The Detective (1954) - full transcript
Amateur detective Father Ignatius Brown defies his Bishop and decides to transport to Rome a holy relic from his church - a cross that once belonged to St. Augustin - rather than allow the more elaborate plans to proceed. On the channel crossing he becomes suspicious of a fellow traveler, a Mr Dobson, whom Brown quickly determines is not the automobile salesman he claims to be. He does befriend another priest whom he takes into his confidence but soon realizes that his suspicions should have been reversed. The fake priest is in fact Gustave Flambeau a professional art thief and an expert at disguise. After he gets away with the cross, Brown refuses to work with the police, insisting that he wants to save the man's soul, not put him in prison. With the assistance of his friend Lady Warren, Father Brown sets a trap for Flambeau but Brown realizes that his work is only just beginning.
- Your name?
- Brown.
- You're sure it isn't Smith or Jones?
- No, no, Brown.
Ignatius Brown. After Saint
Ignatius Loyola, you understand.
Ig... natius... Brown.
You are charged that,
at 3am on 7th August,
you were on enclosed premises
for a burglarious purpose.
Oh, no, quite the reverse!
You see, I was there for
a non-burglarious purpose.
One of my parishioners,
whose name my duty
forbids me to tell you,
committed the burglary.
I prevailed upon him
to let me uncommit it.
When these gentlemen arrived,
I was in the process
of restoring the swag.
I believe that's what it's called? Swag?
Better explain all that
to the court in the morning.
Will you empty your pockets, please?
One watch.
- One watch.
- One box of matches.
- One box of matches.
- One piece of string.
One piece of string.
- One shilling, silver, two pennies, bronze.
- One shilling, silver, two pennies, bronze.
- One Bible.
- One breviary.
One book.
- One bar of milk chocolate.
- One bar of milk chocolate.
Your glasses, please.
Oh, is that really necessary?
I'm as blind as a bat without them.
Though I often wonder
whether all bats are really blind,
any more than all lords
are drunk or all judges sober.
This way, please.
Would it be possible to
return me the bar of chocolate?
I had no dinner.
Pax vobiscum.
I've never been in a cell before.
Except a monastery cell, of course.
Right. Hold on a sec.
Get me "known to operate
disguised as clergymen", will you?
Then there's Alfred Baggs,
alias Father O'Hara.
Specialises in door-to-door
collection for missionary work.
Height, 6'3". Saintly type, silvery hair.
No good?
Wilfred Llewellyn. Oh, no, he won't do.
Went down for three years last month.
Jimmy Telford, specialises in
picking pockets on racecourses.
Open-air, country parson type,
you know. Dog collar and tweeds.
No good? Well, I'm sorry,
old man, I can't help you.
- What alias is he using?
- Brown.
- Brown?
- What's funny?
I'm sorry, old man.
I think you've got the genuine article.
Father Brown.
He's an odd one. Amateur detective.
Take my advice, old man.
Get him identified.
Father Brown.
Monsignor! Sorry. So
sorry to have disturbed you.
You will be even sorrier by the
time the Bishop has heard of this.
You identify this person as Father Brown?
I regret to say... yes.
Will you sign there, please?
- Would you care to have a cup of tea?
- I would, but I haven't time.
Thank you for your hospitality.
It's been most interesting.
Father! You're in trouble, Father?
I'm disappointed in you, Bert.
- I'm sorry, Father, it was...
- Firstly because you did wrong.
Secondly, because you
did wrong in the wrong way.
Frankly, you are an incompetent thief.
- Well, I wouldn't go that far.
- I would.
You're clearly incapable
of earning a dishonest living.
Why not experiment with an honest one?
You don't know what you're asking.
I think I do.
- Can you drive a car?
- Me drive a car?
I drove the boys when they done Asprey's.
Straight up Bond Street, down Bruton Street,
ditched the car on Adam's Row,
then back to Hounslow by tube.
Can I drive a car!
Because a friend of mine needs a chauffeur.
I'd think about it if I were you.
Of course, I'm not you.
- Sold.
- Good.
Perhaps you think a crime horrible
because you cannot imagine
yourselves committing it.
That isn't true, you know.
What really horrifies you
is the secret and shameful knowledge
that you are capable of committing it.
We all are, I no less than you.
We were not made
good people or bad people.
We were made people.
A great man once said of a
poor creature going to execution,
"There but for the grace of God go I."
That grace is infinite.
It is there for the forgetful child.
It is there for the wealthy,
who surround themselves with luxury
but cut themselves off
from human contacts.
It is there for all of us,
for God abandons no one.
But though his mercy
is there for us to accept,
we must not presume on it.
Or, as my text from Jeremiah tells us,
"He that maketh haste to be rich
shall not go unpunished. "
He that maketh haste to be rich
shall not go unpunished.
- Sorry.
- What for?
For intruding.
You always stop to look at it.
It belonged to St Augustine.
It has a strange feeling...
Over 12 centuries...
It's very beautiful.
- Is it valuable?
- No. Not valuable.
Priceless.
It is more than two years now
since your husband died.
Yes.
He wouldn't have wished you to
have mourned so long, you know.
I suppose not.
Each day, I tell myself
that tomorrow I will forget.
And each tomorrow...
Oh, you have a new chauffeur.
- But he...
- Smashing good sermon today, Father.
Thank you, Bert. And an
interesting text, didn't you think?
I must warn you, Lady Warren,
he was once nearly arrested.
For speeding.
All right?
That's one of the neatest
donkey's whistles I've ever seen.
Father Brown!
Brawling. And on Sunday.
Sunday's the only day Charlie finds
it convenient to give me instruction.
Well, I'm down at the track weekdays, see?
A not unprofitable occupation,
you will observe.
Done like a master!
You know, the Father would have
made a wonderful oyster
if he'd started young enough.
- Oyster?
- Pickpocket.
Be that as it may, the Bishop
wishes to see you at once.
Furthermore, I think he would prefer to
see you correctly dressed for the occasion.
Of course. It won't take a moment.
You may show in Inspector Wilkins.
My lord, before the Inspector arrives,
that unfortunate incident with the police...
Has been forgotten.
You are here to discuss an incident
which has not yet arisen
but which is likely to arise.
Now then, you will
undoubtedly have read
that the Eucharistic Congress
will meet next week in Rome.
Yes.
We have decided to send to the
Congress the Holy Cross of St Augustine.
My cross? How nice!
Not entirely.
The Inspector informs us that an eminent criminal
proposes to intercept the cross en route.
That's right, sir. Gustav Flambeau.
Flambeau? Oh, not Flambeau!
- You know him?
- I know of him. Who doesn't know of him?
He stole the El Greco
from the Louvre in broad daylight.
He's been stealing
priceless treasures for ten years.
And the police don't even know
what he looks like.
He's a human chameleon,
a master of disguise, you might say.
Oh, I would like to meet him!
The purpose of this interview is
to frustrate such an encounter.
The Inspector will outline his plan to you.
At 0930 hours on Friday next,
the cross will be collected by Humber car.
Driver will sign in the name Wheatley.
Car will then proceed to London Airport.
West Road... Roundabout...
Lorry pulled up... No, no!
- Father Brown, are you all right?
- Baggage. Jostle. Switch. No, no!
Father Brown!
Oh, no, no. Won't do at all. Not at all.
You see, I have just stolen the cross.
- You have stolen the cross?
- In three different ways.
In imagination, I forgot to say.
So if I, an amateur,
can steal the cross in three ways,
only think what Flambeau might do.
- Oh, a police escort is out of the question.
- Now, look here sir...
Don't you see? All this paraphernalia,
police cars, codenames,
can only attract Flambeau's attention.
Then what would you,
as an amateur, suggest?
Where would a wise man hide a leaf?
In a forest.
Where would a wise man hide a cross?
In a forest of crosses.
We have a forest ready-made for us.
A forest of priests.
A Black Forest, you might say.
Each carrying his cross
and all on their way to Rome.
I will take the cross.
The only safe way to do it.
One priest,
indistinguishable among hundreds,
carrying one cross
undetectable among hundreds.
I think the security arrangements
had better stand.
- I think so.
- My lord...
This is lunacy.
Father Brown, you will you good enough
to leave matters
in the lunatic hands
of the Inspector and myself.
Scotland Yard will continue to inform you
of our further insane decisions.
Meanwhile, good morning.
Silly of me!
No, it was very sensible of me.
Codenames, police cars...
Thank you. All aboard, please, Father!
The train's about to leave.
Thank you very much!
Oh, come on, gentlemen!
The train is about to leave!
Would you mind? Thank you.
Thank you. Thanks very much!
All aboard, there. That's right!
Come on. Ah, gentlemen, please! Go on!
Keep going, Your Eminence.
- You'll make it in a photo finish.
- Pax vobiscum.
Come on, now, in you get!
You're going to miss it! Go on, now.
In you go, in you go!
That's a good boy!
Two!
Three!
- Look here!
- Only three.
- Four?
- Thank you so much.
- Don't mention it.
- I'm afraid I dropped it.
- You did.
- Somewhere else, I mean.
Oh, thank you!
Thank you.
Can I put those up on the rack for you, Father?
No, no, thank you.
- I believe you dropped this, old fellow.
- Oh, thank you.
- Expecting bad weather?
- Oh, no, just a habit.
It'll be a rough crossing.
The notice board at Victoria said smooth.
Rough. This barometer has never failed me.
It belonged to Admiral Lord Nelson.
The surest precaution against sea sickness
is two lightly boiled eggs
and a half bottle of champagne.
Go up now, look toward the sea.
I Kings, 18:43.
And it came to pass and meanwhile...
that the heaven was black with clouds
and wind and there was a great rain.
Might get a bit choppy further out!
I'm... afraid...
I must go
and share the sufferings of our brethren.
Two lightly boiled eggs
and half a bottle of champagne.
Dear!
Admiral Lord Nelson himself
was sick every time he went to sea.
You're a good sailor, Father.
I don't know yet.
I've never been out of England before.
But I took the precaution
of having no breakfast.
On the principle that
what doesn't go down can't come up, eh?
- Going to Rome on business, I suppose?
- Our Father's business, yes.
Me too. Arthur Dobson's the name.
Motor cars' me game.
Jaguar.
- Lovely car, the Jaguar.
- Certainly is. Always drive one myself.
Though I feel they made a mistake
in incorporating
a single downdraft carburettor.
Very good in high gear,
but makes her sluggish in low.
Nevertheless, beautiful to handle,
I've been told.
You ought to be a salesman, Father.
- I suppose I am, in a way.
- But you've got a ready-made market.
I wouldn't say that.
Sometimes I have
to sell on the instalment system.
Oh, dear!
Perhaps I should have
had some breakfast after all.
- I'll look after those for you.
- No, no, no, thank you.
Ta-ta, Father!
You seem disturbed, Father.
By that gentleman.
He told me he was a motor salesman.
Well, he looks as if he might be.
