The Godson (1998) - full transcript

[ Kissing, Moaning ]

Ah.
Ah.

[ Laughs ]
[ Laughs ]

[ Moans ]

Oh. Oh.

[ Groans ]
Oh, yes, baby.

Yes. Yes. Huh ?

Forget about it.

[ Guns Clatter On Floor ]
Sunny ! Your fly.

Sunny ? Somebody's coming.

[ Grunts ]



[ Screaming ]

[ Grunts ]

Sunny ! Tie your shoe.

I'm not payin' for the room.

Ow !
[ Shouts ]

[ Screams ]

Sunny Calzone, you die.

[ Laughing ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Growls ]

[ Thudding ]

[ Laughing ]

[ Car Departing ]

[ Tires Screeching ]



Taxi ! Taxi !

Oh !

[ Roaring ]

[ Whimpers ]
Oh !

[ Screaming ]

[ Siren Wailing ]

[ Siren Continues ]

[ Woman ]
Sunny ! Sunny ! Sunny !
[ Cat Screeches ]

Tie your shoe !

Whoa !
[ Groans ]

[ Cat Meows ]

[ Gun Firing ]

[ Bullet Ricochetting ]

[ Sobs ]

[ Crow Cawing ]

[ Man ]
And that's how my life
got turned around forever.

My beloved
older brother Sunny--

Sunny Calzone, the heir
to the Calzone
famiglia--

was brutally murdered
by our enemies.

We was all there for
the sad event of his passing.

There was Bugsy, Mama,

Pop-- also known as
the Oddfather because
he's my father and he's odd--

Sunny's girl...
[ Cash Register Dings ]

and me, son number three,
Giuseppe Calzone.

But you can call me Guppy,
everyone does.
Shut up, Giuseppe.

Giuseppe, put a lid on it.

Giuseppe, shut up.

Well, usually everyone does.

This certainly
is a grave occasion,

if you'll pardon the pun.

So, then, ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.

Sunny got whacked,
and it's so unjust.

And thus it is that we say
arrivederci
to Sunny Calzone.

And it was Sunny
who warmed so many--

so many of our--
[ Clears Throat ]
hearts.

Please join me in song
as we remember.

♪ I wish the Sunny
was shining today ♪

♪ If Sunny were here
everything would be okay ♪

Sing along with me !

♪ I wish the Sunny
were shining today ♪

♪ If Sunny were here
everything would be okay ♪

♪ If Sunny were here
everything would be okay ♪

♪ And now he's gone
Hey ?

♪ Sunny's dead and gone
Hey ?

♪♪ [ Singing Continues,
Indistinct ]
Hey !

[ Sunny Muffled ] Hey !
♪ And we're all here
to cry and moan ♪

♪ We're all here
to cry and moan ♪

[ Sobbing ]
Take it easy.
Take it easy. Come on.

Hey !

[ Oddfather ]
Take it easy.

It's a very sad day,
Don Calzone.

The Rodfather gives you
his deepest sympathies.

Well, you know--

[ Muttering ]

Our number one son
whacked with a shoelace.

Ah, the men who did this,

I curse them to hell
and beyond for eternity !

[ Echoing ]
For eternity !

She's very upset.
Yeah.

Yeah. I want you to meet
my number three son.

He's a good boy,
a good boy.

You can call him Guppy.

Everyone does... usually.

Nice to meet ya, Guppy.
[ Whimpers ]

[ Moans ]
Hand broken.
[ Moans ]

Where's son number two ?

We don't talk
about son number two.

[ Mutters, Blows Raspberry ]

[ Bicycle Bell Rings ]

[ Guppy Narrating ]
This was my neighborhood.

And this was
the Calzone compound, my home.

It didn't look like much
from the outside,

but actually it was pretty nice.

But I had other things
to worry about.

Shocking as
Sunny's death was,

I still didn't realize just what
it was going to mean for me.

A huge challenge was about
to be put upon my shoulders,

a challenge that
would test me in ways...

I never even thought of.

I've been in love
with you, Elaine,

ever since the first time
I saw you playing bass
for your reggae band,

thumpin' out
that Rasta beat.

And of all the fellows
in the audience that night,

you picked me, Elaine.
[ Woman ]
Mm-hmm.

It might be
the champagne talking.
I don't know.

But I think I'm going to--

I'm going to
kiss you, Elaine.

[ Crashing ]

Don't you ever knock,
Bugsy, hmm ?

Don't call me that !

Your father wants
to see you in the office.

Have you met Elaine ?

Don't judge me.

Baby ?

Guppy's got to go
have a meeting.

[ Whispers ]
You stay here.
[ Laughs ]

Pop, Bugsy came in my room
without knocking again--

Silence. We have more
important things to discuss.

This isn't about
the other night again, is it ?

I just wanted to see what
pantyhose would look like on me.

I don't care about that.
I'm talkin' about the future
of this family.

-[ Quacking ]
- Quiet down. Look at this.

Giving, giving, giving
all the time.

Penelope,
I'm very proud of you.

All right, take a hike. I got
something to say to my son.

-[ Wings Flapping,
Penelope Quacking ]
- Aw, geez !

I'll tell you something.
If it wasn't for the eggs--
[ Whistles ]

It's a crazy world we live in.
It's violent.

I keep tryin' to get out, but
they keep tryin' to pull me in.

- Pop, are you all right ?
- [ Grunts ]

- What was I sayin' ?
- [ Quacks ]

Yeah, okay.

Now that Sunny is gone,
I want you to take over.

I want you to be the head.
I want you to be...

the godson.
[ Echoing ]

♪♪ [ Orchestra ]

Where the hell
is that music coming from ?

♪♪

Me ? But, Pop--

Once the Calzones
were the biggest syndicate
in the whole world,

the whole wide world,
you understand ?

Now, with two sons dead,
we have grown weak.

We spent all our money
on sex toys.

I've done some calculations,
and I have to tell you that in
six months the way we're goin',

we'll be bankrupt, and we're
gonna be livin' in the streets.

Your mission
is to change the tide,

to save the Calzone family,
don't you understand ?

We must focus our future,
our future.

I don't know, Dad.
This is out of my league.
This is way too much.

- I can't accept.
- [ Quacks ]

If you don't,
I'm gonna take this...

and put it someplace
where every time you dance
this is gonna hurt.

When do I start ?
Now.

Now.

You lookin' at me ?

You lookin' at me ?

[ Guppy Narrating ]
I was in a state of shock.

My whole life had just
been turned upside down.

What was I going to do ?
I asked myself.
What am I gonna do ?

I'm just not cut out
to be a mobster, you see ?

I'm just not cut out
to be a mobster, you see ?

Is there an echo in here ?

[ Laughs, Imitates Gunfire ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Gun Fires,
Bullet Ricochets ]

[ Bullet Ricocheting ]
[ Groans ]

I'll never be a gangster !
I'm a sissy.

I'm good at being a sissy.
You can't make a sissy
into a gangster.

I'll never be
as good as Sunny ! Never !

[ Crying ]

Come in.
I was in the hall, and I
couldn't help but hear you.

My boy, you know--
I-- No.

[ Mutters ]
Aw, gee, over here. Oh.

Oh, Sunny.
I miss him too.

Look at those pictures.

Oh, Sunny,
what a beautiful boy.

Oh. Look at him.
He's so beautiful.

My boy is-- I'm so sorry.
Oh, here. Come here.

Come, oh-- Come here.

- [ Groans ]
- Aw, geez ! Oh, my boy.

I'm here for you.

You can help me
become a real mobster ?

That's what I meant
when I said I'm here for you.

I have to tell you something.
You're my boy.
[ Whimpering ]

What's the matter ?
I'm afraid
you're gonna hit me.

I'm not gonna hit you.
What are you talkin' about ?
I'm not gonna hit ya.

I can't help myself.
Aw, geez. It's the Italian way.

I'm expressing love.
Don't you understand ?

The first thing
you have to do--
[ Bones Crunching ]

Is get off my foot.
Oh, I'm sorry.

The second thing,
you got to get
some frickin' clothes.

You're not
a bad-lookin' kid.

You just need some style.
That's all.

