The Great Muppet Caper (1981) - full transcript

(roars)

(Kermit)Pretty nice
up here, isn't it?

(Fozzie)Kermit?
Huh?

(Fozzie)What if we
drift out to sea?

What if we're never
heard from again?

What if there's a storm?

Or we get struck
by lightning?

That'd be neat.

Listen, nothing's
gonna happen.

This is just
the opening credits.

Oh. Where are they?



Wow!

(Kermit)
"The Great Muppet Caper."

(Fozzie)Nice title.

(Gonzo)Whoo-wee!

I'd like to try this
without the balloon.

Try what?
Plummeting?
Yeah!

I suppose you
could try it once.

Kermit?

Mm?

How long are these
opening credits?

Just about another
minute or so.

My ears are popping.

(Gonzo)I wonder how far
you could plummet before
you blacked out.

(Kermit)Well,
don't try it, Gonzo.



We need you for this movie.

(Gonzo)Sure is tempting.

(Fozzie)Kermit?

Huh?
(Fozzie)What does
"BSC" stand for?

I don't know.

Gee, a lot of people

worked on this movie.

This is nothing.

Wait till you see
the end credits.

(Fozzie)Kermit?
Mm?

(Fozzie)Are the credits over?
Not quite.

(Fozzie)Nobody reads those
names anyway, do they?

(Kermit)Sure.
They all have families.

Ah.

That's it.
The sky is clear.

So, OK.

Well, now what do we do?

I mean, how does
this movie start?

Well, we just
pull that rope.
Yes, sir!

(escaping air)

(all scream)

(Kermit)We're going down!

Heads up, below!

(commotion)

What a fantastic beginning.

(♪"Hey, A Movie")

♪There'll be spectacle
There'll be fantasy

♪There'll be derring-do

♪And stuff like you
have never seen

♪Hey, a movie

♪Yeah, we're gonna be a movie

♪Starring everybody
♪And me

♪There'll be heroes bold
There'll be comedy

♪And a lot of fuss
that ends for us real happily

♪Hey, a movie

♪We can watch it all develop

♪Starring everybody

♪And me

♪We'll take the world
and set it on its ear

♪Come on, join in
We're gonna start right here

It's OK.
I landed on my head.

Come on!
(horn)

Here, chicken!

Hey! Why, you...

Whoa!

Hold it!
(sudden silence)

Go ahead, Kermit.

Thank you.
See, in this film,

me and Fozzie play crack
investigative reporters
forThe Daily Chronicle.

And Gonzo,
he's our photographer.
And it's gonna be terrific.

(all scream)

Boy, I wish I were you people,
seeing this
for the first time.

(Fozzie)Wh...?

♪There'll be crooks and cops

♪There'll be villainy

♪But with us on call
we'll fix it all real easily

♪Hey, a movie

♪Wow, it's gonna be terrific

♪Starring everybody

And me.

(crunch)
Argh!

Now, what we need, guys,
is an exciting photo story.

Right this way,
young lady.

I'll take a picture
of this chicken.

Beautiful.

That's great, Gonzo.
Yeah. Smile,
chicky babe.

My jewels!
That man stole my jewels!

Help! My jewels!

Look up. Hey, do you wanna
make the front pages or not?

Kermit, I got a great
picture of the chicken.
Oh, good.

♪There'll be mystery
and catastrophe

♪But it's all in fun
You paid the money,
wait and see

♪Hey, a movie

♪Is there any way to stop it?

♪Starring everybody

♪Everybody

♪Everybody and

♪Oh...

♪Me ♪

(sighs)

How could you miss
a story like that?

(all yelp)

It was right under your noses,

practically bit you
on the seat of the pants.

There's just no excuse.

I guess this would
be the wrong
time to ask for a raise?

Raise? A raise?

I'll give you a raise!

Did you read these
headlines? Huh?

"Jewel heist on Main Street."

And it's nice bold print,
isn't it?

Yes, it's very
easy to read.
Mm.

Shut up now.

Sorry.

"Lady Holiday's
Jewels Stolen,"

that's what it
says in theTimes.

And here's theHerald.

"Fashion Queen
of London Robbed."

And last but not least...

(laughs)

...here's our cute
little banner story.

"Identical Twins Join
the Chronicle Staff."

Now, I ask you,
what paper would you buy?

I read the one
that has "Dear Abby."

Bah!
(shrieks)

(laughs nervously)

Gee, Mr. Tarkanian.

We thought identical
twins working on a newspaper

would make an
interesting story.
Yeah.

Well, it doesn't.

Especially since you two guys
don't look anything alike.

Well, that's 'cause Fozzie's
not wearing his hat.

Fozzie, put your hat back on.
Oh. Yes, sir. See?

Oh, yeah.

I can see it now.

But that's still no excuse
for blowing a story.

We'll do better next time.

Next time?
Next time?

What makes you think
there's gonna be a next time?

Well, if there
isn't it's gonna
be a real short movie.

Look, the only reason
I hired you two jerks

was because your old man
was a friend of mine.

(Fozzie)Dad spoke
well of you too.

Well, I'm as sentimental
as the next guy.

That's why I don't
want him to hear this.

You're fired.
(gasp)

Take that thing
down off the ceiling.

Yeah, but, Mr. Tarkanian...

Gonzo.
Check.

Whoo-wee!
Won't you listen
to reason, sir?

I'm not listening to anything
and I'm not giving
you your job back.

I don't want you
to give us anything.

We just want to go to England
and talk to Lady Holiday -
the woman who was robbed?

And we'll catch those
jewel thieves for you.

You see, all you have to do
is pay our way to London.

Oh! Is that all I have to do?

Well, we could use some
new luggage for the trip.

Luggage?
(all yelp)

Now look, beat it.
I got a deadline to meet.

But how are we gonna
get to London?
I'll tell you what, Fozzie,

since you're such an
investigative reporter,
you figure it out.

I'm Fozzie.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
The hat.

Stop the presses!

Why? What happened?

I don't know.
I've always wanted
to say that.

Look, you guys...
(Gonzo laughs)

(farmyard noises)

(Kermit)Oh, boy.
It must be 50 below in here.

(Fozzie)You're lucky,
you have fur.

(Kermit)No, no, no.
You're the one with the fur.

Turn on your light
and see for yourself.

Oh, yeah!

I keep mixing us up.

(Kermit)I think
I'll read for a while.

I wish I had a book.
Hey, Kermit?

Can you reach the hostess
call button? I'm hungry.

They don't serve food
in ninth class.
(gunfire)

What? $12 and you don't
even get a meal?

Hey, could you guys
keep it down?

I'm trying
to watch the movie.

(sighs)

Hey, somebody's coming.

Maybe they're
bringing hamburgers.

All out for England!

Oh, great,
the plane is landing.

The plane?

Nah, the plane
lands in Italy.
Huh?

You land in England.
Whoa!

Kermmmmiiitt!

What's happening?

Whoopee!(laughs)

(Fozzie)Geronimo!

(Gonzo laughs)

(Kermit)Glug!

For once the
forecast was right.

It said it was going
to rain cats and dogs.

No, no.
We're bears and frogs.
And Gonzos.

Whatever you are,
whoever you are,

welcome to Great Britain.

Great Britain?
We're actually
in Great Britain!

Oh, no, we'll never
get to England now.

You are in England,
my furry friend.

