The Girl Next Door (2004) - full transcript

How do you want me?

Oh, that's good. Yeah, just...
Just get comfortable.

I'm a little nervous.

You're doing great.

A little to the right there, gorgeous.

- Okay. Like this?
- Oh, that a girl.

Yeah. Okay.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

- You're blushing, Dorothy.
- Don't blush, Kathy.

Oh, Kathy.

Okay, and big smile.



Kathy Regan.

I will always remember...

...the game against Fairfield.

That one final kick.

State champion, senior year.

Hunter McCaffrey.

I will always remember...

...all the great times
with the dirty dozen...

...and macking all the honeys.

Cindy K. Tina B.

Michelle H. Goddamn!

Just too many to remember.

I'll always remember lacrosse champions.

All the glory days with the boys.



I will always remember...

...the math-club madmen...

...making the perfect fake ID's...

...which lasted six seconds

- Troy Cochran.
- Troy Cochran.

- Troy gives good head.
- Fuck you!

I'll always remember...

Seniors!

...the senior prank.

Matthew Kidman.
I will always remember...

Yeah, well, I told you I wanted to try out.

We'd like to honor a student...

...who has shown outstanding leadership.

We have no doubt that he will be one...

...of the great politicians in Washington.

The award for
the brightest leader...

...of tomorrow, Matthew Kidman.

- I'm in! I'm in!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Georgetown!
They gave it to you!

Hey, Jenny.

Yeah, dude, come on.

- Do you have the fever?
- No.

Why? Do you?

I don't know. Maybe.

How about you?

I just gotta fuck something.

I said, everybody say, "Ho!"

You know what I say?

I say, this prom is gonna be
off the hook! Do you feel me?

Security's gonna be tight.
Get wasted before you show up.

That's enough!

That's enough. I can wait.

I can wait, people.

Now, it is your
student-council president...

...who has a few announcements to make.

Thanks, Mr. Salinger.

All right, how you doing?

Okay, let's start off
with Operation Get Samnang.

Sam Young, baby!

Yeah.

Well, we did it.
We raised the 25,000 dollars...

...so now we can bring the genius
Samnang out of Cambodia...

...and bring him here
to study at Westport.

Speaking of which,
Samnang sent us a new tape.

Show that shit!

Show it!

Hi, everyone, it's Samnang.

Sam Young!

I am very excited to be
coming soon. Are you excited?

I told my class that I am coming
to America. They were sad.

I am so happy.

- I wanna bang you!
- Go, Cougars!

How do they just skip class
every day and go to the beach?

Because they just don't care.

Let's go with them.

- Seriously, let's just do it.
- Why?

Because, I mean, we never do anything.

I mean, we're graduating. We
should be going nuts right now.

Let's just do something.

I am doing something,
I'm going to class.

Klitz, you already got into Yale.

I mean, it doesn't matter anymore.

Yeah, Klitz, you pussy.

- Well, why don't you go?
- Yeah, come on. Let's go.

Beach is for fags, man.

- The beach is for fags?
- Yeah.

You know what?
You guys are fags.

Everyone to the beach!

Let's go! Lock them and load them, dude.

Fuck it.

Personal power means
the ability to act...

...the ability to take action.

Three steps to personal power
are necessary for results.

Here's number one step
to personal power.

It's called energy.
Energy.

When you wake up feeling
really lethargic, really lousy...

...do you usually
jump up and go-?

Oh, shit.

Hey! Pull it over!

Pull it over! Pull-

Oh, well, you're home early.

I postponed yearbook.
I gotta work on my speech

- Hi, Mr. Peterson.
- Mr. President.

- Mrs. Peterson.
- Congratulations.

- Oh, thank you.
- Congratulations. Georgetown.

Wow, you must be flying.

It's cool.

What's the speech
you're working on?

Oh, it's for this scholarship
I need to get so I can...

...actually go to Georgetown.

It's pretty expensive.

What kind of scholarship is it?

What do they give it for?

It's for the student who best
demonstrates moral fiber.

Oh, moral fiber. Well, that's-

- Oh, I'm sure you'll get it.
- Thanks. I mean, I hope so.

I mean, there's some stiff Competition...

...and they only pick one of us...

...so I'll just have to blow
them away with my speech.

Okay, so why do I deserve
this scholarship?

...can do for you
but what you can do..."

John F. Kennedy once said,
"Ask not what

Look, I don't know
who she is.

I'm just saying that
this girl was unbelievable.

I mean, she was
like this angel.

I mean, she had this smile.
I mean, you should have seen it.

- So did you bang her?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. I banged her.

That's what a man does,
okay?

- Yeah. Okay, Eli.
- Good.

Oh, my God. She's so hot.

- What channel, dude?
- No, the girl next door.

I can see her through
my window.

How's the rack?

- God, who is this girl?
- How's the rack?

- Hold on. Relax.
- No. You relax.

Be a man and go over there.

Okay. Say what?

I don't know. Get off your
ass and do something. Fuck!

- Hey, what are you doing?
- What?

Hey, dude, seriously,
I told you...

...it really freaks me out
when you watch that while...

...you're talking to me.

Just learn to like it.

Oh, my God.

What? Matt, what?

Matt!

Dude, what the fuck?

Shit!

- Yes?
- I'm sorry.

- Dan.
- What's going on?

Matthew!

Matthew, come down here.

- What are you doing up there?
- Nothing.

Come down here.

This is Danielle.

You know Mrs. Clark from
next door. Danielle's her niece.

