The Facts of Life (1960) - full transcript

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Do you have your baggage check, dear?
- Yeah, right here, dear.

Come on.

Have a seat, dear. I'll be right back.

Am I really doing this?

Me, Kitty Weaver, Pasadena housewife,
secretary of the PTA,

Den Mother for the Cub Scouts?

Have I really come to Monterey
to spend a weekend

with the husband of my best friend?

Such are the facts of life

You want to know the facts of life



I'm gonna teach the facts of life to you

Now, concerning the birds and bees

Inhabiting all those trees

Establishing families

Up with each daisy, singing like crazy

Storin' up honey
Savin' their money, yeah

Those are the facts of life

Oh, yeah

The ordinary acts of life

Uh-huh

That every living creature seems to do

So stay after school tonight

'Cause I want to study with all my might

The beautiful facts of life with you



Those are the facts of life

The ordinary acts of life

That every living creature seems to do

So stay after school tonight

I'll stay, 'cause I want to study
with all my might

The beautiful facts of life

The ever-lovin'acts of life

The beautiful facts of life

with you

Well, we're in it, I guess,
head over heels.

"But how?"I keep asking myself.
"How could this have happened?"

And all in a short two months.

That's when it started,
just two months ago.

It was the Halloween dance at the club,

the usual fall dance with the usual prizes
for the usual tournament,

and as usual, the prizes were handed out
by the usual master of ceremonies,

with his oh-so-usual jokes, Larry Gilbert.

Yes, sir, here he is, folks,
the runner-up for the fifth flight,

that fugitive from the fairways,
our favorite dentist, Doctor Busbee.

- Please.
- Oh, thank you.

And I want to tell you,
Doc plays like a dentist, too.

Every time he gets on the green,
he strokes the ball towards the hole

and says, "Open a little wider, please."

- Oh, Larry.
- He's one of our great members.

He had 76 today.
I know. I counted the olive pits.

I was bored, bored with the jokes,
even bored with the idea

that we were leaving next morning
for Acapulco,

the six of us who always
take our vacations together.

There was Doc Mason,
everybody's friendly family physician.

He knew every incision in the group.

And Connie, Doc's wife.
Connie's the lusty type.

No problems for Connie.

There was Mary Gilbert,
Larry's wife, wonderful girl,

practical, sensible,
no nonsense about Mary.

And I was there, sans husband.

As usual, my problem child was down
in the locker room shooting craps,

and as usual, losing.

Here you are, Doc. Congratulations.

- Thank you, Larry, and bless your heart.
- That's all right.

I love to play with Doc, although I'd rather
play with his wife, Myrtle.

Plays nice golf.
She's not so good with the irons,

but, oh, the woods.

I didn't qualify very well
for the tournament.

I was out of bounds five times,

three on the front nine,
and twice in the ladies' locker room.

Would you like to leave a call?

Anyway, these two Hollywood stars
were out on the golf course

and they were watching this guy tee off,
and the one gal said,

"Your husband swings much better
since he got that new stance."

And the other gal said,
"No, that's not a new stance..."

That's a new husband.

"That's a..."

I'm sorry.

Your vodka gimlets are showing.

Vodka, that's an alcohol rub
from the inside.

The six of us left early

in the same kind of cars,
to the same kind of homes,

with the same kind of mortgages
and the same kind of arguments,

but I guess that happens after 15 years
of the same kind of marriage.

How much?

- Not much.
- How much?

Not much, small game.

- Actually, we had a lot of laughs...
- How much worth of laughs?

Peanuts.

The total amount,
salt, bags, shells, everything.

A couple of hundred.

You're not well. You know that?
You are a very sick man.

- Honey!
- It's a disease. You need help.

Come on.

Some kind of an organization, like
Crapshooters Anonymous, or something.

Oh, baby, can't we forget it?

Tomorrow this time, we'll be in Acapulco,

and we need it, honey,
really, we need some time together.

Yes, we do.

Just the two of us,
in a cozy little tropical hideaway.

That's the idea.

No one there
except our entire neighborhood.

Whatever happened to the Family Plan?

Well, it's gonna be just the six of us.

It's always just the six of us.
It's like going away to camp.

Honey, now, you know
you're crazy about Connie and Doc.

Yes, I am, and I like Mary, too,

but six days of old Laughing Boy's
enforced cheerfulness...

- Larry?
- Yes, Larry.

Oh, Larry's all right.
He wouldn't harm a fly.

Unless he bored it to death.

Wowie! Are you in a mood tonight.

How do you like that?

I hope Mother remembers
Bobbie's violin lesson.

A dame like that hecklin' me.

And Tommy's dentist appointment.

What dame, dear?

- Your big-mouthed friend.
- Kitty?

Yeah, Kitty, your buddy,
wise-cracking Nellie,

Milton Berle in bloomers.

Oh, Kitty's all right.

Believe me, she has problems of her own.

Like an acute inability
to keep her big mouth shut.

Especially in the middle
of my biggest joke.

Well, let's be fair, dear.
You could do with some new material.

Yeah?

Well, if I'm so bad,
how come the committee always asks me

to serve as master of ceremonies?

Because you're the head
of the committee,

and so terribly available,

and so terribly cute.

Cute! I haven't been cute since I was four.

Fine vacation this is gonna be.

What kills me is
that I wouldn't spend $18 for a new girdle

the other day
because I thought it was too extravagant.

What do you need a new girdle for,
with a figure like yours?

If you'd look a little more often,
you wouldn't ask such a stupid question.

- I look plenty.
- I mean, at home.

Oh. Look, honey,

I'm turning over a new leaf.

- Oh, you've said that before.
- No, no! I mean it.

I'm a new man, I promise you.

You've promised before,

and the only promises you ever keep
are to your bookmaker.

Now, look, honey,
I really mean it this time.

The dice, the track, the card games,
the ball games, everything, all through.

Kitty, please say you believe me.

Well, I'm an idiot, but I do.

You know, they say the best time
to start a vacation is the night before.

They do?

Mmm-hmm.

Well, if that's what they say...

Fine time for this to happen.
How about this?

If I told that kid once,
I told him a thousand times,

"Leave my things alone."

A $75 reel ruined.

I won't need to take an evening gown.

I wish that kid would play with
something of his own.

Cocktail dress will do it.
Something nice and summery.

Looks like he was trying to gift-wrap it.

And some sweaters and skirts
and playsuits. That ought to do it, huh?

A lot you care.

A lot I care about what, dear?

That a 10-year-old kid goes around
ruining his father's fishing equipment

that cost $75 wholesale.

Aren't we a little bundle
of nerves tonight?

I wouldn't talk.

Well, if I'm a little nervy,
it's just that I'm a bit concerned

about leaving Mother with the children.

You've got nothing to worry about.
I hid the liquor.

- No, I'm serious. Mother's getting on.
- She sure is.

She's getting on your nerves.
She's getting on mine.

- That's not very funny.
- Neither is your mother.

Well, who are you not to like my mother?

Who do you have to be
not to like your mother?

- Oh, you really need this vacation.
- I wouldn't talk!

I wish you'd find some other comment
than, "I wouldn't talk," and if you did,

I wish you wouldn't say it
with your mouth full of toothpaste.

And I wish you wouldn't mention it
every night.

- Well, you do it every night.
- And you mention it every night.

Well, only because you do it every night.

We've been married for 15 years

and except for our honeymoon,
that makes 365 days each year times 15.

That's 7,687 times that you've said,

"I wouldn't talk,"
with your mouth full of toothpaste

and then you ask me not to mention it.

After all, I've been as patient as I can be.

That's a small thing, I know,
but it's little things like this...

And as long as you're getting personal,

I think you could do with
a little less cream on your face.

