The Honeymooners (2005) - full transcript

New York City bus driver Ralph Kramden and his feisty wife Alice, struggle to make ends meet. Despite Ralph's many get-rich-quick schemes/motivational speaker tape series, they've managed to save some money and, along with their best friends Ed and Trixie Norton, they seem to have almost enough money for a down payment on a Brooklyn duplex. However, when Ralph decides to try to impress Alice by making up what he's lost and augmenting their savings with another of his crazy schemes, he winds up losing all their money and his marriage to boot--and it takes all his determination and love for Alice to get things on track again.

[ Engine Starts, Revs ]

[ Man On Radio ] This is
DJ Suckaslam, spinnin' it
old school tonight,

inviting all of New York
to forget your Y2K worries,
turn up your radio,

and help good old Chuck Brown
bust loose.

♪♪ [ Funk ]

Oh, yeah.
Bust it up, New York.

[ Singing Along ]
♪ I feel like bustin' loose
Bustin' loose ♪

♪ Bustin' loose in the evening ♪

♪ Bustin' loose
can be pleasing ♪

♪ Talkin' 'bout bustin' loose ♪

♪ Bustin' loose
in the meantime ♪



♪ Bustin' loose
make you feel fine ♪

♪ Talkin' 'bout bustin' loose
Yeah, man ♪

[ Horn Honks ]

♪ Bustin' loose
to my love jones ♪

♪ Bustin' loose
To each his own ♪

♪ Gimme the beat, y'all ♪

♪ [ Vocalizing ]

♪ Hey, Leroy ♪

♪ Gimme some of that
horn right here ♪

♪ [ Vocalizing ]

♪ Gimme some of that horn ♪

[ Horn Honking ]

♪ Well, well ♪
Wow!

Taxi!
Ohh! Oh!



[ Brakes Screeching ]

[ Horn Honking ]

♪ I feel like bustin' loose
Bustin' loose, y'all ♪

[ Beeping ] ♪ Feel freaky deak ♪

♪ Feel freaky deak
Feel freaky deak ♪

♪ Feel ♪

Can I give you a ride?The way you drive?

♪ I feel like bustin' loose
Bustin' loose, now ♪

♪ Bustin' loose
when you want to deal ♪

♪ Bustin' loose
doin' what you feel ♪

♪ Talkin' 'bout
bustin' loose, girl ♪

♪ Bustin' loose
when you want to deal ♪

♪ Bustin' loose
doin' what you feel ♪

♪ Talkin' 'bout
bustin' loose now ♪

♪ Bustin' loose
when you want to sing ♪

♪ Bustin' loose
Baby, do your thing ♪

♪ Talkin' 'bout
bustin' loose, girl ♪

♪ Bustin' loose
when you want to sing ♪

♪ Bustin' loose
Baby, do your thing ♪

[ Laughing ]

♪ Gimme the beat, y'all ♪♪

♪♪ [ Ends ]What's up? How you doin'?

Oh, wow. You sure got
a lot of confidence.

[ Clears Throat ]
Ralph. Ralph Kramden.

Operator of this machine
and, uh, this machine.

Alice. Alice Gibson.

What's up, Alice Gibson?

So, Ralph Kramden,
you takin' me
to Brooklyn, or what?

I'll take you anywhere
you want to go-- Crown Heights,
Red Hook, Bushwick.

I'll take you to the moon,
Alice. Come on.

♪♪ [ Hip-hop ]

♪♪ [ Man Vocalizing ]

I hope you're not gonna
lose your job over this.

[ Chuckles ]
So what if I do?

This right here,
this whole bus driver thing?
This is temporary.

I'm an entrepreneur,
and, uh, this is gonna
make me a millionaire.

"Kramden International
Y2K Ultra Deluxe Survival Kit"?

Yeah, and when Y2K hit,
you gonna need all that
stuff in there.

You think Y2K's
gonna be that bad?

You ain't been watchin' CNN?

When every computer
in the world shuts down
on New Year's Eve,

that kit, plus a check
or money order for 29.99
plus shipping and handling,

is the only thing
that's gonna protect you
against total chaos.

Wow. Total chaos?

Yeah. I mean,
you know, if I'm lucky.

I guess my dream's
a little bit more practical.

Oh, yeah? Like what?My own home.

Nothin' fancy,
just a little place all my own.
You know?

No landlord or haggling
with the super to fix the pipes
or rent increases.

Just... my name
on a deed and...

some lawn chairs on
the front porch so I can watch
my kids play ball in the street.

You got kids?

I'm playin'.

Can't you feel it, Alice?
We are on the verge
of a new millennium.

You need to stick with your boy,
because I'm about to blow up!

I mean, you'll see.

This job,
these empty pockets,
this waistline-- gone!

[ Laughs ]Yeah. One day--

[ Shouts ]
I'm gonna own this town!

[ Siren Wailing In Distance ]

Is that what you think?
I own this town?

I just asked you to talk
to the super about the pipes,
Ralph.

That's all.Today?

The Mets are in the seventh game
of the World Series,
and you know this, Alice,

and you want me
to think about plumbing?

[ Splattering ]
Okay.

So it makes a little noise.
But so do you, and I've
learned to live with that.

Ralph.[ Pipes Creaking ]

Fine. But I'm not dragging
the super into this.

I'm calling my boy Norton.
He works in the sewers.
He knows pipes.

Yo, Norton!

What's up with the Mets?Today's the day, baby!

Yeah, buddy! Oh!

[ Baby Giggling ]

[ Woman ]
Oh, my God!
What did you do to my baby?

[ Baby Crying ]

I didn't do anything!Never mind them, Ralphie.

I got a new riddle for ya.

A man was born in 1955.
What made him--

Look, not now!

Alice wants you to get down here
and take a look at these pipes.

She's driving me crazy.All right.

Don't come down that.
That thing is gonna kill you!

He's coming down
the fire escape.

Hey, Alice.Hi, Ed.

Come on, Ralph.
A man was born in 1955.

Today's his 18th birthday.
How's that possible, huh?

1955 is not the year he was
born, it's the number of the
hospital room he was born in.

Damn, you smart.

What seems to be
the problem, Alice?

Oh, listen, Ed.

[ Creaking, Splattering ]

I'm on it.

He's on it.
Why's he gotta be on it?
What happened to you?

Knock, knock!
Morning, Kramdens.

Oh, hey, Trix.
What do you got there,
Trixie?

Ooh, I made French toast.
Alice, I tried this
new powdered sugar, Tasty Meds.

It's the one they give to the
diabetics right when they wake
up from the coma-- 99 cents.

It's a slight little aftertaste,
but it's still good.
Right, Ralph?

Mm-hmm. See?

- Trixie makes Ed French toast.
- That's 'cause Ed's
not on Trimspa.

Oh, you got jokes.
You just a regular
UPN sitcom, huh, Alice?

I gotta get
to these pipes.
Look, just fix it, okay?

It'll be good to have
some peace and quiet
around here.

[ Shouts ] You-- You-- You--Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Ed, what'd you do now?

They wanted me
to fix their pipes, baby.

Yeah, not knock
a big whole in the wall!

That's where the pipes are.

If you'd just talked to
the landlord like I asked

you to in the first place--That's a much better idea,

'cause I do my best work
down below.

Ooh, now that is true, baby.You did say that.

I'm a professional. People
always call me-- [ Indistinct ]

[ Chattering ]

Get out!

[ Trixie ]
It's all right, baby.
It's okay.

Yeah, ah-ah-ah-ah.
Take the wife,
leave the French toast.

Oh, man!See you at the diner, Alice!

Later, Trix.

Hey, Ralph, after work
we're gonna watch that game--

Out!Ah!

Go Mets.

You are certifiable,
you know that? You oughta
have your head examined.

I'll have my head examined
anywhere in the United States.

And you know what they're gonna
find when they look in there?
Nothin'!

I ask you to do one thing.
One thing!

You never appreciate
anything I do!

You always go on and on!

I can't take it anymore![ Beeping ]

You gotta go.
I am late.

Here's your lunch.

Hey, Tastykakes.Yeah.

Be careful.
Always am.

[ Horns Honking ]

Stay outta the bus lane!

Hey!Vivek, my man.

The Mets are goin'
all the way, Ralph.

You'll do very well. [ Laughs ]Oh, yeah. You know that.

Do you have a wager
on the game tonight, Ralph?

Well, no, not exactly.

Let's just say I'm taking
advantage of certain
economic opportunities.

Or as my investment guru
Bart Roberts says,

"Kick open the door
and opportunity
don't have to knock."

[ Chuckles, Coughs ]
That's Bart Roberts.

Order up.

Girls, come over here.
Come over here.
I have something to show you.

This is your new uniform.Oh, no, no.

You don't like it?

Mm-mmm, but I like
the neckline, the "V."

The health inspector's
coming soon, so we gotta
keep everything clean.

Now, but I'm gonna
show you something.

You see this?
Ahh! Look at that.

See? Spotless.Voilà.

Yes.Excuse me.

I'd, uh--
I'd like to order.

Alice, please take him,
'cause I can tell he's
gonna get on my nerves.

[ Sighs ]
Hi. How can I help you today?

