The Great St. Trinian's Train Robbery (1966) - full transcript

The all-girl school foil an attempt by train robbers to recover two and a half million pounds hidden in their school. - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
Operation Windfall.

Standby, all groups.

Target passed Junction X9 at 02:25.

The time is now 02:30 precisely.

Repeat, 02:30 precisely.

Synchronize all watches.

Target is now entering operational area.

Activate GP28.


Group one goes on target.

Group two, action.

You're reminded you
have exactly 25 minutes

to remove windfall to temporary base Ajax,

where group five is waiting to receive it.

Group three, stand by for windfall.

You have 15 minutes to
complete this stage.

When work is finished,

all groups should withdraw to headquarters

by the prescribed routes.

My congratulations.

Part one of the operation
has been completed.

All personnel must now return
to their normal occupations

and await instructions.

Part two, the recovery of windfall,

will take place when moon and tide permit,

and the hue and cry subsides.

# Just before dawn 2:22 #

# The Western Veil hammering through #

# Green light nixed turns to red #

# Shut off the steam and
brake, brake, brake #

# Shut off the steam and ride the brake #

# Pssht went the pistons #

# Pssht went the brakes #

# Chink, gargle, clank
went the couplings #

# Telling the tale of how
the great train robbers #

# Robbed the mail #

# 21 robbers at 2:22 #

# Never so much pinched by so few #

# With all the coppers tucked up in bed #

# Blow off the doors
and grab, grab, grab #

# Blow off the doors and gentlemen, grab #

# Pssht went the pistons #

# Pssht went the brakes #

# Chink, gargle, clank
went the couplings #

# And crack went the blackjack
on the driver's head #

# Telling the tale of how
the great train robbers #

# Robbed the mail #

# 21 robbers at 3:32 #

# Got clean away, left no clue #

# Hit the trail for the old dock house #

# Over the wall and make for the hole #

# Make for the holes
they've left the louse #

# Pssht went the pistons #

# Pssht went the brakes #

# Chink, gargle, clank
went the couplings #

# Whack went the blackjack #

# And whoop went the jelly #

# Telling the tale of how
the great train robbers #

# Robbed the mail #

# They were wide eyes
all, but nary a fool #

# But none of them reckoned
with St. Trinian's School #

Bethwick, Labour
gains from Conservative.

Another Labour gain, Butters?

They're nearly in.

What a frabjous day.

I can't believe our luck.


First time I've seen you lot here

after four in the afternoon.

It's the election, Mrs. Muscat.

Have a drink.

What for?

It looks as if we're gonna have

a Labour government at last!

Yes, isn't it wonderful?

What do you mean?

Us civil servants ain't
supposed to have no politics.

Poor Sir Alec.

Fine lot of conservatives you are.

You simply don't
understand, Mrs. Muscat.

This has nothing to do with politics.

Look, if the Labour government gets in,

it'll mean the end of public schools,

and means above all, the end
of that appalling girls school,

St. Trinian's.

Hear, hear.

Another result Borridge Sutton.

Another Labour gain!

Oh, jolly.


# Then raise the scarlet standard high #

# Within its shade we'll live and die, #

# We'll keep our red flag
flying here. #


Gentlemen, your attention please.

Our new minister of schools.

This is Richard Bassett,
deputy director of schools.

Glad to see a new broom, sir,

after 13 years of Tory misrule.

Mr. Butters, controller
of schools, public females,

second category southern.

Ah, look after the girls, do you?

I try to, sir.

Mr. Penny, Welsh schools.

Delighted, sir.

Say, I-I like him terribly.

Professor Truelove, public
relations and private schools.

So looking forward to meeting you, sir.

Dr. Judd, health and free milk.


- And finally, Mr.
- Culpepper-Brown, games and grades.

This is a great day for us, sir.

Now lady and gentlemen, will
you take your seats please?

Well, my colleagues and myself

would like to bid our new captain welcome.

I'm sure you'll find us a happy crew.

Hear, hear.


Jolly well said, sir.

This is the Ministry of
Schools, not ruddy admiralty.

You have a point there, sir.

As you know, gentlemen, the
policy of the new government

is to phase out the kind of
school that belongs to the past

and phase in the kind that
belongs to the future.

You have in front of you a list of schools

I have in mind to phase out.

By George, Uppingham's had it.


Saint Paul's?


All to be phased out?

All right, all London schools,
one gigantic comprehensive.

Minister, there seems to've
been an oversight here, sir.

There's one school I can't find

in the girl's section under S.

Oh perhaps it's under T.

Which school is that mister, uh?

There's a school called St. Trinian's.


Oh, what about it?

Well, I mean, sir, it
absolutely screams for closure.

Oh yes, absolutely.

Really? Why?

Well I, well I mean, sir,
three fires in four years.

Oh yes, I remember the school, now.

They're living like refugees
in a disused army camp.

In Nissen huts, sir.

I take it I can add it to
the list, sir, for phasing out.

Now, just a moment.


This hapless band of children
driven from school to school

give a dog a bad name.

Can we honestly say it's their fault?

No sir.

Parents' fault, absolutely.

No, it's not the parents.


No, it's the old system:
privilege and underprivilege.

Something a Labour
government's gonna put right.

And what better challenge
could a new government have

to start with than St. Trinian's?

Naturally, it'll cost money.

Everything costs money.

That's what the big taxpayer's for.

So let's begin boldly by
giving St. Trinian's a grant

for rehousing of, will
someone suggest a figure?

Well then, let me.

Shall we say 80,000 pounds?

Did I hear a comment?

No, sir.

Just the figure I had in mind.

Right, well, that's settled.

My goodness, I'm due at
the house in 10 minutes.

We'll resume this discussion tomorrow.

Oh dear.

Now poor Butters is phased out.

Eighty thousand pounds.

