so many Russians
in New York now.

You could easily fill up a theater there.

Why would he do that?
The KGB are his biggest fans.

Boris performs in some general's sauna
every week.

Good for him!

That's why they let him joke about sex,
and your ass isn't even allowed on stage.

- Who do you write for these days?
- Let it go.

Some newspaper's back page?

- Speaking of sex...
- Yes?

I am sorry, Ninel Petrovna.

They took us to a comedy club
in Los Angeles.

It's like a normal bar, but with comedians
on stage, one after another.

You wouldn't believe what they say there.

The black guys are the craziest.
What they do there... They shit on you.

They insult their audience.

And it's all real. No plants.

- It's called insult comedy.
- What do you mean?

You go on stage and point your finger

at some poor sucker in the front row.
And you say: "Hey you! Fat fuck!"

And just take it from there.
Boris, you would love it.

Why me, Max?

What do you mean?

It's all about humor,
which is something that you do.

- Humor?
- Well, yes.

Max, why are you comparing me
to these illiterates?

I am a writer.

And Mike Nichols won an Oscar.

- You can have it both ways.
- Oh, Oscar Schmoscar.

I don't know what you think
about your trade, Simon.

But I... And forgive me
my drunken pomposity.

But I am carrying on the traditions
of the great Russian literature.

Of Averchenko and Teffi, to say the least.

Or maybe even Chekhov and Gogol.

Why claw your way to the stage then,
Chekhov?

- Why not write books at home?
- Can I offer you a drink, gentlemen?

I totally forgot! You did write a book.

What was it called?The Fiasco ?

No, something else.
The Failure ?

- Ah yes,The Curse.
- Simon, stop it.

- What did the critics say?
- Stop it.

'A superiority complex
masked by false humility.'

Simon, that was 10 years ago.

Keeping it memorized
doesn't look great on you.

Why? It does.

- It surely does.
- Are you hurt?

- Not at all.
- Aw, I hurt his feelings.

It's been a pleasure.
But I have an early flight tomorrow.

Valera, Inara, Ninel Petrovna.

Peace to your lovely house.

I hope that the ghosts
of its former owners

don't keep you up at night
rattling their chains.

Maxim. Galina.

I bless you, my children.

Galina, you are
in for some magical time tonight.

You will never forget these
2 or 3 minutes.

And for even more fun later,
Max brought back from the U.S.

the latest strain of the clap.

Simon.

Looking at your face
is like staring into a mirror.

Makes me want to break it.

Just kidding. That was a joke.

Thank you. I love you all.

You are welcome here any time.

Let's go.

Another piece of cake?

Where did you learn to do that,
young lady?

Do you guys catch Swedish TV
in Latvia?

Okay, what is wrong?

Did you attend a DIY workshop?

I forbid you to joke.

Fucking sturgeon.

- Get me some water, will you?
- Sure.

Thanks.

Please, don't go.

- How old are you, anyway?
- 22.

- You study philology?
- I am in the Art Academy.

- I am a sculptor.
- Oh, that's useful.

I am going to die soon.
They will commission you a monument.

Tell me a story.

I am not that good at storytelling.

Sing me a song then.
Just don't keep silent.

Here you are.

I have to go.

Can you ask the reception
to bring me a spasmolytic pill?

Who is it? Come in.

Your wife asked me
to bring you these pills.

- I hope they help.
- Why wife?

She is my daughter.

It's a pleasure to have you as our guest,

- Comrade Arkadiev.
- The pleasure is all mine.

- Daddy is home!
- Polina Borisovna!

Hi, sweetie.
How are you, my deputy?

- Did everyone behave well?
- Yes.

- Did anyone hurt you?
- No.

- Are you sure?
- I am.

Then this is for you. It's a present.

Ilya, Daddy is home.

- What's up?
- Hey there.

- Where is your mom?
- She has a migraine.

Let me go say hi to the migraine.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Does your head ache?
- That was my line.

I'll make us some breakfast.

Dibs on the shower.

And now, I reveal

the real purpose of my trip.
Please, welcome

the famous smoked chicken from Riga!

It smelled so strong,
that they almost kicked me off the flight.

Daddy, this is not a doll.
It's a sculpture.

Sure it is.

