The Great Unwashed (2017) - full transcript

[Soft music plays]

[Music playing]

♪ Just the drums

♪ cool, yeah, that's good.

♪ Wake me and my
head is spinning ♪

♪ wake me and my
eyes are dead♪

♪ wake me on a
Monday morning ♪

♪ my head will still
remain in bed ♪

♪ wake me when
the sun is shining ♪

♪ I wish that it
would fade to black ♪

♪ if you wake me from a dream
where I can be anything ♪



♪ there's no way
I'm going back ♪

♪ when the day
is going slowly ♪

♪ I get down on
my knees and pray ♪

♪ I pray for the moon
to replace the sun ♪

♪ and into my bed I lay

♪ if I had my one wish
granted the night time-- ♪

[Screams]

[Whistling]

[Screams]

[Screams]

[Screams]

Ah-hah. Ah.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.



[Screams]

Look, if I had
any other options,

I would be pursuing them.

Trust me.

You know, I don't want
to work here anymore

than you probably do,
you know what I'm saying?

That being said, you know,
I'm in here all the time,

you know me, I know you.

Mark?

My name is ayhan.

Really?

Charlie.

Charlie.

Hello, Charlie mate.

Hello, Gary mate, you all right?

You didn't show to my
birthday party last week.

That was last week?

Yeah, I did call
you about six times.

Obviously, it's a bit strange
celebrating on your own.

And, obviously, I'd booked
the whole of lazer-quest

and it was just me and mum.

So she's pretty old so
I just destroyed her.

Wow.
-Yeah.

Yeah, that's cool.

Look, I've got to
shoot but sorry.

No, it's cool, man.

Maybe we'll hang out some time.

Yeah, yeah, definitely,
we should do that.

Tonight? I've got a free house,

fridge is stocked, got all
the games on PlayStation.

Got a breeding
pair of tree frogs.

One of them's getting
quite big now.

We could have a couple of fruit
ciders and wait for her to pop.

[Music playing]

I'm here about a job.

They're expecting
ya in the backroom.

Really?

Oh, great.

Straight, straight
through the back?

[Door squeaks]

You Charlie?

Yeah. How did you know that?

Have a seat, Charlie.

Now, as you know, we
need a new driver.

Our last one run into
some legal complications.

Yeah.

That- and he's dead.

Oh, great.

Well, I've got a
full driving license.

Clean-- ish.

I don't have a
car at the moment.

We'll provide the wheels.

Oh, great.

What about the rest of
the car, right, guys?

This is a big job.

Huge.

You'll be driving with four
guys, and 100 kilos of product.

Product?

Product.

Hair product?

Gel.

We'll be out there
in nine minutes.

No fucking about.

Pay for the night is 10.

10, what, pounds?

Grand.

Grand?

Ok, yeah, I'm in, yeah.

All right, yeah, great.

Thank god you said hair
gel because before I

was like these
guys looking a bit,

you know-- it doesn't matter.
It's fine.

What did you think we were?

No, it sounds silly now.

It's just, you know, it's
quite a sinister vibe

you got here for a barbershop.

I like it.

But I just-- it doesn't matter.

Thank god you said gel.

It's not gel, Charlie.

It's what's in the gel.

Right.

Here comes the science.

[Screams]

Who's this?

This is Charlie,
the new wheels man.

But what about the rest
of the car, right, guys?

That's enough.

Welcome aboard, soldier.

I hope you drive as
good as you look.

Bill, clean that mess up
and bring the next one in.

Oh, Charlie.

No guns.

We're stylists.

Not gangsters.

Help yourself to product.

[Music playing]

That guy's in some
kind of hurry.

I'm Charlie.

I'm here about the job.

You're Charlie.

Then who the fucking
hell was that guy?

[Phone rings]

Hello, Charlie.

You saw something today
that you shouldn't have seen

and you heard about
something that you definitely

shouldn't have heard about.

Look, I get it, ok?

I didn't hear anything.

I definitely didn't
see anything.

As far as i'm
concerned, ok, you're

just a local, reputable,
reasonable hair dresser.

If you run I will
find you and kill you.

If you go to the
police, I will find you

and kill everyone
you've ever fucking

cared about slower than the
earth goes around the sun.

So you see, you don't have
many options here, Charlie.

Where are you now?

I'm just by my front door.

Why, where are you?

I'm at the shop.

Listen, me and you, we go
back a long way, right?

Now, problem is, I've gone and
locked myself out of my flat.

Bummer.

And I figured who
better to help me out

with a place to stay
than my old friend Mark.

It's ayhan.

What, really?

Yeah.

Oh.

Ok.

Gary, mate, please, can
I crash at yours tonight?

