The Entertainers (1991) - full transcript
Bob Newhart stars as comedian Todd Wilson, whose act includes a chimp. Linda Gray plays Laura, the love interest - for Todd, not the chimp.
(MultiCom Jingle)
(upbeat music)
(applause, chattering)
- Listen.
The bosses are gonna kill
me, I have to get off.
One thing I have to tell you,
I should have told you
when I first came out.
I'm one quarter German,
three quarters Irish,
which makes me a very meticulous drunk.
(audience laughs)
I think the humor comes
from the Irish side
because the Germans have never been known
as one of the great, fun races.
(audience laughs)
You see, the Germans,
they don't understand
American humor because Americans,
like we very often say the exact opposite
of what we mean and the
Germans, they're very literal.
Like a German visitor might
come up to you and say,
"Would you explain something to me please?
"Your friend Curly, has no
hair at all on his head..
(audience laughs)
"And Tiny is over 350 pounds."
(audience laughs)
Thank you very much.
I hope you had as much
fun as I did tonight,
I really have to go, thank you very much.
(upbeat music)
(audience applause)
- [Woman] This show will
air tomorrow night after
the six o'clock news.
- [Todd] Well, that'd be great.
- [Man] In five, four, three, two.
- Good evening, this is Nancy Hayes
and welcome to Nightlife.
Tonight our guest is comedian Todd Wilson,
who's enjoying a smash
engagement here in Los Angeles.
Hi, Todd.
- Hi Nancy.
- For our Nightlife
audience out there, tell us,
what have you been up to?
- Well, I just closed
in Chicago, and I'm here
for another week and
then I'm up to Las Vegas
for three weeks.
- Las Vegas.
It looks like everyone is
having such a good time.
Is it really that much fun?
- Oh, you should have time to find out.
It's the first time I've ever
played Las Vegas as a single.
I used to be half of a comedy team.
- I didn't know you were part of a team.
How long were you guys together?
- Probably before you were born.
Uh, actually, it was, uh, 25 years.
We had some tough times
over the years, but,
Archie never changed.
Archie?
He was like a little
kid, always having fun,
just trying to blend in with the crowd.
Archie?
Which, in Archie's case, wasn't so easy.
Archie?
(Archie vocalizes)
(soft carousel music)
I didn't know if you
wanted cookies or fruit,
so I got you a pear.
Just pretend the dark
spots are chocolate chips.
Cookies are loaded with sugar and fat.
You shouldn't eat anything
that's bad for you.
(Archie grumbles)
It's decaffeinated.
(Archie vocalizes)
(Archie vocalizes)
We found a hotel with plenty of vacancies
and it was easy to understand why.
But at least it had a
bathroom, which gave Archie
a place to hide while I unpacked.
I swear, he could see through walls.
As soon as I finished, out
he'd come, no matter what.
(Archie grunts)
Archie, would you towel off?
You look like some hairball coughed up by
the world's biggest cat.
(Archie vocalizes)
This gig could be our big break, you know.
The bottom line is three paid weeks,
and these days, that is
nothing to sneeze at.
(Archie sneezes)
Very funny.
(Archie laughs)
A lot of heavyweights come into that club,
and we could get spotted
by some talent scout
who's looking for an opening
act for Wayne Newton.
(Archie vocalizes)
(kisses)
I'm sure it was good for her, too.
Night, kiddo
(Archie vocalizes)
(soft music)
You probably won't have
too much trouble guessing
what my dreams were like.
(upbeat music)
(applause, cheering)
Was she great or what,
ladies and gentlemen?
(applause, cheering)
You know, actually, I
loved having Anne Margaret
as our opening act.
Well actually I liked her,
Archie prefers Jane Goodall.
(laughing)
(applause, cheering)
Ladies and gentlemen, my
partner, my best friend,
and ex-vice presidential candidate,
Archie right here, ladies and gentlemen.
(upbeat music)
(applause, cheering)
(soft music)
I always wondered what kind of stuff
Archie's dreams were about.
Probably just like mine.
(upbeat percussion music)
(animals vocalizing)
(snoring)
(upbeat, quirky music)
(knocking)
- Come on in.
- Usually, word of mouth had preceded us
when we played a new club.
Hi, are you Randy Mason?
- Sure am.
(Archie vocalizes)
And who are you?
- I'm Todd Wilson, and this is Archie.
We start a three week gig here tonight.
- Your agent said that
you were a comedy team.
- We are.
He's the straight man.
Is there a problem?
- We're strictly a comedy club.
- We're strictly a comedy team.
My partner just happens to be a chimp.
(Archie vocalizes)
- Look, I can't bring
an animal act in here.
- Look, he doesn't ride
around the stage on a unicycle
or wear silly clothes, he
just, he works with me,
like any other comedy team.
- Look, uh, Todd?
I think we're gonna have to pass.
(Archie blows raspberry)
- We have a contract.
I even had Archie's ax notarized.
- Look, I'm sorry but when
I signed that contract,
I thought I was making a
deal with a couple of guys.
- Oh.
Oh you don't think he's a guy, huh?
Archie, show him how macho you are.
(Archie yells)
Put a watch on him, he could
pass for Schwarzenegger.
(upbeat, quirky music)
I was getting the idea
by now that my agent
wasn't paying much
attention to our career.
(upbeat, quirky music)
Wait over there, and don't
chew on the magazines.
(upbeat, quirky music)
I'm Todd Wilson, I'd
like to see Irwin Stein.
- Will he know what
this is in reference to?
- I'm his client for the past 25 years.
I think, I think my
name might ring a bell.
- Fine.
- Hey, I told you this would happen.
20 years ago, you told me your dream was
to play a Vegas show room.
"Lose the chimpanzee," I said.
"Do stand up," I said, and
what did you say to me?
"I can't leave Archie."
He's holding you back, Todd.
Animal acts are passe,
with a capital pass.
- Do you know that a dying chimp
will sometimes hold off his death for days
just to die in the arms of his loved one?
Where do you see that kind
of loyalty among humans?
(door opens)
Irwin?
Ir, Irwin?
You're fired, Irwin.
Passe my foot.
You and I are as fresh
and funny as we were
25 years ago, and I know
just the place to prove it.
(upbeat, quirky music)
You see now these, these are real hotels.
I wonder how passe we're gonna seem
when we wind up playing in the show
in one of these babies. (chuckles)
(upbeat, quirky music)
I'll trade you half a tuna sandwich for
one of those bananas.
(Archie grunts)
Just a suggestion.
(Archie vocalizes)
(upbeat, quirky music)
How was I supposed to know it was a female
impersonator show?
All right.
Geisha Lounge.
No.
Seven lounges, seven no's.
(Archie vocalizes)
All right, let's go find a motel and
we'll try some more lounges tomorrow.
Come on.
Come on, Archie.
- Excuse me.
- We'd be working tonight
if uyou looked more
like Madame Butterfly.
(Archie grunts)
I've become a real expert
on motels over the years and
one of the things I've
noticed is that every time
you've stayed in what you think is
the biggest dump imaginable,
a worse one comes along.
(upbeat, quirky music)
Don't look at me like that.
We can't afford to pass up a bargain;
it's $10 a night.
It's only until we get a job on the strip.
Now, duck your head down.
Look, I don't make the rules.
The other thing I
figured is that somewhere
there's a motel God who
assigns desk clerks to
the motel that most, uh, perfectly fits
the personality.
- It's $20 a night, in advance.
- 20?
Your signs says 10.
- $10 a person.
You don't like it?
Go up the strip and try to find cheaper.
- All right here's for,
here's for two nights, but
for this kind of money,
we want privacy.
- Number 10, down on your left.
- Who was that?
- Oh, just another married
guy here for a convention,
shacking up with one of the local bimbos.
- Listen to this, Archie.
Chick Balton is putting together a big
25th anniversary show.
Did you remember to flush?
(Archie vocalizes)
They need singers, dancers,
(toilet flushes)
magicians, and other entertainers.
Chick Balton is the biggest
producer here in Las Vegas.
Did you wash your hands?
(Archie vocalizes)
A--
Archie?
(Archie vocalizes)
Don't.
Don't you dare lock that door.
(Archie vocalizes)
Archie, you know you're
not allowed to lock
the bathroom door, now open it.
(Archie vocalizes)
(knocking)
Open it!
- Oh, I'm sorry, I
thought you said open it.
- Uh.
I, uh.
Are you, are you the maid?
(doorknob jangling)
Stay, uh, stay in there, dad.
My father just, he just got out of the tub
and he isn't dressed.
- Don't worry, next time just put the
"Do Not Disturb" sign outside.
Well since I'm already here,
do you want me to make--
- Uh, no.
No, just, just leave the sheets.
Yeah, we'll make the bed ourselves.
We do it all the time.
Don't come out, dad, there's a lady here.
- You change your own sheets?
(Archie vocalizes)
(woman gasps)
- Dad.
(Archie vocalizes)
Don't be frightened.
- I'm not frightened.
I'm just, uh, trying to figure
out a way to let you know
that your father is a chimpanzee.
- This is Archie, and I'm Todd.
- Hi, Archie.
(upbeat, quirky music)
- [Todd] So we went over
to try to see Chick.
As in any good hotel,
their first line of defense
was at the front door.
That is kind of smart.
You, you have to get up
pretty early in the morning
to fool this guy.
- It's a monkey.
- Hey, have a little respect
for your ancestors, eh?
Park this in the VIP parking please.
(people chattering)
Come on Archie, come on, come on.
- I'm sorry sir, but, he
can't go in the casino.
- Oh, see I was afraid of that, Arch.
You've been spotted as a card counter.
It's a joke.
I'm Todd, and this is my partner, Archie.
We're here for the Chick Balton revue.
- Oh, that's different.
Let me check the list.
(people chattering)
I don't see Todd Wilson.
- Let me see.
Sometimes they....
(people chattering)
Sometimes they put Archie's name first.
Check...
Archie saw her before I did.
- Archie?
Archie.
- Guard! (whistles)
Get over here!
- No, no, it's all right.
I know him.
Where's your dad?
Archie, where's your dad?
(people chattering)
- Maybe it's under my last name, Wilson,
or maybe Archie's last name, Smith.
(Archie vocalizes)
She looked as great as ever.
Wish I could say the same for me.
Laura?
- Hello, Todd.
- You know this guy?
- I used to.
- I never, I never
thought I'd see you again.
- Should we go inside?
- In a minute.
- You trying out for the revue?
- Um.
Yes, you could say that.
- Uh, well, I have, I have to get going.
We're going to miss the opening at the...
Look at me, in your business.
I should be saying good bye.
Well it was, uh,
it was nice seeing you.
Come on Archie.
Come on.
(soft, romantic music)
After 15 years, you'd think
it wouldn't hurt anymore.
Okay, you'd better get some rest.
We're gonna try again in the morning.
(soft, romantic music)
(people chattering)
- [Man] Hey, you, black loafers.
Over here.
(Archie vocalizes)
- [Todd] I beg your pardon?
- Over here.
You need a shine.
- I'd love to, but I don't have the money.
Sam?
- You can't be Todd Wilson?
- Yes, I can.
- Well, Todd, you look good. (laughs)
Todd Wilson.
Is this your new partner?
- The same one as always.
- Well I'll be damned.
Archibald.
I would've thought that you had long since
left us for that big
banana ranch in the sky.
- Well his ticker isn't as
strong as it used to be, but,
he's doing okay.
- You just hop up here in this chair,
and let me give you a free one.
(Archie vocalizes)
There's some grapes in my bag there,
if you get hungry, Archibald.
- You know, you're the,
uh, you're the only one
he'd ever let call him that?
(chuckles)
When did you leave Miami?
- When my arthritis got fed up with all
that rain and humidity.
An old man's bones needs
this dry, desert air.
What about yourself?
- Oh, we're just here
trying to pick up a gig.
Problem is, some people
think that Archie and I don't
have a cutting edge act.
- Oh, bull.
You two were the best act that ever played
the Carousel Lounge on Biscayne Boulevard.
What did they hold you over for?
Six months?
(Archie vocalizes)
- Eight.