Yes, Alice, I would like an egg
white omelet. And if I could
get a clean glass of water.

Well, precious, we don't
separate our eggs here,

and that's about as clean
as it's gonna get.

Well, what do you have that's
similar to an egg white omelet?

Eggs.[ Scoffs ]

Well, then, by all means,
why don't you just bring me
whatever's convenient for you?

Ah! Do I need
to take off my heels?

No, no. Not yet.

I've angered you.
I'm sorry. It happens a lot.

Alice, hello.

Oh, hi, Miss Benvenuti.
How are you?

I'm fine. Hi, Trixie.
How are you?

Miss Benvenuti,
what a pleasure. Please.

If you just buy my house
that will be pleasure enough.

Miss Benvenuti, you're selling
that cute little duplex
over on Hart Street?

Yes, I can't take
the winters anymore.

Mr. Davis here
and his company are thinking
of buying my house.

Yes, we are.
So, uh, if you girls could
just go and cook something--

Ignoring you.Yeah, I wish we would've known.

We've been looking
to buy a duplex for years.

I'm sorry, but my company's
already buying this one.

Yes, well, we're not
a company or anything,

but we would like a nice place
to move into with our husbands,

have a few little babies--
a little Trixie.

Everything's
so expensive nowadays.

Yes, it is.
Kind of wishing you hadn't

dropped out of high school
right about now, huh?

Still ignoring you.
So, Miss Benvenuti,

how much are you asking
for the duplex?

Alice?

Cool.

Yo, Norton?

[ Ed ]Yeah?Let's go, Mets!

[ Man Announcing ]
Bottom of the ninth inning--

[ Ralph ] This is killing me!I'm telling you, Ralph,

the Mets is gonna do their
thing. Don't worry about it.

But Cameron can't
strike out this time, man.

I know.[ Ralph ] What is he doin'?

Yeah, right, I know.
It's crazy.

The guy hit good.
You know what I'm sayin'?

Ed, the most amazing
thing happened today.
You have to listen--

Baby, we don't bother you guys
when you're watchin' your
stories. Let us watch the game.

But we got great news though!

Not now, baby, okay?
This is the last inning.

Shh!You have money on this game?

Uh, no.
Look, I am a businessman, okay?

Not a gambler.[ Ed ] Come on, Mets!

You guys remember
Miss Benvenuti from the diner?

Well, she's selling her duplex.Mm-hmm. It's a huge duplex.

All we have to do
is come up with $20,000
for the down payment.

But she's only
giving us two weeks.

2-1 pitch. Cameron grounds it.

[ Shouting, Indistinct ]Just listen, just listen!

Come on. Between the four of us,
we already have half of it.

They've got $5,000 saved,
and we've got $5,300, right?

Something like that,
give or take.

He's got a full count, man.

What are they trying to do,
kill me right now?

Wait. What do you mean,
"give or take," Ralph?

You didn't take any money
out of our savings account,
did you?

I don't know what
she's talking about.

I know you know.Look, look,

maybe I went into our accounts,
and maybe I took some money.

But then again,
maybesomeone has
a birthday comin' up...

and I'm just tryin'
to surprise her.

My birthday's in
eight months, Ralph.

Okay. Maybe I got
the dates mixed up.
She know who the boss is.

[ TV: Indistinct ]

I know who the boss is.Here they go, man.

Make me some money, baby!
This it right here!

Yeah!For the marbles!

3-2 pitch, Cameron swings!Go!

And sends it deep to left!He got ahold of it!

[ Ralph ] It's goin' deep![ Announcer ] It's outta here!

[ Squealing ]

Yeah! Yeah, the Mets!

Whoo![ Thuds ]

[ Trixie ]
My baby! You know
we don't have no insurance!

[ Ralph ]
Oh, he's fine. Norton, get up!

The Mets!Mets!

[ Alice ]
The Mets did it! They won!

What'd I tell ya?

What'd I tell ya?
The Mets! What'd I tell ya?

I'm gonna show you what's in
these boxes. You wanna see?
I wanna see.

There's money
in these boxes, baby.
Money, money, money.

Money for anything you want.
Money for the house.
Money for anything!

You gotta be fast on your feet
to make it in this world.

Yeah, I feel ya.When I'm the first one to hit

the streets with this stuff--Yeah.

I'm gonna make a fortune.What stuff, Ed?

Mets stuff.
Official merchandise.

Ralph met a guy on the bus
who gave him a godfather deal.

Yeah, that's right.
Godfather deal.

Yeah. Ka-boom!

Uhh-- Is--

Huh. Never seen a Met fan
wear one of those.

No, that's a throwback.

No, it's gotta be in the other
box. That's what's wrong.

No, we don't play.Yeah, this for the pay-- Just--

[ Ed ] Yeah, it's this box.They just made a mistake.

Yeah, yeah.
It's all good.

There it is.
Get ready, ladies.

Yeah. Yeah, just
to carry us over.

You'll soon see.
Here we go.

There they are.
Boo!

Ralph, why?
You had to know better.

This would've been big money,
baby. I mean, I was investing
in your future.

Really? Like the time
you invested $900
to market the, uh--

Ooh! The Pet Cactus.

Hey! Couple of kids
get poked in the eye,
and get corneal colitis,

and ruin it for everybody?Yeah.

That's not my fault.

Oh! My personal favorite:
the velour fanny pack.

That's a man-purse, and I was
this close to getting Al Roker
to wear one on the Today Show.

Wasn't I?He sure was. He was this close.

I was with him the day--You're not helping.

Listen, Alice.
We'll get the money
for the house somehow.

No, we won't. [ Chuckles ]

It's always gonna be like this,
Trix--

living paycheck to paycheck,
hand to mouth,

never having anything
to call our own.

But, hey, it's cool, right?

'Cause most people in the world
live like this. Right?

Just didn't think
it'd be so hard.

Alice. Alice, come on.

[ Door Slams ]

I know from the outside
lookin' in it seems as though
I have a perfect relationship.

But the truth of the matter is,
is that Alice and I
don't always get along.

Wow, I never noticed that!
Ooh! Look. Man, she's mad,
but she'll get over it.

She wasn't mad.
Mad you do get over.

Mad I can handle. I know how to
deal with mad. But the look she
had on her face, it was like--

She was disappointed in me,
you know? Like she didn't
believe in me anymore.

I don't now.
If that's the case, then how
do you come back from that?

Show her that you're sorry.
Buy her ass somethin'.

With what? I'm broke!

Look. Check this out.
I know a dude right now
selling Cadillac wheels.

I'm talkin' about spinners,
the gold ones.

We ain't got no damn car.

I also know a dude
that sell hearing aids.

Norton![ People Shouting, Chattering ]

Look, it's gettin' crazy
out here, okay?

Come on.
Let's go shoot some pool.

That's why I never like
to brainstorm around you.
You're very critical.

♪♪ [ Hip-hop ]

Wait a second.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Why do you get to break?

I'll tell you why
I get to break.
Because you broke last time.

No, no, no. Youbroke last time.What? Fine.

We'll flip for it.
Here, you call.

I wanna flip.Okay, flip.

Okay, I'm gonna flip it.Flip, Ed. Heads.

No, I wanted heads.Well, tails then!

I wanted tails too. I got
a big appetite for tails too.

Just break!All right! I'm gonna do it!

You are the most
ridiculous man I've ever met.

Maybe so, but I'm breakin'.

[ Man ]
♪ How do, sexy ♪

♪ Oh ♪[ Blows Raspberry ]

♪♪ [ Man Rapping, Indistinct ]

Would you just shoot?

[ Thudding ]That's on you, Ralph!

Oh, no, you don't, Norton.

Hey! Oh, it's on, baby!

Ralphie!Norton!

[ Grunting ]

[ Both Shouting ]

I can't-- Where's my other hand?
I can't find my other hand!

It's right there. It's there.
Right there. Hold up.

Ralph? Hey, Ralph? Ralph?How you gonna throw Kramden out?

[ Electronic Beeping ]Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What you doing? I wasn't
about to go back in.
What's wrong with you?

No time to play.
We got a major backup
in the sewer system.

How come every time a toilet
clogs in this town they call
you?

I'm a specialist.

It's like being
a brain surgeon or Spider-Man.

[ Snorts ] Spider-Man!
Spider-Man wouldn't have got us

beat down and thrown out
of no pool hall!

[ Knocking ]Come in, Trix.

♪♪ [ Women Singing,
Indistinct ]

What do you have on?

Don't act like you don't
recognize my Ralph gear.

I got my loud-ass,
lime-green T-shirt that
should've made us millionaires,

my 1987 leopard-print
fanny pack, complete inside
with the baby Pet Cactus,

case a brother wanna get
rowdy on the train, 'cause
you know how they can act up--

and to top it off--

[ Sighs ]
the rainbrella Kangol.

[ Laughs ]

I'll wear it 24-7, 'cause
rain ain't got no schedule.

It's kind of sexy.
Go on, Alice. You gotta admit.
Your man is tryin'.

Yeah. Yeah.

[ Grunting ]

[ Creaking ]

[ Men Cheering ]

This is what I do! All right?
Huh! No, you're right.
Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, yeah!
Yeah, bring the man!

