The Emperor Waltz (1948) - full transcript

- Hello, Countess.
- How did you get here?

Through the window.
Forgot to mail me
my invitation.

- Go away.
- No.

- I said go away.
- And I said no.

- What do you want now?
- I had to see you just once more.

I have nothing to say to you.

Don't want you to say anything.
I want you to listen.

Can't we go somewhere
and talk?

I hate you,
loathe you, despise you.

You didn't always.
There was a time you loved me.

- Wasn't there, Countess?
- Swine.



The Emperor will have them
shot, both of them!

Let me see.

That the lenses of these opera glasses
don't crack for shame!

Isn't that the daughter
of Baron Holenia?

Yes. Johanna Augusta
Franziska, Countess
Von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg,

- disgracing every syllable of her name.
- But who is he?

- That's the man, that's the one.
- That's the who?

The man. Haven't you heard?
Where have you been?

In a mud bath in Bad Nauheim,
trying to cure my poor heart.

- I'd forgotten your heart.
- It's nothing. Don't stop now.

Very well, you've asked for it.

It's a love affair that has rocked
all Vienna for the past 4 months.

Who is he?

The most vulgar, impossible,
obnoxious, ill-mannered...



- In one word, an American.
- No!

Yes. And low
even among Americans.

He's what they call
a traveling salesman.

A traveling salesman
and a baron's daughter.

You heard about the attempt
on the Emperor's life?

- That's the man.
- Mercy!

He swindled an appointment
with His Majesty...

by presenting himself
as a great potentate.

Later, it transpired he was
a very minor potentate...

in an American organization
known as the Shriners.

I remember the day he came
to the palace with his nasty little dog...

and a mysterious,
sinister black box.

Do you know what was
in that box?

How are you today?

Will you follow me, please?

Here, Buttons.
Stop chewing that gum.

Here, give it to me.
Come here.

Scheherazade, please.
Remember your manners.

And do stop fidgeting
with your moustache.

I'm not nervous. I know perfectly well
why the Emperor has summoned us.

So do I. He's found out
You belong in jail.

You're talking to your father.

That's what's so depressing.
My own father, a scoundrel.

Mortgaging the mortgage on our castle
which was already mortgaged.

How was I to know?

I'm not a businessman:
I'm a general.

Then taking the money and
gambling it away in a single night.

The cards were marked.

Two duels already this season,

Named as corespondent in the divorce
of some suburban pastry baker,

sued by a young lady in
the chorus at the opera...

because you promised her
the lead in Aida.

The little fool.

I'm not the director
of the opera, I'm a general.

As I was trying to say
16 insults ago,

I don't believe
the Emperor summoned us
on account of me at all.

He summoned us
on account of you.

Me? What have I done?

I have an idea someone has
expressed an interest in you...

and the Emperor wants
to arrange a marriage.

Oh, nonsense. His Majesty
knows I'm still in mourning.

Two years of mourning for a husband
you couldn't endure, is enough.

Yes, I see a highly satisfactory
new marriage.

Some member of the Belgian
diplomatic corps,

or perhaps
a Russian duke.

I like Russians, don't you?
Money just oozes from them.

And, dear Papa,
You could always mortgage the Kremlin.

His Excellency
the General Baron Holenia...

and the Countess
Von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

Oh, Baron Holenia.

My dear Johanna.
Oh, get up.

Sorry I can't kiss your hand.
Bad cold.

And how is Scheherazade?

You're wearing new perfume,
aren't you?

Even I can smell it
with my stuffed up nose.

Oh, sit down, do.

Louis, come on.
Say hello to Scheherazade.

Why do they always pick a damp day
for me to inaugurate a bridge...

or open a horticultural
exhibition, or...

Oh, well. Mustn't grumble.

It's the hazard
of the profession.

If I may be permitted
a suggestion,

has Your Majesty tried
pine needles in boiling water,

inhaling the vapor
under a towel?

Pine needles?
Certainly not.

Shouldn't want my whiskers
to smell like 2 old Christmas trees.

Has, uh, anything particular
come up lately?

You ask that?
Look at my desk.

Reports, complaints,
unforgivable stupidities,

downright dishonesty, thievery!

Go on,
look at them.

I'd rather not,
Your Majesty.

I don't blame you.

Now, do you know why
I summoned you here today?

Yes. I mean, no.
I mean...

We have rather an inkling,
Your Majesty.

Then what are you
looking so gloomy about?

Don't you approve
of the alliance?

Alliance?

A marriage!

Do you or don't you know
what 'm talking about?

Yes. I mean, no.
I mean...

We have rather
an inkling, Your Majesty.

This match
means a great deal to me.

I've given it infinite thought.

I've looked up the blood lines
on both sides.

Fine, fine.
One couldn't ask for better.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

I brought Johanna up to realize
that blood comes first.

What pleases me most,
both lines are very prolific.

Oh, little embarrassing
to talk about this.

Not at all, Your Majesty.

I anticipate
superb offspring.

And I'm going to be
a little greedy about them.

Greedy?

Well, I'm a lonely man.

I've lost my wife,
my son.

It'll warm my heart to see
the little things crawling around.

A great honor.

If there are five, I want three.
Is that exorbitant?

Your Majesty!

Don't be picayune,
if it will give the Emperor any happiness.

- As for the bridegroom,
- Yes, Your Majesty.

I think the union should be
brought about as quickly as possible.

Of course, Your Majesty.

Spry as he is,
he's a rather elderly gentleman.

- How old, Your Majesty.
- Twelve.

Twelve!
- Johanna, what possible import...

Twelve?

Not quite. He will be
on the 7th of September.

I suggest that the nuptials
take place in my kennels.

Kennels?
With all that barking going on?

We're talking about the poodles!

His Majesty's dog is asking
for the paw of Scheherazade.

Ohhh. Of course.
I'm no fool.

Scheherazade,
did you hear of your engagement?

What do you say?

How about
a piece of sugar?

I'd love it.

Buttons, come here, come here.
Pull yourself together.

You'll spoil the sale for me.
You want to eat, don't you?

Must have wound
the mainspring too tight.

It's not supposed to do that
'til I pull the switch.

There's a plot on the life of the Emperor.
A time bomb!

That black box!

What's the matter?

I guess you'd like to know
what this is.

I'm not telling.
I'm gonna work it on the Emperor first.

What a bang he's gonna get out of it.
This is gonna kill him!

Ho-ho! Am I laughing?
Got a match? Here we are.

He'll be in sections.
This is gonna kill him.

You'll pardon my intrusion,
Your Majesty.

Will Your Majesty please
make all the haste possible?

- What is it now?
- A precautionary measure, Your Majesty.

- There seems to be an assassin.
- Oh, dear.

This gets to be
such a bore. Sorry.

Here. Here now!
What's the idea? Come here!

Hey, wait a minute!
Hey, you! Wait a minute!

What's the matter with you?

Are you crazy?
You're under arrest!

- Let go of me!
- And drop that dog, you dogs!

Search him! Now,
who are your confederates?
We want every name.

Is this the Emperor's palace
or a loony bin?

You came here as a potentate.
Are you a potentate?

I may have stretched things a little,
but I'm a Shriner. Paid up.

- You're a nihilist.
- I am not. I'm a Presbyterian.

A lie again. It says here
that you're a salesman.

Listen, wobble-face, isn't it possible
to be a Presbyterian Shriner salesman?

- You're trying to confuse me.
- I am also a registered Democrat,

a member of the Chamber of Commerce,
a sandlot third baseman, and I...

Not so fast!
I have to talk fast.

If I don't, my sample's
gonna rust in your fish pond.

Careful!
It might explode.

- I wish it would.
- It cannot. The powder's all wet.

It must be some new model
with a cannon attached.