(machines rattling)
- Let's hope this broad's
over her headache from
last night and can sign those contracts,
'cause if she don't sign,
we don't have a show.
- Well maybe we can get
another singer to fill in.
- I spent six months stealing
her from The Paradise.
People don't wanna hear another singer,
they wanna hear Laura Connolly.
(knocking)
Hello.
- Mr. Balton.
- Oh please, please, call me Chick.
Everybody does, don't they, Greg?
- Yes, Mr. Balton.
- I thought maybe you'd be
ready to sign the contracts
for the show now.
- Won't you two please come in?
- Well, actually, Greg has
some stuff to take care of
down in the casino, but,
I think I can handle this
by myself.
- Come in, please.
- Thanks.
(clears throat)
I can't tell you how thrilled we are
that you've decided to headline the show.
- Thank you.
May I get you some coffee?
- Oh, thanks.
Black is fine.
Is the suite satisfactory?
- It's lovely.
But I would like to talk
to you about the contracts.
- Oh, sure.
(chuckles)
Right here, Miss Connolly,
and everything's just the
way we've worked it out.
I mean, your agent and I.
- I don't think I wanna sign.
- I beg your pardon?
- I meant, I don't think
I wanna sign until I get
just one more little thing.
- Oh. (chuckles)
Well name it, what?
Bigger dressing room, a
little more money, what?
What?
- Remember when we pulled in yesterday?
The chimpanzee?
- Yeah, yeah, you mean the
fuzz wad that groped you
by the limo?
- I want him in the revue.
With his owner, of course.
- Listen, I already have
magicians, skaters, jugglers.
What do we need a monkey act for?
- Because you don't have a singer.
Yet.
- Oh. (chuckles)
Oh.
Okay.
But I can't guarantee
him a slot in the revue
until I know they're funny, so
let me put 'em in the lounge.
If they work out, they'll
go right into the show.
Deal?
- Pass the contracts.
- The trick in this
business is to get yourself
a unique act and stick with it,
and that's the philosophy
Arch and I always live by.
What's his name?
- Terrance.
- Cute little guy, isn't he?
(Archie vocalizes)
Where's he from?
- England?
- You hear that?
He's English.
- [Man] Todd and Archie.
Todd and Archie.
- Listen, um, bring him around some time.
Archie'll show him some tricks.
(Terrance vocalizes)
It turned out to be
more of a lunch meeting
than an audition.
- Hold it right there.
He's a little old, isn't he?
(Archie vocalizes)
- Old?
Would you like to arm wrestle with him?
- I wonder how kids would
identify with a chimp that old.
- Kids love him.
He's like a cross between
a grandfather and a pet.
- Where's his props?
- [Todd] What props?
- Props?
Beach ball.
Jump rope.
Motorcycle.
- Archie doesn't do monkey tricks.
- Then excuse me, what does he do?
- It's what we do.
We do comedy.
- Who let this guy in here?
Thanks.
Next act, please.
(Archie vocalizes)
- You mean you're not
even gonna look at us?
- He said thank you.
- [Man] Next.
(upbeat pop rock music)
- Cowabunga, dudes.
- [Judges] Now this is more like it.
- If you could give me
a little beat there,
that would be great.
Okay?
See you tomorrow.
- Oh, Miss Connolly?
Hi, how's it going?
- Very well, thank you.
- About that chimpanzee.
- Todd and Archie.
- Tried the number you
gave me, but, Irwin Stein
said he no longer handles 'em.
- Well did he give you the
number of their new agent?
- As far as he knows, they don't have one,
and I'd love to keep
my end of the bargain,
but if I can't even find these--
- I'll find 'em.
- Good, and when you do, just let me know
how to get ahold of them.
Oh, Miss Connolly?
I'm thinking of having
a few people in my suite
for dinner tonight.
Would you care to join us?
- Oh, no, no thank you.
I have something I have to do.
- Oh.
Another time, maybe.
(upbeat, bumbly music)
- Nothing.
I can't believe it.
What happens to the days when
if you had a good novelty act,
everybody wanted you?
I'm not sure I have enough money to pay
for this room after tonight.
Better go down to the
office and see if the owner
can be sweet talked into being
a little more flexible until
we get work.
(soft music)
All right, kiddo.
It had been almost an
hour since the last time
I was humiliated, so I figured
I'd give Madame LaFarge
a chance.
- What kind of a rip off
are you trying to pull?
- I'm not trying to rip you off.
I just wanted to know if we could have a
few day's grace on our room.
- No pay, no stay.
(phone ringing)
- Okay, okay, I'll get the money.
- If you don't have 20 bucks
by check out time tomorrow,
you can take a hike,
and that goes for your
little pet, too.
- You knew about him?
- Him?
- Todd, Todd, this is for Archie.
- Oh, great, Archie loves apples.
- Well, actually, he tells
me that he prefers bugs,
but I don't carry those in my back pocket.
I heard Miss Spindell
yelling at you, what's wrong?
- Uh, she's afraid we're
gonna stiff her on the room.
- Oh, relax.
She thinks everybody's gonna stiff her.
- We're down to our last few bucks
and I can't find any work.
I've tried every club I could find.
Nobody wants us.
- Well you know what?
My brother.
He's a waiter at a little
club on the edge of town.
Maybe he can get you something there.
- Well, I've never worked as a waiter.
I guess I could learn.
- Not as a waiter, you
ding dong, as entertainers.
- You think they'd take us?
- Well, it wouldn't hurt to ask.
I'll call right now.
- Well, you know, that's
show business for you.
The next thing we knew, we were, uh,
well, you know, you could
say we were headlining this
incredible international revue.
(cheering)
(dramatic guitar music)
(cheering)
(upbeat mariachi music)
(upbeat mariachi music)
(man singing in Spanish)
(audience applause)
(cheering)
(man speaking in Spanish)
(audience applause)
(cheering)
(upbeat mariachi music)
(man singing in Spanish)
(audience applause)
(cheering)
(soft music)
Um, a margarita without salt and a glass
of water for me, please.
- Margarita without salt.
Now that's a good memory.
(soft music)
- Well, sometimes, a good
memory can be a disadvantage.
- Where's Archie?
- Oh, he's taking a little nap.
Not as young as he used to be.
- Who is?
- Right.
So, how'd you find us?
- I just followed the
trail of banana peels.
(chuckles)
- No, seriously.
How'd you find us?
- I hit every club in the phone book,
and I showed them your photograph.
- Oh, I, uh, I would have
thought you'd be carrying
a photograph of that director I read about
you were living with a couple years ago.
- He didn't mean anything to me.
- Ah.
So, what are you doing here?
- Well I came to see if you and Archie
were as good as you used to be.
- And?
- You're not.
You're better.
(chuckles)
Makes me wonder why you're
playing this small place
off the strip.
- Oh, uh.
We're doing a, a favor for a friend.
- You can make more working
in Chick Balton's revue.
- They don't need us.
- Oh, didn't you hear?
A couple of the variety acts fell out.
A flu, or something.
And they're really looking
for an act like yours.
- You know, maybe, you
know, Archie and I'll
check that out in the morning.
You know, who knows, we could wind up
sharing the same bill again.
This was my chance to make my move,
or Archie was gonna have to
sleep in the car tonight.
- Well I probably should be going.
- Yeah, I probably should
be checking on Archie.
- Good night.
It was nice seeing you again.
- [Todd] Well you know,
you don't make a star like
Archie if you sleep in a car.
It just isn't done.
(upbeat, quirky music)
(knocking)
- What?
(upbeat, quirky music)
- The guy with the monkey is here.
- Right.
What's his name?
- Who?
- The guy.
- Oh, um...
Todd Wilson.
- Well tell him to come in.
- Balton was as tough as they come,
so I decided to let him know
who was calling the shots.
Hello again, Mr. Balton.
- Right.
Now here's the deal.
You start in the lounge, 800 a week.
If you can cut it there,
you go right into the revue.
Greg will show you your dressing room,
give you your motel allowance,
and first week's pay.
- Uh, don't you wanna see us audition?
- What?
- Audition, you know, don't
you wanna see our act?
- I heard you were good,
that's all I need to know.
Now if you and your friend don't mind,
I've got a business to run here.
- Uh, thanks.
- Yeah.
- Uh, thanks.
Thanks a lot.
(people chattering)
(upbeat music)
Archie.
Didn't I tell ya?
(Archie vocalizes)
(upbeat music)
It seems if you've got real talent,
they treat you with respect.
(Archie vocalizes)
(upbeat, quirky music)
Now, you're sure this is
the dressing table you want?
Because there's no changing
your mind later on.
(Archie grunts)
Archie, I'll be back in a
few minutes once you make
up your mind.
(Archie vocalizes)
I figured Archie was old
enough for me to leave
him there with the champagne.
After all, in human
terms, he was, uh, 138?
(Archie vocalizes)
(people chattering)
(knocking)
Uh, Western Union.
- What's the message?
- Uh, the message is, uh,
"Thank you for the champagne,
"stop, and for tipping
me off to the job, stop."
- Your talent got you here, not me.
- Oh.
I brought you these.
(soft music)
- I remember the first time
you brought me daisies.
- Me, too.
- Well hell again Archie.
- Todd, Todd.
Archie's the one with the prehensile feet.
- Oh, good.
- What beautiful roses.
- The hotel likes to welcome its star in a
first class way.
Wait, I have something else for you.
Would you mind holding these, Arch?
(chuckles)
- Todd.
- I'll hold those for you.
- Thank you.
It's lovely.
It's a bird.
- Agapornis roseicollis,
the peach faced lovebird.
It's the showroom logo.
- It's beautiful.
- A lovebird suits you.
Oh, I am being rude.
You have a rehearsal to get to.
Here, let me take these.
Shall I come in and put
these in a vase for you?
(machines rattling)
(bell ringing)
- So what kind of props do you need?
- Well I need two, two bar stools.
You know, the kind with backs.
- Uh huh.
- And a dozen champagne
glasses, unbreakable, flexi,
and two bottles of sparkling apple juice.
- Okay.
I think that's everything.
- Um, how many people can this place hold?
- Oh on a good night, 200.
I'll see that your props
are set before the show.
- Come here, Arch, I
wanna show you somethin'.
(Archie vocalizing)
Okay Arch, don't be nervous.
There's nobody here.
(Archie vocalizes)
Well this is it.
This is the big room.
If we do okay in the lounge,
this would be our new home.
I wonder how many people it'll seat.
A thousand, maybe?
Geez.
A thousand people paying
40 bucks a head to see us.
(Archie vocalizes)
Okay, okay, us and some supporting acts.
Well, I guess this'll show
everybody we're not passe.
(footsteps approaching)
Decision time.
Beautiful, desirable woman
or three foot elderly chimp?
Arch, Archie, come here.
Why don't you sit here and make a drawing,
and I'm gonna talk to Laura.
(soft piano music)
Oh, that sounds familiar.
You think you can still
sing it in the key of C?
- Well my voice hasn't let me down yet.
- Good, 'cause that's the
only key I can play it in.
- Well I thought you
could play in all keys.
- I could, but, um, hunting accident.
It's not a pretty story.
(chuckles)
(soft piano music)
♪ When your heart breaks down ♪
♪ You don't understand ♪
♪ When you feel alone at night ♪
♪ You need a loving hand ♪
♪ Don't be afraid ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll always be there ♪
♪ I'm someone who loves you ♪
♪ Someone who cares ♪
♪ And I'll be ♪
♪ Somebody to lean on ♪
♪ Somebody to talk to ♪
♪ In the dark at night ♪
♪ Just need ♪
♪ Somebody to hold you ♪
♪ Somebody that knows you, darlin' ♪
♪ Makes you feel at home ♪
♪ When you're alone ♪
♪ As long as you know
that wherever you go ♪
♪ You're never alone ♪
♪ You'll believe ♪
♪ Clouds come and go but
the sun never leaves ♪
♪ It's always there but
sometimes you can't see it ♪
♪ I'll need ♪
♪ Somebody to lean on ♪
♪ Somebody to talk to ♪
♪ In the dark at night ♪
♪ You just need ♪
♪ Somebody to hold you ♪
♪ Somebody that knows you, darlin' ♪
♪ And makes you feel at home ♪
♪ When you're alone ♪
♪ Oh darlin' ♪
♪ When you're alone ♪
Did I, did I get that last chord right?
