The Ex (2006) - full transcript

-[Woman] Alan?
-[Man] No.

-Christopher?
-Mm, no.

-Nigel?
-No.

Leonard. That's cute.

That's so cute!

We have a little fat kid
that likes internet porn.

What about Hans?

What about Adolf?

That's great. It rings,

rolls off the tongue.

Charles.



It's a classic. You can't find
anything wrong with Charles.

Are you kidding me?

Do you know what the nickname
for Charles is?

-What?
-Chuckie.

How am I supposed
to fall asleep

with a little red-haired
toddler named Chuckie

sleeping in the next room?

Just forget the book, okay?

We don't need the book.

Let's come up
with our own name

like Apple
or Destiny's Child.

I got an idea.

Just look at me, right?

What's the first name
that pops into your head?



Doofus.

[laughs]

Okay, you go.

First name that pops
into your head.

Boobies.

You want to name
our child Boobies?

I'm saying
that I'm open to it.

-[laughs] Honey...
-[bell dings]

Sweetie, the book says
it's best

to come up with a name
before the birth of the baby.

[sighs] Will you relax
with the book?

You're obsessed.

Honey, you know
doing research

makes me feel
more comfortable.

Speaking of which,

I've decided
not to do an epidural.

-What?
-Yep. Apparently,

natural childbirth's
better for the baby.

But everybody says
the pain is unbearable.

Whatever is best
for baby Big Nose.

Big Nose?

Oh, sorry, that's just
the name

that popped into my head
when I was looking at you.

Oh, that's very funny.
That's very funny.

-[kissing]
-Honey, please!

You're going
to make me pee!

Whoa, whoa. Look at the time.
I gotta go.

-Promotion day.
-Good luck, sweetheart.

Hey. I love you.

I love you.

Tom! Tom! Tom Reilly.

How the hell are you, man?
What's going on?

Good, Forrest. How are you?

The last time I saw you,

you were with Sofia Kowalski.

Yeah, we got married,
actually.

Way to go, man.

You know, I was never one
of the people that said

she was out of your league.
In their face, right?

Yeah.

We're about to have a baby.

Congratulations.
That's fantastic.

Yeah, good stuff.

My wife and I just did
that deal in December.

Kids are expensive
as hell, though.

I just made S.V.P.
at Armstrong.

Making 500 grand a year

and we're barely
making ends meet.

We just got a beach house
in the Hamptons.

Oh.

Piece of advice.

You want the most ass ever?

-Please.
-Get your wife a beach house.

-Oh.
-I'm serious.

I can't keep her off my junk.

I'll have to remember that.

Hey, come out
to the Hamptons sometime.

-We'll go sailing.
-I'll bring my yacht!

Even better.

$500,000 a year.
Can you believe that?

I went to school
with this idiot.

He's one of the stupidest
people I ever met.

Where did I go wrong?

-Dude, you're a cook.
-I know.

I should have become
a hedge-fund guy.

I'd be getting ass
out in East Hampton.

Okay, people! A lot of hungry
stockbrokers up there.

They're counting on you.

What's wrong?

Somebody left a bunch
of salmon out overnight.

Leon's docking
everybody's pay.

-That's ridiculous.
-You gotta talk to him, Tom.

No, no, no, no, no,
not me this time, guys. Sorry.

Tommy, you're the only guy
that can stand up to him.

Paco, my wife's about to have
a baby. I need this promotion.

This guy's going
to dock our pay, man.

Let's go, ladies!

I don't pay you
to stand around all day.

Hey, Summers, I need you
to work on Sunday, okay?

Leon, my sister's getting
married on Sunday, remember?

Well, you know what?
You gotta tell me that

when I'm making out
the schedule.

I can't keep track
of everyone's social life.

-I did tell you.
-I'll sub for him, Leon.

Paco, silencio.

Summers, I'm sorry.
You got to be here Sunday.

That's it.
I don't make the rules.

Oh, wait. Yes, I do.

You got something to say,
Reilly? I'd love to hear it.

Leon, you're an asshole.

And you're fired.

-What?
- Adiós, mijo.

You heard me, Banderas.
Hit the road.

Go on back
to your 10-family shack

and watch Telemundo all day.

I don't give a shit,
all right?

Okay, we both got
a little carried away.

I admit it.
You admit it.

Let's just have
a cool-down period, okay?

Do you want to use my apron?

I can get most of that off.

Are you kidding me? You don't
hit a guy with a pork chop!

[clamoring]

-[Tom] Stop, stop, stop, stop!
-[Leon] come on!

We're sorry.
We're sorry. We're sorry.

-We're sorry.
-You're fired too.

Uh-huh!

Forrest, here's some pork,
on the house.

How's the ahi?

[Sofia] Oh, I'm so fat.

[grunts]

Don't give me that crazy look,
Kimmy. I see you.

I have too much to do before
I gotta get out of here.

[Kimmy] Hey, Sof,
can I ask you something?

Do you really think you can
raise a kid on Tom's salary?

He's getting promoted
to head lunch-chef.

We're gonna be fine.

I have to say,
I have a hard time

seeing you as a housewife.

I am not going to
be a housewife.

I'm going to be
a full-time mom.

Of course, yeah.

[gasps]

What?

-[cell phone rings]
-Don't worry about it, man.

Hello.

Now?

Tom's self-conscious

'cause his peep has
a little curve to it.

[laughter]

But it still works, right?

[laughter]

What are you two
giggling about?

Your cute little curve.

I'll get you another pillow.

Babe, please don't talk
about my curve.

My curve is private.

Sweetie,
she's our delivery nurse.

Eventually she's gonna
see my vagina

and most likely watch me poop.

-What now?
-Most women poop

at some point
during the birth.

-I told you that.
- No, no, I'm pretty sure

I would remember that.

So which way does it curve?

-don't answer that.
-Left.

It's actually right.

It's just her left.

Come here, sweetie.

[nurse laughs]

You look more nervous
than I am.

-I know.
-It's okay. Really.

It's the most natural thing
in the world.

Women have been doing this

for thousands and thousands
of-- Yaah!

What the hell was that?

I told you those contractions
were gonna get stronger.

But don't worry.
You still have some time

before they get real nasty.

-That wasn't nasty?
-That wasn't nasty?

Hell, no.

Tom, I think I changed my mind.

-I want the drugs.
-Now?

I-- I can probably
score you some weed.

Sofia, you turned down
the epidural,

and the anesthesiologist is
in surgery now.

Baby, what about
all the research?

Screw the research.
Get me the drugs.

[indistinct chatter]

I'm sorry. I was told

the Black bald guy
at the counter

who's always trying
to get some

is an anesthesiologist.
Is that you?

That is me, but I'm going
home in just a second.

Oh, can I just
talk to you for--

Sorry. That goes there.

My wife turned down
her epidural,

and now she totally regrets it.
She's in a lot of pain.

I'm very sorry,
but you're gonna have to speak

to one of the anesthesiologists
that are on call.

I got to get out of here

because in a few minutes
I'm gonna cry 'cause--

Excuse me.
We can't find anybody else.

Excuse me. Do you not see

two grown folks
talking right now?

Can you respect that?

[whispering indistinctly]

You! Hey! What--

-Get that--
-Yaah!

Get him! Hold on to him!
That's mine!

[shouting]

Babe-- Aah!

Honey, I found one.

Can you please get me
an epidural?

Oh, please.

Ah.

Much better.
Thank you so much.

Just glad I could help, Sofia.

All right,
you can take him away.

Trying to steal
a brother's Hummer.

Please forgive me.

He was just trying to help me.

don't make him miss
his son being born.

There must be something
we can do.

Babe, we still don't have
a name for our son.

Huh? What's your name?

Hakim.

What's your last name?

Oliver.

[Tom] Hey, Oliver.

He's beautiful.

Uh, baby...

A funny thing happened
at work today.

It's a setback, baby, but we're
gonna get through this.

The important thing
is that we have

a beautiful, perfect,
handsome baby boy, right?