This 'sceptered isle.

This jewel
of the North Atlantic.

Oh, good.
Well, we're going to London

and we were wondering if you
could recommend a nice hotel.

Actually, a cheap hotel.
How cheap?

Free.

That narrows the field a bit.

Let's see.

"Places where you can park
your carcasses."

Bus terminals. River banks.

The Happiness Hotel.

Happiness Hotel?
That sounds great.

What's wrong with
bus terminals?

Well, thanks a lot
for your help, sir.

(Kermit)Hey, guys,
this is London.

(Fozzie)Yeah, London!
We made it! Oh, boy!

(Gonzo)Is that
the Eiffel Tower?
(Fozzie)Yeah!

(Kermit)No.
(Fozzie)No, no.

Hey, Kermit?
Yeah?

Are bears allowed
in those fountains?
What?

Are bears allowed
in those fountains?

No, I don't think so.
I need a bath.

(Fozzie)This is terrific.

Wow, look at the scenery.

(Gonzo)It's very realistic.

Hey, what's the name
of this river?
(Kermit)I don't know.

(Fozzie)I think
it's the English River.

(Kermit and Gonzo)Oh.

(Gonzo)I'll take
a picture of it.

Say cheese!

(Fozzie)Did I get
my elbow in the shot?

Don't worry.
It adds human interest.
But I'm a bear.

Anyone for
the Happiness Hotel?
Huh?

Oh, Happiness Hotel!
That's us!

Yes, we want
the Happiness Hotel.
Yeah.

Argh!

Wow.

Boy, another crash landing.
That was terrible.

Well, we'll just
have to do it again.

Oh, look.
The Happiness Hotel.

What do you think, guys?

(Fozzie)Wow.

If that's
the Happiness Hotel

I'd hate to see what
the sad one looks like.

(snoring)

(Kermit)Excuse me?
What?

We'd like a room.
(fly buzzes)

Really?

Yeah, we'd like
to check in.

Somebody's checking in!
(bell)

Somebody's checking in?

(♪"Happiness Hotel")

♪Oh, there's no fire
in the fireplace

♪There's no
carpet on the floor

♪Don't try to order dinner

♪There's no kitchen anymore

♪But if the road's
been kinda bumpy

♪And you need to rest a spell

♪Well, welcome home
to the Happiness Hotel

Hey, how are you guys
fixing to pay?
What are our choices?

A, credit card.
B, cash.

C, sneak out
in the middle
of the night.

We'll take C.

Very popular choice.
(fly buzzes)

♪If you got luggage
keep it handy

♪But you're running
out of luck

♪'Cause the bellhops
ain't too organized

♪And the elevator's stuck

♪Still if you don't mind
friendly animals

♪And can learn
to stand the smell

♪Well, welcome home
to the Happiness Hotel

You know, I may be mistaken,
but the bellhops
look like rats.

You should see
the chambermaids.

♪Welcome home
♪Welcome home

♪Welcome home
♪Welcome home

♪No matter where you wander

♪You will never do as well

♪OK, the lobby's
looking shabby

♪And it's got the
wrong address

♪And the whole dang thing
has been condemned

♪by American Express

♪Still the management
is cheerful

♪Though the whole joint's
gone to hell

♪Well, welcome home
to the Happiness Hotel

You guys live here?
Yeah, but only between gigs.

So that means we've been here
this time, what, five years?

Yeah, but, like,
OK, you know,

our agent, you know, like,
he says, I mean, like,

things are really
going to break

as soon as we get
our new glossies.

Argh!

What's wrong with the drummer?
He looks a little crazed.

Aw, he's just upset about
missing the Rembrandt exhibit
at the National Gallery.

(Animal)Renoir!

♪Oh, there are bugs
♪There are bugs

♪And there are lice
♪There are lice

♪Sure, we have
our little problems

♪But you'll never
beat the price

♪You got every kind of critter

♪You got every kind of pest

♪But we treat
'em all as equals

♪Just like any other guest

♪Though you're cleaner
than the others

♪Still, as far as we can tell

♪You'll fit right in
to the Happiness Hotel

♪We'll fit right in

♪To the Happiness Hotel ♪

Say cheese!

(Gonzo laughs)

You are all weirdos. Ugh.

(strain)
Oh, that's just fine
right there.

(clears throat)

Thank you.

Hey, not bad.

Are you sure
we can afford this?

Hey, Kermit, I'm
getting hungry.

Call room service.
There's no phone.

(Rizzo)That's OK.
There's no food either.
(rat)Come on, Rizzo.

Look, why don't we forget
about food and get a good
night's sleep?

We have to get up early
to interview Lady Holiday.

Boy, I sure could
use something

from one or more
of the basic food groups.

We'll have breakfast
in the morning.

Right now, let's just
be thankful we're here.

(springs boing)
(all yell)

(Gonzo, muffled)
Say, this is nice.

(Kermit, muffled)Can somebody
turn out the light?

(smash)

Thank you.

This is Lady Holiday.

Milan speaking?
Then put him on.

Oh, yes, darling.
Yes, I'm fine.

I had quite a scare.
Thank God I wasn't hurt.

Of course my diamonds
were valuable.

All my diamonds
are valuable.

Now, darling, I want you
to call the United States
and tellVogue

they can't have the
photographs of the spring line
until after the show.

I'm not too happy
with some of the designs.

Still have to
make some changes.

(murmurs of approval)

(yelps)

Well, I'm looking
at three of the gowns now

and I can see
horrendous mistakes.

Of course Paris
should be notified.

Carla. The neckline
on that gown
is too high, don't you think?

I rather like the effect.
Do you like looking
like an ostrich?

Of course not.
And Marla.

Too many frills
and furbelows.

I don't think we should strive
for the fantail pigeon look,
do you?

And you, Darla.

That outfit's the pits.

Loose where it should
be tight and tight
where it should be loose,

like the folds
on a turkey's neck.

Why would I design such
atrocious-looking clothes?

Oh!

I must be getting senile.
(woman) Yes, Lady Holiday?

We have to make drastic
changes in the new line
before the show tomorrow.

All my girls are going around
looking like barnyard animals.

(someone clears their throat)

Good heavens.
Who are you?

My name is Miss Piggy

and I would like to be
a high-fashion model.

Doesn't surprise me.

Seems to be the way
we're heading.

I've always dreamed
of being a Holiday model.

I have brought my
je ne sais quoi

and my portfolio all
the way here to London

to see you, the one
and only Lady Holiday.

May I come in?
Absolutely not.

May I show you
my portfolio?
No.

Good. Here.

You may open it.

Ah.

This is me
reeking grandeur.

Being aloof.

(laughs)
Being demure.

Ah. Daring.

Interesting range
of emotions.

You think so?

Well, as you can see
from this small sampling,

modeling is my life.

It is my destiny.
I shall accept nothing less.

I can offer you a job
as a receptionist.

(shrieks with delight)

I'll take it!
I'll take it!

Oh, thank you, thank you!
Thank you!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

You won't be sorry,
I promise. I can type,

I can take shorthand,
I can make coffee.

I can do it all.
Sit.

I can sit.
I'm very good at sitting.

Are you quite under control?

Mm, mm, mm, mm!

Now, I'll be lunching
with my brother Nicky.

He's second in command here

and he's an
irresponsible parasite.

But I had to bring
him into the business

because he squandered
his half of the inheritance

and he has categorically
no prospects.

