The Curse of Steptoe (2008) - full transcript
In the early 1960s aspiring stage actor Harry H. Corbett jumps at the chance to play junk-dealer Harold Steptoe in a television comedy show 'Steptoe and Son'. However, the show's success ...
Flve, four, three...
(MOUTHING)
(mm RINGING)
WOMAN ON 'N: Morning, darling.
And countmg down, five, four, three...
59°79" Darling, Mat are you doing?
And camera one.
- GEORGE: Morning, darling.
- What are you doing?
Well, naming, darling.
I've just woken up.
MAN: Move In sllghtly on two.
Does anyone thlnk young marrled couples
actually talk to each other llke that?
- Wlsh me luck, darling.
- Fuck offl
Rlghto, fucklng off now, darling.
- Harry, why can't I come? You...
- Because It makes me nervous.
Thlnklng about you belng
out there somewhere.
I don't want to be thlnklng about you.
I want to be thlnklng about
what I've got to do, you know!
You understand, don't you?
Rlght. That's smashing.
I wasted time,
and now doth tlme waste me.
For now hath tlme made me
hls numbering clock.
My thoughts are minutes.
And with slghs they jar
thelr watches on unto mlne eyes.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
# Blow the man down
and we'll blow the man down
# way-hey, blow the man down
# Blow hlm rlght back
to Liverpool town #
Rlght, rlght, rlght, rlght.
Aye, well, tonlght was bloody greatl
Pltch perfectl So, what does that mean?
It means the only trajectory ls...
(WHISTLING)
So tomorrow, we rlp the guts out of It
and start all over agaln.
Any “me tflcks you've come
to cheflsh, forget them. Yes'!?
Silence. Good.
Come on, you. Come on.
(PEOPLE MUMBLING)
You had It tonlght. The rhythm, clarlty,
meaning, as clear as a bell.
And chalned by the ankle, flve, scene 5.
That really works.
And I come up and slng.
- Was that my Idea?
- No. Mlne.
Well, you knock Glelgud and hls cronles
Into a cocked hat.
Don't know about that.
You are rlnglng the death knell
of hls klnd.
That was a Richard for the masses,
you just gave.
Now, you stay focused,
get the hlstorles under your belt.
After that, we need to see your Macbeth.
And then, and only then, will you
be ready for the Danlsh dltherer.
A comblnatlon of ruggedness
and sensltlvlty ls very rare.
But you, you have It.
No backing down.
Boysl Good of you to pop In.
How are you?
('An I just say, Tony Hancock
ls the blggest berk on the planet
-for letting you two go.
- He didn't let us go, actually.
- We all felt we needed...
- Very nearly an armfuL
(LAUGHING)
where do “nee “he that come from'!?
Not nearly an armfuL
very nearly an armfuL just perfect.
Brllllant. Yeah.
So, what do you want to do next?
We can tell you what we don't wanna do.
we don't wanna do another serles.
No. And we want actors, not comlcs.
We want room to experiment,
lots of different Ideas.
Yeah, and we don't want
one set of characters,
same location, week-In, week-out.
Okay.
What?
I mean, okay. Do anything you want.
Glve me 10 half hours,
different story each week,
call It The Gialtar: and Simpson Show.
Wrlte them, dlrect them, star In them.
Anything you llke.
Really?
Just glve me something gritty, you know?
Something with some balls.
Fight.
SIMPSON: What do we do now, then?
GALTON: You heard hlm. Anything.
How many have we done?
Three and a half.
Seven more to go.
Slx and a half.
I saw a rag-and-bone man
In the street on the way over.
A rag-and-bone man?
What an awful premlse for a sitcom
that would be.
(TYPEWRITER mama)
How many are we up to?
Flve now. And a half.
Rlght. Thls rag-and-bone man...
Down at heel, real London type,
on hls rounds meetlng people.
Up Chelsea.
Class confrontatlon. we done that.
Impasse.
No, no. Because this rag-and-bone man
has dreams of better things.
He comes home at the end of the day
with asplratlons thwarted.
And what? He soUloqulses?
Talks to himself about It?
I know what "sollloqulses" means.
Oohl Is that for me?
Thank you very much.
Well, all rlght. There has to be
a second rag-and-bone man waltlng.
Back at the yards,
at the end of the day,
he llstens to our man talklng
about hls dreams.
And pours cold water on them.
Tells hlm he's a bloody ldlot.
Yeah. WNW
Because he's older than the flrst one.
He's mlssed hls chance.
That's what we do.
we play the truth about man.
- Yeah.
- Other companies wouldn't do that.
You know, It's all lovely voices
and sllk costumes and everything.
we're puttlng reallty on the stage.
All rlght. But If the older
rag-and-bone man's belng so nasty
to the younger rag-and-bone man,
why doesn't the younger rag-and-bone man
just tell hlm to fuck off and flnd
somewhere else to work?
Okay, we get pa“! fuck a“.
But we get the same fuck alL
and look where we are.
In the mlddle of the East End playing
to people who never go to the theatre.
It's a privilege, really, In many ways.
Um...
Because...
I used to be In rep.
Keep thlnklng maybe I should go back.
Oh, you don't want to do thatl God, no.
That's all In the past.
That's deadly, that ls.
All rlght. Um...
They're not looklng for truth,
those rep types.
They just want to get
the performance set and grlnd It out.
Because these aren't just
any two rag-and-bone men.
No?
Nlght after nlght.
NO.
Again and agaln.
They are father and son.
It's my Idea of hell.
('An you lmaglne If we got Harry Corbett?
What about the old man?
What's It matter
If we get Harry H. Corbett?
Bloody brllllant. Really. You know.
It's real people In real sltuatlons.
On the BBC what morel
It's about bloody tlme,
publlc service and all that.
I... Yeah. I would love to do It.
You dolng a sitcom?
What? No. It's not a sitcom.
Mmm. It's half an hour long, written by
Britain's foremost sitcom writers,
-surely that...
- Honestly, love, you haven't read It.
It's practically Beckett. Bloody traglc.
Does pan know!
It's rlght up her street.
It's dead kitchen slnk.
Have you told her?
Well, It's money In the bank, I suppose.
Who's playing the father?
Uh. mum Btambe“.
Oh, yeahl He'll be good. I've seen hlm.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Very funny.
Is he?
Well, doesn't really matter,
It's the son's story.
The father's just a feed really.
(HARRY WHISTLING)
Mr Corbett. Tom Sloane.
Harry. Please.
- Our writers.
- Hello, Harry.
:%:
- Alan.
- Alan.
I just want to say
that I really, really llke your wrltlng.
Oh. well, we really,
really llke your actlng.
It's good to get the bullshlt
out of the way flrst, Isn't It?
(HARRY CHUCKLES)
- Ohl
- Eh, good slgn.
It's llke Walling For Godot Isn't It?
Except Godot never bleeding shows up.
Hellol Good mornlng.
I'm terribly sorry to be so late.
Absolutely awful journey,
please do forglve me.
Super scrlpt. Hugely entertaining.
SLOANE: And, of course,
may we Introduce Harold.
Hello, son.
Hello, Dad. How lovely to meet you.
Why don't you take your coat off
and make yourself comfortable,
and we can get started?
"Hls father surveys the day's load
of junk on the cart. DIsdalnfuL"
"What's all this, then?
"Have you been out all day just
for this? Thls load of rubbish?"
we're not gonna... You don't wanna do
the volce or anything?
Oh, I thought, um, not yet.
Do you mlnd? I do hope that won't...
NO.
I'm sure that's...
You off the book already?
Yeah. It's just me, you know.
If Ind It... It prevents me
gettlng stuck Into the character.
"Thls load of rubblsh."
Ohl Don't start, Dad.
"Where's the 'lead'?
"I especially asked you to keep an eye
for the 'lead'." Sorry.
You get up on the cart,
you're so good at It.
I'm slck and tlred of slttlng up there,
watching that great backside
all day long.
You go out tomorrow.
"You know I can't get up on the cart
no more. Not with my legs."
Yeah, well, that's It then, lnnlt?
You don't want to say nothlng, do you?
Otherwise I'll jack this lot In
and be off.
I'm slck and tlred of you and the yard
and the horse and the cart.
"What do you know! What could you do?"
Hey, don't worry about me, mate,
I'll be all rlght.
I've had an offer. No.
Uh, uh...
Don't worry about me, mate,
I'll be all rlght. I've had an offer.
- Nol
- Are
Don't worry about me, mate,
I'll be all rlght. I've had an offer.
-(CLEARS THROAT) No.
- Are
Don't worry about me, mate.
I'll be all rlght. I've had an offer.
- Better? Yeah.
- Great.
Don't worry about me, mate.
