The Erotic Adventures of Zorro (1972) - full transcript

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: This is Los
Angeles, California,

third largest city in the USA,
home of seven million people.

About half of them are women.

The rest are men.

This is Olvera Street, the
city's original thoroughfare--

a Los Angeles trademark
and tourist attraction.

Through preservation
and restoration,

Olvera Street is much the
same as it was 150 years ago.

It's always been a skin game.



[MUSIC PLAYING]

Move along, you freak.

You're holding up the line.

Like everyone else, you
have to pay your taxes.

I cannot pay.

I've had a bad year.

[GRUNTS DISMISSIVELY]

They want my last peso.

I have no money.

And now they want to take
my miserable hovel, my cow,

my half acre of land,
and my daughter.

What can we do, Pedro?

We have no money either.

[GAVEL THUDS]



All right, you people.

It's April 15.

You all know what that means.

It's tax time.

[GROANING]

[GAVEL THUDS]

LUIS: You want good government?

You got to pay for it!

[GROANING]

[GAVEL THUDS]

Today, we will
collect water tax,

income tax, property
tax, use tax,

and vehicle registration tax.

Juan Hernandez, 100 pesos.

Next.

Juan Peron, 200 pesos.

Señor, I can't.

It will leave me
without a centavo.

[WHIP CRACKS]

I pay.
I pay.

Ah, Chico, how are you,
with your two lovely daughters

today?

We are all fine,
Señor Alcalde.

I'm glad to hear that, Chico.

Then you won't mind
paying your taxes, eh?

250 pesos, por favor.

I cannot pay that amount.

I will not pay that amount.

I'll kill you first,
you thieving bastard.

[GUNSHOT]

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, you
people, no rough stuff.

You'll pay for this
villainy, Luis Bonasario.

Alejandro, what can we do?

For the horror of it all?

LUIS: Since your father
cannot pay his taxes,

you girls must pay.

However, we will
let you work off.

Sergeant Latio, take charge
of these two tasty wenches

and collect 250 pesos,
plus a final 50 pesos

for disturbing the peace.

300 pesos?

They'll be 45 years old
by the time they pay it.

[GRUNTS OF STRUGGLE]

Come on.

That's enough of
this nice guy shit.

Father in heaven, help us.

Somebody help us.

Alejandro, this cannot go on.

We may be next.

Get that body out of here.

Next.

Vincenze, 200 pesos.

Luis Bonasario and
Esteban Velasquez

make a mockery of all
that is good right

in the glorious
colors of all Spain.

Taxes.

Do you know where every
peso of that tax money goes?

Into the pockets of Luis
and Esteban, that's where.

[COINS POURING]

Thank you very much.

Next.

How sweet it is.

LUIS: [LAUGHS]

Manuel Vera, 200 pesos.

The score of those
bums are making.

And I have heard what
happens in Bonasario's offices.

He seducers virgins.
He entices--

LUIS: Next.
- --hateful wives into adultery.

They--
LUIS: Roman Alberato, 50 pesos.

They even have orgies.

Esteban commands the presidio.

He has the entire
garrison behind him.

LUIS: Chavez Romano--

He and Luis work
hand and glove--

LUIS: --100 pesos.

--to rob, rape, and
pillage our people.

We-- we are too old to take up
swords to avenge these wrongs.

The peons, they-- they have
no training in fighting.

50 pesos, my friend,
Cristina, 50 pesos.

Next.

Alejandro, what can be done?

My son, Diego.

He's been at the Military
Institute of Madrid

for the last four years.

The comandante has written me.

Diego is the greatest swordsman
and horseman in all of Spain.

I will write him, and he
will come home to California.

Yes.
Yes.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

That is the answer.

I knew you would
think of something.

You must write him
today, Don Alejandro.

Because tomorrow, a
ship leaves for Spain.

Yes.

Yes.

Come, come.

[WHIP CRACKS]

All right, ladies.

You don't want me to have
to use this on you, do you?

It would be a shame to mark
up such beautiful wives.

Now, the comandante will
be here in a few minutes.

So as we say in Spanish,
get your clothes off.

Come on, hurry up!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Get them off.

It's not a strip tease show.

[DOOR OPENS]

LATIO: Comandante.

Sergeant Latio.

Choice.

Choice.

I may even say prime.

And comandante,
they are both virgins.

[WHIMPERING]

We shall see, sergeant.
We shall see.

[WHIMPERING]

I think I'll take
this one, sergeant.

What's her name?

LATIO: Her name is
Rosita, comandante.

If what Sergeant
Latio says is true,

consider yourself fortunate,
my little chili pepper,

that Captain Esteban Vasquez--

[SLAP]
[YELP]

--is your first man.

Nice to see you have
everything in hand, sergeant.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wait until she finds
out his saber is bent.

Oh well.

That's the way it
is in the army.

The comandante
gets first choice.

But you, my little tamale,
are going to get to entertain

Sergeant Felipio Latio.

But you can call me Phil.
- No.

Please.

I'm a virgin.

Virgin?

I believe it.

But when you do what
I want, darling,

you'll still be a virgin.

(SOBBING) No.