A lot of style.

[ Car Horn Honking ]

[ Groans ]

♪ La, la, la, la, la

Oh, monsieur,
s'il vous plait.

Come on in. Come on in.
You're going to look
like a brand-new man.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh ! You will see it.

[ Scissors Snipping ]

Oh, no, just jokin'.
[ Laughs ]

There.

[ Gasps ]

- Turn around. Oh !
- Take it off.

Ah, the Jolly Green Giant's
illegitimate son.

[ Electricity Crackling ]

[ Mutters ]

[ Both Laughing ]

♪♪ [ Whistles ]

[ Mutters ]
What ?

What's that on your feet ?

Here are the perfect
Scarfeet for you.

There you go.
La Cosa Nostra
always come in here.

The grandson of Al Capone,
well, sir, he also came in here.

This is nice.

Oh, this is a--
This is a lighter.
Oh.

Let me just-- Oh.

Take a look.
The material here is made
exactly from the pattern...

and then this part
came from the cage of sambia.

Yes, it is extremely sensitive.
Great for good shot.
We're just gonna--

Ow !
Oh ! Are you all right ?

- [ Laughs ]
- No, don't shoot the tailor.

Dad ? Oddfather ?

This is the most
wonderful day of my life.

Yes ! Oh, geez.
[ Groans ]

Pop ?

You wanna know somethin' ?

I'm gonna be
the best damn mobster
that ever walked this earth.

I'm gonna rebuild the family
up to its former glory.

You want to know
something else ?

I'm gonna build up
to new heights that
you never even dreamed of.

I'm gonna murder.
I'm gonna pimp.

I'm gonna steal candy
from little kids like
nobody's ever done before.

I'm gonna be the best !

I've been waitin'
to hear this.

You can be a contender,

but you still
got a lot to learn.

[ Whimpers ]
Whoa !
[ Car Horn Honks ]

Free the bound periodicals !
Free the bound periodicals !

[ Bicycle Bell Ringing ]
Dork !

[ Bell Rings ]

And don't just give it
a light tug.

You've got to really pull.

[ Gasping ]

[ Sawing ]

See, class ?

You have to really
get in the joints
if you want a clean separation.

Otherwise, you're going
to be sawing all day.

[ Pants ]

There. Pay attention, people !

This is going
to be on the test.

[ Whimpers ]

The biggest misconception
is that it's all in the arm.

But actually,
it's all in the wrist.

Good. I think
we've covered that.

Now, class,
I'm going to teach you...

omerta, the mafia law
of silence.

[ Clock Ticking ]

I think we've covered that.

Come on, ya dirty rat,
ya lily-livered fink.
Where's the loot ?

What are you,
the boss man ?
You're not the boss of me.

You're nothin' but
a double-crossing rat,
a lily-livered mama's boy !

What are you, a tough guy ?
How's about I take
some sandpaper...

and rub it on your genitals
till you cry like a $2 whore
who broke a $3 nail.

Yeah.

Note his use of derogatory
monikers to his full.

For example,
he calls him "pig breath."
[ Chuckles ]

Now, on an internal level,
his emotional response
would perhaps be to feel...

apprehensive, hopeless
or even impotent in the face
of this dangerous situation.

To the viewer, however,
and more importantly
to his enemies,

this man's Teflon exterior
remains seemingly unmalleable,

impervious to the peril.

Maybe he's sensitive, class.
Maybe he wants to cry, hmm ?

Maybe he'd rather go home and
snuggle with his stuffed bunny !

But to do so
would mean certain death.

In sum, ladies and gentlemen,
what one needs to be
a successful employee...

of La Cosa Nostra
is an unshakable...

and completely irrational
confidence in oneself.

[ Snoring ]

Here. You try.

All right, then, you.

Go ahead.

Come on, mister.
Leave me alone.

Who are you,
Michael Jackson ?

Come on !
Use a moniker of some sort.
Pal, mug, pig breath.

Do it again !

And just relax.
Take a deep breath.

Back off, pig breath,
or you'll wake up
breathing through a scab.

Better, but...

hardly enough to
really inspire your average
shakedown or intimidate.

Now, class, disposing
of a body, chapter 33,
you're going to see about lime.

Lime, the basic component--
Shut up, pally !

Or I'm gonna take your diploma,
shove it up your ass
and nail it to your larynx !

Yes !
Yes ?

Yes, yes.
Yes, yes.

Yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.

Yes.
Yes.

[ Class Cheering ]

[ Laughs ]
[ Cheering Continues ]

[ Cheering Continues, Fades ]

[ Guppy Narrating ] Now that
I'd gotten my bachelor's degree
in advance criminal science,

it was time to meet
the hardworking men and women
of the Calzone crime family.

For years I'd wanted
to meet them, but I was
always tied up in the closet.

[ Chuckles ]

There was
Carmen "The Nose" Chechea,

Tony "The Lung" Bananno.

He was a tobacco lobbyist,
of course.

There was
Jimmy "The Wad" Rialto.

I'm not sure
where he got his name.

Everyone was there.
There was love in the air.

That's Amore.
[ Woman ]
Hey, Amore !

I got to meet Veronica
"Thunggooey" Tetranicci,

my cousin Vinny.

Be sure to watch it.
It's a great flick.

It was beautiful.
These people didn't just
dream about drug running,

savage murder
and the ritual abuse
of women, they lived it.

And now, I was one of them--
No, I was their leader.

For the first time in my life,
I was proud to be me.

Here ya go, Mr. Wise Fella,
Mr. Good Guy !
You son of a bitch !

Oh, man.

So, Guppy, what do you
think of the family ?

Bunch of wise guys, huh ?

Oh, God, Father,
they're good fellas.

[ Laughs ]

This thing ! Ooh !

I was starting to think that
being a mafia chieftain wasn't
going to be so bad after all.

No one had even
tried to kill me yet.

Wow ! What was that ?

I don't know, but it
looks pretty, doesn't it ?
[ Oddfather Screams ]

Very.
[ Tires Screeching,
Car Horn Honks ]

[ Thudding ]

[ Printer Whirring ]

[ Man ]
Let me make this
clear, Angel.

If you want a career
here in the F.B.I.,
you have to nail this cat.

I want to know his every move.
I want photos. I want reports.

I want to know every time
he sits down on the damn toilet,
understand ?

But--
The only "but" I want
out of you, Agent Hoover,

is that fuzzy little peach-like
one you hide under that skirt.

[ Laughs ]
Now, get on it.

Hoover !
Yes, sir.

Don't screw up.
The director is
watching you on this one.

[ Line Clicks,
Dial Tone Hums ]

[ Man Grunts, Groans ]

[ Grunts ]
You know something ?
I'm very proud of you.

- Now you have taken over.
- Ooh !

Tomorrow you will meet all
the heads of all the families.
Are you ready ?

I'm ready.
Ah, see ?

This is how
I got Jake LaMotta.

I held him like this until he
gave me all his Tootsie Rolls.

Yeah, I held him like this.
I never let him go.

You know why ?
Because he betrayed me.

[ Whimpers ]
Pop, whatever
did happen to Frito ?

I told you I don't
want to discuss that.

What could he have done
that was so bad ?

He did the unthinkable.
He did the unimaginable.

He did the unforgivable.

- He got a regular job.
- Red rum. Red rum.

Oh, my God. How could he ?
[ Groans ]

Yeah, well, I'll tell you
the truth. It broke my heart.

[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

They're, um,
doing yoga,
sir. [ Indistinct ]

Yes, I know mobsters
usually don't do yoga,
but these ones are, sir.

[ Man On Radio ]
Hoover, you there ?

Shh ! Sir,
there's a strange man
here with a crossbow.

-[ Man On Radio ]
What ?
- [ Groans ]

I'm afraid I've been hit, sir.
Over and out.

[ Body Thuds ]
Oops.

[ Groans ]

Mmm !

It was time for
the annual top secret...

shareholders meeting
of Murder, Incorporated.

I was gonna meet the most
powerful dons in the country.

It was Don Juan De Marco,
I would
love
to get to know you better.

Don Quixote, Don Ho,

Don E. Brasco,
Hey, forget about it.

