The Gilligan Manifesto (2016) - full transcript

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- [Oppenheimer] Now I am become

Death, the destroyer of worlds.

(dramatic orchestra music)

- [Announcer] Finally
after three years work,

the atomic experts were ready
to test their first bomb.

In the control shack was
Dr. J.R. Oppenheimer.

- The automatic control's got it now.

Rob, this time the stakes are really high.

- It's going to work all right, Robert,

and I'm sure we'll never be sorry for it.

- [Broascaster] Put on your goggles.



Observers without goggles

must face away from the blast.

- [Countdown Woman] 10,
nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three, two, one.

Zero.

- [Man] Whoopee!

(maniacal laugh)

(upbeat pop music)

♪ Love that bomb ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I got a strange love for that bomb ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Not the tiny toys from World War I ♪

♪ This one is a million times more fun ♪



♪ Love that bomb ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I got a strange love for that bomb ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Not the burst of joy from World War II ♪

♪ This'll keep you laughing
the whole life through ♪

♪ Strange love, strange love ♪

♪ I've got a strange love for that bomb ♪

(loud explosion)

- [Narrator] On July 16,
1945, the first atomic bomb

was detonated in Alamogordo, New Mexico.

From that moment on, humankind

became a threat to the world we inhabit.

- I had been asked whether
in the years to come

it will be possible to kill
40 million American people

in the 20 largest
American towns by the use

of atomic bombs in a single night.

I'm afraid that the answer
to that question is yes.

- [Narrator] After World War II ended,

the Soviet Union refused to terminate

their occupation of Eastern Europe.

This was followed in 1949 by the

detonation of their first nuclear weapon.

Anxiety over the possibility
of nuclear war and the spread

of Soviet-style dictatorships
grew with each passing year.

(dramatic orchestra music)

(loud explosion)

(upbeat synthesizer music)

♪ Fire, fire ♪

♪ Russia, Russia, lay that missile down ♪

♪ Russia, Russia, must you always frown ♪

♪ Don't get tough now, that's enough now ♪

♪ Russia, Russia, lay that missile down ♪

♪ Russia, Russia, love that samovar ♪

♪ And your blintzes, borsht, and caviar ♪

♪ And your music, and your dancing ♪

♪ Russia, Russia, lay that missile down ♪

- [Announcer] President
Truman's dramatic announcement

that Russia has the atom
secret caused state departments

all over the world to stir uneasily.

At the United Nations,
Soviet representative

Andrey Vyschinsky refused to comment

and stomped coldly into
the assembly building.

The grim vision of an atomic war

which would leave
complete desolation in its

wake is a problem that
deeply affects nearly all

deliberations of the international forum.

A system of worldwide atomic control

for peace must still be resolved.

Will man destroy himself or use his power

to make existence a paradise?

1950 may tell the tale!

- [Narrator] Barely a year
after the Cuban Missile Crisis,

production on a pilot for
a new television show began

that depicted a small
group of Americans having

to rebuild civilization in a
virtual post-apocalyptic world.

From these ashes, they had
to construct a new society.

Remarkably, during the height
to tension with the Soviets,

the new social order they created

was founded on Marxist Communism.

(grandiose orchestra music)

- [Announcer] Headers
at 10 o'clock, look out!

We're heading for the beach!

Battle stations everybody!

(static whizzing)

(distorted audio)

(Gilligan's Island theme)

♪ Just sit right back
and you'll hear a tale ♪

♪ A tale of a fateful trip ♪

♪ That started from this tropic
port aboard this tiny ship ♪

♪ The mate was a mighty sailing man ♪

♪ The Skipper brave and sure ♪

♪ Five passengers set sail that
day for a three hour tour ♪

♪ A three hour tour ♪

(thunder crackles)

♪ The wind has started getting rough ♪

♪ The tiny ship was tossed ♪

♪ If not for the courage
of a fearless crew ♪

♪ The Minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The Minnow would be lost ♪

♪ The ship set ground on the shore ♪

♪ Of this uncharted desert isle ♪

♪ With Gilligan ♪

♪ The Skipper too ♪

♪ The millionaire and his wife ♪

♪ The movie star ♪

♪ The professor and Mary Ann ♪

♪ Here on Gilligan's Isle ♪

- [Narrator] The opening song
introduces the show's cast

and all but two characters are defined

in abstract terms that
have become obsolete.

There is a skipper where there is no boat,

a professor where there is no school,

a millionaire couple
where there is no money,

and a movie star where there are no movies

and where the concept of
celebrity has no meaning.

Only Gilligan and Mary
Ann, who are members

of the working class,
are identified by name.

- Most people think of it as just a bunch

of different characters getting together,

but there's a deep philosophy.

- There's no dating it.

There's no cars, there's no clothes,

there's no anything to tell you

what time in history it took place.

- I was looking for a funny way

to say something very
serious and I got the idea

to bring a lot of
different kinds of people

together who would not
normally be together.

- We weren't all in a house.

We were outside and coexisting
and depending on each other,

which was sort of a
microcosm of the world.

- It was about people finding a, you know,

people had to get along, they had to work

together, had to help each other.

In essence, that's what they had to do.

In essence, that's what we did.

- Every civilization can identify

and every generation can identify.

- It's easier to demonstrate
things dramatically,

but sometimes those lessons
are hammered into you,

whereas doing it gently
with comedy you achieve the

same purpose and sometimes
its longer lasting.

- I guess the microcosm
of this civilization,

I don't think we had any
concept while we were

doing it that that's what we were doing.

I don't think we had any concept at all

that it was gonna sustain this long.

I think the naivete of it all
is what's made it sustainable.

I don't think we were wise in trying

to get the message across.

- [Narrator] Gilligan's island played

on the subconscious fear
of nuclear annihilation

and the prospect of
having to rebuild society

from scratch in the event of survival.

- I was going to do a
two hour show in which

there was a movie where
everybody was dead...

After some apocalyptic
result of nuclear war.

And I was gonna do a satiric
episode, two hour show,

where that was headlines around the world,

but the group was in a cave and the cave,

for some reason, was a lot
of lead around this cave,

and when they came out after
the cave and they heard

about this on the radio that
there was the tragic happening,

they were not aware that because
of the lead they were saved

and they might be the only
seven people left in the world.

- [Narrator] Ever since the detonation of

the first atomic bomb, this theme

has been pervasive in
literature and cinema.

- [Man] Run for your life!

Run, run, run!

(people screaming)

- [Announcer] On an island
of tropical splendor

these three must make their own

world, their own new code of morals.

From their secret base on an uncharted

island somewhere in the Pacific.

(dramatic orchestra music)

- What's this all about?

What's everybody running from?

- It's the end of everything!

- I'm not arguing theory, General.

I'm here to ask you, to beg
you, to save your own world.

- [Announcer] Atomic
hydrogen weapons capable of

wiping cities, countries
off the face of the Earth.

- [Announcer] Yes cities,
nations, even civilization itself.

Threatened with
annihilation because in one

moment of history making violence, nature,

mad, rampant, wrought its
most awesome creation.

- [Announcer] Mankind
totters on the brink of its

own head-long rush to
cataclysmic destruction.

What is it, this terror
that destroys cities?

You won't want to look,
but you can't help it.

You won't believe your eyes,

but you'll never forget what they see.

You won't wanna stay, but
you'll be glued to your seat.

- [Announcer] More
thrilling, more exciting,

more mystifying is the
monster, the mutation

by atomic energy, part man, part beast.

Salaciously watching women as they bathe.

- [Announcer] Yes, the most shocking

experience of their lives.

Doubly shocking because
it can happen to you.

- [Announcer] Nine
minutes before countdown.

Nine minutes while the
world waits and wonders.

Share if you dare the unbearable suspense

of men and women who have never in

their lives faced greater peril.

- [Announcer] Electrifying terror

as the Earth dies screaming.

(screams)

- There it is now.

Attacking the United Nations building.

(dramatic orchestra music)

- [Announcer] These are
the people caught in the

most explosive threat
ever to face the world.

