The Emperor's New Clothes (1987) - full transcript

(CHAINS CLANKING)

(HORSE NEIGHING)

SOLIDER: Pick up those feet! Come on. Move!

Move it! (SCREAMING)

Please, no. No!

(MAN SCREAMING)

Henry Dispenser and Master Nicholas Dispenser

for crimes of swindling and lying to the grand Vizier

you are hereby sentenced to death by drowning.

Oh, no. No.

(WHISTLING)



Don't think you can walk away from this one, Dispenser.

You and your nephew are going to drown.

Now, forward!

Do you have one last wish?

Yes.

May we go, please?

(LAUGHS) After all, a joke is a joke.

This is no joke!

This is serious!

March now!

One of you out on the rock!

(MAN SCREAMING)

You go first, my boy. After all, youth before wisdom.

No, Uncle. You first. Dirt before the broom.



(SPLASHING)

We haven't got all day.

Do you realize how many people

I have to drown by lunchtime?

Then we'll toss for it to see who goes first.

Uh...

Uh, give me a coin.

My last wish.

Would...

Would you believe... That I can turn this coin into three coins?

HENRY: I'm not kidding.

See? Coin.

Watch closely.

Coin's still there.

Not yet.

Coin's still there.

Not there.

(MAN SCREAMING)

Watch closely. Still there.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

Whoa!

Halt! Halt!

The grand Vizier, in all his wisdom,

has granted a pardon to all prisoners

to celebrate the marriage

of the Vizier's son Prince Nino to Princess Gilda,

daughter of the grand emperor in the neighboring kingdom.

You are all declared free!

(ALL CHEERING)

To Princess Gilda!

Come on! What about the trick?

Well, uh, first things first.

Come on, finish the trick.

Trick?

Hey! What about my coins?

They're under the cups!

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING)

Huh?

(HORSE NEIGHING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Seems like the right place.

What for? Ah. You'll see.

I can't for the life of me understand why you can't understand.

The only reason why I can think of why you can't understand

is because you don't want to understand.

If you don't want to understand,

there's nothing I can do to make you understand,

but you've got to understand

that I've got absolutely nothing to wear!

But, Your Majesty, Your Highness, Your Grace,

you have hundreds of grand ensembles to choose from.

What about the yellow one? I've worn it.

The people love you in pink. I've worn it.

You were sensational in red. I've worn it, I've worn it.

I liked you in green.

His Majesty has worn each one until he's sick of it.

But he only wears them once.

That's when I get sick of it.

One outfit, one wearing.

Unless it's too big for one wearing.

If it takes two wearings to wear once,

it mixes up my whole day and I don't know what time it is.

Look, let me explain to you again how important clothes are.

♪ Look what a toga did for Alexander

♪ Clothes, clothes, clothes

♪ Make the man

♪ King Arthur's armor

♪ Made him a commander

♪ Clothes, clothes, clothes

♪ Make the man

♪ Clothes give me fame

♪ Clothes give me style

♪ Clothes keep my name

♪ In the favor of the rank and file

♪ Ask any king

♪ From Sweden To Japan

(AFFIRMS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

♪ Clothes make the man

♪ With the proper robe to sit in

♪ Anyone could rule Great Britain

♪ Hats make men Napoleonic

♪ Helmets make them Genghis Khanic

♪ Keep them impressed

♪ With how you're dressed

♪ And hire your friends

♪ To do the rest

♪ Clothes make me chic

♪ Clothes make you great

♪ Clothes last a week

♪ Then I throw them out

♪ And get the latest

♪ Buy every color

♪ Change them every hour

♪ That's how a politician

♪ Stays in power

♪ Ask any king

♪ From Russia To Sudan

♪ Da da, oui oui, salaam

♪ Si si, salut

♪ Clothes make the man

(HORSE NEIGHING)

Open the gate.

No. Sorry.

Emperor's regulations.

Why, has he banned hunting?

Only to his daughter.

You... Princess Gilda.

How did you recognize me this time, Duke de Valois?

No man could have a face so fair, Princess.

This rate I'll never see the world.

You could start by walking with me in the town square, Princess.

Thank you, Lady Christine,

but please let me do something by myself for a change.

(HORSE NEIGHS)

Sit.

MAN 1: Finest leather goods.

MAN 2: Finest silks and materials in all the land!

WOMAN 1: Best quality silver!

WOMAN 2: Beautiful handmade vases.

(VENDORS CLAMORING)

Ah! Here it is.

My friends, I hold in my hands

this magical potion

that will cure all aches, pains, chills, and ills!

Blended from Mother Earth's rarest ingredients.

Ground horn of the fabled unicorn!

Preserved rose petals from the ancient gardens of Babylon!

Needless to say...

I have but a few bottles left in my wagon in stock.

(GLASS BREAKING)

(CROWD LAUGHING)

(MORE GLASS BREAKING)

Oh.

(LAUGHING)

(GLASS BREAKS)

(COWS MOOING)

But...

(GLASS BREAKING)

Does it work?

