The Hot Chick (2002) - full transcript
Jessica Spencer is the hottest, most popular girl in high school. Jessica, her best friend April, and a couple of other hot girls Lulu and Keecia visit the mall to hang out and do some shopping. They enter a new age store, where they check out a pair of ancient earrings. Unbeknownst to Jessica, these are magical ones set in ancient Abyssinia. A princess known as Princess Nawa is disgusted by the groom of her arranged marriage and switches bodies with a slave girl by means of an enchanted set of earrings. Since the earrings are not for sale, Jessica steals them. But the next morning she gets a big dose of reality when she wakes up in the body of a 30-something lowlife male, Clive, a career criminal. Clive finds himself in Jessica's body. Now it's up to Jessica (in Clive's body) to find a way to get her body back, while Clive (in Jessica's body) takes advantage of his new body to set in motion a crime spree to put the blame on Jessica!
Where is my bride?
My wedding dress.
Quickly, put it on.
Soon you'll live your life
in jewels and not chains.
Come, child.
Your groom awaits you.
Honeybees,
all right, all right!
Honeybees, all right!
Whoo! Honeybees,
all right, all right!
Honeybees, all right!
Whoo!
Go... go...
Go... go...
Honeybees! Honeybees!
Honeybees! Honeybees!
You ready, hildenburg?
Yes.
Great.
I have one question.
Why am I dressed like
one of the fenmore foxes?
Aren't they our hated
crosstown rivals?
Yes... but...
This year's theme is unity...
For all cheerleaders.
Have fun.
wipe out the foxes!
Boys are cheats
and liars.
They're such a big disgrace.
They will tell you anything
to get to second...
Baseball, baseball,
he thinks he's gonna score.
If you let him go all the way,
then you are a...
Hor... ticulture studies
flowers --
No, she didn't.
Girlfriend's Booty be
all wrapped up in licious.
All wrapped up.
You're pretty dope and phat
yourselves.
Ling-ling!
You forgot lunch, baby pie!
Chicken
with fried vegetable,
bulgogi, and kimchi.
Thanks, mom.
Okay. You all learn
real good now.
Ling-ling? Ling-ling?
Can somebody answer
the phone?
Dang,
that's messed up.
Out of all the Korean
liquor stores,
why did my dad have to
walk into that one?
I'm returning your papers
on the Salem witch trials.
I'm sad to report that Eden,
here, got the only "a."
Well, that's not fair.
I mean, she was the only one
who was actually there.
Vice-principal Bernard.
Miss Spencer,
wonderful job this morning.
You certainly know
how to whip up a crowd.
As pretty as you are, I bet
you really whipped them up
back when you were
cheerleading captain?
Me? No, no, no.
I was much more of a band
chick, actually -- tuba --
Lead tuba -- honor band.
well, then you wouldn't mind
writing us some passes
so we could,
practice some new moves?
Jessica,
I-i-i don't know about that.
You know, that trophy
is gonna look so good
in your office.
All right.
whoo!
That's really good.
Um...
how much do I owe you?
It's okay.
It's on the house.
Really?!
Who's gonna pay for that,
asshole?
You are not gonna make it
in this business.
you total binger!
April, this is gonna go
straight to your ass.
"Itchbay" alert.
Bianca.
Jessica,
you look great!
Are you doing something
different
or just hanging out
with skankier friends?
Wow, Bianca,
you look really good, too.
Um... are you eating less
or just barfing more?
Barfing more.
Good luck
at the cheer competition.
Yeah.
You too.
Bye-bye.
Agh!
My god!
Let's go, winona.
Jess,
what are you doing?
Hang on a sec.
Whoa.
This is kind of cool.
can I help you ladies?
Yeah.
What is this?
Yeah,
I like that, too.
It's actually
a senegalese lute
carved from deerwood,
used for fertility
rituals and...
Sure. Yeah.
Cool.
And you can put
your weed in there.
Check this out.
Yeah.
That's beautiful.
It's actually a model
of the prison on robben island
where Nelson Mandela
was held 27 years.
And before the collapse
of apartheid, of course.
Yeah, he came out
pretty hate-free, though,
you know, ready to heal --
Went on to become
the president of South Africa
after that -- after they freed
him, of course, sure.
Wow.
Yeah.
A lot of people
don't realize this,
but you can put
your weed in there.
This is great. Sure.
Well, if you have
any more questions,
I'll be in the back
sleeping, so...
Great.
Okay. Thanks.
Actually,
this is the back. Sorry.
This stuff makes me feel so
proud to be African-American.
You walk right by
crazy nail,
no say "hi" me.
Hi, mom.
Bye, girls!
Fake pearls!
stop banging those drums!
I didn't even know
you could hear that.
My god.
Look at those earrings.
I'd be the envy
of every girl at prom.
Not like that was
in jeopardy or anything.
Um, excuse me.
How much are these?
Not for sale.
That's a genuine artifact.
No!
No!
Okay, I'm all set.
Is that all you got --
$18?!
It's a gas station.
Everybody pays with
credit cards nowadays.
Help yourself
to some nachos.
Hey, that's for
Doug flutie's kids!
Aah!
Aah! Aah!
I'm in here!
help!
Whoo!
Agh!
Agh!
You look really good.
Really good.
Um, excuse me...
The gas cap's
on that side.
I'm sorry.
Hello...
Full service.
And, um, could you,
like, check the oil
and all that other junk
under the hood?
Like his job
is that hard.
Minimum wage
for a maximum loser.
Good one.
Hey... check this out.
Sorry. Accident.
You're so bad!
I'm okay.
It's okay. I'm okay.
Hey, how much you bet
I can get him again?
Oops.
whoo!
I'm so pretty.
Booger.
Booger!
I told you not to
go through my stuff.
What are you doing
wearing my bra?!
I'm not wearing your bra.
I was simply holding it
against myself.
Get out of my room,
you little turd!
Wait a minute.
What happened to you?
Nothing.
Did that Cavanaugh kid
do this to you?
All right. Come here.
He is such a punk.
You know,
one of these days,
he's gonna get it.
There you go.
Better.
Is that my lipstick?!
Ohhhhh!
hey.
Hi.
Jess,
when you do that...
My whole leg tingles
and shakes.
Really?
Well, what happens
if I kiss you...
There?
You have to come snowboarding
with me this weekend.
Silly Billy nilly,
I told you I'm not
having sex with you.
No.
We could sip hot chocolate
and play scrabble
with my little brother.
You call it
whatever you want.
I'm still not having sex
with you.
Billy...
Look...
You know how important
this is to me.
And when that
special moment happens,
I just... I want it
to be perfect.
I would never dream
of rushing you.
Thank you, Billy.
If you change your mind,
we could drive up together.
I'll wait behind for you.
front... Behind...
I'm still not doing it.
Good night, Billy.
Your life is like
a fairytale.
You and Billy are, like,
totally Disney.
You know,
it's scary sometimes.
I just...
I don't know what I'd do
if things weren't
so... Perfect.
I'm so glad
you're my best friend.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay. Good night.
Bye.
Aaaaaaah!
Aaaaaaaah!
Aah!
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Jessica, honey,
is everything all right?
yes, mother.
It's just a spider.
A really big,
disgusting spider.
Hi. It's April.
Leave me a message.
This isn't happening.
This isn't happening!
It's sick!
Sick!
Ooh!
Hey, dad! Can I have
this cake for breakfast?
yeah.
Whatever. Go for it.
Booger, what the hell
are you doing
eating my boss's cake?
I-I thought you just said
I could eat it.
Ooh.
God...
Where's my...?!
April,
it's me -- Jessica.
I need you to meet me
right after class
out by the track.
Is this really Jessica?
My god,
are you getting a cold?
The competition's only
a week away.
We may have
bigger problems.
April...
April...
April!
Agh!
Whoa!
You stay away from me!
I have pepper spray
on my key chain!
April,
I need you so bad right now.
You have no idea.
How do you know my name?
It's me...
Jessica!
I'm in here.
What did you do with her?
I don't know
what happened.
I woke up this morning...
Like this.
Aah!
And what did I tell you
about these things?!
Aah! Aah!
They go straight
to your ass!
People are gonna be
looking for me!
You gotta believe me!
I'm warning you!
Please, I'm Jessica!
Aah!
Aah! Aaah!
Aaaaaaah!
Agh! Agh!
Aaah!!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah! Agh!
Agh!
my god!
I think I broke a rib!
My eyes burn!
I can't breathe!
This morning,
I woke up a man!
This is by far
the worst day of my life!
April!
Do you remember
in second grade
when you moved here
from Arkansas?
Everybody threw rocks
at you...
Because you talked funny
and your front two teeth
were brown!
I was your only friend.
I gave you that locket
around your neck
when your grandmother
was sick.
And you said...
You said...
We'd be bestest friends
forever.
Boys are cheats
and liars.
They're such
a big disgrace.
They will tell you
anything to get to second...
Baseball, baseball,
he thinks he's gonna score.
If you let him go all the way,
then you are a...
Hor... ticulture studies flowers.
Geologist studies rocks.
The only thing
a guy wants from you
is place to put his...
Cock... roaches, beetles,
butterflies, and bugs.
Nothing makes him happier
than a giant pair of...
Jug... glers and acrobats,
a dancing bear named Chuck.
All guys really want to do is --
Forget it, no such luck.
