The Fire Within (2002) - full transcript

(upbeat rock music)

(somber guitar music)

(upbeat rock music)

(he gags and vomits)

(toilet flushes)
- That's about it.

(sniffles)

(blows nose)

(water runs)

(faucet drowns out speaker)

At least maybe I'll be able
to concentrate a little more.

(he gags)



(he vomits)

(toilet flushes)

Welcome to my world.

Fuck me like a duck, oh.

(whimpers)

Oh, I don't want to throw up anymore.

Hang on, one second.
- [Shawn] Okay.

(suspenseful music)

- Okay, let's sit right here, all right?

- [Shawn] Okay.

So do you remember where you were?

- No.

- When I met Bob 10 years ago,

and we had our first date,



and he told me immediately
about his status,

the next day I had coffee with my mom,

and I told her.

She had met him, so it wasn't
an invisible person to her.

I told her exactly what he told me,

and she looked at me and said,

"I have no fear, Shawn, that
you will get this disease,

because you're smart
and you know what to do

to protect yourself,

but I fear your heart

and what you might have to go through,

but absolutely do not let
that stop you from love."

(suspenseful music)

My first thought was, I
finally find a guy I like,

and he's gonna die.

What the fuck is this all about?

- She really possessed something

that was beyond what I was just used to,

looking for in women, which was just sex.

I never held back,

and that's one thing that
since being with her,

I had to take risks

with her that I had never taken before.

- When I met him his
little boy was dominant,

and I think that's what drew

me to him was the little
girl who had no voice.

I was a healthy young woman

who really wished I was dead.

You know, even meeting Bob

and the potential of our union

as a partnership and falling in love

and all that stuff,

there was a real dead part of me.

And, um,

I met somebody who

had a terminal illness

and had so much more fucking life energy.

I wanted what he had.

There was something
that resonated from him

that I didn't have.

I really can't put it into words,

but there was such a
kindness from his spirit.

This guy,

I can trust him

to let me be free.

And he did.

I don't know that I would
have found that part of me

and embraced it so openly.

And when people meet
me today, they're like,

"You were never shy.

You were never introverted."

You know, I was, yes I was.

You can't even know how far I've gotten.

HIV for me, propelled me
through my shit, period.

- I view my disease as a gift.

It's forced me one day at a time

to stay present and be
willing to change and grow.

(they laugh)

- Hey.

Laugh.

(they laugh)

After-sex pumpkin.

(they laugh)

(they mumble and laugh)

For me, it's not about
my property or prestige.

It's about the willingness to
share the human experience.

(intense music)

(he sighs)

My fucking tummy needs
a break from this shit.

It does help but it's hard,
just want to clench up and.

(breathes)

That's actually what I'm going
to do, breathe like that.

It helps.

(he groans)

(intense music)

Oh, I don't want to hurl.

No, I do.

Oh, I just got that cold, clammy (groans).

(intense music)

Okay, bung, let's get it.

- [Shawn] Do what, you wanna lay down?

- No, what's up, man?

It's all good.

So, anyways, I was
saying, and then he said,

and then she said (groans).

What was I saying?

I was infected in 1983 with HIV.

I shared a needle one time,

one time, folks.

One evening and just
fun with my girlfriend

and another couple, in a
hotel right here in Hollywood.

I had a car.

I had an apartment.

I didn't have any tattoos.

I graduated high school with 3.26 GPA.

I was one of you,

sorta,

except I was dirt poor.

Never knew who my father was,

lost my mother when I was nine years old.

She was 35, died of breast cancer.

Was a ward of the state of Oregon,

went from foster home to foster home

to see them divorce and split up.

I grew up a little bit different,

but the bottom line I've learned

in my wise 37 years

is we all want the same thing, love.

That much no one can deny.

I do a lot of public speaking.

- Because it gives him a purpose,

and instead of HIV being his full-time job

that feels like a ball and a chain,

he has this other outlet.

- I speak at high schools.
(applause)

I speak at colleges,
shelters, mainly to teenagers.

- So we provide a real life couple

that these high school kids can relate to,

because what I find is
they all still think

of HIV and AIDS as the gay disease.

- One to two teens are
being infected with HIV

every hour of every day,

from a disease that's
entirely 100% preventable.

What's up?

We need people to talk about it?

We need people to know the facts about it.