And we love each other.

Right?

Do you remember how we
decided

that I was gonna
stay home with our baby

and you were gonna
support us?

Sofia, it was the principle
of the thing.

You should have seen this guy.

It's always the principle
of the thing.

First, it was
the museum job,

but then you didn't want
to turn

into a pretentious
social climber.

Then you become
a magazine writer,

which lasts until you tell
your editor he's a whore.

Not an actual whore, Sofia.

A whore
to the entertainment industry.

You speak your mind,

and you can smell
bullshit a mile away,

and that's what
I love about you,

but sooner or later,
people make compromises.

They don't like what they do.
They hate their boss.

They're bored most of the time.
It's what having a job is.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, well,
what if this whole thing

was a message from God?

What do you think God's
trying to tell us?

Maybe He's trying to tell us

that it's time for us to move
out of New York City.

I could finally take
your dad up on his job offer.

[rock beat plays]

♪ He was tied to the bed ♪

♪ With a miracle drug
in one hand ♪

♪ In the other,
a great lost novel ♪

♪ That I understand
was returned ♪

♪ With a stamp ♪

♪ That said "Thank you
for your interest"... ♪

Whoo-hoo, Ohio!
Look, Oliver!

-♪ While preparing his soul ♪
-Yes!

♪ For a perilous slide
into crime ♪

♪ He had decided
that he would err ♪

♪ On this side of divine ♪

♪ Being told this is wise... ♪

Lot of white people
in this neighborhood.

♪ That there'd be payback
with interest in due time ♪

♪ So why ♪

♪ All the history now? ♪

Kids, welcome!

Great! It's your parents.
They're in our house already.

-Look at that baby!
-I'm gonna eat you!

-I'm gonna eat you up!
-Baby!

Your stuff got here
safe and sound,

not that you had very much.

Dad, our apartment in New York

was about the size
of this porch.

I love it. Go ahead.

Whose furniture is this?

Surprise!

Got you a little
housewarming gift.

You know, having a job
completely changes a man, Tom.

It's not just about the money.

It's about having a purpose.

It's about feeling
proud of yourself.

-Dad.
-You know,

I've been employed before, Bob.

No, I'm not talking
about a cook.

I'm talking about a real job.

-Dad, Tom was a chef.
-A chef's a cook, right?

Personally, I think being
a cook is a real job.

You want a tip
on how to succeed,

you take a look
at this girl here.

Did you know that your wife
was Phi Beta Kappa?

That she got 170
on the LSAT?

I know that, Bob.

If you remember, we've been
dating since college.

Me llamo El Pollo.
Cheep cheep.

Ooh! don't eat me!
I'm for grownups!

You know who I'm putting
in charge of training Tom?

-Chip Sanders.
-Oh, great.

So what's this Chip guy like?

I haven't seen him
for years.

We were
in cheerleading together.

Which reminds me,

when are you gonna dig out one
of your cheerleading outfits

and do a little routine for me?

I don't know. Are you gonna
score a touchdown for me?

Oh, I will score a touchdown.

I will.

Tom, don't.

It's just...

Oliver eats from there.
It just seems kind of weird.

I'm sorry. Maybe it's just
a little too early.

-Is that okay?
-Of course it's okay.

Of course.

-It's totally fine.
-Okay.

Wish me luck, family members.
[kisses]

-Give 'em hell.
-I'll miss you guys.

[mouthing]

-♪ You've got the right ♪
-[imitates gunshot]

♪ We're tellin' you,
to remain satisfied ♪

Tom, hi.

-Welcome to Sunburst.
-Thank you.

I should've told you,
suit and tie is not required.

Casual Friday every day?

No, it's not business casual.
We tried that.

It's business appropriate.

It's about being yourself,
but in an appropriate way.

It's kind of special.

You know, I've been here longer
than anybody, 30 years.

Last year
a visionary took over.

His name-- Don Wollebin.

[Bob] Guys! Guys, I want you
to meet Tom Reilly,

our new assistant
associate-creative.

-[both] hey, Tom.
-Hey, guys.

-This is Manny.
-This is Doug.

-Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
-Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

-What's that?
-What are you trying to do?

You got something
in your hand over there?

Hey, Tom, catch!

-Whoops!
-Yes!

-Nice, Manny!
-Can't let my man down.

You got to catch it, Tom.

The yes ball gets thrown around
the office all day long.

It's a way of showing
that we're all in sync.

Oh.

Once you start thinking
about stuff in a new way,

it'll turn your whole
world upside down.

[laughs] Come on.

Oh, my God.

[Bob] people just aren't eating
as much fried fish anymore.

So Don says,
"Let's shift the paradigm.

"Forget fried fish.

"Let's re-invent
the tartar sauce

"as a hamburger spread.

"Call it 'Pickle Whip'

and sell it to teenagers!"

-That's classic Wollebin.
-[Bob] No question.

Now last but not least,

I want to introduce
all of you

to our new assistant
associate-creative--

Tom Reilly.

Thank you all. I'm sure
that this experience will--

-Sit down, Tom. It's all right.
-Okay.

-Hey, Tom.
-Uh-oh.

Nice catch!

-Throw it!
-Nice!

Here we go!

Yes, throw it around!
Throw it around!

Oh, I don't want to do it,
either. Or do I?

Go long!

Come on, buddy.
You got to jump for those.

Unfortunately, I can't.

And I haven't been
able to, Tom,

since I was five.

It's great to meet you, though.
My name's Chip Sanders.

This is the guy you're gonna
be working under.

Hey, Chip, I'm really sorry
about what just happened.

I feel like an idiot.

Hold it right there, Tom.

We don't apologize
at Sunburst.

The Japanese have a term
called moushiwake.

It's a way of saying
you're sorry

and taking responsibility.

At Sunburst, if you feel
you've fallen short,

you write a moushiwake

on one of these
little yellow pads.

Here. Here you go.

Just go ahead,
write it down.

"Chip, I'm sorry I threw
the imaginary ball"--

It's supposed to be silent.

Tom, don't you worry about it.
If I got depressed

every time somebody made
a joke at my expense,

I'd never get out of bed.

I wasn't making a joke.
I didn't--

Tom, you'll be working
under the best here.

-Oh, sticky.
-I'm sorry.

Chip just won
Ohio Advertiser of the Year.

-Congratulations.
-I don't do it for the awards.

He created Señor Tomato

for the Ketchup Kaliente
campaign.

Ay, Kaliente!

Arriba.

-I love this guy.
-Yeah, I'm pretty proud of him.

There's not a lot of Latino
characters in advertising.

He seems like
a really nice role model.

Well, it's nice to do well,

but also to do good.

Ay, Kaliente!

-[cooing]
-Look who's awake!

It's Mr. Stinky-winky!

It's Mr. Stinky-winky's
pinkies.

You made Mommy a nice little
poo, a stinky poo.

Yes, you did.

A binky drinky.
A pinky dinky.

"He backed away.

His hand holding the purple
crayon shook."

You don't understand
a word I'm saying, do you?

"Johnson told the Senate
Subcommittee

"he was satisfied
with the President's budget,

"even though it represented
a 6% decrease

from last year."

So...

you married Sofia Kowalski.

-You are one lucky man.
-Thanks.

-Do you love her, Tom?
-Oh, yeah.

Do you earn her love
every single day?

I believe I do, Chip.

That's all I need to hear.

So listen, I want you to know
that I don't care

whether you got this job
through family connections

or had to earn it
like the rest of us.

What's important is that you're
here, and that's awesome.

Okay, well, I'm just excited
to jump in.

Whatever you got for me,
just let me know.

Hang on there, killer.

We're gonna walk
before we run, okay?

-Did you see Karate Kid?
-Yeah.

Miyagi. Macchio. Okay?

And right now we're in
the "Wax on, wax off" period.

Advertising here.

Advertising never here.

She and my mom got
in a heated argument,

and my mom
took her to the ground

and started hitting her,

while my dad stood
over top, laughing.

