The Great Mom Swap (1995) - full transcript

GOOD MORNING, PAPA!

BUON-GIORNO!

TERRY!

ENOUGH STUDYING.

TAKE A BREAK AND GO TO SCHOOL.

( sighs )
WHAT A KID.

SHE LOVES THOSE BOOKS.

SO, PAPA...

YOU BIG CUTIE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST?

BREAKFAST, LET’S SEE.



I’M GOING TO HAVE SOME PEPPERS
AND EGGS AND A LITTLE ZASEECH ON

THE SIDE.

YOU ARE, HUH?

SURE.

HEY, YOU READ THIS?

THEY CAUGHT THREE KIDS DOING
GRAFFITI ALL OVER CITY HALL.

OH, NO.

WHAT GETS ME IS, WHY WOULD
KIDS WHO CAN’T SPELL PAINT WORDS

ALL OVER IN PUBLIC?

( laughs )
KIDS ARE DIFFERENT TODAY, POP.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

KIDS ARE STILL KIDS.

WHAT’S DIFFERENT IS PARENTS.

PARENTS ARE NOT PARENTS ANYMORE.



THAT’S THE DIFFERENCE.

WOULD YOU PLEASE GIVE US A
BREAK?

I DON’T KNOW HOW I DO IT.

I KNOW WITH PHIL GONE, RUNNING
THIS DELI AND ALL.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHY YOU DO IT?

BECAUSE I BROUGHT YOU UP RIGHT.

YOU WORK HARD, GRACE.

YOU KNOW, I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS
16 YEARS OLD, I WAS PLAYING

SECOND TENOR WITH CHARLIE
BARNET.

Both: SEVEN NIGHTS A WEEK ON
THE ROAD.

HEY. ( chuckles )
HEY, WHAT’S THIS?

I ORDERED PEPPERS AND EGGS AND A
LITTLE ZASEECH, COME ON.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, AND DR.
COLBERT ORDERED DRY TOAST AND

EGG WHITES.

WHAT DOES HE KNOW?

HE KNOWS CHOLESTEROL AND
SALT.

DID YOU TAKE YOUR PILLS?

I TOOK THE PILLS.

GOOD. WHAT?

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY LOOK
BEAUTIFUL THIS MORNING.

AND YOU ARE STILL GETTING EGG
WHITES AND DRY TOAST.

NO, NO, NO.

HEY, MA, YOU GOT ANY STEAK?

NO, BUT WE GOT SAUSAGE.

TERRY, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

CLOTHES.

I NEED STEAK, MA.

VENUS FLYTRAPS ONLY EAT PURE
PROTEIN.

PROCESSED FOODS WOULD KILL THEM.

YOU KNOW, THOSE PLANTS EAT
BETTER THAN ME.

EVERYBODY EATS BETTER THAN ME.

I GOTTA GIVE THEM STEAK
BECAUSE IF I WIN THAT SCIENCE

AWARD, I GET $500.

$500 CASH?

YEAH.

WHY DON’T YOU USE ME AS YOUR
SCIENCE PROJECT?

WE’LL SPLIT THE DOUGH.

I CAN’T BECAUSE I HAVE TO BUY
A COMPUTER.

I ALREADY HAVE $263 IN THE BANK.

300 MORE AND I’M ONLINE CRUISING
THE INTERNET AT 33 MEGAHERTZ PER

SECOND.

MMM, THAT SMELLS GOOD.

WHAT’S A MEGAHERTZ?

YOU’RE ASKING ME?

HI, GEORGE.

GOT MY FLOWERS?

UH-HUH.

THANKS, GEORGE.

I CAN’T SHOW THE SMITH HOUSE.

I’VE GOT THE HENSONS' CONDO.

WELL, YOU’RE RIGHT.

RESCHEDULE THE CONDO.

THE HOUSE IS A MUCH BIGGER
COMMISSION.

STAVROS, MAYBE THAT ONE.

OH, I CAN’T.

I’VE GOT THE LARCHMONT LADIES
LEAGUE AT 4:00.

I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO
THE SHOE SALE TODAY.

I CAN’T TODAY, KAREN, HONEY.

TOMORROW.

BUT THE PUMPS I WANT FOR THE
PROM WILL BE GONE.

MORNING.

DAVID CAN TAKE YOU RIGHT
AFTER SCHOOL.

NO, I CAN’T, MOM.

I HAVE BASKETBALL.

THANKS A LOT.

YOU KNOW, I’M JUST GRADUATING
NINTH GRADE, A

ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME THING.

MAYBE NOT.

WITH YOUR GRADES, THEY’LL
PROBABLY LET YOU TRY IT A FEW

TIMES.

DOUG, THIS BABY DOES 180 ON
THE AUTOBAHN.

SURE, YOU CAN TEST-DRIVE IT THIS
AFTERNOON IF YOU WANT, NO

PROBLEM, JUST CALL ONE OF MY
SALESMEN.

MORNING, KIDS.

HI, DADDY.

INSTANT SCIENCE PROJECT?

JUST ADD WATER.

KNOCK, KNOCK!

Both: WHO’S THERE?

KIDS, MOM’S ON THE PHONE.

IDA.

Both: IDA WHO?

IDA KNOW.

KNOCK, KNOCK.

EDNA, PUT SOME PROTEIN POWDER
IN THE BLENDER FOR TIFFY.

YUCK.

BYE, TIFFY.

BYE, DADDY.

WAIT, STAVROS.

BYE, MOM.

BYE, HONEY.

SEE YOU, MOM.

HONEY, KAREN, WHAT IS THAT?

PROJECT FOR SCIENCE, BYE.

UH... ( stammers )
OKAY, CARL.

YES, OF COURSE I CAN READ IT.

JUST-- UH, JUST FAX IT TO ME.

MY LILIES!

CARL, I’LL HAVE TO CALL YOU
BACK.

KAREN!

MY MOM SAYS THE LARCHMONT’S
LADIES LEAGUE IS DONATING FOOD

FOR THE PROM...

FROM MAMA LUNA’S.

DELI GIRL’S STORE?

WELL, I GUESS IF TERRY CAN’T GO
TO THE PROM, HER MOM’S SALAMI

CAN.

( laughs )
YOU ARE SO BAD.

THAT’S NOT YOUR SCIENCE PROJECT,
IS IT?

YEAH.

FLOWERS FROM THE BACKYARD?

I’LL SAY I FED THEM ON PEANUT
BUTTER OR SOMETHING.

GOOD LUCK.

HEY, CHECK OUT DELI GIRL.

WHAT DID SHE DO?

BUILD A SPACE STATION?

( both laugh )
( bus door closes )

WHAT IT IS, IT’S A HELMET
THAT GOES OFF YOUR INNER

THOUGHTS WITH SUCH--
( children laughing )

YOU OKAY, LOUIS?

I’M OKAY.

HE’S
DEAD.

TERRY, WHAT KIND OF PLANTS
ARE THOSE?

DIONAEA MUSCIPULA.

THAT’S VENUS FLYTRAPS.

THEY’RE CUTE.

THEY’RE CARNIVOROUS.

THAT’S A MEAT-EATER.

I KNOW THAT.

LISTEN, TERRY, I WAS THINKING
MAYBE WE COULD PARTNER UP ON OUR

PROJECTS.

YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING.

COME ON, TERRY.

YOUR PLANTS HAVE BABIES.

YOU CAN SPARE ONE AT LEAST.

FORGET IT.

ARE YOU GOING TO THE PROM?

WHAT DOES PROM HAVE TO DO
WITH ANYTHING?

WELL, MAYBE CHAD COULD SET
YOU UP WITH A GUY ON THE TRACK

TEAM.

A JOCK?

I DON’T THINK TERRY'S
THAT
DESPERATE.

I DON’T BELIEVE IN PROMS.

WELL, THAT’S BECAUSE YOU
CAN’T GET A DATE.

JUST HELP ME OUT, TERRY.

WHY SHOULD I?

IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU'RE
FLUNKING SCIENCE.

YOU DON’T EVEN PAY ATTENTION IN
CLASS.

( scoffs ) NICE PROJECT.

TERRY’S GONNA WIN THE SCIENCE
AWARD AND THEN BUY A COMPUTER.

WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

HELP HER WITH HER SCIENCE
PROJECT.

THAT KAREN RIDGEWAY HAS BEEN
TRYING TO WEASEL HOMEWORK OUT OF

ME EVER SINCE THE FOURTH GRADE.

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

SHE’S A CHEERLEADER.

YEAH, NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT
THAT.

I GUESS ALL THAT JUMPING IN
PUBLIC RATTLES THE BRAIN.

I AM SO SICK OF THAT LOSER
TERRY VENESSI.

I KNOW.

WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS,
ANYWAY, ALBERT EISENSTEIN?

REALLY.

BLAIR?

CAN I SPEAK WITH YOU A MOMENT?

GREAT.

HI, GANG.

HI, CHAD.

HOLD THIS, WILL YOU?

SO, LIKE THE NEW CHEERLEADING
UNIFORMS?

THEY’RE CUTE.

HI, CHAD.

HI, NICOLE.

I JUST PLANTED THE INFANT
FLYTRAPS, BUT FOR THE PAST SIX

WEEKS, I’VE BEEN FEEDING THE
ADULT FLYTRAPS RAW MEAT.

YOU KNOW, INSECTS, STEAK,
NOTHING ARTIFICIAL.

I EXPOSE THEM TO ABOUT FOUR
HOURS OF SUNLIGHT A DAY, AND THE

SPRAY’S ON A TIMER USING ONLY
PURIFIED WATER.

( water burbling )
INGENIOUS, TERRY.

REALLY.

TAKE A GOOD LOOK, CLASS.

THIS IS HOW IT’S DONE.

( school bell rings )
ALL RIGHT, WE’LL DISCUSS THE

OTHER PROJECTS TOMORROW.

REALLY NICE WORK, TERRY.

THANKS.

( indistinct conversations )
WELL, YOU’VE GOT TO ADMIT.

IT’S A PRETTY GOOD PROJECT.

RIGHT NOW IT IS.

KAREN, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
DO?

NOTHING.

IT’S JUST THAT TERRY'S GROWN-UP
PLANTS LOOK SO HUNGRY.

MAYBE THEY WANT SOME POTATO
CHIPS.

BUT TERRY SAID THEY ONLY EAT
MEAT.

DID SHE?

( all chuckles )
I DON’T UNDERSTAND, MR.

BALFOUR.

THEY SEEMED PERFECTLY FINE
YESTERDAY.

I’M SORRY, TERRY.

BUT THESE THINGS HAPPEN
SOMETIMES.

BUT EVEN IF THE EXPERIMENT
FAILS, THERE ARE CONCLUSIONS TO

BE DRAWN.

YOU FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED,
OKAY?

YES, MR. BALFOUR.

AND HOW’S YOUR PROJECT,
KAREN?

PERFECT.

YOU SEE, MY EXPERIMENT IS ALL
ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

CARNIVOROUS PLANTS AND, UM,
REGULAR PLANTS.

ONE HALF IS LILIES, AND ON THE
OTHER HALF, I HAVE A LITTLE BABY

VENUS FLYTRAP.

ISN’T IT CUTE?

REAL CUTE.

AND, LOUIS, WHAT DO WE HAVE
HERE?

WELL, IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT
SHORT, LOW-VOLTAGE ELECTRIC

SHOCKS MAY TRIGGER CERTAIN
PLEASANT MEMORIES.

FOR INSTANCE.

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

( students chuckle )
YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING, I

WANT TO RE-CHOREOGRAPH THAT
TIGERS’ ROUTINE.

WELL, LIKE HOW?

WELL, LET’S RUN IT.

OKAY.

Both: BLACK!

BLACK!

TIGER FANS, YELL FIGHT.

FIGHT!

F-I-G-H-T.

TIGER FANS, YELL FIGHT.

FIGHT!

SHE COMPLETELY SABOTAGED MY
PROJECT, AND YOU KNOW SHE DUG UP

MY BABY FLYTRAP.

YOU ARE SCARY WHEN YOU’RE
LIKE THIS.

I’M GOING TO GET HER WHERE
SHE LIVES.

THE MALL?

I’M GOING TO NEED SOME
SARDINES, SOME GARLIC, SOME SOUR

MILK, MOLDY CHEESE AND BAKING
POWDER.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE?

I’M GOING TO MAKE HER LITTLE
CHEERLEADING OUTFIT REEK

FOREVER.