Come on, Ralph. I know I smell
a little stinky, but come on.
Give your man some love.

I'm-I'm-I'm cool on the love,
thank you.

Can we go?It's this way.

Come on, Ralph.
I got something to show you.
This is the scenic route.

We're lost, aren't we?

Ralph, if you lay it out
end to end,

the New York City
sewer system'll stretch
about 6,600 miles--

a city beneath the city--
and I got it all right here.
[ Scoffs ]

[ Groans ]

It's just around here,
Ralph.

Check this out.
It's gonna be worth it.

[ Whirring ]

Whoa!

[ Ralph Whistles ]

City beneath the city.

Whoo, damn!
Mahogany paneling,

velvet curtains.[ Bell Clangs ]

This is bad.What'd I tell you?

We find these
down here from time to time.

Owned by some rich white dude
before flying got popular,
Ralph. Solid brass.

Can you imagine that?
Rich enough to own
your own train.

Well, someone's going to.
The city's auctioning it off.
I don't know what for though.

Who would want to own
their own train car?

Norton.

What is it, Ralph?This is it.

What's it?We buy the train.

We put an engine on it,
slap some wheels on it,
maybe a new paint job.

I can get Alice to decorate.
And we'll give tours
of New York City.

"I'm Ralph Kramden,
and welcome to New York
and all the five boroughs."

You know what, Ralph?
Those tours make
a lot of money too, man.

This is why you need me
to do the thinking.

Yeah.Sometimes you gotta take

the long view.Yeah.

Okay, so, we won't be able
to get the girls some
little duplex now.

Right.But soon--

Yeah?we can buy 'em a palace.

Ahh![ Laughing ]

Pow, pow!
Yeah, man, this is it!

[ Man Calling Auction,
Indistinct ]

Oh, yeah.
This is the place where
it's gonna go down.

Hey, I got another
riddle for you, Ralph.

Norton, not now, okay?
I'm assessing the room.

Look, look, look.
12:00, right there.

It's a fellow entrepreneur.
I know one when I see him.
He's looking at our train.

We don't have the cash
to get into a bidding war.

investment guru Bart Roberts,

"If you know you
can't compete, you may
have to practice deceit."

Now, that there
is a very fine train.

Ralph Kramden.Hitako Kawakami.

Oh. Well, thank you,
Mr. "Hikato Kamakwami."

Uh, here we go.
This is, uh, me right here.

"Ralph Kramden...
International"?

Well, for now.
But we are expanding
to a more global approach.

Ahh.
[ Whistles ]

Man, they must have dug
in the archives
for this old picture.

What do you mean?

This picture here
doesn't look anything like
the train they're selling.

Uh, no.

You've seen it?
Have I seen--

Of course I've seen it.
It's right out the door.

Come with me
and I'll show you the train.

[ Auctioneer Continues,
Indistinct ]

Sold! 230, lucky lady
in the back.

Next up--It's back and to the left.

an off-site item,
a Pullman train car.

Train car?

Let's start the bidding
at $1,000.

One thousand dollars.[ Kawakami ] I want to bid!

Do I hear two?Two thousand!

Ralph!Two thousand!

Two thousand from the guy
over by the door.

Norton, stop!Twenty-five hundred.

Twenty-five hundred. It's
going in the right direction.

No, no.

[ Kawakami ]
Three thousand!

Three thousand!Get him out!

Thirty-five hundred going--
going--

Look!
I'm bidding over here!

Once, twice, three times!
The train is mine!

Sold![ Whispers ] Thank you.

[ Ed Grunts ]

[ Grunts ]

I wish you would.
I'm a purple belt.

Ow.

♪ America, America ♪

You're so good, Trix.
Why didn't you ever
become a singer?

I know I should've,
but I have acid reflux.
You know that.

Uh-oh.
It's the competition.

Hi, Alice.
Hi, Alice's friend.

My name is Trixie,
and I don't like you.

Oh, stop, please.
We got off to a bad start.

I'd like to make amends.It's about time somebody does.

You want to live in
the Benvenuti place,
and I want to own it.

We can all get what we want.Should I cut him?

I'm developing
15 affordable units
on that property.

I'll save a big, fat sunny
corner unit for each of you.
I'm a fun landlord.

Fifteen units
on that little lot? That...
doesn't make a lot of sense.

I'm developing
the whole block,

but I need her property
to close the deal.

I think he's crazy, Alice.
Look at him.

Forget it. We don't do crazy.

Mm-hmm!

[ Clanking ]

How's it lookin', Lenny?It's not bad.

I have four or five old engines
back at the bus yard,
drive shaft, wheels.

I can turn this into
a first-rate tour bus!

What'd I tell ya?
What'd I tell ya?
Ah!

Lenny, the best mechanic
in the whole M.T.A.!

He said it. How much, Lenny?For Ralph,

whatever it costs for
parts. I get most of them for
free, if you know what I mean.

[ All Laughing ]

We're gonna be rich!
We're gonna be rich!

Norton, what'd I tell you?You said it.

You're gonna be rich.
Lenny, I'm gonna
let you in on it too.

Hey, Ralph.
I got one question for you.

How you gonna get
this thing outta here?

Lenny, it's a train. Okay?
We're just gonna roll it out.

Yeah, we're gonna
roll it out.

How you gonna do that
when all you have is,
uh, 20 feet of track?

Uh-- You don't need--

You don't need track
to roll a train out, do you?

We're 60 feet below street
level. It's gonna cost you
a fortune to move that train.

Well, Ralph,

it look like
you Gladys Knight
without the Pips.

What are you
doin' out so late,
Miss Celestine?

I could ask you
the same question.

Well, it looks like I'm gonna
be doin' a lot of double shifts
from now on.

Oh, really?
And what's your poison?

Gambling?
Drink? Ho's?

Oh, no.
No, no, none of that.

Just... worked myself into
a jam trying to get along
a little better.

Aren't we all?

♪♪ [ Funk ]

[ Man ]
♪ Some people got to have it
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Some people really need it
Huh, listen to me, y'all♪

♪ Do things, do things
do things
Bad things with it ♪♪

Man, I worked
four double shifts
this week.

Damn, Ralph. We need
to pimp some midgets.
You know what I mean?

Yeah, tell me about it.[ Clattering ]

What was that?I don't know, man.

Sound like a big rat
or somethin'.
Come on. Let's go.

Norton, what are you doin',
man?

Get away from the dump.[ Whimpering ]

That's a dog. Oh, man, why would
somebody do this to a dog?

Ralph, gimme some help.

What? No, I'm not comin'
in no Dumpster.

Ralph, gimme some help.

[ Rumbling ]

Oh, come out!
Pull him out!

[ Grunts ]

[ Whimpering ]

Oh, wow.Look at him, Ralph.

I'm gonna clean him up,
put him a nice little
collar on him,

some rhinestones, call him--

[ Gravelly Voice ] Iggy!Iggy?

Iggy's a perfect name
for a dog in the hood.

Come on. Don't get
so excited. All right?
We're not keepin' the dog.

Besides, the super'll never
let us have him in the building.

I ain't got time
for a dog anyway, Ralph.

The dog is not coming with us.
Let's go.

[ Whining ]

Don't worry about it, Iggy.
You comin' home with us, baby.

[ Iggy Barking ]

Oh, boy.Mmm.

There's some leftovers
in the kitchen.

Oh, it's okay, baby.

I ate already with Norton.
Sorry to wake you.

Oh, you didn't wake me.
I couldn't sleep.

I keep hearing barking.

I think somebody snuck a dog
in the building or something.

Oh, I'm sure you're
just imagining things.

[ Barking Continues ]

Ooh! These double shifts
are killin' me.

Baby?Yeah?

That house means the world
to me, and I'm not gonna
lose it without a fight.

I mean, if we can't get
the money by next Monday,

Mrs. B's gonna be forced to
sell it to that idiot developer
William Davis.

And, well, uh--

I'm gonna ask
my mama for the money.

What? Your mama don't have
that kind of money.

It's $10,000.

That's all we need, right?Well, sure.

[ Muttering ]
That's if I hadn't spent
the rest of it on the train.

Huh?

Just kind of addin' it up
in my brain.

Um-- Mmm--

Baby, you really should go by
and see the house. I mean,
Norton's already seen it.

Well, yeah. Yeah.
I'll get by there.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Thank you.

[ Iggy Barking ]

I talked to some guys
about getting the train
out of the sewer.

How much?You don't wanna know.

We gotta get ahold
of some cash-- today.

[ Chattering ][ Man ] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at that, man.Rent money. Rent money.

♪♪ [ Dance Beat ]

♪ Universal b-boy, lookin'
for the perfect beat ♪

♪ Beat, beat, beat, beat ♪

♪ Lookin' for the perfect
beat, searchin' for
the perfect beat ♪

♪ Lookin' for the perfect
beat, seekin' for
the perfect beat ♪

♪ I must get mine ♪
♪ About to get it ♪

Sorry to disturb you
at this time, ma'am.

My name is Ed.And I'm Ralph.

What a lovely home you have.

Help us.
We can't see a thing.

Billy. What's up?
It's Ralph Kramden.