I hear you ask.

Let the elixir speak for itself.

Now, someone... (COUGHING)

With a cough... Uh, croup, uh...

Uh... One eye, uh...

Hydrocephalic...

Uh, rheumatism...

Aching back...

Someone! Anyone!

Ah! Our first volunteer. Come on.

What are you doing?

Don't worry. Please, please.

Stand back!

No, no. All right.

I just wanted to make sure that you could all see

that this lad is unable to walk without the aid of cane.

Now, I assure you good people

that but with a taste of this magic elixir,

the lad will walk again here, today... Now!

Just a taste.

Uh-uh. Don't be greedy. (LAUGHS)

Don't be greedy.

He's greedy. Stand back!

Watch closely.

(CONVULSING)

It works! It works!

My potion works!

(HENRY LAUGHING)

Don't overdo it.

See how he dances for joy.

A remarkable recovery.

(HENRY CHATTERING)

WOMAN: I'll have a bottle.

Let me buy it. I saw it first!

I'll give you two ducats.

I'll give you five ducats.

Please, please, please! There's plenty for all of you.

We don't want your quack potion!

We want the cloth!

What?

(TRUMPETS PLAYING FANFARE)

Was it something I said?

Hear ye!

Hear ye!

(TRUMPETS PLAYING)

Hear ye!

(CROWD LAUGHING)

All hail...

His Royal Highness, the emperor.

Tell me, Duke. How do I look?

Your Majesty, you will blind the people with your splendor.

I don't want to blind them.

I just want to make them blink a little.

Today...

Our beloved Emperor will be receiving tailors

from the fashion centers of the world

so that his Royal Majesty

may choose what he will wear

on the occasion of his daughter Princess Gilda's

forthcoming royal wedding!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Tell me the truth, Duke.

Would you wear these clothes? Oh, yes, Your Majesty.

You would? No, no I wouldn't dream of it.

I could be executed for impersonating you.

In other words, what you are trying to tell me is that

you wouldn't be caught dead in these clothes, eh? Yes.

What? No!

No, I'm dying to wear them, sire.

Are the people ready for me?

They're clamoring for you, sire.

I should wave to them. Which is my waving hand?

The thick one. That's right, yes. The thick one.

They don't seem to be clamoring enough.

They're our best clamorers.

Tell them to clamor more. I want more clamorers.

I want more clamor.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

My waving hand, which one?

The thick one.

Look at him. He looks so rich. And so he should.

When it comes to clothes, he spares no expense!

Papa, he's worn that outfit before.

Impossible. Keep waving.

(CHEERING STOPS)

Beloved people of the kingdom, greetings.

As you know, it is not every day

that an emperor gives away his only daughter's hand in marriage.

To celebrate that day,

I am declaring... A paid holiday.

(CROWD CHEERING)

The big question, of course, is...

What am I going to wear?

I can assure you, it will be the most beautiful,

most exquisite outfit I've ever worn.

Why?

To make you all proud.

Tell me, Prime Minister, do you think the people liked my speech?

Of course, Your Majesty.

You think they noticed these clothes were similar To what I wore 10 days ago?

Never, Your Majesty.

All my clothes are starting to look the same...

The sleeves in the same place,

the collar always goes around the neck,

the pants always have two legs.

If only the tailors could create something different, something original.

But all your clothes are so original, Your Majesty.

Pity they've only been worn once.

Such a shame that no one has ever

come up with the idea of putting them into a museum.

I mean, you could always charge admission.

I have an idea. I've got it!

You have an idea? What is it?

I'm going to build a museum.

A museum? Yes.

Then if the people, if they miss the parade,

they can see the clothes again and again!

Oh! What a memorable idea, Your Majesty. A museum.

Surely a stroke of genius.

So, if anybody missed your last parade,

they can always come and see the clothes again.

Somebody missed my last parade?

I've never seen such elaborate clothes in my life.

They must've cost a fortune.

And today is just like any old day.

Imagine what he'll look like at the wedding.

I'd hate to be his tailor.

I'd never get a moment's peace.

But you'd be rich.

Wait a minute. Nicholas, my boy!

You've just given your Uncle Henry

a brilliant idea!

Yes! You have. I have?

(MENACING LAUGHTER)

Thank you.

Thank you.

(MUMBLING)

Where do you two think you're going?

My nephew and I are guests of His Excellency,

where's your invitation?

Everyone who's supposed to be at the royal fashion show must have an invitation.

I'm so angry with myself.

I must've... I could just stomp my foot.

I must've misplaced it during our long, arduous trip

from a far and distant land, so if we may...

Hey! Not so fast.

You don't belong in there.

You're not even dressed properly.

Now, go on. Get out of here

before I stomp my foot on your face!

(ROOSTER CROWING)

Thank you. Thank you.

How inhospitable!

It was a good idea.

Didn't work.

Never mind.

Off we go. Off we go? Nicholas, please.

I thought you liked swindling.

You know I do, Uncle.

It's just it's so... Illegal.