You can stop here, Croft.

I'll walk the rest of the way.

Breath of fresh air, you know.

Amber, darling heart.


How long the term is going to seem.

Surely you can get back
here before next halls.

Dear and duted boy, I do
have my responsibilities.

Give the girls a long weekend, what?

After all, angel, it is your school.

Mad grenadier, I adore you like this,

all hot from the palace guard.

Damn it!

I-I mean to say, who's that?

Heaven knows, but you must fly.

Darling, your bearskin!

Aah, my minister.


Those dustmen; do come in darling.

Amber, love, I've done it.

Horace, darling.

And so quickly I can hardly believe it.

How much?





Not eighty?

Oh, lovely wild MP, and all for little me.

I thought I was gonna
have trouble at first,

but they're a poor, weak-spirited lot.

Oh, you mad,
Machiavellian minister, you.

Oh Horace, darling, I've
seen all sorts of premises.

An absolutely grotty place
that's been on the market

for simply ages.

I shall phone the estate agent at once.

Here, steady love.

We haven't got the brass yet.

Oh, Horace, really.

You're a minister.

You can bleed the treasury white.

I must gather up all my gallant
little band together again.


Is there Barron and James?

Can I speak to Mr. James, please?

Yes, I shall start with Mabel.

Mabel is my deputy headmistress, you know.

She's due out of her
holiday home on Wednesday.

What a stroke of luck.

- Oh!
- Amber!

Oh, welcome back to St. Trinian's.

Do you know, Amber, I do believe

I wouldn't have started
this last little charity

if I hadn't been so miserably
cold in those army huts.

I thought it was a wonderful idea.

Sunshine Home for budgies.

One of your best ideas.

Yes, but no sooner had
the kiddies' postal orders

started to roll in, then
bang, bang on the front door,

and the rozzers were there again.

I think they're beginning
to recognize your style, dear.

Never mind.

Spilled milk.

We must round up the
rest of the mistresses.

Now be careful, Rodney, 'round the corner.

Up to the left here.

Bikes ought to look where they ride.

Two, four, six, eight,

show St. Trinian's the gate.

We don't want St. Trinian's.

Oh look, Amber, they're
griping about us coming here.

Oh, that happened to us in
Biggle's Way two fires ago.

It's a cross we have to bear, my dears.

Driver, would you just
pull up around the corner

and be a dear.

Veronica nip out and
see what they're up to.

Ladies and gentleman,
none us wants St. Trinian's.

Everyone knows that, and we are
determined to keep them out.

That is why we have a fighting fund,

and I hope you will all
contribute generously to it.

Two years ago we successfully
blocked the sewage farm.

Last year we stopped them
building an open prison.

And if any of you has any suggestions.

Yes, Mr. Marcum.

Mr. Chairman, couldn't we
have the open prison instead?

Two, four, six, eight,

show St. Trinian's the gate.

We don't want St. Trinian's.

Ladies and gentlemen, it
seems that the fighting fund

has been mislaid.

Three pounds, six, and nine?

They don't deserve to succeed.

It's them!

Go on.

Voila, just to sir's taste.

Alphonse, I distinctly
asked for a bronze rinse.

This is pink.

I look like an anemic turkey.

Oh, isn't sir a wicked tease.

This is the last mow in
masculine tonsory: Riviera Peach.

I'll show, sir.

Why, it hasn't even
penetrated the West End yet.

Oh really?

No sir.

I had to go to Monte for its unveiling.

Did you?

Yes, sir.

Now, here we are.

Vladimir Ribovsky of the Paris Ballet

where they're getting "Swan Lake."

Oh, well, if Vladimir can
dance with it in Paris, uh-

Mai oui!

Suppose I can bowl them
over on Richmond Green.

Bully for sir.

If sir will excuse me.


Seems I'm wanted.

Look after Smudge of the Hanoo's charm.

The bloody dye went wrong.

Ah, sir, Ronnie here will
administer the last rites.

Oh, thank you.

I'm here, guv'nor.

Sorry, I was tied up with a client.

It's always the same.

I've had half a dozen
transreceivers install in your place

at enormous expense and
you're never in the right spot

at the right time.

Now pay attention.

Excuse me, guv'nor, you're a bit loud.

Recovery of
windfall will take place tonight.

Assemble all personnel
for briefing at 6:00 p.m.

I repeat, at 6:00 p.m.

My lord's gentlemen, pray
silence for your next speaker,

Major General Sir Eustace Jenner,

Night Commander of the
Grand Cross of Bath,

member of the Most Noble Order
of St. John of Jerusalem.

Tell him I'll ring him back.

Fellow of the Royal Horticultural Society,

former dogai of the Variety Club of Malta.

Naturally, Mrs. Payne,
as your bank manager,

I'm not suggesting an
overdraft of 47 pounds,

10 shillings, and four
pence is a serious menace

to the national finances.

Nevertheless, there's no denying

that the country is short of liquid cash.

So I really must insist that
we mark a definite limit

to your borrowing.

I suggest a figure of
two and a half million.

I mean, 25 pounds.

First gear now, madam.

When the lights change, of course.

I have been looking for you everywhere.

Cards at six.

Blimey, it's nearly six o'clock now!

Well, don't sit, there
meditating; get aboard.

There endeth the first lesson.

He's on.

All present and correct, guv'nor, over.

for the recovery of windfall.

The moon and tide are right tonight.

H hour for embarkation is 0130.

H minus five, group
one, move to Hamingwell.

H minus four, group
two, transfer locomotive

from Old Branch Line to Hamingwell Halt

to await windfall.

H minus three, group
three, sail up estuary

to rendezvous windfall at railhead.

H minus two, groups one, four, and five

arrive at Hamingwell.

Hey, it smells of gin.

Dry rot, more like it.

No wonder they can't sell the joint.

