The First Wives Club (1996) - full transcript

Middlebury College, 1969,
the year of walking on the moon -

- "Yellow Submarine"
and Woodstock.

Also the year that Pope Paul the VI
eliminated 200 saints. Amen.

And l, along with my three best
friends, graduated from college.

Where's Cynthia? We've got
to get going. I mean, shouldn't we?

Calm down, Annie.
She said she had a surprise.

How is this?
Is this heaven?

Elise, you are so gorgeous. Really!
Oh, my. It's lovely.

- It's solid.
- Oh, girls.

- Cynthia.
- Here. Open. Put them on.

Oh, my God!



Oh, my God.
You shouldn't have done this.

- It's too much.
- I don't think so. It's just enough.

You'll all write me nice notes,
but now we need a toast.

- Got it.
- Pour, pour! It's picture time.

- Champagne!
- From my folks.

To Annie, Elise and Brenda.

And Cynthia,
I mean our valedictorian.

All right. We're all bound together
forever by friendship and love.

And jewelry!

And we're always going
to be there for each other.

- Oh, God! I'm gonna cry!
- Here! For the rest of our lives.

- One, two, three...
- Hows my hair?

It's good.

Mrs. Cynthia?



Teresa...

- I want you to have these.
- No, no, no.

- Yes, yes, yes.
- I cannot take...

- You just think of it as a raise, OK?
- Thank you.

Now, you take the rest of the day off.
Go on.

- Thank you.
- Would you mind mailing these?

Of the four of us, Cynthia was
certainly the most likely to succeed.

When she decided to do something -

- Shejust went ahead and did it.

Roachie. Come on, honey.
It's Mommy. Mommy's home.

Gosh, think we got any messages?

- What do you think, huh?
- Annie, dear, it's your mother.

It's 6am. Please call me urgently.

Chris! ...Honey, I thought you
were going to campus yesterday.

My classes were cancelled.
I slept here. Where were you?!

I was... I was at a friend's.

You were with that man again.
Mother, I am so disappointed.

I'm sorry, but he is your father.

He's using you.
You shouldn't let him.

It's not that simple.
The truth is I love your father.

- I'm sure he loves me.
- You're a doormat!

What's the matter with you?
Why are you so crabby today?

Is it school? ...I know what it is.

- It's a boy.
- I'm a lesbian, mom.

I'm a lesbian.
But that's not the issue here.

- When you say "lesbian"...
- Don't tell Daddy.

I want to tell him myself when the time
is right. Like Father's Day.

- Or Christmas morning.
- Chris...

Thank God, you're all right.

Where were you?
Who saw you?

- Who saw me what?
- She was sleeping with Daddy.

Muffin, you've come
to your senses. I'm so happy.

Mother, I don't sleep with Aaron.
He has problems with his partners.

He's very conflicted, and he
needed somebody to talk to.

- Doormat!
- Lesbian.

Do it, Morris.
Do it to me now. I need it.

You're the only one who does it
the way I like it. You're the king.

Any more collagen, your lips will look
like they were stuck in a pool drain.

I haven't worked in 18 months.

I have a meeting with a director
for a part I would kill for.

- I have to look sexy.
- Elise, you are sexy!

Look at yourself. You're incredible.
You're my masterpiece.

- There's not one line on your face.
- Really? What do you call that?

- And these? What are these?
- You're 45.

One more facelift,
you'll be able to blink your lips.

- Don't you want to play your age?
- My own age?!

You don't understand. There are only
three ages for women in Hollywood:

Babe, district attorney
and "Driving Miss Daisy".

And right now, I want to be young.
Science Fiction 'young"!

This is good. Maybe you should
also cut down on the booze.

I know you're upset about the divorce.

- Upset?
- You're upset about Bill's movie.

This isn't about him!
This is about my lips! Look at me.

I want Tina Turner. I want Jagger.

Fill 'em up.

Really? This is fabulous news.
Thank you. Bye... Jason!

Jason! Honey!

Yoo-hoo! "Burning Sensation"
just confirmed.

Jason!

- What?
- "Burning Sensation" confirmed.