- What?
- Cold cream, vanishing cream, skin cream.

One of these nights,
you're gonna slide right out of bed.

Oh, don't change the subject.

When it comes to being irritable,
it's getting so

that when you come home at night,
I have to hide the children.

- Yeah, with my luck, I keep finding them.
- Oh, Larry.

If I'm irritable at the end of the day,
I've got very good reason.

I'm sure you have.

How'd you like to spend your life
writing advertising copy

for Mother Showalter's pickles?

The greatest boon to mankind
since inside plumbing.

I know it isn't easy, dear.

How many slogans can you write
about a kindly old lady on a pickle jar?

Kindly old lady, she looks like
Nikita Khrushchev with a wig!

You can't tell her from the pickles.

- But don't you see, dear?
- And let me tell you something.

That's a fast track out there.

What do you think I do every day?
Leave the house all dressed up

in my negotiating blues
and have a few high-level conferences

with fat clients in pinstriped suits?

Well, that's just the reason
you need a nice, lovely rest

away from everything, even the children.

Yeah, but why can't we go alone?
Why is it always the six of us?

I want a vacation, not group therapy.

Darling, I'd love to go away
with you alone,

but this is the only way we can afford it,
by sharing expenses.

It's sensible, practical and economical.

- Honey, will you promise me something?
- What?

That once, just once,
before we're too old to enjoy it,

let's do something that's not practical,
sensible and economical.

Like, for instance, now?

Oh, Larry, it's late.

I've got to make up the children's schedule
and finish packing.

You know, you really are a little boy,
now, aren't you?

Yeah, and you're not helping me
get any older.

Oh, Larry...

Come in.

Miss Gilbert, it's Bobbie.
He's got a temperature and a sore throat.

It's only 101,
but I thought you'd better look in on him.

Nothing serious, Mary.
Little virus going around.

I'm staying home.

Oh, that's ridiculous.
Tell her, Doc, it's nothing.

That's right, Mary, a couple days of fever
and he'll be fine.

- Then I'll be down in a couple of days.
- Well, if you're staying, I'm staying.

Oh, now, don't be silly.
You need this vacation.

- But, Mary, I can't enjoy myself...
- I said I'd be down in a couple of days.

Well, your mother's coming over.
Why can't she take care of him?

If you were flat on your back
with a fever of 102,

would you like to be left alone here
with my mother?

Come down in a couple of days.

- See you at the airport.
- Okay, Doc.

Sentimental departures were not
one of my son Steve's strong points.

If he gritted his teeth,
he could barely kiss Mom goodbye,

while, of course, with Dad,
it was just a manly handshake

and a wish for good fishing.

And 13-year-old Joannie

was at that stage of growing up

where Mother was just another
competing female.

Goodbye to Mom was a wave of the hand,

while Daddy got a warm kiss
and a big hug.

In other words,
they were both on schedule,

and both doing fine.

Hello?

Hello?

Oh, just a moment.
It's for you, dear, long distance.

Hello? Oh, hello, Mr. Robinson.

What?

San Francisco?

What happened?

Yes, I know, but I...

Yes, sir.

Well, I'm glad
that Johnny's going to be all right.

All right.

Goodbye.

Robinson's kid overturned
in a car last night.

He's up there in a hospital,
nothing serious,

but I've got to wait here
till the old man gets back!

Oh, Jack.

Well, if you're not going to go,
I'm not going to go.

- Don't be silly!
- No.

Now, you go down there with the bunch

and I'll try to be there
by Wednesday or Thursday.

Now, Jack, you know I don't want to go
if you're not going.

Nonsense, now, you'd better hurry
and get the plane. I'll go and get the car.

I hated the idea
of going off without Jack,

and I guess Laughing Boy
felt the same about Mary.

We tried a little small talk, and believe me,

small talk between us
was the smallest there is.

Three-hour trip.

Yeah.

Fast plane.

Mmm-hmm.

- Comfortable?
- Oh, yeah.

Read?

No.

Guess I will.

Hmm.

Well, it's been a ball talking to you.

- What's that for?
- Painting.

- Who paints?
- I do.

- You do?
- Sure.

- You're kidding.
- I am not.

You, a painter?

Well, what do you want me to do,
cut off my ear?

- No, it's just that I never...
- It's just a hobby. I do it to relax.

I figure it's easier than hitting the kids,
and almost as much fun.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

It's amazing.

You think you know people all your life,

and yet you never really get to know
the little things about them, do you?

Not if you're lucky.

Acapulco was just as beautiful
as everyone had said.

Our hotel was high on a cliff,

and that evening we had dinner
on a lovely moonlit terrace

overlooking the sea.

Doc cautioned Larry and me
about overeating,

but he and Connie ate everything in sight.

They were the only ones
who had taken the shots,

so they felt sure that
whatever it is you get down there,

they weren't going to get it.

The next morning, we were up at dawn.

Larry, always the master of ceremonies,
had chartered a fishing boat

and was personally seeing to it
that we didn't keep the marlin waiting.

Hey, Doc, come on, it's almost...
What's the matter?

- We've got it.
- You've got what?

Don't ask and don't get it.

- Yeah, but the boat, it's all...
- You and Kitty go on alone.

- Oh, but...
- You'll have to excuse me.

Yeah, but how about breakfast?
Can I send you some eggs, or...

Please.

- What's wrong?
- Doc and Connie, they got it.

- Oh. Can we help?
- No, they got all they can handle.

- Well, what do we do?
- Well, let's go anyway.

You mean, you'd go out there with me,
just the two of us?

Might as well, the boat's paid for.

That's what I like about you.
You make me feel so wanted.

- Hey, you know something?
- What?

You look like a 12-year-old kid,

like you just fell off the cover
of the Saturday Evening Post.

At 6:00 in the morning,

don't give me compliments,
give me coffee.

On the boat. Come on.

Nothing, nothing in this world
ever tasted so good.

You're so right.

What a morning! This air, that sky.

Yeah, and all those fish down there,
hissing at us.

Let's make a pact.

No jokes. You don't tell them,
and I don't have to pretend they're funny.

- The strain may kill both of us.
- Let's risk it.

- Deal?
- Deal.

Boy, isn't this great?
I haven't felt this good since I was a kid.

Funny, I never think of you as a kid.

Where'd you grow up, back east?

Nope. Native. Los Angeles.
Selma Street School.

Fairmont High. After that, I...

- You're kidding!
- Why am I kidding?

I went to Fairmont High.

Well, how about that?

Remember Miss Hammersmith?

Agatha Leonora Hammersmith,
old wall-to-wall chin?

- That's the one.
- What a loser.

- She was my homeroom teacher.
- Mine, too.

Isn't that amazing?

What? That I went to high school?

No, that we both had
the same homeroom teacher.

Oh, I don't know, in these days
of hydrogen bombs and guided missiles,

you'd be surprised how seldom
you walk up to a person and say,

"Pardon me,
but who was your homeroom teacher?"

It's still amazing that we never knew.

- I probably got out a little before you.
- Oh, a long time.

Well, I didn't exactly graduate
in the same class

with Francis X. Bushman.
How old are you?

Five years younger than you.
How old are you?

Let's forget it.

Gee, those were the days.

Those Friday afternoon football games.

- Remember the fight song?
- Remember it? I wrote it.

- You wrote it?
- The words, that is.

"F" stands for far-fame Fairmont

"A" for her aim so high

"l" for her independence

"R" for her real rough line, go Fairmont!

"M" for her many heroes

"O" for her open heart

"N" 'cause her name's great
"T" 'cause her teams rate

Go, go, go, go Fairmont High!