I'll be all rlght.
'Cause I've had an offer.
Nyaal Get out of It.
- More llke that?
- Yes, pleasel
- Lovely day, Isn't It?
- Absolutely lovely.
- Very warm.
- Yes, It ls. Cheerlo, then.
(516%)
Bollocks.
May Y!?
Tlme to mess you up a bit.
Thls ls going to be one
of the good ones.
Lovely scrlpt.
And Harry H. Corbett on television.
I don't understand what all the fuss
ls about personally.
All this method rubblsh.
What ever happened to just actlng?
Been dolng It slnce he was In napples.
And with great skllL too, may I say.
I saw you In Malgretthe other year.
wonderful cameo performance.
Really?
MAN: Brlng It down.
HARRY: Oh, yeahl Yes, yes, yes.
Thls ls a fantastlc space.
SLOANE: Really?
HARRY: just the rlght feeL
Claustrophoblc and...
Oh. 'mm
Yeah, really down at heeL It's perfect.
Okay? we better clear out
so they can let the audlence In.
There's an audience?
Yes. we don't use laughter tracks.
Not unless somebody's so bloody dreadful
no bugger laughs.
Huh.
All rlght?
- Yeah.
- MAN: Stay off the stage, please.
Yeah, just have to change
what I'm dolng...
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
Yeah.
I'll, er...
I'll go and open the gate, shall I?
(HARRY GRUNTS)
Movel
Movel You rotten, stlnklng oartl Movel
Movel
Move!
I've gotta gol I've gotta get away.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
(HARRY sesame)
He's actually crylng.
I'll go and put the ketfle on, shall I?
You know what you've got here,
don't you?
You've got a pllot
for a whole new serles.
No, Tom.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
That was bloody marvellous.
They lapped It up.
Yeah, they did rather, didn't they?
I thought they laughed a lot.
I feel a classlc comlng on.
Anyone fancy a drlnk?
HARRY: ON
wllfrldl A drlnk?
No, thank you.
I thought I mlght just go.
Well, cheerlo, alll Goodbye, Harryl
Lovely to work with you.
Likewise, wllfrld. Thanks a lot.
SLOANE: Sure you won't stay
for just one?
Ohl You know the old sod. He's gotta
get rlght to hls bed at hls age.
(PEOPLE CHATFERING)
- SLOANE: Why not?
- Because there's no scope In It.
Such a tlny, closed scenario.
- Just two characters.
- Bounclng IJnes off each other.
Gets tlred very quickly.
Just how many hllarlous sltuatlons
did you get out of Hancock
and Sld james llvlng on top
of each other In a house In Cheam?
Come onl That's enough of thatl
- It's dlsgustlng, you shouldn't...
- Fllthy old gltl
Look what you've done.
Look what you've donel
Look what you've done.
(PEOPLE CLAPPING ON TV)
I wanted hlm to leave hls father.
- Who? The son? Harold?
- Hmm.
Man In hls shoes,
It would have been a He.
TV ANNOUNCER:
And next an BBC television..
Interestlng character, though.
A lot of Inner confllct.
Wllfrld was good.
HARRY: Hmm.
And you were amazing.
I was all rlght.
Accent was a bit shaky.
It's strange, telly.
Don't get a chance to do It agaln.
Bangl That's It.
So, what's next?
Uh, Henry Vat the Old Vlc, I thlnk.
- Great.
- It's what I love about belng an actor.
You're a rag-and-bone man one mlnute,
a klng the next.
(CHUCKLES) Or vice versa.
HARRY: Hmm.
What's that?
I got the role In the Frost programme.
Yeah? well done.
The scrlpt's fantastlc
and the people are lovely.
- Don't read It now.
- Oh, Harry.
Oh, no, no. Because I want to do this.
Harry.
Shouldn't we go out and celebrate?
- Go on. we never go anywhere.
- Perhaps.
- I wonder.
- About what?
If I got the tone rlght, you know!
with hlm, Harold.
It's llke you sald. Bangl That's It.
Where's that serles I want, boys?
(SIGHS) No one's gonna watch It, Tom.
It's too working class. Too grlmy.
Have you seen the ratmgs
they get for Coronation Street?
Eplsode seven?
- How many of these bloody things...
- SHEILA: Twelve.
Ta-dal
- I'm not taklng you out In that.
-why not?
Because It's all bloody tlts and arse.
That's why not.
You'll have every fellow
In the place after you.
- It doesn't matter If...
- It matters to me.
- Harry, do you really thlnk that I...
- Put something else on.
I'll wear a sack If you want,
just take me out.
Flrpm and Sm. It'll be huge.
Well, they'll never do It.
Corbett will turn down a serles flat,
he's a serlous stage actor.
Yeah. He's Britain's Marlon Brando,
for fuck's sake.
Harri'?
You're joklng, aren't you?
Hows that any better?
Look. I thlnk this
just stopped belng funny...
- I'm not trylng to be funny.
- We elther go out or we don't, damn It.
- It's up to you.
- Not taklng me out tonlght
In this dress would be
a very, very bad move.
(PHONE RINGING)
Don't answer that, we're having a row.
- Hello?
- I'm having a row.
Hello, Toml Hows It going?
Let's talk Steptoe.
The rag-and-bone men?
We flunk It'd make a terrific series.
I don't know, Tom, a series...
Ye; but look,
you'd mad) more people In m: night
than you would In 10 years
In the firearm.
Real soclal commentary. Thls stuff
really ls for the masses, Harry.
Mat do you Mink!
415F114
- Yeah.
Fantastlcl Yeah. Great.
Good mornlng.
(INDISTINCT CHATFERING)
Hellol Good mornlng.
Sorry, I'm a llttle late.
"You're having a shave, then?
"You shaved yesterday.
"Never knowed you to have two shaves
In one week before.
"Must be meetlng somebody Important
If you're having to have a shave."
Don't keep going on whlle I'm shaving.
Thls ls sharp. I've just honed It.
I don't wanna go meet a blrd with blts
of fag paper all over my face, do I?
Aahl Meeting a blrd, are you?
I see, that's why
you're tartlng yourself up.
- Blrds now, ls It?
- Yeah.
So now you know, I'm meeting a blrd.
Is that all rlght, Dad? Can I go, Dad?
I won't be late home, Dad.
I won't get In any trouble.
Can I go out, Dad? Please, Dad.
Please, Dad...
Aaah, less of your Up.
You're not eating?
- I'm not actually very hungry.
- Rlght, well, falr enough.
Why you dolng the voice?
Trylng to bed It down.
Get It consistent.
Want to watch the wind
doesn't change, old boy.
(HARRY CHUCKLING)
I must say, I thlnk you've really
found something,
especially with Albert.
You've got rlght under hls skln.
Thank you.
- Have a nlce holiday, wllfrld?
- Dldn't go away for long.
Brought back some rather pretty
blts and pieces for the flat.
HARRY: I say, I say, I say.
Have you seen the Brlstols
on that make-up glrl? Blt of all rlght.
Tremendous.
He trled to explaln a scene
to me this afternoon.
- Dld he?
- Yes.
He sald, "In this scene, the father
character ls trylng to pull the wool
"over the eyes of the son character,"
as If I'm some bloody slmpleton.
Really?
I don't need to flnd
the Albert wlthln myself.
I put on the costume and act.
- What's so...
- Do you, um, get out much?
- Yes. What do you mean?
-w=u, you know, go for drlnks.
- Meet nlce people.
- Yes.
- Not that It's any of your...
- I know. Sorry.
Only the Wheatsheaf ls very nlce.
Have you, um... In Flizrovla?
- Is It?
- Mmm.
You mlght say It was bona.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
They saw you coming, mate.
40 quld down the draln.
You'll never make any money,
you've got no bralns.
A rotten rag-and-bone man
ls all you ever were,
and a rotten rag-and-bone man
ls all you'll ever be.
He's bloody fantastlcl
It's a lovely scrlpt, you know, a really
klnd of visceral quallty to It.
It's all too rare on telly nowadays.
- Vlsceral?
- Yes.
Hows wllfrld shaplng up?
He's good. Yeah, he's very funny.
TV ANNOUNCER: And now an BBC television,
a new comedy series, Steptoe and Son.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
MAN: Mr Comet“ Mr Comet“
- Oh, what have you done now!
- What do you mean, what have I done?
MAN: Mr Corbettl
What have you got to say about 51mm?
It's the show.
It's a bit bigger than
Richard at Stratford, this, Isn't It?
I knew It was good.
You think Wilfrid's getting all this?
(REPORTERS CLAMOURING)
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
My lord Chlef Barker
and dlstlngulshed guests.
My trouble ls when I mean something,
I can't say It.
