The Fiendish Plot of Dr. Fu Manchu (1980) - full transcript

Captioning made possible by
Warner Bros.

[Organ playing
dramatic bach composition]

♪ Happy birthday to fu ♪

♪ happy birthday to fu ♪

♪ happy birthday,
fu pasha ♪

♪ happy birthday to fu ♪

♪ happy birthday to fu ♪

[Louder]
♪ happy birthday to fu ♪

♪ happy birthday,
fu manchu ♪

♪ happy birthday to fu ♪

Tong.



Yes, master.

Today...

I am...

168 years old.

That is because
of my elixir vitae,

source of life and youth.

Bring forth
the elixir vitae

and let me drink.

[Gong]

Your face is familiar.

I shall now drink

of the elixir vitae,

and you shall
all witness

the eighth wonder
of the world.



Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

You have poured
my life away.

Mercy, master!

Mercy, mercy!

Ismail.

Torture him,

Bury him alive
in the red anthill.

Also, sever his left ear
like Van gogh.

Yes, fu pasha.

Yes, fu pasha.

We have only 6 months

to gather the most precious

and closely guarded
ingredients in the world.

Ingredients that will make up
my new elixir vitae.

Dacoits!

You'll go into training
immediately.

Toughen yourselves up.

Make yourselves like steel

while I plot the most daring
robberies of all time.

We have not
one moment to lose.

Go! Train hard!

No smoking!

Lights out 9:00!

All weekend leave
to Nepal canceled!

We leave for Washington
and London tonight!

I shall be traveling
first class.

Now first...

I must think
of a good title.

Fu manchu:
Yes, that will do very nicely.

[Speaking Chinese]

Ready to start
training session.

[Speaking Chinese]

Begin!

[Speaking Chinese]

[Speaking Chinese]

[Speaking Chinese]

Leningrad
workers exhibition

presents many and varied
aspects of life

of Russian people
and of communism.

Here is engineering.

In display
of social progress,

we will see examples
of Soviet home appliances.

We then view
star of Leningrad diamond.

Then we peruse various
wallpapers and paint.

Please notice that our domestic
machineries are extra modern.

All invention
original Soviet.

This way, please, for the star
of Leningrad diamond.

The star of Leningrad
is one of the pair

of the finest canary diamonds
known to man.

Its twin was presented
by czar nicolai to his cousin

king George v of england.

It is known
as the George v diamond

and is kept in London.

The 2 diamonds
are identical

in both color, weight,
and quality.

[Rattling]

Keep the change.

Right, right,
right you are.

And bring in some tea,
will you?

Those chaps from the FBI
have arrived.

Thank you.

Well, Peter,
I hope you like tea.

Why?

'Cause you're gonna be
up to your ass in it

before we're through
here. Yes.

I don't like it.
I don't like it one little bit.

No, neither do I, uncle.

I don't like it.

I don't like it
one little bit.

Robert,
I have just said that.

That is my own
personal expression.

And will you please
stop calling me uncle?

Oh, I'm so sorry,
commissioner.

Ah,
I'm commissioner Avery,

and you're mister, uh...

Giuseppe Capone.

Federal bureau
of investigation.

How do you do?

You can call me Joe.

Thank you very much.

This is my assistant
Pete Williams.

How do you do?

This
is my assistant,

detective inspector
townsend.

How do you do?

Pleased to meet you.

How do you do?

Well, great to be here.

It's a pleasure
to have you.

Is the weather always
this piss-poor?

No. We have several
bright days every year.

Won't you come sit down
over there, gentlemen?

Oh, thanks.

Robert, do the tea.

Here comes the tea.

I gather you have

a rather tricky
situation

on your hands.

Tricky? We got a ball
buster, commissioner.

A real ball buster.

Really?

The russkies got
their ass in an uproar

about this
canary diamond thing.

They are upset.

The whole bureau
is running around

trying to solve
this thing.

Pete, will you show
'em the evidence?

J. Edgar hoover
needs your help.

Ah, yes.

Yes, yes, very interesting.

The si fan.

The most diabolical

secret oriental
organization in the world.

You know 'em, then?

Yes, we do indeed.

Our own superintendent
nayland Smith,

a legend of the yard
in his day.

Hey, nayland Smith.

That's the guy
we came over to see.

Unfortunately he was captured
by the si fan.

Poor chap.

He's never been
the same since.

Hoover thought he was
the top authority

on chink crime
in the whole world.

No, I'm afraid
he's retired.

He wouldn't be
any help to you.

Retired?

Well,
for Christ sakes,

let's get him
out of retirement.

[Mumbled singing]

Your lemonade, sir?

Thank you, Perkins.

Lovely day.

For the time
of year, sir.

Yes.

Thank you, Perkins.

Thank you, sir.

[Singing]

We have to look out
for a large pond!

With a poplar tree
next to it?

Yes. How'd you know?

Because there's
a pond down there

with a poplar tree
next to it.

Pump, you bum, pump!

I'm pumping.

He's got to be
around here somewhere.

Don't you have his address
or a map or something?

A map would be worse
than useless.

At least we found
the pond.

Uncle, listen.

[Distant singing]

Yes, it's him.

I knew it, I knew it.
It's him.

Hello there,
nayland!

Hello!

Who is it?

I know the voice.

I can't see.
Who is it?

Roger Avery.

I'm here with
Robert townsend

and 2 friends
from america.

Avery.

My dear Avery.

You're brown as a Berry.
What have you been doing?

Just in the office
in Scotland yard

in the shade.

In the shade in the yard?

In your office,
and you're brown as a Berry.

Just like the aga Khan.

How do you do it?
What have you been up to?

