The First Nudie Musical (1976) - full transcript

[dramatic orchestral music]

[wind blowing]

[men chattering]

- [Man] Come on Harry.

[men talking over each other]

- All right, all right,
all right, all right.

So it's not Gone with the Wind,

but for 60,000 bucks,
what do you want?

- A hit?

- Oh, you're cute
Benny, you're real cute.

- Hey Harry, they're
tired of cheerleaders.



They're tired of nurses.

Now if we're gonna keep
making these things,

we need a new gimmick,
something fresh.

- [Benny] That's right.

- Hey, we're hardly
breaking even.

This is bird doody compared
to what we could be making.

- [Benny] That's right.

- [Man] Hey, maybe the
bloom's off the rose

with porno, Harry.

Maybe we ought to
get into commodities.

- [Benny] That's right.

- Look, what's the
matter with you guys?

I made you guys a lot of money.

All right, so the last
picture didn't do too well.



The last couple weren't
huge hits, but come on.

I got some great ideas,
some great ideas.

- Yeah well, come on,
let's hear some of them.

- Well,

they're great ideas.

[men mumbling]

[coughing]

- Come on, Harry.

Let's end this misery.

Just sell us the studio.

With all this acreage,

we could put up a
beautiful shopping center.

We'd be much better off, right?

- Shopping center?

Come on, look, I told
you guys a million times,

as long as my father is alive
I'm not selling this studio.

What, do you want
me to kill him?

It'd kill him if he
knew I was making porno.

He still thinks I'm making
the kind of pictures he made.

I mean, look at that old man.

Look, he built this
studio from nothing.

He poured his guts into it.

All right, so he wasn't Fox.

He wasn't Warner, hell
he wasn't even Republic,

but he kept this studio alive
and I'm not selling him out.

- Well, then tell
us an idea already.

- Look, Harry,

we have done every
kind of filth there is.

Everything, you name it.

Nothing.

- Let's do one about a deer.

Call it, Anything for
a Buck, A Stag Film.

[laughing]

I'll just go sit at my desk.

- Look, you're in
big trouble, Harry.

And all she can
do is make jokes.

- Oh no, I can dance too.

Great, huh?

[soft music]

Well, not in these shoes.

I have tap shoes.

- She just danced in here.

I don't believe it.

She came in, and she told
a joke, and she danced.

I'm surprised she
didn't sing, too.

- I can sing.

- [Man] Hey, we got business.

- This is turkey doody.

- Oh, come on, Harry.

Let's stop putzing around,
now give us an idea.

- All right.

You want an idea?

I'll give you an idea.

Ah Jesus Christ, what an idea!

- Well, what is it?

- You ready?

- We're ready already.

We are going to make

the first porno musical.

- We're what?

- What the fuck are
you talking about?

A musical?

A porno musical?

- That's right, a musical.

Look, think about it
for a minute, huh?

Look at all that hardcore crap.

People don't need to go to
the movies to see hard core.

They want something new, like
you said, something different.

They don't want to
see any more licking.

They've seen enough
licking pictures.

Genitalia, it's boring.

But singing genitalia?

Oh, gentlemen.

Come on.

[guys moaning]

- Of course, you don't know.

Nobody knows, but
I'm telling you,

this can revolutionize
the business.

- Nah, it's never been done.

- Of course it's
never been done.

Have a little vision,
vision and foresight.

What, do you think those
schmucks uptown just said,

let have color, let's have
sound, let's have cinema scope?

No, no, somebody had a vision,

and the rest of the jerks just
got on the bandwagon, huh?

Look, Eddie.

We can make film history.

We can be millionaires.

- Yeah, I know.

But can we make any money?

- Can we make any money?

Look, this isn't hype gentlemen,
this is the real thing.

Look gentlemen, listen.

[piano music]

♪ The color, the camera,
the lights and the action ♪

♪ Can't you see
it on the screen ♪

♪ The bare breasts, the bare
asses passing your way ♪

♪ Fellas do you
see what I mean ♪

♪ This can be the biggest
grosser since the word gross ♪

♪ And the word gross
really says it like it is ♪

♪ There is no one, no sir
who has ever been close ♪

♪ To making such
a fortune be his ♪

♪ It's the first nudie musical

♪ What a great thing

♪ Take them to the brink

♪ Then have them
break out and sing ♪

♪ The first nudie musical

♪ Oh, what a success

♪ Even the chorus,
for us will undress ♪

♪ The first nudie musical

♪ Wow, gee, how swell

♪ How much money this can make

♪ You never can tell

♪ The first nudie musical

♪ What songs can we use

♪ Show songs and rock songs
even rhythm and blues ♪

♪ Can you see it

♪ We can see it

♪ Gotta sing, gotta dance

♪ While I'm taking
off my pants ♪

- That's right.

♪ Gotta move, gotta croon

♪ While I'm busting
out all over June ♪

♪ In the first, very
first, nudie musical ♪

- Gentlemen, just think,

there'll be girls.

- Girls.

[upbeat show tune jazz]

♪ The first nudie musical

♪ Genius abounds

♪ Think how good
it's gonna look ♪

♪ As good as it sounds

♪ The first nudie musical

♪ A masterly thought

♪ As long as we film fast
and never get caught ♪

♪ Think of the tickets
that are gonna be bought ♪

♪ What an idea, so let's
go film it real fast ♪

♪ The first, very
first, and last ♪

♪ Nudie musical

- Oh, wonderful!

[talking over each
other excitedly]

- Hey Harry, I think we
got a winner here, buddy.

- Harry baby, when do we start?

- Right away, Rosie?

- What?

- We got our next project.

Get your pad.
- I've got my pad.

- Sit.
- I'm sitting.

This is gonna be a
good one, I can tell.

- All right, all right, wait.

Now is everybody in?

- Harry, you'd better excuse us.

We're going to have a meeting.

- I think I got 'em, Rosie.

If they go for this,

it's gonna be classy and
straight up for now on.

We can make normal
pictures again.

- Wouldn't that be great?

Then we wouldn't have to
keep your father off the lot.

- Okay Harry, here's the deal.

We'll invest half,
and we'll loan half.

- What do you mean,
you'll invest half

and you'll loan half?

- I mean, we'll invest
half, we'll loan half.