My god!
My god!
How did this happen?
I don't know what to do.
Okay, okay.
Here.
Go to my house
and wait for me in my room.
Don't worry. We're gonna
figure this thing out.
Here.
You are my bestest,
bestest friend.
Watch the beard.
Sorry.
hi.
Okay, so, listen,
she bought it.
I told your mom that
you're going on that ski
trip with Billy's family,
and that'll at least
buy us the weekend.
You think I'll be stuck
like this all weekend?!
Aah!
Gross.
Agh!
I've got hair
everywhere --
In my nose, in my ears,
on my chin.
I'm afraid to look
anywhere else.
It's like I'm an ad
for hair.
Okay, well, listen,
maybe this will help.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
Against the grain.
Okay, ready?
Hold still.
aaah!
Grrrah! Agh!
So...
So...
What?
Do you really have
a penis?
April!
Can I see it?
What is the matter
with you?!
I don't think you get the
gravity of the situation here.
You're right.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Can I see it?
W-- what is your problem?
What?
It's not every day
that your best friend
grows a penis.
Do you want to see it?
Okay, fine --
If it'll shut you up.
Nice.
Nice.
I mean, you know...
I've only seen a couple,
but that's definitely top 5.
How many have you seen?
Five.
Not including
my little brother's.
You little tramp!
Aah!
aah! Aah!
Aah!
Aaah!
Aah! Aah!
Motherfuck!!
Stan...
I am beginning to worry
about April.
She has been acting
rather strange.
Is it drugs?
No, no.
I... i think it's
her hormonal development.
She just ate six
peanut-butter-and-jelly
sandwiches
and an entire carton
of ice cream.
And what do you make
of this?
It's April's soap.
Well?
What do you think?
I think you need more things
to fill out your day.
Okay?
Are we done?
Hello?
All right, who is this?
I should have made love to you
when I had the chance.
Father mulcahy?
tell me I'm beautiful.
On the inside.
Look...
Jessica has a problem.
She's only gonna make us
wait an hour this time?
What about the class trip
to six flags?
She took so long
in the bathroom, we
all missed the bus.
Our parents had to drive
three hours to pick us up.
I had my period, okay?!
Okay, now that everybody's
up to speed,
can we start thinking
about how I can get
my life back?
Um, that's definitely
gonna cost you a few
votes for prom queen.
Yeah.
Okay.
Come on, you guys,
let's get serious.
Stop dicking around.
Guys!
I've got cheerleading
competition, the prom.
None of my clothes fit.
I think I'm going bald.
And how am I gonna go
to school?
She's right.
Okay...
Let's think.
What could have
caused this?
maybe it wasn't
an accident.
It's gotta be one
of the people who hates
Jessica that did this.
Yeah.
What are you
talking about?
People don't hate me.
You see, Jess...
Because you are
so beautiful and perfect...
Certain people
might misconstrue
some of the mean and hurtful
things you say and do to them.
Although the things
you say are funny...
People
tend to focus more
on their own
public humiliation and shame.
So you're saying...
People think...
I'm perfect?
Let's make a list
of all the people
who hate Jessica.
You know what would be
a shorter list?
All the people
who don't hate Jessica.
You bitch!
Easy on the coffee.
Ha ha ha ha!
Ho ho ho!
Aah!
Ha ha ha!
Aah!
Ha ha ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Agh!
Hi.
Good morning.
Did you sleep well?
Surprisingly, yes.
You have any...
Special dreams?
Not particularly.
You sure?
Why?
My god,
my first boner!
There you are!
You're the gardener
from the service, right?
sí.
Damn lawn's a mess.
It's my daughter's
responsibility
to look after it,
but you know teenage girls.
Sí, sí.
"Teenageros."
Sorry. Richie Spencer.
Um...
Taquito.
Taquito.
There's the mower.
There's your bag
of fertilizer.
Ho!
I'll let you get to it.
Damn, I love the smell
of fresh-cut grass.
Gracias, but... I'm not sure
I'm old enough, señor.
yeah, right.
What is the drinking age
in Mexico -- 40?
Come on, take a load off.
You can finish in a minute.
Hope you don't mind
the light beer.
I had to cut back
on account of the bloating.
Know what I mean?
I also had to give up
the spicy food on
account of my asshole.
We're amongst men,
aren't we?
"Stinko de Mayo."
You like that car?
That's my daughter's.
Pretty nice?
It would have looked
even better in red.
That's what
my daughter said.
We used to go out
back on Sundays and
toss a few baskets,
shoot the shit.
But she's got her own stuff
going on now.
Who could blame her?
Whole family's falling apart.
What?
Things with the wife --
Forget about it.
I mean,
we sleep in the same bed.
Might as well be
separate countries.
That is, like, so sad.
Ay-yi-yi!
Ay-yi... yi.
I tried everything.
Nothing worked.
I even got out the
razor and gave myself
a porn-star trim.
Wanna see?
Check it out.
Aah!
Boy, she used to be wild.
The sex was great.
We'd be going at it,
and she could still find a way
to twist around
and kiss me on the mouth.
Señor,
information too mucho.
Emotional "scarro" --
Disgusting.
It's good talking to you,
taquito.
Hey, Jessica! Jessica!
Come here!
We've got a suspect.
Yes!
Come on.
Something smells
like dog pooh.
I think
I'm sitting next to it.
Ew!
Come on, hildenburg,
don't play dumb.
You hate Jessica, you're good
at this science crap.
Now, just confess
and give us the antidote.
April, it's
physically impossible
for a woman to transform
into a man overnight.
So you're saying that you
had nothing to do with this.
Look...
Let's just pretend this was
an alternate universe
where I actually
believed you.
Why would I want to help
Jessica out, anyway?
Jessica!
Hildenburg...
I'm sorry
that I humiliated you
in front of
the entire school...
And the visiting
8th-graders.
but you
have no idea what it's like
to wake up every morning
and have to shave your chin.
yes, I do.
Who's next on the list?
whoa.
Well, it is cold in here.
So you never put
a hex on me?
I put plenty
of hexes on you --
To give you dandruff,
make your hair fall out,
make one of your boobs
bigger than the other.
I think
you got me with that one.
Heh hee hee!
Hee hee!
There's some powerful
cult magic at work here...
Like an ancient spell...
Or voodoo...
Or santeria.
What's santeria?
It's a Latin-based form
of witchcraft.
It originated in Africa
and then eventually
made its way to Cuba and Brazil.
Bianca!
I knew it.
Most of its rituals
involve a chicken.
That sounds delicious.
I mean, interesting.
there's a way to tell.
A true practitioner
of santeria
bears the Mark of the scorpion
tattooed on their back.
Bianca's always hanging out
at that dance club --
Instant tang.
Yeah, tonight's ladies' night,
and we all get in for free!
Well, most of us.
Trust me --
You'll never get Bianca
to dance with you
looking like this.
No... no...
What is that?
No... no... no...
what?
Nothing.
You just look good.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay. Thanks.
No, she's not gonna...
No, he -- she's
not gonna do it.
Yes, she is.
Wow!
That is so good.
T-that's $8.95.
What?
Aren't you just gonna take it
out of your tip jar?
Aah!
$8.95?
Yeah.
I got that.
I'll take
two banana daiquiris,
one mango,
a sloe-gin fizz,
one slippery nipple,
a screaming orgasm on the beach
with extra sugar on the rim.
Yum!
Better
make that last one a brewski.
double brewski.
they didn't even card me.
It's just like cabo.
how does a butt plug
like that get all
those hot chicks?
I got dibs on the dots.
god damn!
Ooh, he's cute.
Check out the sweet buns
on that guy.
I'd like to get
my hands on those and...
wish
they were women's breasts
and... squeeze the hell
out of 'em.
Maybe put a steak
on 'em...
'Cause I'm a guy.
That's what guys like me
like to do.
But I don't need
to tell you that.
Bianca.
I'll show her.
This is my song.
remember,
the scorpion on her back.
I'll find it.
ew!
The tattoo!
I don't see it!
Right hand, red.
Ooh... left hand, blue.
Ooh!
Ha!
Aaaaaah!
It's definitely not her.
Don't worry.
We'll figure this out.
You're a great dancer.
You're just
noticing that now?
I gotta hit
the little girls' room
before I soak my panties.
Um...
by that, I mean...
My girlfriend's panties...
Which I carry with me...
To pee in...
If I don't make it
in time...
To the bathroom.
What?
You don't pee in your
girlfriend's panties?
What kind of gay club
is this?
Hey, everybody,
check out this guy --
Not peeing in his
chick's panties.
excuse me...
Do you have to be
in here for this?
Well, it's part of
my job description,
but if you're one
of those shy guys,
you try that stall there.
There's someone
in there.
And they're gonna be in there
for a long time, too.
I told him to stay away
from the calamari.
Some folks think they can eat
anything that crawls.
Would you mind?
Ooh!!
Ooh, hoo!
Excuse me?
Why is there ice in there?
Ooh! I wouldn't have
done that.
You're good at that.
You make it look so easy.
Why don't you just
take a picture?
all right.
Here goes.
Disgusting! Wrinkly!
Gross!
Ew!
I've never
done this before.
It's going all over.
It's always good
to aim at something,
like that cigarette there...
Or the big mint.
It's going everywhere!
You got to hold on
to it.
not too tight, but enough to
let it know you're the boss.