Thought you had plans tonight.

What? No.

Oh, I mean, yeah, but I
canceled them because...

I want to hang out with you.

Alright then.

How about that 40 pounds.

Ok. Fine.

Fine. Yeah. Cool.

Right, that's 20 quid.

That's literally all
I've got in the world.

I see the other 20.

There is no other 20.

Gary.

Gary.

All right, look, fine.

Look, I've got the
other 20 out mate.

Gary.

No, Charlie brumble, you
are a horrible person.

And I am a nice person.

And friendship is nice.

And even though
it might not look

like I've got a lot of
friends on the surface,

I watch a lot of
television, which

means that people in my position
can make bonds with people

in other similar posi--

you and your brother
were dicks to me always,

and I didn't deserve
it because I'm nice.

My brother.

Oh, my god, my brother.

Gary, you're a genius, mate.

Gary?

Gary, mate?

Gary?

What?

Can I just have like one
of those 20s back?

Please.

No.

Yeah, well, fuck you anyway,
Gary, I don't need you.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean--

don't you kick my door.

Oh, oh, shit.

[Music playing]

Oh, hello, it's the
voicemail of rudyard brumble.

You can leave me a
message, if you want to,

but I'm afraid I'm not going
to be calling you back.

If it's a real
emergency, I suppose

you could go to my favorite
pub in monmouthshire.

And, of course, if you
know me well enough,

you'll know exactly
where that is.

If you don't, I'm sorry,
you're missing out

on quite a gem of a pub--
well, pub slash inn, actually.

But anyway.

And if this is
Bernard, fuck off.

There's no room.

You're not wanted.

You won't find it.

You won't like it.

Just stay away.

[Music playing]

[Car honks]

[Music playing]

[Music ends]

Sorry, mate.

Do you know where I am?

You're home, son.

Home, at last.

Thanks.

[Music playing]

[Music fades]

[Car horn]

Excuse me mate.

Alright?

Do you know where
rudyard brumble lives?

Yeah.

Where are those fucking crates?

I'll be there now in a minute.

You married butt?

Me? No.

Take some advice, alright?

Never rush a decision.

You've never rushed anything
in your whole fuckin' life.

I'll rush in there and
smack you in the face

in a minute gwynys.

Oh, I'd like to see you try
that you fat sack of shit you

punch like a woman.

Well, then go one more
womanly quality than you then.

Rudyard brumble?

Rudyard brumble.

Go this Lane by here, now.

You'll see a stile.

Go over the stile, you see a
hawthorn, it's a big hawthorn,

mind.

It is a big hawthorn.

Right?

Follow the hedge,
round to the right.

Go over the little bridge.

Turn left.

Follow the cowlslip
down to the woods,

and then when you
get there, just

give them a shout or something.

Alight?

Did you say-- is it a hawthorn?

It's a big-- I'm coming now.

Big hawthorn. You can't miss it.

You can't miss it. Big hawthorn.

[Music playing]

[Music fades]

Greetings from London.

Yaaaaah.

Rudyard, it's me, Charlie.

Charlie?

Your fucking brother, Charlie.

Trespasser.

Nice to meet you, trespasser.

You're the trespasser.

No, I'm the Charlie.

This is tulip, my wife, life
partner, and soul sharer.

It's nice to finally meet you.

Brother, Charlie.

Would you allow me to feel you?

Feel me?

Er, sure.

And what brings you to
our happy camp, brother?

Have you also grown
tired of city life?

Are you here to
join our commune?

What? No.

No, I'm here because--

he has a dark and
terrible secret.

What?

What?

[Nervous laughter]

No, I don't.

Yes.

He's being followed by
a dark cloud of evil.

Oh come.

Come on, you say
that to everyone.

Yes.

Sorry.

Come.

Brother welcome.

So we don't have a guest
room in the traditional sense

of the word.

Uh-huh.

In that you're actually the
first guest we've ever had.

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me.

Yeah.

So where are you sleeping?

Right there.

Ok, and where am I sleeping?

Right there.

Don't forget your blanket.

Oh, the full moon must be near.

My waters of womanhood
are brimming.

What?

Really, tonight?

Yes.

Brimming up a storm.

Goodnight, brother.

Yes, goodnight.

Hoo.

Hoo.

Hoo.

Rudyard.

Yes?

I think I heard a noise.

Did you hear that?

Beautiful, isn't it?

It's just the rutting
stoat in full thrust.

[Charlie] Ok.

[Rudyard] Ok.

Night.

Night then.

Oh.

Ooh.

Oooh.

Ooooh.

Rudyard.

Yes?

Can you hear that?

Just the bald crested
owl in full thrust.