Illegal? Nicholas, that's a trifling technicality.

Swindling, it's more than illegal.

It's a voyage to discovery...

A builder of character.

Think of the challenge.

♪ Don't call it a crime

♪ Call it an adventure

♪ Feel the adventure

♪ About to begin

But, Uncle...

♪ Don't call me a cheat

♪ Call me an explorer

♪ Off on a journey

♪ Out of the rut we're in

♪ Dare dressing in sly disguises

♪ Storm enemy gates with ease

♪ Find so many more surprises

♪ Than you would inside your cottage

♪ Eating cottage cheese

♪ Don't call it a con

♪ This con is a conquest

♪ Put some excitement

♪ Into a long quest

♪ Make it an adventure

♪ This could turn out to be

♪ The adventure

♪ Of the century

SERGEANT: Forward! Hut!

(SHOUTING MARCHING ORDERS)

Oh, stop! Don't!

But, Uncle, what if we get caught?

Easy. We'll say...

♪ Don't call it a crime

♪ Call it an adventure

♪ Take an excursion

♪ To the unknown

Yes, but...

♪ Don't call me a crook

♪ Call me a crusader

♪ Conquering hunger

♪ Generally my own

♪ Pry open forbidden doorways

♪ Woo many a maiden's hand

♪ Try seeing the world in more ways

♪ Than you can behind the plow horse

♪ Fertilizing land

♪ I call it a crime

♪ Missing what romance is

♪ Life is a gamble

♪ Better your chances

♪ Make it an adventure

♪ This could turn out to be

♪ The adventure

♪ Of the century

Uh-oh. Oh! Oh.

(MAN YELLING) How can you lose your uniforms?

Your uniforms are your responsibility.

And you call yourself soldiers!

Your uniforms are your...

Your uniforms are your responsibility!

You go and find your uniforms, you idiots,

or I'll stomp my foot on your face!

(ALL EXCLAIM IN SURPRISE)

Oh, a thousand pardons.

A thousand pardons.

Quite all right.

Uh, yes. Thank you.

Hmmm.

Perfect. Absolutely perfect.

And speaking of perfect...

Good day to you, Emperor. Good day, Lady Christine.

What a striking ensemble.

Ooh!

It's nice to have a woman's opinion around the palace once in awhile.

Maybe even twice in a while.

Then perhaps you would be interested in mine.

Of course, my dear, but you must make it quick.

I have tailors from all over the world waiting for me.

Father, when will you realize I'm quite old enough to go out by myself?

What do you mean? (CLEARING THROAT)

Your Majesty, it is my sad duty to report

that Princess Gilda was dressed for the hunt...

Again.

Gilda, you know how I hate girls wearing men's clothes.

You're a princess. Dress like one.

Besides, you shouldn't be dressed for the hunt.

You should be dressed for the kill. To impress your new husband.

Wenceslas, will you stop fussing?

I know you're devoted, but stop once in a while.

When I'm sleeping at night,

every time I move, you don't have to change the whole bed.

Oh, please, Father. Please.

Yes, my dear. Excuse me.

How many times do I have to tell you that I don't want to marry Prince Nino?

Everyone says he's a complete idiot.

Do you know what he collects? No.

Spiders and mice.

(GROANS IN DISGUST)

I'm afraid, my dear, you're not 16 any longer.

We can't be too choosy.

Besides...

Prince Nino is a...

Uh... A prince.

Right. Besides, he has money.

Uh-huh.

Besides, it's prearranged.

Well, I don't care about all those things.

I just want to be happy.

Happy?

Happy.

Come, my darling, let me tell you about happiness.

Dear, you're a princess,

and royalty needs money.

Happiness does not buy money.

You think I'm happy?

You think I like getting dressed up like this all the time?

You know how much time I spend just changing socks?

ALL: Oh!

I haven't had time for a decent meal.

I've been living on finger sandwiches for years.

Oh! Bravo!

EMPEROR: Why do you think everyone is looking forward to your wedding?

At last, we'll all be able to eat sitting down.

Oh, darling, don't get...

Ah. Food.

No, no, no. I go first.

Now, let's see. I'll take one of these. One of those.

And okay, one of these. All right now.

No, no, no, no.

(CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(APPLAUSE)

The Royal Fashion Show is held...

EMPEROR: Prime Minister, please.

We all know why I'm here.

On with the show.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC FADES)

(ORIENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Hyah! Hyah!

Yah! Hyah!

(GRUNTING)

(MUSIC FADES)

(CROWD BUBBLES WITH CONVERSATION)

(RUSSIAN MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CONVERSING)

Monsieur la France.

(SPEAKING FAKE FRENCH)

The sleeves... The same...

Excusez-moi. Non, non...

(SPEAKING FAKE RUSSIAN)

Siberia, huh...

(SPEAKING FAKE RUSSIAN)

It's all the same.

(SPEAKING FAKE JAPANESE)

Pants... Two... Two legs, pants...

Shame... Shame...