Frank, you shoulda quick done it.

What do you see except for the old,

what are we whispering for?

There's no one here.

Sort of an occupational disease, innit?

And we can dispense with the wit.

Now come on, let's get on with it!


We've got burglars!


Burglars? Where?

Hey, girls, there's lots
of fellas outside with cars,

and trucks, and lorries.

She's having again.

11-plus, if you ask me.

Oh, just some young bucks
visiting the sixth, I expect.

Your deal, Veronica.

Gracious me, she's right.

We've got burglars.

It's occupied!


Must be a school.

What are we gonna do, Alf?

Make a grab for it.

Give it to them, girls!

And where do you think you're going?

I'm off.

Oh, no you're not.

You get back in there.

Only a bunch of school kids.



Which way?

Which door?

Which door,

Which door, sir?

Oh, would somebody say?


Hello, guv'nor.

Are you there?

Yes, I'm here.

There has been a calamity!

The house is occupied.

It's been taken over by a girls' school.


But why the hell didn't
you break your way in?

Well it's, it's St. Trinian's guv'nor.

What's happened to him?

He ain't fainted is he?

Hello, guv'nor, are you there?

Of course I'm here, you fool.

I'm thinking.

This means a complete reappraisal.

It'll take time.

I'll call you directly I have the answer.

Well, I hope it isn't long.

I have just had the billing
from my Spanish builders.

Naughts right across the flaming page.

What about me?

I've got the bird out
in posi Ruddy Turner,

shacked up in a three-star hotel,

stuffing herself with spaghetti.

Talk about being lumbered.

The auditors are coming
to the bank next week.

Why don't you give yourself
an overdraft, Leonard?

I have done, you fool.

It's just what I have done.

Ta ta.

Oh dear.

I'm here, guv'nor, over.

I've been
considering this problem all day.

I should have bought that ghastly house.

Now, what we need at that school

is detailed inside reconnaissance.

You've got two daughters
haven't you, Alfred?

Can they be trusted?

Well, they can if it's bent enough.

They must be entered

for St. Trinian's at once.

Well, they aren't public
school girls, guv'nor.

Never mind that.

I'll produce the references.

What are their names?

Well, the 10-year-old's Lavinia,

but look here, guv'nor, they'll-

If anyone asks for me
dad, you ain't seen me.

You don't know nothing, see?

That was Lavinia, guv'nor.

This can't possibly work.

I'm the judge of that.

All you need to tell them
is that a friend of yours

who's inside hid some loot in the school.

Now what's the name of the eldest girl?

Marcia Mary.

Just a second, guv'nor.

It's me again, guv'nor.

That was Marcia.

I want your two girls fitted out

for an interview with the
headmistress on Wednesday.

As far as she is concerned,
they must appear ordinary,

respectable kids.

What, Lavinia and Marcia?

Lord help us.

The slightest suspicion would endanger

the whole operation.

You understand that, Alfred?


Goodnight, guv'nor.


And what have we here, all-in wrestling?

Look, I know it's natural
growing up and all that jazz,

but get off my sofa, and
turn this rabble off.

Leave us alone, Dad.

Can't you see me and
Monty's getting groovy?


Yeah, get back to your hair dryer, mate.

Look, we don't have any
sauce from a BBC bottlewasher.

That is not fair, Dad.

Mont is a junior canteen
operative at TV Center.

Oh, is he?

Yeah, I'm a tea distributor
to the higher executives.

I know more, you know.

I took cup of tea up to old
Malcolm Muggeridge this morning

while he was rehearsing his impromptude.

Oh, Malcolm.

While you with there, you
should have borrowed a quid

from him to pay for that
rinse you had here last week.

Dad, did you come in
here just to talk money?

No, I did not.

I came to tell you I'm
sending you away to school.


Yeah, school.

What the hell for?

To get you away from Dolce
Vita here, for a start.

Hey, what's wrong with me?

Just 'cause I'm a trendsetter.

You look more like a
bleedin' Irish Setter to me.

What all this about school?

Am I going too?

I'm sending you both
to a boarding school.

It's a posh school for girls

where you'll have to
dress properly and wash.


Yes, wash.

One of our science producers told me

washing can be be very harmful.

Would you mind clearing out
and leaving us alone, Dolce?

Coming here with your
hair down to your navel.

I wouldn't have it
cut here anyway, square!


The only hairdresser in West London

to get a silver diploma
for his Lance Harvey cut?

Like I said, square.

Get out of here, buffoon.

Right, now I can talk.

You're going to this school for a reason.

What reason?

A pal of mine's hidden some loot there,

and you're going to case the joint.

What's in it for us?

Oh, yes, I thought that would be coming.

The trouble with you two is you've had it

too much your own way.

Ever since your ma ran
off with that milkman.

This school will do you good.

It'll knock some discipline into you.

It'll teach you to get your values right.

You seem to have made a
very nice job of it, Harry.

It really does look quite dedicated.

Oh yeah, we use free buckets.

It's solid like a bank, innit?

Here, come and have a dego inside.

You know, Amb, ever since I
joined St. T's as a boot boy,

I don't think I've ever been so happy.

God bless the Ministry of Schools.

May the grants go on forever.

And ever, amen.

Special department for the kids.

Private entrance from the drive.

How absolutely charming,
and all different sizes.

Yeah, come with me in a flash.

Sixth form, fifth form,
low one for the tiny tots.

Well, I mean they wanna see
what they're losing, don't they?

Poor little perishers.

Ah, our educational supplies at last.

Come and see the lovely
things I bought, Harry.

Put that one outside the fourth
form laboratory, Magda dear.

Or better still, inside it.

The school library, Harry.


Albertine, darling,
don't forget to divide them

into classical and non-classical.

Do you really think you're gonna

get away with all this, Amb?

