The Fiddling Horse (2018) - full transcript
♪♪♪
Impressive isn't she?
Oh!
Yes, she is.
Horse ain't bad either!
[LAUGHTER]
I love paintings like these.
Well, we'll see if she can't win
us a third getaway house.
Maybe some place tropical this
time.
Hang another one in.
You ever been up to Kentucky
to a Derby dear?
Oh no, not yet.
But we've been meaning to
Oh my!
This year is my fifth
I have a hat for every husband
I've mowed through
Now Rose!
How much does 50 Derby hats
cost?
I did not pay for them. They
did!
For those of you who have not
been properly introduced,
This is Leslie
Muffie Heart's daughter
[SYMPATHETIC STATEMENTS]
Oh, thank you. It's okay.
Which is why you should never
save the good silver
Spend it!
While you're still here!
And she's also requested to take
Muffie's seat at our table.
Yes, and it has also been made
very clear that
Death does not bypass tradition
Process. The usual order of
things.
You can't just elect anyone into
power without proper due
diligence
You'd have total chaos on your
hands
A lot of sick tickets out there
It's been a long time since
we've had a
new addition to our group.
Why don't we move into the other
room and
I thought that we'd be having
tea with
your darling mother here this
morning
Ladies, shall we?
I'm about to show you the single
most offensive word
a representative of this company
could ever utter
Now human resources heard
about me doing this
I would be out on my ass very
quickly.
But I feel like in the last 25
minutes
we've built up quite a rapport.
I feel like I can trust you.
I feel like, unlike my
girlfriend...
YOU can keep a secret!
[LAUGHTER]
What does that screen say?
ALL: Timeshare
No. Get it out of your system.
ALL: Timeshare!
Hallelujah!
You have been exorcised!
How does it feel to be cleansed?
Do not allow this word
back into any sermon!
Do not allow me heretics in your
church with this filthy word!
Okay. By show of hands:
Who flew here today?
Okay. Mr Lew Murphy!
Yes sir.
You indicated with your raised
hand
that you flew here, is that
correct?
Yes sir.
So you own a plane.
No sir!
Oh, so you rented a plane.
No! I bought a ticket.
Just like regular!
You flew with...other people??
Ughhhhhhhhhhhh
[Laughter]
So you're telling me...
because you couldn't afford
to rent your own plane
you couldn't afford
to buy your own plane
So you made an agreement of
sorts
with 200 some other odd people
that you were going to
pool your money
so that you could all afford
to get to your destination.
Right?
So why is it that people are
so willing to travel this way
but they aren't willing to
vacation this way?
It's that word!
That word is programmed into
the brains of every guest
who walks through to that door!
It is an invisible glass of
dragon poison that you
spew all over your guests the
second it comes out of your
mouth,
You Do Not Sell "Time Shares"
You OFFER
[click]
"Fractional Ownership."
[Polite Chatter]
[TNK!]
So! What does your husband do?
Oh, she's not married.
Not yet. Uh, Philip has
fractional
ownership in an investment group
They buy, sell, rent, all sorts
of
properties and assets across the
country
These the timeshares still, are
they?
Luxury resorts Ethel.
In Florida. The Hamptons.
Right now, he's actually
training some
of the top prospects in the
state.
That's a relief.
There was that cheerless woman a
few years back, you remember?
She was buried in the
time share world!
It was always such a
struggle for her!
"Broke Betty"
Broke Betty!
Broke Betty, her bank account up
and down like a yo-yo!
They had to send her to the
"Easy-Does-It" clinic
Clear out her system.
Did a little...[sniffs]
Darling...
She's not married either!
You know what I can't
understand?
Why anyone would pay to vacation
the same 2, 3, 4 days
Over and over. In the same
place!
BORING
It's ridiculous!
So is that where you met?
Oh no, no, no.
Beautiful ring dear!
Oh, thank you. Dorothy.
It's a Bloodstone diamond.
Aries. My birthstone.
Your mother left it to you, did
she?
Oh, no. It's mine. Ethel.
Well...
It's just I've seen it
a few times. So I...
figured it had sentimental
reasons?
Well Philip got it for me on our
first get away to Reykjavik
So it does have sentimental
value.
That's in Iceland right?
Yes.
Everything is frozen solid up
there
No it's not!
Iceland is actually green and
Greenland is covered in ice
I know who I'm picking
on quiz night
[Laughter]
Who?
♪♪♪
Oh no
Don't worry. We aren't going
anywhere.
Ugh. Thank God
I mean you look great. But thank
God
I'm just seeing how I'll be
put together for Friday
I got us invited to the
fundraiser
for James Truman's campaign run
The Truman's already
own half the state
Why do we have to pay
for the other half?
You don't campaign with
your own money
Don't be a lackwit.
Besides
The Ladies Who Lunch
will be attending
It'll be good for me to be seen
there
Oh that's great yeah
You'll be the first person ever
let into a secret society
who can't keep a secret!
I haven't had a slip in weeks
And it's not a secret society!
These are the women who
run the men who run the state
I mean maybe one
of them would be
interested in investing
in your business.
Yeah, maybe. But that's not
what's going to happen.
What's gonna happen is I'm going
to
get locked in talking to that
condescending douchebag.
What's his face?
Stop
Zachary
Yes but stop.
I only have three 'fake
listening'
faces for a party
and he burns through all of
them.
Even before he gets to:
"Yknow, wine is like a poem"
This party isn't fun.
It's work.
Yeah...that's my point
Ugh. These are a nightmare.
What is this? Another early
birthday present for yourself?
Cheaper than new jewerly.
Oh okay. You're penny-pinching.
I can't be seen wearing the same
pieces around these women
It's embarrassing.
So how much were those?
They were half-off
"Half off" like they used to
go up to your shoulders?
There were 900.
I got them for half off
It's not like I was being
reckless
No. 450 for gloves is...
great!
Okay. They were $1800.
And
I would prefer if we
could just drop this.
Philip.
Alright.
A woman in this world
is expected to carry
a certain amount of
luxury in her life.
And from her husband.
Sorry, okay?
I, I need friends.
Okay?
I need to get out of the house
These women worshipped my mother
And one way or another
They are damn-well going
to respect me too.
So what are they serving
at this thing?
We'll have something
beforehand.
There's not going to
be food is there?
We'll have something
beforehand.
How much did these
tickets cost?
[LONG SIGH]
Okay. Based on that answer:
I'm going to say
this is about a...
two-thousand dollar thing.
They were a thousand and I had
to work very hard to get them.
Just saying. For...
five-hundred dollars each
Maybe they could give
us a little food?
They were a thousand each.
And I prefer if we didn't
go on and on about this.
It's not going to be an
all-the-time thing
and you know this
matters to me
It was a two-thousand
dollar answer!
You said "about two-thousand"
So: No.
That isn't the same thing.
And going on and on forever
won't change the fact
that we will have something...
beforehand.
Right.
It's a fundraiser Philip.
Can't raise funds if
you're spending them
So basically you're telling me
she's good at saving money.
Just not yours?
We're going to go broke
trying to keep up with people
who are going to be dead by
the time we catch them.
By her damn self.
How's your group out there
today?
My group? Glad you asked.
They are horrible.
I don't think they can
close an umbrella
Let alone close a deal.
No stars today?
No stars.
They're like, horrible man.
But! Of course.
Of course!
Send us the worst ones, right?
We've always been able to
whip 'em into shape.
So, I have confidence that we
will. Know what Im sayin'?
Plus I got you on
my team, right?
That's right.
Right. My man!
How'd you do last night?
Aw shit Phil
[LAUGHS]
Didn't do so well?
Uh, I may have to trade my
SL in for a skateboard!
Ouch.
-I did horrible
Yeah man. I'm down like
threee grand and uh...
I did 1 for 6 in basketball
2 for 12 in football
Had the nerve to do
0 and 8 in college.
What about hockey?
Hockey?
Phil! What the fuck
do I. know about hockey?
I know hockey. I can pick for
you.
Let me pick for a week.
Let me pick for a week!
-No, no, no
I'll do you right. I swear.
Not to put your business out
there
Phil, but uh...
I heard you had this thing....
uh...
with gambling?
It's not "a thing" with
gambling.
It's not even me gambling.
I'm just picking for you to
gamble.
Ahh. No shit.
You shit the bed, my friend.
"Shit the bed" - Phil
The fucking dog don't even
lick my hand no more.
-Lew, you deserve this!
-You deserve to taste
the fruits of your labor
You deserve 4 nights a year at
a luxury property with your
wife!
It's time to rekindle the
romance.
It's time to get whole again!
SIR!
Me and my wife have been in
here for almost an hour!
We just about had enough of
this!
Can we just get our circus
tickets
that we was promised at the
door?
-So we can be on our way?
Alright!
Your back's against the wall.
What do you do?
You are going to "Play Possum."
You're going to turn to your
guests.
You're going to look him
straight in the eye
and VERY kindly
you're going to say:
[sighs]
I'm so sorry, Lew
I'm sorry I kept you this long.
-I apologize.
Let me, let me get your
vouchers filled out
We'll get you your tickets.
You'll be off to the
circus in no time.
Okay. Sounds great.
-If I could ask though
what was it about this
opportunity
that didn't work out for you?
Was it the price?
Was it the location?
Yes it seemed to be a little
high.
Yeah?
Yes
Alright!
Now you're talking price!
Now he thinks he's going
to get outta here
He starts being polite again!
That's your 'in'
You're talking price.
You're talking last minute
deals.
You need to manufacture urgency!
That's what hypnotizes
otherwise rational people
into doing totally irrational
things!
[APPLAUSE]
I didn't know you were home.
It's cold out here.
What's going on?
My father died today.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm the last 'Heart' left
I'm the next in line to go.
Uh, turns out there's a will
I have to meet with the lawyer
in the morning, so...
Wow.
It's just
you'd
always said
your father WAS dead so...
I'm not exactly sure what to
give you here, but
whatever you need.
I guess I can keep a secret
if I'm mad enough.
Well, technically you just blew
it
by telling me about it.
[LAUGHS]
I'm sorry...
So sorry, I'm running late.
Thank you so much
for meeting me here!
It's so great to
finally meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Wow.
You're younger than what
Dandy described!
Oh?
Oh, don't take that the wrong
way.
I mean it is a compliment.
It just came out this
big mouth of mine.
Heh.
Well I see it says here:
He left nearly everything to
you.
The cars.
The house.
All the funds remaining
in the accounts.
Which turns out to be
quite substantial!
I don't want the house.
You don't want the house?
Well, there is one other
person listed here
I guess - do you want the
house to go to them?
What's the other name listed?
Uh, let's see down here...
"Leslie Heart"
His daughter.
Ma'am. I am Leslie Heart.
(sighs)
I'm so sorry.
What time is it?
Ten past ten.
Have you seen another lady
walking around here?
Thankfully not.
Leslie.
I understand that you lost
touch with your father?
Yes. Quite awhile ago.
He always remembered the last
time you visited the house
You had asked him for something
Something you had ALWAYS wanted!
What did I say I wanted?
[HORSE GRUNTS]
Wait!
THIS is the thing?
Well not this horse exactly, but
Oh god..
I wanted a horse when
I was nine!
That's what it
says right here!
Your father would've loved
to have seen your face!
Typical.
[HORSE GRUNTS]
-How do you get rid of a horse?
I have no idea.
I'm not in the mob.
It is SO rude to leave behind
a burden on someone
GUILT or otherwise.
They said they had enough
supplies at the house
to take care of it
for a month
So let's let them
take care of it
-We'll figure out what to do.
We have to get rid of it!
I'll ask around.
What do you think it's worth?
It's got to fetch a decent
amount!
I don't know.
We could put an ad with
a picture in the paper
See what happens.
No, no, no. The classifieds?
That is the last thing we need..
The Heart name in the
backpages alongside
yards sales and prostitutes.
Ooo! What about Richard from
work?
Yeah. He can't afford a
horse right now.
No, but you said he's
always at the track.
Maybe he knows somebody.
Okay...I'll ask.
I can't believe the
money is all gone.
-Every cent!
To some uptown hussie
named Harriet.
Who evidently didn't want
the horse either
Or she'd have gotten that too!
Oh hey man, there you are!
Phil! My man.
Bring it in.
Man!
I know hockey!
Hockey's some wicked shit!
I'm out here trippin'
Some guy, team
The Whalers!
They won.
All I know is I'm up two grand!
Nice.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey I wanted to ask you this:
Do you know anyone
down at the track
who might be interested
in buying a horse?
This is a beautiful beast.
It's a horse
Where'd you get this from?
Leslie's father died.
Again.
Don't ask.
And he left it for us
to figure out
You ever think about racing?
No. That sounds expensive.
You already got the horse Phil.
There's a lot of money
around that race track.
Those funny hats
ain't free baby
You think? You don't think
we should sell it?
Bruh
Phil.
Sheesh.
Bruh look:
I just so happen to
know a dude
named Barry
Okay.
He was a hot-shot jockey
Hot as TV!
And he's looking to
get back into training
Okay.
Right?
Yeah.
It's like some cosmic shit!
This don't happen just like...
So, your girl, like
she cool? Like...
Like she into crooked shit?
What illegal shit
are we talking about?
I'm just saying though
He got into a little trouble.
I'll let him explain...
to you what happened
I don't know a man's
business like that.
It's all good.
Yeah, ya dig?
So: I introduce you to Barry
I can call him up
Matter fact look
It's 4 o'clock
His ass should be up.
If he ain't up
Imma get his ass up!
Call him.
Yeah.
Don't forget to tell your girl:
Shit...IS illegal.
-I might tell her
something different
Yeah!
[LAUGHS]
Who the hell are you?
I'm Philip.
Richard's friend
with the horse?
Oh.
Do I smell pot?
No?
You didn't just smoke pot
before you got here?
No!
Come into my office.
So! You're looking to get
into the pony business
Thinking about it, yeah.
Well, it's very, very pricey.
It can be expensive!
What are we talking about?
Depends on what you're
looking to do.
Well my girlfriend inherited a
horse
and
we're looking to make as
gluttonous
use out of it as possible
You've come to the right place!
You like to gamble?
Used to.
Used to do some
sports betting, yeah.
You cheat on your wife?
-AH HA HAA!
You can't do that!
Look at how long you paused!
and you did the thing with
the shake with your head!
I wasn't ready for
the question.
Well you better be ready when
your wife asks that!
Trust me!
I'm not even married and
why are we talking about this?
What does this have
to do with horses?
The response to those two
questions
tells me just about everything I
need to know about a person.
Well, I've never cheated.
Ahh!
You don't have to sell me!
Okay?
I'm not judgemental!
I'm just saying
I have a business to run here.
I don't need sexual deviancy
around my business.
I'm a professional!
Mister Barry!
Si!
Lavar el caballo! Sucio!
SI!
Si.
-Jesus...
I told them I understood
what they were talking about
so they wouldn't stand around
and
bad mouth me in Spanish.