LIKE WE DID TO NICOLE LAST
HALLOWEEN?

YEAH, EXACTLY.

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET INTO
HER LOCKER?

WE’LL FIGURE IT OUT.

JUST GET ME THAT GUNK FROM THE
LAB AND MEET ME BACK HERE IN

HALF AN HOUR.

OKAY.

UGH, SMELL THAT.

OVERKILL?

NO SUCH THING.

OKAY, GIVE ME THE STUFF.

ALL RIGHT.

GO STAND GUARD.

OH, YEAH.

HOW MUCH SHOULD I USE?

SIX DROPS.

OKAY.

OR SIX MILLILITERS.

WHICH ONE IS IT?

UH-OH.

OH, PLEASE TELL ME "UH-OH"
DOESN’T MEAN YOU FORGOT.

I FORGOT.

LOUIS!

HARLOW!

HARLOW?

HURRY!

QUICK, HOW MUCH SHOULD I USE?

LOUIS! LOUIS!

HERE HE COMES!

TERRY? TERRY?

TERRY VENESSI?

TERRY!

( students murmuring )
I GUESS IT WAS SIX DROPS.

I’M SORRY WE'VE HAD TO DELAY
THIS MEETING, BUT MAYBE YOUR

NOSES CAN STILL TELL YOU THAT
THE SCHOOL HAS BEEN CLOSED FOR

THE LAST TWO DAYS.

I DO APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT
YOU’VE BROUGHT YOUR FAMILIES

WITH YOU, THOUGH.

TERRY’S A CONSCIENTIOUS
STUDENT, MR. HARLOW.

SHE WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING
LIKE THIS INTENTIONALLY.

WELL, THANK YOU, MR. BALFOUR.

WELL, KAREN DIDN’T DO
ANYTHING.

IN FACT, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY
WE SHOULD BE HERE.

BECAUSE SHE RUINED TERRY’S
SCIENCE PROJECT.

HARDLY THE SAME AS
VANDALIZING SCHOOL PROPERTY.

IT’S WORSE.

OH, REALLY?

WHAT ABOUT THE--
NOW, LADIES, PLEASE.

THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME--
THIS IS NOT THE FIFTH TIME THAT

WE’VE ALL BEEN HERE TOGETHER IN
THIS OFFICE.

I’M SURE WE ALL REMEMBER THE
LITTLE INCIDENT WITH THE

TEAR-AWAY BASKETBALL JERSEY?

I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP HER
GET A DATE.

THE POINT IS I DON’T THINK
THAT I CAN HANDLE THIS FEUD OF

YOURS WITH ANOTHER LITTLE MERE
SUSPENSION.

I’VE TURNED THE MATTER OVER TO A
JUVENILE OFFICER.

THE POLICE?

MR. BALFOUR?

THIS IS OFFICER SMITH.

I THINK YOU’LL FIND SHE HAS A
VERY INTERESTING TAKE ON THIS

MATTER.

GIVEN THE SEVERITY OF THE
DAMAGE AND THE HISTORY OF THE

GIRLS’ ANIMOSITY TO EACH OTHER,
I’M GOING TO RECOMMEND THAT THEY

BE EXPELLED FROM SCHOOL AND SENT
TO THE JUVENILE WORK FARM IN

BIXBY FOR 30 DAYS.

WHAT?

YOU’RE SENDING TERRY TO JAIL?

WORK FARM.

YOU CAN’T DO THAT.

CAN SHE?

WHAT ABOUT THE PROM?

OH, NOW THAT’S REALLY
IMPORTANT.

WE’RE BOTH GOING TO HAVE
CRIMINAL RECORDS AND YOU’RE

WORRIED ABOUT YOUR MORONIC PROM.

AT LEAST I’M GOING.

WELL, DON’T WORRY.

I’M SURE THE WORK FARM WILL HAVE
A SPRING HOEDOWN.

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

YOU ALWAYS WALK AROUND LIKE
YOU’RE SMARTER THAN ANYBODY

ELSE.

THAT’S BECAUSE I AM.

WELL, I GUESS YOU HAVE TO BE
SOMETHING IF YOU’RE GOING TO

LIVE IN A DELI.

KAREN!

WELL, IT SURE BEATS THINKING
YOU CAN GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING

JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE RICH.

TERRY, BE QUIET.

OFFICER, IS IT REALLY
NECESSARY TO SEND THE GIRLS TO A

WORK FARM?

THERE MAY BE AN ALTERNATIVE,
A MORE... CREATIVE SENTENCE.

I DIDN’T BRING IT UP BECAUSE
IT’S DIFFICULT TO JUDGE JUST HOW

MUCH OF THEIR INTOLERANCE AND
PREJUDICE THE GIRLS LEARN IN

THEIR HOME.

WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?

SHE IS IMPLYING THAT YOU
TAUGHT KAREN EVERYTHING YOU KNOW

ABOUT BEING A SNOB.

WELL, THAT IS RIDICULOUS.

JUST BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T--
MILLIE. MILLIE.

OFFICER, YOU WERE SAYING
SOMETHING ABOUT AN ALTERNATIVE?

CREATIVE SENTENCING?

YES, MR. RIDGEWAY.

INSTEAD OF EXPULSION AND A MONTH
AT BIXBY, I SUGGEST THE GIRLS DO

50 HOURS OF GARBAGE DETAIL FOR
THE PARKS DEPARTMENT.

GROSS.

SHUT UP.

YOU SHUT UP.

AND...

THAT THEY SWITCH FAMILIES FOR A
MONTH TO SEE HOW THE OTHER GIRL

LIVES.

YOU CAN’T MAKE ME LIVE IN A
DELI.

JACK, SAY SOMETHING.

I THINK IT’S AN INSPIRED
IDEA.

( chuckles )
THANK YOU, MR. RIDGEWAY.

OF COURSE, I CAN’T FORCE YOU
INTO ANYTHING.

IT’S YOUR CHOICE.

OUR CHOICE?

SOME CHOICE, LIVING WITH THEM?

MA, YOU WANT TO SPEAK UP HERE?

TERRY CAN STAY IN SCHOOL?

DEFINITELY.

WE’LL DO IT.

THERE MUST BE SOME
ALTERNATIVE--

COUNT US IN, TOO, OFFICER.

GOOD.

NOW, GIRLS, THIS IS FOR REAL.

WHEN YOU SWITCH FAMILIES, YOU’VE
GOT TO DO EACH OTHER’S CHORES

AND OBEY EACH OTHER’S PARENTS.

WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT,
YOU’RE IN THIS TOGETHER, AND

YOU’RE GOING TO WALK IN EACH
OTHER’S SHOES FOR THE NEXT

30 DAYS.

UNDERSTOOD?

CAN I STILL GO TO THE PROM?

( laughs )
WHAT?

MAN!

TERRY, HURRY UP!

I AM.

DID YOU PACK YOUR GOOD BLUE
SKIRT?

UH, YEAH.

GREAT, AND HOW ABOUT THAT
NICE GRAY CARDIGAN?

OH, NO.

WHAT IS THIS ABOUT, MA?

I DON’T WANT THEM THINKING
YOU ARE SOME
GAVONE
WHO DOES NOT

KNOW HOW TO DRESS.

WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHAT THEY
THINK?

IT MATTERS.

THAT MILLIE RIDGEWAY HAS CALLED
ALREADY THREE TIMES TODAY.

CHE COSA,
THOSE QUESTIONS SHE
ASKS.

SHE MUST THINK YOU WERE RAISED
BY WOLVES.

OR MUSICIANS.

( laughs )
OKAY, POP, WELL, I WILL BE

BACK IN ONE HALFHOUR.

OKAY.

AND I WILL BE BACK IN A
MONTH.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.

WHAT DO YOU GOT PLANNED FOR
THE REST OF THE DAY, POP?

WELL, LET’S SEE.

MICHELLE PFEIFFER CALLED AND
CANCELLED OUR LUNCH, AND SO I

FIGURED I’D REARRANGE THE
BISCOTTI, YOU KNOW.

GOOD.

AND HAVE A FEW OLD FRIENDS
OVER FOR SOME CHIANTI.

HEY, WHO?

HEY, WHO.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING, "WHO"?

WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT THIS
AFTERNOON, 4:00, DR. COLBERT.

NOW, I LEFT THE DIRECTIONS AND
THE ADDRESS BY THE CASH

REGISTER.

HEY, HEY, HEY, I’M A BIG BOY
NOW, ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN, IF I CAN GET TO THE
PARAMOUNT THEATER BY MYSELF, I

CAN CERTAINLY GET TO THE DOCTOR
BY MYSELF.

ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

GIVE ME THESE.

HEY, MA!

I GOT ’EM, I GOT 'EM.

( babbles and chuckles )
HEY, WHIZ KID, DON’T I GET A

LITTLE SUGAR?

YES.

MMM!

TI VUOLO BENE, BELLISIMA.

HEY, WHAT’S THE WORD,
MOCKINGBIRD?

SWING AND SWEAT AND CHARLIE
BARNET.

GIVE THIS LADY AN "A."

TRY TO HAVE SOME FUN OVER THERE,
OKAY?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

BYE, PAPA.

DAVID, YOU THINK IT’S GOING
TO BE WEIRD?

I THINK IT BEATS BEING ON
TRASH DETAIL.

NO, IT DOESN’T.

I HAVE TO DO THAT, TOO, IN A
TACKY ORANGE JUMPSUIT.

WELL, AT LEAST IT’LL MATCH
YOUR HAIR.

OH, THAT’S NICE.

THIS IS SO UNFAIR.

SHE GETS TO LIVE IN LUXURY AND I
HAVE TO LIVE HERE, IN A DELI.

AT LEAST YOU’LL EAT WELL.

BESIDES, HOW WEIRD CAN IT REALLY
BE?

BESIDES, HOW WEIRD CAN IT REALLY
BE?

AW, KAREN AND HER BOYFRIEND.

DIE, DIE!

( chuckles )
( telephone rings )

HELLO?

WE’RE WATCHING YOU, DELI
GIRL.

( girls laugh )
WHO IS THIS?

( girls laugh )
WOW...

COOL.

LOOK THROUGH THIS.

LOOK THROUGH THIS.

COME ON, LOOK THROUGH THIS.

STOP.

( telephone rings )
HELLO?

DO YOU DELIVER?

( both laugh )
HA HA HA.

WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?

BLACK, WHICH IS THE ABSENCE
OF ALL COLORS.

DO YOU HAVE A LITTLE SISTER?

LUCKILY, NO.

WANT TO HEAR SOME
"KNOCK-KNOCK" JOKES?

KNOCK-KNOCK.

KNOCK-KNOCK.

YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SAY "WHO'S
THERE?"

SHOULDN’T YOU BE IN A PLAY
GROUP OR SOMETHING?

NO.

( laughs )
BOOBY TRAP! BOOBY TRAP!

( telephone rings )
BOOBY-TRAP! BOOBY-TRAP!

BOOBY-TRAP! BOOBY-TRAP!

BOOBY-TRAP! BOOBY TRAP!

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH ROOM IN
THAT CLOSET.

DO YOU HAVE ANY WOODEN HANGERS?

ALL I FOUND WAS WIRE.

NO, THAT’S IT.

OH, UH, SOMEBODY NAMED CHAD
CALLED.

HE CALLED ABOUT FOUR TIMES THIS
MORNING.

WHY DIDN’T YOU COME AND GET
ME?

WHAT?

WHAT AM I, THE BELLBOY?

WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

YOU GOT TO THINK.

( chuckles )
KIDS TODAY.

DOES THIS PLACE ALWAYS SMELL
LIKE SALAMI?

OH, NO, NO.

ON WEDNESDAYS AND THURSDAYS, IT
SMELLS LIKE BROCCOLI.

HI, CHAD.

NO, THEY ONLY HAVE ONE LINE.

I KNOW,
MUY PRIMITIVO.

HEY, YOU GOT TWO MINUTES ON
THIS LINE.

IT’S A BUSINESS PHONE.

I GOT TO GO, CHAD.

YEAH, I’LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE MY OWN PHONE AT
HOME.

I COULDN’T LIVE WITHOUT IT.

WHAT DOES TERRY DO?

HER HOMEWORK.

OH, THAT’S RIGHT.

BOYS DON’T CALL TERRY.

OKAY, CARL, MY PLEASURE.

BYE.

WELL, DID YOU GET SETTLED,
TERRY?