My dear Harry, amongst other things,

this place is listed
as an ancient monument.


My bane shop and all?

Yes, Strawberry Hill Gothic.

At least it was.

Well, she'll be all
right from our float then?

How about 500 nicker to be going on with?

I haven't even got 500 pence.

All my bills go directly to the ministry.

Why don't you sell your alpine car?


Flub my status symbol?

No fear.

How about the fees?

I mean some of the parents
must have paid, mustn't they?

Hey, Amber, when you've
done chatting up Flash,

there's a creep downstairs
with two square kids.

Thank you, Lucy dear.

Would you like to show him up?

Those kids coming here?

It depends.

I'm going to interview them.

Cor, I hope I can get my
hand on that little twit.

Hey Amb, these kids,

their old man might have some reddies, eh?

If he has, Harry, I shall have them.

Come on.

All I want is 200 nicker,

and I don't need time for
me being an accountant.

I'll see what I can do, dear.

Say no more.

- Ah.
- Ah.

Mr. Askett, is it not?

Indeed it is, madam.

I am Amber Spottiswood.

Would you like to come in?

Thank you.

Welcome to St. Trinian's.

Now may I present
Marcia Mary and Lavinia.

An honor to meet you, ma'am.

What enchanting manners.

They were at a private seminary, no doubt.

Oh, all too private, I'm afraid.

The poor lambs were only
receiving the three Rs,

so to speak.

Well, it's always nice to
have your Rs to fall back on,

I always say.

Would you like to sit down?

Oh, thank you.

Where should I put this?


Ah, there we are.

Now please don't
misunderstand me, Mr. Askett,

but do I take it that their
mommy has, um, passed on?


To the milkman, madam.

Well, their references
are absolutely splendid.

An admiral and a bishop.


According to the admiral,

they seem to have spent
rather a lot of time at sea.

And according to the bishop,
the rest of the time in church.

Lambeth Palace.

Dear Nicholas.

Well, the sea, I'm
afraid, we cannot offer you,

but I do set great store
by our outdoor activities:

games, and healthy sports.

Now tell me, what are
your favorite subjects?

I know what hers is, madam.

Oh, our girls are frightfully keen

on that, too.

Our biology classes are madly popular.

And what is your favorite subject?



Oh, is that so?

Afraid we haven't got
one of those here yet,

but we're fitting billiard
tables into the old chapel,

and a trampoline in the late
dowager duchess's bedroom.

Oh, come and see.

We're brimming over with plans.

There you see our tennis courts.

Oh, yes.

You'll get a better idea through this.

Oh, thank you.

I see, a present from Brighton.

From a grateful parent
on the Marine parade.

Well, I can't see a thing.

Silly, you've forgotten
to put your sixpence in.

Of course, at the moment, the
tennis court is just a gleam

in my chauffeur-gardener-handyman's eye.

Do you think he'll last that long?

And over there you
see our swimming pool.

Oh, yes.

It stops a little short
of Wembley, doesn't it?

Well, of course we are trying

to get something a little
bit more ambitious.

Such as a hip bath, perhaps?

Tell me, would there be any
chance of my dear children

savoring these delights?

Well, of course, there's a
terrifying long waiting list,

but of course I do try
to make room for children

of exceptional talents.

Quite a haul.

You thieving little swine!

Just you wait 'til I get you home.

Ah, born within the sound of Bow bells.

Well, I think we understand
each other, Mr. Askett.

Anyway, that cuts
the cattle, doesn't it?

The thing is, will you take 'em?

Of course.

They'll fit in the here perfectly.

Yes, I think they will.

My fees are 200 a term each.

Guineas, of course.

Well that's a nice round sum, isn't it?

Can they start Friday?

I don't see why not.

Right? Good.

Now come on, you two; home.

Oh Mr. Askett, I forgot to mention

that I do offer a substantial
discount for spot cash.

Oh? How much?




Right, hold those.

Now let's see what we got here.

Oh, that'll do to be going on with.

I'll send you a receipt later.

Thank you.

And I'll send you the kids.


Oh, you will of course
get another bill later

for the usual extras.


Such as dancing, pianoforte, lighting,

heating, and of course, food.

I'll see the little
darlings on Friday, then.

I'll see you.

Full house.

Four aces; sorry.

How familiar.

Your little hello to the new
girl seems to have boomeranged.

Nice lot of girls, aren't they?

They didn't give me no trouble.

Oh well, suppose we
better go case the joint

for the old man.

We'll start with Amber's
study first, shall we?

Lay her out gently, Magda darling.

She has choir practice at 9:00.

Dicky, Horace, Rodney.

Cor, naffy bird, bloomin' boyfriends.

Here, look.

The Bell Inn Catering Company,

estimate for Parents' Day on the 30th.

Make it at that date, love.

Come on, quick.



Ah, Medley Cart.

The Morris Dancers?

Oh you've got them?


They'll be simply
perfect for Parents' Day.

We'll have them in the meadow.

I mean if we're going madly pastoral,

let's not horse around indoors, what.

Thank you so much, Medley Cart.


Jam again.

Didn't the other girls tell you?

Everything of the slightest
value is locked up in my safe.

Goodnight, you naive little creatures.

Emmendale calling Toupe.

Emmendale calling Toupe.

Hello, Dad.

It's Marcia reporting.

Here, we found out something.

They're gonna have a Parent's
Day here on the 30th.

Yes, on the 30th guv'nor,

the kids saw the caterer's estimates,

and they're holding it in the grounds.

So everybody should be outside.


Caterer's estimates, did you say?

Ask your girls to get me
particulars of the lowest tender

the school's received and call me back.

Right, guv'nor.

Their menu sounds absolutely excellent.

Chicken, and smoked salmon, and champagne,

15 shillings a bottle.

And they actually supply
an experienced toastmaster.