See that fly?
Aim for it.
That's -- that's helping.
That's it.
Remember, if you shake it
more than twice,
you're playing with it.
I don't know how I could
ever thank you.
Hi!
That was
an experience.
Here's your drink.
Is there any ice
in here?
No.
Thank god!
Hey...
aren't you that chick
who's having sex
with that college guy?
No!
Wanna be?
She's not interested,
okay?
So why don't you
just back off?
Okay, grandpa.
What are you, their pimp,
and these are your skank hoes?
You and me, right now --
Let's go.
Where we going?
Aah!
No!
Jess!
Come on, Jess.
Come on!
You can do it.
What do you got, geezer?
Come on!
You can do it!
Come on!
Show me what you got!
Come on!
What the...
What's he doing?
Some kind of tae-queer-do.
That's it!
No! Aaah!
Aah!
Ha ha!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Jess!
Ooh, yeah!
Yeah! Yes!
That really does hurt.
Thanks for
sticking up for me.
Now go kick some ass.
Aah!!
Aah!
You think you're so
cool 'cause you can
pee with your penis.
Get a new conditioner.
Your ends are totally split.
You rock!
April, I don't know.
Come on.
This is the only way
you can be in school.
here comes Jake.
Hi!
Hey, baby.
So, skiing sucked.
I mean, you didn't miss a thing.
It was all mushed out.
What's with the scarf?
It's kinda chilly in here.
Ski rash.
So, I'm gonna --
I better -- I'm gonna
go to class, so... All right.
April, I am so sorry.
he didn't
even ask me to the prom.
Jake and I are so over.
Okay...
Now, you get in there.
And remember --
Your name is Spence.
I must tell you... Spence,
there are applicants
who actually have
prior janitorial experience.
Your hair --
It has such bounce.
It's this new cream ri--
Um, anyway,
a-as I was saying,
you haven't really
provided me with --
Look...
I'll be honest
with you.
I'm a struggling musician.
Ever since my days
playing the tuba
in the high-school
marching band --
Y-you -- you --
You play the tuba?
Yes...
In the honor band.
Well, Spence, I'd be going
out on a limb here, but --
You won't regret it,
I promise.
Thank you, miss Bernard.
Thank you.
please,
call me Marjorie.
Marjorie.
Now, if you'll just fill out
the security portion here
of the form...
all right.
Billy...
Aah!
We need to talk.
About what?!
I called you
on your ski trip to --
That was you?!
Yeah.
God!
I can explain.
Billy, wait!
I gotta do what?
hi, there. I miss you.
Hi, Sam.
Hey, taquito, think fast.
you got me, señor.
Taquito, pick up that ball.
You and me are gonna
shoot some hoops.
gotcha!
Back to Tijuana!
Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-al!
how are things
with the missus, señor?
Still not getting any.
When was the last time
you kissed her?
You mean, kiss her,
or kiss her kiss her?
Eugggh!
Señor, sometimes when
a woman is ignoring you,
that's when
she wants you the most.
She's only waiting for you
to open up her passion,
which is like a waterfall
waiting to explode.
You must get a lot
of enchilada, taquito.
Come on, bring it!
Tres points, señor.
Lucky shot.
My outs again, señor.
How did you know I don't
move so well to my right?
Booger?
Have you
seen your sister?
I feel like I haven't
talked to her in days.
She was here a minute ago.
You just missed her.
Good game.
señor Richie?
I need to tell you
something...
but I can't.
What do you got
going on, taquito?
I'm not really a gardener.
I agree with that.
The roses look like shit.
I'm sorry.
Come on, now,
easy there, big fella.
They're just roses.
I want to tell you...
I think you're the greatest dad
in the world.
Any kid would be lucky
to have you as their father.
Thanks, taquito.
I'd hate to see you
after you lose a game.
Okay, did you eat
any wolfsbane?
No.
Any sex with a leprechaun?
Not recently.
My god.
You know, they should come
with a warning --
"earrings may come
with penis."
this be some serious shit.
Those belonged
to Princess nawa.
There's a myth
of her using the earrings
to escape a bad marriage.
But she didn't know
that she had to bring
the earrings back together,
and she lived out her life
as a slave girl.
Now, it appears that
this myth is anything but.
Would you stop
with the damn drumming?
I'm sorry.
I... just was really
getting into your story.
You've got to find
that other earring
and unite them
before the full moon end.
I got you, babe.
Don't worry about it.
Hey, ling-ling!
Ling-ling!
Ling-ling, look!
Look, I help!
I help you!
Hey, Billy.
Yeah!
Is he okay?
Whoo!
what's the matter, man?
You afraid the janitor's
gonna see your dingdong?
So, what's up
with you and the prom queen?
I don't know.
I thought everything was fine,
but I guess I was wrong.
See, that's why
you gotta have a spare, man.
That's what April is.
She's my spare.
Spare?
Yeah, she's my backup.
I mean, she was a fun ride --
No doubt about this --
But she is
a previously owned vehicle.
I'm into that new-car smell.
You asshole!
W-whoever left these
towels over here...
Is an asshole.
Now, this new chick I got --
Dude, she is gonna be
the hottest chick at the prom.
I bet one of her
little hottie friends
would love to go out
with the quarterback.
I don't know, man.
Come on, man.
Maybe this one will
put out, unlike that
cold fish, Jessica.
You go to hell!
Whoever left
these showers on...
Go to... Hell.
Hey...
Jessica's anything
but a cold fish, all right?
She's the most amazing girl
in the whole world.
Dude, you've never even
been out of California.
I don't care.
I love her.
I mean, I know she thinks
I only want to have
sex with her,
but that's not
what it's about.
I mean,
when that moment comes...
I want it to be perfect.
Wow.
That is the gayest thing
I have ever heard.
She's the only girl
that makes my heart
beat faster and slower
at the same time.
When I'm not with her...
I'm not living.
I'm only existing until I can
hold her in my arms again.
Gay, gay, gay, gay.
Somebody shit in the locker.
Can I help you
find something?
I-i was looking for my...
Earring.
It,
accidentally fell...
Into the lawn mower...
And, Ricocheted
into the window.
I've always liked
earrings on men.
Would you like some lemonade?
Here you go, taquito.
It's got a Mexican flavor
to it.
What the hell is that?!
Quesadilla and spicy menudo
with jalapeños --
Your national dish.
I'm sorry.
it's been so long
since I heard you laugh.
I mean...
Since I started
working here.
Back!
I -- I am so sorry.
no problemo.
No problemo.
aah! Carol! Carol! Please!
This would be
very unnatural for me
in at least
five different ways!
So... you like men?
Of course I do.
What do you think?
Carol...
You are a beautiful
and very desirable woman.
And you have a husband
who's dying to be with you.
H-he said that?
Yes.
I cleaned up the language
a bit, but... Yes.
I know!
Let's go paint
your toenails.
Then we'll wash your hair!
My daughter, Jessie,
used to do those things for me.
I'll make up for that
right now.
Come on...
Let's show that man of yours
what he's been missing.
come on!
okay!
Sí, yeah, sí, sí.
Okay.
Sí, sí, sí.
Sí, sí.
To the left -- ooh,
right, right, right, right!
Yes!!
Sí.
I love that. Yes!
Carol!
How could you?!
In my own house?!
And you, taquito --
We were supposed to be amigos!
The loofah for
the scrubbing. The sc--
get out!
Señor, is for the --
The bath. I was --
Shut up-o.
I was scrubbing.
Out!
Señor...
Richie, Richie...
really, I-it's --
It's not what you think.
It's my own fault.
Daddy!
Daddy!
Look at
all these earrings.
It's hopeless.
I'm sorry.
The prom's in three days.
Forget about
the cheer competition.
I had it all.
And I never really
appreciated it.
I took everybody
for granted.
And today, my dad walked in
on me and my mom in the tub.
I think I may have
lost my job as gardener.
You know, I'm kinda
sorry to say this,
but... this has been
really fun.
Yeah, right.
Hey, babe, it's Jake.
Listen, I got a half-hour
after wrestling.
I can either take a shower
or I can come on over.
too late, dude.
She's with me right now.
She says that my peepee's
way bigger than yours.
And that's
if I fold it in half.
Wha--
No way!
My god,
that was awesome, Spence.
anytime.
You know, I really thought
I was in love.
How do you know for sure,
anyway?
I think it's when
you find someone
that you can really
be yourself with...
Share anything...
You know?
You mean like best friends?
Yeah.
Love's when
you can't even imagine
what your life would be like
without that other person,
when words don't come close to
how your heart really feels.
And even though it doesn't
make sense to other people,
you kn you're meant
to be together.
And you spend all night
thinking about him.
And in the morning,
you've never felt more rested.
It's like you have to
grab on to something,
'cause it seems like your whole
body's about to float away.
Okay...
what?
I have an idea.
What? What, what?
Tell --
it might sound
kind of crazy.
Tell me. Tell me.
What?
Why don't you and I
go to the prom together?
That would be awesome!
Yeah!
Yeah!
So cool!
Aaah!
Yeah!
We'd make Jake so jealous.
Yeah.
I got to pee.
Ooh, I got to pee.
Ooh.
Hoo!
Jeez!
Sorry, I'll get that.
Are you okay?
I'll get it.
Sorry.
Jessica?
Jessica?!
Jessica!
