The Donor Party (2023) - full transcript

Jaclyn wants a baby. But after a messy divorce and fruitless years of online dating, she realizes she doesn't need a husband to become a mother. She and her best friends hatch a plan to get her pregnant at a very special party.

♪ Woke up every day ♪

♪ And I can feel
it's always here ♪

♪ Like gravity around myself
to give me strength ♪

♪ It's a world I'd hope ♪

♪ All begin with hope ♪

Oh! Sorry. Todd?

-Jaclyn.
-Hi. Hi-- uh, wow, look at you!

And that-- all of that.
What are you doing here?

I mean, it's f--
funny seeing you here.

I-- I thought you
had an apartment downtown.

Uh-- uh, we-- we bought a
house around the corner.



For the schools.

Uh, you remember Gia, don't you?

Uh, yeah, last time I saw her,

her face was kinda covered
by your crotch.

I heard you got married.
Congratulations.

Thank you.

Oh, that's sweet of you to say.

Thank you. Yeah, I'm a dad!

Yeah! Yeah, how'd that happen?

I mean,
I know how that happened.

Just you always said
you didn't want babies

when we were married.

Yeah.
Oh, turns out uh, I was wrong.

Kids are great.



He's a great dad.

Really happy for you guys.

Thank you. Uh, I couldn't be--
well, we--

We couldn't be happier,
you know?

I'm living my best life.

Yeah, me, too.

Yeah. Alright.

Well, um, we should get going.

-Okay.
-Gotta get this in the ground.

-Yeah, yeah.
-You know? But it was really--

-Dig it deep.
-It was great to--

-Oh, I--
-You know? Come on.

Let's not smother the--

Really great.

Yeah.

So great to see you.

Can I help you?

Hi. Uh, yeah. Um, the--
I have a-- there's a--

I have this plant.

Um, uh, I--
it's a dwarf tangerine

and I-- I bought it here
a year ago, and it--

It's grown some, it just--
it doesn't grow any fruit.

And I've tried everything,
even like a citrus stake.

I think it's growing great!

these leaves are gorgeous
and lush.

But you see this?
Something happened to it.

Disease? Trauma?

Is it gonna die?

No, no, it'll keep growing,
but it'll never bear fruit.

That was supposed to be me,
you know?

- Yeah.
- He said, "Kids will change us.

-And I love us."
-Men ain't shit.

I thought he would change
when you had kids and--

Or my brother had kids,

and when his cousins had kids,

and I waited, and I waited,
and then--

he just didn't wanna have kids
with me!

I know. And this is probably
the wrong time to say,

"I told you so," but, honey,
I've literally been telling you

the exact same thing
for 15 years.

I wasted all my good eggs
on that asshole.

And now,
I'm never gonna be a mom!

- No. Yes.
- I'm never gonna be a mom!

Yes, you are.

You just--
you have to get back out there.

I am out there!

And it's like
every good guy is married

or they don't wanna have kids.

Or-- or-- the older guys,
they already have kids

and don't wanna have any more.

Or the young guys,
they just wanna fuck a MILF.

But I'm not even a MILF,
I'm just an ILF!

I just--

I just wanna
skip the dating part

and get to the mom part.
I just--

No.
No, don't skip the dating part.

The dating part is where
all the good fun sex happens.

You know, when you--
when you get to the mom part,

it's just you know,
scheduled sex once a week

and the foreplay is
like he brushes his teeth.

That's me.

My mom was the best
and she made me feel

like I could do anything.

And like I was exactly perfect
just the way I was.

I wanna do that
for a little one.

I wanna be that mom
for somebody.

I don't know
why you're trippin'.

You don't need a husband
to have a baby.

No, that's true.
You can totally adopt!

Oh, although adoption
is not cheap.

I have friends who did it
and it's like--

It's like 40 grand
all said and done.

Oh,fuck me!

I wasn't talkin' about adoption.

Artificial insemination
is worse.

Mike and Lydia, they went
through six IVF treatments

at 25 grand a pop.

Well, fuck me!

You don't have to buy it.
Just go and get some.

What? Where are you getting?

What?

You know, get some.

Mm. Mm, mm, mm.

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

-Oh.
-That's called "stealing sperm".

It's not stealing
if they freely give it away.

-Uh.
-Condoms break.

Accidents happen.

Especially if you plan 'em.

No, that insane.
You can't do that.