And if my arithmetic is right,

their estimate is 40 pounds
less than the Bell Inn's.

And on paper it's a better value.

Yes, but of course, we
do know the Bell Inn food.

Oh, to hell with the food, dear.

40 quid's 40 quid.

We'll engage this Parkmoor firm,
charge the Bell Inn prices,

and split the 40 quid between us.

I hadn't thought of that.

Oh, how very sensible.




Is Bill Bar favorite for the next?

Was at the last show.

Georgie, you take this.

What is it, Rose.

Half crown, Yankee?

50 quid to win.


Say that again.

You heard.

50 nicker on the nose.

Here, where'd you get
all that folding stuff?

My Aunt Flora just croaked
and left me a packet.

Straight up.


She must have pinched them.

Where from?

There ain't brass farthing in this school.

Not in reddies.

Where could she have got it from, then?

Well, she didn't make them here.

I suggest you leave this
entirely to me, Butters.

Doesn't pay to be emotional.

I'll try, Bassett.

I'll try.

The minister will see you now.

We've got only a few minutes.

What's your problem?

Come on, come on.

Well, minister, we're rather disturbed

at the type of supplier St.
Trinian's are buying from.

What do you mean, exactly?

Well sir, to begin with,
there's the Nature Book Company.

Botany, I presume.

What's wrong with that?

What indeed, sir.

Mad about botany.

The nature isn't natural nature, sir.

It's human nature, if you
know what I mean, sir.

Well, there you are.

Health and fitness.

Crying need in schools these days.

You never heard of the body beautiful?

Eh, Blackwood?

Mad about PT, sir.

It's not only that, sir.

Take the Soho Automatic Machine Company.

All they had in their
showrooms are fruit machines,

I assure you, sir.

Well, they could sell
other stuff, I suppose.

Let's see the account.

Yes, sir.

Here's the invoice.

It says there "laboratory equipment."

It may say that, sir-

What the devil are you fussing about?

Miss Spottiswood is a modern,
progressive headmistress.

All you can do is behave like
a couple of petty-minded,

muckraking, nosy parkers.

Yes, it's really too bad.

The minister's time is extremely valuable.

I've told you before about this
sort of foogling complaint.

Now, come along.

Give me a line.

Any luck, sir?


He wouldn't listen to a word.

What you want is photographic evidence.

What do you mean, liftman?

Go to the school and
photograph everything.

He may be right, Butters.

The camera cannot lie.

I say, I thought he could
bring a thing like that.

I wouldn't mind coming meself, sir.

I've got a camera.

You know, I think I'll do it.

I really do.

I used to do a bit of
photography meself, sir.

Sepia portraits of the
wife in her chemise,

things like that.

Then she went and joined
the Salvation Army.

But I'll get you some
lovely pictures, sir.

Honest I would.

Miss Brenner, find out
times of trains to Hamingwell.

Mr. Butters, you can't
go to that terrible place.

You mustn't.

I must, Lydia.

It's my duty.

What courage!

Hello, is that St. Trinian's?

Put me through to Miss Spottiswood.

Hello, darling.

I thought I ought to tell you, my love,

I've just had my heads of department in

about some of your um, purchases.

I don't know what you've been buying,

but do please try to remember

it's supposed to be an educational grant.

Are you trying to bully me, Horace?

Of course not, but do please be careful.

After all, there's such a lot at stake.

What's that music?

A tango, darling.

Do you remember you and I at
the Tower Ballroom, Blackpool?

Aye, the party conference.

That time we set out clause four together.

Shall I ever forget?

Goodbye Horace, heavenly heart.

10 grand for two and a half million?

How mean can you get?

Oh, come on Butters.


I'm doing my best, Bassett.

Mr. Bassett, give me a hoist.

Bassett, look in there.

Male interlopers.

What, here?

It's an orgy!

We simply must get a picture of this.

I haven't seen something like this

since my sister's wedding.

Let's have a look-see
if I can reach up there.

A photograph of these
excesses could well unmask

this whole sordid imposture.

Oh, it's too good to be true.

Get a move on!

I'm doing my best, Mr. Bassett.

Come and help me, will you?

Look lively, you two.

I really have no
experience with this sort of-


Gosh, you should see what's going on!

All right.

Come on, you two.

Go on.

Excuse, me, Mr. Butters.

Yes, yes, come help.


Up you go.

Ooh, careful!

All right.

Get on.

The great thing is speed.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Doing fine.

Hurry up!

Get a move on.

Don't rush me, Mr. Bassett.

If you rush me, I won't
get a proper picture.

Well, what are you
stopping and listening for?

I'm waiting for them to get hot.

Oh, that's it!

Say when.

You lot from the peephole?

Making another fearless expose?

Here, off it.

Go on.


Little girl, which is the way
to the headmistress's study?

Amber's pad?

Around the corner, third door.

Around the corner, third door.

Come on!

Who'd you reckon they are?

Must be the bums again.

What do you want to
see the headmistress for?

Now we have the evidence,
we must confront her.

Give her fair warning
that her wicked empire

is collapsing about her ears.

Girls, we've just told you...


Mr. Keffler.

What the hell are
you fellows doing here?

Who gave you authority?

You wouldn't listen to us, Minister.

We were determined to bring you proof.

What do you think I'm doing here?

Officially, I came down
for Parents' Day tomorrow.

Unofficially, I'm finding
out what's going on.

And just while I'm about
to bring this headmistress-

Horace, darling,

lovely untamed egghead,

get rid of those silly girls

and flutter back to your lady love.

That headmistress must be his concubine.

My Lord, Amber, I'm ruined.

Them are my two heads of department.

Oh, well why didn't
you say so, my darling?

I must get rid of this silly thing.

Hello, girls.

What do you want, Amb?

Oh, I'm so sorry to
disturb you, my darlings,

but there are some nasty men
sneaking about the place,

trying to put an end to our happy days.