Nothing more.

Right.

Good night, then.

Oh.

Ooh.

Oooh.

Ooooh.

Rudyard, what-- what's that?

What animal's that?

Sounds massive.

[Tulip] A heron?

[Rudyard] It's really
good sexy, heron.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

As if.

Fuck.

That's disgusting.

Yeah, don't mind me, guys.

Ah.

Ah, this is shit.

[Rooster crows]

Morning, brother.

The trees sleep for no man.

It's time for you to
learn our woodland ways.

Ooh, the call of the skylark.

Marvelous. Come.

So the first rule of the
forest is always pick

a good strong log.

What is this?

I'll leave you to your business.

Take as long as you need.

And, remember, a
good strong log.

Whew.

Let's go.

Oh.

Rudyard.

Rudyard.

I've fallen in the poo hole.

Come on.

Yeah, wait, I've got
to put my shoes on.

You don't need shoes.

The forest will
care for your feet.

What, like they've cared
for those fucking hooves.

Yes. I would love hooves.

Yeah, I bet you would.

Practical.

So, just open the door?

Should I just give
them a squeeze?

Are they going to be ready?

I really wouldn't recommend
squeezing them, no.

Just-- they'll be there.
They'll be there.

Ok, I'll just go in.

Yeah.
-Oh, that's ok.

Great.

Hello.

No, no.

No, no, no.

Mr. Goosey?

No, Charlie, don't--

[squawking]

How big are they?

What, geese?

They're halfway between a
duck and a small tumble dryer.

What? Well, why don't you go
up there then and get it?

[Gunshot]

Egg stealing hippie bastards.

Good morning, Mr. Jones.

Just collecting the eggs
that I paid you for.

[Gunshot]

Do you actually want eggs?

No, let's just go.

Let's just go.

[Squawking]

[Music playing]

Can I help you?

Are you Mark?

You've got to be
fucking kidding me.

Rudyard.

Rudyard.

Hello.

[Thunder]

Who's there?

Rudyard?

Hello.

[Yells]

How did you find me?

What?

What?

You, trespasser, are not
welcome in our forest.

Ok.

And so you must pay the price.

[Yells]

So, you will not go quietly.

Listen, whatever it is you're
going through, ok, I'm sorry.

What do you mean?
-What? No, i--

is that an insult?

No.
-It is an insult.

No, no, no, no, no.

Is it?

No.

Yah. Yah.

[Spank]

So you are determined to stay.

Oh, look, a bee.

Where?

I don't see it.

And to think

I bee-lieved him.

You've been hiding
something from me, brother.

What? No, no, no, listen,
I can explain, ok?

A bar of golden Twix.
-Oh.

My favorite of all bars.

I can't believe you remembered.

I am overjoyed with you.

What is that shiny evil?

It's a Twix.

Twix.

At-wix.

At-wix!

So, you know, you just listen.

[Mumbles]

I wanted that.

Lucky it's just the wrapper
and not the chocolate bar.

That's lucky.

That was mine.

[Distant horn]

The tribes are called.

Did you meet someone
in the forest?

Oh, yeah.

Nice neighbors you got.

Some guy just fucking
attacked me dressed as a bush.

Great.

Well, this should
be bloody rich.

No.

Oh, please, please, I
don't know this man.

Mark. Mark. Mark.

You must have seen him
in here with someone.

He's in here every day. Eh?

Er. A man, yeah.

I saw him talking to a
man in here yesterday.

Yeah, that's it. His name was--
his name was Gary.

He's had deliveries
from US in the past.

Yeah, he should be in
the order book under--

under smelly bastard or--

or lonely smelly
glasses man, or fr--.

Lonely, smelly, frog
man, something like that.

Smelly, smelly no mates.

Smelly, smelly pirate no mates.

Stinky stink and
the funky bunch.

That's it.

I don't know anything
else, I swear.

Good.

Bye, Mark.

My name is not Mark.

[Screams]

The spirit of the rocks
is pacified for now.

Well, that is good.

I, king beeswax, ruler of
the tribe honey lovers.

Well that's something else.

Queen honeybee, please.

Whenever you're ready.

Great spirit, we hear your call.

Great spirit, we hear your call.

The charter clearly states that
these tribal powwows should

only be called in an emergency.

This is an emergency.

I encountered a trespasser
in our leafy paradise.

You didn't encounter
a trespasser.

You encountered my brother.

Another brother
for your faction.

No, my actual brother, as
in from the same mother.

Well, not from another mother?

No, it's the actual brother.

There's-- they're
from the same mother.

They look very different.

But they are brothers?

We're mother brothers.

They're born in
the same hospital

the status of his
mother is irrelevant.