OH, YES, BUT SOME STUFF FELL
OUT OF THE CLOSET--

OH, DO YOU HAVE ANY FOOD
ALLERGIES?

EXCUSE ME?

IF THERE IS ANYTHING YOU
CAN’T EAT, JUST TELL EDNA.

UH, LET’S SEE.

OH, NOW HERE ARE THE HOUSE
RULES.

YOU JUST READ THEM THROUGH.

IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS--
I’LL JUST ASK YOU AT DINNER.

OH, WELL, NO, I WON’T BE HOME
FOR DINNER.

I HAVE TO SHOW A HOUSE AT 6:00
AND THEN LADIES LEAGUE.

COME HERE.

HERE’S OUR WHOLE NIGHT RIGHT
HERE ON THIS CALENDAR.

SEE, JACK’S IN BLACK.

I’M IN RED, DAVID'S IN GREEN,
TIFF’S IN BLUE.

DAVID’S AT THE MOVIES, AND JACK
HAS SOME CIGAR NIGHT THING WITH

HIS SALESMEN.

OH, THE MAIN THINGS FOR YOU TO
REMEMBER ARE YOU HAVE TWO HOURS

A DAY ON YOUR TELEPHONE, NO
R-RATED VIDEOS, NO BOYS IN THE

BACK OF THE HOUSE EVER.

EDNA IS NOT A SLAVE.

WE RECYCLE.

AND ABSOLUTELY NO DIRTY TOWELS
ON ANY OF THE BATHROOM FLOORS.

OKAY.

SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

OH, BE CAREFUL.

THAT’S FROM GERMANY.

THIS IS NOT BOOT CAMP, REALLY.

IT’S JUST THAT WE'RE ALL SO
BUSY, IT REALLY HELPS IF WE’RE

ORGANIZED.

ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH.

WELL, GREAT.

THEN I’LL SEE YOU LATER.

READ YOUR HOUSE RULES.

SEE YOU LATER.

"HERE AT THE RIDGEWAY HOUSE,
WE BELIEVE TEAMWORK IS THE KEY

TO SUCCESS"?

I’M TOAST.

HELLO, MAVIS.

MAVIS-- DIETING.

SO, NICOLE TELLS ME THE VENESSI
GIRL MOVED IN TODAY.

30 DAYS AND COUNTING.

DON’T WORRY.

EVERYONE KNOWS KAREN WAS JUST
REACTING TO THAT HORRIBLE GIRL.

SHE’S JUST LIKE HER MOTHER.

GRACE VENESSI WAS A
TROUBLEMAKER, TOO, REMEMBER?

DIDN’T SHE PROTEST AGAINST
THE DRESS CODE IN HIGH SCHOOL?

SHE SURE DID.

AND FROM THE WAY SHE DRESSES
NOW, LOOKS LIKE SHE’S STILL

PROTESTING.

( both chuckle )
GIGI.

MM-HMM.

BETWEEN YOU, ME AND THE
LAMPPOST, I THINK THIS WHOLE

THING COULD PUT YOU RIGHT OVER
THE TOP.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

LOOK AROUND, MILLIE.

Both: FRANCINE.

EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM FEELS
SORRY FOR YOU.

YOU’RE BOUND TO BE NOMINATED FOR
PRESIDENT OF THE LEAGUE.

YOU THINK?

YOU GET ANOTHER VOTE FOR
EVERY DAY KAREN’S STUCK IN THAT

DELI.

BOO.

( chuckles ) WHAT’S THE MATTER?

CAN’T SLEEP?

THE BED WAS TOO SOFT.

AH, FELT THE PEA, HUH?

EXCUSE ME?

IT’S A FAIRY TALE.

ABOUT THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA.

IT’S ABOUT THIS HOITY-TOITY
PRINCESS WHO COULDN’T SLEEP

BECAUSE SHE FELT A LITTLE PEA
WHILE SLEEPING ON A STACK OF

MATTRESSES.

I AM NOT HOITY-TOITY.

COULD HAVE FOOLED ME.

HOW ABOUT SOME TOMATO AND
PROVOLONE, HUH?

GROSS.

EAT THIS BEFORE YOU GO TO
BED, YOU’LL DREAM IN

TECHNICOLOR.

WHAT ARE THOSE PILLS FOR?

OH, THESE PILLS?

THESE ARE BLOOD THINNERS.

DOCTOR SAYS I GOT TO HAVE SKINNY
BLOOD.

MY MOM SAYS CHEESE WILL KILL
YOU.

WE USE SOY CHEESE.

IT’S JUST LIKE REAL CHEESE, ONLY
IT’S MADE FROM BEANS.

CHEESE FROM BEANS.

MMM, THAT MUST TASTE BLECH!

WHAT KIND OF SANDWICH ARE YOU
MAKING THERE?

OH, RICE CAKES, TOMATO AND
CUCUMBER.

WHAT KIND OF DREAMS DO YOU
HAVE WITH RICE CAKES?

I DON’T KNOW.

YOU DON’T KNOW, EH?

THERE’S A LOT YOU DON'T KNOW,
PRINCESS.

LET’S SEE, WHAT NOW?

A LITTLE FRUIT?

NO, A LITTLE PEPPERS.

WHAT’S THE MATTER?

YOU NEVER SEEN A GUY BEFORE?

YEAH.

NO.

UH, YEAH--
NICE PJs.

OH, YOUR MOM SAYS YOU
SHOULDN’T THROW TOWELS ON THE

FLOOR.

IT’S HOUSE RULE NUMBER 17-B.

SO PICK IT UP.

ECH!

WHAT IS THAT?

WHAT’S WHAT?

THAT.

WHAT, THIS?

YES!

THIS IS A TONGUE.

IS IT REAL?

NO, IT’S A BALLOON.

OF COURSE IT’S REAL.

I DON’T BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE.

WHOSE WAS IT?

IT CAME FROM A RUDE LITTLE
GIRL WITH A VERY BIG MOUTH.

SORRY.

PAPA!

YOU LEFT THE PRICER IN THE
COOLER.

WHAT, IT FROZE THE PRIZES?

OH.

LOOK AT THIS, HUH?

WATCH THIS, KAREN.

PRESS, WIPE.

PRETTY NEAT, HUH?

FASCINATING.

THERE YOU GO.

LOOK, I MAY HAVE TO LIVE
HERE, BUT I DON’T HAVE TO WORK

HERE.

CHE PAS?

HEY, WHAT’S THIS?

PAPA,
STA TI ZITI.

UM, KAREN, THE THING IS, TERRY
HELPS ME EVERY DAY AFTER

SCHOOL TO STOCK THE SHELVES, SO
YOU JUST BE HERE AT 4:00, OKAY?

I HAVE CHEERLEADING.

NO, YOU DON’T.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THEY DIDN’T TELL YOU?

WHERE IS THAT LETTER, PAPA?

I THINK YOU LEFT IT BY THE
CASH REGISTER.

THAT THING FROM THE-- YEAH.

HERE, KAREN...

HONEY, YOU WERE SUSPENDED.

I GUESS IT’S PART OF YOUR
PUNISHMENT.

NICOLE NEVER EVEN SAID
ANYTHING TO ME.

I’M SORRY.

I’M REALLY SORRY, KAREN.

YOU WANT SOME BREAKFAST, HUH?

A NICE FRITTATA?

I DON’T EAT BREAKFAST.

EDNA USUALLY MAKES ME A SOY MILK
SMOOTHIE.

LET ME GUESS.

FROM BEANS, EH?

PAPA, GET HER A NICE JELLY
DOUGHNUT.

GOOD IDEA.

YEAH.

( sighs ) KAREN, IF IT MAKES YOU
FEEL ANY BETTER, I WAS ONCE

SUSPENDED FROM CHEERLEADING.

YOU WERE A CHEERLEADER?

YEAH.

THEY DUMPED ME FOR PROTESTING
THE DRESS CODE.

YEAH, THEY WANT THE CHEERLEADERS
TO BE PERKY, NOT POLITICAL.

DID YOU EVER GET OVER IT?

IT RUINED HER LIFE.

IT DID NOT.

OF COURSE I GOT OVER IT.

YOU WILL, TOO.

LISTEN, GO ON NOW, YOU’RE GOING
TO MISS YOUR BUS, OKAY?

YOU ALL RIGHT?

I’LL SEE YOU LATER.

THIS IS DELICIOUS.

IT’S 'CAUSE IT’S NOT MADE
FROM BEANS.

THAT’S A SIN.

POOR GIRL.

I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT MILLIE.

SHE DIDN’T TELL HER ABOUT THIS.

HEY, MAYBE YOU TWO SHOULD GET
TOGETHER, YOU KNOW, COMPARE

NOTES.

THAT WOMAN HAS MORE NOTES
THAN A PICCOLO.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

WHAT?

DON’T LET HER INTIMIDATE YOU.

OH, SHE’S--
COME ON, COME ON.

YOU KNOW, MILLIE MAY LIVE IN
LARCHMONT NOW, BUT YOU AND I

BOTH KNOW SHE’S A LITTLE GIRL
FROM WALNUT LANE, JUST LIKE YOU.

ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY.

HEY, SAL, WE’RE GOING TO PLAY
CARDS LATER.

YOU WANT TO COME, EH?

( sniffling )
HERE.

OH, IT’S CLEAN.

THANKS.

I’M LOUIS.

I KNOW.

THAT’S JUST A SHOT, WON'T
WORK.

WHAT YOU GOT TO DO IS, YOU GOT
TO WRAP A TOURNIQUET ABOVE THE

FANG PUNCTURE SO THAT THE VENOM
DOESN’T TRAVEL UP THE LEG, THEN

SOMEONE HAS TO SUCK ALL THE
POISON OUT WITH THEIR MOUTH.

DO YOU EVER STOP TALKING?

NO.

BUT YOU SOUND LIKE SUCH A
NERD.

I
AM
A NERD.

( laughs )
LOUIS, I THOUGHT YOU WERE

SUCH A NERD.

I’M REALLY IMPRESSED.

SEE YOU LATER, LOUIS.

NEW GIRLFRIEND, LOUIS?

SHE WAS CRYING, OKAY?

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

SHE WAS CRYING?

REALLY?

SO HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT IN
SALAMI CITY?

AND WHY WERE YOU TALKING TO THAT
MORON?

NICOLE, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL
ME I GOT SUSPENDED FROM THE

CHEERLEADING SQUAD?

ME?

I THOUGHT BLAIR TOLD YOU.

I’M SO SORRY.

OH, YOU POOR THING.

I’LL MAKE HER APOLOGIZE TO YOU
AT LUNCH.

I’LL MAKE HER APOLOGIZE TO YOU
AT LUNCH.

OKAY, I’LL HAVE THE MONTE
CRISTO AND A DIET CREAM SODA.

THANKS.

VERY GOOD.

FOR YOU?

BAKED POTATO, NO SOUR CREAM,
SALSA.

DINNER SALAD, NO DRESSING,
LEMON.

AND A SPARKLING WATER, PLEASE.

VERY GOOD.

YOU KNOW, GRACE--
I THINK THAT PROBABLY--

( both chuckle )
YOU GO FIRST.

ALL RIGHT.

I KNOW YOU AND I HAVE TAKEN
DIFFERENT ROADS SINCE HIGH

SCHOOL.

THAT’S AN UNDERSTATEMENT.

YES.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW I DON’T BLAME
YOU FOR THE TROUBLE KAREN IS IN.

I DON’T BLAME ME EITHER.

WELL, NO, WHAT-- WHAT I MEAN
IS, THAT OFFICER SEEMED TO FEEL

THAT CHILDREN ARE A REFLECTION
OF THEIR PARENTS.

THAT REMARK ABOUT YOUR HOME, I--
WELL, I DON’T KNOW WHERE KAREN

GOT THAT ATTITUDE.

I MEAN, JACK AND I HAVE
CERTAINLY NEVER ENCOURAGED HER

TO BE SO HEARTLESS ABOUT THE
DISADVANTAGED.

YEAH, WELL...

KIDS CAN SURPRISE YOU.

I MEAN, FOR INSTANCE, I WAS AN
AVERAGE STUDENT, RIGHT, IN HIGH

SCHOOL, AND HERE’S TERRY,
STRAIGHT As.

ALL As, MY TERRY.

BUT, OF COURSE, THAT DOESN’T
MEAN SHE CAN LORD IT OVER

ANYBODY.

OF COURSE.