- I got the band you wanted.
- Cool!

Affection!

Gimme that!

- What is this?
- Hebrew!

Your Bar Mitzvah's in 3 weeks...
the one thing your father will pay for.

- Learn it!
- Mom!

Don't "but, Mom" me! Learn it.
Don't shame me in the synagogue.

The separation from Aaron is absurd.

How will you fix things
if you're not together?

We're practically together.
We're seeing the same therapist.

- What?
- Her name is Dr. Leslie Rosen.

She's incredible. She helps
Aaron with commitment issues.

We're working on my self-esteem.

You're married with a daughter.
You're happy. Who needs self-esteem!

Mother!

Dr. Rosen says that...

She says you're very controlling.

Me? Controlling?

That is ridiculous.

- Mother, I...
- Roach...

Go!

What if I found somebody else,
mother? It's possible.

You're 46. You're more likely
to be slaughtered by a psycho.

Cynthia Swann Griffiin is dead. The
former wlfe of Wall Street wizard...

Didn't you go to school with her?

...jumped from her
fashionable penthouse apartment.

Mrs. Griffiin had recently divorced
her longtime husband -

- Gilbert Griffiin. The Wall Street
baron remarried only yesterday.

- Morning, Mohammed.
- Morning, Miss Eliot.

Elise!

- Oh, God. What a tragedy!
- Poor Cynthia.

And your lips!

Elise arrived with
Gunilla Garson-Goldberg.

The queen of New York society.
Nobody gets anywhere -

- In this town without
Gunilla's say-so.

Hey, Elise!

She looks wonderful.
Has she had any work done?

Honey, she's a quilt.

Then came Cynthia's
former husband Gilbert Griffiin.

A man made rich by
his fiirst wlfe's connections and now -

- Made happy by his
second wlfe's youthful good looks.

The vampire Lestat. And Louis.

What a nerve!
He should be hanging his head.

You don't know
what he feels right now.

I knew you would be here.

Alice!

- No, Annie.
- Annie!

It's so wonderful to see you.
You're wearing our pearls.

Yeah.

- Hi. It's Brenda. Brenda Morang.
- Brenda!

Annie. Remember me!

- You look wonderful.
- You do too. You look just...

- : : : uncanny:
- Thank you.

Dear, sweet, funny, yearning Brenda.

What?

- She's such a bitch.
- I hate that guy.

This might sound horrible after
that but I would really...

- I'd love to...
- Lunch?

No, you're right. It's not right.

Why? We gotta eat. I have a car.

- A limo.
- Yeah.

It is so wonderful seeing you all.

- Elise.
- What?

You have not changed a bit in 20 years.

Not one little bit.

It's utterly bizarre.

- Brenda!
- Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Ladies, would anyone like a drink?

- Yes, I would like a Virgin Mary.
- Bloody Mary.

- Vodka rocks, please.
- Now, I just want to...

...get this out of the way.
I'm the most terrible person.

I tried to stay in touch.
I should have written every month.

Annie you had a life to lead.

It must have been time-consuming,
churning out those newsletters.

It's a terrible excuse for a reunion -

- But here we all are.
How are you guys, huh?

Just fine. Couldn't be better.

- Things are rolling along for me.
- Same here. Knock wood.

knock wood.

- It's great to see you guys again.
- Cheers.

Why'd she do it? I don't understand.
Could I have helped her?

What would make her want to?

She gave Gil the best years
of her life. Sacrificed her youth...

Always put herself last to bolster
his ego, his drive, his ambition.

Just as her dignity hung by a thread,
he ran off with a pre-schooler.

- I'm guessing.
- Elise...

You too?

You... Brenda?

- Brenda?
- Morty was a big shot on TV.

He sold electronics. On our 20th
wedding anniversary, it hits...

...mid-life crisis... Major! He starts
working out, grows a mustache.

He gets an earring. I said:
"Morty, what are you... a pirate?"

'What's next? A parrot?"

Suddenly, I'm a drag. I'm holding
him back because I won't rollerblade.

- What's her name?
- Shelly.

Shelly the barracuda. She's 12.

