The Happiest Days of Your Life (1950) - full transcript

Excuse me, could you tell me
the way to Nutbourne College?

You must be the new English master!
Yes.

Richard Tassell.
My name's Billings. I teach Maths.

The carriage should be without.
Hello, Rainbow, old scout!

Aye, aye, sir. How was Mon Repos,
Southsea? Middling, sir.

This is mr. Tassell, the new English
master. Pleased to meet you.

Keep on the right side of Rainbow.

He runs the school
and knows the country.

Black-market whisky, butter, eggs,
anything at a price, right, Rainbow?

Times are difficult, sir.

Is this your first appointment?
Yes. Ex-service? Army.



Pond interviewed you, I suppose.
What did you make of him?

He seemed quite pleasant. He's bats.
You're going to loathe it here.

That's a fine way of
introducing me to it

Oh, I see you've been
putting in a spot of work...

...on the garden for
a change, Rainbow.

It's mr. Pond, sir. He's been on
at me and Edwin all the week.

"Clean this up. Paint that."

Hasn't given us a moment. Must be
expecting a gaggle of parents.

There are six cottages in the
village, a pub and a post office.

We are now entering the main hall
of the noble pile.

According to history,
it goes back to Henry VIII.

According to the bank,
it goes back to THEM,

unless Pond keeps up
with his payments.

Fine old staircase... Mmm....but
you have to climb it 20 times a day.



And this is the common room.
Haven from howling kids...

...and the back parlour
of our domestic life.

You'll find your evenings
here rollicking

Matthews - he's the second master -
plays a good hand of ecarte.

Joue here suffers from insomnia.

Takes French and he plays
backgammon...when he's awake.

I'll introduce you to him later.
What about you? What do you do?

Football pools.
I once won 30 bob.

It's led me astray ever since.

- What's that?
- Hyde-Brown.

Known to the natives as Whizzo.
He's the sports master.

He's the only chap who isn't
really affected by this place.

Oh, I'm sorry if I'm painting
a gloomy picture.

Oh, hello, Ramsden. This is Tassell,
the new English master.

- How do you do?
- How do you do?

He's the science master.
We call him the Ghost of Nutbourne.

Ha! How are you, Billings,
you jaundiced swine?

Oh, had the devil
of a journey.

Thought I'd never make it.
Nearly ran out of juice.

Must get old Rainbow to get
me some more petrol coupons.

Hello? Hello.
That you, Joan, dear?

Look, get me Ashfield 69.

I'm not going to pay what he asked
last term - seven bob a gallon.

This is Tassell, the new Englisher.
Victor Hyde-Brown.

Oh, how are you, old boy?
...Hello?

Hello? That you, Alf? Vic here.
Look, what won the 4.30?...Oh.

What was second and third?...Oh.
Did...Winter Cottage run?

Oh, thanks....Just my luck.

I say, Tassell, you can
have this cupboard.

What's that ass Pond been up to?

This place hasn't had
a coat of paint...

...since they took photographs
for the prospectus.

I say, you chaps, take
a butcher's at these.

This is a little job I ran across
in a joint in Montmartre.

She comes from Birkenhead actually.

The one with the advanced ideas -
that's Jeanne.

Won't you ever grow up?
I certainly hope not.

That's Yvette. What a scorcher.
It's I'amour, old man.

You'll gather Brownie is interested
in a wide variety of sports

There you are, Billings.
I expected you earlier.

You're not going to run
through the Second XV fixtures

or anything of that sort?
What is it?

I put a notice on the board.
Mr Tassell, I take it?

How do you do? How do you do?
I'm Matthews, the second master.

You'll find us a very
happy family here.

Since when?!
What is it on the board, Matty.

Really, it's only three yards. Mr.
Pond wants to go to tea today. Tea?!

That's the first time. What's the
idea? I haven't the remotest notion.

It's about 5.30 and
I saw mrs. Hampstead...

...going in with the tea
about two minutes ago.

We have no alternative
but to investigate...

...this strange phenomenon.
Let's go.

Oh, do you want...wary Willy?
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!

And before term's started. Monsieur
Joue. Wake up, Monsieur Joue.

Wake up! J'aurai,
tu auras, il aura...

He hasn't had Rainbow and
Edwin working for nothing.

If Pond's dishing
out a free bun fight,

...there's something
brewing apart from tea.

Maybe he's getting married
and wants to impress the lady.

The day Pond exchanges
a smile with a woman,

...I'll dance the hornpipe
naked on the village green.

And as for anything in this dump
impressing anyone...

Come in, gentlemen, please.

Excuse me. Tea is served.

Mr Tassell. Welcome to Nutbourne.
Delighted to have you join us.

My colleagues, I'm
sure, will tell you

all you need to know about
the school. Right, Billings?

Sit down, gentlemen, sit down.

Lend me a hand with the tea,
will you, Billings, please?

Well, I hope you all enjoyed your
vacations. Come in Matthews, Joue.

Here we are all once again
back in harness.

And I, for one, can say
that I'm...I'm not sorry.

Sit down, Ramsden.

Yes, it's 15 years almost
to the day since I first...

...Don't forget
the sugar, Billings.

15 years since I came here.

And I must say it's 15 years

that I shall look back on
with a very deepest affection.

There'll be many more
to look back upon

before you and Nutbourne
part company, sir.

I appreciate that sentiment,
Matthews.

But I'm afraid it's a...a pleasure
that may not be granted to me.

Oh, come, sir! Ha-ha, yes!
Are these crumpets? I don't know

As a matter of fact, that is why
I've asked you all to come here.

There is a distinct possibility that I
may be translated to a higher sphere.

Not your heart again, sir?

My heart is perfectly all right,
Billings.

No, I've been urged to consider
an appointment elsewhere. No, sir!

Yes, the headmastership of Harlingham.

But that's a decent school.
One of the majors.

This is a shock.
I hardly dare think

what would happen to
Nutbourne if you left.

It would be a tremendous wrench for me,
too, Matthews. Oh! Crumpets it is.

Plates, Billings.

But, Matthews, that the call of duty
comes before even that of affection.

And the call of duty would be
stronger at Harlingham, sir?

I have always felt that
the highest aim of a teacher...

...is to sow the seeds of knowledge
of ever wider, more fertile fields.

We're a comparatively
small school here, and...

...judging from recent examination
results, not abundantly fertile.

Give Joue his tea, will you,
Billings, please?

Which brings me to my second point.
The governors of Harlingham...

...will shortly be visiting here
to study my methods.

Then you haven't cornered
the job yet, sir?!

The problem is a mutual one,
Billings. Will Harlingham suit me?

Will I be equal to Harlingham?

Mmm, crumpets are nice, sir.
Thank you, Matthews.

I'm sure with your co-operation...

...and perhaps a little
a little extra effort,

...we can show the governors
of Harlingham...

...that our school is every
bit as good as... Ramsden.

Will you please sit down?

Oh, and bearing this in mind,

Mr Joue, do you think
you might contrive...

...to spend a little more
of the day with us?

Thank you, Joue. And you,
Billings...

Billings, do you think
you could devote...