You must be an old windbag
with a blabbermouth attached.

I never saw such
a bunch of ignoramuses.

Here, Buttons,
we'll show 'em the trademark.

Does that mean anything to you?

It doesn't, hey?

Well, it's an invention.
A talking machine.

A new kind of American thingamabob.
Watch this.

We have a record, we put it
on the machine thus.

We start the works in this manner.
Drop the needle in that fashion.

Something wrong here.
What do you... What's going on?

This is not standard equipment.

With Your Majesty's permission,
Your Majesty may come out now.

About time. I was beginning
to feel like a corkscrew.

- What was it this time?
- A false alarm, Your Majesty.

An American salesman
trying to force his way in.

A most persistent breed,
these Americans.

One threw himself
in front of my carriage.

He was selling brushes.

Wanted me to buy
two for my whiskers.

Also a clothes brush, shoe brush,
nail brush and a tooth brush.

Incredible.

We finally bought a mop
and had him deported.

Where were we now?

The dogs, Your Majesty.
The final arrangements.

Oh, yes. Louis and I will be
at my hunting lodge in the Tyrol...

for the next three weeks.

I want you to come and stay with me
and bring Scheherazade.

We are most honored,
Your Majesty.

I think the happy couple will find
the mountain air quite invigorating.

As to transportation, have you
any objections to the horseless carriage?

None whatever, Your Majesty.

Then I'll send my automobile
to bring you up next Tuesday.

Good-bye, Baron.
Good-bye, my dear Johanna.

May I personally guarantee Your Majesty
a most glorious litter?

Thank you.
I shall see you in the mountains.

Everybody return
to his quarters.

No tradesperson
is permitted in the palace.

You will pack that squalling abomination
and leave at once!

- Out! Out! Out!
- Oh, no, I don't.

I'm gonna wait 'til it dries
and show it to the old boy,

as per my appointment!

- To whom will you show it?
- To the Emperor.

If you play ball, I won't tell him
what a monkey You made out of yourself.

You will never see
the Emperor.

I'd protect His Majesty from that object
as I'd protect him from a bomb.

You listen to me, chubby, I didn't come
to Austria to run into that kind of guff.

I came here to put that machine
over and I'm gonna.

I'm gonna sell 5,000,
10,000, 20,000.

Not in Austria,
I assure you.

We do not take to cheap,
blatant innovations.

You're a bunch of dusty old aunties,
scared of anything new.

You wouldn't have put in
the electric light,

bought an automobile,
only the Emperor did.

He's gonna buy the first one
of these and endorse it.

And when he does,
you watch the sales skyrocket.

Yo-ho! They're going up.

And perhaps you will take
a photograph of our Emperor...

looking into that horn,
in place of your dog.

Don't you realize this is the greatest thing
that's happened to the Holenias...

in ten generations?
- Will it pay the butcher's bill?

What butcher would dare present his bill
to the Emperor's brother-in-law?

- What was that?
- My poor demented daughter...

don't you realize we've just become
part of the Emperor's family?

All because of some
arrangement about puppies?

Thanks to those puppies
Your father is now...

the most important man in the monarchy,
inseparable from the Emperor.

He and I will sit together
waiting for them to be born.

We'll feed the little things
with medicine droppers,

spread newspapers for them,
take them on walks.

I shall have the Emperor's ear
and advise him on matters of state.

I may become
ambassador to Paris,

or minister of finance.
- Oh, not that, Father.

As for you, Johanna,
magnificent vistas have opened up.

What's wrong with the young king of Spain?
Or there's an English princeling.

Father, to return to the butcher,
how are we to provide...

meat for the bride, if she's
to be kept alive for the happy event?

Don't be ridiculous. We now have
all the credit in the world.

So Vienna thought
we had gone to the dogs?

Gone to the dogs, indeed!

Stop dawdling. We've endured
your presence long enough.

Aw, your emperor's sideburns!

What are you doing now?

Disrobing in the palace grounds?

What a fussy old dude you are.

You're worse than a
worm on a hot rock.

I'll give you one more minute
to get that object out of here!

That's what's known
as Viennese charm, Buttons.

If you ever see me order
wienerschnitzel again,

you can spit right in my eye!

Here, Buttons.
Come back here.

- Hey, Buttons!
- Go away, You nasty mongrel!

What are you up to?
You bad dog, you. Here!

What's the matter?

Hey! Hey, you!

This dog is bleedin'.
What did you do to my dog?

- Stop! Hey!
- That's enough!

You bet it is.

We've been kicked around,
thrown in the water, snapped at, bitten.

Who do those people
think they are?

They are His Excellency,
Baron Holenia...

and the Countess Von
Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

Where do they live?

The Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg palace
on Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg Square.

That's a lot of Stolzenberg.

And don't tell us to get out
'cause we're gittin'.

- You rang, sir?
- Does a black dog live here?

- I beg your pardon?
- A French poodle about that size.

Tell her she has to see
a man about a dog.

Perhaps if you would clarify
the nature of your business, S Ir.

Hey, you!

What's the idea of just running off
after your dog has bitten my dog?

I don't expect decent
manners of that thing,

but human beings we expect
to act halfway human.

Take off your hat.

Look at that leg.

Bitten clear to the bone.
It bled all over my rented suit.

I doubt if my birds
care for the smell of your hat.

Fry your birds!
I'm talkin' about my dog.

Your dog ought to have a muzzle
and not a leather muzzle, a steel one.

Don't let him upset you, darling.

Look at that silly haircut.

Who trims her,
the guy that trims your hedges?

What is it that you want?

Damages for your mongrel,
money for cleaning your trousers?

I want a saliva test made of her,
and I want it right now

You want what?

A saliva test.
She may be mad.

That silly lookin' thing
may have the rabies!

I'll thank you not to use such vile words
when you talk about her.

All right, hydrophobia, then.

Have you watched
her for symptoms?

Has she been frothing
at the mouth?

Does her bark sound croupy?

My dear man, if either of these
two dogs is mad, it's yours.

My veterinary goes over Scheherazade
from snout to tail every week.

She's a dog of superb pedigree
and she gets superb care.

Oh, listen, any mutt
can have rabies.

For the last time, will you stop
referring to her as a mutt?

Have you ever heard of blood lines?
Hers goes back to the 18th century.

Hmpf. His goes back to as far
as they've been havin' dogs.

Perhaps you've heard
of one of her ancestors,

Papillion,
the poodle of Marie Antoinette.

They were both guillotined
in the French Revolution.

Smart move.

Her father belongs
to Czar Nicholas of Russia.

- You don't say.
- Her mother to the Infanta of Spain.

His mother belongs to a milkman
in Springfield, Illinois. And his father...

His father. Well,
You've got me there.

Her twin brothers belong to a Cardinal
and live in the Vatican.

As for Scheherazade herself,
she has just become engaged...

to the dog of His Majesty,
Francis Joseph the First.

Yeah? Well, Buttons' brother helps a kid
named Stinky O'Hara deliver newspapers...

and his sister was making an
honest living as a watchdog...

until she was hit
by the Baltimore and Ohio.

- How really fascinating.
- If your poodle is so classy...

how come she doesn't know better than
to go around biting a nice little dog?

If your animal is so clever, it should
know better than to approach a dog...

of an entirely different class.

All he did is go up to her and say,
"How do you do?" That's all.

He thrust his ugly, ill-bred
little face right at hers.

- And for that she bit him.
- Certainly.

And she was right?

Absolutely. There are such
things as class distinctions.

- How's that?
- Class distinctions, I said.

I thought that's what you said.
Two kinds of blood you mean?

Blue blood and the kind we have.

The kind you get at the
five and ten cent store.

Precisely. You must admit
there's a difference between...