- Um.
Try this.
(soft piano music)
- You know, it hasn't been 15
years since I last saw you.
- It hasn't?
- No, I saw you five years
ago in Atlantic City.
Yeah, you were playing at
The Palace and Archie and I
were at the Million Dollar
Pier a couple of weeks
before it fell into the ocean.
- Oh, I remember that.
But I didn't know that you were there.
- And then after our show,
I'd run over to The Palace
and I'd sit in the balcony
and watch you sing.
Every night.
Well every night except the last night.
I didn't go to the last
night 'cause I, I didn't.
I didn't want it to be over.
Remember the move I didn't make yesterday?
Well, this was the time.
You know, I never blamed
you for dumping me.
- What?
- Well I mean, who wouldn't have run out?
I mean, you were a
singer rising to stardom,
and what was I?
I was a novelty act.
- And that's why you think I left?
- Well let's face it,
I mean, I couldn't do
anything for you.
And then I read in the tabloids
that you were living with
a big time talent agent.
- He didn't mean anything to me.
- Well maybe not, but I, you
know, I figured you were,
you were doing what was
best for your career.
- Let me get this straight.
You think I'm the kind of
woman who dumps somebody
who can't help her career,
and then sleeps her way
to the top?
- I didn't say that.
- I'd stay away from
her if I were you, pal.
- Why?
- Well, she's the headliner
and you're just another
novelty act.
She's also a lady, and
you're a guy who rooms
with a chimpanzee.
And last but not least,
she's mine.
- Well you know, like I said before,
you don't make a big star
like Archie sleep in a car.
(soft piano music)
I don't know maybe, maybe Chick
Balton was pulling my chain?
It's just that he doesn't
seem like the type
that Laura would go for.
Yeah, you're right.
What difference does it make?
That was 15 years ago,
and I'm blowing it now.
(people chattering)
Always be nice to the kitchen help.
It can mean the difference
between a hamburger,
and a porterhouse steak.
(Archie vocalizes)
- Excuse me?
You can't bring that monkey in here.
- Well why not?
He's an employee just like you.
- Hard to think he's just like me.
- I'll take that back, you're right.
He's got a personality.
(workers laughing)
- Hey, hey.
It's okay, I know these guys.
I saw you two at El Toro Rojo.
You were really good man.
(workers agreeing)
- You hear that Arch?
A fan. (chuckles)
- The fact remains that I
can't allow him in here.
- Hey look, you're in
charge out there, all right?
And I'm in charge back here.
Now, you wanna argue with us?
(workers agreeing)
- Did I tell you about Archie's ice trick?
(man yells)
(workers laughing)
(upbeat, quirky music)
(machines rattling)
(people chattering)
Okay, Archie, which one of
these machines looks like
it's ready to cough up some dollars?
(Archie vocalizes)
(people laughing)
Okay, I'll tell you what.
I'll take this one and
you find one for yourself.
(people laughing)
No, no, no, no.
(people laughing)
Archie, I told you, this is mine.
You find one for yourself.
(people laughing)
- You've been putting on shows here
as long as I've run this place.
But a chimp act?
- I have my doubts, too, but
if it keeps the star happy, it's worth it.
(people laughing)
- What's going on here?
- Archie, I told you.
Wait until I put a dollar in.
(people laughing)
- He's funneling, can you believe it?
What does he think this is?
The Catskills?
- Pull, Archie.
All the way.
Archie was a shrewd gambler.
His trick was that
he had this poker face.
You know, you just couldn't
tell what he was thinking.
(cheering)
(machine ringing)
- They seem to love it.
(cheering)
(machine ringing)
- Okay, okay Archie, that's enough.
Let's go home and we'll put
this in your piggy bank.
(people laughing)
Archie, ladies and gentlemen.
Todd and Archie, we'll see
you at the lounge tonight.
(cheering)
(upbeat, quirky music)
(knocking)
Things were going so well, it was time to
straighten things out with Laura.
- Todd.
- Can I, can I come in?
- Sure.
- Look, Laura.
I know you hate my guts.
- I don't hate you.
- Well that's sure what
it sounded like yesterday.
- Yesterday you implied
that I ran out on you.
- Well maybe I'm crazy, but,
you know receiving a postcard
from New York saying,
"Good bye, don't call me."
It just might possibly be construed as
running out on a guy.
Laura?
I asked you to marry me.
- Three times.
But each time before we
could actually get married,
you and Archie disappeared.
- Paying gigs.
I mean, you knew we always
went where the work was.
- Oh, I know.
It was always legitimate.
It was always work.
But after the third time,
I knew that you were
never going to go through
with the wedding.
Face the facts.
You have used Archie to
avoid making a commitment,
to a viable career,
or to a person.
(sighs)
- Laura.
I loved you.
- I know.
But you didn't need me.
I know that because every time we'd start
to get close together,
you'd find an excuse to
stay away from me.
- Look.
Is there any way to make this thing right?
- Maybe we could start by
going to get a cup of coffee?
- I, I have to go.
- I don't believe this.
- We have a rehearsal.
- This is a rerun of 15 years ago.
- We can have a coffee right after--
- Get out!
Get out of here, Todd
Wilson, before I scream.
- You are screaming.
- Get out.
Out!
Get out!
- [Todd] I know you don't believe me but
I used to be a terrific straightener.
- Damn him.
- Archie and I always did the same things
to get ready for a show.
The only difference was that I shaved.
Look good.
(Archie vocalizes)
(Archie vocalizes)
Sound good.
(Archie vocalizes)
(gurgling)
Smell good.
(Archie vocalizes)
And, feel good.
Come on, there we go.
Okay, let's go out and kill 'em, Archie.
Come on.
Come on.
(Archie vocalizing)
- [Announcer] And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands
together, and extend a hearty
Las Vegas to that hilarious twosome,
Todd and Archie.
(applause)
(upbeat music)
- Thank you very much
ladies and gentlemen.
Archie and I would like
to start off our show.
Archie?
(audience laughs)
Where is Archie?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
(applause)
(laughing)
Archie, would you mind coming up here?
I want you up here right this minute.
(audience laughs)
Archie, it's time to start
the show, now stop that.
(audience laughs)
Archie, do you realize
that that lady's husband
is seated right next to her?
What is he gonna say?
(audience laughs)
(applause)
Archie.
(audience applause)
(audience applause)
Archie, I'm glad you decided to join me.
Maybe now we can start the show.
You know, ladies and gentlemen,
believe it or not, Archie is
an expert charades players.
And to demonstrate his uncanny ability,
just before the show,
Archie and a stagehand
chose a member of our
audience, completely at random,
to select a title.
I'm gonna try to guess
that title based solely
on the clues given to me by Archie.
All right, Archie, you wanna
show the card to the audience?
(audience laughs)
You're right, you're right.
(audience chattering)
(clapping)
Okay, I'm ready when you are, Arch.
(Archie vocalizing)
A song.
Six words in the title.
First word.
Eyes.
Eyeballs.
The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You.
Angel eyes?
You can't hide your lying eyes.
Blind as a one-eyed sailor.
(audience laughs)
Uh, a vision.
Uh, sight.
Uh, eyes.
I?
I.
(audience applause)
Second word.
Uh, second word.
Sounds like.
Meandering.
You're meandering.
You're walking.
I'm walking the float
over to you, thank you.
No?
Okay, all right.
A walk on the wild side.
Walk, don't run.
Uh, I'd walk the entire world for just
one dance with you.
Roving, you're roving.
You're roaming in the gloaming.
(audience exclaims)
You're wandering.
Sounds like, sounds like wander.
Wandering?
Wander.
Sounds like wander, wonder.
I wonder.
Oh, this is easy.
(audience applause)
I wonder what time it is.
No?
(audience laughs)
(Archie vocalizing)
(audience laughing)
I Wonder Who's Kissing Her Now?
(Archie vocalizes)
(upbeat music)
(applause)
(upbeat music)
(Todd drowned out by applause)
(upbeat music)
(applause)
(applause)
- Boy, I tell you, you two
were just wonderful tonight.
(workers agreeing)
- Well, we had a great audience.
Archie, go easy there.
- It's okay, let him have
fun, it's a celebration.
(workers agreeing)
- I don't want his
cholesterol to celebrate
breaking the 300 mark.
(laughing)
No, no, no listen.
Chimps get exactly the
same diseases that we get.
- Hey Archie.
Archie, your partner doesn't
want you to have any fun.
What to you think about that, huh?
(Archie blows raspberry)
(workers laughing)
- You saw with your own eyes,
they killed the audience.
I want them in the revue.
- They're making great
money in the lounge.
Why don't we just leave well enough alone?
- We had a deal.
- Well, we didn't have
anything in writing,
and your contract for the show was signed,
sealed, and delivered.
(clears throat)
(coughs)
What's the matter?
- Laryngitis.
(clears throat)
- What?
(coughs)
- It could be weeks before
I can sing again. (coughs)
- I don't believe this.
- Believe it.
(beeping)
- [Greg] Yes, Mr. Balton?
- Greg, tell that Todd
Wilson and his chimpanzee
they're in the revue.
- After my spot.
- After Miss Connolly's number.
- [Greg] Yes, sir.
(phone ringing)
- I hate it when the phone wakes me up,
but over the years I've
developed a clever way
to answer.
Hello?
Oh, hi Greg.
Uh, sure I can meet him at three o'clock.
Thank you, good bye.
1:30?
Day time 1:30?
Come on, get up Arch, we've
slept away half the day.
Yeah, you're right.
We're both too old to be partying until
three in the morning.
(people chattering)
- Just remember, you're
working for me, not for them.
They should go home
happy, but not too rich.
(Chick clears throat)
- Take a break.
Todd, this is Mr. Cadwell,
the president of the hotel.
- Oh, great to meet you.
And thanks for the shot at the main room.
Archie and I, we won't let you down.
- I understand this is your first time
in a big showroom.
- First time, yeah.
- Well things are different
from the way they are
in the lounge.
- Mr. Cadwell heard
you worked chimp loose.
- Well, I let Archie, uh, I let Archie go
and find funny bits, if
that's what he means.
But if the crowd laughs
and Archie leaves it in,
you know, it's always
worked for us in the past.
- No, not here in the big room.
(people chattering)
(machines rattling)
- We're saying you gotta
tighten up your act.
I mean, you work the animal
lose, you're on stage what,
five, six, seven minutes.
You never know.
- Well you know, we've
never overstayed our welcome
as far as the audience is concerned.
- Now, you're gonna be on
four minutes, exactly.
- You're putting a stopwatch on us?
- The casino has a
hundred dealers lined up
outside the room, just
waiting for that crowd.
Every minute you go over, costs me.
- Explain that to Archie.
- No, no, no, no, we're gonna tell you.
You wanna play that showroom,
or you wanna hang around
waiting for Ed Sullivan
to get reincarnated?
- I better get started if
I'm gonna trim the act.
- Another thing.
Teach that monkey some new tricks.
We don't want people to
think they're seeing some
warmed over lounge act
at a Chick Balton revue.
- You know, Archie isn't
as young as he used to be.
New tricks come hard.
- Maybe you didn't hear me.
- I heard you.
New tricks.
(people chattering)
- Animal acts.
(soft piano music)
- Archie, what's the matter with you?
We're never gonna finish
the routine on time
if you stroll around the piano.
As soon as I start to play the piano,
you steal the music and
run around the piano.
Run, don't walk.
Now, go.
(soft piano music)
Who told you to sit and read the music?
Look, stop adding new gags.
All you have to do is
grab the music and run.
I mean, is that so hard?
Just, screw your little
chimpanzee head on right.
All right, get back here
and let's do it again.
Now, I start to play
the piano, and you run
around the piano, understand?
Run.
Fast.
Go.
(soft piano music)
(Archie vocalizing)
The music, you forgot the music.
(Archie vocalizing)
Look, Arch.
We were only gonna be on
for four minutes, but I, uh,
had a feeling it was gonna
be a long four minutes.