Not that he's grateful.

He still gambles
and incurs bad debts,

uses my charge accounts,
eats my food

and borrows my cars
without asking permission.

And certainly
he's not to be trusted.

I wouldn't even put it past
him to try to steal my most
valuable and largest jewel,

the fabulous Baseball Diamond.

And I don't know why his bow
ties are always crooked.

Still, in all,
he is my brother.

Why are you telling
me all this?

It's plot exposition.
It has to go somewhere.

Anyway, I want you to answer
the telephone while I'm gone

and straighten
up the office.

Consider it done.

Everything's under control.
Not to sweat.

Carry on.
I'll be back in an hour.

Whee!

Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy!

Oh, I am going
to be a famous model.

Oh, I'm so happy for me.

Miss Piggy,
you are on your way.

(giggles)

Where does
Lady Holiday get off
calling me an ostrich?

We'll get even with
Lady Holiday tonight

when we steal
her necklace.

What are you going to wear
for the robbery?

Hi.

Hi. Hello.

Hubba hubba!

Excuse me, where's
Lady Holiday's office?

Round the corner,
to the left.
Oh. Thank you.

Did you just give
directions to a frog?
I guess I did.

Smile.

Is that
a new photographer?

Urgh!

I think I'm stuck.

Gonzo? Gonzo!

Gonzo. Gonzo.

Pull.

Gonzo, are you OK?

Oh, sure.
It was just my nose.

Hey, you guys stay here.
I'll find Lady Holiday.
Yes, sir.

Hey, Fozzie. Come on,
get your nose in here.
It's really fun.

Mr. Holiday? Did you order
a gross of flowered socks?

(Piggy)Oh! What an honor.
You're all so wonderful.

Thank you for choosing moi
as model of the year.

Oh! I never dreamed
when I first began
in this business

that I would reach
such lofty heights.

Thank you!
Thank you!

Excuse me.

So, what do you think
about the drapes, hm?

Personally, I'd rather
see shutters. Yes.

And on this wall here...

(screams)

(whimpers)

Lady Holiday?

Lady Holiday?

Gee, are you OK?

I don't think
I'll ever be the same.

Pardon?
Oh.

I mean, I don't usually
fall like that.

I thought it was
a very nice fall.

It was quite graceful,
actually.

Oh, thank you,
whoever you are.

My name is Kermit the Frog

and I've come all
the way from America

to interview you
forThe Daily Chronicle.

Me? Why me?

Because you're
Lady Holiday.

Oh. Oh.

Yeah, right.
Reason enough.

(giggles)Um...

You wanna help me
out of this wastebasket?
Oh.

Oh, yeah.
Now just pull.

OK.
(strains)

Harder.
OK.

(breathes heavily)

So... listen.

Can I ask you a couple
of questions now?

No, no.
Um... Not here.

So busy.
So much to do.

Well, perhaps we could
have dinner tonight?

Yes. Fine. Swell.
See you then.

I'll pick you up
at your house.
It must be beautiful.

I'm sure it is.
Hm?

(laughs nervously)
I mean, sure it is!

Yeah.

So, where do you live?

Um... Guess!

Probably some highbrow
street somewhere.

Highbrow Street,
absolutely right.

Highbrow Street.

How did you guess?
Are you psychic?

But now, guess what number.

I don't know.
Number 17?

Yes, all right.
17 Highbrow Street.

OK. I'll pick you up at,
shall we say...

eight o'clock?
5:30?

4:15?
9:20?

(both)Seven o'clock.

OK. That was easy.
Yes, easy.

OK, well I'll
see you later.
Yes. Eight o'clock.

Seven.

Seven, seven.

Well, um...

Goodbye.
Yes.

Adios,mon chéri.

Much obliged.

So, Kermit, tell me,
what about Lady Holiday?

I mean, is she pretty?
Oh, yeah.
Not at all what I expected.

Nice eyes, sturdy legs.

And it might have been
my imagination,

but I think she found
me attractive.

Oh. Taxi!

Well, of course
she found you attractive.

It runs in the family.

Taxi! Taxi!

I don't know why
the cabs won't stop.

Just leave it to me.

Taxiiii!
(tires screech)

(both yell)
(gulps)

That's very effective.

Yeah, it's great
when it works.

Did you want me
to stop or what?

(Kermit)Thank you
very much, sir.

Oh, you can call
me Beauregard.

Where are you guys going?
The Happiness Hotel.

Oh, good, that's where I'm
going. How do you get there?

Haven't you ever been there?
Of course.
I live there.

I just don't know
how to get there.

(Kermit)It's straight
down this street.
OK.

(all scream)

OK. Good. Now just
keep going straight.

Will do.

It takes a while
to get to know the town.

How long have you
lived in London?
All my life.

How come you don't have
an English accent?

Hey, I'm lucky to have
a driver's license.

(all scream)

Hey, it's just up ahead
there on the right.
What is?

The Happiness Hotel.
Oh, yeah.

What's your room number?

Wh...? I don't know.
We're on the second floor.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can only take you
as far as the lobby.

(horns blare)

Whee!

You can never find a cab
when you need one.

(laughs)Whoo-whee!
Can we do that again?

Well, thank you very much,
Beauregard.

You're welcome.
Hey, how do I get out of here?

I suggest you make a U-turn.

Right.

(revs engine)

(man)He's headed
for the kitchen!
(Kermit)Oh, no!

(hens cluck)

(speaks mock Swedish)

Well, looks like
steering wheel
soufflé for dinner.

Again?

If you'll excuse me,
I'm going out to dinner.

That's right.
Kermit's got a date
with Lady Holiday.

You don't have
to tell everybody.
(whispers)Oh. Right.

Pops, don't tell anybody.
Kermit's got a date
with Lady Holiday.

(loudly)Kermit's got a date
with Lady Holiday?

Oh, wow. Wait till I tell
the guys in the band.

Tell us what?
Yeah, what's going down?

(speaks mock Swedish)

Kermit and Lady Holiday?
All right!

(all chat excitedly)

Fozzie, this is all
very embarrassing.

Kermit, don't worry.
It won't go outside this room.

Here is a Muppet news flash.

Kermit the Frog
to date Lady Holiday.

Details at 11.

Smile.

Local poultry.

(hums)

Boy, it's a good thing you
didn't tell everybody where
Lady Holiday lives,

otherwise they'd all
be camped on her doorstep.

That is just for you
and me to know, brother.

We are going to have ourselves
a time tonight.

Wacka wacka.

"We"? What do
you mean "we"?

The two of us.
You missed a spot.

Anyway. When we get there
tonight, just act naturally.

No, no. Wait a second,
wait a second.
It's whenIget there.

This is my date
with Lady Holiday.

I'm going alone.
So it's "me" not "we."

Oh.

I see. Fine.

Boy, I wish
I had whiskers.

Of course, then I'd
have to use a blade.

Kermit?
Turn around.

Are you really going
to go without me tonight?

Well, Fozzie, I figure
this is something that
I have to do alone.

No problem.
Oh good.

Just hand me
my cuff links.
Yes, sir.