Bren... Elise.

I am so sorry about
both of your marriages.

I wish I could have helped or
been there in some way.

- What about your marriage?
- Everything's just fine.

Aaron is so terrific...

Now, let's think... we've been
married for 25 years...

Chris is perfect. I mean,
lesbians are great... nowadays!

The marriage is going...
It's going to be really fine.

Aaron and I... we're...

...temporarily sort of...
We're separated!

- Separated.
- Separated?

Separated.

OK, Elise, the time has come...

Spill! Those lips... what's in 'em?

- Are they wax?
- Excuse me?

What else did you have done?
You can tell me.

The cheeks, the jawline...
Have just a little or the full enchilada?

I work out daily, watch my diet.

- I haven't had plastic surgery!
- Good for you!

- You look terrific.
- Come on!

You're lying through your caps!

OK, I have been refreshed a little.

- Oh, God, does it hurt?
- No.

The stuff they take off...
Can you keep it?

Come on, it's the 90s.

Plastic surgery is like good grooming.
It's like brushing your teeth.

Elise, you've been yanked, stitched,
stuffed and pulled. You're a turkey.

- And to please your ex-husband?
- No...

...to please everybody.
To please everybody!

Men, women, studio executives.
Come on, youth and beauty.

Men, that's the ticket!

When men... No, when women
get to be a certain age...

...bye, bye love. Hello, poptarts.
- That's right, baby.

It's a holocaust.

God, I wish I had the courage
to give it all up. To say...

...who gives a rat's ass.
Just let myself go like you two did.

No offense.

- None taken.
- Speak for yourself, OK!

Elise, you're gifted,
talented and successful.

Brenda, you're wonderfully verbal.

And I am seeing
a very talented therapist.

We're in our prime! By the way,
my marriage is fine, thank you.

Annie, you have an amazing attitude.

You are... so cheerful.

- You are...
- Look at me.

You are genuinely happy.

- It's a beautiful thing.
- Thank you.

Lithium?

You'd have been proud of me, Leslie.
I was the only positive one there.

There were traces of the wonderful,
witty women I knew before -

- But they're just so angry. They're so
confused. When we were young...

...we had such spirit.
- Say it, honey.

- Work from love.
- OK, work from love.

- Grow from love.
- Grow from love.

Screw the world.

- I can't say that. I'm sorry.
- Annie, you are still doing it.

- I know.
- You have a problem with anger.

You're absolutely right.

It's my... I don't know what it is!
It's my mother. It's Connecticut.

- It's all these loud noises.
- And Aaron.

I know we're separated.
But I think this is really a rest period.

We're just getting our...

- Do it, Annie! Get angry.
- I couldn't. I know that I should...

- It's just...
- Hit me.

Stand up and hit me.

I can't. I'm so sorry. Maybe...

Let it out. I want you to hit me.
Trust me. It's OK.

OK.

Rambo!

A real tough guy.
Come on, Annie...

- Hit me!
- I love that.

- My God.
- That was better.

- I'm sorry. Please don't tell Aaron.
- Time's up.

- Time to go. Do you feel better?
- Thank you.

He hasn't the guts to tell me he wants
a divorce. I have to hear it on TV.

- Elise, be cool. Be calm.
- I am!

- I saw that show. It was interesting.
- I don't want to hear it.

My client's and Miss Eliot's marriage
resulted in many successful films -

- Including "Inner Urges",
"Human Instinct" -

- And "Animal Nature" in which she
played a sensuous veterinarian.

- Thank you.
- My idea!

- Was not.
- Was too.

My client produced these films
which enhanced Miss Eliot's career.

- Therefore, she is indebted to him.
- I produced these films!

You knew nothing when I met you.

I taught you everything! What?

Those were your best years, Elise.

Therefore, we request half of Miss
Eliot's assets and a monthly stipend.

He wants alimony?

As for the sculpture, art, Japanese
porcelain and objets d'art-

- Collected during the marriage,
my client thinks it fair for Miss Eliot -

- To dispose of the items
and divide the proceeds evenly.