Don King and Don Pardo.

[ Man On P.A. ] I'd like
to announce that all guests are
staying at the Park Plaza Hotel.

Thank you.
Thank you, Don Pardo.
Now, beat it.

And finally I met him,
the most vile man
in New York City,

the Rodfather !

I got-- Oh. I was--
No, this way.

[ Growls ]

Oh, Don Calzone,
I'm sorry to hear about
the death of your son.

- It was very nice--
[ Mutters ]
- Speak up, will ya ?

- It was very nice--
[ Mutters ]
- That's better. Okay.

Hi, gentlemen.
I'm very happy that
this meeting is taking place...

and for the
conglomerations together...

and conjugating this way,
especially that we're
doing it in peace.

It really makes
my heart very happy.

Is this
the meeting
of the Doms ?

This is Dons, pal.
Doms are next week.

Wanna buy a book
while I'm here ?

- Pass.
- Your mother's ass.

Ooh !

[ Blows Raspberry ]

I appreciate your consolation
and your symphony.

Now, listen, gentlemen.
I am old, I am frail...

and I am losing control
of my bladder big time.

Goin' down stairs
is a bitch.

Therefore,
my son Guppy here...

is going to take over control
of the Calzone family.

[ Group Exclaiming ]

Wait, wait, whoa.

You will answer
to him completely.

My son Guppy has
all my condiments.

Is that clear ?
Take over.

Good to see that
everyone is here.

Now, let's get down to business.
First of all-- Ooh !

- Oh, shit.
- [ Laughing ]

[ Shouting ]

Yes !

- Someone sabotaged my chair !
- [ Laughing ]

Sorry, Pop.

I think I swallowed
my toothpick.

It's wonderful to meet you,
Guppy. Tell me, how long
you been outta the water ?

Hey, Don King, you look like
you just saw my wife naked.

A toast.
Your mother's ass.

-L'chayim.
-Forget about it.

[ Guppy Narrating ]
And then I saw her,

the most beautiful don
of them all, Don Na.

♪ My friends are on their way

♪ I don't sit home and cry

♪ Well, I'm happy
The most felonious,
babalonius...

♪ You don't love me
anymore ♪
since Annette Funicello.

♪ Sadness when it rains
She was Juliet to my Romeo.

She was Delilah to my Samson,
♪ Calling to complain

Minnie to my Mickey.
♪ Yes, I'm happy

Who is that goddess
gracing the stage ?

She moves me.

I want her. I want her.
I want her.

That, my little forward fish,
is my daughter.

In the most admirable way,
of course.

♪ My daddy's there for me

♪ I can buy my own perfume

♪ I can pick a rose or two

♪ If I need to cuddle up

♪ My pussycat will do

♪ Yes, I'm happy

♪ You don't love me anymore ♪

All right, enough of that crap.
What are you bozos staring at ?

All right, sweetheart.
Come here.

I'm getting old, too,
my friends.

I'm going to be handing over
the reins of all my power...

to my daughter here, Don Na.

[ Microphone Feedback ]
Love me or kiss my ass.

Ooh !

I knew by the way
she looked at me that
she was already in love with me.

The only problem was
she was the daughter
of the rival
famiglia,

the Sharks and the Jets,
the Montagues and the Caplets,

Greg and Marsha Brady.

Add another page to the agonized
history of star-crossed lovers.

I'm raising this glass in
a peace offering to Don Calzone.

What do you say
we call a truce ?

Oh, for-- Oh.

What the hell's this ?

You want peace ?
Peace it is.

I have to warn you,
if anybody puts their hands
on my son Guppy,

there will be a war
to end all wars.

A toast !

- Hear, hear.
- Hey !

[ Scattered Applause ]

[ Laughs ]
Yeah.

Hey !

What's the idea with
the tongue there, jerky ?

[ Muttering ]

[ Guppy Narrating ]
Well, that certainly went well.

I was the chieftain,
the skipper, the king,

the big cheese,
the head honcho.

I was the boss of the mafia.

[ Muttering ]
Here ?

[ Kissing Sound ]

That's right.
Kiss my ring.

No, kiss it with respect.

Mmm !
That's much better.
Very nice touch.

[ Popping Sound ]
Oh, Mama ?
Are you chokin' ?

What should I do ?
Your stomach ?

But if you're chokin'--
Oh, the stomach !

Oh, Mama !
[ Popping Sound ]

[ Ring Ricochetting ]

Oh, Mama, I'm so sorry.
[ Ring Clatters On Floor ]

I was practicing.
I want people to fear me.

Don't you worry, son.
You scare us all.

Thank you. Thank you,
Mama. That's all
I want to hear.

What'd you wake me up for ?
Get outta here.
Leave me alone.

Godson ?

- Don't you ever knock, Bugsy ?
- Don't call me that !

- What should I call you ?
- Alice.

Alice it is then.

What do you want, Alice ?

- There's somebody here
that wants to see you.
- Who ?

[ Screams, Grunts ]

-This is Frito.
- As in my older brother Frito ?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Frito's back home.

Oh, shit.

Welcome back, my brother.
Welcome back !

I ain't here to deliver
the mail, little brother.

I've come to take
what is rightfully mine !

Anything. Anything
you want is yours.

- Anything ? Anything ?
- Yeah. Really.

I want my position
as the rightful heir
to this family.

Anything but that.
Let's be realistic.

Pop ! Pop !
Get away from me.

How can you make him
the godson ? Look at him !

He's such a
popagolch.

I'm older.
I deserve the throne
to this family.

You can have Dad's Cutlass.

I don't want
my father's Oldsmobile.

I want what is... mine !

Oh !
[ Grunting, Groaning ]

[ Whimpering ]
[ Screeching ]

Oh ! Oh !

[ Growls, Groans ]

Aah !

[ Gasping ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Scratching ]
[ Bugsy Screams ]

What wackos !
[ Scratching Continues ]

No one likes that, Frito.

You will live to regret this.

Wherever you go, I'll be there.

Ow. You walk the streets ?

I'll be there.

I'm scratched.

I'll be there.

C'est la vive.

What are you
talkin' French for ?
You're Italian.

[ Guppy Narrating ]
Now that I had taken over,

the Rodfather
wanted to have dinner.

Said he had a little plan.
Wanted to talk to me about it.

Say hello to Tracy's Dick.
I mean, Tracy Dick !

Nice to see you again, Dick !

It's Mr. Dick to you !

[ Growls ]
Bugsy ! No !

[ Oddfather ]
Go with the meeting.

But let me say I'm glad
we called this peace.

I just hope it lasts.
That's all.

- You think I'm funny ?
- Yes, you were very funny.

- You think I'm funny ?
- I'm hearing an echo in here.

What does that mean ?
Do you think I'm funny,
or do you think I'm funny ?

I just thought what
you did was, you know, funny.

So now you think I'm funny.

That it ?
[ Laughing ]
Yes. Now, that's funny.

The machine gun bit.
Good old-fashioned funny.

You're not bein' funny.
You're bein' an effin' wacko.

Put away the piece
before ya break a nail.

What the--

Now you think I'm funny ?

- Pop, she shot at me !
- That's dames for ya.

Damn ! I did break a nail.

You guys must come from
a rough part of town.

You kiddin' ?

One day they raffled off
a police car with two cops
still in it.

My building,
nothin' but robberies.

Every time I close a window,
I hit somebody's fingers.

So... what's the story,
morning glory ?

Airplane glue. There's
a huge shipment coming in
to the docks tomorrow night.

We want to steal it
and sell it to small children
throughout the nation.

We need your protection.

I'll give you protection.
Here ya go.

Here. Take this.

Not that, Oddfather.
Oh, extra large.

Hey, Oddfather,
did I ever meet you in prison ?

You look familiar.
Turn around.

Anyway, we need
your influence with the police,
the unions, city hall.

You know what I'm saying.
The other families would be
upset if you deny us.
Capisce ?

No thanks, I already ate,
but why do you want kids
gluing airplanes together for ?

It's not to build airplanes,
idiot. It's to sniff.

Like a dog meets
another dog,
capisce ?

Oh ! Oh.

That might kill them.