...a little more of your time
to obtaining class results...

...and a little less to trying to
forecast the football variety, hmm?!

Good.

And talking of football, Hyde-Brown,
I seem to recall that last year,

our first XV lost 11 out of the 12
matches.

Might I suggest in
your case a little more of the coach,

...a little less of
the Coach and Horses?

Oh, I say, that's a bit of a reflection,
isn't it, sir? Come, come, come!

You mustn't think, gentlemen,
that I make these comments...

...in a spirit of carping criticism.

On the contrary.

Rainbow? Begging pardon, sir,

...would you mind telling me how
many new boys there is this term?

Rainbow, you know better than
to interrupt my conferences!

I gave you a note this morning.
We're expecting TWO.

You may be expecting two, sir.
You're going to get 102!

See mr. Matthews about it later and
go away now, please!...I'm sorry.

"217 trunks, 217 tuck boxes",
it says here.

"Invoice 7348", er...
"British Railways".

I'm not in the least concerned about
what the British Railways think it is.

It's a mistake. Take it away
and forget about it!

You can't hardly forget 217 trunks
and tuck boxes, sir.

This is worse than teaching
algebra to the remove.

It's only on paper, man. On paper!

Take a look a the drive, sir. Drive?!

217 trunks and tuck boxes! Uh!

217?! Good gracious!

And all correct too, sir.
I counted 'em.

This is what comes of nationalising
the railways.

The fellows don't know their LMS
from the Southern Region.

Instead of the ordinary muddle,
we've complete chaos.

You and Edwin will have
to send those trunks

...that don't belong to us
back to the station.

How do I know which don't belong?
Check the register.

If there's any clash about names,
you can tell by the initials.

Here we have a D Johnson. Now,
we have an A Johnson, but no...

But this is addressed
to "St Swithin's,

"Nutbourne College, Nutbourne, Hants".
There's another St Swithin's here, sir.

I suppose this isn't
some fourth-form prank?

I don't offer this as a solution,
sir, but a letter came this morning

addressed to the Secretary
of St Swithin's.

What did you do with it?

I marked it "unknown",
returned it to the Ministry.

The Ministry?! The Ministry wrote
to St Swithin's HERE? Yes, sir.

And you didn't open it?
Oh, no, of course not.

Excuse me, sir, but I may be able to
offer a helping hand here, sir. Oh?

You know the postman's supposed to
clear the box in the hall at midday?

Yes, well? Well, as a result of an
arrangement between him and me,

I've been in the habit of taking
the post to the village for him.

And today you haven't? Not yet,
but, er...I've got the key, sir.

I see. Then the GPO
don't receive the letters...

...until you hand them over in the
village post office. Er...pub, sir.

That poses a pretty problem as
to when exactly the letters...

...become the property
of the Post Office.

It's not a problem I intend
to go into too deeply.

"The attached form E.43 should also be
signed by a responsible representative...

...of the school whose premises
are being shared."

"Whose premises are being shared"?!

What on earth could have happened?
"Name of school to be re-evacuated..."

Re-evacuated?! What
on earth's re-evacuated?!

Someone's written against it
"St Swithin's". That's them.

"Destination Nutbourne College,
Hants." Us.

"Date of arrival, 17th September..."
Today.

But it can't! I mean, it can't!

I'll get on to this Government
department at once.

Whitehall 1312, please.

...If anyone should send a school
here without first consulting me -

...it's outside the bounds of
possibility. Shall I stop Rainbow

...taking that luggage to the station?
Certainly not. If the...

Hello, I want to speak to the Schools
Resettlement Department, please.

I beg your pardon?
But there must be somebody there.

Put me on to somebody somewhere
else.

Nobody?!

It's fantastic

It's absolutely fantastic

They've closed the office
and gone home.

So, at any moment, we
may expect 100 extra boys.

Well, I must talk
to Mrs Hampstead at once.

100 extra boys.
With staff, I presume.

Not even a postcard to let
us know they're coming.

Nothing we can do about it until
I talk to someone in the morning.

We've barely enough space
for our own boys.

You rang, sir. I did.

Mrs. Hampstead, you will prepare
to receive 217 boys. Pardon?

117 of our boys and 100
from another school.

I see. The...the other school will
remain for one night only.

Now, let me get this clear, sir.
I'm to expect 217 boys tonight?

That's right. There's only one way
to deal with a crisis like this.

First...
What are they going to eat?

Mmm? Well, they'll have
what we have, of course.

Well, if they have it, we won't.

Do you mind if we deal
with first things first?

With small boys - that comes first.

Where are they going to sleep?
There's no room in the dormitories,

...so...we'll have to find
somewhere else. At Harlingham,

I'll be dealing with far greater numbers
of boys. This might prove a blessing.

That's one way of looking at it!
Yes!

...Well, I propose we make
a tour of the school.

With a little application,
we can settle the whole problem.

Shall I get Rainbow to unload
those trunks? Oh, yes.

I'd forgotten all about them.
Come along, everybody.

Oh, Matthews, as to bedding,

we've all those straw palliasses
we used in summer camp.

I'll have Rainbow get 'em out.
Sir, while you're running around,

I'll slip down and break
the good news to cook.

Mrs Hampstead, we are faced
with an emergency.

I expect the staff to rise to it.
They'll rise all right Good.

Phew! I don't know how it's ever
going to get as far as the station.

No! How long did it take you
to load that lot?

Oh, 25 minutes.
Well, you've got a chance to beat it.

You've got to unload it again.

Huh? St Swithin's is coming
to stay for the night.

You're not speaking in earnest?
That's the strength of it, sorry.

Phew!

Somebody must have gone barmy.

100 bloomin' extra kids
first day of term!

Your turn to do the shoes.

The staff sleeping problem
presents some difficulties.

Whose room is this?
Hyde-Brown's and mine.

Pleasant little room.
Now, let's see,

...do you think we might put two more
beds in here, hmm? Any difficulties?

None, except how to get into bed.

You're not adopting a very
helpful attitude, Billings.

We're obliged to offer
the school our hospitality.

I suggest we do it with grace.

It's not too much to ask you to
share your rooms with the staff.

We won't find suitable
accommodation for their headmaster.

If you are looking to
me to give you a lead,

...Billings, I must say that
I should be only too glad...

...to share my room with my
opposite number in St Swithin's.

As I expected - an
ancient mausoleum.

Topping grounds for the Guides
and Brownies to muster in.

The mustering of the
Guides and Brownies...

...is not our only activity,
miss Gossage. No.

If there are any dorms
facings south,

Miss Jezzard, see that
our girls get them.

The infant animal needs space
to breathe and blow.

We could settle the
whole thing quickly...

...by sleeping the kids two in a bed.
End to end.

We've the parents to consider.

We must appear to give them
value for their money.

No, I'm afraid we must seek other fields
for St Swithin's. That's a thought. Mmm?

Fields, sir.

I'm quite sure, Hyde-Brown,
your ready wit...

...must make you exceedingly
popular in the fourth form.

Heavenly place.

I never heard of anything like it!

Mr. Pond may think
he's obliging someone,

...but he's not obliging US.
We're not slaves.

