The House (2022) - full transcript

A house and the surreal tales of three generations of families who made it their home.

[dramatic music playing]

[door slams shut]

[girl] How do you do, Auntie Eleanor?

Well, hello, Mabel. What a lovely house.

Shall we go read together in the garden?

[woman] Mabel!

[Mabel] Coming, Mama!

[footsteps pattering]

[owl hooting]

[wood clanking]

[matchbox shuffling]



When will they be here, Papa?

Any minute now, Mabel.

Are they nice people?

No, they're not.

[rooster crowing]

- [chickens chittering]
- [horse snorting]

How dis...

[Papa] Penny, they're here.

- [glass shattering]
- Damn it!

[door creaking]

Raymond, it's very muddy out here.
My feet are getting wet.

[man clears throat]

[floorboards creaking]

[woman grunts]



Another girl.

Her name's Isobel.

Well, I can't see a thing.

Wait your turn, Georgie.
We're packed in here like cattle.

[chuckling]

How old are you?

[Mabel] I'll be nine in June.

Hmm, you look very small for your age.

Would you like to hold her?

No.

I'm cold.

Care for a sandwich?

[gasps] No.

[groans, sniffles]

[Mabel] Sandwich?

[man] Uh, no.

Did you make those curtains behind you?

Yes. Yes, I did.

She made my quilt too. And Isobel's shawl.

Poor children. [chuckling]

[snorts]
Why, isn't that the Mayhew commode?

[woman] So it is.

Well, from the lofty splendor
of the winter salon

to this gloomy corner of the world.

How we've fallen.

It belonged to my father.

Ha! Your father, worthless drunk!

Always whimpering. Whimpering about money.

Whimpering about debts.
He was a whimperer.

Gambled away everything.

Oh, not the Mayhew commode!

And you, Raymond,
with your education and opportunities.

It shocks me

that you still haven't managed
to lift yourself out of this squalor.

I see your father in you, Raymond.
It's a weakness.

[suspenseful music playing]

[groans]

Night night, Isobel.

They're very strange people,
aren't they, Mama?

They have their ways, but they are family.

- [thumping, glass shattering]
- [Raymond] Ow! [grunts]

- [door slamming shut]
- [sighs]

There goes your father.

Is he sad, Mama?

He should be fine in the morning.
He just needs some fresh air.

[owl hooting]

Damn it!

[murmuring]

- [urine splashing]
- [Raymond] You pathetic pig!

Look at you.

Eleanor was right. [murmuring]

[eerie whistling in distance]

Huh?

[spooky laugh echoing]

[suspenseful music playing]

Huh?

[spooky laughing]

[spooky laughing]

[door squeaks]

[indistinct whispering]

[suspenseful music intensifying]

[music ends abruptly]

[fire crackling]

- [Raymond] Penny!
- [gasps]

I'm hungry.

[groaning, munching]

Something amazing just happened.

[grunting]

A miracle!

What is? What are you saying, Raymond?

What happened?

Everything's changed. [chuckling]

Everything. [grunting, chomping]

Fantastic. Mmm.

Wine. Penny, wine!

Wine?

Honestly, Raymond,
I wish you would just tell me...

- [thuds]
- [gasps]

[snoring]

[spoon clattering]

[ominous music playing]

- [plates clattering]
- [snoring softly]

[snoring loudly]

Shouldn't we wake Papa?

[Penny] No, Mabel. Let him sleep it off.

[knocking on door]

Ah!

Good day, madam. My name is Thomas.

I'm here on behalf
of my employer, Mr. Van Schoonbeek.

I'm here to discuss
the terms of the agreement.

Agreement?

[Thomas] Um, your husband spoke
with my employer last night, madam.

There was an agreement.

An agreement with who?

Mr. Van Schoonbeek.
He's an architect of great renown.

He's graciously offered his services
to build a house for you and your family.

Sorry, we're not in a financial position
for anything like that.

[inhales]
My husband must have gotten carried away.

You misunderstand, madam. It is a gift.

My employer has acquired the land
surrounding your cottage.

It is here that the house will be built.

You will come into possession of the land
as well as the estate upon its completion.

There is one condition.

The family must relinquish these premises
and take up residence in the house.

And that is all?
He doesn't want anything in return?

Money is no object to my employer, madam.

He is a great artist.

He desires nothing more
than creative satisfaction.

This Van Schoonbeek
was a friend of my father's.

He said we would be
the envy for miles around.

A beacon of light on the hill, Penny.

[dramatic music playing]

[floorboards creaking]

Regrettably, Mr. Van Schoonbeek
is a rather impatient man.

As such, we'll need
your permission in writing today.

Yes, I'll...

[suspenseful music playing]

[Thomas] Well, that's excellent.

So, when do you expect the work to begin?

Oh, I expect they've already started, sir.

Mr. Van Schoonbeek
doesn't like to dillydally.

[construction clanking]

[men yelling]

[thudding]

[melancholy music playing]

[laughing]

[Raymond] Well,

here we are.

Come on.

[Penny] Unbelievable.

[Raymond] Magnificent.

- [gasps] Oh!
- [bushes rustling]

[Thomas clears throat]

Ah! Good morning, Mr. Thomas.

You've brought some of your possessions.

[Raymond] Yes, just a few things.

The house is fully furnished, sir.

Mr. Van Schoonbeek
specifically designed every piece himself.

Oh, but I have pieces here that have been
in my family for generations.

[inhales] Of course.
I understand completely.

I'll have the men
store them somewhere secure.

- [door unlocking]
- [keys jangling]

[Thomas] Through here, please.
If you'd care to follow me.

[Raymond gasps] Look at those ceilings.

That's an interesting color.

This corridor leads to the sitting room,
library, various closets,

the billiard room, guest rooms.

