The Honey-Mousers (1956) - full transcript
In this spoof of TV's "The Honeymooners", Ralph Crumden and Ned Morton are mouse versions of Jackie Gleason and Art Carney's characters on the TV show. When new human tenants move into the apartment where the Crumden and Morton couples live, Ralph and Ned try to gain access to a banquet of food in the people's refrigerator, which is guarded by an orange cat.
HEY, ALICE!
ALICE!
COME HERE, BABY,
AND SEE WHAT YOUR
EVER-LOVIN' HUSBAND
AND PROVIDER
HAS BROUGHT YA.
ARE YOU KIDDIN', RALPH?
A HUNK OF OLD,
STALE CHEESE.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU
EXPECT?
THAT'S THE LAST
MORSEL OF FOOD
LEFT IN THE JOINT
SINCE THE PEOPLE
MOVED OUT.
AND I HAD TO GET THAT
THE HARD WAY.
OW! OW! OW!
OH! OH! OH! OH!
OWWWW!
OH, CUT IT OUT,
RALPH.
YOU'RE GONNA LIVE.
BUT HOW DO YOU
EXPECT US TO LIVE
WITH NO FOOD
IN THE DUMP?
AW, SOMEBODY WILL MOVE IN
AND, UH...
AND FIND A COUPLE
OF DEAD MICE.
I OUGHTA BELT YOU ONE.
AH...
HELLO, RALPHIE, BOY!
NEW PEOPLE MOVING IN.
HEY, NO KIDDIN'?
COME ON, WE'LL GO
HAVE A LOOK-SEE
IN THE KITCHEN.
SHEE! GET A LOAD
OF THE ICEBOX.
HEY, ALICE!
YOU OUGHTA SEE WHAT
THEY'RE MOVIN' IN!
IT'S LIKE HAVING
GREENBLATT'S
DELICATESSEN
RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO US.
YEAH. EVERYTHING
FOR THE KITCHEN BUT A CAT.
HA HA HA HA!
THERE'LL BE FEASTIN'
TONIGHT, RALPHIE BOY.
VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
ALICE, MY QUEEN,
BREAK OUT THE MONOGRAMMED
KRUMDEN SILVER.
WE ARE GONNA HAVE
A BANQUET!
ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN
FRONT, RALPH.
LET'S GO GET
THE GROCERIES.
WAIT A MINUTE, MORTON.
I'LL GET THE GRUB.
I AM NOT IN THE MOOD
FOR MUSTARD, ICE CREAM,
AND KREPLACHS.
YOU WAIT HERE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MUSTARD,
ICE CREAM, AND KREPLACHS?
HEY, RALPH.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
C-C-C-CA-CAT!
WHAT ARE YOU TRYIN'
TO TELL ME, RALPH?
CAT... CAT... CAT...
TELL ME, RALPH!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
MORTON!
I'M TRYIN' TO TELL YA.
THERE'S A CAT
IN THE KITCHEN!
CAT?
CAN'T BE NO CAT, RALPH.
I DON'T SEE NO CAT, RALPH.
BUT I FEEL HIS PRESENCE.
IT'S A FINE TIME
TO GO TO PIECES, MORTON.
NOW COME ON.
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.
WE GOTTA PUT OUR HEADS
TOGETHER
AND OUTSMART THAT CAT.
HMMPH!
I'VE SEEN BETTER HEADS
ON A GLASS OF BEER.
HARDY-HAR-HAR!
I GOTTA ADMIT, MORTON...
HEH HEH...
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
YOU KNOW,
YOU COME UP WITH AN IDEA
THAT MAKES SENSE.
GEE, THANKS.
THAT'S GOOD, RALPH.
OH, DON'T TELL ME
THERE'S A MARKET
FOR CANNED SLOB.
VERY FUNNY, ALICE.
VE-R-R-R-Y FUNNY.
ONE OF THESE DAYS, MORTON...
ONE OF THESE DAYS!
WELL, ALICE,
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?
WHAT IS IT?
NO DOUBT YOU HAVE HEARD
OF THE TROJAN HORSE.
HEY, HEY.