JACK SEEMS TO FEEL THAT THIS
SWITCH WILL BE GOOD FOR KAREN,

GIVE HER SOME PERSPECTIVE ON THE
REAL WORLD.

BUT I’M WORRIED SHE WON'T BE
ABLE TO HANDLE HOW DIFFERENT

THINGS ARE.

WELL, US FOLKS IN THE REAL
WORLD WILL DO OUR VERY BEST TO

MAKE SURE THAT THINGS GO AS EASY
AS POSSIBLE FOR MISS KAREN

DURING HER STAY IN THE SLUMS.

THAT’S NOT HOW I MEANT IT AT
ALL.

HOW’D YOU MEAN IT, MILLIE,
HUH?

I MEAN, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU.

ONE MINUTE YOU’RE TELLING ME
THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE KAREN

GETS HER ATTITUDE, AND THE NEXT
MINUTE, YOU’RE CALLING ME

DISADVANTAGED TO MY FACE.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

WHY ARE YOU BEING SO
SENSITIVE ABOUT THIS?

I-I’M JUST TRYING TO EXPLAIN HOW
I FEEL AND CLEAR THE AIR.

WELL, CLEAR THIS.

I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT MY TERRY
GOING TO LIVE WITH YOU.

IN FACT, I’M WORRIED.

I’M AFRAID SHE'S GOING TO COME
HOME A SNOTTY, STUCK-UP LITTLE

SOCIALITE LIKE KAREN.

GET OVER IT, GRACE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

THAT MEANS THAT YOU HAVE HAD
A CHIP ON YOUR SHOULDER EVER

SINCE I WENT AWAY TO COLLEGE AND
YOU HAD TO STAY BEHIND.

YES, YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE ON
WALNUT LANE.

WELL, YOU CAN RESENT ME ALL YOU
LIKE.

YOU LEAVE MY DAUGHTER OUT OF
THIS.

FINE, FINE.

BUT IF YOU DO ANYTHING TO MY
DAUGHTER, YOU HURT HER IN ANY

WAY, I WILL BE IN YOUR FACE SO
FAST YOU’LL THINK I'M THE

ALIEN.

YOU CAPICHE,
MILLIE RIDGEWAY?

I UNDERSTAND YOU PERFECTLY.

IF I’VE TAUGHT KAREN ANYTHING,
I’VE TAUGHT HER NEVER TO

APOLOGIZE FOR HER SUCCESS.

MY DAUGHTER MAY HAVE TO LIVE
WITH YOU, GRACE, BUT SHE DOESN’T

HAVE TO LOWER HER STANDARDS.

NOW IF YOU WILL EXCUSE ME, I
SEEM TO HAVE LOST MY APPETITE.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU GOTTA PUT JUST A LITTLE
PRESSURE ON IT.

JUST A LITTLE PRESSURE.

NOT TOO HARD.

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW HOW
TO CUT MEAT?

I’M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO EAT IT.

LOOK, PRINCESS, DON’T GET
MAD.

IT’S DANGEROUS.

YOU COULD SLICE YOUR FINGER OFF.

ALL RIGHT, NOW LOOK, YOU GOT TO
PLAY THE SLICER.

YOU KNOW, IT’S LIKE TOMMY DORSEY
ON THE TROMBONE.

( humming tune )
SEE, YOU GET A RHYTHM, YOU KNOW

WHAT I MEAN?

SMOOTH.

HOW’S THAT?

WELL, YOU’RE NO TOMMY DORSEY,
BUT IT’S OKAY.

HEY, KAREN.

CAN I GET BREAD AND MUSTARD FOR
THAT, OR DO YOU JUST WANT ME TO

EAT OFF YOUR HANDS?

HI, CHAD.

CHAD?

SO YOU’RE THE GUY'S CALLING
EVERY FIVE MINUTES, EH?

YOU WANT TO BUY A SANDWICH?

SURE.

WE ALL DO, RIGHT, GUYS?

YEAH.

I MEAN, AS LONG AS KAREN’S
MAKING THEM, YOU KNOW.

PAPA TOGNETTI, NICE TO MEET
YOU.

HEY, YOU BREAK THAT, YOU BUY IT.

OKAY.

HE’S GOING TO BUY IT.

THEY GOT MONEY.

OKAY, WE GOT CUSTOMERS.

HEY, POP. POP!

YEAH?

WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON
HERE?

THESE KIDS GOT MONEY.

WE GOT CUSTOMERS.

( laughs )
LOOKS GREAT.

WHERE SHOULD I SIT?

NOWHERE.

THIS IS A DELI, NOT A
RESTAURANT.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU PUT TABLES
OUTSIDE, KIDS COULD HANG OUT.

I DON’T WANT KIDS HANGING
OUT.

YOU’D SELL A LOT MORE
SANDWICHES.

YOU KNOW, YOU COULD PUT A
TAKEOUT WINDOW OVER THERE BY THE

MAGAZINE RACK, AND THEN KIDS
COULD ORDER FROM THE SIDEWALK.

THAT WAY, THE STORE STAYS FREE
FOR SHOPPERS.

NOT A BAD IDEA.

GOT ANY ROOT BEER?

I’LL GET IT FROM THE BACK.

TAKEOUT WINDOW.

MANNAGGI.

HI, CHAD.

HI, NICOLE.

HI, BLAIR.

HELLO, MRS. VENESSI.

IS KAREN HERE?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW?

I’M NICOLE, HER BEST FRIEND.

AH, THE ONE WHO DIDN’T TELL
HER SHE WAS DUMPED FROM

CHEERLEADING.

CHAD, I GOT THE ROOT BEER--
NICOLE, BLAIR.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU HAD CHEERLEADING
PRACTICE.

UGH, YOU POOR THING.

DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO SLICE
SALAMI?

HOW ELSE IS SHE GOING TO SELL
IT, HUH?

PIG’S FEET?

OH, HOW DISGUSTING.

GROSS.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE TONGUE?

THEY HAVE A TONGUE?

FROM AN ANIMAL?

YEAH, IT’S A REGULAR PET
CEMETERY AROUND HERE.

DON’T WORRY, ONLY 26 MORE
DAYS, THEN YOU’RE OUT RIGHT

AFTER THE PROM.

HEY, IS DAVID TAKING ANYBODY?

NICOLE, HE’S 17.

HE’S NOT GOING TO OUR PROM
UNLESS SOMEONE INVITES HIM.

YOU’RE NOT THINKING OF
INVITING--

IT WOULD BE SO COOL IF I
SHOWED UP WITH AN OLDER GUY.

NICOLE, DAVID DOESN’T LISTEN
TO ME ABOUT ANYTHING, ESPECIALLY

GIRLS.

HI, CHAD.

YOU’RE NOT GOING TO STAY HERE,
ARE YOU?

YOU KNOW, A COUPLE OF TABLES
OUTSIDE, NOT A BAD IDEA.

PAPA, PHIL’S FAMILY OWNED
THIS PLACE FOR 50 YEARS WITHOUT

TABLES.

SO?

SO.

SO, A COUPLE OF TABLES
OUTSIDE IS NOT A SIN.

I MEAN, IT’S A DELI.

IT’S NOT THE VATICAN.

CAN I TAKE A BREAK?

CHAD WANTS TO SHOW ME HIS SUIT
FOR THE PROM.

CAN’T YOU SEE WE'RE BUSY?

BUT IT’S JUST OUT FRONT.

THEN LET HIM GO GET IT!

OKAY?!

( groans )
( knock on door )

KAREN?

LISTEN, UH...

I DIDN’T MEAN TO BITE YOUR HEAD
OFF THIS AFTERNOON.

AND, YOU KNOW, MAYBE TABLES
OUTSIDE ARE A GOOD IDEA.

IT’S JUST THAT EVER SINCE
TERRY’S DAD DIED, I'VE SORT OF

TRIED TO KEEP THE PLACE THE
SAME.

SO, I’M SORRY.

THAT’S OKAY.

WOULD IT BE OKAY IF I MOVED SOME
FURNITURE AROUND IN HERE?

THERE’S JUST NOT A LOT OF ROOM
FOR MY STUFF.

( chuckles )
YOU SURE ARE ONE FOR REARRANGING

THINGS, AREN’T YOU, HUH?

OKAY, GO AHEAD.

BUT BE SURE YOU PUT EVERYTHING
BACK THE WAY YOU FOUND IT OR

TERRY WILL GO BANANAS.

( screaming )
TIFFY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY

BED?!

YOU KICKED ME!

WHAT’S THE MATTER?

TIFFANY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

SHE KICKED ME!

I DIDN’T KNOW SHE WAS IN THE
BED.

MOM, BLACK JEANS?

IN THE DRYER, HONEY.

OH, TIFFY, TERRY DIDN’T MEAN IT.

YOU JUST SCARED HER, THAT’S ALL.

I DON’T SCARE KAREN.

WELL, YES, BUT TERRY ISN’T
KAREN.

NO, SHE’S NOT.

LOOK, NOW WHY DON’T YOU--
THE TWO OF YOU GO AND BRUSH YOUR

TEETH, OKAY?

( telephone rings )
OH, MY PHONE.

REMEMBER, NO TOWELS ON THE
FLOOR.

DITTO.

ALL RIGHT.

KNOCK-KNOCK.

SAY "WHO’S THERE?"
WHO’S THERE?

ORANGE.

SAY "ORANGE WHO?"
( thunder rumbles )

TERRY?!

KNOCK-KNOCK!

WELL, KAREN ALWAYS BABYSITS
TIFFY.

YEAH, BUT I’VE NEVER BABYSAT
FOR ANYBODY BEFORE.

WHAT ABOUT DAVID?

DAVID’S STUDYING AT EDDIE'S
HOUSE.

DIDN’T YOU LOOK AT THE CALENDAR?

YEAH, BUT WHAT IF SOMETHING
HAPP--

EMERGENCY NUMBERS ARE ON THE
SPEED DIAL, AND NO TV FOR TIFFY

AFTER 8:00.

DON’T WORRY, I'LL BE HOME BY
10:00.

OH, I’LL BE HOME AT 11:00.

BYE.

KNOCK-KNOCK!

TERRY!

( thunder rumbles )
KNOCK-KNOCK.

TIFFY, GO PLAY, OKAY?

KNOCK-KNOCK.

WHO CARES?

TISH.

SAY "TISH WHO?"
TISH WHO IS GOOD FOR BLOWING

YOUR NOSE.

GET IT?

CUT IT OUT, TIFFY.

YOU HATE ME.

NO, I DON’T HATE YOU.

LOOK, I HAVE A WHOLE HISTORY
CHAPTER TO READ, AND I CAN’T DO

IT WHEN YOU’RE BUGGING ME.

YOU’VE GOT TO HELP ME OUT HERE.

WHAT DOES KAREN DO WITH YOU WHEN
SHE HAS HOMEWORK?

SHE PLAYS MOMMY WITH ME.

SHE’S ALWAYS MOMMY WHEN MOMMY'S
GONE.

YOU MEAN SHE’S STUCK WITH YOU
ALL THE TIME?

SHE’S NOT STUCK!

OKAY, OKAY.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS PLAY?

( thunder crashes )
I’M NOT SINGING "MY FAVORITE

THINGS."

YEAH, THANKS FOR THE RECIPE,
MOM.

THEY TURNED OUT GREAT.

NO, THEY DON’T EAT A WHOLE LOT
OF BUTTER AROUND HERE, BUT THEY

TASTED PRETTY GOOD.

HERE, SAY HI TO MY MOM.

HI.

HI, TERRY’S MOM.

KNOCK-KNOCK.

LATER, TIFF.

YEAH, SHE SURE LOVES HER
KNOCK-KNOCK JOKES.

HI, PAPA.

YEAH, I MISS YOU, TOO.

NO, IT’S NOT SO BAD HERE.

( thunder crashes, electricity
crackles )

PAPA?

PAPA?

HOW COME IT WENT DARK?

IT’S OKAY.

TERRY!

OH, DON’T BABY OUT ON ME,
TIFFY.

I’M SCARED.

KNOCK-KNOCK.

WHO’S THERE?

HUGO.

HUGO WHO?

HUGO UPSTAIRS AND HELP ME
FIND A FLASHLIGHT.

( laughs )
THAT’S A GOOD ONE.

YEAH.

HERE, I’LL HELP YOU.

THANKS.

BE CAREFUL.

BOY, IT’S DARK.

YEAH, THAT’S WHY THEY CALL IT
A BLACKOUT.