I can't.

I never--

Fear bot.

Fear not.

Relief is just a swallow away.

Come on.

Be good.

Come here.

WOMAN: [INAUDIBLE] sergeant.
No.

[WHIP CRACKS]

Chow time.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

No.
No.

Please.

No.

[PANICKED BREATHING] No.
No.

Please, no.

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

[GROANS]

Ah, at one swallow came back
to Capistrano this year.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GALLOPING]

Here they come.

The California Cockerel
is in the lead.

10 pesos says he wins.
- You have a bet.

Ah, well, he's done it.

Pay up.

Lieutenant Rodriguez
isn't going like this.

He thinks he's the best
horseman in all of Spain.

Well, at least now he has
a rival in Diego de Vega.

[CHUCKLES] Sí, but who do you
think is the better swordsman?

- In a duel or in bed?
- Ah.

[LAUGHS] Bravo, Diego.

Don Diego, the comandante
wants to see you in his office

immediately.
- Damn.

Now what?

Whose heart did you
break this time, Diego?

Broken hearts don't bother me.

It's the parts
that can't knitted

that cause the most trouble.

Tell the comandante I'll
be there in a minute.

OK.

I wanted to buy a
little gift for Lolita

for the party tonight, but
now there won't be time.

Ah, I don't worry about
the eternal virgin, Lolita.

Put something in a
box and she's happy.

But I wonder why in
the name of heaven,

she keeps pretending
she's a maiden.

Woman folly, my friend.
Woman folly.

[LAUGHS]

[SOLDERS RUNNING DRILLS IN
BACKGROUND]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, it's you, Diego.

Well, have a seat.

I'll be with you in a moment.

You wanted to
see me, comandante?

Sí.
I have something for you here.

It's a letter from your father.

A letter?
From my father?

(READING) My dearest son,
our fine community is being

raped by the new alcalde--

our women too.

Come home at once.

We need your help to
stamp out this heel.

It's signed "father."

sir, I must return
to help my people.

May I have your
permission to leave

the academy until these
renegades are eliminated?

Yes.
Of course.

Of course.

We'll wish you,
but I understand.

Give my regards to your father.

Sí.

Gracias.

I'll leave first
thing in the morning.

Good luck.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[BACKGROUND CHATTER]

[GLASSES CLINKING AND LAUGHTER]

Diego, over here.

Pablo, Manuel.

We heard.

So instead of a
party to celebrate

Lolita's becoming a
common woman again,

it's a farewell to Diego.
- Salud.

Salud.

[CHATTER AND LAUGHTER]

Tell me, is Los
Angeles really so bad?

Terrible, according
to my father--

terror, villainy, rape.

[CRASH]

[THUD]

Let's forget about
all that for now.

It's supposed to be a party.

To wine, women.

Mmm.

She's really luscious
tonight, huh?

[CHAIR GROANS]

CROWD: Olé!
Olé!

Olé!

Olé!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[ELATED LAUGHTER IN BACKGROUND]

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

[MOANING]

Bravo, bravo, bravo.

Marvelous exhibition, Diego.

But I don't think you
really know anything

about women or lovemaking.

[LAUGHS] Oh, you, who walks
around in women's clothing when

you think no one is watching,
talks to me about women,

lovemaking?

How dare you?

I demand an apology at once!

Fuck off.

En garde!

It shall be a fight
to the finish.

Look, Rodriguez, this
whole thing is ridiculous.

This is a party.

Join us, if you like.

There's plenty of
everything to go around.

Get your sword up, Diego.

We'll see who are
the better man he is.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I have never met
a man who wanted

to die as much as you do.

You're half drunk, so
we'll make it a fair fight.

[SWISH]

[BLADES CLASHING]

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

Quit while you're
ahead, Rodriguez.

This is madness.

Quit before you get hurt.

I'll kill you and cut
them off for souvenirs.

Take your best shot, Rod.

[BLADE CLATTERS]

Next time, don't wave
your sword at someone

who has a superior weapon
and knows how to use it.

[SWISH]

[THUD]

[LAUGHS] Ah, what an exit.

CROWD: Bravo!

Bravo!

Oh, Diego, must
you go so soon?

Yes.

I have to be on my
way to California

early in the morning.

[LIPS SMACK]

Adiós, my friends.
MEN: Bravo!

Adiós.

MEN: Adiós.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, Don Alejandro,
Martinez family

is already the ninth
family that has fled

Los Angeles for Mexico City.

And we pay the taxes imposed
on them by this vermin

who is Bonasario.

And on the Sabbath,
those that come to church,

the sadness in their faces--

oh, the misery of it all.

Don Alejandro,
this cannot go on.

Diego, my son.

[LAUGHS] Diego.

Diego.

It is so good to
have you home again.

It's good to be home, father.

You remember Don Manuel.

Don Manuel, my
father's dearest friend.

How are you?
- Fine, fine.

Thank you.

And your wife, Doña Amelia?

Oh, she's fine too.

The family, aha!

- Your son, Porjito?
- Fine, fine.

Look how big and strong he got.

Of course, you remember
your beloved teacher

and priest, Frey Felipe.