♪And straighten my tie

♪Just drench me
in rich cologne

♪And don't ask me why

(coughs)

♪Go on and pluck
me a boutonniere

♪You're moving up
and walking on air

♪Steppin' out with a star
and feeling high

♪Come polish my wing tips

♪And call for the car
(whistles)

♪I'll sweep her right off
her feet wherever we are

♪A satin collar
and velvet vest

♪I never settle
for second best

♪Steppin' out with a star
Sad times, bye-bye

♪Have I got style?

♪Have I got taste?

♪On someone else, I swear

♪This savoir-faire
would be such a waste

♪Come toss me my top hat
Yes, sir!

♪I'm ready to fly

♪Busting into the upper crust

♪As easy as pie

♪Just watch my
dreams come true

♪This is something
I was born to do

♪Steppin' out with a star
That star is you

(hums)

(shadow continues humming)

♪Have you got class?
♪Have I got class?

♪Have you got chic?
♪Have I got chic?

♪To think that you and me
were nobody

♪Why, only last week
Hey, guys!

♪I'm ready to flyyyyyy

Kermit!
At least I can try.

♪Just watch my
dreams come true

♪This is something
I was born to do

♪Steppin' out with a star
Bye, bad times

♪Steppin' out with a star
Hey, good times

♪Steppin' out with a star
and feeling high ♪

Yeah!

Well, how do I look?

Which one are you?

I'm the one on the right.
Oh.

Well, y... you
look like you're
gonna have a terrific time.

Without me.

Fozzie?
What?

You can come.

You mean it?
Mm-hm.

Oh, boy!

Great news, gang.
We can go!

(cheer)

(milk bottles clatter)
(shrieks)

(grunts)

Awfully disappointing
weather today.

Hm?

The weather. Awfully
disappointing today.

Is it, is it?

Yes. Mm, yes, yes.
I know what you mean.

It was rather
disappointing yesterday.

And the day before.

(smash)

(grunting)

What is it, Neville?

(grunting and straining)

Um...

Pig... um...

climbing up the outside
of the house, dear.

Oh.

Next time they want stunts
they get a double.

The day before that was
awfully disappointing too.

Mm.

And of course the weekend
was perfectly frightful.

Never stopped raining.

Neville?
Hm?

Am I boring you?
What, dear?

I said, am I boring you?
Boring me?

(strained laugh)

That's a good one.

I'm having the time
of my life, dear.

Neville, did you say...

a pig was climbing up
the outside of the house?

Yes. Yes. Yes,
I believe I did, yes.

I thought so.

You'd have to look
a long way to find a chap

who was more...
stimulated than I am, yes.

Oh, dear me,
no, no, no.

(screams)

The last time I was bored -
and never by you,
my little armada...

What was that?
Just making a point, dear.

I mean, if I was bored
I'd go out and buy something,
wouldn't I?

Like cheese or quails' eggs.

Something like that.
Yes, I suppose you would.

Yes, of course I would, dear.
That's the sort of spur-of-
the-moment fellow I am.

What?

What, dear?

What would you buy
if you were bored?

Ah! Uh...

A jar of calf's-foot jelly?

I'd like to come with you
and help you pick one out.

Oh, that isn't necessary,
Dorcas.

There's no need for
you to leave the house.
I wouldn't mind.

Haven't been outside
for 12 years.

Well, the weather's
been most disappointing.

Still, there's no
reason for me
to stay here all the time.

The children are gone,
the pets are dead,

the butler's been discharged,
no one ever visits us.

That was the
doorbell, Neville.

So it was.
And the butler's dead?

No, no, no.

The pets are dead.
The butler's been discharged.

Ah.
(bell)

I think one of us
should answer it, Neville.

Oh, do you?

Or we could both answer it.
(laughs)

Come, dear,
I hardly think it's
necessary for both of us to...

I'll answer it!

I thought you said
the pets were dead.

Hello.
Uh...

This is for you.

Oh, thank you.

Shall we go?

You know, I've never
been inside a real ritzy
English house before.

Aren't you hungry?
Sure, but we've
got a few minutes.

OK. Let's take
a few minutes.

Say, nice place
you got here.

Yes. I practically stole it.

Let me show you around.

Who was that
guy back there?

Oh. Just some
sort of servant.

This, of course,
is the drawing room.

Did you decorate
this place yourself?

(Piggy)
I'll just close the door.
It's very drafty.

There's a chair
and some walls.

A whirlwind tour, huh?
Yes.

This is the bedroom
and, uh... bath.

We have hot and cold
running water.

There's probably
a bathtub and everything.

Oh, here.
I want to show you something.

This is the closet.

Nice.
Dark but nice.

(laughs nervously)

Ah. Sorry.

Don't think me rude, but is
there, in fact, anything I can
do for you at all?

Um...

Yes. Yes, yes.

You may suggest
a nice restaurant.

Ah. Well, there's
the Dubonnet Club.

Actually that's not so much a
restaurant, more
a supper club.

Ah.

Thank you, Jeeves.

No time for cocktails.

Evening.

Why are you staring
into the closet, Neville?

You recall that
pig I mentioned?

The one that was climbing
up the side of the house?

That's the chap.
That's the chap.

Yes, I seem to recall that.

Well, he was in
there just now,

along with a...
a lizard.

I see.
And what did they want?

Name of a good restaurant.
I told them the Dubonnet Club.

That's more of a supper club
than a restaurant.

Yes, well, I tried
to tell them that.

Don't blame yourself.

No. No.

Hey!
There they are!

Kermit and his new flame.
Hubba hubba.

Ding ding!

(laughs nervously)

You'll have to jump
in the front seat.

The back seat's
been quarantined.

(engine starts)

(Floyd) Let's hit the road.
How about a little
traveling music?

(Janice)For sure.
A love song.

(Animal)
Love song, love song.

(Floyd)Hit it!

(♪"Night Life")

(Dr. Teeth)
♪Give me my good friends
and play me my music

♪Yeah, give me my night life

♪Talk me that guitar
and roll me that boogie

♪Yeah, give me my night life

Are these your friends?

Just the ones
on the fenders.

♪Sing me the good times
'cause I need the feeling

♪Yeah, give me that night life

(horn)

♪Give me my night life

♪Whoo, yeah

♪Give me my night life

They don't have
to play this loud.

That's OK.
They don't mind.

♪Sing me the good times
'cause I need the feeling

♪Give me my night life

♪Give me my night life ♪

Boy, a classy place like this
you'd think they'd have
pretzels on the table.

(forced laugh)

Well, what a delightful menu.

(gasps)
What?

Nothing. It's just
sort of amusing

that the roast beef
is the same price
as an Oldsmobile.

You come here often,
Lady Holiday?

Oh, only on special occasions.

And this is very
special, Kermie.

Waiter!
Champagne, caviar.

Hey, hey, Kermit.

How are we gonna
pay for this?

You got about
1600 bucks on you?

Hey, relax, Kermit.
I'll take care of it.

Say cheese!

(laughs)There you go, folks.
Souvenir photograph.

Just gimme your
name and address
and ten bucks.

Good evening,
Lady Holiday.

Such a pleasure to see you.
Thank you, Stanley.

Why, what a lovely
diamond necklace.

It is rather breathtaking,
isn't it?

I thought it a little outré,

but my brother Nicky
insisted that I wear it.

Your table,
Lady Holiday.

Thank you, Stanley.
Give Stanley a tip, Nicky.

For complimenting you
on your necklace?
No, because it is customary.

I don't have any change.
Then give him
something bigger.

Bigger?

I left my wallet at home.