I'm ten years, and I'm HIV negative,

and there's nothing that
I am gonna choose to do

to make that otherwise, period.

- This disease does not discriminate.

It's not who you are.

It's what you do.

Who knows somebody living with AIDS?

- [Shawn] All of you do.

- Come on there, sweetheart,
get that hand up.

You know Brother Bob
up here, come on, boy.

Come on, there you go, there you go,

and before I leave here,

when you was talking, just
what made me think of it,

about the immune system,

I know there's a couple of
flues and stuff going around.

Right now, you guys have an immune system.

I don't.

What I ask, and not only now that you've

all raised your hands,

and I'm not picking on you, by the way.

Now that you've all, you don't
have to identity with me.

I don't know the freak, man.

(all laugh)

So by the time you leave here, literally,

please shake my hand.

As I say, there's no mother's breast milk,

blood, semen, or vaginal
fluids on my hand.

There's no way for me
to transmit HIV to you.

If you do have a cold, the
flu, something like that,

please just hug me from a distance,

and we'll blow each other
a kiss and call it a day,

because I can't afford to get sick, okay?

- The bottom line is
there's only three ways

to get this disease,

unsafe sex, that means no use of a condom,

blood to blood contact,

or mother to child.

You know, a consistent use of a condom is

really as simple as it gets, you know.

I can open mouth kiss my
partner without any fear

that this disease is gonna
travel through saliva.

We have intimate relationships

like any other couple would have.

Our life as a couple is no different

than any other heterosexual couple

that use intimacy as a form
of love and self-expression.

I entered a relationship with Bob and HIV,

not just with Bob,

and you know, when you're
dealing with a relationship

and a partnership and add this to the mix,

it's a pretty heavy load.

I don't wanna be his mother.

I'm still his partner,

but in a lot of ways, you know,

you fall into that role of caretaker,

and those lines can get a little bit gray.

And so we just try to
communicate as best as possible,

and I do my best not to
take away any of his pride,

but his day-to-day
living is really limited.

So, and that wasn't the
way it was when I met him.

And when I met him, he
wasn't on the medicines.

I've taken medicines
for the last 11 years,

and you can only imagine the toll

that they take physically,
emotionally, spiritually.

I mean, they're a drain.

I've been in the wheelchair
from the cocktails,

from neuropathy, which is nerve damage,

so painful I couldn't walk.

It's the continual body aches,

myalgias, profuse vomiting,

diarrhea, loss of appetite.

Now my cocktail consists
of 24 pills a day.

The side effects soon
outweigh the benefits.

It gets pretty discouraging
to stay on them,

losing a lot of friends,
just from organ failure

and stuff related to the medicines.

- [Shawn] If you've known
anybody to have cancer,

who has gone through chemotherapy,

and how sick they were,

this is the kind of medicine
that people with HIV

take every day for the rest of their life.

- It's crazy

to take them.

- I met Bob and Shawn in the early '90s,

and I have been treating Bob since.

There are side effects
from the medications,

and they can be quite extreme.

The alternative is not an option.

People will actually die

if they allow the disease to go untreated.

(sad music)

- When I first contracted HIV,

there was a lot more emotion.

It was like oh my god, I'm gonna die

versus today, between
balancing the cocktails

and the side effects from the cocktails,

the pharmacy, to the
doctor's appointments.

It's actually harder
today than it was then.

It's a full-time job today.

- I have found today in the life

that I live with HIV and Bob,

and the dynamics and the complications

and the exhaustion of it all,

and truly the intensity,

I keep myself involved
by being of service.

And I just finished a marathon fundraiser,

which was you know, a
pretty huge endeavor.

I've now decided to do the AIDS ride.

- She knew, my God, this is
from San Francisco to LA.

You know, that's more than just saying,

"Yeah, we'll walk next year, you know."

(laughs) This is like, you
know, a huge commitment.

- I'm not an endurance athlete,

and I would really like
not to get on the bicycle

for an hour, an hour and 15 minutes,

and get off with a numb crotch.

It's the last thing I really want to do,

but I was willing to truly be of service,

and put myself in a place

that gave me a hint

of what it must be like for Bob

to do on a daily basis things he would,

if he had the choice, would not do.

The five hours I ran the marathon
was magical and wonderful,

so I do this one and see (laughs).

I don't know.

I trust it'll be magical.

- [Bob] Day zero.

- Oh, day zero.