Tell me, nayland,
old bean, how are you?

Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

Well, getting by,
getting by.

At least these days
I don't need a guide dog.

Oh, I am so glad.

Yes.

This lawnmower
is of much more use to me

than you would
ever imagine.

It's become something...

Of a friend.

It's some time since you've
seen young Robert, isn't it?

Robert.

Little Robert.
How are you?

How you've grown.

Oh, no, sir.

It's you
who've grown, sir.

Is it?

These are 2 special
agents from america.

Let's go.

Wait.

Peter Williams and
Joe Capone of the FBI.

How do you do?
Delighted to meet you.

The FBI? The FBI reminds
me of j. Edgar hoover.

I was once of some
paltry assistance to him

in putting down the tong
wars in San Francisco.

♪ Oh, San Francisco ♪

♪ open your golden gates ♪

♪ da da da da ♪

♪ da da da ♪

Do you know, whenever
I hear that song,

it reminds me of Clark
gable, Spencer Tracy,

and Jeanette MacDonald.

Superintendent,
superintendent.

We're here
on special duty.

Do you mind if we get
down to brass tacks?

Which particular brass tacks
are you referring to?

I myself spoke to the president
of the United States.

You did?

What did he say?

Well...

Well, he naturally
started off with,

"hello,
commissioner Avery."

Yes, well,
I should think he did.

It's a long way
to call from Washington

just to say, "hello,
commissioner Avery."

Is he a friend of yours?

No. He began with
"hello, commissioner Avery,"

and then he went on
to matters

of a most severe
and urgent nature.

An urgent nature
call.

Joe: We're in the middle
of a highly explosive

international incident.

The principal state
treasure of Russia,

the Leningrad diamond,
was stolen

while on exhibition
in the Washington museum.

My boss, j. Edgar hover, has
a hunch the chinks did it.

Take over a minute,
will you?

Be gentle with her.

Uh, Mr. Capone.

Tell me, Mr. Capone,

why is it you suspect
the Chinese chinks?

Well,
this card, sir.

And we also have pictures
of the robber.

Yes.

I suggest we go inside
and have tea.

Tea.

Ohh!

Perkins, these 2 gentlemen
are from San Francisco.

Oh, yes?

Actually it's
Washington, D.C.

Oh, I see.

How do you do?

You know sir Roger Avery,
of course.

Yes,
of course I do.

Yes, yes. Do you have
any pictures?

Oh, yes,
photographs.

Very lovely place
you have here.

We're very,
very fond of it.

Nice collection
of butterflies.

Yes, indeed. We have
many items of interest.

Right. Would you like
milk or lemon?

Don't you have
any coffee?

No. We don't drink much
coffee around here, sir.

May I suggest...

Quite amazing.

Joe: What
the hell is that?

Perkins:
Chinese tea, sir.

Is that what
the chinks drink?

When they can't find
anything else, yes.

Yes.

Well, if you'd like
to make yourself comfortable

over there, sir.

Thank you very much.

And you, sir,
over there.

Cunning devil. Yes.

Yes.

Yes, yes.

Yes.

Yes.

This is definitely the work
of the si fan, gentlemen.

The spider
grasped the diamond

with 2 of its legs.

A spider
stole the diamond?

Yes, a mechanical
model spider,

made by the only man in the
world capable of so doing,

the insidious Dr. Fu manchu.

Roger:
Good heavens, nayland.

What is that?

No, no, no, no.

But it was fashioned by
the perverted mind of fu manchu.

Happens to be my favorite piece
of fu memorabilia.

This fellow followed me
500 miles up the nile

till I eventually cornered it
in a pyramid.

There, now, off you go.

Aah!

Robert: I'm sorry.
I thought it was real.

Robert, do you think
we'd be sitting here

like half-wits
if it were real?

Do sit down.

Perkins.

Sweep that up,
will you?

I'll repair it later.

Keep a sharp lookout
for any small screws.

Yes, of course.

What has the past got
to do with the present?

Our files show that
fu manchu died about...

Pete: 1890.

Exactly.
If he died in 1890,

was alive today,
that would make him--

168.

Exactly.
Precisely.

Don't worry, Perkins.
I'll pour the tea.

Nayland: What was that you
were saying, Mr. Capone?

Joe: You said
he was 168 years old.

Yes, that's right.

And alive?

Yes. He may well
be alive

and 168, Mr. Capone.

Shortly before
I retired,

there were 3 apparently
unconnected robberies.

Imperial Japanese
diamond disappeared,

the yeti mummy went absent
from the Zagreb museum,

and the Balkan
regent diamond

vanished
without a trace.

Together these add up
to the ingredients

of an elixir vitae.

What is that?

Elixir vitae?

Mankind's dream
of eternal youth.

Some fantastic mixture.

Boy's old paper fantasy.

I used to read that sort
of thing under the blankets.

Stuff and nonsense.

Yes, to you, it may be
stuff and nonsense,

but to me
the elixir vitae

is an esoteric knowledge

shared only by fu manchu
and myself.

We are kindred
spirits, you see.

Although he is evil
to my good,

yea to my nay,
yin to my Yang.

Nayland, you think too much.

Thinking is unhealthy.

We certainly discourage it
at the yard.

Look at Robert.
It's very morbid.

Why don't you return with US
to London and help US?

Heh heh.

Yes.

I've been waiting
for your call.

I knew
you'd come for me

sooner or later.

Is everything packed?

Oh, yes, sir.
Everything's packed.

Just a moment.
Where are you going?

We've come from British
restoration society

for king lullmull-tullmull
mummy.

Here authorization paper.

He's in the Egyptian room,
end of the hall, mate.