Danielle just told us
something very interesting.

Mrs. Clark is in Africa for
two weeks with her church group.

Did you know that?

Anyway, Danielle just came
in from Los Angeles...

...and she's housesitting
while her aunt's away.

Why don't you show
her around.

Such a long road, you know.

- What are we doing?
- Did you like what you saw?

What are you talking about?

Okay, I saw you for,
like, an instant.

- An instant?
- Yeah.

It was no big deal.

No, no, it was- It was a
big deal, but it's just that...

I didn't...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

So, what are we gonna
do about this?

I mean, I said I was sorry.

What?

You saw me...

Yeah, right, like I'm gonna
strip right here?

Are you serious?

No.

No. No, never gonna happen.

The whole package.

No, come on,
this is good enough.

Jesus! Come on,
will you relax?

Frigging psycho.

There. You happy now?

Yep.

Hey! Wait!

No!

Jesus. Sorry.

You're an asshole.
It's not funny.

It's a little funny.

Come on.

Let me in. Let me in.

It's not funny.

It's a little funny.

So, what else do you do
besides torture people?

- Seriously, what's your story?
- I don't know.

I kind of just quit my job.

I want to start over.
Maybe go to college.

So are you here
alone or what?

- What?
- Just ask.

Do you have a boyfriend?

No.

Aren't you gonna ask me
if I have a girlfriend?

No. 01:18:45.04
:18:46.13
Okay.

So you're about to graduate.
You must be going nuts right now.

Yeah.

I mean, it's just been
off the hook, you know?

- Really?
- Yeah.

So, what's the craziest thing
you've done lately?

Oh, I mean, it's hard to tell,
you know, because we-

I've just done so much
nuts stuff. I mean...

It's just off the hook,
off the walls. I mean...

You haven't done anything,
have you?

No.

It's kind of- It's kind
of been my problem lately.

Come on, there's gotta
be something.

What about your girlfriend?

Okay.

We can figure this out.
You just need a girl.

What kind of girl?

Definitely someone cute.

Definitely.

Someone who can make
him laugh.

But he also needs someone
who's gonna push him.

Someone who's gonna
make him do...

...things he never thought
he could do.

Like stripping
in the middle of the street?

- Well, thanks for the ride.
- No problem.

Well...

...good night.

Good night.

"Good night"?
What are you, gay?

- I would have nailed her.
- Ok, you wouldn't have nailed her.

- Whatever, dude.
- And, you know, secondly...

...you know,
the vibe was not right.

The vibe wasn't right? She comes
to your house and makes you strip.

What does she have to do,
sit on your face?

Come on, bitch.

- Damn. Should have kissed her.
- Are you okay? Dude?

All right, you all have
this graph, correct?

Good. Let's move along then.

Now, it's a very simple
equation here.

Somebody give me
the answer to this.

All right, if no one knows
the answer to this...

Looking at this calculation,
what does this make us think of?

Questions on this?

Good news, ladies and gentlemen.
Pop-quiz time.

That's Samnang Sok.
He's this complete genius.

So we raised all
this money for him...

...to come here and
study at our school.

- Who's "we"?
- Well, I mean, I did...

...but he could be
the next Einstein, you know.

You know,
he could cure cancer.

Let's go.

So, what do you wanna do?

What?

I'm not stripping again.

Come on.

Danielle!

Come on.
Where are you going?

Hey, come on,
let's get out of here.

How do you know
no one's home?

- I don't.
- Come on.

Seriously, this is nuts.

Oh, boxers.

I always wear boxers. You just
caught me on a weird day.

So, what's the craziest thing
you've done lately?

This is right up there.

Oh, my God.

- That's Mr. Salinger.
- Who?

That's my principal.
Seriously, let's go.

- It's not funny.
- It's a little funny.

Hey.

Just go with it.

Dude, I'm kind of uncomfortable
watching this with you.

Dude, learn to like it.

I'm all wet. Can I come in?

Hey, guys. This is Danielle.

You must be Eli. And Klitz.
Right.

Hey, come on,
we're all going out.

- Can I use your bathroom first?
- Oh, it's over here to the left.

- Dude.
- I know.

Dude.

I know.

- Dude, what are we doing here?
- Yeah, I know.

Guys, seriously, it's gonna get...

...broken up, like,
any second now, right?

Guys?

- Get the fuck out of here!
- Sorry.

Go.

- So, what do you wanna do?
- Let's just chill.

Hi, guys.

- Is this your party?
- No, it's a friend of mine's.

- I'm Hunter.
- Danielle.

This is Matthew.

- Hey, Matt, what's up?
- What's up?

Can I get you something to drink?

- Yeah.
- Hey, man, what's up?

- Can you come here for a second?
- Yeah.

No, it's cool. They're pals.

What's up?

Yeah, man, this party's
getting kind of full, bro.

- Yeah, so?
- So you're gonna have to take off.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Okay, but I'm with her.
I mean-

Oh, it's cool, dude.
She's taken care of.

There's the door.

Yo, man!

When's Samsung getting here?

- Samnang.
- Yeah!

I love him.

Dude, I'm gonna do that little
guy when he gets here.

Hard.

Cool, dude.
I'm sure he'll like that.

Sam Young!

Excuse me.

- Dude.
- I know.

- What?
- You're coming with me. Right now.

Everybody out. Let's move.

I said out, minions! Move! Move!
Faster, you little maggots.

- So how's everything going?
- Fine.

Is everything, you know,
okay at home?

