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The Hoard (2018) - full transcript

THE HOARD is a comedy/horror mockumentary that chronicles the unravelling of a production team who are attempting to produce the ultimate reality TV show pilot 'Extremely Haunted Hoarders'.

Oh my god!

10% of all hoarding
cases involve extremely

haunted properties.

Rockford, Ohio,
March 19th, 2017.

A group of reality
show experts set out

to reform a hoarder with
several condemned homes.

This is how the
ultimately reality show

turned into a deadly nightmare.

Welcome to Extremely
Haunted Hoarders.

We're gonna make
reality show history.

And we have made quite
the alarming discovery.

This is disgusting.

I've never seen so
much shit in my life.

This has been a big
job but I'm not done yet.

You're gonna clean this
fucking shit up right now

or you're going to jail.

Die you fuck!

So we have 48 hours to
bring this place up to code.

One, two, three.

Let's get to work.

This is Extremely
Haunted Hoarders.

Rockford, Ohio was once
a booming Lake Eerie

shipping hub.

Where the industrial East
met the sprawling West.

Nowadays, Rockford has
fallen on rough times.

Addiction and hoarding
are prevalent.

Rockford, Ohio used to
be just such a great place.

It slid, its way down.

Just a fucking dump.

Crime rates are high, lots
of drug use, crack heads.

People are up to move
somewhere else to find a job.

I love this town.

There's a lot to do, there's uh,

lot of chicks in this town
and I fucking love it.

I think Donald Trumps
gonna make Rockford, Ohio

great again.

We got three basic
problems in this place.

Number on, property values.

Number two, drug abuse.

Very very bad drug abuse

and number three
is the hoarding.

I know a couple
of hoarders, yes.

Everybody in this
town is a hoarder.

We have the most hoarders
per capita in the US.

Sheila Smyth
and Dr. Lance Ebe

have been reforming hoarders
across the Rust Belt

for the last three years.

Welcome to Rockford.

Showrunner Sheila Smyth

has rejuvenated
hundreds of hoards.

Hi, my name is Sheila Smyth

and I'm a professional organizer

and interior
designer specializing

in hoarder decluttering.

Dr. Ebe's patients
have a relapse rate

of 94%.

In a peculiar way, the
patient that we are treating

is actually the entire town.

Alright, its time
to meet our guy.

Meet Murph Evans.

75 years old, born and
raised in Rockford.


Oh well, I had chicken
liver for breakfast.

That's a delicacy if
you cook it right.

Chicken livers are
ripe for giving.

I get it when its on 50% off.

I got to get
everything at 50% off.

I'm a 50% man.

Murph Evans
has been collecting

antique furniture and
cluttering properties

for the last 50 years.

This room here
looks pretty bad,

looks like a lot of stuff.

There's art, all of
great importance in here

but there are some nice things

if you, if you search.

Every Sunday,
the town convenes

at the Rockford auction and
Murph Evans is a regular.

This is catnip for hoarders.

When you go in, you don't
know what you're gonna find.

The element of surprise
that makes auctions

so much fun.

I believe that the entire town

is suffering and is culpable

to some degree, in this illness

and will have to be treated.

It is disorder writ large.

Sold for $300 there.

Number 110 to buy it.

Number 110.

Oh that shotgun
at the auction.

That's a beauty.

That's a real treasure.

That's a real wall
hanger, that one.

Piece at a time, piece
at time from auctions,

that's for sure.

Murph Evans owns at least

three condemned properties,
that we know of.

Named after their former owners.

Nobody in the history
of reality programs

has ever tackled a hoarder
with three properties.

The Gothic and
forlorn Lemon house.

The Manjuris house,
Victorian haunt on the hill.

The Neiland farmhouse, a
former cauliflower ranch.

Murph Evans is a
phenomenal hoarder.

Every time he acquires
something and runs out of space,

he goes out and
finds another house

and this is extraordinary,

this is a highly evolved,
very aggressive form

of hoarding.

It appears to have ambition.

You get so many chairs,

you sometimes, got to buy four

to get the one you want.

Typically the hoarder
will stay in one place,

like a nest, and cover
themselves in filth.

In Murph's case, there
are satellite nests.

There is almost an entity
that needs to be satisfied

in spite of what I call
a typical hoarder's,

you know, behavior,
which is to be inert,

stationary, and filth covered.

In Murph's case, he's
out going from property

to property, auctions,
all sorts of things,

acquiring these pointless
pieces of shit, really

and then farming it
out to different homes

and this is why I think the town

is in fact the patient,

it is in danger of
being taken over

by a viral hoarding disorder.

He cannot let go of anything.

Its a sickness.

The place is a pigsty.

The man is an animal.

Time does run out
and energy runs out.

So either you smarten
up and clean this shit up

or we're coming back here,
we're condemning the place,

you lose everything, alright.

You got that?

Yes, I worry about
my teams, for sure.

I mean we'll all
be crawling through

a twisted mans mind

and that can get
pretty dangerous.

Yeah I think all
this reality TV

is just a bunch of bullshit.

Its just all staged and made up

just to entertain the idle
people with idle minds.

With the clock ticking before

he loses everything,

Murph Evans agrees
to open his door

to our experts in
a desperate bid

to save his properties.

The contractor team
has arrived in Rockford

to stock up for the job ahead.

Grab some of those knee
pads, you're gonna need em.

Derek Jago and the Falcon

and Toledo's greatest
house flippers.

Company I represent
is the Duke of Hazard.

That's why they
call me the Duke.

Mostly I roll around with
a guy they call the Falcon.

Name is Tony
Fennick, 34 years old.

Yeah I've been working
with jack off here

for about five years.

He's a little yappy but uh,

that's what ear plugs are for.

Promises me a
promotion every time

but I doubt it.

By the looks of
it, I don't know,

between us, I think
he's kind of losing it.

He's not so mentally stable.

What the fuck?

See what I mean?

That work for ya?

I would compare Duke to
being like a sledgehammer

and I'm more like a chisel.

Hey come on, I know
they don't got those

in El Salvador but
we got em here.

So I'm Maltese,
very proud of it.

Most people don't even
know where Malta is.

What nationality do
it think the Falcon is?

Do you accept pesos?

I don't know.


Try to keep those
little legs up to speed,

okay chief?

I take shitholes
and make em livable.

That's a nightmare.

I'm the best at what I do.

If you get the Duke,
you're getting perfection.

With three homes to clean up,

the contractors must
recruit a local day worker.

Holy fuck.

Welcome to the jungle.

My last job?

This is my last job.

My name is Charles Ivey.

I'm born and raised Rockford.

You, come here.

No, no.

You, you want a job?

Yes I do.

Get in.


You're missing the beauties.

Don't know what you're missing.

How can we be sure that
this is a haunted hoard?

Well we can't be sure until
we get the team in there

processing the site

but in Murph Evans
case, we know for a fact

that several of the
properties that he purchased

were documented hot zones.

Caleb and Chloe Black

are Northern Ohio's
most renowned paranormal

ghost hunters.

I dabble in ESP.

Astroplanes, precog, truly
connecting to spirits.

Caleb here, he's the tech guy.

Our outfit in
nocturnal frequency

has been going strong
for five years now.

We've been looking
for our time to shine.

We've been building
up the Instagram.

Working on the YouTube.

Rockford is the
epicenter of something.

There are so many tainted
and scary spirits here.

This place is alive.

You name it, we've seen it.

We got the Zanesville
lobster boy.

Made a nine hour web series
out of that encounter.

The Akron chill event.

Eighty degrees outside

except for this one
particular park bench,

sit down, freeze your ass off.

The Paducah angel.

First recorded entity
that is bisexual.

It was a rough patch
for Chloe and I.

We are now divorced.