What motor salesman would agree that the
Jaguar has a single downdraft carburettor?
Keep moving, please!
I'm afraid that particular heresy escapes me.
There never was a model except with twin
horizontal automatic choke carburettors.
No, no. He's not what he pretends to be.
Why should that alarm you?
Keep moving, please.
Don't block the gangway!
May I take you into my confidence, please?
Then you think it's possible
that Mr Dobson might be the criminal?
More than possible.
- Let me put those on the rack for you.
- Is that wise?
There are two of us to guard them now.
A danger shared is a danger halved.
You see, the difficulty is that no one
knows what this criminal looks like.
Any man might be he.
Pardon, mon p?re. Mon p?re.
We meet again!
M. Inspecteur, would you please find me
a place in a non smocking compartement?
It's intolerable here
in the presence of these gentlemen.
If madame will wait a moment.
A disgusting habit!
But a very useful one, sometimes.
A friend of mine,
Captain Chavaz, of the Foreign Legion.
Leg all chopped off. Non anesth?sique.
Smoked the pipe all through the operation.
Never felt a thing.
- Good Lord!
- What was he smoking?
Opium!
- Madame, will you accompany me?
- With pleasure!
Madame s'en va, s'en va...
Excuse me, madame, but I think that
that parcel belongs to Father Brown.
May I ask, how do you know my name?
Oh, your suitcase is labeled BROWN.
The rest of you is labeled FATHER
Guido. Make the best wines.
If you are better than your thirst
they are grateful.
If you're worse, they are not surprised.
I'm going back trois jours to Mary Bourne.
'Commanded the widow woman there
to sustain thee.'
I, Kings, 17:9.
I'm giving a try
to stretch my legs in the corridor.
So do I.
You do really seem
beset by the hosts of Midian.
I think we are reasonably safe
while in the train,
but I gather we have
to change trains in Paris.
Not only trains but stations.
We'll be there for two hours.
- Two hours, in Paris.
- You're not acquainted with Paris?
- Only by repute.
- Fortunately, I am.
I was in a Jesuit seminary there
for three years.
- If I can be of any assistance...
- You are most kind.
Are you familiar with
the Paris underground railway?
- Tolerably well.
- Splendid.
- Then we shall simply go in the smoke.
- It's an electrical railway.
I used a criminal expression,
meaning to evade one's pursuers.
- Usually, of course, the police.
- I see.
A simple but effective ruse,
taught me by one of the lambs in my flock.
- A strange flock.
- Oh, not strange, just human.
Albert was a dear fellow.
Where do you think he is now?
- In prison?
- In a monastery.
- Life is full of surprises, isn't it?
- One never dreams how full.
- Inspector Valentine?
- Yes.
I'm Inspector Dubois of the S?rete Nationale.
Superbly done, Father.
How Albert would have admired your skill.
Ah, food at last!
Coffee with milk and a cheese sandwich.
Un caf? au lait et un sandwich fromage,
et pour moi,
un caf? noir et un sandwich jambon.
One cheese sandwich,
one ham sandwich. OK.
I am afraid Albert
would not have admired my skill.
It seems as though Mr Dobson,
like the poor, is always with us.
Foolish to take that bus.
They would join us immediately.
- Yes.
- As it's only half full.
But if we were to capture the last two seats...
If I may say so, a smoke of an almost
Mozartian elegance and simplicity.
Can you see how many seats are left?
Eleven.
Two more in. Nine.
Eight.
Five, and we should prepare to leave.
Mademoiselle!
- Prenez, je vous dois.
- Merci.
Four.
- Would you look after these, please?
- Oui.
Gardez la monnaie, je vous en prie.
Merci, mon p?re.
Police, police! Attendez nous!
Taxi!
Taxi! Taxi!
Taxi!
Don't the police in France
come before a pair of lovers?
In Paris, on a warm afternoon?
I'm afraid not.
Ah, courage, mon vieux.
Aux catacombes, en vitesse!
Allez! Pousse-toi de la, toi. Allez!
Thank you.
You are English.
And why does he arrest you?
And all of us the same.
We have done nothing. Nothing!
Sale flic!
You are English. You like some postcards?
This view is very interesting, no?
Good day, good Fathers. Please follow me.
The catacombes were formerly
the stone quarries of Paris.
When Paris was rebuilt,
the bones from many churches
and cemeteries were transferred here.
It is estimated that the remains of five
million human beings are preserved here.
Fascinating. Not even a rat
would find us in this maze.
S?ret? Nationale.
Une lampe electrique. Vite, vite!
We're quite certain
not to be disturbed here.
Splendid.
I've been longing for a quiet little
talk with you, Monsieur Flambeau.
How foolish of me to have
underestimated you.
If I may ask,
how long have you known?
Since the little caf?.
You ordered a ham sandwich.
Oh, really unworthy of you.
A ham sandwich on a Friday?
Up till then, a brilliant masquerade.
You flatter me, Father.
But you puzzle me also.
If you knew that I am who I am,
why, then, have we been
escaping from the others?
Well, obviously.
If you were Flambeau, then
the others must be the police.
You puzzle me even more.
If they were the police,
surely you would have contrived
to keep close to them?
Don't you see? If they had
caught you then I couldn't have.
And I want you on behalf of a
higher authority than they do.
Oh, please!
When I was a child,
I was stuffed with religion like
a Strasbourg goose with grain.
I have no appetite left.
When you were a child,
you understood as a child.
You thought as a child.
But now you have become a man.
And you have not
put away childish things.
We're wasting each other's time.
That parcel.
Who was the devil who taught you that?
You don't have to tell me.
One of the lambs in your flock,
now in a monastery, I suppose?
Oh, no, in a gymnasium.
- I wish you'd tell me why you steal.
- Quite frankly, because I enjoy it.
- Why do you enjoy it?
- Because I do it so well.
Or... usually do.
But why try to steal my poor
cross? It isn't worth very much.
- Perhaps I just want to look at it.
- Other people want to look at it too.
I don't care about other people.
How terrible for you.
You've stolen priceless things.
The El Greco, the Imperial Crown,
but they're valueless because
you cannot hope to sell them.
I do not steal to sell.
You don't understand the difference
between price and value.
How strange.
The spiritual man seems to be more
material than the material one.
I begin to understand what you are.
I would like to know who you are.
Oh, you're Flambeau, of course.
But who is Flambeau?
That's a secret that must
remain between him and me.
Your rats have found
their way to the cheese.
There are miles like this.
It would take us a week to search thoroughly.
Courage, mon ami.
And my shoes will be ruined.
But one shout from you,
your cross would have been saved
and I would have been in prison.
You are in prison.
The prison of your own arrogance.
I would like to set you free.
Ah, now I begin
to understand what you are.
You want me for your private crusade.
It would seem, Father,
that in your own way,
you are as arrogant as I am.
My compliments to the lamb.
A most effective hold, while it lasted.
Well, on the principle of
what goes in must come out,
we'll wait here all day, if necessary.
And now to look at my new toy.
I'm afraid it isn't there.
I took the precaution of
switching parcels at the caf?.
Exquisite!
But I shall have to admire it later.
You must realise, Father, to your regret,
that there is a great difference
between a good amateur
and a good professional.
I saw you switch parcels,
so I simply switched them back.
A tiresome clich? of my profession.
What a pity you waste your talents.
Hardly waste.
Goodbye, Father.
A three-fold cord is not easily broken.
Ecclesiastes, 4:12.
Au revoir, my son.
And God go with you.
You will not be left in discomfort
longer than is necessary.
Ah, gardien. Est-ce qu'on a vu deux pr?tres?
No, have you seen two priests?
One short and fat, the other tall.
Take your choice, monsieur.
Excuse me, gentlemen,
but we've reason to believe
there's a criminal inside.
Did any of you see anything
suspicious while you were in there?
Permettez, monsieur! Permettez, monsieur!
- I heard something.
- What? Where?
Third corridor to the right.
Brown paper at the entrance to the cave.
The parcel of Father Brown!
I do not know to what charges
your egomaniac folly has laid
you open in the criminal courts.
In that respect, I am happy to say that
your knowledge is greater than mine.
But I do know you will have
to appear before another court,
in the person of the Archbishop,
who believes your conduct to have
been reckless and insubordinate.
You doubtless realise that,
in the event of his continuing in this belief,
you will be deprived of your parish.
Oh, dear. Is it as bad as that?
You would do well to display more
contrition before the Archbishop
than you show before me.
My lord,
for my failure, I am contrite,
but for my intentions I am not and cannot be.
You see, I gambled the cross
for the soul of Flambeau.
I like to think St Augustine
would have agreed with me.
I doubt if the Archbishop
will agree with you.
I wish he would.
Because I believe that,
given time, I could get back both.
Before you can recover Flambeau's
soul, you must find his body.
A task which the police of five countries
have been trying to achieve
for ten years without success.
- I believe I can succeed.
- How?
I don't know yet. But I believe I can.
I am powerless to prevent your
appearance before His Eminence.
However, if, before that appearance,
you could bring in this harvest...
Oh, thank you.
- When is the appearance?
- In two weeks' time.
I'd better start at once.
What progress have you made?
Looking for a black cat in a coal
hole during an eclipse of the sun
would be a child's task
compared with mine.
You put me in mind of a child's poem:
As I was walking up the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there,
He wasn't there again today,
I wish that he would go away.
I wish that he would come my way.
Don't give up.
You've still got nine days.
And don't forget, you're
dining with me on Friday.
How many swans are there
on the Thames, I wonder?
Shall we say 7,000?
And suppose one of you is Flambeau.
How would I know?
I met a swan who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
But you are here again today, Inspector.
Not by choice.
You'd make things very
much easier for us both
if you told us what
you know of Flambeau.
I cannot tell you what I do not know.
All I know is that he walks upon two legs
and his head grows above his shoulders.
But what goes on inside that head?
You realise that obstruction of the police
in the execution of their duty
is a criminal offence?
And what of the obstruction you
offer me in the execution of my duty?
That is an offence too,
Inspector, of a more serious kind.
I want to help a man.
To cure him of the sickness in his soul.
You want to put him in prison
because of that sickness.
How can I possibly help you?
By telling us what
you know of Flambeau.
Otherwise there'll be
serious consequences.
Silly fellow. Preposterous.
Really, I'd have much
preferred to dine alone.
...suffer fools gladly.
Unless, of course, you tell me
what it is you're muttering about.
Suffer fools gladly.
St Paul tells us to suffer fools gladly but
sometimes I find it impossible to do.
Are you, by any chance,
referring to me?
No! No, no, no, no.
That silly policeman.
After all, science means
no more than knowledge.
A criminal is first and
foremost a human being.
If they don't know that,
they know nothing.
And what would you have them do?
What is it that you do?
I try...
I try to get so far inside a man...
that I can move his arms and legs...
think his thoughts...
wrestle with his passions...
until, in fact, I become the criminal.