The cost of doing business.
Now let the men talk
and shut up.

Speak to the hand,
not the face !

Listen up, Rodfather.
We ain't helpin' out
any airplane glue business.

Or any other kind of business
unless I say so ! Get it ?

What ? It's all set up !

I like kids, Roddy.
I don't see any reason
to kill them.

Call off the deal !

Oddfather, your son's
got olive oil in his brain.

He's making a serious error.

Nevertheless, he's the one
who's making the decisions,

and I agree with him because
I feel you shouldn't hurt
children until they're grown up.

Look ! We're going
into airplane glue
with or without you !

Who cares ? Nobody tells
the godson what to do.

- [ Scoffs ]
- Bugsy, let's go.

[ Oddfather ]
Take me with you.

Giuseppe Calzone,
I will break him.

I will break him
like a baby's finger.

[ Guppy Narrating ]
It was time to
get down to business,

make some money,
restore the Calzone family.

Bugsy had the first great idea.

We'd open
a little dancing palace.
He knew just the place.

He said 4334 Amsterdam Avenue.

But I bought
4334 1/2 Amsterdam Avenue.

It was half priced.

It wasn't quite the success
I imagined.

For some reason,
none of my mafia friends came.

Can I stop now, for God sake ?

Sure, Judy.
Take five.

And don't blame yourself
for the poor attendance.
You're a fine dancer.

All right then,
nobody else's gonna dance,

then I will.

[ Guppy Narrating ]
Yeah, it didn't do that well
as a business.

But it wasn't a total loss.
I did learn a few
new dance steps.

[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

[ Man On Phone Speaker ]
What is this crap, Angel ?

You expect this to bring down
the most powerful man
in the mob ?

The director
is not impressed.
Sir, I--

The only "I" I want to see
out of you, sugar puff,

is that gorgeous blue one
I see when I wake up next to ya.

Get something better unless
you want to be flippin' burgers
by the end of the week.

[ Dial Tone Hums ]

Yeah, suck my toe.

That's it.
Suck it harder !
[ Laughs ]

Now, look at that.
You've gone and made such
a mess. Bad boy, very bad.

[ Guppy Narrating ]
Plan number two
was a guaranteed winner.

That's beautiful, baby.
Now put on my bra.

I had moved
the family into the
"telecommunicatory bid-ness."

Now take both jumper cables
and put them on each nipple.

People were
callin' by the hundreds.
We were gonna make a fortune.

He's coming this way.
Um, kiss it ?
Yes, I'll kiss it.

Uh-huh. What ?

Give me the lollipop, Daddy.

Yes, you can keep
the beer mug on my head.

Yes, I'll lick, lick,
lick, lick, lick, lick !

Are you satisfied,
you effin' pervert ?

Good job. Good job.

- Bugsy ?
- [ Growls ]

Alice.

Mmm !

These 900 numbers
are a gold mine, Alice.
How much are we makin' ?

900 ?
Mm-hmm.

Did you say 900 ?
900, 800,
what's the difference ?

You told me 800.
You clearly said,

"Bugsy, I want you to set up
a bunch of 800 dirty numbers."

Yeah, so what ?
It doesn't matter.

Oh, Alice, I'm sorry.

No, Alice,
you were right. I--

I suck, Dad.
Oh, I suck.
No.

Every plan
I come up with fails.

I'll never rebuild
the family in time.
Naw.

I'll never
be a good mobster.
Let's face life.

Listen to me.
You have two months left.

But you know what they say:
no falls, no balls.

I know what
everybody's thinking.
What ?

This guy ain't
mafia material.
No.

This guy couldn't
organize a yard sale.
Naw.

This guy has premature
ejaculation problems.
No.

Why, you should see a mechanic,
you know. It could be
the battery. You never know.

What they're thinking is,
if only Sunny were alive.

Aw, geez.
I miss him so much.

Okay, fellas, joke's over.

Funny !
[ Laughs ]
I got it !

Now let me outta here !
Let me outta here !

If only Sunny
were alive.
Yeah.

Hey, I wonder if we
should dig up his grave
and see if he's really dead.

Maybe he's down there
living on worms, praying
we'll come and save him.

What are you, crazy ? No.
Guess I am a bit crazy.

Yeah, so--
Dig up his grave.

How much money
would that cost ?
Oh, yeah.

And the man-hours.
A shitload.

[ Guppy Narrating ]
Things weren't going
so great, I admit.

Every business venture I tried
was, well, a complete failure.

I'd blown $1.4 million
learning the difference
between 800 and 900 numbers.

I was a failed mafia chieftain.
People everywhere
wanted me dead.

And I was still a virgin,
but all was not lost.

I still had plan number three.

My mom always said,
"If you can't make money,
marry into money."

That's exactly
what I planned to do.

Romeo ? Romeo ?

Romeo ?

Oh, dude !

Romeo ?

Romeo ?

Oh !
[ Grunts, Thuds ]

Romeo, if that's you,
this isn't funny.

[ Whimpering ]

[ Snarling ]

Where the hell
are you, Romeo ?

Right here, my precious.

Guppy ? God.
What are you doing here ?

I've come to
free you, my love.

[ Scoffs ]

[ Whispers ]
Thanks.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Clears Throat ]
"I have always wanted you,
my sweet,

"to run a feather
across your feet,

"to feel your soft lips
in a love-locked kiss.

"I imagine heaven
can't be as good as this.

"To live and never love you
is all I've ever feared.

"To go through life
and never feel the touch
of your downy beard.

"I will sit on
your very best chair.

"I will rub your
silky, soft chest hair.

To feel your muscles--"

What is this ?

Isn't that what you wanted ?

Didn't you say, "Bugsy,
get me a book on light poetry,

gay, light, joyful" ?

Okay, all right, fine.
No time for that now.
Thank you.

Hey, what's with the noise ?

It's that damn
Guppy Calzone again.

I'm gonna whack him, Daddy.
I'm gonna whack him.

Look, I got my own problems.
Look at this, will ya ?

And your mother
wasn't that nice either.

I told her I hurt
my little pinkie.

She said, "It's all right.
We're not gonna
have sex anyway."

Oh, come on, Daddy.
Can I whack him just once ?

Just kill him
just once, please !

No, no, this is all part
of the master strategy.

You won't kill him.
You'll go out on
a date with him.

A date ?

Oh, you mean, we can
always kill the Calzones,

but we'd make
too many enemies, therefore,
we must destroy them, right ?

- Right.
- Then you whacked Sunny.

It must have been hard on you
to see a man like that
die without pain.

I've seen so many guys
die with pain, I figured
I'd break it up a little bit.

Now, I'll make little Guppy
the puppy fall in love with me,

and the Oddfather will have
no choice but to disown him.

Daddy, you're brilliant.
I know, I know.

♪ I live for you
[ Sighs ]

♪ I really do
Come to me ♪♪

All right, all right, all right,
I'm coming !

God.

[ Guppy Narrating ]
I took her to
this little place I know.

Most people couldn't get seats,
but they always have
a table for me.

It wasn't always the best table,
but it was a table.

"Dom, do I look fat to you ?"
I said, "Not to me,
but to everybody else.

To me you're
just big boned."

I love that big-boned crap.
I'm not really fat.
I'm very big boned.

Isn't that amazing how you
have those big, fat bones
in your ass ?

-When does the real show start ?
-Uh--

- You ever get these people--
- When do we get
to the funny part ?

You want to go--
"Come here. Give me that."

Get the hook ! Get the hook !

[ Crowd Groans ]

[ Man ]Uh-oh.

How ya doin' ?
I'm Dom Irrera from television.

Nice to meet ya.
I appreciate--
You're a heckler, right ?

The clever heckler.
I was up there onstage--
That's what I do.

Worked my whole life for that.
I appreciate you interrupted.

I like it. It gives me
something to play off of.

You're funny.
I love that.

People always ask,
"What do you do when
somebody heckles ya ?"

Some guys have this
rapier-like wit, very clever.

Other guys make a funny face.
Me ? I crack ya in the face.

[ Crowd Exclaiming ]

[ Man ]
All right !

You deal with every situation
differently, folks.