All right, what?

Perhaps you should have a seat.

Perhaps you should bite me.

Perhaps.

Matthew...

...we live in a crazy,
mixed-up world.

Crazy, but, oh, so beautiful.

Excellent, grasshopper.

And now for the final task
of your training.

You're gonna need a harder piece
of wood than that, cowboy.

- That's not her.
- Yeah, it is.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.

Matt! Matt! Dude, you're
missing the best part.

Fuck! Fuck!

Settle down, tiger.
I know. I know.

It's not funny.
Seriously, get away from me.

- Dude, don't mess this up.
- Mess what up?

Matt, she's a porn star,
okay?

Take her to a motel room
and bang her like a beast.

Eli, I like this girl.

And you can still like her
with your penis inside her.

I'm telling you,
you're gonna regret this.

What would JFK do?
You know he'd tap that ass.

Eli, I'm never gonna
see her again.

Oh, you know what? Fine.

- Fine.
- Fine!

Goddamn it, Matt.

I swear to God, if you don't
fuck her, I'll kill myself!

Matt, please. Please, Matt.
Fuck her for me. For me!

- Oh, Marci, you're so funny.
- Oh, thanks.

- I just saw you naked.
- What?

Don't worry, honey,
you were only 2 days old.

- Let's see what else we have.
- Why are you here?

I just came here to say hi.

Hi.

Look at this one of him.

Hey, buddy.

- That one's the best.
- It is. He looks so adorable.

He looks really-
Oh, that's such a good one.

- Here you go, Danielle.
- Oh, thanks.

- Thatta girl.
- This is a cute one.

Oh, who's your daddy?

So you were going to school
in Los Angeles?

For a while. But then I started
working on other things.

Oh, what kind of things?

Let me show you.

Jesus!

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I don't know, I...

I don't feel so good.

What can I do to make you feel better?

I think I'm feeling
a lot better now.

- We can go out another night.
- No, we're going out tonight.

- You sure?
- Positive.

- I don't know if I can do this.
- Yes, you can.

But tonight, be the man.

First off, act like
you don't even like her.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Second, get her drunk.
Really drunk, okay?

That way the true porn star
will come out in her.

Here, I... I got us something.

Bourbon?

- Are you trying to get me drunk?
- No, what?

- I thought you like to rock.
- "Like to rock?"

Last and most important...

...always be touching her,
Matt.

That tells her you came here
to get down tonight.

What are we doing?

Just chilling.

Hey, look.

Maybe we should get a room.

Okay.

Here it is.

This is- This is really nice.

TV.

Air conditioner.

Got a little lamp there.

Is that Monet?

What?

- What are you thinking?
- What are you thinking?

I don't know.

Do you wanna fuck me?

Come here.

How do you want me?

Why are you doing this?

What?

This.

Isn't this what you want?

To fuck a porn star
in a cheap motel room?

So this is what
you think of me.

- Danielle, wait. I'm sorry.
- Let me guess.

You saw a tape,
and you thought:

"What the hell?
She does it for a living, right?"

- Eli told me to do it.
- Oh, now that's a mature response.

- Why didn't you just tell me?
- Because I didn't want to, okay?

Because I loved the way
you looked at me.

God, do you have
any idea how-?

Forget it.

- Hold on.
- Fuck you.

You're done.

Look, I'm an idiot, okay?
I saw the tape, and I freaked out.

Hi. I'm coming in.
Can I come in?

Look, I've just
been crazy lately.

I mean, the whole scholarship
thing, you know, I mean...

It's killing me, you know?

But I'm not even
thinking about that.

The only thing I care about
is you, you know?

All I want is just for us
to go back to normal again.

It's a real nice place
you got here, D.

I...

Can we...

...talk about this later?
- Yeah.

Sure.

I like that.

- What?
- What you said in there.

Thanks.

Kelly.

Matthew.

- So you're friends with D, huh?
- Yeah.

Well, we're-
We're kind of going out.

Look at you.
You are a forest fire.

- Are we going?
- Yeah.

You coming with us?

- Where are you going?
- Can't. He's got school tomorrow.

No, no, I'm cool.
Like, where are we going?

Hey, there.
What can I get for you?

We'll get two Scotch
rocks and...

Make it three. Actually, I'll
have a Long Island iced tea.

So, what grade are
you in, man?

I'm a senior.
But I'm about to graduate.

Congratulations. What's next?

Georgetown, hopefully.

- Matthew wants to be president.
- Really?

- That's great, man.
- Yeah.

How do you
two know each other?

How do we know each other?

- We used to work together.
- So you're, like, an actor?

No. Strictly producer.

But D and I also used to go out.
Excuse me a sec.

So you guys went out?

Thank you.

Look, can we just talk?

Talk.

I don't know if this
is really the place.

- Why? What's wrong with it?
- No, nothing. It's fine, you know.

It's one of my favorites.

Hey, you got one for me?

- What are you doing?
- What?

Here.

And you turn it like so:

- Hey, where are you going?
- The bathroom. Is that okay?

Yeah.

So you're really into her,
huh?

Hey. I get it, man, believe me.
She's gorgeous.

I just think you'd want
someone more your age.

- She's my age.
- Yeah, I meant experience-wise.

No offense.

Don't worry about it.
I'm gonna take care of you.

Oh, my God.
That's Mr. Peterson.

That's my dad's
friend.

He comes over all
the time with his wife.

Really?

Hey, Peterson.

What? Dude,
what are you doing, man?