"N" 'cause her name's great
"T" 'cause her teams rate

Go, go, go, go Fairmont High!

You really wrote that?

Well, let's not lose our heads.
It's not exactly My Fair Lady.

Oh, how I used to love those games.

I remember in my senior year,
I made cheerleader...

Oh, I want to tell you! What have I got?

What's that? What have I got?

- What is it? What have I got?
- Look out!

- It's a strike!
- What?

- A strike, do something.
- What do I do?

Well, it's easy, now you just...
All you do is...

- Hey, Carlos, what does she do?
- Well, she's got to wait, senor.

- Wait for what?
- For the marlin will hit the bait.

- It already hit the bait!
- But then the bait will sink!

Now, don't be nervous.
It's just like any other fish.

Now! Now, pull, pull back hard!

I can't hold it!

- Now.
- I can't!

I can't, Larry. I'll lose him! Help me!

Oh, all right. Okay.

Larry, look!

How are we gonna get that in the can?

Save your strength,
this could take a long time.

- How long?
- Can't tell. Could be two or three hours.

Three hours for one fish?

I delivered a whole baby
in an hour and a half.

Yeah, but he wasn't skidding across
the water on his tail.

Please.

Keep your eye on the fish!

You're doing fine.
Just stay in there. You look good!

- I can't!
- Give him a little, but keep firm!

Oh, I can't hold on any longer!
My arms are killing me!

- My arms are gonna fall off!
- Concentrate! Don't talk so much!

All right, all right,
it's only a fish, you know!

Well, play him, play him!

It's easy for you to talk, you sit there

- and give me orders.
- Look out!

Pull him in! You want him to get away?

My arms are like lead. Help me!

- There. I think this baby's had it.
- Well, I know this baby has.

Hold him, Larry! Hold him!

It's a monster, an absolute monster!

- Hold the pole up!
- Okay, I am.

- Is that a beauty?
- Oh, do you think they'll lose it?

- Watch it, boys.
- Do you think we can get it in the boat?

Watch those gaffs!

Look.

Oh, Larry, we did it! He's ours!

I guess we'd better go in.

See about Doc and Connie.

Yeah.

I guess we'd better.

Doc! Doc?

- We caught one! A marlin big as a house!
- 150 pounds!

- Say, how're you feeling?
- Miserable, but that's an improvement.

Well, what about dinner?

- No, no thanks.
- Well, could we send something over?

- Some soup?
- A cup a tea?

How about some custard?

Please...

- Well, I'm kind of beat.
- Yeah, me, too.

I...

I think I'll have some dinner
sent over to my room.

Yeah, I guess I will, too.

Thanks for a wonderful day.

- See you in the morning?
- Right.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Would you ring Mrs. Weaver's
room, please?

- Hello?
Hello.

Hey, isn't this kind of silly?

I mean, when two people
with the same homeroom teacher

catch their first marlin together,

the least they can do is drink to the marlin
and their homeroom teacher

or coeducation or the end of prohibition

or Dean Martin.

Something.

I think we owe it to Miss Hammersmith.

Meet you in the bar in a half-hour. Yeah.

Hey, one more.

Si, senor.

- Hi.
- My, you are a big girl, aren't you?

- Hope you don't mind.
- Mind? I'm counting on it.

Vermouth con hielo.

Mucho kick-o.

Si, senor.

- I feel wonderful.
- So do I.

You look wonderful, too.

- Do I?
- Real great.

I just wish Mary and Jack were here.

Yeah, me, too.

Well, to our marlin.

To our marlin.

You know, it's kind of sad.

When the other fish go upstream
this year to spawn,

he won't be with them.

Salmon go upstream to spawn,
marlin make other arrangements.

I'll drink to that. To our marlin.

What are we going to call him?

Well, he looked a little like an uncle
of mine named Claude.

Well, if it's good enough for your uncle,
it's good enough for our marlin.

- He was strong, he was brave.
- He was a credit to his people.

Which is more than I can say
for Uncle Claude.

What would happen
if I asked you for a dance?

I'd be inclined to chance it
if you kept your distance.

I'll watch it.

Our waiter seems to think
that we should be eating dinner.

Silly man.

I've had a wonderful day.

I hate to see it end.

Look at that.

Ten years ago,
I would've been in my suit by now,

and down there for a moonlight swim.

Me, too.

Crazy, isn't it? People our age
talking about moonlight swims.

Ridiculous.

Probably catch our death of cold.

Sore throats, sinus headaches.

- Pleurisy, goose pimples.
- The whole bit.

I'll be ready in five minutes.

You bring the towels.
I'll get the penicillin.

- Oh, I'm freezing!
- Well, here, cover up.

- I can't get into this thing.
- Here.

- Oh, Larry, we shouldn't.
- I know.

Oh, Larry...

- Oh, gesundheit!
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Here.

- Bless you.
- Thank you.

Hey, what you need
is a good stiff shot of bourbon.

I've got a bottle in my bag.
I'll bring it over to your bungalow.

Oh, thanks.

Don't you think maybe you should
send it over with a bellboy?

I don't know. That could be dangerous.

Sure, it might be catching.

You wouldn't want to give
an innocent bellboy a cold, would you?

No, I certainly wouldn't.

- You'd better hurry.
- I'm sorry.

Would you please ring Mr...

Never mind.

- Oh.
- Mr. Gilbert say this is for you.

Oh, thank you.

Tell Mr. Gilbert
I said, "Thank you very much."

I no speak very good English.

Oh, well, tell Mr. Gilbert
I said, "Muchas gracias."

I no speak very good Spanish either.
I'm a Greek.

Oh, well...

Just wave at him as you go by. Thank you.

The next day was even
more beautiful than the first.

Carlos developed engine trouble,
so fishing was out,

and Larry and I spent
the day like real turistas.

We shopped in all the funny little shops,

tried on the funny hats,

took a ride in a donkey cart,

had dinner on the patio,

and danced till midnight.

And when this lovely, lovely day
finally came to an end,

and it was time to say good night,

I guess we both thought
we'd better play it safe,

so it was just a friendly handshake.

However, a little later that night...

Hello?

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, hi.

- How are you?
- Can't sleep.

- Me, either.
- I'm starved.

Me, too.

What's your opinion
of eating late at night?

It's suicide.

- Ever do it?
- Only late at night.

Got any connections in the kitchen?

- Just happen to.
- Well?

Set the table for two.

- Right.
- Right.

Three, four, five, six, seven... Three more.

One, two, three. That's it.

Oh, the heck with it.

Thanks.

Ah, yes.

- Hey, gin!
- You're kidding!

- How do you like that?
- Oh, no, I don't believe it.

There's not much point in pretending
it hasn't happened, is there?

What are we gonna do?

We're going to forget about it.

Yeah, but tomorrow.

Tomorrow, let's forget about it.

Tomorrow might be too late.

Yeah. I guess so.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Heaven knows
we didn't plan it that way,

but it all happened just as if we had.

Both Jack and Mary called to say
they couldn't get down at all.

Poor Doc and Connie
remained under the weather,

and Larry and I were left alone.

Alone to be in love, comfortably,
wonderfully, happily in love,

and loving every moment of it.

We were relaxed
and easy with each other.

I read, he painted

and even occasionally
wanted my critical judgment.

We swam and had wonderful
picnic lunches on the beach

and we talked endlessly

about everything,
even the problems of raising children.

Are you terribly close with your kids?

As close as any father
in the electronic age.

I'm only permitted to talk
during the commercials.

What about the intimate stuff?
How do you handle that?

Well, Bobbie's too young, but last year
I told Tommy the facts of life.

- All of them?
- All the ones I know.

- What did he say?
- He just looked at me and said,

"That's very nice, Daddy,
but I'm not interested.