- [Announcer] In just a
few moments these five,

American newspaper man,
English bathing beauty,

German scientist, Russian soldier,

Chinese peasant girl, will be given the

power to destroy every
human being on Earth.

What will they do?

What will their governments
force them to do?

What would you do?

Every human being alive will die.

- [Announcer] He saw them capture

innocent people only to destroy.

(screams)

- [Announcer] Father turned against son.

- [Announcer] The perfect man,

created by man, becomes man's worst enemy.

- Proceed!

(screams)

- [Announcer] They knew
that only a missile

with an atomic warhead could crack the

Earth's impenetrable inner core.

Would it mean the end of the world?

- [Announcer] An island
disappears when the

brutal power of nature's
inner force is released.

- They've shifted the tilt of the Earth.

The stupid, crazy, irresponsible bunglers.

They've finally done it.

- What if the crack keeps
going right around the world?

What happens then?

- Where the land mass is split,

the oceans will be sucked in.

And the colossal pressure generated by the

steam will rip the Earth
apart and destroy it.

- It isn't possible.

It's insane.

- [Dispatcher] All units!

All units take shelter!

Take shelter, missiles coming in!

Missiles three minutes away!

(dramatic orchestra music)

- There they are!

(siren blaring)

(dramatic orchestra music)

- [Announcer] One scientist
foresaw the day the world ended.

- There are two forms of life fighting

for survival out here in this valley.

And only one of them can win.

- I'll talk to the girls in the morning.

- The girls?

- Yes.

They should bear children
as soon as possible.

- Countdown must have started by now.

- Drink up then.

Here's how.

- [Broadcaster] 22.

21.

- To the luck of the human race.

- [Broadcaster] Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

(laughter)

- Do you wanna know what time it is?

- Gilligan, that's not important.

- It's eight to zero.

- Eight what?

- I don't know.

Here, see?

(upbeat orchestra music)

- [Narrator] Over the years there had been

many attempts to analyze
Gilligan's Island.

One popular theory asserts that the

castaways represent the
seven cardinal sins,

but there are serious
problems with this argument.

Once you get past lust and greed as

personified by Ginger and Mr. Howell,

the remaining correlations are arbitrary.

The Skipper's the only character who

displays anger, but he is also the

only one who vaguely personifies gluttony.

The remaining sins of
envy, pride, and sloth

are ascribed so tenuously
that similar analogies

could be made for any
other group of seven items.

For instance, the characters could be

said to represent The Seven Dwarfs.

The Skipper is Grumpy, the Professor

is Doc, and Gilligan is Dopey.

Or they could be said to symbolize

the seven wonders of
the ancient world where

Mrs. Howell is the Hanging
Gardens of Babylon,

Mary Ann is the Temple of Artemis, and the

Professor is the Lighthouse of Alexandria.

Or one could claim they embody the seven

kinds of fruit used in Hawaiian Punch,

where the Professor is apple,
Ginger is passion fruit,

and the Howells naturally
are Guava and Apricot.

Even if a correlation seemed acrid for all

of the characters, there's the

question of moral consequence.

What kind of theology punishes sinners

by forcing them to stay
on an island paradise?

The biggest problem, however, is that in

order for this claim to make any sense,

the castaways would have to be trapped on

the island due to their sinful nature.

This is precisely what we do not see.

Opportunities for rescue are most often

missed because visitors to the island

are unable or unwilling to help.

Not because Ginger is lustful,
or Mr. Howell is greedy.

Not only does this hypothesis fail in its

broad observation, it provides no insight.

(dramatic orchestra music)

Of all the questions asked about the show,

the central one that is most overlooked is

why is the show called Gilligan's Island?

- They say the meek
shall inherit the Earth.

That's in the bible someplace.

And that was my belief,
that in a world that

was rearranged, which
Gilligan's Island was,

that the least likely
person would be the most

likely to be critically
important to the show.

And Gilligan was critically important

'cause he kept ruining every escape.

- [Narrator] Arguments could easily be

made for the prominence of any of

the characters, but Gilligan is

the embodiment of the working class.

By calling the show Gilligan's Island,

the focus is always on the proletariat as

the series lampoons
capitalist exploitation.

(upbeat orchestra music)

President Harry S. Truman initiated

the largest peace time military spending

that the United States had ever seen and

pushed for the creation
of the hydrogen bomb.

- [Announcer] From Washington, General of

the Armies Eisenhower sets out on

a mission unprecedented in history.

To organize and command
an international army to

defend Western Europe
against communist aggression.

- Mr. President, I devoutly
pray that the mission

on which I'm leaving
this morning will result

in nothing but peace, security,

and tranquility for our various nations.

- Gentlemen, I am Thurston
Howell III and this

of course is my wife
Mrs. Thurston Howell III.

- Charmed.

- Capitalist, exploiter.

- Capitalist, exploiter, I was

wrong lovey, they're very friendly.

(laughter)

Little does she care how hard

other people work to make me money.

Spend, spend, spend, I tell
you it's creeping socialism.

- [Eunice] And everybody wants
something from you right?

- Right, and what do I do about it?

- You use it, the way any self-respecting

multi-millionaire does, you use it.

Power, my boy!

You are a king!

- Mr. Howell, you just moved
your king to a new place.

- Wait a minute!

Young man, are you accusing
a Howell of cheating?

I'll have you know I'm far too wealthy.

- To cheat?

- No, to be accused.

- But the Professor's
wasting his time on a tycoon.

- No dear, it's a typhoon, you see a

tycoon, that's a man
with money, like myself.

A typhoon is a big bag of wind.

- Thurston--

- Never mind what you're
thinking, no comment.

(laughter)

- Besides being a houseboy,
I'm a butler and chauffeur.

- Chauffeur?

- That part's easy, we don't have a car.

(laughter)

- Gilligan, I think they're overworking

you around this place,
I mean you must feel

like a prisoner around
here taking all these jobs.

- Oh no Skipper, I get
every other Thursday off.

(laughter)

(dramatic orchestra music)

- [Announcer] Dominating
one half of the world,

Communism stands solidly opposed

to the western concept of democracy.

With over 750 million people under

communist rule, nearly one-third of the

population of the Earth, Soviet Russia

holds a commanding position in

the future destiny of the world.

Since World War II, Communism by force

and by propaganda has extended its

frontiers into the heart of Europe.

Russia's newest and possibly most

important gains have been in the Orient,

where half a billion Chinese have

been herded into the communist camp.

- [Announcer] Russia had launched one

of history's most drastic, political,

moral, and economic wars, a Cold War.

The United States was obliged to help

Europe safeguard its traditional freedoms

and the independence of its nations.

Gone was the spirit of wartime unity

that reached its peak on that historic

afternoon in April '45 at
the Elbe River in Germany.

Here two worlds actually met, but this

coalition was to be torn asunder.

(explosions)

- [Narrator] Democracy is presented as a

tool that protects the
interests of the elite.

- There's no sense arguing about

who stands in front of the camera.

We'll do it the democratic
way, according to who's who.

- All right Professor, we'll
do this the democratic way.

- I'll buy that.

- Yes Gilligan, now all those in favor of

Gilligan telling Mary Ann
raise your right hand.

(laughter)

There you are Gilligan, two to one.

On your way, little buddy.

- If that's the democratic way,

I'm gonna turn into a republican!

- [Narrator] Using
satire, the series exposes

how each of the three
branches of democratic

governance manufactures social
unrest and abuse of power.

(upbeat orchestra music)

When the castaways realize there's no

leader on the island, a crisis ensues

even though there's clearly
no need for a leader.

- I'm having enough trouble running

this island without a mutiny!

- Who told you that you
were running this island?

- I am the skipper!

- At sea you're the skipper, on land

I am chairman of the board!

(laughter)

- Professor, will you tell these

people who is in charge of this island?

- Well actually no one is.

- No one?

- No one?

Good heavens, this is anarchy!

(laughter)

- It is not, I am in command!

- No I am running this island!

- Gentlemen, gentlemen.

- I've got an idea, I've got an idea.

Why don't we vote?

You know, like an election.

(laughter)

(crosstalk)

- I'll spend millions on my campaign.

- Shame on you.

- What did I do?