Dispose of them, would you my darlings?

With what we know now,
he's bound to resign.

Means the end of his
parliamentary career.

They'll probably kick him
upstairs to the House of Lords.

Allow 10 minutes to transfer windfall

to Hamingwell Halt.

Leave Halt at 1500 hours.

You will then be switched to the main line

that will be clear
between 15:10 and 15:55.

Proceed through Fordbridge
Station using duplicate lever

to disused line to Brides Bay.

Join boat there at 16:20.

Cast off 16:40.

Now to recap, at 1100
hours on Parents' Day,

our catering van will
arrive at St. Trinian's.

Aren't we eating in the open, then?

I'm afraid not, Miss.

The weather forecast
says it's gonna be fine,

and we know what that means.

Now them bundles marked
Bank of Scotland, Mr. Doakes.

My name is Noakes, not Doakes.

That's what I said, Mr. Doakes.

I can't understand a word he's saying.

Are you eating something?

No, I've got adenoids.

I said they're in bundles
marked Bank of Scotland.

The num, the number, the
number on this wrapper is 645X.


645X, 645X.

It's there!

Where can I meet you Mr...

The name's Marples.

Here, you know the Rose
and Crown at West Oak End?

Can you be there in a couple of hours?

Yes, I think so, Mr. Marples.

How shall I know you?

I'll be wearing a pink carnation

so there can't be no mistake.

See ya.

Get back on the queue!

Blimey, Mr. Parker, you
haven't paid for over a year.

Only got 50 quid on me.

Oh, that'll do to be going on with.

Next, please.

Oh, Mr. Badger, out already.

You must have been a good boy.

Give generously to
save pussy from the fire.

Ah, buzz off.

Eyes down.

Let Madam Albertine tell your fortune.


I see you are a businessman.

Child, Nespa?


Cor, what you got there?

Take your hands off that.

It's one of those instant cameras.

Now push off.

I'm on business.

You Mr. Noakes?

That's right.

Can I get you a drink?

Don't let's waste time, Mr. Noakes.

This is too hot to hold.

I'm the only geezer bard of villains

knows where this load of lot is stashed.

Bard of villains, I said,

and they'll coming back
to pick it up soon.

So I reckon what I know is
worth a packet, Mr. Noakes.

The advertised reward is 10,000 pounds.

Chicken feed, Mr. Noakes; chicken feed.

That's not a reward, that's a deterrent.

What had you in mind?

10%, usual agent's fee.

250,000 pounds?

Or near offer.

Mr. Marples.

Who's he?

Oh yeah, yeah.

Any such sum is entirely
out of the question.

All right, you don't know me.

You'd never recognize me
again without my disguise.

I got a fast car outside,
false number plates,

disappear out of thin air.

Harry Hackett, innit?

Then where are you?


I didn't recognize you
with them black peepers on.

Here, meet the new wife.

This is Harry.

Flash, they call him at St. Trinian's.

We're just going over here now, Flash.

See you there, eh?

Thank you very much, Mr. Hackett.

That's all I really wanted to know.

No, just a minute, Mr. Noakes.

A joke's a joke.

Mr. Noakes!

Mr. Noakes, don't you wanna
hear my last word, Mr. Noakes?

Time check three.

On target, guv'nor.

All going smoothly.

Not so smoothly as you think Alfred.

Listen carefully.

I've just learned that Noakes,
the insurance assessor,

has been seen near the school
talking to an unknown man.

If Noakes comes to the school
today, he must be eliminated.



I said eliminated.

I see.

But how do we know what he looks like?

If you press buttons X and M

in that order, Alfred,

you will receive a radio
photograph of Noakes,

and be careful with that camera, Alfred.

It cost a fortune to convert.



I can see, I can see.

Are you there, Horace, my love bird?

A simply wonderful haul,

and with the bar and bingo still to come.

420 pounds and the odd silver.

It's an absolute record for Parents' Day,

and without the slightest
hint of any violence.

Amber, I'm worried about
my two heads of department.

What are they gonna
see when they get back?

Oh my darling lusty lad, you do fret so.

My sixth form girls
will take care of them.

A few interestingly posed pictures,

you know the sort of thing.

But that's blackmail.

Of course, darling.


Oh, do hurry, Horace, lambkin.

Otherwise the smoked
salmon will go all curly.

Ah, there we are.

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon to you.

Lovely weather.


Thank you.

Here, I know you, don't I?

Ain't you Gilbert?

Used to go to Catford
dogs with my old man?

Catford dogs?

I've never been east of Park Lane, Miss.

What's that knocking?

Something wrong with your water pipes?

That'll be your gnomes from the ministry

blundering about in the cellarage.

This must lead somewhere.

We've only got a couple of matches left.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

after the opening speech
from our splendid minister,

there will be Morris Dancing

sponsored by our beloved arts council.

Then the fourth form choir will sing

"The Ball of Kirriemuir"
followed by maypole dancing

and Strip the Willow.

I'm not playing.

Be quiet, Willow Metcalf.

And of course our
refreshment tent's motto is

"We never close."

Thank you, Miss Amber
Spottiswood, Bachelor of Arts.

And now your worship,
ladies and gentlemen,

pray proceed to the playing
fields for the opening ceremony.

Come on, boys.

Look lively.

Oy, oy, some kids nipped my transmitter!


Cor you went off-copy from the guv'nor.

Your worship, ladies and gentlemen,

please silent for the Right
Honorable Horace Plattford,

PC, MP, minister of state.

Your worship, ladies and
gentlemen, good afternoon.

I little thought,

when I was invited to
this progressive school-

Saint X clear now,

Lady James lying second with Man of Adams,

then comes Hot Toddy-

This, uh, progressive school.

Bastion of education.

In spite of its checkered career.