- [Bob] Day zero.

- Look now, this is only gonna look worse.

- Ooh.

(intense digital music)

- [Announcer] In a spirit of kindness,

with a bold message of compassion,

ladies and gentleman,

the California AIDS ride
now officially begins.

(cheers and applause)

(whistling and cheers and applause)

- That first day was pretty overwhelming,

overwhelmed by the distance,
overwhelmed by the people.

I didn't realize how much, you know,

street traffic we had to go in,

and so I think not just physically,

but like, all my senses were on overwhelm

and overload and it was,
I think, an 86-mile day.

And by mile 60, I could
feel my knee a little bit,

which started to worry me,

cause I'd never had a knee problem,

but I was really just tired.

And I remember thinking, like,

and this is day one?

(digital music)

- [Announcer] Here to the left.

(cheers)

- [Man] Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

(cheers and applause)
(upbeat music)

- Why are you here?

Why did you decide to do this?

Seven days of your life?

- That's what I'm asking myself right now,

but I've been married
to this wonderful man

for 10 years.

He's lived with HIV for going on 18 years,

and I wanted to put myself in a position

where it challenged me in a way that comes

about this close to what it challenges him

every day with the medicines.

- This virus is so powerful, so smart,

so capable and wanting to survive

that it will literally
develop a resistance

to all of the medicines.

I have been on every
combination out there.

So the only few combinations of cocktails

that I could tolerate somewhat

and actually have some
kind of quality of life,

I've then become resistant to.

And that's what happened.

I had developed a resistance
to my current cocktail.

- The playful part of me
was like ready to check

out of this ride after day one,

and thank God Bob had the tent up.

I remember taking a shower,

and going straight to
the tent after I ate,

and just laying there like fuck.

You know, what the fuck (laughs)?

Yikes, you know.

Not that I wanted to quit by any stretch,

but I just wasn't sure.

This was not at all what
I thought it would be,

at all.

I was more challenged
than I needed to know.

Before I felt rested,
it was time to get up

at like 3:30 in the morning, day two.

It was so painful, I don't
wanna remember it (laughs).

(upbeat music)

But I start riding and
I'm feeling my left knee,

and I'm feeling like
my left knee is going.

This is not okay.

Back in the saddle.

Yeah, oh.

(camera clatters)
(laugh)

I made it to the lunch stop,

and I decided to sweep in,

because I thought well, I'll
at least give my knee a rest

for that afternoon.

(upbeat music)

Hey, sagging off.

- [Bob] Sagging off.

- But that afternoon, when I got back,

I went immediately to the chiropractor,

and all that kept running
through my mind is,

be enough, kindness.

It's not about the whole ride,

and I'm you know, I'm
just sort of thinking,

like, well then, what is it about?

- It doesn't seem terribly inflamed.

- No, I stopped before.

- Very prudent of you,

but you seem a little out.

It's a quarter of an inch.

- Exactly, that's what I'm hearing.

You know, I kind of
fell out of my own space

into comparison mode,
and I'm looking around.

I'm thinking, you know,

there was nothing kind
about the last 25 miles.

(laughs)

- Some of the things that you're
having are related to HIV,

the virus being active,

since you went off the
medications about a month ago.

The virus has probably gotten active.

- This.

- Also, since you have this HIV, right,

it's not every (mumbles).

Your recurrent infections
that you get in your mouth,

be that fungal infections or otherwise,

that's HIV-related.

The fatigue, the muscle
aches, and all of that,

it feels like an endless flu,

the night sweats, that's also HIV.

Not everything on panacea
is going to be HIV,

but a lot of the symptoms that you have,

mainly what you are feeling is a bad flu

with a weakened immune system.

And we're gonna need to treat that.

- But when it came time to choose

my next cocktail,

when it came to choose, it was like,

I have no options.

- You can take D-40 plus
DDI plus Saquinavir,

plus small dose of (mumbles).

And let me explain.

- (mumbles)

- Well, let's go through those.

- I'm sorry, I just, (mumbles)
in my face and (mumbles).

It hurt so bad.

- Well, yeah.

This is the medication
that you're sensitive to.

If you don't want to take them

because of side effects, I understand.

- Every single D I've
been on in any combination

or by itself, I've
ended up with (mumbles).