[Man #2] did you later find out
that that wasn't true?

-Hearsay.
-[Man #3] Your Honor, hearsay.

-[Man #2] Did you ever hear--
-[popping]

...your sister say
that she hated your mother?

-[popping continues]
-[Man] Constantly.

-Hi.
-Hi.

-What are you doing?
-Nothing.

-Are those snaps?
-Yeah.

-That's pretty cool.
-It's pretty stupid.

My dad won't let me
watch TV anymore.

-That's bullshit, dude.
-Yeah.

This is all I can do.

Want to trade?

Just kidding.

Like, that one was a dud.

It happens.

So during the school year

I live with my mom
in New Jersey.

And I spend the summer
here with my dad.

But he's at work
all the time,

and all my friends
live back in Parsippany,

so it's pretty gay.

Hey, think fast.

I'm just messing
with you.

-I'm Carol, by the way.
-Tom.

-Hey, Tom, can I give
you some advice?

-Yeah.
-Get out of here.

Run. Run as fast as you can.

Walk out that door
and don't look back.

I'm just kidding.

But not really.

This is gonna be awesome.
Somebody's eating Chip's yogurt.

Carol, watch your legs.
No brakes! Thank you.

How we doing, gang, huh?

Uh-oh. Either one
of you two guys seen--

-Is this your yogurt?
-Uh-huh.

Oh, because Bob had said
something about, like,

free snacks in the kitchen.

Muffins.

Muffins are for everyone.
Yogurt's mine.

Everyone knows that.

But listen, my fault.
You're new.

I'll just go buy you
another one.

No, no, I'm your mentor.
I should have told you.

I'll go hungry today.
That'll be my punishment.

No, no, please. At least
finish the rest of this.

No, you've already done
about two-thirds of that.

Why don't you finish it off?

Okay? Enjoy.
It's peach. My favorite.

I give you one week.

[Sofia]
who is that? Who is that?

Hi, Dad!

Dad, I pooped today.
What did you do?

Hey, please change
my diaper, Dad.

My dad loves Chip. He's like
the son he never had.

-What about me?
-It's completely different.

You're his son-in-law.

Chip's a great guy, babe.
He just--

I don't know. He seems
a little angry or something.

Well, maybe you'd be
a little angry too

if you'd lost
the use of your legs.

It's not that. I don't know.

He just-- He's nice.

I just-- I think he might
have a dark side.

Tom, this is your
first week on the job.

I really hope you're
not picking a fight.

I'm not saying
anything bad about him.

Everybody has a dark side.
I have a dark side.

I'm very dangerous.

-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

-Come here.
-[toilet flushes]

What's up?

-Who is that person?
-That's Wesley.

His dad doesn't let
him watch TV.

I don't see the wisdom

of selling directly
to consumers.

Do you remember we spoke
about Smith & Hawken, sir?

2,000% sales growth?

We've got
a three-pronged strategy--

web advertising, product
partnerships, and print ads.

Actually,
it's a four-pronged strategy.

You forgot
about direct mailing.

Direct mailing is not part
of this strategy.

-Actually, it is.
-No, it's not.

It is, Chip.
If you took the time

to read the report like I did,

pages 23 through 29,
direct mailing.

I specifically said,
"No junk mail."

Now "No junk mail" means
"No direct mailing."

Did my son say
you could do this?

This meeting is over.
Goodbye.

[sighs]

I'm really sorry.

I guess I shouldn't
have said that.

That report was for internal
distribution only.

That's what "for internal
distribution only" means.

Mr. Nordhaus' son asked us
not to tell his father

about the direct mailing.

Because in five years,

when direct mailing takes
effect,

Mr. Nordhaus'll be dead.

I can still hear you.

[phone clicks]

I guess we can kiss
that account goodbye.

Bob, I'm really sorry.

I mean, moushiwake.

I'll write a moushiwake, Bob.

Bob, if anybody should be
writing a moushiwake, it's me.

-Tom is my responsibility.
-[Bob] Chip, please.

He's the one who screwed up.

Wollebin gets back
from Nepal tomorrow.

I don't want to tell him

you blew a major account
on your second day.

I'm gonna say it was me.

Oh, no, no, I can't let you
take the rap for that.

-Let me do it.
-Absolutely not, Chipper.

It's my family.

I'll clean up the mess.

Well, thank you, Bob.
I appreciate that.

Let's go back to work.

Hey, Tom, it's probably
none of my business,

but I doubt I'd ever
let my father-in-law

take a bullet for me like that.

Chip, it is none
of your business.

Sofia.

We are the Tigers!

And we're not cocky.

But we'll run you over...

[both]
Like a Kawasaki.

Vroom-vroom!

-Hey, baby.
-Sofia, hey!

Let me see the baby.

-This is him.
-Oh my gosh,

look what you've made!

Who's the father?
Have you found him?

Sofia, ready, okay!

Remember this?

[both] Let me tell you
what we are:

W-I-N-N-E-R!

That's it!
Second half, second half.

Let me tell you
what you are:

L-O-S-E-R!

-That's great.
-[Chip] And...

Riverside Tigers,
out of sight!

Riverside Tigers,
dyn-o-mite!

-I want to show you my--
-Hang on. Hang on.

-Explode.
-Explode!

-Explode!
-[laughs]

Explode?

Come on, you remember
how strong Chips Ahoy is.

-Come on, I got you.
-Okay.

Ready? Ha!

Explode!

Oh, yeah.

I can't believe
he remembered all the moves.

Oh, yeah, he's a real champ.

I bet he had a huge crush on you
in high school, didn't he?

Well...

we did sort of
have sex once.

What?

I thought you said he was
paralyzed from the waist down.

Well, not completely.

So you just, like,
forgot to tell me about it?

It was a long time ago.

I didn't want you thinking
about that when you met the guy.

It's gross. I think you showed
really bad judgment.

-Why?
-Because, no offense to Chip...

but he's a dick.

You're not really jealous,
are you?

don't you know I'm saving
my special cheer for you?

-You have a special cheer?
-Yeah.

Can I see it?

Show me upstairs.

-Hi.
-Hello, Wesley.

Can I get you anything?

No, I'm all right.

Got my Twizzler.

-You got it?
-Yeah, I got it.

So you spend any time
at your own house there, Wesley?

Wesley's mom
lives in New Jersey,

and his dad works late.

Oh...

well, I'm glad
we could help out.

Welcome
to the family, Wesley.

Thanks, Tom. Hey, guys,

you wanna see something
really cool?

Sure.

[gulps]

Wesley, you're
gonna hurt yourself.

That was awesome.

Wait a second. This is it.

-[Sofia] What are you doing?
-The Pickle Whip campaign.

This is how I'm gonna
redeem myself.

You gotta promise me you're
never gonna do that again.

Do that again.

I don't feel so good.

Oh, come on, buddy.
I need this for work.

-I don't know.
-I'll give you 20 bucks.

-Tom!
-Done and done.

There's my little Karate Kid.

You know, Tom,
when I told you

to meet me at the gym at 7:45,
I didn't mean 47.

So sorry, Chip. Listen,

I think I have
a really cool idea

for the Pickle Whip campaign.

-Last night--
-Okay, you know what?

First of all,
I need you to calm down.

-I'm pretty calm.
-Great.

We're gonna start
by just painting the fence.

You know what I mean?

'Cause today's
not for work ideas.

Today is for bonding.

We're gonna exercise together
like men.

Do you know how to exercise
like a man, Tom?

I'm guessing there won't
be any Pilates.

[wheelchair squeaks]

Of course there won't be
any Pilates, Tom.

I've got wheels for legs, okay?

I can never do Pilates,
no matter how super

you and your little
sissy friends think it is.

We're gonna play basketball.

-You play basketball?
-That's right.

Of course you do. All right.
Well, we'll play basketball.

Could you hold that for me?
Thank you.

-Ah.
-[players chatter]

Chip, no.

Tom, yes.
I already told the guys

you were gonna join us.
Come on, you're gonna love it.

