The Erotic Adventures of the Three Musketeers (1992) - full transcript

(dramatic music)

- Halt.

Guard you had been expecting us.

- [Prisoner] Water.

(yells)

- [Prisoner] Bastille.

- Hot?

- Yes sir.

(muffled groans)

- Iron becomes him.

Do you agree captain?



(heavy breathing)

- Ah Duke, you have come.

Somehow I didn't think you would come.

- When one is summoned
by the Queen of France

one makes it ones business to come.

How may I help you my lady?

- Well,

as the Ambassador of England

I'd like to take this
opportunity to welcome you

to France personally.

- I'm deeply honored,

but is this customary for all visitors?

- Well usually it is the
King or the Cardinal.

In fact it is very unusual



for me to be alone with a gentleman.

- I see.

Then why was I summoned here?

- I just wanted to see if it were true.

- If what was true?

- What they say about your eyes.

- And what do they say?

- That they sparkle like

sapphires from the Orient.

- [Desmond] Do they?

- I'm afraid they do.

- What a shame, such a
beautiful Queen with no--

- No what?

- No mate.

(dramatic music)

- Meet me later.

- When?

- Tomorrow.

I'll send me servants away.

- The Duke?

The Queen.

Like sampling a foreign tongue huh?

- Oh I don't know.

Is it to much?

- Your Majesty it's most definitely you.

Especially bad lace perhaps?

- Thank you darling.

Oh.

That'll be all Prudence.

- Yes your Majesty.

- What is it this time Fallwell,

what is it this time?

- Excuse the interruption sire,

but it's about the Queen.

- Now what has she done?

- I'm quite concerned about her

transgressions.

- Well give her two hail Mary's

and a quick pat on the
bottom and she'll be fine.

- Sire her sins are far
more serious than that.

They are sins of the flesh.

- The flesh?

- Excuse my frankness,

but the Queen is cuckholding you.

She is involved in illicit
episodes of wanton debauchery.

Prurient lust.

- Well you see I don't,

I mean (laughs).

We don't you know.

- Regardless of that fact sire,

the Queen is making a fool of you.

The people are talking

and they're saying if
you can't control her

how can you control the country?

I fear that she flirts with treason.

- Treason?
(gasps)

Not my queenie.

Do you have proof of this?

- Proof is what you want?

Proof is what you shall get.

(peppy music)

- Fine by me Alexandra.

(mumbles)

Arm up.

Good.

Eyes on me darling.

Alexandra you're fighting like a girl.

Good.

Eyes on me.

You have my heart Alexandra.

- Again?

What else do I have besides your heart?

(romantic music)

- You have my soul,

my mind.

You have my body.

- Yeah, go on.

- Let me just do this.

(soft moaning)

(dramatic music)

- [Man] Aramis look we have more water.

- [Aramis] Ah water.

- [Man] I am so thirsty.

(dramatic music)

- Ah yes.

Come on pigs, let's go.

- [Man] Aramis shall we not at least wait

for the horses to be well rested?

- I don't wanna wait.

- Aramis is to worried to go to Paris.

He's got a lady in Britain.

- Yes well we all know that

and is there anything wrong with it?

God.

- Athos would not stand for this.

Not from a musketeer.

- Athos is dead and all I want
is a stinking frigid beer,

is that too much to ask?

- Fine then.

If we ride let us ride for liberty.

- Equality.

- Oh not this again.

Honey.

- Honey?

- No, cunny?

- No it's fraternity.

Liberty, equality, fraternity.

Jesus.
- Whatever.

- Aramis can't you get it right one time?

(dramatic music)

- Oh.

- [Musketeer] Excuse us fair lady,

I hope we did not frighten you.

- [Musketeer] It is not
safe for a woman like you

to be in the woods by yourself.

- [Aramis] Yes but you could also meet up

with all kinds of riffraff.

- I'm just going to the
well to draw some water sir.

- But still it is very dangerous.

A woman like you could meet up with

all kinds of harm.

You might even

be ravished.

- [Catherine] Ravished?

- Yes and worse.

- I was fetching some water
as I do every morning.

- A beautiful girl like

like?

- Catherine.

My name is Catherine.

- Ah Catherine.

Catherine.

- [Catherine] Yes sir?

- I just wanted to speak
your name that's all.

(romantic music)

- [Musketeer] Come Aramis.

Let us ride now if we plan
to make Paris by nightfall.

- [Aramis] Take this.

- What's this?

- [Aramis] It is a token of my esteem.

Something so that you will

not forget me.

- You're rather unforgettable sir.

And these markings?

- They are the King's
insignia for the musketeers.

- You mean you're a?

- Yes.

Aramis at your service.

- My lord.

- [Aramis] I must go.

(dramatic music)

- But I'll never succeed Byron.

