The Golden Calf (1968) - full transcript

Ilya Ilf and Eugene Petrov

THE LITTLE GOLDEN CALF

It was long ago...

Very long ago...

Very...

No, this is not Rio de Janeiro.

This is much worse.

Look up and down
before you cross the street

CHARACTERS

1. "ANTELOPIANS" :

Ostap BENDER
the great schemer
and commander of the "Antelopians"



His aids and associates:

Shura BALAGANOV,

Mikhail PANIKOVSKY,

Adam KOZLEVICH.

2. "HERCULEANS" :

Alexander KOREIKO
the millionaire clerk

Comrade POLYKHAEV
the democratic and public-spirited chief

BERLAGA
a bookkeeper

Yegor SKUMBRIEVICH

3. UNORGANIZED MINORITIES:

SINITSKY
a puzzle-maker

Zosya SINITSKAYA
his grand-daughter

PLACE: U.S.S.R.
TIME: 1930s.

Out of pants.



Poor Yorick!

Citizen! It is forbidden to touch anything here!

- By the way, what's the name of this city?
- Why? It is Arbatov.

Arbatov! Now I see.

No, This is not Rio de Janeiro.

Whom do you want, comrade?
What's your business?

Private.

Hello!

Hi!

Hi, don't you recognize me?

No, I don't.

And yet many people think that I am
remarkably like my farther.

I also resemble my farther.
What do you want, comrade?

The whole point is in the father.

I am the son of Lieutenant Schmidt.

Don't you remember?
Ochakov.

Yes, yes. Very glad you dropped in,
comrade Schmidt!

We get lost in work.
We forget the milestones of history.

- I suppose you're from Moscow?
- Yes, passing through.

Our churches are remarkable.
Government intends to restore them.

Tell me, and do you yourself remember
the rebellion on the battleship 'Ochakov'?

Dimly.

In those heroic times I was
extremely small. I was an infant.

- Excuse me, but what is your name?
- Nicholas... Nicholas Schmidt

And... your patronymic?
Ach, sorry.

Nowadays many people don't know
the names of heroes of revolution.

The pernicious NEP!

The old enthusiasm is lacking.

I came to your city quite by accident,..

...got into difficulties on the way,
lost all my money.

Don't worry, comrade Schmidt.

You did very well not to have gone
to a private trader.

I need only 50 rubles.

We are limited by the narrow frames
of the local budget...

That's all I can give.

Who's in charge here?

Everyone's waiting.
And he also should.

Everyone's waiting.
And he also should.

Come in, comrade.

Calm down, comrades!
This is comrade Schmidt.

Son of the hero of the revolution,
Lieutenant Schmidt.

But the comrade sitting there,..

...is the son of the great, unforgettable hero
Comrade Schmidt - Nicholas Schmidt.

It happens.

It doesn't look good...

Vasya!

Vasia! Don't you recognize me?

Shut up! Don't you recognize your brother Nick?

Of course I recognize my brother Nick!

Nick! I recognize him.

You're so grown up!
What a remarkable meeting!

Ochakov! Ochakov!

When did you come from Mariupol?
Where did you live there - at grandmother's?

Yes, I lived there - at her.

Why did you write me so rarely?
I was frightfully worried.

- I was busy. And why didn't you write?
- What do you mean I didn't write?

I sent you registered letters.

I have piles of receipts.

By the way, speaking of childhood.

When I was a child I used to kill guys like you
right on the spot. With a sling.

- Why? - Such are the implacable laws of life.
Life dictates to us its implacable laws.

What made you come to the private office?
Didn't you see that the chairman was not alone?

- I thought...
- Oh, so you thought! Are you a thinker?

What is your name, Thinker?

Jean Jacques Rousseau?
Marcus Aurelius? Spinoza?

Well, I forgive you. You may live.
And now let's get acquainted.

We're brothers, and kinship has its obligations.
My name is Ostap Bender.

- Permit me to learn your original surname.
- Balaganov, Shura Balaganov.

I'm not asking about your profession,
but I can guess.

I'm sure it must be something intellectual.

- Have you been tried many times this year?
- Twice. - Now that's bad.

No man should come to trial.
That's an ugly occupation. I'm referring to theft.

I'm sure your mother made you familiar
with such a doctrine.

It is moreover an aimless waste
of strength and energy.

Look, do you see that man in a straw hat?

I see. What of it?
Is he the governor of Borneo?

- That is Panikovsky, a son of Lieutenant Schmidt.
- What! Another son?

This is getting funny.

Lieutenant Schmidt had three sons.
Two were wise, but the third was a fool.

- He must be warned.
- Don't bother.

Have you ever seen a bull fight in Spain?

Come, let's watch.

- General retreat.
- Hurry up, Bender.

Hats off! Bare your head.
Presently the body will be carried out.

The body of the deceased
was carried out on the hands of kinsmen and friends.

O, my God! First came out the widow.

After a short civil ceremony...

...the body of the deceased...

...was interred!

What a sod! There were 69 of us,
children of Lieutenant Schmidt.

We divided the whole country into districts,
fair and square!

He got Mordovia.
It was an equal share, Bender!

He's trespassing my district for a long time,
but I could not catch him so far.

So then Balaganov, you are a fop.

Yes, a fop. Don't be offended.
I merely want to indicate the place...

...that you occupy under the sun.

- Go to the devil!
- So you have taken offense after all.

- Are you member?
- Member.

I'm a member of the Trade Union of Proletarians
of Intellectual Labor. He is with me.

But you yourself are a son of Lieutenant Schmidt!

You are a fop. And the son of a fop.
And your children will be fops.

Don't be a child! What occurred
is not even an episode but just a mere incident.

A gentlemen in search of a ten-spot.

And what sort of a profession it is.
A son of Lieutenant Schmidt!

I'll grant you one year, All right two!

Then your auburn locks will be noticed
and you'll be beaten every time.

What am I to do then?
How am I to find my daily bread?

You must think.
I, for example, am fed by ideas.

Hey, let's ride!
The taxi is free! Please take a seat!

Fare is reduced by 10-12%
Don't want? OK, then. You will be sorry!

Bear in mind that for every vitamin you receive
I shall demand of you a number of minor services.

I see that you are in love with money
for its own sake.

Tell me, what sum would appeal to you?

- Five thousand.
- A month?

A year.

In that case, our ways part right here.

I need 500 thousand, and, if possible,
immediately and not in installments.

Wouldn't you take it in installments?

I shouldn't mind taking it in installments,..

...but I need it all immediately.

Why do you need so much money?

As a matter of fact, I need more.
500 thousand is my minimum.

I want to go away, Comrade Shura,..

...very far away,..

...to Rio de Janeiro.

Have you relatives there?

Why? Do I look like a man
who could have relatives?

I have no kinsmen,
I'm all alone in the world.

I had a father once who was a Turkish subject,
but even he passed on in horrible convulsions.

Ever since I was a child
I've wanted to go to Rio de Janeiro.

I see.

You, of course, are not aware
that such a city exists.

This is a clipping from Soviet Encyclopedia.

See what it says here about Rio de Janeiro.

Population 1 360 000
...at the large bay in the Ocean...

...in the wealth of stores
and the grandeur of buildings...

...its main streets rival
those of the largest cities of the world.

Can you imagine that, Shura?
Rival!

Mulattoes, millionaires, export coffee!

A Charleston entitled 'My Girl Has A Little Thing'...

But what's the use of talking?

One and a half million people,
and all of them to a man in white trousers.

- But where will you get 500 thousand?

Wherever you like.

Show me a rich man
and I'll take his money away from him.

What!

Murder?

Do you know, Shura,
You are becoming sillier before my very eyes.

Note this: Ostap Bender never killed anyone.

He has been killed. That happened.
But he himself is pure before the law.

I'm no cherub, of course.
I have no wings.

But I respect the Criminal Code.
This is my weakness.

But how do you propose
to take the money away?

That's not the point.

I personally have 400 comparatively
honest means of expropriation.

The point is that nowadays rich people
are difficult to find.

And yet they exist!

As long as any type of coinage
wanders over the country...

...then there must be people
who have a lot of it.

There are very wealthy people.

But do you know them?

Can you give me the name and address
of one undercover millionaire?

Even the Commissariat of Finance
with its all-powerful taxing apparatus...

...cannot find a Soviet millionaire.

And yet the millionaire may be sitting
at the adjoining table, drinking cheap beer.

That is what hurts!

I know such a millionaire.