Nobody said you were.

The front door bell's ringing, Milly.
Oh, let it ring.

I shall speak to Mr
Hyde-Brown about this.

Evidently not on their toes.

We'll try our luck inside.

Well, a tap on that gong should
bring them from their burrows.

Yes, miss Whitchurch.

A tap, Gossage. I said a tap.

You're not introducing a film.

We're not getting on very fast,
gentlemen.

There are still 60 boys
to accommodate.

Matthews, find out
who's ringing that gong.

If it's one of the boys,
give him 100 lines.

There must be somewhere else.
Uh...

The attic.

We can't bumble around here all day.
...What's in there?

It's another sort of hall,
miss Whitchurch.

I seem to detect an odour
of last term's cottage pie.

A-hem.

Yes, well, when Rainbow
has cleaned all this up,

there ought to be room here
for about, ooh, 60 boys.

What about air, sir?
Air?! Oof!

Let me see now.
Well, if we open this skylight...

Mmm! Well, I daresay it will open.

And keep the hatch wide, there ought
to be a nice through draught.

I'm wondering more and more
what's in store for us, Gossage.

It's a perfectly ghoulish atmosphere.
The sunlight seems quite out of place.

No polish on the stairs or
banisters, and dust everywhere!

Whatever else they teach here,
it certainly isn't housecraft.

Are you in the habit of writing your
name all over the place, Gossage?

No, Miss Whitchurch. Then kindly
stop doing it at once.

Well, the mistresses'
common room, I assume.

Huh. Cold comfort farm
by all appearances!

And billiards!

How very strange.

No tips.

Huntin', shootin' and
fishin', it seems.

"Wetherby Pond, 1939".

But no mention of who caught it.

Probably bought at auction.

Boxing!

Self-defence, I suppose.
Well, doesn't surprise me...

...after reading the school motto.

No. Heavy smokers, too. No signs
of lipstick. That's astonishing.

Cards?!

The Racehorse?!

Gaming, nicotine, fisticuffs -

...we're moving in a
descending spiral of iniquity!

Ah! A woman's bookshelf is an
infallible guide to her character.

Oxford English Dictionary,

Dictionary Of Phrase And Fable,

The Diary Of Samuel Pepys - abridged.

Well, that's something
to be thankful for

What's up here? A-hem.

Memoirs Of Casanova.

Wasn't that the book we caught Jessica
James reading in the closet? Yes. Yes.

Decameron Nights.

Well, really!

Whatever else this establishment
may or may not be,

...it's clearly not a suitable place
to bring carefully nurtured girls to.

I should jolly well say not.

But what can we do about it?
We must tell the Ministry.

They got us into it.
They must get us out of it.

Well, that settles the sleeping
question. Now, it's the meals.

Cook will simply have to stagger them.
That shouldn't be difficult. Come along.

Rainbow can bring down the table
from the carpenter's shop.

What's this? "Gossage"?

Mmm? Some of the boys
starting to arrive?

Give the boy who wrote
his name there 50 lines.

"Gossage"?
I don't know any Gossages.

Maybe it's a St Swithin's kid.
Then give him 50 lines.

I'll not have their boys writing
their names all over our dust...

Who's that?

Er, little girl. Yes?

Who... Who are you? I mean, what do
you want? This is Nutbourne College.

That's right.
I just biked on ahead...

...with Miss Harper's things.
She's with the crocodile.

Crocodile?! What on earth's she talking
about? Who... Who's Miss Harper?

Miss Harper? Well, she's English
and history and jolly dee!

In fact, she's the only decent
mistress in St Swithin's.

St Swithin's?!
You don't mean to say...

...that yours is a school
of boys AND girls? Oh, no!

Only girls.

Does this mean, sir, that we
are to expect 100 young ladies?

It means not only have the
Ministry made a mistake...

...in sending a school here at all,

...but they've apparently been guilty
of an appalling sexual aberration.

I shall ask for the home number
of the man responsible.

If they refuse, I shall speak
to the Minister himself.

Do you know what this means, old boy?
Popsies, scores of them.

There are only two types
of school mistress, chum -

the battleaxe and the Amazon.

I bet you five bob they fall
into one class or the other.

The condition of the place
is indescribable.

Dust and dirt everywhere.

And the staff seem to match
their surroundings.

I've seen quite enough to know

...it's no place to bring
well-brought-up girls to...

I agree with that last statement.

Will you kindly remove yourself
from my chair, my telephone...

Sorry, I didn't catch what you said...

Will you kindly move
yourself from my telephone?!

Will you please refrain
from interfering?

I don't know who you are,

but I'm in the middle of a
conversation with the Ministry.

Ministry?! Hello? Give me that!
Will you desist at once, sir?!

You leave me no alternative.
How dare you, sir?

How dare YOU, madam?!

Hello, hello. This is
Wetherby Pond speaking,

...the headmaster
of Nutbourne College.

I don't know how much you know
about what's going on here,

...but I will not have a girls'
school on my premises,

...not for a single day,
not for a single hour, not...

I don't want your sympathy, man.
I want action.

I want these women removed
bag and baggage.

And I'm not putting
down this telephone...

...until I know what you're
going to do about it.

Have I made myself clear?

Oh, yeah, I understand.
But I think...

...you'd better have a word with
the guv'nor when he comes back.

Where is he? Eh? I think
he's stoking the boilers.

To whom am I talking?

Thank you.

You were speaking to the junior
assistant caretaker.

The Ministry is closed!

I take it you are some sort of
official in this girls' school.

I don't like your tone, my man.
I'll answer you...

...when you're in
possession of yourself.

Madam, I'm well able
to control myself.

Unaccustomed as I am to having
girls' schools thrust upon me,

...no doubt, in years to come,
I shall look upon this as amusing.

But I shan't. The only solution...

...is to send your girls back home
until the whole position is rectified.

Out of the question.
At least 50 of my girls...

...come from the colonies. St
Swithin's specialises in outposts.

I'm not at all concerned
where they come from!

It is impossible for
them to remain here.

It is equally impossible
for them to go elsewhere.

At any moment now,
they'll be arriving,

...hot and tired from their journey,
bursting for a hot bath

and peckish for their high tea.
By the way, a-hem,

...my name is Whitchurch. I am
Principal of St Swithin's.

Oh...

How do you...?
How do you do?

What's more, I make it
a rule that junior school...

...go up the wooden hill to
Bedfordshire at 6.30 sharp...

...with their milk and biscuits -
digestive. Have you digestive?

I don't know.

But if there are any,
they'll be eaten by my boys.

Oh, come now, it's no use
playing dog in the manger.

Let us face this squarely.

Which day do your boys arrive?
Today at 6.15,

hot, tired and peckish
for their high tea.

Yes, I see your problem.

I'm grateful for that.
We must don our thinking caps.

Madam, I'm not
donning anything.

Oh!

We've just been hurled
out of our common room...

By a bunch of ruffians.
One pulled me out of my chair.

Miss Whitchurch, you
realise where we are?

You don't imagine I've been here
indulging in social chit-chat.

