The Humans (2021) - full transcript

What could they
possibly be doing?

- 'Cause we have all the toilet paper.
- Seriously?

Dad, I told you
not to bring anything...

Dad.

He doesn't listen to me.

- Oh, my God.
- Seriously...

- Maybe it's the...
- ...it's ridiculous.

- Ooh, look at that.
- It's pretty good, right?

That's our neighbor.

We think she drops stuff,

or stomps around,
we don't know.



Mission accomplished.

I gotcha, Mom.

Wait...

No, gotta go back.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Okay.

All right. Come on, Ma.

Yup, yup...

That's it.

There you go.

Oh... Come on.

- Open the door.
- Yeah, okay.

Let me help.



Pull it back.

There you go.

God.

- Careful.
- Okay.

It's pretty big, right?

It's definitely bigger
than your last place.

Have you complained
about the noise?

No, Dad,
she's a 70-year-old Chinese woman,

- I'm not gonna...
- Well, Brigid, I'm 61.

Older people can still
process information.

- I'm saying she means well.
- We're still...

She's older,

I don't wanna disturb her
if I don't have to.

Here, give me your coats.

Coat.

And everybody here
come back...

And everybody here
come back...

This fever...

And everywhere
do we come back...

- I know I'm calling.
- Is she...

What's she...

Even when she is sayin'
real stuff,

what's been comin' out
is still all...

And now all in black.

The doctor says it's normal,
the repeating.

You can never come back...

MoMo,
you can absolutely come back,

- any time you want.
- You can never come back.

Having her at home with us,

until it becomes too much,
it's a blessing, you know?

Right, Erik?

- Dad.
- Oh...

Whoa, come back to earth.

- Sorry, sorry. Long drive.
- Are you okay?

Yeah, once I get some
caffeine in me, I'll be good.

This is a fancy chair.

Erik, check out
this fancy chair.

Rich's parents got us that,
a couch, too.

Not sure if the living area
will be here,

or this might become
the bedroom.

Dad, you won't get any
reception up here unless...

- Is it a Verizon phone?
- Sprint.

Then you have to lean up
against the window.

Yeah, but no.

Yeah, now lean in.

Lean in.

Smush your body up...
There you go.

Oh, God... Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Yes, I think so.

Hey, who's walking
around out there?

- Hey.
- Yeah?

Who's walking around
out there?

Probably the super,
he's the only one with access.

No,
I think it's a woman.

Probably the super's wife.

- Huh?
- I'll be taking this closet.

Eighty-three pairs of shoes.

It really feels dangerous
to put a queen

in front of the radiator.

And also, you don't want...
The door is right there.

- Okay...
- I got you, Ma.

I think
it's secret looking...

Hey, Detective, this is
New York, people are loud.

Hey, he had a rough night,

- he hasn't been sleeping.
- Deirdre...

Why haven't you been sleeping?
Are you okay?

- Erik, you haven't...
- Yeah, I'm okay.

I forgot the toilet paper!

Okay, hang on.

I don't know if he's
having nightmares or what.

The sheets were covered
in sweat last night.

Rich sometimes
takes a sleeping pill,

- I can ask what kind.
- Oh, right.

Like your dad'd ever try
any sorta...

No, no...

Rich's been having
weird dreams about...

He thinks they're related
to the stress of the move.

And he keeps me up trying
to unravel their meaning.

He took one psychology course

and suddenly,
he's an armchair psychiatrist.

I took
two psychology courses!

One.

- Hey, there, Rich!
- I found those on the curb,

can you believe someone was
gonna throw them out?

Richard,
what are you yelling at me?

I said, "Bring down
the napkins, please!"

Yeah, Richard,

or you could
get them yourself.

Wait, do you actually
want me to come up...

No, no, I got them, sorry.

Hey!

These are different colors?

Woodmont Cream, Fresh Air,

Athena, Dove Wing,
Hint of Mint.

- What happened here?
- Mom...

You know,
if you moved to Scranton,

your quality of life
would shoot up.

If I moved to Scranton,

your quality of life
would shoot up tremendously.

- Oh, yeah?
- Don't flatter yourself.

These look so similar to me.

They're literally different.

I wish you
had more of a view.

Mom,
it's an interior courtyard.

Oh.

Well, perhaps we can all
take a stroll

in the interior courtyard
after dinner.

Don't laugh.

I'm just smiling.

- Stop it.
- I just smiled.

You're crying,
you're laughing so hard.

- Don't take that stroll.
- Here we go.

Here we go.

Do not take
that stroll. I can't.

Excuse me, um,
I'm taking MoMo

to the, uh,
interior courtyard.

Bridge, you didn't
even open our care package?

I'm not opening anything until
the moving truck gets here!

What?

What did you say?

Stop...

What did you say?

Remember when we drugged
Aunt Edith?

No, no, it's still stuck
in Queens!

What?

- I said...
- I can't hear you.

- It's still stuck in Queens!
- ...on its way?

Is it still stuck in Queens?

I can't hear you.

- Hey, come here.
- What?

Stop it. Get me champagne
and stop talking.

Mom, for you.

- Oh, thank you.
- What did you get us?

- Thank you.
- You have to open it,

Aimee, that's how
presents work.

- It's how it usually works.
- Thank you.

Erik, don't.
I wanna save the wrapping.

- Oh, man.
- Found it when I was packing.

Man, were we ever this young?
Look how young you are, Aimee.

I'm an elephant in this photo.

- No.
- Stop it.

And I'm holding
a funnel cake.

I can't even blame genetics.

This is gold, Bridge,
thank you.

- Thanks.
- It really is, honey,

- thank you.
- Check it out, Ma.

I am a planet
in this photo.

Oh, stop it.

- I'm bigger than you.
- You look beautiful.

Oh, I miss Wildwood.

Go back,
take a vacation.

Talk to this one,
he hates traveling.

I do not hate traveling.

You hate traveling
to New York.

I do not hate traveling
to New York.

- Okay, that's a lie.
- Yes, you do!

No, I hate that you moved
a few blocks

from where two towers
got blown up

and in a major flood zone,

- I hate that.
- This area is safe.

Chinatown flooded during the
last hurricane, it flooded.

Yeah, that's how
I can afford to live here.

It's not like you gave me
any money to help me out.

Dad...

Oh, come on.

- Dad...
- There's gaps everywhere.

- You gotta caulk.
- Okay. Thanks, repairman.

No one's gonna steer a plane

into a fish market
on Grand Street.

I liked you living in
Queens, all right?

I worry enough with Aimee

on the top floor
of the Cira Centre.

Well, stop,

Philly's more stable
than New York.

- Aimee, don't make him...
- I'm just saying it's safer!

Yeah, 'cause
not even terrorists

wanna spend time
in Philly,

Philly is awful.

You think everything's awful,
you think Scranton is awful,

- but it's where your...
- We think it's awful, Dad.

Dad, it is!

Yeah, well,
what I think is funny

is how you guys,
you both move to big cities

and you trash Scranton,

MoMo almost killed herself
gettin' outta New York.

She didn't have a real toilet,

and her granddaughter moves
right back to the place

she struggled to escape.

Yes, we know,
"return to the slums."

MoMo had
no toilet...

Oh, man, that store
on the corner of Eldridge?

Hey!

Hey, Rich.

We went in there
to get you a candle...

Don't tell him that,

we didn't end up buying it.

Well, it was
the most expensive candles

I've ever seen in my life.

- They were $25.
- That's a lot of money!

Damn right,
that's insane,

you should get five candles
for that.

Oh, my gosh.

- Can I help you?
- Thought, uh,

we could have a little
champagne toast up here.

- Okay, here we go.
- Jeez, okay.