You can't just--

Although, I mean, if there--

No. It's just-- it's wrong.
Is it-- is it wrong?

I mean-- I mean, it could work.

-Right.
-It could work.

What's happening right now?

-I kinda think you're the devil.
-Mm.

But it is
not the worst idea ever.

If you're talking about what
I think you're talking about,

then it is the worst idea.

-It's the best worst idea.
-Oh!

How will he ever find out?

You know, I'm not going to call
him to tell him.

You guys aren't going to
call him and tell him.

I'm not calling him.

I mean, most guys
ghost me anyway.

And this time,
I want him to ghost me.

And he gets to have sex with
you and you get a baby.

Win-win.
Waa-waa.

Okay, I think you guys
are forgetting something.

Right, um-um.

What if the sperm is slow
or he's shooting blanks?

Huh, we'll have a back up.

I'm thinking two, maybe three.

We gotta flood the fallopian
tubes when the egg drops.

Yeah, yeah.

You're-- you're talking
about an orgy?

It's like having three one-night
stands in the same night.

Okay.

Oh my god. No.
No, I can't do this.

This is crazy.

I don't want to just fuck
some rando to get a baby.

That's why I can't go to the
sperm bank in the first place.

Besides from the fact
that it will bankrupt me.

I want to know that the father
of my child is a good person.

- Right? Yeah.
- You know? Like a kind person.

Ideally artistic and intelligent
and good sense of humor.

Argh, who the fuck
am I kidding?

I'll just freeze my eggs
until I find Mr. Right.

Idea.
What if we found them for you?

Is there nuts in that?

Huh, I don't know.

I can put nuts in it for you.
Would you like that?

I can put nuts anywhere
you'd like.

Okay, babe, shut it down.
We have guests.

Alright, but mom has the kids
so we will have time

for your special
birthday treat later.

Don't get too fucked up.

I won't. I have an idea though.

What if we just send
all these jokers home

and we have later now?
How about that?

All of our best friends,
you mean those jokers?

Well, what about her?
What about that joker?

I don't know her.
Who is she?

That's Jackie's friend
from work.

-Oh, the lesbian.
-Yes.

Yeah. Why is she here?

She's Jackie's plus one.

Oh, okay. Oh! Are they-?

No. What? Just-

Well, why-- why is Jackie
coming?

Because she is like family.

Is she like family though?

I don't know. Maybe I just had
it in my head

that we were going to take a
Jackie break after thanksgiving.

Alright, she had just found out
that Todd was getting remarried.

-I know.
-Just found out.

Believe me.
I was sympathetic

with all the crying and the
carrying on.

But did she have to teach
our six-year-old about blowjobs?

-She did-
-All about blowjobs?

She didn't hear the whole thing.

-Soup to nuts.
-She didn't- No, no.

Yes.
Maybe the soup
but not the nuts.

That's not even our job
to do that.

-Alright, you know what?
-It's the internet's job.

You will barely know
that she is here.

Okay.

I can do this.

It's just casual sex.

I can do that.

I can totally do that.

The table looks great.

Wait, why are the desserts
out already?

Do you guys have
everything you need?

Yes, we do honey. Thank you.

-Hi.
-Hey, whose playlist is this?

These are Geoff's
favorite songs.

Oh god.

- Nope, can't do it.
- No, Jaclyn.

No, stop, stop, stop, stop.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

On paper,
this all sounded great.

But now that I'm actually here,
I can't. I can't do it.

Okay, well, just listen.
I will 100% agree.

But please don't leave me here.

I- If I have to have one more
conversation about IPOs,

I will murder someone.

Hold on, what's going on?

She's reconsidering.

No, no, no.
You cannot back out.

Yes, I can.
Because this is crazy.

Yes, it is crazy.

Like Uber Eats
and Standing Desk.

But crazy can be genius.
Great dress.

Yeah.
You don't think it's too much?

-It's very good. Oh.
-It's gonna get the job done.

No, ah!
Huh, I was gonna return it.

Oh, oops. I'm sorry.

$450?

See?
That's what I'm talking about.

This dress is not me.

Sleeping with three guys
is not me.

Okay, it is not you.
That's clear.

Now, is this how you wanna have
a kid? No.

But is this the only option?
Yes.

Okay? We did our part.
You gotta do your part.

You promise that there's no way
they can find me afterwards.

No, you just need to make sure
that no one figures out

what you're doing tonight.

Because I will 100%
throw you under the bus

if Geoff finds out
that I was part- Hi.