Mr Pond, permit me
to introduce my staff.

No, no, no, no, no.
I don't want to appear rude,

but there's no point in meeting them
since they're not going to remain here.

But, madam, I am surprised that you
should ignore the domestic absurdity...

...of bringing 100 girls here.
There are feeding problems,

servant problems... There's no
problem there, sir. They're leaving.

< Left, right. Left, right. Left...

Oh, good egg! Here's comes our croc!

And there goes OURS.

Three years it's taken me to get a
good kitchen staff. What am I to do?

That's childishly simple. You forget you
have a girls' school with you. Forget

It will provide an absolutely
superb opportunity...

...for my advanced cookery
girls to show their paces.

No, madam, not that.

Not that! That's more than flesh
and blood can stand.

I'll go through purgatory with you,
but hell - no! Hell, no!

I owe you a dollar.

Thanks. We're in
for a whale of a time.

Morris dancing in the gym,
eurhythmics on the lawn...

Queues for the bathroom,
no smoking anywhere,

...and compulsory cocoa at 11.

I'm for a couple of voluntary
pints at the Coach and Horses...

...before the little beasts arrive.
Any takers?

I'll gladly stand anyone a pint
if they'll care to join me.

I'm a lifelong teetotaller,
but I'm almost inclined...

...to accept Brown's invitation.

I'm GOING to.

Is this right?

Yes, it's right. Press on.
Straight ahead. Let me...

This has cost me five bob.

Yes, cheap at the price.
Good afternoon. Good afternoon.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
That's quite all right. Allow me.

Thank you.

I'm Richard Tassell.
I teach English here.

So do I, but...
We'll have something in common!

I'm Victor Hyde-Brown,
sports master here.

Won't you sit down, Miss...?
Harper....Harper.

The rot's setting in. Cigarette?
Thank you.

I never expected anything like this.

How many mistresses have you?
Well, I, er...

I must talk to you, gentlemen.

We're in an unprecedented
predicament. Miss Harper - Mr Pond.

How do you do?
How do you do?

Your colleagues are in
the first door on the right.

May I leave my things here?
Yes, of course.

Who is he?
I'll explain later.

Hyde-Brown, will you
please close that door?

Thank you. Now, gentlemen, we are
faced with an appalling dilemma.

We have a wooden horse in our midst.

Possession is nine points of the law.

Our girls are in the hall, their boys
haven't arrived. Come in, Miss Harper.

Did you pass a long, bald-headed person?
You mean Pond?

He's in the common room.
Excellent.

We'll find out where their dormitories
are and take our girls there.

Ladies, you're facing
your supreme test.

Remember our netball cry.
Effort, St Swithin's, effort!

Quite so,
Miss Gossage.

If trespassers threaten your
property, you build fences. Hmm?

I propose we lock the dormitories.
Hear, hear!

But we must act before that female
spawns her young all over the building.

Billings, take the fourth-form
dormitory, and Hyde-Brown, the fifth.

And Matthews and Joue,
the third and the sixth.

Have you got a key to
the common room, sir?

We don't have to lock
this room, Billings?

No, and we can't UNLOCK it
unless you've got a key.

Is this a practical joke?
The key's on the outside.

This is the last straw.

Come along now. Hurry up!
We've got plenty to do.

Stand by, Tennyson, Longfellow.

Miss Armstrong, as quick as you can.
No time to lose.

The honour of Nutbourne is at stake.
All right. I'll have a go,

...but it's not much use
unlocking the stable door...

...after the horses
have got there first.

What's happening up there?
Hey, look out, sir!

Gosh, it's old Whizzo!
Hey, Whizzo!

That's it, Hyde-Brown.
That's it. Press on.

That's it. You're almost there.

You're doing splendidly, Hyde-Brown.

Don't look down!

Carry on....Go in at once, you boys.
Go straight upstairs...

...to your dormitories and
stay there till I call you.

Any boy left hanging about
will get 500 lines.

Now, then, one leap
and you've done it.

Now, Tennyson and Longfellow,
settle down as quickly as you can.

I'll have their trunks sent up
in a few minutes. Very well.

Not in here, Miss Gossage.
Follow me, Milton and Browning.

Quick as you can.
No dawdling.

I say, Talbot, there's
girls in our dormitory.

Girls?! Where?!
Hundreds of them.

They're everywhere.
Have you gone potty?

What are you talking about?
Go and see for yourself.

They're all over the place.
He's right. There are.

That's what I've been trying
to tell them. Let's see.

This way, Milton and Browning.

Come along, girls. Come along.

I realise it's not quite what you're
accustomed to.

What's that?
There's trouble already.

It's something in Tennyson.
Let's go and see at once.

Oh!

You must stop! You must stop!
You must...

Aren't you going to stop them, sir?
There are times, I think,

when little boys should be seen
but not interrupted. Come.

Where am I? The French master's bed.

Madam, I...

Really, this is too much.

I give up my bedroom to you,

only to find my clothes
flung all over the place.

Look, madam, where are
my shirts and underwear?

In the filing cabinet.

It's no use telephoning the Ministry.

There won't be anybody
there before ten o'clock.

It's rough and ready, Jezzard,
but it'll serve. Yes.

Thank you. There we are. Now we'd better
see how they're faring in the kitchen.

Breakfast is at eight sharp,
so don't loiter.

Good morning, girls.
Morning, Miss Whitchurch.

Everything shipshape and Bristol
fashion? Yes, Miss Whitchurch.

The fishcakes are ready, but
there's a hold-up with the porridge.

Why? I had to throw one lot away.
Oh, that'll never do.

Now, Angela, you've made porridge
before. Yes, but no-one had to eat it.

That's a defeatist attitude, my dear.
Stir it well and don't shilly-shally.

Now, now, now, Mary!

You know better than to make tea
in that haphazard fashion.

How many people
are you making it for? 233.

Then put in 233 teaspoonsful

and one...
well, perhaps two for the pot.

One...

two...

I understand your fishcakes are ready,
Alice. For the past 20 minutes.

I don't want any temperament,
my dear. What did you put in them?

Or shouldn't I ask?

Anyway, they smell delicious.
They've gone hard.

Never mind. I don't suppose hungry
little tummies will notice that.

They will afterwards.

28...

29...

130...

These little adventures break
the monotony of school life.

I love monotony.

Oh.

Morning, Mr Pond.

Oh.

I'll just have tea and toast today.

It's five past eight.

There's been a slight hiatus with
the porridge. Shall we move in?

What form of grace do you say here?

Well, I usually ask that
we should be grateful

for what we're about to receive.

Please, sir, I don't want any more.

No, sir.

Oh, very well.

It's still Arkwright, but he's trying
to put me on to a Mr Tripp.

Apparently Mr Bullock got
the papers from Mr Forrester.

He passed them on to Mr Arkwright
who passed them on to Mr Tripp.

We've got to sit here while
they keep on passing around...

The girls must write home, Miss
Gossage. Rely on their discretion.

The younger girls are the trouble,
Miss Whitchurch.

Monica Redfern wrote, "Dear Mummy,
I'm having an exciting time.