We'll bring it back to you

when restoration society
make sure it's not fake.

Glad old
lullmull-tullmull's going.

Gives me the shivers.

Read all about it.

Thanks, madam.

British museum burgled.
Old mummy stolen.

[Speaking Italian]

A diamond for Joe Stalin.

No, no rub out Joe Stalin.
Everybody get mad.

[Speaking Italian]
Don't get excited.

Ah, good. I see
that nayland's here.

Yes, he's in the library
checking some files.

Does he take this
lawnmower everywhere?

It would appear so.

Ever since he was tortured
by the si fan,

he does seem to need
something to lean on.

Joe: Fu manchu.
It's a chu.

Fu manchu.

Bless you, too, ok.

His brother
al Capone.

Italian.

Really?

Scotland with a yard.

I'll call you back.

It's too noisy
where you are.

Too much machine gun.

[Speaks Italian]

Joe: He's got his troubles
with his own canaries.

Morning, nayland.

Take a look at this,
will you?

It was found at the museum
after the robbery yesterday.

Hey, so the si fan is
around your neck, too.

Nayland, don't you
find it strange

that the si fan stole the
lullmull-tullmull mummy,

which is the least valuable
of them all?

Yes.

Tell me, Mr. Capon--

Capone, sir.

Yes, yes, Capone.
Excuse me.

Do you happen
to know offhand

the exact weight
of the star of Leningrad?

Yes, sir.
It's, uh...

75.75 carats.
Origin: Ural mountains.

75.75 carats.

Yup.

Hey, its twin is right
here in London.

It's called the, uh...

King George v diamond.

Yes, yes.

Yes, yes.

Well, there you have it.

Fu manchu has exhausted
his supply of elixir vitae

and is at present
assembling a new amount.

He needs exactly 151.5
carats of canary diamonds

for the formula,
which is, of course,

the combined weight
of the star of Leningrad

and the George v diamond.

So they want our diamond
now, do they?

Well, we'll see to that.

Where is it anyway?

Tower of London.

Quite frankly, I am
amazed at your concern,

Roger, old bean.

We have the finest
security system

in the world
here at the tower.

With our stalwart
yeoman warders,

not even an army
of fuzzy wuzzies

could break in here.

We can't be too careful,
nules, old chap.

After all, the Americans

and the Russians
are involved.

Don't you think
you and I

ought to have
a little chat?

If you wish.

Look, why don't we
discuss this over lunch?

I know a splendid
little restaurant

just around
the corner.

French?

No.
Marvelous Chinese.

You like Chinese, sir?

No.

This torture's for you,
fu pasha?

Of course. Yes.

I got the idea
from sing sing.

Prison in america.

It was a primitive form

of electromagnetic
energy.

It might just keep me
going a few days longer

until the king George
diamond is mine.

Ismail.

Connect the wires.

Hello, boys.

I see, nules, that you
don't use chopsticks.

No. I can't get
enough food on them.

You see, I don't
think fu manchu

will make an attempt
on the George v diamond.

It's not his style.

What do you mean,
nayland?

I think he will try to
kidnap their majesties

and hold them hostage
until the government

is forced to hand over
the diamond.

Good lord.

I don't like it,
uncle.

Keep calm, keep calm.

Their majesties are

and always will be
protected at all times.

Yes, but how?

This chink genius
is 168 years old.

He's got a lot
of experience.

It's quite simple.

You merely use people

made up to resemble
the king and queen.

Resemble the king
and queen, nayland?

Yes. In your times,

on page 11
of the court diary,

you'll notice that their
majesties have several

public engagements
to perform.

I've got it.

You want to put doubles
in their places.

Not doubles, decoys.

Decoys?

Yes, decoys, bait.

Bait to draw the enemy
into the open.

Yeah.

You see?

That way we may even capture
fu manchu himself

and retrieve your canary
diamond for you.

How would you like that?

Nayland, you do that, you're
one great limey bastard.

Take it from me.

That's very decent
of you. Thank you.

Robert:
I don't know anybody

who resembles the royals
one little bit.

Roger: They'll have
to be recruited

from the ranks
of the police force.

We could inspect
a whole lot of them,

the way they do
in the proper theater.

You mean
try them out?

Joe: We could
hold auditions,

like on Broadway.
The girls trot out...

[Laughing]

We could have auditions.
Have some girls,

some lady constables come
out and have auditions.

Oh, yes, yes.

Of course, they'd
have to be healthy.

Uh, next we have
constable Vera groin.

[Playing jazzy
britannia rules the waves]

She's, uh,
pretty damn good,

but, uh, does the queen
ride a unicycle that much?

She doesn't look
anything like this picture

of the queen, does she?

Nayland,
he's absolutely right.

I don't think the queen

would ever ride
a contraption like that,

and I think we've
seen enough of this one.

Uh, thank you very much,
constable groin.

That was excellent.

Robert, we'll have
the next one, please.

Pick one.

Uh...

Constable Alice,
Alice rage.

[Playing saxophone]

She plays that thing
well there, doesn't she?

She's the best
we've seen yet.

And there's something
about her.

She's so damned healthy
looking, isn't she?

She's got the best
set of muscles

I've ever seen,
on any cop.

[Laughter]

Very good,
well done, well done.

Bravo.

Um, i--ahem.

I'd now like to entertain you
with a selection

from my song-and-tap-dance
numbers.

♪ On the good ship ♪

♪ lollipop ♪

♪ it's a sweet trip ♪

♪ to a candy shop ♪

♪ where bonbons play ♪

♪ on the sunny beach
of peppermint bay ♪

♪ lemonade stands ♪

♪ everywhere ♪

♪ crackerjack bands ♪

♪ fill the air ♪

♪ and there you are ♪

♪ happy landing
on a chocolate bar ♪

♪ On the good ship ♪

♪ lollipop ♪

♪ it's a night trip ♪

♪ into bed, you hop ♪

♪ and dream away ♪

♪ on the good ship
lollipop♪

Very good.