Word of honor, Monsieur Bender...

Go on, go on.

I apply only on Saturdays.
Don't waste my time.

Listen, Shura, if you have definitely decided
to use the French language, then...

...don't call me monsieur but citoyen,
which means 'citizen'.

By the way, what is your millionaire's address?

He lives in Chernomorsk.

Why, of course, just as I thought.
Chernomorsk!

There even in pre-revolution days they...

...called a man with 10 thousand a millionaire.
While now... I can Imagine!

No, that's nonsense!

But no, let me tell you.

This is a genuine millionaire.

Not long ago...

I had the occasion to spend some time
in the house of correction over there...

What did you say was the name
of your underground millionaire?

- Koreiko.
- A splendid name.

Have I any gray hair?

- No, sir! - There will be!
Great battles are ahead of us.

You, too, will become gray, Balaganov!

Why? How did you put it --...

...he'll bring it himself
on a little saucer with a blue border?

For me on a little saucer.
For you on a little plate.

But how about Rio de Janeiro?
I want to have white pants too.

Rio de Janeiro is the delicate dream
of my childhood.

Don't you touch it with your dirty paws.

Now, back to bosoms,
as Guy de Maupassant used to say!

The troops must arrive in Chernomorsk.

Service uniforms.

Bugle 'advance'!

I will command the parade!

"We're born to build reality from fair tale,
to vanquish sky and conquer space beyond..."

You're listening to 'Comintern Radio'
broadcasting from Moscow.

Here is the latest news

An airplane 'Wings of the Soviets'
completed round-trip flight...

...Moscow-Berlin-Paris-Rome-
-London-Berlin-Warsaw-Moscow...

...'College of Northern Peoples' is reorganized
to become 'University of Peoples of the North' ...

...the first in the world...

Twins of domestic leather haberdashery!

...the first all-union convention
of young pioneers opened in Moscow...

...French Prime-minister Poincare has resigned...

An original construction.
The dawn of motoring.

Hi, how are you!

Do you see, what can be made
out of a simple Singer Sewing Machine?

A slight adaptation -- and you would have
an excellent bailing machine for a collective farm.

Go away!

What do you mean 'Go away'?

Why then did you brand your threshing machine
with the invitation , 'Hey, let's ride!'?

My friend and I desire to make a business journey.
Precisely to 'Hey, let's ride!'

- Citizen-gentleman, please!
- No. - You'll be sorry!

You cannot go far in this carriage of the past.

If you please. Where may I take you?

This time, nowhere. There is no money.

Can't do anything about it. Sheer poverty.

Never mind, get in!
I'll take you for nothing.

Why such sacrifices?

Promise only not to drink vodka,
not to dance naked by the moonlight.

What makes you think that
we are capable of dancing in the nude?

- Get in! Hey, let's ride!
- Let's accept this hospitality.

- Where?
- To Chernomorsk.

Where?!

Merely 1000 km southward.
There we have a small intimate business.

In Chernomorsk antiques are appreciated
and people are pleased to ride in them.

While in Arbatov you have nothing to lose
but your spare chains.

You'll not go hungry on the road;
this is my responsibility.

In a word - the gasoline is yours,
the ideas are ours.

Participants of the auto race have been greeted
by sounds of orchestra at Arbatov market square.

What auto race?
Won't they chase after us?

You should read newspapers, Shura.

Sometimes they reveal that
which is wise, good, eternal...

We are located in the line of auto race
Moscow-Kharkov-Moscow.

For a period of time we'll be
the front machine of the race. Get it?

That's Panikovsky running! Panikovsky!

- Stop! Stop!
- Ah, viper!

- Save me! - God will help you.
- Shall we take the viper?

Don't. He'll know better next time
than to violate a pact.

Take me! I'll be good!
I'll never do it again!

- Drop that bird! - I can't do it!
- Drop, I say!

- Adam! What do you call your wagon?
- Lauren-Dietrich.

That's a hell of a rotten name!

An automobile, like a battleship,
must have its own name.

Your Lauren-Dietrich is distinguished
by remarkable speed...

...and a noble beauty of line.

Therefore I propose that we give
to the machine the name Antelope-Gnu.

Any objections? Unanimous!
Full speed ahead, then!

The session continues.
Destination - Chernomorsk

- Greetings!
- How are you!

Comrade Koreiko, how much is 836 by 423?

353,628

Phenomenon!

Another man in his place
would make himself a career,

but he is just an idiot.

He'll sit here the rest of his life
on his forty-six rubles.

A church with a village to the starboard, sir!
Drop anchor, sir?

For 5 minutes. Behind us are first-class machines.
Meeting them does not enter into our plans.

- How about the gasoline?
- It should last till Udoev.

- Shall we respond to greetings?
- Reply with bows and smiles.

I forbid you to open your mouths.
No marauding, no violations of the law.

The Udoyevites themselves
will give us everything we need.

The sweet burden of fame...

Greetings to participants of the auto race!

- Out of gasoline.
- We'll fill it up right now.

Our agenda includes rally,
then lunch, then concert of local talents...

Could we switch it?
Lunch first, then rally.

People arrived already.
Hard to keep them waiting.

Let's cancel lunch, then.

We'll take the lunch packed.
Give it to these comrades.

Also, give them a barrel of aviation gasoline.

The rally has to be very short.
Save you speeches for other machines.

- How are the other machines?
- Lagging behind. Punctures, breakdowns,..

...the enthusiasm of the population --
-- all these things cause delay.

Are you in the commander's car?
Is Kleptunov with you?

I took Kleptunov out of the race.

And Professor Pessochnikov --
is he in the Packard?

And the woman writer -- Vera Cruz?
I'd like to have a look at her.

- And Nezhinsky. Is he also with you?
- You know, I'm rather tired from the race.

- Are you in the Studebaker?
- You may consider our car a Studebaker,..

...but until now it has been called
a Lauren-Dietrich.

But there are no Lauren-Dietrichs in the race.

I read about two Packards, two Fiats
and one Studebaker.

Go to devil's mother with your Studebaker!

Who is this Studebaker?
Is Studebaker related to you?

Is Stidebaker your father?

Why do you annoy a fellow like this?
I tell him in plain Russian...

...that at the last moment a Lauren-Dietrich
was substituted for the Studebaker,..

...and still he bothers me!

Experts! Such experts should be shot!
He will have a Studebaker.

I rejoice in the opportunity...

...to violate the patriarchal peace
of the city of Udoyev...

...with an automobile siren.

The automobile, comrades, is not a luxury
but a means of conveyance.

The automobile is vehicle of internal combustion!

The automobile is also vehicle of the culture!

We must work for the uninterrupted production
of Soviet automobiles.

The iron steed comes to take the place
of the puny peasant horse!

Use automobile, comrades. Everybody!

Let's race against aimlessness, slovenliness...

...and bureaucracy!

After a bite to eat
we shall continue our long journey.

Purchase auto club lottery tickets!
Join auto club!

Improve the roads!
Merci for the reception!

City of Gryazhsk

Welcome!

Hip, hip, hurrah!

The iron horse!..

Thanks!..

City of Novozaytsev

Brave motorists!

Hurrah!

Join auto club!

Thanks!

City of B.Pogost

Welcome!

Hurrah!

Thanks!

City of Luchansk

Comrades! I believe in automotive future
of Luchansk. It's gonna be beautiful!

In a short while ...

...one of every three--
no, one of every two inhabitants of Luchansk...

...become a motorist.

Straight like an arrow
highway will unite Luchansk and Udoev.

I recall an old French joke...

Remove the photographer!

Comrades, I'll respond to your questions later.

A Frenchman returns home from a business trip
and quite unexpectedly...

...finds his young wife...
[...take the car into custody...]

Join auto club, comrades!
Thanks for reception!

These are crooks! At them, boys!

Stop! When I catch up with you
I'll fire all of you!

Stop! Can't you see that we've lost our chief?

Mommy!

Faster, Adam!

Full speed ahead!

Help!

I'm coming, greybeard. I'm coming.

"She is coming"! Did you hear it, Alexander
Ivanovich, "she is coming"!

A man is late and "she is coming".

Here is the main course and then I have to run.

They are awaiting me in "The Youth News".

This puzzle is tough to solve.
Could be a real challenge for you.

What the hell is "sation"?

A challenge, indeed... Especially the goat.
What could be the meaning of the goat?

How are you, Alexander Ivanovich!
Please, excuse me.