- It is a Latvian doll.
- How do you play with it?

- You make it speak Russian.
- Ilya!

What?
If Dad said that, you'd be laughing.

Look, I know they don't teach you
either Latin

or good manners at school.

But you might have heard this one:
'Quod licet Iovi, non licet bovi .'

What is permissible for Jove,
is not permissible for...

David Bowie.

For a bull. But that was a good one.
Eat your chicken.

How did it go in Jurmala? Is
the season over now or is it still a mess?

A mess. Shepelin can't even go out.
Men demand autographs

And girls just kill themselves
on his doorstep.

Did you catch Simon Grinberg?

I think he is staying
at the State TV resort.

Simon?

I saw him. He seems depressed.

- Budovsky called you a million times.
- What did he want?

Tomorrow is Railway Workers Day.

They are having a gala.
Zhvanetsky is out.

They want you. Should I say no?

Why? I will do it.

Have you ever been to the
Railway Workers' Palace of Culture?

Versailles pales in comparison.
Railway workers are something special.

I have this theory that they killed
Anna Karenina, for money.

I finished my meal. May I go now?

Why spend time with your father
who was away the whole week?

You guys are talking business.
And I have to get ready for my gig.

Excuse me. What is the thing
he wants to get ready for?

He plays music with his friends
in this small theater.

The art director is open-minded enough
to let them in.

He even gave them a sound rig.

Will you tell Ilya not to stay alone
with this open-minded art director?

I bet he lets boys play
with his own rig.

Boris.

Sweetie, have you finished?
Go to your room.

Daddy, will you come
play with me after breakfast?

Of course, pumpkin. Now go.

I prefer listening to Chernenko.

Comrade Konstantin Chernenko
delivered a speech on education.

I've got chicken fat all over my hands.

You know the Latvian for 'good night'?

Ar labu nakti.

He looks like the ghost
of Hamlet's father.

When will he kick the bucket?
Within a year?

You know this joke? The anchor
of the evening newscast says:

"Dear comrades.
You are going to laugh,

but our nation suffered the tragic loss
of yet another leader."

The latest news
on the Topaz-11 mission.

Science Officer Malkin spent 3 hours
and 26 minutes in outer space...

Officer Malkin took along his travel
passport and his diploma, just in case.

What was he doing in space?
Just hanging out?

They always keep
the most interesting thing secret.

- I'd never fly over this city!
- I'll be back in a sec.

I'd never fly over this shithole
Of a world!

Ilya, will you stop your braying, please?

Would your critique be
of an aesthetic or political nature?

- Just don't be an idiot.
- I love these gems of fatherly wisdom.

- I missed them so much.
- You wanna talk about it?

Let's do it.

I know my grumbling is just as banal
as your teenage rebellion.

When I bought you this piece of junk,
I didn't expect you to play Debussy.

You can sing whatever you want. But...

If we talk about public performances...

I also mean your friends here. Because
friends sometimes throw us curveballs.

I sincerely hope that you will play
something a little bit more appropriate.

Appropriate for whom?
The Young Communist League?

For me. Appropriate for me.

Don't you think that,
coming home every three weeks,

you hardly have a right
to demand things from me?

It may come to you as a shock,

but no, I don't think so.

What do you think I do on these trips?

I earn the money to pay for all of this.

Yeah, I am sorry, Dad. I forgot.

You are in a hard, demanding line
of work. You tell jokes for a living.

Ungrateful little jerk.

Arrogant snot-nosed shithead.

The Commies caught a young boy
They dragged him to the KGB

Shut up! Stop it, idiot!

- Degenerate!
- Mom!

- Why Mom?
- Mom!

Mom! Your son is going
to send all of us to prison!

- Stop calling your mom!
- He hit me!

- He will send us to prison!
- This is a criminal offence!

Ilya! Boris!

No one is sending anyone anywhere!

- Can I see Daddy now?
- No, honey, better not.

Daddy is working now.

A round of applause for our Iron Horse!

Make way.

Thanks.

BORIS ARKADIEV

Boris.

I've come to pay my respects,
so to speak.

Comrade Major.

Why so formal? My name
is Sasha Nikonov. Did I bother you?

You are going on stage now,
and I barged in.

How about a quick drink?
To get some Dutch courage.