Excellent.

Thank you,
constable rage.

Roger: Wonderful.

Excellent.

You've got the job,
constable rage.

"Her majesty queen Mary

"will visit
the botanical gardens

"at kew tomorrow morning

"and be presented
with a scroll

"commemorating her years of
support of British botany.

"Also, she will view
some rare plant life

never before exhibited."

Look, wretch.

Notice how she
appears tired.

If she should yawn,

she would give off

an ingenuous
yet highly anesthetic gas.

Watch out.

If you should
breathe that,

you would be rendered
instantly unconscious,

for anything up to 48 hours,
don't you know?

Make sure that plant
is in position

by 11:00 tomorrow morning.

I think we'll
be all right, Robert.

Our chaps
have got the place

completely
surrounded.

If your majesty would be
so kind as to pause here,

there are a few words
I would like to say

on behalf of the society.

Ahem.

Your majesty,

on behalf of the British
society of botanists,

we wish to present you
with this scroll,

commemorating
your lifelong support

to British botany.

Queen: Thank you.

Thank you.

[Queen clears throat]

"It gives me great pleasure
to accept this honor.

"Since I was
a very young child,

"one of my great loves
has been the flora.

"How well I remember

"cultivating
my secret garden

"at sandringham,

"and fosdyke,
our head gardener,

"coming to give me...

Little tips..."

Ohh.

Aah, gas!

Gas!

Gas!

[Chattering]

[Whistle blowing]

Aah!

Nayland Smith,
nayland Smith.

Are you sure
it was nayland Smith?

Yes, master.
We know nayland Smith.

Was it? Was it?

Yes, master.

So, my old enemy is back.

I have very little time.

You must defeat Smith.

He is very clever
and very dangerous.

Yes.

Hmm.

[Sighs]

Only fu manchu
could have created such a...

Diabolical mutation.

Luther Burbank
would be appalled.

I wonder what his next
trick is gonna be.

[Telephone rings]

Robert.

[Ring]

If memory serves,

this week,
their majesties

are dining
at the guild hall

and also attending

the first night
of the theater

at the theater.

Robert: Hello.

Now, that might
be very tricky.

Commissioner Avery's
office.

Oh.

Your majesty.

Yes, I'll get him for you.

Uncle, it's the king.

Joe: The king?

Hmm.

Good evening,
your majesty.

Avery here.

As you seem to take
no notice of my equerry,

we are telephoning you
personally

to inform you
that her majesty and I

refuse to stand any more

of this cloak-and-dagger
nonsense.

We will, therefore,
be attending

the first night
of the theater.

I understand,
your majesty.

Good-bye,
your majesty.

I don't like it.

I don't like it
one little bit.

Robert! I don't want to
hear a word out of you!

[Knock on door]

Come in!

Ah, your majesty.

Constable. Williams,
will you kindly...

Bring out a chair
for the lady?

I'm glad you're here
because I, uh--

we want to talk to you
about your work.

Oh, yes,
commissioner Avery.

Yes, we love our work.

Splendid. The thing is,
I'm afraid you won't be

impersonating her majesty
tomorrow night, your majesty.

I--constable, constable.

But we were so looking
forward to the show.

We do love the theater,
you see.

Quite, but there's been
a change of plan, you see.

I--i just heard
from the palace.

I actually spoke
to the king.

You mean my performance
isn't satisfactory?

No.

Nothing to do with that.

Nothing to do
with it at all.

Really.

In fact, your performance
was entirely satisfactory.

Simply that, uh,
their majesties

have decided to--to be
themselves tomorrow night.

I see.

But there are plans,
plans that will require

all of your skill
as a policewoman...

Yes.

And every ounce of
your magnificent talent

as an actress.

In that case,
I give my consent.

[Orchestra tuning up]

Ah. Look.

There's one of the little
blighters in the orchestra.

That's not a flute
he's got there.

It's a blowpipe.

Joe: Gotcha.

He's putting a dart
into it right now.

Yes.

Pete: I've spotted
another dacoit

in the audience.

Where?

Oh, yes.

Now, if fu manchu has
told him to suck, not blow,

we may have half
of a chance.

Yeah.

Well, uh, what are you
gonna do about it?

Nothing. Nothing.

Softy, softy,
catch a monkey.

Right.

Look, there's one
dressed as an usherette.

He's in a good position
for the kill.

Let's go get her--
or him.

No, no, no.

No guns, please.

Not in here.

Might chip the plaster.

Don't do that.

[Audience cheering]

Holy mackerel!

The flunkies.

The dacoits,
they're in the box.

Yes.

That's right, Joe.

Right.

Just perfect.

Their majesties
are coming.

[Drumroll]

[Orchestra playing
god save the king]

[Murmuring]

[Scuffling]
Aah!

[Scuffling]

5 king George vs

and 5 queen Marys.

Nayland Smith again.

That is very good news.

Why is it good news,
master?

Because I am in no condition
to receive bad news.

I shall fine you each
1,000 yen.

But you don't pay US,
master.

Then I shall start
paying you

in order to fine you.

[Sighs]

Well, onto the next bit.

[Moans]

[Muttering]

[Muttering]

[Dog barking]

Perkins!

Perkins!

The yellow fiend
has taken delight!

Without it,
you're a broken man.

Dacoits!

What is your bidding,
master?

You can't fool me

with that cheap
cinematic trick.