So we're lucky
enough to be here

with one of Rockford's finest.

Bylaw Officer Chapman.

So can you tell me what
would happen if Murph

can't get his homes
up to code in time?

Well he'll lose
everything for starters.

All his shit, his
homes, his dignity.

Regional township of Rockford

grants me the power to
condemn any hoarded houses

within 60 days of a violation.

Sadly, Murph Evans
has 20 of those.

So I'm just waiting for
the court order to come in

before the township can
confiscate these properties.

So on day one we
like to dive right in.

What's it gonna take
to clear these places

and to be honest with
you, is it even possible?

Each of our teams
have been assigned

a house to inspect.

I personally will be
inspecting the farm house

with Dr. Ebe and Murph Evans.

So you found the
Neiland's house.

This is the oldest one of all.

It was built in 1869.

Its almost an Antebellum.

Oh sorry, you scared me.

Murph Evans?

I'm Sheila, I spoke to
you on the phone last week.

I thought there'd be 10 of
youse coming today.

Well its just for me now.

Well you can't get in there.

There's a whole bunch
of shit piled in there,

so you'll have to come this way.


If you'd given me
a bit of time here,

I could of had some of this
stuff piled up a bit neater,

but, however.
That's okay.

Can't change it now.

It was a very unique
experience for me

inspecting the farmhouse.

I have never felt
this sense of fear

anywhere I've been before.

Come onto this room here.

Have a look at this.

It just has this really
negative energy about it.

Oh my.

I can barely walk in here.

It's oppressive clutter.

I have seen the worst and
this is the first time

I have felt personally
threatened by trash.

This is gonna be a bigger
job than I thought.

Well no, a lot of the
stuff I'm not as attached

to as they're making out I am.

So you have a lot
of picture frames.

Oh yeah, I got
some good ones here.

And a lot of
these old portraits,

you can tell they propped
them up after they died

and took the picture.

A lot of it is just
sitting there waiting

maybe to find like a mate for it

to make up a set or
something like that

and it may never get used

it may always be an
orphan just sitting there

waiting to find
another one like it

or the proper place for it.

And so do you
think there's any,

any way you could
get rid of a few

and just keep some
of your favorites?

Well I want to match
them up for pairs and that

before I even think
of getting rid of anything.

See what you can get for pairs

and maybe there
wouldn't be many left.

Do you think its necessary
to keep all of them?

Pairs are important.


Some things I'm
terribly attached to,

other things are just kinda
sitting there in waiting.

Who's this guy?

Who's that guy?

Oh that's the cutest
little teddy bear.

I don't know where
it ever came from

but its so well
done, the little,

the little, uh, leather
pads on the paws

and that are just so cute.

Oh it is cute.

Is this one a keeper?

Well I'll keep sure.

He's cute.

He's passed the test, he's cute.

Everything's cute
that's in here.

It doesn't matter what it is.

Just a room of treasures.

And you don't, you
don't feel like you could

let go of any of them?

No, no not many anyway.

I'd have to be pretty,

it have to be a pretty
good day for me,

cause I said, I do
want to get pairs

and things all matched up

and I just, sometimes
I said there's lots

that will never get hung up

but pairs are important.

Dr. Ebe peels
into two hours late

to the farmhouse.

Its all about the
clock, Ebe therapy.

Its crunch time.

I don't got, you know,
a year to work on a guy

with talk therapy or
pharmacological cures

none of that bullshit.

This is like, I got 10 minutes

to turn this around.

I just look at him like that.

Look him right in the eye.

I tell him, we don't
have time to fuck around.

This space we're in right now,

what is your plan?

Well, get rid of some
of the lesser pieces

and then the real good stuff,

Ross is gonna help me carry them

up to the third floor.

Who's that, I wonder?

Oh that will be Dr. Ebe.

How is he gonna get in?

Well I'll go and
get him from the back.

Maybe I can get through.

Just a minute.

Just maybe we can manage this.

See what we can do.


Well I can't wait for you
to meet our doctor, Murph.

I don't need a
doctor, I need somebody

to help me carry stuff
up to the third floor.

Murph Evans?

Dr. Ebe.

Get in here at all, is it?


Sheila, how you doing?

I'm well.

Jesus quick, help me.

Help me.

Show me around
this goddamn place.

Okay, come on upstairs.

The Neiland farmhouse
was a very curious place.

It was very hard to move
around in that house.

It's clearly a maze and a
impossible frustrating environment.

Just didn't really look
like a hoarder house.

It looked like a
warehouse, frankly,

of furniture that was stacked
in them most curious way.

Mostly it had
headboards and settees,

a new word I just heard,

bureaus, things like that

and he knew the
provenance of each one.

That's the base
of a Davenport.

That's a seven foot
double pedestal

Mahogany Georgian sideboard.

This is your John Hall Empire.

This is another Heinzman,

see there you are,
Gerard Heinzman.

I don't know where we're
gonna start with this.

Even Sheila Smyth,
a seasoned professional,

is apprehensive.

She can feel the
despair within the walls

of Neiland house.

Nobody's died here
since I can remember

but I'm quite sure
that back in the 1800s

when everybody died at
home with the neighbor

helping to do whatever
they had to do

that there probably has
been people die here.

The spirit workers
get their first look

at the Lemon house.

They have the most
challenging task of all.

The removal of unwanted guests.

Mrs. Lemon was sick
here for the last

many many years.

She'd be sitting out
on the porch here

with all her oxygen goodies on

so she lived to be quite old

but I don't know whether
anyone died here or not.

You'd have to, I guess,
have a ghost machine

or something to
find that one out.

Alright, infrared thermometer?

Got it.

Voice recorder?

UV light?
Roger that.

Flash light?
Got it.

Blue prints?

Laser grid?


First aid kit?

EVP decoder?
That's a big yes.

Night vision head gear?
Got that, too.


Light meter.

Check, check, check
yes, got it, yes.

Right, looks like we have
everything we need here.

No we're missing something.

Something important.

THC incinerator.


When we arrived
to the Lemon house,

it was a disaster.

I mean clutter everywhere.

The entire house had this vibe

of depression and sadness

and something definitely
had a hold over it.

Hey Chloe.

Setting up here.

Murph Evans has
crammed the Lemon house

with his bursting inventory
of antique furniture.

You can definitely
feel something in here.

Psychic, Chloe Black,

has isolated an
ominous vibration

in the first floor parlor room

that was the sight of a botched
suicide attempt in 1908.

Hey Chloe!


Oh those ghost hunters.

They're stupid as hell.

They're running around with
them battery charger things

roped onto them
and they don't know

their ass from a
hole in the ground.

They are really really stupid.


All our scopes, meters,
dials, and doo hickies

were just going off the radar.

I didn't know what
to think of it.

Hey, Chloe!

Where you at?

You need to set up
the EMT right away.



You want them all entirely?


We need all hands
on deck, let's go.

Right got it, we're doing it.


We're standing on the
porch of the Manjuris house.

George Manjuris had died in 48

and there was virtually
nothing done with it

til I got it in 2000.

The contractors have arrived

to the property to
determine whether this will

be a tear down or a rental job.

Alright, listen up, boys.

Falcon I'll be watching
you like a hawk.

Ivey you let me down,

I'm gonna fuck you up and down.

Jago snapped when
he saw the house.

New born baby Jesus,
this place is a mess.

Ease drops, non existent.

Stair raisers,
completely too small.


Holy fuck, look at the windows.

Need all new windows.

Who's paying for this?

Not you.

Falcon, would you look
at this foundation?

It looks like it was built
in 16 fucking fuck me.

You're never done fixing.

As long as you're
living, you'll be fixing.

Something will be falling
off or rotting away.

There's always something.