Let's go see what
they're screaming about.
BARRY
How good do you want to be?
PHILIP
What do you mean?
BARRY
What do YOU mean?
PHILIP
I wanted someone
to train our horse?
Well, I mean
You wanna just win a few races?
Or you tryna get rich?
Ideally both.
What's the difference?
Well maybe there's a
situation that's available
where it doesn't
necessarily matter
how we finish in the race.
Is this situation cheating?
Well, look:
I wouldn't go crazy
trying to judge it.
I'm just saying there's a
situation available
for someone who's willing
potentially
to follow up on it.
Potentially!
Okay?
Maybe we stop the
horse at home.
What does that mean?
"Stop them at home"
Y'know, like, there's
too many lookie-loos
and camera's at the track now.
So what we do:
is we just won't wind
her up all the way
PHILIP
Do you ONLY speak in riddles?
Quit playing games with me Jack!
Barry! What are you doing?
Are you with the jockey club?
Jockey Cl--
ARE YOU WITH THE
HORSE POLICE?
The "horse police"?
Did Katzman put you
up to this?
I don't know who that is!
HA HA HA HA
That's exactly what Katzman
would say
to tell you!
This isn't my first rodeo,
Will Lockheart!
I don't know who
that is either!
-Will you please put that down!
-I'm just trying to
bring some peace
to my house and I'm trying
to appease my girlfriend!
Help me out!
-You're a GUY!
Look. I don't know you.
Y'know, people they
they come around here.
They start asking me
all these questions.
They actually send OFFICIALS
out here to SPY on me!
They do that?
Probably!
Didn't Richard fill you in
that I was coming?
-Yeah. He filled me in
on the horse!
He didn't fill me in on YOU!
Oh hey! That looks like our
horse.
That's "Oreo Express"!
He was my finest champion!
He won a lot of money for me
until he started getting lazy.
Now look at this!
What a life!
I wish someone would hose
me down every night
Now, he can't win races.
He can't stud.
He's just freeloading on me like
everybody else around here.
Good looking animal though!
Exactly!
They're all beautiful animals.
Nobody knows anything.
That's why the plan works!
Okay so what's the plan?
UH...
We can talk about that
at some other time.
Or juncture.
Phil.
I guess I should know
what you're doing
but I don't.
This is a game that's
best played quiet.
You don't know...
who's listening.
When they're listening.
Or what they're listening to.
We operate in silence here Phil.
Silence.
[WHISPERS]
What's...the...plan?
I'm not going to--
I can't tell you the plan
You'll just cut me out of it.
I'm not stupid!
C'mon...
-Look Phil
I have...
trust issues.
-My whole life it's been this
way.
-I give to people
a hundred percent.
And then just as I get
a fish on the line
They cut bait.
Well, that's not me.
I would never do that.
Okay, I'm going to
sound it out for you.
Things have not been
going well since
Oreo went soft.
And all I have is this place.
-And the banks are calling
and they're sending people
around all the time
and it turns out
there's only so many places
you can hide on a ranch.
It's not like I can slip
into a nearby cave!
Yeah, well, I understand.
We haven't been having the
best time of it lately either.
Everyone's got a sad story
Okay.
I just need a little information
so I can go home
sell it to Leslie.
Who is Leslie?
Leslie is my girlfriend!
Is she going to be a problem?
Yes almost certainly she's
going to be a problem.
Ohh I get it.
The salesman who can't
sell himself to his wife
Yeah, she's not my wife.
AH HAAA!
SEE?
Now look:
Here's what we're gonna do:
We lose a few races.
We get the handicap way down.
and then when things look good
we make a bet and we clean up!
How much?
-Y'know, a horse, if he was
lucky
and he ran a few races and won
you could win a hundred thousand
dollars in a season.
-but outside of the
race track where the
REAL race is running:
You could make a hundred
thousand
dollars in a MONTH!
And that was twenty-some years
ago.
Okay so what happens though
when someone finds out?
Like who?
-I don't know!
Like Cat Man or whoever it was
you thought I was when I showed
up
It's not against the law
to lose a race!
So what? The jockey's in
on this too?
Yeah because it's easier than
trying
to explain it all to the horse.
Weren't you too tall to be a
jockey?
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
But y'know what happened was
I grew 5 inches
right in the middle of my prime
and it ruined everything.
Which is exactly what my ex-wife
said to me on our honeymoon!
How'd you get in trouble?
You name it! With her?
She's a bitch!
Y'know, you talk to her:
Hi Honey! and--
With RACING.
Oh. Okay. That.
Well what happened was
It was this whole...
doping scandal.
I got confused!
-I stuck the steriods in MY ass.
I was supposed to put
it in the horse's-
How could you make a muh
Okay look:
You need to find a trainer
and I need to find a horse
who runs faster than I do.
So let's do this:
We'll defer the cost of feed and
labor.
Okay.
Right?
I'll train the horse.
-Kind of.
But I still have to wet
my beak a little bit
But what I'm going to do
for you is I'm going to
cut my usual fee
from six thousand
to three thousand dollars a
month
and then after that
Twenty cents of every
dollar going forward.
Standard.
We are having a hard week
at our house
I'm not sure I have three
extra grand this month.
-Well we BOTH
will...if you trust me
and stick with the plan!
Now what do ya say?
Do we got a deal on this?
Come on!
Hop in!
The
The business is warm!
Alright!
Now, remember:
You have to explain the plan to
her
It's not my job to deal
with an angry wife!
I understand.
And she's not my wife!
Okay.
Hey! Can we go smoke
some pot in your car?
Before you go?
Yeah, I gotta get home, okay?
OOOH!
So you admit you have pot in
your car now, dontcha?
-I gotta go tell Leslie The Big
Plan
Ohhh yes!
Go tell Leslie The Big Plan
I wouldn't want you to get
in trouble with your
FI-UNS-SEE
It's not like that Barry.
[Philip chews loudly]
Mmmmphh.
So how much money are we
talking?
Those funny hats aren't free!
What does that even mean?
Are you high?
-Y'know? I kind of
smelled something like it
out at the ranch.
-That must be what you're
smelling.
-Anyways! I did what you said.
-I looked into it.
[DOOR KICKED OPEN]
PHILIP
Perfect deal
PHILIP
He takes the horse. We can
afford it.
PHILIP
Horse gets pampered
PHILIP
We make money the whole time
PHILIP
It's a great situation!
[GLASS SMASHING]
LESLIE
How do you know he's any good?
PHILIP
I used your idea. I asked
Richard.
PHILIP
He recommended him.
He's this guy who used to be
this famous jockey and
something happened, he got
accused of some shit.
But he's back now!
And he's ready to get
into business with us.
Well so why exactly did he
leave?
I dunno.
We didn't really get into it.
I had to be home for dinner.
[CAR STARTS]
PINKY
Grow up Bitterman!
PINKY
We know you're hiding.
[LOUD CRASH]
LESLIE
Well, I would have to meet him.
PHILIP
He said he can come pick
up the horse anytime.
PHILIP
You can meet him then.
PHILIP
I just thought the Trumans
were in the horse racing...
scene so...
maybe that'd be a good way
to get in with them, but
y'know, we don't have to.
♪♪♪
LESLIE
Don't say anything about racing
or the horse to anyone!
PHILIP
I'm going to try not to
say anything all night.
PHILIP
Thank you!
LESLIE
Hi, hello, thank you!
Put it on! You HAVE to wear it.
I'm not wearing it.
You're wearing it!
Don't embarrass me.
Wanna hit the bar?
Please behave. I don't ask you
for much.
Folks! Could I have y'alls
attention for a minute please?
Thank y'all very much.
I promise I'll make this
short and sweet
Kinda like my grand-daughter
over there!
[LAUGHTER]
-But anyway uh...
I appreciate y'all being here
tonight.
Y'all look fantastic.
-And I want to thank y'all for
y'all's contributions.
-And really for supporting my
campaign.
The fact that you trust me
with your money
really motivates me to be the
best
treasurer this state's ever
seen!
Unlike my opponent who
-I'm not really sure can
balance his check book
-Much less a state budget, uh..
[LAUGHTER]
-There's really two things
we need to get this campaign
over the finish line
and to victory!
And that is:
[UNISON]
SIGNS IN YARDS
AND VOTES ON CARDS!
Thank y'all very much!
[APPLAUSE]
ETHEL
Bravo!
Wasn't he just
wonderful up there?
I'd vote for him.
Um..
What we need is
your donation, dear
Not your vote
Your vote is assumed.
The money is expected.
Surely, your mother
over time has
explained the rules and
how it all works around here?
Of course.
Oh.
Good!
So I can continue to
count on you
for the SIZEABLE contributions
we've grown accustomed to
from the Heart family?
Definitely.
ZACHARY ROTHSCHILD
This guy! Right here!
You're going.
You're going!
You're gettin' there.
That was a great, great speech.
WHOO
Did you, uh...
did you hear that last line?
Yeah. I did.
Touching.
The way it rhymed like that.
It was good.
Mmm!
"Touching"
I never-yeah!
Well.
Yeah.
I...
Well, I wrote it.
Ahh!
You wrote what?
The end of that speech.
Oh?
The last line.
Congratulations.
I wrote, I wrote the
end of that speech!
That was great!
Well thank you. Very much.
Cheers!
I, uh, yeah
I work, I work for the
Truman campaign.
Right, yeah, you were, uh
You were telling me
that last time we met.
Philip!
Philip.
I never forget a face.
Sometimes a name.
Put 'er there buddy!
Zachary.
Zachary Rothschild.
Nice to see you again.
Again? Again! Again.
Right right right.
Isn't it a bit hot
for gloves, dear?
Oh, no. They're okay.
In my day, when a woman
wore gloves, it meant...
she was hiding something.
Oh now now chin up!
I didn't mean you necessarily.
I know.
Heh.
ZACHARY
Ooo! So, uh...
ZACHARY
Yeah, what are you...
ZACHARY
You still flippin' uh..
timeshares was it?
Yeah! See? Your memory's coming
back.
Yeah, yeah. You-
How d'you
how...how do you get into that?
Y'know, did you start with
with telemarketing and then
pyrimad schemes then MLMs or...?
No, generally you start with a
six figure capitol investment.
Oh!
Are you interested in
fractional ownership?
Factional?
"Fractional" ownership.
"Factional"
We don't, we don't generally use
"timeshare" in the business
anymore
because of
the way you said it.
So you are rebranding sir!
That is rebranding.
Using language.
You would do well in politics.
That is called "spin" my friend.
That is called Good Spin.
I like it!
I'm-
It's aspirational!
HEH HEH HEH!
Mmmm.
MmmMm.
[SLURP SOUNDS]
Oh this wine is NOT
aspirational.
It's heavy on the "ass".
Surely...
Your mother left you
with enough pieces
to get you by.
You know, until you could
appreciate a little and
Afford to buy a
a few pieces.
That woman had more rocks
than Wilma Flintstone.
Mmm!
And then:
You can look into buying
a painting of a horse yourself!
That is...
You know, when you and Philip
are in a position to afford one.
We've got a horse Ethel.
You do?
Really.
Yes.
Well!
Everybody's got to
start somewhere.
ZACHARY
Boy!
Did he deliver that last line!
Oh! Wasn't he amazing?
Amazing, darling.
Cheers to you.
Where's your button?
Well...I
I think I...
I did misplace it.
You did?
[LAUGHTER]
ETHEL
I just want to see what
she's going to do
ETHEL
when she gets on her seventh
glass of champagne
And I don't really...
I don't know if I really
want to know...
JAMES
Nah, probably not,
There's my favorite high
society ladies!
-How y'all doin'?
Here's to the future treasurer
of the state of Louisiana!
-Yes it is!
Here's to you!
How you doin', blue eyes?
Great!
Hello sir!
I'm, uh, Muffie Heart--
-Heh. I'm LESLIE.
Muffie Heart's daughter.
Sorry for your loss.
-Oh. Thank you.
Thank you. Um!
Congratulations on what will
no doubt be
a very successful campaign!
Uh, Ms. Heart.
It might be suitable
to address my granddaughter
-with your gloves on, but...
they are certainly
to be removed
when greeting a
person of stature!
Of course.
Time to go?
When you speak to
Barry tomorrow...
You tell him: I'm In.
PHILIP
Look at you!
BARRY
Why don't you put her
in #3 alright?
HANDLER
Yes sir.
BARRY
Philip!
Hey.
Wait a second Philip.
This isn't...
This isn't the girl
I met yesterday!
What's going on?
AHHHHH
OHHHHHHHHH!
I gotcha! I gotcha!
I, uh
Lotta people don't know this but
In two action films
I played the role
of Jew Jitzsu!
I forgot to mention:
He comes with jokes.
See what I like to do is:
I like to start out being
a little bit obnoxious
just to set a standard.
And then eventually
you'll see my heart of gold!
But I can see from THAT face
that you're not happy!
And I'm also a little bit
frightened of you.
Leslie, right?
Yes. Hello.
Good to meet you.
So, Philip's been telling me
that there's good money in
racing.
Yeah. You can make
a small fortune
from racing.
Unfortunately you usually
start out with a big fortune
Well-
We're new to this. I mean,
I-I just want to
find out how we
can get started.
Alright. Let's grab a
drink and talk about it.
What do ya say?
Let's go.
Let's do it!
BARRY
Look and learn!
Watch and learn!
BARRY
Watch and listen!
Listen and learn!
PHILIP
Okay. Stop talking.
BARRY
Okay.
MAN
Nice shot, Bailing Barry!
These bar cues are bullshit!
I can't work with this.
It's not professional.
So how long before
she's ready to race?
Why wait?
We'll breeze her an
eighth of a mile
for a few days
"Some Like It Heart"
That's her name!
-She's part of my family
now and...
she deserves a name.
We'll breeze "Heart The Horse"
half the length of the race
so she'll burn out early
-Little extra food
at dinner time.
-Bucket of beer for
breakfast instead of hay.
PHILIP
They drink beer?
BARRY
Oh, they love it!
Compared to real
training it's actually
kind of a deal for them.
Wait. That's the plan?
You WANT to lose?
-We talked about this for an
hour and a half the other day!
What's wron-- he didn't
tell you any of this?
What'd you get in trouble for
back when you raced?
Fine!
You want me to tell you?
I'll tell you.
I owed some money to
some local guys
who worked for some
foreign guys
who made it very clear to me
that I was to come in
fourth or worse
They put me on a horse
called "Golden Nugget".
It won three out
of it's last four
The money they were going to
win from THEIR horse winning
was supposed to cover my tab
They'd get paid out.
And all at the expense of me
risking
everything I've ever worked for.
ANNOUNCER
Annnd they're off!
Madeline Winter, Hustle Hard and
the
Grace Of God are off and away
Glass Firmament fires to the
front
but it's Golden Nugget
winning the early lead!
BARRY
This horse was a champion
won three out it's last four!