Do you need it? Or me?

Funny.

Do you mind if we drink from my bottle,
for purely symbolic reasons?

You don't care, but I will be pleased.

Let's sit over there.

Here we go.

Me and the wifey have
front row seats tonight.

You can't miss us if you wanted to.

We'll be clearly visible the whole show.
Cheers!

Why not finish it? You have
no respect for Nikonov, do you?

Atta boy.

Where was I? Ah yes, my wife.

We'll be in the front row.

Could you pay her a little attention
at the end of the show?

Like a wink or something.
Up to you.

Got it?

She'll love it.

But what if another charming lady sits
to the other side of you?

How will I know which one is your wife?

Easy.

If the lady is charming,
she is not my wife!

- Wow! You should quit your day job.
- Come on.

You should go on stage tonight, not me.

- You can steal my joke.
- I'll think about it.

Boris, you are next up.
Are you ready?

Break a leg.

- I trust we made a deal.
- Cross my heart.

- Break a leg.
- You first.

Lesha fucking Budovsky.

I told you that I can't see any of these
KGB bloodsuckers before the show.

It's okay after the show.

But still just a few.

This might surprise you
but I am not in charge of these guys.

If I were, we would be living
in a different country now.

For instance, I would have had you
shot dead a long time ago.

Come on, let's go.

Get your ass up on stage.

Can you make it there?

What the fuck? Who do you think you
are, Vysotsky, going on stage drunk? Sit!

Now...

Tell them to play an encore!

- Take this.
- What are those?

Do you care? Trust my medical
expertise. Open your hand.

Don't worry. Cosmonauts take these.

Fuck.

I have a suggestion on my routine.

I think,The Mellow Season
has run its course.

I have already done it on TV.
Everyone is sick of it.

The Mellow Season ?
Is that the one about the monkey?

- Yes.
- Boris, are you dumb?

- What do you mean 'run its course'?
- How would you put it?

It's called a hit.

Live with it now.

Or are you tired of selling your face?

Ah, I get it. You want to go back
to writing for other people.

Just say a word. Other comedians will
be happy to have your stuff.

- I'll make a couple of calls tomorrow...
- Lesha, please, stop it.

Let's not make this into a big deal.

I just want to try out a new monologue.

- How new?
- I just finished it.

I can't let you perform anything
that hasn't been approved.

It's a fucking Railway Workers'
Palace of Culture.

There are no TV cameras
or tape recorders here.

I can't let you do it,
if it is not approved.

Lesha!

It's totally harmless, I swear!
Want me to read it to you right now?

- Listen to me.
- Are you nuts? The people are waiting.

Let them wait. It's a short one.

'Hello. I am Cosmonaut Rabinovitz?'

Okay...

It is good and funny but it is not
approved by censors. Boris, don't do it.

Get it stamped in the State Concert
Department and do it next time.

Or test it out privately.

At one of your sauna parties. They
will love it. Now get the fuck on stage.

Boris...

- Here you go.
- I am going to read it anyway.

Go ahead. I am not your mother.
You're a big boy.

And in conclusion, the star
of the evening: Boris Arkadiev!

Good evening, my dear friends.

I am happy to see you. Congratulations
on the Railway Workers Day.

The summer is almost over.
Have you been to the beach this year?

I hear that the best railway workers
get personal rail trolleys.

Everyone take their vacation yet?

Have you been to Sochi this year?

Well, if you have,

you are, of course, familiar
with the following scene...

Hey lady! What about a photo?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How did it go?
- It was okay.

As usual.

- He doesn't go out of his room, does he?
- He is angry at you. He'll get over it.

This is for you.
Shepelin had it sent over.

EDDIE MURPHY - DELIRIOUS

- Is the dinner ready?
- I thought you would come home later.

I have a court hearing scheduled
for 8 am tomorrow.

There's some of your chicken
in the fridge.

Ah yes, leftovers.
Serves me right.

Boris, is everything okay?

I get attitude when I come home late.

Now I get attitude
when I come home early.

- So when exactly should I come home?
- I am always happy to see you.

Get some sleep.
Tomorrow is another day.

This is what scares me!

Boris, there are two types
of good wives.

Those who wipe your nose
and make you dinner.

And those who don't ask questions.