We'll take the studio on
the hock, that's the deal.

Take it or leave it.

- What are you pacing for?

You're not gonna do
this, they'll screw you.

- I'm screwed if I don't do it.

I don't know, I just,

I just have a feeling
about this one.

All right, all right,
you got yourself a deal.

All right now, Rosie,
take this down.

We're gonna need sets, costumes.

- Costumes, you mean clothing?

- Yeah, yeah.

Actors.

- Actors?
Where are we gonna get people

who can screw and carry a tune?

- We'll advertise, there's
plenty of talent in town.

Oh wait, we need someone to
choreograph, someone to direct.

- I got the guy.

I got the guy.

- You got the guy,
who, what, who?

- My nephew, John Smithee.

- I know it's silly
of me to ask Benny,

but has he ever directed
a picture before?

- Look, that kid's
smart, he'll learn.

- Learn?

Look, listen Benny.

- No, you listen.

Either he does it,
or it don't get done.

Right boys?

- Right.

- Yeah, all right,
all right, all right.

We'll work it out.

- Don't worry about a thing.

The kid is great.

- Where were we?

- Sets, costumes,
actors, script?

- Script.

Script.

Here we are.

Come Come Now.

We got your girls,
we got your yaks.

All we have to do is
throw in the songs.

- Songs, songwriter.

- A songwriter.

I know the guy.

Good friend of mine, Dick Davis,

not only a good song writer,

he's the biggest pervert I know.

- Dick Davis,
songwriter and pervert.

- Well, we gotta be going Harry,

but before we go,

there's just one
slight stipulation.

- What's that?

- You gotta stick to
the original timetable.

You got two weeks to
shoot this masterpiece.

- Two weeks, for a
musical, two weeks?

- Don't sweat it, Harry.

You did Kiss My
Boots in three days.

- That had eight lines of
dialogue and 17 orgasms.

This is a musical,
a musical movie.

- Two weeks, Harry,
you know the deal.

You go over schedule,
you go over budget,

we take over the studio.

You're out.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know the terms,
I know the terms.

- Then let's get the hell
out of here, come on.

- Two weeks.

Schmucks.

Rosie!

- What?

- Look, Rosie.

Look, I really stepped
in it this time, huh?

But I know I can do it,
I know we can do it.

Goddamn it, I'm gonna
make my father proud.

- Or dead.

- Yeah.

Look, get the
advertisements in the paper.

I want them all out
today, all right?

We can do it, we can do
it, I know we can do it.

Tell me we can do it.

- We can do it Harry, we
can do it, we can do it.

- Get the advertisements
in the paper.

Sets,

costumes,

Jesus Christ, two weeks.

[uptempo big band jazz]

- Hey, far out!

- Hey, Arvin?

- I told you never
to call me that.

I could kill my mother
for naming me that.

You,

you call me, Riff.

- All right already.

Riff.

I think you see West Side
Story too many times.

I going to see a
man about a film.

- What kind of film?

- I don't know, some
kind of musical.

- Just don't touch
anybody, that's all.

No touching.

If there's touching, then
I'm going to kill somebody.

- What is this?

You think I touch
everybody I see?

Arvin, sometimes I think
you're some kind of a freak.

- Riff, Riff, look,
I'm a tough shit.

Tough shits aren't named Arvin.

- Oh, who cares anyway?

You big burrito.

I love you, and I'm going.

See you later, Arvin.

- Riff, Riff.

Bam!

[upbeat big band jazz]

- Hello.

- Do you know
anything about this?

- Oh, just what the ad said.

- Well, do we have
to be able to dance?

- Well, yeah, it
said, bring tap shoes,

rehearsal clothes,
possible nudity,

and they don't want any albinos.

- Is this SAG?

- SAG?

- Hi there.

- Hi.

- My name is George,
George Brenner.

What's yours?

- Jane.

- Hey Jane, that's really
a beautiful name, Jane.

- Why do I feel if
my name was Sonny

that you'd think it was pretty?

- Hey, easy.

- Joy Full.

Oh, Miss Full?

- Oh, that's me.

This is Miss Full, Joy Full.

Do you believe it?

- Yes I do.

Hello, Miss Full.

I'm Harry Schechter.

This is Eddie Smirnoff.

My secretary, Rosie,

and the man at the piano is
our composer, Dick Davis.

- Hi.

- Well, would you like tell us
a little bit about yourself?

What have you done?

- Oh, I've done fellatio,

and straight fucking,

and some minor beastiality, too.

- Okay.

Well, would you like to do
a little something for us?

- Sure.

[panting]

[squealing]

- Thank you.

Thank you, Miss Full.

That was

very good.

Look, I don't know
if you know this,

this film has
singing and dancing.

Did you bring anything
to sing for us?

- No.

- No.

Well, could you just
sing scales for us then?

- No.

Yeah, sure.

- Okay, Dick?

[piano music]

♪ Scale

♪ Scale

♪ Scale

- Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, Miss Full.

Well, we'll be in touch, okay?

- Thank you, bye now.

- Bye.

Her orgasm wasn't too bad.

- Are you kidding?

That was the worst
orgasm I have ever seen.

- All right, all right.

Let's get on with it then, okay?

♪ Scale

- Let's get on with it.

♪ Scale

Juanita Juanita.

- Hey all you wonderful people.

How are you, today?

- Yeah, just fine, fine.

How are you?

- Ready to roll.

- [Harry] Well, what can you do?

- I do a lot of things.

- Well, can you sing for us?

- I would not only
like to sing for you,

I like to sing for you.

Are you ready Mister Piano
muchacho.

Bueno bueno bueno.

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha

[singing in foreign language]

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha

[singing in foreign language]

- Thank you, thank
you very much.

Just a minute.

I'm happy to inform
you, Miss Juanita,

that you will have
a part in the film.

- I have a part, in the film?

I'm so happy, I'm
jumping for joy.

♪ But touch me

♪ I'm you

- Very good, very good.

I think we'll be able
to work something out.

- [George] Hey, far out.

- Hey, far out, okay, thank you.

Thank you.

Now remember, please remember

to call me at George
Brenner, 223-5486.

And please remember to call,
even if I don't get the part.