-Hey.
-Oh, hey.

Jackie, good to see you again.

Yeah, you too. Happy birthday.
It's a book.

Could've sworn it was a canoe.

It's signed to you.

Oh, wow. Thank you.

Oh, and isn't it lint?

I mean, didn't you give up
refined sugar last year?

I thought you did. What are
you giving up this year?

I'm just giving up.

-Okay.
-He's literally just turning 45.

- I know, right?
- Thank you so much.

I mean,
what's the matter with me?

Doom and gloom here.
Here, let me take this.

Here, you put this up.

Oh my gosh.
Yes, I would love to.

It'd be my pleasure.

Is he okay?

He's fine.

None of the men in his family
lived past 88.

So, now he thinks
he's in a downfall spiral.

I thought you said this was
gonna be a big shin dick.

Yeah, well, it turns out

Geoff doesn't have enough
friends to make it

a shin dicks.

Well, someone's gonna notice.

Too late for that now

because donor number one
is ready to play.

So, are you ready?

Well, my ovulation app says it's
go time.

Go on then. Seize the day.

♪ Come to me ♪

♪ Just bring your mouth ♪

♪ closer to my-- ♪

Hi.

Oh.

Hi.

- Hi.
- I'm MJ. What's going on?

Did you know this was
a birthday party?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

Oh, okay.

I kind of really don't know
why I'm here.

I'm not even that good friends
with Amandine

or at all, actually.

Well, you can I can be friends.

Wow, thank you.

Friends with benefits,
if you want.

- Okay.
- Um, so MJ, huh,

that's not
short for Maryjane, is it?

No, no. I wish.

Actually, no. I don't wish that
my name was Maryjane.

-No.
-No.

And my MJ is for
Morris Jerusalem.

Morris is my mother's
grandfather's name.

And Jerusalem is the city
where I was conceived.

-Oh, that's nice.
-I often say,

well, thank goodness that I
wasn't conceived in Frankfurt

because then I'd be quite an MF.

-Guys.
-Hi.

You want to try some of this?
It's pretty good.

Oh, no, thank you.
I'm taking an Uber later.

And I like to be of sound mind
when I'm

-in a car with a stranger.
-Oh.

Okay, well, you have got
to try this.

- It's a Syrah.
- Okay.

Give it a shot.
Tell me what you think.

- Mm. Wow.
- Not bad, right?

-Yeah.
-Almost makes up for the fact

that they call it Syrah Syrah.
Ugh.

My ex-wife was the regional
sales manager for the state.

Um, she ran off with the
sommally--

the sommally- the fucking wine
guy.

She ran off with the wine guy.

Ah, got you.

- Yeah.
- Should I spit it out?

Would you please?
It would make me feel so good.

- I'm Armin by the way.
- Hi.

Hey. You're Molly's friend?

The one who works for Jennifer
Aniston's charity, right?

Oh, I actually did
the Standee for you guys.

Yeah, my company-
Hey, my company works--

we actually make those
cardboard standees

that, you know, you can sit on
star's lab in a movie lobby?

-Yeah.
-That's cool.

Yeah. So, wait.

So you know Amandine as well?

Uh, she's just a work friend.

I mean, you know, she wouldn't
know where I live

or anything like that.

Actually, I don't even
work there anymore.

I'm moving away to
another city far away.

Wow. So, Jen is more "Horrible
bosses"

than Rachel in real life. Noted.

No, no, no. She's great.

It's just I needed a challenge.

Wanted to mix things up a bit,
so...

You know what? I think that is
so healthy to shift gears.

Geoff and I- Well actually,
most of the guys here,

we had a start up.

Not like Amazon or anything.

But once I got big enough,
I had to sell it.

Now, I can kind of do whatever
I want. It's pretty cool.

- Yeah. That's nice.
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's really cool.

I actually put money
into GameStop as well.

I don't know,
well, and I made $3700.

- Oh wow.
- Nice, buddy.

- Yeah, thanks.
- It's pretty good.

So, it's like, saying--

Now I got a lot of free time,
get to travel.

Which I love so much. I was
working so much before.

Right, I guess.

Takes a minute to start up.

Oh yeah. I mean, all I did was
code, code, code

and pound energy drinks.

Wow.

That's why I'm trying
to see as much as the world-

I'm so sorry.
It's just my

mom broke her hip.

- Oh my god.
- Oh my god.