All these 20 years together I thought
you prefer the second type.

Please, let me know
if you changed your mind.

Leave me the fuck alone!

- Polina is sleeping.
- There is nothing else I want to say.

Mom? Mommy!

I'll handle Polina.

Comrade Arkadiev.
We are from the KGB Ninth Directorate.

It's all right, Polina.

Get your clothes, please.
You have 5 minutes.

I am Elvira Arkadiev, a member
of the Moscow Bar Association.

My spouse is my client.

- I want to know your names.
- What has he done now?

- And show me the warrant, if any.
- Elvira Osipovna.

Sorry, we can't give you our names
or a warrant.

But this is not an arrest.
We will bring your husband back home

safe and sound in 8 hours or so.

Boris, please, hurry up.

It is okay.

- I will go with you to the KGB HQ.
- Elvira.

We are not going to the KGB HQ.

Unfortunately,
this is all that I can tell you.

The Ninth Directorate
means personal bodyguards.

- Daddy, are you going to Latvia again?
- I am.

Bring me a doll with arms and legs
this time.

I surely will.

Polina, let's go play checkers.

- For real? In the middle of the night?
- Cool, isn't it?

Thank you.

Elvira, come on.

It's nice to feel needed.

Where are we going?

- Boris, please.
- I see.

Someone important feels like a laugh.

Comrade Arkadiev,
why don't we have some quiet?

Gimme a cigarette.

Boris, smoke with the window closed.

- For dinner tonight, we have fish.
- Wonderful.

Can it swim out for some cognac for me?

Unfortunately, we do not carry spirits
on these kinds of flights.

Just ask the pilot for some of his.
Seems like he's had enough.

Are you scared?

I am.

Of the turbulence?

Can I offer you valerian drops?

Okay.

Mission Control Center.
Please wait to be connected.

Can you hear me?

Yes. If you get feedback,
use the headphones.

There's no feedback.

Or headphones, for that matter.

I just wanted to know
if you could hear me.

The ship is online.
T minus 15 until we put you through.

- We can hear you.
- What ship?

Topaz-11. Are you ready?

- Ready for what? What am I doing here?
- T minus 10.

In certain emergencies we fulfil
personal requests of the crew.

One of the cosmonauts wanted
to speak with you.

- Malkin?
- No. Lev Lugovoy.

Malkin had the string quartet.

T minus 2. Get ready
for the communication session.

- Are they in danger or...
- Comrade Arkadiev?

- Boris?
- Yes, that's me. Hi.

Are you there?

Yes, I am here. And you?

- Are you up there?
- Yes.

When I was a kid, I had a dachshund.

We called it Mishka.
Short for Mission Control.

Really?

Look, I...

Do you want me to read a skit?

I have a totally new one.
I finished it last night.

Boris, can you do
The Mellow Season ?

Of course.

I can do anything for you.

I am at your service tonight.

Well...

- To quote Yuri Gagarin, let's go.
- Let's go.

The Mellow Season.

Hey lady! Would you like a photo
with my monkey?

Too bad, the monkey wants one.

Look at its flaring nostrils!
Don't be scared.

Little Arthur has
a highly developed aesthetic sense.

Yes, his name is Arthur.
Why Arthur? Why not?

That's just racist.
Why can't a monkey be called Arthur?

What should his name be,
Patrice Lumumba?

- Can you hear me? Is this thing on?
- I hear you loud and clear, Boris.

Sorry. Moving on.

Patrice Lumumba...

He's got a middle name, too, by the way.

What is it?

Can I tell her your middle name?

It's Ilyich.

What's his breed? He's a macaque.

Our own, Soviet, working-class,
green-tailed macaque.

Are you going to take a picture?

Or are you writing an article
on him for the local paper?

You'll do it? Great. Arthur Iva...
Arthur Ilyich is getting a bit nervous.

Okay, now...

Ilyich is going to climb into your lap.

He's clean, don't worry.

It's way funnier with Ilyich, right?

Sorry. Moving on.

Right... Arthur Ilyich, stop it!

Come on. Don't tell me
he's the first monkey in your life.

I bet he's not even your first Arthur
this month.

Yes, he is checking you for fleas.

You don't have any, do you?

Then there is nothing for you
to worry about.