- Trying to buy my vote.

- Well I did nothing
of the kind, Mary Ann.

It's perfectly proper for a presidential

candidate to wanna hire a secretary.

- At $50,000 a year?

- Well good secretaries are hard to find.

(laughter)

I am not going to insult your

intelligence by attempting to bribe you.

- Gee Mr. Howell, I don't see what

one thing has to do with the other.

(laughter)

- Are you suggesting that
perhaps you could be bribed?

Gilligan, how would you like
to be Secretary of the Navy?

(laughter)

- Secretary of the Navy?

You gotta be kidding.

I don't even know how to tie a knot.

- You're just being modest.

- No I'm not.

Look.

(laughter)

- Well whoever heard of the Secretary

of the Navy tying his own knots?

I'll assign some able-bodied seaman

to perform such menial chores for you.

- Where are we gonna find
an able-bodied seaman?

- Here comes one now.

- Gilligan, why are you talking to Howell?

- I'm sorry, Skipper.

- Don't be afraid, Gilligan.

In a few hours he'll be working for you.

- What?

- He means--

- What I mean is when I'm president,

Gilligan is gonna be
Secretary of the Navy.

- Secretary of the Navy?

Gilligan is going to be Secretary...

(laughs)

Well why aren't you laughing, Gilligan?

- I was thinking how nice it would

be to have someone to tie my shoelaces.

(laughter)

- [Narrator] The biggest problem with

the democratic voting process is not

simply that it can be bought, but rather

that competency is not a
requirement for office.

And a president can be elected

who is woefully under-qualified.

- The deciding vote...

Is missing.

- Missing?

- Oh yeah, I've got it right here.

(laughter)

- What's the matter Gilligan,

isn't our ballot box good enough for you?

- I was afraid it might get wet.

- That means that I win!

- That means I'm elected!

- I'm sorry gentlemen, you both lost.

- Well that's impossible!

- Well then who is president?

- Gilligan?

(laughter)

- President Gilligan.

- [Narrator] The
democratic social contract

insists that maintaining the system is

more important than everyone's survival.

- I just came by here to
offer my congratulations.

People have made their choice, and whether

it's right or wrong, we're stuck with it.

- Well maybe we oughta count the

votes again to make sure I won.

- There's no need to do that either.

Howell and I have counted
them four times already.

- Well I sure feel awful about winning.

Especially when I wasn't even running.

- The fact is you did win
Gilligan, and that's why I'm here.

I can hardly call myself a friend

if I didn't give you a word of warning.

- A word of warning?

About what?

- About the power seekers.

Men who will seek you out,
call themselves friends.

They'll flatter you, they'll fawn on you.

These men are dangerous.

All they want is a high
position in your government.

These men are not to be trusted

and you've got to guard against them.

- Guard against them how?

- [Narrator] Rather
than improve efficiency,

the creation of a government offers an

opportunity for people to assume positions

of power where they no
longer have to work.

- I just stopped by to
offer you my hardiest

congratulations on your
rather shocking victory.

(laughter)

- Yeah, it was kinda a surprise to me too.

- Yes, well the way I look at
it, it could've been worse.

(laughter)

- If you're finished Howell, the president

and I are busy setting
up a new administration.

- Well that's exactly why I'm here.

- That's exactly what I thought.

- Oh, Mr. President,
before I forget, here is a

small but terribly expensive
little token of my esteem.

- A box of esteemed tokens.

Thanks, Mr. Howell.

(laughter)

- No no no, you see, they're
solid gold cuff links.

You'll have to have your wrists pierced.

- I'm surprised by your attitude.

- The leader's wish is but my command.

- Then here, you can start by
cleaning up the White House.

That oughta be humble enough.

- Just exactly who do you think you are?

- I'm the Vice President!

- The Vice President, well
how did you get that job?

- By getting here before you did!

- Mr. Howell, do you want
your cuff links back?

- You think I'm the kind of man

who would take back a bribe, sir?

(laughter)

- I'd like to give you
something in return.

- Well I expect to get something in

return, what exactly do you have open?

- Well we have the Secretary of Labor,

Secretary of Defense, Secretary of State--

- Yeah, you could be
one of the secretaries,

you know how to take shorthand typing?

(laughter)

- No, you see Mr. President, I think with

my background, the ideal job for me

would be Chief Justice
of the Supreme Court.

- But that's a very important position,

have you had any legal experience?

- The government has convicted me

six times on anti-trust
suits, and I've been

investigated every year
for income tax evasion.

(laughter)

- Well that's good enough for me.

How about you, Skipper?

- Any many who can stay
out of jail with a record

like that's got to know
something about the law.

- Indeed I do!

- Then we're behind you
all the way, Mr. President.

You're the best president we ever elected.

- Thanks, Ginger.

- I mean even if I don't get a

star on my dressing room door.

(laughter)

- We're with you, sir.

- Well then how about
helping me dig the well?

- I can't help you Mr. President,

I'm in the midst of settling a strike.

- What strike?

- The Secretary of Health and Welfare

won't help me in the kitchen anymore.

- Well I'm not on strike, I
have my own work to do now.

How can I wash the dishes and

build a hospital at the same time?

- A hospital?

What for, we don't even have a doctor!

- Well when the hospital's finished,

I'm going to build a medical school.

(laughter)

- Don't count on me sir, I'm involved

in a very serious judicial matter.

- What are you working on now, Mr. Howell?

- Your impeachment!

(upbeat orchestra music)

- [Narrator] Just like the experiment of

selecting a leader was not born of any

real need, a system of law does not

arise from any criminal activity,

but rather nothing more than the

realization that such a
system, does not exist.

- Now hold on Mr. Howell, at this point

there's been no robbery, no murder,

no crime of any kind on the island.

You can see the necessity for some

form of legal authority
here on the island.

- Exactly, what we need is law and order.

- Well I'll make a check out to

the Policeman's Benevolence Society.

(laughter)

- I suggest we elect a sheriff,
and the sooner the better.

- What about you, Professor?

- No, I'm afraid I'm in the middle of an

experiment with those
phosphorescent rocks,

I'm too busy trying to get us rescued.

- I'm not too busy.

- That's right, your place
is in the laboratory.

- I'm not doing anything at
all, I could be the sheriff.

- Ridiculous.

- Preposterous.

- How about a word from you, Professor?

- Idiotic.

- Sorry I asked.

- No, in my opinion, the logical man

for the job of sheriff is the Skipper.

- Now we've gotta learn
this criminal code,

we've gotta practically memorize it.

- [Narrator] Societal
breakdown is inevitable

because the rules themselves will always

become more important than the

social harmony they are
designed to produce.

(laughter)

- [Mary Ann] Hi deputy.

- Oh Gilligan!

- Stop!

(laughter)

Hey ladies.

- Ladies.

(laughter)

Gilligan, I'm waiting.

- Sorry, sheriff.

How am I doing, pretty good huh?

Lucky thing I was here, there would

have been a big collision.

Just like a big fat truck running

over two little sports cars.

(laughter)

- Thanks a lot.

(blows whistle)

- Gilligan, will you stop
that blasted whistling?

- I saw you Mr. Howell,
stealing Skipper's binoculars.

- I did not steal the binoculars,

I merely borrowed them, Mrs. Howell

and I are going birdwatching.

- Well sorry Mr. Howell, according to

the book, taking somebody else's

property without their
permission is stealing.

- Are you gonna make such a fuss?

We won't use them, we'll just

watch bigger birds, that's all.

- You're under arrest, Article Four.

- Look look look look Gilligan,

this is my first offense, I promise

not to do such a dastardly deed again.

- Ignorance of law is no excuse.

(laughter)

- Look look Gilligan, come
on now, this will cover it.

Let's just buy some tickets
to the Policeman's Ball, eh?

- Trying to bribe an officer
on duty, Article Seven.

- Look, I am not without
political influence.

I'll have you pounding a beat on

the north end of this island!

- Come on, let's go.

(laughter)

- I won't move!

(choking)

- We heard the whistle, what's going on?

- Mr. Howell took your binoculars without

your permission and that's stealing.