(SPEAKING FAKE JAPANESE)

Why does everyone argue with me?

I'm the emperor. I need to argue with no one.

Everyone out. Out, out, out!

You, Prime Minister. You arranged this fashion show?

Did you look at the clothes?

They're the same as last year.

The sleeves are in the same place, the collars are in the same place,

the pants are all the same. What have you got to say for yourself!

Your Majesty, I beg of you.

Most esteemed Prime Minister,

permit me to refresh your memory

regarding the presence here today

of two more remarkable tailors.

Two more remarkable tailors?

Uh...

Yes, Your Majesty, I...

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Two more tailors.

I nearly forgot to mention.

Your Majesty.

Henry Dispenser and my nephew and apprentice, Nicholas.

Bow.

Two more tailors. Well...

What are your qualifications?

We are known by fashionable royalty

throughout many land as the "weavers of distinction."

Weavers of distinction.

Strange, I've never heard of you.

We know how to make, uh,

clothes so dazzling, innovative,

that they are fit only for the most discriminating

of kings, emperors, maharajahs. Yeah.

Maharajahs? Oh.

Now, tell me, tailor,

when you make these clothes,

do the sleeves always come from the shoulders?

Oh, uh... Not necessarily.

They're very flexible.

Ah, they can come from the waist, huh?

When you make the collar,

does it always go around the neck,

or could I get in to the collar feet first?

HENRY: Absolutely. I could!

When you make the pants, do you always make them with two legs?

Your Majesty, how many legs would you desire?

Five.

Five! Five!

Five legs. Oh, that is innovative. Yes, indeed.

Imagine walking down the street,

jumping from leg to leg to leg to leg to leg.

To leg to leg to leg to leg. Yes.

Show me your wares.

Your Majesty. Yes.

Your Majesty,

what you are interested in is right here.

That doesn't do me any good.

I mean, there's nothing to see.

Father, I think you should listen to these men.

I have a good feeling about them.

Darling, they have nothing to show.

Unless you give them a chance,

you will never know whether they can make clothes with five legs.

That's right. I would like to see those clothes with five legs,

and I do need clothes for the wedding right away,

and I did dismiss all the tailors.

Right.

Tell me, tailor, what would you need

to make this delicate gossamer weave?

A room with a loom.

Room with a loom. You have it.

We must be left by ourselves to safeguard our family secret.

Yes. And plenty of supplies,

gold, silver thread.

And diamonds. Diamonds.

And emeralds, rubies, sapphires...

Yes, and other precious jewels and stones.

You know.

Uh, how many jewels would you need?

Well, uh...

To start with... Uh...

A few barrels. Barrels?

A few?

Few barrels?

That's a lot of decoration, isn't it?

What about the material?

That is the material.

(STAMMERING) I don't understand.

How do you spin a thread out of a solid diamond?

Aah! Shh!

That's the family secret.

And if that isn't enough, the cloth has a property that will amaze you.

(STAMMERING) What is this amazing property?

That it has the extraordinary quality of being invisible

to anyone who is unfit for his office

or unforgivably stupid.

Oh. Oh.

Ohh.

You mean, if I wear these clothes,

someone who's unfit for their office

or stupid

would not be able to see them, am I right?

Yes. Exactly, Your Majesty.

(LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY)

Oh, yes. I've got to have these clothes.

Go start making them immediately.

Yes. These are some of the supplies that you have requested.

(PRIME MINISTER GROANS)

This is all we could find in the palace.

In a day or two, we'll bring the rest of the jewels

from the treasury.

Well, thank you very much, but I'm sure these will be more than enough.

I'm sure these will be more than enough. To begin with!

To begin with... Yeah, to start.

Well, if you'll excuse us,

we have a lot of work to do.

The wedding is practically upon us.

The emperor's new clothes

had better be all that you said they'd be,

or else...

(LAUGHING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(WHEEZING AND COUGHING)

Sergeant...

Make quite sure that these tailors

have all the privacy that they have requested.

No one may come in,

and no one may go out.

Understood? Yes, sir.

Quite. (BANGING)

There's no use wasting anymore time, is there, lad?

Now, let's get to work!

Uh... Start weaving.

But I don't know how to weave.

That's the beauty of my plan.

We'll pretend. Sit.

Treadle.

Nicholas, my boy,

warp those woofs, and be quick about it!

Oh, this is the way we weave our cloth.

Notice my steady rhythm on the loom, boy.

One and two, and one, and two, and...

♪ Weaving

♪ Weave ho

♪ Busy weavers we

♪ Night and day

♪ We toil away

♪ Weaving

♪ Weaving

♪ Peddling

♪ Treadling

♪ Muscles aching so

♪ Wracked with pain

♪ We sweat and strain

♪ Weaving

♪ Weave ho

♪ Gems, oh, jewels

♪ What luxury You'll buy for us

♪ We're rich

♪ Oh, joy

♪ We're rich

♪ Goodbye to gruel

♪ It's steak and kidney pie for us

♪ We're rich

♪ My boy, we're...