Stinky O-something-or-other
and the Emperor of Austria.

There is the lowbred
and the highbred.

If the lowbred has the impertinence
to come distastefully close,

what can he expect
but to be bitten?

- Is that so?
- It is.

Okay.
Now you bite me.

I would have horsewhipped him
then and there, the revolting little plebian.

You saw him. Ears like a bat
and the rest of him like a plucked duck.

Perhaps there's more to him
than meets the eye.

So it would seem
from what happened in the mountains.

What happened in the mountains?

A conflagration of
the wildest passion...

- Please! Remember the archduchess's heart.
- Go on. What happened?

- For your own sake, Isabella.
- Oh, go on,

or I shall fling myself
from this balcony.

All right, it's your heart.
It seems that that little horror...

found out the Emperor
was going to the Tyrol.

So being an American...

They'll do anything in their
mad pursuit of the almighty dollar.

If you feel a song

Then let the song begin

And you'll find the friendly mountains
joining in

Joining in

Loosen up your pipes

And brother you can bet

It's as pretty
as a barbershop quartet

Quartet
Quartet

Quartet
Quartet

Quartet
Quartet

Quartet

Quartet

You can raise your voice

And sing out hip-hooray

But it always comes back

Give the birds a break

And hustle up a song

And let the friendly mountains

Sing along

If you feel a song

Then let the song begin

And you'll find the friendly mountains
joining in

When your melody

Goes rollin' 'round the sky

Well you'll feel that
You're a pretty nifty guy

Pretty nifty guy

Pretty nifty guy

Pretty nifty guy

You there, halt!

I just wanted
to look the place over.

It's very nice too.
Come on, Buttons.

No visitors while
our Emperor's in residence.

- Is he in there now?
- It's the hunting season.

When he hunts, doesn't he
come out here once in a while?

- Every morning. Early. 4 o'clock.
- Through this gate?

Through this gate, down that road,
through this gorge and up that mountain.

Down that road, through that gorge
and up that mountain, huh?

With your very kind permission,
the car is boiling.

Well, don't stand there.
Get some cool water from some brook.

With your very kind permission,
I shall.

We're almost there,
Scheherazade.

You better take her goggles off.
They give her a headache.

She's perfectly all right,
Father.

Her nose is dry and hot.
She's running a temperature.

- I told you she should have worn her blanket!
- Don't be hysterical, Father.

How can I help
being hysterical?

If she should come down
with distemper... Heaven forbid!

Relax. Breathe in
this heavenly air!

Yes, it'll do her good.

This Tyrol...
It's like a vast oxygen tent.

Listen to that yodel.
It's the voice of Austria.

Mountain-born,
deep-rooted, eternal.

What is it, Scheherazade?

What's biting you,
anyway?

Here, Buttons.
Come here.

Scheherazade!
Catch her!

Come here!

Scheherazade!

Let her go!
He's biting her, he's killing her!

Take that black beast
out of here! Whoa!

Here, here, here.

There.

Yoo-hoo.

- This I find outrageous!
- Small world, isn't it?

- Are you following me?
- No. Are you?

This is the same objectionable American,
isn't it?

I'll take care of him.
Get Scheherazade in the car.

I'll give her some brandy.

If you don't mind,
I should like to ask you a few questions.

You look mighty sweet in that.

Like a piece of candy
wrapped up in tissue paper.

Exactly why are you here,
dressed like that?

If I wanted to make a deal with the Sultan
of Morocco, I'd come dressed like a dervish.

You're here on business?

They don't pay my expenses
to come up here and yodel.

Ah, yes, I've heard of that
peculiar object you're peddling.

- You wish to sell it to the Emperor?
- That's right.

You're here at His
Majesty's request?

Let's not get technical.

Where are you staying?

Down in the village
at the Golden Fiddle Inn.

They have a very attractive
upstairs maid. A redhead.

Exactly how will you manage
to see His Majesty?

I shan't see him: he's going
to see me. Or hear me.

- Or rather, he's gonna hear my machine.
- Go on.

Every morning he goes out
shooting deer.

He goes out his gate, down that gorge
and up that mountain.

One of these mornings I shall
hide behind a tree or something,

get my machine set up
and suddenly...

- And then?
- Once he hears it it'll be a cinch.

He'll say, "How come that beautiful band
is up here playing...

in these little bitty
old doggone hills of mine?

That's what he'll say?

Yes. And I shall pop from
behind my tree and say,

"Emp, that's no band,
that's a phonograph.

Come over here
and see for yourself."

Very clever. Only it won't work.

Why won't it?

Because the Emperor will not
hear that loathsome apparatus.

Because you will not be
hiding behind any trees.

Because no tradesman can presume
on the Emperor of Austria.

You're to go straight to your
hotel, pack and leave immediately,

you and that dog.

- Who'd gonna make us?
- The police.

Like fun, they will.
I'm an American citizen.

He's an American dog.

I have a passport.
He has a dog licence.

If you don't leave voluntarily,
the gendarmes will come...

and take you and your dog by the nape
of your necks and throw you on the train.

Try anything like that and you're
gonna get in a peck of trouble.

Don't forget that Teddy Roosevelt
still carries a big stick.

- Who carries what?
- You start a fight with me...

and he'll have the United States Army
here so fast it'll make your head swim.

Johanna, get in the car.
Scheherazade has fainted twice.

The Army, Navy and the Marines,
You understand?

And don't forget we're building a little
something called the Panama Canal.

What's he talking about?

You'll find out when we
won't let your ships through.

You'll have to go all the way
down around South America.

Or else you'll have to go all the way
up north where it's so cold that...

The first train out of here.
You, your apparatus and dog.

Especially that dog.

We'll fix you in Washington.
What we'll do to your ambassador!

We'll boycott your product!

The Blue Danube forbidden
by act of congress!

Shut up!

- Johanna.
- Come in, Father.

Aren't you getting dressed?

They're all downstairs
on the terrace.

- Quiet, Father.
- Have you glanced out the window?

The Emperor has invited us with a group
that offers rather interesting possibilities.

- What's the matter with you?
- Nothing. It's Scheherazade.

- What's wrong now?
- The Emperor's veterinary is with her.

- She's had a nervous breakdown.
- A nervous...

- No!
- A complete collapse.

They were bathing her and
she was perfectly all right...

'til she saw another dog,
a small dachshund.

She began screaming.
They tested her with another dog,

a tiny chihuahua:
the same hysteria.

When they brought in the
Emperor's dog to calm her,

she broke loose, jumped through
a window and ran amok.

Apparently, she can't stand
the sight of another dog.

- Has the Emperor been told?
- Not yet.

We hope the veterinary
will be able to do something.

That inconsiderate,
ungrateful black animal!

Jeopardizing all our chances!

Come here.

The Hungarian officer
playing cards,

that's Prince Istvan
Barlossy de Baloshasa.

I met him in Budapest.
Didn't like him very much.

Nonsense. Since then he's inherited
half of Buda and a large part of Pest.

What have you against the
Marques Alonso Lafuente?

Which one is he?

The handsome one with
the tennis racket.

Greatest family in Andalusia.

Castles in Spain, literally.
Seven of them.

You still haven't mentioned
the best possibility.

Do you mean
Duke Ferdi Lindendorf?

No, the Princess Bitotska.
I'm thinking of you, Father.

Don't be disgusting.

She's had her one good eye
on you for years.

She's old enough
to be my mother.

She still plays tennis.

She ought to be in a wheelchair,
the arthritic old horror.

Let's go and see if that beast
of yours is feeling any better.

I repeat: It is extremely important
that the patient speak anything in her mind.

Anything at all.

We need a complete
stream of consciousness.

Is that clear?

Thank you very much.