So all I can say ls, I don't belleve It.
Thank you very much. Everybody.
And I'd llke to say thanks
to hlm, too, because,
not only Is he a terrlflc chap
to work with...
(AS HAROLD) Don't breathe on It,
you'll get microbes all over It.
He's almost started to be the son
out of the buslness.
Over to you, Harold.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Twenty-two mllUon viewers a week,
gentlemen. What did I tell you?
- Three cheers for us, eh?
- Yes.
- Wlllyl Are you comlng for a drlnk?
- I, uh...
Oh, come for a drlnk for once
In your llfe, you miserable old bastard.
- I'd, uh...
-why not?
Okay.
- Hooray for us, eh?
- Cheerlo.
Nlght, wllfrld.
(HARRY SCOFFS)
As I sald to my wife Mary last nlght,
the pleasure that I hope to recelve,
In this whlte heat of
our forthcoming copulation
will be no place for
outdated mlsslonary posltlon...
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
or lle-back-and-thlnk-of-England
attitude.
Hold on. joanl joanl Hll
- How are you?
- Hello.
Well, have you...
- Have you seen our IJttle telly?
-well. yes.
We just won an award.
Yeah. well, I'm sure the money
ls very good.
(STUTTERING) No, It's not why I did It.
StlU, you should start looklng at It.
Llke the tenslon we generate
between the father and the son,
ls llke the aged capitalist...
Actually, I'm In a bit of a hurry,
Volpm: flrst nlght tonlght.
- But you take care.
- Mind how you go.
(CUTLERY CLANGING)
It's only one. One role.
There'll be other Madelhs
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Who?
Flnney.
He's welcome to It, Madelh.
It's too Gothlc for me.
Yeah.
Come here.
Come on. I wanna fuck you. Now.
- Oh, I've got to put my cap In.
- Later.
- Yes, yes, I do.
-why_;
- Do you want me to have a...
- I want you to have a baby.
Well, I don't want yet.
we have to talk about this.
- I've got to thlnk about my career.
- What career? Come on.
David fucklng Frost, what's that?
It's dross.
It's mlddle class fucklng wank.
I could be a dad, I could be a good dad.
Come on, I've got fucklng rlghts.
Harry.
I'm gonna do a second serles.
- Of flrpme.
- Oh, you're not.
Yeah. Why not?
I llke Harold. I thlnk he's a...
He's a traglc, lntrlgulng
working-class flgure.
- Harry, I really don't thlnk...
- I've decided.
MAN: Thls ls terrible.
(INDISTINCT CHATFERING)
(PEOPLE CHATFERING)
Uh, gm and tank.
- You dlrty old man.
- Is It?
MAN 1: Yeah.
MAN 2: It ls.
You dlrty old manl
Ah, come back. It's only a joke.
Good morning, Mr BrambeU, slr.
Lovely to see you.
Morning.
Come on, than.
we“. are you a“ fight now'!
Lot you care. You never have done.
All the good It's done.
"You shouldn't be dolng
heavy work llke this."
Yes, thank you.
Lot you care. You never have done.
I shouldn't be dolng work llke this.
Heavy. "I shouldn't be dolng
heavy work llke this."
I shouldn't be dolng
heavy work llke this.
Uh, perhaps we should take a break.
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
Hello agaln.
Oh, you're very sure of yourself,
aren't you?
It fades you know, youth.
It ends.
(KISSING SOUND)
I've still got It.
That's not fa“.
Shellal Shellal
Shellal
ON
No bloody dlnner.
Fucklng David fucklng Frost.
I was wondering If we could stop
calling each other mlster and mlssus.
- My name ls Albert.
- Oh, well. All rlght then, Albert.
- What's your handle?
- What?
- Your handle? Your name.
- Oh, It's Emma.
- Thls eplsode, the step-mother...
- Yeah?
It's really, I mean, In many ways, It's,
you know, the father,
I mean, Harold's the reactlve character.
- Uh...
- Hmm.
Well, yeah.
You know, comlng up with different
scenarios every week...
- It's qulte dlfflcult.
- Sure.
Yeah. It helps to swap the focus
occasionally. It just keeps It fresh.
- All rlght.
- And he ls good.
Yeah, he's good. I mean, he's brllllant.
It's just...
we “fight wanna be carefuL
I mean, May's the show so popular?
Well, It's your classlc
comedic set-up, Isn't It?
The double act.
(HARRY EXHALING)
You know they wouldn't even read me
for Vanya at LlverpooL
They wouldn't even read me.
Scouse bastards.
- Oh, Harry, I'm sorry.
-wel.l...
That's all rlght.
'Cause I got the lead In a fllm.
Playing a rlch property developer.
- That's fantastic.
- Many mlles from Shepherd's Bush,
a feature fllm for the clnema,
thank you very much.
So fuck Steptoe, and fuck hls son
rlght up the arse.
- No more of that.
- Okay, that's great.
I'm not supposed to tell you this
but the BBC called.
What do you mean
you're not supposed to tell me?
- It was This E Your Ufa.
- No.
No. All rlght? You tell them to sod off.
I mean It. You let them anywhere near me
and I will fucklng divorce you.
Lad/es Mm Do. 48, take 1.
(HARRY CLEARS THROAT)
Action. Rlng rlng.
Mlss Perkins, get In here rlght away.
I need to speak to you
about the Morley account, please.
- Thank you.
- Cut.
- It's all rlght...
- What?
- Is It all rlght?
- It's flne.
It's flne. It's just that
we thought It mlght be more lnterestlng
If Ray was...
Raymond. well, Raymond.
Raymond. was more oi
a barrow-buy Hm! of character.
He's worked hls way up from the gutter
but he never forgets hls roots,
that type of thlng?
I know. But...
Rlght, you mean
I'm more of a kubkflgure?
- Klnd of? Yeah.
- If you like.
- Okay.
- MAN: Oulet, please. we're going agaln.
(BELL RINGING)
Let's go. Let's go.
Lad/es Mm Do. 48, take 2.
Action. Rlng rlng.
Action. Rlng rlng.
(AS HAROLD) Ahl Mlss Perkins,
get In here rlght away.
I need the Morley account,
chop, chop, chop.
Cut. That's It.
Brllllantl You know,
that's really, really...
It's funnler.
Super tlmlng, darling.
I thlnk It's tlme to move on, Harry.
(smFFS)
well, you'll be back.
Would you want me back?
Yes.
Why?
Your Brlstols, I'll...
(POSH VOICE) I'll mlss them terribly.
There'll be no one to Iron my shlrts.
I don't know how I'll cope.
I do actually love you.
You know!
Yeah.
Yeah.
I just thlnk that for
any marrlage to work
there has to be at least one adult.
I had an Idea
It was you but It Isn't, ls It?
No, I'm...I'm not an adult.
There's the door. You know the way out.
- Oh, don't...
- Oh no, you want me to be adult.
I'm belng grown up. Please, go.
- Wlu you be okay?
- Oh yeah. I'll be flne.
I'm used to people walking out on me.
Yeah.
(noon sums)
Gordon Bennett, aren't you gorgeous, eh?
(CHUCKLING)
Yeah. I am, aren't I?
I'm absolutely ravlshlng.
What the fuck am I dolng In this
bloody awful fllm?
(SCOUSE AGENT) You know, I was
thlnklng that you and I should like,
maybe get It on sometime, you know?
Llke behave rudely together.
Do you “he rah May'!?
Mmm.
How about I play someone
who really doesn't fancy you?
Harry, just rlnglng to make sure
you'll be slgnlng
for the next serles of flrptue.
You're not going to be
leaving us, are you?
- I saw Lad/es Mm Do the other day.
- Oh?
Personally, I thought It was great.
No, they released It at the wrong tlme.
Yeah, well, I thought you
were very good actually.
Actually, I've got an Interview
about the art of actlng comlng up.
Well, have you seen Flnney's Hamletyet?
- No, It's good?
- SIMPSON: It's great, yeah.
Good for Albert.
What happened to that Vanya
you were up for?
I klnda went off of It, you know.
I've klnda gone off theatre.
It's going through a very funny phase
at the moment.
Not really something
I want to be a part of.
What?
Get the forehead area,
I get qulte sweaty under the llghts.
- Just relax, Harry.
- Yeah, sure.
Well, one thlng to come out of
theatre workshop was truth,
absolute searching for truth.
And then there's truth
tallored to the medlum known as theatre.
If we could turn now to flrpm and Son,
your most famous creation,
the rag-and-bone men.
Well, rag and bone, don't mean a thlng.
I'm not Interested In maklng
a documentary about rag-and-bone men.
You know, It's... I mean...
The domestic work, It's over
and done with In flve, ten minutes.