I don't feel comfortable
doing that, man. I'm sorry.

Oh, come on.
What do you mean, comfortable?

We do this all the time
with able-bodied guys.

You'll have fun.

Well, if they're all
cool with it.

Absolutely
they're cool with it.

Are you cool with it?
Are you down?

Come on. Get in there
and saddle up.

The rules are basically
the same

except for the dribbling, okay?

The player in possession
of the ball

may not push his chair
more than twice in succession

with one or both hands
in either direction

without first tapping the ball
to the floor again, okay?

Basically,
two consecutive pushes

constitutes a traveling
violation. You got that, right?

Oh, and don't move your legs
at all during the game.

The players consider that
poor etiquette.

-Fellas.
-[player] Hey, Chip.

-Oh, boy.
-[Chip] How you doing?

-Hello, hello.
-What up, Chip?

-Hi, Chip.
-All right, listen.

I'm gonna play with Eddie.

New guy, you get the Colonel.

Colonel?

-You any good?
-No.

-Can you shoot?
-No.

-Pass in that chair?
-Slow.

-Good at defense?
-I'm more of a beginner,

actually.

-I like you.
-Thank you.

You're honest.
I don't like fakers.

I don't like fakers.

Nobody likes a faker, sir.

Just, uh, try your best
and by all means

keep our hands
off the guard rails,

or else somebody could
come along and smack!

Aah!

Game on, guys.

But we're teammates.

Hey, bro, you can't
leave me up here.

I'm gonna show you
something here.

That's a give and go.
Watch this.

Which way you going?
That way. No, it's this way.

And that's a pick. Right back.

Here comes the score.

Oh. It's a little defense.

You need to learn how to play,
okay? Focus.

♪ You ain't seen nothing yet ♪

♪ B-B-B-Baby, you just
ain't seen nothing yet ♪

This way, buddy.

...something that you're
never gonna forget ♪

♪ B-B-B-Baby, you just... ♪

[Chip] Let's go. Move it!

-Aah!
-Sorry.

[Colonel growls]

-Aah!
-I'm open!

-And in.
-Aah!

Why?

Aah!

[Chip]
Oh, that's gonna happen.

Get that thing in gear.
Move it!

♪ Here's something,
here's something... ♪

Okay, ten-ten. Game point.

Bring it.

Ball's in.

Turn. All right,
work it back around.

Back up top. Back up top.
Here we go.

Eddie. Ah! You missed it.

Back to me.

Ah. This is what you want, pal.

Hey!

[deep voice] Go, kid!

Ooh, ooh!

Aah!

Ah ha ha! In your face!

[whistles]
Guys, his leg just moved.

What are you talking about?

You can walk?

Uh, I think there must be

a little bit
of a misunderstanding.

Chip, can you...

Oh-oh, looks like trouble.

Ah...

[locker door slams]

Moushiwake on the whole
mix-up thing, Tom.

In my defense, I was able

to pry you from the Colonel's
death grip

about five seconds
after you blacked out.

Thank you so much, Chip.

Don't you mention it.
You're my dog.

I guess I'll take a shower.
Did you bring any shampoo.

No, I-- Oh, my God.

-Ow.
-Careful.

You want to put the towel
around your waist or...

I'm all set. Now, Tom,

didn't you want to tell me
a little idea

for the Pickle Whip campaign?

No, I'm-- I'm cool.

Good, 'cause you're still
real new at the company,

big guy, all right?
You're a long ways

from being ready
to pitch any ideas.

Let's not get
ahead of ourselves. Okay?

Fine.

And, Tom, it's okay
to look at him.

He likes it.

Don't you?

[chuckles]

Ow!

You hit my face.

If you want to feel
your insignificance

in the vastness of the universe,
I mean really feel it,

try boarding
in the Himalayas.

You, inspire me.

Sorry about your face.

That's Don Wollebin.

Ohh.

Power Pickle.
He's Señor Tomato,

only less Mexican
and twice the attitude.

Power Pickle
loves extreme skating.

He loves
extreme snowboarding.

Also enjoys
extreme skydiving.

Most of all,
he enjoys extreme lunching.

Ha! That's good.

It's phallic.

Oops.

-That feels like a commercial.
-Exactly.

Nobody likes commercials.

-You know, that's true too.
-[all murmuring]

-Well, I have something.
-Who's this?

This is Tom Reilly.

He's our new assistant
associate-creative.

Tom, it's generally
the creatives

or the associate-creatives

who make these proposals.

It is better to listen
to a wise beggar

than a rich fool.

I want
to hear the beggar.

Okay, thank you.

I saw this kid do this

kind of funny trick
the other day.

And I don't know,

I think it would
make a hilarious ad.

Tell me what you guys think.

[laughter]

No way!

That's funny.

Congratulations, Tom.
You did it.

Tom, I want you going down
to Lion's Pride tomorrow

to show this thing
to Jack Connor.

-Chip.
-Boss.

You're Tom's wingman
on this thing.

Wingman, his.

How about that?

Do you mountain bike?

Yeah, whenever I get
the chance.

There's some amazing
trails around here,

especially at dawn.

It's awe-inspiring.
We should go sometime.

Yeah.

-All right.
-Yeah, it's great, yeah.

I got to get a bike.

Hey, I hope there's
no hard feelings,

'cause I thought your
whole, like,

extreme pickle thing
was really cool,

When he was skydiving
and stuff--

Tom.
Let me tell you something.

If you think I care
about Power Pickle,

you're sorely mistaken,
okay?

I can think up ideas
like that in my sleep.

And someday, when I'm
kicking ass in Barcelona,

I'm gonna look back
on this whole campaign

as some sad,
pathetic little joke.

He said that?

I have no idea
what he was talking about.

There's this ad agency
in Barcelona called Idea.

They're, like, cutting-edge
Euro-geniuses.

Chip applied for a job there.

Nobody's supposed
to know about it,

but I saw him
mailing off a bunch

of Señor Tomato
figurines.

-That guy is out of his mind.
-Tell me about it.

He is great
in the sack, though.

How do you know?

Nancy slept with him
last Christmas.

She said it was
the best sex she ever had.

Apparently, he can, like,
balance on his arms

and then the angle
makes it intense

because you're sitting
really on top.

I really don't want to hear
about it, okay?

-What the hell?
-What?

Someone stole
the picture of my wife.

[doorbell rings]

-Sofia Kowalski!
-Abby March, wow!

Hey, it is so good
to see you.

-And who is this little guy?
-This is Oliver.

Petey--

Petey,

do you want
to give Oliver a hug?

Hmm? Yeah?

Oh, that's a big yes.

Oh, yes.

Loves.

Oh. Loves.

Loves for your
new friend, oh.

Theapana asana
aids in digestion

and helps with gas
and constipation.

Shall we get permission?

-[all whispering]
-[babies fussing]

[indistinct chatter]

Did you need some?

Um...

It's bag balm.

Dairy farmers use it
as a moisturizer for cow udders.

It is the best thing
in the world for sore nipples.

It's wonderful.

Right.

[Bob]
Tom, look at this lamp.

Wollebin just gave this to me
to thank me for hiring you.

-Wow.
-You know,

it hasn't been exactly
smooth for me

since he took over.

Anyway, I just want
to tell you that

I think you're
doing a great job, son.

Well, thank you...

-Dad.
-Have you seen my whales?

What?

Have I showed you
my whales?

No.

Sometimes I just sit
in here and stare at them.

-[whales calling]
-[Bob] It's so peaceful.

I even give them names.

That one-- Ow! Fuck!

-Are you okay?
-That lamp is hotter than shit!

-[Oliver crying]
-Shh, come on, buddy.

[shushing]

-After you.
-Hi.

Hello, wife.

Hello, child.

-Daddy's home.
-He's been like this all day.

Oh, no! What's wrong,
cranky bear?

Hey, little bear.

-[stops crying]
-Hi.

Gotta be kidding me.

-What's with the bike?
-Hot, right?