[exhales]

[Thomas] The west wing staircase.

And here we have the withdrawing room.

You can settle down here for the day
if it pleases you.

Oh my. Look at that fireplace.

Look at this sofa!

[Penny] No curtains?

[gasps] A sewing machine!

[Raymond] Isn't it amazing?

Such fine material.

In the room opposite,
you'll find the dining room.

A selection of dishes
will be provided on a daily basis.

I shall take my leave now.
Good day, sir, madams.

[Penny] Thank you, Mr. Thomas.

[munching, slurping]

[Raymond] Oh, delicious!

Mmm, isn't it?

I'll never have to cook again.

[Raymond] Cooking?
It's a bloody waste of time.

[munching, slurping]

Who makes all this food?

Our servants, I suppose.

Ha.

[gas whirring]

[Raymond sniffs]

Now, look at that.

How beautiful.

[Isobel cooing]

Mama. Isobel, she's getting tired.

Hmm?

That's nice, Mabel.

Come on, Isobel.

Good night, Mama.

Good night, Papa.

Good night, Mabel.

[Penny] Night night.

[melancholy music playing]

[door creaking]

Look at that!

Our house.

[melancholy music continues]

[sewing machine rattling]

[Raymond] Huh.

[inhales, sighs]

- [matchbox shuffling]
- [ominous music playing]

[eerie whistling]

[sewing machine rattling]

[eerie whistling continues]

[spooky laughing]

- [spooky laughing continues]
- [ominous music intensifies]

[spooky laughing echoing]

[gasps]

[loud thudding]

[thudding continues]

[breathing heavily]

Come on, Isobel. Let's go.

[Thomas] Mr. Van Schoon...

It's... it is someone... someone... someone...

It's not just me. Not just me.

- Mr. Thomas!
- [frightened gasp]

What happened to the stairs?

[clears throat] Good morning, madam.

Uh, Mr. Van Schoonbeek
is making some minor adjustments.

You'll find a provisional passage
in the billiard room.

Thank you, Mr. Thomas.

[light tapping]

[Mabel] Oh.

[tapping continues]

[gasps]

[breathing heavily]

Morning, Mama.

Mama?

Mama? Mama.

[Penny] Oh!

I... [sighs]

...must have fallen asleep.

Come here, Isobel.

[whining]

There was a man outside my window.
We can't see outside anymore.

Um, Mabel, I've got so much work to do.

Go find your father.
I'll see what there is for breakfast.

But, Mama!

- [Isobel cooing]
- [Penny] No, Isobel, don't touch that.

[sawing]

[groans softly]

Morning.

We've just moved in.

[breathing heavily]

[groans softly]

[sawing continues]

[door opening and closing slowly]

[ominous music playing]

[spooky laughing]

[spooky laughing intensifies]

- [spooky laughing continues]
- [panting]

- [laughing]
- [Mabel] Papa!

Mabel! Look at this.

[laughing]

[men yelling]

[Mabel] Our home!

- [thudding]
- [men yelling]

What are they doing?

[gasps]
Well, I suppose they need the material.

[laughing]

[melancholy music playing]

[Raymond] Ah! Mr. Thomas.

[Thomas] Good evening.
Mr. Van Schoonbeek has a request to make.

[Raymond] Oh! What's that?

[Thomas] He would very much like
for you to accept these as a gift.

[Raymond] Oh my!

[Thomas] Please, take your time.

I'll wait here.

[Raymond] These are extraordinary.

[melancholy music playing]

[Thomas] Ah yes. Very good.

It's not too bold, do you think?

Oh, no, sir. No, no, no. Not at all.
Why don't you see for yourself?

They're wonderful.

Yes, and so modern.

I'm glad you like them.

Mr. Van Schoonbeek
has specifically created these garments

to complement his architectural vision.

You look foolish.

Both of you.

Mabel!

Why on earth would you say such a thing?

I'd like you to apologize.

Now, Mabel!

I'm sorry.

I hate this house! I hate it!

I wish we'd never left our home.

[melancholy music playing]

[Isobel clapping, cooing]

Isobel! Why aren't you asleep?

[cooing]

[whining, cooing]

[giggling]

[Mabel] Wait, where are you going?

Isobel, come back!

[cooing]

[gasps, inhales sharply]

Let's go back home.
We... we shouldn't be here.

- [Isobel laughing]
- [gasps]

Isobel!

[Isobel] Ooh, ooh, ooh! [grunts]

[Mabel] Careful!

Wait right there. I'm coming.

[Isobel cooing, speaking gibberish]

You want to go in there?

[speaks gibberish]

[door unlocking, creaking]

[Mabel gasping]

Our home.

My books.

My doll's house!

"One day, Princess Esme woke up

to find everyone in the kingdom
had fallen asleep."

[cooing]

"She sometimes wondered
whether it was she who was actually asleep

while everyone else was awake."

[sighs]

[silverware clattering continuously]

[ominous music playing]

[groaning, cooing]

- [stomach rumbling]
- [Mabel groaning]

You're hungry, aren't you?

Little bit.

[whimpering]

[murmuring]

[startled gasping]

[yelling, whimpering]

[gasps]

[Mabel] What's happened here?

[cooing]

[sewing machine rattling]

[footsteps approaching]

[Thomas] Uh, madam. Um, Mr. Van Schoonbeek
is very pleased with your fine work.

- Say, Mr. Thomas?
- [Thomas] Sir?

You wouldn't happen to know
what's wrong with this fireplace?

I just can't seem to get it going.

[sighs] I understand, sir.

Um, as it happens, I have something here
you might find useful.

[chair scraping on floor]

That's my old chair.

Indeed, it was stored away.

We were wondering
whether it might still be of use to you?

I'm not sure I actually need it anymore,
to be honest.