Frey Felipe.

Next to my dear father, you are
the man I respected and loved

most in this whole world.

Ah, Diego, what
a splendid person

you have turned out to be.

How proud I am that I was
your first instructor.

Heaven will surely reward you
for answering your father's

call on this, our hour of need.

So tell me, who is
doing what to whom?

When you went to
study in Spain, I,

Don Alejandro Vega, good,
just, and well-liked

alcalde of Los Angeles--

a position I held for many
years with great honor--

That's right.

And one terrible day,
this slimy Luis Bonasario

arrived in our
city and proclaimed

himself the new alcalde.

But how did this happen?

An appointment the governor
himself, signed, sealed,

and legal.

And to back his appointment,
came the henchmen--

Capitan Esteban
Velazquez and Sergeant

Felipio Latio,
along with a score

of battle-trained soldiers.

But why didn't you
write the governor

and ask where such a person
was appointed in your place?

I did many times.

And he has never
answered those letters.

Obviously, one of two
things has happened.

These scoundrels are either
tampering with the mail--

[GLOBE RATTLES]

--or--
BOTH: Or?

--the governor
himself is a thief.

ALEJANDRO: Diego, with
taxes what they are,

it won't be long
before Bonasario

owns all of Los Angeles.

Already, some of
our wealthy friends

have had to sell out to him.

And now he even wants
to tax the mission lands.

This is why your
father sent for you.

FELIPE: The comandante
of the military academy

wrote your father and said
you are the greatest horseman

and swordsman in all of Spain.

Oh, my son, how
proud I am of you.

Diego, maybe you
could form an army

and wipe out this Bonasario.

Where would I recruit
an army, father?

- The peons.
- No.

That would take too long a time.

We must act immediately.

BOTH: What shall we do?

You will carry on as
if nothing has happened.

Tomorrow, I will visit this
Bonasario and Velasquez

at the presidio in person.

What can you
possibly do alone?

[SNORTING]

[SNEEZES]

Bless you, son.

Well, one can try, can't one?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

And now, papa, Don Manuel,
and dear Frey Felipe, I

am literally exhausted
from the journey.

You'll excuse me
if I go beddy-byes?

Oh, and Don Manuel, please give
my very, very best to your son,

Porjito.

Tell them I'll be
seeing him soon.

These military schools can
do funny things to a boy.

Hmm.
[CLAP]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Nothing but bills, bills.

Nothing but fucking bills.

I think, tomorrow,
we're going to raise

the taxes, Esteban, eh?

[CHUCKLES]

I am Don Diego de Vega.

I wish to see the alcalde.

One moment, señor.

One simply must have
a parasol to protect

one's delicate complexion from
the burning rays of the sun.

[CHUCKLES] Sí, señor.

Don Diego de Vega
to see the alcalde.

Send him in.

Send him in.

The alcalde will see you now.

Thank you.

You are all very kind.

Your Excellency, I
am Don Diego de Vega.

Don Alejandro Vega's son.

Ah.

Don Diego, how nice
it is to meet you.

[CHUCKLES] Yes.

Well, Don Diego, I thought
that you were Spain at school.

I've had enough of
schools, Your Excellency.

I was lonesome for my
family, my friends.

[WOMEN LAUGHING IN DISTANCE]

I told them to be quiet.

But obviously, they've
had too much wine.

Mwah.

Oooh.

Such fine plumage.

Whose closet did he come from?

Graciela, don't
be impertinent.

This is Don Diego de Vega,
son of the former alcalde.

Show some respect.

And I thought I told you
to wait for me inside.

Oh.

Well, it got too hot and
we couldn't wait, eh?

Don Diego, forgive
us for being so rude,

but you've arrived at the
most inopportune time.

As you can see, we have
some unfinished business

to attend to.

You didn't
apologize, comandante.

I understand perfectly.

We can meet again.

Before I leave, though, I
wonder if you'll be kind enough

to tell me who is your tailor?

How exquisite.

Yes.

You are obviously a
man of good taste.

I do hope we can meet
again [quietly] soon.

Oh, by the way, comandante,
have you seen this one?

[LAUGHS]

Don Diego, you must excuse us.

We would invite you to
join us for the evening,

but I'm afraid we don't
know where to find someone

to suit your proclivities, eh?

[LAUGHTER]

Of course.

Another time, Excellency.

You do have the most
beautiful things, comandante.

Hasta manana.

[LAUGHTER]

That faggot, talking
to me that way.

I'll give him three
feet of cold steel.

He must know
you, Esteban, dear.

After all, you do have
the most beautiful things.

[LAUGHS]

We'll have no trouble
from him, eh, Esteban?

Are you still hot,
my little chicken?

Sí.

And I think there are
some things that you

should take care of personally.

As for you, Señor Comandante,
you've got a big job.

Ah, you like the job you have.

Hey, I think, maybe--

I think, maybe from
now on, you better when

I tell you to do
and get it done,

or maybe my friend, Don Diego,
will let me know playmate, eh?

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHTER]

What do you got
here, [INAUDIBLE]??

[SCREAMING]

Ah, very nice.

Very nice.

Tie them up, eh?