Now, I would like to know
all about your dreams.

You dream,
I presume?

All right.
What do you dream?

Is it a recurrent dream?

Very good.

A typical anxiety dream.

What is all this, Doctor?

Please! This is
a very serious case.

Indubitably a psychoneurosis,
sometimes called a neuropsychosis.

Fortunately, I went
to the University of Vienna...

with a young doctor
by the name Freud.

He has created
a curative method:

the analysis of the psyche
by delving into the subconscious.

Now I must ask
for your earliest recollections.

Your father and mother:
Was their home life congenial?

Doctor, stop torturing her.
I can tell you what's wrong.

She had a fight with a dog.

She did?

Twice. Once in Vienna and
once this very afternoon.

The same dog.

You see? That's what
leads to wrong diagnoses.

Patients withhold things.
What kind of a dog?

American.
Small, white, male.

- What was his name?
- Buttons.

Let's test it.

Buttons!

Absolutely clear now.

A fear complex.

Frightened by one dog,
now afraid of all dogs.

- I may kill her.
- Is there a cure?

In some cases. The patient has developed
what I and my colleague, Dr. Freud, call

a mental block.

What is the cure,
Doctor?

The frightened one must realize
she has nothing to be afraid of.

In other words, we must
bring the two dogs together.

- That's impossible.
- It is imperative.

I gave orders to have them both removed.
The man and the dog.

I may kill you.

Without the other dog,
I see very black.

Maybe it's not too late.

Come, darling,
don't tremble like that.

Don't be nervous.
Everything's going to be...

With your very kind permission,
exactly what inn was it?

The Fiddle Inn.

There are three Fiddle
Inns: the Green Fiddle,

the Golden Fiddle and
the Broken Fiddle.

How idiotic.

With your very kind permission,
the whole village is fiddles.

That's what they make here.
Fiddles.

I've got to find him
before it's too late.

The American, has he left?

No, but he is leaving.
Number 7.

If you do not hurry,
you will miss the train.

So we miss the train. So what?

So you will be pulled
out of here by ox cart.

I think you're full of pickled pumpernickel,
the both of you.

All right, you little
bundle of joy. Come on.

Up! In you go.

Well, if it isn't the Countess!

Don't you trust them?
We're leaving.

Step outside, you two.
And close the door.

I have to talk to you.

We'll miss the train.

You're not going on that train.

What are you gonna do,
shoot us out of a cannon?

I need your help.

Well. You don't say.

My dog is outside
in a state of complete collapse.

Small wonder. You people
take those high-strung critters,

breed them, interbreed them,
over breed them,

something in their noggins
is bound to start rattling.

She was perfectly all right
until she saw your dog...

All Buttons did was walk up...

Let's not go into it.

I'm here to demand your cooperation.

The reason for Scheherazade's
breakdown is fear...

and the reason for her fear
is your dog.

The only cure is to get back
to the source of that fear,

thus eliminating the mental block.
Are you following me?

Countess, you lost me back
there around "cooperation."

To put it simply, if she could realize
he is not a danger.

If your dog could be
nice to my dog.

Oh, no. She might
throw a flea on him.

I assure you this is a matter
of the utmost importance.

It goes far beyond
just curing a dog.

So we do you a favor
and you kick us out. Is that it?

No, you can stay as long as you like,
do what you like. I don't care.

Well, now you're talkin' sense.

I'll bring her in. There's no time
to waste. See that your dog behaves.

Hold it, Countess,
there's a word missing.

I beg your pardon?

- The word is please.
- Please.

Ah-ah-ah-ah.
You can do better than that.

- Please.
- Come again.

Please.

Getting warmer.

Please.

Bring in the mutt!

Leopold...

Put her on the bed here.

She's got it pretty bad, huh?

Here, you, quiet.
Shh!

The doctor says that
she might go c-r-a-z-y.

We'll see what we can d-o.

Now, now, now.

Don't say no until you and I have
had a chance to talk, man to man.

I'm gonna open this basket

and you're gonna go and apologize
like a little gentleman.

You understand?

Don't open the basket.

Let me handle this.
Come on, Buttons.

Come on, boy.
Gotta help me out now.

Remember that time in Munich when
you became involved with the police...

'cause you lapped up
all that beer in the ratskeller.

Who got you out of that?
Old Virgil, huh?

We won't talk about it
now, no.

You've gotta help me out.
Go over there and apologize.

Go on. All right,
so she did hurt your feelings.

So she's snooty
and highfalutin.

But you're a pretty fresh
little mutt yourself, you know.

But you're a man and it's up to the man
to apologize. Now go ahead. Go on.

Her heart's beating like mad.

Proud, huh? And stubborn.

Look at her.

For once in your life you meet
a real lady. And a mighty pretty one.

Look at those trim
little ankles, hmm?

And that pompadour.

That's super deluxe, that's class.
Better than class: it's "clarss."

Go on, be nice to here.
Go ahead, move in.

Take charge. Atta boy.
Go on, Buttons.

Don't be afraid, Scheherazade.
He's a nice little dog.

Maybe he hasn't had
some of the advantages.

It's no use.
Maybe we'd better stop.

Hey, Buttons. Hey.

I kiss your little hand, Madame...

Your dainty fingertips

And while in slumberland,
Madame...

I'm begging for your lips

- I haven't any right, Madame
- I think she likes that.

Sometimes I wonder

If hearts are broken

By little love words
that are left unspoken

I always tremble

When you are near me

I'm looking for a ray of hope

To cheer me

I hope to keep my kisses warm

Until we meet in shadow form

In dreams I kiss your hand, Madame

Your dainty fingertips

And while in slumberland, Madame

I'm begging for your lips

I haven't any right, Madame

To do the things I do

Just when I hold you tight, Madame

You vanish with the night, Madame

In dreams I kiss your hand, Madame

And pray my dreams

come true

I'm just putting it on a little...
to give them the idea.

Oh.

- Nothing personal, you understand.
- Oh, I understand perfectly.

- I wouldn't presume...
- No, of course you wouldn't.

I haven't any right, Madame

To do the things I do

Just when I hold you tight, Madame

You vanish with the night, Madame

Thank you so much.

You've been most kind.

Oh, not at all.

It's a pleasure
to do business with you.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Oh, Countess.
Yes?

You forgot something.

I did? What?

Your d-o-g.

Oh, of course.

He has missed the train.

What train?

The one he was going on.

Oh, he's not going.

Scheherazade.
Scheherazade.

Buttons.

She seems so wonderfully well.

Doesn't she, though?

Come on, Scheherazade,
come on.

Come on, Buttons.
Here, boy.

Come on, Scheherazade,
Give Buttons back his ball.

Oh, no. Let her have it.
Compliments of the house.

You're very kind.
Good-bye.

- So long, Countess.
- Come on, Scheherazade.

If she should have a relapse,
bring her back.

Thank you so much.

Any time.

Go on home,
You two.

You're telling me.

It's the biggest stag they've had up here
in years, Your Majesty. I saw it myself.

Already I can see its head
above Your Majesty's desk.

Those magnificent antlers,
18 points.

You can see the antlers but
I don't seem to see the stag.

It is up there in the glen,
I assure, Your Majesty. Listen.

Every morning for a week they've
promised me that stag and no stag.

Not a shadow of a stag.

Today it will be there.

It must be. That stag dare not
disappoint his emperor again.

Look at all those other men,
Putzi. I'm very angry with you.

Do you mind, Princess?
I do not like the name Putzi.

Not only am I angry,
I'm disappointed.

I did hope you'd wear
those nice short leather pants.

Why?

For years I've wanted
to see your knees.

You must have very good knees,
my dear Putzi.

They're handsome knees.
They're my knees and I'm nobody's Putzi.