They were anniversary presents -

- Xmas presents. I gave him
everything. Now he wants more?!

Now, Duarto, I ask you: who's this
for? An anorexic teen? A fetus?

It's a conspiracy. I know it is. I've
had enough. I'm leading a protest.

I'm not buying any more clothes until
designers come to their senses.

Brenda worked for a
man named Duarto Feliz -

- One of the ten worst
interior decorators in New York.

I think his real name
was Duane Hemelwitz.

- It's electric. Look at this hideous...
- I can't afford it.

You've got to have it. Try it on.
You could sell a broach, your son...

Duarto...

- Morty! Look at you.
- Brenda, don't embarrass me.

Don't embarrass me.
Don't make a scene.

You've got nerve.
know what's embarrassing?

Being hassled by Mr. Zaworsky
because I'm behind in the rent.

That's embarrassing. Worrying about
how to pay for my kid's college.

You know what? You never listened.
20 years and you never listened.

Here! Try this on in the fitting
room. It looks very nice.

I could use this. It's very
beautiful. I love the color...

But what can I use for money?
How am I gonna pay for it?

The company is expanding. Not me!
I'm a mere laborer.

- You're a liar and a fraud.
- I have no money. I'm not rich.

- Why don't you look in your purse?
- Very funny.

- They're stunning, Morton. I want 'em.
- Morton?

- Oh, God, make it go away.
- Shelly, look at you.

- The bulimia has paid off.
- Don't start.

What's the matter, Morty?
Can't you buy her a whole dress?

Why don't you try these on
in your size?

- It was a delight running into you.
- You've read the script.

Yes, it is so original. It's so good.

You're so gifted, Brett.

And Monique..." Monique"...

She is a great character.

Thank you. Man, what a kick!

Elise Eliot in a Brett Artounian film.

So, tell me how do you see her?

Well, uh, I think we go for...

...grotesque.
- What?

All the way. No make-up, overhead
lighting. Bring out every wrinkle...

Every crag.
With you in the part -

- Monique's mother won't be another
Jurassic fleshbag in a wheelchair.

She's epic.

Elise Eliot,
the crypt-keeper. Wow!

Mom, I'm spending the night
at Dad's. Don't worry, I'm studying.

Baruch atta adonoy...
Happy now?

Maurice?

I want another one.
They want me to play the mother.

- Sorry.
- The mother!

Let me ask you something.

- Is this the face of a mother?
- No, ma'am.

Certainly not mine.

So I thought.

Not to be critical,
but you've no feeling for noodles.

Thank you, Mom.

Hello.

Aaron... Nothing...
Just having pasta with mother.

No, you say... Sure!

That would be good. Bye.

We're going to have dinner!
Can you believe that? Oh my God!

Do you know what this means?
It means he's re-prioritized.

He's worked through his
relationship phobias -

- His fear of intimacy, his thing about
my poisoning his food.

He's ready to recommit.

- Here we go.
- Thank you.

Excuse me, so sorry.

Una? By yourself?

Si.

- How are you?
- Hello. Allow me.

I'm not Monique's mother. Angela
Lansbury's Monique's mother.

- Shelley Winters is Unique's mother.
- Now, that's good.

- Sean Connery's Unique's mother.
- Perhaps some coffee now.

I take that back. Sean Connery
is Monique's boyfriend.

He's 300 years old,
but he's still a stud.

- I'm not happy, Maurice.
- I'm going to get you that coffee.

- Honey... I think I should go.
- I know.

Tomorrow, we could start moving
your things back in... if that's okay?

I hated seeing your side
of the closet all empty.

Dr. Rosen... she would be proud of us.
I wish she were here.

Not literally. I can't wait to tell her
how we worked it all out.

We should get therapy gold stars.

Annie...

I love you.

Come here.

Yes.

I love you.

I want a divorce.

- Stay calm.
- But we just made love!

You asked me out.

I asked you out to tell you,
but you looked so great.

I thought: "How romantic.
One last time."

- A goodbye kiss.
- But this wasn't just a kiss.

Don't be childish.
You know how you manipulate me.

- What?! Manipulate?
- Don't.