You know as well as I that
there are no female musketeers.

- Not until now.

Here.

Here's 15 aque just to get you started

and a letter of recommendation.

You already have my sword and my love.

Go now.

- But I'll never--

- [Byron] Never say never.

Never run from a fight

never turn your back on the enemy

and never never submit to insult.

Except from the King or the Cardinal.

- Is it true what they say about the King?

- Yes, he's a kind soul though,

but beware of the Cardinal.

- But I thought he was harmless.

A man of the cloth.

- Under her his guise of holiness

beats the heart of a coldblooded killer.

The Cardinal will stop at nothing

to control France so beware.

And remember your allegiance
is to the king and queen only.

- But what of the musketeers?

- I admit it won't be
easy to join their ranks.

They're very suspicious of strangers.

Especially after Athos was murdered,

but I think they'll take a liking to you.

Now go.

Go.
(slaps)

(dramatic music)

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Oh lord no.

- Not even the lord can save you now.

(screams)

- No, no!

- Sir should we be doing this?

- Oh no.

- Not here, not now.

We must make haste back to the castle.

We have to try to catch her
with the Duke (mumbles).

(screams)

Let's go.

- Some ale for you sir?

Oh, there's fresh mutton in the back.

(peppy music)
(chatter)

- You know something?

This woman's gorgeous.

Just so gorgeous.

She's a lady.

A real lady.

- That she was, that she was,

but let me ask you.

- What?

- Would a peasant girl like that

lie with somebody like you?

- Oh Duke or Earl?

- It's both or neither.

Actually my real name's Desmond.

- Then.

Hurry.

Hurry.

- I'm hurrying,

but what about our husband?

- My husband?

What do you mean?

You want him too?

- No I mean what if he catches us?

- Oh, he won't catch us.

He's playing queen for the day
with my dressmaker Prudence.

- So I've heard.

- Knot, Duke.

- What?

Knot, oh I'm sorry.
- Knot.

- Oh there you go.

- I've missed you so Duke.

- And I you.

I can't wait to kiss your royal rump.

If I could find it.

- Getting closer.

Would you care to take this one off?

- Which one?

- The top one.

The black one.

- The black one.

Oh this one?

- Yes.

Oh now you're definitely

getting much closer.

- Another round sir?

- Absolutely.

Come here.

(laughs)

- Got a space there?

- Oh here take two mister drinker.

- I'm hungry too.

- Oh I think there's fresh mutton stew.

- I'll bring you some now sir.

(mumbles)

(laughs)

- Crazy sons of bitches.

Here we go.

- You're getting closer.

- This one?

- Yes, sort of.

Right there.

You got it.

- [Desmond] How many more are there?

- About five.

- [Desmond] Oh my God.

- [Queen] Keep doing that, yes.

- [Desmond] Okay wait don't move.

- Okay.

What took you so long?

- [Desmond] Another one?

- [Queen] Yes, we're getting close.

Yes.

- [Desmond] Okay.

- [Queen] How about your own jacket too?

- [Desmond] Okay.

- Take it off.

Take it off.

- Oh Queen.

Oh wait.

- [Queen] What are you doing?

Can you please hurry?

- Off with this garment.

- [Queen] Yes.

(laughs)

- Sir this isn't on the menu.

- Well then maybe it should be.

(laughs)

(screams)

- Another one.

Oh God.

- [Queen] One, two.

- Okay.

- [Queen] Yes.

- Oh what's this?

(mumbles)

Oh I don't wanna rip it.

Wait it's tied.

Okay.

Another one.

- [Queen] The King wears
these too, careful.

- One more, one more.

No it's two more.

Oh finally.

What's this?

- [Queen] What you don't like it?

- [Desmond] I hope you have a key.

Please tell me you have a key.

- [Queen] I do, I do.

- Such a big lock.

(light music)

Yes, yes, yes.

- Please.

- Don't tease me like this.

Which one?

No it's that one, I know.

Oh yeah.

- [Queen] You know the
King has one of these too?

- [Desmond] Does he?

I don't care about him.

(mumbles)

Oh come here.

- Oh yeah kiss my royal.

Oh my God yes.

Yes.

(speaking foreign language)

- Oh yeah, I forgot about these.

I got 'em.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, one more.

- What's this?

(groans)

- Yes.

Oh sir command me.

(moans)

Aramis.

(laughs)

Yes, (mumbles)

- He'll never know what he missed.

- Elizabeth, Elizabeth.

I love you, come with me.

- [Queen] What, go away from here?

It's not that bad.

- You're kidding.

He's no husband to you.

- [Queen] No he's more like

a younger sister.

- You know the Cardinal Fallwell

would like nothing better than
to see you in the Bastille.

- [Queen] What?

In jail?

On what charges?