"You see, I'm going in
the real estate business."

How about that?

And then suddenly, it was over.

It was time to go home, and I think
we both dreaded that moment

that would be our last together
in Acapulco.

I usually don't have much trouble saying
what I mean or feel, but...

You don't have to say anything.
I know how you feel.

Do you?

Do you feel the same thing?

Yes.

Thanks.

It's been a lovely dream and now it's over.

All over.

But it was so beautiful.

I guess we're both intelligent enough
to realize that it was this place,

and being thrown together like this that...

Of course.

It couldn't happen
in a million years back home.

Never.

But it was so beautiful.

But now, we'll just have to forget it.

Go back where we belong.

Yeah, back to Pasadena, and the PTA,
and the Cub Scouts.

- Back to Showalter's pickles.
- Yeah.

But I'll remember this week
for a long time.

Me, too.

I'll remember it every time I

hear soft music, or see the ocean...

Or eat a tamale.

And we have those every Saturday night.

- Kitty...
- No, Larry, it's over.

I think I'd better go to my room.

Oh, Mom!

Don't reach!
If you want something, ask for it.

Mommy, can I sleep over
at Sandy's on Friday?

- Nope.
- Why not?

Because you can't, that's why.

- But why can't I?
- Good morning, dependents.

- Oh, hi, Dad.
- Good morning, dear.

- There you are.
- Hi, Dad.

Thought I'd forgot, huh?

- Gee, Dad, thanks.
- Presents!

All the way from Acapulco, isn't that nice?

- What are they?
- Huaraches, real Mexican shoes.

Didn't they have any footballs?

How much did they cost?

I hope you didn't get hooked.

You know, they sell them on Olvera Street
for a buck a pair.

Where have we failed?

Tommy, when you get a gift,
you don't ask what it costs.

Hey, I wish you could have seen
this fish we caught.

- It must have been 150 pounds.
- That big?

Big? It was a whopper.

Then how about Sandy sleeping over here
on Friday?

It took almost three hours...

- No!
- Why not?

- Because he can't.
- But why?

Larry, will you please tell him?

- Tell him what?
- That he can't sleep over?

- You can't sleep over.
- Not me, Sandy.

- Not him, Sandy.
- Neither can Sandy.

Neither can Sandy.

- Why not?
- Why not?

Because I said so, that's why not!

You hear that?
Supreme Court says no, that's why not!

Say, this fish stood on its tail.
It must have been six feet long...

- Mom, my note!
- And it...

- And it skidded across the water...
- What note?

- To get out of gym.
- Fish...

What for?

I told you,
to try out for the skin-diving club.

And I told you, you're too young!

Oh, Mom!

Larry, will you please tell him?

- Tell him what?
- He's too young.

- You're too young.
- Aw, gee.

Dear, you'd have loved it down there.
The nights were like velvet...

Oh, I'm sure I would.

Oh, boys, it's 8:40. We're late!

Chin up, darling. Be less hectic.

- See ya, Dad.
- Bye, Dad.

Bye.

Good morning, Mr. Gilbert.
Welcome home.

- Good morning, Gussie.
- How was the vacation?

Oh, wonderful! We caught this big fish.
It must've weighed 150 pounds.

- And when you saw that thing...
- Some other time, Mr. Gilbert.

Some other time. The cleaning man's here.

Hi, Mr. Gilbert. How's the fishing?

Sensational!
Caught a marlin, 150 pounds.

Really? Guy on my block caught one 170.

- Yeah, well...
- Oh, say, Mr. Gilbert,

about that blue sport shirt of yours,
it faded a little last time.

- You want it dyed?
- Fine, fine.

- What color?
- Surprise me.

Gee, I'm so sorry you had
to miss Acapulco, Jack.

It was so beautiful.

Hmm.

The hotel was on this high cliff,
fabulous view!

Hmm.

Larry and I spent quite a lot
of time together.

You see, Doc and Connie got the bug.

Hmm.

And so Larry and I had to fish alone.

We caught this enormous fish.

Hmm.

We were together for six days.

Hmm.

Alone, together, just the two of us.

Hmm.

And we fell in love, madly in love.
We had this wild, raving love affair.

It was the most beautiful thing
that ever happened to me in my whole life.

Did you hear what I said?

What kind of fish did you say it was?

Marlin.

No kidding? Big?

Big enough.

Well, that's great.

Say, how was it being with
old Larry all that time?

Dullsville?

Very.

Well, don't you worry a bit.

Old Dad will make it up to you.

Honey, call you later.

Mrs. Weaver,
the cleaner would like to see you.

Good morning, Mrs. Weaver.

Yesterday, Mr. Weaver gave me
some clothes he wore up in Frisco.

I found these track tickets,
500 bucks worth.

Who knows?
There might be a winner there.

Thank you. I'll tell Mr. Weaver.

- Goodbye, Mrs. Weaver.
- Goodbye.

Hi.

Oh, hi.

I was just out to lunch.

I was just getting Joannie some ski wax.

It doesn't take long to get back, does it?

No, it doesn't.

Well, I'll be seeing you.

If we could have just said goodbye,
and never seen each other again,

it might have been easy.

But no, no such luck.

Not for us.

Weekly bridge games
at each other's homes.

Winter concerts at the Philharmonic.

Season tickets to the Rams.

Weeks of being constantly
thrown together,

and never being given a chance to forget.

And then came the night
of Doc and Connie's surprise party

for us at the club.

They'd had Claude stuffed
and presented him

to Larry and me as a present.

They wanted a speech, so Larry
just said thank you for both of us.

And then the music started
and everyone got up to dance,

and we were left alone.

Poor Claude.

He was so beautiful.

I kind of hate sharing him like this.

I know.

Would you like to dance?

It's no good. I can't go on like this.

Oh, Larry, please.

I've got to see you.

Please, let's just dance.

It's not over, is it?

Shh...

Well, is it?

No, it isn't.

- Let's not be noble about it.
- We've got to.

I don't know how it's gonna work,
but we've got to see each other.

- This is no place to talk about it.
- We'll meet somewhere.

- We can't.
- Just to talk?

But when?

- How about tomorrow, lunch?
- Can't. PTA luncheon.

- Get out of the PTA.
- It's at my house.

- How about Wednesday?
- My day at the hospital.

Thursday. Thursday, Jack plays poker.

Oh, Larry, do you think we ought to?

I'll call you Thursday morning.

What if my mother's there?

You'd better call me.

Where?

- At the office.
- When?

- 10:00.
- 10:00?

- Yeah. And use another name.
- Like what?

Anything. Pick one out of the phone book.

Well, how about Sally?

- No, a last name.
- Oh, Jones.

Good, good, good.

- Kitty Jones.
- Yeah, good.

No, no, a first name and a last name.
You know, like Mamie Eisenhower.

Oh, we couldn't use that!

- No, that's just an example.
- Oh.

Just say you're Miss Swift.

- Miss Swift from the community chest.
- Okay, Miss Chest.

Yeah. No, Miss Swift.

- Miss Swift.
- Yeah.

- 10:00.
- 10:00.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

There's ample evidence of readership,
listenership and sales acceptance-ship

on the neighborhood level. However, I...

Excuse me.

Hello?

Hello? Yes.

Yes, he's here,
but he's tied up at the moment.

Who's calling, please?

Oh, it's for you, Larry.
Miss Swift, of the community chest.

Oh, fine, I'll take it in my office.

Will you take it here, please?
We're pressed for time.

Well, well, sure. Sure, I'll...

Hello? Yeah.

Oh, how are you, Miss Swift?
How's your chest?

I mean, your community?
Community chest.

What's the matter? Are you alone?

Well, as a matter of fact, no.