Wollebin asked me to go
mountain biking with him.

He asked me right after
he put me in charge

of the Pickle Whip campaign.

$1,200?

Babe, a bike like that
should cost $1,500.

Try and bend those rims.

Try. Kick 'em.
You can't bend those rims.

They're called
high-performance rims.

Honey, you've never been
mountain biking in your life.

Look, if you want me to return
the bike, I'll return the bike.

I want you to return the bike.

No, I'm not going to return
the bike

because I think physical fitness
is important,

and I think it's good
for my career.

My day was terrible.

This girl I hated
in high school came over

and made me go
to her baby group

and everyone called me
a bad mommy.

You're an amazing mommy.

Daddy gets to go mountain
biking with Wollebin.

Chip can't go
mountain biking.

-Tom.
-It was a joke.

I don't think making fun
of people's handicap is funny.

It was a joke.

Asleep in under five minutes.

Daddy's got the magic touch.

So what does Wesley get out of
this whole Pickle Whip thing?

I already got him
to sign a release.

He gets $1,000 if the ad airs.

What are you doing?

It's bag balm, Tom.
They use it for cow's udders.

"Rub on udders."
Wow.

I don't know, sweetie. It just
feels like the whole thing's

a little exploitative
of Wesley.

Oh, I get it.

I think I see
what's happening.

Somebody's a little jealous.

-What?
-Oh, come on.

You're used
to being the star,

and now I'm in
the limelight a little bit.

It's probably
driving you crazy. Admit it.

Admit it.

-Score a touchdown.
-Not gonna happen, Tom.

Use the bag balm.

Jack, good to see you again.
How are you?

Please meet Tom Reilly.

He's been helping me out
on the campaign.

[Irish accent] Reilly, is it?

Do you have Irish blood
in you by any chance?

[Irish accent] Me father's
father was an Irishman,

so I have a wee bit
of the leprechaun in me.

Are you making fun of me?

[normal voice]
No, I'm sorry. I--I--

I thought that was
a fake accent.

-Why?
-I don't know.

I don't know.

That was unfortunate.

Jack, you're gonna
love the new campaign.

Let's jump right in.

[gulps]

I mean, is that something?

Is that incredible or what?

When I saw that kid,
I said, "That's it."

We've all just said hello
to the new face of Pickle Whip.

-Well done, Chip.
-Thanks so much, Jack.

So sorry, but you're gonna
all have to excuse me.

Jack.
[whispers]

-Oh, certainly, of course.
-Great.

[Chip] And, Tom,
do us a favor, please,

and present the market-
penetration strategy.

Market-penetration
strategy.

Something that's very important
to today's youth market...

penetration.

Let's stick with long-range,

because that way we know
we're gonna maximize "p"--

profit.

Isn't "p" price?

You're thinking
of uppercase.

This is a lowercase "p".

Write that down.
Here we go.

Next slide.

That's just "J" and "Q".

There they are. Next slide.

Have you talked to Chris
about the penetration strategy?

-Chris?
-Chris Caldwell.

[Woman] Your director
of market research.

Oh, "Chris" Chris.

"Chris" Chris. Yes.

I talked to him this morning.
He loves it.

Chris Caldwell is a woman.

Yes.

Why did you say "he"?

It's a little joke we have.

Everybody calls Chris
a "he" because...

she looks like a man.

She had a little mustache.

But it's gone.

She-- She-- She waxed it.

She looks great.
If you guys see her,

you got to tell her
how good she looks

'cause we're all...
we're all proud of her.

[indistinct chatter]

Tom, sorry I had
to duck out.

How'd the rest
of the meeting go?

How do you think it went, Chip?

You left me high and dry
in there.

I'm sorry.
I had a medical emergency.

Yeah, right.
What kind of emergency?

Well, I don't really enjoy
talking about it

in front of other people,
but if you must know,

I sometimes have a bladder
control problem, okay?

It's very embarrassing,
but it is

one of the things
that you have to deal with

when you're paralyzed
from the waist down.

[no audible dialogue]

[beeps]

[Bob] A toast!

You know, Tom,
to be honest,

for a long time, Amelia and I
have been wondering

how long it's gonna take you
to get your act together.

-Bob!
-Amelia, please!

It's taken you a while,

but you finally realized
who you are.

You're an ad man.

Tom Reilly.

Ad man.

[Tom] You look up
to me now, buddy.

When you get
a little bit older,

you're gonna realize
that your dad

has absolutely no idea
what he's doing.

I don't want to go
back out there.

I don't want
to go back out there,

so how about you and me,

we're just gonna sit in here
until you crap your pants again.

Okay?

Are you okay?

Yeah, why?

Chip said you blew up
at him today.

What? He called you?

He called me because
he was worried about you.

He said you were
acting kind of hostile.

I'm acting hostile?

Oh, my God. [scoffs]

Jack Connor tore me
a new asshole this morning.

What the hell
is the matter with you?

Bob, moushiwake, okay?
But Chip hung me out to dry.

Jack said that you
made fun of his mother

-for having a mustache!
-That's not true.

I said Chris Caldwell
had a mustache.

Chris Caldwell doesn't
have a mustache!

I thought Chris Caldwell
was a man

because Chris
is often a man's name.

Three creatives came
to me this morning

and said that you were
humiliating Chip

about his disability.

Chip is trying to sabotage me.

Chip is trying to mentor you!

He came to me and said,

"how can I help him?"

Oh, don't you see?

That's part of his plan.

He's like a mind-game genius,
that guy.

You know, you may not care

that I put my job on the line
to get you hired,

but you moved your family
1,000 miles for this.

You've got to pull
yourself together.

We're just
washing our hands.

I just put him down for a nap.

I'm desperate for a little
grownup talk.

Did De Palma
come back to you?

Yeah, we got a court date.

No, no, no, the other file.

Honey, I'm so sorry.
It's crazy here.

-Can I call you later?
-Sure.

Tom, wait up.
Sorry about that back there.

-Rough times, huh?
-Yeah.

Hey, looks like someone
could use

a good listener,
buddy, huh?

I just don't think I fit
into this place, Manny.

-I've been there, man.
-You?

You are Sunburst.
What are you talking about?

You think so, huh?

The second I bought this
little guy,

it made me feel
a whole lot more hip.

-Want to try it on?
-No, no, no.

Why don't you keep it?
Because that's yours.

It's not really
a hipness thing. I just...

I'm not getting along
with Chip at all,

and that's really starting

to mess up my relationship
with my wife.

Well, I think today's
your lucky day.

I'm studying to be
a marriage counselor.

-Really?
-Yeah.

I thought it would be
a great way to meet women.

And men.

Oh, wow. I guess
that increases your odds, huh?

Yeah. You know, I like
having sex with women,

but men are better cuddlers,
you know what I mean?

Sure. Sure I do.

Well, at this point, Manny,
I would try anything.

I tell you,
I love my wife so much,

but I don't even know
how to talk to her anymore.

You know? How am I supposed
to tell her I'm miserable

when she's so happy here?

[all laughing]

Sofia, remember
that the laughter

starts deep within

and then just comes
ro-ho-ho-ho-olling out.

Ha-ha-ha!

Yeah, I really only laugh

when something funny happens.

I've noticed that Oliver
isn't very happy.

-He never smiles.
-He smiles all the time.

He just isn't smiling
right now.

Now you're not gonna
like this, Sofia,

but you are
a very unhappy person,

and I don't think
it's good for Oliver.

You're not going to
like this either, Abby,

but you're an idiot.

And your son Petey
is a dipshit.

It's okay.

-[Oliver crying]
-I know, sweetie. Here.

♪ It's Professor Polar Bear,
it's Professor Polar Bear ♪

-♪ It's Professor Polar Bear. ♪
-[horn honks]

Let's start by taking
a nice deep breath.

Just relax, okay?

[telephone ringing]

Mom!

Mom, answer the phone!

So sorry. Mom!

Answer the phone
and don't come down here.