- Treason?

Consorting with the enemy?

Me?

- You know I would

die a thousand deaths if I could feel your

manhood throbbing inside my
privates just once again.

- Really?

- No, but it sounds nice.

- My ship leaves for
England in a few hours.

I must go

but I implore you to give me something

to take with me.

Something I can wear close to my--

- Well the King wears my pantaloons,

but I've got something else.

How about this?

- My lady the king gave this
to you for your birthday

in front of the entire kingdom.

He was so proud of it.

- Yes but it doesn't really
mean anything to me unless

you wear it.

- I will wear it with honor.

- Good.

- I must go now.

- Alright.

- Until we meet again.

- Aye.

Fool what is the meaning of this?

- I was just looking for the king.

- Well he's not here.

- I can see that.

My apologies.

(sneaky music)

- Sir are you the proprietor
of this establishment?

- I am.

- Look I've come a long way.

I need a room and a hot bath.

- I can have one of the girls
fetch you a bowl of stew

but as for lodgings we
haven't got a spare spot.

- But I--

- My apologies, boy.

- I'm a girl.

(groaning and laughing)

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

- What, what, what?

- [Alexandra] I have a
letter of recommendation.

- I'm sure you're a fine wench.

But a letter of recommendation?

Go away.

I'm really sorry but we don't need

another musketeer, thank you very much.

- En garde!

(laughing)

- You've gotta be kidding.

- Are you afraid, Aramis, of a woman?

- Never!

Not bad, not bad.

Byron taught you well.

(laughing)

Yeah.

Pussy (mumbles).

- Are you calling me--

- A pussy!

- Aramis, beautiful.

- You must fight with
your head, not your heart.

Your swordwork is good, but
your form needs some work.

- Does that mean that I
get to be a musketeer?

- No.

- Aramis, (mumbles).

You're going to make her cry.

- Don't go and do that.

Look, you're really good, you really are,

and besides, you got a nice bottom too.

Look, musketeering is hard work.

Why would you want to be a musketeer?

The pay is little, the days
are long, the work is hard.

- I wanna be a musketeer!

I wanna be able to fight
for the king and queen!

I want to defend my country!

- You love the queen, then
why would you want to do this?

- Why?

Because I want to help people.

And I want to make my mark.

Do you understand?

- Come on, let's get out of here.

- She's been here for days.

She even sleeps on our doorstep.

- We could give her a job.

That of polishing our swords.

- Now D'Artagnan you have something there.

My sword has been needing a polishing

for a very long time.

- And there you have it.

I will make sure that she has
proper lodgings for tonight.

Let us go.

- Need a hand with that, missy?

- I don't think the lady needs any help.

- Who asked you anyways?

- Away with you, man.

- Have it your way.

(crashing)

- Thank you, my lord.

- [D'Artagnan] You know a
fair woman like yourself

should not be walking
these streets unescorted.

- I fear you're right.

I should be going now.

- Oh.

May I carry this or give you a hand?

- Thank you my lord, I
appear to have an escort now.

So what parts are you from?

- I am from all parts.

I am from all places.

I am a citizen of the world.

- [Prudence] And how do
you find our humble land?

- I find them very captivating.

Are these clothes going someplace special?

- Yes, they're going to the royal palace.

Where are you going?

- Oh, I am just seeking
some simple lodgings.

- Lodgings for a citizen of the world?

- You tease, my lady.

- I hear the miller has a room for rent.

- That is grand, then
we ride to the miller.

- [Prudence] I fear not, he's not at home.

- Oh, that is too bad, I mean
we only seek simple lodgings.

One for a young wayward
woman and a barn for myself

and two of my colleagues.

- When I'm finished I
shall take you there.

- That is grand, I hope
these lodgings are not far.

- Very close, above my shop.

- You are not the miller?

- No, the miller's wife, Prudence.

Dressmaker to the queen.

- Oh well then we share the same flag.

I am D'Artagnan, the king's musketeer.

I shall get my friends.

- [Prudence] It's a simple
room, but I trust you'll find

everything you need here.

- I am sure I will.

So tell me, fair lady, your
husband, is he not at home?

- Oh, no, he travels a great deal.

That's why we're going to have a lodger,

so I won't be alone.

- Very smart.

I can see harm coming to you,

such a beautiful lady living in such

a large house alone.

- I trust your friend will like the room.

- Oh, this is not for her, this is for me.

- But I thought--

- So did I!

- No, you shall be
sleeping with the others

in the barn.

- But Porthos, he snores, loudly.

- A true musketeer does not complain.

Now I shall be sleeping here, that is,

if the lady does not mind.

- But I do mind!

- I am speaking of the other lady.

- Sir, if it pleases you.

- Then there you have it.

Now, off with you, have a warm bed of hay.