12-YEAR-OLD ANN PUTNAM
TESTIFIED AGAINST HER FRIENDS,

AND THEY WERE BROUGHT TO TRIAL
AS WITCHES.

19 PEOPLE WERE HANGED BY THE
NECK, AND ONE MAN WAS PRESSED

TO DEATH.

ALL OF THIS HAPPENED BETWEEN THE
YEARS 1692 AND 1694 IN SALEM,

MASSACHUSETTS.

( crash )
WHAT WAS THAT?

YOU JUST STAY HERE, TIFFY.

OKAY?

TERRY, I’M SCARED.

IT’S OKAY.

JUST A LITTLE LIGHTNING.

( crash )
WHAT WAS THAT?

I DON’T KNOW.

JUST BE VERY, VERY QUIET, OKAY?

IT’S OKAY.

NO PROBLEM.

IT’S ALL RIGHT.

GOT THIS.

OKAY, HERE, NOW YOU STAY THERE
NO MATTER WHAT, OKAY?

( grunts )
DAVID?

OH, I’M SO SORRY.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE A BURGLAR.

I WAS LOCKED OUT.

I HAD TO BREAK IN THE BASEMENT.

DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME KNOCKING?

NO.

I’M SO SORRY.

ARE YOU HURT?

I’LL LIVE.

CAN YOU MANAGE NOT TO KILL
ANYBODY UNTIL I GET THE FUSE

FIXED?

OKAY?

OKAY.

I’M SORRY.

HELLO.

HEY.

LET ME GIVE YOU A HAND HERE.

OH, THANKS.

YOU KNOW, YOU’VE GOT ONE
HECK OF A SWING THERE.

I THINK I GOT A LAWSUIT.

OH, YEAH?

WELL, I’LL JUST PLEAD SELF-
DEFENSE.

YOU WILL, WILL YOU?

I GUESS I’LL LET YOU SLIDE THIS
TIME.

DID YOU MAKE THIS?

YEAH, IT’S MINESTRONE, MY
MOM’S RECIPE.

AHA.

HMM, NOT BAD.

NOT BAD?

OH, YOU DON’T WANT ANY?

NO, NO, NO, YES, I DO WANT
IT.

IT’S EXCELLENT.

UH, YOU’RE A GREAT COOK.

TERRY, YOU NEVER FINISHED THE
STORY.

I FORGOT ALL ABOUT YOU,
TIFFY.

NICE BABYSITTING.

TELL ME ABOUT THE MAN WHO WAS
IRONED TO DEATH.

IRONED TO DEATH?

WHAT KIND OF STORIES IS SHE
TELLING YOU, HUH?

I HAD A REPORT ON THE SALEM
WITCH TRIALS TO DO.

THE MAN WAS PRESSED TO DEATH.

SALEM WITCH TRIALS?

YEAH.

YOU SHOULD READ THE PLAY
"THE CRUCIBLE," BY ARTHUR

MILLER.

HAVE YOU HEARD OF THAT?

YEAH.

YOU READ PLAYS?

I’M HUNGRY.

LOOK, JUST BECAUSE I’M FROM
LARCHMONT DOESN’T MEAN I'M A

BONEHEAD, ALL RIGHT?

OH, NO, I DIDN’T MEAN THAT.

WELL, YOU LIKE ARTHUR MILLER?

YEAH.

I THINK "DEATH OF A SALESMAN’S"
GOTTA BE MY FAVORITE PLAY.

HAVE YOU READ THAT?

WELL, I JUST SAW A PRODUCTION
OF IT LAST YEAR.

YOU DID?

WHO PLAYED WILLY LOMAN IN IT?

JULIA ROSENBLOOM.

JULIA WHAT?

IT WAS AT AN ALL-GIRLS’ HIGH
SCHOOL.

DID YOU KNOW THAT ARTHUR
MILLER WAS ACTUALLY MARRIED TO

MARILYN MONROE?

MARILYN-- NO.

( telephone ringing )
YEAH, PEOPLE WERE BLOWN AWAY

BY THAT.

YEAH, THEY PROBABLY COULDN’T
UNDERSTAND WHY A BRILLIANT

PLAYWRIGHT WOULD MARRY SOME
ACTRESS.

PHONE!

PEOPLE ONLY KNEW HER FROM HER
MOVIES.

ISN’T ANYBODY GOING TO GET
THAT PHONE?

SO YOU THINK THAT MARILYN
MONROE WAS A LOT DEEPER THAN SHE

APPEARED?

I THINK EVERYBODY IS.

( ringing continues )
( picks up receiver )

HI, MOM.

YEAH, THE LIGHTS ARE BACK ON.

TIFFANY’S JUST FINE.

WE’RE HAVING A LITTLE SOUP HERE.

YEAH, THAT SAME SALT-FREE,
FAT-FREE, TASTE-FREE STUFF YOU

ALWAYS GIVE US.

WHAT?

YEAH.

WHAT?

♪ YOU LIKE DAVID
EAT YOUR GRANOLA BAR, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, BYE.

( rock music playing on
headphones )

AH...

KAREN?

KAR-- KAREN!

WHY’D YOU DO THAT?

I’M STUCK HERE.

SORRY.

LET ME GET IT.

OW.

THANKS.

WELCOME.

OH, SO YOU’RE TALKING TO ME
NOW?

I GUESS SO.

BUT NOT IN PUBLIC, AND DON’T
TELL ANYBODY.

WHO AM I GOING TO TELL?

LOUIS?

HE’S
YOUR
FRIEND.

YOURS, TOO.

WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

HE HAS THE BIGGEST CRUSH ON
YOU.

HE DOES?

HE WATCHES EVERYTHING THAT
YOU DO.

KIND OF LIKE YOUR MOM.

YOU NOTICED?

HARD TO MISS.

SHE STILL ALL OVER PAPA?

IF SHE ASKS HIM TO TAKE HIS
PILL ONE MORE TIME,
I’M
GOING TO

START TAKING THEM.

( chuckles )
FIGHT!

F-I-G-H-T!

TIGER FANS, YELL FIGHT! FIGHT!

THEY’RE DOING THE TIGERS
CHEER WRONG.

NICOLE!

THE HANDSPRINGS GO AT THE END,
NOT THE MIDDLE!

NICE JUMPSUITS!

( cheerleaders laugh )
HEY, KAREN!

MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY OUT FOR
MASCOT!

YOU’VE ALREADY GOT THE OUTFIT!

NICE FRIENDS YOU GOT THERE.

( indistinct conversations )
VEGGIES, RICE CAKES.

I FEEL LIKE I’M AT A DIET CAMP,
LOUIS.

UM, KAREN?

WHAT?

EXCUSE ME.

OH, WENDY, WHY DON’T YOU TAKE
THE EXTRA SEAT?

SORRY, NO ROOM.

( all laugh )
DOES ANYONE HAVE A SALAD THEY

WANT TO TRADE FOR A SANDWICH?

IT’S PROBABLY TONGUE.

OR PIG’S FEET.

( girls laugh )
I DO.

YOU’RE NOT EATING YOUR
SANDWICH.

I’M NOT HUNGRY.

YOU AND CHAD AREN’T ON THE
OUTS, ARE YOU?

NO, HE’S GREAT.

BUT I KNOW HE WANTS TO BE PROM
KING, AND HE’LL NEVER MAKE IT

WITH ME.

WH-- DON’T SAY THAT.

IT’S TRUE.

EVEN NICOLE’S TREATING ME LIKE
THE KISS OF DEATH THESE DAYS.

WELL, THAT’LL PASS.

PEOPLE CAN BE FICKLE.

IT’S JUST A FACT OF LIFE.

THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT'S RIGHT.

NO, IT DOESN’T.

IF IT’S ANY CONSOLATION TO YOU,
THE LADIES LEAGUE DECIDED

AGAINST USING MAMA LUNA’S FOR
THE PROM HORS D’OEUVRES.

GOT A BETTER OFFER FROM FOOD
WAY.

BUT THE VENESSIS COULD USE
THE MONEY.

I’M SURE THEY COULD.

WHY DO YOU HATE HER SO MUCH?

HATE WHO?

TERRY’S MOM.

I THOUGHT THE WHOLE IDEA OF THE
SWITCH WAS TO LEARN TO GET

ALONG.

IF TERRY AND I HAVE TO DO IT,
WHY DON’T YOU?

TERRY.

OH, HI, KAREN.

OH, I’M SORRY.

WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK IN
PUBLIC, SORRY.

THAT DOESN’T MATTER ANYMORE.

SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, I HAD TO RETURN A BOOK.

OH, NEW SHOES FOR THE PROM?

IF I GO.

IF YOU GO?

YOU HAVE TO GO.

YOU AND CHAD ARE GOING TO BE
KING AND QUEEN.

ARE YOU GOING?

GET REAL.

WHY DON’T YOU TAKE LOUIS?

LOUIS ISN’T A DATE.

HE’S MORE LIKE A... PET.

( chuckles )
YOU KNOW, TERRY, YOU COULD

GET A DATE IF YOU WANTED TO.

YEAH, IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE
I COULD.

COME HERE.

I LIKE IT.

IT’S MUCH MORE ELEGANT THAN
THOSE THINGS YOU WERE WEARING.

YEAH.

( gasps ) THOSE.

( both chattering indistinctly )
BUT WHAT ABOUT LIPSTICK?

I DON’T EVEN KNOW.

LIKE MINE.

OKAY, WHAT ABOUT MY HAIR?

I MEAN--
LIKE MINE.

OKAY.

DON’T LOOK NOW, BUT YOU'VE
JUST BEEN OFFICIALLY REGISTERED

AS COMPETITION.

IS THAT TERRY VENESSI?

NO!

WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?

( girls whispering )
WHAT’S THEIR PROBLEM?

TERRY, THEY’RE GUYS.

WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS GIRLS
AND FOOD.

CARL?

CARL, WE’RE BREAKING UP.

I’LL CALL YOU BACK.

HELLO.

GOOD AFTERNOON.

CAN I HELP YOU, MISS?

I’M LOOKING FOR GRACE
VENESSI.

WELL, WHO SHALL I SAY IS--
MILLIE.

MILLIE O’BRIEN, RIGHT?

AH...

YOU FILLED OUT, EH?

WELL, YES, I GUESS I DID.

HOW ARE YOU, MR. TOGNETTI?

WELL, LET’S SAY I'M BETTER
THAN YESTERDAY, EH?

OH.

NO, NO, IT’S A JOKE, A JOKE.

OH!

IF I REMEMBER RIGHT, YOU USED
TO LIKE...

AH, ENGLISH TOFFEE.

YES.

YES, I DID.

BUT NOT ANYMORE.

I-I DON’T EAT PROCESSED SUGAR.

OH, NEITHER DO I.

OH.

UM, BUT IF YOU DID, I
WOULDN’T TELL A SOUL.

UH, IT... USED TO BE RIGHT
BEHIND THE COUNTER.

IT STILL IS.

( chuckles )
OH, YOU KNOW, WHEN PHIL’S DAD

RAN THIS PLACE, HE USED TO SNEAK
ME SOME OF THAT EVERY TIME I

CAME HERE TO MARKET.

I DON’T KNOW HOW I STAYED SO
THIN.

MAYBE I’LL HAVE TWO PIECES.

MR. T--
MR. TOGNETTI, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

UH...

WAIT, I’LL GET-- I'LL GET HELP.

IF HE TAKES HIS PILLS, HE’S
FINE.

THERE IS NO TELLING HIM
ANYTHING.

I TRY, BUT...

( saxophone playing )
PAPA, IT’S LATE!

PLEASE KEEP IT DOWN!

( saxophone continues )
WELL, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

MY MOTHER ALMOST DROVE ME CRAZY.

SHE PLAYS THE SAX, TOO?

NO.

( stammers, chuckles )
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, FIRST SHE

WANTED TO SELL HER HOUSE.

THEN SHE DIDN’T.

THEN SHE WANTED TO LIVE WITH
US, BUT THE KIDS THEN DROVE HER

NUTS.

FINALLY SHE FOUND A PLACE THAT
SHE LOVED.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SEND YOU A
BROCHURE?

OH, NO.

I COULD NEVER PUT PAPA IN A
HOME.

OH, NO, THIS ISN’T A HOME.

THIS IS ONE OF THOSE LEISURE
VILLAGES.

YOU KNOW, GOLF, TENNIS.

MY MOTHER LOVES IT.

WELL, FORGET ABOUT PAPA;
WHERE DO I SIGN UP?