Good act.

Tooth in my knuckle.
It smarts.

Ab-libber.
Excuse me.

God !

Kick his ass in potato salad.
[ Crowd Laughs ]

Send this over
with my compliments.

Hmm.

This girl
wouldn't go out with me.
She must be a lesbian.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure the girl
would have to be a lesbian
not to go out with you.

- It's okay.
- As if I'd give them
the good stuff.

I don't mean that
in a bad way.
Eww.
Mon dieu.

Compliments of the gentleman
over there.

[ Man Continues Talking,
Crowd Laughing ]

A little bubbly.

It's not that bad a stink
as stinks go, per se.

[ Crowd Laughing ]

Wow !
[ Man ]
Ladies and gentlemen,

that was Dom Irrera
from television.

Give him a hand.
Excuse me.

[ Crowd Cheering ]
[ Burps ]

Try this.

[ Belches ]
Hmm ?

- [ Man ] Oh, pal.
- Oh.

[ Man ]
That was a good one.

[ Belches ]
[ Applause ]

No, please, that's okay. Nice.

[ Panting ] Ooh.

[ Belching ]

Beautiful.

[ Crowd Cheering ]

Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Please sit down. Please.

You are some kind of a woman.

Well,

thank you, Guppy.

Let's you and I
blow this joint.

Let's have some real fun.

Yes. Oh, yes.

Yes.

Welcome to the Copacabanna.

[ Chattering ]

Ya-hoo ! Hoo !

Ye-haa ! Yee !
I love--

Ooh !

[ Groans ]
[ Cow Mooing ]

[ Laughing ]

♪ Hey, hey, hey

♪ Yeah, yeah, hey

Oh, I think you hit
that guy on the head.

Oh, yes, yes, on the head.

[ Guppy ]
Now I'll aim for his children.

♪ And it's different

♪ Something's changed
Something's changed ♪

♪ Something's different

♪ Oh, yeah
Something's changed ♪

♪ It's changed
It's different ♪

♪ Something's different
Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Something's different
For me ?

[ Crowd Shouting ]

♪ Something's changed ♪
[ Shutter Clicking ]

I had such
a wonderful evening.

I've never known
happiness until now.

Guppy,

there's so much we don't
know about each other.

One thing I do know is
you're so handsome, so strong.

You look so pretty
in the moonlight,

so delicate.

Hmm.

[ Bell Dings ]

What ?

It's nothing.
It's nothing.

[ Rodfather ]
All right, jerky.
Take your hands off her.

Looks like
we got some company.

Well, it's a good thing
I always carry my knife !

My... keys
to get in my car.

I got my knife at home.
I use it a lot
in the wood shop.

Back off, wise guys !

Guppy, don't !
Okay.

Daddy ?

I said get close to him.
I didn't say try to lick
the back of his throat.

Come here !

[ Speaking In Italian ]
Get your hands off me !
Ow ! Ow ! My hair.

Come on, punks.
Show me what you got. Oop !

Oop !

Daddy, if you kill him,
I-I'll never talk to you again.

I mean it too !

All right, cupcake.
Boys, don't kill him.

Just make him
wish he was dead.
Oh, yeah !

[ Chain Saw Revving ]
Get back here.

No !
[ Blows Landing ]

Use the jab, the jab.
Give him some low blows,
low blows !

[ Shouting ]

Guppy ! I love you, Guppy !

I love you, man !

[ Chain Saw Idling ]

[ Chain Saw Revving ]

Deja vu.

[ Grunts ]

[ Birds Twittering, Cooing ]

Look at you now,
you little Guppy.

Okay. Could you just
tell her I called ?

Thanks.

[ Guppy Narrating ]
Times were tough.

I hadn't planned on spending
a week in the hospital,

and I hadn't planned on
falling in love with Don Na.

But she was once, twice--
several times a lady, actually.

Even worse, it looked like
she was just lookin' for
a cheap thrill that night,

'cause now she wouldn't
return my calls or my letters...

or my LP collection.

And how do you think I felt
being beat up in front
of the woman I love ?

[ Woman's Voice ]
I felt violated,

emasculated--

like all the dignity
I possessed in the world...

was stripped away in one
bold, life-changing moment.

[ Normal Voice ]
I can't believe
how fast my beard grows.

It's 9:00 p.m.,
and I have to shave again.
I am shaving twice a day.

Where was I ?
Oh, yes.

Now on top of everything else,
I only have one month...

to resurrect the Calzone family
to its days of former glory,

before we're dead broke
and living in the gutter.

What am I gonna do ?

I don't suppose you can
come up with an idea ?

I mean, you've been watchin'
the whole shebang...

and maybe you can come up
with a plan or--
[ Horn Blaring ]

Never mind.
Sorry I brought
the whole thing up.

I'm sorry.
Sorry I bothered you.

That was some fight, huh ?

My knife !
[ Laughing ]

Those guys
really kill me.

Hey ! Hey !

Maybe you'd like to buy
some
Godson
merchandise.

It would mean so much
to poor old Mama.

[ Deep Male Voice ]
Like the Guppy
action figure doll.

[ Normal Voice ]
Bang, bang, bang, Ken !
Bang, bang, bang, Barbie !

Y-Y-Your kids
would love it.

Bang, bang--
Wait ! Ooh !
Oh, watch out !

[ Deep Male Voice ]
Here comes the
Godson dinosaur.

[ Normal Voice ]
Ooh, he loves your ears !

[ Deep Male Voice ]
For 19.95, you can
buy the whole thing.

[ Guppy Narrating ]
Oh, well,
let's get back to work.

Fact is, a couple of my ideas
just hadn't panned out.

But don't worry.

I still have one plan
left up my sleeve.

[ Horn Blares ]

[ Cartridge Clicks Into Gun ]

Let me draw
a map of the bank.

We come in here.
We hit 'em hard here,

and we exit here.

My contact tells me
there's nothin' in there
but liquid gold.

Wads and wads
of liquid gold.

Do you have the escape route
memorized, Mama ?

Okay, what we do is,

we go down Landsdown
and turn right at Davenport.

Unless, of course,
traffic's bad.

Then what you're gonna
want to do is go down
Steele's Avenue.

If you want,
we can go down Wellsley.

It's very scenic,
especially this time of year
when the leaves are falling.

Okay, okay,
I know where it is !

- Ready ?
- Ready !

- Ready.
- Let's do it !

Let's do it !

Let's do it.
[ Cartridge Clicks ]

Everybody
on the floor now !

Get down now !
[ Gunfire ]

Guppy !
This way !

[ Mumbling ]

- Get up !
-Get down !
-Get up !

- Get down.
- Hey, are you guys
rappers or something ?

No, we're your worst
effin' nightmare !
Now get up !

Up, down, up, down !
Make up your minds !
All the money in here now.

But we haven't got any.
Give everything you have
and put it in this bag,

or I'm gonna give you
a bullet sandwich.

But without the bread,
the lettuce and
the mustard, I think.

Mm-hmm. All right, fine.
[ Muttering ]

[ Muttering ]

It's going very well,
I think.
Here.

Thank you very much.
Mm-hmm.

- I'll give you a call sometime.
- Okay.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.
I don't want to be there
when that starts to melt.

I got 'em, sir.
They're robbin' a bank.
I'm goin' after them.

Ooh !

Ooh !

-[ Alarm Ringing ]
- Hmm ?

[ Tires Squeal ]

Hey, hey !
Come back here !

Yeah, it was kind of disgusting
when we found out, actually.

I do-- I do admit that.

Center and insert.

Thank you very much.

♪ Oh, give me a home ♪ Home

♪ Where the buffalo roam ♪ Roam

♪ And I'll show you
a house full of-- ♪

[ Laughing ]

I guess I'm nothin'
but a loser, Pop.

Every single thing I try
fails miserably.

Fails, fails, fails.

[ Fire Blasts ]
No, don't say that.

All you have to do is think
how people are successful,

who are they, and then
duplicate what they do.

Okay, okay.

Who's the best
at stealin' money ?

Politicians
got that down pat.

[ Laughs ]
Politicians.

Maybe that's it !

What would you do
if you were the president ?