I want you to have the horses ready

before we ride at dawn.

- Some of us may be
riding sooner than that.

(comical music)

(snoring)

(romantic music)

(comical music)

- Damnit!

A pox on you, D'Artagnan!

- [Miller] Prudence!

- Oh my god, it's my husband.

- I thought you said that he was away!

- He was away!

- [Miller] Prudence, where are you, woman?

- Hurry, D'Artagnan!

- What's this?

(dramatic music)

- Musketeers, quickly,
we must ready the horses!

- He's done it again.

- The cardinal will be
pleased that you could make it

from (mumbles).

I trust you had a good ride.

- Oh, the cardinal's coach was fine.

So exactly what does that despicable man

need me for this time?

- [Phillipe] Please don't
speak of my lord like that.

- [DeSummer] So where is he anyway?

- He's with the king.

I shall take you.

- Oh?

Then I shall let you take me.

- Please my lady, I'm a pious man.

- Fine, then I shall take myself.

(organ music)

A pious man, huh?

We'll see.

I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.

I would never want to do anything

that would get you into trouble.

- Please, my lady.

- Please what?

- I'm a pious man.

- Well it's not like you
can do that for a living.

What's wrong?

You seem like you've
never done this before.

- I haven't.

- You wouldn't lie to me, would you?

- No, no ma'am.

- Don't worry.

Just want you to be comfortable.

Is it always so warm in here?

- No.

- No?

Blow on my chest, it's hot.

Please.

It's perfectly innocent,
there couldn't possibly be

anything wrong with that.

- My lady (mumbles).

- Should I get closer to make it easier?

Don't you like what you see?

Yes.

Tell me the truth if it's so.

Do you like what you see?

- Yes.

- That's good.

Hate to think that I
disappointed you in some way.

- No.

- That's good.

Help me out of my dress.

- You know my lady, we really shouldn't.

- We haven't done anything.

You're being awfully
presumptuous, don't you think?

- My but it's warm in here.

- Is it?

Oh, yeah it is.

I can get the rest.

Are you nervous?

Do you often get nervous?

- No.

- No?

Too bad, I would have taken
you for the nervous type,

actually.

Much better, don't you think?

(giggles)

- I'm a pious man, my lady.

- Oh poo.

- My it's warm in here.

- Would you like me to blow
on your chest, cool it off?

- Well if you want.

- Say please.

- Please?

- Please.

Again.

- Please.

- Ah, maybe in a minute.

I wouldn't want to get you
in any trouble, of course.

- My but it's getting warm in here.

- Should I help you out
of some of your clothes?

Stand up.

Hands up.

You have nice strong, young arms.

How old are you, child?

- I'll be 23 this June.

- Oh you're a liar.

You're not even 23.

You're just a baby.

- I swear.

- You're a liar.

(laughs)

You're way overdressed.

- Yes ma'am.

- What a shame.

What are you thinking about?

- Hoping no one comes in.

- No one's coming.

This is your room, isn't it?

Why would anyone come in?

Stay there.

Do you like what you see?

- Yes my lady.

- What do you want?

(moaning)

- [Cardinal] Uneasy lies the
head that wears the crown.

- Ah, it's murder on your hairdo.

- Sire, Lady DeSummer
has been gracious enough

to offer her services.

- Well, actually I prefer a big, stiff--

- Your majesty, her services organizing

the anniversary banquet.

- Oh.

Well then, what would
you say about me in, oh,

purple taffeta?

Well, I'll go ask Prudie.

Anyway, you two stay here and finish

the preparations for the banquet

because frankly I haven't
got a thing to wear.

- Good, he's gone.

Now's our chance to disgrace the queen.

- Oh?

How?

- You know as well as I do that the queen

is cavorting with the duke right
under the king's very nose.

- Oh and what a nose it is.

- Their last tryst, one of
the queen's chambermaids

saw her give the duke
her emerald necklace.

- The one with the five stones?

- Precisely.

- Now what I want you to
do is steal two jewels

from that necklace, I
don't care how you do it,

just get it done.

Supposedly the duke never takes it off,

even when he's--

- Copulating?

- Right.

I can't say that word,

after all I'm a man of the cloth.

- You, my dear, are a man of
the most despicable character.

A rat, a fink, a low down
filthy speck of humanity.

But of course that's
what I like about you.

- Why thank you.

When the queen arrives
at the anniversary ball,

the king will expect her
to be wearing the necklace.

- Or possibly just want
to wear it himself.

- Whatever.

And when he sees that
two jewels are missing--

- I'll produce those jewels

as proof of the queen's infidelity.

And she'll be ruined.

- And out of our hair.

Which will leave the king
much easier to manipulate.

- In that case, I'm off to England.

- Use your head.

- Or I might just give some.

- This is terrible.