This is his way of showing affection.

Are you ready?

Say cheese.

Watch the birdie.

I am whispering because Arthur Ilyich
can snap at you when he is nervous.

No, he won't bite.
But he can snap.

We don't want to make
Arthur Ilyich nervous.

Especially with his teeth so close
to your ear.

Say cheese. Smile.

Smile, for God's sake!

Difficult, you say? Look at her!

The Soviet women plow fields,
build railways, go on space missions!

- Boris...
- And you can't hold a damn monkey.

- Thank you, Boris.
- You are welcome.

- There's more in the end, about rabies.
- Yes, I remember. Thank you.

Do you want to hear another one?

What's the weather like in Moscow now?

Not too good.

- It's getting chilly.
- Right.

We are flying over Europe now.
There is a huge storm gathering there.

I almost forgot
that you are literally up there.

What does it look like up there?

No God, I hope.

And what happened to your dachshund?

Why?

It was a long time ago.

Before moving from Byelorussia
to Moscow,

we left her with the neighbors.

Though...

Theoretically...

It could still be alive.

Just your regular 26-year-old dachshund.

I got a puppy for my daughter
before the launch. A spaniel.

- Spaniels are good dogs.
- They are.

- How old is your daughter?
- Zoya? She is five.

- Zoya Lugovaya. Sounds beautiful.
- Thank you.

My daughter's name is Polina. She is six.

I have a son, too. He is 14.
A total jerkoff.

Him I don't get at all.

He is a smart kid.
Clearly smarter than me.

But he is always into some trash.

Although, is there really any difference
between his trash and mine?

My daughter loves me. For now.

- This is obviously not going to last.
- Tell me something.

- You are Jewish, right?
- Yeah, what a shocker.

My real name is Boris Moiseyevich
Aronson. Pleased to meet you.

I am only bringing it up because
you made that joke about God.

- You don't believe in Jewish God either?
- Nope.

Then again, I've never been to space.
I've never ever been west to Prague.

- So who am I to say?
- That's fair.

But if you ever met God,
what would you ask Him?

I kinda feel like I am talking
with Him now.

Still with the jokes?

Sorry. Give me a minute.
I need to gather my thoughts.

It is a serious subject.

Okay, here you go.

Comrade God!

I want so much to be loved.

But I know I don't deserve to be loved.

And so I lose all respect
for the people who love me

because they got so easily fooled.
But what I still want to know is,

am I worthy of love? Or not?

I see.

I am sorry,
Boris, but we are having a...

- Anyway, you can't obviously help me.
- I am trying! What can I do to help you?

- Thank you so much for the monologue.
- I am trying... Thank you!

You have been disconnected. Thank you.

Alexey Budovsky? Am I correct?

- In the flesh.
- I remember you.

At the gala at the Railway Workers'
Palace of Culture.

Of course.

That's professional memory.

- Sasha Nikonov.
- Lesha.

What a talent Arkadiev is!

It's an honor to know him personally.

You've known him
since you two were young, right?

You witnessed his rise to fame.
I feel envious.

What can I do for you, Sasha?

Today is the third day
since our talent disappeared.

I mean, he is cooped up at home.

Yes, I know. He got sick.

- He disrupted my schedule.
- Sick?

How terrible.

And what has he got?

You are a doctor by education,
aren't you?

- Aren't you curious to know?
- Look, it's nothing serious.

He's got rapid heartbeat.

He needs another couple of days.
I'll tell him you came.

No way.

I can't give him a couple more days.
I need him tonight.

Look, Comrade... Major, I suppose.

They would never insult Boris
with a lieutenant.

Comrade Major,
we are in the same boat here, right?

Everyone wants Boris Arkadiev.
But I am his promoter,

and I want him alive and more
or less kicking.

So do you, I hope.
Let the guy get his shit together.

I would love to do that, Lesha.
But I can't.

No way.

Should I send him one of our experts?
We have excellent doctors.

What do you want me to do?

You know his address
and phone number better than me.

The USSR strongly condemns
this unprecedented and hostile attack

by the U.S. President.

Your turn.

Are you going to get it?

You want me to keep watch of Polina
or open doors?

Are you keeping watch of me?

- Hi, Lesha.
- Hi, Elvira.