Where will her majesty
be next week?

She go to buy antiques at
shop beside windsor castle.

Famous antique dealer,
master.

She visit him.

Who?

Charles rotten.

[Moaning]

Ah, you look, master,
just like rotten.

Shame about
that lawnmower.

I sure wish nayland
were here.

But you must admit
I did warn you

that he was
a bit unstable.

He is a little spooky,

but you got to admit he's done
a great job until now.

[Cheering,
chattering]

I need the...
A quick one.

A quick charge.

Lamp!

Go.

Aah!

Must say,
it's very good.

Yes, master.

[People cheering,
chattering]

I had no idea that
mere domestic current

could be so stimulating,
don't you know?

Master, Mrs. Queen,
she come.

And remember...

No bungling this time.

[Bell on door
rings]

No, master.

It won't be necessary for you
to accompany me, bedser.

We have known
Mr. Rotten for years.

But my instructions
are to remain with you,

your majesty.

Pittle poo!

Keep to your place, bedser.

[Bell on door
rings]

Good afternoon,
your majesty.

Oh, good afternoon,
Mr. Rotten.

And how are you?

All the better
for seeing you, mum.

Before I present
my unique collection

of Chinese Jade,

may I humbly suggest
that you peruse

some rare and ancient
bessarabian tapestries

that have just arrived.

New tapestries?

Oh, that sounds
very interesting.

Allow me.

What the hell's
going on?

The queen wouldn't
allow me in, sir.

You left the queen
in there alone?

That actress of yours

is becoming a right
prima Donna, sir.

Now, this 16th
century tapestry

may just be as exquisite

as anything you have
yet seen, hmm?

Yes, it's...
Sort of picturesque.

Yes.
The dyes used in it

are extracted
from the knees

of the bessarabian
aardvark.

Uh, rather after
the fashion

of the early
phoenicians.

Aah!

Aah!

Master, quick, come!
Quickly here!

Oh,
a royal egg roll.

Ohh.

Ohh.

Master, master!

Get the door, will you?
Get the door!

I'm getting it!
I'm getting it!

Alice!

Open the door!

Constable! We're coming,
we're coming.

[Horn honks]

[Fu manchu groaning]

Switch on the power.

That's better.

Unroll the queen.

I was nearly
suffocating in there.

Fear nothing,
your majesty.

You would not
have suffocated.

There are several large
moth holes in that carpet.

You are safe
in my care.

And are you
who I think you are?

I am emperor
of the si fan,

grand master
of the 7 suns,

graduate of the university
of Indiana medical school,

ph.d., d.D.S., and doctor
of veterinary medicine.

I am Dr. Fu manchu.

Well, I am not
her majesty queen Mary.

I am Alice rage,
a police constable,

and you're all
under arrest.

What?!

Another counterfeit queen.

Curses on you, nayland Smith.

Ohh!

I did not know
that they used such...

Fantastic creatures
at Scotland yard.

Come.

Let US sit
and talk this over,

like civilized people.

Tell me, my dear,

may I tempt you
to some...

[Speaking Chinese]

Oh. What's that?

It's a rare
Chinese wine.

This one
is vintage 1812.

I must warn you,

it's rather
addictive

and 100% proof,

but very delightful.

Oh.

Lovely.

Well, to your beauty,
your bravery,

and your health.

Uh, Dr. Fu manchu,

I should warn you
that anything you say

may be taken down and used
in evidence against you.

Please feel free,
my dear. Feel free.

Feel free.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Do you like it?

Oh.

Oh. It's wonderful.

May I ask you a favor?

Don't call me fu manchu.

Call me Fred.

Fred was what
I was called at eton.

Were you at eton?

Oh, yes.
Many years ago.

Many, many years ago.

I ran their laundry
for them.

All those
white colors, yes.

Have some more.

I won't say no.

Why not finish
the bottle?

After all, as they used
to say in the Navy--

there's only
one way to go.

[Laughing]

My dear,

you must have some
deeper ambition.

Surely you don't want
to remain a policewoman

all of your life.

Do you know that's
the funniest thing

you should guess that,
you know?

Because I've got such
a burning desire

to go on the stage.

The stage?

Yes. I'm an aspiring singer,
tap dancer,

and I play a little bit
of saxophone as well.

My great dream
is to go into musicals.

The musicals?

Do you know the musical

has been one of my great
pursuits and delights

since I was a young man?

Do you know any of those
good old musical songs?

Oh, I know ever so many.

My favorite is daddy
wouldn't buy me a bowwow.

Daddy wouldn't
buy me a bowwow!

Oh, I know it well.

My dear, if I were
to accompany you

on the piano forte,

would you be so kind
as to render it for me?

Oh, I'd be delighted, Fred--
Dr. Fred, I mean.

Oh, I love it!
I love it!

Let's have some fun.

Now, then...

Now, then,
what key, my dear?

Uh, "b" flat, please.

"B" flat.

Uh, a subtle key,

proud yet not presumptive.

One of our drier keys.

[Both laughing]

[Playing piano]

♪ Daddy wouldn't
buy me a bowwow ♪

♪ daddy wouldn't
buy me a bowwow ♪

♪ I've got
a little cat ♪

♪ and I'm very
fond of that ♪

♪ but I'd rather
have a bowwow-wow ♪

Both: ♪ daddy wouldn't
buy me a bowwow ♪

♪ bowwow ♪

♪ daddy wouldn't
buy me a bowwow ♪

♪ bowwow ♪

♪ I've got
a little cat ♪

♪ and I'm very
fond of that ♪

♪ but I'd rather
have a bowwow-wow ♪

Bravo!
Bravo!

Bravo, master!

Bravo, master!