Brigid claims we need to bless
the upstairs and downstairs.

- We do.
- That is right.

Here,
give me a hug, Rich.

We only have
these plastic cups,

but it sets the bar very low
if we ever have to host again.

Well, that's okay,

champagne will make the cups
feel fancy.

That's plenty,
thank you. Lovely.

MoMo's still good
with prayers and music, Rich.

I'm so sorry,
this will be weird for you,

she makes us sing about Jesus.

All right, let's just,

are we gonna sing
the Hail Mary?

I don't make you
sing about Jesus.

- Then we won't sing.
- Yes, you do.

You're gonna
not sing then, Mom?

♪ The Lord is with you ♪

♪ Blessed are you among women ♪

♪ And blessed is the fruit
of your womb ♪

♪ Jesus ♪

♪ Holy Mary ♪

It's okay, Mom.
It's okay.

Okay, MoMo.

No, it's okay.
It's okay.

Yeah, she's... It's not...

Not one of her good days.

So you got any, uh...

You got any music gigs
coming up,

can we come embarrass you?

Ugh, guys, no...

Yeah,
I miss hearing your music, Brigid.

I'm bartending
most nights,

you have no clue how much
student debt I'm stuck with.

Well, I do know someone
who refused

to go to a state school.

- Ah, not funny.
- Score one for Dad.

- Oh, God! Oh...
- Are you okay?

- Sorry... That is...
- I thought that was gonna...

That's fine, it was like that this morning.
I tried to...

Should have just left it,
but... Uh, it's safe.

Let's...

There are appetizers
out downstairs.

Great idea,
let's go downstairs.

- Okay.
- Downstairs.

I'm just going to use
the little girls' room first.

I'll take MoMo.

- You sure?
- Yeah, I never get to see her.

Are you ready, MoMo?

- Dad?
- All right.

- Go downstairs.
- Okay. Okay.

Jeez.

Oh, what do, uh...

How do I get MoMo down there?

What do you mean?

Should I just dump her down
the spiral staircase?

God, sorry.

- Beer?
- Huh? Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I'll take a Coke, too,
if you've got soda.

- Yeah, sure, coming right up.
- Thanks.

- Detroit's up seven.
- Oh...

- Oh, the football game.
- Mm-hmm.

- How's the, uh...
- Thank you.

...lake house coming along?

Heard you might build
this summer?

Uh, not until the sewers
get put in.

Doesn't make any sense
to build with a septic system

when they're putting in
sewers soon.

Sooner the better,

I can't wait
for a lake house Christmas.

You're gonna miss
the old house.

I will.
I won't miss

the wall-to-wall carpeting
or the bunk beds.

Work's good, Erik?

You're still at, uh...

It's a Catholic high school,
right?

St. Mark's, for 28 years.

Wow,
that's impressive.

Oh, don't make it sound...

I headed up maintenance
and a couple of years ago,

they needed
an Equipment Manager, so...

It's a big job,
triple-A school,

he handles
all the phys-ed classes,

- manages the weight room...
- All right. Okay. Enough.

- ...the kids love him.
- Enough. Enough, enough.

That's impressive.

Nah, it's practical.

I got the girls free tuition.

You don't pick up after other
people's kids for 28 years

unless you really love
your own, you know?

Hey,

to 28 years.

28 years.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Oh, jeez.

Your toilet seat is broken.

- I know, go downstairs.
- I love you, I'm just saying.

You decide on an architect
for the lake house?

Uh, no, it's a ways away.

I actually like
having the, uh,

design process
to look forward to.

- I like the planning stages.
- Yeah, well, our budget's...

We're gonna use
one of those places, uh,

where they have pre-designed
homes you can choose from.

- Sure, good idea.
- Yeah.

Place we're looking at
has good designs, you know?

Yeah, no, that's...
That's great.

I'll tell, you, Rich,
save your money now.

'Cause I thought
I'd be settled by my age,

but man, it never ends.

Mortgage, car payments,
Internet...

Our dishwasher just gave out.

- Oh, man.
- Yeah.

Don't you think it should
cost less to be alive?

Absolutely.

I'd started cutting my own
hair to save some money.

Yeah, messed it up
pretty good.

Thank God I'm married.

- So, you...
- Brigid said...

Oh...

- Go... Sorry, what?
- No... No.

Do you want some ice?

- Sure.
- Yeah.

So you've been having
weird dreams, too?

- Huh?
- You can hear a lot

through the, uh...

I just caught
you haven't been sleeping.

Thought maybe...

I've been having
weird dreams all week.

I think it's because of
the move.

Last night, I was polishing
a silver refrigerator

and my dog was caught inside.

And I don't have a dog.

- Oh, man.
- Yeah, weird stuff.

Yes, sounds like it.

- Mm.
- Yeah.

No.

I don't even remember
my, uh...

Not even when I had
one of those ones that...

What?

Ah, you know,

the ones where you need
a minute just to realize...

- Oh...
- Ah, don't worry about it.

- Sorry. No, I got it.
- Here, no.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- God.
- Welcome.

Hello.
So, this is what lies beneath.

Mom!

Oh, good Lord.

Are you snooping?
What are you holding?

That's just my arthritis,

snooper.

Is that present for me?

Yeah, open it downstairs.

Is it
a fancy candle?

Yes, smart-ass.

I'll give you a fancy candle,
keep walkin'.

It won't work
down here, sorry.

Well, M&A transactions
aren't a source of joy

in my life, so my phone
could use the rest.

She's an all-star there.

Dad... Ugh, no.

Um, I was informed
that I'm no longer

- on the partner track.
- What?

- When did that happen?
- That mean it just takes

- more time?
- Nope,

it's the nice way of
telling me to start looking

- for another job.
- Really?

Why would they do that?

I just, I missed
a lot of time last year

when I was sick and then...

No, she has
Ulcerative Colitis, Rich.

Mom.

- It affects the colon.
- Okay. Okay, Mom.

So... And, um, I missed...
I missed even more time

right before
they made their decision,

so I had another flare up
this month.

Oh, babe, I'm sorry.

- Yeah. Okay.
- Why didn't you tell us?

You know,
they can't fire you

because of
a medical condition.

Well, they gave other
reasons, obviously, but...

Yeah, you get the sense
that they support

your chronic illness

as long as it doesn't affect
your billable hours, you know.

They don't deserve you.

How about financially,
are you okay?

Yeah, I'm set
for a while.

- For a few months or...
- Dad, I'm fi...

I'll let you know if I need
money, okay? I'm...

I don't want to talk
about my job or...

But just,
how are you feeling?

Just minor cramping, okay?
I'm good. I am.

How about food-wise?
Can we get you

- something special?
- No, I'm fine.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm...

Sorry.

Just, at ease, everyone,
okay? Can we just...

Hey,
why don't we do a downstairs toast...

- Yes. Yeah.
- ...before we break you.

To the Blake family

- Thanksgiving.
- Oh, yeah.

To the very special
Chinatown edition

of the Blake family
Thanksgiving.

Hear, hear.

- Neither rain nor hail...
- The storm and all.

Nor sleet nor snow...

Nor... What else?

- Nor dementia.
- Oh.

Okay,
now you're pushing it.

- What, too soon?
- Yeah.

- That felt too soon to me.
- You better give her a hug.

- We love you, Momes.
- Gosh.

Love you.

To knowing
this is what matters,

right here, right here.

Because let me tell you,

uh, coming down these streets,
thinking about how far

the Blakes have come...

Uh, and even seeing
that candle store was...

It's not a candle store,

it's a boutique
that sells,

- like, one candle.
- Hey, I'm appreciating how...

You see rich people
walking around New York,

God knows
where their money comes from,

but end of the day,

everything anyone's got...