What? ...Oh my God.

- Is there someone else?
- No. This is about us.

It's really not you.

Babe?

Oh my God!

- Oh my God!
- Oh my God.

- This is very awkward.
- No, Annie was just leaving.

- You told her?
- I was totally upfront.

What? Excuse me!

Annie, this is rough.
I know that.

Rough?! Wait a minute.
I don't understand. You're my therapist?

- I'm a woman.
- He is my husband.

We've been separated for months.
Let's not overdramatize, OK?

She's allowed to be angry.
- Annie, let's use this.

He's found someone new.
You're free! Closure!

I'm sorry,
but that isn't what this is.

You're not helping us out here.

- Now, I'm sorry.
- So am I!

Very sorry I ever met you!
Sorry I loved you for all those years!

I'm sorry I was there
for you every minute -

- Of every day and supported
you in your every move.

I'm sorry!

Oh, my God.

"I wish I had talent like Elise"-

- "Brenda's humor" -

- "or your strength, Annie."

"Most of all I wish
I still had our friendship."

"Perhaps Gil isn't the problem."
Oh, God...

"Perhaps Ioneliness is."

"Please take care of each other.
Love, Cynthia."

- And on such pretty stationery.
- I have to make some calls, Mom.

- God, poor Cynthia.
- If only she had called me.

If only I were listed.

You know what? She was right.
In college we were focused.

We were brave.
We couldn't wait.

It's all over. I'm alone.
I don't have anything.

I don't have anything!

You have a son who adores you.
I'm alone! I'm Monique's mother.

But Jason's off to college pretty
soon. I'll be even more alone.

Plus I'll be a lot older.

Any more plastic surgery,
I won't be able to sleep.

I'll have to work at McDonalds!

- I'll have to do ads for adult diapers.
- I'll have to wear them.

I just spent 25 years -

- With a self-absorbed man
who is marrying my therapist...

...who lectured me on self-esteem.
- You win!

I won't be that woman anymore.
It's unacceptable.

It is unacceptable! I made
all those stupid movies with Bill.

I gave him a career
and he stole mine.

I worked behind the cash register
at his first store... in his first 15 stores!

I gave Aaron a home
and a daughter.

- I washed and ironed his shorts.
- You did?

Well, I supervised.

What do we want? Revenge?

No! We are not talking about revenge.
I am talking about justice.

I'm going to give Aaron so much
justice he won't see straight...

...if he thinks partners are trouble.
- Bill's always had it easy.

That's right. Bill's had it easy
every inch of the way.

He's always had a woman
look after him.

What would happen one day
if he didn't?

What do you think, Brenda?

I love Morty. Very deeply.

- I wouldn't want to see him harmed.
- You don't?

I want him dumped!
By Little Miss Midriff.

By that Stairmastered
L'Orealed crotch jockey.

In front of
the whole Western Hemisphere.

On the 6 o'clock news. Okay!
After that I want world peace.

Let's get serious. We helped them rise.
We can help them fall.

How are we going to do that.

We're has-beens, hanging on
by a thread. We're discards.

We're not hanging on by a thread.
Look, by being together-us-unity.

If all the first wives of the world
got together...

...what else do we need?
- Just one amazing attorney.

All we need is us.
Three women who aren't afraid to fight.

Stand up for dignity and self-esteem!
Then we'll let 'em have it.

- See this?
- What?

- Wait, right here, OK?
- OK.

See this? Put it in there.

All right. First Wives Club,
come to order.

Starting the club was easy.

Figuring out what to do next
was much harder.

We each decided to gather
information about our husbands.

- Elise, Elise...
- Yeah...

I went in search of a spy.

Why can't we call Chris
and ask her to help us?

I want her to know I support
her lifestyle completely.

- I've never been to a gay bar!
- Here we go.

Hi, I think you're just terrific.

Look at this. My God!
Isn't this great? All these women.

Yeah, maybe we'll get lucky.

Elise Eliot, right?
You're from the movies.

- Yeah...
- I knew you were gay!

I said Elise Eliot is so hot!
You're like the most -

- Amazing babe on this planet.