You know, It's all polltlcs,
It's about sex,
It's about general economics.
A thousand and one things, the church,
whatever you care to mentlon.
But It's certainly not about
the rag-and-bone business.
And none of It, surprlslngly enough,
relles on double takes.
Pratfalls, joey joey, grlmaces,
whatever you want to call It.
It relles on the words and the tlmlng
and belng faithful, belng true
to the subject matter.
Are you drawing Harold from
your experiences with your own father?
NO.
That would be dlfflcult
slnce I never met the man.
Um, well, your mother, then?
She dled when
I was four months old so...
So one lmaglnes It's this loss
which you're drawing from when...
(STAMMERING) No.
I don't thlnk so.
Hmm.
Moving on.
(ST EPTOE AND SONTHEME PLAYING}
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
My mum was a lovely woman.
You like thatbanh
you dirty, filthy-minded old ledmr.
7100 birds fr: 4.5 year's'?
That air: 't (etching.
Oh, you ain't fit to mention her name.
Cor, she let herself down
when she got tled up with youl
You dragged her downl
She was a good woman.
Put me down, Harold,
or I'll have the pollce on youl
- Apologlse.
- No, I won't.
Ask for forglvenessl Go on, apologise.
Look at her, look at my mum.
Apologlse to her, go on, apologlsel
That ain't your mother,
that's her slster.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
MAN: Ready, everybody.
On three. Three and clear.
Oh, God, did I do that?
It only added to the scene.
Whatever It takes.
Is It fucklng worth It, though?
Gentlemen, another truly wonderful show.
Drlnk? Harry?
Do you know, I thlnk I'm just
gonna slope off, Tom.
Xi that's a“ fight.
- Surely I can tempt you, wllfrld?
-why not?
Good evening, slr.
I'm arresting you for sollcltlng
for an Immoral act.
You do have the rlght to remaln sllent.
Please, don't do this to me.
You don't understand, please.
- Come along, slr. Come on.
- No. Please, this ls a mistake.
BRAMBELL: I'm not a homosexual, I'm not
Th: very thought disgust me.
LAWYER: You went Into those toilets-
ta awake an Illegal assfgnaflmw.
To lnvulgl: another man Inn taking
part In a loathsome sexual act
BRAMBELL: That ISM'? true.
LAWYER: But you are diverted
from your wife?
BRAMBELL: I pinned everything
on that marriage.
LAWYER: And yet If filled.
After you, s“.
LAWYER: May the court ask My?
You had a son together.
BRAMBELL: My Mfe has a son.
ALL: Mr Brambelll
(REPORTERS CLAMOURING)
Oh, just get me something, anything.
Walk on, understudy. I don't care.
just not In the fucklng UK.
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
Ah. Wllfrld.
Before we start,
I should llke to announce
that I don't plan to do
another serles of this.
SLOANE: Look, If this has
anything to do...
I've landed a role
- In a Broadway musloaL
- Broadway?
- Llke New York Broadway?
- It's not Gtford.
I'm sorry about that
but I'm sure you understand.
Besides, It's not good for you,
dolng the same thlng year-In, year-out.
SO...
The old man was always more Important
than we thought.
- Glve me optlons.
- One, oanceL
Out of the question.
The ratlngs. Try agaln.
Two, recast the old man.
He's not great with the llnes,
but he ls really, really good
and I don't thlnk
we could get another actor
who could capture the chemistry
that wllf has with Harry.
- You're probably rlght.
- So...
Three, redevlse. Wrlte the serles
without the old man In It.
Hum!
we klll hlm off.
Serles slx, eplsode one,
"The Funeral of Albert Steptoe".
Harold stands by
hls father's grave, weeping.
And he goes home and
can't face belng on hls own.
Everything reminds hlm of the old man.
Hls hat, hls oardy, hls teeth.
- Then there's a knock on the front door.
- And It's a young lad.
-19, 20.
- Davld Hemmlngs.
Perfect. Rlslng young star.
He says, "Excuse me, mlster.
But me mum sald that 20 years ago,
"you and her had a llalson
and I was the result."
So, hello, Dad.
Harold looks at the camera,
shock on hls face...
But also a klnd of joy.
He's not on hls own any more.
- Roles reversed.
-fleplue and Son, all over agaln.
At last, progression, something new.
When can I slgn? I'm In.
Wllf's back.
I'm warnlng you, Dad, one of these days
I'm gonna up and leave.
I've... I've heard that one before.
Oh, yes. Yes, you have.
(MUMBLING)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Hello.
Hello. Where the hell have you been?
I've been at antenatal, Harry.
I'm sorry.
I know you've got a lot on your plate.
I gotta learn these llnes. flrptue.
- I'm qulte famous, you know.
- You're dolng another one?
- Yeah.
why?
The money, a“ fight'!?
I'll put the kettle on, shall I?
Yeah. Good.
(FANS nan-rune)
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
The floodgates you opened for me, boys.
You know the BBC ls going to be
In colour from now on, don't you?
Chance to breathe new llfe
Into the natlon's favourites,
ZGrs In colour, Dlxm ofDmf Green
In colour and, of course,
61mm and Sm.
- There's nothlng left to wrlte about.
We've exhausted every possible scenarlo.
Every lmaglnable sltuatlon that
two rag-and-bone men
could feasibly flnd themselves In.
Then up the ante a bit.
Let your lmaglnatlons go.
- Flnd some new set-ups.
- Where from?
You know what? Let's just make It
really fucklng funny.
Dld you have a nlce holiday, wllf?
Yes, Hong Kong. Very nlce.
Dld you brlng back
any pretty llttle things for the flat?
Yes, one or two.
Wlsh me luck, darling.
It's all rlght, It's all rlght.
Haven't you got something to do?
- You got a scrlpt to read or something?
- I've glven It up, haven't I?
Good luck, darling.
Look...
we're not... I mean...
I don't know, you know!
Before we start,
- I have a question.
- Flre away.
Thls plotllne for eplsode one,
Hercules dles on the Goldhawk Road.
And Harold has to sell hlm
to the knacker's yard.
It's flogging a dead horse, surely?
What did you glve hlm for your audltlon,
Hamlet?
- Shylock? Henry V?
- No, It was all sort of thrust upon me.
The leadlng man dropped out,
he was transferred to another bus depot
and I was there, so I just got up
and did It.
- What?
- Uh...
Marlon Brando, the taxl scene
from on the Waterfront
You know...
Oh, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.
I coulda been world class, Charlie.
You know, I coulda been a contender.
Icoulda been someone, Charlle.
Instead of a bum.
Which ls what I am.
Oh, Charlie, oh, Charlie.
Oh, Charllel
(CRYING)
- Is It me?
- Fuck's sake, of course It's you.
After the set-up,
I'm waltlng for the punch llne.
It's always gonna be you.
I wasted tlme
and now doth tlme waste me.
ON
Cheer up, belng gay ls... well...
-we're all legal now.
- Hurrah.
(ST EPTOE AND SONTHEME PLAYING}
You, on a stage?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Andwhynot?
Oh, stop ltl Don't make me laughl
(ALL LAUGHING)
- Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
- I fall to see anything amuslng.
Oh, hello, darllng. Oh, hello, darllngl
Lovely, darling.
I saw your Hamlet darling.
Up yours, darling.
Kiss my backside, darling.
R's not “he that at a“.
Of course It ls.
Actors, they're all poofs.
Here, mister, are you an actor?
No, I'm a rag-and-bone man.
And that's all I'll ever be.
(PHONE RINGING)
HARRY: I'm a rag-and-bm: man,
and Mat': all I'll evur be.
Where do these IJnes come from,
I wonder.
Harri'?
You know what you are?
What?
You're a father. That's what you are.
There's something I've got to do.
Hey, Harry.
Could I just have a qulck word
with Wllfrld?
YES?
Let's not do this any more, all rlght?
All rlght.
Goodbye, Father.
Fuck off.
ON
- Yeah, I'm from Scotland. How do you do?
- What?
(PHONE RINGING)
- I'm from Scotland...
- You gotta be able to do accents.
Hello.
- What Is he? He's French, all rlght.
- French.
- So, bug/our, my name ls...
- Harry.
Harry, It's your agent. Come on.
- Hello.
-0kay, bad new: first
- W: 'v: had a no from the ('any On.
- Who got It?
Bernard Brass-lam
They know him, you see?
Yeah.
But the panto ls now a definite yes,
-so MU) that and U»: Persll ad...
- No.
Is there any proper work?
I need to work.
How's! you fancy
doing a four afAustal/a?
Australia?
Doing a stage vars-Ian
afSteptoe and Son.
They love It over there, apparenfiy.
They've already got
Wilfrid on board so...