He must leave this forest.

His presence has brought
instability and disharmony

to our tribes.

My wife weeps in constant fear.

She seems all right to me.

The forest charter is very
clear on this matter, brothers.

It is?

It is. Thank you, sister tulip.

Long may her flower blossom.

Long may my flower blossom.

What does the char--

I mean, long may your
flower blossom, yes, indeed.

But what does the charter say?

The charter clearly states
that a number of each tribes

remain the same at all times.

And I think you'll find it
also states in our fair charter

that all those that sleep
in the forest's embrace

must undergo
appropriate initiation.

Brother Charlie
will only be with US

a few days, brother beeswax.

Mighty be your hammer.

Mighty be my hammer.

He can stay as long as he wants.

Excuse me, brother.

Say it.

Say it.

Say it.

Will you say it?

Mighty be your hammer.

He must be initiated.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

[Music playing]

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

That's technically fly tipping.

It fell out the bag.

No, it didn't, I
saw you tip it out.

No, no. No, no.

All right. Ok.

What happened was I was
swinging the bag, ok--

you do know that
this is private land. Yeah.

I mean, are you even supposed
to be in these woods?

Yes.

Well, I mean, so--
I don't know.

Maybe.

You don't know?

I'm visiting.

Well, there is a bin for
visitors up at the hunter's

moon pub, which is that way.

So, please, use it, or I'll
have to go and get my shotgun.

What? What's with all the
shotguns?

Alright I'll pick it up.

Whilst you have a new
member of your tribe?

The honey lovers shall exercise
their right to a new member.

This is ridiculous.

Mr. Jones thinks we're
causing enough problems as it

is without any more of you lot.

Any more of you what?

He's going to kick US
out of our home because

of your crazy shit, Bernard.

You call me beeswax.

You call me beeswax.

This is bullshit.

I don't know.

You move to the middle
of bloody nowhere

and there's still
politics to deal with.

I'll tell you,
sometimes this place

is just as bad as the city.

Think you're going to have
to leave the forest then?

Ah.

It's complicated.

Right, so I think we can
be two, maybe three

hours tops before tulip
starts to get suspicious.

So let's go.

Listen, look. If you're
expecting
me to wander about in

the dark like gathering
horses dreams, or collecting

moonlight, or something,
you can just--

I'm just going to wait here, ok?

Shut up, Charlie, all right?
Give me some credit.

Give you credit?
Look at the state of you.

When did you start
carrying a cane?

It's a staff.

It's a stick is what it is.

And you're wearing curtains.

Walking around like a fucking
Gandalf from poundland.

Look.

Ok. I stand corrected.

Welcome to paradise.

[Music playing]

Oh.

You poisoned him.

Poisoned him.

What? Who?

My husband, your brother.

You fed him alcohol
and unnatural foods.

No, I didn't.
I didn't give him--

all I know is that you've
been here three days

and all you seem intent on doing
is leading my husband astray.

All right. Fine. I'm sorry.

What do you want me to do?

Rudyard. Rudyard.

[Coughs]

If you want to stay
longer in these trees,

you have to find the
spirit of the woods

by eating the sacred
bark of the pussy Willow.

Fine.

And-- oh, no, you--

I've got to take this seriously.

It's just that you can't--

oh.

There you go. All gone.

Ah.

It makes a paste immediately.

Morning, beloved family.

What is afoot on this
glorious, loud morning?

Your brother is embarking
on a spirit walk.

Ah, fantastic.

Yes, the sacred bark
of the pussy Willow.

[Laughs]

Pussy.

How much did he take?

All of it.

All-- all of that.

What's wrong with that?

You're only supposed
to have a tiny pinch.

He'll probably be fine.

Sweet.

I guess I'm going on
a spirit walk then.

With purpose in my heart,

and a belly, full
of psychedelic dogshit.

Are you the spirit of the woods?

Why, yes, I am.

And you must be Charles
brumble, brother of rudyard.

You can call me Charlie.

Very well, Charlie.

Do you live here?

I live here.

And here.

And here.

And here.

And everywhere.

Cool.

So why're you here then Charlie?

Ah, you know.

I'm just here
visiting my brother.

Don't lie to me, Charlie.

I'm scared.

I know you are, Charlie.

I know you are.

Why don't you take
off your clothes?

Ok.

Do you like dancing?

Yeah.

[Singing]

Mud and trees, mud and trees.

Yeah.

They won't find me
here, will they?

I'll protect you, Charlie.

I'll protect you.

Welcome, gentlemen.

Thank you for applying so
promptly to my advertisement.

Only one of you will make it
through my tough initiation

trials.

Those are the
rules of the forest

as laid down by
the forest charter.