How you doin'? Vacation--
Okay. It's "William" now.

Remember when
I loaned you six dollars?
You got that?

♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]

The Brooklyn Youth Program is
a program to keep young little
brothers like ourselves...

off the street
for stealin' hubcaps...

and breakin' in your house
while you're not at home.

Yes.

♪♪ [ Continues ]
[ Beeping ]

♪ Lookin' for
the perfect beat ♪

♪ Lookin' for
the perfect beat ♪

Jenny Lincoln,
you remember we
went on a date,

and it was supposed
to be Dutch, but I paid?

[ Ralph ]
Two blind men and a dog.

That's a nice
little sweater there.

Yeah. Hey. Mmm.

♪ This is what you gotta do ♪
♪ This is what
you gotta do ♪

♪ This is one thing
you must do ♪
♪ Beat this ♪

♪ Beat this ♪

♪ Beat this ♪

[ Chattering ]

Throw a dog a bone!
Throw a dog--

Wait a minute. I want some
money. Now, wait a minute.
Gimme five dollars, man.

♪ Lookin' for the perfect beat And it will help you
beat your feet ♪

♪ Keep dancin'
to our perfect beat ♪

♪ And it will help you-- ♪♪[ Clamoring ]

[ Iggy Barking ]

Aaah! Oh!

Get off of--

Ed, you've gotta do
something about this dog.

I told you,
I'm watchin' him for a friend.

Here, boy. Go get it!

[ Barking ]Things go right with this house,

we can get a dog
for the yard.

And name him Patches?Or Iggy!

Iggy?

[ Woman ]
♪ Baby, if you only knew ♪

I mean, man,
have you seen the house?

Wow! It's got a backyard
for Iggy and everything.

Yeah, man, so, uh,
Alice invited her mother
over for dinner.

Her mama's comin' o--
I better come over there
with my referee T-shirt on then.

She plans on askin' her
for the money for the house.

Wait a minute.
You didn't told Alice
about the train money?

Oh, no. Ooh.
It's been my experience
that too much honesty...

can ruin a good relationship.Yeah.

Look at 'em over there.
What do you think
they're talkin' about?

Us. Bad weaves. Fake
Louis Vuitton purses. I mean,
what do they always talk about?

Let's say the conforming
interest rate is 6.5 percent
at one and a half points.

Does that leave us room
for a two-one buy-down?

I don't think you'd wanna do
that in the first three years,
but we could run the numbers.

What do you think
they're talking about?

You know how men are-- They'd
like us to believe

they're over there
talking about religion...

or politics or
economic injustice.

You know all they
really care about is--

Beyoncé is more peach-shaped.

Like the way Chaka Khan used
to be back in the day.

Oh, Chaka Khan used to be built
like a bleach bottle
back in the day.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah.Hey, Iggy.

Uh, uh, uh.

Go![ Barking ]

Damn, that dog can run.Oh, yeah. You better believe it.

Norton, that's it.
We race Iggy.

[ Bell Ringing ]

How many years did you guys
say you've been racing
greyhounds?

Six.
Oh, eleven. Uh--

Eleven years, but six times--

Those are dog years.[ Ed ] Right. right.

Five or 10 years.
He got into it first.

Yeah, actually, I brought him
into the business.

Right.Actually, we are brothers.

Cousins.Different moms.

Well, my father used to train
neglected Chihuahuas.

Gentlemen, it really
doesn't matter.

What I do wanna know is,
how it is you've been
racing greyhound champions...

for six to 11 years,
and I never heard of you.

Well, actually,
I can explain that.
You know, actually, we've--

The past few years
we've been racing
exclusively in Argentina.

Yeah, you might have
seen us on Telemundo.

No, I didn't.
I didn't know they
raced dogs in Argentina.

Yeah, ever since
the shah took over,
you know--

The shah of Argentina?

Look, Mr. Kirby, we got a dog
here who's itchin' to run.
How about this weekend?

This weekend is the track's
anniversary derby.

Oh, good. Sign us up.

Gentlemen, gentlemen.
That's a $20,000 stakes race.

$20,000-- American dollars?

What he is saying is that
we don't normally race
for such low stakes.

No, we don't.But we'll make an exception.

Oh, hell, yeah.
We will make an exception.

Stop!

Well, kennel sickness has
hit us pretty hard this week.

Uh, it's a very extensive
screening process.

Who's his sire?What's a sire?

His dam?His damn what?

His lineage?

Are you talking
about his tailor?

No, he don't wear clothes.He's got a 10-inch inseam.

[ Laughs ]Mr. Kirby, look. We got a dog.

He's ready to run.
You've had some scratches.

All we want is a chance.That's it.

[ Bell Ringing ]All right.

All right, I'm gonna give him
a time trial tomorrow.
If he qualifies, he runs.

Oh! That's what I'm sayin'.Who's his trainer?

Oh, he don't need no trainer.

He don't need no trainer.
He's housebroken.

He needs a trainer.

Get Dodge.
He's the guy for you.

[ Sucking ]

[ Gagging, Coughing ]

You Dodge?

Hell, no.
You got the wrong sucker.

Why? Why? Who's askin'?We're lookin' for a trainer.

Well, why didn't you
say so, man? What, are
you socially retarded?

What's up?
My name is Dodge.
Hey, what's up?

Okay. Who? Mr. Kirby sent you?Yeah.

Oh, that's cool, 'cause
I'm a canine behaviorist.

I train, board
and breed greyhounds.

I specialize in temperamentally
unsound, psychologically
unstable, genetical throwbacks.

I do not pick up excreta.
And I run my facilities
right out of this place.

Says here you sell time-shares
in the Poconos.

What? Let me see that.
Oh, yeah.

My bad, man.
Wrong card, man.

"Importifications,"
underage mail-order brides,

S and M fashion consultant--

You know what?
We don't need cards.
We don't need cards.

We're dog people.
We got a-- a bond,
a fellowship.

Hey, look at the dog.
Look at him.

He seems really bright, alert.
What's his name?

That's Iggy.I'm Ralph, and this is Ed.

Hey, Ralph, Ed--
You carry your dog around
on a rope?

You siphon gas out of a car.
What's your point, man?

What? What you think-- That?Yeah.

You think I'm stealing?
Man, that's my friend's car.

Come on.
We prank each other
all the time, you know?

I siphon gas out of his car,
he siphons out of my car.
Yada yada, blasie, blasie.

Hey, tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna train your dog
for $500-- cash.

[ Exhales ] I don't know.Hey, you know what?

I'll let you think about it.
All right? Give you a moment.
Don't worry. No pressure.

I don't know, Ed.
Does this guy look
like a dog trainer to you?

What does a dog trainer
look like? I don't know.

But Kirby said--Yeah-- Yeah, Kirby--

He said Dodge, right?That's what Kirby said.

Okay. All right. We'll do it.
We'll do it.

All right. Good decision, man.Five hundred, cash.

Let's see, baby.
Let me check.

Hey! Hey, nice man-purse.

You mean this fanny pack thing?
I got this off a homeless guy
in the park for a quarter.

See, some sucker made,
like, a thousand of these.

Yeah, what are we
gonna do about the trainin'?

It's like this.
Let me break it down
for you, okay?

We're a partnership now.
A ménage a trois.

You put in the capital,
I put in the experience.

At the end, you get
the experience, I keep
the capital. Is that cool?

Great. Great.

The thing is,
I like to work at night,
if you don't mind.

During the day
it's just too crowded.

You know, too many people.
Too many dogs.

So let's say we meet
out back over there
about 9:00 sharp.

Okay. 9:00? 9:00.

Remember, there are
no bad dogs. Only bad owners.

All right? Remember that.
I gotta bounce.

[ Knocking ]

Hi, Mom.

Somewhere around
the third flight of stairs,

I think I caught T.B.

[ Sighs ] Here.Oh, a pie.

Oh, and box of wine.
That is so nice.

Don't get too excited. I'm
taking back what we don't drink.

[ Laughs ]

Just have a seat
on the couch and relax,

and I'll just
pop a hole in the top
and bring you a glass.

Table setting for three--
Does that mean
he's gonna be here?

He lives here.[ Scoffs ] Not for long--

If Jesus would quit making
movies and answer the prayers
of a righteous woman.

[ Man ]
♪ Seconds of pleasure ♪

♪ Life's little treasures ♪

♪ Baby
Seconds of pleasure ♪♪

Hey, sweet pea.[ Screams ]

[ Both Screaming ]

Hell, no! No, no!

What happened?

You married a damn pervert,
that's what happened.

Look, it was just
a big misunderstanding.

Next you'll probably say
you thought I was Alice.

Of course I thought
you were Alice.

Aha! That's exactly
what a pervert would say.

Woman, one day you are gonna
push me too far.

[ Laughs ]
The only thing that could
push you is a bulldozer.

M-Mom? Mom? How about you go
wash up for dinner?

'Cause everything
is under control here.

And, um, I'll just deal
with my little pervert here.

[ Scoffs ][ Growls ]

[ Growls ]

What is she doin' here?

I'm asking my mother
for the money
for the house tonight.

Tonight?
Yes.