[Yelling]

[Speaking Chinese]

[Speaking Chinese]

He is saying that
sir nules thudd,

the man that guards
the George v diamond,

is eating huge
amounts of food

in my restaurant.

Is that thing
one of my waiters?

Yes, master.

They all look
the same to me.

Take him away,
put him in the kitchens,

in oyster sauce.

Ian, go to the sauna

and fetch me one of my
new platinum saxophones.

Alice:
Oh, words fail me.

[Snaps]

I won't keep you one
brief moment, my dear.

So that
is sir nules thudd.

He's of byzantine
proportions.

One can hardly believe he is
capable of guarding anything,

let alone the crown jewels.

Ohh.

Ohh.

I shall invent
an entirely new torture

against which there
is no possible defense.

Arrange for sir nules thudd

to visit my good friend,
Dr. Arnold wretch,

the obesity specialist
on Harley street, will you?

Yes, master.

[Saxophone playing]

Oh, I...

I suppose you think
I am too old

for such a young and ravishing
creature such as yourself.

How old are you?

Uh, I am 168.

Oh. I don't think
age matters.

Anyway...

Fred...

You're only as old
as you feel.

Alice...

Stay with me
and become my queen.

You shall have servants
to attend your every need.

You shall be soothed
and massaged in rare oils.

You shall bathe
in ass' milk.

You shall have everything
your heart ever desired.

Oh, Fred.

I hope you're not
taking advantage of me,

because...

You know, I could
really fall for you.

I give you my word.

Play the saxophone
for me, Alice.

Of course.

Oh, no.

I can't play
the saxophone

in my queen Mary
disguise, can I?

I mean, that would
be treacherous.

What a dreadful pity.

But, um, do you
have somewhere

I could take it off?

Oh. Oh, yes.

Yes.

Come with me.

Don't mind me.

I'm just
a feeble old man.

Ohh.

Huh!

[Heavy breathing]

Ohh.

[Knuckles crack]

[Fu manchu gasps]

Is there anything else
you wish...

To remove?

Only my...Truncheon.

Ohh.

It's still warm.

Ohh. Ohh ohh.

The cause
of this disease

is much...Too much
Chinese food.

But this is devastating.

I'm a Chinese food addict.

Is there any chance
that I could survive?

Perhaps.

But only if you
apply yourself

to the rigid and
utterly spartan diet

and special exercise.

But would that work?

You have a slim chance
if, I repeat,

if you combine the diet

with walking through grasslands
over hill and Dale.

Wimbledon common,
for example.

On 3-foot stilts
for 5 miles a day.

You just might make it.

I'll do it.
I'll do anything,

but I haven't
the slightest idea

how to walk on stilts.

[Grunting]

[Sniffs]

Start dragon!

[Blowing]

[Sniffing]

[Gong bangs]

[Grunting]

[Panting]

This is a private
buffet, sir.

It is not open
to the public.

It is my personal
Chinese buffet.

I am the lady
warrington minge.

Please, just let me look.

I promise you,
I won't touch.

It's so beautiful.
I only want to look.

Oh, well, I suppose a little
look can't do any harm.

I've never seen
anything so...

So devastating,
so luscious,

so tempting.

Ohh! Pekinese cowfish!

Note the hot mustard
and the plum sauce.

Ahh.

The plum sauce.

Shall I show it
all to you?

Ohh.

Would you like
to see the best part?

Oh, please!
Yes, please!

I will see it all!
Ohh!

You can look
'cause we agreed,

but you mustn't touch.

Oh, duck, I love you.
Duck, I must have you.

I cannot live
without you.

There is a way, you know?

A way? Thank god,
and what is that?

Come with me,
and I will introduce you

to the most famous
Chinese caterer in London.

Mr. Foo.

Mr. Foo! Ooh!

This is Mr. Foo.

My compliments, sir.
My compliments.

It looks as if
a little bargain

is in the making.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Indubitably, indubitably, yes.

I understand your
compulsion completely.

My compulsion

is for the color yellow.

Don't you know?

Yes, yes, of course.

I understand that,
of course, yes.

My lifelong desire

is to have
one brief moment

gazing at the most
beautiful yellow of all--

the king George v
diamond.

No. No, no, no.

No, not that.
No, no. Not that.

Not that.

But my request
is so small.

Ohh.

I...

I am overcome.

Lady minge,

do you realize
that if this gets out,

I shall be compelled

to leave the country
in disgrace?

Oh, don't worry
about that.

Mr. Foo has
Chinese restaurants

all over the world,

but if you don't
get US in there,

you'll never see another
noodle in your life.

[Knock knock]

Who comes there?

The keys.

Whose keys?

King George v's keys.

Who is king George v's
key bearer?

I am the king key bearer
of king George v's keys.

Open the grille,
sergeant,

that you may examine
my visage.

Whose visage shall I see
if I open the grille?

The visage of
the king key bearer.

Oh, come along,
sergeant, you...

You know me,
you know my voice.

I'm sir nules thudd!

Yeah. Yeah, that is
your visage, sir nules.

Of course it is.

You've interrupted
a ceremony.

Now we've got to start
at the beginning.

Look, sergeant,

can't you see that i'm
trying to save time?

I have a private party
who need to view

the king George v
diamond.

Well, except your good lady,

why is your party
all dressed as beefeaters?

They're Chinese,
aren't they?

It is not for US to
reason why, sergeant.

Well, we'll just--
we'll go from "all's well,

god save the king,
hurrah, hurrah."

I'm not cutting
that bit out.

There won't be nothing left.

It'll make a travesty
of the whole thing.

All's well.
God save the king.

Hurrah, hurrah.