Can you talk?

Well, as a matter of fact, yes.

Well, is everything all right?

I mean, about tonight?

Yes, I find I will be able
to attend the meeting.

9:00, wasn't it?

Yes, but where?

I believe it was at
the Arroyo Public Library, right?

- You mean, in front?
- Yes, indeed.

All right, I'll be there.

Any time, always glad to help out.

Mmm-hmm.

- I'm sorry.
- That's perfectly all right.

That's the kind of work
I like my men to get into.

Good public relations.

Now, to get back
to this Showalter account...

Larry!
- Hmm?

Larry, what's keeping you?

- Keeping me?
- Oh, my, aren't we spruced up?

Yeah, well, you see,
I have to go to this meeting.

Yeah, I know all about the meeting.
We discussed it this morning.

- We did?
- At breakfast.

I admit, you seemed to have
something else on your mind,

but we did, and you're late.

- Bobbie's been waiting five minutes.
- Bobbie?

It's your night to be Chief.

What are you talking about?

YMCA Indian Guides.
This is the bi-monthly meeting.

Indian Guides? But I have to go
to a community chest meeting.

- Tonight?
- Yes, tonight.

Oh, you can't do that to Bobbie,
you'd break his heart.

What time is
the community chest meeting?

Well, I've got to be there by 9:00.

Oh, well, it's only 7:00.
You can make them both.

- No, but I can't. I...
- Oh, yes, you can.

Every boy wants his father to be Chief,

and you're just not going
to disappoint Bobbie.

Oh, all right.

Oh, you forgot your feather.

Good luck, Chief.
What's your name again?

Big White Buffalo.

All right, we now come to the election
of the new wampum collector,

but since Big Brave Eagle
did such a good job last month,

I propose we elect him again this month.

- Wait a minute!
- Now all in favor say, "How."

How!
- Opposed?

- I am.
- The "hows" have it.

Now if someone will move
for an adjournment...

- But, Big White Buffalo...
- Yes, Little Gray Squirrel?

- This is the night I'm to give my report.
- Report?

On smoke signals,
their origins and meanings.

Yeah, well, it's a little late.
You know, we all...

- Big White Buffalo.
- Yes, Big Gray Squirrel?

Little Gray Squirrel worked on that report
three hours every night for many moons.

- Yeah, but we...
- And Little Gray Squirrel's

- going to read that report.
- Some...

Isn't that right, Big White Buffalo?

Yeah, well, we're dying to hear it.

Go ahead, Little Gray Squirrel.
Smoke signals.

Smoke signals.

The smoke signal was the lifeline
of the American Indian.

While it is ritualistic in the concept,

it nonetheless found its utility
in many practical ways...

- I agree.
...and became the means

of communication
between tribes and families.

That's very interesting,
Little Gray Squirrel, we'll just...

The Mohawk Indians
first used smoke signals

against the white man,
although the Choctaws,

Seminoles and Cherokees
were soon to follow.

Sure, I remember...

The Apaches were the first
to use tribal signals,

although this was soon done by
the Paiute, the Yakimas, the Onondaga...

...the Cayuga, the Navajos,
the Agua Calientes,

the Tusquero, the Zumis...

How many more tribes are there?

Plenty. The Blackfeet, the Hopi,
the Dakota,

the Ojibway, the Algonquin,
the Ottawa, the Iroquois,

the Pima, the Oneida,
the Cayuga, the Tusquera,

the Huron, the Eerie,
the Cayuse, the Snake,

the Shoshone, the Walla Walla,
the Abenaki...

This is my first affair,
so please be kind

Davis's letter
was found next to his body.

It stated he came home,
found his wife with Miller,

shot them both,
then turned the gun on himself.

Identification at the morgue was...

- Hi.
- Hi, or should I say, "How"?

- Huh?
- I was about to

send up smoke signals for you.

Oh, please, don't mention smoke signals.
I... Oh, yeah.

That's why I was late. Indian Guides. Sorry.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Gosh, I had so many things to tell you.
Now I can't think of a thing.

Me, either.

What would you like to do?

Oh, anything you say.

I guess we could go someplace?

I guess so.

Got any ideas?

No, anywhere you want to go
is fine with me.

- Could go for a ride or something.
- Yeah.

We'd better go for a ride.

Hey, there's an idea. Want to see a movie?

Sure.

Oh, I'll get that.

- Don't move.
- What's the matter?

It's Thompson, the cleaning man.

Is he looking?

He's looking.

Oh, great.

I never thought
the second feature would be us.

Still looking?

Still looking.

How can we get out of here?

Think of something.

No, it's too late to change cleaners.

Can you reach the ignition?

- It's stuck.
- So are we.

Stop it, for goodness' sake!

Try and reach the ignition.

Now step on the starter.

If this wasn't so horrible,
it'd be kind of enjoyable.

Throw it in reverse.

Oh, the speaker!

You'd think a guy like that
would stay home and watch television.

- Do you think he saw us?
- I'll find out first thing in the morning.

- How?
- I'll think of something.

- I'll call you.
- Okay.

Honestly!

What's this car got against me?

- Goodbye, honey.
- Bye. Here, don't forget this.

- Oh, yeah, that thing.
- You don't have to put it on now.

No.

What are you doing?

This suit's a mess.
I thought I'd drop it off at the cleaner's.

Oh, well, you don't have to bother.
He'll be here in a few minutes.

- This is his day.
- Yeah, but...

Just came from the Matthews'.
Both kids are down again.

Always a runny nose in that house.

Why not?
She lets them stay up half the night.

- He travels, you know.
Yes.

Remember, these have to be
back by Saturday.

Oh, sure thing.

- Oh, good morning.
- Good morning.

By golly, it was you, wasn't it?

Did you get the horn fixed?

Horn?

- What horn?
- Last night, the drive-in movie.

You know, I kept saying to myself,
"I know that fella from somewhere."

Me? Drive-in movie?

What are you putting in your martinis,
cleaning fluid?

Are you kidding?
I saw it with my own eyes.

The two of you sitting there,
necking like a couple of school kids.

Thanks for trying, Mr. Thompson,

but nothing that exciting
has happened in this family for years.

- But I saw you. A big Buick convertible.
- We don't have a convertible.

No, we've got a hardtop,
a big black Bluick, a Buick hardtop.

I can't understand it,
not with my eyes, 20-20 vision.

I was in the Marine Corps.

It's a wonder we won.

Hey, he ought to watch that mouth of his.
He could start some nasty rumors.

About you, darling?
Who'd ever believe them?

When Larry told me what
a close shave we'd had,

we both knew it was time to call it off.

But again, we had reckoned
without our old nemesis,

being constantly thrown together,

like being partners
in the Scotch Foursome at the club,

or running into each other
at the blood bank.

And then it happened.
Nobody planned anything.

It just happened.

Saturday night dance at the club.

Jack was out of town,
Mary had gone home with a headache,

and I'd had one little drink too many.

When Larry asked me to dance,
I should have said no.

But I was feeling too bubbly
and relaxed and good, and...

And the moment we touched,
I went duck-bumpy all over.

If Larry had said,
"Let me take you to Siberia,"

I wouldn't have minded.

Actually, where we wound up
was considerably warmer.

- Well, pardon me.
- That's perfectly all right.

Oh! Hey, goodness gracious sakes alive,
they're catching!

Say, funny, these places all look alike.

That's just 'cause you're a little tipsy.

- You're a little tipsy, too.
- I am not. I'm drunk.

Well, I'm not. I'm just a little tipsy.

You know something?
I like you when you're a little tipsy.

Your eyes get brownier,
and your nose gets longier.

Thank you.

I think.

Hey, there's a nice,
friendly looking little place.