♪ Weaving

♪ Oh

♪ Weave ho

♪ Work is all we know

♪ Warp that weft

♪ And, uh, woof what's left

♪ Weaver

♪ Weave ho

♪ Oh, glee

♪ I'll have my heart's desire now

♪ What maids and chefs and cooks?

♪ Hard work, not me

♪ At last I can retire now

♪ What homes! What chefs!

♪ What books Books?

♪ Money for your every dream

♪ Nights in Spain

♪ Figs in cream

♪ How's a cottage by a stream?

♪ Oh, hush and go stitch

♪ Diamonds Twine that flax!

♪ Pearls, keep that bobbin whirling!

♪ Silver thread Don't relax!

♪ Move! And it's solid sterling

♪ Ruby rings Hit that button!

♪ Turquoise, phooey, Ain't worth nothin'

♪ Beads of garnet, yellow cat's eye

♪ Amethyst and...

♪ And where was I...

♪ Weaving

♪ Weave ho

You little snitch.

(WHISTLING)

(LAUGHING)

(TRUMPETS BLARING FANFARE)

The clothes that I'm having made for the royal wedding

will have a most unique and extraordinary quality.

All those people who are unfit for their jobs,

or stupid,

will not be able to see these clothes.

Only people fit for their jobs

and smart

will be able to see these clothes.

I think this will be very good for the kingdom.

For it will weed out all those people,

who are trying to bluff their way through life.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Good day to you all.

Papa, is that possible?

Nothing's impossible.

Keep cheering.

Whoa!

Oh. Hmm.

Well, land at last.

Now where's my Princess Gilda?

I can't wait to meet that lucky, lucky girl.

Why are you so certain

that this marriage is going to be a disaster?

Well, from everything I've heard about him,

he sounds like a moronic toad.

That's jealousy, it's idle gossip.

You've seen Prince Nino's portrait, haven't you?

Doesn't he look charming, handsome,

and devastatingly intelligent?

Emperor.

It is indeed a very great honor to meet you.

The honor is mine.

I hope your journey was pleasant?

Oh, yes, it was a very pleasant trip, Your Majesty.

Now that you're here, I suppose you want to

change from those dark traveling clothes

into something more colorful.

These are the colorful clothes.

Those are the colorful clothes?

Well, then I'm looking forward to meeting my future son-in-law.

(LAUGHING)

Emperor.

(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE)

Huh?

(GIGGLING)

(LAUGHING) I tell you!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Uh, Grand Wizor, would you kindly approach?

Uh, the painting you sent us of your son,

it was very flattering.

Was it painted in the dark?

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Tell me, do you have a younger son?

Older?

Taller? Shorter? Anything?

Do you have a daughter?

Alas, no.

(GIGGLING)

EMPEROR: You mean, that's it?

That's it.

Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

(SIGHING)

I suppose we must seize this opportunity

to sign the necessary documents

to seal this momentous pact

between our two kingdoms.

Hear, hear.

Can we talk?

Unfortunately not, Sire.

The marriage contract has already been agreed.

Oh.

Well, they better have a lot of money,

I mean a lot of money.

I'm afraid they do, Sire.

No, no, I mean a lot of money,

and I want to count it.

(GIGGLING)

The coast is clear.

Go, go, go.

(THUMPING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(BIRD SQUAWKS)

(WHISTLES)

HENRY: Bury these jewels. When we get more, we'll escape.

(DIGGING SOUND)

(LYRE PLAYING)

♪ Is this a love song?

♪ How can it be?

♪ Is this my cue

♪ To break into a rhapsody?

♪ Is this a love song?

♪ It's all too soon

♪ It's like I haven't had any time

♪ To pick up the tune

♪ Is this a love song

♪ Filling the air?

♪ Until today

♪ I never heard it anywhere

♪ But now my silly head

♪ Is all in a whirl

♪ Is this a love song?

♪ Are you the girl?

♪ Who can tell you

♪ How it all begins?

♪ There you were

♪ And here we are

♪ And there's the violins

BOTH: ♪ You feel your heartbeat

♪ Starting to rise

♪ From here on in

♪ It's all In how we harmonize

♪ 'Cause if there's anything I'm positive of

♪ This is a love song

♪ And this Is love

♪ And this is love

♪ And this is

Nicholas, who are you?

You're not a tailor.

I knew that when I saw you on crutches one minute,

and in the air the next.

Well, my uncle and I are adventurers.

Really? Yes.

Have you been to any foreign lands?

Have I been to any foreign lands?

Well, I've been to all of them.

Every single one.

From the Punjab to Timbuktu,

and back again.

Twice. (GIGGLING)

Every morning, I toss a stick up in the air,

and whichever way it points,

well, I just...

I just...

I can't lie to you, Gilda.

I've never really been anywhere.

Thank you. I'm glad you told me the truth.

Well, if I was really to tell you the truth,

I'd ask you not to marry Prince Nino,

but I know it's your duty.

My duty? I don't want to marry him.

My duty should be to be true to myself.