I'm just dealing with
my brothers.

We're trying to figure out if
we should put her in our home.

Oh, let me know
if you need any help or-

Nope, done. Done.

-Oh, great.
-I'm sorry, you were saying?

Love to travel.

-I have a lot of time.
-I'm scared of planes.

To do that. But um-

She's gonna bail.

Well, it sounded to me

like you didn't want her
to go through with it.

It's not true.

But do you know how hard it is
to find a single man

who is disease free in the
suburbs? I just-

I don't want to disappoint them.

It is possible that I may
have told them

that I have a friend
in need of a-

Like, a confidence boost.

So you're more worried about

your guys friends being
happy than your best friend?

Okay, well call it
a win-win situation.

I mean, what's so wrong
with having a plan B?

Oh, I've got a plan B.

I've got a plan C.

Because the plan is
to get her the D.

What is it?

- What is that?
- It's molly.

I don't-

MDMA.

-I don't under-
-E.

I don't know what you're saying.

Ecst- Ecstasy.

-I know that one.
-Ecstasy, yes.

Just enough to prime the pump.

Okay.

Oh, donor number three.

The French teacher
whose wife just died.

Okay.

My friend getting
pregnant tonight.

Top me off, will you?

Oh god, I thought
you were the caterer.

I am so sorry.

Behind the table, cool outfit.

I can take it off.

Okay.

More, more.

I like this one.

It's floral and complex
and yeasty.

Like a vagina?

I get a slightly different note.

It's got a really good
mouth fill.

I could decant it for you.

Let it breathe.

Amadine.

Barbara.

That's a beautiful name.

Not my name. I hate my name.

I'll tell you what. How about
you give me your number

and I'll call you whatever
or whenever you want.

Balls.

Yo, Goeff. Can I grab you for
two, buddy?

-Hi.
-Hey, what's up?

What's up?

Were you just
hitting on my sister?

Is that a real question?

Right, right.

Umm, it's just that she's
been through

a really ugly
divorce recently. So...

So, you want me
to sleep with your sister?

That's sweet of you.

No. No, no.

No, I'm just- I'm worried.

I mean, you know,
she's very-

she's not a lesbian.

Are you sure? Because, you know-

Would you mind
not hitting on my sister

at my birthday party please?

I would mind.

But I won't.

It will be my present to you.

Wow, thank you so much.

- Happy birthday.
- Yeah, I'll treasure it.

- You should.
- Have a great time.

- You too.
- Not too great.

Oh, shit. Oh shit.

-Oh shit.
-No one told me about this.

There's just no good-
you know what?

Every 10 minutes
I have to go.

Sweetheart, you can get lasers.

It'll zip that right back up.

Yeah, it's called
a mommy makeover.

They stick a laser up there
and just tighten it all up.

It went from Basset Hound
to Chihuahua. Worth every penny.

Oh!

- Wow.
- Stop.

You know it's true.

You got kids?

-No.
-Husband?

Not anymore.

You should keep your distance.

You might get baby fever.

I'm not kidding.
Happened to me.

All my friends
started having kids.

I thought I should have kids.

All these friends,

they're gonna be gone
once she pops a baby out.

She'll make new friends.

The kids' friend's parents.

And she'll think
she has new "interests."

But they're really
the kids' interests.

And when the kids graduate,
poof, gone so.

All these people she
invested all her time with,

she'll realize she has
nothing in common with them.

And then she'll realize
that her husband

is staying too late at work.

So, she'll shoot her
face fill with Botox,

get a boob job.

Get a mommy makeover?

Exactly.

To chase what she
used to look like.

before the kids literally
suck the life out of her.

Instead, she'll just look like
she's trying too hard.

And he'll leave her for
an actual 20-year-old.

Who loves giving blowjobs?

Fucking blowjobs.

All because she thought
it'd make her life complete

-to have a baby.
-Oh, no, no.

That's got Molly's
lipstick on it.

-I think this is your shade.
-Thank you.

I mean, you don't regret
having babies, right?

Oh, no. God, no.

They're the loves of my life.

As much as I hate my ex,
I'll always be grateful to him

for giving me my babies.

Listen to me,
don't listen to me.

I just need to get laid.

Okay.
We get what you wish for.

On that note,
I think I'm ready.

- Alright.
- Do you snorkle?

No, I never get into the ocean.

Oh god, what do I say?

Tell him how wet your pussy is.
They love that.

I hate that word.