God bless you!

- You wanna dance?
- Uh, yeah.

Hi, Sweetie.

Mom! Hi...

We wanted to have a little...

What's the matter?

I thought we could have a little chat
about our plans.

Mom...

- You know you're in a gay bar.
- That's what's so great.

It's very women-identified and...
by the way...

I'm Chris' Mom.

Are you gay?

Sorry!

What's wrong?

My lover left mer after 18 years
for some teenager who weighs 12 Ib.

What am I going to do?

- God! That's just like me and Morty.
- Who?

Morty.

She's butch.

Nail Daddy and those
other low-lifes?

I don't mean "nail 'em".
I mean, just teach and help them.

- Vaporize them!
- Yeah, sure.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

I'm in. I'm really in.

Elise...

Elise, Chris is in!

Can you believe it? Mission
accomplished. We'd better go.

She's staying!

She's with me, babe!
Come on, honey, my place.

Brenda, you're so possessive!

Something I was just
thinking about... my resume.

Wouldn't interfere with school.
Something part-time until I graduate.

Come on, Dad.
How about a little nepotism?

I'll hire you.

I'm surprised. You've never
shown interest in advertising.

I know, Daddy.
I'm here to learn.

That's great.

Elise decided to pull the rug
out from under Bill... literally.

After all, his lawyer told her
to dispose of their common property.

Miss Eliot, you know
he hates interruptions.

Please let me
tell him you're here. Please...

Elise... what a kick!
But I'm on with the Coast.

All the good stuff goes.
The Lampico, the Ming vase.

Amari horsemen, Faberg? eggs, the
Wingback chair, the green Tiffany lamp.

Babe... what's going on?

As requested, I'm consolidating
the matrimonial assets for liquidation.

That includes these antiques
I bought for you.

- You are the best.
- Love tokens, anniversary gifts.

- Junk. Here, take that desk too.
- Elise, this hurts me.

I care about you... about us.
About the magic.

- What exactly is going on here?
- And this Japanese secretary.

- I want that to go.
- Back off, Jacko!

Elise, this isn't right. It's hormonal.
You can't do this.

- Watch me!
- But this is my stuff!

It's the 90s, Bill. Downsize!

At Jason's Bar Mitzvah
2 weeks later-

- First Wives Club
got its fiirst big break.

Thanks to Brenda's dear,
dear Sicilian uncle.

Uncle Carmine. My father's side.

Morty and I have planned for this day
since Jason was born.

- But Morty's going to be here.
- But next to me.

We're not a family anymore.

It's OK. I'll be fine.

Excuse me.

He brought her...

...to my son's Bar Mitzvah!

Is she a gift?

- Brenda, can I speak freely?
- Sure. Annie's cool.

I speak for the entire family and your
late father-my beloved brother -

- When I say Morty is garbage.
I'd be honored to take him out.

No, don't you dare. Morty the
Garbage is my problem.

I'll work it out myself.
Thanks for the thought anyway.

My angel.

For Morty to treat you this way after
what your father did for him...

Where would he be?

The first year of his business,
all his merchandise -

- Fell off one of our trucks.

You're not serious?

We were happy
to help you newlyweds.

My Morty a crook?

Check his books.
They're fiction. Bestsellers!

- Ciao.
- Ciao. Grazie.

Really liked your uncle.

- Mother! Mother! Where are you?
- Over here, bitch.

Mother, I met a man. He's an angel.

He's a God. He's a doctor.

It's perfect.

- Do I really have the part?
- Baby, you know it.

Pizza!

- Oh my God!
- Elise!

- There's the Lichtenstein.
- What the hell are you doing?

- The Dine. Take that.
- This is so cool.

- All the gym equipment.
- I'm getting a restraining order.

No, Bill, this is great.
- Hi, I'm Phoebe.

I've seen all your movies
and I want to be just like you, only me!

Phoebe, some advice...
Be afraid. Be very afraid.

- Pheebs, she's bitter.
- And take the cappuccino machine!

Bill, I have a great idea.

Wouldn't she be great
to play opposite me?