Then when I caught him, he offered me

money to forget it and that's bribery.

So I arrested him.

- Well deputy, you did right.

You should be ashamed
of yourself, Mr. Howell.

- I am, I should have
made it a bigger bribe.

(laughter)

- [Narrator] Democracy
means the collective

agreement to have rules is more important

than whether those rules are just.

- I mean the idea of being
treated like a common criminal.

- Now Mr. Howell.

- Yes?

- We all gave our word
that we'd obey the law.

- Well I know, but--

- And we agreed to accept the Skipper

as the sheriff and Gilligan as his deputy.

- Yeah I know, but--

- And we must agree to
obey their authority,

and to accept the penalty
if we break the law.

- But the whole thing
sounds so darn democratic.

(laughter)

- Oh no Mr. Howell, you can't go

back to your hut when you're under arrest.

You have to go to...

Where are we gonna put him?

- I don't know.

We've never talked about that.

- Well there's only one thing we can do.

(laughter)

(sobs)

- Thurston, you're a convict!

- It's just not right Mary Anne,
Gilligan just went too far.

- Well after all Ginger, he is a deputy.

He's just doing his duty.

- [Narrator] In addition to creating rules

that are unworkable, the legal system

creates a corrupt power dynamic.

- Now look Gilligan, I'm
gonna be gone most of

the day, so I want you
to keep an eye on things.

- You mean I'm in charge?

- I mean you are in complete charge.

See you later, girls.

- Bye.

(laughter)

- That's a pretty big
responsibility, right Ginger?

- Doubt if we're going
to have a crime wave.

- You never can tell, right?

- Right, if I see any
suspicious characters

lurking around, I'll be
sure and call headquarters.

- That's the spirit.

Oh, by the way girls, that
fire's too close to the hut.

- It's where we always used to have it.

- Well ignorance of the law is no excuse.

I'll have to put it out.

Ooh, ooh!

(laughter)

(laughs)

That's not funny, Ginger.

You're under arrest for violation

of Section 33 of the Municipal Code.

- Oh let me go!

- As an officer of the law, I'm gonna--

- Let her go!

- I wouldn't do that if
I were you, Mary Ann.

- Oh and what are you gonna do about it?

Let me out of here!

(laughter)

- What are you in for, Mary Ann?

- Aiding and abetting someone who was

resisting arrest while violating

ordinance 33 of the Municipal Code.

(laughter)

- That's a serious charge, and you Ginger?

- For being dumb enough
to let him grab me.

- We found this streak of phosphorescent

rock in the side of a hill.

- How'd you get it out?

- Why with this stick of
true dynamite that I made.

- Professor, you never
should have done that.

- Well it was the only
way we could get the rock.

- I don't mean that, I mean you
never should have done that.

- Done what?

Carrying concealed weapons.

(laughter)

- You what?

- Mr. Howell for attempted jailbreak,

Mary Ann for aiding and abetting,

Ginger for the municipal code--

- Gilligan, how could you do such a thing?

- It wasn't easy, the
girls put up a good fight.

(laughter)

- A good officer knows how to
use his power, not misuse it.

- The law is the law.

- Gilligan!

- You said go by the book
and I went by the book!

- Gilligan, you lamebrain,
give me that key!

- No, sticks and stones
can break my bones--

- Yeah, that's not the only
thing that's gonna hurt you!

Now I intend to get that key if

I have to shake it out of you!

What did I do?

- You remember when you were shaking me,

trying to make the key fall out?

- So?

- That's police brutality.

(laughter)

- Gilligan, give me that key!

- [Narrator] Ultimately,
potential for rescue is

sabotaged by the obsession
with adhering to law.

- That just about
completes the search area.

- Well we better get turned around.

- There's one more little island I think

we oughta check out, it's not on the map,

but I recall it being just south of here.

- A plane!

We're going to be rescued!

- They'll see our signal!

(cheering)

(laughter)

(uplifting orchestra music)

- Well I didn't see anything.

- No sir, no people down there.

- There's the phosphorescent rocks!

- I do hope they hadn't misspelled SOS.

(laughter)

- Tell them, Skipper.

- We didn't have time to
put the signal rocks out.

- Why not?

- Because some numbskull put us in jail!

(upbeat orchestra music)

- [Narrator] The final pillar of

American democracy, the justice system,

is established in response to a

dispute over ownership of property.

- Gilligan, what are you down here?

You're supposed to be
cutting bamboo poles.

- I'm digging a barbecue
pit for Mr. Howell.

- Gilligan, I think you've
uncovered a treasure chest.

Must be a fortune in this chest.

Come on, let's try and get
this padlock and chain.

Just think little buddy, by this time

tomorrow you might be a millionaire.

What are you gonna do with all that money?

- First thing I'm gonna do is buy

something to open up that chest.

You really think I'm a millionaire?

- Sure, it's your chest,
you found it didn't you?

- Oh yeah.

- Well finder's keepers.

- Are you positive that
treasure chest belongs to you?

- Well of course, Gilligan
was working for me

at the time when he was
digging and found it.

He was in my employee, all big
business operates that way.

I still don't see how you're
gonna open the chest this way.

- Very simple, Mr. Howell.

All we have to do is cut the vine.

The chest falls and its
own weight will break

those seams wide open
when it hits the ground.

- I must say, that's very clever,

I must reward you with
part of my treasure chest.

- Your treasure chest?

That treasure is Gilligan's.

- Gilligan's?

- Well of course, he found it, didn't you?

- Yeah, you were with
me, don't you remember?

(laughter)

- Of course I remember.

- But he was working for me,
therefore the treasure is mine.

- Finder's keepers.

- But that's ridiculous, it is a

practice of any large corporation.

- Gilligan is not a corporation.

- I'm not even a business.

- I still say the treasure chest is mine.

- That treasure chest is Gilligan's.

- So that's the treasure chest huh?

- [Gilligan] That's right, Professor.

- Well it certainly looks
like the real thing.

But I understand there's a
question as to the ownership.

- Yeah, that's why we're playing one

game of poker, winner take all.

- Back home you would never play a

game of cards for anything so important.

- Yes, but back home there are laws about

such things, this fellow
was in my employee.

- Yeah, well the law
says finder's keepers.

- Well if you're interested
in law, there's only

one way to settle this thing legally.

A court trial.

- A court trial here on this island?

- Why not?

As the law say.

(speaks foreign language)

- What does that mean?

- Your case comes up Tuesday.

- [Narrator] The trial preparations and

arguments are fairly sophisticated.

- Well confidentially not Lovey, you see

this isn't an open and shut case, while I

did hire Gilligan, I
didn't actually pay him,

and the Skipper might
use that as a loophole.

- Loophole, oh you know
all the legal terms.

- Why not, after all I watched
Perry Mason for six years.

(laughter)

I could close that loophole if...

- If what, dear?

- If I can get Gilligan
to take the money now.

(chuckles)

I wanna pay you for the
work that you did for me.

- But Mr. Howell, I never finished digging

the barbecue pit, I
only dug for 10 minutes.

- Well at least let me pay
you for the time that you dug.

Will $100 be enough?

- $100?

That's almost $500 an hour.

- 600, but who's counting?

(laughter)

- Gilligan, don't take that money!

(laughter)

- Why not, Skipper?

- Gilligan, he's hoping that
you'll take the money because

it'll strengthen his claim
on the treasure chest.

From now on, Mr. Howell, you
are not to talk to my client.

- All right, I'll see you in court.

(laughter)

- Mr. Howell wants you
to do something for him.

He showed you where he
wanted the barbecue pit.

He never mentioned the
word job, never talked

about money, and never paid you a penny.

- Tampering with a witness.

I'll file charges!

- [Narrator] Ultimately,
the justice system

is shown to curate the very problems

it was designed to resolve.

Instead of settling a dispute and making

life better, this court is intensified

and the castaways all sue each other.

- I hope you're not thinking
of offering me a bribe.

- Why of course not, but
do you recall two weeks

ago at dinner when I asked someone

to pass me the papaya juice and you did?

Well I wanna pay you for that service.

$5,000 be enough?

- No, no, no.