I've been asked to declare.

Eclairs joins Beauchamp now.

They've come up neck and neck.

Reggae's in last now.

Reggae's opening up,
Venus is right behind him-

They're coming up the stretch now.

Beauchamp's still there.

There's only 100 yards now.

Now here comes Nevermore.

Thank you so much, Mr. Minister,

for your scintillating opening.

Now due to the weather, the Morris dancing

will take place indoors.

It only a passing shower, madam.

Due to the weather,
the rest of the program

will take place within
the ballroom forthwith.

Would you bring your chairs
with you, ladies and gentlemen.

It's only a passing shower, madam.

To the ballroom!

They're coming back!

What's up?

They're coming back.

What do we do now?

Make sure nobody gets back here.

I told them it was
only a passing shower.

Jim, come on, hurry up.

Get out of the way!

Where's he going?

Is that the police station?

This is Harry Hackett at
St. Trinian's speaking.

Now, listen carefully.

I know where I lay my hands
on the train robbery loot,

and I am claiming the official reward.

Got it?

You're the 11th claimant we've had

since they offered a reward,
and that's only this county.

I'll make a note of it.

Hello, hello?

Hey, Harry, what do you think of this?

Lucy's dad just gave it to her.

You have to plug it.

Not now, not now.

I'm not interested in cameras
outside photo finishes.


Hello, is that you Alfred?

I've been trying to get
you for over an hour.

What's that?

Get off the line, will you?

Here, Harry, it's on here, not there.

What is?

Cor, look, it's got a radio as well.

What is it?

Have you forgotten again, Alfred,

which buttons to press?

Button C.

Go on Harry, try it.

No, you try it.


Can you hear me?

Correction to time schedule.

Your train must leave Hamingwell Halt

five minutes earlier
because the main down line

will now only be clear until 1550.

Secondly, the unknown man

seen talking to the assessor
Noakes has now been identified.

Unknown man?


This man is a menace to us.

Eliminate him.

Hey, what's that?

What'd he say?

I said eliminate him.

If you press buttons X and M,

you'll get a picture of this man.

Oh, no.

Oh blimey, it's me.

And now your worship,
ladies and gentlemen,

it gives me simply enormous
pleasure to present

those sterling resuscitators
of ancient tradition,

the Westminster Morris Men.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we shall dance for you,

Queen's Delight.

They're on; keep at it.


That means they'd have to
be away from Hamingwell

by half past three.

They must be here now!

That waiter, I knew I knew him.

It's them caterers.



Come on!


Faster, faster!

What's the matter with you?

I got it!

Keep dancing; I'll
explain after 32 bars.

Don't stand there ossified; dance.

I know that face, surely.

Let's get the hell out of there.

Come on!

Wait a minute, he ain't here.

Who ain't here?

Alfred ain't here.

We make pincer movement.

You lot go around the back.

I'll take 'em, Harry.

Leave it to me.

Okay, the rest of us,
we'll rush the front.


Ready girls?


What is it?

It's the caterers.

They're the train robbers.



Good gracious!

I'm going to claim the reward.

Look, there they go.

I've got the alpine out,

so we'll beat 'em to the main line.

Here get your bikes out.

Yeah, we can pinch
a car from the car park.

All right.

Hello, is that the police station?

My name is Amber Spottiswood,
headmistress of St. Trinian's,

and I would like to claim
the train robbery reward.

That makes number 12, ma'am.

I'll make a note of it.

Thanking you, ma'am.


Oh dear, I've been cut off.

Amber, what's going on here-

What do you mean, "what's going on?"

What's you-

Here, look.


Good gracious.

Hamingwell sir?

I'm ringing urgently
about that train robbery.

You'll be claiming
the reward, I take it?

Claiming it, man?

I'm giving it.

I'm Edward Noakes, insurance
assessor for the robbery.

The two and a half million
pounds you are looking for

has just left St. Trinian's School.

I'll make a note of it.



They've got the money, in the train,

at St. Trinian's.


All right?


To the ministry with all speed.

Ah, caught you red-handed.

I say, officer, will you let me go!

You don't seem to realize.

Ooh, officer,
officer, we're from the ministry!

Mr. Bassett, it's the gaffer.

So it is.

He can vouch for us, can't you, sir?

Can you, sir?

I've never seen these
men before in my life.


Come on, move it.

That's the lot.

All aboard.

They're making for the main line.

We've got a brake and signal boxes here.

We can stop 'em by by Elcott Wood.

Straight on!

We'll go on to Fordbridge station

and see what we can pick up there.

There's the main line.

Give Joe a toot.

Get down!

What do you think you're doing?

Come on, get out!

Quick, get a stick.

Here, use this.

Get down!

We gotta stop 'em.

Up distant, own down.

Own down, this is the one.

Hey, what's gone wrong?

The signal's against us.

What's up, then?

The guv'nor said the main
line'll be clear 'til 3:55.

How far's the old branch line, then?

Can't be more than half
a mile, according the map.

Well, let's get on then.

There's nothing ahead.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, wait a minute!

We can't while the signal's at danger.

Yeah but we can't wait now.

What's going on then?

It's changed!

The signal's changed.

Well, come on, what are we waiting for?

Push the starter.

Off with it.

There's no engine driver.

Who's going to drive?

Mona; her dad was an engine driver.

Piece of cake.

Come on, everybody, get yourself in.

Sir, you know the up train
that will go to Pudham, sir?

Well, it won't go to Pudham,
sir, because it has gone.

There's another signal against us.


Oh no, not another.

Wait a minute, fool,
that's the way we're going:

Brides Bay.

Who's got the lever?

Here it is.

Oh my.

All right, let's get out.

Come on.


All right, come on.

Hey, Jim, where you going with that?

Chucking it in the ditch there.

Don't want no one to follow us.