Except for the final consent to the crime.
It is only then that I can
sometimes help a man.
But I have utterly failed to become
Flambeau or to be able to help him.
Look.
It's by Boudin.
When I look at a picture with so much life
I always find it hard to be depressed.
I'm so glad you agree.
Now you must look at
my greatest treasure.
They were created by Benvenuto Cellini
the only set he's ever
known to have made.
And this is really beautiful.
Rodin's The Hand of God.
- Father!
- Benvenuto.
Bait.
Fishers of men.
Rodin's The Hand of God.
The Hand Of God.
Father, are you all right?
Oh, much more than all right.
You see, I have just committed
Flambeau's next crime.
- I'm afraid I don't see at all.
- Neither did I, at first.
So simple.
If Mohammed cannot
go to the mountain,
then the mountain
must come to Mohammed.
- What are you talking about?
- Fishing, of course.
Lady Warren,
you must put that magnificent
chess set up for auction.
But this is preposterous. Why, there
isn't another one in the world like it.
That's why Flambeau
will attempt to steal it.
Now, to make sure the fish
becomes aware of the bait...
May I?
Why you should start asking
my permission at this stage?
I have many good friends
in the newspaper world.
For heaven's sake, tell me,
which one of them is he?
Any one of those might be.
- Lady Warren?
- Yes?
- Il Conte della Molle.
- Yes?
Oh, I'm desolated.
You do not remember.
Che peccato! I assure you.
When the Cellini Society chose me
to bid for this masterpiece, I thought,
whatever happens, at least
I shall see Lady Warren again.
Tell me, have you always worn a beard?
Only for the last 20 years.
Do you remember ever
having seen him before?
No. And, indeed, he
would be hard to forget.
Surely Flambeau wouldn't draw
attention to himself in that way?
It's just the sort of thing he would do.
Oh, my word!
What's the matter?
There's a fish I hadn't expected to hook.
Who? No! I can guess.
- It's your scientific policeman!
- Yes.
He seems at least unscientific
enough to have understood
- what you were going to do.
- I'm afraid so.
Lady Warren, ma'am?
I am Sam Judson,
out of San Antonio, Texas.
It isn't often we from Texas
get a chance to shake a real,
live lady by the hand, ma'am.
It isn't often that we in London
have the privilege of
meeting a real, live Texan.
You sure talk like a lady.
You know, I've come 5,000
miles to buy this set of yours.
It'll go well down on my ranch.
- Will it really?
- Yeah, ma'am.
I got myself a swell games room,
with solid gold poker chips,
solid gold chequers and a
solid gold ping-pong table.
- And solid gold ping-pong balls?
- No, ma'am, they wouldn't bounce.
Well, I'd better get
set to rope this steer.
I feared for a moment he
was going to take my hand
back to Texas with him, even
though it isn't made of gold.
I doubt if even Flambeau
could have invented him.
My lords, ladies and gentlemen,
I first present to you lot n? 1,
a chess set in gold and silver,
attributed to Benvenuto Cellini.
Thank you.
If I may remind you of the
words of another great master,
"to unite elegance and utility, and
blend the useful with the agreeable,
has ever been considered a
difficult, but honourable task. "
Thank you.
My apologies. My aeroplane was late.
Lady Warren.
Yes?
I have long looked forward
to this meeting.
Yes?
Sir Percival and I had many
delightful games of chess in Istanbul.
My husband, to my knowledge,
was never in Istanbul.
Then it must have been New Delhi.
Modern travel is so confusing.
Only think. I read the news of your impending sale
while I was on safari in Tanganyika yesterday.
The rhinoceros I was about to shoot was spared.
And I hurried to be
with you in London today.
I'm surprised that the newspapers could reach you so quickly.
One of my private planes brings
me the papers wherever I may be.
How many private planes have you?
About as many as I have elephants.
I give up.
Now, who will open
the bidding for me at ?10,000?
$50,000.
I am bid ?17,857, 2 shillings and 10 pence.
I think it would be easier, sir,
if we were to conduct
the bidding in pounds sterling.
Any advance? I am bid ?20,000.
21.
22.
23.
Is that a bid, sir?
Oh, no! No!
Then, it is 23,000, I'm bid.
- 25.
- Guineas.
That is the equivalent, sir, of $26,250.
27.
Guineas.
30,000.
Pounds?
No, them other things.
30,000 guineas, I'm bid.
50.
Guineas?
No. Them other things.
?50,000, I'm bid.
The bidding is against you, sir.
It can stay that way.
Tiffany's can make me
something bigger and cheaper.
Then, the bidding rests at ?50,000.
Any advance?
Going...
Not going at all.
Going...
Most disappointing.
Gone.
Please, do accept this little gift
in gratitude for the many delightful games
I've played with your husband.
He was a master of the Steinitz Defence.
Well, never mind, it was
exciting while it lasted.
It's just beginning to get exciting.
Please! Stand back!
I am sorry, my lady.
Never mind. It wasn't your fault.
Thank you, ma'am.
It wasn't his fault!
No, it wasn't.
It was mine.
I tripped him.
Well, even so, there's no harm done.
None, except that Flambeau has
just got away with your chess set.
Then why are we sitting here?
Because he is sitting there.
Lot n? 2. A landscape with animal and
human figures by Sir Edwin Landseer.
Will anyone bid me ?3?
While we can't see him, he can't see us.
Won't somebody bid me ?3?
Lot n? 3, a peculiarly fine blue
and white vase of the Ming dynasty.
Lot n? 4...
Truly, pride goeth before destruction.
- And a haughty spirit before a fall.
- Proverbs, 16:18.
Father, will you please cease dropping
things and shushing and introduce us?
- We've met before I think, madame.
- I don't think so.
The first moment of our meeting
is emblazoned on my mind,
- when I tripped over Father Brown's feet.
- Umbrella.
However, to regularise the situation.
Monsieur Gustav Flambeau, Lady Warren.
Father Brown has often
spoken to me of you.
I would that he had divided his
kindness and spoken to me of you,
instead of leaving me to read
your name in a newspaper.
Which brings me to the
purpose of this intrusion.
It's seldom that a poor man
can outdo a rich one but
what a maharajah can
offer you with his money,
I presume to offer you
with my skill.
If you'll accept, my
pleasure will exceed his.
But why take all the trouble to
steal it, only to give it back again?
The acts that we do
for no evident reason
are sometimes
the most rational ones.
Then, there being no evident reason
why I should accept your gift,
I'm delighted to do so.
Pardon, my lady,
but the awful people
are coming up the drive.
What awful people?
- It is not my at home day.
- I think he means the police.
Bert, we must get Monsieur
Flambeau away immediately.
Did you say Flambeau?
- It's a pleasure, guv!
- Bert!
- Come on. We've just got time.
- I hope so.
You shall have. I will
delay the awful people.
- Au revoir, monsieur.
- ? bient?t, j'?sp?re, Madame.
Come on, guv!
Wait, Bert. I've got a better idea.
- Where's the driver?
- Having a beer across the road.
He says driving this stuff
makes him thirsty.
Good!
All right!
Sorry to have kept you waiting,
but my staff's away for the day.
That's all right, madame.
I'm here on behalf of the...
I'm afraid if you're selling
brushes, we're already supplied.
I always get mine at
the Army & Navy stores.
No, I'm not here to sell brushes.
Nor do I receive salesmen,
except at the tradesman's entrance.
So if you'll excuse me...
Madame, I'm here
in the name of the law.
The law? Oh, how nice!
And I suppose you're not aware that
that you've been robbed of
your famous Cellini chess set.
Robbed? How absurd!
It's here in the
drawing room as usual.
There it is, you see.
- Interesting.
- Yes, isn't it? Cellini was...
What was interesting was
that when you came in here,
you saw only one thing.
- And what was that?
- You saw what wasn't here.
Or rather who wasn't here.
Drive fast, turn left at the gates.
Your accomplices haven't got a chance.
They'll be intercepted within half an hour.
Half an hour?
Then you've time for a glass of sherry.
- No, thank you.
- Or perhaps a glass of milk?
The milkman seems to have
left rather a lot today.
Do sit down.
My abode is simple,
but it is at your service.
You are most kind.
You're sure we will not
be surprised here?
I should be most surprised if we are.
As I understand the official mind,
they will search every milkman
in London before looking here.
I've been looking forward to this.
- I so enjoyed our last little chat.
- As did I.
But I must warn you,
you will learn no more now
than you did then.
What an exquisite case. May I see?
Your family crest, I suppose.
I'm interested to learn how
you came to trip me up today.
I'm afraid you, as it were,
ate another ham sandwich.
Your face was old,
but your hands were not.
I imagine it's almost impossible
to disguise the hands.
Of course.
Next time, I must wear gloves.
- Need there be a next time?
- Why not?
Why?
Father, at the risk of abusing your hospitality,
may I suggest that you are being inquisitive?
Even if I answered your question,
you would not understand.
How could you, living apart
from the world as you do?
My son...
- Please do not call me your son.
- My son,
you think you are a man of
the world and that I am not.
But I assure you,
my innocent ears encounter every day
stories of a horror that would make
your sophisticated hair stand on end.
Although I wear funny clothes
and have taken certain vows...
I live far more in the world than you do.
Your world, perhaps.
I prefer to live in mine.
Why?
All right, I will tell you why, then
perhaps I will be rid of your moralising.
Because I have
no place in your world.
I was trained as a good swordsman
but, in a world of guns and bombs,
it is no longer regarded
as an accomplishment
to know how to die gracefully at dawn.
I ride a horse well.
But what use is that in a world
of tramlines and petrol fumes?
I love beautiful things.
I cannot afford to buy them.
So, quite simply, I take them
to decorate my world.
- Are you not lonely there?
- If I am, it is because I choose to be.
- Why did you not steal today?
- Because I chose not to.
Because Lady Warren is
a very beautiful woman.
My poor Father,
do not delude yourself that I
will fall into the trap of love
anymore than I will fall
into your trap of preaching.
I am as I am and that
is as I prefer to be.
I'm sorry for you.
You can keep your pity.
I don't want it.
You may need it.
Before you force me to be angry
under your roof,
pray give me leave to leave you.
Wait! I'm trying to help you.
Really, you are like a host
who presses unwanted food on a guest.
I hope you won't mind
if I continue to try.
The matter does not arise,
as we shall not meet again.
Oh, I'm sure we shall.
What are you really after?
Your cross or my soul?
Both, of course.
Well, come and find us.
I'll make you a bargain: whatever
you can find, you shall have.
I accept your bargain.
It would have been
an interesting encounter.
Pity it will never take place.
A duke's coronet
surmounting a flambeau azure.
- Did you say flambeau?
- Flambeau, yes.
An heraldic word meaning torch.
It's not an English coronet.
Almost certainly French.
I'm afraid that many French records were destroyed
at the time of their
unfortunate revolution.