To the point, now how long you're saying,

I mean, if in other words, if you say,

I want to go on this for a year,

and you're going to tolerate
neuropathy for that year,

I'll tolerate the bitch if
knowing that it'll go away

once we stop it at the end of the year.

- No, I don't want you to
have your virus controlled,

but you live miserable.

That's not the point of living.

- No, right.

- We don't have too much
of a choice, unfortunately.

So we probably have to try the Sustiva.

Sustiva has two major side effects,

one is livid dreams and
maybe even nightmares.

- I've had nightmares my entire
life growing up as a kid,

you know, I hated nightmares.

The last thing I wanted to
do was choose nightmares,

and I heard like vivid,
you know, gut-wrenching,

just animated, larger-than-life, colorful,

you know, vivid nightmares

that people were having them with.

I don't think I want that drug, you know,

to everything from suicidal tendencies

to hallucinations to you name it.

People were just tripping on the stuff.

I'm like, okay, I'm not
thinking I want that one.

So, well, it was the Sustiva,
that one, or the D class.

I chose Sustiva.

(ominous music)

I just was not gonna give in,

and this medicine for today
is more powerful than I am.

I know I have to take it.

I know it's a part of me.

So I don't wanna fight it and ignore it,

but I want to be able to live with it,

and each time I change these cocktails.

You're all morose, down,

fuck up your entire everything.

It's tough to just feel
like shit all day long,

to wake up in the morning dry heaving,

and throw in an adjustment like this,

all new set of medicines
and circumstances, and,

and just keep fighting.

No matter what.

I didn't get to drive today.

I didn't get to shower today.

I didn't get to shave today.

Man, fuck, when this is
all what you can, it's sad.

It's just sad, sad existence.

So I don't.

I just I truly focus on what I can do,

and boy, sometimes it
doesn't seem like enough,

but it's the only thing
that's gotten me through.

(sniffs)

(ominous music)

Can I do it one more time?

When my body hold up,
when my spirit rebound,

I just know it, that's (mumbles).

God dammit, sometimes it'd just be easier

just to be done,

done.

Just when your life got comfortable, man,

the rug is fucking yanked
out from under your feet,

just when you thought
things were Shangri La.

That's the fuck of this disease, man,

but it's also the fuck of life.

(ominous music)

- Finally, that third day,
being swept, completely,

they said my knee needed a day's rest.

And so I was very willing to do that,

you know, I had the twangs of guilt

as my friends were off to ride.

Good luck, you guys.

Ride for me.

- Ride safe, nice shorts.

- I've been swept.
- What's that?

- I'm thinking, though, but I'm not sick.

I'm sagging.

Now could I do it?

No line for chiropractor,
no line for the (mumbles).

Because I realized after that first day

that there was gonna not
be a lot of quality time.

He's lucky if he could see me at dinner,

and then I'd be like passed out.

And we were doing this, obviously,

to benefit ourselves individually,

but also to be there with each other,

to experience this together.

- Dream on, baby.

- So it's a great opportunity

for me to hang with him that day.

- Once Shawn had decided
she was gonna do the ride,

I decided to be a part of the crew,

but I knew I was so limited

in what I could do at
the time, physically.

I couldn't be schlepping gear, again,

and then I got put in charge
of you know, garbage duty.

You know, it just got uglier.

(ominous music)

(gags and vomits)

- Hi.
- Good morning.

- Hey.

(ominous music)

- [Woman] Bob, schlep and tie it up.

(crew chatters)

(ominous music)

- I really wanted to get back on the bike

on the fourth day,

but the bike techs couldn't get me in.

So I was kinda bummed with that.

I started to feel kind
of like, am I enough?

Can I be enough?

I'm here, I raised the money.

I'm sleeping in a tent.

I'm pooping in a porta-potty.

You know, if I can't ride, what the hell?

I can't ride.

You know, does it make me a failure?

No.

Do I sit and pout about it all day?

No.

So I you know, set up down with Bob,

and we put on disco
tunes in camp services,

and we make a spectacle of
ourselves for two hours,

but we put a lot of
smiles on people's faces

who walked in.

I started to write on Bob's shirt,

because nobody would go up
to Bob to ask him a question.

They'd go to the other people.

And I thought that,

that perception, what
he looks like, you know,

here's this big, muscly, tattooed guy.

And I'll go to a 90-pound female

to ask her a question, you know.

And I thought, okay, we've got to,

I've got to break that
perception versus reality.