I couldn't stop him!
He wanted to win!
ANNOUNCER
He's stuck in the ruckus coming
out of turn number one
ANNOUNCER
Down the back stretch they go!
ANNOUNCER
Madeline Winter the long-shot
I tried pulling on the reigns.
I did the fake-whipping schtick.
but there's only so much you
can do without getting busted!
ANNOUNCER
Grace Of God and Madeline
Winter.
It's a stretch of three.
ANNOUNCER
Glass Firmament on the outside
ANNOUNCER
And it's round the final turn
they go!
ANNOUNCER
YOWZA YOWZA YOWZA
So now we're coming around
the final turn.
ANNOUNCER
Golden Nugget holding strong
ANNOUNCER
The champion daring anyone to
challenge for the lead
and is thus far going
fully uncontested!
And uh...we're gonna win.
And I realize
there's only one option I have
to me that doesn't include
gory death via mob.
ANNOUNCER
All charging hard for second
position
ANNOUNCER
as Golden Nugget powers ahead
by nine lengths.
ANNOUNCER
Off and away to certain victory.
Grace Of God--
ANNOUNCER
OH NO! THE JOCKEY BAILED OFF
ANNOUNCER
Bitterman has bailed off!
ANNOUNCER
Golden Nugget is disqualified
now running amok!
ANNOUNCER
Oh my word!
What a disgraceful display!
I bailed off.
-I got a ten year ban.
My name ran through the mud.
-And now half the time I go
anyplace
-Stupid assholes like this guy
mouth off
He wasn't even alive
when it happened!
Look at this guy!
I aim for an hour.
Doesn't go in.
This guy just walks up like
a dizzy man. Boom!
-Alright rack 'em up, Slim
Pickins!
We're playing this one for money
PHILIP
You've lost the last three.
BARRY
Gimme odds! C'mon Kenny Rogers.
A hundred bucks if I win.
Twenty-five if you do.
PHILIP
Uh. I don't bet...
BARRY Y'know, it shows poor
character to become a completely
different person
just because you're girlfriend's
here.
[TRUMPHET PLAYS 'CALL TO POST']
ANNOUNCER
We're back for another maiden
special weight group today
Always great to see these
young horses coming along
A few making their first
lifetime start in this race
Some are showing improvement
coming in
others: not so much!
Erikynn Ace is the heavy
favorite this race
as she debuts for a
very strong stable!
Her morning works suggest that
she'll
be good to go today at first
asking
The 3: Darn Good Signal
#5: "Through The Five-Hole" gets
a better post to work with today
She just missed last time out.
For those that like to
chase after long shots:
"Some Like It Heart"
Little known about this filly.
Her works are just okay and
she'll strictly be a long-shot
today
in this, her career debut.
As we get set for
the post-parade, standby!
VOICE-OVER
Coming up tonight! On Maximum
Exposure.
COLT
Hard work. Delayed
gratification.
Be patient. You'll be happier
later.
VOICE OVER
We catch up with celebirty
horse trainer Colt Reynolds!
COLT
I only really deal with
people who are famous
Or of quality.
VOICE OVER
Can he capture his
fourth derby title
with pony protègè
"Talk Veuve To Me"
COLT
Once you've got the success
you never want to let it go.
VOICE OVER
Join us as Colt gets real about
the high-stakes highs
and the last-lap lows
of the racing world
COLT
The morning after the battle
is far more challenging
than the day of the battle.
And that's absolutely
been true in my life
VOICE OVER
And how he's managed
to stay on top
of the racing world
for two decades!
But that's all I'll tell you.
The rest you'll have fun
learning by yourself.
VOICE OVER
Tonight at 9, 8 central.
Our girl's up in
Lexington right now.
Getting ready for the season.
Colt Reynolds has been working
with her for two weeks
leading up to Saratoga.
ROSALINA
Keep that winning streak going!
ETHEL
Losing is tacky!
[LAUGHS]
It's got to be avoided
at all costs, right?
And you dear!
How's your little hobby
coming along?
Oh! Uh, which hobby is that?
Well, you mentioned you
were dabbling in racing.
Or...
have we given that up already?
No! Uh. It's going good, yeah.
-Yeah?
Yup
Oh!
So...you've raced her?
Uh, no, not yet.
So, uh, that wasn't your
horse this Saturday?
Where'd you hear that?
I don't know! I just
have these two ears
and too many people just willing
to
fill them with the latest
goings-ons
[LAUGHTER]
Things DO have a way of
getting around.
Get around!
That was our perspective
trainer's horse
Oh!
Philip and I were just there to
support him and watch the
process
Oh, well, didn't do him
much good did it?
[LAUGHS]
That poor baby came in
four lengths behind the pack
It was going to be a photo
finish
but it got dark right at the end
[LAUGHTER]
Ten people have to lose Ethel.
ETHEL
I think you've had
enough icing.
Darling, C'mon.
What'd you have? Seven?
[HORSE GRUNTS]
PHILIP
Careful honey!
Aw, she's gentle.
Good thing we're not trying to
win.
Why?
Colt Reynolds.
Rich asshole.
No offense.
He has a horse in every race.
He's one of these
try-hard jerks
who gives extra effort
and wins all the time
because of his honesty
It's gross.
Bitterman.
BITTERMAN!
Heyyy...
-You're pretty jumpy.
After all these years
I wouldn't think you'd
STILL be jumpy.
Well
You're not on top of the
racing world, believe me
but you're still in
good shape I see
Oh! You know I'm training with
Angelo Dundee these days.
Training. To take a fall?
-You don't need Angelo!
-I didn't even know they allowed
guys like you back in this place
How'd you even get
in here anyway?
You still have you fake ID?
COLT
The two of you
I wish you the best of luck
With him: It's going to be all
bad
Yup
Thank you!
ANNOUNCER
"Chippy Kippy" is a beautiful
filly
that will try to make some noise
If she can get some open road
today:
Watch for "Chippy Kippy"
Riders are now up.
We're getting set to post
parade.
The race favorite continues
to be "Opinions Rae"
while the longest shot on the
board is "Some Like It Heart"
[DOOR SLAMS]
RICH
Barry!
RICH
BARRY!
LADY
Calm down!
RICH
No I won't calm down!
Barry. Find me another silk
or I'm not riding.
You are BUGBOY now.
You're late once:
You give up your first name
You're late twice;
You give up your second name
I was at the barn and
no one was there.
You told me 12:30!
That doesn't sound like me!
-At any rate
-Philip and Leslie, this is
BugBoy.
It's Rich.
Nice to meet you Rich.
Hi. I'm Philip.
Nice to meet you.
Sorry...
RICH
I'm used to him.
Where the hell have you been?
It's five minutes before the
race!
What's the matter with you?
I'm NOT wearing this.
I made this especially for YOU!
Look at the wings here.
"BB". What do you think that
stands for?
What?
Bailing Barry?
Oh wow.
Who needs to hear that right
now?
No one.
ANNOUNCER
Trying to gain from second
is "Polly's Phoenix"
"Pink Moon" and "Jessica D"
are together for third with
"Flower Power" "Some Like It
Heart"
and "Karma's Coming"
rounding out this one.
"Locke Shore" for the win!
over "Polly's Phoenix" and
"Jessica D"
then came "Pink Moon" "Flower
Power"
"Some Like It Heart" was next to
last
over "Karma's Coming"
Hey, check it out!
Because the casino-
track makes so much money now
They pay out a subsidy
to ALL the horses.
Not just the Top 5.
So, boom!
850 bones.
Don't tell anybody where you got
that.
Who's going to ask?
Winner only got about
fifty-thousand dollars more.
Winning is a rich man's game.
This was a good day.
RICH
You cut me off and you know it!
That asshole checked me!
Hey hey! Hey hey.
Watch your language dude!
[LAUGHING]
Okay, it's cold.
Let's go. Let's go.
Hello Folks!
Hi!
Hi.
Oh hi!
Oh shit.
JP Goodman.
Jockey Club President.
Oh is that what
the "JP" stands for?
No sir.
It stand's for equal
rights for women.
-Hello Miss
-Hi, hello.
JP
Philip. Ainsworth.
Philip is it.
Tremendous day for a race,
wasn't it?
Yeah good day.
GREAT day.
Race day.
Wonderfine day.
BARRY
Yeah. Ha ha.
How long you been racing?
Well this is just our second
race--
Well actually we're going
to head out now
because it's uh,
getting so late
We're heading out because
our horse gets too antsy
when it's been in
the trailer all day
Bangs around.
Heard there was a bit
of a ruckus up here
and I wanted to come by
and make sure everybody
was still living and breathing.
Oh! No.
No ruckus.
Absolutely nothing on
the ruckus front.
RICH
Do it again and see
what happens!
BARRY
Easy easy!
Don't yell at the track.
I will not! He's just
a glorified strapper!
You cut me off and you know it!
Jesus, Rich. Calm down.
I'm selling the goof, you goob.
Cut me off again, you asshole!
Yeah!
So, everybody managed
to calm down?
Yes. We sedated him.
[LESLIE LAUGHS]
Well just wanted to make sure
you folks were alright
and didn't need anything from
us.
LESLIE
Oh, no. We are GREAT.
We're gonna do better next time!
[BARRY LAUGHS]
That's true.
You couldn't do worse.
Alright, well:
Ride Fast And Take Chances!
as we like to say.
That's the plan!
We will!
We will. Absolutely.
LESLIE
Yup, yeah.
Alright.
Have a good night.
BARRY
Thanks for checkin'.
Why do you just tell
him the whole plan!
What's the matter with you?
What? What could I do?
He asked me!
It's not our second race.
He asked me a question.
He didn't ask you
how many races
It's not like he can't
look at the records!
There's no reason-
Never give more than
you're supposed to...give
Sorry I'm not a criminal.
ANNOUNCER
Could today be the day for
"Some Like It Heart"?
Horse player's don't think so.
She's the longest shot on the
board.
"Some Like It Heart" is a big
number
on the tote board right now
She's 20/1 on the number line
and horse players appear to
have lost any faith in this
filly
"Some Like It Heart" is trying
to be best of the rest
but the rest are
well back in here
It's "Abra Girl" for the win!
"Some Like It Heart" deserves to
be
30/1 in the morning line for
this race
She has yet to show anything
thus far in her career.
BARRY
Yes!
Congrats.
They took 5 pounds off the
saddle after the last race
This'll easily give us
five more for next week.
I heard The Women talking about
a race in a few weeks at
Saratoga
It's the day before my birthday
and THAT is the one
I want us to win.
Y'know, it's not really that
simple.
You said we had to win one
for this whole thing to work.
Yes.
But we need to cherry pick.
Do a little research.
Make sure it's a race we
actually have a shot at.
Well, we have three weeks
to make it work.
I haven't asked anything
of anyone during this
and I know you don't know me
very well, Barry, but
I have been EXTREMELY
reasonable so far
I got into this for money and
spite
by the end of it
I WILL have won
at one or the other.
I'll do my best.
[BARRY SINGS]
Boom boom boom.
Let's go up to my room.
And we can dippa booka buhboo--
I am DRUNK.
Bitterman.
Yeah!
You waiting for him too?
My name's Philip Ainsworth.
I'm with the A.A.R.P
-Mr. Bitterman is six months
behind on his dues.
-We're going to take the
magazine away from him.
BRAIN
-You think we're stupid?
We ain't stupid.
Bitterman.
Okay.
BRAIN
We came here to trash the place.
But it's still fucked
up from last time!
PINKIE
That was a MONTH ago.
Bitterman.
I loved what you
did with the place
I kept it the
way you left it!
BRAIN
Nah, nah.
We're gonna need
atleast five gees, y'know.
To call off Dr. Willis.
"Five gees"?
Five
THOUSAND
Bitterman
Look-
Nah no no, no 'look'
BRAIN
You've done this to yourself!
PINKIE
You don't live up to the HYPE
PINKIE
Bitterman!
BRAIN
We're good
reasonable people!
You made us this way...
BITTERMAN.
Like I told the guy on
the phone two days ago:
I just need...
'til Thursday!
[EXHALES]
I'll get it for you.
BRAIN
No, no, no, look:
BRAIN
You promise things and then you
fail!
BARRY
I won't this time. I won't.
What if Thursday comes and goes?
What then, huh?
Huh Bitterman?
PINKIE
Huh?
BRAIN
HUH?
PINKIE
HUH??
BRAIN
HUH??!
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Philip Ainsworth?
Speaking!
How the hell are ya Philip?
This is JP Goodman.
We met a few weeks back?
Do you recall?
Oh yes! Hello.
Mr. Goodman. Nice to
hear from you. How are ya?
Reason I'm calling today is
since we ran into each other
I've noticed you've been having
a
helluva bad streak of luck
past few times out.
Yeah, well my girlfriend
inherited
uh, this horse from her father
and we've been trying our
hand at racing it and, uh
As you know it's
not an easy path.
It's not easy!
Takes a lot of years
and a lot of luck.
And a great trainer,
first and foremost.
Heh. Right,
Right.
You're not a trainer yourself
are you Philip?
No!
You found yourself one?
Uh...
Yeah, well, we had one
recommended to us
It was a friend of mine,
I went to him, asked him and
he recommended me one, yeah,
Hmm
Have you at all familiarized
yourself with Rule 155.5
of the Jockey Club Code Of
Ethics?
It states: "No person shall be
guilty
of any improper conduct
or inappropriate behaviour"
Is this about the jockey ruckus?
I wish it was.
LESLIE
Okay. And then what did you say?
Y'know, I just bullshitted.
I said, y'know we're doing,
erm--
we're learning our way
we're, we're losing some races
but Barry's been very
professional
This guy did NOT like Barry.
Okay? I understand that
because I barely like Barry.
But he hasn't lied to us yet.
Y'know, he seemed to buy it.
Y'know, he's trying to
mob me up
He's trying to scare me with
his mob tactics and I'm not--
"Mob tactics"
Mob tactics, just tactics.
I'm not saying he's in the mob.
I'm saying he's mob adjacent.
[LESLIE SIGHS]
It'll be fine.
Yes he was throwing all sorts of
regulations and rules at me
but there's a difference between
regulations and laws, okay?
We're not breaking laws
We're breaking rules.
So.
Just keep your shit together
and we'll be fine.
OUR shit.
Let's keep OUR shit together.
Oh my god.
-I'll be fine.
I'm a, I'm a
I'm a salesman.
I can do this.
You are so far out of your
element.
No, I'm not.
Okay.
I'm getting to my element.
-If this screws something up
with
The Truman Tea Table Ladies
I am THIS close to
getting my seat.
I WILL murder you.
Yeah. I've already priced that
in.
KATZMAN
You promised three-thousand per
month
until the full thirty was paid
back.
Three months have passed.
You're making us this way
Bitterman.
BARRY
I'm going to get you the money!
KATZMAN
You think this is a game?