Is the elevator out of order?

It's not. Why?

Elvira, I am here to see our sick boy.

- Trying to smuggle in alcohol?
- No. Are you crazy?

Enjoy.

- Hey guys.
- Can I see Daddy?

You call that keeping watch, eh?

Boris.

- Leave me alone.
- Boris, time to get up.

That was a wrong answer. Come on.

- Let's go.
- Lesha, please, get lost.

Sorry, but it's not me. It's Nikonov.

Remember that KGB major, in the
Railway Workers' Palace of Culture?

When you showed me your text
about Cosmonaut Rabinovitz?

He's got a general,

the general's got a wife.

And the wife's got a birthday. So Nikonov
saw a way to earn an extra star.

He promised to bring you there.
This son of a bitch told everyone

that you two are best friends
and often drink together.

In other words,
there is no turning back now.

He said: "If I screw up with my boss,
I will make you eat shit."

He meant me, got it?

Take the pill and hop into the shower.
You'll feel better.

- When?
- Right away.

- No. When do I have to perform?
- Today.

Way to go. They are not even bitter.
Good boy.

I leave you the rest of the pills there.

You take them two times a day.

But no more than two.
Go to the shower now.

Oh, sorry!

What a good friend you are, Lesha.

Come on. Let's go.

Easy, easy. This way.

Okay.

Thank you, Lesha.
You are a miracle worker.

Boris, this is just crazy.
You will love it.

Reagan was on the radio yesterday.
And he said:

"We will begin bombing Russia
in five minutes."

He thought they did a sound check.
He didn't know they were already live.

- Any news on Topaz-11?
- No, Boris, no news from space.

They say everything is going on
as planned.

- Any new footage?
- No. Nothing but pictures in the papers.

He got obsessed with this spaceship.
For no reason at all.

Ever since that KGB party,

he's been interested in nothing else
except vodka and space.

So Boris has finally articulated the two
cornerstones of the Russian philosophy.

Thanks again.

He will take a shower
and we'll go to Dr. Edelman for an IV.

Or even, if we are lucky,
a complete physical examination.

I don't think he has got any shows
until September, right?

Lesha?

I see.

Just for three hours.
He will be back home at 10 or 11.

You know Boris is in no shape
to perform.

Elvira, it is not my call.

What can I do?

General Yasenev's wife can't get born
a few days later to accommodate Boris!

So it's a birthday party?

Everyone will want to drink with him...

I will not take my eyes off him.

- If they let me in, of course.
- How can you do that?

- You have my word.
- You asshole.

You are a pimp.

You are a disgusting fat pimp.

I am nothing else but a whore.

You are giving me too much credit.

Elvira, will you iron a shirt for me,
please?

Hello.

Hello.

Good afternoon.

Hello.

- Boris Arkadiev?
- Yes, Comrade General.

Nice to meet you.

My name is Grigory Ryabtsev. I am
a friend of the birthday girl's husband.

I've been following
your accomplishments.

On TV.

We have been following yours, too.
In Afghanistan.

Our accomplishments
are not that obvious.

But I appreciate the joke.

Hello.

Boris, I am happy to see you.

You are the only human being
among these...

- Where are we?
- Where?

You look shell-shocked. I guess
this is your first time at the Yasenevs'.

Don't worry. Did you bring a routine?
You can shove it up your ass.

I had memorized half ofEugene Onegin
the first time I came here.

Come with me.

That is Lyudmila Ivanovna.

She has this quirk.
She likes actors and artists

to mingle with regular guests and gossip.
Like, who is sleeping with whom.

We don't even have to talk to her friends.
Just to each other.

Basically,
it is a zoo and we are the animals.

- So I don't have to perform?
- They might ask you to give a toast.

Comrade General. Just like I promised.
How is it hanging, old man?

- Sasha Nikonov?
- Right.

- Let me introduce you to our host.
- Hello, Comrade General.

- Nice to meet you.
- Please, meet our lovely birthday girl.

- My heartfelt congratulations.
- Thank you.

Lyudmila Ivanovna, every year
brings you closer to perfection.

Soon I won't be able to tell you apart
from the movie star Nonna Mordyukova.

And you left quite a mark in Jurmala.