Please inform Father Brown personally
that he's to appear before
the Archbishop next Thursday.
My lord, I thought it proper to
inform you that I've no alternative
but to ask for a warrant for the arrest of Father Brown.
- When do you propose to arrest him?
- As soon as the warrant's issued.
Will the bail be allowed?
That's for the Court to decide. Why do you ask?
Because there's something another
kind of court has to decide.
However, I suppose someone
must catch the hare
before the two jurisdictions start
arguing possession of the body.
Please also inform Father Brown that
the hounds have been unleashed.
I suggest you refer yourself to
the national archives in Paris.
Paris?
My old friend the Vicomte de Verdigris
is the only man alive who can help you.
That is, to say, if he is still alive.
But I'll give you a letter of
introduction to him anyway.
Now what... What was it
I was looking for?
I think you said it was
Reynolds' Lexicon of Heraldry.
Oh, yes, yes, yes...
How kind! So few people nowadays
are interested in
the noble families of France.
The last time I was asked for it
was between the two wars.
Between 1870 and 1914.
Now, whe... where did I put it?
Perhaps this might help.
Oh, what an interesting invention!
One, two, three, H, one, seven.
Ahh, here we are!
Oh! On the very top shelf.
Yes, I remember.
I am not as agile as I was.
The porter will have gone.
Perhaps you would like
to come back tomorrow?
No, tomorrow's Saturday.
- Monday perhaps?
- Monday will be too late.
- Oh, please be careful.
- I'm used to ladders.
Oh, they are not broken.
How fortunate.
I will bring them up to you.
Please, I will bring the book down.
Here.
Oh, thank you so much.
If I can find some new glasses
and come back within the hour...
I'm afraid it will have to be Monday.
This evening, I have a rendezvous
with la Duchesse de Garmonte.
Thank you.
Oh, no, no.
Pardon, monsieur.
- Can I be of any help?
- Oh, thank you.
Can you direct me
to the nearest optician?
That's it!
Monsieur,
these are the best I can arrange
for you at such short notice.
- Your eyes are not easy.
- No.
They will not be perfect
but they will serve.
- Thank you!
- Pas de quoi, monsieur.
- And you, Ignatius Brown...
- All right!
I'll come quietly.
We are almost at number 36.
Which is the same as your Scotland Yard.
Except that it's not so comfortable.
Oh, it will be better for you,
I assure you,
to take us to Flambeau.
Ah, we are almost there, as I said.
All right. I'm ready to cross.
He means he is prepared
to give us the information.
I do have a rendezvous with Flambeau.
Where?
Down there.
No, you must not be seen
otherwise he will take alarming, please.
The man I'll speak to will be your man.
All right.
Excuse me.
- Do you speak English?
- Sure.
Have you noticed the river
has started flowing backwards?
If you hadn't told me
I never would have noticed.
And the sun is moving from West to East.
And those trees, instead of growing...
are shrinking down into the ground.
All of which suggest to me
that the course of History
has started to unwind
and that we are approaching
the end of the world.
In that case, I'd better be going.
Thanks for the tip!
Gustave Flambeau, c'est la Police.
Et vous avez venir tout de suite.
- Police?
- Allez, allez, venez!
- Qu'est-ce que vous faites?
- Allons, pas de discussion!
- Venez tout de suite!
- Come along!
Hey! I demand to be taken
to the American Consulate!
Allez, allez, pas de discussion! Venez!
Je ne suis pas Gustave Flambeau!
Mon nom est Wallace! Jeff Wallace!
Oh, Dieu!
Bonjour, mon p?re!
Qu'est-ce que vous d?sirez?
Tea, s'il vous pla?t.
- Tea?
- Oui.
- You are fatigued, Father?
- Very.
Then wine is better than tea.
I have something very special.
I show you.
Just wait one moment.
The best wine in the world
comes from France.
?a va sans dire.
And the best wine in France
comes from Burgundy.
And the best wine in Burgundy
comes from the village
where I was born: Fleurency.
Look, I will show you.
Voila. Ici.
Just now, there's a time of the grape harvest.
Oh, Father, you should see
the grape harvest in Fleurency.
Yes.
I think I should.
You go to Cluny and take a little train.
Je veux aller au Fleurency.
Bonjour, chef de gare.
Il faut emp?cher ce train
de partir, imm?diatement.
Je n'ai pas d'ordres ? recevoir de vous.
Il y a un dangereux criminel
qui est dedans.
- Je n'ai pas d'ordres ? recevoir de vous.
- Vite!
- Oh, mais dites-moi, mon ami!
- Le train partira quand m?me!
Emp?chez ce train de partir!
Monsieur!
- Je veux aller au Ch?teau Fleurency.
- I myself go there.
- Good, you speak English!
- Yes, in 1940, in London, after Dunkirk.
I am being pursued by
two dangerous criminals.
Have no fear, Father, we escape them.
- Pas d'essence.
- What?
Out of gas.
De l'essence. Vite! Vite!
- C'est ferm?.
- Au nom de la loi!
- La loi? Ah, la loi! Quelle loi?
- Police.
?a, mon vieux, je les connais,
les trucs comme ?a.
Je n'ai pas le temps ? perdre,
tu comprends?
- Gangster.
- Il a dit gangster?
Gangster? Voulez-vous
me donner de l'essence?
- Pour moi, vous parlez Grec!
- Mais, ?coutez-moi, enfin!
- What's he talking about?
- It's difficult to translate.
- Voulez vou me donner...
- Laissez-moi partir!
- Je vais a la vendange!
- But what is he talking about?
Le raisin n'attend personne.
- Mais ?coutez-moi, enfin!
- Filez!
Well?
He is going to the wine harvest
and the grape waits for no man.
Nor does Father Brown!
An unexpected honour, Father.
Excellent! I congratulate you.
And I congratulate you.
How did you find out?
"And the scent shall be
as the wine of Lebanon. "
- Father, we drink together.
- Thank you.
Who is the Prince and where are
the dwelling places of the wicked?
If you do not drink,
at least we'll dance.
They shall seek me early,
but shall not find me.
Bon soir.
He's gone.
The wine is not gone.
You foolish man.
It's all your fault.
The least you can do is
to tell me where he lives.
Up the hill.
In the morning,
I will drive you there.
In the morning,
he might not be there.
Qu'est-ce que tu veux, toi?
Have you seen a priest?
Oh, va te faire voir, toi!
- Qu'est-ce que vous voulez?
- The Duke.
Monsieur le Duc n'est pas l?.
It makes one curiouser.
You silly dogs,
lying where it's so hot.
Come over here,
where it's nice and cool.
A tray to be taken somewhere
and nowhere to take it.
Dogs panting with heat
when they could be cool.
A useless bit oiled for use.
It's all so nonsensical,
it must make sense.
The only visible door leads to nowhere.
There must be an invisible
door leading somewhere.
Mais qu'est-ce que vous faites l??
- Madame!
- Mademoiselle.
Pardon. Je... Je veux...
It will be easier if we speak English.
- Oh, you speak English.
- Evidently.
Then you were his governess,
I suppose?
I was.
Where was his nursery, I wonder?
I regret, but I must ask you to leave.
What an interesting fireplace.
As Father Brown is
in our house, he is our guest.
Perhaps you would
like to see my nursery.
And my toys.
Appalling.
An odd word to apply to the finest
private collection in the world.
What is appalling is that it is private.
You're the first person
to have the privilege of seeing it.
Look at my El Greco.
- Yours?
- Mine.
This, I believe, is yours.
So that's how you traced me!
Thank you.
I wondered where I'd lost it.
You didn't lose it.
I stole it.
We have something in common, then.
All men do.
That is the secret of
the confessional, you know.
That the more you learn
about other people,
the more you understand yourself.
And the more you learn
about yourself,
the more you understand other people.
There's only one thing you have
to understand about me: our motto
The best things are always free.
Thank you.
I know a little Latin.
But it's not true, you know.
Actually,
my El Greco cost me a great deal.
Have you ever walked
slowly past armed guards
with every nerve in your body
telling you to run
and then scaled a 20-foot wall
with your heart in your mouth
and the police at your feet?
I've paid for my collection.
Not in the currency of shopkeepers,
but in the currency of human fear.
And conquered that fear.
- You're still afraid.
- Not any longer.
Why else should you have
devised for yourself
a beautiful but sterile prison?
Prison? A paradise.
A gorgeous paradise, isn't it?
Where you sit clutching to yourself
this magnificent heap of onions.
Onions?
There was an old woman
who did only one
good deed in her life.
She gave an onion to a beggar.
And then she died
and went to hell.
But an angel took pity on her
and let down from Heaven a string
to which the onion was attached
and began to pull her up.
And,
as the woman clutched the onion,
the other damned souls
reached for it too,
but she screamed at them,
"Let go! It's mine!"
And the moment she said
"mine", the string snapped
and, with the onion
still clutched in her hand,
back she tumbled into Hell.
I beg your pardon. Into Paradise.
The angel with the flaming umbrella.
I thought you were a great sinner.
You're only a small one.
How disappointing.
I came, expecting to find a desperate secret...
...and a desperate man.
I find instead...
...a rocking horse.
I like your rocking horse!
- It was yours, I suppose?
- Yes.
Pity you've never outgrown it.
I'm afraid I must go now.
I have other work to do.
Not before I've given you this.
It's yours now.
It's not mine.
I made you a promise.
Please, accept it.
Don't you see I can't?
Unless you are willing to
give back everything else.
You want an outrageous price.
I don't want anything.
Monsieur le Duc,
il y a des policiers en bas.
The police have
an unfortunate habit
of interrupting our conversations
just when they begin
to be interesting.
I must beg your leave to leave you.
Even though
you will be a day late,
His Eminence
looks forward to seeing you.
He wants to congratulate you
on bringing home your harvest.
I've only brought home
half the harvest.
Not half.
I'm sorry to have failed.
Inspector Valentine
will confirm me in saying
that the civil proceedings have
conveniently been dropped.
The Attorney General
has entered a 'noli prosequi'.
I spoke to the Home Secretary
this morning.
We were at school together.
You'll probably be interested in this.
"One of the most remarkable exhibitions
in the history of crime and detection
is to be held in the Louvre Museum,
Paris, from Monday next.
The particular intention
of the Flambeau Exhibition
is to pay tribute to the perspicacity,
ingenuity and tenacity
of Inspector Dubois,
of the S?ret? Nationale,
who recovered the stolen property. "
Pardon, monsieur, can you direct
me to the Exposition Flambeau?
Exposition de quoi?
C'est par ici, monsieur.
- Merci.
- Je vous en prie.
C'est joli, n'est-ce pas?
Oui, c'est tr?s beau.
Oui.
The Gospel according to St Luke,
the 15th chapter, the 20th verse.
"And rising up, he came to his father.
And when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him
and was moved with compassion
and, running to him,
fell upon his neck and kissed him.