Dr. Willis doesn't play games
and I wouldn't know who
would've told you that he does.
You can't just jump
off a horse this time.
What's that supposed to mean?
KATZMAN
What's that supposed to--
I'm sending someone to see you.
[PHONE HANGS UP]
[in Spanish]
CARLOS
Mister Barry!
What?
[speaks Spanish]
Can we deal with this later at
some future juncture please?
[speaks Spanish]
Okay. That'll be all?
-Si.
Si!
Why don't you SI your way out!
BARRY
I just want to let you know
The horse is looking really good
Uh, the action is nice.
I think this is REALLY
going to turn out well!
Why do you seem surprised?
I'm not surprised, you just
never
know until you hit the gas
pedal.
Y'know, JP Goodman called me.
He called YOU?
Yeah. At home.
What'd he say?
He wanted to know what it
was like working with you?
And what'd you say?
I said it was fine!
I said it was wonderful.
"Wonderful"?
I said something positive like
that.
Alright screw him.
He doesn't know anything.
Yeah. That's what I said.
You said that to him?
To Leslie!
Y'know just--
These-a bunch-a--
Just forget these assholes!
We don't need them.
Alright. Okay.
You've been straight with me so
far.
I'll stay cool.
Everything's lined up real nice.
I got a guy in Spain who's
going to place the bet,
so that, all we need
now is the five gees.
Okay good!
H-How we gunna do this?
How are we going to....do what?
The guy is placing the bet
We need the five gees!
That's great.
Is this a quiz? Wha-
I don't understand
what's happening here.
Look!
I want to get this right.
Anything could go wrong.
Banks could close.
Something could happen.
i just want to get the money
over to him as quickly as I can.
Why are you acting like
there's a bee in your shirt?
Because I've got to get
the money over to him!
Wait, he doesn't have the money?
YOU have the money!
I don't have the money.
All the money I got in so far
I put towards a birthday
present for Leslie!
That was a really
selfish thing to do.
I thought we were a team!
LESLIE
What are you doing?
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
He's good!
This guy's funny!
This is going to be good.
You didn't tell me
he was so funny!
[PHONE RINGS]
PINKIE
What day is it?
I got the five gees. Where are
you two?
What DAY is it?
I know. I'm sorry.
You're making us this way.
Bitterman.
The guy with the money
was a TOTAL flake.
All the time, he's got
a hundred excuses
He's blaming everybody else.
I can't help that!
What's 24 hours?
One day past your promise.
I trust you'll find
our "Final Message"
It's dead.
I'm dead.
I'm dead!
CARLOS
Hello?
Carlos! Shh shh!
CARLOS
[speaks Spanish]
Acute! Acute moi?
Carlos! I have a horse
neuvo uno uno
situation!
You gotta get back here pronto!
Horse Emergencia!
How the hell did you get in
here?
['OREO EXPRESS' GRUNTS]
CARLOS
Mister Barry!
[in Spanish]
Can we deal with this later at
some future juncture please?
[in Spanish]
You said you were reasonable
people!
i TOLD you I had the money
and then-
[WHISPERS]
then you killed...
you shoot the god-damned horse?
And it's not even my hor-
SHUT UP!
AND LISTEN FOR A CHANGE!
IIII'M DOING THE TALKING!
It's not even my horse!
And the woman who owns the horse
She's terrifying!
Do you know what's going
to happen to me now?
DO YOU?
WOMAN
Why on EARTH are you ringing my
phone at this ungodly hour?
I am so sorry Ma'am.
WOMAN
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
I must've mis-dailed--
WOMAN
YOUNG MAN!
Ma'am, please don't yell at me.
ANNOUNCER
Alright! Here we go!
It's the first Big Race of the
season for these fillies!
Traveling six furlongs for a
purse
of fifty-four thousand dollars!
"Talk Veuve To Me" is the fav.
Second choice:
"Natascha Beauty" here at 2/1
"Some Like It Heart" shows up
again.
She's got this white
heart mark on her hip
so she's always wearing her
heart
on her sleeve, so to speak
Yet to win, she's going to be
your
longest shot without a doubt!
PHILIP
HEY BUDDY!
WHOA!
BARRY
Hey! C'mon!
Jesus!
PHILIP
Sorry! You're going to have a
stroke, calm down!
Not if you don't sneak up behind
me
and clamp my shoulders!
You could've been anybody!
I'm sorry! Jesus...
BARRY
Jesus Christmas!
I'm sorry.
I'm just-I'm a, uh, uh...
Oreo died last night.
I'm just shaken up by it.
LESLIE
Oh my god Barry. I'm so sorry!
It's okay. I'll be fine.
We'll win today in his honor
right?
LESLIE
I'm already so attached to Heart
I can't imagine losing her!
Alright, look:
Good luck in there.
Everything's going to be fine.
BARRY
I'll find you guys after the
race.
Bugboy's in charge.
BARRY
So, it should be fine.
I don't know where I'm going to
be.
BARRY
I'll find you guys later.
ANNOUNCER
#6 "Talk Veuve To Me"
going up for the Trumans
and trainer Colt Reynolds.
She's the heavy favorite
here at 3/5
ANNOUNCER
#6 "Talk Veuve To Me"
going up for the Trumans
and trainer Colt Reynolds.
She's the heavy favorite
here at 3/5
and has all the tools and talent
to get the job done today
This race appears to have her
name written all over it.
PHILIP
Oh hey, that looks like our
horse!
BARRY
This is "Oreo Express"
BARRY
He won me a lot of money
until he got lazy on me.
PHILIP
Good looking animal though.
BARRY
Exactly.
BARRY
They all look good.
BARRY
Nobody knows anything!
That's why the plan works!
Barry!
ROSALINA
Oh! Hello! Look at you!
ROSALINA
Got those rosy cheeks! You been
drinking that hooch, huh?
[LAUGHTER]
So you've come up here
to witness the lifestyle?
Oh! No, Ethel. We have a horse
running in the next race
actually.
Oh!
Oh...you don't say.
Yes.
Well as fate would have it
So do we!
[LAUGHS]
Wow!
So, uh, Roz
Looks like the stage is being
set
for a good old-fashioned throw
down
Yes! We're gonna THROW YOU DOWN!
Stomp on your FACE! Haha.
ANNOUNCER
Final call to wager!
PHILIP
Here you go!
What's wrong?
Where's Barry?
I'm sure he's hiding
somewhere like he said.
Why? What's going on?
Nothin'...
ANNOUNCER
They're standing in line!
[GATES BURST OPEN]
ANNOUNCER
They're off and it is on!
"Talk Veuve To Me" wanted
first call and she's got it!
up between horses:
"Hurricane Pine" and "Erikynn
Ace"
then "Netminder"
"Some Like It Heart" had a slow
beginning
She's next to last ahead
of "Natascha Beauty"
So the front three heads apart
into the far turn!
"Talk Veuve To Me" going up
widest of all against Erikynn
Ace
Along inside is "Hurricane Pine"
right there with them!
"Netminder" and "Aubrey's Penny"
She's begins to pick it up from
way
back following her is "Natascha
Beauty"
Rounding the turn it's
"Erikynn Ace" in front.
"Talk Veuve To Me" still
challenging
Following that is "Natascha
Beauty"
rounding that far turn
It's time to SHOW 'EM
if you GOT 'EMMM!
This is "Erikynn Ace" and
"Talk Veuve To Me"
They're 1-2!
Here comes "Some Like It Heart"
at a big number!
"Natascha Beauty" closing in!
Down to the final length!
"Some Like It Heart" went by!
LESLIE
Oh my god! Oh my god!
ANNOUNCER
"Talk Veuve To Me" not today!
"Some Like It Heart"! She looks
the crowd over with defiance!
It's going to be "Some Like It
Heart"
at 50/1 and that just happened!
PHILIP
Yes! Yes.
ANNOUNCER
It's like she just knew!
Today is the day for
"Some Like It Heart"!
and she's 50 to 1!
ETHEL
Well, well, well...
Congratulations, dear.
Thank you, Ethel.
It's was very close.
You certainly taught
us a thing or two.
Next time...
do it with YOUR horse.
I can keep a secret...
if you can.
ROSALINA
She's really great at keeping
secrets
PHILIP
I still haven't found Barry.
LESLIE
Bitterman screwed us.
I don't know HOW he did...
but he did.
This was supposed to be OUR day.
I am sick and tired of people
thinking they can walk all over
me.
It's going to stop!
BARRY
Hey Philip!
Oooh! Happy Birthday!
How we feelin'?
Feeling good! I'm already
spending
money in my head right now.
Everything's great.
We're thrilled.
That's great!
May I have a word with
you in private, please?
No. No. I'm done with this.
-Because you're going to
tell me some crazy shit.
And I'm going to have
to explain it to her.
She's going to yell at me.
Yes, you are.
-And I'm not doing it anymore,
okay?
So, if you've got something
to say: Say it to both of us.
May I have a word with BOTH
of you in private please..
BARRY
First of all, I feel it's
necessary
to remind everyone
we won fifty-four thousand
dollars today and SECONDLY:
We never had a signed contract.
Okay?
Uh, this was a handshake deal!
so you can't sue me if
anything ever happens
"Sue you"?
I never...
placed the bet with The Beard
Why not? What happened?
I panicked! I didn't want
to lose your money!
You said we had a chance to win
today!
This is all going to
actually work out great!
Okay? We got some money now!
We got the Jockey Club off our
back.
And now we can just start fresh!
LESLIE
Where's my horse Barry?
BARRY
That's, uh, uh...
BARRY
What?
BARRY
Oh. Okay...
What is that?
That's spray paint.
Spray paint!
BARRY
Spray paint.
Where was there spray paint?
On the horse's ass, mostly.
While you all are screwing
around
and arguing before a race
I place my hand on her heart and
say a quiet prayer for her
safety.
LESLIE
and today, it bled off into my
hand
So I'd like you to tell me
where my horse is...
or I'm going to get someone from
the Jockey Club to find it for
me.
Oooh, they're not going to find
it.
Excuse me?
BARRY
Your, your horse died two nights
ago.
PHILIP
Aww for fucks sake, Barry!
BARRY
I'm so sorry!
BARRY
I'm sorry!
When were you going
to tell us this?
BARRY
Well, I was going to run it by
him and see how he took it
before I ruined your birthday
but
HE BLEW IT!
So that's where we are now.
What horse won the race then?
That was Oreo!
The freeloader?
Today he ran like
Horse Carl Lewis!
How did our horse die?
Well, either by accident
or because of some very,
very angry business people
I didn't wait to find out!
I wanted to put the time
to figuring out
how to win the race
for your BIRTHDAY, I might add.
Alright, so then what's the
plan?
What do you mean?
When's the next race?
BARRY
You said you were reasonable
people!
I told you I had the money!
PINKIE
We didn't kill your horse
Bitterman
BARRY
What?
PINKIE
We THREATENED to break your
thumbs!
PINKIE
Pull yourself together.
PINKIE
You're so screwed up!
[ON PHONE]
Hey, it's Leslie
We'll be at the ranch
at 6:30 tomorrow
Yes, everything's fine.
See you then.
Oh, it's just you two!
I thought you were going to
bring some goons to
-beat me up or something
Everything's fine, Barry.
We're okay?
Yeah, of course.
Oh man! Because uh...
Uh, I just also-
I wanted to let you know:
That your horse:
-It was a heart attack.
And it wasn't those, those
horrible
people who were ransacking my
ranch
And...
-I gotta tell you:
-I have just felt
HORRIBLE about this.
Since I found her.
I dunno what to say.
I feel terrible.
I appreciate that, Barry.
Thank you for telling me.
BARRY
Also, I wanted to let you know:
That I had insured Oreo for
a silly amount of money.
Back in her prime.
And since the two
horses look so similiar
I figured go ahead
and FILE the claim
-with YOUR horse
Pretty soon we're going to be
all
seeing a little bit of mailbox
money!
Whose idea was that?
What do you mean 'whose idea'?
It was MY idea.
Well, I didn't know
anything about that!
How could you?
I just told you right now.
-Hey look! The settlement's
going
to be for mid six figures, okay?
I'm going to cut you in for 40%.
I figured I, I should get
the bigger cut since I...
came up with the plan
and took all the risk!
Okay we should be focusing
on the race tomorrow
Yeah, it's going to be hard to
finish last now, right?
LESLIE
What do you mean?
-What do I mean?
We're going to start to run Oreo
at the back of the pack
Gotta get the handicap down so
we can get the money back up!
LESLIE
Why would we do that?
BARRY
I don't understand!
We're Playing Possum!
This is what we do!
Get the money--
What is the matter--
Are you guys just shooting
all my ideas down today?
I mean:
When am I going to get some
credit for
being the brains of this
operation?
You know what Barry?
-Let's start now.
What's going on?
JP GOODMAN
Bailing Barry.
I think I've heard enough!
BARRY
HEY!
Get your hands off me!
COME ON GUYS
This is not right!
You'll hear from my SOMEBODY!
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
ZACHARY
Phil-lip!
Speaking?
Zachary Rothschild. Truman
campaign.
You got time for a little ear
beating over some business?
I get nervous as FUCK
at these things.
Really?
Really!
Uh, yeah, of course.
How are you?
Congrats on the win.
Ethel SURE was pissed.
[LAUGHTER]
ZACHARY
So, now, look
I've got a good news/bad news
type deal here
Sinning is expensive but your
wife's got a few new friends
willing to foot the bill.
Tidy up this little mess you're
in.
Now, the Bad News is
Well if you consider it bad
compared to trail or jail, I
guess
Right.
ZACHARY
You prize money and horses
will be forfeited for your win
and your racing career has been
permenantly retired by
Mr. JP Goodman himself.
ANNOUNCER
Coming up tonight on
Maximum Exposure!
REPORTER
What's a Fiddling Horse?
Barry?
What's a Fiddling Horse?
ZACHARY
Well I like you Philip.
You're a sharp guy
and I know your company's been
in the shitter the last while
and
do you know...why that is?
Not specifically no.
-Because you need a team that
can
recognize one another in the
dark.
And I believe in you!
So I've got 2, 3 other
brothers of mine
to make an investment
in the Ainsworth brand!
INTERVIEWER
So what did you think of
the Bitterman scandal?
COLT
[sighs] Which one?
Are we chronological?
Or do you want me to take
you a walk through history?
ZACHARY
Now, we'll have to meet
and see what's what
before any checks get cashed
but we want to...
make sure everyone in
our family is flush!
Want to make sure those
donation checks keep, uh...
keep back this way. [LAUGHS]
But all jokes aside here, Phil-
We're about two months out so
it's best to start thinking
about
what level contribution
you can make, y'know?
Help put us all get
over the finish line.
Strength and beauty ain't
free...
Okay! Just so you know:
I commissioned this BEFORE
we became criminals, so
Happy Birthday!
Hope you like it.
I love it.
Okay.
I have to say it
IS pretty impressive.