♪ So touch me

♪ I'm you

[Rosie cackling]

[piano music]

♪ I wanna fuck I wanna suck

♪ But you're a schmuck
I'm outta luck ♪

♪ You can't suck
or drive a truck ♪

♪ Or pass the buck or eat
a duck it's nip and tuck ♪

♪ All the way

♪ So I think the
only thing to do ♪

♪ Is turn gay

- [Harry] Next.

What have you done, Miss Jones?

- Well, not too much.

I just got out
here from Indiana.

- Well, do you know what
kind of movie this is?

- Well no, not really.

I just want to do a movie.

- Well, do you sing and dance?

- [Miss Jones] Oh yes, I do.

- Are you willing to
perform in the nude?

- Well, sure.

As long as I don't have
to take my clothes off.

- Excuse me for a minute.

She's perfect for the
ingenue in this film.

- What ingenue in this film?

There is no ingenue
in this film.

- But there's going to be
an ingenue in this film

and she's perfect for it.

Miss Jones, you have the
part, if you want it.

- I do?

Now, Rosie will call you
and give you all the details.

Okay?

Oh thank you, thank you so much.

Who is next?

- That's it, thank God.

- Gee.

Well I gotta get
up to the office.

Benny's bringing
around his nephew,

I'm supposed to
meet him up there.

- Boy, did you believe
that nude Buck and Wings?

What about the world's
only nude one man band?

- Wasn't as bad as the guy with
the plastic extension piece.

- I kinda liked him.

- He could play a
great game of snooker.

- True.

[soft piano music]

♪ I just got out
here from Indiana ♪

♪ I hit this big town today

♪ I came to be in
the moving pictures ♪

♪ At my first try
what did they say ♪

♪ They said yes so I
guess I'm on my way ♪

♪ And though I know this movie

♪ Is not exactly what
you call class A at all ♪

♪ That's not the
way at all I feel ♪

[upbeat orchestral music]

♪ Everything's going, I'm
moving not slowing down ♪

♪ And my world is looking fine

♪ I found the luck that
I knew I would need ♪

♪ And the lights and the
smiles will be mine ♪

♪ Shy, unprotected,
and yet I expected ♪

♪ To make my own
name, my own way ♪

♪ Frightened and scared,
but it all worked out right ♪

♪ There'll be lights,
there'll be smiles every day ♪

♪ And they warned me
this town would be ♪

♪ Very hard, and full
of sad, lonely nights ♪

♪ But it's just the opposite

♪ And its bright
neon calls me on ♪

♪ Look at those
beautiful lights ♪

♪ They tell me

♪ Everything's fine now
the world can be mine now ♪

♪ My past, it's a
thing of the past ♪

♪ Dull, dreary days are
all done for me now ♪

♪ I'll have lights, I'll
have smiles now at last ♪

♪ There'll be smiles,
there'll be lights ♪

♪ There'll be beautiful nights

♪ There'll be beautiful
sights to see ♪

♪ There'll be lights,
there'll be smiles ♪

♪ Just for me

- I don't know, I don't know.

Look, all I know is
he's got this nephew

who thinks he's a director.

I got no choice, no
nephew, no money.

He's probably some
overweight, heavy breathing,

sadomasochistic,
necrophiliac, Nazi rapist.

I mean, look at Benny, right?

[knocking on door]

Wait, hold on, I
ordered some lunch.

I think the guys
here, come on in,

come in, come in,
come in, come in,

put it right in
here on the desk.

I hope they put the
cream in at this time.

Where's the sandwich?

You didn't forget the
sandwich, did you?

Where's the coffee, I
don't even see the coffee.

Look, hold on for a second.

What kind of delivery
service is this, anyway?

You get back to that
slop factory you work for

and you tell them to
bring me what I ordered.

And hurry it up, okay?

You wouldn't believe it,
you order some lunch,

they send some kid
up here with nothing.

I mean the kid brought nothing.

The kid-

Oh shit.

Oh shit, I'll call
you back later.

Hey kid!

Are you Benny's nephew?

Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm Harry Schechter.

It's very nice to meet you.

Just come on in and
sit, pull up a chair.

Look, I'm sorry I didn't
know who you were.

I was expect-

a delivery service.

I thought your Uncle
Benny was coming with you.

- Oh, he was, but he couldn't,

come.

Was something about
seeing some Dolly,

or maybe it was Hello Dolly.

[laughing]

He couldn't come.

- Yeah.

Well it's John, isn't it?

- What is?

- Your name?

- It's John.

- Wonderful.

Now, John, as you know,

your Uncle Benny
got you this job,

and as you know, and as I know,

you've never directed
a picture before,

but that's okay, that's okay.

He says you're willing to learn.

Right?
- Right.

- Right.

I really didn't know
you were this young.

- Oh, I just look young.

I'm really 23.

- 23?

Now look, John.

I don't know if your
Uncle Benny told you

about the kind of
picture we're making.

- He said it was a musical.

- Yeah, well it is a musical,

but it's not an
ordinary musical,

it's a tits and ass musical.

- Tits and ass?

- A pornographic musical.

- A pornograph? [laughing]

- Look John,

I know you have a wealth
of sexual experience,

and a panorama of
sexual knowledge,

but to be honest on the outside,

you look innocent,

you know like you don't know
your ass from your elbow.

- Oh, I know I give
the appearance of

being very innocent but
I really do have a wealth of

sexual experience
and a panorama of

knowledge.

- Fine.

But we only have two weeks
to make this picture.

Now, tomorrow you're
gonna be meeting the cast.

Now most of them are veterans.

- Is Chill Wills
in it, Andy Devine?

- No, no, no, John, a
veterans of many porno films.

So when you go in
there tomorrow,

you gotta act like you know
what you're talking about.

You gotta be gutsy, you
gotta use filthy language.

Otherwise they're gonna
walk all over you.

Now, this picture has
everything, John, we got your,

tits, ass, fucking,
fondling, oral sex.

You don't have anything
against oral sex, do you, John?

- No, I like to talk about sex
as much as the next fellow.

- Oh boy, are we in trouble.

- Why?

- Listen, like I said,

we both know you're a
dean on sexual matters,

but when you go
in there tomorrow,

you gotta act like you
know what you're doing.

You gotta pretend to know
how to make a picture, huh?

You gotta, you gotta be strong.

You gotta let them
know who's boss.

Now go home,

go home, read,

do research.