You left your
wallet in college.

How about you, folks?
Souvenir photograph?
No thanks. No picture.

Aw, come on. It'll be a great
memento for you and your wife.

My wife isn't feeling
very well.

That's too bad.
Maybe she should be at home.

My wife is at home.
(babbles)

Yes. Next table!

That caviar was yummy. Mwah!

Love those fish eggs!

(laughs nervously)

Uh, Lady Holiday?
Oh. Yes?

Can we talk about
the jewel robbery now?

Oh, Kermit.
Let us not talk business.

Music is in the air,
the night is young,

and I'm so beautiful.

What jewel robbery?
Your jewels.
The ones that were stolen.

You know,
you have lovely eyes.

You know, if you put enough
sugar in this stuff it tastes
just like ginger ale.

Catch you later,
Stanley.

Aren't you happy
we're here?

I have grave doubts about
wearing these jewels.

I feel as if thieves were
breathing down my neck.

Thieves aren't
breathing down your neck.

I want to put
them in a safe.
No.

Yes.
Yes, I meant yes.

Why would I say no
when I meant yes?

Go and see Stanley.
Go and see Stanley?

Go and see Stanley
immediately.

All right.
If that's what you want.

And don't forget
to tip him.

Tip. Tip.

(♪"The First Time It Happens")

♪The first time you see her

♪No bolt from the blue

♪Just something so quiet

♪Yet waiting for you

♪With no one to tell you

♪That you've got to go

♪The first time
it happens, you know

♪The first time you see her

♪No magical change

♪No angels appearing

♪No dreams to arrange

♪Just warmer and colder

♪Than springtime or snow

♪The first time
it happens, you know

♪And so you fall

♪And how complete it is

♪And for each moment
that it lasts

♪How sweet it is

♪The first time together

♪How simple, how rare

♪And just when you thought

♪You'd forgot how to care

♪And though you feel much more

♪Than you dare to show

♪The first time
it happens, you know

Wow.
She's fantastic.

♪The first time you see her

♪No magical change

♪No angels appearing

♪No dreams to arrange

♪Just warmer and colder

♪Than springtime or snow

♪The first time
it happens, you know

What a great number!

Nicky?

That's my new receptionist
dancing out there.

Which one?
The pig.

She's sensational.

45 words a minute.
About average.

♪And just when you thought

♪You'd forgot how to care

♪For the first time

♪For the first time

(tap dances)

A-ha!

(laughs)

♪The first time it happens

♪The moment it happens

♪Then suddenly
there's a whole new world

♪The first time it happens

♪The first time it happens

♪The first time it happens

♪You know ♪

(man)Bravo!
(man #2)Bravo!

(commotion)

Aieee!

Lady Holiday!
What's happened?

Was it you that
screamed, "Aieee!"?

She screamed
right into my ear.
Of course I screamed.

Somebody's just
stolen my necklace.

I told you this would
happen. That necklace
was worth a fortune.

Do something.
What do you
want me to do?

I spilled ketchup
all over my cummerbund.

For God's sake.
Straighten that tie.

It's Lady Holiday,
her necklace,
it's been stolen.

"Lady Holiday"?
But I thought...

Kermit. I think I've got
a picture of the thief.

Oh, great.
Yeah!

But...

(cat screeches)

This is great, Gonzo.

You popped the
flash just before
the soup landed on his tie.

Yeah, well,
photography's an art.

You gotta have
the right film,

you gotta have
the right exposure,

and you gotta scream
just before they get
the food to their mouth.

(bang on door)

(Pops)
What's going on in there?

Lot of folks out here
want to use the rest room.

Well, we're developing
these pictures. We'll be
out as soon as we finish.

We're trying to catch
a jewel thief.
A jewel thief.

(Pops)Well, catch
him in another room.

People are dancing up and down
on one leg out here.

Hurry, Gonzo. There's gotta
be a picture of somebody

taking Lady
Holiday's necklace.

Well, I don't know.
I still think
that pig took it.

She wouldn't steal.
Why not? She lied.

That's two different things.

Besides, she couldn't
have stolen the necklace

because she was dancing.
(banging on the door)

That's right.
There's that old adage:

you can't dance and steal
at the same time.

No, that's "You can't walk
and chew gum
at the same time."

Oh, no. I think it's
"You can't pat your head

and rub your stomach
at the same time."

What's the difference?
She didn't steal the necklace.

I bet you I can do it.
Do what?

Pat my head and rub my stomach
at the same time.

Big deal,
anybody can do that.

Would you guys cut it out?
We're wasting time.

(banging on door and shouting)

Hey, here it is.
What? What?
What? What?

Look at that.
It's that guy sitting
next to Lady Holiday

and those girls
standing in the back.

It's probably the same gang
that pulled that first job.
Wow!

Yes, and we got
them with their hands
in the cookie jar.

What's going on?

(Floyd)What is this, anyway?

Aw.

The cookie jar
just busted.

Look, Dad.
There's a bear.

No, Christine,
that's a frog.

Bears wear hats.

(sighs)

(footsteps)

How you doing,
young fella?

OK, I guess.

Penny for your thoughts.

Well, it's a long story.

But a familiar one,
I bet.
Mm.

Older than the hills.

I've been there,
my friend.

I've been there
and back.

You know, I see the way
you're sitting here

and I see the way you've
got your hand around that
little shoe,

and that's all I need.
I know your whole story.

You do?

Absolutely.

I know exactly
what happened to you.

What?

Well, I tell you, friend.

What happened was you and your
brother-in-law Bernie,

you cashed in your
stock certificates

and your insurance policy

and you went out and bought
a dry-cleaning establishment.

Now another place
opens up down the street

and it's charging less.

And they're getting
the stuff out faster
because they got more help.

It's not your fault.
Right?

All right. So Bernie
comes to you, he says:

"I want you to buy me out."

He says he's fed up.

Well, your kids
are growing up,
you never see 'em

and all of a sudden,
they're turning into
juvenile delinquents

and your wife
is saying to you:

"Listen, you care more
about this lousy business

than you care about me."

And the equipment
breaks down

and your sister
moves in with you

because that jerk Bernie,
he went and joined the circus.

Well, you had it
up to here, right?

You didn't know
what to do.

So what did you do?

You did the only
thing you could do.

You dumped the business
for a song.

And who did
you sell it to?
Who?

You sold it to that
jerk down the street,

that slob that had been
burying you for a year.

Then you took whatever
money you had left

and you sunk it into
the glass slipper business.

That's your story,
my friend.

Not a happy one,
is it?

You know, it's amazing.
You are 100 percent wrong.

I mean, nothing you've
said has been right.

Oh, yeah?

Well, how about this...?

I hate to be rude,
but we're trying
to do a movie here.

Oh, yeah?
Mm-hm.

Oh, I didn't know that.
Gee, I'm sorry.

Listen, one thing, son.

Would you like
to buy a watch?

No.

Movie stars.

(Piggy)Get your
filthy hands off me!
(splash)

I beg your pardon,
young lady!

Just keep your hands
to yourself, turkey.

Hey, you.
(gasps)

Well, well, well.
If it isn't the fake
Lady Holiday.

Hello.

"Hello"? Last night you
never even said goodbye.

Kermit, that was
just silliness.

But you lied to me.
You used me.

Oh, Kermit, please,
let me explain. Kermit.