(soft piano music)
How are you doing, kiddo?
(Archie vocalizes)
Look, I, I know I've been
pushing you too hard, but,
I mean, we're so close.
And you know, I just,
I want us to be great.
(knocking)
Come in.
- Hi, what you doin'?
- Oh, we're just taking
a breather, you know,
between rehearsals.
- Mr. Balton wants to know
how the new routine's comin'.
- Fine, fine.
Archie's taken to the new
material like when he was a kid.
You know, we just have to
shave off a few seconds
off the act, that's all.
- You'll have him ready
by tomorrow morning?
- Tomorrow morning?
Uh.
Dress rehearsal's not for two days.
- Mr. Balton wants to see a run through,
in the morning, 10 o'clock.
He needs time in case we
need to find a replacement.
- We'll be ready.
(door closes)
Archie and I would now like
to do a piano duet for you.
It's a very special number.
It's Archie's favorite,
as a matter of fact.
Debussy's Afternoon of a Fawn.
Archie, you play the left hand part,
and would you turn the pages, please?
(soft piano music)
Would you turn the pages, please?
(Archie grunts)
It's that old football injury...
You know how sometimes
you get this feeling
that things aren't going well?
Go.
Anyway, the gag is that he,
he steals the music.
And he runs around the piano.
- Put a call into Atlantic City.
Tell 'em I want a backup act standing by.
- Well, how come?
You put us in the show 'cause
you knew we had talent.
- I put you in the show
because Laura Connolly
busted my chops until I did.
(soft, melancholy piano music)
(people chattering)
- And here I thought we
made it into the revue
on our talent.
Now I find out that Laura's
been using her influence
with Chick Balton.
- Well what's wrong with that?
- What's wrong with that?
I mean, I'm humiliated.
That's what's wrong with that.
- Well feel what you like.
But if it was me, I'd be proud.
Okay, so who cares how you got the job,
as long as you know that you
got the talent to do the job.
I mean, uh, would you feel any
better if some high powered
agent strong armed Chick Balton
into giving you the shot?
Second, if a lady went out
on a limb like that for me,
I don't care what her reasons are.
I'd feel good.
It means she cares about me.
(soft piano music)
- You really, you really think so?
- A shoe man never lies.
- I've never heard that expression.
(Archie vocalizes)
Well, Archie and I have a rehearsal.
We'd better get goin'.
(soft piano music)
- How is Archibald doin'?
Looks a little pinkish.
- Oh, we, uh, he's okay.
We've been working a little
hard, but he's a real trooper.
Come on, Archie.
(Archie vocalizes)
(upbeat music)
(people chattering)
There's something about being
backstage before a show.
It's exciting.
It's invigorating but for some reason,
I was getting nauseous.
Oh, listen, listen to that Archie.
They've got the full
orchestra for dress rehearsal.
- That's the cue for Laura's final number.
You're on next.
- We know, we know.
- Oh, okay, okay.
- All right, Arch, a
couple more performances
and you'll know the cues better than I do.
You always do.
All right, give us a kiss.
I'm not going out there without a kiss.
All right, look sharp.
Ladies.
(Archie cries out)
Archie?
Archie?
- What's going on?
- Get an ambulance.
- What?
- Get an ambulance.
Get it, now!
It's gonna be all right.
It's gonna be all right.
- [Man] All right, look out,
coming through, coming through.
- There's an animal hospital
on 17th, we'll take him there.
- Hang on, pal.
(radio chatter)
(sirens blaring)
If I ever had a lower moment in my life,
I don't remember.
(beeping)
- He's had a stroke.
- Was, was there any way to know?
I mean, is there anything that I--
- These things happen, Mr. Wilson.
There's no way to predict when.
- Will he recover?
- He's old.
(beeping)
(slow, melancholy music)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How is he?
- His left side if paralyzed.
The doctor doesn't know what.
- Why don't you let me
take you back to the motel?
- How can I go back to that room and,
and look at his little bed?
No, I think I'll say here.
- Well you can't do any--
- I said I'm going to stay here.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't take it out on you.
It's just that, we were so close.
- [Laura] I know you were.
- Besides, you probably wanna
get back to Chick Balton.
- Why?
- He said that, that you
were seeing each other.
- Well he lied.
- Laura, it's okay.
I mean, I know that
you used your influence
to get Archie and I into the show.
- For the past 10 years,
I've worked nearly every
showroom on the strip.
And I have a lot of
clout as an entertainer.
Professional clout, and
that's exactly what I
used with Chick Balton.
- Oh.
I thought...
(soft piano music)
- Come on, let me take you home.
(soft piano music)
(soft jazzy music)
(people chattering)
(soft jazzy music)
- What is this?
- Say hello to Terrance.
He belonged to an Englishman who lost
all his money gambling.
- No.
- But in England, he used
to play the music halls.
- You're talking about Archie
like he's dead or somethin'.
I mean he's gonna get
better and when he does,
he's gonna be my partner again.
- Oh, Archie is gonna get better.
But, don't let it blow
your one chance to do
what you told me you've
always wanted to do.
That's to play a showroom in Las Vegas.
And I think that Archie
might like at least
one of you to have that chance.
Terrance isn't going to replace Archie.
He's a temp.
They say he's quick.
Watch this.
Terrance, turn on the TV.
Look.
The TV?
(clicking)
It could work, Todd.
- What about Chick Balton?
- Let me take care of him.
(Terrance vocalizing)
(soft jazzy music)
(knocking)
- Come on.
(knocking)
All right, all right.
Oh, hello.
- Hello.
I'd like to speak to
you about Todd Wilson.
- Sorry about his chimpanzee.
Now Greg will take care
of their severance.
Normally we'd give a week, but,
I'll see they get two.
- He has a new chimp.
- I got a replacement act
flying in from Atlantic City.
Now the deal is set.
- Then unset it.
- No.
You've been jerking me around
about this guy for a week,
now he's out of the show.
And don't try pulling that
laryngitis crap on me, either.
You've got a contract, and if you try to
break that contract, I'll
have my lawyers all over ya,
like cloves on a ham, you understand?
- I understand.
It's just too bad, though.
- What's too bad?
- Well, I was just
starting to warm up to you.
- What do you mean warm up?
- Well, I thought we'd
start by going to dinner
tonight after the show.
- And?
- Well I'm not the kind of girl
who kisses on the first date
so we might have to go to
dinner every night this week.
(clapping)
- Now, we'd like to play
a piano duet for you,
you nice people.
You did, you did bring the music?
(Terrance vocalizes)
Well, where is it?
(Terrance vocalizes)
(laughs)
Remember Archie used to
do that when he was a kid?
He is quick.
All right, I'll play the first movement,
and you play the second.
I'm sure all the people are anxious to see
our premiere performance
of Moonlight Sonata.
Are you ready?
(Terrance vocalizes)
Fine.
(soft piano music)
How am I supposed to play my
part if you turn the page?
(soft piano music)
Time?
- Four minute, 30 seconds, on the button.
- Great.
Good boy, go get some juice.
(Terrance vocalizes)
- You two are gonna be great.
- Maybe.
I just, I just wish it was
Archie up there with me.
- Don't start.
If Archie could talk,
he'd tell you you're doing
exactly what you should be doing.
- Come on.
Oh, thank you, Terrance.
Thank you.
Hi, hi Arch.
Oh, where'd you get the nice flowers?
Have you got a girl on the
side I don't know about?
"Dear Archie, get well soon.
"Love, Rosalita."
Well that's very sweet.
You know, don't ya?
He's good.
He's young, he's very good.
Not as good as you.
But you know, when you're over this thing,
we'll sit him down,
and you'll be right back
where you should be.
Archie and Todd together.
I promise.
(audience applause)
(cheering)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Grand Showroom.
Tonight we are proud to present the
25th Anniversary edition
of the Chick Balton Revue.
(audience applause)
(cheering)
- Not exactly the Gettysburg Address,
but that's a show start.
Well, Chip was in a great mood.
He even have himself a standing ovation.
Okay, now, we can't go out there with our
faces looking like lumps of dough.
We need
features.
Okay, your turn you handsome devil.
(upbeat electronic pop music)
Look good.
(Terrance vocalizes)
(upbeat electronic pop music)
(audience exclaims)
(applause)
(cheering)
Sound good.
(Terrance vocalizes)
(slurps)
(chuckles)
(upbeat electronic pop music)
(clapping)
(audience exclaims)
- If this act doesn't get any better,
I'm gonna make 'em both disappear.
- Smell good.
(Terrance vocalizes)
(upbeat electronic pop music)
(audience applause)
- Backstage, Greg.
I'll put you through to his dressing room.
Laura?
It's an emergency at the vet's.
It's for Todd.
- Don't put it though.
Yes?
I'll make sure he's told, thank you.
- And feel good.
(Terrance vocalizes)
This is the part where
Archie always gave me a hug.
We always hugged before we'd go on.
(upbeat electronic pop music)
- Tell the lighting man to
hold that spotlight steady.
And see that he drinks decaf tomorrow.
Where's the chimp act?
He should be out here.
- I'm here.
- Well, it's about damn time.
Laura's cue is coming up and
you're on right after her.
Where's the monkey?
- I'm afraid I won't be going on tonight.
- What?
(drum roll)
- There's your cue, kiddo.
Break a leg.
- Thanks.
- What the hell do you mean
you won't be going on tonight?
- I only wish Archie were here to see it.
- [Chick] You're missing your cue, go on.
- I can't.
- Get out there.
- Hey, hey, hey, keep off her.
- You're fired, and you've
got a lawsuit on your hands
if you don't get out there right now.
- I can't.
I've got something I have to tell you.
- What?
- I got a call from the vet.
I'm on tonight, you creep,
but you better get yourself
another singer by tomorrow.
- I was afraid you'd be too late.
He's had another stroke.
- Hi, hi kiddo, how are you doin'?
- [Veterinarian] I'm not
sure how much he can hear.
And he's almost completely
paralyzed on both sides now.
- Listen, could you
leave me alone with him
for just a little while?
- Of course.
- Well, this is, uh, this is great.
You're lying around here
taking it easy while I'm,
I'm busting my hump trying
to keep us in black coffee
and bananas.
You want the details, right?
The new kid, he hit all his cues.
And I was like, like really hot, you know?
This is all stuff, you
know, that I'll read
you tomorrow when Variety
hits the stands, but,
in the meantime, let me just say that, uh,
it was one of the biggest
thrills of my life.
A Vegas showroom, Arch.
Not a lounge.
Not a little club.
Not one of those toilets like, uh,
where the hell was it?
Boise, Boise.
Oh, remember that dump?
This was a real, uh,
real Vegas show.
It was a, it was a dream come true.
Yeah, tonight is, uh...
it's the happiest night of my life.
(slow, melancholy music)
(soft mariachi music)
Everybody came out for the funeral.
It was really a dignified service.
Well as dignified as it can
be when you're bury next to
Beanie and Bitsy.
It was the last time I saw my buddy, but,
not the last time I thought about him.
And not the last time that I missed him.
Thank you guys.
Archie would have loved.
I'd like to say a few words about Archie.
You all knew him as a sweet, gentle guy
with a loving heart.
Archie was more human than most
people I've met in my life.
He was my best friend for 25 years.
I'm gonna miss him every time I,
I see that toothpaste cap
exactly where I left it.
I'm gonna miss him when I go
through a whole day without
someone playing a practical joke on me.
Good bye, kiddo.
(slow, melancholy music)
- Good bye, Archie.
(slow, melancholy music)
So where do you think you and Terrance
will be playing next?
- He won't be playing anywhere next.
- Well, isn't he going with you?
- Yeah, as a friend and a
pet, but, not as a partner.
I've gotta try it on my own as a comic.
- I think it's about time.
- Laura.
I know I have no right to ask,
and I know I'm not a very
good prospect, I mean,
as of last night, I don't have a job.
- I'm going with you.
- I guess that was
pretty persuasive stuff.
(chuckles)
I love you.
- But do you need me?
- I guess this is the
part where I could really
screw up with the wrong answer, eh?
- Yes.
- I need you.
(soft, romantic music)
Terrance, old buddy,
tonight you're sleeping in the car.