(laughter)

- I caught you red-handed Howell,

trying to bribe a public official.

Your honor, I wanna file charges.

- First trial hasn't even started and

I've already got two
more cases on the docket.

(laughter)

- Everyone take their places!

The first superior court of
this island is now in session!

The honorable Professor presiding!

- Be seated.

Since everyone is familiar with the case,

we will dispense with the reading

of the complaint and counter-charges.

- Your honor, I feel that
they've rehearsed her testimony.

- No more than he's rehearsed Gilligan's.

- And you brought me
up before this court on

charges, well I wanna
file charges, your honor!

- All right, but you'll have to wait

your turn, that will be case number four.

Now please, let us get
on with the testimony.

- Do you recall hearing me say
that I was hiring Gilligan?

- Yes Mr. Howell, you told me that you had

just hired Gilligan to
dig the barbecue pit.

- Howell bribed her the same
way he tried to bribe you!

- That is defamation of character, I wanna

sue that man for liable and slander!

- That'll be case number five.

(laughter)

- He said I was bribed.

I wanna file charges too.

- Case number six.

- [Narrator] The
resolution to all of these

conflicts emerges when
the Professor rejects

the entire notion of private property and

affirms that on the island,
they're all communists.

- Ladies and gentlemen, I
have reached a decision.

- Well don't keep the
boy waiting any longer.

Tell him I've won the verdict.

- I can't tell him that.

- Oh Gilligan, that means
the treasure chest is yours!

- Now wait, wait, Gilligan
didn't win either.

- Huh?

- Well let me explain.

Ever since we were
shipwrecked on this island

we've shared the hardships,
the work, the fish

we catch, the fruit,
the water, everything.

We've shared and we've shared alike.

And I choose to look
upon the treasure chest

as one of the natural resources of this

island by custom and usage defacto.

It belongs to all of us.

- Well let's go open it, come on, come on.

- [Narrator] Despite
the Professor's decree,

lapses routinely take
place that reveal the

role capitalism plays
in social dysfunction.

(dramatic orchestra music)

As more European regimes
topple and succumb to

Soviet control, fear of
Communism gripped America.

- [Announcer] Ever hear of Karl Marx?

In his mind, Communism was born

more than a hundred years ago.

He looked at the world and saw men as

divided into two classes:
workers and capitalists.

In the Communist Manifesto he called upon

the workers, proletarians, to rise up

and overthrow their capitalistic masters.

He cried "The proletarians have

"nothing to lose but their chains.

"They have a world to win.

"working men of all countries, unit."

- Communism in reality
is not a political party.

It is a way of life, an evil
and malignant way of life.

It reveals a condition akin to disease

that spreads like an epidemic, and like an

epidemic a quarantine is necessary to

keep it from infecting this nation.

- [Announcer] In recognizing a Communist,

physical appearance counts for nothing.

If he openly declares himself to be

a Communist, we take his word for it.

If a person supports organizations which

reflects Communist
teachings, or organizations

labeled Communist by the Department

of Justice, she may be a Communist.

If a person defends the activities of

Communist nations while consistently

attacking the domestic and foreign policy

of the United States,
she may be a Communist.

If a person does all these things over

a period of time, he must be a Communist.

But there are other Communists

who don't show their real faces.

Who work more silently.

- Probably the key thing that Marx

kept coming back to time and time again in

his writing was the
alienation of the worker.

- I want you up and on the beach

first thing in the morning ready to work.

- The worker who makes
something is alienated

or estranged from the product he creates

because it doesn't belong to him.

The product belongs to his employer,

the person who owns the company or

the stockholders who own the company,

and the way in which it's produced,

and actually the design of the product is

not under the control
of the worker either.

So Marx said that since
the worker is forced

to make things which his own personality

is not invested, then he becomes alienated

or estranged from that
thing that he makes.

- You mean this yellow
stuff that looks like gold?

- Yes, yes, what is it?

- I think it is gold!

- Gold?

Gold!

(screams)

(laughter)

Gold, Gilligan!

I'm richer!

Hurt a little, but I'm richer.

- [Narrator] When gold
is discovered on the

island, the mine is considered public

property, but the labor required to

extract the gold becomes commodified.

- I'm gonna hire you to
mine the gold, you see.

I won't pay you enough
to cause you any trouble.

Then I'll hide it so no one
will ever be able to find it.

How's that?

- Promise you'll tell me where you put it?

- Scout's honor.

- Three.

- Oh.

(laughter)

- You want me to dig anymore?

- Certainly, it's only 4 AM.

- [Narrator] By hiring
Gilligan to extract the gold,

Mr. Howell establishes private equity.

The castaways make a plea for communal

ownership, but Mr. Howell refuses.

- Mr. Howell, I know you, I know that

deep down in your soul you're a wonderful,

generous man, and you wanted to

share your gold with all of us.

- Yes I did.

But thank goodness I fought
off that nasty impulse.

The answer is still no!

(laughter)

- [Narrator] Predictably,
the introduction of a

capital-based economy
causes social breakdown by

creating a demand for payment
for all goods and services.

- I hope the lobster
wasn't too rich for you.

- Well if he was, he didn't
get a chance to mention it.

(laughter)

- Thurston, you know I think it's rude

to talk about money at the table

in front of a strange lobster.

(laughter)

- Will that be all sir?

- Yes, that'll be all.

- Here you are.

- What is this?

- That's the dinner check.

- $740?

(laughter)

- Seafood salad $175?

- Lobster 200?

- Grapefruit muffins 125,
side order of guava jelly 50.

- So that's your little game huh?

First the Skipper, then Gilligan.

You're gonna charge us for our meals huh?

Well!

- That's a fine kettle of fish!

- Thanks for reminding me, Mrs. Howell.

- For what?

- One kettle of fish, $300.

(laughter)

- Well if $600 is all you can

spend, take only three candles.

- What?

- You can't beat that price
anyplace on the island.

- Please Thurston, you can't
see a thing down in that mine.

- All right, I'll take six
candles, give the man $1,200.

- $50 more, Mr. Howell, and I
can gift wrap these for you.

- No, $1,200 for the six
and that's my last offer.

- Well you're the man with the gold mine.

Oh by the way, as long as
you're here Mr. Howell,

would you like to look at some wicks?

- You mean there aren't
any wicks in these candles?

(laughter)

- Not for this kind of money.

(upbeat orchestra music)

- It was Mad Magazine I
think that came up with the

joke about under Capitalism,
man exploits man,

under Communism it's the other way around.

Well in the ideal Communist society

there would be no exploitation.

There would be no alienation.

People would work together,
there would be cooperation.

There would be no government because

there was no need for a state.

- The ideal society is a society that

is bountiful for its members, which is

fair and just, to the
maximum degree possible.

That's the ideal society.

- Skipper, we're on land now.

When we're on land we
both have equal rights.

- What was that?

- I said I got rights too!

- When you say what we want is not a

capitalist society
necessarily or a socialist

society necessarily or a communist society

necessarily, what we want is a society

in which most people are prosperous or

at least getting what they want and need,

where most people feel that they're

treated fairly and justly, where the

law seems to protect the less

advantaged as well as the advantaged.

- If you look at utopias they're

famously unpleasant to live in.

In Thomas Moore's Utopia,
1516, which coined

the word Utopia, there's
no private property

and everyone switches
houses with everyone else.

(upbeat orchestra music)

- [Announcer] Calling the
House Unamerican Activities

Committee to order,
Chairman J. Parnell Thomas

of New Jersey opens an inquiry into

possible Communist penetration

of the Hollywood film industry.

The committee is seeking to determine

if red party members have reached

the screen with subversive propaganda.

- [Narrator] Formed in 1938 to investigate

citizens who might be disloyal

or have ties to Communism, the House

Committee on Unamerican Activities

began targeting suspects whom they

believed to be influential, which often

included people in
entertainment and the media.

For many, simply being
called before the committee

led to losing their job and their friends.