We have so many beautiful chairs now.

Uh, y... yes, indeed, sir.

I know what to do with it.

[sewing machine rattling]

[grunting, straining]

[match striking]

[fire crackling]

If you find yourself running low,
there's plenty more in the basement.

The basement.

Yes.

Thank you, Mr. Thomas.

[wind whooshing]

[sneezing, cooing]

[Mabel] Listen.

Someone's there.

[wood scraping the floor]

- [Isobel] Papa!
- [gasps] Oh, it's Papa!

Papa! Help! We don't know where to go!

We're getting hungry!

Papa!

- We have to find a way downstairs.
- Right away.

[Thomas sobbing]

[sobbing continues]

Mr. Thomas! We're lost.
We can't find the stairs.

Mabel, Isobel, there aren't any stairs!

[sniffling] He's changed everything again!

I don't want this anymore.

I'm just... I'm just an actor.

He gives me a script!

I have to say things to you and do things!

And I just can't anymore!
I just can't! I just...

[sobbing intensifies]

[ominous music playing]

[eerie vocalizing]

[vocalizing intensifies]

I don't know where to go, Isobel.

I'm lost.

[ominous music playing]

[groans]

[spooky laughing]

[spooky laughing intensifies]

Mama?

[cooing]

[Mabel] My doll's house.

- [Raymond] Mabel.
- [gasps]

My little girl.

- [gasping]
- [cooing]

Papa!

[exhales]

Mama!

Leave, Mabel.

Get away from here.

- [fire crackling]
- [gasps]

[breathing heavily] Ah!

Ah! Oh! Ah! [breathing heavily]

Leave, Mabel!

Please!

[Penny] Mabel...

[Mabel] Ah!

...save Isobel.

[Mabel breathing heavily]

Ah!

[panting]

[wind whooshing]

[melancholy music playing]

[melancholy music fades]

[male voice speaking indistinctly]

[birds chirping]

[melancholy music playing]

[male voice speaking indistinctly]

[male] Derek, can you hear me?

Yes. Hmm.

Listen, Derek.

Because of the erratic nature
of redevelopment and budgetary pressures,

I've had to let the construction guys go.

So, just deliver the kitchen ASAP.

Let me install it myself, all right?

But let me say this.
I will be expecting some reimbursement.

If not on this job,
then on my next refurb.

I mean, it's the least that you can do.

- [car engine starting outdoors]
- Hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Yes.

[grunting, sighs]

[groans]

It would be a shame
to ruin this relationship.

Now let's leave it at that,
shall we, Derek? [grunts]

Excellent.

Fine. Sure. Yeah.

Difficult phone call.
I'll talk to you soon, Derek.

[sighs]

[printer whirring]

[exhales]

Yes.

No.

I would like to talk to Erica Stephens
in Business Loans.

Erica Stephens.

Business...

Well, I have
20 to 25 very eager cash buyers.

And while I'd always say
that there are no certainties in life,

in this case, Erica,
I'm pretty bloody certain

I'll be calling you with good news
directly after the viewing.

I will call.

I promise.

[woman on radio] ...Sarah Arnold,
the senior economist

at the Economics Foundation.

Hi, Sarah, good morning to you.

[Sarah] Good morning.

[woman] You might say,
"It's not a good morning, Vanessa."

"It's a horrible morning."

You just announced there's a recession
on top of everything else.

How significant is it

when it's officially designated
a recession?

What does it mean essentially?
What do they have to base such a thing on?

[groans, inhales]

[Sarah] So, um, a technical recession,
which is what this is,

- is based on two quarters of falls in GDP.
- [beetles chittering]

So this... this record falling GDP
of 20%... uh, just over 20%,

which is the largest quarterly contraction
in the UK economy

- since records began in 1955...
- [grunts]

...with the Office of National Statistics...

[Vanessa] That's made it much worse.
You realize that, right? Terrible.

[contractor grunting, straining]

[straining continues]

- [dog barking outdoors]
- [exhales, sighs]

[sighs]

[melancholy music playing]

[tool tapping]

[birds tweeting]

[contractor grunting]

[power tool drilling]

[exhales]

[moans, sighs]

Right. [exhales]

[sighs]

[grunts]

[exhales]

[dog barking outdoors]

[sighs]

[music playing faintly]

[snoring]

[sniffling]

[bell tower ringing in distance]

[humming]

- Love you.
- [camera shutter clicks]

Yes!

["Lapdance" by N.E.R.D.
Feat. Lee Harvey & Vita playing]

Oh yeah.

Ooh!

Oh yeah!

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

[music intensifies]

[contractor] Woo! Woo, woo! Woo!

[slurping] Ah.

Hey, did you get the photo?

Isn't it incredible?

I told Derek I just saved myself £3,000.

Yeah, piss off. That's what I told him.

And you know, yesterday,

I had three new potential buyers
register online for the viewing.

Hey, I wanna send you
some hotel ideas for the Maldives.

We deserve it, right?

Yeah, of course we do, sweetheart.

Yeah, of course. Sorry.
Bye, sweetie. Miss you.

[munching, sniffling]

[faint chittering]

[gulps]

[sighs]

- Oh!
- [chittering]

[AI voice] ...wasp and bee nest removal.

Squirrel control. Bedbug.
Flea and mite control.

Mole and rabbit removal.
Ants, cockroaches, and other insects.

What do fur beetles look like?

- What types of fur beetles are there?
- [grunting]

So, what actually are fur beetles?

What damage do fur beetles cause?

How do you get rid of fur beetles?

Fur beetles are persistent pests

that can eat at your carpets,
clothing, and, in fact, all fabrics.

Getting rid of fur beetles
is a real challenge.

[coughing]

On seeing signs of infestation,
including larvae and brown fecal pellets,

take immediate action.