MILLIE, I’M REALLY SORRY ABOUT
THE OTHER DAY.

THAT MAKES TWO OF US.

OH, NO, NO COOKIES FOR ME,
THANK YOU.

NO WONDER YOU’RE SO SKINNY.

YOU KNOW, IN SCHOOL, OH, HOW I
ENVIED YOU.

YOU LOOKED SO GREAT IN JEANS.

YES, I MEAN, BUT YOU GOT
BREASTS IN SIXTH GRADE.

NO, I GOT SOCKS IN THE SIXTH
GRADE.

I DIDN’T HAVE BREASTS TILL THE
11th GRADE.

OH!

I KNOW!

BUT YOU, YOU GOT BRUCE HAGEN TO
TAKE YOU TO THE JUNIOR PROM.

OOH, BRUCE HAGEN?

Both: BRUCE HAGEN!

( laughs )
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO HIM?

BALD.

NO.

YES, AND HE MARRIED THAT
AWFUL MARIA CODY.

NO!

YES. YES.

THEY HAVE SIX KIDS.

THEY COME IN HERE ALL THE TIME.

MARIA CODY HAS SIX KIDS?

TELL ME THAT SHE KEPT ON ALL
THAT WEIGHT.

SKINNY.

OH!

WELL, I HATE HER.

SO NOW WILL YOU HAVE A
COOKIE?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

I’M HAVING TWO.

WHY, MILLIE!

( laughs )
OKAY, HERE’S TO SCRAWNY MARIA

CODY.

AND HERE’S TO BILLIARD BALL
BRUCE HAGEN.

( laughs ) OKAY.

HEY, DAVID, WANT TO HEAR A
KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE?

KNOCK-KNOCK.

WHEN DO YOU THINK WE’RE GOING
TO GET OUT OF THIS KNOCK-KNOCK

PHASE, HUH?

WELL, JACK, WHAT DO YOU
THINK?

I LIKE IT.

IT’S TOO BUSY.

STAVROS, IT’S TOO BUSY.

MORNING.

WHAT?

WELL, GOOD MORNING TO YOU,
TERRY.

DON’T YOU LOOK PRETTY?

WELL, TERRY’S BEEN SHOPPING.

ALLOW ME, MISS VENESSI.

THANK YOU, MR. RIDGEWAY.

DAVID LOOKS LIKE HE ATE CHILI
PEPPERS.

HUSH, TIFFY.

YOU KNOW, UM, JUST SCHOOL IF
YOU WANT, UH, MY CAR.

NO PROBLEM.

TRY A VERB, SON.

THANKS FOR THE HELP, DAD.

I GUESS I WAS GOING TO ALWAYS
BE A BIOCHEMICAL ENGINEER.

EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE TIME WHEN I
THOUGHT I WAS SURE I WOULD BE AN

ASTRONAUT.

OR A BALLERINA.

I USED TO DANCE AROUND THE DELI
IN THIS LITTLE TUTU.

I GUESS I’M TALKING TOO MUCH,
AREN’T I?

NO, NOT AT ALL.

WELL, WHAT, THEN?

I THINK YOU’D MAKE A GREAT
ASTRONAUT.

OR A BALLERINA.

OH, MY GOSH.

IS THAT TERRY IN DAVID’S CAR?

YEAH, RIGHT.

HEY, DAVID, CAR?

OH, MY GOSH, IT IS!

HEY, DAVID!

WHO’S THE BABE IN YOUR CAR?

( rock music playing on radio,
indistinct conversations )

MY MOM SAYS KAREN’S MOM USED
TO LIVE ON WALNUT LANE.

NO WONDER TERRY IS KAREN’S NEW
BEST FRIEND.

THE ONE I FEEL SORRY FOR IS
CHAD.

LOOKS GREAT.

MR. BALFOUR, WOULD IT BE OKAY
IF TERRY JOINED THE PROM

COMMITTEE?

SURE, SURE, WE COULD USE AS
MANY PEOPLE AS WE CAN GET.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, WE’RE KIND
OF SHORT ON CHAPERONES.

YOU THINK MAYBE YOUR MOTHER
MIGHT BE INTERESTED?

I COULD ASK HER.

GREAT, GREAT, HAVE HER GIVE
ME A CALL.

OR BETTER YET, KAREN, WHY DON’T
YOU HAVE HER GIVE ME A CALL?

HI, KAREN.

TERRY, LOVE THE HAIR.

IT’S SO... POOFY.

( girls laugh )
THANKS.

NICOLE...

YOU KNOW, I HATE TO BRING IT
UP, TERRY, BUT PROM COMMITTEE IS

JUST FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTUALLY
GOING TO THE PROM.

TERRY
IS
GOING.

I AM?

SURE, YOU ARE.

OH, REALLY?

WITH WHO?

WHOM.

EITHER WAY, THE COMMITTEE IS
FULL.

SAYS WHO?

WHOM.

AND IT DOESN’T MATTER.

TERRY SHOULD JUST LEAVE.

TERRY HAS JUST AS MUCH RIGHT
TO BE HERE AS ANYBODY ELSE.

IT’S NICE YOU'VE MADE TERRY
YOUR LITTLE PROJECT, KAREN, BUT

GETTING YOUR BROTHER TO DRIVE
HER DOWN THE STREET, THAT WON’T

MAKE HER SOMETHING SHE’S CLEARLY
NOT.

EXCUSE ME.

TERRY!

OKAY, GUYS, I FOUND SOME COOL
OLD GANGSTER PHOTOS.

MAYBE WE CAN BLOW THEM UP OR
SOMETHING.

WHERE’S KAREN?

I TOLD HER I WOULD MEET HER
HERE.

SHE LEFT.

OH, BUT WAIT, CHAD, UM...

I DO NEED SOME HELP WITH THE
PROM BALLOTS.

THERE’S SOME BOTTLES DOWN
THERE.

LOOK, TERRY, DON’T LET NICOLE
GET TO YOU.

WHY NOT?

SHE’S RIGHT.

NO, SHE’S NOT.

YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE PROM
COMMITTEE ISN’T WHAT I WANT.

I THOUGHT WE HAD FUN AT THE
MALL.

WE DID, BUT--
THEN WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM?

KAREN, I APPRECIATE
EVERYTHING YOU’VE DONE, BUT STOP

TRYING TO TURN ME INTO SOMEONE
YOU CAN BE SEEN WITH.

YOU THINK THAT’S WHAT I'M
TRYING TO DO?

I DON’T BELONG WITH A BUNCH
OF CHEERLEADERS.

THOSE ARE YOUR FRIENDS.

NOT ANYMORE.

I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY I EVER
LIKED NICOLE.

SHE’S SO MEAN.

YEAH, WELL, GET USED TO IT.

YOU’RE WALKING IN MY SHOES NOW,
REMEMBER?

AND YOU’RE WALKING IN MINE.

YOU’VE GOT TO ADMIT, THEY'RE A
LOT CUTER THAN THE ONES YOU HAD

BEFORE.

YEAH, BUT MAYBE THEY DON’T
FIT.

YEAH, BUT MAYBE THEY DON’T
FIT.

HOW’S IT LOOK, HUH?

PRETTY GOOD.

PRETTY GOOD?

YO-HO-HO.

TERRY, YOU GOT NEW CLOTHES.

YOU LOOK PRETTY.

WANT TO PLAY DRESS-UP?

OH, I CAN’T, TIFFY, I HAVE
AN ENGLISH REPORT TO DO.

THAT’S A NICE MUSTACHE, CAPTAIN
HOOK.

SURE, CARL, IF I’M ELECTED
LADIES LEAGUE PRESIDENT, I WILL

PLUG LARCHMONT REAL ESTATE EVERY
SINGLE CHANCE I GET.

UH-HUH, YEAH.

WELL, BYE.

WELL, HELLO, EVERYBODY.

HI, MOM.

OOH, STAVROS.

OOH, HORRIBLE.

OH, TERRY, OH, I’M GLAD YOU'RE
HERE.

I HAVE A LEAGUE MEETING TONIGHT,
SO YOU’RE BABYSITTING.

OOH, I CAN’T.

TIFFY, HONEY, YOU HAVE
LIPSTICK ALL OVER YOUR FACE.

IT’S MAKEUP.

I HAVE AN ENGLISH REPORT TO
DO.

YOUR MEETING WASN’T ON THE
CALENDAR.

I KNOW, I FORGOT TO WRITE IT
DOWN.

WELL, THIS WEEK HAS BEEN SO
CRAZY.

I’M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T.

I DON’T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND,
TERRY.

I REALLY NEED YOU TO BABYSIT
TONIGHT.

HELLO, IS STAVROS THERE?

WHAT ABOUT DAVID?

WHAT ABOUT MR. RIDGEWAY?

UH, ASK HIM TO CALL MRS.
RIDGEWAY, THANK YOU.

DAVID AND JACK ARE BUSY.

WELL, SO AM I!

I NEED TO DO MY HOMEWORK!

NO WONDER KAREN’S FLUNKING OUT.

MAYBE IF YOU WERE HOME ONCE IN A
WHILE, KAREN COULD GET SOME WORK

DONE.

SHE COVERS FOR YOU ALL THE TIME.

I MEAN, KAREN’S NOT TIFFY'S MOM.

YOU ARE.

I’LL STAY WITH TIFF, MOM.

I CAN HELP TONY WITH HIS
SPEAKERS SOME OTHER NIGHT.

COME ON.

AND WHEN YOUR MOTHER LEFT FOR
COLLEGE, I STARTED WORKING RIGHT

AWAY.

I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE GONE, YEAH,
BUT MY GRADES, THE MONEY.

PRINCESS, WHERE’S THE RICE
CAKES?

OH, IN THE CABINET BY THE
SINK.

GOOD, THANKS.

YOU’RE NOT GOING TO EAT THEM,
ARE YOU?

YEAH, RICE CAKES ARE GOOD
FOR YOU.

YOU SEE, YOU TAKE YOUR RICE
CAKE, THEN YOU TAKE YOUR

LETTUCE, THEN YOU TAKE YOUR
TOMATO, AND THEN I TAKE MY

CHEESE.

YOU SEE, THE CHEESE IS BALANCED
BY THE FIBER IN THE RICE CAKE.

YOU’LL LEARN ABOUT FIBER WHEN
YOU GET OLDER,

I CAN’T WAIT.

YOU’LL SEE.

( laughs )
HE’S FUNNY, POP, HUH?

WHAT’S THE MATTER?

YOU DON’T LOOK GOOD.

MNH-MNH, MNH-MNH.

YOU’VE HAD THIS DARK CLOUD OVER
YOUR HEAD SINCE YOU CAME HOME

TODAY.

WHAT’S GOING ON?

I THINK TERRY HATES ME.

I TRIED TO HELP HER, AND--
HOW?

HOW DID YOU HELP HER?

YOU KNOW, FIX HERSELF UP,
NEW CLOTHES, NEW HAIR.

REALLY?

HOW DOES SHE LOOK?

IN... CREDIBLE.

SHE COULD EVEN GET A DATE TO THE
PROM IF SHE WANTED.

BUT IT’S LIKE SHE WON'T EVEN
TRY.

I KNOW.

OH, MR. BALFOUR WANTS
CHAPERONES FOR THE PROM.

HE SAYS YOU SHOULD CALL HIM.

MNH-MNH, NO, I CAN’T
CHAPERONE THE PROM.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE.

BECAUSE.

UH...

I’LL THINK ABOUT IT.

THE PROM.

WELL, IT’S NICE TO SEE
SOMEONE USING KAREN’S COMPUTER.

I’M WORKING.

YEAH, SO AM I.

I’M THE OFFICIAL BABYSITTER.

IT’S MY JOB TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE
ALIVE.

I’M ALIVE.

LOOK, I JUST WANTED TO LET
YOU KNOW THAT I THOUGHT YOU WERE

GREAT WITH MOM BEFORE.

KAREN DOESN’T STICK UP FOR
HERSELF ENOUGH, AND, YOU KNOW,

MOM’S GREAT, BUT SOMETIMES SHE
TRIES TO DO TOO MUCH.

THANKS.

WHAT?

YOU LOOK-- YOU LOOK GREAT.

YOU GUYS ARE ALL THE SAME.

HOW SO?

YOU GRAVITATE TO THE SHINIEST
OBJECT.

LIKE GRUNION.

I DO NOT GRAVITATE TO SHINY
GIRLS.

I GRAVITATE TO SMART MINDS.