(soft, romantic music)
(upbeat, quirky music)
(MultiCom Jingle)
(upbeat music)
(applause, chattering)
- Listen.
The bosses are gonna kill
me, I have to get off.
One thing I have to tell you,
I should have told you
when I first came out.
I'm one quarter German,
three quarters Irish,
which makes me a very meticulous drunk.
(audience laughs)
I think the humor comes
from the Irish side
because the Germans have never been known
as one of the great, fun races.
(audience laughs)
You see, the Germans,
they don't understand
American humor because Americans,
like we very often say the exact opposite
of what we mean and the
Germans, they're very literal.
Like a German visitor might
come up to you and say,
"Would you explain something to me please?
"Your friend Curly, has no
hair at all on his head..
(audience laughs)
"And Tiny is over 350 pounds."
(audience laughs)
Thank you very much.
I hope you had as much
fun as I did tonight,
I really have to go, thank you very much.
(upbeat music)
(audience applause)
- [Woman] This show will
air tomorrow night after
the six o'clock news.
- [Todd] Well, that'd be great.
- [Man] In five, four, three, two.
- Good evening, this is Nancy Hayes
and welcome to Nightlife.
Tonight our guest is comedian Todd Wilson,
who's enjoying a smash
engagement here in Los Angeles.
Hi, Todd.
- Hi Nancy.
- For our Nightlife
audience out there, tell us,
what have you been up to?
- Well, I just closed
in Chicago, and I'm here
for another week and
then I'm up to Las Vegas
for three weeks.
- Las Vegas.
It looks like everyone is
having such a good time.
Is it really that much fun?
- Oh, you should have time to find out.
It's the first time I've ever
played Las Vegas as a single.
I used to be half of a comedy team.
- I didn't know you were part of a team.
How long were you guys together?
- Probably before you were born.
Uh, actually, it was, uh, 25 years.
We had some tough times
over the years, but,
Archie never changed.
Archie?
He was like a little
kid, always having fun,
just trying to blend in with the crowd.
Archie?
Which, in Archie's case, wasn't so easy.
Archie?
(Archie vocalizes)
(soft carousel music)
I didn't know if you
wanted cookies or fruit,
so I got you a pear.
Just pretend the dark
spots are chocolate chips.
Cookies are loaded with sugar and fat.
You shouldn't eat anything
that's bad for you.
(Archie grumbles)
It's decaffeinated.
(Archie vocalizes)
(Archie vocalizes)
We found a hotel with plenty of vacancies
and it was easy to understand why.
But at least it had a
bathroom, which gave Archie
a place to hide while I unpacked.
I swear, he could see through walls.
As soon as I finished, out
he'd come, no matter what.
(Archie grunts)
Archie, would you towel off?
You look like some hairball coughed up by
the world's biggest cat.
(Archie vocalizes)
This gig could be our big break, you know.
The bottom line is three paid weeks,
and these days, that is
nothing to sneeze at.
(Archie sneezes)
Very funny.
(Archie laughs)
A lot of heavyweights come into that club,
and we could get spotted
by some talent scout
who's looking for an opening
act for Wayne Newton.
(Archie vocalizes)
(kisses)
I'm sure it was good for her, too.
Night, kiddo
(Archie vocalizes)
(soft music)
You probably won't have
too much trouble guessing
what my dreams were like.
(upbeat music)
(applause, cheering)
Was she great or what,
ladies and gentlemen?
(applause, cheering)
You know, actually, I
loved having Anne Margaret
as our opening act.
Well actually I liked her,
Archie prefers Jane Goodall.
(laughing)
(applause, cheering)
Ladies and gentlemen, my
partner, my best friend,
and ex-vice presidential candidate,
Archie right here, ladies and gentlemen.
(upbeat music)
(applause, cheering)
(soft music)
I always wondered what kind of stuff
Archie's dreams were about.
Probably just like mine.
(upbeat percussion music)
(animals vocalizing)
(snoring)
(upbeat, quirky music)
(knocking)
- Come on in.
- Usually, word of mouth had preceded us
when we played a new club.
Hi, are you Randy Mason?
- Sure am.
(Archie vocalizes)
And who are you?
- I'm Todd Wilson, and this is Archie.
We start a three week gig here tonight.
- Your agent said that
you were a comedy team.
- We are.
He's the straight man.
Is there a problem?
- We're strictly a comedy club.
- We're strictly a comedy team.
My partner just happens to be a chimp.
(Archie vocalizes)
- Look, I can't bring
an animal act in here.
- Look, he doesn't ride
around the stage on a unicycle
or wear silly clothes, he
just, he works with me,
like any other comedy team.
- Look, uh, Todd?
I think we're gonna have to pass.
(Archie blows raspberry)
- We have a contract.
I even had Archie's ax notarized.
- Look, I'm sorry but when
I signed that contract,
I thought I was making a
deal with a couple of guys.
- Oh.
Oh you don't think he's a guy, huh?
Archie, show him how macho you are.
(Archie yells)
Put a watch on him, he could
pass for Schwarzenegger.
(upbeat, quirky music)
I was getting the idea
by now that my agent
wasn't paying much
attention to our career.
(upbeat, quirky music)
Wait over there, and don't
chew on the magazines.
(upbeat, quirky music)
I'm Todd Wilson, I'd
like to see Irwin Stein.
- Will he know what
this is in reference to?
- I'm his client for the past 25 years.
I think, I think my
name might ring a bell.
- Fine.
- Hey, I told you this would happen.
20 years ago, you told me your dream was
to play a Vegas show room.
"Lose the chimpanzee," I said.
"Do stand up," I said, and
what did you say to me?
"I can't leave Archie."
He's holding you back, Todd.
Animal acts are passe,
with a capital pass.
- Do you know that a dying chimp
will sometimes hold off his death for days
just to die in the arms of his loved one?
Where do you see that kind
of loyalty among humans?
(door opens)
Irwin?
Ir, Irwin?
You're fired, Irwin.
Passe my foot.
You and I are as fresh
and funny as we were
25 years ago, and I know
just the place to prove it.
(upbeat, quirky music)
You see now these, these are real hotels.
I wonder how passe we're gonna seem
when we wind up playing in the show
in one of these babies. (chuckles)
(upbeat, quirky music)
I'll trade you half a tuna sandwich for
one of those bananas.
(Archie grunts)
Just a suggestion.
(Archie vocalizes)
(upbeat, quirky music)
How was I supposed to know it was a female
impersonator show?
All right.
Geisha Lounge.
No.
Seven lounges, seven no's.
(Archie vocalizes)
All right, let's go find a motel and
we'll try some more lounges tomorrow.
Come on.
Come on, Archie.
- Excuse me.
- We'd be working tonight
if uyou looked more
like Madame Butterfly.
(Archie grunts)
I've become a real expert
on motels over the years and
one of the things I've
noticed is that every time
you've stayed in what you think is
the biggest dump imaginable,
a worse one comes along.
(upbeat, quirky music)
Don't look at me like that.
We can't afford to pass up a bargain;
it's $10 a night.
It's only until we get a job on the strip.
Now, duck your head down.
Look, I don't make the rules.
The other thing I
figured is that somewhere
there's a motel God who
assigns desk clerks to
the motel that most, uh, perfectly fits
the personality.
- It's $20 a night, in advance.
- 20?
Your signs says 10.
- $10 a person.
You don't like it?
Go up the strip and try to find cheaper.
- All right here's for,
here's for two nights, but
for this kind of money,
we want privacy.
- Number 10, down on your left.
- Who was that?
- Oh, just another married
guy here for a convention,
shacking up with one of the local bimbos.
- Listen to this, Archie.
Chick Balton is putting together a big
25th anniversary show.
Did you remember to flush?
(Archie vocalizes)
They need singers, dancers,
(toilet flushes)
magicians, and other entertainers.
Chick Balton is the biggest
producer here in Las Vegas.
Did you wash your hands?
(Archie vocalizes)
A--
Archie?
(Archie vocalizes)
Don't.
Don't you dare lock that door.
(Archie vocalizes)
Archie, you know you're
not allowed to lock
the bathroom door, now open it.
(Archie vocalizes)
(knocking)
Open it!
- Oh, I'm sorry, I
thought you said open it.
- Uh.
I, uh.
Are you, are you the maid?
(doorknob jangling)
Stay, uh, stay in there, dad.
My father just, he just got out of the tub
and he isn't dressed.
- Don't worry, next time just put the
"Do Not Disturb" sign outside.
Well since I'm already here,
do you want me to make--
- Uh, no.
No, just, just leave the sheets.
Yeah, we'll make the bed ourselves.
We do it all the time.
Don't come out, dad, there's a lady here.
- You change your own sheets?
(Archie vocalizes)
(woman gasps)
- Dad.
(Archie vocalizes)
Don't be frightened.
- I'm not frightened.
I'm just, uh, trying to figure
out a way to let you know
that your father is a chimpanzee.
- This is Archie, and I'm Todd.
- Hi, Archie.
(upbeat, quirky music)
- [Todd] So we went over
to try to see Chick.
As in any good hotel,
their first line of defense
was at the front door.
That is kind of smart.
You, you have to get up
pretty early in the morning
to fool this guy.
- It's a monkey.
- Hey, have a little respect
for your ancestors, eh?
Park this in the VIP parking please.
(people chattering)
Come on Archie, come on, come on.
- I'm sorry sir, but, he
can't go in the casino.
- Oh, see I was afraid of that, Arch.
You've been spotted as a card counter.
It's a joke.
I'm Todd, and this is my partner, Archie.
We're here for the Chick Balton revue.
- Oh, that's different.
Let me check the list.
(people chattering)
I don't see Todd Wilson.
- Let me see.
Sometimes they....
(people chattering)
Sometimes they put Archie's name first.
Check...
Archie saw her before I did.
- Archie?
Archie.
- Guard! (whistles)
Get over here!
- No, no, it's all right.
I know him.
Where's your dad?
Archie, where's your dad?
(people chattering)
- Maybe it's under my last name, Wilson,
or maybe Archie's last name, Smith.
(Archie vocalizes)
She looked as great as ever.
Wish I could say the same for me.
Laura?
- Hello, Todd.
- You know this guy?
- I used to.
- I never, I never
thought I'd see you again.
- Should we go inside?
- In a minute.
- You trying out for the revue?
- Um.
Yes, you could say that.
- Uh, well, I have, I have to get going.
We're going to miss the opening at the...
Look at me, in your business.
I should be saying good bye.
Well it was, uh,
it was nice seeing you.
Come on Archie.
Come on.
(soft, romantic music)
After 15 years, you'd think
it wouldn't hurt anymore.
Okay, you'd better get some rest.
We're gonna try again in the morning.
(soft, romantic music)
(people chattering)
- [Man] Hey, you, black loafers.
Over here.
(Archie vocalizes)
- [Todd] I beg your pardon?
- Over here.
You need a shine.
- I'd love to, but I don't have the money.
Sam?
- You can't be Todd Wilson?
- Yes, I can.
- Well, Todd, you look good. (laughs)
Todd Wilson.
Is this your new partner?
- The same one as always.
- Well I'll be damned.
Archibald.
I would've thought that you had long since
left us for that big
banana ranch in the sky.
- Well his ticker isn't as
strong as it used to be, but,
he's doing okay.
- You just hop up here in this chair,
and let me give you a free one.
(Archie vocalizes)
There's some grapes in my bag there,
if you get hungry, Archibald.
- You know, you're the,
uh, you're the only one
he'd ever let call him that?
(chuckles)
When did you leave Miami?
- When my arthritis got fed up with all
that rain and humidity.
An old man's bones needs
this dry, desert air.
What about yourself?
- Oh, we're just here
trying to pick up a gig.
Problem is, some people
think that Archie and I don't
have a cutting edge act.
- Oh, bull.
You two were the best act that ever played
the Carousel Lounge on Biscayne Boulevard.
What did they hold you over for?
Six months?
(Archie vocalizes)
- Eight.
(machines rattling)
- Let's hope this broad's
over her headache from
last night and can sign those contracts,
'cause if she don't sign,
we don't have a show.
- Well maybe we can get
another singer to fill in.