And the son said to him,
'Father, I have sinned
against Heaven and before Thee.
I am not now worthy
to be called Thy son. '
And the father said to his servants,
'Bring forth quickly the
first robe and put it on him
and put a ring on his hand
and shoes on his feet
and bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it,
and let us eat and make merry.
Because this...
my son...
was dead...
and is come to life again.
was lost...
and is found. '
And they began to be merry. "
- Brown.
- You're sure it isn't Smith or Jones?
- No, no, Brown.
Ignatius Brown. After Saint
Ignatius Loyola, you understand.
Ig... natius... Brown.
You are charged that,
at 3am on 7th August,
you were on enclosed premises
for a burglarious purpose.
Oh, no, quite the reverse!
You see, I was there for
a non-burglarious purpose.
One of my parishioners,
whose name my duty
forbids me to tell you,
committed the burglary.
I prevailed upon him
to let me uncommit it.
When these gentlemen arrived,
I was in the process
of restoring the swag.
I believe that's what it's called? Swag?
Better explain all that
to the court in the morning.
Will you empty your pockets, please?
One watch.
- One watch.
- One box of matches.
- One box of matches.
- One piece of string.
One piece of string.
- One shilling, silver, two pennies, bronze.
- One shilling, silver, two pennies, bronze.
- One Bible.
- One breviary.
One book.
- One bar of milk chocolate.
- One bar of milk chocolate.
Your glasses, please.
Oh, is that really necessary?
I'm as blind as a bat without them.
Though I often wonder
whether all bats are really blind,
any more than all lords
are drunk or all judges sober.
This way, please.
Would it be possible to
return me the bar of chocolate?
I had no dinner.
Pax vobiscum.
I've never been in a cell before.
Except a monastery cell, of course.
Right. Hold on a sec.
Get me "known to operate
disguised as clergymen", will you?
Then there's Alfred Baggs,
alias Father O'Hara.
Specialises in door-to-door
collection for missionary work.
Height, 6'3". Saintly type, silvery hair.
No good?
Wilfred Llewellyn. Oh, no, he won't do.
Went down for three years last month.
Jimmy Telford, specialises in
picking pockets on racecourses.
Open-air, country parson type,
you know. Dog collar and tweeds.
No good? Well, I'm sorry,
old man, I can't help you.
- What alias is he using?
- Brown.
- Brown?
- What's funny?
I'm sorry, old man.
I think you've got the genuine article.
Father Brown.
He's an odd one. Amateur detective.
Take my advice, old man.
Get him identified.
Father Brown.
Monsignor! Sorry. So
sorry to have disturbed you.
You will be even sorrier by the
time the Bishop has heard of this.
You identify this person as Father Brown?
I regret to say... yes.
Will you sign there, please?
- Would you care to have a cup of tea?
- I would, but I haven't time.
Thank you for your hospitality.
It's been most interesting.
Father! You're in trouble, Father?
I'm disappointed in you, Bert.
- I'm sorry, Father, it was...
- Firstly because you did wrong.
Secondly, because you
did wrong in the wrong way.
Frankly, you are an incompetent thief.
- Well, I wouldn't go that far.
- I would.
You're clearly incapable
of earning a dishonest living.
Why not experiment with an honest one?
You don't know what you're asking.
I think I do.
- Can you drive a car?
- Me drive a car?
I drove the boys when they done Asprey's.
Straight up Bond Street, down Bruton Street,
ditched the car on Adam's Row,
then back to Hounslow by tube.
Can I drive a car!
Because a friend of mine needs a chauffeur.
I'd think about it if I were you.
Of course, I'm not you.
- Sold.
- Good.
Perhaps you think a crime horrible
because you cannot imagine
yourselves committing it.
That isn't true, you know.
What really horrifies you
is the secret and shameful knowledge
that you are capable of committing it.
We all are, I no less than you.
We were not made
good people or bad people.
We were made people.
A great man once said of a
poor creature going to execution,
"There but for the grace of God go I."
That grace is infinite.
It is there for the forgetful child.
It is there for the wealthy,
who surround themselves with luxury
but cut themselves off
from human contacts.
It is there for all of us,
for God abandons no one.
But though his mercy
is there for us to accept,
we must not presume on it.
Or, as my text from Jeremiah tells us,
"He that maketh haste to be rich
shall not go unpunished. "
He that maketh haste to be rich
shall not go unpunished.
- Sorry.
- What for?
For intruding.
You always stop to look at it.
It belonged to St Augustine.
It has a strange feeling...
Over 12 centuries...
It's very beautiful.
- Is it valuable?
- No. Not valuable.
Priceless.
It is more than two years now
since your husband died.
Yes.
He wouldn't have wished you to
have mourned so long, you know.
I suppose not.
Each day, I tell myself
that tomorrow I will forget.
And each tomorrow...
Oh, you have a new chauffeur.
- But he...
- Smashing good sermon today, Father.
Thank you, Bert. And an
interesting text, didn't you think?
I must warn you, Lady Warren,
he was once nearly arrested.
For speeding.
All right?
That's one of the neatest
donkey's whistles I've ever seen.
Father Brown!
Brawling. And on Sunday.
Sunday's the only day Charlie finds
it convenient to give me instruction.
Well, I'm down at the track weekdays, see?
A not unprofitable occupation,
you will observe.
Done like a master!
You know, the Father would have
made a wonderful oyster
if he'd started young enough.
- Oyster?
- Pickpocket.
Be that as it may, the Bishop
wishes to see you at once.
Furthermore, I think he would prefer to
see you correctly dressed for the occasion.
Of course. It won't take a moment.
You may show in Inspector Wilkins.
My lord, before the Inspector arrives,
that unfortunate incident with the police...
Has been forgotten.
You are here to discuss an incident
which has not yet arisen
but which is likely to arise.
Now then, you will
undoubtedly have read
that the Eucharistic Congress
will meet next week in Rome.
Yes.
We have decided to send to the
Congress the Holy Cross of St Augustine.
My cross? How nice!
Not entirely.
The Inspector informs us that an eminent criminal
proposes to intercept the cross en route.
That's right, sir. Gustav Flambeau.
Flambeau? Oh, not Flambeau!
- You know him?
- I know of him. Who doesn't know of him?
He stole the El Greco
from the Louvre in broad daylight.
He's been stealing
priceless treasures for ten years.
And the police don't even know
what he looks like.
He's a human chameleon,
a master of disguise, you might say.
Oh, I would like to meet him!
The purpose of this interview is
to frustrate such an encounter.
The Inspector will outline his plan to you.
At 0930 hours on Friday next,
the cross will be collected by Humber car.
Driver will sign in the name Wheatley.
Car will then proceed to London Airport.
West Road... Roundabout...
Lorry pulled up... No, no!
- Father Brown, are you all right?
- Baggage. Jostle. Switch. No, no!
Father Brown!
Oh, no, no. Won't do at all. Not at all.
You see, I have just stolen the cross.
- You have stolen the cross?
- In three different ways.
In imagination, I forgot to say.
So if I, an amateur,
can steal the cross in three ways,
only think what Flambeau might do.
- Oh, a police escort is out of the question.
- Now, look here sir...
Don't you see? All this paraphernalia,
police cars, codenames,
can only attract Flambeau's attention.
Then what would you,
as an amateur, suggest?
Where would a wise man hide a leaf?
In a forest.
Where would a wise man hide a cross?
In a forest of crosses.
We have a forest ready-made for us.
A forest of priests.
A Black Forest, you might say.
Each carrying his cross
and all on their way to Rome.
I will take the cross.
The only safe way to do it.
One priest,
indistinguishable among hundreds,
carrying one cross
undetectable among hundreds.
I think the security arrangements
had better stand.
- I think so.
- My lord...
This is lunacy.
Father Brown, you will you good enough
to leave matters
in the lunatic hands
of the Inspector and myself.
Scotland Yard will continue to inform you
of our further insane decisions.
Meanwhile, good morning.
Silly of me!
No, it was very sensible of me.
Codenames, police cars...
Thank you. All aboard, please, Father!
The train's about to leave.
Thank you very much!
Oh, come on, gentlemen!
The train is about to leave!
Would you mind? Thank you.
Thank you. Thanks very much!
All aboard, there. That's right!
Come on. Ah, gentlemen, please! Go on!
Keep going, Your Eminence.
- You'll make it in a photo finish.
- Pax vobiscum.
Come on, now, in you get!
You're going to miss it! Go on, now.
In you go, in you go!
That's a good boy!
Two!
Three!
- Look here!
- Only three.
- Four?
- Thank you so much.
- Don't mention it.
- I'm afraid I dropped it.
- You did.
- Somewhere else, I mean.
Oh, thank you!
Thank you.
Can I put those up on the rack for you, Father?
No, no, thank you.
- I believe you dropped this, old fellow.
- Oh, thank you.
- Expecting bad weather?
- Oh, no, just a habit.
It'll be a rough crossing.
The notice board at Victoria said smooth.
Rough. This barometer has never failed me.
It belonged to Admiral Lord Nelson.
The surest precaution against sea sickness
is two lightly boiled eggs
and a half bottle of champagne.
Go up now, look toward the sea.
I Kings, 18:43.
And it came to pass and meanwhile...
that the heaven was black with clouds
and wind and there was a great rain.
Might get a bit choppy further out!
I'm... afraid...
I must go
and share the sufferings of our brethren.
Two lightly boiled eggs
and half a bottle of champagne.
Dear!
Admiral Lord Nelson himself
was sick every time he went to sea.
You're a good sailor, Father.
I don't know yet.
I've never been out of England before.
But I took the precaution
of having no breakfast.
On the principle that
what doesn't go down can't come up, eh?
- Going to Rome on business, I suppose?
- Our Father's business, yes.
Me too. Arthur Dobson's the name.
Motor cars' me game.
Jaguar.
- Lovely car, the Jaguar.
- Certainly is. Always drive one myself.
Though I feel they made a mistake
in incorporating
a single downdraft carburettor.
Very good in high gear,
but makes her sluggish in low.
Nevertheless, beautiful to handle,
I've been told.
You ought to be a salesman, Father.
- I suppose I am, in a way.
- But you've got a ready-made market.
I wouldn't say that.
Sometimes I have
to sell on the instalment system.
Oh, dear!
Perhaps I should have
had some breakfast after all.
- I'll look after those for you.
- No, no, no, thank you.
Ta-ta, Father!
You seem disturbed, Father.
By that gentleman.
He told me he was a motor salesman.
Well, he looks as if he might be.
What motor salesman would agree that the
Jaguar has a single downdraft carburettor?
Keep moving, please!
I'm afraid that particular heresy escapes me.
There never was a model except with twin
horizontal automatic choke carburettors.
No, no. He's not what he pretends to be.
Why should that alarm you?
Keep moving, please.
Don't block the gangway!
May I take you into my confidence, please?
Then you think it's possible
that Mr Dobson might be the criminal?