Pussy?

Yeah.

What do you say?

I don't.

So, when you told Todd to like-

Oh, we didn't talk during-

Or before.

Or after.

Oh God.

Okay, so tonight,

you're gonna say
some nasty pornstar shit.

Just get disgusting.

Yeah, but that's not me.

I know that's not you.
But tonight, you're not you.

Okay? You're not the NPR-loving,
farmer's market going,

avocado toast eating Jaclyn.

You're gonna be
something different.

You're the Onlyfans, like
Jacklina.

You're gonna be
a slut tonight, okay?

Yeah, okay. Okay.

You're a slut.

-Well, huh.
-Slut. Slut

- Really?
- Yeah.

You've never been to
swimming?
Hey. Hey. Hi.

Oh.

You like surfing?

Huh, no, I would never surf.

So, you'd never- you just-- you
never do it?

No, I'm scared of sharks.

There is great white sharks
that you should be scared of.

But they're east coast, man.

All the west coast sharks
are white sharks.

I got you, girl.

Cuddly nice sharks.

You gotta get out there.

Geoff is over there.

Geoff?I'm Shopia.

Excuse me.

Okay. Am I in trouble?

No.

Ugh, God, I need a drink.

Your glass is right there,
just--

Oh no, molly.

Molly, that's Molly in there.

You drank it all.

That's all of it.

It's gone.

It's in your body now.

-Okay.
-Okay, wow.

-Let's just-
-What?

Wow, wow.

Don't need those.

-Right, um.
-Yeah, so.

-Oh.
-Wow, wow.

Wow, that is-

That is so tone.

Oh, thank you.

You do pilates?

I do, yeah.

I can tell, I can tell.

You can touch it
if you want.

I would. I want.

Okay.

Alright.

Okay, you're sure that
you want me to do this?

I think I couldn't be
more clear.

Yeah, I do.

I do want you to do this.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Okay. Great. I'll be over here.

Okay.

Oh, wait, I don't have
a condom or anything.

Oh, ah!

You know, I don't want to
assume
when I go out this-

I just- it's just in the bag.

There's a-Oh,

do you have a medium?

-Here.
-Okay, wow.

Wait, we should set the mood?

I have Spotify premium, no ads.

- We don't need that.
- I can put a slow jam playlist.

Okay, wait.

I've- I've never done this
before.

-Well, no, I mean I've had sex.
-Yeah, okay, good. That's great.

You know, but- Not with people
around.

It's just us here.

Wait, that's not true.
That's not true.

Actually when I was in college,

my girlfriend and I,
we went camping.

-Wow.
-Consensual.

And- and-wow.

Wow.

And there was a tent next to us.

And there were people
having sex in there loudly.

Say some pornstar
nasty ass shit.

It's not like-

I will murder.

They ruined our lives.

Pussy.

I want you to murder my pussy.

Excuse me?

I want you to tell me. How
you're gonna murder my pussy?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

Well, I'll use my penis

to strangle it until it's dead.

Yeah.

Oh.

No, this is weird.

This is weird, I'm sorry I
don't-

I'm sorry.

I don't talk like
that.I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I just thought talking dirty
would turn you on.

I don't know what to do
to turn you on.

I don't know how to do this.

Are you kidding me?

You?

You do not have to use
any gimmicks to turn me on.

Honestly, I would really just
love to kiss you.

If that's okay.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. I would love that.

Hey you guys.

Are you doing okay?

Do you have everything you need?

-Thank you so much.
-I want you

to have the best time ever.

Oh, thank you.

Oh my god, baby.

You guys look great together.

It's just such
a beautiful couple.

Stay the night if you want.
Make yourselves at home.

Hey girl, let me talk to you.

Hey, come on over here.

- How are you feeling?
- Oh my gosh.

I feel great.

I love these people.

These are- these are good
people.

- Yeah.
- Oh, I forgot.

The donor number
three cancelled.

Who are you gonna get
to fill the empty slot?

Her empty slot,
like, a vagina?

- That was good.
- Like, her vagina.

I know a guy, I'll call him.

But you need to sit down.

Oh my god,
you are such a good friend.

You know, we should do things,
you and me.

It doesn't always have to be
the three of us.

Right? Just call me, girl.

And also, you're so pretty.

I never told you that before.

I want it, but I'm not going to.

- You better not.
- Because I know I shouldn't.

I'm doing the work.

Good, good, okay.