On the back of his shirts,

I started to write
Living with HIV 17 years,

with a smiley face.

People would go up to him

and they talked to him,

and oh my God, 17 years.

And it was a place where he could feel

a little bit like a hero.

I think that on some levels, you know,

when he turned his back
and said HIV 17 years,

it was the reminder
that some people needed.

- Thank you, my friend, thank you.

Stepper, stepper, the way, good job.

Good job, you can do it.

- Hey, sweetie.

(they smooch)

- Get up there, come on.

- I will, I'll get there, eventually.

- That top hill, that's
where you want a water.

Because I found out, people were literally

using this as a drug, recreationally,

using Sustiva, and I was like oh my God.

There is some, you know,
that's when I realized,

okay, this shit is really like,

it is as twisted as it seems.

You know, this is like mind-altering,

mood-altering, everything.

It was just like wow.

I don't want to lie and say oh, you know,

I couldn't come in and say oh I'm fine.

I rode here, you know, it was a great day,

and it was in the scheme of things,

but there's still a lot going on.

And that's what I'm trying to,

I don't want you to think
I'm freaking about it,

but I have to let you know.

I don't want to quit one.

That's why I'm up fighting, you know.

I'm not in here bitching and saying,

"Yeah, fuck that, I hate this med."

I want to make it work, too.

I just have to have some
quality, at least, during my day.

- [Doctor] Well.

- I was having it day and night.

I will settle for daytime, you know, but.

- [Doctor] You are at the
worst time for Sustiva.

The first two to three
weeks are the worst time.

- Yeah.

- [Doctor] And that's where you are now.

- No, I had heard this stuff gets better.

You know, it only lasts
for a short period,

and, but I was already nearing
the end of that period,

and it wasn't getting any better.

It was getting worse.

- [Doctor] If you don't get better,

then you and I need to talk about it,

but you don't really need to
be completely incapacitated

and not say anything about it,

just because this is your last shot.

(ominous music)

- Using medicine of any form
was to add quality to my life,

not take away from my life.

And so this did nothing but strip me raw.

It made me a walking zombie, so,

yeah, as I describe, I mean,

it was welcome to hell.

(ominous music)

- [Man] Oh, hi.

- 7:15 adjustment.

- [Man] Okay, bring it behind the tent.

- Okay.

(ominous music)

So when I rode, (mumbles),

all taped up.

Oh my gosh.

Oh, it's so nice not to be in pain.

Off I went in the rain in
a garbage bag on my body.

I kind of just in that moment,

I think on day five, sort of, thought,

everybody's had their
shiny moment, except me.

I wasn't sure what I was thinking,

but I certainly knew that I'm not sure

that this was an experience

that I needed to put myself through,

but I didn't know why.

(ominous music)

Okay.

(he sniffles)

(she mumbles)

Today's better than yesterday.

- I've been fighting this
shit for a long fucking time.

A day, let alone an hour sometimes,

I'm just sick for a fucking year.

And I don't want to go again.

I don't want one more fucking day of it

if I don't have to.

For the first time, truly romanticized

the thought of being dead,

having this battle be over with.

Because I don't think I can carry myself

to the fucking finish anymore.

You know, I literally slept
with a gun at my head.

So if you told me right
now, the way I feel,

this very moment, Sustiva or my life,

I'd say take my life.

I just wanted out so bad,

but I didn't realize how much of my mind

was taken by this drug, Sustiva.

It's really hard to get my thoughts,

and that's where, where I'm
having a major wave of it.

(ominous music)

So I'm thinking, okay, I'm just tired

and over you know, and 17 years with AIDS

and HIV has been too
fucking much, good night.

You know, and there I laid
with a .357 at my head,

just going man.

- On your left.

- And ultimately, I thought about Shawn.

I thought about us.

I thought, no, I can't do it.

I put it back in my box,

just out of arm's reach,

and I laid there on the
floor just paralyzed,

just I mean, riding in this fear and pain

and discomfort and it was hell.

(she grunts)

As much as I've been
through this in 10 years,

she's been through it,

every fucking rollercoaster, every hill.

The high-highs and
low-lows I talked about,

she's walked them with me.

And she's chosen to, granted.

I don't want to make
it any fucking bumpier

than it has to be for her.

I want to carry her,

and I can't carry myself.

If I can sit on a lot of those loads,

and that when it's the hardest.

That's when we have to have the support.