More than possible.
- Let me put those on the rack for you.
- Is that wise?
There are two of us to guard them now.
A danger shared is a danger halved.
You see, the difficulty is that no one
knows what this criminal looks like.
Any man might be he.
Pardon, mon p?re. Mon p?re.
We meet again!
M. Inspecteur, would you please find me
a place in a non smocking compartement?
It's intolerable here
in the presence of these gentlemen.
If madame will wait a moment.
A disgusting habit!
But a very useful one, sometimes.
A friend of mine,
Captain Chavaz, of the Foreign Legion.
Leg all chopped off. Non anesth?sique.
Smoked the pipe all through the operation.
Never felt a thing.
- Good Lord!
- What was he smoking?
Opium!
- Madame, will you accompany me?
- With pleasure!
Madame s'en va, s'en va...
Excuse me, madame, but I think that
that parcel belongs to Father Brown.
May I ask, how do you know my name?
Oh, your suitcase is labeled BROWN.
The rest of you is labeled FATHER
Guido. Make the best wines.
If you are better than your thirst
they are grateful.
If you're worse, they are not surprised.
I'm going back trois jours to Mary Bourne.
'Commanded the widow woman there
to sustain thee.'
I, Kings, 17:9.
I'm giving a try
to stretch my legs in the corridor.
So do I.
You do really seem
beset by the hosts of Midian.
I think we are reasonably safe
while in the train,
but I gather we have
to change trains in Paris.
Not only trains but stations.
We'll be there for two hours.
- Two hours, in Paris.
- You're not acquainted with Paris?
- Only by repute.
- Fortunately, I am.
I was in a Jesuit seminary there
for three years.
- If I can be of any assistance...
- You are most kind.
Are you familiar with
the Paris underground railway?
- Tolerably well.
- Splendid.
- Then we shall simply go in the smoke.
- It's an electrical railway.
I used a criminal expression,
meaning to evade one's pursuers.
- Usually, of course, the police.
- I see.
A simple but effective ruse,
taught me by one of the lambs in my flock.
- A strange flock.
- Oh, not strange, just human.
Albert was a dear fellow.
Where do you think he is now?
- In prison?
- In a monastery.
- Life is full of surprises, isn't it?
- One never dreams how full.
- Inspector Valentine?
- Yes.
I'm Inspector Dubois of the S?rete Nationale.
Superbly done, Father.
How Albert would have admired your skill.
Ah, food at last!
Coffee with milk and a cheese sandwich.
Un caf? au lait et un sandwich fromage,
et pour moi,
un caf? noir et un sandwich jambon.
One cheese sandwich,
one ham sandwich. OK.
I am afraid Albert
would not have admired my skill.
It seems as though Mr Dobson,
like the poor, is always with us.
Foolish to take that bus.
They would join us immediately.
- Yes.
- As it's only half full.
But if we were to capture the last two seats...
If I may say so, a smoke of an almost
Mozartian elegance and simplicity.
Can you see how many seats are left?
Eleven.
Two more in. Nine.
Eight.
Five, and we should prepare to leave.
Mademoiselle!
- Prenez, je vous dois.
- Merci.
Four.
- Would you look after these, please?
- Oui.
Gardez la monnaie, je vous en prie.
Merci, mon p?re.
Police, police! Attendez nous!
Taxi!
Taxi! Taxi!
Taxi!
Don't the police in France
come before a pair of lovers?
In Paris, on a warm afternoon?
I'm afraid not.
Ah, courage, mon vieux.
Aux catacombes, en vitesse!
Allez! Pousse-toi de la, toi. Allez!
Thank you.
You are English.
And why does he arrest you?
And all of us the same.
We have done nothing. Nothing!
Sale flic!
You are English. You like some postcards?
This view is very interesting, no?
Good day, good Fathers. Please follow me.
The catacombes were formerly
the stone quarries of Paris.
When Paris was rebuilt,
the bones from many churches
and cemeteries were transferred here.
It is estimated that the remains of five
million human beings are preserved here.
Fascinating. Not even a rat
would find us in this maze.
S?ret? Nationale.
Une lampe electrique. Vite, vite!
We're quite certain
not to be disturbed here.
Splendid.
I've been longing for a quiet little
talk with you, Monsieur Flambeau.
How foolish of me to have
underestimated you.
If I may ask,
how long have you known?
Since the little caf?.
You ordered a ham sandwich.
Oh, really unworthy of you.
A ham sandwich on a Friday?
Up till then, a brilliant masquerade.
You flatter me, Father.
But you puzzle me also.
If you knew that I am who I am,
why, then, have we been
escaping from the others?
Well, obviously.
If you were Flambeau, then
the others must be the police.
You puzzle me even more.
If they were the police,
surely you would have contrived
to keep close to them?
Don't you see? If they had
caught you then I couldn't have.
And I want you on behalf of a
higher authority than they do.
Oh, please!
When I was a child,
I was stuffed with religion like
a Strasbourg goose with grain.
I have no appetite left.
When you were a child,
you understood as a child.
You thought as a child.
But now you have become a man.
And you have not
put away childish things.
We're wasting each other's time.
That parcel.
Who was the devil who taught you that?
You don't have to tell me.
One of the lambs in your flock,
now in a monastery, I suppose?
Oh, no, in a gymnasium.
- I wish you'd tell me why you steal.
- Quite frankly, because I enjoy it.
- Why do you enjoy it?
- Because I do it so well.
Or... usually do.
But why try to steal my poor
cross? It isn't worth very much.
- Perhaps I just want to look at it.
- Other people want to look at it too.
I don't care about other people.
How terrible for you.
You've stolen priceless things.
The El Greco, the Imperial Crown,
but they're valueless because
you cannot hope to sell them.
I do not steal to sell.
You don't understand the difference
between price and value.
How strange.
The spiritual man seems to be more
material than the material one.
I begin to understand what you are.
I would like to know who you are.
Oh, you're Flambeau, of course.
But who is Flambeau?
That's a secret that must
remain between him and me.
Your rats have found
their way to the cheese.
There are miles like this.
It would take us a week to search thoroughly.
Courage, mon ami.
And my shoes will be ruined.
But one shout from you,
your cross would have been saved
and I would have been in prison.
You are in prison.
The prison of your own arrogance.
I would like to set you free.
Ah, now I begin
to understand what you are.
You want me for your private crusade.
It would seem, Father,
that in your own way,
you are as arrogant as I am.
My compliments to the lamb.
A most effective hold, while it lasted.
Well, on the principle of
what goes in must come out,
we'll wait here all day, if necessary.
And now to look at my new toy.
I'm afraid it isn't there.
I took the precaution of
switching parcels at the caf?.
Exquisite!
But I shall have to admire it later.
You must realise, Father, to your regret,
that there is a great difference
between a good amateur
and a good professional.
I saw you switch parcels,
so I simply switched them back.
A tiresome clich? of my profession.
What a pity you waste your talents.
Hardly waste.
Goodbye, Father.
A three-fold cord is not easily broken.
Ecclesiastes, 4:12.
Au revoir, my son.
And God go with you.
You will not be left in discomfort
longer than is necessary.
Ah, gardien. Est-ce qu'on a vu deux pr?tres?
No, have you seen two priests?
One short and fat, the other tall.
Take your choice, monsieur.
Excuse me, gentlemen,
but we've reason to believe
there's a criminal inside.
Did any of you see anything
suspicious while you were in there?
Permettez, monsieur! Permettez, monsieur!
- I heard something.
- What? Where?
Third corridor to the right.
Brown paper at the entrance to the cave.
The parcel of Father Brown!
I do not know to what charges
your egomaniac folly has laid
you open in the criminal courts.
In that respect, I am happy to say that
your knowledge is greater than mine.
But I do know you will have
to appear before another court,
in the person of the Archbishop,
who believes your conduct to have
been reckless and insubordinate.
You doubtless realise that,
in the event of his continuing in this belief,
you will be deprived of your parish.
Oh, dear. Is it as bad as that?
You would do well to display more
contrition before the Archbishop
than you show before me.
My lord,
for my failure, I am contrite,
but for my intentions I am not and cannot be.
You see, I gambled the cross
for the soul of Flambeau.
I like to think St Augustine
would have agreed with me.
I doubt if the Archbishop
will agree with you.
I wish he would.
Because I believe that,
given time, I could get back both.
Before you can recover Flambeau's
soul, you must find his body.
A task which the police of five countries
have been trying to achieve
for ten years without success.
- I believe I can succeed.
- How?
I don't know yet. But I believe I can.
I am powerless to prevent your
appearance before His Eminence.
However, if, before that appearance,
you could bring in this harvest...
Oh, thank you.
- When is the appearance?
- In two weeks' time.
I'd better start at once.
What progress have you made?
Looking for a black cat in a coal
hole during an eclipse of the sun
would be a child's task
compared with mine.
You put me in mind of a child's poem:
As I was walking up the stair,
I met a man who wasn't there,
He wasn't there again today,
I wish that he would go away.
I wish that he would come my way.
Don't give up.
You've still got nine days.
And don't forget, you're
dining with me on Friday.
How many swans are there
on the Thames, I wonder?
Shall we say 7,000?
And suppose one of you is Flambeau.
How would I know?
I met a swan who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
But you are here again today, Inspector.
Not by choice.
You'd make things very
much easier for us both
if you told us what
you know of Flambeau.
I cannot tell you what I do not know.
All I know is that he walks upon two legs
and his head grows above his shoulders.
But what goes on inside that head?
You realise that obstruction of the police
in the execution of their duty
is a criminal offence?
And what of the obstruction you
offer me in the execution of my duty?
That is an offence too,
Inspector, of a more serious kind.
I want to help a man.
To cure him of the sickness in his soul.
You want to put him in prison
because of that sickness.
How can I possibly help you?
By telling us what
you know of Flambeau.
Otherwise there'll be
serious consequences.
Silly fellow. Preposterous.
Really, I'd have much
preferred to dine alone.
...suffer fools gladly.
Unless, of course, you tell me
what it is you're muttering about.
Suffer fools gladly.
St Paul tells us to suffer fools gladly but
sometimes I find it impossible to do.
Are you, by any chance,
referring to me?
No! No, no, no, no.
That silly policeman.
After all, science means
no more than knowledge.
A criminal is first and
foremost a human being.
If they don't know that,
they know nothing.
And what would you have them do?
What is it that you do?
I try...
I try to get so far inside a man...
that I can move his arms and legs...
think his thoughts...
wrestle with his passions...
until, in fact, I become the criminal.
Except for the final consent to the crime.
It is only then that I can
sometimes help a man.
But I have utterly failed to become
Flambeau or to be able to help him.
Look.
It's by Boudin.
When I look at a picture with so much life
I always find it hard to be depressed.
I'm so glad you agree.
Now you must look at
my greatest treasure.
They were created by Benvenuto Cellini
the only set he's ever
known to have made.