You don't have to, Harry.
Mat do you Mink! Harry? Harry?
(MOUTHING)
(mm RINGING)
WOMAN ON 'N: Morning, darling.
And countmg down, five, four, three...
59°79" Darling, Mat are you doing?
And camera one.
- GEORGE: Morning, darling.
- What are you doing?
Well, naming, darling.
I've just woken up.
MAN: Move In sllghtly on two.
Does anyone thlnk young marrled couples
actually talk to each other llke that?
- Wlsh me luck, darling.
- Fuck offl
Rlghto, fucklng off now, darling.
- Harry, why can't I come? You...
- Because It makes me nervous.
Thlnklng about you belng
out there somewhere.
I don't want to be thlnklng about you.
I want to be thlnklng about
what I've got to do, you know!
You understand, don't you?
Rlght. That's smashing.
I wasted time,
and now doth tlme waste me.
For now hath tlme made me
hls numbering clock.
My thoughts are minutes.
And with slghs they jar
thelr watches on unto mlne eyes.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
# Blow the man down
and we'll blow the man down
# way-hey, blow the man down
# Blow hlm rlght back
to Liverpool town #
Rlght, rlght, rlght, rlght.
Aye, well, tonlght was bloody greatl
Pltch perfectl So, what does that mean?
It means the only trajectory ls...
(WHISTLING)
So tomorrow, we rlp the guts out of It
and start all over agaln.
Any “me tflcks you've come
to cheflsh, forget them. Yes'!?
Silence. Good.
Come on, you. Come on.
(PEOPLE MUMBLING)
You had It tonlght. The rhythm, clarlty,
meaning, as clear as a bell.
And chalned by the ankle, flve, scene 5.
That really works.
And I come up and slng.
- Was that my Idea?
- No. Mlne.
Well, you knock Glelgud and hls cronles
Into a cocked hat.
Don't know about that.
You are rlnglng the death knell
of hls klnd.
That was a Richard for the masses,
you just gave.
Now, you stay focused,
get the hlstorles under your belt.
After that, we need to see your Macbeth.
And then, and only then, will you
be ready for the Danlsh dltherer.
A comblnatlon of ruggedness
and sensltlvlty ls very rare.
But you, you have It.
No backing down.
Boysl Good of you to pop In.
How are you?
('An I just say, Tony Hancock
ls the blggest berk on the planet
-for letting you two go.
- He didn't let us go, actually.
- We all felt we needed...
- Very nearly an armfuL
(LAUGHING)
where do “nee “he that come from'!?
Not nearly an armfuL
very nearly an armfuL just perfect.
Brllllant. Yeah.
So, what do you want to do next?
We can tell you what we don't wanna do.
we don't wanna do another serles.
No. And we want actors, not comlcs.
We want room to experiment,
lots of different Ideas.
Yeah, and we don't want
one set of characters,
same location, week-In, week-out.
Okay.
What?
I mean, okay. Do anything you want.
Glve me 10 half hours,
different story each week,
call It The Gialtar: and Simpson Show.
Wrlte them, dlrect them, star In them.
Anything you llke.
Really?
Just glve me something gritty, you know?
Something with some balls.
Fight.
SIMPSON: What do we do now, then?
GALTON: You heard hlm. Anything.
How many have we done?
Three and a half.
Seven more to go.
Slx and a half.
I saw a rag-and-bone man
In the street on the way over.
A rag-and-bone man?
What an awful premlse for a sitcom
that would be.
(TYPEWRITER mama)
How many are we up to?
Flve now. And a half.
Rlght. Thls rag-and-bone man...
Down at heel, real London type,
on hls rounds meetlng people.
Up Chelsea.
Class confrontatlon. we done that.
Impasse.
No, no. Because this rag-and-bone man
has dreams of better things.
He comes home at the end of the day
with asplratlons thwarted.
And what? He soUloqulses?
Talks to himself about It?
I know what "sollloqulses" means.
Oohl Is that for me?
Thank you very much.
Well, all rlght. There has to be
a second rag-and-bone man waltlng.
Back at the yards,
at the end of the day,
he llstens to our man talklng
about hls dreams.
And pours cold water on them.
Tells hlm he's a bloody ldlot.
Yeah. WNW
Because he's older than the flrst one.
He's mlssed hls chance.
That's what we do.
we play the truth about man.
- Yeah.
- Other companies wouldn't do that.
You know, It's all lovely voices
and sllk costumes and everything.
we're puttlng reallty on the stage.
All rlght. But If the older
rag-and-bone man's belng so nasty
to the younger rag-and-bone man,
why doesn't the younger rag-and-bone man
just tell hlm to fuck off and flnd
somewhere else to work?
Okay, we get pa“! fuck a“.
But we get the same fuck alL
and look where we are.
In the mlddle of the East End playing
to people who never go to the theatre.
It's a privilege, really, In many ways.
Um...
Because...
I used to be In rep.
Keep thlnklng maybe I should go back.
Oh, you don't want to do thatl God, no.
That's all In the past.
That's deadly, that ls.
All rlght. Um...
They're not looklng for truth,
those rep types.
They just want to get
the performance set and grlnd It out.
Because these aren't just
any two rag-and-bone men.
No?
Nlght after nlght.
NO.
Again and agaln.
They are father and son.
It's my Idea of hell.
('An you lmaglne If we got Harry Corbett?
What about the old man?
What's It matter
If we get Harry H. Corbett?
Bloody brllllant. Really. You know.
It's real people In real sltuatlons.
On the BBC what morel
It's about bloody tlme,
publlc service and all that.
I... Yeah. I would love to do It.
You dolng a sitcom?
What? No. It's not a sitcom.
Mmm. It's half an hour long, written by
Britain's foremost sitcom writers,
-surely that...
- Honestly, love, you haven't read It.
It's practically Beckett. Bloody traglc.
Does pan know!
It's rlght up her street.
It's dead kitchen slnk.
Have you told her?
Well, It's money In the bank, I suppose.
Who's playing the father?
Uh. mum Btambe“.
Oh, yeahl He'll be good. I've seen hlm.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Very funny.
Is he?
Well, doesn't really matter,
It's the son's story.
The father's just a feed really.
(HARRY WHISTLING)
Mr Corbett. Tom Sloane.
Harry. Please.
- Our writers.
- Hello, Harry.
:%:
- Alan.
- Alan.
I just want to say
that I really, really llke your wrltlng.
Oh. well, we really,
really llke your actlng.
It's good to get the bullshlt
out of the way flrst, Isn't It?
(HARRY CHUCKLES)
- Ohl
- Eh, good slgn.
It's llke Walling For Godot Isn't It?
Except Godot never bleeding shows up.
Hellol Good mornlng.
I'm terribly sorry to be so late.
Absolutely awful journey,
please do forglve me.
Super scrlpt. Hugely entertaining.
SLOANE: And, of course,
may we Introduce Harold.
Hello, son.
Hello, Dad. How lovely to meet you.
Why don't you take your coat off
and make yourself comfortable,
and we can get started?
"Hls father surveys the day's load
of junk on the cart. DIsdalnfuL"
"What's all this, then?
"Have you been out all day just
for this? Thls load of rubbish?"
we're not gonna... You don't wanna do
the volce or anything?
Oh, I thought, um, not yet.
Do you mlnd? I do hope that won't...
NO.
I'm sure that's...
You off the book already?
Yeah. It's just me, you know.
If Ind It... It prevents me
gettlng stuck Into the character.
"Thls load of rubblsh."
Ohl Don't start, Dad.
"Where's the 'lead'?
"I especially asked you to keep an eye
for the 'lead'." Sorry.
You get up on the cart,
you're so good at It.
I'm slck and tlred of slttlng up there,
watching that great backside
all day long.
You go out tomorrow.
"You know I can't get up on the cart
no more. Not with my legs."
Yeah, well, that's It then, lnnlt?
You don't want to say nothlng, do you?
Otherwise I'll jack this lot In
and be off.
I'm slck and tlred of you and the yard
and the horse and the cart.
"What do you know! What could you do?"
Hey, don't worry about me, mate,
I'll be all rlght.
I've had an offer. No.
Uh, uh...
Don't worry about me, mate,
I'll be all rlght. I've had an offer.
- Nol
- Are
Don't worry about me, mate,
I'll be all rlght. I've had an offer.
-(CLEARS THROAT) No.
- Are
Don't worry about me, mate.
I'll be all rlght. I've had an offer.
- Better? Yeah.
- Great.
Don't worry about me, mate.
I'll be all rlght.
'Cause I've had an offer.
Nyaal Get out of It.
- More llke that?
- Yes, pleasel
- Lovely day, Isn't It?