- You're naughty.
- Just to talk things over?

You're naughty.

How else are we going
to talk things over?

Isn't that logical?

We could talk things over in the car.

That's too logical.

Right?

Yes, it certainly is.

You can't talk things
over in a car, can you?

- No.
- No.

Larry,

have you ever...

Never.

That's nice.

Pick a nice name.

Something real married-sounding.

How about George
and Martha Washington?

Beautiful.

Good evening.

Do you have a room?

We don't have rooms.

We might have a bungalow.

- Oh, well, that's swell.
- Five dollars a single, $9 double.

- You alone?
- No, I've got a wife.

I'm with a wife. I'm with my wife.

Mmm-hmm.

You see, we've been driving all day,
all the way from Texas.

Left at dawn,
came up through the Panhandle.

You see my wife's folks live in San Diego
and we...

I don't want a travelogue, mister,
just the 9 bucks.

You register here.

First line is just your name.

It'll come to you.

Mr. and Mrs. G. Washington?

That's right.

You come from good stock.

Yeah. You got a key?

Here you are, Mr. Washington,
bungalow 7.

You won't have any trouble finding it.
It's the one next to the cherry tree.

Thank you.

Well, it's not bad, not bad at all.

Comfortable chair and nice closet,

a good reading lamp.

Just what we need to talk things over.

Well, what's the matter?

I'm just a little woozy, that's all.
Be all right.

Are you sure?

If I could just get a cup of coffee.
Do you think you can find some?

Oh, sure. There must be
a million places around here.

Thank you.

Well, you make yourself nice
and comfortable. I'll be right back.

Thank you.

- Do you want cream and sugar?
- Black.

- A donut?
- No, just coffee, please.

Oh, by the way,
have I ever told you I love you?

- No.
- Well, I do.

No donut.

Coffee.

No donut.

Should be a million places.

Happy Valley?

Valley Pines?

It's around here somewhere

unless the freeway came through.

Valley Crown, that's it, finally.

Kitty. Kitty?

Honey, it's me, Larry.

Yeah?

Oh, pardon me, I thought this was 7.

- This is 7.
- Well, where's Kitty?

- Who's Kitty?
- My wife!

What would I be doing with your wife?

What would anybody be doing
with my wife?

No. No, I didn't mean that.
No, these places are so confusing, I...

Are you sure you're with the right woman?

No, buddy, I'm with the wrong woman,
but I've been with her for 30 years.

- I'm sorry. No vacancies.
- You don't understand.

I'm the lady from bungalow 7.

Oh, Mrs. Washington.

Yes.

My husband went out for coffee.

Hmm.

And, well, he's been gone over two hours.

Hmm.

And I just began to feel a little concerned.

Mmm-hmm.

You see, I like it black...

- Mmm-hmm.
...and he might have forgotten

and got it with cream and then realized it...

- Hmm.
...and gone back

- to...
- Should I call you a cab, honey?

Yes, please.

Tujunga Taj Mahal.

No Tell Motel.

The Ring-A-Ding Inn.

Good night.

Hey, you got a vacancy?

Yeah, just opened up. Bungalow 7.

La Fiesta Arms.

Valley Springs.

Valley Springs, that's it.

All right, dear,
some nice black coffee. Kitty?

- Yeah?
- Do you remember me?

How could I forget
the father of our country?

What happened to Mrs. Washington?

Took a taxi.

Taxi? Where to?

To tell you the truth, George,
I think she went back to Mount Vernon.

Oh, thank you.

I don't know. It just seems all wrong.

It seemed right in Acapulco,
but here it just seems wrong.

Yeah, but don't you see? That's exactly
what we need, another Acapulco.

What are you talking about?

Well, this fellow at the office,
he's got this beautiful little cabin

- all alone in the woods near Monterey.
- Monterey?

Yeah, we could spend
three whole days there

during the Christmas holidays.

- Are you out of your mind?
- No, I've got it all figured out.

See, I'm gonna be in San Francisco
that week anyway,

and Jack and Joannie will be up
at Mammoth skiing.

Stevie's away with the Cub Scouts,
and you'll be all alone.

Oh, Larry, we mustn't.

- Think about it.
- But, Larry...

- Just think about it.
- But we shouldn't.

Just promise me
you'll think about it.

Think about it, he'd said.

As if I could think about anything else.

I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't eat.
I couldn't think about anything

except Larry and me,
and what to do about us.

I thought about it

when I should have been thinking
about serving breakfast.

Hey!

Oh, I'm sorry.

When I should have been thinking
about wiring the Christmas tree.

I kept thinking about it right up to
that inevitable day after Christmas

when Jack and Joannie left for Mammoth.

Stevie was away with the Cub Scouts,

and I knew I'd have to face
that moment when I'd be alone.

All alone.

And Larry would call from San Francisco.

Hello?

Hello, darling.

Yes, I'll come. I'll be on the 10:00 plane.

I love you, too.

Bye.

Well, I had said I'd go.

But something was wrong, very wrong.

And then, suddenly, I knew.

I knew that I had come
to my own time of decision.

I couldn't live with one man
while I was in love with another.

I could only go to Monterey one way,
by making a clean break.

And so I wrote Jack a note,

a note telling him that I was in love,

that I was leaving,
and that I wanted a divorce.

And that's how a Pasadena housewife
happened to be in the Monterey Airport

with the husband of a very dear friend.

All set. Got a wonderful place for lunch.

Darling, sit down a minute.
There's something we should discuss.

Later. We can talk on the way to the cabin.

Did I tell you? Acapulco, all over again.

Darling, there's something I want to...

Same sunshine, same drinks.

Darling...

You know, this cabin's got
complete privacy.

Larry, I left Jack.

I understand it's one of
the most beautiful...

You left Jack?

You mean you left him to come up here
while he goes skiing?

No. I mean I left him for good.

You're joking.

Well, it wasn't exactly unexpected, was it?

Well, of course not, it's just that...

Well, we never discussed it or anything,
and naturally, I...

You mean, you really left him?

Well, it doesn't mean
that you have to leave Mary.

Well, I most certainly will!

Nobody's holding a gun to your head.

Well, don't be absurd.
If you leave Jack, of course I'll leave Mary.

After all, I'm in this as deep as you are.

No, I didn't mean that.
I meant that, after all, we're adults,

and we made our bed and we'll lie in it.

- Well, that's not a very nice way to put it.
- Well, you know what I mean.

We'll just face the music

together.

Kitty,

we've got a lot to talk about. Check.

Look, we'll just drive up to the cabin,
and we'll pick up a bite later.

- Just tell me you love me.
- Well, you know that I do.

- And I didn't make a mistake?
- I should say not.

- No regrets?
- Not one in the world.

Besides, we'll have three whole days
to think it over.

Talk it over.

Marvelous air.

Wonderful.

Do you think we can
keep it out of the papers?

- I sure hope so.
- I wouldn't want any scandal or anything.

Depends on the lawyers, I guess.

I suppose the whole thing
will be terribly expensive.

Two divorces, four lawyers.

Four lawyers?

We're not rewriting the Constitution,
we're just getting divorced.

- Why do we need four lawyers?
- Yours, mine, Mary's and Jack's.

We could start our own bar association.

Look, we're gonna have to double up.

We'll use one lawyer,
Jack and Mary another.

Oh.

- Better put the top up.
- It's not going to rain. I can always tell.

- Really?
- Yeah, I got this trick knee.

Acts up during the rainy season.

Oh, Jack, too, same type injury.
Did you get yours playing football?

Bridge tournament. Tripped over a lamp.

Oh.

Dear, I don't want to take issue
with your knee, but I think it's raining.

Yeah.