♪ Joe, come here a minute ♪

♪ I got a red hot tip for you, Joe ♪

♪ See that guy with the red suspenders ♪

♪ Driving that car with
the bright red fenders ♪

♪ I know he's one of
those heavy spenders ♪

♪ Get that Communist, Joe ♪

♪ He's filling my gal with propaganda ♪

♪ And I'm scared she will meander ♪

♪ Don't wanna take a chance
where he'll land her ♪

♪ Get that Communist, Joe ♪

♪ He's the most revolting character ♪

♪ And the fellas hate him so ♪

♪ But with the girls this character ♪

♪ Is a comrade Romeo ♪

♪ Since my love he's sabotaging ♪

- [Announcer] Often operating
as a one man committee,

he has traveled far, interviewed
many, terrorized some.

Accused civilian and military leaders of

the past administration of a great

conspiracy to turn over
the country to Communism.

Wait 'till you hear the bleeding hearts

scream and cry about our methods of trying

to drag the truth from those who know

or should know, who covered up a

fifth amendment Communist major.

But they say oh, it's all right to uncover

them, but don't get
rough doing it, McCarthy.

- The line between
investigating and persecuting

is a very fine one, and the junior senator

from Wisconsin has stepped
over it repeatedly.

His primary achievement has been in

confusing the public mind as between the

internal and the external
threats of Communism.

We must not confuse
dissent with disloyalty.

- If you think that I
am going to cooperate

with this collection of
Judases, of men who sit

there in violation of the
United States Constitution.

If you think I'll cooperate with

you in any way, you are insane.

(applause)

- There were all kinds of anti-communists

in the United States in those years.

There were some whose
position was rather simple

and it was more anti-soviet
than anti-communist,

often the people who took these positions

didn't even really know what Communism is

or was, and you can be sure they never

read the Communist Manifesto of 1848.

- Many of the anti-communists,
especially the

McCarthyite's type, were
just, it was just words

to them, they had no
idea what Communism was.

- This is what the Communists say

about our public school system.

The whole American school system acts

in the spirit of a militaristic program.

The syllabuses and textbooks in American

schools are imbued with
racist ideology and

teach hatred to everything
outstanding and advanced.

The word peace is forbidden
in American schools.

- We oughta stop fooling
around with talking

diplomacy and show the
Communists we mean business.

- [Announcer] Under Communism virtually

everything belongs to the state.

The individual has little right to

own property, or to plan his own life.

He's told where to work with his employer.

Little freedom to leave his
job or seek a better one.

- Marx said that, in
pure Communism, not only

would there be no classes,
there'd be no government.

- There was nothing wrong
with Communism in theory,

but it was the way it was
being implemented and practiced

in the Soviet Union as
a totalitarian society

in which everyone was required to

conform to the dictates of the state.

Which was exactly the opposite
of what Marx had envisioned.

- We'll all be saved by great
and glorious Soviet Navy.

They shall come and take
us all back home to Moscow.

- Oh boy, we're going home to Moscow!

(gentle orchestra music)

- [Narrator] In addition
to adhering to the

actual principles of
Communism, the castaways

are guided by the spirit of comradery.

- It'll be a lot quicker and a lot

easier if we all pitch
in and work together.

Remember the old saying, united we stand.

- I was just thinking what
a waste my life's been.

I mean so I was an actress, so what?

I never really did anything for anyone.

- Well you entertained people.

- Oh that was just for the moment.

I mean really do something important.

Like being a nurse.

Although I was a nurse, for one
day I was Ben Casey's nurse.

(laughter)

And you know something, Professor?

In that one hour we saved
six people, and if it

hadn't been for the commercials
we would've saved eight.

(laughter)

- You're right Ginger,
that's what's important.

Saving people.

- That's one thing you
can always count on,

when you've lost everything, I mean

friendship does mean more
than money doesn't it?

- We've all gotta pitch in and work hard.

- I've been thinking about life,

you never know what to expect.

- You can say that again.

- Like 10 years ago, who would have

figured we'd be here on this island,

sharing our load and pulling
for the common cause.

- Everybody shared
everything and everybody

pitched in and helped and I think

that's just calling good neighbors.

We did that when we were pioneers

going into the west, we all built

each other's houses and painted our walls.

- We've got to function as a group!

- You're right, Skipper.

- We've lived here together, and if

necessary, we'll die together.

- The Flintstones and The Jetsons are

almost the same show,
they use the same gags.

I think it's the same way
with Capitalism and Communism.

The more you strive
towards complete atomism,

the idea that every person is in it

for himself, the more you reduce people

to machines of appetite being driven

by vectors of desire and behaving

according to purely predictable

and sociologically intelligible forces.

In other words, you start to see these

little atoms as part
of a Brownian movement

or some sort of physics of, part of a

system of physical forces in which the

group starts to be more important than

the individual because you've broken it

down to pure individuals
governed by forces.

Similarly in Communism, if the state is

to wither away, what's left is a bunch of

happy people living according
to their own desires.

(upbeat orchestra music)

- I'm sorry Mr. Howell,
unless I can figure out

a way to make everybody
share it, nobody gets it.

- As long as we're all
on this island together,

it's not gonna make any difference to any

one of us whether you
have any money or not.

- Private property is
essentially fictitious,

and Capitalism has always
been driven by that anxiety

because Capitalism depends on the

idea that I'm a free
agent and I can not only

barter my talents, which
are plausibly enough mine,

but I can also barter the things

I own which are very feebly mine.

When the anarchist Proudhon
said property is theft,

he was saying something that
is worth thinking about.

That's always been the
strongest point of Communism.

- Boy, I can't wait to tell
the Professor about this,

and the Skipper and the
girls, we'll all be rich.

- All?

- Sure, Mr. Howell.

Don't you remember?

We all made an agreement to
share everything on the island.

- Yes, yes, I do recall
making that agreement,

but of course then we didn't expect

to find a gold mine, you understand?

Don't you know what gold
does to people, Gilligan?

- Uh-huh, makes them rich.

(laughter)

- It makes them greedy.

(upbeat orchestra music)

- It's true that Marx also had a,

he was very much against religion

because he figured things like religion

and philosophy, which he was one,

a philosopher, things of the mind were

really super structure,
these were secondary,

tertiary even, results
of the economic base.

- Why don't I buy you
out, say for $20 million?

- Buy me for money?

Bah humbug!

- Bah on money?

What are you, some kind of an atheist?

- Religion, he saw as just a means

of keeping the oppressed suppressed.

In his ideal society there
would be no need for religion.

- Skipper, I recall reading
in Professor Oldenberg's

text on primitive tribes
and customs that the more

primitive the tribe, the
more superstitious it is.

- Well with this bunch we
must have hit the jackpot.

- And they're terrified of various gods.

Now listen, if we could
convince them that we were

gods with mystical powers,
they might flee and panic.

(upbeat orchestra music)

- So individuals could
fulfill their full potential.

As whatever they wanted to be, they could

be artists, philosophers, as Marx said,

they could hunt in the morning, fish in

the afternoon, and recite
poetry in the evening.

- Your excellency.

- I am ready.

- Ready for what?

- To be executed.

- Don't be ridiculous.

- Well then you're going
to exile me of course.

- Well I never heard such nonsense.

- Then what will become of me?

- You will become a member
of our little community.

- You mean become one of the masses?

(laughter)

- I don't like to think
of ourselves that way.

We're a free society and you will be free

to do or become whatever you want.

- Anything?

- The idea was from each according to his

ability to each according to his needs.

If someone needed more
to survive, not because

they were greedy, but
to have a good quality

of life, then that person should get more.

People who didn't require so much would

get less, but each of them would be

contributing their own talents to society.

- Pretty soon the
vegetables will be ready,

Gilligan will pick them, Mary Ann will

clean them, and Ginger will prepare them.

- Yes, but on second thought,
oughtn't we do something?

- Oh perish the thought, every hive must

have a queen, the rest are workers.

- Yes, but I feel a little guilty.

Maybe we should make
some kind of an effort.

- What do you suggest?

- Well we could be host and
hostess at a dinner party.

- A vegetarian do.

- In an ideal Communist society

one would be contributing one's talents,

so if one had talents as an actor,

one would be allowed to do that.

