The Emotion Detection Automation (2017) - full transcript

What's going on with
that woman you're dating?

I broke up with her.

Why?

She said she didn't
want to see me anymore

and I found that insulting.

I thought things were
going well. What happened?

I don't know, she didn't
even give me a reason.

Oh, not a problem, we
can figure this out.

What are the reasons
women reject Raj?

Can we not play this game?

Doesn't like games. That's one.



Ignore him.

Yeah, sorry about
the breakup.

That's okay, I'm fine.

Of course you're fine.

Not every member
of a species finds a mate.

Sir Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Look at the
contributions he made.

I'm not a virgin, Sheldon.

Wha... So now you think you're
better than Isaac Newton? Oh.

No wonder women
don't like you.

You're not being very nice.

What? He said he was fine.

Sometimes people
say things they don't mean.

Oh, that's a paradox.



I-If you meant
what you just said,

then that means you may not
have meant what you just said.

Careful, I saw
this on Star Trek.

Smoke's gonna come
out of his ears soon.

Hey.
Hey, boys. How's it going?

Well, I thought we were having
a nice conversation,

but it turns out,
I was being offensive.

So, normal.
Yeah--

Sheldon, what did you do?

We were discussing
Raj's recent breakup

and apparently,
I was insensitive to him.

It's okay, I'm fine.

You Di--
Don't fall for it.

He'll get you to compare him
to a dead virgin,

and suddenly you're the bad guy.

Sheldon, when I said I was fine,

I meant I didn't want
to talk about it anymore.

Then why didn't you say that?

Because that's not
what people do.

Well, I would prefer
if people told me

exactly what is
on their mind.

No. No, you don't,
you really don't.

I actually can't
say "don't" enough.

Well, it certainly
would be easier.

You have no idea what it's like

to struggle
with recognizing emotional cues.

I'm sure it's
extremely frustrating.

Thank you.
And also a little sad.

O-Okay, now you're just
showing off.

You know, I just read
that a team at MIT.

developed a device that helps
people read human emotions.

And you think we can get those
guys to reprogram Sheldon? Cool.

It's supposed to be accurate,
like, 85% of the time.

Wow, I find that
hard to believe.

That a bunch of
awkward scientists

with no social skills
would invent a machine

to do it for them?

I take it back.
I believe it.

You ift's at MIT,
I can make some calls.

Maybe we can
get Sheldon a prototype.

What do you think?

A machine that reads
emotions is intriguing.

It could help me be a
more considerate friend.

Wouldn't that be nice.

It could also help me
identify my enemies,

discover their
fears and then...

I could use those
fears to destroy them.

I like the first one.

? Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ?

? Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ?

? The Earth began to cool ?

? The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ?

? We built the Wall ?
? We built the pyramids ?

? Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ?

? That all started
with a big bang ?

? Bang! ?

? The Big Bang Theory 10x14 ?
The Emotion Detection Automation
Original

Now that Sheldon's
across the hall,

have you decided what
you're doing with his old room?

I was thinking maybe a
library or a gaming room.

You could make it a train room.

I don't like trains.
You like trains.

I know, and Amy says
I can't have a train room.

Sheldon, I just heard
from the guys at MIT

about that emotion reader;
they're sending a prototype

for you to beta test.

Wonderful.

Although I'm not sure
how I feel

about being used
as a guinea pig.

Well, when you get
the machine, you can find out.

Maybe I could use it

to understand why
women keep dumping me.

Oh, you don't need a machine for
that, just send a survey card

to all your ex-girlfriends
and tell them

if they fill it out
they might win a prize.

That's actually not a bad idea.
Maybe I could even

get them all together,
sort of like a... a focus group,

to find out
what's wrong with me.

No, Raj,
that's a terrible idea.

Yeah, I was joking.

You... Really?

Uh, little tip: jokes
are often better

when you end them with "Wocka
Wocka" or "ha-cha-cha."

Hey, great news. The
TV I want will fit

in the gaming room, and if
I leave the curtains open,

I can watch it from work.