What about the "industrialization"?
Any progress?

Thanks God, I have the beginning!

"Hindus"..."three"..."Ali"... Still struggling
with the "sation", damn it!

Do not serve extra plates, Zosya
Viktorovna. There's nobody but me.

- Beginning today I'm your only patron.
- Really! Why?

Bomze is on vacation
and Podvysotsky was fired...

...so that from worry
he had lost his appetite.

I hope it's not for long, isn't it?

I forgot to tell you, Zosya - things are not good.

- Your scholarship is our only hope.
- C'mon, greybeard. We'll survive somehow.

I'm rushing to "The Youth News".
May be I can earn something there.

Oh! My puzzle.

Yes, that's the way it goes,
Zosya Viktorovna.

Have you heard the news?
They rescued pilot Sevriugov.

He is a native of Chernomorsk, they say.

That's how I live -- in loneliness --
without knowing pleasures.

What's that? Not knowing what?

Without knowing a woman's attachment.

I'd like to tell you...

Just to show how it happens in life...

There is a man whom I know, an old man...

Not exactly old but no longer young...

And not exactly no longer young, but...

...simply time flies, the years pass.

And all this, in his words,
inspires him with certain thoughts.

About matrimony, for instance.

He is an utterly harmless man.

He could even be loved.

He is not a fop like others,..

...and he doesn't like
to cast his words to the wind.

Honestly and sincerely...

Why shouldn't some girl marry him?

Do you really think that pilot Sevriugov
was born in Chernomorsk?

Time really does go horribly fast.

Not so long ago I was 19,..

...but now I'm already 20...

...and in another year I'll be 21...

What a coincidence! A friend just told me
that one man proposed to her.

She said that he was a good
and very kind man.

But precisely at this time,
she is seeking something --

-- what, she does not yet know herself.

Generally speaking, for the present
she cannot marry this man.

Besides, what sort of life
would they have together?

She is a seeker,..

...while he, if one is to speak honestly,
has only 46 rubles a month. And his age...

Am I right?

All in all, she does not love him yet.
This is also important, isn't it?

- We'll still be friends, won't we?
- It would be better if you would marry me.

They're holding up the pay.
We get our pay very irregularly.

We even complained to the trade union.

I want to go to a cinema.
Could we, Alexander Ivanovich?

- I didn't know that you smoke?
- No, I quit. Going to quit...

Zosya!

I have two passes to a cinema.
Decide immediately.

I'll go, OK?

Gimme million, gimme million!

What? What's the matter.

Let him gimme million.
He has many millions.

Gimme million, just one million!

Go away!

- One, just one million!
- Get lost!

- Gimme million and I'll go away.
- Get lost, I said!

You have many tiny millions!
Gimme one tiny million!

Ha has many millions and I have none.
I beg him for one million.

I follow him for half an hour already.
I need one million!

Comrade Koreiko!

[LOAD ORANGES BARRELS BROTHERS KARAMAZOV]

Could you help us, how much is 47 306 by 251?

No, I don't know. May be... initially...

What happened. You don't feel well?

No, it's simply... I'll be fine, fine.

I'll personally hand this to comrade Koreiko.
You have a registered mail package.

You have wonderful relatives.
Telegrams, packages - every day!

A postman brought this
shortly after you left for work.

"Capitalist Sharks"
Biographies of American Millionaires

Most important of all is to create confusion
in the camp of the enemy.

He must lose all peace of mind.

In the final analysis, it is the incomprehensible
that people fear most.

I am convinced that my last telegram,
'twins in thought'...

...produced a disastrous impression
on our colleague.

The defendant must be educated to the idea
that he must surrender the money.

He must be morally disarmed.

His reactionary instinct for private property
must be suppressed.

Assistant Panikovsky!

You were told to meet the defendant to-day...

...and again ask him for a million,
accompanying this request with idiotic laughter.

- As soon as he saw me, he crossed the street.
- Good. All is going well.

The defendant is becoming nervous
and should not be calmed down right now.

He is now passing from stupid perplexity
to unreasoning fear.

- Don't make a cult from eating!
- I have ulcer.

He jumps up in the middle of the night
and pathetically calls for his Mammy.

Just a little more, the final brush-stroke,
and he will be completely ripe.

He will creep tearfully to the sideboard...

...and take out a little plate with a blue what?

-Border.

Enough gaiety!

The little plate of money is still
in the hands of Koreiko,..

...if it exists at all -- this magic little plate!

It exists, Commander!

We may consider the preparatory work finished.
Now we begin the active struggle.

Presently we shall go and touch an udder
of citizen Koreiko.

The udder will be touched by you, Shura
and Michael Samuelievich.

Great blind man

Kefir is very good for the heart.

Believe me, Shura. Mere theft.

Mere robbery.

- Mere theft.
- Mere robbery.

- You are a pathetic nonentity.
- And you're a cripple. Right now I'm the chief.

- Who's the chief?
- I'm the chief. I'm responsible.

You?

Yes, I.

You?

And who else could it be?
Don't you think it could be you?

- And who do you think you are?
- And who do you think you are?

Did you see it? Everybody saw it!
You all are witnesses to what will happen now.

Citizen, this is a dairy cafeteria,
not a night bar.

What will I do to him! You'll see a sea of blood!
There's gonna be a murder!

- Now watch what I...
- Calm down, calm down.

Sit down! Watch your manners, Shura?
Hands off! What's the matter with you.

You convinced me. You are the chief,
I'm the deputy. Deal.

- Why not rob him? Is it so difficult?
- Well... go on.

Koreiko walks in the street at night...

I come up on his left hand,
you come up on the right.

It's dark, very dark!

I push him from the left,
you push him from the right.

The fool stops and says: "Bully!" to me.

"Who's a bully?" I ask.
You also ask "Who's a bully?"

Here I swing at his jaw...

No, we can't beat him!

That's just the point --
-- we can't beat him.

Bender doesn't permit it.

I know it... Bender, Bender!

OK, go to Kiev and that's it.

Why?

Go to Kiev...

...and that's it.

What do you mean -- Kiev?

Go to Kiev and ask what Panikovsky was
before the Revolution.

I insist upon your asking...

...and they will tell you that before the Revolution
Panikovsky was a blind man, Shura.

If it were not for the Revolution,...

...would I ever descend
to being the child of Lieutenant Schmidt?

Why, I was a wealthy man!
I had a house, a family,..

...nickel-plated samovar on my table.

- And how did I make my living, you'll ask?
- How?

Blue glasses and a little stick -
- just like this one!

Why did you quit this business?

The Revolution!

Prior to it I used to pay the policeman
5 rubles a month..

...and no one touched me.

The policeman even saw to it
that no one insulted me.

He was a fine man!
His name was Nebaba.

Such a crystal soul.

I met him the other day.
He is a music critic now.

But nowadays
a decent connections with the police...

The police! I know them better then you.
I was homeless! Oh, how I know them.

I hate them!

Oh, how I hate them.

And so in my old age,
I had to become an impostor.

Take my hand, Shura. Take it!

For this special business...
be it for you, Shura

I could resort to my old glasses and stick...

...and you'll see for yourself
that theft is much safer then robbery.

- Where is a men's room?
- Over there.

Mere theft... mere theft.

Yield to this poor blind man!

I'm sorry thousand times!

I'm sorry thousand times!

I'm sorry thousand times!
I need to cross to the other side.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

- Idiot! Can't you see the auto-bus!
- He is not a blind man! You dirty pickpocket!

Panikovsky's being beaten!
I said Panikovsky's being beaten!

Already?

Rather soon.

Panikovsky's being beaten!

Near "Hercules"! Around the corner!

Why do you bellow
like a white bear in hot weather?

How long have they been beating him?

- About five minutes.
- Why didn't you say so in the first place!

There's a silly old man for you!

Let's have a look.
You can tell me the rest on the way.

Pardon... another pardon.

Didn't you lose a permit for jam
there on the corner?

Run along quickly.
It's still lying there.

Madam, your child is crying in the bus.
Let the expert through, man.

Let me through, disfranchised kulak!
Give me more space.

This one?

Calm down, comrades. I shall ask the witnesses
to indicate their names and addresses.

Where are the witnesses?
Are you a witness?

Display your apprehension.
Perform your civic duty.

Where are witnesses, after all?

There is no place for hooligans in our city.
We must fight hooliganism.

Are you a witness? Give me your phone.
Move on, then.

- Who's a witness? You?
- Me...