That's when we have to
rely on our friends.

(cheers)

Thank you.
(cheers)

Wonderful.
(cheers)

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, man, whew.

Whew.

The two and a half weeks
he's been on this medicine

and he's out of commission, you know,

my life goes into like a high overdrive.

You know, because I run for two.

So I'm tired,

and so there's that fine balance

of understanding the medicine

versus honoring myself

versus communicating with my partner,

knowing I really can't
communicate with him right now.

Nothing, I'm not sure I'm even
into this bike riding thing.

It's breaking me.

I can deal with Bob's physical ailments,

but if he doesn't have the mental fight,

then I can't fight it for him.

Okay, on my mouth (mumbles).

I think we need to get
him off this medicine.

Don't worry, I got it.

I got it, baby.

You just take it easy, don't overdo it.

When I hear him say, you know,

I don't know that I have the fight.

My immediate reaction is

I can't imagine what it
must be like, either.

And I'm not even gonna begin to tell you

if you do nothing, hang in there for me,

because I spent every day watching him

do what he does,

and I know I wouldn't have
the courage to still be here.

I'm too chicken to go too fast.

Hey.

People are crazy.

Crazy, crazy, crazy.

(upbeat music)

I love you, baby.

Now be careful.

Don't run yourself into a heart attack.

(upbeat music)

Oh, yeah, whew.

- Thank you, woman, I love you.

- You got it, babe.

- My hero.

- Oh.

- I had a call from Bob,

saying that he doesn't want

to take these medications anymore.

- He said, you know,

"Can you just hang in there
two or three more days,

and this stuff should be
like over, over, over?"

And I couldn't.

I couldn't, not even another day.

It just, yeah, you know how I fight,

and trust me, I told you
I wanted to stay on it,

but it just, it's got
too much of my brain.

- [Shawn] It's taking
my mental fight away.

- It's just taking my
mental fight, you know,

with me, kind of homebound, so.

- So I told him that he has
to allow the medications

to wear off and then we'll start a fresh.

- Hi.
- You're my hero.

- You're my hero.

- [Bob] No, you're the hero.

- You're doing great.

I mean, really, Bob.

We're each other's hero.

- [Bob] I love her the most.

- I love you.

I decided not to ride on the sixth day,

and as much as I know, you know,

that this is about teaching
us what HIV is like,

you know, I didn't want
to get up and do it.

You do it anyway.

I just sort of let myself have it,

and I didn't ask myself
for a lot of answers.

I just was like okay, this is.

I'm gonna accept it, you know,

my friends are riding, and.

And I probably felt the guiltiest
about not riding that day,

because I knew I could,

but it was really a question of desire.

I just didn't want to ride.

I did not, I didn't wanna, I
didn't wanna isolate myself,

and I'm so grateful that
I didn't ride those days,

because I played.

I worked and I was of
service, but I played,

and I needed to play.

I needed to laugh and giggle and have fun.

Why are we doing this?

(ominous music)

- How long you been off Sustiva?

- [Shawn] Probably three
hours, 42 minutes (laughs).

- You don't have too much options.

You don't have too many options here.

I mean your viral blood is 395 on Sustiva.

- [Bob] Yeah.

- You dropped very nicely from 19,000.

- [Bob] I know, I was
just worried I couldn't-

- To below 400.

- You didn't tell me,
that would've been good.

The next combination was, like I said,

considered salvage therapy.

- You might want to dress.

(Shawn mumble-sings)

- Well, no, not really,
it's not an approved drug.

This guy, this Crypto,

we're taking a chance.

You might get away with it.

- [Shawn] What are the side effects?

- [Doctor] What are the side effects?

Rash, possible rash.

The usual dose is four, three times a day,

but that's actually not that important.

You can actually get six twice a day.

- Quantity does not bother me.

- [Doctor] Six twice a day.

- That's perfect.

- [Doctor] Four (mumbles) twice a day,

and two what is it?

- [Shawn] That's twelve and twelve?

- (mumbles and laughs)

- [Doctor] Now wait a minute,
we're throwing a dice.

- [Shawn] Okay.

- That's all right.

My concern now is hopefully
to make this one last

as long as possible, you know,

get as much mileage out of this cocktail,

because I truly don't
have a traditional option

left out there for me.