"We've been sent to a boys' school by
mistake." That's a statement of fact.

"Everybody's having lots of fun.

"The mistresses are sharing
the masters' rooms." Ah, yes.

I see what you mean.

Well, we must institute
a system of censorship at once.

Yes, Miss Whitchurch. I advise you
to take similar steps, Mr Pond.

We have a bond of trust
here at Nutbourne,

...the boys and I,
which is never abused.

Yes, Billings?
I caught young Sutton posting this.

There's nothing against the boys
sending parcels home. What is it?

A fishcake. And Sutton's father
is an analytical chemist.

There's a note inside which reads,
"Dear Dad, our breakfast.

"Get weaving. Reg."

THUD

Well, I suppose
we all have black sheep.

Want me to skim
through the rest of the flock?

Yes. I suggest you get together
with this lady.

Hello, is that Mr Tripp?
Mr Tripp! It is?

Good... Mr Tripp?

Mr Pond. I take it Mr
Arkwright has told you...

...what Mr Bullock told him
I told Mr Forrester?

Yes, I'm acquainted with the facts.
I just can't think how it occurred.

...I wouldn't like to promise that.
It'll take a little while.

You're not an approved school,
by any chance?

I'll do everything I can to
expedite matters. Good morning.

Will these little blighters
never stop writing home?

I can't pass one in ten of these.

No, nor can I.

Still, you know, I do think it's
been heaps of fun working together.

It has, hasn't it?
Not my idea of fun, Miss Gossage.

Call me Sausage.

"That which we call a rose, by any
other name would smell as sweet..."

Thank you, Betty. Does anyone
know the Good Night passage?

I do, Miss Harper.
Very well, Barbara.

Where shall I start, Miss Harper?

From "Well, do not swear."

"Well, do not swear, although I..."

Oh, do you think I might borrow
another duster, Miss Harper?

I mislaid the last one.
That's the fifth in three days.

As many as that? The children will
begin to misconstrue your intentions.

Misconstrue? One or two
seem to be doing so already.

Barbara, don't stand staring,
carry on.

"I have no joy of
this contract tonight...

It is too rash, too unadvised,
too sudden...

Too like the lightning
which doth cease to be..."

"E'er one can say, 'It lightens'
Sweet, good night...

This bud of love...
By summer's ripening breath...

May prove a beauteous flower
when next we meet.

Good night, good night!"

Make it good morning and return
to your class, Mr Tassell.

Well, I...I haven't got a class,
Miss Whitchurch.

Then don't interrupt ours. I made it
perfectly plain on the noticeboard

that there was to be
no interschool poodle-faking.

And while I...

Well, really!

The starboard engine
had gone for a burton,

...and there was I upside down
with nothing on the clock.

So I just pressed on.

You must have had a
gorgeously exciting time of it.

Oh! I'd simply have adored
to see you in your uniform.

Well, I looked much the same
as the rest of the bunch.

I say, you girls are bang-on for 17.

Mr Brown, what are you doing
with my seniors?

I was just showing them the petunias.
Jolly good display this year.

A bit past their best, of course.
Will you leave us this minute?

I was only giving them a few hints,
facts of nature, nothing else.

You girls get back to your
indoor botany at once.

I know it's slightly distracting
to have to work in the hall,

but we must try and profit
through adversity.

We'll choose a phrase at random,
and let us see if we can analyse it.

Morning, boys.
Morning, miss Whitchurch.

We'll take a phrase...
Please, Mr Pond,

...ask your masters not to consort
with my staff and girls.

And I think it advisable
to alter the curriculum...

...to cut out the biology classes.

Let us analyse that excellent
phrase of John Knox's,

"The first blast of the trumpet...

...against the monstrous
regiment of women."

That's enough.

The verb in this case is understood.

Like... Like some other things.

So we may take it that
the sentence runs,

"This IS the first
blast of the trumpet."

et cetera, et cetera.

This - the subject. Is - the verb.
Everyone paying attention?

Yes, sir.
Very well.

Talbot! Sir. Take 100 lines.

Yes, sir.

How are we to deal
with the rest of the...?

What about the object?
Good morning. Good morning.

Can any boy tell me
what is the object...

I have called on behalf of Miss
Winston......in this particular case?

Whose bed is that
and where are you taking it?

It belonged to the late cook, sir.

Miss W says Miss J's to have it.

We'll see about that.
Take it to my study at once.

I'm sure Mr Pond will listen
to reason if I can speak to him.

He's teaching, I tell you.
You don't seem to realise...

What is the object?
Up your end, Edwin.

What is the object...? Mr Pond...

What's the use? I might as well
try to teach in Waterloo station.

There's a lady at the door,
sir, wanting to know...

...if you'll vote for miss
Winston in the election.

Mrs Hampstead, tell your lady
that if there is a male candidate,

whether he's Conservative,
socialist, communist or anarchist,

...or, for that matter, Liberal,

...he will have my vote.
- That's what I thought, sir.

There is NO object in this at all,
so let us take the word "trumpet".

It's no use hanging back
like that, Margaret.

It'll only be the worse for you.

What do you propose
we ought to do with "trumpet"?

Margaret, you mustn't think just
because you're in a school like this

...that you can behave as you please.

I repeat -

...what do you propose
we ought to do with "trumpet"?

Talbot, another hundred lines.

Higher, I said higher!

Oh! You wait here.

Now, report to Miss Armstrong
at once.

All right, let us leave "trumpet"
and think of "blast".

Blast, somebody!

BLAST, ANYBODY!

As a young man,

I studied yogi for a brief period.

It has enabled me to bear
with fortitude this situation...

...which otherwise I could never
have endured. Poppycock!

Please let me finish.

But yogi or no yogi,

...I am determined not to allow
the situation to deteriorate further,

...if that were possible.
Good afternoon, Mr Tripp.

Mr Tripp, since you have
apparently done nothing...

...to rectify this state of affairs here,

...I intend to visit the Ministry
this afternoon to see Mr Forrester.

I'm not in the least concerned
about an appointment.

If Mr Forrester will not see me,
I'll speak to my MP.

He's probably playing golf.

Matthews, will you ask Rainbow
to get me a taxi, please?

Can I have a word, Miss Whitchurch?

What is it, Miss Jezzard?
This porter.

He refuses to take orders from me.

I just want to know where I stand.

Every time I ask him to do anything,
he says he's too busy.

She says I'm to take the brake to the
station, and Mr Hyde-Brown says...

...I'm to mark out the 2nd XV pitch.
Now which is it to be?

Will you tell him or shall I?

Very well, sir,
it's all I want to know.

Just a moment, Rainbow.

I shall consider these requests
entirely on their merits.

That's right, haver about.

Why has the brake
to go to the station?

To meet parents off the 3
o'clock train. Whose parents?

Ours. Ours?

Ridiculous.
You invited them yourself.

Mr and Mrs Parry, Mrs Jones,
and Mr and Mrs Ibbertson.

They were nervous about
what sort of school this was,

so you said they could come down
and see for themselves.

Why didn't you remind me?
We must stop it at once.

Stopping the 3 o'clock
will be too much even for you.