Aren't you being a little cold
to the richest woman in Austria?

Not rich enough.

Besides, I have other prospects.

Such an exciting contrast,
Countess.

You, pale and blond

against the brunette
Spanish landscape.

Spain is for bulls.

For a beautiful woman is Hungary...
is Budapest,

that wicked boudoir of a city.

No, entirely too much paprika,
don't you think, Countess?

Let me show you Granada:
toreadors, orange trees,

a thousand fountains
dancing in a sunlight.

You offer the Countess sunlight.
I offer her fierce midnights...

and czardas and wild gypsies.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Did someone say something?

There,
Your Majesty.

What is it?
Music here in my own forest?

- How dare they?
- I don't know, Your Majesty.

I want my stag!

It must be a band
marching down the highway.

- Maybe it's an echo from the village.
- I want that band apprehended.

I will have them punished.
Every instrument, especially the brasses!

Your Majesty,
may offer my profound apologies?

You may not!

- Oh, certainly not.
- Silence!

- Turn that thing off.
- Hi, Countess.

Turn it off immediately.

Now that I got him here?
You're crazy.

- Stop it, I tell you.
- You're gonna scratch my record.

You scared off the Emperor's stag.
They're combing the woods with loaded guns.

Let me demonstrate...

Did you find that band?

Not yet, Countess.
They must be hiding in the underbrush.

Who is this man?

A tourist picking strawberries.

What is that?

Well, that's what I was asking.

It's apparently
for the strawberries.

How?

How. Oh-Oh, "how?"

Oh, why you... You put
the strawberries in here...

and then you grind them up with this,
you see, and the jam collects down yonder.

This, uh, black platter...
You serve them n the platter.

The hole is for the juice.

Any other questions,
please?

Yes. Will it work
with gooseberries?

Gooseberries.
Great with gooseberries,

huckleberries,
strawberries, raspberries.

It's particularly
smashing with raspberries.

You get the jam and the sound.
You see?

Go find the band.!

Yes, Countess.

Thank you, Countess.
You're a pip.

I'm a what?

A sweetheart. Put down that gun
and have a chair.

I'm afraid you'll have to think up
another scheme for your talking machine.

- Say, how's Scheherazade?
- She's much better.

- Too bad.
- What did you say?

I said "too bad".

Buttons and I were hoping she'd have
a relapse and you'd have to come back.

That won't be necessary.
She's as gay as a lark.

Busy with her wedding plans.

Being trimmed, a new collar,
sniffing over her wedding presents.

Is that right?

Buttons and I keep talking about
you, night and day.

No sleep. No appetite.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You don't suppose, do you,
that that mental block business...

Now, could that be contagious?

Nonsense! Buttons is a sturdy,
well-adjusted little dog.

Oh, I know Buttons is
but I'm talking about me.

I'm the one that's
got the shivers.

Don't laugh. One night there'll
be a knock at your door.

When you come to open it,
Buttons will be standing there,

with me in his arms.

Like you came with Scheherazade.

He'll put me down...

and I'll lie there
quaking all over,

with my eyes rolled back until
just the white is showing.

There'll be nasty gossip
at the castle.

We'll sneak up
the servant's stairs.

There I'll be, lying there
in pitiable condition.

You'd have to help me
then, wouldn't you?

How?

You'd bend over me...

You remember the cure we found.

I never sing.

Well, come on, force yourself.

Just hum a little, huh?

Countess Von
Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

Countess
Von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg!

Good-bye.

Oh, wait, Countess, don't go.
Don't you feel it too?

Feel what, Mr. Smith?

Oh, that funny stir
inside of you.

Those bubbles that start
down in the tips of your toes

and tingle up
through your spine...

'til they reach your brain
where they pop like a firecracker.

I know nothing about
any such bubbles.

They're in your veins.
In your arteries.

They beat in your throat
and pound in your ears.

What does, Mr. Smith?

Your blood. It's all out of whack.
It goes so fast and every which-way.

Mine's going counterclockwise.
How's yours?

Perfectly normal, I assure you.

I don't believe it.

Mine's the weak,
watery different sort of blood.

You said so yourself.

In dreams I kiss your hand, Madame

Your dainty fingertips

And while in slumberland, Madame

I'm begging for your lips

Go to sleep, Scheherazade.

Go to sleep.

Now, really!

Scheherazade,
come back to bed.

Scheherazade!

Stop thinking about him.

He's just an ordinary little dog,
like a million other little dogs.

All right, he has some charm
and he knows some tricks,

but he's not for you:
he's not your sort.

I think I better give you a sleeping pill.
It'll relax you. Come on.

Come to bed.
Come on.

Get in.
That's a good girl.

Take this and lie down
and go to sleep.

Oh, go to sleep, do.

Tomorrow you're going to be the
most important dog in Austria.

You want to look your best.

Scheherazade, you're an adult,
intelligent woman.

A little self control, a little dignity.
Is that too much to ask?

What would happen
if we all let ourselves go?

Just make up your mind to this.
It cannot be.

Shut out every thought
in that direction.

Fight it.
Suppress it.

In dreams I kiss your hand

Your dainty fingertips

And while in slumberland, Madame

I'm begging for your lips

I haven't any right, Madame

To do the things I do

Just when I hold you tight

You vanish with the night

A fine pair we make.

Not another cold,
Your Majesty?

Certainly not.
The same one.

I might again suggest inhaling
the vapor of pine needles.

No, Holenia, no.

Forty-15.

Any news from the kennels?

We took Scheherazade
down after luncheon.

She asked me to thank Your Majesty
for the bridal bouquet.

You've seen poodle puppies,
haven't you, Holenia?

Charming little beasts.

Look as if they were made
of black wool and licorice.

Good shot.

If I might be excused,
Your Majesty.

What is it? What's happening?

She's run away. She's gone.

It's a disgrace to our kennels.
Well, where is she?

I don't know. She just jumped over
a 6-foot fence and disappeared.

That filthy animal!
I must inform His Majesty.

You will do nothing of the kind.

We mustn't disquiet the Emperor.
He has a cold.

Then what am I to do?

We'll catch her.
We'll bring her back.

You return to the kennels.
That's an order!

Yes, Baron.

Advantage, receiver.

Johanna.

The game.
Johanna.

Yes, Father?
We're in trouble.

What is it?

Scheherazade!
Scheherazade!

Scheherazade.!

Scheherazade!
Look at the silly beast!

Scheherazade.
Scheherazade.
Where's Scheherazade?

I don't know.

For heaven's sake, don't just lie there.
She's run away.

She must be with Buttons.
Where's Buttons?

Look at there. You threw me off.
What's your problem?

Where's Buttons?

- He isn't here.
- He's not? Where is he?

He got feeling so miserable
I put him out on the island.

What island?

Out here.
I'll show you.

He was unhappy, crying all night
and everything...

I thought if I disconnected him from
the mainland, put him on that island...

Look!

That idiot.!

That wonderful gal.

No mountain too high.
No ocean too wide.

Go it, Scheherazade!

- Oh, I hate you.
- The way, you say it, I don't mind it.

We've got to stop her.

Oh, forget her. Stick around,
I'll open up a bottle of glue.

I've gotta catch her and
you're going to help me.

Wait a minute. Wait!

Johanna,
what is it?

Where are you going?
Johanna!

Scheherazade!

Scheherazade!

Do you know how
to row this thing?

Sure. I used to travel
for a Venetian blind company.

Scheherazade!

Santa Lucia

Santa Lucia

Scheherazade!

Scheherazade!

Johanna!

Johanna!

- Scheherazade.
- Hold it, Buttons. I'm a'comin'!

Oh, boy,
You're all mixed up here.

- He isn't hurt, is he?
- No, not him, he's too tough.