- Absolutely lovely.
- Very warm.
- Yes, It ls. Cheerlo, then.
(516%)
Bollocks.
May Y!?
Tlme to mess you up a bit.
Thls ls going to be one
of the good ones.
Lovely scrlpt.
And Harry H. Corbett on television.
I don't understand what all the fuss
ls about personally.
All this method rubblsh.
What ever happened to just actlng?
Been dolng It slnce he was In napples.
And with great skllL too, may I say.
I saw you In Malgretthe other year.
wonderful cameo performance.
Really?
MAN: Brlng It down.
HARRY: Oh, yeahl Yes, yes, yes.
Thls ls a fantastlc space.
SLOANE: Really?
HARRY: just the rlght feeL
Claustrophoblc and...
Oh. 'mm
Yeah, really down at heeL It's perfect.
Okay? we better clear out
so they can let the audlence In.
There's an audience?
Yes. we don't use laughter tracks.
Not unless somebody's so bloody dreadful
no bugger laughs.
Huh.
All rlght?
- Yeah.
- MAN: Stay off the stage, please.
Yeah, just have to change
what I'm dolng...
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
Yeah.
I'll, er...
I'll go and open the gate, shall I?
(HARRY GRUNTS)
Movel
Movel You rotten, stlnklng oartl Movel
Movel
Move!
I've gotta gol I've gotta get away.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
(HARRY sesame)
He's actually crylng.
I'll go and put the ketfle on, shall I?
You know what you've got here,
don't you?
You've got a pllot
for a whole new serles.
No, Tom.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
That was bloody marvellous.
They lapped It up.
Yeah, they did rather, didn't they?
I thought they laughed a lot.
I feel a classlc comlng on.
Anyone fancy a drlnk?
HARRY: ON
wllfrldl A drlnk?
No, thank you.
I thought I mlght just go.
Well, cheerlo, alll Goodbye, Harryl
Lovely to work with you.
Likewise, wllfrld. Thanks a lot.
SLOANE: Sure you won't stay
for just one?
Ohl You know the old sod. He's gotta
get rlght to hls bed at hls age.
(PEOPLE CHATFERING)
- SLOANE: Why not?
- Because there's no scope In It.
Such a tlny, closed scenario.
- Just two characters.
- Bounclng IJnes off each other.
Gets tlred very quickly.
Just how many hllarlous sltuatlons
did you get out of Hancock
and Sld james llvlng on top
of each other In a house In Cheam?
Come onl That's enough of thatl
- It's dlsgustlng, you shouldn't...
- Fllthy old gltl
Look what you've done.
Look what you've donel
Look what you've done.
(PEOPLE CLAPPING ON TV)
I wanted hlm to leave hls father.
- Who? The son? Harold?
- Hmm.
Man In hls shoes,
It would have been a He.
TV ANNOUNCER:
And next an BBC television..
Interestlng character, though.
A lot of Inner confllct.
Wllfrld was good.
HARRY: Hmm.
And you were amazing.
I was all rlght.
Accent was a bit shaky.
It's strange, telly.
Don't get a chance to do It agaln.
Bangl That's It.
So, what's next?
Uh, Henry Vat the Old Vlc, I thlnk.
- Great.
- It's what I love about belng an actor.
You're a rag-and-bone man one mlnute,
a klng the next.
(CHUCKLES) Or vice versa.
HARRY: Hmm.
What's that?
I got the role In the Frost programme.
Yeah? well done.
The scrlpt's fantastlc
and the people are lovely.
- Don't read It now.
- Oh, Harry.
Oh, no, no. Because I want to do this.
Harry.
Shouldn't we go out and celebrate?
- Go on. we never go anywhere.
- Perhaps.
- I wonder.
- About what?
If I got the tone rlght, you know!
with hlm, Harold.
It's llke you sald. Bangl That's It.
Where's that serles I want, boys?
(SIGHS) No one's gonna watch It, Tom.
It's too working class. Too grlmy.
Have you seen the ratmgs
they get for Coronation Street?
Eplsode seven?
- How many of these bloody things...
- SHEILA: Twelve.
Ta-dal
- I'm not taklng you out In that.
-why not?
Because It's all bloody tlts and arse.
That's why not.
You'll have every fellow
In the place after you.
- It doesn't matter If...
- It matters to me.
- Harry, do you really thlnk that I...
- Put something else on.
I'll wear a sack If you want,
just take me out.
Flrpm and Sm. It'll be huge.
Well, they'll never do It.
Corbett will turn down a serles flat,
he's a serlous stage actor.
Yeah. He's Britain's Marlon Brando,
for fuck's sake.
Harri'?
You're joklng, aren't you?
Hows that any better?
Look. I thlnk this
just stopped belng funny...
- I'm not trylng to be funny.
- We elther go out or we don't, damn It.
- It's up to you.
- Not taklng me out tonlght
In this dress would be
a very, very bad move.
(PHONE RINGING)
Don't answer that, we're having a row.
- Hello?
- I'm having a row.
Hello, Toml Hows It going?
Let's talk Steptoe.
The rag-and-bone men?
We flunk It'd make a terrific series.
I don't know, Tom, a series...
Ye; but look,
you'd mad) more people In m: night
than you would In 10 years
In the firearm.
Real soclal commentary. Thls stuff
really ls for the masses, Harry.
Mat do you Mink!
415F114
- Yeah.
Fantastlcl Yeah. Great.
Good mornlng.
(INDISTINCT CHATFERING)
Hellol Good mornlng.
Sorry, I'm a llttle late.
"You're having a shave, then?
"You shaved yesterday.
"Never knowed you to have two shaves
In one week before.
"Must be meetlng somebody Important
If you're having to have a shave."
Don't keep going on whlle I'm shaving.
Thls ls sharp. I've just honed It.
I don't wanna go meet a blrd with blts
of fag paper all over my face, do I?
Aahl Meeting a blrd, are you?
I see, that's why
you're tartlng yourself up.
- Blrds now, ls It?
- Yeah.
So now you know, I'm meeting a blrd.
Is that all rlght, Dad? Can I go, Dad?
I won't be late home, Dad.
I won't get In any trouble.
Can I go out, Dad? Please, Dad.
Please, Dad...
Aaah, less of your Up.
You're not eating?
- I'm not actually very hungry.
- Rlght, well, falr enough.
Why you dolng the voice?
Trylng to bed It down.
Get It consistent.
Want to watch the wind
doesn't change, old boy.
(HARRY CHUCKLING)
I must say, I thlnk you've really
found something,
especially with Albert.
You've got rlght under hls skln.
Thank you.
- Have a nlce holiday, wllfrld?
- Dldn't go away for long.
Brought back some rather pretty
blts and pieces for the flat.
HARRY: I say, I say, I say.
Have you seen the Brlstols
on that make-up glrl? Blt of all rlght.
Tremendous.
He trled to explaln a scene
to me this afternoon.
- Dld he?
- Yes.
He sald, "In this scene, the father
character ls trylng to pull the wool
"over the eyes of the son character,"
as If I'm some bloody slmpleton.
Really?
I don't need to flnd
the Albert wlthln myself.
I put on the costume and act.
- What's so...
- Do you, um, get out much?
- Yes. What do you mean?
-w=u, you know, go for drlnks.
- Meet nlce people.
- Yes.
- Not that It's any of your...
- I know. Sorry.
Only the Wheatsheaf ls very nlce.
Have you, um... In Flizrovla?
- Is It?
- Mmm.
You mlght say It was bona.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
They saw you coming, mate.
40 quld down the draln.
You'll never make any money,
you've got no bralns.
A rotten rag-and-bone man
ls all you ever were,
and a rotten rag-and-bone man
ls all you'll ever be.
He's bloody fantastlcl
It's a lovely scrlpt, you know, a really
klnd of visceral quallty to It.
It's all too rare on telly nowadays.
- Vlsceral?
- Yes.
Hows wllfrld shaplng up?
He's good. Yeah, he's very funny.
TV ANNOUNCER: And now an BBC television,
a new comedy series, Steptoe and Son.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
MAN: Mr Comet“ Mr Comet“
- Oh, what have you done now!
- What do you mean, what have I done?
MAN: Mr Corbettl
What have you got to say about 51mm?
It's the show.
It's a bit bigger than
Richard at Stratford, this, Isn't It?
I knew It was good.
You think Wilfrid's getting all this?
(REPORTERS CLAMOURING)
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
My lord Chlef Barker
and dlstlngulshed guests.
My trouble ls when I mean something,
I can't say It.
So all I can say ls, I don't belleve It.
Thank you very much. Everybody.
And I'd llke to say thanks
to hlm, too, because,
not only Is he a terrlflc chap
to work with...