I'll put the top up.

It's stuck.

Well, come on, let's get going
before it starts to pour.

Oh, there's nothing to it.

Pressure tube probably
slipped off the valve.

Well, there must be a garage
or a filling station around here some place.

What? And pay them $5 for
something I can do with my eyes closed?

Well, dear, they have electronic wizards
in garages for things like this.

I said I can fix it.

- Well, darling, I only thought that...
- Dear, I said I can fix it.

All right, dear, fix it.

All right, dear, try it.

Hey, it's working!

I'll take it. I got it.

There it is.

It's still stuck.

What now, dear?

We'll try the garage.

How much farther?

About three fathoms.

I'll say one thing for Jack.

He sure was handy
with mechanical things.

Well, bully for Jack.

- Your knee bothering you?
- My knee's fine.

I just wondered. You sound a little testy.

I wouldn't talk.

"Careful, S-turn ahead.

"Speed limits strictly enforced.

"Don't pass on double line."

- Dear?
- Hmm?

Do you always read every sign
on the road, out loud, I mean?

I don't know. I guess so.

Why, does it bother you?

Who, me? I should say not.

- It's just that my mother used to do it.
- Oh, really?

Drove my father out of his skull.

Well, just so it doesn't bother you.

No, no.

"Drinking water 500 yards."

Kitty...

You'd think when they rented you a car
for $11 a day, plus 10 cents a mile,

- you could at least get the top up.
- You mean down.

- Up, down, what's the difference?
- Pneumonia!

Kitty, look!

- There it is.
- Oh, it's beautiful!

It really is.

There's a town up ahead.
I'll get the top fixed,

and you can pick up some things
for supper.

I must warn you,
I'm not a very good cook.

Who's hungry?

- All the modern conveniences.
- Especially running water.

We'd better come back
when the tide's out.

Come on.

The kitchen's over there, dear.

Should warm up soon.

Fine. Where are we?
On top of Old Smokey?

- I had to start the fire with wet papers.
- Oh, really?

Jack always starts fires by doing the...
Oh, sorry.

That's all right.

I'm getting kind of hungry.
What's the main event?

- Chicken.
- Oh, good.

That's a funny looking chicken.

Oh, yeah, it doesn't seem
to have any wings.

You know why?

It's a rabbit.

A rabbit?

Well, you know,
it was one of those serve yourself places,

- and I was kind of in a hurry and...
- Yep.

- Do you like rabbit?
- I adore them at Easter time, in cages.

Well, at least they took off the fur.

Too bad, I hear that's the best part.

Let's see, now, there's the lawyers fees,
the insurance payments, the back taxes,

living expenses for Mary in Reno,
payments for the kids' schools.

Did I leave anything out?

We've got medical plans, premiums,

mortgage payments, transportation
and setting up in Kankakee.

- Then there's...
- Kankakee?

Yeah, it's the home of Showalter Pickles.

The old man's been dying
to get me out there.

A raise of 10 grand if I stay five years.

Kankakee, Indiana?

Illinois. It's only for five years,
and I hear it's a wonderful little town.

Marvelous, if you're a pickle.

Well, you know, if you don't like that,
we can work it out right here at home.

Oh, no, dear, Kankakee will be fine.

Okay.

It's just that little Stevie
has always been allergic to dill.

Stevie?

And, you know,
Joannie's getting to the age

where she should be meeting
some nice young boys.

Joannie?

But I suppose there's some nice sons
of lovely pickle people in Kankakee, huh?

You mean, your kids
are going to live with us?

Naturally. Anything wrong with that?

Nothing, I just never thought of it before.

Well, certainly.

Just like your children will live
with Mary and whoever she marries.

- Mary, get married?
- She's a very attractive woman.

- Mary, get married.
- Why not?

- She'd never do a thing like that to me.
- Oh, yes, she will.

And your children will go
and live with her,

just like my children will come
and live with us.

What's the matter?

Nothing, except it's beginning
to sound like a troop movement.

Oh, well, I guess it won't be so bad.
After all, Jack'll help out.

There is such a thing as child support.

Oh, no, not for Jack.

No, sir, not after what I've done to him.

Huh?

I wouldn't take a cent
of that man's money.

That's right. Why deprive
some poor, deserving racetrack?

Jack's a sick man!
His gambling's a disease.

I know, I've seen him
in Las Vegas taking the cure.

I suggest we leave poor Jack out of this.

He's gonna be hurt enough
after he reads that note.

- What note?
- The note I left for him.

You left a note?

Yeah, I left a note on the mantle.
I told you about it.

No, you didn't tell me about it.

- Didn't I?
- No. No, what kind of a note?

Well, just a note telling him...

Telling him what?

- Everything.
- That you were coming up here?

Well, yes.

With me?

- Certainly.
- And without telling me?

Well, I don't see what's wrong with that.

Well, it's about the stupidest thing
I ever heard of.

- Stupid?
- Yes, stupid!

If there's one thing I can't stand,
it's being called stupid!

I didn't say you were stupid.
I said what you did was stupid.

Well, it takes a stupid person
to do a stupid thing!

Congratulations! You just passed the test!

Oh, aren't we clever?

Clever enough not to go around
writing irresponsible, stupid notes.

Well, I'm sorry I don't have your logical,
clear-cut, brilliant mind!

- I'll buy that.
- That keeps us out in a blinding rainstorm

while you're trying
to prove you're Wernher von Braun

with the top of a convertible.

I may not be a mechanical genius,
like that road company Nick the Greek

- that you're married to.
- Careful.

But I happen to know
that two lawyers are cheaper than four.

Oh-ho!

And I can also tell the difference
between a chicken and a rabbit

if only by counting its feet.

It was lying down!

Some cook.

I'd probably come home to dinner
expecting prime roast beef

and wind up with a plate
of broiled gopher.

- That is a revolting thing to say!
- Well, if the shoe fits, eat it. Wear it!

You are a loathsome, spiteful,
despicable human being.

And I will thank you never
to talk to me or touch me again!

Sorry I said all those terrible things.

So am I.

- I didn't mean a word of it.
- Me, either.

- I really like Jack.
- I know you do.

It's just that...

Well, we both realize
that what we were doing was wrong.

Terribly wrong.

We couldn't go through with it.

Couldn't hurt the people we love.

We're such idiots.

I know.

That note!

I gotta go home,
get rid of that note before Jack gets back!

Yeah, I'll call Monterey,
get some plane reservations.

Operator, will you get me
the airport at Monterey?

What? Completely blocked?

Yeah, thank you.

- What happened?
- Landslide. Monterey's completely cut off.

The only way out is up Route 79
to San Francisco.

Operator said the local radio's got
weather reports, bigger storm coming.

... sweep across the state, flooding streams

and bringing heavy snows
to the mountain areas.

Warnings have gone out
to all winter sports enthusiasts

in the Mammoth and Squaw Valley areas

to leave immediately
to avoid being snowed in.

Jack may have started back already.

- I'd better call and find out.
- Yeah.

Mr. Weaver and his daughter left
about a half an hour ago.

He should be in Los Angeles
in about six hours.

Thank you. They'll be home in six hours.

We'd better move.

Operator, get me the International Airport
at San Francisco.

I'll turn in the car, and you go to United

- and pick up the tickets.
- Right.

And remember, the name is
Mr. and Mrs. Fred Johnson.

- Mr. and Mrs. Fred Johnson.
- And be sure it's Flight 888.

- 888.
- lf we miss that, we're dead.

Okay.

United Air Lines
Flight 467 for Honolulu

at Gate 19 in five minutes.

My husband phoned,
two tickets to Los Angeles.

- Mr. and Mrs. Fred Johnson.
- Yes, Mrs. Johnson, I'll check it.