First thing I would do
is I would take a run,

stop at McDonald's,
then I would shake people down.

But how does the president
shake people down ?

Oh, that's so easy.
You just rent out
the Lincoln room.

We don't have
a Lincoln room.
There's always a catch.

Fund-raisers.
[ Animal Chattering ]

Bugsy ! Bugsy caught
a live thing !

Wow !
Hi, Bugsy. Wow.

[ Animal Growling ]
Fund-raisers !

That's it !
We'll hold a fund-raiser.

And we'll charge like
$2,000 a plate.
Five thousand.

Ten thousand
dollars.
Twenty thousand.

We'll be rich and famous,
just like in the movies.

Like in the movies, eh ?

- [ Ding ]
- I just got an idea.

[ Guppy Narrating ]
It all suddenly
became clear to me.

I didn't just need
to make us rich again.

I needed to get us
out of this life,
to take the family legit.

Sure a fund-raiser
was a great idea,

but it needed something more
to become a truly great plan.

It needed Hollywood.
♪ Hollywood

[ Birds Cawing ]
Hollywood !

I'll tell you what.
You tell her we pass,

and we're to get
a two-week freebie...

at Camarillo Mental Institute
for Deranged Actors.

Right.
Hold on a minute.

Look. I'm sorry, kid,
to disappoint you,
Groupy, but--

Guppy. Gruppy.

Guppy, Guppy. Guppy.

Let's get somethin'
clear, all right ?

[ Woman Shouts ]
I'm not gonna sell.
Nice talkin' to you.

You be well.
[ Man Shouts ]

I know you're
a reasonable man, Mr. Green. Hold it.

So when you change
your mind, call me.

But I warn you:
My offer expires
the night of the 25th.

[ Mumbling ]

Mr. Green ?
You won't
believe it.

I'm caught in the whirlpool.
I got a wacko in
my Jacuzzi here,

and he's floatin' around
like a goddamn whale.

I don't know what to do.
Could you turn
the whirlpool off ?

Call 911 or something.
Get him outta here.

Is there a knob I can
turn off the whirlpool ?
Let's talk about--

[ Shutter Clicks ]
[ Horse Neighing ]

[ Man ]
Wilbur.
[ Neighing ]

[ Sighs ]

What the hell--

[ Neighing ]

Son of a bitch !

Aw !
[ Echoes ]

[ Echo Continues ]

[ Horn Honks ]

Honey, you forgot
to pay the rent again !

[ Horn Honks ]

Oh.

Nah. Ow !

[ Gunshot, Yelling ]

What happened ?
I shot my
stinkin' ear off !

Oh, honey,
I'm sorry !
Aah !

Wait !
There it is.
Aah !

Sit down.
What ?

I said,
sit down.
I can't hear you.

Oh !
I said, sit down !

I'll grab
some thread.
Ooh ! Ow !

[ Groaning ]

Look, honey !
You got a letter !

Yeah, I can
hear that.
Oh, sorry.

What the hell is--
Ow !
Oh, honey.

I'm sorry, baby.

What the hell is this ?
"Please join me for
a party to benefit the--"

Ow !
Oh, pardon me.
I'm doin' the best
I can here.

"The Retired Mobsters
Association" ?
Ooh.

"Saturday the 25th" ?
Ooh !
Ooh !

"Twenty thousand
dollars a plate" ?
"Cash only" ?

"Please B.Y.O.B." ?
B.Y.O.B.

Oh, "bring your own bitch."
Honey, you can come.
Oh, thank you.

"No cans, bottles,
or semiautomatic weapons."

Aah !

"Sincerely yours,

Giuseppe Calzone."

There.
I'm finished.

It's almost
as good as new.

Twenty thousand
dollars a plate.
He's gotta be nuts !

[ Laughing ]
Fine.

Fine, I'll go to
your stinkin' party.

I'll go to your party,
'cause that's where
I'm gonna get...

what is rightfully mine !

Ow ! Ow ! Ow !
Ooh !

Honey, if it's
$20,000 a person,

where on Earth
are we gonna get--

Two and two,
carry the one.

Thirty thousand dollars,
I ask you ?

Back to the night job.

Yes, sir, I repeat.
They are having
a party celebration.

[ Man ]
The only party I wanna
hear about, fruit lips,

is the one in my pants.

[ Laughing
Lecherously ]

Shut up, sir !
That's it !

I have had enough of this !
I quit !

Forget the law.
This one's personal.

Ow ! What are
you doing ?

For two years you've had me
doing this bullshit.

That's it.
I've had it !
Hoover, I love you !

I can change !
Ow, ow.

Oh, Don Na, my dear,
guess what.

Papa. Oh, Papa.

Let me outta here, Daddy,
please, please !

Now what are you
complaining about ?

You got it better
than everybody. I mean,
look how big your cell is.

Yeah,
it's kind of big.

But there's no
air-conditioning.
So guess what.

It looks like our friend,
Guppy Calzone,
is having a little fiesta.

Guppy ?
You ruined
the master strategy.

Now it's time for plan B.
We whack the son of a bitch !

No, Papa !
Don't do it, Papa !

Por favore !
I love him !

Well, how can you
love a man like Guppy ?
It sounds like a side dish.

"Hey, waiter,
let me have a steak
and a side order of Guppy."

[ Italian ]

Oh, stop complaining.
Meanwhile I'm out there
knockin' myself out for ya.

And I think I can get
a TV put in here for ya.

- No cable.
- No cable ?

Here, I'll tell ya
a story, okay ?

Daddy came over to say hello,
and now Daddy's sayin' good-bye.

No, Papa !

Uh.

[ Italian ]

[ Continues
In Italian ]

- [ Nail Breaks ]
- Oh, damn !

Not again.

[ Guppy Narrating ]
At 20,000 smackeroons a plate,
I was gonna make a fortune.

This was a bigger racket
than a Streisand concert.

It was all
part of my plan,

and the greatest plan
a mobster had ever come up with.

[ Man #1 ]
This house is much bigger
than I would have thought.

Mrs. Sue Honor.
[ Man #2 ]
It's an effin' palace.

[ Beeping ]
Hey, those
are expensive.

Joey "Butta-fooko."

Buttafuoco.
Buttafuoco.

Thank you.
Come over here.

[ Beeping ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Beeping ]

That way,
please.

Mm-hmm.

I like the way
you talk.

I was just thinkin'
how you might like
a can of potted meat.

Pay attention here.
[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

Well, welcome.

Welcome,
one and all.

And also, eh, welcome--
Welcome, one and all.

[ Muttering ]

He's so beautiful.

You don't like
that one, Joey ?
I don't know.

I was in there,
and that dog
just won't hunt.

Mr. President,
how about that one ?

Yeah, I like her.
I got her number.
You want it ?

Sure.
Terrific.

Hey, the twins are here !
And they got a date !

Oh.

It's all poison, fellas.
It's all poison.

I feel your pain, Joey.
I understand.

- [ Whooshing Sound ]
- Hey, Joey !

Aah !

Sure, I'll dance with you.
Sure, sure.

You're light on
your feet, actually.
[ Groaning ]

You don't look so good.
Maybe you should take
a little rest here in the chair.

Sit down.
There.
Aah !

Must be the cannolis.

What's your name, huh ?

Sue.
Sue, huh ?

Well, you can
sue me anytime.

Frito, honey,
we gonna go inside ?

We're just
sittin' out here.

I'd kinda like
to go into the party
and have some fun,

meet your little brother.

Honey.

[ Laughs ]
Boing !

What ? What ? What ?

Yeah, baby, we're gonna
have a swell time--

swell time--
swell time tonight.

[ Whispers ]
A swell time.
Mmm.

[ Kissing Sounds ]
Hey, honey,
you're hurting me.

Would you like to see
my Washington Monument ?

Hmm ?
You pig !

Oh.
I think you've had
one too many, lady.

This way !
Hey, stop it !

That girl's got spunk.
I like a spunky girl.

Sorry about that,
Mr. President.
Don't worry about it.

Would you like some
barbecued pork jowls ?
Okeydokey !

To the pit,
shall we ?