Come with me...
Foolish old man! You crazy fool!

Another great blind man has been discovered!

Homer, Milton and Panikovsky!
The three cool blind men!

And as for Balaganov!

Like a sailor from a wrecked ship!
"Panikovsky's being beaten!"

- While he himself... Hell, I'm likely to fire you!
- I wanted... I was going to rob him and that's it.

You are a pathetic nonentity.
He is the one to blame.

Don't you dare to touch me!
I have depletion of the nervous system.

You're a fine pair of bunglers!
I'm done with you.

No, Ostap Ibrahimovich! You'll see!
This will be a robbery in the street.

Under the cover of nocturnal darkness.

My honest and most honorable word.
Shura and I... It's a done deal.

Over my dead body!

Under the cover of nocturnal darkness.

- How warm it is! Don't you swim at night?
- No.

Well then, will you wait for me here?
I'll take a dip and be right back.

May I have a light?

I don't smoke.

Is that so? Can you tell me what time it is?

About twelve.

- Hands up!
- What?

I said "hands up".
What part of it you didn't understand?

Why are you beating me?
I merely asked you what time it was!

I'll show you what time it is.

Kick him! Kick him!

I dropped it accidentally. It's nothing.

What a wonderful night!

- Who do you think you are?
- No, who do you think you are?

I think I disturbed you. It seems to me
you were busy on the floor.

Oh, it was money you were dividing?

Pray, continue -- it's interesting.

I shall watch.

I wanted it done honestly and fairly.
In equal parts -- 2.5 thousand apiece.

You, Ostap Ibrahimovich,..

...him,..

...Kozlevich...

...and me.

10 thousand? Good. Mr.Koreiko's salary
for 20 years of faultless service.

Now let Panikovsky divide.

He seems to have his own opinion
on the subject.

I do have my own opinion.

As if I've never divided the money.
As if I've never divided mere 10 thousand.

As if this is real money, just 10 thousand.

To me. To Ostap Ibrahimovich.
To me. To...

I'm leaving. Right now.
To Kiev. By express train.

To me. To him. To me.
To Ostap Ibrahimovich. To me.

So?

You and I get 4 thousand apiece.

And Balaganov two.
He hasn't earned even those two!

But Kozlevich?

Why give anything to Kozlevich?
That's robbery!

Who is this Kozlevich that
we should divide with him?

We don't know any Kozlevich!

Have you finished? - Yes.

What has Kozlevich-Shmazlevich to do with it?

And now I shall show you
how it should be done.

- Honestly and fairly?
- Fairly.

Stop joking, Bender!

Let's divide it fairly.

I have no desire to jest with you
at this late hour.

What did we work for then?
That's not right. Explain yourself.

We tried -- me and Michael Samuelievich.

To you, seeing that you are the favorite son
of the lieutenant, I can repeat only...

...that we didn't come here for 10 thousand.
Of thousands, I alone need at least 500.

Why did you send us then?

- The point is, Shura...

Who do you think you are?

...that I'm not a bandit.
I respect the criminal code.

I'm a high-principled fighter for currency.

This was merely a test.

Consider: a clerk with a salary of 46 rubles
has 10 thousand rubles in his pockets.

This presents us with great opportunities.

Tomorrow I shall return the 10 thousand
to Koreiko and he will take it.

And precisely here will come his downfall.
I shall take him with my bare hands.

Being a wise man, he'll understand
that a part is less then the whole,..

...and for fear of losing all
he will give me that... part.

And at this point, Shura, there will appear
a certain little plate with a certain little... what?

Border... You're right!

- Why are you crying?
- Give me back my money! I'm so poor!

I haven't had a bath for a year!
And I'm old.

Girls don't like me.

I refer you to the Universal League of Sexual Reform.

Perhaps there they will help you.

- Nobody loves me!
- How could anybody love you?

Girls don't love the like of you.

They love young, long-legged,
politically literate ones.

When you die no one will write
about you in the newspapers:

"Another comrade has killed himself with work."

Or ''Death tore comrade N away from our rangs"

And no beautiful widow with Persian eyes
will sit on your grave.

And no weeping children will ask,
" Papa, papa, do you hear us?"

Don't talk like that! I'll outlive all of you!
You don't know Panikovsky!

Panikovsky will yet sell and buy you all!
And then sell again -- but at a higher price.

You had better tell me
whether you want to go on working or not.

I'm asking you for the last time.

I want to.

Citizen Koreiko?

Yes.

Alexander Ivanovich?

Quite so.

Please, be seated.

- I've come to you on an errand.
- If you please.

- We want to please you
- I am curious to know how.

I don't smoke.

Exactly 10 thousand. Count'em if you want.

- Will you please signed a receipt for it?

You are mistaken, comrade.
What 10 thousand? What receipt?

You were robbed yesterday evening,
weren't you?

No one robbed me.

Yesterday evening by the sea!
And they took 10 thousand.

The robbers were arrested!
One is an old man. Signed the receipt!

So help me God, nobody robbed me.
Evidently this is a mistake.

Sorry, I'm have to go to work now.

What do you mean, work! What work.
Do not obstruct justice!

The case is solved. You'll get the money.
We'll get the receipt.

What do you think?
Where would I get so much money?

Quite right.
Where could you get such a lot of money?

Exactly.

- So you have no complaints to make? - No.
- And you're not suffering from indigestion?

Not in the least. I'm a very healthy man.

- And you are not tormented by nightmares?
- No, not at all!

So long, then.

Don't forget your police cap.

I could only beg you not to eat too many pickles
or you might get the hiccups!

You're an interesting man, Alexander Ivanovich.
You have no complaints to make...

Remarkable! Such luck -- and still at liberty!

Well?

The plate?

You'll ruin you health with so much liquid.
It's like a suicide.

I get it!

What's inside if it's not a secret?

My little pigeons! Everything is inside this:

Palms, girls, Blue Expresses,
the azure sea, a white steamship,..

...a scarcely worn dinner jacket, a Japanese valet,..

...platinum teeth, socks without holes,
private billiard table...

...and, what is more important, the power,
respect and fame emanating...

...from money.

Stop your cruel jokes!

Back to business, boys.
The main point is clear.

The defendant does have money.
Enormous money.

This is a private investigation of citizen Koreiko.
That's why...

..."we need legal status, legal status and, once again,
legal status" [quote from V.Lenin]

At any rate, we must become a part of
the vivid mass of office employees.

What office employees? What vivid mass?
When do we start dividing our money?!

Comrades, let's sit down.

- When else, Ostap Ibrahimovich?
- Never, my poor friends.

The money will be deposited to the bank account
of our future establishment. Get it?

- That's it, Shura.
- Cheer up, Michael Samuelievich.

- This is the end.
- This is the end of part one -- you, pupil...

...of part one, only!

Gentlemen of the jury!
The session continues.

Ilya Ilf and Eugene Petrov
THE LITTLE GOLDEN CALF

Part Two
TWO SCHEMERS

Office for the Collection of
HORNS and HOOFS

Closed for Lunch

Closed! The collection of hoofs
has been stopped temporarily.

I also have a right
for the lunch break.

My name is Funt!

And do you suppose that is sufficient to justify
your breaking in to the office?

Here, you're laughing,
but my name is -- Funt.

I am 90 years old.

You have an office.

Yes, yes. An office. Go on, go on!

Old guy, indeed.

Well, what do you want?

Do you see these trousers?
These are Passover trousers.

There was a time when I put them on
only for Passover.

Now I wear them every day.

- Don't you need a chairman?
- What chairman?

An official one -- in a word,
the chief of the establishment.

I'm the chief myself.

In other words, you expect to do time yourself?

Why didn't you say so in the first place?
Why then did you take up 2 hours of my time?

I'm Funt! All my life I've done time for others!
Such is my profession -- to suffer for others!

- Oh, so you are a professional figure-head!
- Yes, I am Substitute-chairman Funt!

I've done time at the time of Alexander II,
the Liberator,..

...at the time of Alexander III,
the Peacemaker,..

...at the time of Nicholas II, the Bloody.

At the time of Kerensky I also did time.

At the time of Military Communism,..
I did no time.

There was no work for me.

But how I did time in the days of the NEP!

Right away you can see that he is
a man of the good old days.

There are few of his kind left now,
and soon none of us will be left.

During 4 years I had less than
three months of freedom.

- And now I cannot recognize our Chernomorsk.
- So do I.

Where is private capital?

Where are the joint stock companies
with mixed capital?