Jessica.
Thank god.
I love you, baby.
I would do
anything for you.
yeah?
how much money you got?
What?
How much money you got?
Um...
About $40.
That your car?
It's my dad's.
You know that.
Yeah. Cool.
Give me the keys.
Thanks.
Hey, so,
w-what'd you say your name was?
Billy.
Yeah. Ooh.
Take it easy, Bobby.
it's "Billy."
Aaah!
Yeah.
Where's Jessica?
don't worry, miss Bernard.
She'll be here.
Hey.
I really
hope this works, Jessica.
Come on,
let's go kick some ass.
Okay.
Aah.!
Dude, there's Jessica.
Whatever.
Dude!
Number one!
She do love me.
Whoo-hoo!
The bees are coming!
The bees are coming!
Sting this!
That's you! That's you!
I see you!
Yeah!
- Whoa!
- Aaah!
Aaah!
Je--
Come on, man.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it appears the older gentleman
in the bee outfit
with the fake boobs
is the school janitor.
As per section 31c
of the rule book,
school employees
are allowed to be mascots.
Say hello
to your new champions --
The Bridgetown honeys!
aaah! Aaah! Aaah!
Aaah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Aaah! Aaah!
Aaah! Aaah!
Whoo-hoo!
Here's
a bizarre story for you --
Police are now searching
for the hot chick bandit --
A beautiful young woman who
lures men into dark alleyways,
beats them senseless,
and takes their wallets.
Well, we thought
maybe she needed some help.
Yeah, we're helpful guys.
So we went into the alley, and
then she starts wailing on me.
And let me tell you --
She didn't hit like a girl.
Luckily, fitzy,
the good guy that he is --
He was hiding behind a dumpster
with a video camera.
Looks like she worked you over
pretty good.
Yeah, well,
don't get me wrong --
I got some shots in.
Why? God.
God, that hurt.
Why?!
Hi, it's April.
Leave me a message.
April, it's hildenburg.
I think I found Jessica's body.
It's in an alley outside a bar.
But we got to move fast,
because the police are
already looking for it.
Call me back.
Aaaahhh!
Jessica?
not now, booger.
I knew it!
Jessie, it is you!
How come you didn't
snitch on me?
'Cause you're my sister,
and I accept you
for who you are.
Come here.
You are such
a little weirdo.
Ooh...
Sweet as cand-y!
Ling-ling!
"L" to the "I"
to the "n" to the "g."
Ling-ling, you forgot
your bling-bling.
Mom...
you're ruining my life!
I just want
to meet you halfway.
Nigga, "prease"!
I wish my mama got me
some bling-bling.
Honey, if you don't
want her as your mama,
I'll take her.
Girl, please.
Girl, please.
You still think I have
a chance at prom queen?
No.
Okay.
Mom!
I'm sorry.
But why do you have to
keep embarrassing me
in front of my friends?
You're not ashamed of me.
You're really ashamed
of yourself.
Tell Lulu --
Easy on the chronic.
H-h-hi, Carol.
Jessica
didn't get ready here.
No. No, she hasn't
been here all week.
I knew it!
something is going on
with Jessica and April.
I'm gonna
get to the bottom of it.
If you ruin April's night,
I will have you put away.
Wh--
I-if you're not gonna help me,
I-I'm gonna do it myself.
I think this
is a good spot.
Jake's got to
come right by here.
I don't really care
about Jake anymore.
You shouldn't.
He's a jerk.
There's no one I'd rather
be with here tonight.
Me either.
April, you look
so beautiful tonight.
No one has ever been there
for me like you have.
You've always
been there for me.
Any guy would be so lucky to
have you as their girlfriend.
And I should know.
I've been a guy
for almost a week now.
And in that time, you have been
such a good friend to me.
I don't know how
I could ever thank you.
Ehhhh...
Here he comes.
That dress looks great.
Is it easy to get out of?
God.
Aaah!
I am so lesbian
right now.
We totally nailed him.
Jake is so jealous.
He spilled his drink
all over his date.
You should've seen it.
We already got him, honey.
He can't see us anym--
Spence, I love you.
I love you, too, April.
If you weren't holding on
to me right now...
I'd float away.
You're my best friend,
and now you're a guy.
It's meant to be.
April...
You don't need me
or any guy
to make you feel
beautiful and special...
Because you are.
You are the greatest girl
in the whole world.
You are all you need.
I know it's crazy,
but I can't help it.
I'm in love with you,
Spence.
April...
You gonna be okay?
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
We're not gonna let
a little thing like...
Me turning into a man
and you wanting to be with me
get in the way
of our friendship, are we?
I'm in love with Billy.
And if I'm gonna be
stuck like this forever,
he's just gonna have to
accept me as I am --
A man.
That's my man.
I think I know
who's in Jessica's body.
And I know
where we can find him.
Let's find Jessica
and get out of here.
Hildenburg,
you know what to do.
Come on.
Aah!
Come on.
That's a huge bitch.
I didn't see it coming.
No way, man.
scoot. He's mine.
Boy,
I don't think so.
Aah!
get away!
Billy...
It's me -- Jessica.
It's always been me.
Mister...
You're freaking me out.
You know how
when I touch you there,
it makes your whole leg
tingle?
And when
I touch you here...
No. No.
No, it can't be.
Do you remember
after the homecoming game...
After you threw the winning pass
to beat carlmont,
you and I went
behind the scoreboard and...
You got to believe me.
Silly... billy... nilly.
Just close your eyes.
You'll know it's me.
I can't!
I can't do it!
You always said you'd love me
no matter what.
Bu-- I --
You're a 30-year-old dude!
Just on the outside!
Billy!
bil--
We found your body.
It'll be fine.
Are you sure
she's all right?
I'm sure everything's
gonna be fine.
Booger!
Booger, hurry up!
Come on, buddy!
You got to learn to
run in those heels
if you're gonna wear them.
shit!
I knew it was gonna be
a good night.
God.
Thanks, hildenburg.
I want my body back
right now!
Well, finders keepers,
sweetheart.
How dare you?! Do you know what
this could do to my lungs?!
You give me that earring!
Give me that earring!
You give me that earring.
Give it to me. Give it.
Give it to me.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Sit down.
Calm down. Calm down.
I'll make you a deal,
okay?
Now...
Just let me make another
500 bucks tonight, okay?
And then I'll give you
your body back
'cause it's
so important to you.
"I'm crying about my body."
And then...
You can just loan it to me
every other weekend
and -- so I can pay off
some gambling debts.
Weekends --
Loan you my body.
I want my body back!
Give me my body back!
Give --
Hey...
Look at me.
I'm only gonna
tell you this once --
No strangling the dancers
or you are out of here!
Now, can't you read?
Now, this is more like it.
I got to hit the head.
hey, don't worry.
We're gonna get him.
Hey, babe.
sweetheart.
Hey...
No way!
Jessica?!
This is where you've been?
I want a dance from you!
Ye-e-e!
Mar--
So, dancing naked
must be fun?
Yeah, sure...
Why wouldn't it be?
Where do you keep
your weed, though?
Ohhhh.
That's good.
I don't have one of those.
Sure.
Bye, Spence.
You'll always be
my best friend.
Forever.
Billy?
Hi, Mrs. Spencer.
Mr. Spencer.
How's it going, booger?
This isn't the prom.
My god.
anything yet?
No.
There you go!
Come on, shake it!
Whoo! You naughty
little honeybee.
Yes, you are!
Ho! Whoo!
Anything yet?
No.
I'm all right.
I'm o--
hey, buddy?
How about a lap dance?
Hey! Can't you read?!
Monday night's gay night.
What?
It's me?
Really?
It is!
It really is!
Aaah!
Taquito?
It's really you.
Billy.
Listen, I...
I'm so so--
Doesn't matter.
Nothing matters.
I don't care about the other
girl I took to the prom.
I don't care
what Jake thinks.
I don't care
that you took my money,
stole my dad's car,
and... tried to run me
down with it.
No, I --
None of that matters.
I'll even try
to find a way
to get over your new job
as an exotic dancer.
Billy...
Do you feel that?
You are the only boy
who makes my heart
beat faster and slower
at the same time.
I'm not pressing charges.
Hey, you better get back
onstage, little lady.
The only place
this little lady is going
is home
with me and my wife.
Hey, what kind of a place do you
think I'm running here, pal?!
Class valedictorian --
Keecia "ling-ling" Jackson.
First of all,
I'd like to say I'm very proud
to be half Korean.
Thank you, honey!
But don't forget --
You're also
one-quarter Jewish!
Mazel tov, baby!
Shalom!
wait! Wait!
Hey, how's it going?
Hey, thanks
for helping me out, man.
You're a good man.
You're a good guy.
Aaaahhh!
Action!
Okay, let's think.
What could have
caused this?
No clue.
I mean, my house is built on
an old Indian burial ground --
Sorry.
Let's try again.
Okay, let's think.
What could have
caused this?
Sorry.
Okay, let's think.
What could have
caused this?
no clue.
One more time.
What could have
caused this?
okay, one more time.
Okay, let's think.
What could have
caused this?
okay.
Okay, one more time.
I'm ready.
okay, I'll get it.
I'm used to it.
I've got cheerleading practice,
the prom.
H-hang on.
Action!
no clue.
Cut!
Action!
no clue.
I mean, my house is built
on an old Indian burial ground.