Hey, can you hold off
redoing the room?

My brother's
coming out here in a few weeks.

Oh. Yeah. Okay, sure. What's
going on with your brother?

My dad asked if I can get him
a job interview at my work.

Huh. Is that a good idea?

I mean, you think
they'll consider someone

who was in prison
for selling drugs?

Well, I sell pharmaceuticals.

That's just a really hard
to spell word for drugs.

Well, I'm sure he'll appreciate

carrying his samples in a
briefcase instead of his colon.

How long do you think
he'll stay?

I-I'm not sure.
Maybe a few days.

Unless he gets the job,
then who knows?

Hmm. "Who knows?"
That's exciting.

I'll get to wake up
every morning

and see if he's still here.

You don't have a problem
with this, do you?

Of course not. I mean,
he's your brother.

Okay. Thank you,
you're the best. Mm.

Remember that when the
new TV falls off the wall

and crushes us both.

This thing's pretty cool.

It interprets emotions

using a wireless signal
to analyze subtle changes

in breathing and heart rate.

It's amazing a machine
can do that.

Yes.

Now, when the robots rise up,

they'll know that
I've been rooting

for them the whole time.

The display is synced
to your phone.

Give it a try.

All right.

Now, I'm gonna look
at some pictures

to prompt an emotional response,
and we'll see

if the machine
can identify them accurately.

Okay, remember,
it can only detect happy, sad,

angry and excited.

Not other things
you're feeling, like,

"What have I done
with my life?"

Okay, I'm looking
at the first picture.

You are...

happy?

Yes. I'm looking at puppies.

Aw. Somebody's ignoring
their tiny needle teeth,

but all right.

Try another one.
Okay.

What does it say I'm feeling?

Sad.

Yes. I'm looking
at a picture of my grandma.

Oh, that makes sense, 'cause
she's gone and you miss her.

Yes.

And you're worried that
turkey neck is in your future.

What, now, see...
Now it says you're mad.

Make up your mind.

Okay, Emily.

Yeah, sounds great.

See you then.

Is that Emily
your ex-girlfriend?

Yeah. I'm getting
all my exes

together in order to discuss

why they broke up with me

and how I can be
a better boyfriend.

Oh, God. You went
through with that?

What is wrong with you?

We are going to find out.

Why would you
do that, Raj?

Well, I want information
in order to improve myself.

You're not gonna get
information,

you're just gonna get criticism
that hurts your feelings.

Don't worry, I'm a grown man.

I have a thick skin.

You're so stupid.

Hey!

Hey, would you take a look
at my brother's r?sum??

I'm trying to help
him clean it up a little.

Yeah, sure.

He really worked with
the Drug Enforcement Agency?

He didn't know it
till he was cuffed, but yeah.

Hey, Leonard, if you're happy
and you know it,

no need to clap your hands,

because I have
an emotion detector.

How's it working out?

Surprisingly well.

That's great, I'm happy for you.

No, wait, uh, hold on.

Oh, what, you are.
Aren't you sweet?

What's that? Are you working
on your resume?

No, it's my brother's.
I'm trying

to help him get a job out here.

Oh, ooh! And that makes
Leonard angry.

No, it doesn't.

What, Leonard, please. I know
an angry face when I see it.

It's this red frowny guy
on my phone.

What? Are you really upset
about Randall coming?

No.
Yes.

I said no.
I-It's like you're twins.

Leonard, if you're mad
about this, just tell me.

Fine.

You invited your drug dealer
brother to stay with us

for God knows how long and
didn't bother to ask me first.

He's my brother!

I didn't think
I needed your permission.

Well, hey.
Now she's angry, too.

This thing works
like gangbusters.

I'm not saying you have
to ask my permission,

but you could have talked
to me about it

before you said it was okay.

Like you talked to me
about your gaming room?

Our gaming room!

I was gonna put
a scented candle in it.

He's still mad.

Stop enjoying their fight.

You first.

If you were this upset,

why didn't you say so
when I told you?