I'm having a session.

[ringing continues]

Many of the exercises
I'm studying

are a little New Age-y,

so I hope you guys'll
just trust me and roll with it.

-Sure.
-Sure, Manny.

Great.
Let's start by...

holding each other's genitals.

-Okay, I'm leaving.
-What?

No, not holding, poking.

You're not poking anything.

Baby, he's kidding.
Tell me you're kidding.

I'm kidding.

Just want to lighten the mood,
that's all.

Lightening the mood.
Come on.

That's all it is.

Okay, you know what?
don't sit down.

I've got an exercise.

This is called
"I'm upset that..."

It's a great way to get
to the root of hurt feelings.

You'll each complete
the sentence "I'm upset that..."

and then tap each other
with the bat, okay?

Sofia, you go first.

I'm upset that you bought
that mountain bike.

Now tap him. Boom.

Good. Tom.

I'm upset that...

we haven't had sex
in a long time.

I'm upset that
you didn't get the chance

to have an eight-pound baby
shoot out of your vagina.

Maybe then you'd understand.

Good. That's great.

I'm upset
that you banged Chip!

-You banged Chip?
-No.

-Yes.
-I'm upset

that you just told him
I banged Chip.

Ow!

You're not supposed
to hit people in the face.

I'm upset that you talked me
into coming here!

don't hit me anymore,
please.

-Please don't hit me anymore.
-[whipping sound]

No, that was helpful.

Look what I grabbed
on the way out.

I love you so much.

-I love you too.
-But are you happy?

You can tell me.

-I--
-[cell phone rings]

Wait, that might
be the babysitter.

Hello.

So I'm looking through
the 1989 Tiger's Paw,

and I see a picture
of a very pretty girl

-in a Yaz T-shirt.
-Yeah, you know what?

I can't really talk right now.
Can I call you back later?

"Chipwich,

"thanks for making the last
four years so awesome.

2 cool 2b 4-gotten."

Boy, those words have
gotten me

through some
pretty tough times.

[slow electronica
playing on laptop]

I got you.

Got you now, you freak.

Oh my God.

Tom-- Tom is a man
with vision,

and I want him in that meeting.

Take this down to video tech

-first thing in the morning.
-Yes.

I want them
to put the tag on it

-and then make dubs.
-Dubs.

Okay, all right.

[Bob mimicking whale call]

Careful.

[horn honks]

Hey, hey, buddy!

Just the man
I wanted to see!

We're going to do that cool
hamburger trick again, buddy.

-I can't.
-What are you talking about?

Sure you can.

-I don't eat meat anymore.
-What?

I saw this show yesterday
about how they made meat.

It's all about killing animals.

You became
a vegetarian yesterday?

Yeah. So what?

All right, cool, whatever.

We'll get you a veggie burger.

Nah.

Wesley,

you'll get to be famous.

Like Harry Potter or Urkel.

Tom, it's not gonna happen.
End of discussion.

Don't be an idiot, Wesley.

-Give it to me.
-It's mine!

Now you'll get it back
when you eat a hamburger.

-Hey, come here!
-Help!

Wesley. Wesley!

Wesley, I'm not done
talking to you!

Can I help you?

[Tom] Hey.

I just moved in next door.

Nice to meet you. Just talking
to Wesley. He's great.

-[Sofia] Tom.
-Yeah.

Were you just yelling
at Wesley?

I need you to talk
to that kid.

His priorities
are out of line.

What are you talking about?

I accidentally taped over
the video of Wesley.

We got to get him
to eat another burger.

Honey, if he doesn't want
to do it, find somebody else.

Sure, honey. I'll just get one
of the other kids on the block

who can swallow
a hamburger in one bite.

I'm sure there's not
a gag reflex on the block.

Okay, you gotta calm down.
You're acting crazy.

I'm acting crazy?
That little twerp--

[knock on door]

Could you get that?

Hi. I believe your husband
has my son's skateboard.

[indistinct chatter]

[radio chatter]

[Fireman] Let's open up
some windows over there.

Tom, you are not
going to believe this.

Bob left the Wesley tape
on his desk and we lost it.

Ah-ah! No shoes
on the prayer mat.

We found the culprit.

Somebody left the bulb
touching a stack of paper.

[Don] Damn it!

Jesus Christ, Bob.

-It was just an accident.
-No, no, no, no.

It's been a series
of mistakes, Tom.

Earlier this week,
he cost us a major account.

Could have been
the next Smith & Hawken.

Don, I can fix this.

I can fix it. All I got to do
is get Wesley on tape again.

Trust me. I can fix it.

Go for help now. Go!

[Tom] I'm not gonna
hurt you, Wesley.

I just want to talk to you.

Look what I got.

$1,000 from my very
own bank account, huh?

For you!
What do you say?

My lawyer said I can't
talk to you, dude.

-Your lawyer?
-Hey, get away from the kids!

-Get away from the kids!
-I'm just talking to him!

-Get away from the kids!
-[screaming]

-[Wesley] Come on, pick 'em up!
-[Tom] What, are you crazy?!

I know.
I can't believe it either.

I will.

Wait, Mom. Tom just got home.
Let me call you right back.

My dad got fired.

What? [sighs]

I told him to wait.
I was going to fix everything.

He got blamed
for some kind of fire.

Oh my God.
It's not about that.

You see, the Wesley video got
destroyed in the fire, so--

The Wesley video?

What?

You told me you taped over
the Wesley video.

I know, and what I'm trying
to explain to you

is that it wasn't one thing.

But Wollebin knows that
the tape thing

wasn't my dad's fault, right?

Sofia, it's a very
complicated situation.

Did you tell him or not?
Yes or no?

It wouldn't have
made a difference!

I don't believe you.

You know what, Sofia?

If you'd helped me get Wesley
to redo the video

instead of taking his side,

none of this would have
happened.

Are you insane?

Your dad was gonna
get fired anyway!

Do you want me to volunteer
to get fired too?

I tried to fix it.

It didn't work. I'm sorry.

I'm doing all of this
for you, Sofia.

Everything.
You have it so easy.

You get to hang out
with Oliver all day

You think I like
what I'm doing?

You think I like
that stupid job? I hate it!

I am completely miserable!

-Sofia.
-I'm going to my parents'.

Call me when you calm down.

Sweet ride, Tom. And I thought
this thing was a poon magnet.

What the hell are you
doing here, Chip?

I was just
in the neighborhood.

Did I see Sofia leaving
with a suitcase?

-Don't worry about it.
-Is it work, Tom?

'Cause I have heard
that you've blown your way

through quite a few jobs,

and the one thing
about women

is that they can smell
failure a mile away.

-It's not work, okay?
-Is it sexual?

Is there a midget
living in the basement?

If there is, they are selling
the pump on the internet,

-But I do not know if it works.
-I don't need a pump.

The thought of Sofia
alone and vulnerable--

I don't like it.

I swear to God, Chip,

if you go anywhere
near my wife, I will--

What are you gonna do, Tom?

You gonna catch us
on your hidden camera?

How do you know about that?

-Let's drag.
-[tires screech]

How do you know about that?

Son of a bitch.

Chip.

Chip!

I could not make it
up the steps.

Hope I'm not imposing.

Ugh.

[laughter]

Well, it's not easy swimming
with just your arms,

especially when the water's
just 38 degrees.

I can't believe
you're still alive.

Always been
a risk taker, Sofia.

I do like to test the limits.

[Amelia] Chip, you fill
this house with warmth,

and we can really use that
right now.

It isn't just that
Bob got fired,

but Tom and Sofia
are having a really difficult--

-Mom, Mom.
-Well, you have.

-Anyway.
-Anyway, I rented a movie.

I've got it in my saddlebag.

I was gonna go home,
watch it alone.

Love to share it,
if you guys are up to it.

-You want to see a movie?
-Sure, Chip.

Make yourself comfortable.

I have some things to do
in the bathroom.

-Okay.
-[Oliver fussing]

[Woman on TV] I want you.