Are you sure you heard right?

- Yes my lady.

- Well then we must retrieve
the necklace at once.

- Oh, my lady, I know
just the man to do it.

- Well?

You will trust him with my honor?

- And my life.

- Well then hurry!

The Lady DeSummer has a head start on us.

- Yes your highness.

(dramatic music)

(knocks)

- You may enter.

- Lady DeSummer, you summoned me?

- Yes, I bring a message
from the Queen of France.

- Yes?

- You must come closer so that

you can hear me better.

Come even closer, it's
a very private message.

I wouldn't want anyone else to hear.

Bend down closer.

(whispering)

- I'm shocked!

And appalled!

- Good.

So you're saying that you're denying

the queen's request?

- Not unable, just unwilling.

- Oh.

That's a pity.

You know, I have heard talk.

I fear you may be impotent.

- Impotent!

Impotent!

It happened one time.

It was completely blown out of proportion.

Just one time!

I drank too much moon wine.

- Oh well there there, I'm
certain it happens to everyone.

- [Desmond] Does it?

- Well never to me, but I'm sure it does.

I must say with all modesty
that men have always been

incredibly virile in my bedchambers.

- [Desmond] Really?

- So you still deny the queen's request?

- No, but--

- She just sent me here to service you,

to make you happy.

She says in fact to think of
her as you make love to me.

Think of me as your vessel of pleasure.

- Vessel?

- Sure.

(light music)

She was very concerned
about your well-being

and that you would be
here traveling alone.

I thought it was actually
very thoughtful of her,

don't you?

My, the queen was right.

She said you had quite a member.

(moaning)

- That was wonderful.

- I'm glad you liked it.

That'll be all.

You're dismissed now.

- Okay.

- Hurry up, chop chop.

Here, don't forget this.

(mischievous music)

I have a message for your cardinal.

- Very well.

I'll get the cardinal.

- Not so fast.

You forgotten about me already?

- No my lady.

- Well?

- I have your blasted jewels.

- Excellent, hand them over.

- Not so fast.

A reward of some sort is
in order, don't you think?

- Well.

- Your assistant Phillipe
should do nicely.

- Oh, he's a pious man.

- Oh, I know, I know.

- I'm afraid he's in
prayer, day and night.

- Cleansing his soul, no doubt.

Then I shall just have
to hold on to the jewels

until I can have him.

- This is a matter of great urgency.

I don't think Phillipe would--

- Understand?

I have a great urgency as well.

- I hear the musketeers are close by.

I also hear they're looking for you.

- And whyever would
they be looking for me?

- I fear there's a spy in the castle.

- Then you will just have
to throw them off track,

won't you?

- I've already arranged for that.

Come, take a walk with me.

Wait here.

(dramatic music)

It's not the real thing, it's a fake.

It'll keep the musketeers
from your doorstep.

- And how will you--

- I have a plan.

Captain!

- And who is she?

- A tasty little tidbit for later.

- So you see, the queen's
honor, indeed her very life

are at stake here.

She trusts no one but me, and
I can trust no one but you.

- And you have my word
as a musketeer, we shall

find the necklace.

And the stones.

- D'Artagnan, how do we do this, eh?

- Portos, she is a woman, yeah?

- Yeah, she is a woman.

- Okay.

- I will seduce her.

- Aramis, I'm afraid that will not work.

- [Aramis] But why?

- Lady DeSummer, while she
will sleep with any man

to get her way, prefers
the touch of a woman

for her private pleasures.

So if you wish to entice this lady,

you must use a more
tender and delicate bait.

- Oh no, not me!

- You said that you
wanted to be a musketeer.

- Yeah but I didn't think
I'd have to eat quim

to get there.

- All musketeers eat quim!

- [D'Artagnan] If you do
not wish to be one of us--

- Well I didn't say that.

- [D'Artagnan] So?

- So, which way to England?

- There you have it.

Hail musketeers!

All for one!

- And one for all!

- Ah, D'Artagnan, why you
do this to us all the time?

Are you crazy?

- I may not have the scrotum of a man,

but I have the heart of a musketeer!

(shouting)

- Prudence, they must
have followed you here!

Leave us, she's mine, leave her alone!

- Oh, you're just a woman!

- I am not just a woman, I am a musketeer!

- You want another chance?

En garde.

- D'Artagnan, look out!

Oh D'Artagnan.

- Fallwell, Fallwell,
when will you ever learn

not to cross swords with the musketeers?

- But what is this?

- Careful, it may be a trap.

(tinkles)

- The queen's necklace!

You found it!

- Catherine, Catherine.

- Thank you, thank you musketeers.

I must make to the queen with great haste.

- You were almost a
musketeer, you came so close.

- But that's not fair!

- Life is not fair.

Go, tend to the horses.