No, no, no, no. Not tonight.
Tonight--

You can't because, uh,

Norton and I have
to go to the lodge.

The lodge?

What are you, Fred Flintstone
all of a sudden? The lodge?

Look, I-- Woman,
I got somewhere to be.

That's all you need to know,
and that'sit.

I refuse to lose this house over
another one of your half-assed
schemes, Ralph Kramden.

Half-assed scheme?Mm-hmm.

Let me tell you something.

This country was built
on half-assed schemes.

I'm talkin' about
real inventive stuff here.

Like the guy who came up
with the thong, okay?

He was short on material,
and he used what he had.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

I'm asking my mother
for the money
for the house tonight,

and I expect you to be
on your very best behavior.

Look--Ralph... Kramden.

Your very best behavior.

[ Door Opens ]

Well. So far
everything's edible.

[ Laughs ][ Chuckling ]

Uh, how about
I get the entrées?

Oh-- "Entrées."
You going to France for those?

Just one good swing.

What are you doin'?

Trixie's coming home.
I couldn't let her see Iggy.

You can't leave him here.
Alice's mama is over for dinner.

She's in there right now,
asking for house money.

So if Alice get the checks
and she tries to deposit--

Yes.

I know. She's gonna know
the account is empty.

That's why this meal
can't go well.

How you gonna do that?

I know you're probably in there
eatin' all our dinners.

Just don't make the same
mistake you made last time.

When you hit plate, stop.

[ Laughing ]

Oh-- Oh, you goin'
straight to hell
for this one.

Mother Gibson,
that's free-range chicken.

What a chicken does
on his free time
is no nevermind to me.

Oh, this is way
too much food for me.
I'm on a diet.

Oh, here. Take my plate.

I don't have that much.Oh, thank you, baby.

You know, I wanted
your mother to have
the white meat.

Oh, no. I'm perfectly happy
with the dark.

Well, give me
the white meat then.

No, it's fine.

Give me the plate,
woman!

Mama?

Mmm. Mm, mm, mm.

The chicken is delicious.

Ralph, eat.

Yeah. I've never seen you
turn down food before.

So, what do you want, Alice?You know what?

I thought we'd
wait till after dinner
to talk about that.

[ Coughs ]

I thought you'd marry
a lawyer.

Apparently we both
thought wrong.

[ Coughing ]Oh, let me guess.

You need money?We wanna buy a house.

It's a duplex, actually--
With Ed and Trixie.

Well, you know, truth be told,

buyin' a house
is a big investment.

Yeah, that is the truth.
That is the truth,
and it hurts.

You know?
I can see that.

I've never seen you
so torn up about money before.

We are putting in all
of our savings, but we're
still a little short--

About $10,000.[ Gulps ] $10,000?

Who do you think I am,
Weezy Jefferson?
God rest her soul.

Uh--
But it--

It's a beautiful duplex, Mama,
with a backyard and everything.

Right near the diner, even.[ Gasping ]

So what do you think?

I think you should have
married little Larry Fillmore.

I heard he's taking over
the funeral home.

[ Ralph Moans ]

Just... give me some time
to marinate on it.

That's fair enough.[ Coughing ]

Is something wrong
with you?

You know, it's just that we've
been so worried about asking you
for the money for the house,

and, you know,
sharing a meal over it
is just a beautiful thing.

I'm ready for dessert. Anybody?Yeah. Mama brought a pie.

And Mama's goin' go get it.

Your mama's coming
to the kitchen?

Your mama's going
to the kitchen!

Tell the truth.

You're on the pipe,
aren't you, boy?

[ Sighs ]

Oh, there it is--
My famous apple,
crumble, crisp pie.

[ Laughs ]

Oh!
[ Stammering ]

I don't even want to know.
Where do you keep
the paper towels?

Oh, right up under the, uh--

[ Clears Throat ]
We don't, uh, have any.

We-- You know,
I don't believe in that,

with the rain forest,
and everything.

You know, there's something
really, really wrong with you.

Where's the dog?He's right there.

[ Growling ][ Sputtering ]

[ Whines ]Look, we gotta go right now.

They said if we don't
get there by 9:00
we can't even race.

Well, they're not
gonna let me leave right now.

Ralph, what are you doing?
Come join us for dessert.

Okay, babe.
I'll be in in just a second.
The pilot light went out.

He's fixing the pilot.
He's handy.

How do we get out of here?

Fire escape.
Oh, hell, no.

Boy, you comin' in here or not?
My pie is gettin' stale.

I got another riddle
for you.

What's lighter than a feather,
but yet the strongest man
can't hold it very long? Huh?

Not now, Norton, okay?
I'm trying not to break
my neck up here.

Come on, Ralph.
What's lighter than a feather--

Your breath.Wow. You're a genius.

[ Alice ]Ralph?Almost got it, babe.

I'll be right there.

Now, you sure
this thing can
hold us?

We come down this
all the time, Ralph.

[ Creaking ]
Oh, man.

Norton, you know
I hate heights.

Come on, Ralph.
You could do it.

Just chill, man.
I'll help you.

[ Stairs Creaking ]I can't, man.

I ain't gonna be able
to do this, man.

Ralph, you're gonna
get us busted.

Go slow.[ Groans ]

Hold on, Ralph.
Come on, Ralph.

What's the noise, man?Come on. Come on.

I think I'm--
I'm cool, right? I'm good.

See, Ralph? It ain't that bad.[ Clattering ]

Oh, geez.

[ Whimpering ]

You see anything?[ Alice ] No.

Now, where'd that
crazy husband of yours
run off to?

Uh, you know, Mom, I think
he said something about
a meeting at the lodge tonight.

[ Groans ]
Shh. Shh.

Oh, well.
That's more dessert
for us.

[ Ed Whimpering ]

Ralph, I gotta confess
something to you.

[ Groans ]

Just-- Man, just hold on.We're gonna die.

I gotta get my life right
with the Lord.

One day I was comin' down
there to get some milk from
y'all on the fire escape,

and I seen Alice naked.

I ain't lyin'.

And sometimes
I think about it.

You--[ Both Yelling ]

Huh?

[ Both Whimpering ]

Ah![ Chain Clanks ]

[ Dodge ]
I forgot my keys.

[ Ralph ]
Yeah, right.

Hey,
I'm not gonna lie to you, man.

I'm having problems, okay?
My wife left me.

All right, technically
she's notmywife,
she's somebody else's.

But the pain
lingers all the same,
you know what I mean?

[ Police Chatter On Radio ]Duck! Duck!

What you mean, "duck"?
What's goin' on?

It's okay. It's okay.
No problem. He didn't see us.

Are we breakin' in here?

We're not breakin' in.
Why you profilin'?
Why you profilin' me?

It's a competitive business.
I don't want other trainers
to steal my secrets.

Okay, fellas, dog racing
is about show business,
and the show counts.

And it starts the minute
you walk your dog
onto the battlefield.

And this is the walk.

Brisk, brisk, brisk,
brisk, brisk, brisk.

Arms down. Arms down.
Arms down.

Confidence.
Don't be arrogant.
Don't be arrogant.

It's not a tug-of-war.
It's not a tug-of-war.

[ Groans ]Watch out. Watch out.

Get the dog. Get the dog.
Get the dog.

There you go.
Good boy.

He's great, man.
Sixty-five pounds,
less than four percent body fat.

All muscles. Yeah.

You know, I had
a French aerobics teacher.

Leslie was her name.
Just like that.
Really flexible.

Except not enough soft places.
You know what I'm sayin'?

Right?
[ Snickering ]

[ Whines ]

Okay,
for Iggy to be competitive,

he's gotta run
at least a 32.30.

This is the moment
of truth, fellas.
Ralph, Eddie, you ready?

Three, two, one.

[ Groans ]All right, fellas.

We run into
a couple problems.
Nothing minor.

I gotta train his mind.

That's it, Iggy.
Relax. Relax.
That's it.

Good boy. Breathe.

[ Inhales, Exhales ]

Breathe. That's it.
Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff.

[ Imitating Iggy ]

[ Howls ]

You know, my parents
find it really difficult...

to explain to people
what I do for a living.

Hmm.

Iggy, you are one
of the most ancient
canine breeds.

The pharaoh's favorite.
The Greek king's son.

You're a born winner.
A born winner, boy.
Live up to it.

[ Grunts ]Uh, I don't know. I don't know.

[ With Thick Accent ]
Listen to me, pooch.
Okay? I'm talking to you.

Nobody quits
on Tony Montana,
you hear me?

[ Whines ]You're a dog. It's a racetrack.

You can win this thing.

Hey, baby, listen to me.

I'm not who you think I am.
I'm not the best trainer
in the world.

I started out with nothing,
and I've still got most
of it left.

They wanted me to get you
pregnant by a pit bull.

Iggy, Iggy--
Look at me when
I'm talkin' to you!

Your dogs would have had
little bodies with big heads,

and just walkin'
down the street like this.

You coulda been a contender,
but instead, you're a bum!

You win that race,
you get the power,
and then you get the bitches.

[ Growls ]Oh, yes. So many bitches.

All right, fellas.
The dog's a straight-up dud.

[ Stammering ]

What do you mean,
the dog's a dud?