Well, bless my soul. Kitty Weaver.

Oh, hello, Ham.

- Say, you're a long way from home.
- Yeah.

Are you alone?

No, I... Oh, I mean, yes, yes.

I just came up here to Gumps
to do some shopping.

That's a long way to shop.

- Yeah. You see...
- Everything's in order, Flight 888.

That's Mr. and Mrs. "F" for Fred Johnson?

I'm... No, I'm afraid
that you've made a mistake.

- That's... The name is Weaver.
- Weaver Johnson?

No, no, just plain Weaver.

Mrs. "J" for Jack Weaver.

Oh, but I distinctly remember

- that the name was...
- No, no, I said Mrs. "J" for Jack Jack.

We... Mrs. Jack Weaver.

Well, I'm awfully sorry,
but that flight is sold out.

The Johnsons held the last two seats
and there are eight standbys.

I can get you on 734 in an hour.

No, no, I don't want to be on 734.

I want very much to be on Flight 888.

I... I...

Well, what I mean is,
there just isn't any other flight

that I could, I...

Never mind.

Ham, you know what you could do for me?

You could buy me a drink.

- I am so thirsty.
- Well, that's a pleasure.

Well, what do you know about that!

Dodgers trade Morgan for Williamson!

That Williamson is a powerhouse
of a player.

Will passenger Lewis and family

report to airport office, lower concourse.

Your baggage has been recovered.

Reservation for Mr. and Mrs. Johnson.

- Fred Johnson?
- Yes, and please hurry.

- Certainly, Mr. Johnson.
- Thank you.

Well, for heaven's sakes,
Larry Gilbert!

Well, what do you know?
Isn't this a nice surprise?

- How are you?
- Oh, hello, Myrtle.

I was just washing my hands.

- Ham's around someplace.
- Oh, goody, goody.

Here we are, two seats on 888.
Everything's in order, Mr. Johnson.

- Johnson?
- Yes, a Mr. and Mrs. Fred Johnson.

No, there must be some mistake,
the name is Gilbert.

Gilbert Johnson?

- No, Larry.
- Larry Johnson?

Larry Gilbert.

Look, sir, there are people waiting
for these seats.

Are you or aren't you
Mr. and Mrs. "F" for Fred Johnson?

No, I'm Mr. "L" for Larry Gilbert,
and this is Mrs. "H" for Hamilton Busbee.

How do you do?

- Do we get dinner on this flight?
- Yes, madam.

- Now, sir, please, I want to find out...
- Meat or fish? It's Friday, you know.

Yes, I know.

- Now, sir...
- Well, there's nothing religious about it.

It's just that I'm on
this high-protein, low-iodine diet.

- I see. Now...
- The meat's all right,

but the fish might be too high in iodine.

Well, I'm sure they'll
take care of you on the plane.

- Now, sir...
- What about a beverage?

Anything you like, coffee, tea, or fish.
Meat... Milk...

Do you think I could get two...

Well, for heaven's sakes,
there's Kitty Weaver and she's with Ham.

Hammie, look who's here!

Well, I'll be doggoned, Larry Gilbert.

Small world, huh?

- Very.
- How about that?

How about that?

Well, what do you think of this?
Old Home Week.

- Hi, Kitty.
- Hello, Myrtle.

- Hi, Lar.
- Hi, Ham-Boy.

- Hello, Larry.
- Hi, Kitty.

- Gee, I'm glad to see you.
- Please, if you don't mind,

are any of you
Mr. and Mrs. "F" for Fred Johnson?

No, but we'll be glad to use those seats.
Mrs. Weaver and I, that is.

Well, I'm sorry,
but there are eight people ahead of you.

Mr. and Mrs. Claude Hickman.

That's us, dear.
Aren't we lucky?

- Pardon us, please.
- I have two seats.

That's Mr. and Mrs.
"C" for Claude Hickman?

- That's right.
- Claude and Margie.

Thank you. Come on, Honey.

I'll get you two out on the next flight.

- Just got time.
- Thanks.

How about that drink?

I could use one.

We had the most wonderful vacation
in Pebble Beach

with the Junior Chamber of Commerce
Tournament and Convention.

Man, what a time I just had.

There was this tournament, see,

and the convention,
and there was this little blond waitress,

and right away, right away, Lar,
she gives me the eye.

Now, it just so happens
that every time she's got time off,

I'm supposed to be at the convention.

Well, brother Lar,
it was three days like you never...

Hammie, come on.

Coming, dear. Come on, Lar.

- Martini on the rocks, all around?
- Fine with me.

- Four, please.
- It was glorious weather.

But poor Hammie missed all the fun.

Poor baby had to work every afternoon.

Yes, it was rough, rough.

I kept saying, "Let the other fellas do it."

But no, Hammie felt he had to do
the job himself.

Well, you know,
if you want a thing done right,

you've got to do it yourself.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, I know what you mean.

Say, I wonder if you'd excuse me
for a moment.

I forgot to check a bag.

I played canasta all day long,

and, poor baby, when he came home,
looked so tired.

Do you play canasta?

Yeah, it's rough.

United Air Lines Jet Flight 888

boarding for Los Angeles in 10 minutes.

Mr. Hamilton Busbee,
telephone, please.

- Mr. Hamilton Busbee.
- That's me.

- Where's your phone, Bartender?
- You can take it right here, sir.

Wonder who that is.

Hello?

Ham. This is Larry.

Who?

Larry Gilbert. Can the girls hear you?

Well, no.

Well, look, it just so happens that
if you can stay over for a few hours,

we might have ourselves one large ball.

You see, I got this number
from a fellow in the office,

and she's got a friend, real blond,
real friendly and really stacked.

Well, this is an emergency, isn't it?

It is short notice, I must add, J.L.

Have you any idea
how we can work out the mechanics?

Yeah, now, you make some excuse
to Myrtle,

then get Kitty Weaver
to use your plane ticket,

then you and I'll come down a little later.
Can you swing it?

I'll do everything I can, sir,
to comply with your wishes.

Right.

It's an emergency, kids.

- Well?
- How do you like that?

She got married this afternoon.

- What about her friend?
- Terrible head cold.

Well, you can't win them all.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, forget it.

Look, it's nice to know
that you got a friend

that you can depend on once in a while.
You know what I mean, Lar?

Yeah.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Where've you been?

I ran up to San Francisco for the day.

- Oh, shopping?
- Yes.

- Good day?
- Yeah, I had a very good day.

Jack, I wrote a note.

Yeah, I know.
I have it right here in my pocket.

Did you read it?

Not yet.

What's the matter with Joannie?

Poor kid, she kind of fell
for one of the skiers up there.

Terrific crush, then she found out
he really belonged to somebody else.

But you know how kids are
with their first real big heartbreak.

Oh, poor baby, I guess I'd better...

Jack?

Yeah?

Would you do me a very big favor
and throw that note in the fire?

Sure.

Thank you.

Happy new year!

Should auld acquaintance
be forgot

and never brought to mind

Should auld acquaintance...

- Happy new year, dear.
- Happy new year, darling.

This year we're going to Acapulco alone,
just the two of us.

Sounds wonderful.
Maybe I'll catch a fish, like Kitty did.

Just hang on to the one you got.

Happy new year, Larry.

- Happy new year, Doc.
- Happy new year.

Connie, happy new year, honey.

- Happy new year, Larry.
- Jack, happy new year.

Happy new year.

- Happy new year.
- Happy new year.

Goodbye, Mr. Washington.

Goodbye, Mrs. Washington.

Good thing you weren't Paul Revere.

Those are the facts of life

The ever-lovin'acts of life

The beautiful facts of life with you