My name is Miss Piggy.
I am a model.
Yeah.

I only lied because
I wanted to be with you.

Yeah, well,
I saw the way you were dancing
with that guy last night.

Oh, Kermit.
Well, lemme tell
you something.

Your dancing partner
happens to be a jewel thief.

What do you think of that?

You're jealous.
I am not.

You are. You are,
you are, you are, you are.

(exasperated sigh)

Kermit, I'm sorry.
Please don't go, Kermit.
Please.

Please don't go.
Kermit, please.

Oh, please,
I'm sorry. Please.

Piggy.
Piggy, hold it.
Please, please, please.

Piggy. Piggy?
Please, please, please.

You're overacting.
What?

You're overacting.
You're hamming it up.

I am not. I am trying
to save this movie.

Oh, yeah? Well, save your
performance instead.

I am playing 800
different emotions.

Well, try to play
one of them right.

Oh, oh! I have
a career of my own.

I know all about
your career, Pig.

I don't need this
lousy duck pond here.

Sure you don't need
a lousy duck pond.
I'll just walk.

OK, sure. Go ahead, walk. OK?
Should I walk?
Then I'll walk.

Walk! Go ahead and walk.

(whimpers)

Oh, Piggy.

Listen.
I'm doing my best.

I know you are.

Piggy, I'm sorry.
We gotta get back
to the movie though.

All right. All right,
all right, all right.

(sighs)

Kermit, I'm sorry I left you
last night at the nightclub.

Well, that's OK, Piggy.

Oh, Kermie.
Oh, Piggy.

(♪"Couldn't We Ride?")

♪Pretty day, sunny sky

♪Lovely pictures
dance in your eye

♪It all seems so right

♪It all feels so rare

♪Summer soft sudden breeze

♪Watch the wind
play tag in the trees

♪The world is so bright

♪So perfectly fair

♪Lovers sing, children dance

♪For a minute,
we've got a chance

♪Why couldn't we fly?

♪I know we'd get by

♪Couldn't we fly?

♪Sunny sky, pretty day

♪Just a push
and we're on the way

♪Yes, couldn't we ride

♪Side by side?

Whoa!

Whoa!

"Look, Ma, no brains."

Hup. Whoo, Miss Piggy.

Whoa!

Wah! Oof!

(crash)

♪Why couldn't we fly?

♪I know we'd get by

♪Sunny sky
♪Pretty day

♪Just a push
and we're on the way

♪Yes, couldn't we ride

♪Side by side?

♪Couldn't we ride? ♪

Gangway! Watch it.
Coming through.

She's wonderful.
She's so wonderful.

She certainly seems to know
where she's going. It's time.

All right, everybody.
Keep it moving. Don't linger.

We just want to give them
a hint, a taste, a soupçon.

Appetizers
not four-course meals.

Marie. I don't think
we should chew gum.

Stephanie, those
false eyelashes
are coming unglued.

Those shoes are scuffed.

I know where they are.
I'll get them...
Sorry.

Watch it, buster.
Oh. Mr. Holiday, I'm sorry.

Hello.

Miss...
Piggy.

Miss Piggy?
Right.

Of course.

Have dinner
with me tonight.

Mr. Holiday, really,
I'm very busy.

Could we meet
just for a moment?
Underwear, underwear, underwear.

Just one brief moment,
Miss Piggy. Miss...

Hm?
Miss Piggy.

You're a very
different-looking woman.

I'm so tired of the same type.
Those tall, thin creatures

with the long legs,
the aquiline noses,

the teeth like pearls,
soft skin.

Yeah, well, I can see
why that might make you
sick to your stomach.

Please now...
Please...
Miss Piggy.

No! Please!
No. Please, please.

Don't put a door
between us.
(Kermit clears throat)

Hi.
Oh, Kermit.

I was looking
for the men's room.

Kermit, I just want
you to meet someone.
This is Nicky Holiday.

Mr. Holiday, this is Kermit,
my special friend.

Oh.

Nice to meet you.

Well, excuse me.

Need I say more?
He's a frog, isn't he?

Yes.

Miss Piggy.

We could've had something
very, very special.

Now, I can't be responsible
for what might happen.

Yeah, well, uh...

C'est la vie.

I don't know why you
love her like you do.

I don't know why.
I just do.

(sighs)

Well, you'd better
snap out of it, and fast.

We've got to plant the goods
on her to take
the heat off us.

I know the plan. I just
wish there was another way.

It's the only way.
Especially now the cops are
starting to ask questions.

OK, I'll do my job.
When I give the signal,
you do yours.

Forgive me, Miss Piggy.

Am I dressed
right for this?
You look fine, Fozzie.

Thank you.

(Lady Holiday)And now,
without further ado,

roses, hyacinths,

lilacs and bluebells

make up our first
fashion bouquet.
Ooh!

Pretty nice lines, huh?

Yes and the dresses
aren't bad either.

Here's capricious Carla,

a dream in
hyacinth-blue chiffon

with the classic allure
of the white pleated collar
and cuffs.

The skirt,
a flutter of godets,

all complemented
by the cloudy folds of blue

forming the perfect
flower-framing hat.

Fantastique.
And thank you, Carla.

Pretty good-looking duds.
I found the white pleated
collar alluring,

but I was rather taken aback
by the flutter of godets.

Mm-hm.

And now here's delicious Darla

in a swirl of apricot silk

above a tight bodice
with a cleverly-draped
décolletage.

Finishing with roses to
match the confection of
flowers and silk on her head,

forming a teeny-weeny hat.

Oh. Ow! My knee.
I think I've twisted it.

You all right?
You've got to get up!
You've got to go on!

I can't go on!

Oh! You poor thing.

Oh, don't worry, Marla.
I'll stay right here with you.

You can't. You've got
to go on in her place.

(thud)

And now, the Lady Holiday
swimwear collection.

Hey, Waldorf, wake up.
Here come the bikinis.

Oh, boy. We'd better
synchronize our pacemakers.

A cloud of lavender
starburst pleating
surrounds our next model.

(gasps of delight
and applause)
(man)Oh, I say!

(♪"Piggy's Fantasy")

♪A miracle of spring

♪A miracle of beauty

♪Be dazzled by
the magic of one smile

♪A vision of loveliness

♪A universe of charms

♪We'll never rest
until you're in our arms

(Nicky) ♪Daffodils, Miss Piggy

♪Whippoorwills, Miss Piggy

♪Everything that's lovely,
warm and spring, Miss Piggy

♪Fantasy, Miss Piggy

♪Ecstasy, Miss Piggy

♪All that's fair
or fine or wonderful

♪Or anything, Miss Piggy

♪Where does the rapture
begin and grow?

♪Where does
devotion and passion go?

♪Happiness, Miss Piggy

♪One caress, Miss Piggy

♪All the world's
ever wanted was you

♪A dream come true

♪Oh, Miss Piggy, it's you

♪Where does the rapture
begin and grow?

♪Where does devotion
and passion go?

♪Happiness, Miss Piggy

♪One caress, Miss Piggy

♪All the world's
ever wanted was you

♪A dream come true

♪Oh, Miss Piggy, it's you

♪It's you

♪It's you ♪

(splash)

Oh, Miss Piggy,
are you OK?

Yeah, sure. I was just
looking for my contact lens.

Excuse me.
Excuse me.
(Piggy sneezes)

(Kermit)Oh, dear.
Oh, you poor thing.