See Deep Throat, I don't know.

- Deep what?
- Deep Throat.

Look.

- Where is that playing?

- I know we're
gonna be pals, John.

And it's just gonna be great.

Now I want you to call me Harry.

- Harry.

- You can call me
Mister Schechter.

All right, now I want
you to be here tomorrow,

one o'clock, Stage 8,
check the production, okay?

- Schechner.

- Schechter.

Schechter.

Schechter.

- Where's that?

It's here, John,
it's right here.

All right now, great.

Now it was really nice
meeting you, John,

and I couldn't be happier.

It's gonna be great,
it's gonna be just great.

- Great.

- Okay?

- Okay, thanks,
Mister Schechner.

- Schechter.

Goodbye, John.

[chuckling]

[piano music]

- Yeah, I worked
for him once before.

Kung Fu Sex Slaves.

- Oh yeah.

You were the one that did
it going up the ladder.

- Yeah.

- You were great.

- Oh, thank you.

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha

[singing in foreign language]

♪ La cucaracha, la cucaracha

- Hi there, my name is
George, George Brenner.

What's yours?

- Juanita.

- Juanita, that's a lovely name.

- Thank you very much.

[ringing]

- You got something
else you wanted to say?

- No, I think that's about it.

♪ Every time

Oh, bullshit.

- You wouldn't believe it.

He looks like he just got
out of high school, and dumb.

- A real talent, huh?

- Look at these people.

Oh, we're gonna need a miracle.

- Hello, Mister Schechter.

Mary La Rue, remember?

I want to thank you for
casting me in your picture.

- Well, you're very
talented, Miss La Rue.

Excuse me.

- Oh, he's sweet.

He's my kind of man.

I think that I'm probably
his kind of woman, too.

- Really?

- Listen honey, since I am one
of the leads in this picture,

well, in my last picture,

they sort of gave me my
own little dressing room,

so I didn't have to be
around all the people.

Do you think we
could arrange that?

- Well honey, we do
have a dressing room,

but it's not real
close to the set.

- Oh, that's quite all right.

Where exactly is it?

- New York.

- Now, do you have
all the information?

- Yeah.

- Okay, you got this stuff here?

All right, now it's great

to have you on the
picture, Eunice.

- You know I love working
with you, Mister Schechter.

- Look, how have you been?

- Well, aside for my
emotional, social,

and sexual life, I've
been great, just great.

- Same old Eunice.

Get this one too.

All right, now the director
should be here any minute.

- Oh, who is it this time?

- John Smithee.

- John Smithee?

- Oh shit!

- Has he said, oh shit, yet?

- All right, everyone sit down.

Just sit down.

What the hell is this?

- Do you think it's too much?

I mean, I saw a picture in
a film book on directors.

Nifty, isn't it?

- Nifty, oh yeah, it's
great, it's great,

only we're not doing
The Blue Angel, John.

- You don't like it.

You hate it.

You think I look like an idiot.

- Look, don't get crazy, John.

I think that if
you just took off

the beret and

the scarf and the jodhpurs,

look, I don't know, just
don't lose your confidence.

Just get in there and talk to
'em, like we said yesterday.

Okay?

- I'll try Mister Schechner.

- It's Schechter.

- Schechter.

- Okay.

First, I'd like
to welcome you all

and say how happy I am to
have you in the picture.

You all know what kind
of a movie we're making.

And we have hardly any time
at all to shoot this picture,

but if we all work together,
I know we can pull it off.

We,

that is to say
are very fortunate

to have a very
talented director.

And I know he wants
to say a few words.

I'd like you all to
meet John Smithee.

[group applauding]

Talk.

- Hello.

My name is J...

John Smithee,

and I will be
directing this film.

We will, of course shoot it

at the ratio of 1.85
to 1, using a camera.

Fuck.

It will of course be montages,
flash cuts, fade outs,

add-ins, an occasional pan,

always of course,
using the camera.

Eisenstein and I work
very much the same way,

and he, of course, continues

to make great
moneymaking pictures.

- Oh, please God, why me?

- Now, as Mister Sheckler said,

we don't have a lot of time.

So I will, of course expect
hard work, cooperation,

diligence, photography,
sound, and color.

Shit, we can make a fucking
good bitch of a bastard movie,

if we all pull together and work

as a whore-loving
cunt penis team.

Thank you.

[laughing]

- All right, all
right, everyone.

Take five, take five,

and then we'll get to work.

- How was I?

- You were wonderful John,
you were just wonderful.

- Marvelous.

- I was?

- Oh, yes yes.

[tapping]

- Oh, okay, kids, gather
around here, all right?

This is Dick Davis,
our composer.

And he's gonna be teaching you
the songs as he writes them.

Dick?

- I just wrote this
five minutes ago,

it's gonna be a big production
number, the title song.

So let's learn it,
one, two, three, four.

♪ Come, come now

♪ The boys are
late, late, late ♪

♪ Working on you
far ahead, but now ♪

♪ And I'm telling you

Shit.

♪ And I'm telling you dear,
that it better be now ♪

♪ Or I won't be able to
stop so come, come now ♪

Got it gang?

[singing in the distance]

- Ready, and.

- How do you do it?

How do you attract
all of those men?

I sure wish I could do it.

- Well, honey,

some of us were born with
it and some of you weren't.

You're a great script girl.

Do what you do best.

- Hi baby.

How you doing?

That's really hard work, huh?

Glad we got a break.

You know, I don't think
we've been introduced.

My name is.

- George Brenner, I know.

I heard you telling
everybody else.

- Oh.

♪ I'm not the bomb,
I'm not a cripple ♪

♪ So tell me why won't you
let me hold your nipple ♪

- No, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Action.

- Is this where I give head?

- Head?

What's head?

- Can you believe it?

And we start tomorrow,
there's so much to do.

- Well, that director you hired
isn't exactly Mister Speed.

- I didn't hire
him, he was a gift.

Listen, I had no choice.

I mean, we got to finish
this picture on time.

That's all there is
to it, no matter what.

Well, I gotta be off.

I got to have dinner with
that Mary La Rue tonight.

It's important, she said.

- Well, give her my best.

- I get the feeling you're not

terrifically fond
of Miss La Rue.

- Are you kidding?
She's terrific.