I don't care how many
candles you have,

one day it goes.

Whatever gifts God's given
us, in the end,

no matter who you are,
everything you have goes.

Well, that's the positive way
of looking at things.

I mean...

- Wow.
- What?

- Ooh.
- That's just so...

- That's a lot.
- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, yeah.

I love my family.
That's the short version.

- Oh, maybe, yeah.
- That one's better.

Okay...
I'm glad we're together.

Yeah, wow.
You should do that at a funeral.

It's so nice.

- Richard.
- So nice. It's so nice.

I can't.

It's a whole fire.

Shut it down.

That sets the tone.

It's ambiance.

So how you doing, Mom?

Ah, I'm good,
I'm good.

Oh, did you get
that text I sent you?

Bridge, this girl who played
basketball for Dunmore

was bullied for being gay.

Her mom found her dead
in her room on Tuesday.

- Whoa.
- Oh, man.

Yeah, suicide with
some kinda pills.

It's all over the news.

I texted you, I was sure to...
I wasn't sure if you got it?

Yeah,
this week was crazy.

No, I'm just behind
with messages, yeah.

Yeah, you don't
have to text her

every time
a lesbian kills herself.

- I don't.
- She doesn't do that.

- I get enough...
- Look, I appreciate it.

...annoying forwards myself.

I'm not gonna clog up
your guys' inbox.

No, you're not, Mom.
You're good, though?

- I am, yeah.
- Yeah?

My bosses are...

Salsa...

I'm an office manager, Rich,

I've been with the same
company since right

- out of high school.
- Oh.

Whole place'd
fall apart without her.

Yeah, well, my salary
doesn't reflect that.

And these new kids
they've hired,

I'm now working for two
more guys in their 20s.

I don't even wanna talk
about it.

Can you pass me the...

Thank you.

And just because they have
a special degree,

they're making five times
what I make,

over 40 years
I've been there.

- Wow, 40 years.
- Hey, focus on the lake house,

you can unwind soon.

You gotta take care
of yourself.

You know, it's smart
to wait for the sewers.

That'll... Property value
is gonna skyrocket.

Thanks, Professor.

Yeah, when are they
gonna be installed?

It's up to the
Department of Public Works.

- Hmm.
- Okay, we got...

And how's Aunt Mary?

Oh, she's hanging in there,
God love her.

Rich, this is their aunt

- who had both knees replaced.
- Can you pass the...

I drive her
to her physical therapy.

Get it yourself.

They got
this contraption now

to help load her
into the pool.

Oh, fancy.

Oh, and did I e-mail you that
Pam Hoban has ovarian cancer?

She does? Yikes.

Oh, man,
how's she doing?

Yeah, I'm taking her
to her treatments

'cause her and her brother,

they don't speak anymore.

She's being tough, so...

What else?

Oh, on Tuesdays I'm...

Mom, you're talking
with your mouth full.

I'm now volunteering...

Father Paul told me...

And don't
roll your eyes, Erik.

I'm not saying a word.

...right in Scranton,
there's a whole community

of refugees from Bhutan.

- What? It's not funny.
- Let me guess,

Saint Deirdre
is coming to their rescue?

You have no idea.

Be quiet, you have no idea,
these people have nothing.

They're all just looking to
learn English, to find work.

We think we have nothing,
but, man.

That's great
you're volunteering.

Thanks, Rich.

And how are you, Mom?

Aimee didn't ask how the
Republic of Bhutan was doing.

I'm good, smart-ass,
I said that already.

Now why don't you open
your gifts.

Mom,
I was just teasing.

Hey, guys,
no one be alarmed

if I'm up and down these
stairs, like, a million times

- to use the facilities.
- You want me to go with you?

- This...
- Careful with that.

...is beautiful wrapping.

I believe I picked it out,
when I gave you...

I believe you might have.

...your birthday gift.

- Just, just think...
- Maybe.

Oh, Rich. Check it out.

- Oh, this is awesome, thanks.
- And what is this other...

- Honey, it's fragile.
- ...beautiful,

fragile mystery.

- Ooh.
- Okay, before you tease me...

A Virgin Mary statue...

I know you
guys don't believe,

...with a serpent
under her foot.

...but she's
appearing everywhere now,

not just in Fatima,
but in West Virginia...

- Mm-hmm.
- And...

Just keep it for my sake
in the kitchen,

or even if you put it
in a drawer somewhere, okay?

Mom, I will absolutely

put this in a drawer
somewhere, thank you.

Watch out.

You want to go
for a ride, Mom?

We can go for a ride.

Hey, no,
I don't remember mine

if I don't write them down
in the morning.

Whatever it was,
couldn't have been any scarier

than the, um...

I made him watch this...

What was it called, Erik?
The movie...

The Lifetime movie about
the housewife who got AIDS.

Oh, yeah,
she made me watch it.

Guys, it was so
cheesy, but really terrifying.

Worst two hours
of my life.

What was so scary about it?

Well, this housewife
cheats on her husband

and he comes home from work
and asks her how her day was.

I mean, what can she say?

"Oh, today
I cheated on you

"and contracted
the HIV virus, honey,

"how was your day?"

Can you imagine?

You're trying
to be a comedian,

no more wine for you.

Have you seen
the one where, um...

I think it's called
My Stepson, My Lover?

Oh, that was a classic, Rich.

No, Mom,
please don't be gross.

She's... She's fine.

Be nicer to your mom, babe.

Thanks, Rich.

As soon as
it left my mouth...

Anything I say makes her...

Yeah.

Who does she remind you of?

- You.
- Me?

- You. It's you, my friend.
- She's all you, my friend.

- Do it.
- No.

This is...
This is just the worst.

Don't wait
until after dinner.

Erik,
can I get you another beer?

Uh, yeah, please.

Brigid said you guys
went on a cruise last summer.

Oh, yeah,
we've gone on four of 'em now,

to Halifax and Mexico.

You ever been on one?

Not on one
of those big ships.

I've sailed with my family
growing up.

We try to get the girls
to come but, uh,

they think it's pretty
lame, you know.

Yeah, well, we know
it's cheesy, but we like it

because they take care
of everything.

Yeah.

- You feel taken care of.
- Yeah, I get that.

Are you able to avoid
all of the touristy stuff

- when you dock? Or do you...
- Oh, the, well...

They let you off at pretty
good spots usually.

- Mm, cool.
- Where there's lots to do.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Spots are pretty good
usually where they

- leave you off at.
- Right, yeah, cool.

They usually have decent

entertainment options
on the ship.

Lots of singers
have professional credits.

Lots of stuff going on
all at once.

- Sounds awesome.
- Yeah, yeah,

at night she can go see a
show and I can go, you know,

- do something else.
- Gamble. You gamble.

Or whatever else
I feel like doing.

Well, come on, don't act like
you play shuffleboard

on the lido deck.

Gonna check
the score of the game.

Okay.

...finish drinking
your shake, Ma.

- Oh!
- Mom!

I got it...

- Mom, it's everywhere.
- Erik!

Mom, don't worry,
we have loads of paper towels.

Had a minor spill.

Someone's in here.

Oh, there's
some shake in the crudite...

On the wall...

- You okay?
- Um...

I'm just worried
about the roads.

It's snowing out there.

I...
I think someone from a higher floor

just emptied their ash tray.

Rich!

Yup!

There's some shake
in your hummus.

You know what?
I'll just scoop it out.

Hey, hi...

I... I know,

I know...

Happy Thanksgiving.

I know, but I...

I know,
I just thought the holidays

could be an exception.

I just wanted
to hear your...

No, I get it.

No, I figured, um...

Yeah, I saw
your pics online, so...

No, no, I think it's
good, you know.