Where are they all? Monstrous!

Well,..

...now when you've finished,..

...tell me, don't you know a fellow
by the name of Koreiko?

Don't know him.

And did you ever have
any business with "Hercules"?

"Hercules"? Well, of course I have!

Several private joint stock companies
had lived off "Hercules".

- Who in particular?
- "Intensifier", for example.

"Intensifier" received a large advance of money...

...for the purpose of doing something
connected with lumber --

-- the substitute-chairman was not supposed
to know what it was --

...and immediately it crashed.
Somebody got the money.

But who got it?
Who was actually behind it?

Who can tell.

This man has a head on him!

I would not put my finger
into the mouth of this man.

Who was this man? Try to recall.

Funt does not know it.

All I had to do was do my time.
This is my profession.

I've done time at the time of Alexander II,..

...of Alexander III,..

...of Nicholas Romanov,..

...of Alexandre Kerensky,..

...during NEP, after NEP.

I did time under Tsarizm,..

... and under Socialism,..

...and under the Hetman...

...and now I'm between jobs.

But didn't you see
any representative of "Hercules"...

...about the business of advances?

- Any name?
- Berlaga, the bookkeeper.

But I'm waisting my valuable time on you.
Will you take on a chairman?

My price is not high: 120 rubles a month at liberty
and 240 in prison,..

...a 100% increase for damages.

I suppose we can give you the job.

Make out your application
and hand it to the hoof-specialist.

My table will be over there.

And you, comrade hoof-specialist,
will deliver this subpoena to citizen Berlaga.

The document is mandatory!

On your knees!

Stand up.

Approach.

I've heard a lot of interesting stories about you
in Moscow, Nizhni-Novgorod and Odessa.

You're goner, Berlaga, but let's talk.

- Be truthful.
- Like Scheherazade.

Tell us about you colleague Skumbrievich.

I'm fascinated by his artistic image.
Proceed.

He was born in 1891.

Our short-term relationship
does not provide any ground for assumption,..

...that he is an honest man.

This is surely the place to look for him.

If they say that he is attending
an inter-office meeting...

...then he must be here.

Granted that our department
also has its weak side...

There are all sorts of deficiencies.

But such as exist in "Hercules"!

I love instant photography!

Look! This is his stuff.

Citizen Skumbrievich! Zhorik!

He has evidently swum far away.

I have no intention
of waiting any longer.

I shall have to act
not only on land but on sea.

Hey dude, let me have a look.

Over there, behind the buoy.

Balaganov! Undress and get Berlaga ready!
We may need him!

Comrade Skumbrievich! Just one inquiry.

Who authorized advances for "Intensifier"?

- Those that you took...
- Me?

Then who took them?
Did the pope of Rome take it?

Shura! Launch Berlaga!

Dude, gimme a drink.

Witness for the prosecution, name the amount
received by Skumbrievich.

Do not dip!

Everybody to the surface!
No fighting!

Face-to-face testimony continues.

Our Skumbrievich has confessed.
He couldn't hold out against face-to-face testimony.

Squealed, did he, the viper?

I didn't do it in the interests of verity,
but in the interests of truth.

Here I sense the hand of Koreiko.

Funding of advances was authorized
by the comrade Polykhaev,..

...him personally?
I've got the name correctly?

Polykhaev.

As I said, it did not take long.

What will happen now? I will perish!
Tell me, my friend, my kind friend.

How can I be calm? I have a wife, children
and another woman in Rostov on the Don.

I did not hide anything. Word of honor!

Can I live in peace? Can I?

Man can have complete peace
only from an insurance policy.

Any life insurance agent can tell you that.

Comrades! Personally,
I don't need you any more.

But the government
will soon become interested in you.

Somehow I have stopped believing in Bender.
He's doing something that's not regular.

Well, well, Nobody asked your opinion.

No seriously! I greatly respect Ostap Ibrahimovich.
He's such a remarkable man!

What is he spending our money for? Just think.

Why all this foolish office?
And the elk horns for 65 rubles!

And the ink well for 200 rubles!
And all the damn hole punchers!

I respect Bender very much but...

...he is an ass.

He's a pathetic, insignificant person!

After all, Bender made a man out of you.

Do you remember how you ran
with the goose in Arbatov?

Now you have a job, receive a salary,
and are a member of society.

I don't want to be member of society!
Your Bender is an idiot!

He started all these silly investigations...

...when we can get the money to-day
with our bare hands!

Why, I ask you, did he go to the Caucasus?

He says he went on business.

I don't believe him.

Panikovsky doesn't have to believe everything!

Yesterday I secretly penetrated into Koreiko's room.

Of course I did not find any money there,..

...but I discovered something better:..

...dumbbells,
very large black dumbbells.

I have discovered the secret of those dumbbells!

What kind of a secret can it be?
They're ordinary dumbbells for exercise.

Shura, you know how I respect you.

But you are an ass too.
Follow me.

Those are gold dumbbells!

Together, 120 pounds of 24K gold.
I understood it at once.

I stood there before those dumbbells
and laughed like a madman.

What a scoundrel this Koreiko!

I'll get myself some gold teeth,
and I'll get married.

My honest, honorable word! I'll get married!

Do you think I would have told you this secret
if I could take the dumbbells by myself?

But I'm a sick old man,
and the dumbbells are heavy.

And I appeal to you as to a kinsman.

I'm not Bender; I'm honest, Shura!

But suppose they aren't gold?

Just look at him!

Well then, what are they, according to you?

Now it's all clear.

Pay for the kefir, Shura.
We'll settle our accounts later on.

There is a watchmaker of my acquaintance.
He'll give us a real price.

Not as in the government store
where they never give you a real price.

The author!
We'll still give him his fair share, won't we?

What fair share.
This pathetic man makes me laugh!

He's writing again!
Seems like Ilf and Petrov.

But where will we saw off
our pieces from dumbbells?

- Did you think about it?
- I know one spot near Black Sea.

So why are we standing here like madmen?

And there's no one who can
appreciate my titanic labors.

Now I will not take less then a million,..

...or the good mulattoes
will simply never respect me!

I will command the parade!

Who's there?

Telegram.

What's the matter?

Lift it off.
Not one bit of the golden dust should be lost.

Now go, lift mine.

This is precise scale -- from a drug store.

I'm dying of boredom.

I've been only talking to you
for 2 hours and I'm already as sick of you...

...as if I had known you all my life.

With such a disagreeable character
you might be a millionaire in America.

But here a millionaire should be
a bit more easy-going.

- You are insane.
- Don't insult me!

I'm the son of a Turkish citizen,
descendant of the Janissaries.

Janissaries know no pity,
either for women,..

...for children, or for underground
Soviet millionaires!

Go away, citizen. It's already almost 3 o'clock.
I have to go to work early.

What the hell do you want with me, anyway?

I want you to fall in love with me,..

...and as a token of your regard,
give me one million rubles.

I have told you a thousand times,
that I have no millions and never had any.

You understand?

Well, then, get out!
I shall lodge a complaint against you.

You'll never lodge any complaints against me.

Let's get serious.

See this folder.

But let's come to an agreement: no excesses.
The main thing is, don't die of a stroke.

Otherwise I'll be in a very foolish situation.

The fruits of long conscientious labor will perish.

So. Here is a folder.
It's worth is 1 million. Buy it!

First you come to me with some mysterious money.

Then you invent some case.

I's simply ridiculous!

Will you buy it? It is at a rate of only
300 thousand per kilo of the information.

What information are you talking about?

The most interesting. Information concerning
your second, more important life,..

...which is so radically different from your first --
-- the Herculean one.

Your first life is known to everybody.
From 10 to 4 you support the Soviet system.

But of your second life from 4 to 10,..

only I'm informed.

Have you estimated
the significance of this situation?

You know, you are not descended
from a monkey like other people.

You are descended from a cow.
You grasp things with great difficulty.

I repeat: the folder is being offered for a million.
If you do not buy it, I shall...

Show me the case.

Don't bother. I'll command the parade!

I don't understand what you want of me.
But I don't mind looking at it out of curiosity.

Let's begin on that basis, which,
after all, is perfectly innocuous.

Gentlemen of the Jury!
I commence.

My defendant was born...
I suppose we may omit the happy childhood.

In those days little Sasha had not yet
occupied himself with commercial robbery.

Further goes the rosy adolescence.
And here is youth and the beginning of life.