Yeah, you. Get over here.

Goddamn, Peterson, haven't
seen your black ass in ages.

- Do I know you?
- What the fuck's your problem?

- I...
- Just fucking with you, man.

Hey, you know my friend
Matty here, right?

- Matthew. Hi.
- Peterson, this is Matty's first time.

Why don't you buy him a dance.

So did you hear about
that scholarship yet?

No, big dinner's on Thursday.

So, what's it for again?

The scholarship.

It's for...

...moral fiber.

Me? A Teenage Daddy?

Who is this guy?
Is he a porn producer?

Klitz, shut up.
Now, the strippers.

When you get a lap dance, were they
cool with you grabbing their ass?

Dude. I'm trying to talk
about Danielle here.

Fine. Selfish bitch.

For teenagers, sexual intercourse
can be dangerous.

Jesus, what hack made this?

I could make a better sex-ed
film with my mom.

Why don't they update this thing?

Special events,
such as your senior prom...

...place added pressure on young
teens to lose their virginity...

...and also engage
in unprotected sex.

9 months later...

- Hello?
- Hey, Bob.

We're all going
to the creek tonight.

It's gonna be a gas.
You're coming, right?

I can't, guys.

I have a baby now.

Because of prom.

Dude.

- What?
- Yeah, right.

- You guys ever thought about it?
- No.

I just think you guys
would be really hot.

- You girls are 18, right?
- I am.

- I will be in a month.
- Really?

- You ever been photographed?
- A couple of times.

Hey, you guys know Matty?

I hung with him last night.
Guy's the tits.

Here's my man.

- How you doing?
- What's up, fellas?

Matty, you didn't tell me
you got some serious burners...

...at your school here.

Oh, shut up.
You did not say that

Hey, you know who's got
the killer bud?

This fucker right here.

- What are you talking about?
- Yeah, come on.

Yeah, you have some?

Yeah, come on.

- Holy shit.
- You guys should party.

- Can I-?
- All right, we're out.

- Hold on a sec.
- Where are you guys going?

- We got things to do.
- Do you wanna hang out?

- Hop in, fellas.
- Aren't you gonna photograph us?

Always leave
them wanting more.

Punch it!

Man, there is
some talent here.

You get those girls together
with those ass-bags there...

...shoot them humping at,
like, a football...

...game or at a prom,
that video would sell.

Fuck, I'm good!

How do I get these ideas?
It's like a gift, you know?

It's like I can't control it.

So, what are we doing, man?

You know, you really didn't
have to come with me.

It's cool.
I like running errands.

So you raised 25 G's just
to bring this Chinese guy over.

No, he's Cambodian.

Okay, so that's 25,000
total deposited...

...into the Operation
Get Samnang account.

Hey, so you raised
all the money you needed.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

So is this Samnang
really as smart as they say?

Well, he did teach himself
calculus without even using...

...his textbooks, so...

Those crazy little fuckers, man.
They sure know their numbers.

Jeannie, this is my-
This is my student advisor.

Oh, you're Mr. Salinger?

Just here to make sure
everything's up to par. Wow.

- What?
- I love those earrings.

Oh, thank you.

They really complement your coloring.

Thanks. I just got back
from Cabo.

- Did you?
- Yeah.

Okay, well, we gotta go.
Thanks, Jeannie.

Man, what were you doing-?

There's a bar,
you sit with the people.

You have been there.

- See? I knew it.
- No, no.

- This guy is unbelievable.
- You.

- Where you guys going?
- Vegas, baby.

We got the convention. Gotta press
the flesh, meet the fans.

So that's it?
You're just going back?

I don't belong here.

What do you-? What do you mean?
What about starting over?

This is what I am.

All right, D, let's roll.

- Dude, it's not your fault.
- No, it is my fault.

If I hadn't been such a dick and
taken her to that motel room...

Yeah, it was a little forward,
don't you think?

- Dude.
- What?

Matt, the point is,
she made her decision.

There's nothing
you can do about it now.

Yeah, there is.

- Hey, Dad?
- Don't wait up.

- I'll be late tonight.
- I'll watch it tomorrow.

- Shark Week is all week long.
- God, I just wanna bang hot chicks.

- Move it.
- Sorry.

Big smile.

- Sasha!
- Sasha!

- Yo, man, no press.
- No, no. No, I'm not press.

I'm still in high school,
okay?

This is for my high school
video yearbook.

I swear to God.

That's right, bitch.

Jesus, is that her?

Athena.

Give me a second, guys.

- Athena!
- Athena!

- Danielle.
- Athena! Athena!

- Danielle.
- Come on! Athena, right here!

- Work it, Athena.
- You are so hot, Athena.

- Look, I'm sorry. I had to come.
- Asshole, I'm next.

- I feel like this is all my fault.
- Who is this guy?

- Will you at least look at me?
- Bend over.

You're the best thing that
ever happened to me, okay?

- Me too!
- Oh, Danielle.

He's so sweet.

Danielle.

Nice job, dickwad.

- Danielle.
- Hey, man, get me out of this thing.

- Take me with you, dude.
- Danielle.

Just leave me alone, please.

Danielle.

- Danielle, Danielle.
- Hugo, hi.

Look at you.
You look fantastic.

Just starting out,
and everyone knows your name.

No, they don't.

- So how's Kelly treating you?
- Okay.

Just okay?

Danielle, what do we know?

What do we know? We know
that you should be with me.

At the top.
Where the air is crisp.

- Nice tan.
- Kelly.