And this is really beautiful.
Rodin's The Hand of God.
- Father!
- Benvenuto.
Bait.
Fishers of men.
Rodin's The Hand of God.
The Hand Of God.
Father, are you all right?
Oh, much more than all right.
You see, I have just committed
Flambeau's next crime.
- I'm afraid I don't see at all.
- Neither did I, at first.
So simple.
If Mohammed cannot
go to the mountain,
then the mountain
must come to Mohammed.
- What are you talking about?
- Fishing, of course.
Lady Warren,
you must put that magnificent
chess set up for auction.
But this is preposterous. Why, there
isn't another one in the world like it.
That's why Flambeau
will attempt to steal it.
Now, to make sure the fish
becomes aware of the bait...
May I?
Why you should start asking
my permission at this stage?
I have many good friends
in the newspaper world.
For heaven's sake, tell me,
which one of them is he?
Any one of those might be.
- Lady Warren?
- Yes?
- Il Conte della Molle.
- Yes?
Oh, I'm desolated.
You do not remember.
Che peccato! I assure you.
When the Cellini Society chose me
to bid for this masterpiece, I thought,
whatever happens, at least
I shall see Lady Warren again.
Tell me, have you always worn a beard?
Only for the last 20 years.
Do you remember ever
having seen him before?
No. And, indeed, he
would be hard to forget.
Surely Flambeau wouldn't draw
attention to himself in that way?
It's just the sort of thing he would do.
Oh, my word!
What's the matter?
There's a fish I hadn't expected to hook.
Who? No! I can guess.
- It's your scientific policeman!
- Yes.
He seems at least unscientific
enough to have understood
- what you were going to do.
- I'm afraid so.
Lady Warren, ma'am?
I am Sam Judson,
out of San Antonio, Texas.
It isn't often we from Texas
get a chance to shake a real,
live lady by the hand, ma'am.
It isn't often that we in London
have the privilege of
meeting a real, live Texan.
You sure talk like a lady.
You know, I've come 5,000
miles to buy this set of yours.
It'll go well down on my ranch.
- Will it really?
- Yeah, ma'am.
I got myself a swell games room,
with solid gold poker chips,
solid gold chequers and a
solid gold ping-pong table.
- And solid gold ping-pong balls?
- No, ma'am, they wouldn't bounce.
Well, I'd better get
set to rope this steer.
I feared for a moment he
was going to take my hand
back to Texas with him, even
though it isn't made of gold.
I doubt if even Flambeau
could have invented him.
My lords, ladies and gentlemen,
I first present to you lot n? 1,
a chess set in gold and silver,
attributed to Benvenuto Cellini.
Thank you.
If I may remind you of the
words of another great master,
"to unite elegance and utility, and
blend the useful with the agreeable,
has ever been considered a
difficult, but honourable task. "
Thank you.
My apologies. My aeroplane was late.
Lady Warren.
Yes?
I have long looked forward
to this meeting.
Yes?
Sir Percival and I had many
delightful games of chess in Istanbul.
My husband, to my knowledge,
was never in Istanbul.
Then it must have been New Delhi.
Modern travel is so confusing.
Only think. I read the news of your impending sale
while I was on safari in Tanganyika yesterday.
The rhinoceros I was about to shoot was spared.
And I hurried to be
with you in London today.
I'm surprised that the newspapers could reach you so quickly.
One of my private planes brings
me the papers wherever I may be.
How many private planes have you?
About as many as I have elephants.
I give up.
Now, who will open
the bidding for me at ?10,000?
$50,000.
I am bid ?17,857, 2 shillings and 10 pence.
I think it would be easier, sir,
if we were to conduct
the bidding in pounds sterling.
Any advance? I am bid ?20,000.
21.
22.
23.
Is that a bid, sir?
Oh, no! No!
Then, it is 23,000, I'm bid.
- 25.
- Guineas.
That is the equivalent, sir, of $26,250.
27.
Guineas.
30,000.
Pounds?
No, them other things.
30,000 guineas, I'm bid.
50.
Guineas?
No. Them other things.
?50,000, I'm bid.
The bidding is against you, sir.
It can stay that way.
Tiffany's can make me
something bigger and cheaper.
Then, the bidding rests at ?50,000.
Any advance?
Going...
Not going at all.
Going...
Most disappointing.
Gone.
Please, do accept this little gift
in gratitude for the many delightful games
I've played with your husband.
He was a master of the Steinitz Defence.
Well, never mind, it was
exciting while it lasted.
It's just beginning to get exciting.
Please! Stand back!
I am sorry, my lady.
Never mind. It wasn't your fault.
Thank you, ma'am.
It wasn't his fault!
No, it wasn't.
It was mine.
I tripped him.
Well, even so, there's no harm done.
None, except that Flambeau has
just got away with your chess set.
Then why are we sitting here?
Because he is sitting there.
Lot n? 2. A landscape with animal and
human figures by Sir Edwin Landseer.
Will anyone bid me ?3?
While we can't see him, he can't see us.
Won't somebody bid me ?3?
Lot n? 3, a peculiarly fine blue
and white vase of the Ming dynasty.
Lot n? 4...
Truly, pride goeth before destruction.
- And a haughty spirit before a fall.
- Proverbs, 16:18.
Father, will you please cease dropping
things and shushing and introduce us?
- We've met before I think, madame.
- I don't think so.
The first moment of our meeting
is emblazoned on my mind,
- when I tripped over Father Brown's feet.
- Umbrella.
However, to regularise the situation.
Monsieur Gustav Flambeau, Lady Warren.
Father Brown has often
spoken to me of you.
I would that he had divided his
kindness and spoken to me of you,
instead of leaving me to read
your name in a newspaper.
Which brings me to the
purpose of this intrusion.
It's seldom that a poor man
can outdo a rich one but
what a maharajah can
offer you with his money,
I presume to offer you
with my skill.
If you'll accept, my
pleasure will exceed his.
But why take all the trouble to
steal it, only to give it back again?
The acts that we do
for no evident reason
are sometimes
the most rational ones.
Then, there being no evident reason
why I should accept your gift,
I'm delighted to do so.
Pardon, my lady,
but the awful people
are coming up the drive.
What awful people?
- It is not my at home day.
- I think he means the police.
Bert, we must get Monsieur
Flambeau away immediately.
Did you say Flambeau?
- It's a pleasure, guv!
- Bert!
- Come on. We've just got time.
- I hope so.
You shall have. I will
delay the awful people.
- Au revoir, monsieur.
- ? bient?t, j'?sp?re, Madame.
Come on, guv!
Wait, Bert. I've got a better idea.
- Where's the driver?
- Having a beer across the road.
He says driving this stuff
makes him thirsty.
Good!
All right!
Sorry to have kept you waiting,
but my staff's away for the day.
That's all right, madame.
I'm here on behalf of the...
I'm afraid if you're selling
brushes, we're already supplied.
I always get mine at
the Army & Navy stores.
No, I'm not here to sell brushes.
Nor do I receive salesmen,
except at the tradesman's entrance.
So if you'll excuse me...
Madame, I'm here
in the name of the law.
The law? Oh, how nice!
And I suppose you're not aware that
that you've been robbed of
your famous Cellini chess set.
Robbed? How absurd!
It's here in the
drawing room as usual.
There it is, you see.
- Interesting.
- Yes, isn't it? Cellini was...
What was interesting was
that when you came in here,
you saw only one thing.
- And what was that?
- You saw what wasn't here.
Or rather who wasn't here.
Drive fast, turn left at the gates.
Your accomplices haven't got a chance.
They'll be intercepted within half an hour.
Half an hour?
Then you've time for a glass of sherry.
- No, thank you.
- Or perhaps a glass of milk?
The milkman seems to have
left rather a lot today.
Do sit down.
My abode is simple,
but it is at your service.
You are most kind.
You're sure we will not
be surprised here?
I should be most surprised if we are.
As I understand the official mind,
they will search every milkman
in London before looking here.
I've been looking forward to this.
- I so enjoyed our last little chat.
- As did I.
But I must warn you,
you will learn no more now
than you did then.
What an exquisite case. May I see?
Your family crest, I suppose.
I'm interested to learn how
you came to trip me up today.
I'm afraid you, as it were,
ate another ham sandwich.
Your face was old,
but your hands were not.
I imagine it's almost impossible
to disguise the hands.
Of course.
Next time, I must wear gloves.
- Need there be a next time?
- Why not?
Why?
Father, at the risk of abusing your hospitality,
may I suggest that you are being inquisitive?
Even if I answered your question,
you would not understand.
How could you, living apart
from the world as you do?
My son...
- Please do not call me your son.
- My son,
you think you are a man of
the world and that I am not.
But I assure you,
my innocent ears encounter every day
stories of a horror that would make
your sophisticated hair stand on end.
Although I wear funny clothes
and have taken certain vows...
I live far more in the world than you do.
Your world, perhaps.
I prefer to live in mine.
Why?
All right, I will tell you why, then
perhaps I will be rid of your moralising.
Because I have
no place in your world.
I was trained as a good swordsman
but, in a world of guns and bombs,
it is no longer regarded
as an accomplishment
to know how to die gracefully at dawn.
I ride a horse well.
But what use is that in a world
of tramlines and petrol fumes?
I love beautiful things.
I cannot afford to buy them.
So, quite simply, I take them
to decorate my world.
- Are you not lonely there?
- If I am, it is because I choose to be.
- Why did you not steal today?
- Because I chose not to.
Because Lady Warren is
a very beautiful woman.
My poor Father,
do not delude yourself that I
will fall into the trap of love
anymore than I will fall
into your trap of preaching.
I am as I am and that
is as I prefer to be.
I'm sorry for you.
You can keep your pity.
I don't want it.
You may need it.
Before you force me to be angry
under your roof,
pray give me leave to leave you.
Wait! I'm trying to help you.
Really, you are like a host
who presses unwanted food on a guest.
I hope you won't mind
if I continue to try.
The matter does not arise,
as we shall not meet again.
Oh, I'm sure we shall.
What are you really after?
Your cross or my soul?
Both, of course.
Well, come and find us.
I'll make you a bargain: whatever
you can find, you shall have.
I accept your bargain.
It would have been
an interesting encounter.
Pity it will never take place.
A duke's coronet
surmounting a flambeau azure.
- Did you say flambeau?
- Flambeau, yes.
An heraldic word meaning torch.
It's not an English coronet.
Almost certainly French.
I'm afraid that many French records were destroyed
at the time of their
unfortunate revolution.
Please inform Father Brown personally
that he's to appear before
the Archbishop next Thursday.
My lord, I thought it proper to
inform you that I've no alternative
but to ask for a warrant for the arrest of Father Brown.
- When do you propose to arrest him?
- As soon as the warrant's issued.
Will the bail be allowed?
That's for the Court to decide. Why do you ask?
Because there's something another
kind of court has to decide.