She has all the qualities
I admire most in a woman.

She's opportunistic, pushy,

self-centered and a bitch.

Enjoy Harry.

- Thanks a lot.

Look, stick around
and see if the guys

finish up on time, okay?

See ya.

- I'll just stick around

and see that these
guys finish up on time.

Okay guys, I'm just
gonna stick around

and see that you all
finish up on time.

[upbeat orchestral music]

- Quiet, quiet.

Quiet down, let's
have a rehearsal.

Places.

- Mister Smithee?

In this scene, you want me to do

just a regular
ordinary orgasm, right?

- I think in the scene,

I think in this number, you,

let me just line up the shot.

- They want one on
the set tomorrow, oh.

- Oh shit.

Listen, John?

Could you do us a big favor?

- Yes, yes, yes,
Mister Schechter, what?

- Could you run out
and get us some donuts?

You know, we could really
use some energy food.

- Donuts?

What about the rehearsal?

What about the shot?

- We'll just hold everything
just the way it is

till you get back.

- You're sure?

- Of course, you
just take your time.

John, I think you should get
one donut of every kind,

you know, just in case.

And if they're out,

I think you'd better go
to another store, okay?

- Okay.
- All right.

John.

[light instrumental music]

All right, everyone,

here's the way we're
gonna do it, place.

- [Man] Orgasm, take one.

[moaning]

[piano music]

♪ Orgasm's

♪ A short spasm of
love, sweet love ♪

♪ Orgasm

♪ Sure has 'em

♪ Doin' it nicely,
doin' it nightly ♪

♪ Doin' it nicely nightly

- [Man] Lesbian
Butch Dyke, take one.

- No, I don't smoke.

No, I don't drink.

- Just relax, honey.

All I want to do is touch you.

Caress you.

Kiss you.

Do dirty things to your body.

Just think of me as a friend.

- Are you a homo?

- You bet your nipple.

[dramatic piano music]

♪ Oh, lesbian, butch, dyke

♪ You can call it
what you like ♪

♪ But it's what I am and
what I'll always be ♪

♪ Oh, lesbian, butch, dyke

♪ And that's why
they call me Mike ♪

♪ And not Jane or
Susan or Penelope ♪

♪ I have a leaning towards a
meaningful new tete a tete ♪

♪ But if there's a
man in the vicinity ♪

♪ And if he infers he'd
like to get in it he ♪

♪ Not only won't, the
only thing he'll get ♪

♪ is a lesbian, butch, dyke

♪ You can call it
what you like ♪

♪ But it's what I am

♪ It's what I am and
what I'll always be ♪

♪ Ole

- Done some great work, John.

- Oh, thank you,
Mister Schechter.

I really don't remember
doing all of it,

but I guess that can happen
during creative fervor,

huh, Mister Schechter?

- It's all yours, John.

You just keep up the good work.

- Oh, I'll try Mister Schechter.

- That's my boy.

Now you better go get ready
for tomorrow's work, okay?

- Right. Okay.

- What were you going
to do for dinner?

- I was gonna eat.

- Would you like to go out?

- Sure, what time?

- Pick you up at seven.

- It is seven.

- Then I'm here.

You ready?
- Yeah.

Sorry I took so long.

- It's okay.

[crowd murmuring]

- Well, yes.

You know, I believe
in a fluid camera,

you know a Minellian camera.

- Who gives a shit?

- You know, I believe in a,
you know, a fluid camera,

a Minellian camera.

- Oh, me too.

- Oh Harry please.

- Look, you got a finger number,

you got to have fingers.

- Oh please I beg of you
Harry, cut the finger number.

Look at this, look, you can't.

- Look at this.

Look at this.

They're all standing
around eating donuts.

- Now, now, Harry,
you promised me

you weren't going
to get excited.

- Yeah, you're right,
It's only nine o'clock.

That means they've only
been standing around

eating donuts for two hours.

John!

- I'm coming, I'm coming.

I'll be right.

Oh wait, wait, let
me just get you.

- Come here.

- Yes, Mister Schechner yes,

good morning,
hello, how are you?

Donut?

- I don't think so, John.

- Really?

I mean, I got them on
my way in this morning,

so I wouldn't have to
leave the, you know, the-

- Set?

- Set, yes, sorry, are you
sure you wouldn't like one?

I mean, because I've
got all kinds here.

I got glazed, glazed,

I must've got a glazed box.

- John, would you
put them down now?

I think that we're supposed
to be doing a number here,

don't you think?

Why isn't anything going on?

I'm talking, John,
what are you doing?

- I'm trying to, I can't find
any place to put the donuts.

- Just drop them, John.

Just drop, look, just
drop them on the floor.

Drop them on the floor, John.

- They'll get dirty.

- I'll handle this.

Give me the donuts, John.

- I thought you didn't want any?

- I think what Harry
is trying to say here,

is that you'd better start

rehearsing everyone
for the number.

I think that's what
Harry's trying to say.

Only Harry's having a
seizure at the moment.

- Right.

Then what I'll do is
I'll start rehearsing

and I'll get the number, right.

- All right, let's
get this rehearsal,

all right, now this
is the dildo number.

Every dildo works, all right?

- Okay, okay, everybody.

Dildos.

Mary, let's go.

- It's Miss La Rue to you, bozo.

Hello Harry.

- I got dibs on the
crane for rehearsal.

- Dibs on the crane?

- How's it going, Harry.

- Oh, great, great.

- Hey listen, can I
see you for a minute?

- Yeah, what's up?

- Benny is very upset
about the script.

Guy's come up with
some great jokes

and he thinks they'll
really help the picture.

He wants you to come
over and hear 'em.

- Jokes, what is he
talking about, jokes?

He wants jokes?

Tell him to come down here,
I'll put him in the picture.

- That's just it, Harry.

If you don't go see him,
he will come down here.

- All right, all right.

I'll give him five
minutes, all right.

Just wait here, okay?

Look Rosie, you gotta
help me out here.

This is an incredibly
important number.

So stay here, watch everything.

Make sure you handle it, okay?

I love you, I love you.

Okay, come on Eddie.

Let's get out of here.

- Okay, everybody.

This is a full rehearsal.

Everything works.

- Lights, cameras, action.

- Take him up.

Music, Dick.

And action, Mary.