The first important enterprises
of my defendant; to wit:

trade in government medicaments at the time
of the famine and the typhus epidemic,..

...and work in the Supplies Department,
which led to the disappearance of the railroad train...

..and the supplies directed
to the starving Volga districts.

All these facts, gentlemen of the jury, interest us
from the point of view of pure, innocuous curiosity.

We shall omit some pages...

Those with weak nerves should leave the audience.

Not altogether devoid of curiosity...

...was the appearance of my defendant
in Moscow in the year 1922.

Just look at him...

I can't make it out.

No, this is not gold!

Go on sawing, Shura! Go on.

Don't come to me with this iron.
I despise you!

Don't press my psyche!

You're interfering with business!

Where... where are you going, mammy?

Gentlemen of the jury!
The session continues.

And as you see, the ice is breaking.

The defendant has attempted to kill me.
Of course...out of childish curiosity!

He merely wanted to find out
what is inside of me.

Inside of me is an honorable
and very healthy heart,..

...excellent lungs, and a gall bladder
without a vestige of stones.

I request that this fact be entered into the protocol.

It's no longer a secret
that you don't love me.

I shall never obtain that which
Kolya Osten-Baken, my childhood friend...

...obtained from the Polish beauty Inga Zaiac.

He did obtain her love.

You may consider the serenade over.

I'm addressing you as one juridical party
to another juridical party.

I beg the court's permission
to ask the defendant several questions.

Did not the defendant have extra-official duties
with the Herculean Berlaga?

He did not?
Then with the Herculean Scumbrievich?

Also not?

And with Herculean Polykhaev?
He did not! I have no further questions.

I'm tired and hungry!

Tell me, don't you happen to have...

...a cold meat ball stored away on your bosom?

No?

Surprising poverty if one takes into consideration
the size of the sum...

...which you, with the aid of Polykhayev,
have extracted from good old Hercules.

Yes, gentlemen of the jury,
my defendant is a sinner.

That has been proven.

What punishment does he deserve?

Bad luck, Alexander Ivanovich.
Bad, bad luck.

However, I shall permit myself to plead
extenuating circumstances, on the one condition...

...that the defendant buy my folder
for 1 million rubles. I have finished.

It's dawn. Ah, how quickly the night passed

When you came in the guise of a Kiev investigator,
I knew at once that you were a petty crook.

To my regret, I was mistaken.
Otherwise you would never have found me.

Anything might happen, to quote the Polish beauty
Inga Zaiac a month after her marriage.

Well, now I understand the role of that idiot beggar.

But the dumbbells?
Why did you steal my dumbbells?

- What dumbbells?
- You're simply ashamed to admit it.

I did not steal any dumbbells.

Generally speaking, you pulled
some pretty silly tricks!

Quite possible. I'm no angel.
I have my weak points.

However, we're talking too much. The mulattoes
are waiting for me. May I have the money?

Yes, the money.
It's not as simple as all that.

The folder is a good one.
It's possible that I may buy it.

But a million is an excessively large figure.

Au revoir.

According to my estimates, you've got 8-9 millions.
Please remain at home for half an hour.

A splendid carriage with bars will call for you.

That's no way to do business

That may be so. But I'm not a financier.

I'm an independent artist and a cold philosopher.

By what right should you receive this money...
I earned it, but you?..

I didn't only earn it, but I have even suffered!

After having examined your past
I lost my faith in mankind!

- Isn't that alone worth a million rubles --
-- faith in mankind?

It's worth it, it's worth it.

You wouldn't be haunted
by bleeding boys, would you?

Don't be afraid.

Well then, shall we go to the corn bin?
If it's very far, I can provide an auto.

- Please.
- To your health!

You're much better than
I thought you would be.

Indeed, one should part with money
easily, without groans.

A million is not too much for a good man.

Citizens, you are in a poison gas zone!

Scabby old fellows!
Comic opera buffoons!

Citizen defendant, what are these tricks?
I call you to order!

Citizen! You are poisoned.

Citizen! You're poisoned by the gas.
Calm down. You may carry him away.

Boys, tell my deceased father,
the Turkish citizen,..

...that his favorite son,
the former horns'n'hoofs expert,..

...has died the death of the brave
on the field of honor.

"Sleep, fighting eagles! Nightingale,
nightingale, you little bird!"

How to defend yourself against
military poisoning substances?

Is it possible at all?

... the choking, the tear-producing,
the generally poisoning,..

...the festering, the irritating...

...Chlorpicrin, Bromidic Benzyl,
Bromeaceton, Chloracetophenon...

You're pathetic nonentities!
What are you doing!

You'll have to answer for this.
Shura, you're the witness.

Commander!

Stop. You are poisoned aren't you?.

Not a word about dumbbells.

Where have you been?
At the archbishop's birthday party?

Well, swan-brothers,
what have you done?

So help me God,
it was Panikovsky who started it.

My honest, honorable word!
You know Bender, how I respect you!

Don't you see that these are Balaganov's tricks.

And you believe him?

Do you suppose I would have taken
those dumbbells without your permission?

So it was you who took the dumbbells!
But why?

Panikovsky said that they were made of gold.

And how does it go with the defendant?

Fine, but for the fact that
he fled in unknown direction.

- Do you see the young lady sitting there?
- A nice young lady, indeed.

- She's the one with whom Koreiko used to walk.
- Really?

So, that is Zosya Sinitskaya!

Well now, really!
In the midst of the noisy ball, accidentally...

Are you the girl who lived near Marcelle
in the year of 1898?

In what year?

Then, it must've been another woman.

Do you know what you comb is made of?

It's made of horns'n'hoofs.
I'm telling you as an expert.

I'm interested in technology.

During a reconstruction - privately speaking -

everything is decided by technology.
[quote from I.Stalin]

but liberal art and philology...

Do you like Byron?

Oh my God, what a woman!

By the way, meet Panikovsky,
the governor of Borneo.

- Shura Schmidt.
- Nice to meet, Balaganov.

- What were you talking to her about?
- Nothing in particular.

- Well, you roughnecks, let's get back to business.
- Give me my share and that's it.

We must find the defendant.

8 trains with far destinations had already departed
and about 5 ships...

After all, there's nothing terrible about it.
It is not China.

In China it would be rather difficult to find the man.
There you have a population of 400 million.

We have only 160 million, and so it is 3 times
as easy as it is in China. We'll find him.

All we need is money,
and that we have.

Next morning...

This is all that remains of 10 thousand.
34 rubles.

And I thought we had a balance of about $7000.
How could it have happened?

Everything was so fine!
We're collecting horns'n'hoofs.

Life was smiling at us.

And suddenly...I understand!
The overhead.

A bureaucratic apparatus
have eaten up all our money!

Let's divide the money.
We'll have 15 each and he -- 4.

- And Kozlevich?
- What Kozlevich?

We'll keep this money for a rainy day
to buy us some food...

...when we're all get scurvy.

What is to be done?

What do you mean by "what"?
The Office! The furnishings!

The inkstand will be bought by any establishment,
and joyfully, for a 100 rubles!

And the typewriter, and the hole puncher,
the elk's horns, the tables, the samovar?

All of that can be sold...
Stop!

This is simply criminal!

Through the entire campaign they have
collected only 10 kilos of unsorted horns!

They'll face the court for this!

The office is dead.
It needs us no more.

Shura, do you have cash?

I've one ruble. Why?

Give it me.

Thanks.

What is it? What are you doing?

You'll take these flowers to Zosya Sinitskaya.

This was our last money!
Almost 40 rubles!

- Why all this pretension?
- It's necessary, Shura. It's necessary.

I have a big heart, like a calf.

And anyway, this isn't money.
What we need is an idea.

And we have none... Go, Shura.

Bender is mad! He is simply ruining us!
He's losing his head!

It's warm and dark here,..

...like between the palms of two hands.

Why did you fall in love with me?

You are lovely and wonderful.

You are better then anyone else in the world.

Do you remember I was telling you about Koreiko?

You know -- the fellow who proposed to me?

Do you remember I told you
how unexpectedly he went away?

Just imagine! To-day I received a letter from him.
Very amusing...

What?

- Are you jealous?
- A little.

What does that dull fellow write you?

He's not a bit dull.

He's merely a poor, very unhappy man.

Why did you get up, Ostap?

Seriously, I don't love him at all.

He wants me to come to him.

Where? Where does he want you to come?

No, I shan't tell you!
You're jealous. You may kill him.

I'm merely curious to know
where people can make a living.