You should have seen Grinberg
after you ran off with his broad.

He came back the next day. He was
crying and throwing things around.

Was she worth it? By the way,
what did you think of Inara's friend?

I would have done Inara.

But I would not want to cross her
husband. He is a top dog over there.

Dear friends, to the table!

The vodka won't drink itself. Let's go.

- To the table, please.
- Here you go, dear friends.

Max, I don't get it.

No worries.
This is what they pay us for.

This is better than sex for them.

Is this apple juice?

Wow. Okay.

This is nice.

- Want some?
- No, thank you.

Keeping kosher?
I respect that.

Okay.

Dear friends.

And now comes a toast

from one of Lyudmila's favorite men...

I admit, I am a little afraid
to give him the floor.

Comrade Arkadiev,
would you do us an honor?

Please.

Wait a second, his glass is empty.
This is not right. Come on.

Thank you.

Lyudmila Ivanovna...

Lyudmila Ivanovna.
You know, since I came in here,

I have been trying to come up
with a toast.

But I keep distracted by this...

You know what, this is wonderful.

Because this is human.

It tells me that the hosts are
no strangers to anything human.

Which means that the degenerate
bourgeois motto 'Make love not war'

has a chance in this country, too.

I can feel so much love in this house.
Love of all kinds.

Sordid and lofty. Earthly and cosmic.

Let me say again that this is wonderful.

- Happy birthday. I wish you all the love.
- Thank you so much.

What a great toast!

And now I am going
to declare war on this piglet.

Or make love to it.
I haven't decided yet.

That was a good one, eh?

You know what is funny?

They think this is a standard party
of a decent American family.

They can't tell things which are allowed
from those which are appropriate.

It is a typical problem for us.

Hey, wanna hear a funny story?

We had a free day in the New York City.

And the whole delegation
begged the hosts

to take us to a porn theater
in Times Square.

The interpreter was a little shocked.
But what could he do?

He took us there. Mind you, that is
your typical Soviet film delegation,

with three KGB guys
for every movie star.

We enter the movie theater.
I sit down by the wall in the back row.

The movie is some BDSM shit
with whips.

Suddenly I remember
that three blocks away from there

Baryshnikov opened a restaurant.

I decide to sneak out and go there.
Imagine if I get to meet Baryshnikov?

But to exit, I have to walk
through the entire row.

And the rows are narrow as hell.

Meanwhile, our guys are sitting there

with giant boners,
or straight-up whacking it.

So there I am,
walking past them sideways.

"Excuse me, Alexander Ivanovich.
Oh my, Vladimir Petrovich..."

- Did you meet Baryshnikov?
- What? No. That's not the point.

Man, it's impossible
to make you comedians laugh.

Here is the thing.
The host is very impressed.

He is inviting both of you
to his private bathhouse. Me too.

Together with you. You have to be ready
in an hour. I will let you know.

Arkadiev. You are awesome!
I could just kiss you.

- Let's save that for the bathhouse.
- Good one.

Wait for my signal.

What would that be about?

I don't know.
I have never gotten this far.

What a nice place you have got here.
Next time you come and see ours.

We have a tennis court.
The sweat is just as good.

How could I forget? You're a tennis star.

You had to do it in Khrushchev's time.
And then I actually got into it.

Chernenko made it all easier.

When you want to talk, you can just lie
down next to him on a hospital bed.

- Fair enough.
- What?

Did you go to see him
at the Central Hospital?

Want to make hay while
the sun still shines?

You are not my only channel.

Screw Chernenko.

Well, brave men?

Let's give it a shot.

Hey you.

Do your jokes now.

What is it?

I say, tell us some jokes
if you don't drink.

Why make us work
when we have a pro here?

Are you sure? Right now?

Why the hell not?
What are you waiting for?

Do the one with the monkey.

- Want to hear something new?
- That's even better.

A world premiere just for you,
Georgiy Pavlovich.

It's not a finished set.

Just some assorted thoughts.

What was this building before?

A church?

A bathhouse is a holy place here
in Russia.

We do so many big things here,
make so many big decisions.

Our top brass loves a good steam.
They play golf in the West. But we...

We go to a bathhouse.

I always thought you guys come here
to drink and screw.

And then it hit me that I was wrong.