Little is known
about Chuck Ivey

and his presence on
set is unsettling.

How do I describe
myself in one sentence?

I like to help people.

I love the heavy metal
music and I love cats.

I was pretty excited about
the initial inspection

of the Manjuris house.

I've walked by it so many times.

There's, there's so many ghost
stories and stuff like that.

Where the fuck is Ivey?

So we've just finished with
the outside inspection,

now its time to go inside.

Its giver.

What are you laughing at?

The pressure is on.

The Duke will have to gut
and repair three properties

in just three days.

Obviously stage
five mold over here.

Shut up, Falcon.

That's barely a four.

So the house has
had quite a career

but inside its totally original.

It has never been renovated.

When I walked in there,

there was everything from
ceilings falling down

to looks like fat ladies
were having line dance

lessons on the floors
and it was just a mess.

Definitely knobs and
tubes got to be changed.

Well where do you start?

Sulfur in the water.

The walls are falling apart.

Lead paint.

If the Manjuris house
is an indication

of how the rest of
this jobs gonna go.

I think its gonna
be a tear down.

Doesn't seem like the
houses are livable

as they are now.

It's a bit of a maze
getting through it

but however, we've
all done worse.

Oh here's something interesting.

First inspection of
the Manjuris house,

what a beauty.

Got water damage right here,

the wall papers out of control.

More water damage up there.

We got a broken window.

I notice that there's
gonna be a lot more work

than initially was told.

That's par for the course.

Looks like a skunk and
a raccoon had a fight.

Yeah we got our work
cut out for us up here.

They don't understand,
the Duke's got a lot

of work to do and just
can't pussy fart around

at any job.

This place is creepy, man.

Still works.

Dr. Ebe sits
down with Murph Evans,

to conduct his
initial assessment.

The strategy I'm
using with Murph,

is something I call
intensive short term

shame based psychotherapy.

I am interested
in your feelings.

For instance, how do you feel

when you see strangers
walking around,

like we are today,

through your frankly
disgusting house?

Tripping over your garbage.

How does it make you feel?

Why, do you find
me disgusting?

To tell you the truth,

I prefer to ask the
questions myself, okay.

Well fire away, then.

I don't have one right now.

This requires a real
beating up of the person.

Bruising that personality,

making it uncomfortable

until its banished
completely from the psyche.

You know these things
are getting thrown out

into a bin, right?

I don't need no damn bin,
I'm not that desperate.

The best way to do that

is to hold up a mirror and
say, look, this is you.

The world sees you this way.

You're a fucking asshole.

Change right fucking now.

You get mail here?

You ever got a letter?

You ever written a letter?

You ever opened a letter?

Huh, from your sweetheart,

you got a sweetheart?

I'm not thinking not.

Dr. Ebe, he's a mess.

He's all flubby and cutty

and he's had the good life

even though he isn't any good.

All this stuff is
going into a landfill,

You know that.

I don't know why.

Why would you tear down a house

or throw stuff away just cause
things need moved or fixed.

Mr. Evans, I want you
to listen to yourself.

There is no running water here.

There is no plumbing
in this house.

There is no heat.

How do you live here?

I don't live here.


I don't live here.

Hell no, I'm not that stupid.

I just use it to store things.

Let me get this straight.

You don't live here?




Yeah, I'm in here.

Word with Ebe, please.

What is it, Ebe?

You know he doesn't
even live here.

What, Murph doesn't live here?


What do you mean,
where does he live?

I don't know.

Are you gonna crack this guy?

He seems a little...

A little uncomplicated, eh?

That's what I think.

He's a little uncomplicated.

Yeah I've got to
get out of here.

You know, for a
guy with hoarder, uh.


Yeah, what is it Ebe?

God, I love you.

Here's a new one,
pooper in the pantry.

No, no I did not
put that there.

I'm not to that
stage in life yet,

that I need a shitter
in the pantry.

I will have that taken
out, if I live long enough.

By the time I take it out,
probably I will be old enough

to need it.

I have irritable
bowl syndrome,

like gut rye.

Hangs out of you you name it,
its going on down there.

Weak stomach.

I should of told the guys that

but I think it will be okay.

These pipes are looking bad.

They all need to be redone.

Yeah a little PVC.

At least the furnace is new.

At least the furnace is new.

What are you worried about
warming your tiny little nuts?

Ah shit.

Ivey, where are you?

I'm gonna.

Get done here now...

So when I got blasted
through the pipe with shit,

you know, most
people would fold up

and leave right there

but you know what?

That's not what the Duke does.

The Duke's had some
adversity in his life.

He deserves what he gets.

He's just a smart ass,
doesn't know shit from puddy.

So we've just
finished our inspection

of the Neiland
farmhouse and right now,

I guess we're just
waiting on you Dr. Ebe.


Uh, he is an eccentric
with a blind spot.

He's doing great
damage to himself

and I believe that blind spot

is pride based.

Murph, where you going?


Why, where do you
think he's really going?

I got an idea.

Let's follow him
in the Trans Am.

I took an Ambien, so
you'll have to drive.


Sheila and
Lance must keep tabs

on their patient.

There is a high risk of relapse

at this early
stage of treatment.

Where you going, Murphy.

There's something us he's
not telling us, Sheila.

Murph told us he was
heading to the Lemon house

and as we followed
him, we discovered

he was going to Value Village,

which was quite
disappointing to me.


Why, Murph?

What do you need?

Some gloves, a
vase, what the fuck?

You know, you've got everything.

Wait here, I've got this.

Okay, just wait.

Okay, so I've just
followed Murph here,

Dr. Ebe and I and
not the best way

to start day one.

He's obviously in there
buying some more junk.

Watch what you're doing.


Just as Dr. Ebe suspected.

Evan's is in major setback.

The compulsive subject

is observed selecting
random, pointless items.

Hats, shirts, diapers,
and baby food.

Something I can help you with?

No I'm good, thank you.

I think its time
that you've left.

No I was just
going, okay thanks.

Okay, goodnight.

Yeah, thank you.

When they caught
me at Value Village,

I didn't feel really anything.

I know a lot of people there
and I wasn't buying much.

Anyway, its my business.

The ghost
hunters must now face

the Lemon house.

A legendary portal to
hell in Rockford folklore.

Chloe is beginning to suspect

that the Lemon
house is ground zero

for a number of
extreme hauntings.

There's so many off
vibrations in this place.

Chloe, I'm coming.

Caleb, where are you?

Bedroom, the end of the hall.

Real bad odor.

Oh my god, here too.

What do you think it is?

Familiar smell.

Can't quite put my finger on it.

Salty sweet.

Mostly socks.

Oh yeah.

Switching to black light mode.

Okay fine, socks.

Can we please move on now?

Oh oh yeah.

Copious ejaculate.

Someones been whacking
off into these argyles.

Well at least
there's some finery.

Oh crusty.

Like a burnt pita.

This is nice.


Call the rental guys.

This is gorgeous.

At least they had some class.

Hang on, Chloe.

I'm coming.

Do not touch anything.

I repeat, do not touch anything.




Remove the kerchief.


It looks nice, don't you think?


Get it, get it off.

Caleb get it off, get it off.

No I don't want it.

Its clear.

You're clear

What the fuck?

Sheila and Ebe
have tracked Murph across

town to a mysterious
undisclosed location.

Behold, property number four.

The Maitland house.

What is this place?

I don't know, Sheila.

Oh this is so creepy.

God damn it, what's
he doing in there?

He's keeping all these
secrets and I'm nervous

that there's gonna
be a lot of surprises

that we are not anticipating.

This is the place.

This is what he's
been hiding all along.

Goddamn it, Sheila.

This is gold.

What the fuck was that?

Well the Maitland
house was a big shock.