LESLIE
Horse ain't bad either...
Impressive isn't she?
Oh!
Yes, she is.
Horse ain't bad either!
[LAUGHTER]
I love paintings like these.
Well, we'll see if she can't win
us a third getaway house.
Maybe some place tropical this
time.
Hang another one in.
You ever been up to Kentucky
to a Derby dear?
Oh no, not yet.
But we've been meaning to
Oh my!
This year is my fifth
I have a hat for every husband
I've mowed through
Now Rose!
How much does 50 Derby hats
cost?
I did not pay for them. They
did!
For those of you who have not
been properly introduced,
This is Leslie
Muffie Heart's daughter
[SYMPATHETIC STATEMENTS]
Oh, thank you. It's okay.
Which is why you should never
save the good silver
Spend it!
While you're still here!
And she's also requested to take
Muffie's seat at our table.
Yes, and it has also been made
very clear that
Death does not bypass tradition
Process. The usual order of
things.
You can't just elect anyone into
power without proper due
diligence
You'd have total chaos on your
hands
A lot of sick tickets out there
It's been a long time since
we've had a
new addition to our group.
Why don't we move into the other
room and
I thought that we'd be having
tea with
your darling mother here this
morning
Ladies, shall we?
I'm about to show you the single
most offensive word
a representative of this company
could ever utter
Now human resources heard
about me doing this
I would be out on my ass very
quickly.
But I feel like in the last 25
minutes
we've built up quite a rapport.
I feel like I can trust you.
I feel like, unlike my
girlfriend...
YOU can keep a secret!
[LAUGHTER]
What does that screen say?
ALL: Timeshare
No. Get it out of your system.
ALL: Timeshare!
Hallelujah!
You have been exorcised!
How does it feel to be cleansed?
Do not allow this word
back into any sermon!
Do not allow me heretics in your
church with this filthy word!
Okay. By show of hands:
Who flew here today?
Okay. Mr Lew Murphy!
Yes sir.
You indicated with your raised
hand
that you flew here, is that
correct?
Yes sir.
So you own a plane.
No sir!
Oh, so you rented a plane.
No! I bought a ticket.
Just like regular!
You flew with...other people??
Ughhhhhhhhhhhh
[Laughter]
So you're telling me...
because you couldn't afford
to rent your own plane
you couldn't afford
to buy your own plane
So you made an agreement of
sorts
with 200 some other odd people
that you were going to
pool your money
so that you could all afford
to get to your destination.
Right?
So why is it that people are
so willing to travel this way
but they aren't willing to
vacation this way?
It's that word!
That word is programmed into
the brains of every guest
who walks through to that door!
It is an invisible glass of
dragon poison that you
spew all over your guests the
second it comes out of your
mouth,
You Do Not Sell "Time Shares"
You OFFER
[click]
"Fractional Ownership."
[Polite Chatter]
[TNK!]
So! What does your husband do?
Oh, she's not married.
Not yet. Uh, Philip has
fractional
ownership in an investment group
They buy, sell, rent, all sorts
of
properties and assets across the
country
These the timeshares still, are
they?
Luxury resorts Ethel.
In Florida. The Hamptons.
Right now, he's actually
training some
of the top prospects in the
state.
That's a relief.
There was that cheerless woman a
few years back, you remember?
She was buried in the
time share world!
It was always such a
struggle for her!
"Broke Betty"
Broke Betty!
Broke Betty, her bank account up
and down like a yo-yo!
They had to send her to the
"Easy-Does-It" clinic
Clear out her system.
Did a little...[sniffs]
Darling...
She's not married either!
You know what I can't
understand?
Why anyone would pay to vacation
the same 2, 3, 4 days
Over and over. In the same
place!
BORING
It's ridiculous!
So is that where you met?
Oh no, no, no.
Beautiful ring dear!
Oh, thank you. Dorothy.
It's a Bloodstone diamond.
Aries. My birthstone.
Your mother left it to you, did
she?
Oh, no. It's mine. Ethel.
Well...
It's just I've seen it
a few times. So I...
figured it had sentimental
reasons?
Well Philip got it for me on our
first get away to Reykjavik
So it does have sentimental
value.
That's in Iceland right?
Yes.
Everything is frozen solid up
there
No it's not!
Iceland is actually green and
Greenland is covered in ice
I know who I'm picking
on quiz night
[Laughter]
Who?
♪♪♪
Oh no
Don't worry. We aren't going
anywhere.
Ugh. Thank God
I mean you look great. But thank
God
I'm just seeing how I'll be
put together for Friday
I got us invited to the
fundraiser
for James Truman's campaign run
The Truman's already
own half the state
Why do we have to pay
for the other half?
You don't campaign with
your own money
Don't be a lackwit.
Besides
The Ladies Who Lunch
will be attending
It'll be good for me to be seen
there
Oh that's great yeah
You'll be the first person ever
let into a secret society
who can't keep a secret!
I haven't had a slip in weeks
And it's not a secret society!
These are the women who
run the men who run the state
I mean maybe one
of them would be
interested in investing
in your business.
Yeah, maybe. But that's not
what's going to happen.
What's gonna happen is I'm going
to
get locked in talking to that
condescending douchebag.
What's his face?
Stop
Zachary
Yes but stop.
I only have three 'fake
listening'
faces for a party
and he burns through all of
them.
Even before he gets to:
"Yknow, wine is like a poem"
This party isn't fun.
It's work.
Yeah...that's my point
Ugh. These are a nightmare.
What is this? Another early
birthday present for yourself?
Cheaper than new jewerly.
Oh okay. You're penny-pinching.
I can't be seen wearing the same
pieces around these women
It's embarrassing.
So how much were those?
They were half-off
"Half off" like they used to
go up to your shoulders?
There were 900.
I got them for half off
It's not like I was being
reckless
No. 450 for gloves is...
great!
Okay. They were $1800.
And
I would prefer if we
could just drop this.
Philip.
Alright.
A woman in this world
is expected to carry
a certain amount of
luxury in her life.
And from her husband.
Sorry, okay?
I, I need friends.
Okay?
I need to get out of the house
These women worshipped my mother
And one way or another
They are damn-well going
to respect me too.
So what are they serving
at this thing?
We'll have something
beforehand.
There's not going to
be food is there?
We'll have something
beforehand.
How much did these
tickets cost?
[LONG SIGH]
Okay. Based on that answer:
I'm going to say
this is about a...
two-thousand dollar thing.
They were a thousand and I had
to work very hard to get them.
Just saying. For...
five-hundred dollars each
Maybe they could give
us a little food?
They were a thousand each.
And I prefer if we didn't
go on and on about this.
It's not going to be an
all-the-time thing
and you know this
matters to me
It was a two-thousand
dollar answer!
You said "about two-thousand"
So: No.
That isn't the same thing.
And going on and on forever
won't change the fact
that we will have something...
beforehand.
Right.
It's a fundraiser Philip.
Can't raise funds if
you're spending them
So basically you're telling me
she's good at saving money.
Just not yours?
We're going to go broke
trying to keep up with people
who are going to be dead by
the time we catch them.
By her damn self.
How's your group out there
today?
My group? Glad you asked.
They are horrible.
I don't think they can
close an umbrella
Let alone close a deal.
No stars today?
No stars.
They're like, horrible man.
But! Of course.
Of course!
Send us the worst ones, right?
We've always been able to
whip 'em into shape.
So, I have confidence that we
will. Know what Im sayin'?
Plus I got you on
my team, right?
That's right.
Right. My man!
How'd you do last night?
Aw shit Phil
[LAUGHS]
Didn't do so well?
Uh, I may have to trade my
SL in for a skateboard!
Ouch.
-I did horrible
Yeah man. I'm down like
threee grand and uh...
I did 1 for 6 in basketball
2 for 12 in football
Had the nerve to do
0 and 8 in college.
What about hockey?
Hockey?
Phil! What the fuck
do I. know about hockey?
I know hockey. I can pick for
you.
Let me pick for a week.
Let me pick for a week!
-No, no, no
I'll do you right. I swear.
Not to put your business out
there
Phil, but uh...
I heard you had this thing....
uh...
with gambling?
It's not "a thing" with
gambling.
It's not even me gambling.
I'm just picking for you to
gamble.
Ahh. No shit.
You shit the bed, my friend.
"Shit the bed" - Phil
The fucking dog don't even
lick my hand no more.
-Lew, you deserve this!
-You deserve to taste
the fruits of your labor
You deserve 4 nights a year at
a luxury property with your
wife!
It's time to rekindle the
romance.
It's time to get whole again!
SIR!
Me and my wife have been in
here for almost an hour!
We just about had enough of
this!
Can we just get our circus
tickets
that we was promised at the
door?
-So we can be on our way?
Alright!
Your back's against the wall.
What do you do?
You are going to "Play Possum."
You're going to turn to your
guests.
You're going to look him
straight in the eye
and VERY kindly
you're going to say:
[sighs]
I'm so sorry, Lew
I'm sorry I kept you this long.
-I apologize.
Let me, let me get your
vouchers filled out
We'll get you your tickets.
You'll be off to the
circus in no time.
Okay. Sounds great.
-If I could ask though
what was it about this
opportunity
that didn't work out for you?
Was it the price?
Was it the location?
Yes it seemed to be a little
high.
Yeah?
Yes
Alright!
Now you're talking price!
Now he thinks he's going
to get outta here
He starts being polite again!
That's your 'in'
You're talking price.
You're talking last minute
deals.
You need to manufacture urgency!
That's what hypnotizes
otherwise rational people
into doing totally irrational
things!
[APPLAUSE]
I didn't know you were home.
It's cold out here.
What's going on?
My father died today.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm the last 'Heart' left
I'm the next in line to go.
Uh, turns out there's a will
I have to meet with the lawyer
in the morning, so...
Wow.
It's just
you'd
always said
your father WAS dead so...
I'm not exactly sure what to
give you here, but
whatever you need.
I guess I can keep a secret
if I'm mad enough.
Well, technically you just blew
it
by telling me about it.
[LAUGHS]
I'm sorry...
So sorry, I'm running late.
Thank you so much
for meeting me here!
It's so great to
finally meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Wow.
You're younger than what
Dandy described!
Oh?
Oh, don't take that the wrong
way.
I mean it is a compliment.
It just came out this
big mouth of mine.
Heh.
Well I see it says here:
He left nearly everything to
you.
The cars.
The house.
All the funds remaining
in the accounts.
Which turns out to be
quite substantial!
I don't want the house.
You don't want the house?
Well, there is one other
person listed here
I guess - do you want the
house to go to them?
What's the other name listed?
Uh, let's see down here...
"Leslie Heart"
His daughter.
Ma'am. I am Leslie Heart.
(sighs)
I'm so sorry.
What time is it?
Ten past ten.
Have you seen another lady
walking around here?
Thankfully not.
Leslie.
I understand that you lost
touch with your father?
Yes. Quite awhile ago.
He always remembered the last
time you visited the house
You had asked him for something
Something you had ALWAYS wanted!
What did I say I wanted?
[HORSE GRUNTS]
Wait!
THIS is the thing?
Well not this horse exactly, but
Oh god..
I wanted a horse when
I was nine!
That's what it
says right here!
Your father would've loved
to have seen your face!
Typical.
[HORSE GRUNTS]
-How do you get rid of a horse?
I have no idea.
I'm not in the mob.
It is SO rude to leave behind
a burden on someone
GUILT or otherwise.
They said they had enough
supplies at the house
to take care of it
for a month
So let's let them
take care of it
-We'll figure out what to do.
We have to get rid of it!
I'll ask around.
What do you think it's worth?
It's got to fetch a decent
amount!
I don't know.
We could put an ad with
a picture in the paper
See what happens.
No, no, no. The classifieds?
That is the last thing we need..
The Heart name in the
backpages alongside
yards sales and prostitutes.
Ooo! What about Richard from
work?
Yeah. He can't afford a
horse right now.
No, but you said he's
always at the track.
Maybe he knows somebody.
Okay...I'll ask.
I can't believe the
money is all gone.
-Every cent!
To some uptown hussie
named Harriet.
Who evidently didn't want
the horse either
Or she'd have gotten that too!
Oh hey man, there you are!
Phil! My man.
Bring it in.
Man!
I know hockey!
Hockey's some wicked shit!
I'm out here trippin'
Some guy, team
The Whalers!
They won.
All I know is I'm up two grand!
Nice.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey I wanted to ask you this:
Do you know anyone
down at the track
who might be interested
in buying a horse?
This is a beautiful beast.
It's a horse
Where'd you get this from?
Leslie's father died.
Again.
Don't ask.
And he left it for us
to figure out
You ever think about racing?
No. That sounds expensive.
You already got the horse Phil.
There's a lot of money
around that race track.
Those funny hats
ain't free baby
You think? You don't think
we should sell it?
Bruh
Phil.
Sheesh.
Bruh look:
I just so happen to
know a dude
named Barry
Okay.
He was a hot-shot jockey
Hot as TV!
And he's looking to
get back into training
Okay.
Right?
Yeah.
It's like some cosmic shit!
This don't happen just like...
So, your girl, like
she cool? Like...
Like she into crooked shit?
What illegal shit
are we talking about?
I'm just saying though
He got into a little trouble.
I'll let him explain...
to you what happened
I don't know a man's
business like that.
It's all good.
Yeah, ya dig?
So: I introduce you to Barry
I can call him up
Matter fact look
It's 4 o'clock
His ass should be up.
If he ain't up
Imma get his ass up!
Call him.
Yeah.
Don't forget to tell your girl:
Shit...IS illegal.
-I might tell her
something different
Yeah!
[LAUGHS]
Who the hell are you?
I'm Philip.
Richard's friend
with the horse?
Oh.
Do I smell pot?
No?
You didn't just smoke pot
before you got here?
No!
Come into my office.
So! You're looking to get
into the pony business
Thinking about it, yeah.
Well, it's very, very pricey.
It can be expensive!
What are we talking about?
Depends on what you're
looking to do.
Well my girlfriend inherited a
horse
and
we're looking to make as
gluttonous
use out of it as possible
You've come to the right place!
You like to gamble?
Used to.
Used to do some
sports betting, yeah.
You cheat on your wife?
-AH HA HAA!
You can't do that!
Look at how long you paused!
and you did the thing with
the shake with your head!
I wasn't ready for
the question.
Well you better be ready when
your wife asks that!
Trust me!
I'm not even married and
why are we talking about this?
What does this have
to do with horses?
The response to those two
questions
tells me just about everything I
need to know about a person.
Well, I've never cheated.
Ahh!
You don't have to sell me!
Okay?
I'm not judgemental!
I'm just saying
I have a business to run here.
I don't need sexual deviancy
around my business.
I'm a professional!
Mister Barry!
Si!
Lavar el caballo! Sucio!
SI!
Si.
-Jesus...
I told them I understood
what they were talking about
so they wouldn't stand around
and
bad mouth me in Spanish.