However, I suppose someone
must catch the hare
before the two jurisdictions start
arguing possession of the body.
Please also inform Father Brown that
the hounds have been unleashed.
I suggest you refer yourself to
the national archives in Paris.
Paris?
My old friend the Vicomte de Verdigris
is the only man alive who can help you.
That is, to say, if he is still alive.
But I'll give you a letter of
introduction to him anyway.
Now what... What was it
I was looking for?
I think you said it was
Reynolds' Lexicon of Heraldry.
Oh, yes, yes, yes...
How kind! So few people nowadays
are interested in
the noble families of France.
The last time I was asked for it
was between the two wars.
Between 1870 and 1914.
Now, whe... where did I put it?
Perhaps this might help.
Oh, what an interesting invention!
One, two, three, H, one, seven.
Ahh, here we are!
Oh! On the very top shelf.
Yes, I remember.
I am not as agile as I was.
The porter will have gone.
Perhaps you would like
to come back tomorrow?
No, tomorrow's Saturday.
- Monday perhaps?
- Monday will be too late.
- Oh, please be careful.
- I'm used to ladders.
Oh, they are not broken.
How fortunate.
I will bring them up to you.
Please, I will bring the book down.
Here.
Oh, thank you so much.
If I can find some new glasses
and come back within the hour...
I'm afraid it will have to be Monday.
This evening, I have a rendezvous
with la Duchesse de Garmonte.
Thank you.
Oh, no, no.
Pardon, monsieur.
- Can I be of any help?
- Oh, thank you.
Can you direct me
to the nearest optician?
That's it!
Monsieur,
these are the best I can arrange
for you at such short notice.
- Your eyes are not easy.
- No.
They will not be perfect
but they will serve.
- Thank you!
- Pas de quoi, monsieur.
- And you, Ignatius Brown...
- All right!
I'll come quietly.
We are almost at number 36.
Which is the same as your Scotland Yard.
Except that it's not so comfortable.
Oh, it will be better for you,
I assure you,
to take us to Flambeau.
Ah, we are almost there, as I said.
All right. I'm ready to cross.
He means he is prepared
to give us the information.
I do have a rendezvous with Flambeau.
Where?
Down there.
No, you must not be seen
otherwise he will take alarming, please.
The man I'll speak to will be your man.
All right.
Excuse me.
- Do you speak English?
- Sure.
Have you noticed the river
has started flowing backwards?
If you hadn't told me
I never would have noticed.
And the sun is moving from West to East.
And those trees, instead of growing...
are shrinking down into the ground.
All of which suggest to me
that the course of History
has started to unwind
and that we are approaching
the end of the world.
In that case, I'd better be going.
Thanks for the tip!
Gustave Flambeau, c'est la Police.
Et vous avez venir tout de suite.
- Police?
- Allez, allez, venez!
- Qu'est-ce que vous faites?
- Allons, pas de discussion!
- Venez tout de suite!
- Come along!
Hey! I demand to be taken
to the American Consulate!
Allez, allez, pas de discussion! Venez!
Je ne suis pas Gustave Flambeau!
Mon nom est Wallace! Jeff Wallace!
Oh, Dieu!
Bonjour, mon p?re!
Qu'est-ce que vous d?sirez?
Tea, s'il vous pla?t.
- Tea?
- Oui.
- You are fatigued, Father?
- Very.
Then wine is better than tea.
I have something very special.
I show you.
Just wait one moment.
The best wine in the world
comes from France.
?a va sans dire.
And the best wine in France
comes from Burgundy.
And the best wine in Burgundy
comes from the village
where I was born: Fleurency.
Look, I will show you.
Voila. Ici.
Just now, there's a time of the grape harvest.
Oh, Father, you should see
the grape harvest in Fleurency.
Yes.
I think I should.
You go to Cluny and take a little train.
Je veux aller au Fleurency.
Bonjour, chef de gare.
Il faut emp?cher ce train
de partir, imm?diatement.
Je n'ai pas d'ordres ? recevoir de vous.
Il y a un dangereux criminel
qui est dedans.
- Je n'ai pas d'ordres ? recevoir de vous.
- Vite!
- Oh, mais dites-moi, mon ami!
- Le train partira quand m?me!
Emp?chez ce train de partir!
Monsieur!
- Je veux aller au Ch?teau Fleurency.
- I myself go there.
- Good, you speak English!
- Yes, in 1940, in London, after Dunkirk.
I am being pursued by
two dangerous criminals.
Have no fear, Father, we escape them.
- Pas d'essence.
- What?
Out of gas.
De l'essence. Vite! Vite!
- C'est ferm?.
- Au nom de la loi!
- La loi? Ah, la loi! Quelle loi?
- Police.
?a, mon vieux, je les connais,
les trucs comme ?a.
Je n'ai pas le temps ? perdre,
tu comprends?
- Gangster.
- Il a dit gangster?
Gangster? Voulez-vous
me donner de l'essence?
- Pour moi, vous parlez Grec!
- Mais, ?coutez-moi, enfin!
- What's he talking about?
- It's difficult to translate.
- Voulez vou me donner...
- Laissez-moi partir!
- Je vais a la vendange!
- But what is he talking about?
Le raisin n'attend personne.
- Mais ?coutez-moi, enfin!
- Filez!
Well?
He is going to the wine harvest
and the grape waits for no man.
Nor does Father Brown!
An unexpected honour, Father.
Excellent! I congratulate you.
And I congratulate you.
How did you find out?
"And the scent shall be
as the wine of Lebanon. "
- Father, we drink together.
- Thank you.
Who is the Prince and where are
the dwelling places of the wicked?
If you do not drink,
at least we'll dance.
They shall seek me early,
but shall not find me.
Bon soir.
He's gone.
The wine is not gone.
You foolish man.
It's all your fault.
The least you can do is
to tell me where he lives.
Up the hill.
In the morning,
I will drive you there.
In the morning,
he might not be there.
Qu'est-ce que tu veux, toi?
Have you seen a priest?
Oh, va te faire voir, toi!
- Qu'est-ce que vous voulez?
- The Duke.
Monsieur le Duc n'est pas l?.
It makes one curiouser.
You silly dogs,
lying where it's so hot.
Come over here,
where it's nice and cool.
A tray to be taken somewhere
and nowhere to take it.
Dogs panting with heat
when they could be cool.
A useless bit oiled for use.
It's all so nonsensical,
it must make sense.
The only visible door leads to nowhere.
There must be an invisible
door leading somewhere.
Mais qu'est-ce que vous faites l??
- Madame!
- Mademoiselle.
Pardon. Je... Je veux...
It will be easier if we speak English.
- Oh, you speak English.
- Evidently.
Then you were his governess,
I suppose?
I was.
Where was his nursery, I wonder?
I regret, but I must ask you to leave.
What an interesting fireplace.
As Father Brown is
in our house, he is our guest.
Perhaps you would
like to see my nursery.
And my toys.
Appalling.
An odd word to apply to the finest
private collection in the world.
What is appalling is that it is private.
You're the first person
to have the privilege of seeing it.
Look at my El Greco.
- Yours?
- Mine.
This, I believe, is yours.
So that's how you traced me!
Thank you.
I wondered where I'd lost it.
You didn't lose it.
I stole it.
We have something in common, then.
All men do.
That is the secret of
the confessional, you know.
That the more you learn
about other people,
the more you understand yourself.
And the more you learn
about yourself,
the more you understand other people.
There's only one thing you have
to understand about me: our motto
The best things are always free.
Thank you.
I know a little Latin.
But it's not true, you know.
Actually,
my El Greco cost me a great deal.
Have you ever walked
slowly past armed guards
with every nerve in your body
telling you to run
and then scaled a 20-foot wall
with your heart in your mouth
and the police at your feet?
I've paid for my collection.
Not in the currency of shopkeepers,
but in the currency of human fear.
And conquered that fear.
- You're still afraid.
- Not any longer.
Why else should you have
devised for yourself
a beautiful but sterile prison?
Prison? A paradise.
A gorgeous paradise, isn't it?
Where you sit clutching to yourself
this magnificent heap of onions.
Onions?
There was an old woman
who did only one
good deed in her life.
She gave an onion to a beggar.
And then she died
and went to hell.
But an angel took pity on her
and let down from Heaven a string
to which the onion was attached
and began to pull her up.
And,
as the woman clutched the onion,
the other damned souls
reached for it too,
but she screamed at them,
"Let go! It's mine!"
And the moment she said
"mine", the string snapped
and, with the onion
still clutched in her hand,
back she tumbled into Hell.
I beg your pardon. Into Paradise.
The angel with the flaming umbrella.
I thought you were a great sinner.
You're only a small one.
How disappointing.
I came, expecting to find a desperate secret...
...and a desperate man.
I find instead...
...a rocking horse.
I like your rocking horse!
- It was yours, I suppose?
- Yes.
Pity you've never outgrown it.
I'm afraid I must go now.
I have other work to do.
Not before I've given you this.
It's yours now.
It's not mine.
I made you a promise.
Please, accept it.
Don't you see I can't?
Unless you are willing to
give back everything else.
You want an outrageous price.
I don't want anything.
Monsieur le Duc,
il y a des policiers en bas.
The police have
an unfortunate habit
of interrupting our conversations
just when they begin
to be interesting.
I must beg your leave to leave you.
Even though
you will be a day late,
His Eminence
looks forward to seeing you.
He wants to congratulate you
on bringing home your harvest.
I've only brought home
half the harvest.
Not half.
I'm sorry to have failed.
Inspector Valentine
will confirm me in saying
that the civil proceedings have
conveniently been dropped.
The Attorney General
has entered a 'noli prosequi'.
I spoke to the Home Secretary
this morning.
We were at school together.
You'll probably be interested in this.
"One of the most remarkable exhibitions
in the history of crime and detection
is to be held in the Louvre Museum,
Paris, from Monday next.
The particular intention
of the Flambeau Exhibition
is to pay tribute to the perspicacity,
ingenuity and tenacity
of Inspector Dubois,
of the S?ret? Nationale,
who recovered the stolen property. "
Pardon, monsieur, can you direct
me to the Exposition Flambeau?
Exposition de quoi?
C'est par ici, monsieur.
- Merci.
- Je vous en prie.
C'est joli, n'est-ce pas?
Oui, c'est tr?s beau.
Oui.
The Gospel according to St Luke,
the 15th chapter, the 20th verse.
"And rising up, he came to his father.
And when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him
and was moved with compassion
and, running to him,
fell upon his neck and kissed him.
And the son said to him,
'Father, I have sinned
against Heaven and before Thee.
I am not now worthy
to be called Thy son. '
And the father said to his servants,
'Bring forth quickly the
first robe and put it on him
and put a ring on his hand
and shoes on his feet
and bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it,
and let us eat and make merry.
Because this...
my son...
was dead...
and is come to life again.
was lost...
and is found. '
And they began to be merry. "