- I spent six months stealing
her from The Paradise.
People don't wanna hear another singer,
they wanna hear Laura Connolly.
(knocking)
Hello.
- Mr. Balton.
- Oh please, please, call me Chick.
Everybody does, don't they, Greg?
- Yes, Mr. Balton.
- I thought maybe you'd be
ready to sign the contracts
for the show now.
- Won't you two please come in?
- Well, actually, Greg has
some stuff to take care of
down in the casino, but,
I think I can handle this
by myself.
- Come in, please.
- Thanks.
(clears throat)
I can't tell you how thrilled we are
that you've decided to headline the show.
- Thank you.
May I get you some coffee?
- Oh, thanks.
Black is fine.
Is the suite satisfactory?
- It's lovely.
But I would like to talk
to you about the contracts.
- Oh, sure.
(chuckles)
Right here, Miss Connolly,
and everything's just the
way we've worked it out.
I mean, your agent and I.
- I don't think I wanna sign.
- I beg your pardon?
- I meant, I don't think
I wanna sign until I get
just one more little thing.
- Oh. (chuckles)
Well name it, what?
Bigger dressing room, a
little more money, what?
What?
- Remember when we pulled in yesterday?
The chimpanzee?
- Yeah, yeah, you mean the
fuzz wad that groped you
by the limo?
- I want him in the revue.
With his owner, of course.
- Listen, I already have
magicians, skaters, jugglers.
What do we need a monkey act for?
- Because you don't have a singer.
Yet.
- Oh. (chuckles)
Oh.
Okay.
But I can't guarantee
him a slot in the revue
until I know they're funny, so
let me put 'em in the lounge.
If they work out, they'll
go right into the show.
Deal?
- Pass the contracts.
- The trick in this
business is to get yourself
a unique act and stick with it,
and that's the philosophy
Arch and I always live by.
What's his name?
- Terrance.
- Cute little guy, isn't he?
(Archie vocalizes)
Where's he from?
- England?
- You hear that?
He's English.
- [Man] Todd and Archie.
Todd and Archie.
- Listen, um, bring him around some time.
Archie'll show him some tricks.
(Terrance vocalizes)
It turned out to be
more of a lunch meeting
than an audition.
- Hold it right there.
He's a little old, isn't he?
(Archie vocalizes)
- Old?
Would you like to arm wrestle with him?
- I wonder how kids would
identify with a chimp that old.
- Kids love him.
He's like a cross between
a grandfather and a pet.
- Where's his props?
- [Todd] What props?
- Props?
Beach ball.
Jump rope.
Motorcycle.
- Archie doesn't do monkey tricks.
- Then excuse me, what does he do?
- It's what we do.
We do comedy.
- Who let this guy in here?
Thanks.
Next act, please.
(Archie vocalizes)
- You mean you're not
even gonna look at us?
- He said thank you.
- [Man] Next.
(upbeat pop rock music)
- Cowabunga, dudes.
- [Judges] Now this is more like it.
- If you could give me
a little beat there,
that would be great.
Okay?
See you tomorrow.
- Oh, Miss Connolly?
Hi, how's it going?
- Very well, thank you.
- About that chimpanzee.
- Todd and Archie.
- Tried the number you
gave me, but, Irwin Stein
said he no longer handles 'em.
- Well did he give you the
number of their new agent?
- As far as he knows, they don't have one,
and I'd love to keep
my end of the bargain,
but if I can't even find these--
- I'll find 'em.
- Good, and when you do, just let me know
how to get ahold of them.
Oh, Miss Connolly?
I'm thinking of having
a few people in my suite
for dinner tonight.
Would you care to join us?
- Oh, no, no thank you.
I have something I have to do.
- Oh.
Another time, maybe.
(upbeat, bumbly music)
- Nothing.
I can't believe it.
What happens to the days when
if you had a good novelty act,
everybody wanted you?
I'm not sure I have enough money to pay
for this room after tonight.
Better go down to the
office and see if the owner
can be sweet talked into being
a little more flexible until
we get work.
(soft music)
All right, kiddo.
It had been almost an
hour since the last time
I was humiliated, so I figured
I'd give Madame LaFarge
a chance.
- What kind of a rip off
are you trying to pull?
- I'm not trying to rip you off.
I just wanted to know if we could have a
few day's grace on our room.
- No pay, no stay.
(phone ringing)
- Okay, okay, I'll get the money.
- If you don't have 20 bucks
by check out time tomorrow,
you can take a hike,
and that goes for your
little pet, too.
- You knew about him?
- Him?
- Todd, Todd, this is for Archie.
- Oh, great, Archie loves apples.
- Well, actually, he tells
me that he prefers bugs,
but I don't carry those in my back pocket.
I heard Miss Spindell
yelling at you, what's wrong?
- Uh, she's afraid we're
gonna stiff her on the room.
- Oh, relax.
She thinks everybody's gonna stiff her.
- We're down to our last few bucks
and I can't find any work.
I've tried every club I could find.
Nobody wants us.
- Well you know what?
My brother.
He's a waiter at a little
club on the edge of town.
Maybe he can get you something there.
- Well, I've never worked as a waiter.
I guess I could learn.
- Not as a waiter, you
ding dong, as entertainers.
- You think they'd take us?
- Well, it wouldn't hurt to ask.
I'll call right now.
- Well, you know, that's
show business for you.
The next thing we knew, we were, uh,
well, you know, you could
say we were headlining this
incredible international revue.
(cheering)
(dramatic guitar music)
(cheering)
(upbeat mariachi music)
(upbeat mariachi music)
(man singing in Spanish)
(audience applause)
(cheering)
(man speaking in Spanish)
(audience applause)
(cheering)
(upbeat mariachi music)
(man singing in Spanish)
(audience applause)
(cheering)
(soft music)
Um, a margarita without salt and a glass
of water for me, please.
- Margarita without salt.
Now that's a good memory.
(soft music)
- Well, sometimes, a good
memory can be a disadvantage.
- Where's Archie?
- Oh, he's taking a little nap.
Not as young as he used to be.
- Who is?
- Right.
So, how'd you find us?
- I just followed the
trail of banana peels.
(chuckles)
- No, seriously.
How'd you find us?
- I hit every club in the phone book,
and I showed them your photograph.
- Oh, I, uh, I would have
thought you'd be carrying
a photograph of that director I read about
you were living with a couple years ago.
- He didn't mean anything to me.
- Ah.
So, what are you doing here?
- Well I came to see if you and Archie
were as good as you used to be.
- And?
- You're not.
You're better.
(chuckles)
Makes me wonder why you're
playing this small place
off the strip.
- Oh, uh.
We're doing a, a favor for a friend.
- You can make more working
in Chick Balton's revue.
- They don't need us.
- Oh, didn't you hear?
A couple of the variety acts fell out.
A flu, or something.
And they're really looking
for an act like yours.
- You know, maybe, you
know, Archie and I'll
check that out in the morning.
You know, who knows, we could wind up
sharing the same bill again.
This was my chance to make my move,
or Archie was gonna have to
sleep in the car tonight.
- Well I probably should be going.
- Yeah, I probably should
be checking on Archie.
- Good night.
It was nice seeing you again.
- [Todd] Well you know,
you don't make a star like
Archie if you sleep in a car.
It just isn't done.
(upbeat, quirky music)
(knocking)
- What?
(upbeat, quirky music)
- The guy with the monkey is here.
- Right.
What's his name?
- Who?
- The guy.
- Oh, um...
Todd Wilson.
- Well tell him to come in.
- Balton was as tough as they come,
so I decided to let him know
who was calling the shots.
Hello again, Mr. Balton.
- Right.
Now here's the deal.
You start in the lounge, 800 a week.
If you can cut it there,
you go right into the revue.
Greg will show you your dressing room,
give you your motel allowance,
and first week's pay.
- Uh, don't you wanna see us audition?
- What?
- Audition, you know, don't
you wanna see our act?
- I heard you were good,
that's all I need to know.
Now if you and your friend don't mind,
I've got a business to run here.
- Uh, thanks.
- Yeah.
- Uh, thanks.
Thanks a lot.
(people chattering)
(upbeat music)
Archie.
Didn't I tell ya?
(Archie vocalizes)
(upbeat music)
It seems if you've got real talent,
they treat you with respect.
(Archie vocalizes)
(upbeat, quirky music)
Now, you're sure this is
the dressing table you want?
Because there's no changing
your mind later on.
(Archie grunts)
Archie, I'll be back in a
few minutes once you make
up your mind.
(Archie vocalizes)
I figured Archie was old
enough for me to leave
him there with the champagne.
After all, in human
terms, he was, uh, 138?
(Archie vocalizes)
(people chattering)
(knocking)
Uh, Western Union.
- What's the message?
- Uh, the message is, uh,
"Thank you for the champagne,
"stop, and for tipping
me off to the job, stop."
- Your talent got you here, not me.
- Oh.
I brought you these.
(soft music)
- I remember the first time
you brought me daisies.
- Me, too.
- Well hell again Archie.
- Todd, Todd.
Archie's the one with the prehensile feet.
- Oh, good.
- What beautiful roses.
- The hotel likes to welcome its star in a
first class way.
Wait, I have something else for you.
Would you mind holding these, Arch?
(chuckles)
- Todd.
- I'll hold those for you.
- Thank you.
It's lovely.
It's a bird.
- Agapornis roseicollis,
the peach faced lovebird.
It's the showroom logo.
- It's beautiful.
- A lovebird suits you.
Oh, I am being rude.
You have a rehearsal to get to.
Here, let me take these.
Shall I come in and put
these in a vase for you?
(machines rattling)
(bell ringing)
- So what kind of props do you need?
- Well I need two, two bar stools.
You know, the kind with backs.
- Uh huh.
- And a dozen champagne
glasses, unbreakable, flexi,
and two bottles of sparkling apple juice.
- Okay.
I think that's everything.
- Um, how many people can this place hold?
- Oh on a good night, 200.
I'll see that your props
are set before the show.
- Come here, Arch, I
wanna show you somethin'.
(Archie vocalizing)
Okay Arch, don't be nervous.
There's nobody here.
(Archie vocalizes)
Well this is it.
This is the big room.
If we do okay in the lounge,
this would be our new home.
I wonder how many people it'll seat.
A thousand, maybe?
Geez.
A thousand people paying
40 bucks a head to see us.
(Archie vocalizes)
Okay, okay, us and some supporting acts.
Well, I guess this'll show
everybody we're not passe.
(footsteps approaching)
Decision time.
Beautiful, desirable woman
or three foot elderly chimp?
Arch, Archie, come here.
Why don't you sit here and make a drawing,
and I'm gonna talk to Laura.
(soft piano music)
Oh, that sounds familiar.
You think you can still
sing it in the key of C?
- Well my voice hasn't let me down yet.
- Good, 'cause that's the
only key I can play it in.
- Well I thought you
could play in all keys.
- I could, but, um, hunting accident.
It's not a pretty story.
(chuckles)
(soft piano music)
♪ When your heart breaks down ♪
♪ You don't understand ♪
♪ When you feel alone at night ♪
♪ You need a loving hand ♪
♪ Don't be afraid ♪
♪ 'Cause I'll always be there ♪
♪ I'm someone who loves you ♪
♪ Someone who cares ♪
♪ And I'll be ♪
♪ Somebody to lean on ♪
♪ Somebody to talk to ♪
♪ In the dark at night ♪
♪ Just need ♪
♪ Somebody to hold you ♪
♪ Somebody that knows you, darlin' ♪
♪ Makes you feel at home ♪
♪ When you're alone ♪
♪ As long as you know
that wherever you go ♪
♪ You're never alone ♪
♪ You'll believe ♪
♪ Clouds come and go but
the sun never leaves ♪
♪ It's always there but
sometimes you can't see it ♪
♪ I'll need ♪
♪ Somebody to lean on ♪
♪ Somebody to talk to ♪
♪ In the dark at night ♪
♪ You just need ♪
♪ Somebody to hold you ♪
♪ Somebody that knows you, darlin' ♪
♪ And makes you feel at home ♪
♪ When you're alone ♪
♪ Oh darlin' ♪
♪ When you're alone ♪
Did I, did I get that last chord right?