Excuse me.
Here, put this on.

You'll get a chill.
Thank you very much.

You all right?
I don't know what happened.

I must've tripped.

Wait a minute.
What's this?

I don't think
these belong to me.

Do you recognize this?

That was my necklace.
But... where are the diamonds?

Where are the diamonds?
Miss Piggy stole my necklace.

(gasps)

Miss Piggy, how could you?

No! No! I don't know
anything about it!

Somebody
must've put it... You!

It was you!
Kermit was right there!
Oh, no, no, no!

You're a phony!
Yes you are.

And you know what?

You can't even sing!
Your voice was dubbed.

Watch out, guys. Kermit!

Don't worry, Miss Piggy.
We'll get you out of this.

It just goes to show
you can't trust anybody.

Excuse me, Lady Holiday, will
you be hiring any more pigs?

Well, I shall certainly
think twice about it.

Kermit, find out if they'll
let me keep the costumes.

What about your most
famous piece of jewelry,
the fabulous Baseball Diamond?

As from Monday,
the fabulous Baseball Diamond

will go on permanent display
at the Mallory Gallery.

I shall never have it
either on my person

or in my possession again.

That's right.
It'll be in our possession.

Tuesday at midnight
we'll go to the
Mallory Gallery.

The Baseball Diamond
will be ours.

(Gonzo) So there I was,
backstage under a table.

I was doing a little
photographic essay
on kneecaps,

and I heard 'em planning to
steal the Baseball Diamond.

(Janice)Bummer.
(all gasp)

So what's the plan, man?
I already told you.

Tuesday, midnight,
at the Mallory Gallery.

That's all I know.

You mean they're really gonna
try to steal the diamond?

(all talk at once)

Quiet!
(all fall silent
except Janice)

"Look, Mother,
it's my life, OK?

So if I want to
live on a beach
and walk around naked..."

Oh.

Now, if we wanna get
Miss Piggy out of jail,

we're gonna have to catch
those thieves red-handed.

Yes, Beau?

What color are
their hands now?
(everyone groans)

Now, we're about to embark
on a potentially dangerous
mission.

There could be physical
violence, there could be
gunplay,

and there's a slightest
chance that somebody might
even get killed.

So if anybody wants out,
now is the time to say it.

I'm out.
Me too.

Ditto.
Meep.

Don't we have a
gig around here,
or something or somewhere?

Yeah, sorry.
I got a dental appointment.

It's like this, Kermit.
I have to go to work all day.

(all talk at once)

Hold it!

Shame on you.

I thought we were
in this thing together.

I'm just as scared as you are,
but this has to be done.

We don't want
the bad guys to win.

We've got to do this for...
for... for justice.

For... freedom.

For... honesty.

Boy, do I feel ashamed.

Me too. I feel
like two cents.

I'm back in.
You can count on me.

Oh, hey, I was only joking.

Yeah, it'll be a lot of fun
to go out there
and risk our lives.

Yeah!
All for one
and one for all.

Yeah!

At times like this
I am proud to be an American.

Thank you.
I knew I could count
on each and every one of you.

(Fozzie whimpers)

Fozzie, are you OK?

That took a lot out of me.

OK. Now we don't have
any time to waste,
so everybody gather 'round.

And the first thing we have
to do is make our plans.

Right.
Whoa!

(muffled)Or we could
get some sleep.

(smash)

(woman)Miss Piggy?
What?

Your lawyer is
here to see you.

Lawyer? I don't have a lawyer.

Och, sure you do.
Little green guy.

Kermie! No wonder he
hasn't come by to see me.

He had to finish law school.

Oh, Kermit! Oh!

Two minutes, pig.

Oh, Kermie.
Oh, I've missed you so.

Please.
The name is Rosenthal.

I'm your attorney.
That's the only way
they'd let me in here.

Oh, right.

I've missed you so...
Rosenthal. It's been
an eternity.

It's been 45 minutes.

Time goes slow
in the cooler.

Well, I just want you
to know that we're gonna
get you out of here,

'cause we're gonna catch
those thieves red-handed.

What color are
their hands now?

I don't think this is the time
for that type of humor.

When you're in stir
you take the laughs when
you can get 'em, Rosenthal.

Yeah, well, anyway,
just stay put

because we've got a plan
and we're gonna prove
you're innocent.

You see, tomorrow night...
precisely at midnight,

those thieves are gonna
try to steal Lady Holiday's
Baseball Diamond

from the Mallory Gallery.

And we're gonna stop 'em.
Oh, Kermit, be careful.

Don't worry because
I've got Gonzo and Fozzie

and all our friends from
the Happiness Hotel to help.

Those clowns?
Mm-hm.

Great. I'll be stuck
in the big house for life.

"Big house"?
Is that prison talk?

Yeah, "big house,"
"squealer," "slammer."

That's the lingo
we use here in the joint.

Yeah. Well, you may
talk tough, Miss Piggy,

but underneath I know you're
still the same beautiful,
sensitive, vulnerable woman

I was out with
the other night.

The one who scarfed
down all that caviar.

(sighs)

You have such
a way with words.

I love you, Rosenthal.

(kiss noisily)

You're wearing my moustache.

Yeah, well, you have
mesh marks on your face.

(Nicky)Glass cutter?
(Carla)Check.

Nylon rope?
Check.

Computer deprogrammer?
Check.

Stopwatch?
Check.

Pocket laser?
Check.

Infrared reflex?
Check.

Portable detonator?
Check.

Whoopee cushion?
I think it's in the bus.

Rubber raft?
It's got holes in it.

Bag of chickens?
(squawk)

Fake vomit?
It's on order.

Frisbee?
Lost.

Pneumatic drill?
Check.

Computer printout?
Check.

Radar gun?
Check.

Walkie-talkies?
(all)Check.

(sighs)

Wax lips?
Man, I just had 'em.

Did you leave them
in your other pants?

I don't have no other pants.

Yo-yo?
For sure.

Harpoon gun?
That's you.

Check.

All right, team.

Let's go for it.

Peanut butter?
Animal ate it.

Sorry.
(groaning)

Well, Kermit,

I guess that's it.

All right, everybody.

Let's go for it.
(cheering)

(smash)

(takes deep breaths)

Go for it!

(strains)

(cheering)

(crunch)
(Kermit)Beauregard.

Back it up here.

(all whisper excitedly)
(Muppet)Sh. Sh.

(Gonzo)OK. Quiet.
(Muppet)Sh.

(Kermit)OK. You guys
all got your disguises
in place?

Sh.

(all)Wow.

Wow!
(all)Sh!

I'm taking a picture.
Sh.

Rowlf, hand me
the blowtorch.

Blowtorch?
Who said anything
about a blowtorch?

I got some paper towels.

How are we supposed to cut
through the bars if nobody
brought stuff to cut with?

I brought some hot mustard.
Maybe that'll
eat through the bars.

Eat through the bars!

Animal?
What?

Hey. Why don't you see if you
can eat through
these iron bars.

Eat through bars.

Doggy!
(Fozzie)The cops!

(all yell)

Do you know where Lady
Holiday's Baseball Diamond
is being kept?

Funnily enough, I do.
It's at the Mallory Gallery,

a virtually
impregnable fortress,

many miles from here.

I only have a half
an hour to get there.

On foot?
You'll never make it.