The fact that Murph
Evans was keeping

this from us, I
can't treat someone

who keeps secrets.

Stay put.

Ebe's gonna check it out.

Ebe, Ebe.

You're sick in
the fucking head.

Be honest about it.

Don't hide shit

and so he hid Maitland's from us

and its clearly where
it all goes down.

That's where it started.

I have no doubt

and I believe that's
where its gonna end up.

Ebe, I am the showrunner.

You need my approval.

What are you,

where did you get
that jacket from?

Ebe, I don't know about this.

Goddamn it, Murph
Evans, its Doc Ebe.

Open this fuckin' door.

Okay, I think we should go.

This seems dangerous.

What an invasion of privacy

cause they haven't any clue
what they're looking at

or what they're doing.

Alright, Murph,
what's going on in here?

What are you guys doing here?

What is going on...


What is that?

I can smell dead
animals, dead flesh.

It is a disgusting
place where perhaps

one of the most highly
evolved hoarders

in my career has
amassed a hideous shrine

to his internal demon.

We ended up
discovering this house

which had the most
horrendous reek

coming out of it.

That is the smell
of rotting flesh.

Feces, god damn rotting animals.

I don't really
know what's in there

and I'm so nervous to find out.

Okay, I don't understand.

Is this a whole other house?

Yeah, this is where I live.

This is the Maitland house.

Okay, we are not
going in there tonight.

We need some sort of
biohazard team here.


You're making me feel bad.

Is there any other
things we need to know?

Any secrets you're hiding?

Not that I know of.

Would you like
the midnight tour?

Okay guys.

We got to be super quiet up here

cause this attics
infested with bees.

Well let's be careful because
I am extremely allergic.

I think.

I've had a hell of
a time with the bees.

They uh, they can
move faster than I can

and there was many times
I wanted to do a job

and they wouldn't
let me even do it.


Okay get ready.

Blast those
motherfuckers, Chuck.

Oh fuck.
Run, you dickheads.

Shit, you got to be kidding me.

Oh bees in the attic.

I tell these idiots to be quiet

and what do they do?

Make a huge ruckus.

I think Falcon little ass
got taken out of there

by a couple of the big ones.

So day one is done

and this by far is
the shittiest project

we've ever done.

You okay?

Yeah I'm alright.

So that's day one in the can.

Which is to say
the can is empty.

We didn't really get much
accomplished today at all.

In my expert opinion,
the Maitland house

is ground zero for an
entire town of horrors.

Except for get to know
Murph, that was quite nice.

He is, he's quite lovable.

There's something about him.

The other houses, the
Manjuris, the Lemons,

and that fucking
Neiland shit box

really are symptoms,

tentacles if you will,

extending out, spilling
out across this town

from the Maitland monster.

So tomorrow, we're gonna
concentrate our efforts

on the Maitland house.

And if I can just
convince Murph Evans

to exercise that monster,

then I believe we can
solve this bullshit

once and for all.

Chloe stumbles
upon the third floor attic

and discovers more pieces
to the Lemon house puzzle.

This must be the
Lemon family archives.

See what we have here.

on the floor below,

Caleb conducts a
night vision sweep

of Mrs. Lemon's bedroom.

From Flossie Lemon.

Wonder what she wrote?

Dear mother,

the pain in this house
is so unbearable.

I wish you could feel my suf...

Oh my god.

I think this is a suicide note.

That's probably why
Murph bought this place

a few months after she drowned
herself in the bathtub.


Was that you?

That was not me.

Got the injunction today
to close up Lemon house.

The bylaw
officer does not realize

he is locking our spiritual
detectives inside the house.

What the fuck was that?

For the first
time in their careers,

the extreme ghost team

are on the verge of
capturing a verifiable

supernatural being.


We've never found a ghost...

Not jerking off, per say.

Not jerking off.

People just walk in on you

and don't really think

that this might be
your private space.

Oh shit.

Did you get that?

Holy shit.

There was a fucking
naked ghost in there.

No I didn't think about that,

that vagrant at Lemons.

I guess he was living under
the veranda or something.

Hurry up, hurry up.

Open the door, Caleb!

Its locked from the outside.

It is now day two

of the Murph Evans intervention.

Our team descends
bright and early

on the newly discovered
Maitland house.

The Duke and his
posse are the first

to break the seal on
the most extreme haunt

in Murph's inventory.


Here we are, day two.

New house, new job.

New outlook.

Well, it was built in 1874

and its had additions
right through

till the 1920s.

Murph, what's popping?

I'm the Duke.

This heres the Falcon.

I told them I didn't
need no damn bin.

Oh they're terrible.

They're sloppy and careless.

Come on Ivey, let's go.

No the other way.

Drop everything and
track dirt into everything

and they should be doing,

working in barns.

The contractors suit up

to inspect the
Maitland property.

They have just one hour
to complete their survey

and submit their estimates.

I think Murph
Evans is a great guy.

Hopefully we'll be
able to clear his house

and also clear his mind.

Really excited to
help you out here.

So we can't wait to
see the inside, sir.

When we first stormed
into the Maitland's house,

I was not ready for that.

It looked like a
tornado and a hurricane

got in a fight fist.

We got a lot of problems here.

We got mold, mildew.

What are you laughing
at, chuckles?

You'll be the one scrubbing it.

Okay, boys.

We got a lot of
support problems here.

These studs are too far apart.

This support walls missing here.

The ceiling joints
look compromised.

They're just in there
rumbling and tumbling everything

and making a damn big mess.

Looks like the
kitchen in here.

An exposed wires.

These pipes need
to be insulated.

Ceiling looks like
its sagging a bit.

Stuff was just
piled and piled like

erratically all over the place.

It was rough.

You can smell the raw sewage.

Probably long backed up
and shut down by the town.,

Its okay Murph,
nothing we can't handle.

He's a stage five hoarder.

You got to remember
that when I got this place

it was 12 apartments and
there was a great deal

of damage.

So I just got down with
the inspection of the inside.

And to put it mildly,

we're dickered.

Not enough time, not
near enough money,

not good enough employees.

Its a tear down
from the ground up.

After a rough night,

the paranormal team is
lucky to have survived.

Oh god.

Oh god.

Last night, uh.

Well Caleb cried.

Things happened and
unexpected events unfold

and you just got to
roll with the punches.

Its part of the uh,
its part of the game.

Okay so day one was
a complete write off

but we started day
two with a bang.

Alright, everyone, listen up.

We have a second
chance here on day two.

So if we can clean
the Maitland house,

and I mean scrub it clean,

reform Murph and
give him the tools

to succeed with his
other properties,

then we'll have done our job

but I need a status
update from everyone.

I need to stay on track today.

I need to know what
you're all going.

So ghosties, hit
me with the facts.

Caleb's gonna do a
prelim pan of the house

and a general
sweep and make sure

there's no dirty little
secrets hiding in there.

Okay, good.

Derek, what are your
thoughts on the interior?

That house is evil.

Creepy, it reeks, its fucked.

We're gonna need a
lot of disinfectant.

Yeah well with
Murph's approval,

we can start clearing a path

and start removing stuff.

Wait, wait slow down.

Dr. Ebe, what are your thoughts?

Well I've asked him to
throw a couple things out

and he just does it.

I'm hoping for a
little more resistance

so I can put on some
of the Ebe drama there.

But he's not, he's
not resisting.

So I'm just gonna
have to fake it

and you know exorcize his demons

and get rid of that
fear and anxiety.

Alright, Murph, are you
ready to christen the bin?

The moment
of truth has arrived

for Murph Evans.

If he can pass this test,

the floodgates of the
Maitland hoard will open.

Oh I guess so.

Okay, you can do this.

Alright, bring it in, everyone.

We have 48 hours to bring
this place up to code.