Let's go see what
they're screaming about.
BARRY
How good do you want to be?
PHILIP
What do you mean?
BARRY
What do YOU mean?
PHILIP
I wanted someone
to train our horse?
Well, I mean
You wanna just win a few races?
Or you tryna get rich?
Ideally both.
What's the difference?
Well maybe there's a
situation that's available
where it doesn't
necessarily matter
how we finish in the race.
Is this situation cheating?
Well, look:
I wouldn't go crazy
trying to judge it.
I'm just saying there's a
situation available
for someone who's willing
potentially
to follow up on it.
Potentially!
Okay?
Maybe we stop the
horse at home.
What does that mean?
"Stop them at home"
Y'know, like, there's
too many lookie-loos
and camera's at the track now.
So what we do:
is we just won't wind
her up all the way
PHILIP
Do you ONLY speak in riddles?
Quit playing games with me Jack!
Barry! What are you doing?
Are you with the jockey club?
Jockey Cl--
ARE YOU WITH THE
HORSE POLICE?
The "horse police"?
Did Katzman put you
up to this?
I don't know who that is!
HA HA HA HA
That's exactly what Katzman
would say
to tell you!
This isn't my first rodeo,
Will Lockheart!
I don't know who
that is either!
-Will you please put that down!
-I'm just trying to
bring some peace
to my house and I'm trying
to appease my girlfriend!
Help me out!
-You're a GUY!
Look. I don't know you.
Y'know, people they
they come around here.
They start asking me
all these questions.
They actually send OFFICIALS
out here to SPY on me!
They do that?
Probably!
Didn't Richard fill you in
that I was coming?
-Yeah. He filled me in
on the horse!
He didn't fill me in on YOU!
Oh hey! That looks like our
horse.
That's "Oreo Express"!
He was my finest champion!
He won a lot of money for me
until he started getting lazy.
Now look at this!
What a life!
I wish someone would hose
me down every night
Now, he can't win races.
He can't stud.
He's just freeloading on me like
everybody else around here.
Good looking animal though!
Exactly!
They're all beautiful animals.
Nobody knows anything.
That's why the plan works!
Okay so what's the plan?
UH...
We can talk about that
at some other time.
Or juncture.
Phil.
I guess I should know
what you're doing
but I don't.
This is a game that's
best played quiet.
You don't know...
who's listening.
When they're listening.
Or what they're listening to.
We operate in silence here Phil.
Silence.
[WHISPERS]
What's...the...plan?
I'm not going to--
I can't tell you the plan
You'll just cut me out of it.
I'm not stupid!
C'mon...
-Look Phil
I have...
trust issues.
-My whole life it's been this
way.
-I give to people
a hundred percent.
And then just as I get
a fish on the line
They cut bait.
Well, that's not me.
I would never do that.
Okay, I'm going to
sound it out for you.
Things have not been
going well since
Oreo went soft.
And all I have is this place.
-And the banks are calling
and they're sending people
around all the time
and it turns out
there's only so many places
you can hide on a ranch.
It's not like I can slip
into a nearby cave!
Yeah, well, I understand.
We haven't been having the
best time of it lately either.
Everyone's got a sad story
Okay.
I just need a little information
so I can go home
sell it to Leslie.
Who is Leslie?
Leslie is my girlfriend!
Is she going to be a problem?
Yes almost certainly she's
going to be a problem.
Ohh I get it.
The salesman who can't
sell himself to his wife
Yeah, she's not my wife.
AH HAAA!
SEE?
Now look:
Here's what we're gonna do:
We lose a few races.
We get the handicap way down.
and then when things look good
we make a bet and we clean up!
How much?
-Y'know, a horse, if he was
lucky
and he ran a few races and won
you could win a hundred thousand
dollars in a season.
-but outside of the
race track where the
REAL race is running:
You could make a hundred
thousand
dollars in a MONTH!
And that was twenty-some years
ago.
Okay so what happens though
when someone finds out?
Like who?
-I don't know!
Like Cat Man or whoever it was
you thought I was when I showed
up
It's not against the law
to lose a race!
So what? The jockey's in
on this too?
Yeah because it's easier than
trying
to explain it all to the horse.
Weren't you too tall to be a
jockey?
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
But y'know what happened was
I grew 5 inches
right in the middle of my prime
and it ruined everything.
Which is exactly what my ex-wife
said to me on our honeymoon!
How'd you get in trouble?
You name it! With her?
She's a bitch!
Y'know, you talk to her:
Hi Honey! and--
With RACING.
Oh. Okay. That.
Well what happened was
It was this whole...
doping scandal.
I got confused!
-I stuck the steriods in MY ass.
I was supposed to put
it in the horse's-
How could you make a muh
Okay look:
You need to find a trainer
and I need to find a horse
who runs faster than I do.
So let's do this:
We'll defer the cost of feed and
labor.
Okay.
Right?
I'll train the horse.
-Kind of.
But I still have to wet
my beak a little bit
But what I'm going to do
for you is I'm going to
cut my usual fee
from six thousand
to three thousand dollars a
month
and then after that
Twenty cents of every
dollar going forward.
Standard.
We are having a hard week
at our house
I'm not sure I have three
extra grand this month.
-Well we BOTH
will...if you trust me
and stick with the plan!
Now what do ya say?
Do we got a deal on this?
Come on!
Hop in!
The
The business is warm!
Alright!
Now, remember:
You have to explain the plan to
her
It's not my job to deal
with an angry wife!
I understand.
And she's not my wife!
Okay.
Hey! Can we go smoke
some pot in your car?
Before you go?
Yeah, I gotta get home, okay?
OOOH!
So you admit you have pot in
your car now, dontcha?
-I gotta go tell Leslie The Big
Plan
Ohhh yes!
Go tell Leslie The Big Plan
I wouldn't want you to get
in trouble with your
FI-UNS-SEE
It's not like that Barry.
[Philip chews loudly]
Mmmmphh.
So how much money are we
talking?
Those funny hats aren't free!
What does that even mean?
Are you high?
-Y'know? I kind of
smelled something like it
out at the ranch.
-That must be what you're
smelling.
-Anyways! I did what you said.
-I looked into it.
[DOOR KICKED OPEN]
PHILIP
Perfect deal
PHILIP
He takes the horse. We can
afford it.
PHILIP
Horse gets pampered
PHILIP
We make money the whole time
PHILIP
It's a great situation!
[GLASS SMASHING]
LESLIE
How do you know he's any good?
PHILIP
I used your idea. I asked
Richard.
PHILIP
He recommended him.
He's this guy who used to be
this famous jockey and
something happened, he got
accused of some shit.
But he's back now!
And he's ready to get
into business with us.
Well so why exactly did he
leave?
I dunno.
We didn't really get into it.
I had to be home for dinner.
[CAR STARTS]
PINKY
Grow up Bitterman!
PINKY
We know you're hiding.
[LOUD CRASH]
LESLIE
Well, I would have to meet him.
PHILIP
He said he can come pick
up the horse anytime.
PHILIP
You can meet him then.
PHILIP
I just thought the Trumans
were in the horse racing...
scene so...
maybe that'd be a good way
to get in with them, but
y'know, we don't have to.
♪♪♪
LESLIE
Don't say anything about racing
or the horse to anyone!
PHILIP
I'm going to try not to
say anything all night.
PHILIP
Thank you!
LESLIE
Hi, hello, thank you!
Put it on! You HAVE to wear it.
I'm not wearing it.
You're wearing it!
Don't embarrass me.
Wanna hit the bar?
Please behave. I don't ask you
for much.
Folks! Could I have y'alls
attention for a minute please?
Thank y'all very much.
I promise I'll make this
short and sweet
Kinda like my grand-daughter
over there!
[LAUGHTER]
-But anyway uh...
I appreciate y'all being here
tonight.
Y'all look fantastic.
-And I want to thank y'all for
y'all's contributions.
-And really for supporting my
campaign.
The fact that you trust me
with your money
really motivates me to be the
best
treasurer this state's ever
seen!
Unlike my opponent who
-I'm not really sure can
balance his check book
-Much less a state budget, uh..
[LAUGHTER]
-There's really two things
we need to get this campaign
over the finish line
and to victory!
And that is:
[UNISON]
SIGNS IN YARDS
AND VOTES ON CARDS!
Thank y'all very much!
[APPLAUSE]
ETHEL
Bravo!
Wasn't he just
wonderful up there?
I'd vote for him.
Um..
What we need is
your donation, dear
Not your vote
Your vote is assumed.
The money is expected.
Surely, your mother
over time has
explained the rules and
how it all works around here?
Of course.
Oh.
Good!
So I can continue to
count on you
for the SIZEABLE contributions
we've grown accustomed to
from the Heart family?
Definitely.
ZACHARY ROTHSCHILD
This guy! Right here!
You're going.
You're going!
You're gettin' there.
That was a great, great speech.
WHOO
Did you, uh...
did you hear that last line?
Yeah. I did.
Touching.
The way it rhymed like that.
It was good.
Mmm!
"Touching"
I never-yeah!
Well.
Yeah.
I...
Well, I wrote it.
Ahh!
You wrote what?
The end of that speech.
Oh?
The last line.
Congratulations.
I wrote, I wrote the
end of that speech!
That was great!
Well thank you. Very much.
Cheers!
I, uh, yeah
I work, I work for the
Truman campaign.
Right, yeah, you were, uh
You were telling me
that last time we met.
Philip!
Philip.
I never forget a face.
Sometimes a name.
Put 'er there buddy!
Zachary.
Zachary Rothschild.
Nice to see you again.
Again? Again! Again.
Right right right.
Isn't it a bit hot
for gloves, dear?
Oh, no. They're okay.
In my day, when a woman
wore gloves, it meant...
she was hiding something.
Oh now now chin up!
I didn't mean you necessarily.
I know.
Heh.
ZACHARY
Ooo! So, uh...
ZACHARY
Yeah, what are you...
ZACHARY
You still flippin' uh..
timeshares was it?
Yeah! See? Your memory's coming
back.
Yeah, yeah. You-
How d'you
how...how do you get into that?
Y'know, did you start with
with telemarketing and then
pyrimad schemes then MLMs or...?
No, generally you start with a
six figure capitol investment.
Oh!
Are you interested in
fractional ownership?
Factional?
"Fractional" ownership.
"Factional"
We don't, we don't generally use
"timeshare" in the business
anymore
because of
the way you said it.
So you are rebranding sir!
That is rebranding.
Using language.
You would do well in politics.
That is called "spin" my friend.
That is called Good Spin.
I like it!
I'm-
It's aspirational!
HEH HEH HEH!
Mmmm.
MmmMm.
[SLURP SOUNDS]
Oh this wine is NOT
aspirational.
It's heavy on the "ass".
Surely...
Your mother left you
with enough pieces
to get you by.
You know, until you could
appreciate a little and
Afford to buy a
a few pieces.
That woman had more rocks
than Wilma Flintstone.
Mmm!
And then:
You can look into buying
a painting of a horse yourself!
That is...
You know, when you and Philip
are in a position to afford one.
We've got a horse Ethel.
You do?
Really.
Yes.
Well!
Everybody's got to
start somewhere.
ZACHARY
Boy!
Did he deliver that last line!
Oh! Wasn't he amazing?
Amazing, darling.
Cheers to you.
Where's your button?
Well...I
I think I...
I did misplace it.
You did?
[LAUGHTER]
ETHEL
I just want to see what
she's going to do
ETHEL
when she gets on her seventh
glass of champagne
And I don't really...
I don't know if I really
want to know...
JAMES
Nah, probably not,
There's my favorite high
society ladies!
-How y'all doin'?
Here's to the future treasurer
of the state of Louisiana!
-Yes it is!
Here's to you!
How you doin', blue eyes?
Great!
Hello sir!
I'm, uh, Muffie Heart--
-Heh. I'm LESLIE.
Muffie Heart's daughter.
Sorry for your loss.
-Oh. Thank you.
Thank you. Um!
Congratulations on what will
no doubt be
a very successful campaign!
Uh, Ms. Heart.
It might be suitable
to address my granddaughter
-with your gloves on, but...
they are certainly
to be removed
when greeting a
person of stature!
Of course.
Time to go?
When you speak to
Barry tomorrow...
You tell him: I'm In.
PHILIP
Look at you!
BARRY
Why don't you put her
in #3 alright?
HANDLER
Yes sir.
BARRY
Philip!
Hey.
Wait a second Philip.
This isn't...
This isn't the girl
I met yesterday!
What's going on?
AHHHHH
OHHHHHHHHH!
I gotcha! I gotcha!
I, uh
Lotta people don't know this but
In two action films
I played the role
of Jew Jitzsu!
I forgot to mention:
He comes with jokes.
See what I like to do is:
I like to start out being
a little bit obnoxious
just to set a standard.
And then eventually
you'll see my heart of gold!
But I can see from THAT face
that you're not happy!
And I'm also a little bit
frightened of you.
Leslie, right?
Yes. Hello.
Good to meet you.
So, Philip's been telling me
that there's good money in
racing.
Yeah. You can make
a small fortune
from racing.
Unfortunately you usually
start out with a big fortune
Well-
We're new to this. I mean,
I-I just want to
find out how we
can get started.
Alright. Let's grab a
drink and talk about it.
What do ya say?
Let's go.
Let's do it!
BARRY
Look and learn!
Watch and learn!
BARRY
Watch and listen!
Listen and learn!
PHILIP
Okay. Stop talking.
BARRY
Okay.
MAN
Nice shot, Bailing Barry!
These bar cues are bullshit!
I can't work with this.
It's not professional.
So how long before
she's ready to race?
Why wait?
We'll breeze her an
eighth of a mile
for a few days
"Some Like It Heart"
That's her name!
-She's part of my family
now and...
she deserves a name.
We'll breeze "Heart The Horse"
half the length of the race
so she'll burn out early
-Little extra food
at dinner time.
-Bucket of beer for
breakfast instead of hay.
PHILIP
They drink beer?
BARRY
Oh, they love it!
Compared to real
training it's actually
kind of a deal for them.
Wait. That's the plan?
You WANT to lose?
-We talked about this for an
hour and a half the other day!
What's wron-- he didn't
tell you any of this?
What'd you get in trouble for
back when you raced?
Fine!
You want me to tell you?
I'll tell you.
I owed some money to
some local guys
who worked for some
foreign guys
who made it very clear to me
that I was to come in
fourth or worse
They put me on a horse
called "Golden Nugget".
It won three out
of it's last four
The money they were going to
win from THEIR horse winning
was supposed to cover my tab
They'd get paid out.
And all at the expense of me
risking
everything I've ever worked for.
ANNOUNCER
Annnd they're off!
Madeline Winter, Hustle Hard and
the
Grace Of God are off and away
Glass Firmament fires to the
front
but it's Golden Nugget
winning the early lead!
BARRY
This horse was a champion
won three out it's last four!