Oh, Nicholas, couldn't you help me?

Well, I'd like to, but how can I?

You're a princess.

Well, I'm a nobody.

Yes, but I love this nobody.

Look, I'd help if I could, but...

HENRY: Nicholas!

Nicholas!

Look, I'd like to help you,

but I really don't know how to.

Elbow to nose, 12 toggets.

Nose to elbow, 12 toggets.

Wrist to naval?

Uh, 7 millicubits.

Seven millicubits.

Chin to earlobes?

I take it you're making a hood?

Yes, Sire. Nine whoopits.

What? Nine?

The maharajah's were only six.

Did you hear that, Wenceslas?

I have bigger whoopits than a maharajah.

Bigger whoopits than a maharajah.

I've never seen a tailor measure anyone

in this fashion before.

And I've never heard of tippits and toggets

and woggles and scrugs.

That's because you know nothing about clothes.

Oh, course you can't measure diamonds thread in yards and inches.

You have to use toggets and woggets and millicubits and...

Whoopits! Right!

Whoopits.

Wenceslas, I want you to go out and get a whole book on whoopits,

'cause I got the biggest.

I want to learn how to take care of them.

Where are you going? Ah!

Your Majesty, we've finished our calculations.

Then get going!

Oh, I can't wait to see the new material.

I can't wait to see my new clothes.

Imagine they're cutting the material right now.

The clothes will be on my back in a few moments.

Ah! I can't wait to see my new clothes.

You must be patient, Your Majesty.

What are you talking about patient?

They're cutting the material now.

I can see them right now. I can put it on my tummy. I can feel it.

What are you talking about patient?

What are you doing here with me?

You're supposed to get a book on whoopits.

Go on, get the book on whoopits.

I can't wait to see my new clothes. I can't wait to see it!

I can feel it, I can know it I...

Prime Minister, I want you to go into the room with the loom,

take a look at the material, and come tell me.

The room with the loom.

Yes, the room with the loom.

Room with the loom.

It's somewhere out there.

Duke? Sire?

Do you realize I have bigger whoopits than the maharajah?

Oh, congratulations, Your Majesty.

Thank you.

I wonder what they are?

I hope they're something nice.

(DOG BARKING)

The room with the loom.

(DOG HOWLING)

(PANTING) The room with the loom.

(GILDA SCREAMING)

Go away! You leave me alone!

NINO: Come back here! I want to kiss you.

Go away!

Go away! Leave me alone!

Come on!

Come on, Princess, just a little kiss.

Never!

You'll have to kiss me once we're married.

Ugh!

I'd rather kiss a spider.

You would. Oh, you would?

Oh, I have a nice one here.

Ooh!

Leave her alone!

And who, pray tell, are you?

I'll tell you who I am.

I'm the emperor's personal tailor.

Oh. (GIGGLING)

And what are you going to do,

stick me with your needles and tie me up with thread?

Nicholas, please go get help.

Prince Nino is a master swordsman.

That's right.

Go and get help, Mr. Stitch-in-time.

Ha!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)

(SCREAMS)

Oh!

Nicholas!

Nicholas!

What?

(WHIMPERING)

Now, go away!

And don't let me catch you bothering the princess again.

When we're married, I'll kiss you.

(HISSING)

See, you did help me after all.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

(OFFICER) Forward, march!

The room with the loom.

(OFFICER SHOUTING ORDERS)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Who is it?

The Prime Minister.

Uh...

Uh, oh, a moment!

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Uh, come in.

(NORMAL VOICE) Uh, come in.

(WHEEZING)

This material had better be good.

Heaven knows it cost enough.

Well, My Lord, what do you think of it?

What do I think of what?

The material?

Our handiwork?

(MOANING)

Notice the bird of paradise pattern.

Well, that's for the jacket.

Oh, yes.

Am I stupid?

By Jove.

Surely not.

For heaven's sake.

I've got this far.

But if I am,

it's best it stay a secret.

Yes. Yes!

Am I unfit for office?

No! That's impossible.

It can't be!

I invented all my offices.

I've never seen anything

quite like it.

Please tell us what you really think.

Your opinion is very important to us, My Lord.

I'm not very interested in clothes.

It's, uh,

it's beautiful. (LAUGHING)

It's, uh, beautiful.

It's, uh, beautiful...

Beautiful.

It's, uh...

Beautiful?

I shall tell His Majesty

it pleases me very much.

Well, thank you.

I beg your pardon.

Uh, what color would you describe it as?

Why, uh, is it a new color?

I'm not very good at colors.

Financing is more my line.

(LAUGHING)

Uh...

Royal.

Royal what?

Uh...

Uh...

Blue?

Blue?

You must mean periwinkle blue.

(LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)

Royal teal, periwinkle blue.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, not again!

Oh, Your Dukeness.

I'm here to see the material.

I can't see a thing.

Oh, I am unfit for my office.

(GASPS) My wife was absolutely right.

No one must know.

NICHOLAS: Duke?

What do you think of the color?