The larvae of the fur beetle
do the biggest...

[sniffs, exhales]

[grunts]

[groans]

[exhales]

[exhales]

Right!

- [grunts]
- [beetles chittering]

- [contractor] Yeah. Come on then! Come on!
- [machine whirring]

Yeah. Yeah. You like it?

You like it, do you?
You like it. Come on then.

[beetles chittering]

[contractor] You're going down.
You're going down. You're going down!

[grunts] You're going down. Yeah?

[banging]

Take it! Take it!

Ooh, ooh! [straining]

[banging intensifies]

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

[grunts]

Shit!

[banging continues]

Oof! Ooh!

You bast... You fu...

[snoring]

- [bell tower ringing in distance]
- [snorting]

[sighs]

[melancholy music playing]

[beetles scuttling, chittering]

[contractor] Hi, darling. It's me.

It's the biggest day of my life today.

If you could be thinking of me,
you know, maybe say a little prayer,

I'd really appreciate it.

Uh...

Hello?

[liquid splashing]

[grunts]

Come on.

Whoa!

- Come on!
- [doorbell buzzing]

[van engine roaring]

[humming]

What?

No.

What is that... What?

No! Listen to me!

I got someone else's food.
Don't you understand?

I'm hosting an event where people
are expecting canapés and champagne.

All I've got is
instant noodles and energy drinks!

Oh Christ!

[lounge music playing in background]

Welcome. Welcome.

Hi.

Wha...

What? God!

- [doorbell buzzing]
- [gasps]

[female] Chamonix has become
terribly plebeian now.

[male] Yeah. It's like a supermarket.

[indistinct chattering]

The size is okay,
but the layout is just confusing.

- Don't you think?
- [whining]

Daddy, Daddy, look at me. [laughing]

Oh! Oh dear.

[inhales] Hmm. Oh.

[gasps]

[clears throat]

- [crying]
- [female 2] Oh, Isobel. Shh.

[lounge music playing]

Right.

Now, for me, the sitting/dining room

is the beating heart of the house.

It's a place to rewind
after a long, stressful day.

Comforting, luxurious.
A family room, you could call it.

[Isobel crying]

Just to reiterate,

fittings and furnishings
are negotiable in the price.

But I think, like me,
you appreciate excellence,

and that is what is being presented
to you this afternoon.

[crying continues]

I think we can all imagine ourselves
stepping out onto the patio

and having a chilled glass of wine
in the evening.

Maybe some snacks in a bowl.

[female 2 sighs]
Would you please shut the door?

- [scoffs]
- Canapé?

Uh, no, thanks.

Oh.

[male 2] Come on, darling. Let's go.

[breathing heavily, moans]

Get yourself... get yourself together.

Come on. Come on.

[doorknob jiggling]

[sighs, groans]

Right.

[inhales]

- Yeah. Oh... Okay. Okay!
- [upbeat funk music playing]

[indistinct chattering]

[contractor] Wonderfully elegant,
isn't it? [humming]

- Carry on. Carry on. Enjoy yourselves.
- [squeals, giggles]

I call this kitchen "The World's Kitchen"

because of the participation
of so many countries

in its design and inception.

You'll all have noticed
the gray veining in the central island.

The very last marble to be quarried
from the Carrara region in Italy.

Pretty special.

We're walking upon
Galala marble from Egypt.

You can feel that ancient history,
can't you?

You can almost hear the Egyptians.

The sleek cabinets are Scandinavian
but manufactured in Germany.

So, finesse but also durability.

As in all the rooms,
lighting can be operated

through your smartphone
or a virtual assistant of your choice,

whereupon you can access
any number of tonal colors.

[applauding]

But really, the pièce de résistance
of not just the kitchen

but the entire house, in my opinion,

is that one thing that none of us
can live without these days.

Now, you all probably noticed
that we had a situation with the catering,

which I do apologize for.

But even without a chicken

and as a statement of the person you are
or the person that you want to be,

I think we can all see
the majesty of this,

this exquisite kitchen appliance.

The Châteaux Rotisserie Oven.

[gasps] Mmm. Ah!

- [sighs]
- [music skipping]

[high-pitched ringing]

[sighs]

Um, the... the Wi-Fi seems to be acting up.

[groans]

Ow!

[elderly male] We love
what you have done to the house.

[contractor] You do?

Very, very much.

Is the furniture included
in the higher price?

[contractor] Yes.

Wonderful.

Can we ask you some specific questions?

[contractor] Yes, of course.
Uh, ask me anything at all.

[inhales] Is that a crepe weave fabric
on the couches?

[chittering]

[contractor] I have the brochure
in my office. I can check.

What building insulation
have you used in the house?

Natural fibrous materials?

[contractor] It's a mixture
of wool, paper, and cotton, actually.

Oh. Nice.

[chuckling]

Oh. Uh...

Can you excuse me for a second, please?

Yes, bye. Bye. I'll be here if you, uh...

[elderly male] Delectable rugs.

[elderly female] So insulated

and... and comfortable.

[chittering]

[chuckling softly]

All good?

What funny shoes.

You should take them off.
No need for them now.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Can we have a look at the show bedroom?

Yeah, it's just through there. Feel free.

I'll be downstairs
if you need anything at all. Just call.

We're very interested in your house.

That's great news.

Extremely interested.

Yes!

Now where is that little shit?

Come on. Come to...

[chittering]

Oh Christ!

Come on then.

[groaning, straining]

Just bounce.

[exhales, coughing]

[panting, coughing]

[sniffling]

[chittering, screeching]

[contractor] Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

[contractor] Oh.

What are you doing?

We thought we'd turn in.

What? You mean sleep here?

Well, it is a bedroom.

We're extremely interested in the house.

Right. Uh...