One, two, three

let's get to work.

I rallied the troops up

and got them all excited,
got them working as a team.

I have full confidence
in Sheila Smyth.

I'm really excited
to work with her

and hopefully its the
first of many jobs.

Oh yeah, she's great.

Very cute, out of my league.

That's fine that she
knows what she's doing

but try to at least let
us know what's going on

would be nice.


Today, we get to shut
down the Neiland farmhouse,

once and for all.

There we go.

One less mess in Rockford.

Oh the bylaw officer.

What a chunk of shit he is.

These bureaucrats like
that just make you sick.

I hate bylaw officers
with a passion.

They're just self
serving idiots.

I'd like to just push
that bylaw officer

off the highest building.

So what was this
room used for, Murph?

Oh it had a bunch of
ugly old cupboards in it.

They used for a
kitchen but I got them

all tore out now.



What is this for, Murph?

Sheila Smyth is alarmed

by the discovery of an
old box of explosives.

Okay, I think this may
be a little bit dangerous

so we're gonna have to
secure this somewhere safe.

Oh I'll take her
down to the cellar.

Is there any other surprises

or booby traps I
need to be aware of?

Oh hell, how would I know?

I'll just put this
fucker right here.

Oh no, no, no.

That's part of the therapy.

I'm gently removing things
without him being aware of it

and just to see if he
will see the empty space

left behind and I do it

in the way that I am doing it

so that it doesn't go detected

but there's nothing
in that house

that one would steal.

I mean I'm a
doctor, not a thief.

Please, you're insulting me.



Jesus Christ.

You want a mask?

Mask, what are you
talking about, dummy?

Well rotted insulation,
asbestos, rat shit.

Listen to this,
Bosnian Bob Villa

motherfucker over here.

Its your funeral.

There's like animal shit.

Oh wait, wait.


Oh its a cat.

Oh no.

Holy shit.

Clean these pussies up, boys.

Holy shit, this is nasty.

I've never seen that many
dead cats in one house.

That's a dead cat.

Dead cat.
Dead cat.

Dead cat.
Dead cat.

Dead pussy.

Oh no, another one.

Dead cat.
Dead cat.

Dead cat.
Oh dead cat.

Come get your dead cats.

Dead cat.

Cats have a life
span, don't they,

like any other animal
and they just crawl

into a hole and die and
unless you're on top of it

well you just don't find them.

We have been experiencing
some real activity up here.


More chairs.


No chairs.

No stairs.

Equals a fucking death trap.

Murph, why do you have
so many chairs, man?

Oh well, the chairs,

a lot of them are here

is an attempt to get sets
and pairs and things.

And why is it so freezing
in this wing of the house?

Oh its always been cold.

It was added later.

Bill, the furnace
man, he's supposed

to be coming, he was supposed
to be here three weeks ago

and he hasn't got here yet.

Has anyone ever died in here?

Well how the
hell would I know?

No mind is at rest.

Nobody is at home in this world.

I mean you have to ask yourself

what the hell happened?

What is out there
and why is it trying

to hurt us?

Well, we're just about
done back there, now.


Alright, my turn to shine.

Hi, I've got a theory
about our friend Murph.

It requires you to
peck at his attention.

Ebe, you know I have asthma.

Where's your vape?

My vape?

Oh I'm cutting
down on that shit.

Jesus Christ, it will kill ya.

Heres my theory.

I believe that Murph Evans
has compartmentalized

his personality.

Which means, now keep up
with me here, its technical.

Part of his personality
is not being shared

with the other part
of his personality.

Its complicated but its textbook

and that shouldn't be a problem

except, its manifesting
itself in this unified

meticulous, sort of
charming personality.

Does this make any sense to you?

Hey Ebe?
You know what this is...

Ebe, you want to
help me clean up here?

You want to make
yourself useful?

Did you take another Ambien?

Oh for fuck sucks.


Had enough of your shit.

Why the fuck you always
got to be fucking

yelling about stuff?

I'm hard on
these dumb bitches.

What do you fucking expect?

This is war.

You can do it yourself.


Damn it.

There is some real
crazy electromagnetic

activity occurring
throughout the entire house.

Unless this isn't working right.

Oh no, its working.

Trust me.

What is your gut saying?

Dude, I've never felt
more sick in my life.

Maybe you're with child.

Caleb, let's get serious.

I am feeling a really
unresolved presence.

Okay Chloe, so what are we
talking about here then?

We got a ghost, a
spirit, a demon,

12 year old girl living
in the floorboards

long flowing hair?
I don't know, Caleb.

Murph's dogs, zombies.

I don't know.

Get the spectrometer and
lets figure this shit out.

And do it quietly.

Simmer down.

I'm not your
fucking dog, aright?

Yeah, well your breath
smells like shit.

I usually can keep
my shit together

but that time
I kind of lost it.

I'm not fucking doing it.

Chuck, you do it.

No freaking way.

How bout I call your
fucking parole officer

and tell him that
I caught you trying

to suck Dr. Ebe off
cause you're the biggest

pervert on the planet?

Stand up to him, Chuck.

He's a pussy.

I think you're just afraid.

Oh I'm afraid,
am I, golden girls.

Okay, daddy will do it.

No, daddy will do it.

Okay dad.

Daddy will do it.

What are you gonna do, huh?

What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do?

You're a delinquent
fucking father,

get the fuck out of here.

Ta da.

Nothing in it, pussy holes.

No dead cats?

Fuck this!

What the fuck was that?

This house has
a lot of surprises

and one was when Jago
got slimed in face.

Fucking hot!

Jesus Christ.

Told that fucker to wear a mask.

Jago is insane right now.

He's dangerous, he's
becoming a liability

and he is completely unstable.

I can't deal with this anymore

and frankly, I
fucking hate this guy.

I don't know, its,

its like every room,
everything in here,

is emitting
electromagnetic positives

which is freaking impossible.

What if it is possible, Caleb?

What everything in this
place is actually possessed?

Shame based
therapy is a tough game.

Dr. Ebe finds a hole in the
way for his daily power nap.

Are you getting this?

Seriously, be careful.

Where, what's that?

Was anyone here before?

It came from that way.

Be careful, Caleb.

Get out!

Get out.

Get out.

Hearing the walls
screaming at you,

get out, get out.

That was a bone
chilling experience.

Fucking house!

Fucking fridge.

Fucking Ivey.


Jago's aggravated
assault on Ivey

reveals a hidden
staircase to the cellar.

Fucks that smell?

Hey look, jack off.

What's for dinner?

Get it, cause you ate shit.

You two, move these
fucking cabinets.

You, andale, andale.

Hey, bumble fuck, get the dry
wall out of your fucking ears

and move these cabinets.

Midway through
day two, a ghastly

Maitland secret is unearthed.

Jesus Christ!

Hey doc, Jago
needs to talk to you.

What is it?

We found something.

I got you now, Murph Evans.

Sheila is gonna shit.

Alright guys, listen.

We don't jump to any
conclusion with this.

We don't make any bad decisions.

We got to keep our heads.

He's probably the furnace guy.

Maybe he had a heart attack.

Zip it, Mexican Matlock.

This is fucking serious.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No racism around Ebe.

I think Murph Evans
killed this man

and that means we all
got to be very careful

around this guy in
the future, okay?

From here on in,
he is dangerous.

What do we do now, doc?

This man deserves
a proper burial.

Okay, you guys go upstairs
and divert that idiot

and I'm gonna uh, I'm gonna
have to come up with a plan.

Well at least put
a blanket on him.

Can we just do another
take, that will be alright,

cause I just, I felt,
need to be a bit bigger

and we can nix the
Mexican Matlock, maybe?

Okay, will that be alright?

Look uh, just real quick.