Do you wanna touch my hair?

My hair is so soft.

I have a conditioner
that costs $125.

- That's a lot of money.
- That's so dumb.

It's beautiful.

Okay, I'm gonna go call my guy,
but you sit down, alright?

Don't do a lot of things.

Okay. I'll sit in my den.

I have a great chair in there.

- Lay out.
- It's fluffy.

Hi, where's
the closest bathroom?

It's right over there.
Wow, your boobs got big.

Do they hurt yet?

They will.
When you start nursing.

Are you gonna nurse?

I loved nursing so much.

Oh my gosh. But it does hurt
when it chafes.

And I got mastitis
so bad one time,

Geoff had to put
a hot compress on my boobs

and milk me like a cow.

Oh, this is so much information.

-Are you okay?
-Oh, no. They got better.

Thank you for asking that.

Hey, so-- and the bathroom is
there. Thank you.

Remember, breast feeding
is best feeding.

Okay.

Hello?

I'm almost done.
I'm almost done.

Okay.

Well, pregnant lady
needs to pee-pee.

I have Irritable
Bowel Syndrome.

Okay.

I'll find another.

Good luck with that.

-That was fun.
-Yeah. Yeah, that was fun.

Okay.

Oh no. Oh no.

What?

The condom broke.

Oh, no. Oh.

Oh my god.
I'm so, so, sorry.

I don't know
how this happened.

You know maybe-

Maybe you're just-

You're too big
and the condom burst.

That's the nicest thing
anyone has ever said to me.

This is just-

I'm on the pills,
it was just-

You know, in case of STDs.

Oh, don't worry about that.
I'm clean.

I give my blood
to Quest all the time.

They should give me
a punch card.

What?

Oh, I have a blood disorder.

What? Like, are you a
hemophiliac or-?

No, no.
I just bruise really easily.

You know? Oh, up here.

-See that?
-Oh.

That's from a collision
with a shopping cart.

Oh, thank god. For you.

Yeah.

It's pretty funny actually.

Child protective services
used to call my parents

-all the time.
-Oh.

Yeah.

Why don't you go first.
And then I'll come later.

Just so it's not so conspicuous.

- Oh, you mean now?
- Yeah.

Okay.

- Hey, it's me, Amandine.
- Oh, okay.

♪ Well, I'm gonna put you down
on the microphone ♪

♪ And drop down low
like Al Capone ♪

Okay.

Getting a little help
from gravity.

Listen, I totally appreciate
you finding him.

He was super right.

But did you know that
he had a blood disorder?

Okay, getting a full DNA workup
was not on the checklist.

But on a related note,
donor number three did cancel.

Oh, the French teacher?

- Oui.
- Crap, he sounded promising.

Well, on an unrelated note,

there might be a little
itsy-bitsy problem with Molly.

Argh, is she drunk?

- Well, I wouldn't say drunk.
- Oh, she used to

do this to me all the
time in college.

I'd meet a guy
I was really into,

and then she'd get
super hammered

and then I'd have to walk her
back to dorm room.

That's probably it.
I'm gonna go.

I'mma see you out there.

- Hey.
- What?

Can you get me a snack?

No.

Kahlil, get on up here buddy.

Your turn, your turn.
You burn him.

Happy birthday, buddy.

There we go.

Alright, this is my favorite.

In his garage, we're working
about to make millions.

Right.

- And what happens?
- His septic tank breaks.

And so, we are literally
working in a shit.

And what did you say to me?
What did you say?

- I couldn't smell it.
- Couldn't smell it.

Couldn't smell his own shit.

I just thought you guys were
trying to get out of working.

- We were.
- Well, shut up about it.

-I destroyed--
-Tim!

Everybody, Tim is here.
Tim is here.

All of the beautiful artwork
that we have in our house,

it's almost all him.

I love them.
I was gonna ask.

I love the dog paintings.
So fun.

Yeah, I tried to buy it all.

You basically did, I mean.

Jackie, Jackie, it's Tim time.

It's Tim time. Tim.

- Shh.
- Jackie, Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.

-Come on.
-Tim time.

-Tim time.
-Wait, what's Tim time?

Honey, your gift is here,
and your's.

Here we are.

Yap, careful, careful.
It's still little wet.

- So is she.
- Excuse me, excuse me.

What-? Oh my god. Wow.

-I mean-
-MOLLY: Look at that.

Thank you. Thank you, Molls.

Aww.