You're a trainer.
Train the dog.
I've seen this dog move.

I've seen him move too.
You'rea dud.
Iggy?

Were you-- Were you drinkin'
at the time?
When you saw him move?

[ Whining ]Iggy, it's not that hard.

Watch this.

Let me think about it.
Let me just think.

[ Beeps ]I got it. I got it.

Why don't we
Nancy Kerrigan
the other dogs?

You mean hit the dogs
in the knee?

All right. That's a little
too aggressive for you?

Don't worry about it.Vitamins?

Little stronger than that.
Works for me.

Nobody needs to know.
They don't screen dogs.

They don't?
No. No.

Nobody needs to know.
Just you and me.

[ Watch Beeps ]What'd you get?

That was fast.
Hey, nice lap, Norton.

[ Sighs ]

[ Whines ]Eddie--

Eddie, what do you think?

I don't know how
we gonna get this dog to run.

[ Whining ]

[ Ball Squeaking ]

[ Whines ]

Check that out.[ Growling ]

Hey, boss. Psst, psst.
Check that out.

You're impressed with it,
ain't you?

He's in.

All right!Yeah!

Assuming you have
all the proper paperwork.

You bring it
to the owners' party,
here tomorrow night.

Not a problem, Mr. Kirby.
We'll have that paperwork
for you.

We'll definitely have
the paperwork tomorrow.
What paperwork?

It's the dog's
paperwork documenting
authenticity of line,

license to race,
proof of insurance,

membership in
the Greyhound Association
of Amer--

Oh, wow.
All the things you ain't got.

'Cause you know why?
It's a three-week hold

on the license alone, man.Dang.

'Cause you're my friends
I'll expedite it for $600.

I'll get it to you by tomorrow.Six hundred dollars?

No, no. No way, man. You already
charged us

for the kennel, the dog leash--
$60 for puppy chow.

That was Pedigree
Puppy Chow, man.

Come on.I got overhead. All right, $300.

Excuse me.Are you the health inspector?

Uh, look. Uh, nice and clean.
Spotless.

No, no, no.
I need to speak
to Alice Kramden, please.

Oh. Alice is busy.Excuse me?

Do you know who I am?

Uh-- Uh, no. No.
You know who I am?

I was born
in a one-bedroom farmhouse...

with five brothers--
who I raised.

I was born in China 80 years ago
in a Chinese rice field.

I served my country
in Vietnam...

where I was
a Golden Gloves champion
three years running.

Before when I come,
my English not good-looking,
but now I speak perfect.

I raised six kids,
buried two husbands...

and am on the lookout
for number three.

Can I call you next week?What?

Mama, what are you doing here?Oh, hi, baby.

Uh, I just thought I'd, uh,
drop this off in person.

Thank you!
[ Laughing ]
Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Trix, we got the money
for the house.

I can't believe it.

I didn't think
you were gonna do it.

Well, I was skeptical.

But Ralph seemed
so genuinely worried about it,

I figured maybe
he's just comin' around.

Yeah, maybe he is.Thank you, Mama!

You're welcome.

Once this is leveled,
it'll make a nice entry
to the underground parking.

[ Man, Indistinct ][ Davis ] Excuse me.

Here to reconsider
my offer?

I'm actually here
to give Mrs. B some news--
some really good news.

Well, she's not here.

Please share it with me.I'd love to.

We're gonna own this place.
Yeah.

Ed and Trixie upstairs,
and me and Ralph down.

Ralph--Ralph my husband.

Oh.
[ Laughs ]

What's so funny?I'm sorry. It's just, you know--

Come Monday,
you'll be trespassing.

Tell me this.
If there's no money
in her account,

then why is this waitress
hangin' around my property?

[ Man ]
Sir, I told you.
I checked.

They've got
something somewhere.

Find out what the husband
is up to.

Ralph Kramden.

That woman I was
telling you about--
Her name is Marlena.

She's Puerto Rican.

My God.
I've tried to talk to her,
but words won't come.

I could tell you a thing
or two about women. That's
if you're ready to hear it.

It all begins
with letting her know
who's boss.

Very important.

Alice!
What-What are you
doing here?

I just came from the bank.
It's a funny story.
You wanna hear it?

Let her know who's boss, Ralph.Uh--

Uh, look, uh--
I can explain.

Oh, can you?
Can you now?

I tell the bank
I wanna withdraw $4,000,

and they tell me not only
is our account empty--
here's the punch line--

we're overdrawn
by $223.60.

Whoa. The bank said that?
No, no, no.

There's gotta be
a mistake, baby,

'cause I don't know nothin'
about no 60 cents.

Where's the money, Ralph?

Uh, I can explain,
all right?

But, You know,
taken out of context,
it might sound a little crazy.

Try me.

Norton and I found a train
in the sewer, see, and--

I want you out
of the apartment, Ralph.

H-Hold on.
Babe, wait a minute.
Listen. Listen.

Then we got this dog
out of the Dumpster and--

I don't wanna hear it.

I don't wanna hear it.
I'm done.

Come on, baby.
Just 24 more hours.

Okay? Twenty-four more hours,
and then we can get on
to the life...

we've both dreamed of.

And what life is that,
Ralph? Huh?

You've always been
so obsessed with
your own dreams...

that you never even
bothered with mine.

How can you say that?

I want the house
just as much as you do.

Then why haven't you
been by to see it?

'Cause--

I mean--
[ Stammering ]

Because you're selfish,
Ralph Kramden.

And I'm done
playing the fool.

[ Horns Honking ]

[ Man ]
Come on! Move it! All right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whatever.

Go ahead. Be my guest.[ Indistinct ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Beeping ]

Aaah!

[ Dodge ]
Luckily for me, man,
I'm nearsighted,

so I can date
just about anybody, you know?

I understand what you're sayin'.I'm dating this lady--

She's about 40,
40-plus. Whatever.

I don't wanna marry her
for her money, but I don't
know how else to get it.

You know what I'm sayin'?

You know, someday
I'm gonna find
somebody special...

who's not gonna
press charges.

There he is.
Finally.

Hey, keep it close.

[ Ed ]
Ralphie boy.

Ralph, what are you
wearin', man?
This is a "A" list party.

You got "D" list
all over you, man.
Look at me.

I'm wearing
new underwear, even.
They're new to me anyway.

Look, I couldn't change, okay?
Alice kicked me out
the house.

Again?She found out about the money.

Madder than a mug
about the house.

It's serious.Don't worry about it, Ralph.

Tomorrow, when Iggy's
in that winner's circle,
we goin' get paid,

and the money will buy
the girls the house.

Yeah, maybe you're right.
Hey, you got the paperwork
for Kirby?

Yeah, I never disappoint
'cause I'm always
on point, baby.

Well, let's do this, man.Ralph.

They're not gonna let you in
dressed like a thug.

[ Dodge ] Uh-uh.What thug drives a bus?

Besides, where I'm gonna
find a suit at this hour?

[ Clears Throat ]

Man, Ralph, you lookin'
real Temptation-like
in that suit.

I know you ain't trying
to joan lookin' like
the last Blues Brother.

Oh, man, you look great.
You look like
a plucked sunflower.

Girls love flowers, man.

Oh, wow. You know,
I love all your stuff.

I really, really do.

What stuff is she
talkin' about, Ralph?

I have no idea.

You guys are great.
Lookin' forward to it.

What's goin' on here, man?They must know we own Iggy.

I'm tellin' you,
that dog's a winner,
Ralph.

[ Exhales ] Whatever.
Hey, let's find Kirby.

Right, right, right.

[ Laughing ]
You kill me.

Hey, Mr. Kirby.
How are you?

Oh.
[ Clears Throat ]
I'm fine. I'm fine.

Mr. Kramden, uh,
that is quite a suit.

[ Dodge ]
You dig that suit, huh?

It would suit you,
but unfortunately I'm out

of the banana yellow.
I got some pumpkin left.

Pumpkin? You didn't say
nothin' about no pumpkin.

Mr. Kirby, I got the paperwork
for Iggy to be in the race
tomorrow.

Iggy won't be
in the race tomorrow.
He's been scratched.

Scratched? What do you mean,
scratched?
Scratched?

I bribed the top people.
I was on procedure
to get this through. Come on.

I'll be perfectly
honest with you.

You see, my new friend
over there...

has just paid
a good amount of cash...

to keep your dog
out of the race.
Here we go.

Wait a minute. Who is this guy?William Davis.

I don't believe
we've had the pleasure.

No, we haven't had
the pleasure,

'cause if we had been
pleasured, I think we'd
have knowed about it.

Shh. Better if
you don't talk, man.

Davis--

"Davis Properties" Davis?That's right.

That's the one Trixie
was talkin' about.

And you are?

Ralph Kramden.

Oh, yes.

Well, it's just business.
Nothing personal.

How is it just pers--
It's just business?

And since our business
is over,

why don't you stay,
enjoy the buffet
and buy yourselves some drinks?

Mr. Kirby, come on.Boss, boss.

It's me, boss.
Talk to me, baby.

Wha--That was a police move, man.

Let it go. Let it go.What do you mean, let it go?