You must undergo
a trial by fire.

Coward.

Challenge one, survival.

Can you spend a night
alone in the woods?

Can you fend for yourself
and build defensive traps?

Your time starts

now.

What is it?

Um, I've got an interview
tomorrow afternoon.

So, can I, pop off
and then pop back.

There is no popping
in the forest.

Where are you, Charlie?

Wake up, Charlie.

Wake up.

Oh, my god.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Morning.

Did you sleep in this field?

Huh?

Did you sleep in this field?

Er,

yeah, d'you know what,
I think I did.

Ah, ha, ha, ha.

I think I might have--

I think I might have
nodded off, actually.

Don't know what that's about.

Enjoying your stay in the woods?

Yeah, yeah, very much so.

It's very sort of--

[spluttering]

[Retching]

[Grunts÷}

hum.

Yeah.

No, I am actually,
yeah, it's been--

it's been an experience.

Really looks like it.

Uh-huh.

Shh.

She's got bacon
sandwiches in her bag.

Have you got bacon
sandwiches in your bag?

How did you know that?

Look, listen, please,
please can I have one?

I've not eaten proper
food in like three days.

I'm starving.

Oh, what, you mean food
like these thick cut oak

smoked bacon sandwiches
with lashings of ketchup?

Yeah, exactly.

Ah, yeah. Well, I am going
to eat these when--

when I get up there.

So, I guess, if you
want one, then you're

going to have to
get up there too.

It looks really far away.

It is.

It's a long way up
that mountain, Charlie.

This is something I have to do.

Ok.

This is something I have to do.

Not now.

Did you say something?

Sorry, there was some
wildlife in my trousers.

I was just fishing
it out of there.

You aren't one of those
perverts, are you?

No.

Ok. Come on.

[Music playing]

[Thud]

[Music stops]

I didn't think it
would move that way.

You didn't think
because you are weak.

Ha.

Bazingo.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I hope you like your
rabbit well tenderized.

I like my rabbit dead.

I'll name you great trapper.

Thank you, king beeswax.

What are you going to call me?

I'll call you...

Little...

Biscuit.

Little biscuit.

Now, moving on.

At this stage, things
are very close,

by which I mean,
not close at all.

[Laughs]

[Buzzing]

They called him Ronny.

He lives in Milton keynes with
his wife they met at work.

And as far as I know,
Charlie hasn't seen or spoken

to him for seven years.

Gary?

Yeah?

It's not often I
say this to someone

I'm torturing for information,
but will you shut the fuck up?

Yeah, I will.

Do you think
it's likely

he would have visited any
of these school friends

when he hasn't seen any of
them in the last seven years?

Then why am I hearing
about the life stories

of every fucking one of them?

You told me to tell
you everything I know.

I was--

ha, ha, ha.

He's got you there, tone.

Shut your mouth frank. Is
there anything in that diary?

It's nothing useful.

It's actually quite sad.

You know your problem, Gary?

You have horrible hair.

Oh.

Ah.

Arggh.

Ah.

Now, if you were Charlie,
what would you do?

Probably go and see
my brother rudyard.

Why the fuck did
you not say that?

Think of the bacon.
Think of the bacon.

Nearly there, come on.

Nearly there.

You're nearly there.

You are nearly there.

And that's the halfway point.

I thought this was the top.

When does it end?

When does it end?

This is ridiculous.

Yeah, sorry, hang on.

It's that way mate.

What's happening.

You're still tripping, balls
man, that's what's happening.

Hey, look at your
hands, they're cabbages.

My hands are cabbages.

Yeah, sorry about that, butt.

No, just some guy tripping
balls on a mountain.

Yeah. Tell me about it.

He's all over the place,
stumbling everywhere.

Mm.

[Music playing]

A dinner party?

Yep. 8 o'clock, up
at the farmhouse.

Will Mr. Jones be there?
-Who's Mr. Jones?

He's the farmer.

What? The farmer with the
shotgun, the farmer?

Yes, that's right.

Oh, my word, a dinner party.

I know, it's exciting, right?

Will Jenny be there?

Yeah, she's the
one who invited US.

I've got a very positive
feeling about this.

We need to get changed.
Here, Charlie, drink this.

Ok.

Urghh.

Ah, again.

So how was the spirit?

Maybe a bit pervy?

He is, yes, very.

But he's actually
quite a solid chap.

He knows an awful
lot about card games.

Makes a mean battenberg.

The woods is no place for
cowardice, little biscuit.

In you go.

Wonderful stuff.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I think we're pretty
close to a decision.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Is it time for my
defensive trap now?

No point. Ok.
Drum roll, please.

Little biscuit, drum roll.