Bill is producing this new,
incredible movie -

- With this young, hot director.
I'm the star of it.

- I'm Monique.
- What?

And you can be my Mom!

While Elise cleaned out Bill's offiice,
loft and house in the Hamptons -

Brenda and I looked for an offiice.
A base for the Club.

Come in.

Look at this.
It's early everything, huh.

Oh, my goodness.
Look at this.

You know what it says?
"I beat Meryl."

- It does not. Put that down.
- Is there chocolate inside?

- Put it down!
- OK, OK.

Put it gently down.
Look. Do you believe this stuff?

I don't know where to put it.
There's no room in my warehouse.

I could have put it in my
building downtown.

- You own a building?
- Yeah, I do.

I sublet it normally, but...

...now it's... vacant.

There's a lot of work to be done.
You have to see it.

Look at this.

All right, this is perfect.

All right, girls!
This is fabulous.

While Brenda and I worked like crazy
gathering information -

- Elise spent most of her time
on the phone to her agent.

Dan Carlin, please.
Elise Eliot calling.

- Elise Eliot!
- And fiinally it came through for her.

- This is a great play!
- I told her she had to do it.

I don't want to do theater!
I haven't done theater in years!

Bill always said theater
was bad for my career...

...which actually I agree with.
- Excuse me, but this is a great role.

This is about a bitter, unloved,
emotionally barren woman.

- That's not me!
- It's you!

Thank you.

- Hello.
- It's Bill. Where's Elise?

- It's for you... Bill.
- Hello.

- Listen to me, you piece of garbage.
- I can't hear you.

I'll sue you. I'll break you.

You vindictive sack of silicone!

- That's my car, you piece of plastic!
- Oh, darn.

Bill... Lamborghini.

The Lamborghini.

He's mad. Whoo!

Elise, can I ask you a question?

Aren't you frustrated? You climb
and climb and go nowhere.

I love it! Burns off the booze.
You want to know something?

- I get my best ideas when I work out.
- You get ideas?!

It clears out my head. I think straight.
Everything makes sense.

Better start thinking because
we need Morty's books to prove fraud.

I know where they are!
Morty just bought Shelly a penthouse.

- Now, figure out how to get in.
- Duarto.

Shelly has a new apartment
that needs to be decorated.

Gunilla, I'd adore it.

Enchant?e. Au revoir, jolie!

Gunilla Garson-Goldberg personally
invited me to her society luncheon.

Why?

Gunilla Goldberg was happy helping
us, she being a fiirst wlfe herself.

Indeed, Gunilla was a 1st, 2nd, 3rd -

- And 4th wlfe, which accounted for
her very comfortable surroundings.

This is delicious!
Usually I bring my own dressing.

That fat-free ranch stuff,
but this is restaurant quality.

- Thank you.
- Can I tell you something?

When I first got your call,
I said to Morty...

'This just feels so right."
Me and Gunilla.

I used to work for Morty
as his executive assistant.

He was married to that
nightmare then... Brenda -

- A completely class-free
dumpster woman.

I said to him: "Morty, you' ve got to
move on and move up."

Now, here I am! Taste Central.

The moment I saw you... my first
impression was she's someone...

See, that's what I told him.
But he doesn't get it.

- He doesn't get a lot of things.
- Are you finished?

- Yeah, I'm done.
- Take the fork.

Fork!

All you need to enter society
is some advice and a guiding hand.

Like what?

The correct florist
and the utterly ideal chef.

Of course, a decorator... of death.

Your house is your calling card.
It has to be perfected -

- Photographed, published.

Can you really help me?
I would kill for that.

That's unnecessary.
Just two words: Duarto Feliz.

He is a genius. A gem!

Of course, he's impossible to get.
He works all the time.

Oh, my God!

There she is! Princess Pelvis.

- Gunilla says she went for it.
- Fabulous!

Johnny, let's go.

So, Duarto makes his move
and Shelly falls for it.

- Let's synchronize our watches.
- Just like "Mission Impossible".

- These people are always late.
- Shut up, Morty, and stay shut up.

- Take it easy.
- What if he doesn't like us?