- What do we say?
- Fuck you.

Always with the big words.

Danielle,
where the air is crisp.

- What does that mean?
- Nothing. He's just being Hugo.

Matty. What are you doing here?

Look, Kelly, no offense, but I
really don't think Danielle...

...wants to be here right now.

Matthew, please just go home,
okay?

Hey, D.

I'm sorry, man. Come on.
Let's get out of here.

What's up?

It's not cute anymore.

- What?
- Stop filling her head with that-

- Do not piss me off.
- Hey, I thought we were friends.

Friends don't fuck
with each other's business.

And that's what this is,
my fucking business.

What?

What are you gonna do?

Yeah, that's what I thought.
Stay the fuck away from her.

Matt, seriously, man,
it's 2:00 in the morning.

What about your thing tomorrow?
Okay, the scholarship dinner?

Sorry, I gotta do this.

Oh, by the way, if things get
bad, just bolt, okay?

What? What do you mean,
"if things get bad"?

Just bolt.

Wait, what's he
talking about?

You wanna get me a drink?
No, I'm just kidding.

Hi.

Dude...

...am I ugly?

What? No. No, man,
you're fine. Just relax.

No, I'm ugly. I know it.

- So, what do you guys do?
- I get freaky.

- We're directors.
- Really?

Would you guys ever wanna
use me in one of your movies?

Hell, yeah, we'll use you.

Baby, I'll do things to you
I wouldn't do to a farm animal.

- What the fuck did you just say?
- Honey. These guys are directors.

- And they wanna use me.
- Use you?

Guys, this is my boyfriend,
Mule.

Hi, Mule.

Let's do it.

Man, you gotta use my girl, bro.
She's so good.

I am. I really am.

- You wanna give her a throw?
- Yeah, try me out.

No, you know, no, I'm okay,
though, thank you.

Well, come on.
At least feel her tits.

I'm okay. I can't.
Thank you, though.

Fuck it. I'll feel one.

We're all set for tomorrow.

Athena will be there,
ready to shoot. Right, babe?

Not bad, huh?
Suckers cost me 6 grand.

Yo, Mule, what the hell
are you doing?

Steel, check it out, man.
These guys are directors.

Man, these punks ain't
directors.

They're in high school,
you idiot.

Okay, here's the thing-

Oh, shit!

- Come on, Klitz, come on.
- Get off.

Matty, time to go, time to go.
Time to go.

- What happened?
- It got bad. Bolt. Bolt!

- Dude, wait up.
- Fuck you, dude!

Excuse me.

I just wanna let you know,
I know who you really are.

And you're better than this.

Yeah?

Need a ride to school?

It's all you now. I mean,
now you can do whatever you want.

Why do you believe
in me so much?

I don't know. Maybe I'm stupid.

- Good luck tonight.
- Thanks.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Will you go to prom with me?

What?

I would love to.

Now for the scientific
explanation. Anybody?

That's your speech?

Yeah.

You ready for tonight?

Hey, don't worry, man.
You're gonna be great.

I have to be.

That bitch can't just
run away because...

...she don't wanna fuck
on film anymore.

May I help you?

- Get up.
- Okay, okay.

Stay in school.

Look, I have the most important
dinner of my life tonight...

...so wherever we're going,
you know...

...we just have to be
home by 6.

Just so you know.

Here he comes.

- It's a cool ride, huh?
- Yeah, if you're a fag.

- Jesus!
- It's cool, it's cool.

Get in.

- Where are we going?
- I thought you were cool, man.

I tried to be your friend,
and what do you do?

- You fuck me.
- I didn't fuck you.

She didn't show up on set
because of what you said.

Now I'm out 30 grand.

- Guess who's paying me back.
- What? I don't have 30 grand.

- Get your folks to help.
- They don't have that kind of money.

Look, Kelly, I'm a problem solver,
all right? This is what I do. Okay?

Let's just- Let's just think
outside of the box here.

Look, she'll get a job,
I'll keep mowing...

...lawns, and over time
we'll pay it down.

You know? This can work.
We can do this.

It'll be like a payment plan.

- You really care about her, huh?
- Yeah, I really do.

Yeah, I don't know. If I'm gonna
do this payment-plan thing...

...I need a show of good faith,
you know?

- Something concrete.
- Well, like what?

A blowjob.

No. I told you she's not gonna
do that anymore.

Who said anything about her?

Yeah, we're definitely
outside the box now, huh?

Now, you gotta ask yourself,
how far are you willing to go?

How much do you
really care about her?

I'm joking, man.

Relax.

- Damn. Do I look gay to you?
- No, but, Jesus-

You wanna be president?

Let me tell you the first
rule of politics:

Always know if the juice
is worth the squeeze.

You know what that means?
It means you don't steal my girl...

...unless you're ready
to accept the consequences.

All right, I'm sorry, okay?

That's gonna swell up like
a bitch. Here, take this.

I'm telling you,
it's gonna hurt like shit.

I'm sorry I got upset.
I felt taken advantage of.

Look, I'm not gonna be a dick.
I know she loves you.

I'm gonna leave you guys alone.

But now you're doing
something for me.

Remember that ass-bag, Hugo,
from the convention?

We used to be partners
a long time ago.

One day, I had this killer
idea to make films set...

...in real-life situations.

You know, Real World porn.

I told the idea to Hugo.
He says he'll think about it.

And what does
that motherfucker do?

Takes my best girl, starts
his own company with my idea...

...and the guy makes millions.