You kept telling me
she didn't care, huh?

- Don't let him off that leash.
- Oh, don't worry.

Well, you've had your moment,
You lucky little coot.

It isn't every guy, has the lovely
Countess swim across a lake for them.

Stop trembling, Scheherazade.

I won't scold you. No.

I won't even mention it
to anybody, ever. I promise.

What's that noise?

Oh, that?
That, uh, comes from the village.

You know,
in the daytime they make violins,

and in the evening, they fiddle.

Mighty pleasant,
isn't it?

It's probably due to the echo.

Yeah. Like sittin' way up
in the balcony, huh?

No, no, no, we must go back,
Scheherazade and I.

Well, then I'll...
I'll get Buttons ready for the night.

You can say your lips

Are not for me

But you can't hide the kiss

That's in your eyes...

Would you mind not singing?

What was that?

I said, please stop singing.

Oh, sure.

What's a matter, Countess?
You afraid or something?

Afraid?

You know, this silly island,
the silly sunset, all those fiddles

tearing away, a man's voice.

You have to be
more explicit.

But you needn't be afraid.
It's just that...

sometimes sounds
do funny things.

Now, you take a big chandelier,

one of those high-class,
well brought up chandeliers,

and you hit a particular note,
ping.

You make that chandelier
tinkle all over.

Are you under the impression that
your voice could, as you put it,

make me... tinkle?

Well, yes, maybe,
a little around the edges.

Who do you think I am?
Some half-witted shop girl...

or some maudlin little waitress
from a beer garden?

You're a chandelier,
Countess.

The loveliest chandelier
I ever saw.

Go on, sing!

Oh. No.

This is insulting.
Sing and sing at once!

You can say your lips

Are not for me

But you can't hide the kiss

That's in your eyes

And you can say my arms

Would only leave you cold

But wait 'til they hold you

And then look wise

Yes, and you can say

Tonight will come and go

Without a single moment's worth of sighs

But why should I agree

When I know what will be

It's plain to me

Plain as the kiss

In your eyes

Plain as the kiss...

Stop it!

I had a husband.

He was suave and distinguished.

He was dark and dashing.
He was six feet two.

He was the handsomest man
in Austria.

You're so different.

Imagine, a thousand years
of civilization crumbling

because of a drummer's
vocal chords.

- Isn't it utterly past belief?
- Aren't you a little harsh?

I remember once when
I was listening to Caruso.

Caruso is excusable,
but that man's voice is...

A cheap bathroom yowl.

Ah, Therese, think of
their nearness and the lake...

and the fragrance of the summer night
in the Tyrol.

Why begrudge them a
moment of happiness?

Had it only stopped there.

But for two whole weeks they were
having secret rendezvous on that island.

- The four of them.
- How shocking!

How divinely shocking!

Could I trouble you for another kiss,
honey Countess?

No trouble at all.

I shall never forget you, Virgil.

Impertinent, unpardonable,
ridiculous Virgil.

You bet you won't because I'm
gonna be around to remind you.

You are?

I got it all worked
out, honey Countess.

You pack Your bags. I pack mine.

We get the dogs. Take the first train,
first boat, and then one day your folks...

are gonna get a postcard
from Newark, New Jersey.

It'll say, "Merry Christmas from
Mr and Mrs Virgil H. Smith."

It sounds so wonderful,
and so impossible.

Oh, a few small problems.

A few? A million.

Where I come from,
there's only one real problem:

Have you got two
bucks for the licence,

and two bucks I got.

Where I come from there are
traditions and conventions...

and family ties and
responsibilities...

Oh, forget 'em, Countess.

We can't afford
a scandal in my family.

I have a young brother.

By the grace of the Emperor, he's just been
admitted to the Imperial Cadet School.

Good. So he'll hustle
and get himself a job

setting up pins in the
Imperial Bowling Academy.

I have a young sister, 17.

She's to be presented at court,
her first great glamourous ball.

She'll call in the
neighborhood kids instead.

She'll have herself
a big taffy pull.

Then there's my father,
very bankrupt and slightly dishonest.

If we affront the Emperor...

The Emperor, the Emperor...

- Nobody's that important.
- The Emperor is.

Why don't you tell him how things
are with us, how we stand?

- That we're crazy about each other.
- Don't be naive.

All right then,
let me talk to him.

You?

Why, sure! You just get me in there.
I'll tell him a thing or two.

You're not ashamed of
me, are you?

Of course not.

Because I have no title,
I'm just a businessman?

No, it's impossible.

The Emperor wouldn't
listen to you.

Even if he did,
he wouldn't believe his ears.

I'll reason it out with him.

You don't reason with
an emperor, darling.

You bow and listen to what he has
to say and what he has to say is no.

It's always no.

And you bow again and leave.

Not me. I don't take no's.

I get my foot in the door and
I talk and talk and talk fast.

I'm a good salesman.

So I've noticed.

Come on, honey Countess.
Let me see him, huh?

I'm no saint. Heaven knows.
I'm no Puritan.

I've allowed my affections to get involved
with the lower classes, more than once.

But I had some
sense of proportion.

I love him, Father.

But at the proper time, I had the good taste
to consign her regretfully to the garbage can.

I didn't put on a silver platter
and present her to my emperor.

He doesn't accept
our silly little prejudices.

He's better than we are.

Garbage! He's a cheap
little drummer with some
cheap business on his mind.

No, Father, with me on his mind,

and a wonderful shining love.

Garbage!

Virgil.

Hello, Countess.

- He's waiting for you.
- Good. I'm ready myself.

- Now, don't be nervous.
- Look who's talking.

Hi!

Garbage.

What are you going to say?

I don't know, I'll do something.

I'll talk or play him a song
or stand on my hands.

If he doesn't like me,
maybe he'll like my associate.

He said 3 o'clock.

He's got a little cold,
but I hope he's in a good mood.

Come in.

Step inside and
bow from the waist

and don't straighten up
till he gives you the signal.

I got it. Come on, Buttons.
Keep your paws crossed.

I love you.

You took the words
right out of my mouth.

Who ever told me to
try these nasty fumes?

Thank you.

You're quite welcome, I'm sure.

And my whiskers.

Just as I thought.
Now, they smell.

You could always shave
them off, Your Majesty.

What was that?

Come here.

I think you'd look much
nicer without all that...

whipped cream.

An excellent idea.

They've bored me for
the last 40 years.

Thank you, Your Honour...
I mean, Your Majesty.

Only it cannot be done.

Why not, Your Majesty?

Young man, if I were to
shave off these whiskers,

Austria would be thrown
into a state of turmoil.

Think what it would do to our stamps,
our coins, our bank-notes.

I guess you're stuck, all right.

I'm glad you see my point.

Straighten up.

Who are you?

I'm the man who, uh...

Well, an appointment was made for me.
I was to be here at 3 o'clock

You are Mr Smith,
the American.

Yes, Your Majesty.

It's in connection with the Countess
Von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

Uh, what I want, Your Majesty...

Well, it's a hard for me to
explain exactly what I do want.

Exactly what you want is
the Countess Von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg.

Exactly.

How long have you
two known each other?

Three weeks, roughly speaking.

Not too roughly, I trust.

You love her, Mr Smith?

Yes, I do, Your Majesty. And she loves me.
I know it sounds crazy...

considering who she is
and where I come from,

way, way the other
side of the tracks.

It is somewhat unorthodox.

Should you marry Johanna,
what kind of life do you envision?

Do you intend to live
with her here in Vienna?

Move into her palace?
I should say not.

There's too many forks to
know which one to pick up.

I plan to take her home with me.

Home?

Which one of the United
States do you come from?

New Jersey. Newark, New Jersey.
My mother has a place there.

