The Departure (2017) - full transcript

Welcome to the departure.

Let me explain what we're going to be doing.

The goal is for you to
experience "departure."

Today we're holding this retreat
for you to find out what it means to die

how it will feel when you're
departing from this world.

When you have suicidal thoughts, you should
think about what you'll leave behind.

If you could only have three things
left in the world, what would they be?

Write them on three strips.

Body, house, food

The necklace my mother gave me

The bed my grandfather made



Next

let's think about three people
who are important to you.

Besides myself?

Myself is good, too.

It would be totally fine to put that.

Lastly, write down what you'd like to try.

Or it can be something you've
started and want to continue.

Quit my job

Travel the whole world

Now we have nine.

Please pick three

and crumple them and throw them away.

Eating delicious food

From the six things you have left



pick another three.

Choose three and throw them away.

Now

remove two out of the three things left.

Now you only have one left.

Travel the whole world

Body

The Earth (mountain, ocean, air, ground)

Love - loving, and being loved

Now, please throw away the last one.

Mother

My memories

Now you've lost everything.

This is death.

This is death.

Thanks to the people helping me here today

I was finally able to feel grateful.

I've attempted to kill myself before,
but I never succeeded.

I tried inhaling gas and overdosing on
medication, but still couldn't die.

I couldn't die before,
but today I died and was reborn.

I have cats waiting at home,
and my family who's been so supportive.

I have to be thankful for them
as I keep on living.

I almost cried as I listened to everyone's
words, because they resonated with me.

When you feel anxious

or when you're thinking about death,
and fear overtakes you

you can recall what you did today,
and remember it's a road we've all travelled.

Wait a second.

- Where's your toy police car?
- Yeah.

Let's go. Here, put on your shoes.

Shoes! Shoes!

Do you want sandals?
Or rain boots?

- He prefers rain boots.
- You want your rain boots?

He must still be sleepy.

STOP THE SUICIDE
TO PROTECT HEARTS AND LIVES

We're going to be discussing the
serious social phenomenon of suicide.

Mr. Nemoto is a priest of the Zen sect.

Thank you.

I've been working on suicide
prevention for ten years.

I'm trying to figure out why people become
so desperate that they commit suicide.

Mr. Nemoto,
when you counsel people for the first time

do you do something in particular or
say something special to them?

People come and tell me they have no hope,
and that there's no reason for them to live.

So I say there's no point
in chasing something that isn't there.

Instead,
let's create our own hope by being together.

I want to die.

Excuse me, here's some tea.

Thank you very much.

- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.

Here you go.

Recently I poured gasoline
all over my bed sheet.

I grabbed a bunch of toilet bowl cleaner,

and said, "All right,
let's light this sucker up."

Unbelievable.

Your condition hasn't changed in six months?

Not at all.

I'm so concerned about my kids.

How are they?
You see them once a month now, right?

Yes.

- I got to see them twice this month.
- Ah, that's good.

The day I see my kids is the farthest
from the next day I'll see them again,

so I always get sick that night.

What's it like when you're sick?
You can't get up?

If I do get up,
I just sit in front of my computer and smoke.

The computer's on, but I don't even touch it.

I know I have to keep moving forward

but often I feel like killing
myself after I see my kids.

Why do you want to die?

Because the waiting gets too unbearable.

You would break their hearts very badly.

Right? This is about life.

I'm sure they'd want you
to live no matter what.

I'm sure they know how much
you look forward to seeing them.

All I want to do is help my kids.

But it's not that easy.

Thanks for the meal.

- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.

It was delicious, thanks.

When I talk with people who
are contemplating suicide

I can see their point,
and sympathize with them.

I always think I have to do so much

but I can't stop feeling empty inside.

I've learned through experience

that I can't save anyone.

I try to create an atmosphere that makes it
possible for them to share their problems.

It might take time,
and I might have to try different things.

There is no manual, or one right way.

I know I shouldn’t die, but I just
can’t stand myself. I feel so useless.

Make sure to let me know before you die.

If you ever decide to… I need to know
the why before you do it, you know?

I actually wanted to hear your voice
one last time before taking the pills.

But I didn't want to cause any more trouble.

You’re not any trouble.

I think it's important for people to know
that death means forever disappearing.

And you'll be losing
something important by dying.

So we find things that would be hard to lose

and then we focus on treasuring those.

We'll find a way to make things
better for you, little by little.

Okay.

You’ve been fighting hard for so long,
you should reward yourself once in a while.

Have something nice, like ice cream.

I'll try and switch my thinking, too.

I do want to keep seeing
the cherry blossoms every year.