It's not the money
that pisses me off.

I mean, fuck,
it does piss me off...

...but that's not it.
It's the perception.

Everybody thinks Hugo's
the genius. It was my idea.

It's like he's Simon,
and I'm Garfunkel.

Look at me, man.
I'm fucking Garfunkel.

- Look, seriously, I can't do this.
- Don't be a pussy. Nobody's home.

- Why do you want this thing so bad?
- Because it should've been mine.

- I'll grab it and leave.
- You don't understand...

...I have to be at
a dinner in an hour.

My whole life depends on it.

You want me out
of Danielle's life?

Yes, I do.

- Then let's go.
- But wait, seriously.

Sometimes, if you wanna do
something good...

...you gotta do
something bad.

Yeah, but this is breaking
and entering.

This is politics.

Hey.

After this, we're cool, okay?

You're all right, man.

Yes.

I'd like to report a robbery.

Bang me.

Cradle the balls.

Stop! Stop! Help me!

Help! Oh, fuck!

Wait!

Come on!

Okay, so what time
does the dinner start?

Six o'clock.

- Why? What time is it now?
- 6:30.

- Oh, my God.
- Dude, don't worry, all right?

We'll get there.
You know what? Try and-

- Dude, what are you doing?
- I don't know. I just...

...feel so good.

Oh, my God.

I just feel so weird.

Don't worry.
Ecstasy is not that bad.

- What?
- Kelly likes dosing people with E.

Oh, my God. Am I gonna die?

No, no, no. It's okay, Matt.
You're gonna be fine. I promise.

You're such a good friend, Klitzy.
I love you.

I love you so much.

This is gonna be amazing.

Wait a second.

Oh, my God.

You don't understand. It's
really kicking in right now.

Just try not to talk
so much, okay?

Talk so much?
I'm giving a speech.

- It's okay. Just go with it.
- Wait, wait.

In a few minutes, we'll begin
the speeches, and we hope...

Thank you again
for coming to what...

...promises to be a
very eventful evening.

Matthew Kidman?

My competition.

- Hey, what's up, Ryan?
- Jesus, what happened to you?

Just living life, my man.

Mina, how are you?

Okay. Just a little nervous.

But you're a little temptress,
though, aren't you?

Hey, buddy. How you doing?

Hey. Thanks a lot,
thanks a lot.

Hey, there's the big daddy.

Matthew, what has been
going on with you?

Some serious shit.

But, Jesus, man,
it's good to see you.

Will you excuse us, please?

Oh, my God.
Am I blowing it?

Just try and control yourself.

- Just breathe, okay?
- All right.

I have learned a lot
from my teachers.

But my best teacher
has always been my mother...

...a woman who worked three
jobs trying to support me...

...ever since
I was a little niña.

I will never forget the day
she said to me:

And that is why I have always
tried to answer the call...

...of the great
John F. Kennedy...

...who urged us to
"Ask not what your country"-

Let's see here...

I can't speak a
foreign language...

...so that's out.

And I- I certainly
can't quote J.F.K. Now...

...can I, Ryan? You know what?

It's funny, I have this whole
speech prepared...

...and I've been
practicing for weeks...

...but you know what?

I'm just gonna go with it.

Moral fiber.

So, what is moral fiber?
I mean...

It's funny, I used to think
it was always telling the truth...

...doing good deeds.

You know, basically
being a fucking Boy Scout.

But lately, I've been seeing
it differently.

Now I think that moral
fiber's about...

...finding that one thing
you really care about.

That one special thing
that means more...

...to you than anything
else in the world.

And when you find her...

...you fight for her.
You risk it all.

You put her in front of
everything...

...your future, your life...

...all of it.

And maybe the stuff you do
to help her isn't so clean.

You know what?
It doesn't matter.

Because in your
heart you know...

...that the juice
is worth the squeeze.

That's what moral
fiber's all about.

First, I'd just like to commend
the candidates on...

...their impressive remarks.

This year was a
very tough decision.

And as much as we'd love to give
you all scholarships, we can't.

And so I am proud to announce
the winner...

...of this year's
Sheridan scholarship:

Ryan Winger.

Oh, God, what happened?

Yeah, I slipped.

Listen, Jeannie,
Samnang's coming on Monday.

- I know. How exciting.
- Yeah.

So I'm gonna need
to close out the account.

What do you mean?

I mean I'm gonna need
to close out the account.

- But it's already closed.
- What are you talking about?

Your teacher came by yesterday
and cleared out the account.

Who? What- What teacher?

Your student advisor.
Mr. Salinger.

The one you were
with the other day.

Mr. Salinger? What are you-?

Cambodia

Samnang, what's wrong, my son?

That Matthew Kidman.

He fucked me, Mom.
He fucked me so bad.

Son of a bitch.

Oh, my God.

- What's wrong?
- Jeannie...

...didn't you ask
for ID or anything?

You said he was
your student advisor.

Oh, my God.

- Jeannie, where are you going?
- To get the manager.

No, hold on.
Wait, wait, wait.

Matthew, what's going on?

Look...

...that guy wasn't
my student advisor.

No, I know, I know.
I can get the money back.

We just need to keep this
between me and you for now, okay?

That's a great blouse, by the way.
Have you lost weight?

No? No, wait, wait.

Jeannie.

You think about this.
This is your fault too. Right?

You didn't ask for ID.
You didn't do anything.

And I saw you flirting
with him too...

...all right?
So unprofessional.

You'll lose your job
over this.