A place?
That is, uh... an estate?

No, it's a house.
Sort of a half house.

Two family deal.

Dr. Coleman lives in the other half.
He's a dentist.

Nice fellow. We belong
to the same bowling club.

You and Johanna will live
with your mother?

Oh, yes. Wouldn't want her
alone while 'm out on the road.

On the road?

Look, I could've come in here and thrown
a big bluff, being a rich Wall Street man...

just cruising around the world.

But actually, I don't have
a yacht to my name.

I'm just a traveling salesman and I earn
$22.50 a week or 4 percent commission.

Which isn't bad when you consider what
an up-and-coming product I handle.

That mechanical orchestra with which you
pursued me from Vienna to that forest?

I'm sorry about the stag.

Oh, I probably would
have missed him anyway.

I'm a very poor shot.
This machine...

Is it practical?
Is it, uh, really good?

Oh, that's the gosh darndest,
Jim-dandiest machi...

Listen, Your Majesty,
I didn't come here to sell that machine.

I came here to sell myself...

so you wouldn't think the Countess
was throwing herself away on a hoodlum.

You are not a hoodlum.
You are a businessman.

Yes, Your Majesty.

A good one, I'm sure:
quick, clever, enterprising.

Thank you,
Your Majesty.

If a good proposition
offered itself...

you wouldn't let it slip
through your fingers.

Oh, I should say not, sir.

Good. It so happens
I have one for you.

You have?

It's a very simple one.

Give up Johanna
and I will endorse that machine.

Come again?

I'm sure you heard what I said.

Look, you,
I love her!

That, Mr Smith,
is what I am counting on.

I'm not narrow-minded.

I could even forgive
him being an American...

if he belonged to one of those
Vander, Astor, or Rocker families.

But a Mr Smith!?

I love him.

- If you say that once more...
- I love him.

Garbage!

Father,
if you say that once more...

I've seen these things
happen before, Mr Smith.

I've seen them happen
over and over again.

There was a grandniece of mine
who ran away with a fencing master.

An archduchess who fell in love
with a tourist guide in Egypt.

Princes have eloped with soubrettes,
princesses with headwaiters.

And why not if they
loved each other?

Why not?

Let me tell you why not.

My grandniece and
her fencing master.

What happened?

A few beautiful months in Naples

and then she began to want
to go back to the life she left.

There's no going back.

Eventually, she threw herself
from the 5th story window of her hotel.

The archduchess with her tourist guide
had less luck, or less character.

She's living still... in a cheap
Viennese boarding house...

on sleeping pills and brandy
to forget where she came from.

Where she came from?

Because you're so much
better than we are?

I don't say
we are better.

As a matter of fact,
I think you are better.

You are simpler.
You are stronger.

Ultimately,
the world will be yours.

You bet it will!

What I'm trying to explain,
Mr Smith, is that...

we are different.

We are like snails living in
lovely twisted little shells.

Have you ever observed
a snail, Mr Smith?

They are
majestic creatures...

with small coronetted heads that peer
very proudly from their tiny castles.

They move with dignity.

I imagine they have a great
sense of their own importance.

But you take them from their shells,
and they die.

- That is us, Mr Smith.
- Aw, that's a lot of...

I know my class.

Take Johanna with you
and you destroy her.

Do you want to destroy
someone you love?

I don't want to and
I'm not going to!

I'm gonna make her happy.

One chance
in a million.

Bring that apparatus here.

I don't know whether
she mentioned it...

but there are two other offers
for Johanna's hand...

the Prince Baloshaza
and the Marques Lafuente.

- And they're both idiots.
- I agree.

No chance of
any wild love there.

But let's look ahead.

Picture Johanna
in the two-family house in Newark.

Oh, she may still love you.

And yet as she dries the dishes,
won't she think...

"Tonight, there is the gala opening
of the opera in Vienna.

"Last week should have
been at the races at Ascot

in the Royal enclosure.

I wonder how the season
is at Biarritz. "

She won't think that.

Because she has you?

That's right.

Are you enough,
Mr Smith?

Twenty-two fifty a week
with a four percent commission.

Play it,
please.

- Do you think I should go in?
- No, Father.

On hearing such a
fantastic proposal,

I wager His Majesty
fainted or had a stroke.

What's he playing
music for?

Because everything's
going so well.

Because His Majesty's
listened to him.

And that song...

Tricking an old man into a sentimental mood.
It's not fair.

It's yes, it's yes.

It's yes!

The Emperor's cracking up.
Heaven help our poor monarchy.

Oh, monarchy, monarchy.
Crowns, titles, crests.

Who cares, Father? Who cares?

Well, don't just stand there,
Virgil, what happened?

What does that mean?
Is it all right?

All right? It's great.

Oh, it's great.
Do you hear that?

What did His Majesty say?

Oh, exactly what I
wanted him to say.

Virgil!

I sure wanna thank
you, honey Countess,

both for myself and on
behalf of the company.

Oh, it's all so wonderful.
What company?

The phonograph company.
My bosses.

They better send you a
bathtub full of roses.

Me, why?

- I sold him a deal, didn't I?
- What deal?

I sold him the phonograph.

You sold him...

What's he talking about?

Hush, Father. Go on, please.

I knew I could sell him if
I could just get to him.

He's a wonderful old guy.
He fell for it like that.

He did?

Now it'll be a cinch.

Virgil H. Smith, by appointment
to His Majesty, Franz Joseph I.

Who made that appointment?

My little honey Countess.

My mind isn't as quick as yours.
Let's be quite clear about this.

It was that phonograph
from the very beginning?

Oh, come now, Countess.

What's a salesman after, first,
last and all the time? A sale.

Of course. And everything
that happened between us,

all those words,
those silly dreams,

that was all part of what you call...
a sales campaign?

I had a hunch you'd
be a little sore, but...

you couldn't have
taken it seriously.

A Countess and a drummer,
come on!

No, not really.
Only for a short time, perhaps,

which makes me very stupid,
or you a very good salesman, indeed.

The company thinks so. They send me
on all the tough assignments.

It wasn't so tough, was it?

This is what you get
for stooping so low.

You're right, Father.

The blood rushes to one's head
and one gets a little dizzy...

but I'm quite all right now.

- No hard feelings?
- No feelings at all.

It's so preposterous, it's funny.
It's nothing but funny.

You and that island and
that nasty little dog,

and my going
to the Emperor for you.

It's funny and it's asinine
and humiliating and a little disgusting,

but it's mostly funny.

Not so funny as me taking
a life-size countess to Newark.

- This is yours, I believe.
- So it is.

Come on, Buttons.

Good-bye, Countess.

His respectful regards
to Scheherazade.

I never suspected that even
garbage could be so cheap.

Don't you know us Americans?

Anything for a dollar.

Everything seemed so perfect with
that dreadful man out of her life.

Johanna engaged to
the Marques Lafuente.

Half a dozen castles.

Seven. The Lafuentes
have more of everything.

Most of their children
were born with 11 fingers.

And the poor American,
what happened to him?

Poor? What's poor about him?

He made a gigantic success selling those
machines by the thousands, the little worm.

Worm indeed.

By what possible right did he
come to the Emperor's Ball?

Oh, why can't he
leave Johanna alone?

What does he want from her now?

I wouldn't have broken
into that ballroom

if it wasn't a matter
of life and death.

Mr Smith,
I am not interested.

Countess, after this
you'll never see me again.

We're ready to go back home.

Only he'll never make it.

He'll never live to see America
again unless you help us.

No.

He's out there in a sleigh, all bundled up.
You ought to see him.

Poor little rack of bones.

Hasn't slept in I don't know how long.
Won't eat.

Just lies there with his eyes like a couple
of candles that are just about burned out.