Oh belles.

[birds singing]
[piano music]

♪ We're just dancing
dildos are we ♪

♪ Dancing you see just for you

♪ We're just dildos
out on a spree ♪

♪ Happy to be here with you

♪ Dancing dildos
we meet the test ♪

♪ We'll stand up tall and
then you do the rest ♪

♪ And then

♪ Dancing dildos aren't
we gay, yes sir ♪

♪ Dancing all
night and all day ♪

♪ Dancing dildos,
dancing our life away ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like to play

♪ Come on and dance with us

[humming]

- Belles, push your buttons.

[kazoo music]

- John.

John, stop the crane.

John.

- Take me up.
- John! [screaming]

- Take me down.

- Rope burns.

My hands.

All right John, John?

No, no, John.

No, no.

- Ow! Dildo jerk.

[crashing]

[indistinct]

- John, cut.

[muffled speaking]

We've gotta get Harry.

[crew yelling]

- Put down for a closeup.

- Cut.

Cut, stop the music!

I will not do the scene

until these damn dildos
know their steps.

I am an actress.

I've studied with Strasberg,

and I don't need this shit.

I'm going to my dressing room.

- John?

- Yes.

- John, I think we
need another rehearsal.

You'd better go and talk to
Mary and see what you can do.

You.
- I?

- You are the director.

[hammering]

- What is it you little twerp?

- Excuse me, Miss La Rue.

I know you and I have
the utmost respect

for each other as professionals.

- Who said you could
come in my room?

Get back behind that line.

- I'm sorry.

Look, can we talk
nicely about this?

- No, we cannot.

- But.

- Look, John, I think we
need some more donuts.

I'll talk her.

- Donuts, great.
- Great.

Now what's this, huh?

- Harry, I'm so glad
you came to talk to me.

I don't like any of the
other people on this picture.

- That's okay, they
don't like you either.

Now listen, sweetheart.

I got a picture to make here.

I can't replace you, you're
in too much footage already.

And then you throwing
me way behind schedule.

And I was behind schedule even
before there was a schedule,

so stop jerking around, okay?

- Well, that does put us

in a bit of a
predicament, doesn't it?

Kiss me, Harry.

I said, kiss me, Harry,

then I'll do the scene.

- Oh shit.

[clapping]

- Real cute Harry.

You ought to be in the picture.

- Look, now get in there
and do this scene, okay?

- Anything you say, Harry.

Not his type of woman, huh?

Tough titty, isn't it?

- That's what I've heard.

- Ooh, real cute honey.

- Thanks, honey.

- She's blackmailing
me, do you believe it?

- No.

- [Man] Perversion, take one.

- Hello, all you
wonderful perverts.

I am so happy to be
with you tonight.

[piano music]

♪ Perversion

♪ Anything goes

♪ You name it, I'm game it

♪ Wouldn't matter
what game you chose ♪

♪ I'll play hard to get
if that gets you hard ♪

♪ I'll be the queen
or I'll be the king ♪

♪ You deal the cards

♪ Perversion

♪ Whatever's fair

♪ Give voice to a choice you

♪ Wouldn't ordinarily dare

♪ Some horseplay or
a bit of coitus ♪

♪ We'll be so wild if
they ever arrest us ♪

♪ They'll never acquit us

♪ So bind me and tie me

♪ Free me and fly me

♪ Pay up and buy me

♪ Or do something worse

♪ As long as it's perverse

♪ Perversion

♪ Isn't it fun

♪ To do things,
such new things ♪

♪ Things that people
think can't be done ♪

♪ I'll wear black lace and
naughty, sexy regalia ♪

♪ Or if you like you can dress
up in that paraphernalia ♪

♪ So let's just not sit here

♪ Let's get down to it here

♪ It won't hurt a bit here

♪ Or maybe it will

♪ Perversion my old thrill

[phone ringing]

- Screening room.

Eddie.

Eddie, what are
you talking about?

Eddie, Eddie.

I can't go to the goddamn
racetrack with you.

I'm trying to make
a picture here.

Wait, wait, hold on.

What's the matter?

- It's chaos down there.

- Goodbye Eddie.

- What, what?

- It's Mary La Rue, she
scared the actor that has to,

he can't seem to make
it get, he can't get.

- Oh, shit.

- Harry, I've gotta get
out of this business.

- Now.

Think about the scene,

and action.

- [Man] Scene swats
on nerve, take 12.

- Will you get that
thing up already?

Come on, boy.

Come on, up.

Up, up, come on.

Come on, come on.

Oh cut, cut.

- All right, all right.

What's the problem here?

- I wouldn't work with this
bitch if my life depended on it.

Get yourself another penis.

- Well, you've really done
it this time, haven't you?

- No, but I'd like to.

Why don't you do
the scene, Harry?

- Yeah Harry, why
don't you do the scene?

- Look, would you
get on the phone?

Get me a stunt cock, one
that doesn't scare easily.

- Stunt cock?

Did you just ask me
for a stunt cock?

- Stunt cock.
- Stunt cock.

Where can I find that,
in the Yellow Pages?

- In the meantime, Harry,

why don't you come on
up to my dressing room?

- Look, don't make
me get violent.

Just be ready to
do the scene, okay?

You understand?

- Oh, I love it when
you get angry, Harry.

Admit it Harry, we're
perfect for each other.

Even our names,

Harry and Mary.

- Just be ready
to do the scene.

[people chatting]

- Pardon me?

This is stage five, isn't it?

- Yeah.

- Good.

- Are you always like that?

- Yeah, always.

- John?

Here's a stunt cock.

- Your stunt cock is here.

Your stunt cock is here.

- Ah.

Now, Mister,

I'm sorry, I didn't
catch your name.

- Henry Schlong.

- Schlong?

That Chinese?

Now in the scene,

you know, I,

I wouldn't wear the dark
glasses or the hat because,

in the scene you're supposed
to be a, you know, making love.

- I'm not here for making love.

I'm here for fucking.

I do this eight hours a day.

[laughing]

- Now in this scene.

- He knows what to do, dipshit.

- Oh, very well.

Shall we get a rehearsal?

- Rehearsal?

Just roll the goddamn camera.

- Fine,

lights, cameras.

- Knock it off.

Action.

- [Man] Cock inserts, take one.