- You know, Bob got HIV, I believe,

to learn something about
living and not dying,

to learn the hard way that he doesn't need

to get love at any cost,

to learn truly how little
he thought of himself,

to let himself be put in this situation,

that put his life in jeopardy.

As a recovering bulimic,

I really parallel a lot of his journey

in the sense that I was doing
a lot of those same things,

not necessarily in the outside world,

because my world was much more isolated

and I was much more introverted.

I used purging as a way
to deal with my feelings,

to tempt the immortality
issue in my own way,

knowing I was doing something

that had potential for
incredible harm, death.

I can recover from my addiction

and repair my body and live healthfully.

Bob's choice has a way different outcome.

(sad music)

Get to sleep in our bed tonight.

Oh, lord.

But it was day seven, I think, for me,

that I got sort of this clearing,

and we got to lunch and I was just,

just, I think, feeling kind
of overwhelmed and sad,

looking at all those people around me.

And it almost like in that
moment became very clear

why I felt like maybe
this ride wasn't something

that I needed to do as
much as I thought I did,

even though I take away a
lot of learning from it.

I have this human to compare
the ride experience to,

and to say, you know, okay I see whether

they're doing this ride and
I see why they're doing it.

Some of it's about the physical challenge,

but a lot of it is about, you know,

put yourself through
something that teaches you

a little bit about what
living with HIV is about.

Don't look ahead.

- [Woman] Oh my god, how
do you do this thing?

Oh my god.

- Don't look ahead.

Ow, ow, ow.

My life partner certainly
has not sustained

living with HIV for 18 years

by riding a bike for a 100 miles.

You have no more gear?

You can do it, babe.

(she grunts)

Power through, with what, he's thinking.

This journey on a daily basis must feel

like riding a 100 miles.

What's truly, I think,
kept his spirit alive is

his willingness to be playful.

(she screams)

His willingness to connect with the spirit

of wonderment, of laughter,

(she laughs)

of not taking anything too seriously,

and truly trying to stay
in the day, in the moment.

So that's, that has valued
my life tremendously.

I've become a person who probably

laughs more than she cries,

and even in the hardest of circumstances,

the healing tool of not
taking it so seriously

has been a profound gift for me.

(she grunts)

Whew.

Pull.

It was almost like living my life

twice (laughs).

And I sort of said, I
don't need to do that.

I know what this feels like.

I don't need to put myself through this.

I live this every day.

On your left, on your left,

coming up on your left.

On your left, on your left.

On your left.

- Who'd have thought, back in '84,

if you put Princess Di, Bob Bowers,

JKF Junior in a pool and
said who's gonna live?

I'd stick my money probably JFK,

or you know, Princess Di for sure.

(ominous music)

It truly is one day at a
time, limit to the fullest.

(dramatic music)

- Oh, like this?

- Up, up.

Nine, ten.
(they grunt)

Good job, that was good, good job.

(upbeat music)

(they laugh)

(they laugh)

- I think the reason that Bob
managed to survive this long

is because Bob wanted
to survive this long.

And he had Shawn to support him.

- They're undressing their house.

- [Doctor] Oh, that's a new one.

- It says warrior.

(she groans)

- (laughs) Why, cause I'm thinking-

- Cause you're laughing.

Yeah, got smiling.

Hey, can we talk about results?

- [Doctor] Hey Bob, your
virus blood is undetectable.

- It's working.

(they cheer and clap)

- Yes, doctor.

For it to finally be
undetectable again was pretty,

it was pretty wild.

Okay, you know, finally, you know,

there's some payoff to this shit.

(sentimental music)

- I felt no less of a
completed participant

when I rode in to Avenue of the Stars.

I felt just as deserving of all the cheers

as anybody else, because I
sort of took those cheers on,

beyond just the ride.

It was yeah, girl,

you're living one hell of a life,

and you know, hoo-rah for you.

(upbeat music)

The beauty of my journey is

it's not to look like anybody else's.

You know, the universe
certainly challenged

me to get strong.

It's challenged me to
find my own sense of self,

my joie de vivre.

I've learned to make better choices,

loving, nurturing, gentle choices,

not abusive choices,

and he and us and our relationship

and more importantly, that freaking virus,

has taught me just how
simply beautiful life is.

(upbeat music)

- [Bob] I will win.

I will win as far as feeling
like I did right in this life,

that I made a difference in my own life

and in the lives of others.

(upbeat music)

I will survive, you watch.