And I've been dating, too,
so... Yeah.

Yeah.

Nothing, nothing serious,
but yeah.

Yeah.

You're fine, babe.

No, I'm not.

- Mm!
- Don't tell me stuff.

- Manganese...
- Don't tell me stuff.

Riboflavin.

Well, I'll let you go.

But I'm glad that you're...

I will...
I'll... I'll tell them.

Yeah, absolutely,
they'll appreciate that.

And love
to all of your...

Exactly.

Yeah.

Happy Thanksgiving.

And, uh...

Well, you don't
have to wish me a Merry...

We... We can talk again
before Christmas.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah... Uh-huh...

Maybe...

Yeah, well, maybe
your therapist is right.

It's just that
the holidays would feel

wrong, you know,
without us at least...

No, I respect that.

Yeah.

Well, look, uh,
love to all your...

You, too.
Okay, you, too.

Bye.

I miss her.

Hey, listen,
you'll find someone new.

Hey, I'm serious,

- you're gonna find someone.
- No. Not with history.

Carol knew me with acne.

She... She helped me with
my law school application.

You're gonna
come outta this stronger,

- I promise.
- Oh, just stop, Daddy,

just stop lying to me.
Just... Stop!

Don't actually stop.

Keep saying things to me.

Okay.

- Give me a minute.
- Okay.

She refused
to quit driving, Rich.

- Oh...
- But six years ago,

Erik couldn't bring himself
to take the keys from her,

so he got her
to take a driver's exam

so the decision
wouldn't be on him.

And part of the test

is they show her a picture
of a "yield" sign,

but without the word "yield"
on it.

And God love her,
she can't answer that.

But enough of her is
still there

that she goes to the poor guy
giving the test,

really pissed off, she goes,

"Trust me, I'd know
what to do if I was driving."

So he goes,
"Then just tell me what you'd do

"if you were driving
and pulled up to this sign."

And she goes,

"I'd see what everyone else
was doing,

"then I'd do that."

Oh, my God.

Where're you at

with the whole
nursing home discussion?

Mom is...

As long as Uncle John
can watch her weekdays,

we're fine.

I love that you guys...

Oh, um...
I was just gonna say

I love that
you both call her "Mom."

That's what she is to me,

that's what's special
about marriage, Rich.

- A real marriage...
- Okay.

- ...you get two families.
- Okay.

I am
very committed to Brigid.

Well,

Mom's calm now, Rich,

but, man,
when she isn't, it's...

It's like watching her

turn into someone else,
you know?

Can I...

Oh, yeah,
just lift her feet back.

Before we got her
on these new meds,

you could've put
some of her worst outbursts

in a horror flick.

- Brigid's? I agree.
- Dad.

No, I'm serious.

- Richard...
- Ambiance.

Seeing these ads
for that zombie show on TV.

I can't believe people

wanna watch
that kind of stuff at night.

- There's always...
- Oh,

she hates anything
with blood or gore.

Yeah, there's enough
going on in the real world

to give me the creeps,

- I don't need any more...
- That's like...

I bet she'd appreciate, uh...

There's this comic book
called Quasar

that I was obsessed with
as a kid, and it's about...

You're still
obsessed with Quasar.

Okay, well,
I am, be quiet, um...

It's about this species
of, like, half-alien,

half-demon creatures
with teeth on their backs.

Oh, my God,
just call them monsters.

And in their world...

And on their planet,
they like...

The scary stories

that they tell each other
are all about us.

The horror stories
for the monsters

are about humans.

Thank God
he's in grad school.

I love that.

Well, people are...
You should meet my boss.

No teeth on his back,

- but, man...
- Mm-hmm.

The monsters
aren't scared of us,

- so why would...
- Sure they are.

There's...
It's always a man driving a stake

through the heart
of a vampire,

or if you're a zombie,
you eat people,

but your biggest threat
is what?

Getting killed by some
enterprising human, right?

- I get it, Rich...
- Yeah.

They'd be more scared
by monster-eating monsters

or something, am I right?

Monsters aren't real,

so it's a weird thing
to wanna be right about.

Okay.

Probably
the soundest argument.

Not what
you thought last night.

You thought
that was pretty real.

There's sweat
on the sheets to prove it.

Oh, man, you can't
let that go, can you?

Well, why don't...

Just tell me what you dreamed,
and I'll drop it.

You... You're assuming
I saw something specific

when she just...

- It wasn't like that, okay?
- Wait, wait, "she"?

So you do remember something
specific about that dream.

You guys are relentless.

Rich, help me out here.

Erik, have you
been dreaming about

- a supermodel this whole time?
- I tell Brigid my dreams.

Yes, you do,
all of them.

Two weeks ago, I dreamt

that my oldest sister
was a mannequin

- working in a grocery store.
- Richard.

What, I'm serious.

- All I remember...
- Ooh, what?

Well, there's not much to...

Tell us.

Come on.

A couple of nights,
I've had this...

There'll be a, uh...

A woman...

And?

What?

And her back is to me...

Or maybe
something happens where...

Her head turns,
and I can see that her face is all...

Um...

- What?
- Just tell us.

Her skin is stretched

over her eyes and her mouth.

- Ew!
- She's got no face?

No...

Skin where her eyes and mouth
should be, you know...

- Oh, my... Ew.
- Yeah, yeah...

And...
Over the holes in her ears...

Oh!

Okay...

How's that for timing?

- Okay...
- Nice.

What the hell
is going on up there?

What is she doing up there?

You think she's exercising
or something?

No, you think she's sweatin'
to the Oldies up there?

No way.

Oh, you know
what it probably is?

- What?
- What is it?

I'm just realizing...

- It's the Faceless Lady...
- Oh, nice.

- ...telling us to be quiet.
- That's very funny.

Are you drunk?

Or maybe
she wants some turkey.

But how
would she eat turkey?

She's got no mouth.

You know... I'm...
Thank... I'm glad I...

I... I opened up
about my nightmare.

Oh, my God,
just tell us the rest.

Thank you
for your love and support.

Hey!

Should I ask
the dinosaur upstairs

to tread
a little more softly?

Not unless
you speak Cantonese!

Just get down here.

You'll
appreciate this, Erik...

Last week, I dreamt
that I fell through

an ice cream cone
made of grass

- and became a baby.
- Okay, no, no, no,

save the dreams for Christmas,
we're ready to eat here.

- Aimee!
- Why don't I go up there

and just ask your neighbors
to please...

- No! Dad... Dad.
- ...just to keep it down.

The floors are so old.
Listen...

Why?

Showing Dad
how creaky the floors are.

Okay.

I think he's got it.

Bridge,
you're shaking the fixtures.

Try it.

- No.
- Ha! Ha!

Oh, my God!
I'm not meant to jump.

Join me!

Is this yours?

Yeah.

Whoo!

My gosh...

Do you see
the Mary statue?

She's talking to me
about marriage.

We were doing so good,

I don't know why
she's back to...

I don't know,
some things... Some...

I don't know.

Can I give you a little tip?

- Sure.
- Before you carve it,

you want it to sit out
and rest for a little bit.

Oh, okay.

Don't do it right away.

Maybe you could help...

How about cleaning up?

I can do
a few dishes for you.

Always.
Are you into shallots?

- Do I what?
- Do you like shallots?

Rich
made up this list

of pros and cons,
to move in or not to move in.

Aimee, his list...

I found this little guy

posted to the fridge
this morning.

Prepare yourself.

"Three simple ways
to find joy."

- Come on.
- I literally took it down.

Oh, no.

- Put it back.
- No.

- Yeah.
- No.

No, that's... Endearing.

The list is okay.

No.

No, I...

- No, that's good.
- ...couldn't look at it.

Poor Rich.