Because I didn't want
to sound like a jerk.

Well, you sound like one now.
I don't see the big deal

if my brother comes
and stays for a while.

If you get him a job,
he's gonna live here forever!

He would get his own place.

Has he ever had his own place?

Yes!

Did it have a metal toilet

next to the bed?

It still counts.

You know, how is this
any different

from you making me
live with Sheldon?

You... Hey!

I shared my Honey Nut
Cheerios with you.

You gave me a bill
at the end of every month.

Stay out of this.

You and your stupid machine
started this fight!

You are lucky
that this feelings machine

doesn't have feelings.

Come on, Sheldon,
let's go.

Gladly.
Can we storm out?

I think it loses its impact
if we're chatting about it.

Fine.

I'll just give them the finger.

Okay, first off,

I want to thank you all
so much for coming.

Howard is here to
interpret for Emily,

and to take notes.

No, he doesn't
think it's stupid.

Uh, heads up, both of
you are named Emily,

so we'll call you

"red-headed Emily"

and you,

"red-headed Emily, Junior."

Hey, you went out
with him. I didn't.

Okay, uh, let's get
things started.

Um, why don't we go
around the room,

say your name,

and why you broke up with me.

Want to kick it off?

Oh, okay. Um... I'm Lucy,

and I broke up with Raj

because I have
severe social anxiety,

and he kept trying
to force me

into uncomfortable situations.

Like this one?

Yeah.

I did do that.

I can be insensitive
to other people's boundaries.

Howard, would you
write that down?

Oh... schmuck. Got it.

Uh, next?

Okay. Um...

I'm Claire.

And I guess
I broke up with you

because you were just
really needy.

Also, you were

incredibly vain--
like, all the time you spent

shaping your eyebrows...

Okay, new rule--
everybody only gets one.

Uh, next?

Ooh, I'm not sure
I'm comfortable

sharing details about our
relationship in front of Howard.

Oh. He's here to support me,
so anything you have to say

you can say in
front of him.

Okay. Well, whenever
you and I were in bed...

Howard, get out.

Not a chance.

So, you were telling us
how Raj was terrible in bed.

Sheldon, dinner's ready.

I made beef loaf, because
I know you're uncomfortable

with the non-specificity
of meat loaf.

Sheldon?

Hey, are you okay?

Not really.

What's going on?

I wish I never tried
that device.

And I know I said

the same thing
after the massage chair,

but this time I mean it.

I'm sorry Leonard and Penny

hurt your feelings.

It's more than that.

It's me.

I always knew

I had trouble recognizing
other people's emotions,

but that machine
just made it so real.

Well, everybody has things

that they need help with.

Like me-- I can't see
without my glasses.

And right now you're just a,
a cute, pink smudge wearing

a childish green smudge.

I thought I was getting better
at it, but clearly I'm not.

Yes, you are.

There have definitely been days

when I was sad
and you could tell.

Yeah, but that's
shooting fish in a barrel.

You're kind of a sad sack.

I'm sorry,
I shouldn't have said that.

I'm just upset.

No, see, right there,

you knew you hurt my feelings.

And I'm proud of you--

for reasons I'm sure have
something to do with my father.

And if you don't like

that machine, get rid of it.

Because I love you
exactly the way you are.

I feel the same way about you.

Now, put your glasses back on.

You look weird.

I thought you
were great,

but, oh, my God,
you were

so dominated
by your parents.

Oh, yeah, and that used

to drive me nuts.

He's kind of
a mama's boy.

- Kind of?
- Whoa, okay!

That's enough.

Write down "loving son."

Can I just say something?

Going out with Raj

was one of the best things
that ever happened to me.

Yes, I'll take you back.

Let me finish.

It's like I needed
to go through that experience

to know what exactly
I don't want in a man.

Well, that's hard to hear,
but I'll still take you back.

You know, the same
thing happened to me.

After I broke up
with Raj, I met Gary,

who's just amazing.

Sorry, is that "Gary"
with one R or two?

Would you stop writing?!