Could we trouble you for two cups of tea?

[clicks tongue] Well,

good night then.

Sleep well.

[contractor] Jesus, Erica.

- [indistinct chattering in distance]
- [exhales]

[sighs]

- [beetles chittering]
- [gasps, whimpering]

[water splashing]

[contractor] Tell the others at the bank
I have buyers secured.

Yeah, thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, I know. It's fantastic.

I'm in the city, walking into a meeting

with their solicitors
right at this moment.

Sorry, what? The name of the solicitors?

Mmm, let me check that.
I'll get back to you.

[sniffing]

[high-pitched humming on TV]

[elderly male] Mmm, our television is
very difficult to work.

[spluttering] I... I can take a look...

Do you have any more canapés?

No, I'm afraid not.

What, with the viewing
being officially over.

[elderly male] We are extremely interested
in the house.

Yes, but exactly how interested are you?

Perhaps we should start negotiating
with your representatives?

Yes, we should, really.

Really?

Well, maybe you could get your solicitor
on the phone? Invite him over.

We should invite them over
for some food, straightaway.

Good.

If you could find any food, that is.

[host on TV] A perfect example
of what we call black mold on the wall.

Now, this is an outside wall,

and you can see the spots growing up here
on the surface of the wall...

[elderly couple chuckling]

[host] ...and even the ceiling.

The mold's, generally speaking, black,
but sometimes white...

They are going absolutely nowhere.

It's insane.

Because I had no one else to call but you!

Please don't put the phone down.
I've invested my whole life in this house.

You know that, darling.

Okay. Okay, I'm sorry.

I will never ever call you darling again,
sweetheart.

- [line hangs up]
- Oh! Damn it! Damn it!

[mumbling]

[yelling]

[grunting]

- [printer whirring]
- [panting]

[exhales]

[breathing heavily]

[drum beating slowly]

[upbeat melody playing]

[chittering]

[chittering]

[squealing melodically]

[upbeat music playing]

- [squealing]
- [music ends abruptly]

[blows kiss]

[upbeat music resumes]

[high-pitched squealing]

[beetles vocalizing melodically]

[high-pitched squealing]

[beetles continue vocalizing]

- [music ends abruptly]
- [blow-dryer whirring]

All right. It's pretty obvious you have
no intention of buying this house.

You think you can just lounge around
like this forever?

Eating my food, drinking my drinks?

No!

[gasps]

I'm ringing the police.
I'm ringing the police right now!

The phone is ringing.

Yes. I'd like to report a...
Well, I'm not too sure what it is.

A breaking and entering situation
without the breaking.

[doorbell buzzing]

An entering and then a refusal to leave,
let's call it.

A hostage-taking,

in which the house I'm trying to sell
is being held hostage. It's...

- [doorbell buzzing]
- It's confusing, yeah.

I just need you to send
a couple of police officers over quickly

to Van Schoonbeek Lane.

Christ, that was quick.
They're upstairs in the bath.

[male officer] Do you have a dentist
called Dr. Jafri, sir?

Yeah, has... has something happened to him?

My God! Is he all right? I... I...

[male officer] We've heard from Dr. Jafri

that you've been telephoning him
at all times of the day, sir.

Yeah. So, what?

[female officer] You're sharing with him
personal details about your life,

which he, as your dentist,
has absolutely no interest in.

Right. Uh...

[male officer]
You're overfamiliar with him,

and occasionally, you call him
"darling" or even "sweetheart."

All of that is true,
but none of it's important.

I've two guests upstairs in a bath
who are refusing to leave my house.

[male officer] You call Dr. Jafri again,
and he will take you to court.

Do you understand, sir?

Take me to court? Come back here!

I've done absolutely nothing wrong.
What are you talking about?

[sighs]

And who might you all be?

[elderly male 2 chuckles]

Oh, don't... don't mind me. Yeah. Oh.

They've been looking forward
to seeing our house.

- Your house?
- They are our family, visiting.

Your family?!

They're actually very nice people.

They lived here before, you know.

[splutters] Fuck!

- [elderly female chuckles]
- I've had enough! Enough! Do you hear me?

[grunting, yelling]

Where's that... where... where...

[indistinct mumbling]

[elderly female] Now fix us a cup of tea,
like a good man.

[laughing]

I'll give you tea, you bloody vermin.
Yeah. Yeah. Are you ready? Are you ready?

A nice cup of tea?
Nice cup... nice cup... nice cup of...

[spluttering, yelling]

[panting]

[elderly female chuckling]

[cat meowing]

[cat meowing melodically]

[upbeat ringtone version
of "Eine kleine Nachtmusik" playing]

[vibrating, ringtone continues playing]

[ringtone ends abruptly]

[footsteps approaching slowly]

Time to get you home.

[bell tower ringing in distance]

[group applauding]

[glasses clinking]

[drum beating slowly]

[clapping rhythmically]

[dramatic music playing]

[chittering]

[electricity fizzling]

[dinging]

[thudding]

[chittering]

[dramatic music fades]

- [slow dramatic music playing]
- [water gently crashing]

[birds screeching]

[electricity crackling]

[sighs]

[smacks lips]

[sighs]

[sighs, smacks lips]

Wallpaper, apartment 3. Hmm.

Uh...

[sighs]

Not again!

[door opening]

[upbeat classical music playing]

[humming]

Hmm.

[sighs]

[grunts, humming]

[chuckling, sighs]

Ooh!

Ooh. [sighs]

Ah. [chuckles]

Ooh!

[sighs]

[grunting]

[sighs] Oh!

Whoa! [exhales]

[grunts]

Huh?

Oh! No!

[gasps] Oh no. No. No!

[gasps]

No, no. N... n... n... no. No, no, no, no.