- He's great.
- But we were happy

without making it
so official, so...

I don't know.

Yeah, well, Carol and I
broke up because

we were unhappy...

And now, um...

Maybe loving someone
long-term is more

about deciding
whether to go through life

unhappy alone
or unhappy with someone else?

Richard can draw up
a list of reasons

why the breakup
was a good thing.

If you want.

I can ask him to draft
a very long list.

- Hey, wait.
- What?

Um, I need
to have that surgery.

- The one where they'll...
- I thought you could wait

- till your 60s.
- All these tests

showed that
it's just dysplasia,

which means
it's not cancer.

But it'll...

With colitis,
it'll become cancer

if they don't
take it out.

You'll lose
the whole intestine?

Cures the disease, though,

so...

But, yeah,

they make a hole
in your abdomen and then...

So the waste can,
you know...

Do Mom and Dad know?

No, I don't want to
discuss it at dinner.

But...

I'm okay.

I'm mostly just, like,

how am I gonna find
another girlfriend?

- You're a complete catch.
- Oh, God.

I'm gonna be pooing out
of a hole in my abdomen.

Who's gonna date me?

Lots of people.

Lotta ugly people.

Aimee...

A lot of just troll ladies,

who have
their own troll problems

living under bridges.

If you shat
out your ears,

if they rerouted your
colon to your ears,

I'd still marry you.

Bridge!

Can you bring down
some paper towels?

I could come
and get the paper towels

if you don't want...

Or...

You know,
I'm more worried about...

Did you notice Mom's knees?

Going down the stairs?

Oh, yeah,
I'm afraid to ask her

- how her arthritis is.
- Yeah.

And Dad's back...

Well, you know
it's bothering him.

- Yeah.
- I mean, can't you...

- ...tell?
- No. But maybe it's 'cause

he hasn't been sleeping.

- Shit...
- Was that this light?

Yeah, fuck. Rich,
the light up here is out.

Do we have a spare bulb?

Open the bathroom door.

Let the light
spill into the...

That's not
a very good solution, Richard.

Well, I'm not a magician,

you want me
to make a light bulb appear

- out of thin air?
- Hey, Rich, how 'bout

there's an LED lantern
in our care package.

Let me get that out

so it's not like a cave
up there, problem solved.

No, Deirdre, please,

you don't have to do that.
Sit... Relax.

You bought us a lantern?

I bought it!

You'll thank me later.

After what the hurricane did
to this neighborhood,

you can't be without light.
Not in a basement apartment!

Are these surgical masks?

They say another storm's
gonna strike this year.

You're in a Zone-A
flood zone!

I don't blame you
for worrying after, um...

Brigid told me
about you and Aimee.

That's sort of annoying.

Obviously.

Maybe a little
too much tuna, Mom.

Good to know.

Should this be out for dinner?

- I wasn't sure if...
- No...

That's not a thing,
Rich. No.

Oh.

There are literally

3,000 double-A batteries
in here.

There are literally 12.

What's funny is

Bridge is the one
who would...

Well...

You can imagine her
as a teenager.

- Oh...
- Yeah.

She was a piece a work.

Bridge... What?

She loved teasing me

because Scranton
was a stone's throw

from the greatest city
in the world

and I'd never even,
you know...

I'd never even seen
the Statue of Liberty,

never seen the...
She was a piece of work.

- Bridge...
- So when Aimee, um,

got an interview

to be a paralegal
at this New York firm,

I took the day off
and drove her in.

Aimee was at her interview
by 8:45, 37th floor.

I was at a Dunkin' Donuts
across the street,

'cause the observation deck
didn't open until 9:30,

otherwise...

Oh, man.

Took me hours to find her

because I didn't have a cell back then.

Can't even imagine it.

- Yeah.
- So crazy.

What's crazy is how you still mess
up, you know?

Hmm.

- I heard something!
- Okay!

Where did it go?
Did you see it?

Whoa!
Hey, what's going on?

- I have nothing to stand on.
- Whoa, are you okay?

There's a cockroach.

- Where did it go?
- Just relax.

It was
an American cockroach,

they're huge.
Don't get so upset.

Ew. Okay.

A cockroach the size
of a mouse is upsetting!

I'm not gonna...

I don't think
I can be up here right now.

All right, I'll get
it when it comes back.

Shouldn't we kill it?

- Okay.
- I'm not killing it.

I'll get it
when it comes back.

- Don't laugh.
- I didn't.

You gotta caulk.

Why don't you let me caulk,
I'll put down some boric acid.

Okay. I hear you.

- I hear you, Erik, all right.
- Well, you didn't.

I had roaches once.

When?

My first Philly apartment.

- They ate all the food.
- What?

Mom?

Mom?

Mom?

Dee, Mom's gone!

Mom! Mom?

Oh, my God, Mom!

Mom! Hey! Hey...

- Mm.
- Good.

Babe, is this a thing?

Is this a thing?

No that's not a thing.

I think this is a thing.

Wow!

...you bitch...

Hey, should we
bring her wheelchair

to the table for dinner?

No, no,
she'll be sleeping soon.

Does the medicine
make her sleep?

- Why shouldn't she...
- It just calms her down.

We can bring her to the table,
see how she feels.

Yeah, don't knock her out
just because...

Hey, if you want
to come home more often

and help control her
tantrums, then you can judge

the way
we care for her.

I'm not trying to judge you.
I just want...

Can't you hire someone

- to help you out?
- Costs 100 bucks a night

to hire someone
to watch her,

100 bucks to make sure
she doesn't fall and get hurt.

Hey, okay...

No, she needs to think
before she opens her mouth.

Let's all just...

God bless us, everyone.

Will everyone
eat dark meat?

Will we eat dark meat?

We'll eat it all, Rich,
just send it our way.

I will, it's just...

I'm back on Weight Watchers.

That's great, Mom.

- Oh, thanks, yeah. It's tough.
- Yeah.

One baby ice cream cone

takes up half my points
for the day.

Yeah.

Same for a junior
cheeseburger from Wendy's.

- Tough staying on track.
- Yeah.

Especially when you
eat a bucket of ranch dip

before dinner.

It's the last side dish, yeah?

- Don't worry about it.
- I'm not being careful

- about points today.
- Nope.

- Not on holidays.
- No.

I got you
a drink, baby.

Oh, thanks, babe.

♪ Here comes turkey ♪

Wow, look at that.

♪ Turkey for the people ♪

- That's gorgeous.
- Nice.

Too nice.

My partner
is a singer.

Is that, uh...
Is the candles, are they okay?

No, they're not...
Yeah, they're fine.

It's ambiance.

I don't know what it is...

Hands.

- Oh...
- Oh, yeah.

Okay.

- Bless us...
- Oh, Lord,

and these thy gifts

which we are about to receive
from thy bounty,

through Christ our Lord, Amen.

- Did you hear that?
- MoMo,

I'm really glad you're here!

Uh... Is...
Is it crazy if we do it again?

- Just one more time?
- No...

- Let's do it some more.
- You have to, yeah.

Bless us, oh, Lord,

and these thy gifts
which we are about to receive,

from thy bounty,
through Christ our Lord, Amen.

- Yay, Mom!
- Yay, Momo!

Oh, Mom...
You remember Aimee and Brigid,

Mom, these are
your granddaughters.

We're glad
you're here, Momes.

Don't put
the spotlight on her.

Oh, no, no, no.

Okay. No, no, no.
Okay, okay, okay.

Guys, dig in.
Don't wait.

It just all looks so great.

- Looks good.
- Wow.

What's this?

Oh,
it's a rainbow chard salad,

it's packed with nutrients.

Everything else
is familiar.

The sweet potatoes...

Shower in holes.

What?