- Um.
Try this.
(soft piano music)
- You know, it hasn't been 15
years since I last saw you.
- It hasn't?
- No, I saw you five years
ago in Atlantic City.
Yeah, you were playing at
The Palace and Archie and I
were at the Million Dollar
Pier a couple of weeks
before it fell into the ocean.
- Oh, I remember that.
But I didn't know that you were there.
- And then after our show,
I'd run over to The Palace
and I'd sit in the balcony
and watch you sing.
Every night.
Well every night except the last night.
I didn't go to the last
night 'cause I, I didn't.
I didn't want it to be over.
Remember the move I didn't make yesterday?
Well, this was the time.
You know, I never blamed
you for dumping me.
- What?
- Well I mean, who wouldn't have run out?
I mean, you were a
singer rising to stardom,
and what was I?
I was a novelty act.
- And that's why you think I left?
- Well let's face it,
I mean, I couldn't do
anything for you.
And then I read in the tabloids
that you were living with
a big time talent agent.
- He didn't mean anything to me.
- Well maybe not, but I, you
know, I figured you were,
you were doing what was
best for your career.
- Let me get this straight.
You think I'm the kind of
woman who dumps somebody
who can't help her career,
and then sleeps her way
to the top?
- I didn't say that.
- I'd stay away from
her if I were you, pal.
- Why?
- Well, she's the headliner
and you're just another
novelty act.
She's also a lady, and
you're a guy who rooms
with a chimpanzee.
And last but not least,
she's mine.
- Well you know, like I said before,
you don't make a big star
like Archie sleep in a car.
(soft piano music)
I don't know maybe, maybe Chick
Balton was pulling my chain?
It's just that he doesn't
seem like the type
that Laura would go for.
Yeah, you're right.
What difference does it make?
That was 15 years ago,
and I'm blowing it now.
(people chattering)
Always be nice to the kitchen help.
It can mean the difference
between a hamburger,
and a porterhouse steak.
(Archie vocalizes)
- Excuse me?
You can't bring that monkey in here.
- Well why not?
He's an employee just like you.
- Hard to think he's just like me.
- I'll take that back, you're right.
He's got a personality.
(workers laughing)
- Hey, hey.
It's okay, I know these guys.
I saw you two at El Toro Rojo.
You were really good man.
(workers agreeing)
- You hear that Arch?
A fan. (chuckles)
- The fact remains that I
can't allow him in here.
- Hey look, you're in
charge out there, all right?
And I'm in charge back here.
Now, you wanna argue with us?
(workers agreeing)
- Did I tell you about Archie's ice trick?
(man yells)
(workers laughing)
(upbeat, quirky music)
(machines rattling)
(people chattering)
Okay, Archie, which one of
these machines looks like
it's ready to cough up some dollars?
(Archie vocalizes)
(people laughing)
Okay, I'll tell you what.
I'll take this one and
you find one for yourself.
(people laughing)
No, no, no, no.
(people laughing)
Archie, I told you, this is mine.
You find one for yourself.
(people laughing)
- You've been putting on shows here
as long as I've run this place.
But a chimp act?
- I have my doubts, too, but
if it keeps the star happy, it's worth it.
(people laughing)
- What's going on here?
- Archie, I told you.
Wait until I put a dollar in.
(people laughing)
- He's funneling, can you believe it?
What does he think this is?
The Catskills?
- Pull, Archie.
All the way.
Archie was a shrewd gambler.
His trick was that
he had this poker face.
You know, you just couldn't
tell what he was thinking.
(cheering)
(machine ringing)
- They seem to love it.
(cheering)
(machine ringing)
- Okay, okay Archie, that's enough.
Let's go home and we'll put
this in your piggy bank.
(people laughing)
Archie, ladies and gentlemen.
Todd and Archie, we'll see
you at the lounge tonight.
(cheering)
(upbeat, quirky music)
(knocking)
Things were going so well, it was time to
straighten things out with Laura.
- Todd.
- Can I, can I come in?
- Sure.
- Look, Laura.
I know you hate my guts.
- I don't hate you.
- Well that's sure what
it sounded like yesterday.
- Yesterday you implied
that I ran out on you.
- Well maybe I'm crazy, but,
you know receiving a postcard
from New York saying,
"Good bye, don't call me."
It just might possibly be construed as
running out on a guy.
Laura?
I asked you to marry me.
- Three times.
But each time before we
could actually get married,
you and Archie disappeared.
- Paying gigs.
I mean, you knew we always
went where the work was.
- Oh, I know.
It was always legitimate.
It was always work.
But after the third time,
I knew that you were
never going to go through
with the wedding.
Face the facts.
You have used Archie to
avoid making a commitment,
to a viable career,
or to a person.
(sighs)
- Laura.
I loved you.
- I know.
But you didn't need me.
I know that because every time we'd start
to get close together,
you'd find an excuse to
stay away from me.
- Look.
Is there any way to make this thing right?
- Maybe we could start by
going to get a cup of coffee?
- I, I have to go.
- I don't believe this.
- We have a rehearsal.
- This is a rerun of 15 years ago.
- We can have a coffee right after--
- Get out!
Get out of here, Todd
Wilson, before I scream.
- You are screaming.
- Get out.
Out!
Get out!
- [Todd] I know you don't believe me but
I used to be a terrific straightener.
- Damn him.
- Archie and I always did the same things
to get ready for a show.
The only difference was that I shaved.
Look good.
(Archie vocalizes)
(Archie vocalizes)
Sound good.
(Archie vocalizes)
(gurgling)
Smell good.
(Archie vocalizes)
And, feel good.
Come on, there we go.
Okay, let's go out and kill 'em, Archie.
Come on.
Come on.
(Archie vocalizing)
- [Announcer] And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands
together, and extend a hearty
Las Vegas to that hilarious twosome,
Todd and Archie.
(applause)
(upbeat music)
- Thank you very much
ladies and gentlemen.
Archie and I would like
to start off our show.
Archie?
(audience laughs)
Where is Archie?
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
(applause)
(laughing)
Archie, would you mind coming up here?
I want you up here right this minute.
(audience laughs)
Archie, it's time to start
the show, now stop that.
(audience laughs)
Archie, do you realize
that that lady's husband
is seated right next to her?
What is he gonna say?
(audience laughs)
(applause)
Archie.
(audience applause)
(audience applause)
Archie, I'm glad you decided to join me.
Maybe now we can start the show.
You know, ladies and gentlemen,
believe it or not, Archie is
an expert charades players.
And to demonstrate his uncanny ability,
just before the show,
Archie and a stagehand
chose a member of our
audience, completely at random,
to select a title.
I'm gonna try to guess
that title based solely
on the clues given to me by Archie.
All right, Archie, you wanna
show the card to the audience?
(audience laughs)
You're right, you're right.
(audience chattering)
(clapping)
Okay, I'm ready when you are, Arch.
(Archie vocalizing)
A song.
Six words in the title.
First word.
Eyes.
Eyeballs.
The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You.
Angel eyes?
You can't hide your lying eyes.
Blind as a one-eyed sailor.
(audience laughs)
Uh, a vision.
Uh, sight.
Uh, eyes.
I?
I.
(audience applause)
Second word.
Uh, second word.
Sounds like.
Meandering.
You're meandering.
You're walking.
I'm walking the float
over to you, thank you.
No?
Okay, all right.
A walk on the wild side.
Walk, don't run.
Uh, I'd walk the entire world for just
one dance with you.
Roving, you're roving.
You're roaming in the gloaming.
(audience exclaims)
You're wandering.
Sounds like, sounds like wander.
Wandering?
Wander.
Sounds like wander, wonder.
I wonder.
Oh, this is easy.
(audience applause)
I wonder what time it is.
No?
(audience laughs)
(Archie vocalizing)
(audience laughing)
I Wonder Who's Kissing Her Now?
(Archie vocalizes)
(upbeat music)
(applause)
(upbeat music)
(Todd drowned out by applause)
(upbeat music)
(applause)
(applause)
- Boy, I tell you, you two
were just wonderful tonight.
(workers agreeing)
- Well, we had a great audience.
Archie, go easy there.
- It's okay, let him have
fun, it's a celebration.
(workers agreeing)
- I don't want his
cholesterol to celebrate
breaking the 300 mark.
(laughing)
No, no, no listen.
Chimps get exactly the
same diseases that we get.
- Hey Archie.
Archie, your partner doesn't
want you to have any fun.
What to you think about that, huh?
(Archie blows raspberry)
(workers laughing)
- You saw with your own eyes,
they killed the audience.
I want them in the revue.
- They're making great
money in the lounge.
Why don't we just leave well enough alone?
- We had a deal.
- Well, we didn't have
anything in writing,
and your contract for the show was signed,
sealed, and delivered.
(clears throat)
(coughs)
What's the matter?
- Laryngitis.
(clears throat)
- What?
(coughs)
- It could be weeks before
I can sing again. (coughs)
- I don't believe this.
- Believe it.
(beeping)
- [Greg] Yes, Mr. Balton?
- Greg, tell that Todd
Wilson and his chimpanzee
they're in the revue.
- After my spot.
- After Miss Connolly's number.
- [Greg] Yes, sir.
(phone ringing)
- I hate it when the phone wakes me up,
but over the years I've
developed a clever way
to answer.
Hello?
Oh, hi Greg.
Uh, sure I can meet him at three o'clock.
Thank you, good bye.
1:30?
Day time 1:30?
Come on, get up Arch, we've
slept away half the day.
Yeah, you're right.
We're both too old to be partying until
three in the morning.
(people chattering)
- Just remember, you're
working for me, not for them.
They should go home
happy, but not too rich.
(Chick clears throat)
- Take a break.
Todd, this is Mr. Cadwell,
the president of the hotel.
- Oh, great to meet you.
And thanks for the shot at the main room.
Archie and I, we won't let you down.
- I understand this is your first time
in a big showroom.
- First time, yeah.
- Well things are different
from the way they are
in the lounge.
- Mr. Cadwell heard
you worked chimp loose.
- Well, I let Archie, uh, I let Archie go
and find funny bits, if
that's what he means.
But if the crowd laughs
and Archie leaves it in,
you know, it's always
worked for us in the past.
- No, not here in the big room.
(people chattering)
(machines rattling)
- We're saying you gotta
tighten up your act.
I mean, you work the animal
lose, you're on stage what,
five, six, seven minutes.
You never know.
- Well you know, we've
never overstayed our welcome
as far as the audience is concerned.
- Now, you're gonna be on
four minutes, exactly.
- You're putting a stopwatch on us?
- The casino has a
hundred dealers lined up
outside the room, just
waiting for that crowd.
Every minute you go over, costs me.
- Explain that to Archie.
- No, no, no, no, we're gonna tell you.
You wanna play that showroom,
or you wanna hang around
waiting for Ed Sullivan
to get reincarnated?
- I better get started if
I'm gonna trim the act.
- Another thing.
Teach that monkey some new tricks.
We don't want people to
think they're seeing some
warmed over lounge act
at a Chick Balton revue.
- You know, Archie isn't
as young as he used to be.
New tricks come hard.
- Maybe you didn't hear me.
- I heard you.
New tricks.
(people chattering)
- Animal acts.
(soft piano music)
- Archie, what's the matter with you?
We're never gonna finish
the routine on time
if you stroll around the piano.
As soon as I start to play the piano,
you steal the music and
run around the piano.
Run, don't walk.
Now, go.
(soft piano music)
Who told you to sit and read the music?
Look, stop adding new gags.
All you have to do is
grab the music and run.
I mean, is that so hard?
Just, screw your little
chimpanzee head on right.
All right, get back here
and let's do it again.
Now, I start to play
the piano, and you run
around the piano, understand?
Run.
Fast.
Go.
(soft piano music)
(Archie vocalizing)
The music, you forgot the music.
(Archie vocalizing)
Look, Arch.
We were only gonna be on
for four minutes, but I, uh,
had a feeling it was gonna
be a long four minutes.
(soft piano music)
How are you doing, kiddo?
(Archie vocalizes)
Look, I, I know I've been
pushing you too hard, but,
I mean, we're so close.