♪ I wanna be loved by you ♪

♪ By you and nobody else but you ♪

♪ I wanna be loved by you ♪

♪ Alone ♪

♪ Boop-oop-a-doop ♪

(applause)

(dramatic orchestra music)

- I'm going to explain to you the system

of warning signals that will be used in

this country in the event
of a nuclear attack.

First, the red warning.

(siren blaring)

- [Announcer] In the cities, police and

civil defense teams clear the streets.

Meanwhile, from the Pentagon and other

key points, top defense figures are

airlifted to secret control centers

from where they would direct

America's defense and counterattack.

It was estimated over four million

would have died in New York City.

No estimates were given for the rest of

the country, but the
grim arithmetic took on

new impact for all who took
part in Operation Alert.

- [Announcer] Whatever
kind of shelter you find,

settle down and make the best of it.

If there are others with you,

help them by being as calm as you can.

And don't be discouraged.

(jazzy sax music)

♪ I'm not scared ♪

♪ I'm prepared ♪

♪ I'll be spared ♪

♪ I've got a fallout
shelter, it's nine by nine ♪

♪ A hi-fi set and a jug of wine ♪

♪ Let the missiles fly
from nation to nation ♪

♪ It's party time in
my radiation station ♪

♪ A 14 day supply of multipurpose food ♪

♪ A lot of medicine, be sure to include ♪

♪ Build your bomb bungalow,
you needn't postpone ♪

♪ There's no down
payments and an FHA loan ♪

♪ Let the tests go up in the atmosphere ♪

♪ In my fallout shelter
I'll have no fear ♪

♪ My baby and me, cozy we'll be ♪

♪ Away from radioactivity ♪

♪ 20 megatons is the size of the boom ♪

♪ And if they let it
go, I'll feel no gloom ♪

♪ Let the cats run about, helter-skelter ♪

♪ Gonna live live live
in my fallout shelter ♪

♪ I'm not scared ♪

♪ I'm prepared ♪

♪ I'll be spared ♪

♪ 20 megatons is the size of the boom ♪

♪ And if they let it
go, I'll feel no gloom ♪

♪ Let the cats run about, helter-skelter ♪

♪ Gonna live live live
in my fallout shelter ♪

♪ So if you wanna be full of confidence ♪

♪ Get survival jazz and civil defense ♪

♪ You'll live like a king
in your fallout pad ♪

♪ 'Till the all clear sounds on CONELRAD ♪

♪ Dial 640-1240 CONELRAD ♪

- Basically there are only two things you

need to know how to do
to protect your life.

One is to evacuate your
city before the bomb falls.

Because obviously, if you are caught in

the open, near ground zero, you won't

have to worry about radiation.

The bomb itself will kill you.

- [Narrator] In addition to the turmoil

caused by the attempts to adopt components

of democracy, threats to the idyllic

lifestyle come from the
outside world as well.

- Uncle Sam was this rapacious image,

was very greedy, wanting to become

wealthier and wealthier at the expense

of the worker, and was wanting to spread

this imperialist power throughout

the world so that the wealthy

Capitalists could make more money.

- Well you can't quit now,
we need them to get rescued!

- I hate being a girl, besides
he was touching my knee.

- Small price to pay for
civilization, come on, my boy!

(laughter)

Follow me!

- [Narrator] Civilization is depicted as

being fixated on military aggression and

constructing weapons of war that

inevitably come into
contact with the island.

- Projected power of this
new warhead is fantastic.

Everything within a radius of

100 miles will be totally destroyed.

No habitation, no people.

- [Lieutenant] That's wonderful, sir.

- That's approximately our position here.

- [Broadcaster] The countdown has

already started on Operation Powder Keg.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Zero!

(tense orchestra music)

(screaming)

(laughter)

- Throw it, throw it!

Throw it, throw it!

(laughter)

- The ape was obviously on
the island during the war.

He saw the soldiers using the weapons

and decided that's the
way men play together.

- [Narrator] In October of 1962, the two

world powers prepared
for nuclear war after

surveillance photos reveal Soviet

constructed missile sites in Cuba.

- [Announcer] And authorities
assembled thousands

in cities and villages
for patriotic rallies.

As in the past, these rallies are designed

to whip up hate of what Castro

calls Yankee imperialistic warmongers.

Through suggestions that a UN team

inspect missile sites, Castro said that

they had better come ready for combat.

He went on to call President Kennedy

a pirate for setting up the quarantine.

- Within the past week,
unmistakable evidence

has established the fact that a series of

offensive missile sites is now in

preparation on that imprisoned island.

The purpose of these bases can be

none other than to
provide a nuclear strike

capability against the western hemisphere.

- In my country there is a saying.

He who has gun is the leader.

March and take my bag with you.

Hand up.

(laughter)

- Are we going to submit or subvert?

- I vote for subversion.

May the Harbor Club have mercy on my soul.

(laughter)

- Where do we begin?

- With his gun.

- [Narrator] To further emphasize the

corrupt nature of the outside world,

when objects wash ashore, they are

often contaminated by radioactivity,

or are capable of mass destruction.

(laughter)

(ticking)

- That's a World War II mine.

- I told you, I told you.

- It's been a long time since I've

seen one of those babies, why I remember--

- Shhh, it's ticking.

- Ticking?

That means it's activated!

Let's get out of here,
it's liable to blow up!

- Yeah, let's go!

- It's no use, it won't help us to run.

- But it won't hurt us any.

Oh I get it.

If that mine blows up with 600
pounds of explosives, powee!

- Powee?

- Right, it would cause
such a chain reaction

that the entire island
would be demolished.

So you see, if it goes off, it doesn't

make any difference where you are.

- Look.

This looks like we found something
real good this time, huh?

- Plastics don't explode.

- But plastic explosives explode.

- Explosives?

(laughter)

(cheery orchestra music)

Oh boy, packages of seeds.

- Gilligan, is this your
idea of some kind of a joke?

- Look, a falling star!

- I believe it's gonna hit the island.

(loud explosion)

- This simple form of
Geiger counter will be able

to tell us whether that
meteor is radioactive.

- Oh Professor, if it is,
it's absolutely deadly.

- I'm afraid it's rather
difficult to walk.

- This lead makeup sure
feels funny, Professor.

- Well we need it to protect
our faces from the cosmic rays.

- [Narrator] The corrosive
effects of capitalism

and imperialism are displayed by the

people who arrive on the island.

They're often deviant criminals
and power-seeking despots.

- Hold it!

So now you know.

Before too long, a boat
will arrive to pick me up.

Until that time, I
don't want any problems.

If any problems do arise, I won't

hesitate to eliminate them.

Any questions?

- Any bullets in that gun?

(gunshot)

(laughter)

- So you see, he's a
victim of his environment.

Ever since he's been a child he's been

surrounded by crime, and it's up

to us to welcome him back to society.

Give him a chance to prove himself again.

- We used to play, but
not football or baseball.

We used to play cops and robbers.

And I was always the cop.

Never the good guy.

(laughter)

(playful orchestra music)

- Wake up, young man.

- I'm awake Skipper, I'm awake.

- I have come to rescue you.

(screams)

(laughter)

- Comrade Igor and I are
colonels in Soviet space program.

I regret to say that
we have missed landing

target and landed here by accident.

- Have you ever heard of a space

capsule with a one way radio?

- Come to think of it, no.

- Professor, what are you driving at?

- The possibility that those Russians

didn't land here by mistake.

- You mean they're planning to take

over the island and use it for a base?

- You know who I am, Gilligan.

- I know who you are, Gilligan.

(laughter)

- No no no no, I'm Dr. Boris Balinkoff.

- The mad scientist.

- No, scientist yes, mad no.

(maniacal laugh)

- You have any game on this island?

- Game?

Yeah, the SKipper's got some checkers

and I've got a deck of cards.

- No no, I mean do you have
any wild goat or wild boar?

- No no, we don't have any game

like that at all on the island.

I gotta go tell the others.

- Seven people on this island
and nobody knows they're here.

That's very interesting.

Ramon, we're going hunting.

- But you not hear?

No game on island.

- Perhaps not the four legged kind.