[screams, gasps]

[groans]

[exhales]

[grunts]

[sighs]

[yelling, grunting] Ah!

[groaning]

[door unlocking]

Ah. G... good morning, Rosa.

It's the afternoon.

Oh. [chuckling]

- Okay.
- You know what day it is today?

Um, is it... Wednesday?

[sighs] It's rent day.

Oh, uh, are we still doing that?

Yes, we're still doing that!

Um, when was the last time I... I paid rent?

With actual money?

Twelve weeks ago.

Ah. So, long time. [chuckling]

Yeah.

Well... [sighs]

...just so you know,
the shower water is brown again.

Okay.

I didn't wanna say, but it just has
this really weird slippery texture.

Yeah, I know. It affected my paste.

Yeah, it would do.
You can feel it on my arm.

You know, if you paid me in money,
I'd have the resources

to get the proper equipment
to fix the plumbing.

Uh... [sighs]

- I can pay you with fish?
- [Rosa] No. No more fish.

You have to eat,
and fish are an important source of...

Elias! For God's sake,
just find me my rent. Okay?

[exhales]

Okay.

Uh, I think I'll go and dry my fur.

Yeah, go on, then.

- [beetle scuttling]
- [exhales deeply]

Affix floorboard to the other floorboards.

Uh...

[relaxing sitar music playing]

[female humming]

Hey.

[door closes]

[female continues humming]

[Rosa] Jen.

Jen!

[sighs]

- [Jen vocalizes]
- [music abruptly stops]

Morning!

It's three o'clock.

Hmm.

And soon it'll be four and then five!

Yeah, that's how it works.

Oh, I gave up on time years ago.
[chuckles]

Right. Who needs it?

[gasps] But today is rent day. Am I right?

Yeah. I'm really looking forward
to being paid my rent.

[chuckling]

Here it is. The obsidian crystal.

A reliever of emotional blockage

and promoter of compassion

to help you find your true sense of self.

You've given me ten of these already
and still no money.

[inhales]

Let's eat.

Of course I knew
it was going to be difficult.

I mean, the scale alone is enormous,

but every day, I can see
the real potential of this house.

[inhales]

And if only I had tenants.

Well, they all left.

- Yeah, I know they left.
- Because of the flooding.

There's still me and Elias, of course.

Yeah, but I'm talking about good tenants.

Proper ones, who would pay me
with actual money,

instead of fish and stones.

Crystals.

I can't buy supplies with crystals.

You can realign your energy chakras.

Yeah, but it won't fix the electrics
or whatever else needs doing.

You could try.

It wouldn't hurt.

[sighs]

I've always loved this house, you know.

Hmm.

It's devotion, really.

How wonderful it could be.

Right.

I'd smarten it up

and then get residents in
to pay for further restoration.

Then, over time, you move everyone out.

And then the house will be finished.
It will be... [inhales deeply]

...stunning.

- The house deserves it.
- [Jen humming mantra]

Right now, I just need
the, um, right... support.

Yeah, yeah.
I... I just don't have the right support.

[continues humming mantra]

Ah. Oh!

Um...

Have I spoken to you
about my spirit partner?

What do you mean? A boyfriend?

That term doesn't describe
what he is, really.

Okay. What about him?

- He's arriving tomorrow!
- Does he have any money?

We met eight years ago
at a Tibetan throat music workshop.

We've been communing ever since
on the astral plane.

No money then.

I wouldn't think so, no.

But he's a wonder, Rosa.

- A celestial force. Truly.
- Yeah, well, I'm not running a charity.

I'll be telling him that
and making myself clear.

I'm sure he'll have his uses.

Yeah, sure. Right.

Oh, I was wondering
about, um, the shower in my bathroom.

What about it?

It's been making some terrible noises,
and the water's brown again.

[sighs, groans]

[humming]

[showerhead sputtering]

Hmm.

[grunts softly]

[sputtering]

[clanking]

[grunting]

[showerhead rattling]

Oh.

[shrieks]

[classical music playing]

[inhales, grunts]

[grunts]

There we go.

[upbeat piano music playing]

[Elias and Jen laughing]

[laughing continues]

[Jen sighs, chuckles]

Oh.

Hey.

- [scoffs]
- [Jen continues chuckling]

[Rosa sighs, scoffs]

[sighs]

[dramatic music playing]

[Tibetan chanting]

[creaking]

Hmm? [grunts]

What... what the...

[chanting continues]

What the...

[coughing]

- [clapping]
- [Elias] Whoa!

[Jen] How wonderful!

[Elias] That was amazing!

Oh, that's just a little something
I picked up in Tibet.

[chuckling] No, no. No applause, please.

I am merely a conduit to the melody.

A portal to a different music.

Another dance.

A messenger, basically.

How long have you been traveling?

Always. Always traveling, my child.

And yet, with each second,
the journey shortens

as I get a little bit closer to this...

[gasps]

...synthesis of celestial grace.

[gasps] He's talking about me.

I brought you some earthly gifts, angel.

For purification,
the banishment of discord,

and a rebalancing
of one's physical dwelling.

- Mmm.
- [coughing]

[clears throat]

I didn't get your name.

Hmm? [gasps]

How rude of me.

Rosa, this is Cosmos.

[scoffs]

And how long
are you planning to stay, Cosmos?

Ah, there are never any plans with me.

There's only moments
snatched from the wind.

- What are you talking about?
- It's not like we're short of room.

The house is huge.

A traveler cannot be bound
by earthly walls, Jen.

I sleep in the open.

Oh.

[gasps]

[gasps]

- Whoa! Wow! Jeez Louise!
- [exhales]

- Mm-hmm.
- What a day!

Let me prepare some food from my garden.

[Cosmos chuckling]

Go on, you can go in if you like.
Have a look around.