What?

MoMo's Christmas toast.

I'm sorry.

Okay. On Christmas,

MoMo always delivers
a traditional Irish toast,

it's ancient...
It's ancient, right?

Yeah, it's ancient
and it's beautiful, but...

One year, Aimee's mind
was in the gutter.

I was 12.

Ever since, the blessing
sounds kinda dirty to us.

No, to you guys
it sounds dirty.

Not to us.

What's the blessing?

"May the Virgin
and her Child

"lift your latch
on Christmas night."

Oh...

- Ooh.
- Not you, too, Rich.

I know, right?

They don't get it.

We get it,
we just don't agree.

I first thought
latch-lifting

was some kind
of sexual position.

Mom! Ew.

No, I'm serious.

I thought maybe
it was like scissoring,

- or something.
- Oh, my God.

I'm never telling you
anything again.

You must never say the word
"scissoring" ever again.

Oh, Mom.

- I got it.
- She's rebelling.

You stay down.

No, I got it,
you keep eating.

I got it, keep eating.

So, Rich,
are you balancing a job

with all your studies

or you just racking up
the college loans?

I...
I've gone the loan route.

Uh-huh.

But I plan
on paying everything off

as soon as possible.

His grandmother...

He gets a small trust
when he turns 40...

Can I tell them?

Do you want to ask
if you can tell them

after you tell them?

- Are you mad?
- Like a trust fund?

Sorry, don't be embarrassed.

I'm not embarrassed.

His grandmother
didn't want him spoiled,

so he doesn't see any of
his money until he's 40.

You haven't reached
that milestone yet, Rich?

Ha-ha.
- No, not quite, I'm 35.

Would you pass the,
um...

Uh, yeah,
we got the veggies

from a farmer's market
on Essex.

They're delicious.

We're gonna try and keep
our fridge stocked with them,

- start juicing for breakfast.
- Cool.

You guys liking
any other superfoods?

Rich made up a list
that I e-mailed to these guys.

Yes, I even bought blueberries
last week.

You also bought
blueberry donuts.

They're not cheap.

Yeah, and you had
three of them,

so don't act like
you're better than me.

I did, no, I did.

Sadly, donuts
are cheaper, too, huh?

- Yeah.
- Not much cheaper

when you consider
how much heart disease costs

once you're hospitalized.

It's the truth. I mean...

Great, thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving.

What, um...

When you turn 40,
what happens?

Do you just retire?

No, Dad, he's studying
to become a social worker.

Yeah, um, the main reason

why I'm not done
with school yet is

- because I was in and out...
- He took time off.

Well, yeah, because
for a while I was...

Babe, you don't
have to tell them.

It's fine,
it's fine, um...

In my early 30s,
I was depressed for a bit.

I'm fine now, um...

Just took a while for me

to get up and running
again, but, um...

I've been better
for years now,

it's why I'm comfortable
talking about it.

Take medicine for that?

Dad,
that's rude to ask him.

It's fine.
I'm sorry, hey, I'm sorry.

It's just, in our family,

we don't... We don't have
that kinda depression.

Yeah, no, we just have
a lot of stoic sadness.

Well, hey, I'm sorry,
if I, uh...

No...

Okay.

Just makes you wonder,
you know,

if the kind of faith
we grew up with...

It's not perfect, but you
take for granted what a...

Uh, a kinda natural
antidepressant it is.

No religion at the table.

My mouth is shut,

- you know where I stand.
- You brought a statue

of the Virgin Mary
into our house.

- How is your mouth shut?
- All right, all right...

I didn't mean to get us
into this.

All I'm saying is

I think it's funny
that you guys'll try...

You put faith in,
um, juice-cleansing...

I did one
juice cleanse... One.

...or yoga,
but you won't try church.

My mouth is shut.

You eat, uh, chard
to feel your best

but you still, you said...

Half your friends
are in therapy.

- That's because...
- That's what you said.

- Yeah, because...
- I'm asking.

I was trying to get you
to pay for mine,

I can't afford it.

Well, why don't you
save some money

you spend on organic juice

and pay for it yourself.

Don't criticize me for caring
about my mental health.

- Well...
- Okay.

How about Rich's mom
is a therapist,

why don't you get it
from her?

Yeah, Dad, I'll get therapy
from my mother-in-law,

that's an awesome idea.

She's not your mother-in-law
unless you get married.

Looking for work every day,
it's depressing.

Well, you still got
the will to eat superfoods.

If you're so miserable,

why're you trying
to live forever?

Last week...

- I shouldn't even tell you.
- Tell us what?

I don't think
you guy's realize

- how much she's been...
- Babe...

You don't have to explain.

How hard she's been
working, actually.

Tell them,
you'll feel better.

- Tell us what?
- He won't care.

Play them the piece,
you'll feel better.

- Play it for them.
- You wrote new music?

- Play what?
- I want to hear.

I... I spent
over a year finishing it,

- and I sent it to...
- It sounds good.

- Yeah, no... Thanks. But...
- It's great.

I found out
a grant I wanted

isn't gonna come through,

and it's my fifth rejection
this year.

Well, you can always
work retail.

- Don't tease her.
- Dad...

Hey, Bridge.

Hey,
are you so spoiled

that you can't see
you're crying over something

hard work can fix?

You're lucky to have
a passion to pursue.

Now if you don't care
about it enough

to push through
these setbacks,

you should quit
and do something else.

Babe...

Babe, the staircase light
is out!

- Shit!
- Welcome to New York, guys.

It's just a light bulb.

- We'll live.
- I don't wanna see you upset

- over something you can fix.
- Let me... I really don't

- need a lecture now.
- The Blakes bounce back.

- That's what we do.
- Richard, why didn't we ask

the landlord to replace
all the light bulbs

before we moved in?

Because
that's a crazy thing

to ask for, babe,
no one asks for that.

Nah, they're probably
all on their last legs.

Yeah, no one asks for it,
and even if they did...

- What are you...
- It wouldn't matter because...

What are you laughing at?

She's burning out the bulbs
to get our attention.

- What?
- What... Who is?

She-With-No-Face...

She strikes again!

- Now you got her started.
- What's so funny? What?

Dad sees faceless
women in his sleep.

You're a crazy person.

Where are you going,
crazy lady?

To the bathroom.

It's gonna be like
spelunking just to go pee.

Here we go. Here we go.

- Buckle up.
- Who is this headless person?

Oh, uh, faceless,
she has skin

covering her eye sockets
and her mouth.

And I hope she finds you
in your sleep

and casts an evil spell
on you.

Oh, yeah, smart-ass?

Yeah... Hey, stop it.

Oh,
now you wanna be compassionate!

How lucky you are.

The evil sorceress

- has all my support.
- Aimee?

No, thanks.

Last week, I dreamed I fell
through an ice cream cone

made of grass
and became a baby.

Richard, are you kidding
me with the sharing?

What? I can share it if I want.

- Yes, you can, and I love you.
- Hey... Come on.

But when you share dreams
with my family,

I become a crazy person.

All right, lover-of-all,
come with me.

Anyone need anything else
right now?

All right,
come on, Aimee.

Are you done, sir?

- Yes, ma'am.
- And he's finished.

You guys need some help?

No, you guys relax.

You had a hard day.
The women folk will do it.

You said that
like you meant it.

I...

Thanks for offering,
Dad, thank you.

- Aimee...
- Please rest yourself.

We got it. Right, princess?

Okay, you literally
cannot call me a princess.

Oh, no,
I literally can.

The cone was made of, uh...

Grass from my backyard.

- From your backyard?
- My backyard. Yes.

It got twisted
into an ice cream cone.

Yeah...

In my head,
it was so normal.

- Oh...
- Yikes.