Tara !
[ Sighs ]

I used to live
here once, Goldy.
[ Spits ]

Now, they wouldn't let me
clean their sewer pipes.

[ Spits ]

[ Sue ]
Let go of me,
you incredible hulk !

Ow !
[ Crashing Sound ]

[ Kissing Sound ]

[ Whooshing Sound ]

Capisce ?
Sure.
Thanks.

[ Whooshing Sound ]
[ Groaning ]

Where's the matzo balls ?

We're all out.
What ?

Listen up
and listen good !

I don't wanna hear that
we're outta matzo balls
or any other kind of balls !

What the hell is
happening back here ?

I'm sorry, Guppy.
I'll try harder.

Back to work.

Frito,

I'm so glad
you came.

Hey, you brought a date.
Very nice.
[ Giggles ]

Thanks. I'm Goldy.
Pleased to
meet you, Goldy.

- Say, that's a nice locket.
- Mmm.

Wait a second.

Haven't I seen you before
on 42nd Street ?

I was on my way to...

the Metropolitan Museum.

That's right,
I like the arts.

That's all right, Guppy.
You can say it.

You paid to put
your spanky in my muffin.

But all you wanted
to do was talk.

I like to chat.

So I guess Frito knows
that you're a prostitu--

That you're
a prost-t-t-t-t--

That you're a pro--
That you're a p--

That you're a p--
That's right.
I'm a whore.

You see, I'm the hooker
with a heart of gold.

Every Hollywood movie
has to have one.

And even though
I let perverse,

smelly old men do
whatever they want to my body,

deep underneath
I'm a sweet,

loving, emotionally supportive
young woman with a lot
of smarts and panache.

And of course,
I'm breathtakingly beautiful.

Just an unpolished
diamond, really.

That's really terrific.
I hope everything
works out for you.

Oh, thanks.
I'm sure it will.

And, Frito,
we should talk soon,

mano a mano.

[ Thunder Rumbles ]

Ooh !

- Oops.
- [ Screaming ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Rodfather ]
Remember, you provide
the diversion.

Capisce ?
No, I'm Tony.

Tony Montana.
All right, okay.
All right, okay.

Okay, amigos.
He provides the diversion,
then we go in.

The idea is, we're gonna get
this guy outta the picture.
Know what I mean ?

Then I'll own
the whole city.

Then I'll control uptown,
downtown, Motown.

Capisce ?
I know, your name is Tony.

[ Flatulence ]

[ Sighs ]

My flower's dying.

[ Sniffing ]

Does the word "moderation"
mean anything to you ?

What are you, some kind
of a little sheep, huh ?

Flock you, man.

Well, flock you, too,
pally.

No, no, no, no.
Flock
you,
man !
Flock you !

I think it's time
I showed you the door.
Flock that, man !

Flock that, huh ?
Ow ! Ow !

Aw ! Sugar !
Aw ! Aw ! Look !

Yeah ! Yeah !
[ Mutters ]

Rodfather wants to see
hustle out there, amigos.

I wanna see commitment.

The guys who win are
the ones who play hardest
till the whistle blows,

who takes
a machete to the gut,

even though their
intestines are dripping
all over the floor.

- Are we ready ?
- Ehh--

-Uh-uh.
- I said, are we ready ?

Yeah !
Yeah ! Yeah !

Nobody flocks with me !
[ Saw Buzzing ]

Look at you now,
you little flock ! Huh ?

Uh-- Uh--

Aah !

[ Groans ]

Cool.

[ Beeping ]

Hey, let's put
some life in the party !

- [ Gunfire ]
- ♪♪ [ Music On ]

[ Rodfather
Laughing Hysterically ]

[ Gunfire Continues ]

♪♪ [ Woman Singing Opera ]

Flock you !

Aah !

[ Growling ]

♪♪ [ Opera Continues ]

- Ha-ha !
- [ Screams ]

- Whoo !
- Oh, fonguee.

♪♪ [ Opera Continues ]

- Ooh !
- All right, Freddie.

Ta-da. Phew.

Twenty thousand dollars
from every guest here.

- [ Giggles ]
- Why, thank you, thank you.

♪♪ [ Opera Continues ]

Sign right here,
my boy.

There you are.
[ Chuckles ]

Yes !
Terrific.
Terrific.

[ Groans, Mutters ]

♪♪ [ Opera Continues ]

[ Growls ]

I wouldn't really have
shown those pictures
to anyone, Freddie.

Guppy, I know that.

Don't you understand ?
This is the best thing
that ever happened to me.

[ Freddie ]
That town was
eatin' me alive, anyway.

[ Groans ]
Guppy !

♪♪ [ Opera Continues ]

If you think
the mafia's tough, kid,

wait'll you get
to Tinseltown.

See you in Tahiti,
Guppy. Ciao.

Ow ! Ow ! Ow !
Ow ! Ow !

Oh, uh, I'm sorry.

[ Tires Squeal ]

♪♪ [ Opera Continues ]

All this will be
yours someday.

- [ Groans ]
- [ Growls ]

-Hi-ya !
- Stop !

[ "Stop" Echoes ]

Let's make love,
not war.

[ People Agreeing ]

[ Man ]
Guppy for president !

Guppy ! Guppy ! Guppy !

Guppy for president !

Guppy ! Guppy ! Guppy !

Guppy ! Guppy !

♪♪ [ Soft Music ]

Guppy ! Oh !

[ Italian ]

You didn't answer my calls.
Some of them were
long distance.

Oh, I never received them.
Daddy chained me to a wall.

Oh, thank God.
I thought you'd
forgotten about me,

never wanted to
see my face again.

Oh, Guppy,

that would
never happen.

♪ You're my sweet
little angel ♪

♪ Sent from heaven above

♪ I've never known
a love like this ♪

♪ With an actual
breathing-- ♪

[ Rodfather ]
Hey, cut that out !

You have wronged me, Guppy.
First you hurt my business,
then you take my daughter.

You want uptown.
You want downtown.

Next thing I know, you'll
take a leak in Central Park
and tell me it's your territory.

Guppy,

you have disrespected me.

You have disgraced
the family.

And now you're sleeping
with the enemy.

And you wronged me, too,
little brother.

Me too !
And you owe me
six bucks !

- Four bucks.
- [ Arguing ]

All right, you've all
got grievances.
I get it.

Rodfather,

your daughter is
a perfect woman,
and I love her.

- I love, love, love her.
- Ah, geez.

I love her
so much that...
I love you.

- Hey, stick to her, will ya ?
- How could I not ?

She's in your image.

She got that little
twinkle in her eyes from you.

Your strong,
but soft, cheeks,

the little way
you play with your hair.

Look, he's doing it.
He's doing it.

- I love that little
laugh of yours.
- [ Laughs ]

The cute dent in your chin,
that just kills me.

- There's a lot to love.
-Guppy ?

Hmm ?
Guppy !

Leave him alone, will ya ?
Go ahead, finish.

Where was I ?
I love her, blah, blah, blah.

Yes ! Now, as far as
the business goes,

I got a plan,
a plan for us all.

- What's the plan ?
- I'm takin' the families
legitimate !

[ Gasps ]
That's right !

For the first time,
we can walk the streets
like citizens, not criminals.

We can go to court
for traffic tickets,
not murder one.

We can make love to our women
without charging credit cards.

We can break wind,
not fingers !

Who is this guy ?

We can choke the chicken
and not our enemies' necks.

- We can--
-Basta, basta.
What's the plan ?

Movies, Pop !
Movies !

[ Dog Barking ]

[ Growls ]
Aah !

With the money
we earn tonight,

plus the money you've earned for
the past 50 years of hard work,
I just bought us a company.

[ Man ] Oh, my God !
[ Guppy ]
A movie studio, Pop !

We're gonna be producers.

Hasta--
Hey, Pop !

- Don't shoot !
-Sunny !

- Oh, geez !
- I thought you killed this guy.

I thought I did too.
Why don't you call me
if somethin' goes right ?

I thought you were dead.
I thought he was dead.

How ya been ?
I've been all right, but
I ate worms for six months.

Come here.
Give me a kiss.
It was kinda hard.

You smell like you look.
Maybe we'll hug later.