Just let it go.I'm sittin' up here

lookin' like a rubber ducky, and
you're talkin' about let it go.

Come on. Let's have
a little free punch.

It's on me.
Lighten things up
a little bit.

'Cause I been thinkin'
and thinkin',

and it doesn't look good.[ Stomach Growling ]

Mmm. Doesn't smell good.
That shrimp's got me
with the bubble guts.

Look, Ralph.
Ralph, you can't
be hatin' on Kirby, man.

You can't.
He's a self-made businessman,
just like you and me.

He started out with $5,000,
and now he's $2 million
or $3 million in debt.

You gotta admire that.
I ain't got no taste,
but I gotta admire that.

You know? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Ralph.

But sometimes the world
is cold like that.
It is about money sometimes.

Yeah, it's about money.
Look at Kirby.

He thought for one second
he can get paid with Iggy,

we wouldn't even be
in this situation.

I have been looking
everywhere for you two.
Come on.

What's goin' on?We're late. Come on.

[ Cell Phone Ringing ]Late for what?

Who do you think we are?Come on, Chang.

Everyone knows your yellow suit.What about-- What--

[ Ralph ] Chang?I'm excited to finally meet you.

How many times I told you
not to call this number, huh?

Yeah, why-why you gonna
call the cops?

I was gonna be there.
I'll give you the money
on Friday, right? Mom. Mom.

You were supposed to start
five minutes ago.

Get up there.Huh?

[ Ralph ]
What the--

And remember, you're
getting paid per set.

Okay. Go on.

She said
we was gettin' paid.
Go on ahead.

[ Clears Throat ]

Hey.Huh?

I have an idea.What kind of idea?

Just follow my lead.
It's gonna be great.

Test. Testing.[ Feedback Squeals ]

Oh, yeah. This is great
This is great.

♪♪ [ Chopsticks ]One, two, three--

Oh, yeah. Everybody follow me.[ Crowd Applauds ]

How are you, my man?
Good seeing you.

This is some party,
don't you think?

Beautiful people here
this evening.

Hey, uh, listen--
How many dreamers,
by a show of hands, do we have?

Where are the dreamers?
All the dreamers?

Little around there.
There's some dreamers.

I'm a dreamer.

[ Whispering ]
Hey-- The dog.

[ Whispering ]
Get the dog.

[ Barks ]

[ Pants ]
Right. I got it.
I got it, baby.

Yes. The dog.Got this one.

[ Chuckling ]
Yeah, I--
You almost got me.

Well, I too am a dreamer.

And I had a dream
that my dog would race...

on this beautiful track
tomorrow afternoon,

but that dream just won't happen
because our dog
has been scratched...

due to financial technicalities.

♪♪ [ Minor Chords ]

♪♪ [ Minor-key Arpeggios ]

[ Groans ][ Laughing ]

[ Crowd Murmuring ]

Eddie "Left Hands" Norton,
everybody. Wow.

What a surprise that is.
You don't know the half of it.

But Eddie's beautiful music
only underscores the fact...

that my dog
has been scratched.

[ Crowd Groans ]Scratched on paper.

Not scratched in spirit.[ Together ] Yeah.

And-And this man, Dodge--
This is Dodge, our trainer,
and--

Come-Come on.

This is Dodge and our dog Iggy.[ Crowd Applauds ]

And I know to look at him--
Sure, he looks
a little mangy...

and sickly lookin'
and in need of a bath,

but I tell you,
Iggy's a special dog.

You know, we found Iggy
in a Dumpster.

[ Crowd Groans ]Damn near dead.

Hadn't eaten in days.

But like most underdogs,
Iggy's a survivor--

Like Seabiscuit, Rocky,
Destiny's Child.
All survivors.

You know, I guess
I'm just sayin' this...

to say that,
Mr. Kirby, I don't know why...

you're not letting
our dog race tomorrow,

but he's already a winner
in my book,

and I'll put money
on my Dumpster dog
any day of the week.

[ Together ] Yeah!Any day, Ralph.

So would I!Me too!

[ Mouthing Words ]

You're not buying
any of this crap, are you?

A homeless Dumpster dog.
You're kiddin'.

People are gonna be fallin'
all over themselves
bettin' on him.

Mr. Davis, I'm sorry.If that dog wins, I'm screwed.

That dog will never win.
You see for yourself.

Mr. Kramden?

Iggy-- He's in.

[ Crowd Cheering ]He's in!

Bet on Iggy! Iggy!

Excuse me. Excuse me.
What's going on here?

Who are they?
It's my piano.

[ Crowd Chanting ]
Iggy! Iggy! Iggy! Iggy!

[ Knocking ]

Ralph Kramden, if you think
you can just waltz
back in here...

and everything's gonna be fine,
you have another--

Oh. It's you guys.

And that dog.[ Whines ]

What's going on?Ed's got quite a story.

He wants you to hear it.

He won't be up there.Who?

Dodge. That's who
you're lookin' for, right?

Oh, sure. Exactly.
Dodge. Yeah.

Oh, there he is.
Hey, Dodge.

Dodge!

Hey. Hey, guys, what's up?
How you doin'?

You probably thought
that I was stealin'
his money, right? No.

We're friends.
We do that all the time.
Yeah. Lonnie. Lonnie.

Hey, tag, you're it, man.
See you at the barbecue
next weekend.

Man! Look at you fellas, man.

You look mackin', packin',
"blackadocious."

Your first race--
You know, if Iggy wins
that first heat, man,

we're gonna go for the real
money in the second race,
a'ight? Now go up.

I'm gonna take Iggy.
I want you guys to go up
to the owners' booth.

Go up into the box up there.
Enjoy yourselves.
Don't be nervous.

[ Chattering ]

What are you lookin' for?

I'm just--
Where is that popcorn man?

She's not comin', Norton.

I know you tried.
You my boy.

Yeah.Yeah, man. It's okay.

[ Trixie ]
Should we go down there?

No, no, Trix.
I'm not ready yet.

Are you waiting to see
if he wins?
No.

Waitin' to see
if he loses.

I know it'll kill him.

[ Man On P.A. ]
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's post time...

for our qualifying heat.All right. Let's go, Iggy.

Do it, baby.Let's go, six!

[ Announcer ]
And they're off!

Go, Iggy!Go, go, go!

Do it! Do it!Go ahead. Oh!

Stay inside![ Cheering ]

[ Announcer ]
The results for
the qualifying heat--

In first place, number six,
Iggy--
Yes!

with a time of 31.25.Man, we're gonna get that money.

We on our way, baby!That dog is unbeatable.

Don't worry about it.
That was just the first heat.

The final is a whole
different ball game.

Now, that puts him in the race
for the money, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Only Ralph--

Our future depends
on a dog race.

[ Dodge ]
I didn't.
I didn't sleep with her.

I just loaned her 10 "K"
for plastic surgery.

Now I don't even know
what she looks like.

A'ight, peace.
You know, fellas, he's as ready
as he's ever gonna be now.

Come on, Ig.
We gotta review
our strategy, baby.

Norton, it's a dog.

Ralph, stop hatin'.
I'm trying to get Iggy
to visualize his success.

You get him to visualize
going back to that Dumpster.

That'll give him
something to think about.
[ Laughs ]

[ Clears Throat ]
I'm sorry, guys.

Uh, nerves.

Iggy's got this one
in the bag, Ralph.

I don't know, fellas.

This race is a lot tougher
than you guys think.

Oh, man, there you go hatin'.

Iggy is goin'--
Them other dogs ain't-- Damn!

[ Snarling ]

That ain't a damn dog.
That's a horse.

Welcome to the big time, fellas.
Welcome to the big time.

Come on, Iggy.
If you win that race,
you get this.

What do you think?Let's not jinx 'em.

Let's just see 'em
after the race.

After they win the money?

[ Chuckling ]
Let's hope.

[ Announcer ]
Now the featured race
of the day--

the New Jersey Park Stadium
Anniversary Derby...

for a $20,000 prize purse.Go, Iggy!

When you hear that bell,
run like hell.

Go get 'em, Iggy.

Come on. Do everything
I taught you.
Come on.

[ Bell Ringing ]

[ Announcer ]
And they're off!

Go, Iggy!
Come on, Ig!

Come on, Iggy.
Go, Iggy.

Come on, Iggy!
Get out of there!

Iggy's in trouble.
He's boxed in.

Run, Iggy! Run!

Maybe he needs
his good-luck charm.

Come on, Ig.
Win this race and it's yours!

[ Crowd Groaning ]Oh, no!

Norton-- No!

Ha.

[ Announcer ]
At the finish line,
it's Bahama Mama,

Henry V,
and Pavlov's Dog takes third.

All owners please proceed
to the clubhouse...

for the presentation
of the $20,000 purse.

What were you thinkin',
distractin' him like that?

I was just trying
to encourage him, Ralph.

You encouraged him, all right.

You encouraged him
away from $20,000!

Ralph, stop yellin' at me.
He's gonna think you're
yellin' at him.

I'm not yelling at the dog.
He's just a dumb animal.
What's your excuse?

Ralph.

Ed, you know
we needed this money.

Now Alice will never
take me back--
because of you.

Ralph, calm down.
I thought we were boys, man.