[Mary moaning]

- You say you're
always like this.

- Always.

Something about
my body chemistry.

I have a perpetual erection.

[Mary moaning]

- [Man] We ran out of film, cut.

- John, you ran out of film.

[Mary still moaning]

- Cut.

[Mary moaning]

[coughing]

Cut.

Why disturb them?

We'll tell them later.

- See ya.

- God, wouldn't you love
to have somebody like him?

God, I sure would.

- He was just so big.

He was just so big.

- Yeah, well you got
someone better, right?

- Oh right.

But he was just so big.

It was just so big.

[funky music]

- Well, it's not bad, not bad.

But we're so far behind.

We only have two days left,

and that dumb kid just
keeps hanging around.

- Why don't you send him
on some more errands?

- Where can I send him?

We got 8 million donuts piled
up in the back of the stage.

I got it.

- What?

- We'll send him
for script changes.

- Script changes?

- To Wanda's.

- Wanda.

John?

[laughing]

- Wanda, oh Wanda?

Wanda?

Excuse me.

I'm supposed to

pick up some script
changes from someone named,

Wanda.

- Sure, honey.

We understand.

- But Wanda's a
little busy right now.

- Could, could, could, could
one of you give it to me?

- You bet, sugar.

♪ Hello honey, what'cha
doin' tonight ♪

♪ I haven't seen you around
here, you must be new ♪

♪ Hello honey, what'cha
doing tonight ♪

♪ Because whatever it is
I'd like to do it with you ♪

♪ You've got a nice
face, nice smile ♪

♪ C'mon up to my
place for a while ♪

♪ Don't you see now
how the time is right ♪

♪ So tell me honey
what'cha doin' tonight ♪

- Oh, I was just leaving.

♪ Hello honey, what'cha
doin' tonight ♪

♪ You want an evening's worth
of fun you just say the word ♪

♪ C'mon, honey,
what'cha doin' tonight ♪

♪ 'Cause if you feel uptight,
we're gonna get that cured ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ It could be so nice
with you tonight ♪

♪ Believe me babe
the price is right ♪

♪ C'mon, honey, you
just fight that fright ♪

♪ And tell me honey
what'cha doin' tonight ♪

- Thank you.

♪ I've got an empty room
just sitting there ♪

♪ And I would like to
fill it up with you ♪

♪ It hasn't got a sofa,
it hasn't got a chair ♪

♪ It's only got one piece
of furniture but it'll do ♪

♪ Hello, honey,
what'cha doin' tonight ♪

♪ Hello, honey,
what'cha doin' tonight ♪

♪ Nice face, nice smile, c'mon
up to my place for a while ♪

♪ Don't you see now
how the time is right ♪

♪ So tell me honey
what'cha doin' tonight ♪

- I'm having dinner
with my mother.

♪ Honey what'cha doin' tonight

- I'd really love to stay.

♪ Honey what'cha doin' tonight

- Call girls.

♪ Honey what'cha doin'...

♪ tonight

♪ Tonight

- Oh la la, la la
la la la la la la.

Oh yeah, far out.

Oh, right.

[yawning]

- Cut, cut cut cut.

Mary, Mary, what are you doing?

Oh Harry honey, I
hate to be a pooper,

but with a cock in me.

- Why should now
be any different?

- Listen you bitch,

I've had just about
all I can take of you.

- You know, somehow I don't
mind being called a bitch,

especially when it
comes from the original.

- Harry, are you going
to allow this person

to talk to me like this?

After all I am the star.

How dare you talk
to me like that.

Do you know who I am?

- Why, can't you remember?

- Get out of here.

- You get outta here.

- What?

You heard me, I've
had it with you.

- Oh, but Harry honey.

- Don't give me any of
that Harry honey bullshit.

You are the one who's
getting out of here,

and you're getting out now.

Now you're fired.

Get outta here.

- Well, I never.

- Oh, really?

- Fag!

[somber harmonica music]

- Okay everyone, it's a wrap.

I'll see you all
tomorrow at seven.

- [Man] It's a wrap.

- I'm sorry, Harry.

- It's not your fault.

She had it coming for
a long time, anyway.

I got no star.

I got one day left.

Those sons of bitches
are gonna win.

- No, they're not.

You'll think of
something, you always do.

- Yeah.

Something will work out.

Or I can be shopping here
in a couple of months.

Schechter not Schechner.

[mumbling]

[tingling music]

I've got it.

Goddamn it, I've got it.

- I'll go back to the
House of Pies [indistinct].

I still have that outfit.

I ended up.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

- [Harry] I got
it, Rosie I got it.

- Well, I didn't give it to you.

[phone ringing]

- Harry?

I'm sorry, I was still asleep.

What is it?

- Look Rosie, I figured
out what's gonna save us.

I figured out who's
gonna do the number.

- [Rosie] You did, great, who?

- Three guesses.

- Harry, it's 3:30
in the morning.

Don't play three guesses

with a person at
3:30 in the morning.

Who's gonna do the number?

- You.

- Harry, you must be
having a very bad dream.

Go back to sleep.

- Oh no, no, no dream.

Now look, come on.

You've seen the routine
a hundred times.

I've seen you tap dance,
I know you can do it.

Come on, if you
don't do the number,

you're gonna make my
father a very unhappy man.

And at 85, he doesn't
need the aggravation.

Now, come on,
there's no pressure.

Just take your time.

Okay, times up Rosie.

- Harry, I can't, really.

- Please, please,
please, Rosie for me.

- You got it.

Gee, I'm glad there
was no pressure.

- [Harry] Rosie, I love you.

- I love you too, Harry.

- Okay, all right,
now go back to sleep,

I'm gonna call
George and tell him

you're doing the
number with him.

Okay, bye.

- Bye.

Oh shit.

- Thanks a lot, Jay.

See you later.

- God, 5:00 a.m.

Hi there, what are you doing
out this late all alone?

My name is George,
George Brennan.

- Give me your money.

- My, you have a deep voice.

Didn't even tell me
your name, ya creep.

I don't believe it, mugged
in front of my own building.

All right.

- Mugged in front
of his own building.

I don't believe it, if it's
not one thing, it's another.

How the hell can you make
a picture around here.

- Stop pacing.

His eye can't be all that bad.

- George?