- I swear to you I will
become a musketeer!

Do you hear me!

I will be the fourth musketeer!

- Catherine, Catherine.

The last time I saw you,
you had this very pouch

in your delicate hands.

Oh!

No, no.

Musketeer never gives up, never, never!

- But Aramis, where are you going?

- To meet destiny.

(shouts)

(bell ringing)

- It's wonderful, Prudence.

They returned the necklace just like that?

- Oh yes my lady, it
was just as I told you.

The musketeers were magnificent.

Cardinal Fallwell's men
didn't stand a chance.

- And they found the
necklace in a little pouch

around a dead man's neck?

How grotesque.

- Yes, my lady.

- Thank you.

Could I maybe see it in the mirror?

- Of course my lady.

- Well it looks alright.

I just don't understand why Fallwell

just didn't put up a fight.

- Well my lady I think
we should be thankful

the necklace was returned in one piece.

Your bath is ready.

- Thank you.

- No, no, no, this stays
until the banquet is over.

- As you wish, my lady.

(soft music)

Lady, lady, look!

Oh my goodness!

- It's a fake!

We've been deceived!

- What are we going to do?

My lady!

Do not worry, we forgot
about the musketeers!

♫ There she was just a
walking down the street

- That's not how it goes.

- It is so!

My father sung it to me when I was a boy.

(whistling)

Who goes there?

Come out, or we'll run you through!

- So it is a jester that we deal with.

- Tell me, are you guards of the king?

(laughing)

- The king?

That fairy doesn't deserve guards.

We answer only to the cardinal!

The true ruler of France.

(whistling)

- Silence!

Who answers these questions?

- Aramis of Orleans.

The king's musketeer.

- Then we are enemies!

(dramatic music)

- En garde!

- En garde!

- En garde!

- (mumbles)

(shouting)

Oh shit.

- Mercy, please!

I beg of you!

- Tell me one thing.

- Anything!

Spare my life.

- Where is she?

- Who?

- The maiden, the one they call Catherine.

- I know not who you speak.

- Alright, alright!

Cardinal Fallwell's got a
fondness for soft warm things.

- Where is she?

- She's in the cardinal's bed.

- And you think that's funny?

- No, no!

(screams)

- Just take this away!

I can't stand it, I never
want to see it again!

(crying)

- Oh my lady, try to relax.

- Relax?

How can I relax at a time like this.

The cardinal and Lady
DeSummer, they're both

plotting against me.

And if the necklace is not returned

by the time the banquet
starts, I'm gonna be ruined.

And they're gonna find out with my affair

with the Duke of Earl.

- Oh my lady, we, we have
to have faith, my lady.

In the musketeers.

We have to believe that they're going to

get the real necklace back
from the Duke of Earl,

as well as the stones from Lady DeSummer.

Oh my lady, they have to succeed.

They're the musketeers.

(soft music)

- This is so nice, Prudence.

- Anything that pleases you, my lady.

- [Queen] It smells so decadent.

- Yes, sesame oil spiced with musk

and a secret ingredient.

I keep it nice and warm by the fire.

Would my lady like to turn over?

(dramatic music)

- One and two and three!

- You idiot.

- Your majesty.

- You've been awfully
testy lately, Lizzie.

Oh honey, don't cry.

Don't cry.

Your eyes will get all
puffy and you'll get stuff

all over your dress.

Aren't you excited?

It's only a week away
to our fabulous party.

By the way.

What are you gonna wear?

- I really haven't thought about it yet.

- Well Prudence is making
me a fabulous frock.

I know, maybe she could make us matchings!

Wouldn't that be peachy?

- Majesty, I have some
papers for you to sign.

Am I interrupting something?

- Oh, no, we're just talking
about our grand banquet.

- Is the queen upset?

- Oh no, I'm fine.

- Sir, I think he means me.

No, Cardinal Fallwell, I'm fine.

- Well, I'm sure you'll
be the belle of the ball.

No disrespect to you, your majesty.

- Ha!

- But wearing that
priceless emerald necklace.

No star will shine brighter (mumbles).

You do still have the necklace, don't you?

- Of course she does.

Don't you, sweetie?

- Well, if the lady has no objections,

I will take the bauble to my artisans

for a special cleaning and polishing.

- That won't be necessary.

- Oh?

- I just couldn't bear
the thought of other hands

touching my necklace,
it's just so dear to me.

- How sweet.

Oh, gimme that.

- Your majesty I just wanted to tell you

that I must go out of
the country on business.

- Monkey business, no doubt.

You better be back for our banquet.

- Wouldn't miss it for the world.

- Now, about those dresses.

- The most luscious brocade just came in.

- Oh I can't wait, I can't wait.

(dramatic music)

- Brought you something.

Something a little more appropriate.