IN SHORT SKIRTS.

BUSTED.

CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

DID KAREN ASK YOU TO DRIVE ME TO
SCHOOL?

WHAT?

SHE DID, DIDN’T SHE?

NO.

IS THAT WHY YOU’RE ACTING SO
WEIRD?

I’M NOT ACTING WEIRD.

NICOLE CORNERED ME AT PROM
COMMITTEE--

WAIT A MINUTE, NICOLE?

SAY NO MORE.

THAT GIRL’S BAD NEWS.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT THE PROM
COMMITTEE?

I DON’T KNOW.

KAREN DRAGGED ME.

YOU CAN’T EVEN BE THERE UNLESS
YOU’RE GOING.

ARE YOU?

KIND OF HARD TO GO TO THE
PROM WITHOUT A DATE.

WELL, THEN, GET ONE.

YEAH, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO
THAT?

THE ONLY GUY WHO TALKS TO ME AT
SCHOOL IS LOUIS, AND HE’S...

LOUIS.

( chuckles )
SO ASK SOMEBODY ELSE.

SURE, NO PROBLEM.

IF YOU DON’T MIND, I HAVE TO
ANALYZE THE IRONY IN "GIFT OF

THE MAGI."

LOOK, TERRY, IT’S REALLY NO
BIG DEAL.

YOU JUST WALK UP TO THE GUY THAT
YOU WANT.

YOU SAY, "HI, YOU DON’T KNOW ME
VERY WELL, BUT I WAS WONDERING

IF YOU’D LIKE TO GO TO THE PROM
WITH ME."

YEAH, AND THEN HE SAYS,
"SURE, BUT FIRST CAN I DROP YOU

OFF AT THE INSANE ASYLUM?"
NO, NO, HE WON’T.

GO AHEAD AND JUST TRY IT.

TRY IT, PRACTICE ON ME.

GO AHEAD.

HI, YOU DON’T KNOW ME VERY
WELL, BUT I WAS WONDERING IF

YOU’D LIKE TO GO TO THE PROM
WITH ME.

LOVE TO.

YEAH, LIKE HE’D REALLY SAY
THAT.

I WOULD.

JUST DID.

YOU WANT ME TO GO TO THE PROM
WITH YOU?

WOULD YOU?

ONLY IF YOU WEAR THAT PIRATE
HAT.

( laughs )
I WAS KIDDING.

YEAH, I KNOW.

SO IS THAT A YES?

YES.

YES?

GOOD.

OH, COME ON, CHAD.

I KNOW YOU WANT TO GO TO THE
BOYZ II MEN CONCERT.

JUST-- JUST LET ME THINK
ABOUT IT.

( school bell rings )
ALL RIGHT.

THINK ABOUT IT.

KAREN!

KAREN, I-I CAN EXPLAIN.

COME ON, COME ON, YOUR WIFE’S
CALLING.

COME ON, GET OVER HERE.

YOU’LL GET EVEN TOMORROW,
ALL RIGHT?

BUT KAREN WON’T EVEN TALK TO
ME.

YEAH, I WOULDN’T EITHER IF
YOU WERE GOING OUT WITH NICOLE.

I’M NOT.

ALL I SAID WAS I WOULD THINK
ABOUT THE CONCERT.

YEAH, AND THEN YOU KISSED
HER.

SHE KISSED ME.

I DIDN’T KISS HER.

( scoffs ) WHATEVER.

PLEASE, JUST GIVE HER THIS
FOR ME.

HEY, LOUIS.

HEY, TERRY.

I WON, I WON, I WON.

IT’S BETTER THAN LOSING ALL THE
TIME.

I WON, I WON, I WON.

PLAYING A LITTLE POKER?

HEY, LOOK WHO’S HERE!

HOW YOU DOING?

HEY, GRACE, LOOK WHO’S HERE,
HUH?

HEY, MA!

WITH HER DRESS AND
EVERYTHING.

HIYA, BABY.

HI. ( laughs )
HEY, LOOK AT YOU.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

KAREN TOLD ME ABOUT THE HAIR,
BUT THAT SKIRT IS A LITTLE

SHORT.

OH, YEAH, WELL, THAT’S HOW
THEY WEAR THEM.

WHEN DID WE GET TABLES OUT
FRONT?

OH, MR. PORCELLA HAD A GARAGE
SALE.

ARE THOSE ARMY BOOTS?

NO.

WHAT’S WRONG?

NOTHING.

SO, TO WHAT DO WE OWE THE HONOR
OF THIS VISIT?

OH, CHAD WANTED ME TO GIVE
THIS TO KAREN, AND I’M GOING TO

THE PROM, SO I WAS WONDERING IF
MAYBE--

HEY, YOU’RE GOING TO THE
PROM?

YEAH.

WHAT, DON’T YOU BELIEVE ME?

SURE, OF COURSE I BELIEVE
YOU.

WITH WHO?

DAVID, KAREN’S BROTHER.

HE’S OLDER THAN YOU.

YEAH, I KNOW.

I LIKE HIM.

( chuckles )
HEAR THAT?

HE’S OLDER THAN HER.

SHE LIKES HIM.

I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THIS.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T
KNOW ABOUT THIS?

I’M GOING TO THE PROM WHETHER
YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, MA.

DON’T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE
THAT.

WELL, YOU’RE TALKING TO ME
LIKE THAT.

I ONLY CAME OVER HERE TO SEE IF
YOU MIGHT WANT TO SHOP FOR A

PROM DRESS WITH ME, BUT NOW
YOU DON’T EVEN WANT ME TO GO.

NO, TERRY, THAT IS NOT WHAT I
MEANT!

EVER SINCE DAD DIED, MOM, ALL
YOU DO IS WORK.

YOU SAY NO TO EVERYTHING ALL
THE TIME.

WELL, IF THAT’S WHAT YOU WANT,
FINE, SPEND THE REST OF YOUR

LIFE SLICING SALAMI AND NAGGING
POP ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT HE TOOK

HIS PILL.

I’M GOING TO THE PROM WITH
DAVID, MOM, AND YOU CAN’T STOP

ME!

( door closes )
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

THAT WAS TERRY GROWING UP.

NO, NO.

NO, NO, LEAVE IT ALONE.

PLAY THE ACE!

THE NAME OF THE GAME IS
SOLITAIRE, ALL RIGHT?

LEAVE IT ALONE.

HAVE SOME CAKE, AND THEN YOU
OPEN THE PRESENT FROM CHAD.

I AM NEVER OPENING HIS
PRESENT.

BUT I AM GOING TO EAT THAT
ENTIRE CAKE.

GOOD.

OH, LISTEN, I’VE GOT TO GET
READY TO GO.

GOT A HOT DATE, HUH?

NO, P.T.A.

PLAY THE ACE, POP.

PLAY THE ACE.

EVERYBODY PLAYS SOLITAIRE.

EVERYBODY PLAYS SOLITAIRE.

YOU KNOW, SHE NEVER GOES
ANYWHERE ANYMORE.

AND I KNOW WHY.

IT’S BECAUSE OF ME.

NO, IT’S NOT.

YEAH, DON’T TELL ME,
PRINCESS.

I’VE BEEN AROUND HERE A LITTLE
TOO LONG.

YOU KNOW, SHE’S STARTING TO
THINK OF ME AS THE MAN OF THE

HOUSE.

THAT’S,
NON STA BENE.

THAT’S NO GOOD.

WANT TO SEE WHAT I FOUND IN HER
MAIL?

YOU OPENED HER MAIL?

OOH.

SO I’M NOSEY.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO, ARREST
ME?

LOOK AT THAT.

LAUREL ESTATES.

THIS IS WHERE MY GRAN LIVES.

IT’S GREAT.

THEY HAVE MAMBO CLASS AND
EVERYTHING.

MAMBO CLASS AND EVERYTHING?

DO YOU THINK THESE PEOPLE CAN
STILL SHAKE IT TO TITO PUENTE?

( chuckles )
YOU’RE WORRIED THAT MRS.

VENESSI WANTS TO SEND YOU THERE.

PRINCESS, NOBODY SENDS ME
ANYWHERE.

I MAY BE LOSING A FEW OF MY TOP
NOTES, BUT I STILL KNOW THE

TEMPO.

YOU GOT TO KNOW WHEN TO BLOW,
AND ALWAYS LEAVE THEM WANTING

MORE, THAT’S MY MOTTO.

I LIKE THAT.

YOU LIKE THAT?

GIVE ME FIVE.

OKAY, YOU TWO, LISTEN, TELL
ME THE TRUTH.

HOW DO I LOOK?

MRS. VENESSI, YOU LOOK GREAT.

OKAY? ALL RIGHT.

MY GRACIE CLEANS UP GOOD
WHEN SHE WANTS TO, HUH?

I WON’T BE LONG, PAPA.

TAKE YOUR TIME.

WHAT, ARE YOU GOING TO RUSH
BACK? YOU’RE GOING TO COME BACK

TO LOOK AT ME PLAYING CARDS?

HAVE SOME FUN, FOR CRYING OUT
LOUD.

OKAY, PRINCESS.

THIS IS IT.

YOU PLAY POKER?

YEAH, I BEAT DAVID ALL THE
TIME.

YOU DO?

LET’S SEE IF YOU CAN BEAT ME.

THE NAME OF THE GAME IS SEVEN
CARD STUD, NOTHING WILD.

OKAY.

IF YOU WIN, YOU GET TO EAT
THE CAKE.

I WIN, YOU OPEN CHAD’S PRESENT,
RIGHT?

DEAL?

DEAL.

DEAL.

OKAY, POKER FACE, WHAT DO YOU
GOT?

THREE TENS.

OH...

READ ’EM AND WEEP.

ALL DIAMONDS.

( sighs )
OKAY, OPEN THE PRESENT.

OH, LOOK.

IT’S A LITTLE KING AND QUEEN
DANCING.

WHERE YOU GOING?

I NEVER EAVESDROP ON PRIVATE
PHONE CONVERSATIONS.

PUT CHAD OUT OF HIS MISERY,
OKAY?

THANK GOODNESS I WON ONE.

I LET YOU WIN.

I KNOW.

HI, CHAD?

YEAH, I LOVE IT.

OF COURSE I’LL GO.

ONLY TWO MORE DAYS.

HARD TO BELIEVE.

YEAH, IT’S KIND OF NICE
HAVING THE PROM AT THE END OF

IT, THOUGH.

NERVOUS ABOUT THE ELECTION?

NOT REALLY.

YOU KNOW WHAT’S WEIRD?

I DON’T CARE IF I'M PROM QUEEN
ANYMORE.

SO MUCH HAS GONE ON THIS MONTH.

YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.

YOUR KITCHEN’S PROBABLY BEEN
ABOUT 17 COLORS ALREADY.

GUESS WHAT?

YOUR MOM VOLUNTEERED TO BE
CHAPERONE.

YOU’RE KIDDING.

NO, YOU REALLY SHOOK HER UP
THE OTHER DAY, TERRY.

YOU KNOW, IT’S NOT EASY FOR HER
RUNNING THAT DELI AND WORRYING

ABOUT YOUR GRANDPA ALL THE TIME.

I KNOW.

BUT SHE JUST MAKES ME SO MAD.

YOU KNOW, IT’S LIKE SHE THINKS
I’M HER.

JUST BECAUSE SHE’S COLD, I'VE
GOT TO PUT ON A SWEATER, YOU

KNOW?

TERRY, SHE’S YOUR MOM.

SHE’S ALWAYS GOING TO TREAT YOU
LIKE A BABY.

AT LEAST SHE’S THERE FOR YOU.

KAREN, YOUR MOM DOES THE BEST
SHE CAN.

SHE’S JUST SO BUSY.

SHE’S SO BUSY BECAUSE SHE
WANTS TO BE.

I DON’T MIND THAT SHE WORKS.

WHAT GETS ME IS SHE’S NEVER
HOME.

YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY CAUGHT
TIFFANY CALLING EDNA "MOMMY"

ONCE.

TELL ME THAT DOESN’T SAY IT ALL.

WAS MY MOM REALLY UPSET?

I’LL BE RIGHT BACK.

( telephone rings )
HELLO, PAPA?

HI, SWEETHEART.

OH, I’M SORRY, TOO, BABY.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I’M NOT OKAY.

PAPA IS MISSING.

WELL, OF COURSE I LOOKED
UPSTAIRS.