Yeah, it's a good idea.

Right, we're off.

I can smell the sea breezes already.

Hurry up, you lot.

'Tain't there.


What's up?

It ain't there.

What ain't there?

The van with the loot in it.



It ain't there.

What ain't there?

The van.

The van.

What the...



Well, where's it gone to, then?

I nearly counted, it ain't there.

Look, there it is.

Well, how'd it happen, then?

Some fool didn't couple it up properly.

Well back up the line and get it, then.

Heya, boys.

What about the points?

Yeah, let's get the points.

Yeah, let's get moving then.

Hey, where's the level, then?

I hid it.

You big twit!

Who's a big twit?

You are!

All right, this isn't a union meeting.

You did right, Jim.

Now where did you put it?

In the ditch over there.


You big twit!

Why chuck it there?

Come on, let's get it.

Here, I've got something.


Come on.

If we paddle about here much longer,

somebody's gonna come along
that blasted main line.

Something is coming along it.

- Aye?
- Aye?

How's that?

I got it!

I found it!

- That's it.
- Yeah.

Come on.

Oh, my shoe!

You don't need that.

You're not hiking.

No, but I must have it.

Stop the train.

Look out!

Stop, Mona!



We've gotta get away with the loot.

Somewhere safe.

What about me Dad?

He's in the lorry business near Pudham.

I'll hop off and phone him.

Come on, Doris.

You drive on to Pudham.

Don't forget to tell him

to shove on his false number plates.

He never takes them off.


We're hooked up.

Right away, Mona.

It's those school kids!

They've pinched all the money.

After them.

Come on, after them.

Two and a half million quid.

We ain't got much pressure.

Well, get some more pressure on.

They're gaining on
us; open it up, quick!

No, no, no, no, no, I'm
speaking the honest truth, sir.

The up train has departed
on the down line, sir.

Just one moment, sir.

Hello, sir.

Now the up train has
passed down on the up line.

I think.

Just a moment, sir.

They're coming back.

Both of them!

I'll fix them.

Wait a minute, we're going
back to where we started.

Back to the school.


I think someone's mess us about.

Get over to that signal box.

Mona, back now!

Not yet; wait for Harry.

Where we going?



Quick, the signal box.

Change the points.

Are you quite sure

you know how to work this
sort of thing, Mabel?

Not in the least.

One can but try.


Headmistress at St. Trinian's.

I claim the reward
regarding the train robbers.

My name is Amber Spottiswood,

I'm the headmistress at St. Trinian's.

- Back!
- Back!

Get a move on, quickly!

To the pond, everybody.

Come on, after me.

Here it is!

Quick, quick!

Out of the way!



Hey, there are two
stolen trains on this line.

Our information is that
they're ahead of us.

Right, follow them.


Yes, sir.

Oh, stop, there's a train up ahead.

She's right, Mona, quick!



They're slowing down.


They are cornered.

Oh no, the crooks!

What are they gonna do now?

It's all right; it's moving on.


Oh, me foot!

Back, back!

Back in, everybody.

Clear in our loop, bloomin' kids.

Come on, quick!

Quick, our turn!

Come on, get a move on!

Who's driving this thing?

Excuse me, sir.

Two trains answering the
description of the wanted trains

are proceeding in our rear
immediately behind us, sir.

Oh, good heavens, there they are.

Stop, driver.

Stop the train.

They're stopping again.



They're stopping!


Here's our chance!

Hey, rozzers!

Back, back!

That way!

It's the police!

It has to be a lot; we've
claimed that reward.

Quick; the other way.


Get down to the other
end and follow that train.


Follow those trains!

Headmistress at St. Trinian's,

and I claim the reward
regarding the train robbery.

I'm Amber Spottiswood,
headmistress at St. Trinian's,

and I would like to claim the reward

in regards to the train robbery.

Oh my goodness, they're
going the other way.


Come on, faster, faster!

Can't go any faster
without any more pressure.

Well, put some more coal on, then.

Wait a minute, shut up.

Shut up!

Let's have some organization about this.

Oh, sorry, old boy.

Where've they got to?

Over here.

They're going down the other line.

Cor, out two and a half million nick

by going the wrong way.

Where we off to now?


I know.

Hey, look!


Well, stone the crows.

I am Amber Spottiswood.

I'm the one responsible, the
headmistress at St. Trinian's

and I claim the reward
regarding the train robbery.

Brake, brake, brake, brake!

Go on, boys.

Make a run for it.

And the best of luck.

Hello, I would like to speak

to the superintendent, please.

Well, I'm very sorry to
interrupt him at his tea time,

but you see, it is very
important that I...

Oh, hello, sir.

Sir, you promised me only two
trains a day on the up line

and the down line is laid down
in the rules and the regs,

but 20 trains a minute,
upside down and sideways!

That is not cricket, and it
is not British sportsmanship.

No, no, no, no.

I'm sorry, sir.

I am packing him in.

Goodbye, honored sir.


Good evening.

Me also packing me nally, boy.

We abscond together.

Goodness gracious, yes.

Oh, well done, officers.

Knock them about democratically.

Look, there's Lily's dad.

Hello, Lily's dad.

Lily's dad, hello.

Cor, coppers, quick!

Come on, let's get it out fast.

Hey, hold on, we can't do this.

It's not legal.

We won't get away with it.

Sure we'll get away with it.

We always do.

Congratulations, girls.

Wonderful piece of work.


I'm the superintendent.

I am Harry Hackett, turf
accountant to St. Trinian's,

and hereby claim the
reward for information-

Too late, son, too late.

These heroic girls here, they've
brought back the whole lot.

Look at it.

Look at it!

Heavens, honey boy.

The police!


Amber, darling!

Hello, my sweetiest.

Are you alone?

Mad grenadier, for you, always.

Oh, those terrible dustmen.