WELL, THIS HERE
IS A TROJAN DOG.
YEAH. BEWARE OF FRENCH POODLES
BEARING GIFTS, HUH, RALPH?
HA HA HA!
MORTON, YOU ARE
A MENTAL CASE.
OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE,
RALPH,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST...
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST SHUT UP!
COME ON, MORTON,
LET'S GET GOING.
PILOT TO COPILOT.
CONTACT.
CONTACT.
FULL SPEED AHEAD.
ROGER.
OVER AND OUT.
ALL RIGHT, MORTON,
GET WITH IT!
ONE SARDINES!
ONE SARDINES.
ONE ICE CREAM!
ONE ICE CREAM.
FISH A LA MODE.
SOME OLIVES, MORTON!
HERE'S A PIMENTO
AS A MEMENTO.
OH, GREAT.
I'LL PRESS 'EM IN A BOOK.
PICKLES AND RICE!
PICKLES AND RICE.
ALL VERY NICE.
VA-VA-VA-VOOM.
OK, MORTON,
WE GOT ENOUGH CHOW
FOR A WEEK. HEH HEH.
WELL, WE BETTER
GET GOING.
CONTACT!
CONTACT.
HEY, RALPH.
WE GOT COMPANY.
JEEZ...
RALPH, LIKE I'VE BEEN
TRYING TO TELL YOU,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
GET RID OF THE CAT?
HEY, MORTON,
WHY DON'T WE JUST
GET RID OF THE CAT?
OH, YEAH, RALPH,
WHY DON'T WE JUST
GET RID OF THE CAT?
OH, I OUGHTA...
WELL, MRS. KRUMDEN,
IF IT'S SO SIMPLE,
WHY DON'T YOU DO IT?
ALL RIGHT, I WILL, RALPH.
AHHH... SHUT UP!
NOW BEAT IT! SCRAM!
OK, BOYS, GO GATHER
YOUR GROCERIES.
ONE OF THESE DAYS, ALICE...
ONE OF THESE DAYS...
POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER.
HMMPH!
COME ON, MORTON.
OH, YEAH, SURE, SURE,
RALPH.
ALICE...
YOU'RE THE GREATEST.
ALICE!
COME HERE, BABY,
AND SEE WHAT YOUR
EVER-LOVIN' HUSBAND
AND PROVIDER
HAS BROUGHT YA.
ARE YOU KIDDIN', RALPH?
A HUNK OF OLD,
STALE CHEESE.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU
EXPECT?
THAT'S THE LAST
MORSEL OF FOOD
LEFT IN THE JOINT
SINCE THE PEOPLE
MOVED OUT.
AND I HAD TO GET THAT
THE HARD WAY.
OW! OW! OW!
OH! OH! OH! OH!
OWWWW!
OH, CUT IT OUT,
RALPH.
YOU'RE GONNA LIVE.
BUT HOW DO YOU
EXPECT US TO LIVE
WITH NO FOOD
IN THE DUMP?
AW, SOMEBODY WILL MOVE IN
AND, UH...
AND FIND A COUPLE
OF DEAD MICE.
I OUGHTA BELT YOU ONE.
AH...
HELLO, RALPHIE, BOY!
NEW PEOPLE MOVING IN.
HEY, NO KIDDIN'?
COME ON, WE'LL GO
HAVE A LOOK-SEE
IN THE KITCHEN.
SHEE! GET A LOAD
OF THE ICEBOX.
HEY, ALICE!
YOU OUGHTA SEE WHAT
THEY'RE MOVIN' IN!
IT'S LIKE HAVING
GREENBLATT'S
DELICATESSEN
RIGHT NEXT DOOR TO US.
YEAH. EVERYTHING
FOR THE KITCHEN BUT A CAT.
HA HA HA HA!
THERE'LL BE FEASTIN'
TONIGHT, RALPHIE BOY.
VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
ALICE, MY QUEEN,
BREAK OUT THE MONOGRAMMED
KRUMDEN SILVER.
WE ARE GONNA HAVE
A BANQUET!
ALL QUIET ON THE WESTERN
FRONT, RALPH.