No, no. We're not boys.
We're not friends.

We're notnothin'!
I'm done.

That's the way you feel?That's how I feel.

And stay off my fire escape.

[ Panting ]Come on, Iggy. Come on, y'all.

Alice.

Pet Cactus--

What was I thinkin'?
Shoot.

[ Groans ]

Yeah, yeah.
[ Chuckles ]

"Learn and Succeed."
Yeah, right.

Bart Roberts.

I was a sucker
for ever believin' in you.

Yeah, I won't be
a sucker again though.

Kawakami.

I should have let you
get this train since
you wanted it so bad.

Maybe you still do.

Mmm--

Aaah!
[ Sputtering ]

Don't burn up. Come on.
Don't burn up.

[ Muttering ]

[ Clears Throat ]
Okay.

[ Clears Throat ]

I might be able
to take it off your hands.

Well, uh, the price has
gone up considerably.

I mean, we have to take
into account my time, storage,

um, fees, shipping,
postage, handling--

You know,
a lot of things like that.

What is your price?

25,000.25,000?

Okay, that was too much.
Okay, 20,000.

20,000 will be fine.

I'm gonna need
a check right now.

Hey, Larry.Ralph Kramden.

What's, uh--
What's goin' on?
What, are you in trouble?

Look, man, I gotta get
to Q's Diner by 9:00 a.m.

You go that way, right?Not by 9:00 a.m. Look at it.

It's, like, total gridlock.[ Ringing ]

Hello?

Hey, Q. It's Ralph Kramden--
Alice's husband.

No, no. She's not here.

No, I got the check
for the house.

Please. Health inspector here. Health inspector?

Don't hang up, Q!

I gotta get over there.

Welcome to your new positions
in the New York City
sewer system.

Today you'll join an elite group
of dedicated and dependable
professionals.

You lucky few have survived
a rigorous application
process,

interviews
and psychological profiles.

Actually, Ed, these are
all convicted felons
of violent crimes...

taking part
in a work-release program.

And since there are
no questions--

[ Ralph ]
I got one for you.

Two men are born
five blocks apart.

They've been best friends
for 30 years,

until one of 'em says
some really stupid things
he didn't mean.

How does he get
the other guy to forgive him?

I'm not the one
who's good at riddles.
Remember, Ralph?

Neither am I.What are you talkin' about?

You know that book of riddles
you keep on your coffee table?

[ Sighs ]

I found it, got me a copy
and memorized it.

You mean to tell me--

[ Groans ]

Norton.

Norton, come on.
Norton.

What, Ralph? What? What?

You've always thought
I was the smart one.

And if you ever stopped
thinking that then...

I don't know what
I would be anymore.

You really mean that, Ralph?

Yeah. I'm sorry.

[ Sobs ]
Come on, Ed.

You're makin' me cry.Don't start, man. Will you--

Why do you come down here
and make me cry in front
of all these convicts?

Now, stop it, man.
I mean, I'm trying to
just say what I gotta say.

[ Clears Throat ] Look, hey.Yeah.

Look, man.[ Sniffs ] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what I'm sayin'?Do I have a tear in my eye?

No, you're okay.

Look, this doesn't
change everything.

We still have issues
between each other.

Look, okay. I understand that.

But I got the money
for the house.

You did?I gotta get the check

to the diner before 9:00 a.m.
It's total gridlock up there.

I need someone
who knows the city
beneath the city.

I need a specialist.
I need you, Ed.

[ Brakes Squeal ]I got you.

But I have conditions.

Condition number one.
You gotta start
lettin' me pick stuff.

What are you
talkin' about?

You always get to pick
the restaurants.

You always
get to pick the movies.

That's because
if we let you pick stuff,
nothing would ever get decided.

[ Brakes Squeal ]

Fine! You can pick stuff.

Second up, when we get
around new people,

you have to start
referring to me
as "Edward."

[ Muttering ]

Only you would pick
a shortcut like this.

That's another one.
You gotta stop
makin' fun of me.

I'll admit, the way I do things
is a little unorthodox,
but that's me.

The way you do things
is ridiculous.

Oh, I'm the one
who looks ridiculous?
Yeah.

Aaah!

- That ain't even funny.
- Oh, yes, it is.

We gotta go.
Come on. Let's rock.

Okay, Ralph,
this is the big one.
Hmm?

You gotta promise to me
that you will never
yell at me...

or get mad at me ever,
ever again.

Done.Put it on your family jewels.

Put it on my family--
Oh, fine.

I put it on my family jewels
that I will never get mad
or holler at you again.

Good. 'Cause we're lost.

You--

Family jewels.

So, Edward--Mm-hmm?

How do you suggest
we proceed from here?

Well, there's
two ways we can go.
Either that way or that way.

Why don't we let you pick?

Let me pick? That's my man.
That's what I'm talkin' about.

Which way?

That way.

[ Horn Blows ]

It's this way, Ralph.

This should be it.
Straight up.

Let's hope.

[ Laughs ]

Hey, Norton, this is it.
You're my man, dog.

Aaah!

[ Car Door Shuts ]

[ Car Alarm Chirps ]

Ralph, what are you
waitin' for?

There's an S.U.V.
on the manhole cover.

You're yellin', Ralph.

This way is blocked,
and it's Davis.

Okay, another manhole,
two blocks down.

[ Bell Jingles ][ Indistinct ]

You think we're too late?Not if she hasn't signed yet.

You don't have to read it.

Oh. Glad you two made up.
But Alice isn't here, Ralph.

She didn't want to
stick around and watch that.

Ma'am, don't sign that!

That's no good.That's good.

Miss Benvenuti--Oh, no, no. Don't put that down.

You can't stop
once you've started.
It's-- It's unethical.

I'm Ralph Kramden,
Alice's husband.

Uh, oh, well,
this is, uh-- Well--
Mr. Q?

It's a little wet, isn't it?
It's dirty, but, uh--

I mean, we can blow-dry
it off and do whatever--

But it's for you.

I'll take the check as is.

Okay, everyone, just--

Look, I'll--
I'll give you even more,
all right?

Thank you--You got it.

but I don't think so.

I'd rather have my house
remain a home.

Yeah! Thank you,
Miss Benvenuti.
Thank you.

Thank you.Thank you, Mr. Kramden.

It's a pleasure
doing business with you.

This is business.

It's not personal.

[ Karate Yell ]

Miss Benvenuti,
we'll be calling you.

All right.

[ Vehicle Approaching ]

[ Exhales ]
Ralph--

Just give me a second, okay?

Alice, I've wasted
so much time,

made so many bad choices.

There's only one thing
I've ever done right,

and that's love you.

Baby, let's go home.

You mean the one
we just bought?

How did--
How did you do that?

Norton helped out
a little bit,

but no one deserves this
more than you, Alice.

Baby, you're the greatest.

[ Brakes Squeal ][ Glass Shatters ]

All right, guys, quit
your pissin' and moanin'.

The doghouse
is not that heavy,
and it goes in the back...

facing east
so it gets feng shui,
you got it?

And Mama Gibson,
please don't drop
another box.

I don't got insurance,
okay?

You don't have no manners
either, Mr. Eazy Dodge.

You're gonna get into it
with me, are you?
That's all right.

Ladies, please hurry up.
We're gonna have
a lunch break.

...and make this house
a home. Amen.
Amen.

All right, eat up, everybody.

[ Mrs. Gibson ]
Thank you, sweetheart.

Y'all, here we are--
Finally.

To our own home.

Cheers, y'all.[ Trixie ] Cheers.

[ Chattering ]

Hey, Ralph. Ralph.
I got a surprise
for you. Let go.

Let go. Let go.
Good boy.

I trained Iggy, right?
He's gonna be
your dog servant.

Fetch you a beer,
get you a newspaper
when you want.

Isn't that your train
right there?

Would you look at that?
A million dollars.

Yeah, Ralph.
Isn't that your train?

The one with
the solid brass trim?

Shut up.What? Oh, yo, man. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Ralph, you gonna watch
the game later on?

Solid brass?

Ralph, you said you wasn't
gonna get mad at me no more.

No. No, Norton,
I'm not gonna get mad.

No, I'm not gonna yell.
I'm just gonna kill you!

Where you goin'?Run, baby!

I know where
there's another train--
and it's got a bell too.

You better know where
there's another train.

Come on, man! For real!

[ Speaking Indistinctly ]

See, Ed here is a special child.

[ Yelling ]

[ Laughing ]

Stop rubbing on his balls.
Get out the chair, Iggy.

Is that his balls? Oh, man.
Why didn't you tell me?

Well, my father used to train
neglected Chihuahuas

with Down Syndrome, and then--

It's not that he has
any kind of mental problem,

he just likes--[ Laughing ]

Let it go. Sitting up here
looking like a birthday balloon.

Sitting up here looking like a
bottle of dishwashing liquid.

Kumquat-- Summer squash--
Stick of butter,

and you want me to let it go?

You look more like a piece of--

[ Speaking in Spanish ]

[ Bleep ]

[ Speaking Indistinctly ]

I'm Ronald.And I'm Ernie.

[ Both ]
And we're the Isley brothers.

[ Singing ]