[Stomach patting]

The new member of the
tribe honey lovers is--

man, that is a great drum roll.

Really, really impressive.

What was I saying?

You were announcing the
new member of the tribe.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, I was.

The new member of
the tribe is...

[Stomach patting]

Little biscuit.

That is exactly the kind of
drum roll this tribe needs.

What?

I'm sorry, great trapper

I just didn't feel like
you wanted it enough.

Plus, you didn't
do the drumming.

This is a grievous error.

I'm sorry, great trapper.

Please, king beeswax,
I'm begging you.

Just give me one more chance.

My decision is final.

You.

Shit-fucker.

There's an energy
in these stones.

A deep, sexual energy.

I think if they offer
US any alcohol tonight,

it would be rude for
US to decline it.

Just think of it
like communal wine.

Yeah, rudyard, can we
just, please, be as normal

as possible tonight, ok?

Of course.
-Absolutely. 100%.

[Loud bell ringing]

Welcome.

You look lovely.

Thank you.

Enchanted.

[Kiss]

Fertility.
-What?

Won't you come in?

Yes.

Ooh, butter.

What a lovely home you have.

Oh, thank you, tulip.

I'm afraid it's
a bit of a state.

You've got normal clothes.

I suppose that
means you're the one

my daughter wants to fuck.

Wine, anyone?

Oh, yes, it would be
rude not to, thank you.

I'm very excited.

Um, um.

Are there any non-organic
ingredients in the soup?

No, it's all from the garden.

Fill her up.

Except for the salt,
of course, which

is also organic, just
not from the garden.

Um.

Delicious.

Oh, oh, oh, no. Oh no.

First man down.

Oh, why did I sign up?
War is hell.

There has been no
peace or Harmony

since you lay-abouts moved in.

So you can either all get
along, or you can all clear out.

If we simply evict the
other group from the forest

and leave US to live there
in peace and Harmony,

then we wouldn't have
a problem, you see--

funny, that's exactly
what they said about you

just a few hours ago.

They did what?

I think I can help here.

May I feel you?

Thank you for a lovely
first course, Jenny.

Lovely.
Lovely, lovely wine.

Shall we?

I'm so, so sorry about that.

Um what my-- what my dad said
about me being a virgin, um,

it's-- it's not true.

Yeah.

I mean, not-- not that
I've, like, loads.

Yeah, no, no. It's fine.

I'm, you know, not a
virgin, either so--

that's very cool.

It's pretty sweet.

It's cool.

It was really good to
see you again though.

You too.

Uh-huh.

It's really good
to see you again.

Sorry.

Cool.

-Cool.

You're going that way,
I'm going that way.

Ok.

Yeah.

I'm going to--
yeah, go that way.

Ok.

It's good to see you.

Ok. See you later. Bye.

[Distant horn]

Then what?

Is it to be war between our
two tribes, brother rudyard?

Mighty be his--.

Not right now,
love, not right now.

War?

Like it was when we
first came to this place.

The 100 minutes war.

The horror.

No. No more fighting.

Then what?

[Queen honeybee] Don't say
naked wrestling.

I'm going to say...

Naked wrestling.

If that's what it takes,
then that's what it shall be.

Get it off.
Get it--

guys guys guys.
No one wants to see that, ok?

Let's just stop being
dicks to each other.

Look, give me this.

Have either of you
actually read this?

Yes, of course.

I wrote most of it.

All right.

There's a lot of
pictures in this.

The woods is a visual place.

We are one tribe.

One forest.

One people.

All souls who call
these woods home

must also call their
neighbors brothers.

I mean, guys that's beautiful.

Have you forgotten?

No, no, it's paragraph 28.

28c.
-Ok.

See, I knew it.
-Yeah.

Well?

Well-- well, I do
call him brother.

Sometimes.

He still goes in my pond
and steals my shoes.

All right, rudyard.

It's not like you've
got much choice, is it?

I mean, you must have
been friends at one point

if you writ this thing together.

You know what I see
when I look at you two?

I see two guys that
don't have jobs

and are getting along fine.

You know, you don't realize
how good you've got it.

Just sort your shit out.

Well, maybe we can try that.

You know being

Friends.

Just so that we don't
get evicted, you know.

This is a momentous day.

Time for a celebration.

To the swimming pond.

Yeah.

Go little biscuit.
Run to the pond.

I'm going to dunk your head in.

Wales.

All right, gentlemen,
how can I help you?

We're looking for someone.

Well, in my experience,
looking is very thirsty work.

So maybe pop inside for a
couple of drinks and you could--

we're looking for
Charlie brumble.

Have you seen him?

What do you want Charlie for?