I got something for you.

[SOBBING]

[SCREAMING]
- No!

[INAUDIBLE] I got a bigger
snake than this for you.

[LAUGHS]

[SCREAMING]

Come on [INAUDIBLE]
- No!

[INAUDIBLE] I got a bigger
snake than this for you.

[LAUGHS]

[GALLOPING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[THUD]

See what the note is.

You can read.

What does it say?

(READING) Know, you, that
Luis Bonasario is a thief,

and a tyrant, and cannot
long escape my justice.

Signed, Zorro.

Zorro?

Who the fuck is Zorro?

I don't know, but he
tells it like it is.

What's going on?

Get out of here, you
ignorant peasants.

Ándale!

Ándale!

Vámonos!

[INAUDIBLE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hmm.

I go a funny feeling
if I could read,

this thing going to
piss me off pretty bad.

- Do you see him?
- No.

You look there.

[THUMP]

Psst.
Psst.

You in there, quickly,
before we're discovered.

Please.

Please, leave us alone.

Haven't you had
enough for one day?

Have no fear, señorita.

I want to help you escape.
- Escape?

WOMAN: It must be a trick.

[SIGHS] This is no trick,
but come quickly now,

before we're discovered.

I don't want to escape.

[KEY RATTLING]

Be quiet and follow me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What are you doing?

Be quiet.

I just want to make
sure the brutes

didn't your beautiful body.

[LAUGHS]

[GASPS]

[COMICAL MUSIC NOTE]

Ah, very nice.

Sergeant Latio has taste.

[GASPS]

[COMICAL MUSIC NOTE]

Drive slowly or you'll
arouse the soldiers.

Wait.

Who are you, masked man,
and how can we thank you?

I'm sure that, someday,
you'll find a way.

Stay away from your house.

Now go.

Find safety with friends.

GUARD: Halt. Who goes there?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

LATIO: Now what are we
going to do without women?

Just because you use little boys
doesn't mean everybody does.

Estúpidos, ignoramuses,
imbeciles, [INAUDIBLE]!!

And you, you
[INAUDIBLE] you idiot.

Now find them!

Find them and bring them back
here immediately or you're

all going to tending bar at the
[INAUDIBLE] at the [INAUDIBLE]!!

Out!
Out!

Ándale!

Ándale!

Imbeciles!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN (FROM INSIDE): All right.

Another game of Bingo.

Hold your cards, please.

Under the R, [INAUDIBLE]
under the [INAUDIBLE] 34.

Under the [INAUDIBLE] 18.

Under the G, 54.

Under the M, 37.

Under the O, 69.

MAN: Bingo!

EVERYONE: [INAUDIBLE]

MAN: [INAUDIBLE]
your cards, please.

There may be a mistake.

Father, I have a wonderful
confession to make.

What is it, my little, uh--

my child?

Father, I've decided
to become a nun.

Don't you think
that's wonderful?

An admirable decision,
but you shouldn't

make up your mind while you're
still young and inexperienced.

What do you mean, Father?

You should find out
what life is all about.

Why, a beautiful girl like you,
you must have many young men.

So get married, have a family.

And if you still want to
become a nun, come back

and we'll work something out.

Father, how can
you say such things?

I mean, if I were to become a
nun, I must remain a virgin.

What a waste.

What I'm trying to tell you,
my dear, is that you don't

have sufficient experience.

So live a little.

Father, I do not understand.

I thought if I became a
nun, it would please you.

There are other better
ways for you to please me.

What do you mean?
Father?

What is it, Sergeant Latio?

Señorita Maria, we are
looking for a man in a long,

black, flowing cape.

Have you seen such a man?

I saw no one.

I was just confessing
to the padre.

But who is the man
with the dark cape?

His name is Zorro, and
he's a very dangerous man.

He has just helped two
prisoners to escape.

If you see him, beware.

Señorita Maria, we're sorry
to have disturbed you.

Padre, we apologize
for disturbing you.

Fear not.

We will get Zorro.
Come.

Adiós, chiquita.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CLANG]

[GROAN]

[CLACK]

[SWISH]

[LAUGHS]

[GUNSHOT]

[GUNS FIRING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LID SLAMS]

You've got to catch him.

This Zorro, he could
screw up my plans of being

the biggest man in California.

I know.

I know.

I'm part of those
plans too, remember?

So what are you
going to do about it?

You and your machos.

That was some show
you put on last night.

My men have been
searching all night.

By tomorrow morning, they'll
be spread throughout the area.

He won't escape this time.

I guarantee it.

Your men, your men.

For all the man
they are, they could

compete with Don Diego Vega
for Gay Caballero of the Year.

And as for that Señor Itar,
I think I would like to have

him meet my niece, Maria.

A match between him
and Maria would be

very advantageous to my plans.

Luis, you know I've had my
eye on Maria for a long--

And that's all you're
going to have on her!

At least until
after her marriage.

And then, of course, Maria is
entitled to at least one lover.

Better it be you
than some stranger.

The depths to which you'll
stoop to be of the richest men

in California is nauseating.

Poor Maria.

Business, Esteban--
big business.