He is now working on the construction
of the Turkestan Railroad.

Upon my word, you are too curious.
You mustn't be like Othello!

You make me laugh, Zosya!
Do I look like that silly old Moor?

I simply want to know on which part of
the Turkestan Railroad one can find a job.

He has a job as a switchman
in the Little Northern City.

That is its only name. As a matter of fact,
it is just a train. Get it?

This train lays down the rails
and moves on along them.

And another such little city
moves to meet it from the south.

Then there will be an official union.

All sorts of things are in the desert,
he writes, camels...

Isn't it interesting?

It's cold. It's cold here, Zosya.

It's very late. It's time to go.

And anyway... let us go.

Aren't you going to see me home?

What? Oh, home! You see, I...

- Don't go!
- Very well. Au revoir.

And don't come to me any more,..

...do you hear?

Wait!

Lovely and wonderful!

No, this is not Rio de Janeiro.

In a day...

...two...

...three...

Adam, we must go. The course is due East.

The antelope was a faithful machine,..

...but there are many other machines in the world.

Soon you will be able to select any one you like.

A new car! How will we name it?
We'll name it "Antelope's Daughter".

Life is beautiful, in spite of its drawbacks!

Where is Panikovsky?
Where is that goose-killer?

- Come, come. We have far to go.
- I want to eat. I want a goose.

Pathetic, insignificant people!
Why did we leave Chernomorsk?

Don't whine, old man.

Golden jaws await you.

A fat little widow...

...and a whole reservoir of kefir.

- Onward!
- I don't want onward.

I'll buy a little sailor suit for Balaganov
and will place him in an elementary school.

And our driver will receive a new machine.
What kind do you want, Adam Kazimirovich?

- "Lincoln"? "Studebaker"?
- "Isotta-Fraschini". It's more practical.

Bender! You don't know how I respect you!
But you don't understand anything.

You don't know what a goose is.

- Oh, how I love that bird!
- We know. We saw you at Arbatov.

I kill a goose like a toreador, with a single blow!

When I attack a goose, it's an opera!..."Carmen"!

It's an opera!..

A wing!..

The neck!..

The drumstick!...

The old man is impossible.

Shura!.. Shura!..

Shura, go and bring that malingerer here.

[ Car Exchange ]

I was frequently unjust to the deceased.

Was the deceased a moral person?

No, he was not a moral person.

He was an ex-blindman, usurper and goose-thief.

He devoted all his powers to the task
of living at the expense of society.

But society did not want him
to live at its expense...

[ Here Lies Mikhail Panikovsky
A Man Without a Passport ]

...and he could not endure this contradiction in views
because his was an excitable character.

And therefore he died.

That's all.

Say something, Shura.

Comrades!

The international situation...

Our response to Chamberlain...

Rest in peace.

And to think that I beat him for the dumbbells!

And even before that, I fought with him!

Onward! We have to go!

Why did you stop?

The nearest station is 20 miles away.

Then we'll move toward the east.

Well?

I will not go. Don't be offended,
but I have no faith.

I don't know where we ought to go.
We'll perish there.

I shall remain.

This is just what I wanted to tell you...

I have no faith.

As you wish. What are you going to do?

I'll become again on of the children
of Lieutenant Schmidt.

I'll put the Antelope together.

I'll find her, look over her and fix her up.

The northern and the southern parts of
the Turkestan Railroad are united!

The rally is over.

The dinner for the builders and guests is served.

Hey, you, there on the schooner!
You are a mean one!

Why don't you pull out the whole suitcase?

Anything else?

Where are we going to split our money?

Station Khatsepetovka!
Step out, citizen! We have arrived.

By the way, I have entirely forgotten
to tell you something.

Perhaps you intend to cut my throat...

...to chop in parts and ship them
in different cities on slow trains?

Also ferment my head in a barrel of cabbage...

I want you to know I'm opposed to it.

You need not check it.

I conduct business with the efficiency of a bank.

What a good folder it was.

I wish I can keep it but I need money.

And so I'm a millionaire!

Then, make me a movie star.

The dreams of an idiot have come true!

Let's go!

Stop!

Let's fly, Alexander Ivanovich!

Stop! Don't rush.

We are passengers. Two tickets!

Do you have first class?

We accept no passengers.
This is a special flight.

Wait. I'm buying the airplane!
Wrap it up in paper!

- Did you see it?
- Provincial overzealousness.

Wake up! And so came day six.

I'm Emir Dynamite!
If we don't find decent food in 2 days,..

...I'll rouse some tribes to rebellion.

Upon my word! I'll declare a djihad.
For example, against Danes!

There's always a cause.

Why did the Danes torture their Prince Hamlet?

I'll buy rifles from the English --
-- they love to sell firearms.

Can you imagine the invasion of tribes in Denmark?

I shall ride on a white camel at the head of all!

There is no Panikovsky!
How he would appreciate A Danish goose!

Wake up, Alexander Ivanovich.

Here is a little city
that is no worse than Baghdad.

I was here 5 years ago...

...and gave anti-abortion lectures.

There used to be a pair of saloons
of Eastern style...

But this is not Rio de Janeiro.

I'm going to the railroad station right away.

I've had enough. I'm going to the station
to give up my suitcase for safekeeping...

...and get a job somewhere.

Good accountants are now in demand.

- Allow me?
- No, this is to stay with me.

And those are souvenirs for your services.

Must be a foreigner.

Arise, Count!
Great affairs awaits you!

Ochakov? ... I will not do it again. ...

Do you recognize me?

- Commander!
- Don't embrace me. I'm a haughty man now!

You're brown!
My, how brown you've become!

Yes, I've become brown.
Look at my suit. Europe! A-1!

The ring finger of my hand is adorned
with a diamond! Four carats!

Well, what are your attainments?
Still a son?

So,so. Mostly little things.

Tell me honestly, Shura, how much money
do you need for happiness?

100 rubles.

But no! Not just for to-day, but in general.
For happiness!

So that you will live well in the world.

For a total happiness?

6 thousand and 4 hundred.

Very well.

Here's 50 thousand.

- Was it really on a little plate?

Yes, with a blue border.

The defendant brought it in his teeth.
He wagged his tail for a long time...

..before I agreed to accept it.

Now I am in command of the parade! I feel fine.

But what about Rio de Engineiro?
Shall we go?

The devil take it!

There is no Rio de Janeiro!

And there is no America!

And there is no Europe!

There is nothing over there.

The waves of the Atlantic Ocean
break on Shepetovka,

[*Ostap means former border point
on USSR's western frontier.]

A certain doctor explained everything to me.

The rest of the world is a myth
about life beyond the grave.

He who goes abroad never returns!

It's simply a circus!

What a fine time I'll have now!

Poor Panikovsky!
How he would have enjoyed this!

I propose to honor the memory
of the deceased by rising.

- Sit down.

And Kozlevich...

He actually put the "Antelope" together
and is working in Chernomorsk.

He sent me a letter.

Wrote that he was fine but out of money.

Asked me to send him an oil pipe
and to visit him there.

He's a good old man.

Now I'll run out
and try to find his oil pipe.

Don't bother. I'll buy him a new machine.

As for you, we'll have to get you some more clothes.

Let's go to the Grand Hotel.

I've reserved a room
for the conductor of the symphonic orchestra.

And what do you think is conductor's name?
Schmidt.

It's a circus!

I'll put you in an elementary school.
You'll learn how to read and to write.

You'll become a real man.

Hey, old man, how much?

Beat it. That is the carriage of the past.
You cannot go far in it.

My bet there's no taxi.
So, we'll have to take a street car.

Shura, mind your pockets!

I've been robbed!

Hold him!

There he is!

Bandit! Finger! Thief!
He stole my purse!

There was a powder box
and 1 ruble and 75 kopecks in there.

Hold him!

There was also my trade union id.
I'm a trade-unionist, you know.

Don't let him go.
Escort him to the police.

How did it happen?
I did it mechanically!

Swear to God. I did not want to...

I'll show you -- mechanically!

Goodbye, Commander!

It was an accident.
I did not mean it...

In a train to Chernomorsk...

They've cremated homeless boy.
Yet, alive -- he jumps for joy.

Furnace opens -- what they hear?
"Close the door, it's drafty here!"

Peter, called the Great (poor Pete!)
Had no kith and had no kin,

Just a snake and one old nag,
This was all his family.

The Seer has come!

Favorite of Rabindranath Tagore.
The famous Bombay yogi ...