It's out of the question
having the parents here

with this man and his rabble around.

It had occurred to me...

Nothing ever occurs to you
or they wouldn't be coming.

When they see we're sharing a boys'
school, they'll withdraw their children.

Before we know where we are,
we shall have no school left.

That will solve the problem. This
is no time for prep school repartee.

Thinking caps. Thinking caps.

I have it! You must remove
your boys for the afternoon.

Remove my boys?

From my own school?!

Mr Pond, for the past six days,

we have been living together with a
fair measure of harmony... Harmony?!

With your shrieking progeny
everywhere!

I'm completely unmoved by your
plight, madam. I don't give a fig.

Mr Matthews, Miss Jezzard, would you
be good enough to wait outside?

And take the porter with you.

There is talk in the common room...

...that you are seeking an appointment
as headmaster of Harlingham.

What has that got to do
with removing my boys?

I thought you might like to know...

...that I'm acquainted with one
of the governors of that school.

Oh, madam, I should not consider a
recommendation from you an advantage.

I wasn't thinking
of a recommendation.

You were trying to coerce me
with threats, madam?

The law takes a serious view of that.

Have you the temerity to suggest
that I'm trying to blackmail you?!

I shall merely make
a factual report.

I see.

There appear to be no depths to
which you are not prepared to sink.

If you have nothing to add
but idle abuse,

shall we recall Miss Jezzard
and Mr Matthews and lay our plans?

Run! Run!

What on earth's going on
with the goalposts?

The school's got to beat it
to the swimming baths.

What? Some of the girls' parents
are visiting.

There's to be no sign that the
shadow of man has crossed here.

How long's this to last?
Matinee performance only.

Oh, look, there they are.

Group dancing.

Yeah. Two guineas extra. We know.

Mrs Ibbertson is wearing that white
hat she wore in the summer.

This is no time for tittle-tattle.

How do you do, Mrs Ibbertson?
So nice to see you. Miss Jezzard.

...How do you do, Mrs Jones?
A delightful spot. Yes.

...How do you do, Mr Parry?
How do you do?

Tea will be laid in the study.
A gracious old hall, don't you think?

Yes. Still it must be trying
to share a school.

We are getting on nicely considering.

A certain amount of
hugger-mugger, of course.

Is there any difference in
class with the other school?

Not so much of class as of outlook.

I think I'll show you
the dining hall first.

I hope you don't let the girls
mix too much. Not if I can help it.

This dining hall is a gem in its way.

Of course, it's rather a squeeze
when they're all here.

But we stagger most of the meals.

"Guard thine honour"?
The Nutbourne school motto.

In my young day, such things
were taken for granted.

Well, the place goes back
to Henry VIII.

They tell me this part of
the building used to be a barn...

...before they rebuilt it. Well...

what about pottering upstairs? I'm
sure a cup of tea would be welcome.

It would indeed. And then to the fray
like giants refreshed. Off we go.

I understand Henry built it
for Anne Boleyn,

...but she was beheaded
before she could move in.

Such an unlucky woman,
don't you think?

Shall we see the other school?
They've gone on an all-day ramble.

I wish you could have seen
us working in tandem.

No, that's the common room.
What a snug retreat!

Yes, it is rather nice.

A bit on the small side for
our two staffs, but it serves.

Looks out onto the grounds.
May I? Of course.

Oh! There's nothing much to see,
I'm afraid. Quite an attractive view.

Yes, isn't it? They tell me you
can see the sea on a clear day.

Nutbourne must be a
rather unusual school.

Surely they're not in favour
of blood sports?

Oh, I gather that was a present
from somebody's aunt.

Just a minute....Excuse me.
It's that stupid village newsagent.

I ordered The Lady,
and he sent Men Only.

Shall we be getting along
to my study now?

What on earth are these doing here?!

Well, this is Janet Hackett, who won
the 220 yards breaststroke in 1946.

And this is Evelyn Forbes, who won
the 100 yards freestyle in 1947.

And...

this is Frieda Harris, our
champion Morris dancer

caught in mid-action.
I think that's all.

Telegram for Mr Pond.
I thought it might be important.

Better open it.
I'm second master.

If anyone's going to open it...
Oh, shut up.

I say, this is
the absolute penultimate.

The governors of Harlingham
are coming here today. But... Here.

He did say they were coming.
But he couldn't have known when.

He'll never be headmaster
of Harlingham now.

You don't need a crystal
to tell you that.

He will remain here then. For life.
You realise what that means?

What are we to do? We must put
the school back and get Pond back.

What time is his train?
3.15. 10 minutes.

Get rid of the girls,
I'll go to the station.

There's Pond.
Good afternoon, Mr Pond.

I thought you might not
have received our telegram.

Dr Collet wanted it to
be a surprise visit,

but I told him that would not be fair.

Just didn't want anything
specially laid on.

I wanted to see the school
in normal conditions.

So would I.

Yes, so would I.

So you shall.

Well, well, well, how do you do,
gentlemen? Welcome to Nutbourne.

Just that your telegram
scarcely left me enough time

to make the necessary arrangements
for your...reception.

Will you excuse me one moment while
I see what's happened to the taxi?

Thank heavens you're still here.

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, this is Mr Billings,
my maths master.

He very thoughtfully brought
the school brake along.

...Thank you. That's all right, sir.

It was not our intention to disrupt
the school work. On the contrary.

I can't imagine Mr Billings has left
the boys without problems to solve.

That so, Billings? Yes, sir. I imagine
they'll take a while to clear them up.

Yes.

No doubt.

Well, there's no hurry. We want to
catch the last train back, Mr Pond.

Beautiful country round here,
isn't it?

Yes, but as I said, we want
to catch the last train back.

You can do that
but there's plenty of time to spare.

I do love this part of the country.
Delightful.

Which...way are you going, Billings?

Through Fairhurst and Upper Dudley
and Lower Dudley and Braxton.

The short way. That's right,
Billings, the short way.

I ask no more for youth than space
and air and freedom from distraction.

I'm glad to hear that,
Miss Whitchurch.

Cynthia has reached the difficult
age. Angela's just the same.

I'm sure Miss Whitchurch grasps
the dangers of adolescence.

Firmly, in both hands, if I may say so.

Shall I answer it? Please do.

With all the discoveries
of modern science these days,

it is possible to...to...climb
to its topmost branches... What?

A Mr Hartley of the Ministry. Tell
him we'll ring him back in an hour.

I wonder if you'd mind if we rang
back. You see... I beg your pardon?

Just wondering how
we're settling down, I expect.

Now, let me see...where were we?

Uh... Oh, yes! It is possible
to climb to its topmost branches

and select the fruit where we will.
Are you sure you can't?

Oh, dear. I said we'd ring him back.

He's going out. He wants to know
if we're still in trouble.

I haven't the remotest idea what he's
talking about. We're perfectly happy.

No, we're all right,
thank you very much.

Good afternoon.

Where was I?

Up the tree. Oh, yes!

Well, I do think it's a jolly rotten
show. Not a word of explanation...

We'll explain later.
Well, it's not fair.