Yes, please. [chuckling]

- Whoa. It's really cool in here.
- [sniffing] I'm sensing a negative energy.

Yeah, it's coming from me.

Mmm, you're protective of Jen,
and for that, you have my gratitude.

Actually, I'm protective of my property.

So, um, when will you be getting off it?

[groans, inhales]

I will move on when the mist has lifted.

Probably. But only time will tell.

Yeah, well, I should be charging you
for pitching that tent.

[chuckling] Charging.

What is money

but some physical denomination
of coin and note?

That's exactly what it is.

I move in an ocean of bartering myself.

Oh yeah?
And what is it that you barter with?

[gasps]

My skills.

[gasps]

So, what you're looking at right now
is the finish, obviously, the dream.

Everybody left when the rains came,
so I need to get some new paying tenants.

Then I'll have
some real money to play with.

I already have
a ton of paint and wallpaper.

Hmm.

You must begin with the roots.

Right, exactly!

The... the heating, electrics.

I've got some problems
with this brown water from the taps.

You have to nourish the soul of the house
to unleash its potential.

Right!

Enliven its chakra.

Ye... Mmm.

Maybe you can start with the plumbing?

Mmm.

Plumbing is a little invasive.

I would like
to get to know the house first,

possibly through some gentle carpentry.

I... I have a floorboard

that needs replacing
in the upstairs corridor?

Perfect. I'll make a start tomorrow.

Yes! [squealing]

Um...

I mean, um, thank you. Uh...

This is going to be great.

Oh, the reawakening
will be beautiful, Rosa.

[grunts]

Beautiful.

[sniffing] Uh...

[gagging, coughing]

- [Cosmos chanting]
- [Elias] Yes.

Yeah.

[Jen chanting]

[Elias laughing]

Chika-chika-chika-chika.

- Come on, your turn!
- Oh, no. No. I... I don't.

- Come on!
- Ooh!

- [Elias] There you go.
- Come on, Rosa!

- [humming]
- [chuckling]

[vocalizing]

Woo!

- [laughing]
- [humming]

- [wind whooshing]
- [crickets chirping]

[banging]

[exhales, sighs]

- [wood clattering]
- [banging]

- [sighs]
- [wood clattering]

What the... [sighs]

What the hell's going on?

Ha! Someone had a bit too much to drink.
It's the middle of the day!

- What are you doing up there?
- Seize it! Embrace it!

- [scoffs]
- [Cosmos laughing]

Oh yeah, man. That's banging.

No!

[whimpering] No.

Oh! The water's still brown, Rosa!

[Rosa] Oh.

Oh! No! Oh no!

[breathing heavily, shrieking]

- This isn't the plan! My plan!
- [drum beating]

Have you forgotten everything
we were talking about?

I'm sensing that negative energy again.

You've destroyed the corridor!

Realigned it.

You've pulled up every floorboard!

Yes, but for a boat, Rosa. A boat.

You have a boat! You have a boat outside!

- Well, the boat's for me!
- Right. The boat's for Elias.

Ugh! Oh God! What was in that wine, Jen?

Take it in one go. It's a bit pungent.

[slurping]

[gagging, gasping]

Oh! I've got a nonaggressive solution
to the plumbing.

[gasps] That's great news.

I need some mint, a cabbage, two vials,

this drum to signify a heartbeat,
and a tambourine for affectation.

Get out of my house! Get out! Get out!

Oh! Yes, Rosa! Harness that strength!

- [Tibetan chanting]
- [humming]

Oh Christ!

Take that boat apart, you!

I want every one of those floorboards
back inside the house where they belong.

- Seriously?
- Yes, seriously.

You're ruining everything
I'm trying to fix!

It's... it's only a few floorboards.

It's a whole corridor.

How is anyone
supposed to access their rooms

if I don't have a corridor, Elias?

What are you even doing?

Wha... [sighs]

Cosmos said he'd help me leave.

Wh... what?

You... you're living here for free.
Why would you want to leave?

Because everyone does.

By tomorrow,
the water will be in the house.

Oh, go then! Here, take them!

I'll... I'll rip up your room
and fix the corridor myself.

You can't stay here, Rosa.
Why can't you see it?

[Rosa] I should've got rid of you
months ago. Paying with fish!

I'm going to get
better people than you and Jen

and finish this house myself!

[sighs] Go on then! Leave!

[melancholy music playing]

[exhales]

[sniffling, whimpering]

[exhales deeply]

[muffled speaking outdoors]

[indistinct chattering, chuckling]

Uh...

Ugh.

[gasps]

[groans]

[exhales]

Hmm.

[sighs]

[snoring softly]

Thank you.

Bye!

[didgeridoo blowing]

[murmuring]

[didgeridoo continues blowing]

Why didn't he say goodbye to me?

Didn't you say your goodbyes already?

No, not really.

I didn't think he'd go.

He just needed a little guidance.
That's all.

[smacks lips, sighs]

There's nothing better out there anyway.

For those who decide not to find it,
there can be nothing.

If he dies, it's your fault, you know.

He wanted to leave a long time ago, Rosa.

Well, he never told me that.

He didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Oh, whatever!

[exhales shakily]

He was never any use to me anyway.

Bloody fool.

[grunts]

What the... What is that?

Oh, that.

Yes. I thought you might need it
once the mist has come and gone.

What? What are you talking about?

It's a lever. You can push it.

For your emancipation, Rosa,
should you choose it.

You just give it a bit of body weight,
and you'll be good to go.

Ooh!

Stop talking, you lunatic!

Just take it down!

You're destroying everything!

[water splashing]

[grunts softly]

[soft dramatic music playing]

[Elias] Goodbye, Rosa.

Thank you for giving me
my first real home.

Here are two presents.

Your friend, Elias.