The Vega holdings are amongst
the largest in California.

Tonight, we make our first
move to acquire them.

[LAUGHS] We are going to have
Don Diego to dinner tonight.

Who is he going to eat?

No snide remarks to Diego!

Now get out of here!

You have something to do, no?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[BOOTS CLICKING ON FOOT]

[GASPS]

Do not be frightened,
my lovely Maria.

I only want to thank you
for not blowing the whistle

on me at the church last night.

But who are you?

- I am Zorro.
- Zorro?

WOMAN (BEHIND DOOR):
Maria, are you ready?

It's time to go down.

I thought I heard
voices in here just now.

No.
I was just singing.

Well, shall we?

Dinner is waiting.

[TAP DANCING]

[MUSICIAN STRUMMING]

[RHYTHMIC CLAPPING]

[APPLAUSE]
- Bravo!

Bravo!

[LAUGHS]

Aren't they fantastic?

[LAUGHS] Doña Bonasario, I
have not had such a marvelous

dinner since I left Madrid.

Everything is just exquisite.

Excellency, may I say,
your niece is the most

charming young lady I have met?

LUIS: Thank you very
much, Don Diego.

You two must get to
know each other better.

She, too, has just
come from Spain.

She has only been
with her aunt and I

for three months in California.

You two probably have mutual
acquaintances in Madrid, no?

ESTEBAN: Maria, your
perfume, it's lovely.

What is it called?
- My perfume?

Why, it's, uh--

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Esteban.

Really, this beautiful
scent is called Amor Rápido.

It's from my [INAUDIBLE].

I'm glad you like it.

Amor Rápido.

It's obviously well-named.

Diego, you must tell us
about your life in Madrid.

Oh, that I were there instead
of this god-forsaken outpost.

MARIA: Oh, yes, Diego.

Do tell us about your carefree,
fascinating gay life in Madrid.

Actually, I spent most of
my time with the other cadets.

That figures.

Studying, or drilling,
or learning wargames.

An officer must be a fine
horseman and swordsman.

They must also know
of other weapons.

Sometimes it is best
to use a pistol,

but even an officer should
know how to handle a cannon.

How interesting.

I suppose you know
how to do everything.

Well, actually,
you could say that.

But really, I'm boring
you all, I know.

Esteban, you lived in
Spain too, didn't you?

Why didn't you tell us why you
left such a beautiful country

to come to this sleepy pueblo?

When I was a younger man,
I was quite a sportsman.

Although, I had a bad temper.

I had the finest
cock in Barcelona.

This cock came from a long
line of fighting cocks.

One Saturday, I took him
to the arena for a fight.

All the gentleman were there
and the stakes were high.

When the time came for my cock
to fight, I entered the arena--

[MUSICIAN STRUMS]

--and presented myself
to my cock's opponent.

This gentleman took one
look at my magnificent cock

and stated he would not
let his champion fight

such a little, scrawny thing.

I could not bear this
insult. In a fit of temper,

I challenged him to a duel.

He was from one of the
finest families in Barcelona.

That was my mistake.

Oh, a very exciting
story, Esteban.

Please, do go on.
- Yes.

Please, Esteban.

I ran him through.

As I said, he was from
one of the richest

families in Barcelona.

So discretion being the
better part of valor,

I decided to split the scene.

That is how I happened to
be here in Los Angeles.

LUIS: That is very
interesting, Esteban.

Too bad you can't challenge
that Zorro to a cock fight, eh?

[LAUGHS]

Who in the world is Zorro?
- Oh, he's--

Yes, my dear?

Oh, I'm sorry, uncle.

I was just trying to
explain to Don Diego.

Forgive my
question, Excellency.

It's none of my affair.

It is your affair.

It is the affair of every
loyal, law-abiding citizen.

This Zorry is a masked bandit.

He's a criminal
and a rebel-rouser.

He's dangerous to the
authority of my government.

He must be hunted down
and brought to justice.

He will, Don Luis.

You have my word.

Doña Bonasario, I
can't thank you enough

for your gracious hospitality.

It was our pleasure
having you, Don Diego.

Perhaps we'll be seeing
more of you soon?

It would be my pleasure.

Perhaps you'd
like to accompany me

on my morning ride.

Oh, I'd be delighted.

Would 8:00 be too early?

No hour is too early to enjoy
your company, lovely lady.

Excellency, thank you
for having me to dinner.

Thank you, Don Diego.

And give my regards
to your father.

DIEGO: Gracias.
I will.

You do have the most
beautiful things, comandante.

Who is your tailor?
Good night.

You're all just too beautiful.

Nighty-night.
- Come, Maria.

I'll help you prepare for bed.

Well, ladies, what
do you think of the son

of the former alcalde?

Oh, I think he's some kind
of a freak or something.

I think things are
seldom what they seem.

She will marry Diego, Esteban.

But don't you worry.

You'll get part of the action,
you and your fighting cock, eh?

[LAUGHS]

Thinking of your
husband-to-be?

Oh, yes.

He's wonderful.

Well, at dinner,
you didn't display

any great fondness for him.

What are you talking about?

- Why, Don Diego, of course.
- Don Diego?