He applied for a job
within our organization

and we've been unable to contact
him about his application.

He's probably up at
the farm with Jenny.

And where is that then?

About a mile up
the road that way.

You're going to take US there.

Right now.

This is not about a job, is it?

Nah.

The banner of peace.

The headdress of peace.

Time for the kiss of peace.

Come on.

Or, or, or.

We just have the
handshake of peace.

Yeah, fine.
-Ok, good.

[Music playing]

I really like your
hanging sheep carcass.

That's really there.

Thank you. Yeah.

Old stinky bones.

[Music playing]

Help.

Help.

Ah. Oh.

[Panting]

They've,

they've got to-- oh, ha, ha, ha.

Oh.

They-- they've er--
ah, ha, ha, ha.

[Coughs]

They've taken Jenny hostage.

Jenny?

Some thugs.

Back at the farmhouse.

They're going to kill her.

Unless Charlie turns himself in.

Charlie? Why?

What is this?

What's going on?

Rudyard, I'm sorry.

Look, there's something
I've been keeping from you.

Look, I really didn't want
it to come to this, ok,

but I guess I'm just
going to have to tell you

the whole damn story.

I witnessed a murder,
and now the people

that did it are after me.

Murder?

Who are these murderers?

Hair dressers.

[Gasps]

Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.

Ah.

Charlie, why didn't
you tell US this?

Because I didn't think
they'd find me here.

What about Jenny?

Well, I've got no
choice, have I?

If I hand myself over,
I'll get her back.

What about Mr. Jones,
they got him as well?

He's back in the pub.

There's nobody in the bar.

It'll be absolute
chaos down there.

[Music playing]

I have to get back.

Charlie, boy, you're
doing the right thing.

You have to get that
Jenny back safe for US

before they kill you.

[Music playing]

Charlie, are you
not now my neighbor?

Yeah, I have been, yeah.

And so by the great
words of the charter,

are you not also my brother?

Yeah, I suppose so, yeah.

Then we will fight by
your side, dear brother.

For that is what families do.

We will teach these hair
dressers that they cannot come

to our woods and
take one of our own.

We will stand and we will fight.

Yeah.

Yeah, hurrah.

So what do you want
US to do, Charlie?

I guess we just...

Fuck 'em up, you know.

Ok, we might need something
more specific than that.

I agree with rudyard.

Right ok.

Ok.

[Music playing]

[Yells]

So, believe it or not, this
is a map of the forest.

This is the farm, this is the
powwow clearing, the pond,

and this is beeswax's camp.

Honey lover hq.

Precisely.

Now, beeswax, little
biscuit, you're

going to be stationed over here.

Rudyard, great trapper, here.

Tulip, honeybee, you're
going to be down here, ok?

It is on.

It is. Now, let's dance.

[Sinister music playing]

Looks like you don't
mean as much to him

as that landlord thought.

Dry, tired, split ends.

Bit of work and you
could be worth saving.

Oh, fuck you, bellend.

No, thanks.

Smells like shit out here.

[Laughing]

Did I just make a joke?

I don't like the countryside.

It's bad for me hair.

This bum's dragged me out
to a flea bitten cesspit.

Find the bastard.

Cue frank.

They are only hippies.

We are gangsters.

Ah, ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

And hairdressers, also.

Now, we are going to
search these woods

for our boy, Charlie.

Hey, Toni.

[Music playing]V

well, hello, pocahontas.

No guns, frank.

How many times
have you been told?

It's been a while, Charlie.

I hate what you've
done with your hair.

Let Jenny go, Toni.

She's got nothing
to do with this.

So cliche.

Put the bow down,
Charlie, we'll let her go.

But we will be taking you.

[Music playing]

Sorry.

Put your hands on your head.

It's a shame I have to leave.

Things were just
beginning to...

Hot up.

Don't want to get burnt.

[Yells]

Yah.

Ah.

You had a plan b, Charlie.

I love it.

Welcome to the countryside.

Ah.

Run, he's got a goose.

Get out of here, lads.
Mind your hair.

Run for your lives.

Move you cretins.

Move.

Split up and flush him out.

Ooh-ah. Ooh-ah.

[Music playing]

[Whistle]

I fuckin' hate nature.

Hey, that's my nature
you're talking to.

Eeyah. Eeyah. Eeyah.

[Slow-mo howl]

[Yelling]

[Music playing]

[Buzzing]

[Biscuit crunching]

Shh.

What was that?

Wales.

[Biscuit crunching]

Run, little biscuit.

Run.

[Music playing]

It's cold beeswax.

Don't say that, little biscuit.

I just want-- one--

more-- biscuit.

Eat.

Eat, sweet little biscuit.

Eat.