I know. How about a ride?

You can read, I presume?

"No passengers."

Oh, couldn't you
make an exception
for little old moi?

Not even for little old vous.
(laughs)

Pretty please?
No!

I've tried to be nice.

Huh?
Hiii-yah!

(truck drives off)

Hey.

What's all the racket?

What are you doing here?

A very brief cameo.

Me too. (tuts)

Breaker one, this is Hamhock.
Do you read me?

Loud and clear, Hamhock.

This is Dirty Bird.
What's your 20, over?

Well, good buddy,
we're westbound
out of Highgate.

Any smokies between me
and Blimeytown?

Negatory, Hamhock.
You're free and clear.

Ten-four, Dirty Bird.
Much obliged.

We got the hammer down
and we gone.

I never ordered
no pepperoni.

It's right here on the slip.
Medium pepperoni with double
cheese.

(Italian accent)That's-a
right. We don't-a make them,
we just-a deliver them.

Somebody here called
Pizza Twins, and that's us.

What's the name
on that slip?

Uh...

What's your name?
Henderson.

That's it!
That's the name on the slip.
Ah!

But I hate pepperoni.
I'll eat it.

Stand by, guys.
(all)Right!

Ooh.

'Ere. Just one moment.

Can I see that slip?

Uh... uh... well...

Actually, this is
the wrong slip.

That slip, sir,
you said it had my name on it.

Oh, that-a slip.

That-a slip we left at home.

But we got-a the pepperoni.

But I hate pepperoni.
Hate pepperoni.
Right.

How about you could
feed it to the dogs?

Yes. That's-a right.
Here, sir.

Oh, that's very
thoughtful of you.

Thank you very much, sir.

(clunk)

(engine loses power)

What am I?
A glutton for punishment?

Hey, Fozzie...
Sh.

Fozzie, how do we get in?

Why don't we just
ring the doorbell?

No, no, no. There's
got to be another way.

Well, you'd better
think of it pretty quick.

Those dogs have nearly
finished the pizza.

I know. The roof.

Oh, man.
No way we'll ever
get up there.

(dogs bark)

(all scream)

(all breathe heavily)
(Gonzo)Phew.

So far I'm not
having any fun.

Let me talk to 'em.

Woof woof.
Woof woof.

(whines)

It helps to know
a second language.

It's nearly midnight.

What am I going to do?

Hey! Hey, you! Hey!

What an unbelievable
coincidence.

Now, this window probably
has an alarm system on it.

My assistant Beaker
will check it out.

Go on, Beaker.

(screams)

(beeping)

Very good, Beaker.
Now it's perfectly safe.

Oh, good.
Animal, do your stuff.

(strains)

(Animal)Sorry.

There it is.
The fabulous Baseball Diamond.

(Scooter)How are we
gonna get down there?

I suggest we jump.

Are you crazy?
That's about a hundred feet.

I didn't say it was
a good suggestion.

Maybe we could jump partway.

Oh, boy,
what do we do now?

We're just gonna have
to go down there and catch
those thieves red-handed.

What color are
their hands now?

We'll just have to improvise.

We'll make a ladder out of
whatever will hold us.

Good idea.
Here's the paper towels.

I'm coming, Kermie!

(siren)

Well, you wanted excitement.

Excuse me, I don't think
that belongs to you.

(all shout)

Say cheese!

Woman!

Hey, nice catch, Animal.

Heads up, Lew.
Over here, Rowlf!
Yeah, got it!

Hot potato! Keep away.
Here we go.

I got it. Thank you.
Be careful, guys.

Catch it. Get him!

(laughs)

Still got a good eye.

Welcome to the wild world
of Muppet sports.

This is Louis Kazagger
with a play-by-play

of the game.
Woman!

And it looks
like ladies' night
here at the gallery.

Peekaboo.
Hey! Ba-ba-do-be-bop.

OK. Here she comes, boy!

(frightened meeps)

Hey, way to chuck,
way to look, way to move!

Popcorn, popcorn.
Get your red-hot popcorn.

(speaks mock Swedish)

Popcorn, chicken?

Woman!

Woman!

OK, OK.

Lew Zealand
leads off the order
as we join the game.

Chuck it to me, Beakie baby.

Pitchy witchy, Beaker.

Pitcher, you couldn't hit
the front side of a barn!

Picture of the pitcher.

Wait for what you want,
Lew, baby.

Rah, rah, rah!

Beaker goes into the windup.

It's the pitch.

It's a high fly ball
to Kermit the Frog.

I got it.
I got it.
I got it.

Hey, gimme that diamond,
you crook.

Come on, guys.
Get him.

All right.
Back off!

But, Nicky,
why are you doing this?

Why am I doing this?
Because I'm a villain.
It's pure and simple.

Excuse me, Mr. Holiday, sir.
Would you let Kermit go?

If you hold him too long
he'll just give you warts.

Oh, no. He's coming with us.

Come on, girls.
Let's get out of here.

(motorbike approaches)

(all cheer)

Hii-yah!

Hiii-yah!

Hii-yah!

Hii-yah!
Ow!

(Fozzie)Watch out!
(Kermit)Miss Piggy!

(Fozzie)Yeah! Way to go!
(cheering)

Ha ha ha ha.

Bye-bye.

You were magnificent,
Miss Piggy.
I did it all for you.

Could I have
just a moment?
Thank you.

Por nada.

Oh.

I really did care for you,
you know.
I know.

We could've had the world
on a silver platter.

That silver's turned
to iron bars, Nicky.

Don't hate me,
Miss Piggy.

Oh, I don't. It's just that
somehow along the road

I found out the difference
between wrong and right.

You're wrong...

He's right.

Would you believe it, Statler?

They're heroes.
Now they're gonna
be obnoxious.

So what else is new?

Well, I say all's well
that ends well.

It doesn't matter to me
as long as it ends.

(both laugh)

(sighs)

It was nice of the Chronicle
to pay for our flight home.

Yeah, but a man should be
treated better
than his luggage.

Yeah, well, my luggage
was sucked out the door.

Luckily my radio's
frozen to my wrist.

OK, guys.
Everybody out for the USA.

Oh, boy.
How close are we?

Oh, about 30,000 feet.

(Kermit)You mean...?
Yup.

Happy landing!

Whoa!

Come on, carrot-top.

(♪"Hey, A Movie")

♪We've had comedy
♪We've had mystery

♪We've had a real good time
and solved a crime real easily

♪Hey, a movie
♪I just can't
believe they did it

♪Starring everybody
And me!

♪There was spectacle
♪There was fantasy

♪Where we took a chance
♪And saw romance end happily

♪In a movie
Oh, Kermie!

♪I just love a happy ending

♪One for everybody
♪Everybody

♪Everybody
♪Everybody

♪Everybody
♪Everybody

♪Everybody in the world ♪

And me.
And me.

And me.
And me.

And me.
And me.

And me.
(meeps)

And me.
And me.

And me.
And me.

And me.
(speaks mock Swedish)

And me.
And me.

And me.

And me.

(♪"The First Time It Happens)

♪Just warmer and colder

♪Than springtime or snow

♪The first time it happens,
you know

♪And so you fall

♪And how complete it is

♪And for each moment
that it lasts

♪How sweet it is ♪

Wait a minute!
Wait! Hold it right there.

Don't go home yet.

Say cheese.

I'll send you each a copy.