(AS HAROLD) Don't breathe on It,
you'll get microbes all over It.
He's almost started to be the son
out of the buslness.
Over to you, Harold.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Twenty-two mllUon viewers a week,
gentlemen. What did I tell you?
- Three cheers for us, eh?
- Yes.
- Wlllyl Are you comlng for a drlnk?
- I, uh...
Oh, come for a drlnk for once
In your llfe, you miserable old bastard.
- I'd, uh...
-why not?
Okay.
- Hooray for us, eh?
- Cheerlo.
Nlght, wllfrld.
(HARRY SCOFFS)
As I sald to my wife Mary last nlght,
the pleasure that I hope to recelve,
In this whlte heat of
our forthcoming copulation
will be no place for
outdated mlsslonary posltlon...
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
or lle-back-and-thlnk-of-England
attitude.
Hold on. joanl joanl Hll
- How are you?
- Hello.
Well, have you...
- Have you seen our IJttle telly?
-well. yes.
We just won an award.
Yeah. well, I'm sure the money
ls very good.
(STUTTERING) No, It's not why I did It.
StlU, you should start looklng at It.
Llke the tenslon we generate
between the father and the son,
ls llke the aged capitalist...
Actually, I'm In a bit of a hurry,
Volpm: flrst nlght tonlght.
- But you take care.
- Mind how you go.
(CUTLERY CLANGING)
It's only one. One role.
There'll be other Madelhs
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Who?
Flnney.
He's welcome to It, Madelh.
It's too Gothlc for me.
Yeah.
Come here.
Come on. I wanna fuck you. Now.
- Oh, I've got to put my cap In.
- Later.
- Yes, yes, I do.
-why_;
- Do you want me to have a...
- I want you to have a baby.
Well, I don't want yet.
we have to talk about this.
- I've got to thlnk about my career.
- What career? Come on.
David fucklng Frost, what's that?
It's dross.
It's mlddle class fucklng wank.
I could be a dad, I could be a good dad.
Come on, I've got fucklng rlghts.
Harry.
I'm gonna do a second serles.
- Of flrpme.
- Oh, you're not.
Yeah. Why not?
I llke Harold. I thlnk he's a...
He's a traglc, lntrlgulng
working-class flgure.
- Harry, I really don't thlnk...
- I've decided.
MAN: Thls ls terrible.
(INDISTINCT CHATFERING)
(PEOPLE CHATFERING)
Uh, gm and tank.
- You dlrty old man.
- Is It?
MAN 1: Yeah.
MAN 2: It ls.
You dlrty old manl
Ah, come back. It's only a joke.
Good morning, Mr BrambeU, slr.
Lovely to see you.
Morning.
Come on, than.
we“. are you a“ fight now'!
Lot you care. You never have done.
All the good It's done.
"You shouldn't be dolng
heavy work llke this."
Yes, thank you.
Lot you care. You never have done.
I shouldn't be dolng work llke this.
Heavy. "I shouldn't be dolng
heavy work llke this."
I shouldn't be dolng
heavy work llke this.
Uh, perhaps we should take a break.
(DOORBELL BUZZING)
Hello agaln.
Oh, you're very sure of yourself,
aren't you?
It fades you know, youth.
It ends.
(KISSING SOUND)
I've still got It.
That's not fa“.
Shellal Shellal
Shellal
ON
No bloody dlnner.
Fucklng David fucklng Frost.
I was wondering If we could stop
calling each other mlster and mlssus.
- My name ls Albert.
- Oh, well. All rlght then, Albert.
- What's your handle?
- What?
- Your handle? Your name.
- Oh, It's Emma.
- Thls eplsode, the step-mother...
- Yeah?
It's really, I mean, In many ways, It's,
you know, the father,
I mean, Harold's the reactlve character.
- Uh...
- Hmm.
Well, yeah.
You know, comlng up with different
scenarios every week...
- It's qulte dlfflcult.
- Sure.
Yeah. It helps to swap the focus
occasionally. It just keeps It fresh.
- All rlght.
- And he ls good.
Yeah, he's good. I mean, he's brllllant.
It's just...
we “fight wanna be carefuL
I mean, May's the show so popular?
Well, It's your classlc
comedic set-up, Isn't It?
The double act.
(HARRY EXHALING)
You know they wouldn't even read me
for Vanya at LlverpooL
They wouldn't even read me.
Scouse bastards.
- Oh, Harry, I'm sorry.
-wel.l...
That's all rlght.
'Cause I got the lead In a fllm.
Playing a rlch property developer.
- That's fantastic.
- Many mlles from Shepherd's Bush,
a feature fllm for the clnema,
thank you very much.
So fuck Steptoe, and fuck hls son
rlght up the arse.
- No more of that.
- Okay, that's great.
I'm not supposed to tell you this
but the BBC called.
What do you mean
you're not supposed to tell me?
- It was This E Your Ufa.
- No.
No. All rlght? You tell them to sod off.
I mean It. You let them anywhere near me
and I will fucklng divorce you.
Lad/es Mm Do. 48, take 1.
(HARRY CLEARS THROAT)
Action. Rlng rlng.
Mlss Perkins, get In here rlght away.
I need to speak to you
about the Morley account, please.
- Thank you.
- Cut.
- It's all rlght...
- What?
- Is It all rlght?
- It's flne.
It's flne. It's just that
we thought It mlght be more lnterestlng
If Ray was...
Raymond. well, Raymond.
Raymond. was more oi
a barrow-buy Hm! of character.
He's worked hls way up from the gutter
but he never forgets hls roots,
that type of thlng?
I know. But...
Rlght, you mean
I'm more of a kubkflgure?
- Klnd of? Yeah.
- If you like.
- Okay.
- MAN: Oulet, please. we're going agaln.
(BELL RINGING)
Let's go. Let's go.
Lad/es Mm Do. 48, take 2.
Action. Rlng rlng.
Action. Rlng rlng.
(AS HAROLD) Ahl Mlss Perkins,
get In here rlght away.
I need the Morley account,
chop, chop, chop.
Cut. That's It.
Brllllantl You know,
that's really, really...
It's funnler.
Super tlmlng, darling.
I thlnk It's tlme to move on, Harry.
(smFFS)
well, you'll be back.
Would you want me back?
Yes.
Why?
Your Brlstols, I'll...
(POSH VOICE) I'll mlss them terribly.
There'll be no one to Iron my shlrts.
I don't know how I'll cope.
I do actually love you.
You know!
Yeah.
Yeah.
I just thlnk that for
any marrlage to work
there has to be at least one adult.
I had an Idea
It was you but It Isn't, ls It?
No, I'm...I'm not an adult.
There's the door. You know the way out.
- Oh, don't...
- Oh no, you want me to be adult.
I'm belng grown up. Please, go.
- Wlu you be okay?
- Oh yeah. I'll be flne.
I'm used to people walking out on me.
Yeah.
(noon sums)
Gordon Bennett, aren't you gorgeous, eh?
(CHUCKLING)
Yeah. I am, aren't I?
I'm absolutely ravlshlng.
What the fuck am I dolng In this
bloody awful fllm?
(SCOUSE AGENT) You know, I was
thlnklng that you and I should like,
maybe get It on sometime, you know?
Llke behave rudely together.
Do you “he rah May'!?
Mmm.
How about I play someone
who really doesn't fancy you?
Harry, just rlnglng to make sure
you'll be slgnlng
for the next serles of flrptue.
You're not going to be
leaving us, are you?
- I saw Lad/es Mm Do the other day.
- Oh?
Personally, I thought It was great.
No, they released It at the wrong tlme.
Yeah, well, I thought you
were very good actually.
Actually, I've got an Interview
about the art of actlng comlng up.
Well, have you seen Flnney's Hamletyet?
- No, It's good?
- SIMPSON: It's great, yeah.
Good for Albert.
What happened to that Vanya
you were up for?
I klnda went off of It, you know.
I've klnda gone off theatre.
It's going through a very funny phase
at the moment.
Not really something
I want to be a part of.
What?
Get the forehead area,
I get qulte sweaty under the llghts.
- Just relax, Harry.
- Yeah, sure.
Well, one thlng to come out of
theatre workshop was truth,
absolute searching for truth.
And then there's truth
tallored to the medlum known as theatre.
If we could turn now to flrpm and Son,
your most famous creation,
the rag-and-bone men.
Well, rag and bone, don't mean a thlng.
I'm not Interested In maklng
a documentary about rag-and-bone men.
You know, It's... I mean...
The domestic work, It's over
and done with In flve, ten minutes.
You know, It's all polltlcs,
It's about sex,
It's about general economics.
A thousand and one things, the church,
whatever you care to mentlon.