That's right.

When I was counseling, I thought,
what would have happened if we hadn't talked?

This person wasn't being treated
at a hospital.

They couldn't even go,
they were too ashamed.

But after talking to you,
they realized it wasn't such a big deal.

That's why I can't quit doing this kind
of work. If I didn't do it, and they died…

You can't say no when you’re asked.

It’s hard… I take on so much of
their suffering when I'm counseling.

I have to put on a strong face.

I can never show them how draining it is.

Well, just don't push yourself too hard.

I'd like to do some theater games

to help us connect with each other.

I think humans have always had dances,
ceremonies, rituals

because we live in an irrational world,
where we're born and then we die.

We're given life without choice,
and have to struggle along the path to death.

It's a very irrational thing.

But through art, and through expression

maybe people can find a reason.

I wonder these days

I wonder vaguely why I'm living.

Why you're living…

There's got to be a meaning
of life for every person.

Well, does there?

I mean, does a river have a meaning?

I saw your email.
Are you okay?

Call me. I have to see you immediately.

I feel like my life has no meaning.

I can't survive alone anymore.

I lost my job

I fail at everything I try.

I should just disappear.

You can't die yet.

Make yourself believe that
it's not your time to leave this world.

8 missed calls

So you're having an exam for
pulmonary emphysema, correct?

Right, they say I have it.

- So you didn't quit smoking.
- Yes, that's right.

Do you have problems with your chest hurting?

Yes, I do.

Like, from my back.

It feels stiff. And sometimes…

Not like piercing,
but it's like my chest tightens.

How often?

It's like, there's always this heavy feeling.

Like when I'm tired, my chest starts to hurt.

Or I'm short of breath.

That's been a problem lately.

- When I drink alcohol…
- You get out of breath.

My pulse gets heavier than usual.

Well, your lungs have enlarged,
and it seems to be taking a toll on them.

They enlarged?

Yeah, they enlarge and expand.

And the real problem
seems to be your arteries.

- This one.
- I see.

It seems like it could
get clogged at any time.

- Of course, stress is also a factor.
- I see.

And anxiety and such.

That seems to be the case when someone
your age has bad arteries or a bad heart.

Okay, let's eat.

Let's eat.

How have you been feeling?

Not so well.

We were talking about that earlier.

What?

You're going to try to lessen
your workload and rest, right?

Hmm… Well…

If you don't lessen your workload

you'll have another heart attack.

It's good to exercise.

- You don't exercise.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

But I've been planting rice a lot.

I wonder why you get so busy.

There's always something
that needs to be done.

- He ate all the rice?
- I guess it was good.

- Wow.
- The fish rice.

Good boy, Teppei.

It gets so busy that I can't
even fill in the planner.

You're busy from the morning of the 27th.

Yeah.

So the morning of this day is the only time…

For Teppei.

To be with him.

Yeah, that's right.

Well, I've been through a lot, Mr. Nemoto.

You know

nothing's left here.

Nothing's left?
We still have our relationship, you and me.

I guess you're right.

But when you're doing drugs

you cause the people
around you so much trouble.

There's nothing left, is there?

Everything is lost.

When did you first start using drugs?

You have, what, a 30-year history?

You have 30 years of experience.

What was that?

Well, that's kind of impressive,
you've done it for 30 years.

You have to appreciate the
fact that you're still alive.

It's true. It's really true.

Yeah. You know, with you,
it's a strange connection.

I think I could smile
the next time I see you.

In a way, you're strong,
since you're starting from scratch.

You've hit rock bottom, and now…

Yeah, in a way all I can do is climb back up.

I've been reflecting on that.

I don't want to forget
this feeling in the future.

- You’re going now?
- I'm going.

What time are you coming back?

Let's see. I'll try to come back
as soon as I can, but what time…

Thanks for staying with Teppei.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

My first experience with suicide
was with someone close to me.

It happened when I was young.

My uncle committed suicide.

I was a fifth-grader then.

And I wondered what it meant.

The uncle who died was the one who
was always kind and fun to be around.

Then a middle school friend,
and a bandmate from high school

two people who were really close to me,
seemingly healthy,

committed suicide after graduation.

The shock from not just the deaths,

but from the fact that the suicides
were multiplying one by one…

I couldn't understand it at all.

What made them feel like they needed to die?

I needed to know the reason.

Every year, I give memorial services
for the three of them.

I write messages to them every time.

All three were wonderful people,
I admired them.

I wanted to lead life like they did.

Why they had to kill themselves is
the question I haven't yet resolved.

You must be tired, let's sit.