I couldn't stop him!
He wanted to win!
ANNOUNCER
He's stuck in the ruckus coming
out of turn number one
ANNOUNCER
Down the back stretch they go!
ANNOUNCER
Madeline Winter the long-shot
I tried pulling on the reigns.
I did the fake-whipping schtick.
but there's only so much you
can do without getting busted!
ANNOUNCER
Grace Of God and Madeline
Winter.
It's a stretch of three.
ANNOUNCER
Glass Firmament on the outside
ANNOUNCER
And it's round the final turn
they go!
ANNOUNCER
YOWZA YOWZA YOWZA
So now we're coming around
the final turn.
ANNOUNCER
Golden Nugget holding strong
ANNOUNCER
The champion daring anyone to
challenge for the lead
and is thus far going
fully uncontested!
And uh...we're gonna win.
And I realize
there's only one option I have
to me that doesn't include
gory death via mob.
ANNOUNCER
All charging hard for second
position
ANNOUNCER
as Golden Nugget powers ahead
by nine lengths.
ANNOUNCER
Off and away to certain victory.
Grace Of God--
ANNOUNCER
OH NO! THE JOCKEY BAILED OFF
ANNOUNCER
Bitterman has bailed off!
ANNOUNCER
Golden Nugget is disqualified
now running amok!
ANNOUNCER
Oh my word!
What a disgraceful display!
I bailed off.
-I got a ten year ban.
My name ran through the mud.
-And now half the time I go
anyplace
-Stupid assholes like this guy
mouth off
He wasn't even alive
when it happened!
Look at this guy!
I aim for an hour.
Doesn't go in.
This guy just walks up like
a dizzy man. Boom!
-Alright rack 'em up, Slim
Pickins!
We're playing this one for money
PHILIP
You've lost the last three.
BARRY
Gimme odds! C'mon Kenny Rogers.
A hundred bucks if I win.
Twenty-five if you do.
PHILIP
Uh. I don't bet...
BARRY Y'know, it shows poor
character to become a completely
different person
just because you're girlfriend's
here.
[TRUMPHET PLAYS 'CALL TO POST']
ANNOUNCER
We're back for another maiden
special weight group today
Always great to see these
young horses coming along
A few making their first
lifetime start in this race
Some are showing improvement
coming in
others: not so much!
Erikynn Ace is the heavy
favorite this race
as she debuts for a
very strong stable!
Her morning works suggest that
she'll
be good to go today at first
asking
The 3: Darn Good Signal
#5: "Through The Five-Hole" gets
a better post to work with today
She just missed last time out.
For those that like to
chase after long shots:
"Some Like It Heart"
Little known about this filly.
Her works are just okay and
she'll strictly be a long-shot
today
in this, her career debut.
As we get set for
the post-parade, standby!
VOICE-OVER
Coming up tonight! On Maximum
Exposure.
COLT
Hard work. Delayed
gratification.
Be patient. You'll be happier
later.
VOICE OVER
We catch up with celebirty
horse trainer Colt Reynolds!
COLT
I only really deal with
people who are famous
Or of quality.
VOICE OVER
Can he capture his
fourth derby title
with pony protègè
"Talk Veuve To Me"
COLT
Once you've got the success
you never want to let it go.
VOICE OVER
Join us as Colt gets real about
the high-stakes highs
and the last-lap lows
of the racing world
COLT
The morning after the battle
is far more challenging
than the day of the battle.
And that's absolutely
been true in my life
VOICE OVER
And how he's managed
to stay on top
of the racing world
for two decades!
But that's all I'll tell you.
The rest you'll have fun
learning by yourself.
VOICE OVER
Tonight at 9, 8 central.
Our girl's up in
Lexington right now.
Getting ready for the season.
Colt Reynolds has been working
with her for two weeks
leading up to Saratoga.
ROSALINA
Keep that winning streak going!
ETHEL
Losing is tacky!
[LAUGHS]
It's got to be avoided
at all costs, right?
And you dear!
How's your little hobby
coming along?
Oh! Uh, which hobby is that?
Well, you mentioned you
were dabbling in racing.
Or...
have we given that up already?
No! Uh. It's going good, yeah.
-Yeah?
Yup
Oh!
So...you've raced her?
Uh, no, not yet.
So, uh, that wasn't your
horse this Saturday?
Where'd you hear that?
I don't know! I just
have these two ears
and too many people just willing
to
fill them with the latest
goings-ons
[LAUGHTER]
Things DO have a way of
getting around.
Get around!
That was our perspective
trainer's horse
Oh!
Philip and I were just there to
support him and watch the
process
Oh, well, didn't do him
much good did it?
[LAUGHS]
That poor baby came in
four lengths behind the pack
It was going to be a photo
finish
but it got dark right at the end
[LAUGHTER]
Ten people have to lose Ethel.
ETHEL
I think you've had
enough icing.
Darling, C'mon.
What'd you have? Seven?
[HORSE GRUNTS]
PHILIP
Careful honey!
Aw, she's gentle.
Good thing we're not trying to
win.
Why?
Colt Reynolds.
Rich asshole.
No offense.
He has a horse in every race.
He's one of these
try-hard jerks
who gives extra effort
and wins all the time
because of his honesty
It's gross.
Bitterman.
BITTERMAN!
Heyyy...
-You're pretty jumpy.
After all these years
I wouldn't think you'd
STILL be jumpy.
Well
You're not on top of the
racing world, believe me
but you're still in
good shape I see
Oh! You know I'm training with
Angelo Dundee these days.
Training. To take a fall?
-You don't need Angelo!
-I didn't even know they allowed
guys like you back in this place
How'd you even get
in here anyway?
You still have you fake ID?
COLT
The two of you
I wish you the best of luck
With him: It's going to be all
bad
Yup
Thank you!
ANNOUNCER
"Chippy Kippy" is a beautiful
filly
that will try to make some noise
If she can get some open road
today:
Watch for "Chippy Kippy"
Riders are now up.
We're getting set to post
parade.
The race favorite continues
to be "Opinions Rae"
while the longest shot on the
board is "Some Like It Heart"
[DOOR SLAMS]
RICH
Barry!
RICH
BARRY!
LADY
Calm down!
RICH
No I won't calm down!
Barry. Find me another silk
or I'm not riding.
You are BUGBOY now.
You're late once:
You give up your first name
You're late twice;
You give up your second name
I was at the barn and
no one was there.
You told me 12:30!
That doesn't sound like me!
-At any rate
-Philip and Leslie, this is
BugBoy.
It's Rich.
Nice to meet you Rich.
Hi. I'm Philip.
Nice to meet you.
Sorry...
RICH
I'm used to him.
Where the hell have you been?
It's five minutes before the
race!
What's the matter with you?
I'm NOT wearing this.
I made this especially for YOU!
Look at the wings here.
"BB". What do you think that
stands for?
What?
Bailing Barry?
Oh wow.
Who needs to hear that right
now?
No one.
ANNOUNCER
Trying to gain from second
is "Polly's Phoenix"
"Pink Moon" and "Jessica D"
are together for third with
"Flower Power" "Some Like It
Heart"
and "Karma's Coming"
rounding out this one.
"Locke Shore" for the win!
over "Polly's Phoenix" and
"Jessica D"
then came "Pink Moon" "Flower
Power"
"Some Like It Heart" was next to
last
over "Karma's Coming"
Hey, check it out!
Because the casino-
track makes so much money now
They pay out a subsidy
to ALL the horses.
Not just the Top 5.
So, boom!
850 bones.
Don't tell anybody where you got
that.
Who's going to ask?
Winner only got about
fifty-thousand dollars more.
Winning is a rich man's game.
This was a good day.
RICH
You cut me off and you know it!
That asshole checked me!
Hey hey! Hey hey.
Watch your language dude!
[LAUGHING]
Okay, it's cold.
Let's go. Let's go.
Hello Folks!
Hi!
Hi.
Oh hi!
Oh shit.
JP Goodman.
Jockey Club President.
Oh is that what
the "JP" stands for?
No sir.
It stand's for equal
rights for women.
-Hello Miss
-Hi, hello.
JP
Philip. Ainsworth.
Philip is it.
Tremendous day for a race,
wasn't it?
Yeah good day.
GREAT day.
Race day.
Wonderfine day.
BARRY
Yeah. Ha ha.
How long you been racing?
Well this is just our second
race--
Well actually we're going
to head out now
because it's uh,
getting so late
We're heading out because
our horse gets too antsy
when it's been in
the trailer all day
Bangs around.
Heard there was a bit
of a ruckus up here
and I wanted to come by
and make sure everybody
was still living and breathing.
Oh! No.
No ruckus.
Absolutely nothing on
the ruckus front.
RICH
Do it again and see
what happens!
BARRY
Easy easy!
Don't yell at the track.
I will not! He's just
a glorified strapper!
You cut me off and you know it!
Jesus, Rich. Calm down.
I'm selling the goof, you goob.
Cut me off again, you asshole!
Yeah!
So, everybody managed
to calm down?
Yes. We sedated him.
[LESLIE LAUGHS]
Well just wanted to make sure
you folks were alright
and didn't need anything from
us.
LESLIE
Oh, no. We are GREAT.
We're gonna do better next time!
[BARRY LAUGHS]
That's true.
You couldn't do worse.
Alright, well:
Ride Fast And Take Chances!
as we like to say.
That's the plan!
We will!
We will. Absolutely.
LESLIE
Yup, yeah.
Alright.
Have a good night.
BARRY
Thanks for checkin'.
Why do you just tell
him the whole plan!
What's the matter with you?
What? What could I do?
He asked me!
It's not our second race.
He asked me a question.
He didn't ask you
how many races
It's not like he can't
look at the records!
There's no reason-
Never give more than
you're supposed to...give
Sorry I'm not a criminal.
ANNOUNCER
Could today be the day for
"Some Like It Heart"?
Horse player's don't think so.
She's the longest shot on the
board.
"Some Like It Heart" is a big
number
on the tote board right now
She's 20/1 on the number line
and horse players appear to
have lost any faith in this
filly
"Some Like It Heart" is trying
to be best of the rest
but the rest are
well back in here
It's "Abra Girl" for the win!
"Some Like It Heart" deserves to
be
30/1 in the morning line for
this race
She has yet to show anything
thus far in her career.
BARRY
Yes!
Congrats.
They took 5 pounds off the
saddle after the last race
This'll easily give us
five more for next week.
I heard The Women talking about
a race in a few weeks at
Saratoga
It's the day before my birthday
and THAT is the one
I want us to win.
Y'know, it's not really that
simple.
You said we had to win one
for this whole thing to work.
Yes.
But we need to cherry pick.
Do a little research.
Make sure it's a race we
actually have a shot at.
Well, we have three weeks
to make it work.
I haven't asked anything
of anyone during this
and I know you don't know me
very well, Barry, but
I have been EXTREMELY
reasonable so far
I got into this for money and
spite
by the end of it
I WILL have won
at one or the other.
I'll do my best.
[BARRY SINGS]
Boom boom boom.
Let's go up to my room.
And we can dippa booka buhboo--
I am DRUNK.
Bitterman.
Yeah!
You waiting for him too?
My name's Philip Ainsworth.
I'm with the A.A.R.P
-Mr. Bitterman is six months
behind on his dues.
-We're going to take the
magazine away from him.
BRAIN
-You think we're stupid?
We ain't stupid.
Bitterman.
Okay.
BRAIN
We came here to trash the place.
But it's still fucked
up from last time!
PINKIE
That was a MONTH ago.
Bitterman.
I loved what you
did with the place
I kept it the
way you left it!
BRAIN
Nah, nah.
We're gonna need
atleast five gees, y'know.
To call off Dr. Willis.
"Five gees"?
Five
THOUSAND
Bitterman
Look-
Nah no no, no 'look'
BRAIN
You've done this to yourself!
PINKIE
You don't live up to the HYPE
PINKIE
Bitterman!
BRAIN
We're good
reasonable people!
You made us this way...
BITTERMAN.
Like I told the guy on
the phone two days ago:
I just need...
'til Thursday!
[EXHALES]
I'll get it for you.
BRAIN
No, no, no, look:
BRAIN
You promise things and then you
fail!
BARRY
I won't this time. I won't.
What if Thursday comes and goes?
What then, huh?
Huh Bitterman?
PINKIE
Huh?
BRAIN
HUH?
PINKIE
HUH??
BRAIN
HUH??!
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Philip Ainsworth?
Speaking!
How the hell are ya Philip?
This is JP Goodman.
We met a few weeks back?
Do you recall?
Oh yes! Hello.
Mr. Goodman. Nice to
hear from you. How are ya?
Reason I'm calling today is
since we ran into each other
I've noticed you've been having
a
helluva bad streak of luck
past few times out.
Yeah, well my girlfriend
inherited
uh, this horse from her father
and we've been trying our
hand at racing it and, uh
As you know it's
not an easy path.
It's not easy!
Takes a lot of years
and a lot of luck.
And a great trainer,
first and foremost.
Heh. Right,
Right.
You're not a trainer yourself
are you Philip?
No!
You found yourself one?
Uh...
Yeah, well, we had one
recommended to us
It was a friend of mine,
I went to him, asked him and
he recommended me one, yeah,
Hmm
Have you at all familiarized
yourself with Rule 155.5
of the Jockey Club Code Of
Ethics?
It states: "No person shall be
guilty
of any improper conduct
or inappropriate behaviour"
Is this about the jockey ruckus?
I wish it was.
LESLIE
Okay. And then what did you say?
Y'know, I just bullshitted.
I said, y'know we're doing,
erm--
we're learning our way
we're, we're losing some races
but Barry's been very
professional
This guy did NOT like Barry.
Okay? I understand that
because I barely like Barry.
But he hasn't lied to us yet.
Y'know, he seemed to buy it.
Y'know, he's trying to
mob me up
He's trying to scare me with
his mob tactics and I'm not--
"Mob tactics"
Mob tactics, just tactics.
I'm not saying he's in the mob.
I'm saying he's mob adjacent.
[LESLIE SIGHS]
It'll be fine.
Yes he was throwing all sorts of
regulations and rules at me
but there's a difference between
regulations and laws, okay?
We're not breaking laws
We're breaking rules.
So.
Just keep your shit together
and we'll be fine.
OUR shit.
Let's keep OUR shit together.
Oh my god.
-I'll be fine.
I'm a, I'm a
I'm a salesman.
I can do this.
You are so far out of your
element.
No, I'm not.
Okay.
I'm getting to my element.
-If this screws something up
with
The Truman Tea Table Ladies
I am THIS close to
getting my seat.
I WILL murder you.
Yeah. I've already priced that
in.
KATZMAN
You promised three-thousand per
month
until the full thirty was paid
back.
Three months have passed.
You're making us this way
Bitterman.
BARRY
I'm going to get you the money!
KATZMAN
You think this is a game?
Dr. Willis doesn't play games
and I wouldn't know who
would've told you that he does.