That'll be all now, you can go.

I think I can handle it.

Put it on.

- Here?

- Yes, here.

Come here.

Come here.

See, I can be nice too.

Very nice.

(screams)

Captain!

Prepare her.

(organ music)

(crying out)

- Hold still.

- No one can hear you.

- This'll be a lot easier
if you don't fight.

Relax.

- Captain, prepare her.

- Shh.

(spits)

Later, it's not my turn yet.

(shouting)

- I want her good and ready, captain.

(spits)

- Oh look at that, she's wet now.

- Relax, my dear.

I'm about to grant you
complete absolution.

Cleanse your soul.

Penetrate your peasant parts.

(dramatic music)

- Catherine!

- (mumbles)

- Aramis!
(smashes)

- The Duke of Earl?

- Yes, who are you?

- We have a message from
the Queen of France.

- Not another one.

Quickly, the necklace,
it's around my neck.

(light music)

What's this?

The stones are missing?

What the hell?

- Well think back!

Think hard!

- Lady DeSummer.

- I will personally keep
a close watch on this one.

Welcome to hell.

(mysterious music)

- Hell is not all it's cracked up to be.

Water?

- You speak.

- Here, have some water, man.

- Thank you.

So what did you do to deserve such a fate?

- I represented the face of freedom,

so they took away my face.

- But your voice.

It sounds so familiar.

- It's the voice of suffering.

- Can you see me?

- I can see nothing except injustice.

- Tell me, tell me something.

Do you have any fight
left in those weary bones?

- A good man once told me never give up.

Never.

- Come closer.

I have a plan.

Come closer.

- Your majesty please try to be still.

- I can't.

I'm so worried, they've almost
been gone for a fortnight.

- A fortnight?

- Yes, two weeks.

- Oh, as long as all that?

- Yes.

- Guard, come quickly,
come quickly, he's dying!

- Already?

- He's trying to say something.

- Let him die.

- Something about emeralds, your eminence.

- Emeralds?

Guard, open the door, quick!

(dramatic music)

What's he saying?

- He speaks in tongues.

He needs the last rites, your eminence.

- The emeralds, what does
he say about the emeralds?

Speak!

- That your death be as slow
and as painful as possible.

(crying out)

May you look freedom in its
face once again, my friend.

Athos!

Athos!

We thought you were dead!

- So did I, my good man.

So did I.

I could not let you know it was me.

I did not want you to have
this last vision of me.

- But your death.

- Of all the dungeons in all
the hamlets in all the world,

you had to walk into mine.

- How quaint.

- Now remove your clothing, quickly.

(exciting music)

- Athos!

I see you haven't lost your touch.

- My sword is a bit rusty

having spent all those
years in the dungeon.

But like I always say, once a musketeer--

- [Both] Always a musketeer!

- Alright, take her!

- No Aramis, no more killing.

- Quickly Aramis, we must go.

- After them, they've got the cardinal!

- Whoa.

We've gotta go this way.

- Forgive me, Aramis.

I'm tired of this musketeer shit.

I'm going to retire.

- Retire?

But why?

- Well last night for one shining moment

I felt that old fire in me.

It's hard to believe
but I came to my senses.

You can go on without me.

- But Porthos and D'Artagnan!

- Please, don't tell them I'm alive.

Let me go as they think I did.

- As you wish.

- Here's looking at you, kid.

- Farewell!

- Mother!

Mother!

Mother!

Mother!

- Is she here?

- She must have gone to the market.

It's just you and I.

(romantic music)

- Well then I'll wait til she returns.

- I'd like that.

We can wait in the barn.

- We can sit right here.

Do you remember this?

I gave you one just like it.

- I wish to give you something too.

- But you're only a maiden.

- I wish to give my maidenhood.

- Maidenhood, but--

- Hush.

I'm a poor peasant girl.

I have nothing to give to
show my gratitude but myself.

- Catherine.

If you surrender yourself,
surrender yourself

not for duty, but for desire.

- I shall, for desire sir, a great deal.

- Yes, you are so beautiful.

(moaning)

Oh that's beautiful, Catherine.

This is really beautiful.

(dramatic music)

- Aramis said that he will be here

and he will be here.

A musketeer always keeps his word.

- Ha!

He's probably with that
wench right now trying to--

- Whoa!

Did I hear somebody say prick?

- Aramis, my friend, how are you?

- It's about time.

- You better shut up.

- Hey, we all need our rest anyway.

Now that we're here.

You know something.

I've had this calling here
ever since I left Chatham.

I've had to take the most wicked,

well you know what I mean.

- Yeah, I know what you mean.

- [Men] Do you mind?

- Men!

(dramatic music)

- Your majesty, is it
bigger than a breadbox?

- Bigger, much bigger.