Okay.

Oh, my.

He's acting like this because you came home.
He was playing happily a while ago.

Let's tell your dad, "welcome home."

I can see it.

Should we get the cat toy?

He just wants to be with mom.

It's a shame he's doing this
when you just got home.

Teppei!

I don't know.

Does your grandfather know I'm coming today?

No.

- Please have some.
- Oh, really? Okay then.

I have a drink every night.

- Every night?
- Yes.

So you drink every day, but at 84
you're still so healthy. What's the secret?

I don't think about anything.

It's hard to not think about anything. We
have a tendency to think about silly things.

That's right.

I wish I could stop doing that.

It's like you've become enlightened.
I think it's amazing.

It seems like anxiety comes
from trying to do so many things

from what I'm hearing.

But to say, "That's enough.
I don't have to do anything."

The feeling of having to do something
is what gets in the way.

What kind of things have you
been thinking about lately?

- Recently?
- Yeah.

Hmm…

- I've been a bit depressed lately.
- Uh-huh.

- I was doing well at one point.
- That's right.

Yes.

- Then I got depressed all of a sudden.
- Suddenly?

Suddenly.

Yeah. I feel uncertain about the future.

I'm not certain about my future,
either, when I'm depressed.

I wonder what I should do.
I get worried.

If I could be certain,
I could be more confident, I think.

Let's learn from your grandfather.

I want to do that, too.

So should we make a plan?

We should both experiment
and then come back here

and report to your grandfather
on how we've changed.

- Could I use your restroom?
- What?

- Could I use your restroom? The toilet.
- Oh, the toilet.

From here. Go through the big room.

Okay.

Okay, I’m going to go to the bathroom.

What is this?

- What?
- Is this a life consultation?

- Yes.
- What is this? How did you meet him?

- Well, it was at some kind of event.
- What?

- It was some event at a temple.
- Uh-huh.

I went there, and met him.

And you asked him stuff?

Yeah. And I visited him about three times.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

- Are you good on time?
- Yeah, I’m okay.

My granddaughter is consulting
you about a lot of things.

Yes, she is.

Life consultation? Something like that?

And it seems
she's been feeling down recently,

so I got worried,
and we talked about my coming to visit.

Well, she should be a bit stronger.

Well, I don't know.

What?

I don't know. She seems to be pretty strong.

Well, hmm.

No matter who you ask advice from, in the end
you have to make your own decision.

But you must have had worries and hard times,
too, during your lifetime.

- Of course.
- What did you do during those times?

- You have to solve it on your own.
- Hmm.

You shouldn't depend on others.

But if you bottle up everything inside,
it's hard to move in the right direction.

People have to make their own decisions.
You can't tell them this and that.

You have to look after yourself.

See, when all of these blood vessels get bad,
we're talking surgery.

You might even need bypass surgery -
but you're so young!

It's a difficult situation.

What I wanted to ask you is that,
if my heart is this plugged up…

- What about other places like the brain?
- Yes, it's possible.

- We haven't examined them, though.
- Right, we haven't examined them.

It's like, if a blood vessel this big
can get clogged, I start to worry.

- What about other parts?
- It's possible, it's possible.

I overworked myself.

Responding to emails and answering the phone.

I did that too much.

I'd be answering 50 messages a day.

You just never rested.

- The phone just kept ringing and ringing…
- In the morning, late at night…

People would hang up and call right back.

Like one person called at
eight a.m. every morning.

They'd call every morning at the same time
because they'd get nervous around then.

I don't think it's possible
to answer other people

when you're not taking care of yourself.

Really?

What about when you die?

Sometimes there are dying hermits,
and every word they say is meaningful.

Or they use their last bit of
energy to make one final stroke.

They have a lot to say.

Is it because I got sick so young?

Does that make me a hypocrite?

Yes.

If you're not physically well,
it means you're not mentally well, either.

You're speaking to others
when you're weak yourself.

I feel like you can't have
good results with that.

Well, I'm not going to stop.

I've had it. I just want to get it over with.

This is rice for you, I grew it.

- Thank you.
- Have it when you're hungry.

Eat it when you feel sad.

Chew hard and it'll help
you forget your pain.

Okay.

So many toys.

The next appointment to
see my kids is the 26th.

That's soon.

Yes.

What time do you normally see them?

- From four to five p.m., for an hour.
- Only an hour?

Yes.

- Both of them together?
- Yes.

- Once a month?
- Yes.

I give them snacks,
we play ball and tag in the park nearby

then it's done.

I feel like I'm dead.

It would be too much pain for your kids
to bear if you committed suicide on them.