... Iokanaan Marusidze.

Performance of Sherlock Holmes experiments.

The invisible hen.

The prophet Samuel answers all questions.

The materialization of spirits
and the distribution of...

... elephants.

What's going on here, citizens?
What is the meaning of this crowd?

Get out, all of you, citizens from the 'hard' car!

Otherwise, I'll go to the chief!

These are guests.
They only come to visit us for a while.

We're returning from our summer factory practice.

It's against the rules.
Go away! Clear out!

What the matter with you, papa.

Passengers ought not to be lynched
without special necessity.

You must be more hospitable.
Come on, I'll explain it to you right away.

A remarkable thing. This morning
we weren't even acquainted...

...but now we feel as if
we have known him for 10 years.

According to the laws of hospitality!

That's how it should've been done in the first place!

This zwieback is removed by one step
from a grinding stone.

And this step has already been taken.

Come to our polytechnicum!
You'll get a stipend of 75 rubles.

You'll live like a god!

We have a table with stewed fruits every day.

I've already graduated from a liberal art school.

What are you doing now?

- Work along what line?
- Along the financial line.

Accountant?

Cash messenger?

Bank clerk?

No, Raya, I have no job.

I'm a millionaire.

- How many millions have you?
- One.

Not much! Not much!

It's enough for me.

Wow!

Everything is in place.
There's ten thousand in every package.

One million minus some change.

Great!

That's how it is, Sasha.

I live like a god, or like a demi-god,
which, after all, is the same thing.

- How much do we owe for the tea?
- Forget it, dude. Who counts.

How many did we drink, comrades?
We'll have to ask the train porter.

I'll go check our luggage.

I also have to check my stuff.

When did they all run to?

- Why did you devils suddenly become sad?
- Help me from here!

Where are you going?
Suppose we sing something solid.

I have a marvelous Volga bass!

- Where did they all run to?
- Indeed, I have to find out.

Wait. I was joking!
I'm a worker!

I'm the director of a symphonic orchestra!

Believe me! I'm the son of Lieutenant Schmidt!

My farther is a Turkish subject...

I have deceived you, Adam.

I cannot present you with
an "Isotta-Fraschini", nor a "Lincoln",..

...not even a "Buick".

The government does not regard me as a purchaser.

They want to know how I earned the money.

The only thing I can do is to buy you
a bit of trash like our 'Antelope'.

My "Lauren-Dietrich" is a good machine.
If I could only have a used oil pipe...

I have brought you the pipe.
And some other auto-junk.

With this I wouldn't need any "Buicks".

Do you know, Adam, here's a bit of news.

A column of air, weighing 214 kilos,..

...presses upon every citizen,
even party members.

- No, But why?
- How why? It's a scientific, medical fact.

And recently I have found it extremely oppressive.

Think of it! 214 kilos!
24 hours a day, and especially at night.

I don't sleep well.

What?

Nothing. I'm listening.

I feel very bad.

Nobody loves me,
like Panikovsky used to say.

By the way, let's honor his memory by rising.

Let's drive.

Let's drive.

Drive where?

Wherever.

Yesterday in the street an old woman stopped me...

...and asked me to buy an everlasting wick
for a primus stove. I didn't buy it.

I don't need an everlasting wick!

I don't want to live forever.
I want to die.

I have all the banal symptoms of being in love:

absence of appetite, sleeplessness,
and maniacal urge to compose verse.

Listen to what I wrote last night...

...by the guttering light of an electric lamp:

I recollect a wondrous instant;
and you appeared before me then,

beloved, like a passing shadow,
like the spirit of pure beauty.

Good, isn't it?

Talented!

And only a dawn did I remember that
this verse had already been written by A.Pushkin

Such a blow delivered by the classic!

Have you called on her... on Zosya Viktorovna?

I shan't go.
I am proud and modest.

I sent her 350 rubles worth of telegrams
from different cities of the country...

...and did not receive even
a half ruble's worth of reply.

i did it! I! With whom
housewives, houseworkers, widows...

...and even a woman dentist,
have fallen in love!

No, Adam, I will not go! Good-by.

Where are you going?
Do you need a ride?

Wrap it.

Thanks.

[To the People's Commissar of Finance. Valuable.]

Zosya...

I have arrived:
it is impossible to brush this fact aside.

Do you know, Zosya, every man
is subject to the pressure...

...of a column of atmosphere
that weights 214 kilos.

What a lugubrious lover!

Indeed, I'm a typical Eugene Onegin,..

...and, at the same time,
a knight deprived of his heritage.

A fine knight you are!

Don't be angry, Zosya.
Consider the column of atmosphere!

It seems to me that it presses upon me
with greater force then on other citizens.

This is because I love you.

And besides,
I am not a member of a trade union.

That's another reason.

Also it's because you lie
more than other citizens!

That is not a lie. It is a law of physics.

And yet, perhaps there really is no column,..

...and all this is only my imagination.

I am 33 years old.
The age of Jesus Christ.

But what have I done until now?

I have created no religion.

I have wasted my disciples.

I have not brought the dead Panikovsky to life,

and only you...

Well, good-by. I'm going to the restaurant.

I'm also going to dine. I'll eat some shchi

- The restaurant is only for students.
- Well, then I'll just sit.

- Let me introduce you.
- Pericles. Femidi, Pericles.

Bender-Zadunaisky.

What! Are you also Zadunaisky?

You, too, are no longer Sinitskaya.
Judging by the socks...

I am Sinitskaya-Femidi.

For 25 days already.
"Silver" wedding anniversary.

I like your husband.

I like him myself.

It happens sometimes
that youth does not pass...

...as you have imagined
in your tender years...

...and life proves to be coarse
and low like a bass key.

In this sailor's borshch
swim the remains of a shipwreck.

What are you line of work?

I'm secretary of the art-collective
of railroad painters.

A representative of a collective.
I might have expected that.

However I shall no longer interfere
with the proper secretion of you gastric juices,..

...which are indispensable to health.

The girl was stolen!
Right out of the stall!

The representative of the collective...

...stole from the private millionaire...

Here is another Apostle Paul for you!

Accursed Seventh Day Adventist!

Goody-goody, son of a bitch!

I shall hang myself.

Such a Tolstoian deserves to be killed.

I only...to inquire. My mother!.. Uncle!

My I have my parcel back. Just for a minute.

Comrade, we never give parcels back.

What! Have you sent it already?
I brought it only an hour ago.

We never give parcels back.

But it is my parcel. Do you understand?
I sent it, and I want to take it back.

You see, I forgot to put in a jar of preserves.
Quinces!

My uncle will be frightfully disappointed.

We never give parcels back. Comrade.

- It won't hurt your uncle any.
- But you don't know my uncle!

"My uncle is so well respected" [A.Pushkin]
I'm a poor student.

Impoverished childhood in Kremenchug!

The uncle weaned me... using a woman.

I ask you as a public-spirited citizen!

Where can I find it now?

Over there.

There are 3 tones of parcels over there.

My uncle!

He will not survive this.

OK. We are not animals, not leopards.

- Never do it again!
- Upon my my word of honor as a student!

Enough of psychological excesses!

Enough of suffering and self-torture!

It's high time to begin
a hard-working bourgeois life!

To Rio de Janeiro.

Epilogue.

Throughout the winter the great schemer
had made his preparations...

He had bought US dollars with their portraits
of white-wigged presidents...

gold watches...

cigarette cases...

wedding rings...

diamonds...

and other precious articles.

His fur coat weighed a ton.

He was opressed by gold -
the platter, the cross, the bracelets.

His back itched under the watches.

This remarkable load...

...was to secure an easy,
happy-go-lucky life...

for the commander
on the shores of the warm ocean.

In Rio de Janeiro.

I greet you, seigneurs!

Bonjour, my friends!
I greet you as representatives...

But, but! Hands off!

Souvenirs from Paris!

They'll put color
into your drab life on the border!

Bracelet!

I shall complain about you to the large Khuruldan!

This is for you, gentlemen.

Oh. what treatment!
Exploiters of hardworking people!

Move over!

Exploiters of hardworking people!

Accursed Siguranza!
An intelligent person like me!

The ice is breaking!

The ice is braking, gentlemen of the jury!

No ovations are necessary.

I did not become a Count of Monte Cristo.

I shall have to qualify as a superintendent!

This is the end.

The end.

English subtitles by monty-Z-dog (2009)

Subtitles are based on translation
by Charles Malamuth (1932).