Don't threaten me,
you little shit.

I could give a fuck about you
and your rice boy.

I'm not getting fired.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
Just- Please, I...

Just- No one can ever
find out about this.

If this gets out, I'll be expelled.
My life will be over.

If that money isn't
back by Monday...

...I wouldn't worry about
being expelled.

I'd worry about going to jail.

- Jeannie...
- Hi, Jeannie.

Hi, Martin.

Matthew, what's wrong?

Matt, is there something
you want to talk about?

Matthew, honey, what is it?

- Hi.
- Come here.

I'm in so much trouble.

I can't believe
we're even thinking about this.

Well, if you need that kind
of money by Monday...

Yeah- What are we doing?

I mean, I can't get you
involved in this.

I want to do it.

Why?

Moral fiber.

I'm in.

You haven't heard
the whole plan yet.

Doesn't matter.

Fuck film school.

This is gonna be huge.
This is gonna be my calling card.

- No.
- Klitzy...

- No way.
- Klitz...

...you know I wouldn't ask for
this unless I really needed it.

Matt believe me,
I want to help you, but- No.

- We'll get expelled and-
- Klitz, shut up.

Do me a favor, okay?

Take a look at us, okay?
Take a good look at us.

Do you know what we are,
the three of us?

- What?
- We're a fucking tripod.

- A tripod?
- Yeah.

And you know what that means?

That means that if you kick out
one of our legs, then we all fall.

Come on, baby.

Fuck.

I know it was you, Klitzy.

- Where is she?
- Oh, there they are. Hey.

- Hey!
- Hi, Danielle.

Hi.

- Hey, let's get our luggage!
- Yeah.

- Yeah!
- All right?

- I'll be there in a minute.
- Okay!

So if I pull this off,
I get the 25 grand on Sunday?

Kid, you pull this off I'll
take care of your little Samsung.

Samnang.

Whatever.

Have a nice prom, kid.

- All right, minions, over here.
- Good luck.

Relax, relax.

You know what?
Go wait in the car. Go.

Jesus.

Gentlemen, these are your
prom dates, April and Ferrari.

Ladies, we have Eli and Klitz.

Your name is Klitz?

With a K.

Okay, get a two-shot. Minions.
All right, guys, get closer.

Yeah, that's right. Show me
the love. Oh, feel it. Feel it!

- Nice.
- Eli?

Do those girls go to your school?

Actually, no.

Mrs. Kidman...

...they're porn stars.
- Oh, yeah, right.

You look...

You- You look really nice.

Thanks.

You really do, hon.
You look so beautiful.

Really?

Thanks.

What are all these cameras for?

For video yearbook.

So, what should we do?
Should we start setting up?

Yeah, look, we just gotta
keep this low-key, okay?

Okay. What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna get our actors.

- Dude, make sure they can act.
- Yeah, all right.

- Just get out of here, okay?
- Hey, I got this taken care of.

You just show this little lady
a good time tonight, all right?

- Minions, let's move.
- Wait. So, what are we doing?

Relax, relax.

Come on, play it cool, play it cool.

Look, they're coming to you.

I, Matt.

- What's up?
- What's up?

- Can we talk to you for a second?
- Dude, I'm with my girl here.

- Sorry, man.
- Should we come back?

No, I'll leave you guys alone.

What's up?

Hey, man, what's up
with those girls?

- What about them?
- Are they, like...?

Are they porn stars?

- Yeah.
- Shit.

I knew I recognized them.
I knew it.

- Can we meet them?
- Yeah.

How'd you boys
like to be in a movie?

- What are these?
- Your scripts.

Sign the release form at the top.

Come on, you guys, wait up!

Are these our actors?

Just these two.

What about me, dude?

Sorry, bro.
Party's all full.

Gentlemen.

As an artist, I want it
to come from a truthful place.

Holy shit.

- Ferrari. Ferrari. Focus. Listen.
- Oh, okay.

- Are we...?
- No, I can do this. Don't worry.

Think Meryl Streep, Sophie's Choice.

Hey.

Hey.

Next location! Come on, move!

Move, move, move! Let's go!

- I gotta be in this.
- Shut up. Take this.

Oh, come on! Take the pain!

Take the pain!
Get up. Come on!

May I have a word with you?

- What's up?
- I found this in the hallway.

Do you know what this is?

No, what is it?

Looks like a release form for something.

Yeah, I don't know what it is.

Have a good night.

You're strong.

You're firm.

But you have a secret.

Show that to me.

Thank you.

For what?

I never went to prom.

Excuse me, sir?

We have a problem.

- What's wrong?
- Derek didn't work out.

- What happened?
- Let's just say he wasn't strong...

...or firm.

Guys, I can't work like this.

Okay, relax.
We'll just get somebody else.

There is nobody else.

I thought everyone's dying to be in this.

Not this scene.

All right.

This is the key scene.

If we don't get this,
Hugo's not gonna buy it.

Yeah, well, somebody's gotta step up.

- Why are you looking at me?
- Because you're doing it.

Whoa, whoa,
Mr. I-Just-Wanna-Bang-Hot-Chicks.

Here's your first chance.

Klitz, I can't act and direct, okay?

Oh, okay, fine. I'll direct.

- You're a director now?
- Yeah, I am.

Okay, Spielberg, what lens will you use?

- It's a video camera.
- So?

Dude, you don't need to change
the lens on a video camera.

You know what? Take this camera
and shove it up your ass!

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

You guys have been great,
but this is my mess.