LET'S GO GET
THE GROCERIES.
WAIT A MINUTE, MORTON.
I'LL GET THE GRUB.
I AM NOT IN THE MOOD
FOR MUSTARD, ICE CREAM,
AND KREPLACHS.
YOU WAIT HERE.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH MUSTARD,
ICE CREAM, AND KREPLACHS?
HEY, RALPH.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
C-C-C-CA-CAT!
WHAT ARE YOU TRYIN'
TO TELL ME, RALPH?
CAT... CAT... CAT...
TELL ME, RALPH!
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
MORTON!
I'M TRYIN' TO TELL YA.
THERE'S A CAT
IN THE KITCHEN!
CAT?
CAN'T BE NO CAT, RALPH.
I DON'T SEE NO CAT, RALPH.
BUT I FEEL HIS PRESENCE.
IT'S A FINE TIME
TO GO TO PIECES, MORTON.
NOW COME ON.
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.
WE GOTTA PUT OUR HEADS
TOGETHER
AND OUTSMART THAT CAT.
HMMPH!
I'VE SEEN BETTER HEADS
ON A GLASS OF BEER.
HARDY-HAR-HAR!
I GOTTA ADMIT, MORTON...
HEH HEH...
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE,
YOU KNOW,
YOU COME UP WITH AN IDEA
THAT MAKES SENSE.
GEE, THANKS.
THAT'S GOOD, RALPH.
OH, DON'T TELL ME
THERE'S A MARKET
FOR CANNED SLOB.
VERY FUNNY, ALICE.
VE-R-R-R-Y FUNNY.
ONE OF THESE DAYS, MORTON...
ONE OF THESE DAYS!
WELL, ALICE,
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?
WHAT IS IT?
NO DOUBT YOU HAVE HEARD
OF THE TROJAN HORSE.
HEY, HEY.
WELL, THIS HERE
IS A TROJAN DOG.
YEAH. BEWARE OF FRENCH POODLES
BEARING GIFTS, HUH, RALPH?
HA HA HA!
MORTON, YOU ARE
A MENTAL CASE.
OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE,
RALPH,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST...
WHY DON'T YOU
JUST SHUT UP!
COME ON, MORTON,
LET'S GET GOING.
PILOT TO COPILOT.
CONTACT.
CONTACT.
FULL SPEED AHEAD.
ROGER.
OVER AND OUT.
ALL RIGHT, MORTON,
GET WITH IT!
ONE SARDINES!
ONE SARDINES.
ONE ICE CREAM!
ONE ICE CREAM.
FISH A LA MODE.
SOME OLIVES, MORTON!
HERE'S A PIMENTO
AS A MEMENTO.
OH, GREAT.
I'LL PRESS 'EM IN A BOOK.
PICKLES AND RICE!
PICKLES AND RICE.
ALL VERY NICE.
VA-VA-VA-VOOM.
OK, MORTON,
WE GOT ENOUGH CHOW
FOR A WEEK. HEH HEH.
WELL, WE BETTER
GET GOING.
CONTACT!
CONTACT.
HEY, RALPH.
WE GOT COMPANY.
JEEZ...
RALPH, LIKE I'VE BEEN
TRYING TO TELL YOU,
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
GET RID OF THE CAT?
HEY, MORTON,
WHY DON'T WE JUST
GET RID OF THE CAT?
OH, YEAH, RALPH,
WHY DON'T WE JUST
GET RID OF THE CAT?
OH, I OUGHTA...
WELL, MRS. KRUMDEN,
IF IT'S SO SIMPLE,
WHY DON'T YOU DO IT?
ALL RIGHT, I WILL, RALPH.
AHHH... SHUT UP!
NOW BEAT IT! SCRAM!
OK, BOYS, GO GATHER
YOUR GROCERIES.
ONE OF THESE DAYS, ALICE...
ONE OF THESE DAYS...
POW! RIGHT IN THE KISSER.
HMMPH!
COME ON, MORTON.
OH, YEAH, SURE, SURE,
RALPH.
ALICE...
YOU'RE THE GREATEST.