Sorr--
Aha! Here we go.
Sorry.
Action!
No clue.
I mean --
sorry.
I'll get through it.
Aaah! Here we go.
I'm sorry. Give me that.
Aaah!
Are you saying...
People think I'm perfect?
Are you saying...
People think I'm perfect?
Sorry.
Are you saying...
People think I'm perfect?
Okay.
Okay.
Then we got it?
I think we got it.
All right.
My wedding dress.
Quickly, put it on.
Soon you'll live your life
in jewels and not chains.
Come, child.
Your groom awaits you.
Honeybees,
all right, all right!
Honeybees, all right!
Whoo! Honeybees,
all right, all right!
Honeybees, all right!
Whoo!
Go... go...
Go... go...
Honeybees! Honeybees!
Honeybees! Honeybees!
You ready, hildenburg?
Yes.
Great.
I have one question.
Why am I dressed like
one of the fenmore foxes?
Aren't they our hated
crosstown rivals?
Yes... but...
This year's theme is unity...
For all cheerleaders.
Have fun.
wipe out the foxes!
Boys are cheats
and liars.
They're such a big disgrace.
They will tell you anything
to get to second...
Baseball, baseball,
he thinks he's gonna score.
If you let him go all the way,
then you are a...
Hor... ticulture studies
flowers --
No, she didn't.
Girlfriend's Booty be
all wrapped up in licious.
All wrapped up.
You're pretty dope and phat
yourselves.
Ling-ling!
You forgot lunch, baby pie!
Chicken
with fried vegetable,
bulgogi, and kimchi.
Thanks, mom.
Okay. You all learn
real good now.
Ling-ling? Ling-ling?
Can somebody answer
the phone?
Dang,
that's messed up.
Out of all the Korean
liquor stores,
why did my dad have to
walk into that one?
I'm returning your papers
on the Salem witch trials.
I'm sad to report that Eden,
here, got the only "a."
Well, that's not fair.
I mean, she was the only one
who was actually there.
Vice-principal Bernard.
Miss Spencer,
wonderful job this morning.
You certainly know
how to whip up a crowd.
As pretty as you are, I bet
you really whipped them up
back when you were
cheerleading captain?
Me? No, no, no.
I was much more of a band
chick, actually -- tuba --
Lead tuba -- honor band.
well, then you wouldn't mind
writing us some passes
so we could,
practice some new moves?
Jessica,
I-i-i don't know about that.
You know, that trophy
is gonna look so good
in your office.
All right.
whoo!
That's really good.
Um...
how much do I owe you?
It's okay.
It's on the house.
Really?!
Who's gonna pay for that,
asshole?
You are not gonna make it
in this business.
you total binger!
April, this is gonna go
straight to your ass.
"Itchbay" alert.
Bianca.
Jessica,
you look great!
Are you doing something
different
or just hanging out
with skankier friends?
Wow, Bianca,
you look really good, too.
Um... are you eating less
or just barfing more?
Barfing more.
Good luck
at the cheer competition.
Yeah.
You too.
Bye-bye.
Agh!
My god!
Let's go, winona.
Jess,
what are you doing?
Hang on a sec.
Whoa.
This is kind of cool.
can I help you ladies?
Yeah.
What is this?
Yeah,
I like that, too.
It's actually
a senegalese lute
carved from deerwood,
used for fertility
rituals and...
Sure. Yeah.
Cool.
And you can put
your weed in there.
Check this out.
Yeah.
That's beautiful.
It's actually a model
of the prison on robben island
where Nelson Mandela
was held 27 years.
And before the collapse
of apartheid, of course.
Yeah, he came out
pretty hate-free, though,
you know, ready to heal --
Went on to become
the president of South Africa
after that -- after they freed
him, of course, sure.
Wow.
Yeah.
A lot of people
don't realize this,
but you can put
your weed in there.
This is great. Sure.
Well, if you have
any more questions,
I'll be in the back
sleeping, so...
Great.
Okay. Thanks.
Actually,
this is the back. Sorry.
This stuff makes me feel so
proud to be African-American.
You walk right by
crazy nail,
no say "hi" me.
Hi, mom.
Bye, girls!
Fake pearls!
stop banging those drums!
I didn't even know
you could hear that.
My god.
Look at those earrings.
I'd be the envy
of every girl at prom.
Not like that was
in jeopardy or anything.
Um, excuse me.
How much are these?
Not for sale.
That's a genuine artifact.
No!
No!
Okay, I'm all set.
Is that all you got --
$18?!
It's a gas station.
Everybody pays with
credit cards nowadays.
Help yourself
to some nachos.
Hey, that's for
Doug flutie's kids!
Aah!
Aah! Aah!
I'm in here!
help!
Whoo!
Agh!
Agh!
You look really good.
Really good.
Um, excuse me...
The gas cap's
on that side.
I'm sorry.
Hello...
Full service.
And, um, could you,
like, check the oil
and all that other junk
under the hood?
Like his job
is that hard.
Minimum wage
for a maximum loser.
Good one.
Hey... check this out.
Sorry. Accident.
You're so bad!
I'm okay.
It's okay. I'm okay.
Hey, how much you bet
I can get him again?
Oops.
whoo!
I'm so pretty.
Booger.
Booger!
I told you not to
go through my stuff.
What are you doing
wearing my bra?!
I'm not wearing your bra.
I was simply holding it
against myself.
Get out of my room,
you little turd!
Wait a minute.
What happened to you?
Nothing.
Did that Cavanaugh kid
do this to you?
All right. Come here.
He is such a punk.
You know,
one of these days,
he's gonna get it.
There you go.
Better.
Is that my lipstick?!
Ohhhhh!
hey.
Hi.
Jess,
when you do that...
My whole leg tingles
and shakes.
Really?
Well, what happens
if I kiss you...
There?
You have to come snowboarding
with me this weekend.
Silly Billy nilly,
I told you I'm not
having sex with you.
No.
We could sip hot chocolate
and play scrabble
with my little brother.
You call it
whatever you want.
I'm still not having sex
with you.
Billy...
Look...
You know how important
this is to me.
And when that
special moment happens,
I just... I want it
to be perfect.
I would never dream
of rushing you.
Thank you, Billy.
If you change your mind,
we could drive up together.
I'll wait behind for you.
front... Behind...
I'm still not doing it.
Good night, Billy.
Your life is like
a fairytale.
You and Billy are, like,
totally Disney.
You know,
it's scary sometimes.
I just...
I don't know what I'd do
if things weren't
so... Perfect.
I'm so glad
you're my best friend.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay. Good night.
Bye.
Aaaaaaah!
Aaaaaaaah!
Aah!
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Jessica, honey,
is everything all right?
yes, mother.
It's just a spider.
A really big,
disgusting spider.
Hi. It's April.
Leave me a message.
This isn't happening.
This isn't happening!
It's sick!
Sick!
Ooh!
Hey, dad! Can I have
this cake for breakfast?
yeah.
Whatever. Go for it.
Booger, what the hell
are you doing
eating my boss's cake?
I-I thought you just said
I could eat it.
Ooh.
God...
Where's my...?!
April,
it's me -- Jessica.
I need you to meet me
right after class
out by the track.
Is this really Jessica?
My god,
are you getting a cold?
The competition's only
a week away.
We may have
bigger problems.
April...
April...
April!
Agh!
Whoa!
You stay away from me!
I have pepper spray
on my key chain!
April,
I need you so bad right now.
You have no idea.
How do you know my name?
It's me...
Jessica!
I'm in here.
What did you do with her?
I don't know
what happened.
I woke up this morning...
Like this.
Aah!
And what did I tell you
about these things?!
Aah! Aah!
They go straight
to your ass!
People are gonna be
looking for me!
You gotta believe me!
I'm warning you!
Please, I'm Jessica!
Aah!
Aah! Aaah!
Aaaaaaah!
Agh! Agh!
Aaah!!
Aah!
Aah!
Aah! Agh!
Agh!
my god!
I think I broke a rib!
My eyes burn!
I can't breathe!
This morning,
I woke up a man!
This is by far
the worst day of my life!
April!
Do you remember
in second grade
when you moved here
from Arkansas?
Everybody threw rocks
at you...
Because you talked funny
and your front two teeth
were brown!
I was your only friend.
I gave you that locket
around your neck
when your grandmother
was sick.
And you said...
You said...
We'd be bestest friends
forever.
Boys are cheats
and liars.
They're such
a big disgrace.
They will tell you
anything to get to second...
Baseball, baseball,
he thinks he's gonna score.
If you let him go all the way,
then you are a...
Hor... ticulture studies flowers.
Geologist studies rocks.
The only thing
a guy wants from you
is place to put his...
Cock... roaches, beetles,
butterflies, and bugs.
Nothing makes him happier
than a giant pair of...
Jug... glers and acrobats,
a dancing bear named Chuck.
All guys really want to do is --
Forget it, no such luck.
My god!
My god!
How did this happen?
I don't know what to do.
Okay, okay.
Here.
Go to my house
and wait for me in my room.
Don't worry. We're gonna
figure this thing out.
Here.
You are my bestest,
bestest friend.
Watch the beard.
Sorry.
hi.
Okay, so, listen,
she bought it.
I told your mom that
you're going on that ski
trip with Billy's family,
and that'll at least
buy us the weekend.
You think I'll be stuck
like this all weekend?!