You can't just jump
off a horse this time.
What's that supposed to mean?
KATZMAN
What's that supposed to--
I'm sending someone to see you.
[PHONE HANGS UP]
[in Spanish]
CARLOS
Mister Barry!
What?
[speaks Spanish]
Can we deal with this later at
some future juncture please?
[speaks Spanish]
Okay. That'll be all?
-Si.
Si!
Why don't you SI your way out!
BARRY
I just want to let you know
The horse is looking really good
Uh, the action is nice.
I think this is REALLY
going to turn out well!
Why do you seem surprised?
I'm not surprised, you just
never
know until you hit the gas
pedal.
Y'know, JP Goodman called me.
He called YOU?
Yeah. At home.
What'd he say?
He wanted to know what it
was like working with you?
And what'd you say?
I said it was fine!
I said it was wonderful.
"Wonderful"?
I said something positive like
that.
Alright screw him.
He doesn't know anything.
Yeah. That's what I said.
You said that to him?
To Leslie!
Y'know just--
These-a bunch-a--
Just forget these assholes!
We don't need them.
Alright. Okay.
You've been straight with me so
far.
I'll stay cool.
Everything's lined up real nice.
I got a guy in Spain who's
going to place the bet,
so that, all we need
now is the five gees.
Okay good!
H-How we gunna do this?
How are we going to....do what?
The guy is placing the bet
We need the five gees!
That's great.
Is this a quiz? Wha-
I don't understand
what's happening here.
Look!
I want to get this right.
Anything could go wrong.
Banks could close.
Something could happen.
i just want to get the money
over to him as quickly as I can.
Why are you acting like
there's a bee in your shirt?
Because I've got to get
the money over to him!
Wait, he doesn't have the money?
YOU have the money!
I don't have the money.
All the money I got in so far
I put towards a birthday
present for Leslie!
That was a really
selfish thing to do.
I thought we were a team!
LESLIE
What are you doing?
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
He's good!
This guy's funny!
This is going to be good.
You didn't tell me
he was so funny!
[PHONE RINGS]
PINKIE
What day is it?
I got the five gees. Where are
you two?
What DAY is it?
I know. I'm sorry.
You're making us this way.
Bitterman.
The guy with the money
was a TOTAL flake.
All the time, he's got
a hundred excuses
He's blaming everybody else.
I can't help that!
What's 24 hours?
One day past your promise.
I trust you'll find
our "Final Message"
It's dead.
I'm dead.
I'm dead!
CARLOS
Hello?
Carlos! Shh shh!
CARLOS
[speaks Spanish]
Acute! Acute moi?
Carlos! I have a horse
neuvo uno uno
situation!
You gotta get back here pronto!
Horse Emergencia!
How the hell did you get in
here?
['OREO EXPRESS' GRUNTS]
CARLOS
Mister Barry!
[in Spanish]
Can we deal with this later at
some future juncture please?
[in Spanish]
You said you were reasonable
people!
i TOLD you I had the money
and then-
[WHISPERS]
then you killed...
you shoot the god-damned horse?
And it's not even my hor-
SHUT UP!
AND LISTEN FOR A CHANGE!
IIII'M DOING THE TALKING!
It's not even my horse!
And the woman who owns the horse
She's terrifying!
Do you know what's going
to happen to me now?
DO YOU?
WOMAN
Why on EARTH are you ringing my
phone at this ungodly hour?
I am so sorry Ma'am.
WOMAN
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
I must've mis-dailed--
WOMAN
YOUNG MAN!
Ma'am, please don't yell at me.
ANNOUNCER
Alright! Here we go!
It's the first Big Race of the
season for these fillies!
Traveling six furlongs for a
purse
of fifty-four thousand dollars!
"Talk Veuve To Me" is the fav.
Second choice:
"Natascha Beauty" here at 2/1
"Some Like It Heart" shows up
again.
She's got this white
heart mark on her hip
so she's always wearing her
heart
on her sleeve, so to speak
Yet to win, she's going to be
your
longest shot without a doubt!
PHILIP
HEY BUDDY!
WHOA!
BARRY
Hey! C'mon!
Jesus!
PHILIP
Sorry! You're going to have a
stroke, calm down!
Not if you don't sneak up behind
me
and clamp my shoulders!
You could've been anybody!
I'm sorry! Jesus...
BARRY
Jesus Christmas!
I'm sorry.
I'm just-I'm a, uh, uh...
Oreo died last night.
I'm just shaken up by it.
LESLIE
Oh my god Barry. I'm so sorry!
It's okay. I'll be fine.
We'll win today in his honor
right?
LESLIE
I'm already so attached to Heart
I can't imagine losing her!
Alright, look:
Good luck in there.
Everything's going to be fine.
BARRY
I'll find you guys after the
race.
Bugboy's in charge.
BARRY
So, it should be fine.
I don't know where I'm going to
be.
BARRY
I'll find you guys later.
ANNOUNCER
#6 "Talk Veuve To Me"
going up for the Trumans
and trainer Colt Reynolds.
She's the heavy favorite
here at 3/5
ANNOUNCER
#6 "Talk Veuve To Me"
going up for the Trumans
and trainer Colt Reynolds.
She's the heavy favorite
here at 3/5
and has all the tools and talent
to get the job done today
This race appears to have her
name written all over it.
PHILIP
Oh hey, that looks like our
horse!
BARRY
This is "Oreo Express"
BARRY
He won me a lot of money
until he got lazy on me.
PHILIP
Good looking animal though.
BARRY
Exactly.
BARRY
They all look good.
BARRY
Nobody knows anything!
That's why the plan works!
Barry!
ROSALINA
Oh! Hello! Look at you!
ROSALINA
Got those rosy cheeks! You been
drinking that hooch, huh?
[LAUGHTER]
So you've come up here
to witness the lifestyle?
Oh! No, Ethel. We have a horse
running in the next race
actually.
Oh!
Oh...you don't say.
Yes.
Well as fate would have it
So do we!
[LAUGHS]
Wow!
So, uh, Roz
Looks like the stage is being
set
for a good old-fashioned throw
down
Yes! We're gonna THROW YOU DOWN!
Stomp on your FACE! Haha.
ANNOUNCER
Final call to wager!
PHILIP
Here you go!
What's wrong?
Where's Barry?
I'm sure he's hiding
somewhere like he said.
Why? What's going on?
Nothin'...
ANNOUNCER
They're standing in line!
[GATES BURST OPEN]
ANNOUNCER
They're off and it is on!
"Talk Veuve To Me" wanted
first call and she's got it!
up between horses:
"Hurricane Pine" and "Erikynn
Ace"
then "Netminder"
"Some Like It Heart" had a slow
beginning
She's next to last ahead
of "Natascha Beauty"
So the front three heads apart
into the far turn!
"Talk Veuve To Me" going up
widest of all against Erikynn
Ace
Along inside is "Hurricane Pine"
right there with them!
"Netminder" and "Aubrey's Penny"
She's begins to pick it up from
way
back following her is "Natascha
Beauty"
Rounding the turn it's
"Erikynn Ace" in front.
"Talk Veuve To Me" still
challenging
Following that is "Natascha
Beauty"
rounding that far turn
It's time to SHOW 'EM
if you GOT 'EMMM!
This is "Erikynn Ace" and
"Talk Veuve To Me"
They're 1-2!
Here comes "Some Like It Heart"
at a big number!
"Natascha Beauty" closing in!
Down to the final length!
"Some Like It Heart" went by!
LESLIE
Oh my god! Oh my god!
ANNOUNCER
"Talk Veuve To Me" not today!
"Some Like It Heart"! She looks
the crowd over with defiance!
It's going to be "Some Like It
Heart"
at 50/1 and that just happened!
PHILIP
Yes! Yes.
ANNOUNCER
It's like she just knew!
Today is the day for
"Some Like It Heart"!
and she's 50 to 1!
ETHEL
Well, well, well...
Congratulations, dear.
Thank you, Ethel.
It's was very close.
You certainly taught
us a thing or two.
Next time...
do it with YOUR horse.
I can keep a secret...
if you can.
ROSALINA
She's really great at keeping
secrets
PHILIP
I still haven't found Barry.
LESLIE
Bitterman screwed us.
I don't know HOW he did...
but he did.
This was supposed to be OUR day.
I am sick and tired of people
thinking they can walk all over
me.
It's going to stop!
BARRY
Hey Philip!
Oooh! Happy Birthday!
How we feelin'?
Feeling good! I'm already
spending
money in my head right now.
Everything's great.
We're thrilled.
That's great!
May I have a word with
you in private, please?
No. No. I'm done with this.
-Because you're going to
tell me some crazy shit.
And I'm going to have
to explain it to her.
She's going to yell at me.
Yes, you are.
-And I'm not doing it anymore,
okay?
So, if you've got something
to say: Say it to both of us.
May I have a word with BOTH
of you in private please..
BARRY
First of all, I feel it's
necessary
to remind everyone
we won fifty-four thousand
dollars today and SECONDLY:
We never had a signed contract.
Okay?
Uh, this was a handshake deal!
so you can't sue me if
anything ever happens
"Sue you"?
I never...
placed the bet with The Beard
Why not? What happened?
I panicked! I didn't want
to lose your money!
You said we had a chance to win
today!
This is all going to
actually work out great!
Okay? We got some money now!
We got the Jockey Club off our
back.
And now we can just start fresh!
LESLIE
Where's my horse Barry?
BARRY
That's, uh, uh...
BARRY
What?
BARRY
Oh. Okay...
What is that?
That's spray paint.
Spray paint!
BARRY
Spray paint.
Where was there spray paint?
On the horse's ass, mostly.
While you all are screwing
around
and arguing before a race
I place my hand on her heart and
say a quiet prayer for her
safety.
LESLIE
and today, it bled off into my
hand
So I'd like you to tell me
where my horse is...
or I'm going to get someone from
the Jockey Club to find it for
me.
Oooh, they're not going to find
it.
Excuse me?
BARRY
Your, your horse died two nights
ago.
PHILIP
Aww for fucks sake, Barry!
BARRY
I'm so sorry!
BARRY
I'm sorry!
When were you going
to tell us this?
BARRY
Well, I was going to run it by
him and see how he took it
before I ruined your birthday
but
HE BLEW IT!
So that's where we are now.
What horse won the race then?
That was Oreo!
The freeloader?
Today he ran like
Horse Carl Lewis!
How did our horse die?
Well, either by accident
or because of some very,
very angry business people
I didn't wait to find out!
I wanted to put the time
to figuring out
how to win the race
for your BIRTHDAY, I might add.
Alright, so then what's the
plan?
What do you mean?
When's the next race?
BARRY
You said you were reasonable
people!
I told you I had the money!
PINKIE
We didn't kill your horse
Bitterman
BARRY
What?
PINKIE
We THREATENED to break your
thumbs!
PINKIE
Pull yourself together.
PINKIE
You're so screwed up!
[ON PHONE]
Hey, it's Leslie
We'll be at the ranch
at 6:30 tomorrow
Yes, everything's fine.
See you then.
Oh, it's just you two!
I thought you were going to
bring some goons to
-beat me up or something
Everything's fine, Barry.
We're okay?
Yeah, of course.
Oh man! Because uh...
Uh, I just also-
I wanted to let you know:
That your horse:
-It was a heart attack.
And it wasn't those, those
horrible
people who were ransacking my
ranch
And...
-I gotta tell you:
-I have just felt
HORRIBLE about this.
Since I found her.
I dunno what to say.
I feel terrible.
I appreciate that, Barry.
Thank you for telling me.
BARRY
Also, I wanted to let you know:
That I had insured Oreo for
a silly amount of money.
Back in her prime.
And since the two
horses look so similiar
I figured go ahead
and FILE the claim
-with YOUR horse
Pretty soon we're going to be
all
seeing a little bit of mailbox
money!
Whose idea was that?
What do you mean 'whose idea'?
It was MY idea.
Well, I didn't know
anything about that!
How could you?
I just told you right now.
-Hey look! The settlement's
going
to be for mid six figures, okay?
I'm going to cut you in for 40%.
I figured I, I should get
the bigger cut since I...
came up with the plan
and took all the risk!
Okay we should be focusing
on the race tomorrow
Yeah, it's going to be hard to
finish last now, right?
LESLIE
What do you mean?
-What do I mean?
We're going to start to run Oreo
at the back of the pack
Gotta get the handicap down so
we can get the money back up!
LESLIE
Why would we do that?
BARRY
I don't understand!
We're Playing Possum!
This is what we do!
Get the money--
What is the matter--
Are you guys just shooting
all my ideas down today?
I mean:
When am I going to get some
credit for
being the brains of this
operation?
You know what Barry?
-Let's start now.
What's going on?
JP GOODMAN
Bailing Barry.
I think I've heard enough!
BARRY
HEY!
Get your hands off me!
COME ON GUYS
This is not right!
You'll hear from my SOMEBODY!
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
ZACHARY
Phil-lip!
Speaking?
Zachary Rothschild. Truman
campaign.
You got time for a little ear
beating over some business?
I get nervous as FUCK
at these things.
Really?
Really!
Uh, yeah, of course.
How are you?
Congrats on the win.
Ethel SURE was pissed.
[LAUGHTER]
ZACHARY
So, now, look
I've got a good news/bad news
type deal here
Sinning is expensive but your
wife's got a few new friends
willing to foot the bill.
Tidy up this little mess you're
in.
Now, the Bad News is
Well if you consider it bad
compared to trail or jail, I
guess
Right.
ZACHARY
You prize money and horses
will be forfeited for your win
and your racing career has been
permenantly retired by
Mr. JP Goodman himself.
ANNOUNCER
Coming up tonight on
Maximum Exposure!
REPORTER
What's a Fiddling Horse?
Barry?
What's a Fiddling Horse?
ZACHARY
Well I like you Philip.
You're a sharp guy
and I know your company's been
in the shitter the last while
and
do you know...why that is?
Not specifically no.
-Because you need a team that
can
recognize one another in the
dark.
And I believe in you!
So I've got 2, 3 other
brothers of mine
to make an investment
in the Ainsworth brand!
INTERVIEWER
So what did you think of
the Bitterman scandal?
COLT
[sighs] Which one?
Are we chronological?
Or do you want me to take
you a walk through history?
ZACHARY
Now, we'll have to meet
and see what's what
before any checks get cashed
but we want to...
make sure everyone in
our family is flush!
Want to make sure those
donation checks keep, uh...
keep back this way. [LAUGHS]
But all jokes aside here, Phil-
We're about two months out so
it's best to start thinking
about
what level contribution
you can make, y'know?
Help put us all get
over the finish line.
Strength and beauty ain't
free...
Okay! Just so you know:
I commissioned this BEFORE
we became criminals, so
Happy Birthday!
Hope you like it.
I love it.
Okay.
I have to say it
IS pretty impressive.
LESLIE
Horse ain't bad either...