Alright.

Wow. Wow.

Okay. Alright. She just loves
art. You know?

Yeah, yeah.

-Yummy.
-God.

Tim, I mean this is phenomenal.

Really phenomenal.

How did you get the-?

Well, for your face,

I actually used one of
your old wedding photos.

I had to age it up
just a little bit.

- Just a little bit.
- Okay.

And then for you body,
I used that guy.

- How are you doing?
- Oh, man.

Yeah.
He's pretty proud of himself.

It is so good.
Oh, he's so talented.

He does baby portraits too.

You have to do our's.

Okay, okay.

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you. Yes.

Thank you.

So you must really love dogs.

Um, actually I'm allergic.

You know, people just
send me pictures of their dogs

and then I paint them.

But you must like them
a little bit, right?

I don't. I can't stand them.

They slobber.
They crap on the floor.

They eat your shoes.

But people love dogs,
so easy money.

I don't understand
what's going on.

We were just very friendly and
then who the hell is this guy?

Yeah, so what he's got
a handsome face

and perfect hair
and considerable talent?

Oh god.

Oh okay, alright.

You know what would
make a good impression?

A Jeff Goldblum standee.

She loves him.
You will be like her hero.

Yeah, but right now, all I have
is some of the Dodgers.

And an old Batman.

To the Batomobile then.

I'll be back.

That was the terminator.

Oh my god, I'm losing it,
Amandine. I'm losing it.

Go find it, go find it.

Okay. I'm coming right back.

Okay, so what about babies?

I can't stand babies.

I'm sorry,
I can't stand them.

Babies are- babies are stupid.

I mean, you ever tried to have
a conversation with a baby?

It's remarkably one-sided.

Well, they're babies,
so they can't even talk.

Because babies are stupid.

So, you don't like
babies or dogs?

Or surfing. I hate surfing.

Well, how do you make art about
something

you don't even like?

That's why they call us
starving artists.

Speaking of which,
there's the food.

Excuse me.

Okay, we got a problem.

MJ got feelings.

-What do you mean feelings?
-Like, feelings feelings.

You need to bounce off
before he gets back, okay?

Well, I'm thinking of
bouncing right now.

Absolutely not. No.

One D down.
Two more Ds to go.

I can't do this.

Yes, you can.

The goal is to be a hoe.

Mom.

Hoe now, mom later.
There's a through line.

Okay.

Wow.

You weren't kidding
about the starving artist.

It's Pavlovian.

All these art openings always
have amazing spreads,

and if I keep my mouth
filled with food,

people think they're rude
if they come up to me

and ask me "What were you
trying to say with this piece?"

Just give you the money
and leave you alone, right?

You wanna be my agent?

Oh, here we go. Yeah.

I'm sure she's perfectly nice,

but I get hit on by that type
all the time.

What's your type?

Oh, unbearable self-involved
assholes. Know any?

Okay, you're right.
I should apologize to her.

I'm sorry. I'm a little salty.

My ex recently got
in touch with me

and called me a sell-out

because I painted a mural
for YouTube.

One mural, okay?

Diego Rivera did
his best work for Rockefeller.

Commissioned mural.

The Sistine Chapel was
a commissioned mural.

Commerce and art.
Corporate art.

What's the big deal?
Now- now my ex is going out

with some 50-year-old.

He's 50. He designs food courts
at malls, okay?

-I'm a sell out?
-Oh, fuck off.

I'm sorry.
I haven't had the pleasure.

And you're not going to.

All the men here have
younger wives.

Look.

Our hosts, your patrons,
seven years apart.

- Well, he looks old.
- He has no hair.

Preggo and Deer in Headlights,
more like ten years.

Silver fox and Kim Kardashian.

And especially Surf and Turf.

Why do you think that is?

All women are gold diggers?

Supply and demand.

There's not much demand
for aging aimless artist.

But you two have fun.

I think I'm in love.

You look kind of cute when
you get your ass handed to you.

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

Hey Tim, I love it.

Thank you so much, again.

Although, I'm gonna have to
hide it in my office

so Molly doesn't get sad
every time I take my shirt off.

Thank you. I was trying to
convey the feeling of freedom.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, sounds like somebody surfs.

Not as much as
I'd like to.

Heard that, my man.
Yeah, when I'm out there, man-

Shh, you talk too much.

Stop talking.

I didn't really say anything.

Oh, Tim.

You have to show Jaclyn
all of your a