Just wait. So...
did all of you

go on to better
relationships after me?

Oh, yeah.

Without question.

Little before, actually.

Oh, wow.

Don't let him get away.

Wait.

What did she say?

Uh, basically,
she traded you

for Bruce Wayne.

Okay, maybe we
should just end this.

Wait, hang on.

I just want to point out
to everyone here,

this is a man who
is going to great lengths

to better himself.

Even at the
risk of...

being humiliated.

And I, for one,
think that's very brave.

Thank you, Howard.

Honestly, I'm surprised
you two didn't wind up together.

Well, like you gals,
I had to suffer through him

to find Bernadette.

With it were you.

Yes?

We owe you an apology.

Oh, it's fine.
You needed a suitcase,

I wasn't home,
you borrowed a suitcase.

That was six years ago.
I'm talking about tonight.

Oh.

Well, I thought
we were going in order.

Look, we got really angry
at each other, and you

just got caught in
the middle of it.

And...

sorry about the suitcase.

Yeah, well, you should be.

Your socks were still in it.

I had to throw it away.

Anyway,

I, uh, trust that you've
resolved your conflict.

Yes, we're fine.

Mm, Penny's gonna call her dad
and tell him it's not

a good time
for Randall to visit.

Hopefully, he won't
be too upset.

Oh, you're his little girl--
he can't stay mad at you.

He won't be mad at me.
I mean, you're the one

who doesn't want my
brother to come, so...

So you're gonna throw me
under the bus?

Oh, I'm gonna
throw you so hard,

I might actually win
a stuffed animal.

Uh, guys, it sounds like
you're getting angry again.

That's because we are.

Yes!

I don't need
an emotion machine!

I am one!

Thanks, ladies!
This was fun!

Let's not wait so long for
another bizarre, awkward night.

Well, that was a waste of time.

I'm such an idiot.

Don't beat yourself up.

That's what I'm here for.

Maybe I won't settle down.

Maybe I'll just
play the field.

Yeah, the field
was just here.

The field said no.

Dude, come on.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

I'll make you a deal.

30 years from now,
if you're still single

and things don't work out
with me and Bernadette...

you and I can give it a go.

I appreciate the offer,
but if things don't work out

with you two, I'm swooping in
on her like a vulture.

Too late.
Stuart called dibs.

But theoretically,
if you and I

were in a gay relationship,

how would we tell people?

Like, print up announcements?

I don't know.
What difference does it make?

Well, I want to make sure we
get invited to all the parades.

Those do look fun.

Yeah. Well, if you want
to march in a fishnet crop top,

you better lay off
that dip.

If you didn't want me to eat it,

why'd you put it out?
It was for the girls.

They broke up with me--
I don't care if they get fat.

I'm not gonna get fat.

Oh, you want to bet?
You never exercise.

Fine. Look, I'll
exercise right now.

One...

two...

These are crunches, by the way.

Very mature.

Keep eating like that.

You're gonna have
a heart attack.

Okay. How about
if I eat like this?

Mmm...

You're such a child.

Hey, is that any way to talk
to your future husband?

Hey, I was being
hypothetical, okay?

I would never marry you.
Please.

When you see the ring I pick
out, you're gonna melt.

Yeah, right.

Wait, is it rose gold?

Actually, don't tell me.
I want to be surprised.

So, did you wind up sending
that machine back?

I did. You know, I'm not
even sure how accurate it was.

I took it to the train store--
it said everyone was sad.

I finally
got Halley to sleep.

You know, I just read
a study that suggests

new mothers are better
at sensing emotions

for up to two years.

It's true.

Pregnancy causes
physiological changes

in the brain that result
in increased empathy.

all we need to do
is get Sheldon knocked up.

We can't. He was already fixed
when I found him at the shelter.

Hey, uh, Bernadette,
let's test this theory.

What do you think
I'm feeling right now?

Let's see.

You're better than us,
a little bit sorry for us,

but mostly glad
you don't have to be us.

Keep filling this one
with babies. She's good.