All the makeup in the world
isn't going to cover that thing.

About the only good
thing that's happened

is that John hasn't showed up.

- Maybe he's still at Wanda's.

- All night?

- Hi girls, how are you?

That's a nice set of
knockers you got there.

Beep beep.

Well, what are we all
standing around for, huh?

What are we gonna do today,
another fuck scene? [laughing]

Well, God let's get started

before that fart Harry
gets down here. [laughing]

- What did you say, John?

[laughing]

- Mister Schechter.

I'm sorry I'm late.

That place you sent me
to, that was some place.

I want to thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Heard about your
problem, Harry.

What's happening?

- Well, it looks like we
can't finish the picture,

so you tell me what's happening.

- Well, Benny and the
boys and me have decided,

according to the
terms of our contract,

well, you know, we're
taking over the studio.

- Well, we almost
made it didn't we?

I want to thank
you all very much.

You'll be working for your
Uncle Benny now, John.

- Wait a minute, I don't want
to work for my Uncle Benny.

I hate my Uncle Benny.

My uncle Benny is a shit
hook for doing this.

I can't do this picture
without you here.

- Well John, I'm afraid there's
nothing I can do about it,

But thanks.

- Wait a minute, wait a
minute, Mister Schechter,

I have an idea.

I have an idea.

- Hey John boy, I think your
Uncle Benny wants to see you.

And I mean, now.

- Mister Schechter,
you can do the number.

- What, are you nuts?

- You know the routines
better than anyone.

- He's right Harry,
you know the routine.

- You're nuts.

Oh, I'm nuts, and
I'm doing the number.

So unless you're nuts
and you do the number,

You're gonna lose
the studio, Harry.

- Rosie.

You got yourself, a new costar.

[crowd cheering]

- Look Mister Schechter,

I don't want you to
worry about a thing,

because with my direction,
you won't have to worry.

I'll take care of you.

- John boy,

are we really gonna
need donuts today?

Go on.

- Right.

- Sorry Eddie, for this number,

it's gonna be a closed set.

Now listen, everybody.

We gotta pull together
here and be like a family.

George, I'm gonna
need your help.

I gotta brush up on the steps.

All right, everyone, let's go!

- Good evening, Mister
and Missus America,

Navy Morgan in
Hollywoodland, USA.

Tonight, we're attending the
premier of a new Schechner,

I'm sorry, Schechter
Studios production

of a brand new kind of musical.

The first, all singing,
all dancing, porno,

the title, Come Come Now.

The crowds are outside.

You probably can hear
them in the background,

and they're beginning to
come into the door now.

Let's all go into the theater
now and see, Come Come Now.

[dramatic orchestral music]

[audience applauding]

[show tune band music]

[audience laughing]

♪ Let 'em eat cake

♪ Let 'em eat hog dogs

♪ Let 'em eat ol' hamburgers

♪ If they haven't got dogs

♪ Let 'em eat anything
they feel they're due ♪

♪ Let 'em eat cake,
but let me eat you ♪

♪ Let 'em eat cake

♪ Let 'em eat hors d'oeuvres

♪ And if they polish
off all that ♪

♪ We'll give 'em
some more d'oeuvres ♪

♪ Let 'em eat bagels,
cream cheese, and lox ♪

♪ Let 'em eat cake, but let me,
eat, that old proverbial box ♪

♪ People who eat lots of
food tend to grow obese ♪

♪ Then they have to
diet, that's the catch ♪

♪ But me I always eat my
fill eat and never cease ♪

♪ But I never gain that
weight, for I dine on snatch ♪

♪ Oh, what a diet, you've
really got to try it ♪

♪ Let 'em eat cake

♪ Let 'em eat rabbit

♪ Let 'em eat
chocolate-covered ants ♪

♪ If that is their habit

♪ Let 'em eat anything
they feel they're due ♪

♪ Let 'em eat cake,
but let me eat ♪

♪ When I want to stuff my face

♪ I just call my
best friend Grace ♪

♪ Let me eat

♪ Ask me dear what
gets me high ♪

♪ It is your sweet honey pie

♪ Let me eat you

♪ Let 'em eat cake

♪ Let 'em eat cake

♪ But let me eat you

[audience applauding
and cheering]

[light orchestral music]

- Harry, Harry.

- Congratulations, Miss Jones,
you're gonna be a big star.

Here's my card.

- Hey, Juanita.

Where'd you get the
name, The Cuban Comer?

- She got it from me.

You want to make
something of it?

- George, George Brenner.

♪ So touch me

♪ I'm you

- Yes, actually my, you know,

my camera style derives
more from Eisenstein

than Von Sternberg, but
if you look closely,

I think you will find that
there are undeniable traces.

- Let's talk about it on Monday.

We gotta talk about the sequel.

Come, Come Again.

If we hurry, we can
do it in a month.

- Yeah sure, and when
we talk about it,

we'll also talk about a
new contract, right boys?

- Right.

- Get outta here.

We did it.

We're a hit, can you believe it?

From now on it's going to be

class A and straight
up, huh, right?

- Right.

And we can let your father
back on the lot again?

- Of course.

But wait, I've got a great
idea for a new picture, too.

I thought of it the other day.

So it's going to be a
Shakespearian porno.

We'll call it The
Taming of the Blue.

- No, Harry.

- No?
- No.

- You don't like that?

- All right, wait, I've
got some other ones.

I got some great ideas.

How about this one?

Sort of a light romantic comedy,

about a young, hot shot producer

who marries his
dancing secretary?

You like that one?

- That one I like.

- Shall we?

- Oh, yes.

[light romantic
orchestral music]

♪ Will I be boring

♪ Or will you be ignoring

♪ The things I say

♪ Oh, I wish there were

♪ Something pat that I could
run up and say to you now ♪

♪ But I get stuck
and I don't know ♪

♪ How to say what I mean

♪ You make me smile and laugh

♪ Doesn't sound like much

♪ But it's simple things

♪ A look, a touch and I

♪ Feel so warm I feel
so right inside ♪

♪ You bring me out and
I don't have to hide ♪

♪ Anymore

♪ Anymore

♪ You make me smile and laugh

♪ Doesn't sound like much

♪ But it's simple things

♪ A look, a touch and I

♪ Feel so warm I feel
so right inside ♪