Aah!
Gross.
Agh!
I've got hair
everywhere --
In my nose, in my ears,
on my chin.
I'm afraid to look
anywhere else.
It's like I'm an ad
for hair.
Okay, well, listen,
maybe this will help.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
Against the grain.
Okay, ready?
Hold still.
aaah!
Grrrah! Agh!
So...
So...
What?
Do you really have
a penis?
April!
Can I see it?
What is the matter
with you?!
I don't think you get the
gravity of the situation here.
You're right.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Can I see it?
W-- what is your problem?
What?
It's not every day
that your best friend
grows a penis.
Do you want to see it?
Okay, fine --
If it'll shut you up.
Nice.
Nice.
I mean, you know...
I've only seen a couple,
but that's definitely top 5.
How many have you seen?
Five.
Not including
my little brother's.
You little tramp!
Aah!
aah! Aah!
Aah!
Aaah!
Aah! Aah!
Motherfuck!!
Stan...
I am beginning to worry
about April.
She has been acting
rather strange.
Is it drugs?
No, no.
I... i think it's
her hormonal development.
She just ate six
peanut-butter-and-jelly
sandwiches
and an entire carton
of ice cream.
And what do you make
of this?
It's April's soap.
Well?
What do you think?
I think you need more things
to fill out your day.
Okay?
Are we done?
Hello?
All right, who is this?
I should have made love to you
when I had the chance.
Father mulcahy?
tell me I'm beautiful.
On the inside.
Look...
Jessica has a problem.
She's only gonna make us
wait an hour this time?
What about the class trip
to six flags?
She took so long
in the bathroom, we
all missed the bus.
Our parents had to drive
three hours to pick us up.
I had my period, okay?!
Okay, now that everybody's
up to speed,
can we start thinking
about how I can get
my life back?
Um, that's definitely
gonna cost you a few
votes for prom queen.
Yeah.
Okay.
Come on, you guys,
let's get serious.
Stop dicking around.
Guys!
I've got cheerleading
competition, the prom.
None of my clothes fit.
I think I'm going bald.
And how am I gonna go
to school?
She's right.
Okay...
Let's think.
What could have
caused this?
maybe it wasn't
an accident.
It's gotta be one
of the people who hates
Jessica that did this.
Yeah.
What are you
talking about?
People don't hate me.
You see, Jess...
Because you are
so beautiful and perfect...
Certain people
might misconstrue
some of the mean and hurtful
things you say and do to them.
Although the things
you say are funny...
People
tend to focus more
on their own
public humiliation and shame.
So you're saying...
People think...
I'm perfect?
Let's make a list
of all the people
who hate Jessica.
You know what would be
a shorter list?
All the people
who don't hate Jessica.
You bitch!
Easy on the coffee.
Ha ha ha ha!
Ho ho ho!
Aah!
Ha ha ha!
Aah!
Ha ha ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Agh!
Hi.
Good morning.
Did you sleep well?
Surprisingly, yes.
You have any...
Special dreams?
Not particularly.
You sure?
Why?
My god,
my first boner!
There you are!
You're the gardener
from the service, right?
sí.
Damn lawn's a mess.
It's my daughter's
responsibility
to look after it,
but you know teenage girls.
Sí, sí.
"Teenageros."
Sorry. Richie Spencer.
Um...
Taquito.
Taquito.
There's the mower.
There's your bag
of fertilizer.
Ho!
I'll let you get to it.
Damn, I love the smell
of fresh-cut grass.
Gracias, but... I'm not sure
I'm old enough, señor.
yeah, right.
What is the drinking age
in Mexico -- 40?
Come on, take a load off.
You can finish in a minute.
Hope you don't mind
the light beer.
I had to cut back
on account of the bloating.
Know what I mean?
I also had to give up
the spicy food on
account of my asshole.
We're amongst men,
aren't we?
"Stinko de Mayo."
You like that car?
That's my daughter's.
Pretty nice?
It would have looked
even better in red.
That's what
my daughter said.
We used to go out
back on Sundays and
toss a few baskets,
shoot the shit.
But she's got her own stuff
going on now.
Who could blame her?
Whole family's falling apart.
What?
Things with the wife --
Forget about it.
I mean,
we sleep in the same bed.
Might as well be
separate countries.
That is, like, so sad.
Ay-yi-yi!
Ay-yi... yi.
I tried everything.
Nothing worked.
I even got out the
razor and gave myself
a porn-star trim.
Wanna see?
Check it out.
Aah!
Boy, she used to be wild.
The sex was great.
We'd be going at it,
and she could still find a way
to twist around
and kiss me on the mouth.
Señor,
information too mucho.
Emotional "scarro" --
Disgusting.
It's good talking to you,
taquito.
Hey, Jessica! Jessica!
Come here!
We've got a suspect.
Yes!
Come on.
Something smells
like dog pooh.
I think
I'm sitting next to it.
Ew!
Come on, hildenburg,
don't play dumb.
You hate Jessica, you're good
at this science crap.
Now, just confess
and give us the antidote.
April, it's
physically impossible
for a woman to transform
into a man overnight.
So you're saying that you
had nothing to do with this.
Look...
Let's just pretend this was
an alternate universe
where I actually
believed you.
Why would I want to help
Jessica out, anyway?
Jessica!
Hildenburg...
I'm sorry
that I humiliated you
in front of
the entire school...
And the visiting
8th-graders.
but you
have no idea what it's like
to wake up every morning
and have to shave your chin.
yes, I do.
Who's next on the list?
whoa.
Well, it is cold in here.
So you never put
a hex on me?
I put plenty
of hexes on you --
To give you dandruff,
make your hair fall out,
make one of your boobs
bigger than the other.
I think
you got me with that one.
Heh hee hee!
Hee hee!
There's some powerful
cult magic at work here...
Like an ancient spell...
Or voodoo...
Or santeria.
What's santeria?
It's a Latin-based form
of witchcraft.
It originated in Africa
and then eventually
made its way to Cuba and Brazil.
Bianca!
I knew it.
Most of its rituals
involve a chicken.
That sounds delicious.
I mean, interesting.
there's a way to tell.
A true practitioner
of santeria
bears the Mark of the scorpion
tattooed on their back.
Bianca's always hanging out
at that dance club --
Instant tang.
Yeah, tonight's ladies' night,
and we all get in for free!
Well, most of us.
Trust me --
You'll never get Bianca
to dance with you
looking like this.
No... no...
What is that?
No... no... no...
what?
Nothing.
You just look good.
Really?
Yeah.
Okay. Thanks.
No, she's not gonna...
No, he -- she's
not gonna do it.
Yes, she is.
Wow!
That is so good.
T-that's $8.95.
What?
Aren't you just gonna take it
out of your tip jar?
Aah!
$8.95?
Yeah.
I got that.
I'll take
two banana daiquiris,
one mango,
a sloe-gin fizz,
one slippery nipple,
a screaming orgasm on the beach
with extra sugar on the rim.
Yum!
Better
make that last one a brewski.
double brewski.
they didn't even card me.
It's just like cabo.
how does a butt plug
like that get all
those hot chicks?
I got dibs on the dots.
god damn!
Ooh, he's cute.
Check out the sweet buns
on that guy.
I'd like to get
my hands on those and...
wish
they were women's breasts
and... squeeze the hell
out of 'em.
Maybe put a steak
on 'em...
'Cause I'm a guy.
That's what guys like me
like to do.
But I don't need
to tell you that.
Bianca.
I'll show her.
This is my song.
remember,
the scorpion on her back.
I'll find it.
ew!
The tattoo!
I don't see it!
Right hand, red.
Ooh... left hand, blue.
Ooh!
Ha!
Aaaaaah!
It's definitely not her.
Don't worry.
We'll figure this out.
You're a great dancer.
You're just
noticing that now?
I gotta hit
the little girls' room
before I soak my panties.
Um...
by that, I mean...
My girlfriend's panties...
Which I carry with me...
To pee in...
If I don't make it
in time...
To the bathroom.
What?
You don't pee in your
girlfriend's panties?
What kind of gay club
is this?
Hey, everybody,
check out this guy --
Not peeing in his
chick's panties.
excuse me...
Do you have to be
in here for this?
Well, it's part of
my job description,
but if you're one
of those shy guys,
you try that stall there.
There's someone
in there.
And they're gonna be in there
for a long time, too.
I told him to stay away
from the calamari.
Some folks think they can eat
anything that crawls.
Would you mind?
Ooh!!
Ooh, hoo!
Excuse me?
Why is there ice in there?
Ooh! I wouldn't have
done that.
You're good at that.
You make it look so easy.
Why don't you just
take a picture?
all right.
Here goes.
Disgusting! Wrinkly!
Gross!
Ew!
I've never
done this before.
It's going all over.
It's always good
to aim at something,
like that cigarette there...
Or the big mint.
It's going everywhere!
You got to hold on
to it.
not too tight, but enough to
let it know you're the boss.
See that fly?
Aim for it.
That's -- that's helping.
That's it.
Remember, if you shake it
more than twice,
you're playing with it.
I don't know how I could
ever thank you.
Hi!
That was
an experience.
Here's your drink.
Is there any ice
in here?
No.
Thank god!
Hey...
aren't you that chick
who's having sex
with that college guy?
No!
Wanna be?
She's not interested,
okay?