(CLEARS THROAT) Perfect!

How would you describe it?

(STAMMERING) It's a very remarkable shade...

Shade of red. (LAUGHS)

Well, I call it more sort of ruby or cherry red.

Yes, well, it's a remarkable ruby,

crimson, cherry red.

(LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)

You've done extremely well. Carry on.

PRIME MINISTER: Oh, Your Majesty!

Yes! I'll be back in a moment.

(HYSTERICALLY) Your Majesty!

Your Majesty!

I have just come from the room with the loom,

where I have seen the most radiant fabric in the world.

It combines the sparkles of star sapphires

with the iridescence of a peacock's plume.

Royal teal, periwinkle blue,

a color absolutely fit for Your Majesty.

Your Majesty.

I knew it. I knew it!

Sorry. I knew it.

Duke. Duke, what did you think?

Um, I fear my words will not

do this ravishing cloth justice, Sire.

Try me.

(GASPS)

Manly is the first word that comes to mind.

And the second word?

Royal, Your Majesty.

Ah.

Terribly royal.

(GASPING)

Yes, and?

And the color is so unique, Sire.

A remarkable ruby, crimson, cherry red. (LAUGHING)

♪ Blue, blue, blue

♪ Is without any doubt the hue

♪ From his neck to his toes

♪ The emperor's clothes are blue, blue, blue

♪ Red, red, red

♪ Is the shade that you should have said

♪ From his knees to his nose

♪ The emperor's clothes are red, red, red

Fool. Nitwit.

Numskull. Idiot.

BOTH: ♪ Well, upon my oath

♪ One of us is a blunder cuss

♪ Or possibly both

♪ But Your Majesty

♪ Red, red, red

♪ Blue, Blue, Blue ♪ I advise you to check your head

♪ I advise you to check yours, too

♪ From his neck to his toes

♪ The emperor's clothes are red, red, red

♪ The emperor's clothes are blue, blue, blue

♪ How untrue

♪ I advise you to go back to bed

♪ From his knees to his nose

♪ The emperor's clothes

♪ Are red, red, red ♪ Are blue, blue, blue

Frump! Fleabag!

Scoundrel! Scalawag!

♪ Empty-headed jerk

♪ Soon we'll find who is colorblind

♪ And who's out of work

Him, Your Majesty! Him, Your Majesty!

♪ Red or blue

♪ Though, in fact either shade would do

♪ Any fool who'll confuse red with blue

♪ Is through, through, through

Orange!

What? I mean,

♪ Orange you glad it isn't bad?

♪ Blue, blue, blue ♪ Red, red

Dunce! Dolt!

Dope! Dope!

♪ Well, we'll just see

♪ That is, you hope

Red. Blue.

Red, red, blue, blue, red?

It can't be both blue and red.

There's only one way to settle this.

I'll have to see the cloth myself.

Red.

Orange? Ugh! Yuck!

(BOTH LAUGH)

I don't see anything.

Does that mean I'm unfit for my office or stupid?

It can't be. I'm the emperor.

Wait a minute, what was that?

A twinkle. A twinkle?

A twinkle. Diamonds! Right.

They've used diamond threads.

Oh, yes, I see it! I see it! I see it!

I love it! I love it! I love it!

Yes! Yes!

You see, Your Majesty,

as I told you, it's your favorite color.

Red!

Wrong!

Of course not, Your Majesty.

It's obviously blue.

Wrong! But you're both right.

You forget it was made out of diamond thread,

and light through a diamond makes a spectrum.

So it's both red and blue.

(LAUGHING)

And red and blue make?

Red and blue make?

Red and blue make?

(CLEARS THROAT) They come sort of a reddy-bluey thing

sort of mixture.

Very nice, too. Very nice.

Yes, sort of a...

Bluey-red.

Make purple!

Purple! Oh, goody!

Purple!

Ahh, purple!

The color of royalty, Your Majesty!

(ALL LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

(COUGHING)

Gilda, Lady Christine,

isn't the material magnificent, eh?

Yes, Your Majesty.

Gilda?

Uh...

Oh, it's... Yes, father.

I think you were very smart

to hire two such clever men.

Yes. In fact, I'm going to crown them

Knights of the Loom.

I have an idea. I have an idea.

Have your wedding dress made from the same material.

(GASPS) No!

Yes!

Then we can be father and daughter dressed alike.

Oh, yes! It will be marvelous.

Tailors, measure her taggets and millicubits immediately.

But, Your Majesty, we have no time,

and we have barely enough material

for your own suit of clothes.

You mean, my whoopits took up most of the material?

They are rather large, Your Majesty.

Well it's not my fault. It's nature.

I'm sorry, darling.

It is such fine material.

Oh, be careful, Sire.

You've torn a hole in it.

We're going to need another four diamonds to fix it.

Four more diamonds?

(WHIMPERING)

The palace, it's crawling with guards.

We're gonna have to change our escape plans.

But I can't leave yet.

Not without Gilda.

Gilda? Princess Gilda? Are you out of your mind?