But I've always wondered what it

would be like to track down and

kill the most challenging of all game.

Man.

(laughter)

- Calling W-9, you there?

- [W-9] I am here, go ahead.

- We can now claim island.

- [W-9] Squatters are dead?

- [Ghost] Very dead.

- You were right, Professor.

- Whoever did this thinks
we are now dead right?

All right then, we'll be dead.

- [Narrator] The remaining visitors are

typically self-absorbed
and morally bankrupt.

- Did you come here to rescue us?

- Actually I'm here to look for a deserted

island to build a resort hotel.

- Gilligan, this is the world famous,

the world famous, Erika Tiffany Smith!

- Wow, three names.

(laughter)

- Much more, my name
is Lady Erika Tiffany,

the Countess of Capri,
the Baroness of Blenford,

and the Duchess of Devonshire and Smith.

- I'm listening to a very
important radio program,

it's called Take A Dare, and they're

talking about a guy on a deserted island.

- Oh there's nothing I'd rather hear more.

(upbeat orchestra music)

- [Host] And Barkley, you have no

fishing equipment or tool correct?

- [George] That's right.

- [Host] Then how do you
catch fish and open coconuts?

- I use my bare hands.

(laughter)

- Wow, he must be a powerful man.

- It's uncanny.

- You'll never get away with it.

- Sorry you can't come
to the party tonight.

I'll explain that you're all tied up.

(laughter)

- Lovey, don't you
recognize your own husband?

- Well I recognize his
clothes on that one.

- Yup, that's Mr. Howell all right.

- Don't you see that this
scoundrel swam ashore,

wrapped me in the head, dragged me

in the jungle and change clothes with me.

- Fantastic story.

- I don't know what to think.

(tense orchestra music)

(primal yell)

- Gilligan!

- We've got to be able
to use your transmitter.

- To call boat?

- Yes.

- No.

- No?

- Yes, no.

(laughter)

10 years ago, Dubov don't like critics.

Dubov don't like people.

Dubov don't like Dubov, so come to island.

- Oh I think you're a real
nice guy, don't you Professor?

- I think he's one of the most charming,

personable, most likable people

I've ever met in my whole life.

- Now where's the transmitter?

- When Dubov is ready, Dubov call Bob.

- All right men, now hear this.

We're not splitting from
this island for two months.

- Two months?

(laughter)

- Maybe longer.

That crazy scene last night wound us

up tighter than Presley's pants.

(laughter)

- The Mosquitoes left us a message.

- A message?

- They can write?

- Apparently.

Hi gang, me and the boys...

"Me and the boys."

Decided to take off this morning

when the helicopter
came by with provisions.

As for The Honeybees--

- As for The Honeybees?

As for The Honeybees,
you're good gals, but just

a little too good, and we've
got enough competition.

- Well hear this and hear this good,

right now a couple of my flunkies

are following me in a plane.

If you and your friends wanna be my guests

in a free ride back to civilization--

- We do, we do!

- Then remember one thing, the key

word around here is cooperation!

That is the word, cooperation!

Now who gives the orders around here?

- Mr. Harold Hecuba.

- Mr. Harold Hecuba.

- That's better.

- This may be one of the reasons why

Gilligan's Island was so popular.

Not at a conscious level, but at a

subconscious level, the notion of

getting away from the rat race,

the competition of capitalism, being off

on an island with other people who,

although you may have disagreements with,

ultimately everything was resolved within

half an hour, and all
the problems were solved.

Until the next episode.

- [Narrator] When Gilligan
foils a rescue attempt,

it may have been intentional and

done with everyone's tacit concent.

- [Skipper Voiceover]
Gilligan, his bungling,

that disarming grin on his face.

Could it all be an act?

(laughter)

- What is it?

- Help, we are marooned
on a desert island.

They spelled maroon wrong.

- Let me see that.

Gilligan, this is the note that you wrote!

- Oh yeah, I don't know
how to spell maroon.

- Give me that!

(laughter)

- Igor.

You believe they are shipwrecked?

- Of course not.

- Must be secret American space program.

- These Americans, they
think they can fool us.

- Especially Gilligan.

He acts too stupid to be stupid.

- Must be the cleverest one of them all.

(laughter)

- [Narrator] With nothing
to return home to,

the show suggests the rescue attempts

are only half-hearted, and the castaways

don't actually want to leave the island.

- Look on the bright
side Ginger, maybe we'll

never be rescued and
maybe we'll be marooned

on this island the rest of our lives.

There'll be no Broadway,
no play, no nothing.

- What's taking everybody so long?

- Maybe nobody wants to leave.

- Well of course everybody's
anxious to leave, Gilligan.

- I'm not.

- Certainly, everybody wants
to get back to civilization.

- I had fun here.

- But Gilligan, there'll
be people on the streets.

- Yeah, pushing and shoving.

- And restaurants.

- Waiting for a table.

- And you'll get paid for a day's work.

- Who cares about money?

- Oh Captain, Mr. Howell
would never forget you.

If it weren't for you wrecking the boat,

we wouldn't any of us be here.

(laughter)

- [Thurston] It's so true.

- Hi Skipper.

The raft's almost finished, all we need

is some planking and a sail and--

- Pardon me.

(laughter)

- What are you doing?

- I'm destroying the raft.

- Pardon me.

- Huh?

(laughter)

What are you doing?

- Destroying the raft.

If the world is lucky
we'll never get rescued.

(laughter)

(off-key singing)

- That boy has flipped his bonnet, I say!

- I'm not going.

- After I reserved first class
passage for seven people?

- It's not fair leaving the
professor here by himself.

Excuse me.

- But you can't stay alone
with him, it's not proper.

(laughter)

Thurston, they need a chaperone.

- Darling, they're going to
miss you at the horse show.

(laughter)

- Not me, you!

- Oh Lovey.

- I can't Skipper, I can't leave the

Professor and Mary Ann
and the Howells here.

- Count me out too.

Hollywood will just have to do without me.

- Are they gonna send a boat after us?

- So we can be rescued.

- Did you notify any authority?

- Certainly not, what in the world

would I do a thing like that for?

- So we can get off the island.

- And leave this paradise?

(laughter)

- You mean to say that nobody
knows that you're here?

- To tell the truth, I
don't know where I am.

- Man, you guys ain't lost, you're hiding!

(laughter)

- I'm leaving a message here for anybody

who might be shipwrecked in the next

million years in case they wanna get off.

(laughter)

- A message?

- What message?

(laughter)

- Home sweet home.

(laughter)

(uplifting orchestra melody)

(upbeat ukulele music)

- [Interviewer] I know you
get asked this all the time,

the Professor can make a radio out of

a coconut, why can't he fix the boat?

♪ Only one thing that will stop them ♪

♪ And their atrocious bunch ♪

♪ If General MacArthur
drops an atomic bomb ♪

- I could repair a boat in
theory, but not in practice.

♪ But they died just like heroes ♪

♪ Amid the many shot and killed ♪

♪ They had their hands tied behind them ♪

♪ And were murdered by the score ♪

♪ By those dirty minded Communists ♪

- I have a boat.

Several, I have not build a boat,

but if I had to I think I could.

♪ And the radioactivity will
burn them to the ground ♪

♪ If there's any Commies left
they'll be all on the run ♪

- I could build a boat, the
question is will it float?

(laughs)

- Professor, what
exactly are your degrees?

- Well I have a BA from
USC, a BS from UCLA,

an MA from MSU, and a PhD from TCU.

♪ Old hard headed Joe will
be feeling mighty blue ♪

♪ When he finds out he's bitten
off more than he can chew ♪

- The reason I could make
a radio out of a coconut

and not get us off the island
is because I'm from MIT.

♪ Old MacArthur has the power ♪

♪ To stop those murdering thieves ♪

♪ And he'll make them sorry
for their underhanded schemes ♪

♪ Just leave it to the general
for he really has the nerve ♪

♪ To give those no good Communists
just what they deserve ♪

- I read that with some surprise.

And I sent them, in their letters

to the editor, I sent them a letter,

and it said thank you
for placing me in such

great company, I said,
but about the order.

(laughs)