So why don't you
just back off?
Okay, grandpa.
What are you, their pimp,
and these are your skank hoes?
You and me, right now --
Let's go.
Where we going?
Aah!
No!
Jess!
Come on, Jess.
Come on!
You can do it.
What do you got, geezer?
Come on!
You can do it!
Come on!
Show me what you got!
Come on!
What the...
What's he doing?
Some kind of tae-queer-do.
That's it!
No! Aaah!
Aah!
Ha ha!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Jess!
Ooh, yeah!
Yeah! Yes!
That really does hurt.
Thanks for
sticking up for me.
Now go kick some ass.
Aah!!
Aah!
You think you're so
cool 'cause you can
pee with your penis.
Get a new conditioner.
Your ends are totally split.
You rock!
April, I don't know.
Come on.
This is the only way
you can be in school.
here comes Jake.
Hi!
Hey, baby.
So, skiing sucked.
I mean, you didn't miss a thing.
It was all mushed out.
What's with the scarf?
It's kinda chilly in here.
Ski rash.
So, I'm gonna --
I better -- I'm gonna
go to class, so... All right.
April, I am so sorry.
he didn't
even ask me to the prom.
Jake and I are so over.
Okay...
Now, you get in there.
And remember --
Your name is Spence.
I must tell you... Spence,
there are applicants
who actually have
prior janitorial experience.
Your hair --
It has such bounce.
It's this new cream ri--
Um, anyway,
a-as I was saying,
you haven't really
provided me with --
Look...
I'll be honest
with you.
I'm a struggling musician.
Ever since my days
playing the tuba
in the high-school
marching band --
Y-you -- you --
You play the tuba?
Yes...
In the honor band.
Well, Spence, I'd be going
out on a limb here, but --
You won't regret it,
I promise.
Thank you, miss Bernard.
Thank you.
please,
call me Marjorie.
Marjorie.
Now, if you'll just fill out
the security portion here
of the form...
all right.
Billy...
Aah!
We need to talk.
About what?!
I called you
on your ski trip to --
That was you?!
Yeah.
God!
I can explain.
Billy, wait!
I gotta do what?
hi, there. I miss you.
Hi, Sam.
Hey, taquito, think fast.
you got me, señor.
Taquito, pick up that ball.
You and me are gonna
shoot some hoops.
gotcha!
Back to Tijuana!
Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-al!
how are things
with the missus, señor?
Still not getting any.
When was the last time
you kissed her?
You mean, kiss her,
or kiss her kiss her?
Eugggh!
Señor, sometimes when
a woman is ignoring you,
that's when
she wants you the most.
She's only waiting for you
to open up her passion,
which is like a waterfall
waiting to explode.
You must get a lot
of enchilada, taquito.
Come on, bring it!
Tres points, señor.
Lucky shot.
My outs again, señor.
How did you know I don't
move so well to my right?
Booger?
Have you
seen your sister?
I feel like I haven't
talked to her in days.
She was here a minute ago.
You just missed her.
Good game.
señor Richie?
I need to tell you
something...
but I can't.
What do you got
going on, taquito?
I'm not really a gardener.
I agree with that.
The roses look like shit.
I'm sorry.
Come on, now,
easy there, big fella.
They're just roses.
I want to tell you...
I think you're the greatest dad
in the world.
Any kid would be lucky
to have you as their father.
Thanks, taquito.
I'd hate to see you
after you lose a game.
Okay, did you eat
any wolfsbane?
No.
Any sex with a leprechaun?
Not recently.
My god.
You know, they should come
with a warning --
"earrings may come
with penis."
this be some serious shit.
Those belonged
to Princess nawa.
There's a myth
of her using the earrings
to escape a bad marriage.
But she didn't know
that she had to bring
the earrings back together,
and she lived out her life
as a slave girl.
Now, it appears that
this myth is anything but.
Would you stop
with the damn drumming?
I'm sorry.
I... just was really
getting into your story.
You've got to find
that other earring
and unite them
before the full moon end.
I got you, babe.
Don't worry about it.
Hey, ling-ling!
Ling-ling!
Ling-ling, look!
Look, I help!
I help you!
Hey, Billy.
Yeah!
Is he okay?
Whoo!
what's the matter, man?
You afraid the janitor's
gonna see your dingdong?
So, what's up
with you and the prom queen?
I don't know.
I thought everything was fine,
but I guess I was wrong.
See, that's why
you gotta have a spare, man.
That's what April is.
She's my spare.
Spare?
Yeah, she's my backup.
I mean, she was a fun ride --
No doubt about this --
But she is
a previously owned vehicle.
I'm into that new-car smell.
You asshole!
W-whoever left these
towels over here...
Is an asshole.
Now, this new chick I got --
Dude, she is gonna be
the hottest chick at the prom.
I bet one of her
little hottie friends
would love to go out
with the quarterback.
I don't know, man.
Come on, man.
Maybe this one will
put out, unlike that
cold fish, Jessica.
You go to hell!
Whoever left
these showers on...
Go to... Hell.
Hey...
Jessica's anything
but a cold fish, all right?
She's the most amazing girl
in the whole world.
Dude, you've never even
been out of California.
I don't care.
I love her.
I mean, I know she thinks
I only want to have
sex with her,
but that's not
what it's about.
I mean,
when that moment comes...
I want it to be perfect.
Wow.
That is the gayest thing
I have ever heard.
She's the only girl
that makes my heart
beat faster and slower
at the same time.
When I'm not with her...
I'm not living.
I'm only existing until I can
hold her in my arms again.
Gay, gay, gay, gay.
Somebody shit in the locker.
Can I help you
find something?
I-i was looking for my...
Earring.
It,
accidentally fell...
Into the lawn mower...
And, Ricocheted
into the window.
I've always liked
earrings on men.
Would you like some lemonade?
Here you go, taquito.
It's got a Mexican flavor
to it.
What the hell is that?!
Quesadilla and spicy menudo
with jalapeños --
Your national dish.
I'm sorry.
it's been so long
since I heard you laugh.
I mean...
Since I started
working here.
Back!
I -- I am so sorry.
no problemo.
No problemo.
aah! Carol! Carol! Please!
This would be
very unnatural for me
in at least
five different ways!
So... you like men?
Of course I do.
What do you think?
Carol...
You are a beautiful
and very desirable woman.
And you have a husband
who's dying to be with you.
H-he said that?
Yes.
I cleaned up the language
a bit, but... Yes.
I know!
Let's go paint
your toenails.
Then we'll wash your hair!
My daughter, Jessie,
used to do those things for me.
I'll make up for that
right now.
Come on...
Let's show that man of yours
what he's been missing.
come on!
okay!
Sí, yeah, sí, sí.
Okay.
Sí, sí, sí.
Sí, sí.
To the left -- ooh,
right, right, right, right!
Yes!!
Sí.
I love that. Yes!
Carol!
How could you?!
In my own house?!
And you, taquito --
We were supposed to be amigos!
The loofah for
the scrubbing. The sc--
get out!
Señor, is for the --
The bath. I was --
Shut up-o.
I was scrubbing.
Out!
Señor...
Richie, Richie...
really, I-it's --
It's not what you think.
It's my own fault.
Daddy!
Daddy!
Look at
all these earrings.
It's hopeless.
I'm sorry.
The prom's in three days.
Forget about
the cheer competition.
I had it all.
And I never really
appreciated it.
I took everybody
for granted.
And today, my dad walked in
on me and my mom in the tub.
I think I may have
lost my job as gardener.
You know, I'm kinda
sorry to say this,
but... this has been
really fun.
Yeah, right.
Hey, babe, it's Jake.
Listen, I got a half-hour
after wrestling.
I can either take a shower
or I can come on over.
too late, dude.
She's with me right now.
She says that my peepee's
way bigger than yours.
And that's
if I fold it in half.
Wha--
No way!
My god,
that was awesome, Spence.
anytime.
You know, I really thought
I was in love.
How do you know for sure,
anyway?
I think it's when
you find someone
that you can really
be yourself with...
Share anything...
You know?
You mean like best friends?
Yeah.
Love's when
you can't even imagine
what your life would be like
without that other person,
when words don't come close to
how your heart really feels.
And even though it doesn't
make sense to other people,
you kn you're meant
to be together.
And you spend all night
thinking about him.
And in the morning,
you've never felt more rested.
It's like you have to
grab on to something,
'cause it seems like your whole
body's about to float away.
Okay...
what?
I have an idea.
What? What, what?
Tell --
it might sound
kind of crazy.
Tell me. Tell me.
What?
Why don't you and I
go to the prom together?
That would be awesome!
Yeah!
Yeah!
So cool!
Aaah!
Yeah!
We'd make Jake so jealous.
Yeah.
I got to pee.
Ooh, I got to pee.
Ooh.
Hoo!
Jeez!
Sorry, I'll get that.
Are you okay?
I'll get it.
Sorry.
Jessica?
Jessica?!
Jessica!
Jessica.
Thank god.
I love you, baby.
I would do
anything for you.
yeah?
how much money you got?
What?
How much money you got?
Um...
About $40.
That your car?
It's my dad's.
You know that.
Yeah. Cool.
Give me the keys.
Thanks.
Hey, so,
w-what'd you say your name was?
Billy.
Yeah. Ooh.
Take it easy, Bobby.
it's "Billy."
Aaah!
Yeah.