All: All's well.
God save the king.

Hurrah, hurrah.

Enter the chamber!

I will let loose
the portals.

Excuse me, sir.

The si fan have
returned your lawnmower.

Yes. I dreamt it.

Your delight, sir.

She's back with US
again.

The dynamic trio,
so to speak.

Extra! Extra!

Read all about it!

Crown jewels stolen!

Tower of London burgled!

Famous diamond stolen!

I shall have to leave
the country, of course.

I'll, uh, take
my stilts with me.

When Roosevelt hears about
this new development,

he's gonna plotz.

He's gonna what?

Pete's and my asses
are on the line.

Yeah, we're up the creek
without a paddle.

I don't like it
one little bit.

The head vicar

wants king George's
diamond or else.

I keep telling
you fellas,

this guy's really
pissed off.

What do I suggest,
Robert?

We haven't got king George's
diamond anymore.

[Joe speaking Italian]

Nules, I have to say
it is all your fault.

He promised me that he would
only gaze upon the diamond.

[Telephone rings]

Yes? Dr. Who?

Fu who?

Manchu.

Nayland, it's
Dr. Fu manchu for you.

Smith here.

How do I know you're
not an impostor?

Over speaker: You know me,
Smith. I'm no impostor.

Where are you, fu?

I am now flying
over Turkey.

I'm bound for the one place
where you'll never find me.

We want
the crown jewels, fu.

You want the crown jewels?

Ha! You'll get yesterday's
leftover rice.

That's what you'll get.

There's something you
should know, doctor.

There's something
you should know, Smith.

I now have the means
to take over the entire world.

[Click]

I think it's time we
went down to the country.

What country?

You'll soon
find out.

[Cock crows]

[Dog barking]

Perkins,
how nice to see you.

Everything all right?

Yes, sir. How nice to
see you. I missed you.

I got back
from London early,

and everything's
prepared for takeoff.

Takeoff?
Yes.

We shall be airborne
immediately.

Are you nuts, nayland?

What do you mean,
airborne?

This is a 400-year-old
bungalow.

Yes, that's right,
yes,

and we shall
be taking off

in pursuit
of fu manchu

and should arrive in the
himalayas within hours.

What?

Yes. Perkins,
do the honors, will you?

Pleasure, sir.

Gentlemen, for takeoff,
if you take my advice,

I would be seated,
please.

It can be rather bumpy.

Try to hold on
to something.

Hold on to something,
yes, I will.

Yes.

Perkins,
commence inflation.

Periscope up.

Periscope up, sir.

Inflation completed,
sir.

Set course
east by northeast.

Set course
east-northeast, sir.

Release ballast.

Right-o.

Ballast released, sir.

Ohh!

You fools. You've
dropped the master.

Sorry, master.

Uhh!
Uhh!

It's all right,
my love.

I've survived worse
than that.

Uhh!

Perkins.

Coming, sir.

What is that, some kind
of secret closet?

A priest's hole.

A priest what?

A priest's hole, sir.

A secret hiding place
used by catholic priests

in the 17th century when
pursued by protestant soldiers.

Very useful.

Looks awfully small
for a priest.

They were rather small
in those days.

[Alice gasps]

What's wrong,
my love?

What's wrong?

One of the ingredients
is defective.

It can't be!

It is!

[Alice gasps]

It's nayland Smith!
He's tricked me again!

Fu pasha!

Fu pasha!

English house
just landed

on baseball field!

Praise to the i-ching.

Go to him quickly, my love.
It's the only way.

Bring him here.

You must halt
Smith immediately.

Yes, mistress.

But for heaven's sake,
don't kill him.

We want him alive.

Uhh.

Boy.

Huh?

We're really
up high.

Oh.

Deflate, Perkins.

We mustn't blow
our chances of escape

from this cursed spot.

Right, sir.

One can't be too careful
when one's abroad.

Huh.
What?

I think I see
someone coming.

Joe: What do you mean,
someone?

There's an army of them.

[Horn blowing]

This is it, uncle.

Action at last.

Keep calm, dear boy,
keep calm.

Oh, my god.

Ready!

Steady!

Fire!

That's it.
They asked for it.

No, no, no.
Don't shoot.

Don't shoot.

Nayland! Nayland,
what's the matter with you?

Nayland, those guys
are playing for keeps.

Nayland, they'll kill you.

Pete:
Are you giving up?

I'm not having
my cottage ruined.

Anyway,
I'm not giving up.

I think I've only
just begun.

Cover him, cover him,
cover him.

Take me to fu manchu.

I think we better
have a little chat.

Oof!

He forgot this woolly.

He'll catch his death
of cold.

It's not the cold
I'm worried about.

[Yelling]

[Buzzing]

[Moaning]

Don't die, Fred.

I love you.

Ismail
will not fail me,

but if only I knew

which of the ingredients
was defective.

[Footsteps]

Nayland: Stand over here
with me, constable rage.

I wouldn't come near you

if you was the last man
in the world.

I see.

Yes.

You're in bad shape, fu.

Not only physically
but morally.

Morally? What do
you mean, morally?

You told sir nules thudd
that you merely wanted

to look at
the George v diamond.

Instead of which,
you stole it or...

So you thought.

Ah. So it was
the British diamond

that was a fake, yes.

Yes, you must
have duplicated it.

I want the real one.
Where is it?

Well, it was hidden
in a priest's hole.

You dirty beast.

Where are
the crown jewels, fu?

They are buried

under a tame Burmese
man-eating orchid.

How very original.

Come on, Smith.

Let's make a deal.

I'll give you
the crown jewels,

and you give me
the diamond.

Yeah.

Yeah, hmm, yes.