[Coughs]

[Sorrowful music playing]

[Splashing]

This is little biscuit,
our newest tribe member.

My name's little biscuit
of the tribe honey lovers.

Welcome, little biscuit.

[Music fades]

You just killed a man.

His name was little biscuit.

He was my tribe's colleague.

And he was my friend.

[Music playing]

Ah.

Oh, Jesus.

What?

Oh.

[Music fades]

Ah. Arghh.

[Music playing]

Ah. Arggh.

Ahh.

It's so beautiful.

[Screaming]

Arggh.

Oh, you shouldn't have
done that, should you?

Should you!?

[Screaming]

[Music playing]

Ooh.

[Scream]

[Yells]

Oh, oh, oh.

It's not what it looks like.

What's going on?

One of the gangsters just
started throwing Twix bars

and I was, like,
ah, one went in my--

it is done.

This battle will be easily won.

[Scream]

Oh.

Oh.

Step aside, fellas.

Oof.

Ah.

[Roar]

[Yells]

Ooh.

Ah.

Stop hitting yourself.

Oh, did that hurt?

Sorry about that.

You take care of this one.

Looks like your escape
plan just didn't cut it.

I'm going to have one sausage
roll, and then you're dead.

[Screams]

Yeah.

[Music playing]

Oh, Jenny, I'm so sorry.

You really should be, you idiot.

Thanks for saving me,
though, that was pretty cool.

Ah, where's brother beeswax?

Oh, Bernard.

[Gunshot]

Oh, shit.

I'm sure he's fine.

I don't give a blow dry if
he won't come down, frank.

I've told you before,
we don't use guns.

We're hair dressers.

It's what makes US unique.

Oh, fuck this, Toni.

I only got into hair
dressing for the guns.

One more gunshot out of you and
I'm going to Bury you out here.

Face down.

Do you understand?

Cut him down and find
out what he knows.

Bill.

Wait here.

Easy peasy.

Ah.

Ooh.

Oh, this isn't going to plan.

Where's Charlie?

I'll never tell.

I last saw him on the
other side of the forest.

Oh, ok, you got me.

He was by the pond yesterday.

Ah.

[Music playing]

[Screams]

Jenny be careful, it's poison.

It's hair spray.

Oh.

[Panting]

Damn, he's good.

[Yells]

I kind of like that guy.

Arggh.

Woah. You're really strong.

Unnatural, manly strength.

Ooh, ah.

Oh, you mean that Charlie.

No, i-- he said something
about Luxembourg.

Oh.

Hi, there, tough guy.

Hello, there, darling.

[Coughing]

Hey, Frankie, boy.

Oh, my god.

Come here, get
some franky sugar.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ooh.

[Music playing]

You two are a right pain
in the arse, aren't ya?

Ok, Toni, let's settle
this once and for all.

You and me.

Like men.

Attack.

[Screams] I'm ok.

Oh, this dress is new.

Jenny, you've been pinned
to a tree by scissors.

If only there was
something I could do.

Arggghh!

[Rock music playing]

[Yells]

[Smack]

Oh, baby, I think that's 50
points on the dart board.

Ooh.

Ah.

Oh.

Ah.

Hey, Toni, rock beats scissors.

Argggh.

Oh.

Ow.

I think you need a
new look, Charlie.

A better one.

A new style.

I'm going to suggest a
little bit off the top.

It's been really nice bumping
and grinding with you, Charlie.

But it's about time
for me to climax.

First rule of the forest, Toni.

Pick a good, strong log.

Yes.

[Music playing]

Woo.

Ah-hem.

Oh, my god.

I'm sorry.

You ok?

Let's go find the others.

Ok.

[Laughing]

Oh, that was quite a day.

[Laughing]

Oh, no but seriously
guys, seriously.

A lot of people
were killed today.

Some of them by US.

Well, the way I look at it,
the less we all say about it,

and the quicker we
Bury the bodies,

the better off for everyone.

[Laughter]

So, Charlie, now that
the coast is clear,

will you be heading
back to London?

I think I'll stick
around a little while.

I mean, I'm part
of the tribe now.

I can stay in the forest.

Or you could stay up at
the farm and, you know,

have showers and a bed.

That actually sounds
a lot better for me.

[Laughter]

Well, guys, I don't
own this farm,

and I don't really have any say.

But you can stay as
long as you like.

Hurrah!

This has actually
been an amazing day.

[Music fades]

[Indistinct chatter]

[Off screen] Cut there.

[Music playing]

Happy birthday, Gary.

Having a nice time?

Uh.

Yeah?

[Laughter]

Hold me tight.
Don't never let go.

[Music plays]

[Music continues]

[Music fades]