HIS WHOLE ROOM IS CLEARED OUT,
TERRY, HIS CLOTHES, HIS

SUITCASE, HIS SAXOPHONE,
EVERYTHING.

WELL, HONEY, I THINK IT MEANS
THAT PAPA HAS RUN AWAY FROM

HOME.

WHY DON’T WE JUST GO OUT IN
MY CAR AND LOOK FOR YOUR

GRANDFATHER?

BECAUSE PAPA HAS BAND
BUDDIES ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

HE COULD BE ANYWHERE BY NOW.

THAT’S IT.

KNOW WHEN TO BLOW AND LEAVE
THEM WANTING MORE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS I THINK I KNOW WHERE
PAPA IS.

WELL, WHAT’S WITH THE BIG
MEETING?

TERRY’S GRANDFATHER RAN AWAY
FROM HOME.

COME ON, DAVID, DRIVE US OVER
TO MAMA LUNA’S.

I’LL DRIVE YOU.

YOU DON’T HAVE TO.

I WANT TO.

I’LL STAY HERE WITH TIFFY,
THEN.

BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK.

OKAY.

STAVROS?

MAYBE WE’LL JUST LEAVE IT WHITE.

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

( slow jazz music playing )
LOOK, TERRY.

SEE?

I TOLD YOU.

( applause )
HEY, YOU GUYS ARE NOT BAD.

NOT GOOD.

( laughter )
BUT WE’LL GET BETTER, OKAY?

GOT TO PRACTICE.

HEY, PAPA.

HEY, LOOK WHO’S HERE.

HOW YOU DOING?

YOU SOUNDED GREAT.

HELLO, HELLO.

HI!

HELLO, MR. TOGNETTI.

WHERE’D YOU ALL COME FROM?

WE’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.

PRINCESS, I’LL BET YOU'RE
THE ONE WHO TRACKED ME DOWN, EH?

WELL, I FIGURED YOU THOUGHT
THE TIME WAS RIGHT.

KNOW WHEN TO BLOW.

HEY, GIVE THIS LITTLE LADY A
BIG "A," EH?

OKAY, PAPA, COME ON.

LET’S GO, LET'S GO.

JUST A MINUTE.

COULD YOU EXCUSE US FOR A
SECOND?

OH, SURE.

YOU, TOO, TERRY, ALL RIGHT?

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

GRACE?

WHAT, PAPA?

I JUST CUT A GREAT DEAL WITH
THE MANAGEMENT.

I TAKE CARE OF THE BAND AND THEY
GIVE ME A BIG DISCOUNT.

OH, OKAY, NOW LOOK, DON’T KID
AROUND.

I KNOW YOU FOUND THE BROCHURE
BECAUSE KAREN TOLD ME.

I WASN’T GOING TO SEND YOU HERE.

YOU BELONG AT HOME WITH ME AND
TERRY.

GRACE, GRACE, SIT DOWN, SIT
DOWN.

ALL RIGHT.

GRACE, IT’S NOT YOUR DECISION
ANYMORE.

BUT, POP--
HEY, HEY, HEY, I KNOW YOU

MEAN WELL.

I ALSO KNOW IF YOU KEEP ME
PUTTERING AROUND THE STORE,

YOU’RE GOING TO USE IT AS AN
EXCUSE TO HOLE UP IN THE DELI.

WHY DO YOU WANT TO STAY HERE?

YOU HATE GOLF.

I ALSO HATE SWEEPING UP.

( chuckles )
HEY, LOOK, I’M A SAX MAN, I'M

NOT A JANITOR, AND THIS IS A
PERFECT SETUP.

I CAN PLAY HERE.

AND THE BAND NEEDS ME.

I HEARD.

AH...

( sighs )
OKAY.

BUT I’LL MISS YOU, POP.

AND TERRY WILL, TOO.

HEY, LOOK, I’LL BE OVER THE
STORE EVERY DAY.

YEAH?

OH, SURE.

GOT TO HAVE SOME PROSCIUTTO AND
SOME PEPPERS ’CAUSE THE FOOD

HERE IS WORSE THAN THE BAND.

( both laugh )
OKAY, BUT YOU DON’T LIKE IT,

YOU COME RIGHT HOME, YOU HEAR?

SURE.

OH, AND, POP...

I TOOK MY PILL.

LOVE YOU.

OKAY, FELLAS, LET’S TAKE IT
FROM THE TOP.

OH, BOY, THIS IS GOING TO BE
SOME JOB.

JACK?

YEAH, HONEY?

WELL, MY SPEECH STILL ISN’T
RIGHT.

HONEY, IF YOU WIN, JUST SAY,
"THANKS, EVERYBODY.

ENJOY THE FISH."

MOM, DO THESE FLAPS GO UNDER
OR OVER?

OH, UNDER.

OH, JACK.

I’LL GET IT.

I’M TALKING ABOUT THE CAMERA.

I’LL GET IT.

I TOLD GRACE THAT WE WOULD
TAPE TERRY.

GOOD LUCK TONIGHT.

OH, THANK YOU, HONEY.

SHE’S ALMOST READY.

WHERE ARE THE FLOWERS?

OH, ON THE PIANO.

OH, HONEY, WAIT-- OVER.

OH, I WISH I COULD BE WITH YOU
GUYS TONIGHT.

MOM, THE FLOWERS.

OH, EDNA, MY PURSE!

OH, EDNA.

READY?

READY AND WAITING.

HURRY OR SHE WON’T BE PERFECT
ANYMORE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

READY.

OKAY, TERRY!

WOW!

TALK ABOUT THE ROARING ’20s.

JACK.

TERRY’S NOT 20.

( laughs )
SHE LOOKS LIKE AN ANGEL, HUH?

OH, YES.

JUST LIKE AN ANGEL.

OH, NOW DON’T TOUCH IT.

YOU’LL RUIN IT.

KAREN, HOW COME I’M THE ONE
WHO’S ALL NERVOUS?

WHAT DO YOU THINK, PAPA?

I THINK SHE LOOKS LIKE A REAL
HOT DISH.

( laughs )
GRAZIE, PAPA.

THANKS.

THANKS FOR COMING OVER TO SEE US
TONIGHT.

I WAS AT YOUR FIRST PROM.

THIS ONE I’M GOING TO ENJOY.

( both laugh )
( horn honks )

OH, THAT’S CHAD.

HIS BROTHER’S DRIVING US TO THE
PROM.

HOLD IT, YOU STAY PUT.

NOW WATCH THIS, KAREN.

YOU’LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
MESS AROUND WITH A TOGNETTI.

HEY,
GAVONE!

CHAD, YOU’RE A PROM DATE, NOT A
CAB DRIVER!

I BROUGHT HER UP RIGHT, HUH?

NOW YOU COME UP HERE AND GET
HER LIKE A REAL MAN, OR SHE’S

NOT GOING!

I’M THINKING YOU BETTER GO.

I AM YOUR MOTHER UNTIL
TOMORROW, AND NO DAUGHTER OF

MINE GOES RUNNING WHEN SOME BOY
HONKS HIS HORN.

I
CAPICHE.

CAPICHE.

CAPICHE,
HEY, BRAVO, BRAVO,
CYENA.

OH, MAMMA MIA.

( laughter )
( on microphone ) SO THE

LAWYER TURNED TO THE CANNIBAL
AND SAID, "MY BROKER OR YOURS?"

( laughs )
YOU KNOW, THE LARCHMONT LADIES

LEAGUE HAD THE BEST YEAR EVER.

OUR SILENT AUCTION RAISED OVER
$20,000 IN GYM EQUIPMENT FOR THE

HOMELESS.

( applause )
THANKS TO THE EFFORTS OF OUR

INTREPID TREASURER, SANDY
SISSEL, WHO, BY THE WAY, IS

ENGAGED AGAIN TO A WONDERFUL
ARCHITECT SHE MET AT THE SOFT

SHELL CRAB FESTIVAL.

YAY, SANDY.

DON’T GIVE UP YOUR CREDIT CARDS.

( chuckles )
NOW FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DIDN’T

GO TO THE FESTIVAL, SANDY NOT
ONLY WAITRESSED...

THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.

WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE?

9:30, AND THEY HAVEN’T EVEN
SERVED THE SALAD YET.

LET’S GO.

BUT THEY’RE GOING TO ANNOUNCE
THE PRESIDENT ANY MINUTE.

I DON’T CARE.

I WANT TO SEE KAREN AT HER PROM.

JOHNNY, YOU’RE FANTASTIC.

( applause )
YOU’RE AN ANGEL.

YES, YOU ARE.

JACK?

JACK, WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH
OUR FEARLESS LEADER?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE NEXT
PRESIDENT OF THE LARCHMONT

LADIES LEAGUE, MILLIE RIDGEWAY.

CONGRATULATIONS, MILLIE.

GO AHEAD.

( up-tempo ragtime playing )
OH, TERRY, I WISH YOUR DADDY

COULD SEE YOU.

ME, TOO, MAMA.

MAY I HAVE A DANCE?

OF COURSE.

HERE YOU GO, MRS. VENESSI.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO, UH...

YES.

YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I WAS
GOING TO ASK YOU.

MY NEW POLICY IS TO SAY YES.

FROM NOW ON, I’M SAYING YES TO
EVERYTHING.

I COULD TAKE ADVANTAGE OF
THAT.

YES, YOU COULD.

LOOK WHAT I FOUND IN THE
GARBAGE.

WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE, LOUIS?

LOOKS LIKE PROM BALLOTS FOR
KING AND QUEEN.

LOOKS LIKE NICOLE’S STUFFING
THE BALLOT BOX.

WHAT?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

HERE, JUST HOLD ON TO THESE.

OKAY, EVERYBODY!

NOW IT’S TIME FOR THE AWARDS!

AND ALL OF THE TIME WHEN I
WAS GROWING UP ON WALNUT LANE, I

DREAMED OF A NIGHT LIKE THIS.

A NIGHT WHEN I WOULD...

A NIGHT WHEN I WOULD LOOK AT MY
WATCH AND SAY, "SORRY, EVERYONE,

I CAN’T STAY."

I’VE GOT A PROM TO CRASH.

SO THANKS, EVERYBODY, AND ENJOY
THE FISH.

( applause )
ALL RIGHT, NOW HERE’S AN

AWARD I KNOW YOU’RE ALL GOING TO
LIKE.

THIS YEAR’S SCIENCE AWARD GOES
TO THE BRAINIEST GIRL IN SCHOOL,

TERRY VENESSI!

( cheers and applause )
TERRY! HEY!

OH, THANK YOU.

WHAT DID THEY DO TO HER
RIBBON?

GRACE, WHAT’S GOING ON?

THEY’RE MAKING FUN OF TERRY.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

LET HER HANDLE IT.

( crowd murmuring )
DELI GIRL.

( chuckles )
THANKS, NICOLE.

I’LL CHERISH THIS FOREVER
BECAUSE I KNOW IT COMES RIGHT

FROM YOUR HEART, WHEREVER IT IS.

( laughter )
NOW LET’S GET TO THE AWARD

EVERYONE’S BEEN WAITING FOR,
PROM KING AND PROM QUEEN.

YES, FOR OUR MOST IMPORTANT
AWARD, PROM KING GOES TO...

CHAD ELKINS.

( cheers and applause )
AND PROM QUEEN GOES TO...

ME.

( crowd murmuring )
WAIT A MINUTE!

DOES THIS SEEM RIGHT TO YOU?

NO!

HOW MANY PEOPLE VOTED FOR
NICOLE?

HOW MANY PEOPLE VOTED FOR KAREN
RIDGEWAY?

( cheers and applause )
WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND.

I KNOW SOME OF YOU VOTED FOR ME,
DIDN’T YOU?

BLAIR?

MAYBE YOU’D LIKE TO DO A
RECOUNT, NICOLE.

MISS ANDERSON?

MISS ANDERSON, MAY I SEE YOU
FOR A MOMENT?

NOW.

( crowd murmuring )
( cheers and applause )

( music continues )
EXCUSE ME, CHAD.

HEY, KAREN, DIDN’T YOU SAY THAT
CROWN DIDN’T MATTER TO YOU?

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU’RE RIGHT.

HERE, YOU CAN HAVE IT.

BUT IF ANYBODY’S GOING TO BE
DELI GIRL, IT’S GOING TO BE ME.

GOT TO BE YOU.

DEFINITELY.

( laughs )
DOWN, GIRL.

OVER HERE, GIRLS!

GIVE ME A SMILE!

PERFECT!

( no audible dialog )