Now look...! Where are you going
with our goalposts?

Honestly!

I thought you said the school was
a mere five minutes from the station.

In terms of jet propulsion
It said Nutbourne down there.

We've a first-class rugger team at
Harlingham. What shape's yours in?

It varies.

Very pleasant outlook here.

Uninterrupted too,
the estate agents say.

Mr Tassell, I'm all for team spirit
and I don't want to rock the boat,

but I can't keep my girls
cooped up here all afternoon.

Well, just hold on a minute.

Ah, Matthews.

This is Mr Matthews,
my most able second-in-command.

Mr Angus McNally, Dr Collet...
How do you do, sir?

...and Reverend James Rich. Well,
gentlemen, shall we go inside?

Here we are. This is the oldest part of
the school. It goes back to Henry VIII.

Anyone in the dining hall? No, sir.

Well, Billings, perhaps you'll show
it to these gentlemen.

Matthews and I will see about
refreshment. After you, gentlemen.

What happened? I'm sorry, sir.
We did what we could in the time.

We got the girls out
the playing field.

Where are the rest of them?
Still here, I'm afraid.

Miss Whitchurch is having tea with
the parents in her study. HER study?

YOUR study, sir.
She won't be for long.

There's simply no holding Byron
at lacrosse this term,

so Tennyson and Shelley
are going to stop the rot.

When you've finished your tea,
we'll see how the battle is faring.

The sun's very gay this afternoon.

Another cup of tea, Mr Ibbertson?

Miss Whitchurch,
I must speak to you at once.

Oh, Doctor, if it's about
that little protuberance

on Cecilia Watson's neck,
I'll see you in the common room.

If you don't mind, Doctor.
Excuse me, won't you?

I hardly think buns
and protuberances mix.

How dare you burst in there,

jeopardising my position
in that reckless fashion?

I don't care what you have to say.

Do I have to remind you about
the governors of Harlingham? No.

They are in the dining hall,
here to see the school.

They've shut Shelley, Tennyson
and Byron in the pav.

Shut your other brats with them,

I'm bringing my boys back from the
swimming pool at once. Quiet.

My parents will hear you. Your
parents can go and... Mr Pond!

I don't want the whole building
involved in the brouhaha.

We'll thrash this out
in the common room.

1931 was a vintage year, as you see.

Three scholarships to Oxford, two
to Cambridge. Before Pond, I imagine.

It's no use brandishing governors.

One look at what's going on, and my
chances of Harlingham are ruined.

I'll have to establish myself
as a victim of circumstances.

Ramsden, tell Mr Matthews
to have the boys

brought back from the
swimming pool at once.

So that's where they are.

My mind is made up on one thing,
Miss Whitchurch.

If I sink, you sink with me.

Don't act as if next week will do,
man!

Wait!

Why should we sink, Mr Pond?

If we keep our wits, we can still
come through with flying colours.

Let us examine this problem calmly.

Miss Whitchurch, the governors
are in the dining hall.

And my parents are in the study.

Both parties wish to tour the school.
Very well, so they shall.

But never the twain shall meet.

What will happen when the governors
meet a swarm on girls? They mustn't.

The governors must only see boys,
the parents girls.

We'll have two conducted tours...

...going clockwise or anticlockwise,
as the case may be.

It's no use being lily-livered.

If one party leaves five
minutes after the other,

...we'll have time
to interchange classes.

It'll have to be a miracle of timing.

If both parties follow
the same course.

If you want my opinion,
the whole thing's imposs.

We don't want your opinion.
Thank you, Miss Gossage.

Every single boy and girl
would have to co-operate. Yes.

That would mean Doris, Cynthia
and Pamela deceiving their parents.

A half holiday will cure that.

Where's your child psychology?
That's not the school spirit.

Don't talk to mr. Pond
like that, Gossage.

Thank you, miss Whitchurch.

Kindly leave these
arrangements to us.

What exactly do you
envisage, miss Whitchurch?

Well, if I take my parents
to see the school museum,

...while you bring your governors
to tea in the study,

...that will give us time
to set the stage. Yes.

Now, let us swiftly plot the
itinerary. Please, allow me.

Thank you, Mr Pond.

Now, this must be
very exactly timed.

Shall we first synchronise
our watches? Excellent.

I'm not a complaining man, Maude,
but take these rugby posts.

It's an annual job
that I don't look forward to,

...but today we've had 'em up,
taken 'em down and had 'em up again!

Now you've to take them down again.

Tea for four in the study,
Mrs Hampstead.

I think everyone's gone
absolutely batty.

The governors of Harlingham
have arrived. What? But...

Don't argue, get the boys
back to school. BLOWS WHISTLE

We'll just have a quick cup,
then start on our travels.

Priscilla Johnson was
romping in a haystack...

...when that Bastard
Purple alighted on her.

She had him in the killing bottle
in a flash.

Here they come, girls.
Onto the field again. Buck up!

Hurrah!

Well, I think that exhausts
the butterflies.

Shall we start out tour
of the classrooms?

It's always been my view
that too much...

Is that a rugby game? No.

Short blast. Too much concentration
on examinations makes boys sluggish.

Good afternoon, girls.
You may sit down.

Good afternoon, Miss Harper.
Good afternoon, Miss Whitchurch.

This is the sixth form.
They're taking French history.

It'll be Louis XIII.
There's Angela.

Could we have a word with Angela?

If you wish.
Angela Parry, you may fall out.

Hello, Mumsy.

Hello, Pop. Hello, Angela.
It's good to see you.

Your parents want to know
how you like the school,

...but don't commit yourself
unless you've made up your mind.

Oh, I have. I think it's an absolute
scorcher! I never dreamt...

How's your history progressing,
Angela?

She's always been weak on dates.

Not this term, Pop. What are you
up to at the moment, Angela?

Oh, nothing, Mumsy.

If they've been telling you
about Archie Brown... Archie...

Archibald Brown, in
case you didn't know,

...was the man who held
the torch for Guy Fawkes.

I've been running them over
the "backroom boys" of history.

Get back to your class now, Angela.
Say goodbye to your parents.

Bye, Mumsy. Bye, Pop. Goodbye, dear.
Goodbye, Angela. That's right.

Come along, everybody.
Such a charming child.

A great favourite with the other girls.
A pity she's leaving this term.

Oh, to the right now, Mrs Ibbertson.

OK.

All clear. Away with the first party.

Right, move one pace forward. March.

Now, at the double.

Surely they'll find out about this.
- Ours is not to reason why.

If they do, we'll have to find
fresh posts tomorrow.

We'll have to apply for a job
at a progressive school...

...where the kids throw inkpots!
It'll be a rest after this.

That must be the start of the game.

No, no, no, no, three,
three short blasts for that.

Well now, gentlemen,
if you're finished with your tea,

...perhaps we can start on our
little circumambulation.

Now we're going to see
the miming class.

They're doing the
death of Charles I.

The one with the crown is the king.
Couldn't we go in and watch?

Well, perhaps for a few minutes.

But no talking. It's an iron rule
with the miming class.

Good afternoon, boys.