I told you before, women and adventure don't mix.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Gilda!

I brought the four diamonds you asked for

to mend the hole in father's new clothes.

Here are the diamonds.

Aren't they beautiful?

Don't worry. I haven't told anyone, and I won't.

So long as you take me with you.

Of course, Gilda! We'd be delighted to, wouldn't we, Uncle?

Impossible. There is not enough room in the boat

for the princess and the jewels.

That's ridiculous. Listen, Uncle!

Gilda's in real trouble.

I can't let her marry a swine like Nino!

We have to take her with us!

No. No. No!

GILDA: All right.

All right!

Look, I'm sorry to have bothered you.

I just wonder what father will say

when I tell him who the weavers of distinction really are.

Oh!

Maybe we can work something out.

I'm sure we can.

EMPEROR: Yes, yes, yes. Put it all on.

Not too tight, not too tight, not too tight.

Oh, I can't wait. I can't wait to see.

I must take a look. I must take a peek.

Oh, yes, it's me! It's me all over!

Your Majesty!

EMPEROR: Wenceslas, please!

Don't touch the cloth.

I'll have you know I've been dressing His Majesty for 30 years. Sir!

Your Majesty. EMPEROR: Wenceslas, please!

These men know what they're doing.

But, Your Majesty...

No, Sir. No, Sir...

EMPEROR: Ah, yes. Oh, I feel so lovely.

You should hold the sleeve like this, Your Majesty.

(SCREAMING)

EMPEROR: What is it? What is it?

I can't go on, Your Majesty.

What do you mean you can't go on?

I have a terrible confession to make.

EMPEROR: What is it?

We can't finish dressing you, Sire.

Your cummerbund is missing.

The cummerbund is missing?

Your cummerbund. Cummerbund.

EMPEROR: Well, get it! Where is it?

Where is it?

It's probably around here somewhere.

No, it's, no, no.

No, it's not around here.

It's back in the room. I'll fetch it, Sire.

EMPEROR: Go get it, quickly!

I will. Yes.

Yes, yes? Yes.

I'll be back in a moment, Your Majesty.

Cummerbund? What cummerbund?

Shh!

Now is the time to take the jewels and skedaddle!

But, the emperor!

The jewels!

Gilda!

The cummerbund.

EMPEROR: It feels so good. It feels so good!

Your Majesty!

The cummerbund.

EMPEROR: Yes. Yes, indeed.

The cummerbund. Put it on. Put it on me quickly.

Not too tight. Not too tight.

Oh, it feels heavenly. It feels heavenly.

It feels lovely. Ah, that's marvelous.

Yes, indeed, that's marvelous.

Now let the wedding procession begin.

(TRUMPETS PLAYING FANFARE)

(ALL GASPING)

(LAUGHING GLEEFULLY)

(CREAKING) (MUSIC STOPS)

Right.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(ALL GROANING)

(MUMBLING INARTICULATELY)

(MUSIC PLAYS)

(CREAKING)

Hold on.

(PEOPLE MUMBLING)

Ah!

MAN: He has an idea.

Down.

(EXCLAMATIONS AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

There you are!

Look! The emperor has no clothes on!

(MUSIC STOPS)

Shh!

(CROWD WHISPERING)

Sire, I...

Let the little girl speak.

What did you say, little girl?

I said, Sire,

that you don't have any clothes on.

(CROWD WHISPERING)

The little girl is right!

The emperor has nothing on!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Come back! Come back you!

Come back!

You won't get away with this!

Shall I help you off with those clothes, Your Majesty?

You don't have to baloney me anymore, Wenceslas.

I thought you'd never say it, Sire.

Only goes to prove one thing,

everybody sees what they want to see.

(WHISPERING) Huh?

(HORSE NEIGHING)

Good luck to you, Gilda.

Have many children.

But bring them all back.

We'll need people to run the kingdom.

Your Majesty. Yes.

I take it this is one suit of clothes

which will not be in the museum?

Wrong!

This suit shall have a place of honor in the museum

to show that even an emperor can be wrong.

How gracious of Your Majesty.

Your Majesty, it takes a brave man to admit when he's wrong.

Wrong? It was not only wrong, it was stupid!

I was more stupid! It was stupid of me not to see it.

It was stupid of me not to tell.

Yes, but I was most stupid of all,

because I wore the stupid material.

Oh, wait a minute. I was incredibly stupid.

No, I was monumentally stupid.

I, as emperor, was overpoweringly stupid.

Your Majesty.

Not now, Wenceslas. We're busy being stupid.

Where were we?

You were being stupid, Your Majesty.

Right. But I, I am more stupid than all of you,

because I, as emperor, am responsible for all this stupidity!

Oh, well done!

Sire, there are some tailors to see you.

From China.

Tailors from China?

No, no, no!

Tailors from China!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Tailors from China!

Tailors from China.

China.

Come back!

Dispenser!

I'll get you!

Toggets to you, Sergeant! (LAUGHING)

(GURGLING)