[inhales shakily]

[ethereal bells chiming]

[sighs softly]

- [Jen] Are you all right?
- [quietly] Huh?

I didn't know he could draw.

Didn't you?

Do you want to have some lunch?

One last time, before Igo.

When are you leaving?

We'll leave later, Cosmos said.

The morning, maybe.

I don't want to see him.

Just us then? Final meal together?

What do you think?

Fine.

[mist whooshing]

[exhales deeply]

[inhales sharply]

It's not much, I'm afraid.

The water took the whole garden.

Why don't you ever talk about the flood?

[Rosa] There's nothing to talk about.

[Jen] I know you've been busy
with your project.

So you're just leaving with no plan.
Is that it?

That's right.

You'll never find a house like this again.

There'll be something else.

- It's time to move on.
- Where to?

We don't know. We have to try.

Look, what is it you want?

[sighs]

To fix this house.

To make a home
with good memories for myself,

but I've been fighting this place
for bloody years.

Don't be frightened
about being someone else.

Oh, for God's sake.

Try to see the good things
that you did make.

Love your past but travel on.

[sighs] You're sounding like that lunatic.

He's only here to help you move on, Rosa.

Yeah, well, he doesn't know me.

None of you do.

Now.

Don't be afraid.

What?

What do you mean, "don't be afraid"?

[ethereal humming]

[gasps]

Jen?

Jen, where are you?

Wh... what's happening?

[whimpering]

Jen?

[panting]

Hello?

[ethereal music playing]

Jen? Anyone? Je... [whimpering]

Where are you?

[whimpers] Wait!

Uh, don't go!

[panting]

Hello?

[panting]

Hello?

[shrieks] No! No! No!

[whimpering] No, no, no, no!

[grunting, panting]

Oh!

No!

- [exhales, gasps]
- [Elias and Jen laughing]

Jen?

[laughing continues]

Stop! Stop! No!

[crying]

No!

[wailing]

[gasps, panting]

Wh...

Elias?

[Elias chuckling]

[panting]

Goodbye, Rosa.

What?

[whimpering]

[ethereal music playing]

- [grunts]
- [floorboards creaking]

[shrieks]

[wind whooshing]

[panting, gasping]

- [shrieks]
- [water splashing]

[grunts, panting]

Wh...

[panting]

[Jen] Rosa!

Jen?

Jen!

[Cosmos] Come on! Join us, Rosa!

[Rosa] I can't! I can't!

[Jen] Come on, Rosa!

I can't get to you!

Just come back!

Please!

[crying]

[sniffling]

I want to go.

Please.

Let me leave.

[continues crying]

[gasps]

Huh?

[creaking]

[gasps]

[dramatic music building]

[grunting, straining]

[grunting]

[gasps]

[creaking]

[grunting, straining]

[panting]

[rumbling]

[metal cranking]

[gasping]

[panting]

[crackling]

[dramatic music playing]

[whooshing]

[panting]

[panting]

[gasping]

[gasps]

[gasps]

- [Cosmos] You can do it!
- [Jen] Come on, Rosa!

Yes! [laughing]

[Elias] Yay, Rosa!

Woo! [chuckling]

- Hi!
- [crackling]

Ah! [shrieks]

[creaking]

[panting]

[laughing]

[breathlessly] Okay. Okay.

[sighs]

[sighs]

[laughing]

[exhales]

[dramatic music swells]

[dramatic music fades]

♪ I ripped out the kitchen
I repainted the hall ♪

♪ But nothing made any difference at all ♪

♪ This house ♪

♪ This house is ♪

♪ I don't know what it is ♪

♪ I assembled some furniture ♪

♪ I resembled some furniture ♪

♪ But following instructions
Only leads to self-destruction ♪

♪ This house is ♪

♪ I don't know what it is ♪

♪ Among of it ♪

♪ An early grave ♪

♪ A poor investment ♪

♪ Such a big mistake ♪

♪ This house ♪

♪ This house is ♪

♪ I don't know what it is ♪

♪ But if you're in the market
For a three-story monstrosity ♪

♪ This could be your cup of tea ♪

♪ Your ideal property ♪

♪ This house ♪

♪ Oh, this house is ♪

♪ I don't know what it is ♪

♪ Sunshine pours through a windowpane ♪

♪ Highlighting the fact
That I'm on my own again ♪

♪ A home is a place
Love and life can mix ♪

♪ A house is nothing ♪

♪ Nothing but a collection of bricks ♪

♪ This house is nothing
But a collection of bricks ♪

♪ Nothing ♪

♪ Nothing ♪

♪ Nothing but a big collection of bricks ♪

[humming]

[sighs]

♪ Tear this house down ♪

♪ Build something else ♪

♪ Somewhere, someplace
You could be yourself ♪

♪ Not this place you pour your life into ♪

♪ Just to watch it leak away ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

[door slams shut]

♪ What's the difference
Between a house and a home? ♪

♪ A home is a place you never feel alone ♪

♪ But a house ♪

♪ Oh, a house is
Just a collection of bricks ♪

♪ Sunshine still pours
Through my windowpane ♪

♪ Highlighting the fact
I'm on my own again ♪

♪ A home is a place
Love and life can mix ♪

♪ A house is nothing ♪

♪ Nothing but a collection of bricks ♪

[humming]

♪ Nothing but a big collection of bricks ♪

♪ One, two, three, four, five, six ♪

♪ Come look at my massive collection ♪

♪ Of bricks ♪

♪ Oh, nothing ♪

♪ Nothing but a big collection of bricks ♪

♪ I said, there's nothing ♪

♪ Nothing ♪

♪ Nothing but a big collection of bricks ♪

♪ Ooh! ♪

[humming]

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Nothing but a big collection of bricks ♪

[door slams shut]

[cymbals rattling]