The bereaved of those who commit suicide

can't escape the pain for
the rest of their lives.

Maybe it would be okay if I die
in an accident, not suicide.

That's not making sense.
You're looking forward to seeing them.

But killing yourself means you're taking
those opportunities away from yourself.

I don't understand why you want
to give up on watching them grow up.

I know you're suffering

I see how you're becoming
less motivated to live on.

But if you really care about your kids,
you can't die.

Be there for them,
so they can come to you when things get hard.

If you aren't there for them,
where can they go?

My father was…

…well,
he wasn't what you'd call a model father.

He lived the life of a drunk.

My parents got divorced
when I started middle school

so we became a fatherless family.

I was a bad kid.

I started a band when I was in middle school.

I started out on electric guitar.

Along with playing in bands,
I went dancing at night,

at what were called "discos" back then.

I danced until dawn, and then went to school.

At that time,
there were kids called "midnight wanderers"

who wandered the streets in the middle
of the night, and we were a part of that.

We were more of the rebellious type,
discontent with society.

Going out all night was the only way
I could release all my tension.

I used to pick fights all the time because
I thought that it was all about strength.

I believed that if our society collapsed,
only the strong would survive.

When I was 24,
I was in a big motorcycle accident.

I was unconscious for six hours,
and hospitalized for three months.

They had to put a balloon inside
my face to keep it from sinking,

and I had to have surgery.

I was a real mess.

I was in the hospital when I met my wife,
Yuki.

She was a nursing student there.

After that, I wasn't able to
lead this messed-up life anymore.

I just felt so ridiculous.

Even with my friends, I was like, "I don't
care about this kind of lifestyle anymore."

Then, one day, my mother saw
an ad in the newspaper that said

"Monk wanted. No experience necessary."

And we were like, "What? What is this?"

We couldn't believe that there was
actually an ad in the paper for priests.

And that people with no
experience could apply.

So I entered the priesthood.

And here I am.

Teppei!

What's up?

Let’s bring flowers to Grandma.

What?

Can you bring flowers to Grandma?

Hey, you got a big one.

That one's for Grandma.

- Tell her it’s a souvenir.
- A souvenir.

You know, when Teppei was born, everyone
talked about him being your successor.

But who knows what'll happen
to our temple by the time he’s 20?

I want him to choose his life.

He can do it when he wants to.

A child is always looking up to
his father without being asked.

So I hope you're aware that
you’re always being watched.

Yeah.

Show him with your mannerisms
more than with words.

What kind of mannerisms?

He’s carefully watching
what you do every day.

But forgets most of what you say to him,
even if you yap.

- You mean he remembers it as an impression.
- Yes.

I’m not really sure.

I don’t know if I can teach him well.

Just please stay healthy for 20 more years.

I wish my nurse would teach me how to live.

The bridge. The bridge.

Should we walk to the bridge?

Now I'll say something that will
remind us of a reason to live

and then please repeat it one to the next.

Okay, let's try it.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you!

I love you!

I love you!

Hi there.

I'm about to head back home to the temple.

A few people from the retreat are
coming over, and might stay the night.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Let's drink!

Sometimes I think I don't need emotions.

They just get in the way.

That's true. Emotions…

Where do they come from?

I don't know, but they're really a nuisance
sometimes. They're a burden.

Emotions. Common sense.

Family.

They're all important,
but they get in the way.

Do you often drink at night?

I usually don't.

But this week I've been drinking every day.

And through the night!

Every day until the sun comes up, even after
the sun comes up, the drinking continues.

- Is that okay for your health?
- No, not really.

A dancing priest!

It's burning really well.

These are actually beams
from an old Buddhist temple.

- But…
- What!

These were hewn by people from 300 years ago.

So sorry!

Whoa, we're burning that?

I was shocked too.

It's okay, we don't need them any more,

so I thought this was the
perfect occasion to use them.

Wood that was prepared by people
300 years ago is burning here today.

I don't want to live a long
life just for the sake of it.

A short life can be meaningful, too.

You could take this to mean that
I'm not treating my life as a precious thing.

Maybe from the outside it looks suicidal.

But for me,
my goal is to give everything I have.

The voice in your head, what is it like?

It says, "Die!" for example.

"It doesn't matter if you exist or not."

Wow, it says some cruel things.

It's hard to distinguish the
reality from the hallucination.

And it's hard to live like that.

When I asked the doctor about it,
he said to me

"You're hearing what you're thinking."

That's what he said to me.

I heard that it's impossible
to completely cure it.

It's just another perspective.

If the voices tell you to die

you should say, "I'm killing myself."