Real quick.

Thank you, awesome.

You guys are great.

Oh my god.

The question is, has Murph
Evans every killed anyone

in this house.


Is he capable

of killing someone?


and I think he would
go for the weak link

in the pecking order, I think
that would be Charles Ivey.

Poor bastard.

Ebe is safe.

I think.

Sheila, come here.

What is it, Ebe?
We're running behind.

What if I was to
tell you we're about

to make reality TV show history?

Don't pitch me, we don't
have time for this shit.

Okay, you know what?

Murph Evans is a serial killer.

Oh for fucks sake, Ebe.

He's not a serial killer.

I don't even think
the guys a hoarder...

I found a body!



Holy shit, who is he?

That, my friends,
is the furnace man.

Judging by my calculations.

He's been dead for a long time.

We'll I'd like
permission to assemble

an arrest team right away.

There's no fucking
arrest teams, Ebe,

you're losing it.

Ivey's reliable,
he's on probation.

What are we
talking about here?

Well I'll tell you
what we're talking about.

Last night I
witnessed Murph Evans

come into this house with
baby food and diapers.


Yeah, so that means
that there's not only

probably a bunch of
bodies laying around here.

I think there's a
very good probability

that Murph Evans is
raising a small child

in this fucking mess.

I think I need
to call the cops.

No, we're not gonna do that.

That's the last
thing we're gonna do.

We're gonna do this
in house, folks.

We're gonna bring
this bad boy home,

reality justice style.

Extreme arrest team.

For fucks sake.

I'm calling the police.

No, no, no.

Let's use our heads.

If we call the cops,
this show is done.

That's the right thing to do.

There's a dead man.

No cops, no cops, no cops.


Zero cops.

Oh god.

We're gonna need
so many lawyers.

That is not my problem.

I got to find Murph Evans.

I've got to sit down, we got
to get an on camera confession.

I'm a human being first

and I guess a scientist second.

When I stand in a
place like this,

this Maitland house, I,

well I feel like I'm
witnessing literally

the pain of another man.

I'm inside of him.

I connect with that.

Okay listen, Jago, you go
grab your hobo junkies,

come down here, throw
this stiff outside

and then move around and see
if you can find some more

of these god damn bodies.

No extreme arrest team?

What about a
fucking legal team?

Okay look.

At the end of the
day, we arrest him.

In the meantime, let's get
our before after pictures

with the clean ups
and everything,

let's put it in the can

and the job is done, okay?

Go team.


Come on.

Oh this is fucked up, Chuck.

I'm not even
getting paid for this.

Here we go.

Okay, you got him?

Hold on a sec, I
got to turn around.

Come on.

Oh shit, I'm caught
on something here.

Ivey come on, I'm gonna puke.

Let's go.

Ivey, stop resting,
let's move this stiff.

I'm snagged.

Jesus Christ, Ivey.

Come on, we're almost there.

Let's go.

Fish on.

What's wrong with your ear?

I got hell raisered.


The municipal
bylaw office has processed

the eviction order for
Murph's final property.

Hurry up with
that carcass, boys

it smells like big
Willy shit himself.

Where the hell
do you want him?

Well put him in the
back of the bin for now.

The bin?

Are you fucking nuts?

I think I need a tetanus shot.

Office of bylaw open up.

Listen, don't
say a fucking word.

Take this guy around back

while I go distract
this fucking guinea pig.

They're probably jerking
each other off in there.

Oh, officer chubby chaser.

I thought I smelled
barbecued pig pussy.

Where's that
fruitcake Murph Evans?

He's upstairs
having a bubble bath.

Murph Evans hasn't bathed
a day in his fucking life.

Cut the shit.

Murph had a bit of a late
one over at the scrub and dub

and then needs to
wash his mushy bits.

Alright look it, I'm here to
shut down this fucking show,


You and you, this fucking idiot,

you're gonna move
these vehicles.

We're evicting Murph, we're
condemning the property.

Its done.

You guys weren't supposed
to be here till Monday.

Step aside, sir.

I don't know if you've heard,

but I don't mind dancing
in the daytime at all.


I like to dosie do at night,

you and me, nine
o'clock, town square.

You want to fight?


How bout I shove
your head up your ass

and you can fight for air?

I got a gift for you.


I thought I smelled dick.


Well look, I gave
you guys two days

and now times up.

You see that bin over there?


Wait a minute, wait a minute.

All we've been
doing here is trying

to save this god forsaken town

and help Murph Evans by
cleaning up rat shit,

ghost poop, and donkey dung.

And this is the kind of
treatment you're gonna give us?


Alright, I'll tell
you what I'm gonna do.

You got one more day and
then I come and shutter

this dump, alright?

Yeah, wise decision.


Too da loo, fuck head.

So far, we've got
two dozen dead cats,

we got a deceased furnace man,

the funky furniture
is jamming up my gear.

What the fuck is going on here?

From the outside, it
just looks like a bad

mold infestation.

What the hell
are you doing here?

It's just Murph
carrying some chairs.

What in the hell is
all this shit doing here?

These are our headquarters

and we need all of this stuff.

These are our supplies.

This is our work, okay?

You even managed to find
Uncle Jurgis' old wheelchair.

Now we need to ask
you a few questions.

Without notifying the team,

Dr. Ebe has inexplicably
fled the Maitland house.

Our cameras tracked
him to an antique shop

where he appears to be unloading

some of Murph's
collectibles for cash.

Tell us about
your home, Murph.

Well Uncle Jurgis'
and I got it back in 68.

He was mum's older brother

and he used to call out
at the Rockford auction

and he was really
one of the best.

He was a collector
and he knew his stuff

and he taught me pretty well

everything I know.

What happened to your uncle?

Well he got very sick

and lost interest in everything

and pretty soon
he couldn't move,

ended up in a wheelchair.

Everything started to pile up

and then it got all left on me.

I can feel your uncle's
presence here, still,

and I would really like
to talk to him tonight.

Well I think that would
be a bit of a problem.

Chloe, can speak to the dead.

The fractured
team retreats inward,

each to confront
their personal demons.

Fuck this.

So begins the darkest chapter

in reality television.



Hey what's going
on, what's wrong?

I just, I didn't
think the show

was gonna pan out this way.

I wanted it to do some good.

Its not done yet.

I'm sure there's still some good

we can make from this.

Yeah but what's
the point if Murph's

gonna go to jail?

He might as well just
forfeit the house

to the town.

He's not gonna go to jail.

But what is it that
you want to do?

I just want to do a room.

Just one room?

Just one room, just
one before and after

because that's all we told
everyone we're gonna do.

So let's go find
you a room to redo.

So here we are
in our home base

and it has come to our attention

that there is a massive

and I'm talking massive.


Energy source

directly below where
we're standing right now.

Dr. Ebe has
become unrecognizable.

His mind is now riddled
with the very disorders

he has failed to cure.

Hey, Murph, how you doing?

Have a seat please, buddy.

Murph, hi, how are?

You like that settee?

Oh the settee,
I love the settee.

I love the settee.

On the other hand,

as the shows falls
into the abyss,

Charles Ivey finds his purpose

in decluttering
the second floor.

Fantastic city settee, eh?

Well that's John Hall
Empire at its best.

John Hall Empire?

And what about that, is
that a John Hall Empire?

No, that's Eastlake, Eastlake.


Its lovely.

Murph, I want to start to
ask you a few questions,

okay, if I can?

Just a couple questions
about the place,

about the place.

The really strange thing,
I woke up this morning

and, and I uh,

I figured out how many,

how many things
were in the house.

It came to me.

It was a number, 12,800

there was a certain number
of things in the house.

A certain number of things

and the number is 12,000.

Say it to me, say it to me.

Say it to me.