But It's certainly not about
the rag-and-bone business.
And none of It, surprlslngly enough,
relles on double takes.
Pratfalls, joey joey, grlmaces,
whatever you want to call It.
It relles on the words and the tlmlng
and belng faithful, belng true
to the subject matter.
Are you drawing Harold from
your experiences with your own father?
NO.
That would be dlfflcult
slnce I never met the man.
Um, well, your mother, then?
She dled when
I was four months old so...
So one lmaglnes It's this loss
which you're drawing from when...
(STAMMERING) No.
I don't thlnk so.
Hmm.
Moving on.
(ST EPTOE AND SONTHEME PLAYING}
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
My mum was a lovely woman.
You like thatbanh
you dirty, filthy-minded old ledmr.
7100 birds fr: 4.5 year's'?
That air: 't (etching.
Oh, you ain't fit to mention her name.
Cor, she let herself down
when she got tled up with youl
You dragged her downl
She was a good woman.
Put me down, Harold,
or I'll have the pollce on youl
- Apologlse.
- No, I won't.
Ask for forglvenessl Go on, apologise.
Look at her, look at my mum.
Apologlse to her, go on, apologlsel
That ain't your mother,
that's her slster.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
MAN: Ready, everybody.
On three. Three and clear.
Oh, God, did I do that?
It only added to the scene.
Whatever It takes.
Is It fucklng worth It, though?
Gentlemen, another truly wonderful show.
Drlnk? Harry?
Do you know, I thlnk I'm just
gonna slope off, Tom.
Xi that's a“ fight.
- Surely I can tempt you, wllfrld?
-why not?
Good evening, slr.
I'm arresting you for sollcltlng
for an Immoral act.
You do have the rlght to remaln sllent.
Please, don't do this to me.
You don't understand, please.
- Come along, slr. Come on.
- No. Please, this ls a mistake.
BRAMBELL: I'm not a homosexual, I'm not
Th: very thought disgust me.
LAWYER: You went Into those toilets-
ta awake an Illegal assfgnaflmw.
To lnvulgl: another man Inn taking
part In a loathsome sexual act
BRAMBELL: That ISM'? true.
LAWYER: But you are diverted
from your wife?
BRAMBELL: I pinned everything
on that marriage.
LAWYER: And yet If filled.
After you, s“.
LAWYER: May the court ask My?
You had a son together.
BRAMBELL: My Mfe has a son.
ALL: Mr Brambelll
(REPORTERS CLAMOURING)
Oh, just get me something, anything.
Walk on, understudy. I don't care.
just not In the fucklng UK.
(PEOPLE MURMURING)
Ah. Wllfrld.
Before we start,
I should llke to announce
that I don't plan to do
another serles of this.
SLOANE: Look, If this has
anything to do...
I've landed a role
- In a Broadway musloaL
- Broadway?
- Llke New York Broadway?
- It's not Gtford.
I'm sorry about that
but I'm sure you understand.
Besides, It's not good for you,
dolng the same thlng year-In, year-out.
SO...
The old man was always more Important
than we thought.
- Glve me optlons.
- One, oanceL
Out of the question.
The ratlngs. Try agaln.
Two, recast the old man.
He's not great with the llnes,
but he ls really, really good
and I don't thlnk
we could get another actor
who could capture the chemistry
that wllf has with Harry.
- You're probably rlght.
- So...
Three, redevlse. Wrlte the serles
without the old man In It.
Hum!
we klll hlm off.
Serles slx, eplsode one,
"The Funeral of Albert Steptoe".
Harold stands by
hls father's grave, weeping.
And he goes home and
can't face belng on hls own.
Everything reminds hlm of the old man.
Hls hat, hls oardy, hls teeth.
- Then there's a knock on the front door.
- And It's a young lad.
-19, 20.
- Davld Hemmlngs.
Perfect. Rlslng young star.
He says, "Excuse me, mlster.
But me mum sald that 20 years ago,
"you and her had a llalson
and I was the result."
So, hello, Dad.
Harold looks at the camera,
shock on hls face...
But also a klnd of joy.
He's not on hls own any more.
- Roles reversed.
-fleplue and Son, all over agaln.
At last, progression, something new.
When can I slgn? I'm In.
Wllf's back.
I'm warnlng you, Dad, one of these days
I'm gonna up and leave.
I've... I've heard that one before.
Oh, yes. Yes, you have.
(MUMBLING)
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Hello.
Hello. Where the hell have you been?
I've been at antenatal, Harry.
I'm sorry.
I know you've got a lot on your plate.
I gotta learn these llnes. flrptue.
- I'm qulte famous, you know.
- You're dolng another one?
- Yeah.
why?
The money, a“ fight'!?
I'll put the kettle on, shall I?
Yeah. Good.
(FANS nan-rune)
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
The floodgates you opened for me, boys.
You know the BBC ls going to be
In colour from now on, don't you?
Chance to breathe new llfe
Into the natlon's favourites,
ZGrs In colour, Dlxm ofDmf Green
In colour and, of course,
61mm and Sm.
- There's nothlng left to wrlte about.
We've exhausted every possible scenarlo.
Every lmaglnable sltuatlon that
two rag-and-bone men
could feasibly flnd themselves In.
Then up the ante a bit.
Let your lmaglnatlons go.
- Flnd some new set-ups.
- Where from?
You know what? Let's just make It
really fucklng funny.
Dld you have a nlce holiday, wllf?
Yes, Hong Kong. Very nlce.
Dld you brlng back
any pretty llttle things for the flat?
Yes, one or two.
Wlsh me luck, darling.
It's all rlght, It's all rlght.
Haven't you got something to do?
- You got a scrlpt to read or something?
- I've glven It up, haven't I?
Good luck, darling.
Look...
we're not... I mean...
I don't know, you know!
Before we start,
- I have a question.
- Flre away.
Thls plotllne for eplsode one,
Hercules dles on the Goldhawk Road.
And Harold has to sell hlm
to the knacker's yard.
It's flogging a dead horse, surely?
What did you glve hlm for your audltlon,
Hamlet?
- Shylock? Henry V?
- No, It was all sort of thrust upon me.
The leadlng man dropped out,
he was transferred to another bus depot
and I was there, so I just got up
and did It.
- What?
- Uh...
Marlon Brando, the taxl scene
from on the Waterfront
You know...
Oh, Charlie, Charlie, Charlie.
I coulda been world class, Charlie.
You know, I coulda been a contender.
Icoulda been someone, Charlle.
Instead of a bum.
Which ls what I am.
Oh, Charlie, oh, Charlie.
Oh, Charllel
(CRYING)
- Is It me?
- Fuck's sake, of course It's you.
After the set-up,
I'm waltlng for the punch llne.
It's always gonna be you.
I wasted tlme
and now doth tlme waste me.
ON
Cheer up, belng gay ls... well...
-we're all legal now.
- Hurrah.
(ST EPTOE AND SONTHEME PLAYING}
You, on a stage?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Andwhynot?
Oh, stop ltl Don't make me laughl
(ALL LAUGHING)
- Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
- I fall to see anything amuslng.
Oh, hello, darllng. Oh, hello, darllngl
Lovely, darling.
I saw your Hamlet darling.
Up yours, darling.
Kiss my backside, darling.
R's not “he that at a“.
Of course It ls.
Actors, they're all poofs.
Here, mister, are you an actor?
No, I'm a rag-and-bone man.
And that's all I'll ever be.
(PHONE RINGING)
HARRY: I'm a rag-and-bm: man,
and Mat': all I'll evur be.
Where do these IJnes come from,
I wonder.
Harri'?
You know what you are?
What?
You're a father. That's what you are.
There's something I've got to do.
Hey, Harry.
Could I just have a qulck word
with Wllfrld?
YES?
Let's not do this any more, all rlght?
All rlght.
Goodbye, Father.
Fuck off.
ON
- Yeah, I'm from Scotland. How do you do?
- What?
(PHONE RINGING)
- I'm from Scotland...
- You gotta be able to do accents.
Hello.
- What Is he? He's French, all rlght.
- French.
- So, bug/our, my name ls...
- Harry.
Harry, It's your agent. Come on.
- Hello.
-0kay, bad new: first
- W: 'v: had a no from the ('any On.
- Who got It?
Bernard Brass-lam
They know him, you see?
Yeah.
But the panto ls now a definite yes,
-so MU) that and U»: Persll ad...
- No.
Is there any proper work?
I need to work.
How's! you fancy
doing a four afAustal/a?
Australia?
Doing a stage vars-Ian
afSteptoe and Son.
They love It over there, apparenfiy.
They've already got
Wilfrid on board so...
You don't have to, Harry.
Mat do you Mink! Harry? Harry?