- I'll clean it up.
- Matt. Matt.

Your face is gonna be in this.
Think about that.

- Come here, baby.
- Let's...

Picture's up, people.

Are you ready, hon?

Yeah.

Okay, let's do this.

And...

...action.

What the hell
is going on in here?

- Nobody move!
- Oh, shit.

Who is in charge of this?

I asked you people a question!

Who is in charge here?

Fuck it.

All right, everybody, take five.

What's wrong?

I can't do this.

What happened?

What are you gonna do?

I don't know. Doesn't matter.

No.

I'll do it.

Klitz, it's cool.
You don't have to-

No, no, I'm doing it.

Why?

Because we're a fucking tripod.

All right, here we go, people.
Picture's up.

Listen, I know this is unprofessional...

...but I think you're really cute.

Yeah, right.

I'm serious.

Really cute.

How we doing, Klitzy?

Fucking great, man.

Let's do this.

And action!

See you guys.

Good night, guys.

So...

...what's the craziest thing
you've done lately?

- Hello?
- We're dead.

- Eli?
- Dude, the tape's not here.

- I can't find it.
- What?

Dude, I'm not kidding, okay?
I've looked everywhere, okay?

All right,
calm down.

No, dude, you calm down!
It's gone!

- What do you mean it's gone?
- I mean it's freaking gone.

Somebody stole it!

Jesus Christ!

Matthew, could you come in here?

This is Mr. Simon.

He says he has something
very important to discuss with us.

Why don't you sit down.

Actually, if you don't mind...

...may I have a word
with the boy alone first?

Sure.

So how was prom?

- That's mine.
- You know, we were fine.

But now you go and do this?
This was my idea.

Now I'm really gonna
fuck your shit up.

I'm gonna need that back.

Take it from me.

Yeah...

...what are you gonna do?

I don't have to do anything.

Hugo Posh will.

Yeah, he's my partner on this, 50-50.

So could I please
have my tape back?

Fuck you!

Fuck you.
I'm taking your half then.

No. That money's going to Samnang.
The money you stole from him.

You say that like I care.
I don't give a shit.

You're giving me your half.

And if I don't?

Showtime.

- Okay.
- "Okay," what?

Show them the tape.

I'm not fucking around.

I just don't care anymore.

This...

...is gonna be interesting.

Dan, Marci, Mr. Salinger...

...would you mind joining me
in the living room for a second?

Great.

Matthew, is there anything you want
to say before we watch this?

Okay, then. On with the show.

Hello. I'm April.

And I'm Ferrari.

You may recognize us as stars of
the adult entertainment industry.

And today we're taking time
out to talk about...

...a very important subject.

- Sex.
- Sex.

Special events such as senior prom...

...place added pressure on young teens...

...to lose their virginity
and engage in unprotected sex.

I know I lost my virginity at my senior...

...prom. When'd you
lose yours, April?

- When I was 10.
- Moving on.

In this video, we'll go through.

...everything from kissing
to foreplay.

And for our finale, we'll show you
how to put a condom on properly...

...using a real person.

No cucumbers or bananas in this video.

So for those of you naughty boys...

...expecting to see a
raunchy porn video...

...you might as well turn this off now...

...because you're not gonna see sex.

What the fuck is this shit?

You're gonna see sex education.

This is interesting, Matthew.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think it's a great idea.

Well, you remember those
sex-ed films back in our day.

Well, I'll tell you, if
they were anything like this...

...we sure would've paid
more attention, don't you think?

I think it's atrocious.

But...

...the hell with it.

The kids today are so goddamn screwed up...

...maybe this is the only way
you can reach them.

You just might have something here, Matthew.

I think it's pretty wild.

This could really sell, don't you think?

How'd you come up with such an idea, Matthew?

What can I say?

It's like a gift, you know?

It's like I can't control it.

We've Only. Just Begun.

Courtney Booth. I will always
remember late nights in Cabby-

Eric Zierdal.
I'll always remember-

Kurt Kilgore. I will-

Joseph Croft.

I will always remember wrestling
and the great memories we had.

Matthew Kidman.
I will always remember...

...the three legs of the tripod.

I'm here with Hugo Posh,
the producer of Adult Education...

...the hottest-selling
sex-education video ever made...

...being utilized in classrooms
across the globe.

Hugo, you're known primarily as
a hard-core pornographer, correct?

My business partner.

Let me break it down for you

See, Hugo Posh isn't just tits.
He isn't just ass.

I mean, yes, he is those things,
but Hugo Posh is also heart.

What an ass-bag.

Fucking kid.

My student advisor.

All right, people.

Let's make some fucky-fucky.

Now, Hugo, you and your partner
have made millions on this.

So who is this silent partner?

Well, he prefers to remain
anonymous.

You better cure cancer, kid.

The next Einstein.

All right.
Yeah, next question.

- All right.
- Eli's calling card.

- How about you, buddy?
- Yeah, Mr. Brooks...

...why did you decide
to skip film school?

Don't you think you're
a little young?

Shut the fuck up!

Next question! Faster!

I got the tape! Can you see?
I got the tape!

For our finale,
I will now demonstrate...

...the proper technique...

...for putting a condom
on the real thing.

Is my volunteer ready?

Klitz's big debut.

Shut up, shut up!
Here he is, here he is.

Jesus, look at that guy.

He is huge.

My own scholarship to Georgetown.

And of course, I'll never forget...

...the girl next door.

As for me...

...I'm just going with it.