We both know this.

Its about me and you.

Really at the end of the day,

its about me and you.

Its about being...

Are you alright?
It's about.


You guys, I found
another door here.

By the looks of it.

I think that's Murph's secret.


You're gonna want to see this.

Where's the diapers, Murph?

Where's the diapers?

Where's the fucking diapers?

Of all the secrets

that Murph has hoarded,
nothing can prepare the team

for what comes next.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm so scared.

What are they gonna find?

I got to stop them.

I got to stop em!

Oh god.

What the hells in there?

I don't know.

Looks like its moving.

Caleb, are you getting this?


Ebe, what are you doing?

Get a grip.

Oh my god, the smell.

Holy shit!

Oh I see you
found Uncle Jurgis.

Murph, you got to tell
us about stuff like this.

Is he alive?

I mean borderline.

How old is he?

He's 103.

I'm Dr. Ebe and
these are my friends

are we're here to help
your nephew, Murph Evans.

That's Latin and its backwards.

Jesus Christ.

No it isn't.

Its Lithuanian.

Came over on the
boat in the 20s.

Same thing, dead languages.

What's he saying Murph?

Oh he's calling you a thief.

Don't translate.

Don't, just don't like
that, don't translate.

I don't trust it.

Ghost humpers.

You know you're way around
a demonic possession?

Well we can most
certainly try.

Alright, you're
my support crew.

I'm going in.

I'm gonna make contact
with the entity.

Is Uncle Jurgis
in there with you?

Jesus Christ, holy shit.

He said, we're
all afraid to die.

What does that even mean?

I don't know.
It sounds legit.



Where the hell did Murph go?

He's gone.

Let's get the
fuck out of here.

Let's clear out.

For fucks sake.


I just can't believe
what we found in there.

This, it just seems
like a nightmare.

Just one thing after another.

Our team doesn't
even know what kind

of phenomena we're
dealing with here.

There's another
hoarder, there's two.

Stop finding fucking rooms.

What the fuck was that?

I don't know but
on the bright side,

no dead cats.

No I'm talking about
the dead disgusting

fucking uncle.

I'm worried about Ebe.

He is acting so erratically.

He's starting to just unravel

and I'm worried about this
whole place is getting to him.

Uncle Jurgis is
the primary holder.

Its a
its a madness of two

and that's why this
thing to so goddamn huge.

We can't get any
readings in the room

but as soon as you step outside.

Readings are off the hook.


I thought it was cool meeting,

you know, Murph's Uncle.

It was pretty sweet.

Holy fuck.



What the fuck are
we supposed to do?

Well Murph Evans
is not a hoarder.

Well then what is he?


You care to enlighten us?

Think of it as a
force multiplier.

Madness squared.

One is dominant,
the other submissive

and together, they
are increasing

the evil exponentially

and I also believe that
just in being in this house,

around this mess,

we are all part of the equation.

Murph Evans is not Murph Evans.

He has become something else.

We have never met Murph Evans.

So you're saying Uncle
Jurgis has created this Murph?

I believe that
Murph Evans thinks

that the trash of
this house, the mess,

the things that are
collected within its walls,

are keeping the uncle alive

and I think the uncle
believes that too

and you know, I'm
starting to myself.

So where are we
supposed to go from here?

I don't know.

I'm not a medical doctor.

I'm a failed nurse practitioner.

I know, I'm sorry.

Look, I think we're all
going to jail after this.

Chloe, Caleb, what
do you guys think?

We definitely know

that there is an evil entity
in this space, for sure.

Yep, of course you guys do.

I'm sorry, that was rude.

I didn't mean it.

I mean I've just been
given a lot of shit

right now and I think
its time to shut it down.

Why don't we regroup
tomorrow and we'll sort out

what to do.

Ghosties, I need you
guys to stay the night.

What do you want us to do?

I want you to just
monitor the floor.

For what?

For ghosts or demons,

I mean do your job.

If anyone experiences
a mental disturbance

no matter how small,
no matter how subtle,

report immediately to me

and you're gonna have
to leave the show.

I'm very sorry, I'm afraid

that's just gonna have to stand.

When was the last
time you saw the Duke?

Oh man.

Should I call Dr. Ebe?

No Ivey, Dr. Ebe is a fraud.

Shut the fuck up, Falcon.

Fucking nuts.



I don't think I'm gonna be able

to make it to the
end of the job.

Okay, let's go to
the hospital then.

The fucking cupboard.

Those are yours.

Those are for you, Duke.


You're fucking kidding me?

Duke fucking Ivey.

The hold that Uncle
Jurgis has over Murph Evans

is all powerful
and is it too late?

Well yes of course it is.

Its always too late

when you're in the care of Ebe.

There have been so
many curve balls today.

I mean it seems almost trite

to point out how
far behind we are.

I mean there really
isn't a show anymore

Its hard to know
where the nephew begins

and where the uncle ends.

Patient, doctor.

I don't know what
the fuck to do anymore.

Let's go take a
peek at Uncle Jurgis.

We have to check his vitals.


What is it Chloe?

Uncle Jurgis is dead.

Or undead.

I don't know, there's no pulse.

He's cold as a stone.

That's a first for us.

I know.

What are you doing?

I'm going to take a picture.


For the Instagram.

We're losing followers.

Now make a pretty face.

Damn it, Caleb.

I feel like shit,
to be honest with you.

I feel like I've
let everybody down.

Like I'm still processing
that we found a dead body.

This whole thing
was a mistake.

The job, the house.

My life.

I know I was supposed
to be leading this show

but I'm stuck.

I don't know where to go.

I think its all over,

for all of us.

Personally, I feel
like we're kicking ass.

I don't know
what we're gonna do

and I'm not looking
forward to this day

or this conversation.

Showrunner Sheila Smyth

has assembled the team on
the morning of day three

to make an important

Okay, guys.

Its day three, look alive.

This production
meeting is to determine

the way out of this mess.

So I believe we already
have an unbelievable

amount of shit in the can
but here's the problem.

This production
team has gone feral.

You teams have done
some fucked up shit

and I don't even
know where we stand.

I need direct talk.

I need to know what's
going on with everyone,

no matter how fucked up it is.


Yes, ma'am?

What happened to Jago?

I think, I think
he may be a zombie.

What do you mean?

Does he need medical help?

Alright, here it is.

The uncle is exerting some
kind of a mental control

over Murph Evans and
they've taken that practice

of hoarding and they've kicked
it up a notch to killing.

Serial murder.

I believe that the
uncle's nervous system

is sympathetic to the
contents of this house.

Okay I have no fucking
clue what you just said.

Chloe, you look scared,
what's going on?

Uncle Jurgis is dead.

Well, undead.

We confirmed that last night.

So we have an undead uncle

and possibly an undead Jago.

Do I have that right?

I think this show
is completely fucked

and I think its really
time to call the police.

We have no fucking choice.

I have no choice.

None of this is gonna go to air.

We're probably all
gonna go to jail.

Okay, so if we come forward now,

maybe they'll be
able to help us.

I'm sorry guys, I failed you.

No, I'm sorry.

When we set out on this project,

when Sheila Smyth
gave us the call,

she knew it was
gonna be a tough one

but she called you, and you,

not you, we picked you up,

but why?

Because each and everyone of you

is the very best.

But its not about us.

Its about that sweet, crazy man,

and his bad habit of what?

He keeps old shit.

Lots of it.

Is that a bad habit?

No, its a fucking statement.

In this fucked up
world that's choking us

with disposable consumerism.

Maybe one man and his collection

of Queen Ann chairs

is saving us from ourselves.

Where we are.

Right now.

At this crossroads,

and where we'll be

is up to us.

Don't you people see
what we have here?

Yeah I was stung
by a dozen bees,

Jago ate shit.