[LAUGHS] That she-man?

Oh, Aunt Helena.

Really, you're so much fun.

Maria, I do not jest.

I don't understand.

What do you mean?

Your uncle and I have
already discussed it.

He has decided you will
soon marry Don Diego.

Oh no.
No.

I can't.

I'm in love with--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

With whom, Maria?

There, there, dear niece.

Everything will
work out in time.

You will learn to love him.

I'll never live that long.

Come.

I'll help you get undressed.

MARIA: But why does Uncle Luis
want me to marry that fag?

HELENA: Because his father
has great landholdings,

which will one day
belong to Diego and you.

MARIA: Aunt Helena, do
you love Uncle Luis?

HELENA: Of course.

MARIA: Oh, it must be so
wonderful to love and be

loved by a man-- a real man.

If I marry Diego,
I will never know.

HELENA: Yes.

To be loved physically
is the greatest

ecstasy one can experience.

You are entitled to that.

Aunt Helena, I--

I don't understand.

HELENA: You will, my dear.

I will make you
understand many things.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Aunt Helena, is
this all right?

Try it.

You're like it.

Auntie, will it always
be like with my husband?

With him, it may be
a little different.

But you're ever-loving auntie
will never be too far away.

[BIRDS SINGING]

It's beautiful.

Let's stop over there.
DIEGO: All right.

California can be beautiful,
but I won't miss it.

Oh?

Are you thinking of
going back to Spain?

I've longed to
return for some time.

Don Luis has also
spoken of a journey,

but I don't think he wants
to give up what he has here.

That's a shame, señora.

Madrid is the center
of everything,

and it gets bigger
and better every day.

You spend so much time
at the Academy with men.

You never knew any girls?

Well, of course.

What do you think I am?

I think you are something
other than what you pretend

to be, and I might prove it.

Oh?

What do you have in mind?

Help me slip out of my skirt.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Gracias, Don Diego.

Why don't you do the same?

You want those pretty
clothes to fade in the sun?

Let me help you.

A wise old man in Madrid
once told me something.

I guess he was right.

What was that?

Strip away all
the linen and lace,

and the only difference
between a queen and a whore

is time and place.

A wise old gypsy
woman in Barcelona once

told me something.

I think she was right also.

Oh?

What was that?

The longer you pretend,
the harder it gets.

[LAUGHS] Now that
I've been found out,

I guess I'd better
confess my little hoax.

HELENA: It takes a
big man to do that.

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

Things are seldom
what they seem--

skim milk masquerades as cream.

I trust you've had
your fill, my dear.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Out, dog.

Sometime tonight, sergeant.

I'll take that.

Sí, comandante.

- I'll take that, comandante.
- Zorro!

Curses!
Foiled again.

Men!

Men, Zorro just
robbed the tax money.

Search the pueblo.
Search [INAUDIBLE].

[TRUMPET SOUNDING]

Search [INAUDIBLE] cantina.

Search [INAUDIBLE].

Find Zorro!

[CLOGGED TRUMPET BLOWING]

[SWISH]

[SCREAMS]

- Silencio, idiot.
- What happened?

- Zorro.
- How you do know it's Zorro?

Look at my behind.

You know something?

This Zorro is getting
to be a pain in the ass.

[XYLOPHONE SOUND]

[INAUDIBLE] you idiots.

Behind the tower-- the tower!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Chico, on the edge.

On the edge!

[BLADES CLASHING]

[THUD]

Not that far on the edge.

Zorro's just
robbed the tax money.

The tax money?

Jose!

Jose, he's over there!
Shoot!

Shoot!
No, Jose!

[INAUDIBLE] Raul.
No!

[GUNSHOT]

[WHISTLES]

[CLACK]

[THUD]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCABBARDS RATTLE]

[BLADES CLASH]

[GROANS]

[THUD]

[MUSIC SLOWS]

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

[MUSIC SLOWS]

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

[BLADES CLASH]

Kill Zorro!

Get him!

The staircase!

[FRUSTRATED GRUNT]

- Did you see him?
- See him?

The cowardly swine, he
attacked one of my best men

from the rear.

Did he hurt him?

[INAUDIBLE]

[THUD]

Adiós, comandante.

Z?

Yes, it's a Z. I'd
call you an imbecile,

but that would be a promotion.

[MARCHING DRUM BEAT]

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

Good evening, padre.

Zorro.

[LAUGHS] Padre, don't you
recognize your old student?

Diego.

I don't understand.
You?

Zorro?
This cannot be.

I thought you were, uh--

[LAUGHS] A fagala?

No, padre.

It was only part of my disguise.

Here's part of the tax money.

You're to return to the peons
who paid it this evening.

This is wonderful.

The poor people will bless you.

Needless to say, don't crack
to anyone about my identity.

Gay Diego will stay gay Diego.

And Zorro will rid
this town of its rats.

I understand.

What will you do next?

Next, padre, I
am getting laid.

[GASPS]

[LAUGHS] Forgive me, padre,
but Zorro tells it like it is.

And now, if you'll excuse me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Maybe some day, they will
change these frustrating rules.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

67, 68, 69--

[BOOTS HITTING FLOOR]

Zorro, what are you doing here?