[Woman] What do I do?

[Man] Everything.

[whispering] That's me.

[doorbell rings]

Sofia, I need to talk to you.

Listen,

you have every right
to be upset with me.

Sweetie, I'm not angry.
I just think--

Let me finish.
Let me finish, okay?

I finally figured it out.

I didn't put the wrong tape
in the camera.

-Chip switched it.
-What?

I was right all along, baby.

He's been trying to sabotage
me since day one

and now I have proof.
You can see his face

in the reflection
of my computer monitor.

-Hi, Tom.

What's he doing here?

What are you doing
with my son?

-Get the baby away from him!
-Tom, cool it!

Why don't you take the baby?

Did you come over here
to get with my wife, Hot Wheels?

-[both] Tom!
-Hot Wheels?

Chip came over 'cause he
heard Dad got fired.

And how did that happen? Huh?

The same way my chair
got shorter?

The same way gay porn
got put on my computer?

-You had everybody fooled,
didn't you, you "cripple"?

-Tom!
-That's enough.

Poor me! I'm in a wheelchair!
Everybody feel sorry for me

and has sex with me
'cause I can't use my legs.

Or can he?

He can walk. I have proof.

What's that?

Get up, you faker.

You can walk.
Let's show them how you walk.

Tom, stop it!
What are you doing?

-[Bob] Tom, what are you doing?
-He plays tennis.

Tom, you're gonna hurt him!

-Dad, do something!
-Come on!

Tom, have you
lost your mind?

-Tom, what are you doing?
-Tom, the man can't walk!

-Oh, yeah? Let's find out!
-Oh, no!

[screaming]

-He's dead!
-I'm okay.

This isn't Chip. It's Danny.

-Danny?
-He's Chip's twin brother!

He died in an accident
about five years ago.

He was my hero.

Tom, get down here!
Out of the house!

-Out of the house! Out!
-Tom!

I found-- I found it!

-I saw his--
-Tom, out!

I saw his reflection
in my computer monitor.

-[Bob] out!
-Out!

For God's sakes, Tom,

what the hell
is the matter with you?

You just threw a disabled man
down a flight of stairs.

Moushiwake, Bob.

Obviously I was wrong
about the cripple thing.

But he's the one responsible
for you getting fired.

What the hell is wrong
with you?

You could have just killed him.

Sofia.

I think you should go.

-Ow!
-[cat yowls]

Stupid--

[gears grinding]

-Are you sure you're okay?
-I'm fine.

What I'm really worried about
is you.

I can tell
that you're not happy,

and I think that it might be

because you're
on the wrong track.

I don't-- I don't know.

Maybe it's because
you're still looking

for something that
you haven't found yet.

You know, I mean...

I know that I am.

You know, I mean,
everybody thinks

that I've got everything,
you know?

The Ohio
Advertiser of the Year

and probably be hired
to go to Barcelona soon,

but I don't have anybody I can
share that with, you know?

And the one person

that really does it for me

is a girl that I met
back in high school.

We are the Tigers,

and we're not cocky.

We'll run you... Kawasaki.

You know what I mean?

I've still got your panties

from that time that--

Okay, Chip. It's time to go.

Okay, it's tough to hear.
I get it.

Stay the hell away
from my wife, Chip.

I got a news flash
for you, Sparky.

Your wife's gone.
She's way out of your league,

and she's finally realized it,
okay? It's over.

Easy! Huh?

You think I can't defend myself
just 'cause I'm in a wheelchair?

-[whimpers]
-No, I know hapkido!

That's for stealing
my yogurt, douche.

You know what the worst part
is for me, Chip?

You're a horrible person.

I mean, there is
just nobody worse.

And yet, because of what
you had to deal with

being in that chair,

I actually still feel guilty
for hating you.

You know what I hate most
about you, Tom?

It's not your gay voice.

Probably thought I was
gonna say your gay voice.

Actually, no, but thank you.

It's that you're weak.

I've defeated you

in every possible way.

I neutered you at work.

I've turned your in-laws
against you.

And I'd say I'm at most
three days away

from mounting
your slutty wife again,

and you've got the gall
to pity me.

Yeah.

I guess I do.

Don't.

It's a miracle. He can stand.

I knew it!

Aah! Ohh!

Get off of me!

-[grunting]
-Get off of me!

[shouting]

And you banged my wife

with that giant uncircumcised
anteater!

I can't breathe, Tom.

[grunt]

Why the hell would you
spend your entire life

pretending to be paralyzed?
What's wrong with you?

You ever try to park at the mall
during Christmas?

Or do you have any idea
how much easier it is

to get sympathy sex
when you can't walk?

You're a sociopath.

Oh, don't get the wrong idea.

I actually needed that chair
for a while.

When I was 14, I got

into a surprisingly violent
hacky sack accident,

and then, a few weeks later,
I came out here for high school.

Decided I'd milk it
a little bit.

Do you think I'm not
gonna tell everyone

that's ever met you,
you freak?

You just threw an innocent
handicapped guy

down the stairs.
No one's gonna believe you.

And you know, you were just
at a very distinct advantage

just then when you threw me
to the ground.

All of my martial arts training

has been
from a seated position.

-[shouts]
-[groans]

Give it up, chief.
You're never gonna win.

Ohh!

See you at school tomorrow.

[ringing]

Hello.

[Man]
Is this señor Chip Sanders?

-What?
-My name is Juan Castaneda

de los Cojones del Mono.

I am the executive
vice president of Idea,

the ad agency in Barcelona.

You sent to us your résumé.

Yes! Hello.
Hola. ¿Cómo está?

Very good. Thank you very much.
Will you indulge me,

please, sir, for one moment
and allow me to say

to you that your work
is absolutely genius?

Señor Tomato is,
in a word, spectacular.

Yes, yes. Thank you.
Gracias.

You are very welcome.
I come to the point.

You, sir, are being chosen
for the position

of director creativo.

Can you fly to Barcelona
imediamente, please?

Sure! Sí, gracias.

Super. Definitivamente.

-[answering machine beeps]
-Tom, Wollebin here.

We set up a meeting
with that Wesley kid,

but you probably know
all about it,

seeing as your wife
is his lawyer.

Screw it.
I'm gonna send Chip.

Shit!

Bob.

Have you seen Sofia?

No, I went to buy more Scotch.

When I got back, she was gone.
You all right?

Bob, there's something
I have to tell you.

The Wesley tape wasn't
destroyed in the fire.

I accidentally
taped over it.

Sofia told me last night.

I told her the same thing
I'll say to you.

The only person responsible
for me losing my job is me.

I also started the fire.

It was an accident.

I wasn't aware.

Are you okay?

I bent over backwards

to sell Wollebin's vision,

and I, you know...

I knew in the back
of my mind it was bullshit.

-It is bullshit, Bob.
-It is.

-Screw him.
-Screw him!

Screw him!

[sighs] You're all right, kid.

You're all right.

Sofia's getting
ice cream with Chip

At Eddie's Sweets.

Thank you, Bob.

Oh, Jesus, Tom!
You gotta take a shower.

I'm sorry.

Go get her, son!

[Boy] Hey, five bucks

to whoever can knock
that tool off his bike!

[mocking laugh]

These rims aren't
supposed to bend.

Okay, Wesley.

You just sign there
at the bottom of the paper.

You're about to be a very
rich young man, okay?

Try not to get the fudge
on the contract.

-Don't do it, Wesley.
-Oh, good. Tom's here.

Tom, what happened to you?

Will everyone just please listen
to me for one second?

Okay, Sofia, Wesley...

Wesley's dad.

Sofia,

I know on paper I'm not
the most ideal husband.

I'm selfish,
I can't hold down a job,

and I think I may
have turned your father

into a problem drinker.

Still, one thing you
said you loved about me

is that I could smell
bullshit a mile away.

Well, this guy, Sofia,
is filled with bullshit.

He's a sociopath,
and more importantly,

baby, he can stand.
I have seen it.