It appears
I have no choice.

Tong.

Yes, master.

Tong,
take this to ismail.

Quickly, very quickly.

Ismail!

Ismail!
The diamond!

Now, my love, I must go
to the laboratory.

I want to go to
the laboratory very badly.

Oh, I say, uncle,
isn't it majestic?

Nonsense, Robert.

Give me the harrods
food hall every time.

Hey, wait a minute.

Isn't that nayland
over there?

Uh, yeah. Hello, nayland.

Look, I think we ought to
search the premises, don't you?

Turn everything upside down.

Have you got the warrant,
Robert?

No.

Robert, you know I like
to do everything properly.

I'm sorry, uncle.

Nayland: It's too late for
anything like that, Roger.

I had no alternative
but to trade

the George v diamond
in order to save our skins.

But, of course,
quite right.

We understand completely,
and don't worry.

I'll make it look
all right in my report.

What are friends for?

Fu's taking the diamond
down to his laboratory.

God knows what's
going on down there.

[Electric buzzing]

[Thunder]

[Gong bangs]

[Men cheering,
applause]

You look very
handsome, master.

I feel fantastic.

[Cheering]

Nayland.

[Mouthing]

My love, kindly
distribute the gifts

for these gentlemen.

Dr. Fu manchu,

out of the goodness
of his magnificent heart,

has decided
to temporarily suspend

what has been called
by others

the si fan policy
of depravity and evil.

And so, to celebrate
and illustrate

the true character
of this oriental genius,

we shall begin by
distributing some gifts.

[Claps hands]

Commissioner Avery,

the missing crown jewels
of england.

I think
they're rather lovely.

Roger:
Constable rage,

their majesties
will be delighted.

I've seen them behind
the glass, of course,

but I've never
actually touched them.

[Snaps fingers]

Mr. Capone.

The star of Leningrad.

The star of Leningrad?

You mean the real McCoy?

No one will ever know
the difference.

Not even the Russians.

Wow.

How's it look?

Oh, beautiful.

Ohh.

Gee, Joe.

Looks good to me,
too.

You are the only
worthy adversary

I ever had, nayland.

The only one.

But I hated you, fu.

Oh, god, did I hate you.

Yes. But they were
the good old days.

And we can recapture
them, you know.

We can start
all over again.

Here. Take this.

I know you're a man
of your word,

so you must promise me,
nayland,

you will not take one sip
of that elixir vitae

until you return to London.

Is this some form
of diabolical joke, fu?

No. But you will be up against
the most devastating invention

ever conceived by man,
nayland. I warn you.

You will be powerless
against it, utterly powerless.

I see.

I see.

Well, if it's going
to be that immense,

perhaps you might
let me have a clue

in order that I

will know what i'm
going to have to face.

Why don't you
rejoin the others?

And then prepare
to be...Wiped out.

Wiped out?

Yes. "Wiped out"
would be a good word.

If I were you, nayland,
I would travel up on the throne.

Those stairs can be
so tiresome for an old man.

[All talking at once]

Roger: What on earth's
going on, nayland?

What's happening?

I'm not entirely
sure, Roger.

But apparently,

we're all going
to be wiped out.

What? Wiped out?

Here we go.

This is it, Joe.

[Rock music playing]

Fu manchu: You will be
powerless against it, nayland.

Powerless.

♪ From San Francisco
to Peking ♪

♪ confucius say
this cat's the king ♪

♪ the cops,
they tell you I ain't nice ♪

♪ but fu knows how
to fry that rice ♪

♪ I've lived so long
that I can't be wrong ♪

♪ I'll rock you
when I sing this song ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ it's fu music ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ it's new music ♪

♪ rock a fu man ♪

♪ rock a fu manchu ♪

♪ music! ♪

♪ My weapon's
gonna wipe you out ♪

♪ if you don't learn
to twist and shout ♪

Nayland: Wiped out.

Poor demented fools.
Ha.

You've really done
it this time, fu.

♪ Takin' over every land ♪

♪ so come on, folks,
and join my band ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ it's fu music ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ it's new music ♪

♪ rock a fu man ♪

♪ rock a fu manchu ♪

♪ music! ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Rock a fu ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ it's fu music ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ rock a fu ♪

♪ it's new music ♪

♪ rock a fu man ♪

♪ rock a fu manchu ♪

♪ music! ♪

♪ Well, all right, baby ♪

♪ wow! ♪

♪ Rockin' doctor ♪

♪ rockin' Dr. Fu ♪

♪ music ♪

♪ come on, come on,
come on, come on! ♪

♪ New music! ♪

♪ Rock a fu man ♪

♪ rock a fu manchu ♪

♪ music ♪

♪ rock a, rock a,
rock a fu manchu ♪

♪ music ♪

♪ music ♪

♪ new music ♪

♪ rock a fu man ♪

♪ rock a fu manchu ♪

♪ music ♪

♪ rockin' doctor ♪

♪ rockin' Dr. Fu ♪

♪ music ♪

♪ rockin' doctor ♪

♪ rockin' Dr. Fu ♪

♪ music ♪

♪ rock a fu man ♪

♪ rock a fu manchu
music ♪

♪ don't like it loud ♪

♪ rock a fu manchu
music ♪

♪ it's fu manchu, baby ♪

♪ rock a fu manchu ♪

♪ music ♪

♪ rock a fu man ♪

♪ rock a fu manchu ♪

♪ music ♪

♪ rockin' doctor ♪

♪ rockin' Dr. Fu
music ♪

♪ whoo ♪

♪ rockin' Dr. Fu
music ♪

Captioning made possible by
Warner Bros.

Captioning performed by
the national captioning
institute, inc.