Shh.

There's no cause for alarm.

But what are you doing here?

Oh, you'll surely be caught.

I've come to see you.

And don't worry about
me being caught.

No one-- [LAUGHS] --not even
Luis or Esteban would ever

think of looking for me here.

But what do you want of me?

I told you, I've
come to see you.

So show me, and I'll show you.

I-- I don't understand.

You will, Maria, my love.

[MUSIC PLAYING]
You will.

Oh, Zorro, you
shouldn't be doing this.

Do want me to stop?

Oh, no.

Not yet.

Does my little dove like it?

It's so-- so muscular.

And that isn't all.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I've shown you.

Now you must show me.

But of course, my darling.
Of course.

[HARD NOTES PLAYING]

But you have not
shown me your face.

Why do you still wear
that mask and those

doofus stockings and garters?

[SHARP CORD STRUCK]

A man always wears
a mask, stockings,

and garters in these movies.

[SHARP CORD STRUCK]

Who are you, Zorro?

The man with whom you will
spend the rest of your life.

I love you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You will come again,
won't you, Zorro?

Oh, many times, my dear--

many times.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

But I still haven't
seen your face.

You aren't meant
to, my Darling--

yet.

I fear for your life.

When will I see
you again, my love?

Soon.

And the next time,
you'll see all of me.

But now, I must go.

Tomorrow, I right many wrongs
while, at the same time,

ensuring our future happiness.

Zorro!

Capitan Velasquez,
we meet again.

What are you doing here?

Not that it's any
of your business,

but I was merely
visiting my fiance,

the beautiful and
no-longer-virginal Maria,

schmuck.

No longer virginal?
Defend yourself!

[BLADES CLASH]

You are good, capitan.

I will give you a rematch
tomorrow at high noon,

in the alcalde's office.

You bet your ass you will.

[SWISH]

You don't really think
he'll come, do you, Esteban?

He's an egomaniac.

[SWISH]

He'll show.

With all of our soldiers
outside, he'd be insane.

I've given orders to
the men to let him pass.

He's mine.

Pah.

Talk about egomaniacs.

GUARD (OUTSIDE
DOOR): No, no, señor.

You cannot go in.

DIEGO (OUTSIDE DOOR):
But I must go in.

I've got information for
them about this Zorro person.

Let Don Diego pass, Seymour.

See?

I told you they'd see me, you
silly, succulents savage, you.

Well, while you two lollygag
about this dreadful office,

that Zorro person is lurking
about in my father's hacienda.

Latio!

Sí-- [SIGHS] sí, comandante?

ESTEBAN: Zorro's at
the Vega hacienda.

Get your men and
get him this time.

Yes, comandante.

Men, Zorro's at
the Vega hacienda.

Get him.

I know I can depend on you.
Go!

All of you!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[FART SOUND]

I'm afraid Zorro is a coward.

He wouldn't dare
face me alone again.

He's too smart, you fool.

He wouldn't dare
come in here with all

these soldiers outside.

But I've given
orders to let him pass.

He doesn't know
that, you moron.

Zorro is much too
crafty for that.

He has tricked you into
sending the soldiers away.

He has kept his appointment.

You mean--

Well, Don Diego--

alias, Zorro-- what
can we do for you?

You are a very
astute man, Don Luis.

And being a wise man, I know
you will do the wise thing.

Which is?

Resign your position, which
you are not fit to hold.

[COINS CLATTER]

Return all of the money, which
you have stolen from the peons

and go back to Spain
with your lovely wife.

[INAUDIBLE] my niece, Maria.

Yes.

What about Maria?

Oh, Maria.

She stays in Los Angeles.

I am going to marry her.

You cheeky bastard.

[INAUDIBLE] Esteban.

I haven't finished.

You're finished
as of right now.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SWISH]

[BLADES CLASH]

[SWISH]

[SWISH]

[BANG]

[GROANS]

My sword arm.

I'll never fight again.

Good for you, Esteban.

One should make love, not war.

And now, gentlemen,
we will conclude

the arrangements to which
you will agree, I am sure.

Yes, yes.

Anything you say.

Uncle, Esteban, Don Diego.

What does this mean?

It means, my dear, that
Don Diego is really Zorro.

Don Diego is Zorro?

Why, I don't believed that.

Zorro is a man and
Don Diego is only--

Yes, my little dove?

I'm what?

I just don't believe it.

Perhaps, when we have
concluded our arrangements

here, you'll let me prove it.

Prove it?

But how?

Zorro knows.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

LUIS: You have won, Zorro.

Helena and I shall leave
for Spain tomorrow.

What about me?

Too bad, kid.

That's the way the
enchilada crumbles.

I can't believe it.

[CHEERING AND GUNFIRE]

And so the wrongs
have been righted.

Luis Bonasario has
sailed back to Spain.

And Esteban Velasquez is
managing a cockfighting

arena in Tijuana.

And I've been restored
to my rightful place

as alcalde of Los Angeles.

The governor has been so
notified and approves.

[APPLAUSE]

And I and all my men have been
elected the new police force.