Meaning you're killing worthless desires,
or the dark side of yourself.

You chant, "Die, die" with them.

I wonder if that's possible?

Are you all right?

I'm sorry… I'm not being much help, am I?

I thought you were getting better.

You were eating better these days.

We tried steamed rice with barley.

I didn't like whole-grain barley.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.
There was nothing else available then.

Ouch.

Okay, right this way.

If that's all right? Okay.

Are you okay? Not feeling any dizziness?

Just a little bit.

So these blood vessels in front

it's worse than before.

- That's amazing.
- Right? It's about 95% narrower.

Now if this tears, a blood clot forms,
and in the worst case scenario

you have a heart attack.

I think you should limit
your intake of sugars.

You drink a lot.

Do you drink sake?

Shochu and stuff like that.

Of course it all depends on the amount.
You know, don't drink too much.

Okay, so we'll extend your hospital stay.

When it comes to other people,
I have no problem giving out advice.

But when it's about me,
it's really difficult.

I've been sort of lost recently.

It'd be nice to know exactly what to do.

In the end, I really just need to
reevaluate my priorities, right?

Yeah.

The whole reason
why I'm in this situation right now

is because I have misguided values, right?

So it's a matter of values.

Or rather, determining what it is
that makes me do what I do.

- Hey, boy.
- To change your values…

See you later!

This is very scary.
This is what happens when you mix medication.

What?

This cold medication is scary.

Well, the combination of cold medication
and tranquilizer is bad.

And this is what happens.

This medicine from the psychiatrist, it's the
strongest one they prescribe at the hospital.

Whoa, look at you, it's all instant noodles.

There are so many different
types of medication in here.

How did you manage to get so many?

It's for diabetes and the
operation I had the other day.

Last month I had an operation on my foot.

- You had an operation on your foot?
- Yes.

Well, I had a boil that was getting too big,
like a tumor.

I was riding my bike right near my house,
on the main street.

A car came out from behind a store

turned left without checking.

I was riding in the bike lane,
and I got hit and flew off.

Wait, hold on.
So the car hit you, and what did he say?

That I didn't have my light on.
But I was holding a flashlight in my hand!

Oh, so the driver said he wasn't at fault

that it was your fault for
not turning on the light.

So he called the police,
and I told him I have a mental illness.

So why did the police come?
You're the victim, right?

Well, I am the victim, but I left the scene
after beating the guy up.

I beat the driver up with my flashlight.
So I was charged.

Is it okay to take so much?

I realized I didn't take my cold
medication after eating.

- What's that one?
- It's caffeine.

- This is caffeine?
- Yes.

You know, you may be a terrible father
from a normal society's point of view.

But here, you have more love than anyone.

Well… I am a criminal.

Who cares?

I'd like to stay longer.

But I have Teppei, my kid.

Okay.

He falls asleep by eight.
Eight or nine at the latest.

He's not even two yet.

He can't sleep if his dad isn't back?

No, I'm often not home.

In that sense,
you may have been a better father than I am.

Because I'd be with the kid more
if I was a good father.

I'm a bad dad.
I don't come home, I'm so busy.

That can't be helped.

We're the bad fathers alliance.

Dear uncle

Why should we want to live?

They say time is medicine.

It really is about time

to get over the pain from losing someone.

The pain can become natural,
like something that's always near?

Yes. Yes, that's right.

It can remain a close presence.

It's not about the suicide.
It's about the family member who died.

The day my sister died

I was in intensive care
with her the whole day.

She jumped in front of a train.

Oh, wow.

She was cut in half,
and it was just her upper body.

Her bottom half was in the morgue.

- That was the situation?
- Yeah.

It was just her upper body.

They were doing a lot of treatments, and the
doctor was asking how we wanted to handle it.

With my mom, too.

We decided to respect her wishes.

She didn't want to live so we left her as is.

We asked her to be let go.

We were in the ICU for the entire day.

At the end, it gradually slows down.
Her heartbeat slows down.

When we were called in at the end,
I said to her, "See you again."

When I went to the restroom,
it was right before we were called

there was a bit of a draft, and I felt like
I heard her say, "See you again."

The other day, when the phone rang,

it was unexpected, so I thought,
"Did someone die again?"

- When I called, right?
- I was startled.

- It's always that way, isn't it?
- Yeah.

I was relieved.

I really want people to stop dying.

People I know, and close friends.

It's okay to not have any answer.

Yeah?

It's okay not to have an answer to
the question you're asking yourself.

But as long as you're alive,
you keep asking questions.

Welcome to the departure.

My son