I'm extremely sorry.

Last night he dragged
himself out of the hotel.

You know where I found him?

Down in front of your house.
I rang the bell.

One of your servants told me
Scheherazade was at the Palace.

She cannot be disturbed.

What are you trying to do?

You trying to take it out
on him for something I did?

Buttons isn't a businessman.

All Buttons did was
to lose his fool heart.

One doesn't die
of a lost heart, Mr Smith,

except in those syrupy songs
chambermaids play on your phonograph.

Aw, let him see her
just once more.

Give them one moment together
so the dog can breathe again.

You're not gonna let him die.

Let me go out to the
sleigh and get him.

Release my arm, Mr Smith.
I'm expected back in the ballroom.

I forgot the word, maybe.
Please.

Please.

- Johanna, where have you been?
- What is it, Father?

It's Scheherazade.
Word's just come from the stables.

The veterinary says any moment.

Well, aren't you coming
for the great event?

Of course, Father.

What are you doing here?

I thought I told you to wait
for me and stay covered up.

She isn't here and you
wouldn't want to see her.

Not anymore.
Take my word for it.

All right, you asked for it.

She took the other fellow after
all, that royal stuffed shirt.

Seems at this very moment she's
presenting him with a family.

Now, do you give up?

Here, Buttons.
Where are you going? Here!

Your Majesty.

Good evening, Dr. Zweiback.
Have they arrived yet?

Not quite yet, Your Majesty.

How is the patient?

Admirable. Temperature normal,
pulse full, soft and regular.

We have no apprehensions.

I warn you, Dr Zweiback, I expect
every care taken in the delivery.

They shall be ushered
into the world

with all the solicitude of
which my hands are capable.

Stop that nonsense.
Go back to your patient.

If Your Majesty will excuse me,
I feel that I should be with her now.

What shall we call
the little black things, Holania?

I've made a list
of a few dark names.

For the first born,
I should suggest Othello.

For the second,
perhaps Cafe Noir.

If he's very small,
Demi-tasse.

And if it's a female, Sheba.

Queen of Sheba, you know.
She was dark.

Simply inspired,
Your Majesty.

Hey, hey, Buttons.
Buttons.

Come on, Buttons, let's go home.

What do you got there?
What's the matter?

Quiet, darling.
How long, Dr Zweiback?

Not long at all, Countess.

Not an hour. Not a minute.
Not a second...

because, Hocus-pocus,
announcing the first arrival.

Your Majesty had promised
Rome to the Duke Von Bregens.

Oh, not definitely.

There's an interesting
possibility in the Hague.

How so?

The puppies
have arrived.

Well?
You've lost one of them?

No.

Are they deformed?
Have they got two heads?

- No.
- What is it?

Brace yourself,
Baron Holenia.

- No.
- Yes.

That blasted black Jezebel!

Father, please, don't. Not now.

Isn't there one of them that
hasn't got so much white?

That's all there is, Baron.

Cursed. Cursed.
She can't do this to me.

She seems to have done it,
Father.

Your Majesty would like to know
if there are any developments.

There are.

What is it, Holenia?

I was told to come here because
it would happen at any minute.

When will it happen?

It has happened, Your Majesty.

It has? How many?

Three, Your Majesty.

Three? Is that all?

It's not many but I dare say
it will have to do.

Where are my glasses?
I want to see them at once.

I don't think Your
Majesty should.

Why? Why shouldn't I see them?

Your Majesty,
great grief has befallen us.

The puppies...

- Come, come, come.
- It was beyond my control, Your Majesty.

The puppies
were born dead.

Dead?

One of those rare,
unpredictable occurrences.

The expected mother
must've had a fall.

Dead? All three of them?

Yes, Your Majesty.

Dead is such an ugly word.

We're bitterly sorry for Your
Majesty's disappointment.

How is Scheherazade?

She's recovering nicely,
thank you, Your Majesty.

Poor Louis.
It will be quite a blow.

In this our moment of sorrow,
may I venture to offer some consolation?

There will be other days.

She'll give us some puppies yet.

That's the way to look at it.

Come spring and we can count
on another litter.

The question is,
can I count on another spring?

If I may be permitted,
Your Majesty, it's almost 11:00.

What of it?

The ball, Your Majesty.
Your Majesty is to appear at 11:00.

His Majesty is in
no mood for a ball.

You're quite right.

I'm in the mood for a cemetery.

Let us proceed to the ball.

Baron Holenia.

The puppies.
What about the puppies?

Didn't you hear? They're dead.

They are?

They must be.
Dead, buried, forgotten.

See to it at once.
That's an order.

All right, Andreas.
You heard the orders.

Cover up the head.

Hi!

May I come in or is it
past visiting hours?

Who are you?
Get out of here!

Oh, aren't you
being a little rude?

This little gentlemen
is a very close relative.

Nobody's allowed in here.

Oh, well, he is.
Say hello to them.

Keep away from her.

Here, look out.
What are you doing?

Where are the pups?

Throw him out!

Wait a minute. Where are those pups?
What goes on here?

Orders have been given.

What orders?
What are you gonna do?

Get out of here!

Hold him.!

I flatter myself I handled
the puppy situation rather well.

Do you think it's ever
wise to lie to His Majesty?

The puppies are dead.
I gave orders.

Father!

You're not gonna kill 'em.
You're not gonna, understand?

I'm not gonna let you!

I don't care how many
of you there are.

It's probably a good thing
there are so many of you.

Maybe all of you can
scrape up decency

to lay off three little duffers
who've just begun to breathe!

There not pure enough
for you, huh?

Not quite your sort. Freaks!

Little mongrels
you wouldn't have around!

So what are you gonna do?

You're gonna shake 'em off that
great, big noble family tree...

and let them rot
as if nothing had happened!

What have you there,
Mr Smith?

Scheherazade's puppies,
and you know it!

Baron Holenia...?

It seemed wiser.
I didn't want to shock Your Majesty.

Bring them here,
Mr Smith.

And as my hearing is not impaired,
please do not shout at me.

Well, I wanted to get my two cents worth in,
before YOU started talking.

Last time, like a chump,
I kept my mouth shut, remember?

Are we discussing the Countess
Von Stolzenberg-Stolzenberg

or the contents of that basket?

Well, it amounts to the same thing.
Only now I know,

with your very kind permission,
that you were full of cracked ice!

Or maybe I was to fall for it and walk out
and make a heel out of myself!

Virgil, will you say that again, please,
slowly and plainly and simply?

Not now, honey Countess.

Your Majesty,
was it me that you made him give up?

Yes, Johanna, yes.

We both agreed that with him, you had
only one chance in a million to be happy.

Your Majesty thinks
that I am happy?

Isn't one chance in a million
better than no chance?

My dear, you're much too
pretty for mathematics.

They're all boys.

That's right.
Boys run in Buttons' family.

This tiny one has a
bite like a nutcracker.

They're sweet, Your Majesty.

They'll be the strongest,
the smartest, the funniest...

And between Buttons and me,

we'll bring 'em up right
when we get 'em back home.

- Can I have 'em back now, sir?
- You cannot.

Why should you have Buttons, Johanna,
Scheherazade and the puppies?

Maybe we could leave one.

The one who's so attached
to His Majesty's finger.

Sounds like a good deal.

I'd even be willing
to withdraw the cracked ice crack.

I'm keeping them all.

Now leave me alone.
Go on, dance, all of you.

Your Majesty, if I may...

You may not, Holenia.
I will talk to you later.

Putzi, how do I
look to you now?

I think the word is ravishing.

Shall we dance?

Love is a dream

Yet it's so real

Hard to explain

Just how you feel

Deep in your heart

Joy seems to dwell

Like poets say

It's perfectly swell

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