And you know, I just,
I want us to be great.
(knocking)
Come in.
- Hi, what you doin'?
- Oh, we're just taking
a breather, you know,
between rehearsals.
- Mr. Balton wants to know
how the new routine's comin'.
- Fine, fine.
Archie's taken to the new
material like when he was a kid.
You know, we just have to
shave off a few seconds
off the act, that's all.
- You'll have him ready
by tomorrow morning?
- Tomorrow morning?
Uh.
Dress rehearsal's not for two days.
- Mr. Balton wants to see a run through,
in the morning, 10 o'clock.
He needs time in case we
need to find a replacement.
- We'll be ready.
(door closes)
Archie and I would now like
to do a piano duet for you.
It's a very special number.
It's Archie's favorite,
as a matter of fact.
Debussy's Afternoon of a Fawn.
Archie, you play the left hand part,
and would you turn the pages, please?
(soft piano music)
Would you turn the pages, please?
(Archie grunts)
It's that old football injury...
You know how sometimes
you get this feeling
that things aren't going well?
Go.
Anyway, the gag is that he,
he steals the music.
And he runs around the piano.
- Put a call into Atlantic City.
Tell 'em I want a backup act standing by.
- Well, how come?
You put us in the show 'cause
you knew we had talent.
- I put you in the show
because Laura Connolly
busted my chops until I did.
(soft, melancholy piano music)
(people chattering)
- And here I thought we
made it into the revue
on our talent.
Now I find out that Laura's
been using her influence
with Chick Balton.
- Well what's wrong with that?
- What's wrong with that?
I mean, I'm humiliated.
That's what's wrong with that.
- Well feel what you like.
But if it was me, I'd be proud.
Okay, so who cares how you got the job,
as long as you know that you
got the talent to do the job.
I mean, uh, would you feel any
better if some high powered
agent strong armed Chick Balton
into giving you the shot?
Second, if a lady went out
on a limb like that for me,
I don't care what her reasons are.
I'd feel good.
It means she cares about me.
(soft piano music)
- You really, you really think so?
- A shoe man never lies.
- I've never heard that expression.
(Archie vocalizes)
Well, Archie and I have a rehearsal.
We'd better get goin'.
(soft piano music)
- How is Archibald doin'?
Looks a little pinkish.
- Oh, we, uh, he's okay.
We've been working a little
hard, but he's a real trooper.
Come on, Archie.
(Archie vocalizes)
(upbeat music)
(people chattering)
There's something about being
backstage before a show.
It's exciting.
It's invigorating but for some reason,
I was getting nauseous.
Oh, listen, listen to that Archie.
They've got the full
orchestra for dress rehearsal.
- That's the cue for Laura's final number.
You're on next.
- We know, we know.
- Oh, okay, okay.
- All right, Arch, a
couple more performances
and you'll know the cues better than I do.
You always do.
All right, give us a kiss.
I'm not going out there without a kiss.
All right, look sharp.
Ladies.
(Archie cries out)
Archie?
Archie?
- What's going on?
- Get an ambulance.
- What?
- Get an ambulance.
Get it, now!
It's gonna be all right.
It's gonna be all right.
- [Man] All right, look out,
coming through, coming through.
- There's an animal hospital
on 17th, we'll take him there.
- Hang on, pal.
(radio chatter)
(sirens blaring)
If I ever had a lower moment in my life,
I don't remember.
(beeping)
- He's had a stroke.
- Was, was there any way to know?
I mean, is there anything that I--
- These things happen, Mr. Wilson.
There's no way to predict when.
- Will he recover?
- He's old.
(beeping)
(slow, melancholy music)
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How is he?
- His left side if paralyzed.
The doctor doesn't know what.
- Why don't you let me
take you back to the motel?
- How can I go back to that room and,
and look at his little bed?
No, I think I'll say here.
- Well you can't do any--
- I said I'm going to stay here.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't take it out on you.
It's just that, we were so close.
- [Laura] I know you were.
- Besides, you probably wanna
get back to Chick Balton.
- Why?
- He said that, that you
were seeing each other.
- Well he lied.
- Laura, it's okay.
I mean, I know that
you used your influence
to get Archie and I into the show.
- For the past 10 years,
I've worked nearly every
showroom on the strip.
And I have a lot of
clout as an entertainer.
Professional clout, and
that's exactly what I
used with Chick Balton.
- Oh.
I thought...
(soft piano music)
- Come on, let me take you home.
(soft piano music)
(soft jazzy music)
(people chattering)
(soft jazzy music)
- What is this?
- Say hello to Terrance.
He belonged to an Englishman who lost
all his money gambling.
- No.
- But in England, he used
to play the music halls.
- You're talking about Archie
like he's dead or somethin'.
I mean he's gonna get
better and when he does,
he's gonna be my partner again.
- Oh, Archie is gonna get better.
But, don't let it blow
your one chance to do
what you told me you've
always wanted to do.
That's to play a showroom in Las Vegas.
And I think that Archie
might like at least
one of you to have that chance.
Terrance isn't going to replace Archie.
He's a temp.
They say he's quick.
Watch this.
Terrance, turn on the TV.
Look.
The TV?
(clicking)
It could work, Todd.
- What about Chick Balton?
- Let me take care of him.
(Terrance vocalizing)
(soft jazzy music)
(knocking)
- Come on.
(knocking)
All right, all right.
Oh, hello.
- Hello.
I'd like to speak to
you about Todd Wilson.
- Sorry about his chimpanzee.
Now Greg will take care
of their severance.
Normally we'd give a week, but,
I'll see they get two.
- He has a new chimp.
- I got a replacement act
flying in from Atlantic City.
Now the deal is set.
- Then unset it.
- No.
You've been jerking me around
about this guy for a week,
now he's out of the show.
And don't try pulling that
laryngitis crap on me, either.
You've got a contract, and if you try to
break that contract, I'll
have my lawyers all over ya,
like cloves on a ham, you understand?
- I understand.
It's just too bad, though.
- What's too bad?
- Well, I was just
starting to warm up to you.
- What do you mean warm up?
- Well, I thought we'd
start by going to dinner
tonight after the show.
- And?
- Well I'm not the kind of girl
who kisses on the first date
so we might have to go to
dinner every night this week.
(clapping)
- Now, we'd like to play
a piano duet for you,
you nice people.
You did, you did bring the music?
(Terrance vocalizes)
Well, where is it?
(Terrance vocalizes)
(laughs)
Remember Archie used to
do that when he was a kid?
He is quick.
All right, I'll play the first movement,
and you play the second.
I'm sure all the people are anxious to see
our premiere performance
of Moonlight Sonata.
Are you ready?
(Terrance vocalizes)
Fine.
(soft piano music)
How am I supposed to play my
part if you turn the page?
(soft piano music)
Time?
- Four minute, 30 seconds, on the button.
- Great.
Good boy, go get some juice.
(Terrance vocalizes)
- You two are gonna be great.
- Maybe.
I just, I just wish it was
Archie up there with me.
- Don't start.
If Archie could talk,
he'd tell you you're doing
exactly what you should be doing.
- Come on.
Oh, thank you, Terrance.
Thank you.
Hi, hi Arch.
Oh, where'd you get the nice flowers?
Have you got a girl on the
side I don't know about?
"Dear Archie, get well soon.
"Love, Rosalita."
Well that's very sweet.
You know, don't ya?
He's good.
He's young, he's very good.
Not as good as you.
But you know, when you're over this thing,
we'll sit him down,
and you'll be right back
where you should be.
Archie and Todd together.
I promise.
(audience applause)
(cheering)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Grand Showroom.
Tonight we are proud to present the
25th Anniversary edition
of the Chick Balton Revue.
(audience applause)
(cheering)
- Not exactly the Gettysburg Address,
but that's a show start.
Well, Chip was in a great mood.
He even have himself a standing ovation.
Okay, now, we can't go out there with our
faces looking like lumps of dough.
We need
features.
Okay, your turn you handsome devil.
(upbeat electronic pop music)
Look good.
(Terrance vocalizes)
(upbeat electronic pop music)
(audience exclaims)
(applause)
(cheering)
Sound good.
(Terrance vocalizes)
(slurps)
(chuckles)
(upbeat electronic pop music)
(clapping)
(audience exclaims)
- If this act doesn't get any better,
I'm gonna make 'em both disappear.
- Smell good.
(Terrance vocalizes)
(upbeat electronic pop music)
(audience applause)
- Backstage, Greg.
I'll put you through to his dressing room.
Laura?
It's an emergency at the vet's.
It's for Todd.
- Don't put it though.
Yes?
I'll make sure he's told, thank you.
- And feel good.
(Terrance vocalizes)
This is the part where
Archie always gave me a hug.
We always hugged before we'd go on.
(upbeat electronic pop music)
- Tell the lighting man to
hold that spotlight steady.
And see that he drinks decaf tomorrow.
Where's the chimp act?
He should be out here.
- I'm here.
- Well, it's about damn time.
Laura's cue is coming up and
you're on right after her.
Where's the monkey?
- I'm afraid I won't be going on tonight.
- What?
(drum roll)
- There's your cue, kiddo.
Break a leg.
- Thanks.
- What the hell do you mean
you won't be going on tonight?
- I only wish Archie were here to see it.
- [Chick] You're missing your cue, go on.
- I can't.
- Get out there.
- Hey, hey, hey, keep off her.
- You're fired, and you've
got a lawsuit on your hands
if you don't get out there right now.
- I can't.
I've got something I have to tell you.
- What?
- I got a call from the vet.
I'm on tonight, you creep,
but you better get yourself
another singer by tomorrow.
- I was afraid you'd be too late.
He's had another stroke.
- Hi, hi kiddo, how are you doin'?
- [Veterinarian] I'm not
sure how much he can hear.
And he's almost completely
paralyzed on both sides now.
- Listen, could you
leave me alone with him
for just a little while?
- Of course.
- Well, this is, uh, this is great.
You're lying around here
taking it easy while I'm,
I'm busting my hump trying
to keep us in black coffee
and bananas.
You want the details, right?
The new kid, he hit all his cues.
And I was like, like really hot, you know?
This is all stuff, you
know, that I'll read
you tomorrow when Variety
hits the stands, but,
in the meantime, let me just say that, uh,
it was one of the biggest
thrills of my life.
A Vegas showroom, Arch.
Not a lounge.
Not a little club.
Not one of those toilets like, uh,
where the hell was it?
Boise, Boise.
Oh, remember that dump?
This was a real, uh,
real Vegas show.
It was a, it was a dream come true.
Yeah, tonight is, uh...
it's the happiest night of my life.
(slow, melancholy music)
(soft mariachi music)
Everybody came out for the funeral.
It was really a dignified service.
Well as dignified as it can
be when you're bury next to
Beanie and Bitsy.
It was the last time I saw my buddy, but,
not the last time I thought about him.
And not the last time that I missed him.
Thank you guys.
Archie would have loved.
I'd like to say a few words about Archie.
You all knew him as a sweet, gentle guy
with a loving heart.
Archie was more human than most
people I've met in my life.
He was my best friend for 25 years.
I'm gonna miss him every time I,
I see that toothpaste cap
exactly where I left it.
I'm gonna miss him when I go
through a whole day without
someone playing a practical joke on me.
Good bye, kiddo.
(slow, melancholy music)
- Good bye, Archie.
(slow, melancholy music)
So where do you think you and Terrance
will be playing next?
- He won't be playing anywhere next.
- Well, isn't he going with you?
- Yeah, as a friend and a
pet, but, not as a partner.
I've gotta try it on my own as a comic.
- I think it's about time.
- Laura.
I know I have no right to ask,
and I know I'm not a very
good prospect, I mean,
as of last night, I don't have a job.
- I'm going with you.
- I guess that was
pretty persuasive stuff.
(chuckles)
I love you.
- But do you need me?
- I guess this is the
part where I could really
screw up with the wrong answer, eh?
- Yes.
- I need you.
(soft, romantic music)
Terrance, old buddy,
tonight you're sleeping in the car.
(soft, romantic music)
(upbeat, quirky music)
(MultiCom Jingle)