You should've told me
you were comin' back.
I would've had dinner for ya.

Oh, geez.
What ?
You know, Pop ?

I'm just glad I got
back in time to see the
Calzone family go legit.

The silver screen, Pop.
It's a more brilliant plan than
even I could've come up with.

Just think, we'll make
soft-core porn, erotica,

and we'll sell it
to the Japanese
and then cable !

We'll be rich
again !
My boys--

Do what you want,
Don Calzone, but I can't
forgive these two.

They have betrayed me.
[ Guppy ]
Listen up, Rodfather.

I got an offer for you,

an offer you can't reuse--
retool--

An offer you can't refuel.

- What ?
- What ?

An-- Follow me.

Refuse, refuse.
An offer you can't-- Baby.

So the deal is,
if you win,
you get the girl.

If you win, you get to
electrocute him repeatedly.

Yeah !
Plus you get--

[ Don Pardo ]
A Eureka upright vacuum cleaner,
a 37-cycle dishwasher--

Okay, okay.

The cards are dealt.
Let's play.

The higher card wins.

Each of you gets one chance
to trade in your card.

Or you can keep the one
that was given. Ready ?

[ Chuckles ]

I'll trade.

- [ Laughs ]
- Hit me.

[ Don Na ]
Hey !

- On second thought, I'll stick.
- Show us your cards.

Beat this.
King of spades.

I have a one.

Well, I guess that's the end
of the Calzone family.

[ Man ]
What happened ?

What-- What's going on ?

I don't--
I don't understand.

That's the, uh--
the end of the movie ?

- Yeah.
- Let me ask you something.

Are you retarded ?

Let's, um--
Let's think this through.

Um, think Academy Award.

Platoon. Schindler's List.
Roger Rabbit.

These a-are
complex films,

dark a-and edgy...

and full of irony
and ambivalence.

You know,
I love ambivalence.

It's full of real meaning,
like life.

I love the stuff
with the guy and the--
with the shoes.

But I feel like...
we're missing something.

A message ?

Environmental issues ?

The frailties
of the human heart ?

Dolphins ?

Lesbians.

[ Laughing ]
I mean--

Not in a demeaning
or a derogatory way.

I'm just saying, you know,
like a '90s lesbian:

bright, intelligent,
big tits.

Supermodels.

Supermodels
that like each other.

[ Woman #1 ]
Will you give me a kiss ?

[ Woman #2 ]
I'd love to.

[ Bugsy ]
Say, Boss,
an ace is worth an 11.

I know that.
So that means I have a-- a--

Eleven.
An eleven ?

Hey, I win !

[ Excited Shouting ]

It's all your fault, Dick !

Hey, you're a priest,
aren't you ?

Yes, I certainly am.
Could you marry us ?

Yes !
Oh, yes !

Well,
all righty.

Uh, do you,
um--

Yes !
Oh, yes !

And do you--
You got that right,
pally !

That was easy.

Then by the power vested
in me, I now pronounce ya
mobster and moll.

[ Cheering ]

♪♪ [ Man Singing In Italian ]

♪♪ [ Singing Stops ]

[ Giggles
Nervously ]

Uh, G-Guppy ?
Yes, my precious ?

Guppy ?
Mm-hmm ?

[ Giggles
Nervously ]

Uh--

[ Dishes Crash ]

[ Applause, Whistling ]

[ Guppy Narrating ] And that's
how I became the owner of my
very own Hollywood movie studio.

I've restored the Calzone family
to its former glory...

and taken it legit
along the way.

Here you go.
That's too much.

I've changed my mind.
That's too much.

[ Guppy ]
I'd married the woman I loved,

and I was pretty sure
I was gonna lose
my virginity soon, too.

Anyways,
it all happened...

one crazy
and tumultuous year,

the year of
living dangerously,
some might say.

Come on.
I'll show you around.

We're gonna make Sunny here
an action star !

And action !

[ Tires Screech,
Crashing Sound ]

That wasn't
supposed to happen !

Very bad boy.

Frito was becoming quite
an exciting young director.

Look like you're
enjoying it, Bugsy.

Don't call me that, Frito,
you little pipsqueak !

Perfect.

And the Rodfather ?
Well, he lost the bet,

and he lost
seven million dollars on that
misguided airplane glue deal.

I did give him a job though.
Look at this.
Moppin' floors.

I should've listened
to my parents,

and today I could've been
a body and fender man.

Mama here is the top dog
at the company.

She said she was tired of
cooking and cleaning and such...

and wanted to run a major
motion picture studio,
so I said, "Sure."

Oh !
Hey, take it easy,
will ya ?

And I'm not wearin'
a seat belt.

I'm sorry, Mama Calzone,
but I can't seem to find
today's
Variety
anywhere.

You gonna take this ?
No, I'm not.

[ Oddfather ]
Get outta here.

[ Screaming ]

Pop ! Pop !
Cut it out, Pop !

We're legit now, Pop.
You just can't whack someone
for making a mistake.

Ah, what's the difference ?
She couldn't find
Variety.

I don't think I wanna
work for you people anymore.

Oh, I think you will,

unless you wanna see your
cute little kitty cat...

end up at the bottom
of the Los Angeles River...

with a set of Ginzu knives
in his skull.

Not my little Pippie.

Get to your desk.

We can still whack pets.

[ Cat Screeches ]

♪♪ [ Instrumental ]

Closed-Captioned By
Captions, Inc. Los Angeles

Crapo.
Can I have
one more go ?

I don't feel good
about that one.
That was great.

We loved it.
We got it.
That was fine.

You don't know anything
about comedy.

[ Coughing ]

- [ Quacking ]
- Bufangoo.

Bufalinga.
Bufangin.
No, bufangoo.

Bufangoo.
Bufangha !

You seem to have trouble
with your vowels.

Bufangha !
Bufin !
Bufangoo.

Would you repeat that
for the west coast ?
I'm tryin'.

Bufangoo.
Bufunga !

Fire !

[ Spits ]

Oh, geez.

It was a bigger wound
than I thought.

Don Quixote,
get yourself
a new hat, will ya ?

Here, get a shave too, okay ?
Don't forget, tip the barber.

Somebody make a firing noise.
It's kind of hard to do.
[ Laughter ]

[ Coughing ]

And you, Don Juan, okay ?
Get yourself a broad, okay ?

And just in case you want
two chicks at once,
take that too.

[ Burps ]
Good.

[ Laughing ]

Fly !
Ooh !

It's so hard to talk with
all that shit in your mouth.
[ Laughter ]

Baby.

[ Laughing ]
I think I farted.

[ Laughing ]
I broke my arm.

[ Coughing ]

Who cut the cheese ?

- Bufungeen !
- It sounds like Chinese.
Bufangoo.

Fonguee !
[ Ad-libbing ]

Hey, who left this on ?

[ Man ]
Action !

Sing along with me !

- [ Guppy ] Get up !
- [ Bugsy ] Get down.

[ Goldy ]
Yeah, baby.

[ Oddfather ]
You like comin' here ?

[ Groan ]

[ Guppy ]
You're lookin' at me ?

- [ Guppy ] Get up !
- [ Bugsy ] Get down.

[ Oddfather ]
You like comin' here ?

[ Groan ]

[ Rodfather ]
Guppy Calzone.

I will break him.

I will break him like you break
your little baby's finger !

[ Guppy ]
Come on, mister.
Leave me alone.

[ Oddfather ]
Your mother's ass.

[ Guppy ] You can't make
a sissy into a gangster !
[ Gunshot ]

[ Oddfather ]
Here's the first thing
you ever did.

- [ Guppy ] Get up !
- [ Bugsy ] Get down.

[ Oddfather ]
Get off my foot.

[ Man ]
Sing along with me !

- [ Guppy ] Get up !
- [ Rodfather Laughs ]

- [ Bugsy ] Get down.
- [ Goldy ] Yeah, baby.

[ Oddfather ]
You like comin' here ?

[ Hoover ]
Perfect.

[ Gunshot ]
- [ Guppy ] Get up !
- [ Bugsy ] Get down.

[ Woman ]
Up, down, up, down !
Make up your mind !