In mine...

There was
this one other weird thing...

- In your dream?
- Yeah. Uh...

I didn't bring it up
because, you know,

the girls already think
I'm losing it, you know.

But, uh, the woman
without a...

She's trying
to get me into this...

Like a tunnel.

Yeah, what do you do?

Uh... I don't move,
I don't know.

Tunnels are, um...

In my class, we got this list
of primitive settings.

Tunnels, caves,
forests, the sea.

Stuff that's
so a part of us that...

You know, 200,000 years ago,

someone might've
closed their eyes

and seen a similar kind of...

It's a trash compactor.

Get in it next time,

the tunnel...

Get in it.

Oh, thanks, I'll try that.

I'm serious,
get in it next time.

Whoa.

Tunnels can just be stuff
hidden from yourself.

So passing through one
could be a favorable omen.

Is it a fortune-telling
school you're at?

No.

- "A favorable omen," you sure?
- Yeah... No... Yeah.

You gonna bring out
a crystal ball later.

No. No, I'm... I'm not.

What's so funny?

We're conferring over
Mom's latest e-mail forward.

...or any of it
makes sense.

Did you get it, Dad?

What are we talking about?

Rich,
Mom's subject line was,

"Please read this"
in all caps.

All caps. It got flagged
by my IT department

as being
"potentially harmful."

She forwarded an article

from the Scientific American

- about how nothing's solid.
- Yeah.

Like,
when you're touching a table,

you're actually feeling
its molecules bouncing...

We're not even solid,
we're, um...

Electrons.

- Electrons...
- Yeah.

- ...bouncing back against...
- Electrons, yeah.

And it also had
vague religious overtones.

And at the bottom,
there was a poem

in about 10 fonts
about how we already

are a part of everything...

Guys, don't make fun
of your mom.

We're making fun
of the e-mail.

- I mean it.
- Come on, it's a little crazy.

You know, to...

You gotta start
writing her back, too.

- I mean it.
- I know.

- I will.
- Even to stuff like that.

That's the laundry room,
that'll die down.

Think she heard that?

She didn't hear it.

I don't think so.

She didn't, right?

Rich, we're
pig smashing, get in here!

- Okay, we all here?
- Pig smashing.

- How does this work?
- Okay.

You're just
going to love this.

We each pass it around.

Say what we're thankful for...

And then smash it.

And then we each eat
a piece of the peppermint

for good luck.

That is
the weirdest tradition.

Oh, please,
that's the weirdest?

Wait till you spend
a Christmas with us.

Yeah, she's threatening
to invite all the Bhutanese

in Scranton over
for caroling.

That's not a threat,
honey, that's happening.

Oh, God.

Okay, babe, you start.

Ah. Uh,
now I'm nervous. Okay. Um...

Dad...

Okay. Um...

This year,
I am most thankful

for falling in love
with Brigid

and getting a new family
in the process.

Sweet.

- Do I?
- Yeah.

Okay.

- Ooh.
- That...

- That was terrible.
- I don't know,

- you made me go first!
- Do it hard.

Rich, it was a fine smash.

- Okay, Dad, please go next.
- Thank you.

Okay, all right,
I already gave one speech

so, uh, just
let me say, uh...

I am thankful

for your unconditional
love and support.

Um, and hope there's nothing

any of us could ever do
to change that,

because this is what matters.

This family.

- Oh!
- Got it?

That's... I see.
I see the technique.

- Showoff.
- All right...

I'm with your dad and, um,

it may sound cliche,

but I'm thankful
for the both of you.

Oh!

- Wow.
- Nasty.

- Showed you, Dad.
- Mom.

That was intense.

- That was awesome.
- You go next.

Okay.

Okay. I'll...
I'll state the obvious.

There will never be a year
that I'm not thankful

that the observation deck
didn't open until 9:30,

and I'm thankful
MoMo's with us,

and, oh, um,

a wise, old, haggard,
drunk man

- once told me that...
- Stop now. Time out.

...pursuing my passion
is a gift

and I'm grateful
for that reminder.

Even if I end up pursuing it
while managing an H&M.

- I'm lucky.
- See what you've done.

I'm being serious.

And now that everyone's, um...

If anything were to ever
happen to me,

like an accident or something,
which it won't,

but I'd like to be cremated.

It's weird to talk about,

because you guys
do open casket,

so I've been trying
to find a way to bring it up

that isn't morbid or weird.

Well,
you didn't find it, Bridge.

- Are you serious?
- I am serious.

- You're crazy.
- You're crazy.

No one in this family
can handle honesty.

No, you're right,
dinner is the perfect place

to discuss what we should do
with your dead body.

- Thank you.
- I hate you all.

Oh, my gosh.

- All right, that's it.
- Hey!

Pass me the pig, okay.

Hey, that's more
than one hit. I only got one.

- I got three.
- That's not fair.

God, Bridge.

Um...

So, in a year
where I lost my job,

my girlfriend,
and I'm bleeding internally,

really a banner year...

I'm thankful
for what's right.

Okay. I'm...

I love that in times
like this, I have a...

A home base, a family
I can always come home to.

Thanks for giving us that.

You always have to win.

Yeah, she really cremated you.

Right? Right?

She cremated you.

Just when you couldn't get
less funny.

- She really cremated you.
- No!

I respect that.

- Wow.
- Yours was better.

Oh...
Uh, how about for MoMo?

Uh, should we read
MoMo's e-mail?

- It makes us cry, Dad.
- Get out the Kleenex.

This might be our
last Thanksgiving together.

Can we please give her
a voice?

- Of course.
- Has he heard this?

I heard about
it, but not the actual...

Well, she wrote this

right before
she got really sick, Rich.

Uh, it was an e-mail
to these girls, and, uh...

- Was it four years ago?
- Yeah.

Give it to me,
you're gonna end up asking me to finish.

"Dear Aimee and Brigid,

"I was clumsy around you
both today and felt confused.

"I couldn't remember
your names

"and felt bad about that.

"It's strange slowly becoming
someone I don't know.

"But while I am still here,
I want to say,

"don't worry about me
once I drift off for good.

"I'm not scared.

"If anything,
I wish I could've known

"that most of the stuff
I did spend my life

"worrying about
wasn't so bad.

"Maybe it's because
this disease

"has me forgetting
the worst stuff,

"but right now, I'm feeling
nothing about this life

"was worth
getting so worked up about.

"Not even dancing at weddings.

"Dancing at weddings always
scared the crap out of me,

"but now it doesn't seem
like such a big deal.

"Dance more than I did.

"Drink less than I did.

"Go to church.

"Be good to everyone you love.

"I love you more
than you'll ever know."

I am buying
a pig for my family.

He wants you to like him.

- We love him.
- We do, he's in.

Look out
for each other, okay?

Hey,
if you're having another one,

fine, but I'm calling

- a car for you guys.
- Erik.

Thanks for drinking
responsibly, Dad.

I'm forgetting
that I'm not at home,

I'm sorry. Sorry.

I don't mind
using my work account

- now that I'm on my way out.
- No.

No way.
No, it'd cost you a fortune.

I'll drive,
I've been drinking water.

What'd we do
about our car?

Mom, for, like,
10 minutes.

This is on me.
I'm calling a car,

- end of discussion.
- Bus it into the city

this weekend
and help us paint, okay?

We'll put you to work.

- Just take a car.
- Yeah, yeah.

I just, I'm not used to
driving on Thanksgiving, Rich.

No worries.
Don't worry.

Hi, I, uh...
Yeah, I need a car.

I think there's street
cleaning in the morning.

No case number...

I love you so much,
thank you.

Yeah, exactly.

How do you know
when the streets are cleaned?

It's good,
it's coming to a close.