Where's Jessica?
don't worry, miss Bernard.
She'll be here.
Hey.
I really
hope this works, Jessica.
Come on,
let's go kick some ass.
Okay.
Aah.!
Dude, there's Jessica.
Whatever.
Dude!
Number one!
She do love me.
Whoo-hoo!
The bees are coming!
The bees are coming!
Sting this!
That's you! That's you!
I see you!
Yeah!
- Whoa!
- Aaah!
Aaah!
Je--
Come on, man.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it appears the older gentleman
in the bee outfit
with the fake boobs
is the school janitor.
As per section 31c
of the rule book,
school employees
are allowed to be mascots.
Say hello
to your new champions --
The Bridgetown honeys!
aaah! Aaah! Aaah!
Aaah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Aaah! Aaah!
Aaah! Aaah!
Whoo-hoo!
Here's
a bizarre story for you --
Police are now searching
for the hot chick bandit --
A beautiful young woman who
lures men into dark alleyways,
beats them senseless,
and takes their wallets.
Well, we thought
maybe she needed some help.
Yeah, we're helpful guys.
So we went into the alley, and
then she starts wailing on me.
And let me tell you --
She didn't hit like a girl.
Luckily, fitzy,
the good guy that he is --
He was hiding behind a dumpster
with a video camera.
Looks like she worked you over
pretty good.
Yeah, well,
don't get me wrong --
I got some shots in.
Why? God.
God, that hurt.
Why?!
Hi, it's April.
Leave me a message.
April, it's hildenburg.
I think I found Jessica's body.
It's in an alley outside a bar.
But we got to move fast,
because the police are
already looking for it.
Call me back.
Aaaahhh!
Jessica?
not now, booger.
I knew it!
Jessie, it is you!
How come you didn't
snitch on me?
'Cause you're my sister,
and I accept you
for who you are.
Come here.
You are such
a little weirdo.
Ooh...
Sweet as cand-y!
Ling-ling!
"L" to the "I"
to the "n" to the "g."
Ling-ling, you forgot
your bling-bling.
Mom...
you're ruining my life!
I just want
to meet you halfway.
Nigga, "prease"!
I wish my mama got me
some bling-bling.
Honey, if you don't
want her as your mama,
I'll take her.
Girl, please.
Girl, please.
You still think I have
a chance at prom queen?
No.
Okay.
Mom!
I'm sorry.
But why do you have to
keep embarrassing me
in front of my friends?
You're not ashamed of me.
You're really ashamed
of yourself.
Tell Lulu --
Easy on the chronic.
H-h-hi, Carol.
Jessica
didn't get ready here.
No. No, she hasn't
been here all week.
I knew it!
something is going on
with Jessica and April.
I'm gonna
get to the bottom of it.
If you ruin April's night,
I will have you put away.
Wh--
I-if you're not gonna help me,
I-I'm gonna do it myself.
I think this
is a good spot.
Jake's got to
come right by here.
I don't really care
about Jake anymore.
You shouldn't.
He's a jerk.
There's no one I'd rather
be with here tonight.
Me either.
April, you look
so beautiful tonight.
No one has ever been there
for me like you have.
You've always
been there for me.
Any guy would be so lucky to
have you as their girlfriend.
And I should know.
I've been a guy
for almost a week now.
And in that time, you have been
such a good friend to me.
I don't know how
I could ever thank you.
Ehhhh...
Here he comes.
That dress looks great.
Is it easy to get out of?
God.
Aaah!
I am so lesbian
right now.
We totally nailed him.
Jake is so jealous.
He spilled his drink
all over his date.
You should've seen it.
We already got him, honey.
He can't see us anym--
Spence, I love you.
I love you, too, April.
If you weren't holding on
to me right now...
I'd float away.
You're my best friend,
and now you're a guy.
It's meant to be.
April...
You don't need me
or any guy
to make you feel
beautiful and special...
Because you are.
You are the greatest girl
in the whole world.
You are all you need.
I know it's crazy,
but I can't help it.
I'm in love with you,
Spence.
April...
You gonna be okay?
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
We're not gonna let
a little thing like...
Me turning into a man
and you wanting to be with me
get in the way
of our friendship, are we?
I'm in love with Billy.
And if I'm gonna be
stuck like this forever,
he's just gonna have to
accept me as I am --
A man.
That's my man.
I think I know
who's in Jessica's body.
And I know
where we can find him.
Let's find Jessica
and get out of here.
Hildenburg,
you know what to do.
Come on.
Aah!
Come on.
That's a huge bitch.
I didn't see it coming.
No way, man.
scoot. He's mine.
Boy,
I don't think so.
Aah!
get away!
Billy...
It's me -- Jessica.
It's always been me.
Mister...
You're freaking me out.
You know how
when I touch you there,
it makes your whole leg
tingle?
And when
I touch you here...
No. No.
No, it can't be.
Do you remember
after the homecoming game...
After you threw the winning pass
to beat carlmont,
you and I went
behind the scoreboard and...
You got to believe me.
Silly... billy... nilly.
Just close your eyes.
You'll know it's me.
I can't!
I can't do it!
You always said you'd love me
no matter what.
Bu-- I --
You're a 30-year-old dude!
Just on the outside!
Billy!
bil--
We found your body.
It'll be fine.
Are you sure
she's all right?
I'm sure everything's
gonna be fine.
Booger!
Booger, hurry up!
Come on, buddy!
You got to learn to
run in those heels
if you're gonna wear them.
shit!
I knew it was gonna be
a good night.
God.
Thanks, hildenburg.
I want my body back
right now!
Well, finders keepers,
sweetheart.
How dare you?! Do you know what
this could do to my lungs?!
You give me that earring!
Give me that earring!
You give me that earring.
Give it to me. Give it.
Give it to me.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Sit down.
Calm down. Calm down.
I'll make you a deal,
okay?
Now...
Just let me make another
500 bucks tonight, okay?
And then I'll give you
your body back
'cause it's
so important to you.
"I'm crying about my body."
And then...
You can just loan it to me
every other weekend
and -- so I can pay off
some gambling debts.
Weekends --
Loan you my body.
I want my body back!
Give me my body back!
Give --
Hey...
Look at me.
I'm only gonna
tell you this once --
No strangling the dancers
or you are out of here!
Now, can't you read?
Now, this is more like it.
I got to hit the head.
hey, don't worry.
We're gonna get him.
Hey, babe.
sweetheart.
Hey...
No way!
Jessica?!
This is where you've been?
I want a dance from you!
Ye-e-e!
Mar--
So, dancing naked
must be fun?
Yeah, sure...
Why wouldn't it be?
Where do you keep
your weed, though?
Ohhhh.
That's good.
I don't have one of those.
Sure.
Bye, Spence.
You'll always be
my best friend.
Forever.
Billy?
Hi, Mrs. Spencer.
Mr. Spencer.
How's it going, booger?
This isn't the prom.
My god.
anything yet?
No.
There you go!
Come on, shake it!
Whoo! You naughty
little honeybee.
Yes, you are!
Ho! Whoo!
Anything yet?
No.
I'm all right.
I'm o--
hey, buddy?
How about a lap dance?
Hey! Can't you read?!
Monday night's gay night.
What?
It's me?
Really?
It is!
It really is!
Aaah!
Taquito?
It's really you.
Billy.
Listen, I...
I'm so so--
Doesn't matter.
Nothing matters.
I don't care about the other
girl I took to the prom.
I don't care
what Jake thinks.
I don't care
that you took my money,
stole my dad's car,
and... tried to run me
down with it.
No, I --
None of that matters.
I'll even try
to find a way
to get over your new job
as an exotic dancer.
Billy...
Do you feel that?
You are the only boy
who makes my heart
beat faster and slower
at the same time.
I'm not pressing charges.
Hey, you better get back
onstage, little lady.
The only place
this little lady is going
is home
with me and my wife.
Hey, what kind of a place do you
think I'm running here, pal?!
Class valedictorian --
Keecia "ling-ling" Jackson.
First of all,
I'd like to say I'm very proud
to be half Korean.
Thank you, honey!
But don't forget --
You're also
one-quarter Jewish!
Mazel tov, baby!
Shalom!
wait! Wait!
Hey, how's it going?
Hey, thanks
for helping me out, man.
You're a good man.
You're a good guy.
Aaaahhh!
Action!
Okay, let's think.
What could have
caused this?
No clue.
I mean, my house is built on
an old Indian burial ground --
Sorry.
Let's try again.
Okay, let's think.
What could have
caused this?
Sorry.
Okay, let's think.
What could have
caused this?
no clue.
One more time.
What could have
caused this?
okay, one more time.
Okay, let's think.
What could have
caused this?
okay.
Okay, one more time.
I'm ready.
okay, I'll get it.
I'm used to it.
I've got cheerleading practice,
the prom.
H-hang on.
Action!
no clue.
Cut!
Action!
no clue.
I mean, my house is built
on an old Indian burial ground.
Sorr--
Aha! Here we go.
Sorry.
Action!
No clue.
I mean --
sorry.
I'll get through it.
Aaah! Here we go.
I'm sorry. Give me that.
Aaah!
Are you saying...
People think I'm perfect?
Are you saying...
People think I'm perfect?
Sorry.
Are you saying...
People think I'm perfect?
Okay.
Okay.
Then we got it?
I think we got it.
All right.