Good afternoon, Mr Tassell.
Sit down, boys.

Gentlemen, they're taking English.

Carry on, Mr Tassell.

As I was saying, a mixed
metaphor is an expression

in which two or three
metaphors are confused.

Could the boys give an example?

I'd like to see what they know.
Certainly. Metcalf,

would you give us an example
of a mixed metaphor?

Playing with fire.
Skating on thin ice.

And if anything happens
to upset the applecart,

...someone is going to lose
his bread and butter.

Very good, Metcalf. Sit down.

They seem quite bright. Yes.

That satisfies me.
Shall we move on?

Gentlemen, wouldn't you like
to hear a little onomatopoeia?

They're good at onomatopoeia.

What did you say your name was?
Metcalf, sir. Metcalf.

To your right, gentlemen,
to your right.

Down, girls, away you go.

Come along, Jennifer, no loitering.

The school curriculum,
I'll explain it quite briefly.

We don't want to know
about the curriculum.

We want a picture of the
way the school is running.

Who on earth was that? Little Lucy,
the housekeeper's daughter.

The rascal's not allowed upstairs.
I'll have to speak to Mrs Hampstead.

Gentlemen, shall we make history?

It's a maze of corridors
around here.

This way, if you please.
Round the corner.

We'll have to hurry to see the
dressmaking class before break.

The middle third are leading the school
with their underwear this term.

The upper fifth are taking
William of Orange.

We needn't bother with that.
I don't think so.

Not William of Orange? I'd rather
see the rugger. So you shall.

We've got to see other things first.

They skipped the upper fifth.
They're catching up. Run!

Quite an impressive collection
of nether garments, Miss Curtis.

I think we'd better pass on now.

I don't want you to miss
the choir's rendering...

...of Nymphs And Shepherds,
Come Away.

Thank you, Miss Curtis.
Come along, or we shall be too late.

Edward, please, you simply must
look at these etchings.

This particular one...
Very interesting, I'm sure,

...but hardly what we came to see.
Where do we go from here?

Oh, let me see.

Yes, I think we might risk
a little theoretical physics.

Quiet, boys, quiet.
Get that stuff out of sight.

We seem to be doing a lot
of padding round, don't we?

Oh, how stupid of me!

The physics class is first
right and first right again.

15 years here and I don't
know my own way yet!

They've gone down the wrong corridor.
Gosh, that's torn it!

Nymphs And Shepherds
should be accompanied...

...by a recorder and a harpsichord.
What is it, dear?

They've gone the wrong way.

Don't bother me now, Alice.
Unpick it and start again.

She's such a panicky child. She
never manages blackberry stitches.

Oh, we've plenty of
cupboard accommodation.

Oh, I should have known
they were there. I'm so sorry.

A mistake at the sports shop.
They sent the wrong sort.

This is indeed circumambulation.

Pack them all in, Helen.

Oh, we're almost there, gentlemen.

Good heavens! Who did that?
That reminds me. I'm afraid it would.

All in good time, Doctor.
I'll inquire into this later.

Now...

Good afternoon, boys. Sit down.

Mr Ramsden. This is the middle fifth.

They're fairly advanced with
their physics, I'm happy to say.

Electronics? Well...
What the devil's this?

Has the dressmaking class been here?

Many boys go into the navy.
We had a request from the Admiralty...

...that they should mend
their own clothes.

Yes, but this is crepe de Chine
underwear. Huh! Lucky to get it!

Very, very lucky indeed!

#...In these groves
Let's sport and play

# Let's sport and play
Let's sport and play

# For this is Flora's holiday

# This is Flora's holiday

# This is Flora's holiday... #
There's Angela again.

Fancy! There must have been a quick
changeover while we came upstairs.

I'm sorry we couldn't stay longer.

# Your flocks may now
Now, now, now

# Now, now, now
Now, now, now

# Securely rove... #

I love listening to boy
sopranos, don't you?

Sometimes it's impossible to
distinguish them from girls.

# Where have you been all the
day Billy boy, Billy boy?

# Where have you been all the day
My Billy boy...? #

I believe in contrast too. I'm for
developing musical appreciation.

We don't want to be bothered
by this, Dr Collins. What?

No, I suppose not.
I'd rather like to.

No, I thought not. I'd like you to
look into the sick room a moment.

I'm more interested in the fit.

What about the rugger?
Immediately afterwards.

To the right, then up the stairs.

We haven't had many
people in the sick room.

I think the air must agree with them.

It's nice to have the sick room

at the top of the house.
So much more air.

We mustn't stop long.
Good afternoon, dears.

Good afternoon, Miss Whitchurch.

I mustn't let you pick
up germs,

...or the doctor will be on my track.
Now the gymnasium.

To your right and downstairs.

I hate to be a nuisance, but I'm
most anxious to see the lacrosse.

Yes, Mrs Jones, we'll
see what we can do.

You'll be delighted
with the gym display.

Pleasant little gym, isn't it?

Why, there's Angela again.

Yes, the child's quite ubiquitous.

Miss Harper.
(It should be rugby now,

...but tell Miss Gossage to lay
on lacrosse in five minutes.)

Very good. Thank you.

Gossy, you're to get the girls back
on the field with lacrosse again.

But they've just started rugger
again. Miss Whitchurch's orders.

All right, girls, back on the field.

Here we are.

Nothing much wrong with
the patients, I'm glad to say.

Now for the gym.

Just time for a quick
look at the garden,

then to the lacrosse, eh, mrs. Jones?
Thank you. Left here.

Come on, girls, out!

Right, boys, on the mat, quickly!

Down.

Change round.

I've got a special display
laid on for you.

They're coming. Here...

This way, gentlemen,

...the boys are very keen.

Good, good. Very good, Tassell.

Yes, there's nothing like plenty
of good, healthy exercise.

Don't you agree, Doctor?

Where's dr. Collet?

Where's dr. Collet?!

Good afternoon.
Could you tell me...

...where I can find Miss Whitchurch?
I've never heard of her.

Dr. Collet! Where's dr. Collet?

Dr. Collet!

Oh! Oh!

Mr Pond! We're waiting
for an explanation, Mr Pond.

Can't you see I'm thinking of one?
Never mind, I'll show you something.

Take a look at that.

What on earth?!

We won seven matches last term
and hope to do even better this term.

That's bad.

Come on, girls, tackle him low.
Get him down.

Stop it! Hold him, hold him!

Stop it, Gossage. Stop it.

That's ghastly.

Lacrosse.

La-double-cross.

It's unbelievable.
It's monstrous!

Excuse me, you're
Mr Pond, I believe.

My name is West,
regional officer of the Ministry.

I've been instructed to
deal with this matter.

Most unfortunate, but I think
I've found the solution.

You are a co-educational school,
I believe.

Well, I've arranged for
another co-education school

to replace St Swithin's
next Wednesday.

What, another school? It looks
as if they're ahead of schedule.

Have you the faintest idea
what's going on? No, dear.

I have a brother who grows
groundnuts in Tanganyika.

He writes that there are
splendid opportunities...

...for education
among the natives.

Oh, madam, I'm amenable
to any suggestion.