We found a dead body.

Chloe and Caleb, you
found an undead uncle.

Isn't that amazing?

And Ebe, oh sweet Ebe,

this whole Murph Evans
is a serial killer shit

that fell into your lap

is the best thing that
could ever happen to you.

I only have one
question for you.

Let's hear it.

Do you want to make history?


I can't fucking hear you!

You know you want to make
extreme fucking history.

Yes we do!
Yeah we do!

So let's fucking do it.

Oh my god, oh my god.

Okay you heard the man.

Battle stations, let's
get to work, people.

Let's do this.

In spite of
all rational arguments

to the contrary, the
crew has resolved

to move forward.

God damn it this
is a glory day!

I feel so pumped up.

Do you hear that Falcon?

Jesus he pulled
it out of his ass.

Sheila was a bit of a downer

then the Falcon stepped up.

I'm a brand new Ebe.

I am a brand new
fucking Ebe right now.

Who knew that tiny
little garbage man

had so much energy in him

to excite a group of people.

What a difference
a morning makes.

The Falcon woke up
this morning very upset

but now he's pumped and
ready to get the job done.

I cracked open
a new toothpick.

The day is young.

And we're back on track

with what we came here to do.

Which is change
Murph Evan's life.

I'm going upstairs right now.

I'm gonna cure Uncle Jurgis.

I have no fucking idea
how I'm gonna do that

but goddamn it, with the
Falcon and Smyth,

we can do it.



I wanted to thank you.

For what?

I think I freaked
everyone out there.

No, no, you were amazing.



What you have to do
now is go find Murph.

Where, I don't even know
where to look for him.

Thrift store,
his other places.

He's a creature of habit.

It can't be that hard.



When you do that, you get back,

I'll make sure this
entire house is clean

and spic and span,
top to bottom.



You're amazing.

You are.

Hurry up.

I hear around the set

that you've been
abusing cocaine.

There you go.

You got a bump for Ebe,
a little Billy goat?

A little toot?

The bylaw officer's curiosity

is persistent and potentially

fraught with danger.

I've been waiting a long
time to lock this place up.

What you doing in there, Murph?

Probably jerking off with
that skeevy doctor?

Wake up, Murph.

Jesus Murphy.

You guys knew about this?

We got a major
temperature drop.

15 degrees down.

Oh my god.

Dude its moving,
its moving on its own.

We got some major
indexicles happening over here

with this item.

Everything in
this place is alive

and its touching
this entire house.

Are you getting this?

Hello, Jurgis.

You got a minute, huh?

Murph wouldn't hurt
a fly, would he?

This is all you.

Well I got some news for ya.

I got a team down
there right now.

You know what they're doing?

They're taking stuff and
they're putting it outside.

They're putting it
into a god damn bin.

And its gonna get
dragged to a land fill.

One thing at a time.

Oh look at this.


That thing over there, gone.

They're gonna clean it all up,

shine it all up.

Make it fucking purty.

But what's gonna
happen to Uncle Jurgis?


What's gonna happen
to you, buddy?

Oh I think you might
just slip away.

Buh bye!

Duke, help, Duke!

I'm trapped.



Can't take this shit
with ya, you know?

But I can.

Stop it.

What are you doing?

Stop it!

What are you doing?

Sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Oh fuck.

Just put it in.

All I need to do is fuck
up my back after today.

Fucking job from hell.

Bodies, fucking bird shit.

Holy fuck!

Jago, what the fuck
did you do now?



I'm fucking sick of this.

Out of my face.

The bizarre
lightness of Sheila's demeanor

illustrates a psychotic
break at the core

of this production.

Murph, please come back.

I'm done with this.

You've done nothing wrong.

You're the only normal person
in this whole fucking show.

I just don't get the point.

I know, we really
really messed up

but we're trying to fix things.

We need you back there.

Come and see what we did
with the Maitland house

and please come back.

Jago, are you down here?

Holy shit.

I found another dead body.

Somebody killed the bylaw guy.

Jago, are you down here?


Jesus motherfucking Christ.


Oh shit, Christ.

What the fuck?

The junk can move on its own.

Controlled by the uncle?

Or does it control him?

Dude, Ebe was totally right.

The uncle and the house have
a symbiotic relationship.

Chloe, I think
that this is real.

Like really real.

Like realer than anything
we've dealt with.

Oh, for sure.

Its 100% real but
the real question is

how much of this stuff was
bought from dead people?

Well all of it.

Yeah, all of it was
owned by dead people.

Its from estates,
its from auctions.

From Salvation Army sales.

Every piece of furniture,

every piece of clothing,

every item in this
house is a monkey's paw.

Cursed possessions.

Second hand hauntings.

Jesus, Caleb.


There are thousand
and thousand of entities

in this place.


That's too many.

What do we do?

They all reside
in Uncle Jurgis.

What about Murph?


He's too pure.

He's too simple to
be controlled by

but the uncle,
that's another story.

Right, right.

Yeah that's what I was thinking.

So what are we doing then?

What should we do?

I've never experienced
this before.

Have you?

You need to go downstairs

and you need to
kill Uncle Jurgis.



Use this.

That'll do.


Just kill him.

Yeah, you can do this.

You can do this.

I didn't sign up for this.

This is not a paranormal

I'm sorry.

I really do not want to do this,

you demonized
gruesome uncle but.

I really don't.

No, uh uh.



What are you doing here?


We should never have come here.

Its okay, its okay man.

I stole things and I
reduced the number of things.

Its this house, okay?

Its got a hold of you.

Okay its got a hold of...

Unknown to the showrunner

and her star, what was
once a struggle for purpose

is now a struggle
for life and death.

You ready?

Wow, this place looks amazing.

Yeah, its starting
to look bigger already.



Where the hells
everybody anyway?

They must be upstairs
waiting for us.

Let's go.


Get the fuck out of the way.

What the fuck is he doing?

He hasn't been out
of bed for 30 years.

Somebody sure pissed him off.

What do we do?

You crazy old bugger.

Back off.

Holy shit.


Ebe, thank god we found you.

Get out of the way!




You failed us, Murph.

You had one fucking
job and you failed it.

For fucks sakes, you failed.

How does it make you feel?


Want to see what I
got at the auction?

Well how'd you like that?

Hey, duchess.

Measure twice, cut once.

Die you fuck.

And I'm Maltese, bitch.

That's why they
call me the falcon.

That's a cut.

Lets get the fuck out of here.


Oh, Charles.

Oh fuck, let's
get out of here.

Go, go, go.

What are you still doing here?

Let's go.
Get the hell out of here.

What the fuck everybody,

what's wrong with you?

Go, go, keep it going.

Oh my god, there's no way out.


Fuck, how do we get out.


Fucking help us!

Help, help.

There's no way out of here.

Falcon, no.


Fuck you.

Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

Is the show over?

Yeah, the show is over.

What are you doing?

I knew this would
come in handy.

Hurry, quick.

There, you finish
the job, okay.

Are you okay?

Its over, its okay.

Following the
explosion and destruction

of the Maitland house,

Murph consolidated his
remaining properties

and opened an antique
store on main street.

We're back in
Rockford after 10 months

and I'm here with Murph Evans

who has completely
transformed his life.

He's sold some of his properties

and he was able to reinvest

in this beautiful antique store.

Something that him and
I designed together,

which was a very long process,

but so rewarding.

Its fantastic what we've
been able to do together

and I'm really
really proud of him.

You've done such an amazing job.

How do you feel, Murph?

Well I'm feeling just great.

I feel like a new man.

You helped me achieve my dreams,

all this stuff now, it can't
be called junk any more.

Its called either
treasures or merchandise,

and its all a credit to Sheila.

Thank you, Murph.