He can't fight
while he's standing,

but he can stand.

Fortunately for me

that there's no stairs here

if you want to try
to prove your point again.

Baby, I know it's hard.

But I need you to believe this.

I need you to believe me.

Tom, why would I pretend
to be handicapped--

-[phone rings]
-...my entire life?

Just so I can park at the mall
at Christmas?

Hello.

Uno momento,
por favor, señor.

This is my dream job
in Spain, okay?

They're calling to make
the final travel arrangements.

It's the actual reason
that I came.

I don't really care
much about Wesley.

Hey, uncool.

Less words.

I have one question.
Sofia-- sí, sí--

do I have them buy me
one plane ticket to Spain...

or dos?

You know what, Chip?

I think you're weird
and creepy,

and if you think
I'd ever choose you

over the love of my life,

you're the most delusional man
on the face of the earth.

That would be uno tiquito,
por favor.

Thank you.

Sweetie, you couldn't
lose me if you tried.

And you've been trying
pretty hard lately.

[Chip] Momento.

So I guess this is adiós.

Oh, my God.

Ta-da.

Holy shit.

Sofia, you should know

the night that we made love,
I faked my orgasm.

Tom, you're never
gonna beat me,

and I'm gonna send you

a pretty little postcard
from Barcelona.

Señor, if it's all
the same with you,

I'd like to travel tonight.
Andale.

[fake Castilian accent]
Of course, Señor Chip.

I will have Barcelona's
longest limousine

awaiting your arrival.

And after your beauty rest,

I make big party for you
with beautiful chicks.

-Fantástico.
-[phone beeps off]

Everything all settled?

Yeah. Of course.
Best of luck.

Good luck to you, Chip.

Good luck to me?
I don't need luck, Tom.

You need the luck.
You're the sorry idiot

that's gonna be stuck
living in Ohio

the rest of your life

working in the most boring
ad agency

in the world.

I'm going to Spain.
Spain, Tom, Spain.

I'm taking this
little walk and roll show

on tour. Yeah.

[whooping]

They're not gonna see
what hit them!

-You know what I mean?
-[horn honks]

[rock music playing]

The folks at Lion's Pride
were all set

to spend tons of money
to try and get you to eat

their new hamburger spread
Pickle Whip.

They even went so far as to hire
pro skater Tony Hawk

to put on a pickle costume
to do rad skateboarding tricks.

The only problem was, once Tony
was in his pickle costume,

he couldn't see very well.

[Tony] Ohh!

To be honest, it's just
tartar sauce on a hamburger.

But I got to tell you,
it tastes really good.

[gulp]

And cut.

Great job, Wesley.
What did you think, Bob?

I love it. It's honest,
no bullshit.

And the kid's a natural.

Take five, buddy.

Come on, babe.

I'll be in my trailer.

Somebody should get that girl
some pants.

Listen, Bob, I cannot
thank you enough

for flying out here to help me
start my own company.

You're an ad man, Tom,
and you're fabulous.

I brought you a present
from Ohio.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

The yes ball.

I'm kidding.

Oh.

Why would I give you
my yes ball?

[music]

There's my two favorite boys.

Hey, fatso. Hi. Hi.

So, baby, I've got to be
at deposition downtown

by 9:30.

I've got breakfast in the oven.

Be ready in 15 minutes.

I really can't be late.

Chocolate croissant.

What's 15 minutes?

I know how we can spend
six of those minutes.

Six minutes?

You really think
you can last that long?

I can last seven and a half.

-What do you think of that?
-[laughs]

♪ Maybe you could
telephone ♪

♪ Maybe I could meet you
in the morning ♪

♪ Call me
if you're on your own ♪

♪ Maybe I could meet you
in the morning... ♪

[Sofia squeals]

[man vocalizing]

♪ Mornings 11,
the feelings are severed ♪

♪ I can't feel
anything at all ♪

-♪ But I would ♪
-♪ Die for you ♪

-♪ Oh, I would ♪
-♪ Die for you ♪

Hola, señor.
¿Dónde está el rampo?

¿Señor? Señor, hola.

Chip Sanders,
new creative director.

I need to get
inside the building.

You see, I've broken
both my legs.

Is that tough to see?
Guess what.

Old Chiperoo's gonna
take care of things himself.

This is what a man
who needs help looks like.

Don't worry. Are you late for
an appointment or something?

Is that what it is?
You must be late.

How about this door?
Can I just get this one?

Th-There's no mistake at all.

I don't-- Sir,
I work on the fourth floor.

It's Chip Sanders.

I-- Please don't break
my arms, too.

Just lift me up
and place me back in my chair.

♪ You're in denial ♪

♪ You're in denial,
and I don't ♪

♪ Well, what's my name? ♪

♪ Well, what's my name? ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Maybe you could
telephone ♪

♪ Maybe I could meet you
in the morning ♪

♪ Call me
if you're on your own ♪

♪ Maybe I could meet you
in the morning ♪

♪ You're in denial... ♪

♪ This time of night
I could call you up ♪

♪ I'd get angry
with athletic ease ♪

♪ Break common laws
in twos and threes ♪

♪ If I die clutching
your photograph ♪

♪ don't call me boring ♪

♪ It's just 'cause I like you ♪

♪ Oh, take me on back,
take me on back ♪

♪ Take me back to the place ♪

♪ Where I could feel
your heart ♪

♪ Is this the end or just
the start of something ♪

♪ Really, really beautiful ♪

♪ Wrapped up and disguised ♪

♪ As something really,
really ugly? ♪

♪ Won't you ♪

♪ Come by and see me?
I'm a love letter away ♪

♪ I'd break your name
before I'd say ♪

♪ I really love you,
love you ♪

♪ No, I don't care
if you saw ♪

♪ I watched every inch
of film ♪

♪ Flash across
your roman features ♪

♪ And I loved it,
loved it ♪

♪ No, I don't care if ♪

♪ You think I'm eager
to shut your eyes ♪

♪ Well, I'm sorry
everybody knows ♪

♪ You can't break me
with your gutter prose ♪

♪ Would you believe it?
She sent me a letter ♪

♪ The ring, it nearly
weighs her down ♪

♪ She's got another boy,
oh, boy ♪

♪ Ready your ears,
steady your ears ♪

♪ And read my lips ♪

♪ Poetry is not a luxury ♪

♪ It's how
I'll break this home ♪

♪ And when I'm really ill ♪

♪ Won't you cradle me? ♪

♪ Man is not a noble animal ♪

♪ But maybe woman is ♪

♪ Remember, I heard you ♪

♪ Inside your room, you said
you'd never really live ♪

♪ Until your back's
against the wall ♪

♪ Oh, did you
really mean it? ♪

♪ No, I never break
my gaze ♪

♪ If just to see this scar
remain reflected in your eyes ♪

♪ I think it's time
to go home ♪

♪ Marianne, let the ghosts
sleep tonight ♪

♪ Marianne,
let the ghosts sleep ♪

♪ Just shut your eyes
and burn the past ♪

♪ Marianne, let the ghosts
sleep tonight ♪

♪ Marianne,
let the ghosts sleep ♪

♪ Just shut your eyes
and burn the past ♪

♪ Marianne, let the ghosts
sleep tonight ♪

♪ Marianne,
let the ghosts sleep ♪

♪ Just shut your eyes
and burn the past ♪

♪ Marianne, let the ghosts
sleep tonight ♪

♪ Marianne,
let the ghosts sleep ♪

♪ Just shut your eyes
and burn the past away. ♪

[woman vocalizing]

[vocalizing continues]

[Mario Batali on TV] So make
sure that you understand, when

you're chopping things up...

in the way that those
people to the north of Italy...

(indistinct)

(Oliver cries)

[Tom] That's the kid. Let's go.

(over TV)
But they don't mind chopping

(continues indistinct)

(overlapping, indistinct yells)

[Paco] People are out of
their minds.

Hey, Tom! You got to come
see this guy.

(TV in Spanish)

What?

You missed it.

It's coming.