The people in your line of work just feel
a constant need to clean themselves.

Now Comrade Chernenko,
he never goes to a bathhouse.

Which makes sense,

because high temperature would
accelerate the decomposition of his body.

You are laughing now but you're thinking:
"Shit, that's coming up again soon..."

"God forbid they will ask me to carry
the coffin again. My shoulder still hurts

after the burial of our previous leader."

"Let's elect someone light next time."

Chernenko reinstated Molotov
in the Communist Party.

The man is 94 years young!

Smart move!
Grooming a successor!

I don't think you should stop there. There
are even better people to lead the nation.

First of all, we have Lenin's mummy.

And I hear we have Rasputin's cock
preserved in a jar somewhere.

What if we sewed those two together?

We would win the Cold War!

Margaret Thatcher would enter
the Mausoleum and never leave.

Enough with the politics.

Let's talk about women, shall we.

Good idea.

Take, for instance, Lyudmila Ivanovna.
She is a gorgeous woman.

In fact?

She is two, or even three
gorgeous women in one.

I am kidding, of course.

I just don't have enough talent.

You would need Renoir's brush
or Pushkin's quill to convey her beauty.

Or, you know, a dump truck.

Hear what happened
when she went to the Moskva pool,

built where the Cathedral
of Christ the Savior was?

People thought the Cathedral came back!

- What do you think you are doing?!
- Comrades, he is wasted.

- Comrades... Boris.
- I am sober!

Maxim, my dear...

I am sober. I mean I had a few drinks
before the party.

But seeing Lyudmila Ivanovna was

- like a nice cold shower.
- Boris.

Do you know Comrade General
and Lyudmila Ivanovna's

favorite sex position?

- The woman on top... and all around.
- Shut him up!

- Will anyone make this asshole shut up?
- What are you doing with me?

- What are you doing?
- What's up? Am I turning you on, babe?

Is this normal? The guy
is stalking me. He comes to my shows,

gets me drunk backstage. Now he's
got me undressed and groping me.

- What are you...
- Hey, if it's passion, I get it.

But if you are doing it for your career,

you'd better get under the towel
over there.

Or should he get under yours?
I don't know your preferences.

Hold him.

You hold his hands!

- Help me down.
- Easy.

Comrades, I think I have to go.
Sorry, Boris.

Easy, easy.

- Relax.
- Help me down.

This kike is about to lose his nose.

You have no sense of humor.

Let me go.

Help him.
What are you waiting for?

Help him. He is dying!

He shat himself.

Clean up the mess before calling
the wife.

Yes, Sir.

I hope you enjoyed your bath, hero.

Comrade General, I talked to the guys.

They will testify that it was an accident.

It happened so fast
that we could not help him in any way.

- The humorist is the only weak link.
- Alas, we know what we have to do.

I still don't get it.
Why the hell did he do it?

He has everything he can dream of.

A wife, an apartment,
concerts everywhere.

All the pussy in the world. Who
would want to give it up? And why?

We'll never know these people.

Should we let them have their jokes?

Looks like they've got
some anger bottled up.

They need to let it out.

So why not let them joke?
Where is the harm in that?

That's an interesting idea.

Then we do nothing to the humorist,
right? Do we let him go?

- And let others know they can do it.
- This one? No.

This kike is toast.

I am talking about the future.
Little by little.

Let them joke about bureaucrats,
bribery.

- Even about sex.
- Really?

Why not?

He really nailed Lyudmila, though.

The woman on top and all around.

I am sorry. Laughing at a widow is a sin.

But the son of a bitch was good, right?

Sorry...

...the mission of Topaz-11
was accomplished.

Despite some malfunctions
of control thrusters

the re-entry capsule, carrying the crew,
touched down in the friendly Tanzania.

The service module has served its
purpose and burned up at re-entry

over the Baltic sea.

Commander Denis Shaikhinurov,
Flight Engineer Lev Lugovoy

and Science Officer Dmitry Malkin are
in perfect health and high spirits.

Here is some bread for you.

What's up?

Look, Daddy. We made meatballs.

Awesome.

How did it go?

Will you give me an hour?

LIFTOFF FEST 2018

Good evening. Shall we begin?

Lady, lady...

Would you like to be photographed
with a monkey?