How is your holiday?

Three, but one of them
is in a wheelchair.

Do you guys need a van
for MoMo?

Here.
Give me the phone.

Give me the phone.

I'm just saying,
for her wheelchair.

No,
go downstairs, honey.

You might
need a bigger car.

We don't
need a van if...

No, it folds.

A lot cheaper, or...

Well, the van is good,
then, that's fine.

Then we'll call Paul.

Dessert is on the way.

Thank you, so is the car.

Oh, man, I can't believe
there's more food.

Ma, don't worry about it,
it saves me a cab ride.

I can hitch a ride with you
guys to Penn Station.

- Yeah.
- Okay. Uh...

He'll come at 6:00,
but we can change the time if you want.

- Sounds good.
- Okay, I can make a 7:05.

- It's perfect.
- Thanks, Aimee,

I'm embarrassed
we had to do this.

First time
for everything, right?

This is all
from a local bakery.

Really? Oh, my God.

Are you too drunk
to thank your daughter?

The bakery is called...

Elephant's Dream.

Elephant's Dream Bakery.

Hey, are you too drunk
to thank your daughter?

Incoming.

Wow.

Well, I officially fell off

the Weight Watchers wagon,
so...

Whoa.
These look beautiful.

I... I'll have, um...

I'll have...

Give her the one
with all the frosting,

that's the one she wants.

I'll have the, um...

I'll...

I'm just gonna...

You okay, Momes?

I'm going to take her
to the bathroom.

- I can help you, Mom.
- Rich, would you help her

get her settled upstairs?

- Dad, I said I'd help.
- Sure, yeah.

No, you stay here, will you?
Just stay.

- Why?
- Because I wanna, I wanna...

I wanna talk about how, uh...

About what?

We may be
moving soon. So...

- Dad, what's wrong?
- What's going on?

Nothing,
everybody's okay.

- I mean, it's all right.
- Are you sick?

No, no,
no one's sick.

It's just, um,

we sold
the lake property, okay?

- What... When?
- To help with...

Okay...

Just... Go...

Dad?

Um...

St. Mark's let me go,

so we've had to
tighten our belts...

Why would they
let you go?

And we're figuring how...
Well, that's not...

I'm not getting
my pension now,

they could fire me before
it kicked in, all right?

They can take away
your pension?

Uh, well,
they're a private school,

they can do whatever they want.

But why did they fire you?

They have
a morality code,

and St. Mark's makes you
sign it

- and if you...
- Why would a morality code...

Were you, like,
selling drugs on a playground?

There was
an incident, all right?

- And they could...
- What kind of incident?

They could fire me
because of this incident.

What are you
talking about?

I cheated on your mom
with a teacher from school

and, um...

We're okay,

but I realize
this is a lot to just...

Are you guys okay?

We worked through it,
okay?

We met with Father Paul

and we're good.

Okay...

But people talk and we
don't want you to hear it

from other people, okay?

We'd rather
that you hear it from us.

Okay, so you want us...

You just want us to just,
what? Just to know?

Yeah.

I'm already at a Walmart
in Danville,

to keep money coming in.

Dad, for how long?

Why the one in Danville?

Uh, it's...
I don't want the kids from school

- seeing me there.
- God.

Something full-time
should open up

this spring, so...

So, what...

The cost of taking care
of MoMo's been a surprise.

- Are you guys...
- You wouldn't even believe

how much one of...

Okay, so you're behind.
How much are you behind?

So the plan
is to sell the house

and rent an apartment
because we don't need space.

Are there even
apartments in Scranton?

- Who lives in an apartment?
- Of course there are.

Hey, getting a place
on one level is good

because, you know, your mom
won't be climbing up stairs.

Doesn't sound good, Dad.

It sounds like
you're in a deep hole.

I'm working it out, Aimee.

- Do you have anything saved?
- No.

Dad, do you have anything
in savings?

No, I have no savings,
Aimee. No.

- Okay, okay.
- We've been stretched.

Well, you're telling us this
when you're drunk.

So sorry
if I'm getting frustrated.

Can you take her?

- He lives in a trailer.
- Yeah.

- But he has no money.
- To the...

No,
you've got no choice

but to collect unemployment.

- That's not fair.
- Hey, hey. Easy, easy...

I can't get a break
if I'm working full-time.

It's not unfair for you
to get some marketable skills.

We're working it out,
I love your mom.

Oh, yeah,
you're working it out, but...

Okay? We're good.

Oh, you're good,
but you're not sleeping

and Mom's still eating
her feelings!

- Brigid, shut...
- I'm...

Mom...

Mom, I didn't...
I didn't mean it.

I know you think there's
something wrong with me,

it's not a newsflash.

I think something's
wrong with everyone.

Please don't act like a martyr
when I'm trying to apologize.

- Brigid...
- Bridge...

Brigid,
would you please...

I'm gonna go ask
that woman

to stop banging
her fucking feet.

Bridge!

Bridge!

You bitch.

- I can't hear her now.
- Bitch, you go home.

It's okay. It's okay.

Yeah, she...
Go with your mother. Go with her.

She's okay,
just give us a moment.

Go home! Go home.

Would you go with your mom?
Go with your mom.

Go home!
Go home, go home.

Would you go
with your mom?

Go, go with your mom.

Oh, God,
they're everywhere.

Okay, all right.

They're everywhere.

They're comin' after you,
ya bitch.

What's wrong
that you did this?

Go home
to fucking your bitch.

Why don't you go home?

What's wrong that you
did this?

Okay. Okay.

It's okay.

Okay, Ma, it's okay.

It's okay.

All right, it's good.

I know. I know.

It's okay, it's okay,
it's okay.

It's okay, it's okay...

I know.

Go home!

Brigid!

Bridge!

What's going on?

Babe...

What happened?

I don't know.

Wanna just breathe?

That e-mail
about us being electrons

wasn't religious.

It was from a science website.

I drank too much.

I gotta use the, uh...

Mom...

It smells really bad
in there.

I'm sorry.

Should have got Brigid
that candle.

Let's go to the bathroom now.

How's your knee, okay?

Okay, in we go now.

Gonna go for a walk
around the block.

You okay?

Yeah,
I want some air, Dad.

I've been losing
sleep trying to...

I was saying to Father Paul

- in how...
- What are you...

...just thinking
about losing you guys...

- What are you...
- ...gets me thinking about how,

when you were gone,

- this fireman was holding...
- Dad, Dad...

...a body
with your suit on.

But there was a coat of ash
melted on to her,

like she got turned
into a statue,

like there was gray
in her eyes and mouth even,

it was like her whole...

The car company will call you
when they're ready.

Leave your phone on the
window so it'll ring.

Aimee...

Brigid?

Brigid?

- Guys, the car is out front!
- Oh, my God.

Aimee, could you help me
get her coat on?

Yeah,
you never check your texts.

- Yeah.
- Dad?

Where's Brigid?

Out with Rich,
he's embarrassed. She's...

It's fine.

Dad!

I heard ya!

Can you bring Mom's
blanket and the pan we brought?

Uh-huh.

There you go.

So nice, isn't it?

I can take her.

- You got her?
- Yeah.

Oh, I got to get
my purse, okay?

I'll be right out.

All right,
we'll meet you in the car.

Okay.

Oh, shit.

Damn it.

Hello?

Hail Mary, full of grace.

The Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou
among women,

and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners.

Hail Mary, full of grace.
The Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou among women

and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God...

Hail Mary, full of grace.

The Lord is with thee

and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God...

Dad?

The driver is gonna have to
keep circling the block.

- Dad?
- Yeah.

No, here I come.

I can ride with
you guys to Penn Station,

take the subway back.

It's not far.

Thanks.