I, Felipio Latio, am Sergeant
in charge of the vice squad.

Oh, Felipio, I knew you'd
get an honest job some day.

All this was done by my son
Diego, also known as Zorro.

Let's bring him on
with a big hand.

Here he is.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[THUD]

See what the note is.

You can read.

What does it say?

(READING) Know, you, that
Luis Bonasario is a thief,

and a tyrant, and cannot
long escape my justice.

Signed, Zorro.
- Zorro?

Who the fuck is Zorro?

NARRATOR: In times
of tyranny always

comes one to right the wrongs--

--you thieving bastard.

NARRATOR: --and wrong
the unrighteous.

Such a one was Zorro.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It's all new, all nude,
lewd and lascivious Zorro.

It's Entertainment
Ventures' masterwork

of adult exposition, "The
Erotic Adventures of Zorro."

[BLADE SWISHING]

[THUMP]

No kiddie matinee Zorro, this.

Here is a Zorro with balls.

What will you do next?

Next, I am getting laid.

[GASPS]

[LAUGHS] Forgive me, padre.

But Zorro tells it like it is.

NARRATOR: Brandishing
his long, quick rapier,

he wrought carnage and rapture.

Those who dared come up
against him got stuck.

It all happened in a
little Spanish town

called Los Angeles.

All right, you people.

It's April 15.

You all know what that means.

It's tax time.

[GROANING]

LUIS: You want good government?

You got to pay for it!

NARRATOR: The poor peasants were
being taxed up their assets.

[WHIP CRACKS]

Those who couldn't pay
had to work it off--

hard.

LUIS: Since your father
cannot pay his taxes,

you girls must pay.

However, we will
let you work it off.

Sergeant Latio, take charge
of these two tasty wenches

and collect 250 pesos,
plus a final 50 pesos

for disturbing the peace.

300 pesos?

They'll be 45 years old
by the time they pay it.

NARRATOR: The time had come for
someone to take things in hand.

[SLAP]

[YELP]

Glad to see you have
everything in hand, sergeant.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Wait until she finds
out his saber is bent.

NARRATOR: That
someone was Zorro--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[RAPIER CLATTERS]

--fencing and [INAUDIBLE]
his way right up your heart.

I've shown you.

Now you must show me.

But of course, my darling.

Of course.

NARRATOR: By day, he
masqueraded as a señor eater.

By night, he straightened
out and went down

the line with Maria climbed--

a regular Spanish Batman.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

But you have not
shown me your face.

Why do you still wear that
mask and those stupid stockings

and garters.

I'll take that.

Sí, comandante.

- I'll take that, comandante.
- Zorro!

Men!
Zorro just robbed the tax money.

Search the pueblo.

Search the church.

Search [INAUDIBLE] cantina.

Search [INAUDIBLE].

Find Zorro!

[CLACK]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You cheeky bastard.

[INAUDIBLE] Esteban.

I haven't finished.

You're finished as of right now.

NARRATOR: The intrepid
team that brought

you Traitor Horny now brings
you a fantastic motion picture--

[GLASS SHATTERS]
--with something for everyone--

killing--

[THUD]

--rape, spectacle, comedy--

[SWISH]

[SCREAMS]

Silencio, idiot.

What happened?

Zorro.

How do you know it's Zorro?

Look at my behind.

You know something?

This Zorro is getting
to be a pain in the ass.

NARRATOR: --sex, flamenco
dancing, perversion,

horseback riding, torture--

[SCREAMING]

--lesbians, sword fighting,
naked girls, entertainment.

All in the audacious,
outrageous, "The Erotic

Adventures of Zorro."

All the memorable characters
of this beloved classic

come to life before
your very eyes.

The evil alcalde--

[LAUGHTER]

--the equally evil
Esteban Velazquez--

I had the finest
cock in Barcelona--

NARRATOR: --the virginal Maria--

Father, how can
you say such things?

I mean, if I were to become a
nun, I must remain a virgin.

What a waste.

NARRATOR: --the experienced
Helena, the kindly priest--

The military schools can
do funny things to a boy.

NARRATOR: --Sergeant
Felipio Latio--

But when you do
what I want you to do,

you'll still be a virgin.
- No.

I can't.

[INAUDIBLE] Fear not.

Relief is just a swallow away.

NARRATOR: --Rosita
and Margarita--

And they're
virgins, comandante.

Virgins.

NARRATOR: --Graciela
[INAUDIBLE]..

[LAUGHTER]

Mwah.

NARRATOR: They're all
here to thrill you anew.

[SWISH]

Parental guidance recommend.

[SWISH]

Have your parents guide you to
this theater to see "The Erotic

Adventures of Zorro."

[BLADE SWISHING]

Adiós, comandante.

NARRATOR: The first adult
movie rated Z, "The Erotic

Adventures of Zorro."

[BLADE SWISHING]

And for those
selective few of you

with a taste for the hard stuff,
here are a few of the scenes

that made it so hard for us.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

If you're old enough to vote,
you're old enough to see it.

And you'll vote it the
best you've ever seen.

"The Erotic
Adventures of Zorro."

[BLADE SWISHING]