- Covered with skin, perhaps?

- You're getting warmer.

- And bumps.

- You're burning hot.

- I'm so bored with these
stupid parlor games.

I'm sorry, I just have
the nastiest headache.

- That's alright your majesty,

everything will be alright, just relax.

(dramatic music)

- We're back!

(shouting)

(screaming)

(playful music)

- Musketeers!

Musketeers!

Porthos, D'Artagnan, come
on, we have work to do!

You're impossible, all of you!

Here you are, a respected
group of the king's elite army.

You're nothing but a bunch
of drunken randy fools.

I've had it with you!

(laughing)

(sneaky music)

- Aha, the missing stones.

- Aha.

I've been expecting you.

What took you so long, whore?

- Who are you calling a whore, you harlot?

- Give me those emeralds right now.

- You harlot!

(struggling)

- Lick me, fuck me.

Come on girl, use your tongue.

- Musketeers, I've retrieved the jewels.

Come on, to the palace we ride!

- Eh?

(mysterious music)

- Your highness.

- However did you get the necklace back?

- Oh, it was nothing.

What I mean to say is Alexandra
did play a large part.

What I mean to say is without
her we couldn't have done it.

- And what became of Lady DeSummer?

- Well let's just say your highness

that she'll be riding side saddle

for quite some time.

- But what of the missing stones?

- Fret not, your highness,
they are amongst us.

- Well where are they?

- Lady, they are here.

- The banquet starts in a few hours!

Where are they!

Come on, come on, out with them!

- I'm trying!

- More prunes, perhaps?

- [Alexandra] No, please, no more prunes.

- Then push, push.

- [Alexandra] I am pushing!

- Well come on Alexandra, you can do it!

- [All] Push, push, push!

(clanking)

(clapping)

- My friends do you mind if
I put this on her myself?

- By all means.

Now, may you wear the king's
cross and the pride of France

go with you for you are
now the fourth musketeer.

Arise!

Musketeers!

All for one!

- [All] And one for all!

- We fight for liberty!

- Equality!

- Fraternity!

And I, gentlemen, have
something for all of you.

(grand music)

(upbeat music)

- Darling, I'm having
such a wonderful time.

It's so perfect, it's so grand.

- You know what?

I have something for you
that will even make it

more wonderful.

- What?

- Prudence.

- A surprise!

What is it?

A surprise, what is it?

- Open it.

- The necklace!

Oh queenie, it's gorgeous.

Oh, put it on, put it on.

Not on you, on me!

These did look better on me.

What a nasty smudge.

Ooh, tangy.

Perfect, I want everyone
to look at my necklace.

Oh look at me, I just love it,

thank you so much.

(fanfare)

- Sire.

Your majesty.

We your subjects and the
people of the entire world

wish to celebrate with
you your anniversary.

In honor of this festive occasion,

the king of Siam has sent
his country's finest dancers

to entertain you.

- Dancing girls?

What's wrong with a few dancing boys?

- And from Rome, there is
the most gifted musicians

from all of Italy.

They have composed a song
just for this occasion.

- Oh, how sweet.

I couldn't possibly hear it right now,

it would be just too
much for me to handle.

- And from the king and queen of Portugal

there are copious amounts
of the finest wines

its fertile valleys have to offer.

For your approval, sire.

- Come closer, come closer.

Very good, very good.

Don't get any lipstick on it now.

(chattering)

Silence!

Silence!

Works every time.

Now let's let the real festivities begin.

Because I too have a
present for you, my love.

I hearby proclaim that all
prisoners imprisoned unjustly

shall be released this day.

Bring them in!

Where is Cardinal Fallwell?

Phillipe?

Where is your cardinal?

- Sire, he hasn't been seen in days.

- Well, stick around, you can do it.

Now.

Shh, be patient, everyone will have

their turn to speak.

Now, you, you wanted water.

Come forth.

(muffled shouting)

Will you put a lid on it!

Here is your water.

Drink, quench your thirst.

Look, I said be quiet!

Now, you, you wanted food.

Come and get your food.

Will somebody shut that man up?

Eat, eat!

Look, I said be quiet and
I'm only going to tell you

one more time.

And you, you wanted pussy!

Here, here is your pussy!

(fanfare)

- I got me a wench I do!

I got me a wench!

(laughing)

- And as for you.

Back to the dungeon you ungrateful slimy

smelly little poo.

Maybe a few more years there
will teach you some respect.

Take him away, take him away.

(muffled shouting)

(applause)

Oh now everyone party!

Party and drink and be merry!

Yeah, my job.

(bright music)

- What is he doing in here again?

What the fuck is he doing?

Would you get the hell out of there?

Jesus Christ!

That's it, that's it, get
out of here, that's it.

No, get out of here.

Cut, hold the roll.

Cut.