The Courtship of Eddie's Father (1963) - full transcript

Wake up, Manhattan.

Come out of that warm, rosy dream.

Open those big, luscious eyes...

and meet a new, exciting day.

I'm talking to you ravishing,
delicious, madcap girls...

still in that warm, cozy bed.

Now, what you need is a nice,
hot cup of coffee...

Bentley coffee, of course.

Do you get that rich, intoxicating aroma...

that tantalizing blend...

that makes the senses reel
and the pulses tingle?



Look out!

Don't burn those delicate,
sensuous fingers.

Why, if anything should happen
to those wild, impetuous hands...

Jones would be heartbroken.

Did she hurt herself? Don't cry.

Old Norm here will fix it.

There now. Doesn't that feel better?

- Good morning, Mr. Corbett.
- Good morning.

- You forgot to leave a note.
- What?

Do you want your milk cut down
to a quart a day?

We can try a quart
and feel it out from there.

Right. Fine. That's a good idea.

Eddie? Breakfast ready.

Eddie?



Come on now, Eddie.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- What are you doing in here?
- Sleeping.

Yeah, I know. I can see that.

This happens to be my bed, you know.

When did you crawl in here?

Last night. I got cold.

Are you mad at me?

Why should I be mad at you?

But you were never much of a one
for bed-hopping, you know.

Come on now. We don't want to be late
our first day back at school now, do we?

Do I have to clean my teeth?

You betcha. Teeth, face, and hands.

By the way,
when was the last time you took a bath?

I had a whole one at Aunt Judy's.

I mean from top to bottom.

That was two days ago, wasn't it?

You don't know how clean I got.

Aunt Judy put something in the water
that took off all my tan.

- All the dirt, you mean.
- No, tan, Dad.

When you get that clean
you look all pink and skinny.

I hate myself.

Yeah, well, hate yourself later.
Get into that bathroom.

Come on now. Let's move.

Dad, you're not a husband anymore,
are you?

You can't wear those trousers to school.
Are you out of your mind?

It's only fingerpaint, Dad.

The teacher knows it ain't dirt.

Put them down.

Okay.

Okay.

- Dad?
- Yeah.

Bobby Wheeler
don't brush his teeth everyday.

So what?

He's got more teeth left than I do.

Look, never mind Bobby Wheeler.
You just...

What's this?

A watch.

It's indelible.

It's got to wear off.

- Dad?
- Yeah.

You didn't tell me about the husband part.

No, I'm not a husband anymore.

You just get dressed
or you're not gonna get any breakfast.

Come on. Let's go, Eddie.

Okay, Dad.

I'll be here to pick you up
at lunchtime, okay?

Okay.

You better pull your sleeve down.
No, the one over the wristwatch.

My shirt itches, Dad.

It shouldn't. It's one of your regular shirts.

Matter of fact,
that's the one that Mommy ironed.

Eddie, don't fool around inside.
I'll be here right at lunchtime.

- Dad?
- Yes?

Is Mommy really dead?

- Yes, Eddie. She is.
- Gosh.

Gosh.

I never thought of that.

You may be right, Mr. Corbett.

Mr. Corbett, how nice
to have you back, sir.

Thank you, Leigh.

I can't tell you
how shocked we all were, sir.

That's very kind of you.

All the bad ones in the world,
and the good ones have to go.

How true.

Anne, would you come in
for just a minute, please?

I won't stay long.
I want to pick up Eddie for lunch.

- Where are the letters to be signed?
- They're in the top left drawer.

I checked the housekeeper.
She'll be reporting around noon.

The agency recommended her highly...

but you can never tell
about these sleep-outs.

- Sleep-outs?
- Yes. She sleeps out.

You know, you really
ought to have a sleep-in.

It's a shame
you don't have an extra bedroom.

Just a little tip, Mr. Corbett,
stay close to her in the morning.

See if she has a peppermint breath.

The worst kind are those sneaky drinkers.

Yes?

I hate to bother you,
but we have 10 young ladies here...

with invitations to
the Norman Jones show...

but his control room's full already.

What do you want me to do about it?

- Can I ask them to come back later?
- Yes. You do that.

Anyway, if I were you, Mr. Corbett...

I just might keep an eye out
on the washer machine.

They usually hide the bottles in there.

...and this stunning redhead
whispered to me:

"Oh, Norm, hold me tighter."

Excuse me.

And now, for you.

For all you ravishing white-collars...

I dedicate this musical love letter.

Captain! My captain.

Are we off?

The shepherd returns.
We've been nothing without you. Nothing.

You seem to be doing pretty well
without me.

- What? Oh, that.
- Yeah.

Norm, you know we do not have visitors
on this show, right?

They're not visitors. They're friends.

That one there on the left, the blonde?
She won my last secret word contest.

What was the secret word?

"Yes"?

That's funny.

We can't have women running in and out
like we're running a beauty contest.

That stuff on the air this morning
with the coffee? I mean...

Are you seducing women on the air now?

Tom, I'm concerned about you.

One sec. Jones In The Morning.

Who?

Oh, sure. Hiya, lover.

Sure, I meant it. Yeah.

How about tomorrow night? 8:00.

I'm concerned about you.
You look terrible.

Tired, worried.
This whole thing has been hell for you.

Look, why don't you relax for an evening?
Try to forget.

I happen to know this living doll.

- Great company. She lives on 72nd Street.
- No.

- A little harmless companionship.
- No.

I'm only trying to help.

You and just about everybody else.

You're gonna make yourself sick.
Take it from me. Tom, friend...

Dearly beloved, listen closely.

Will I be helping out all the time now?

No. In fact the sleep-out housekeeper
will be doing most of the cooking.

At least I hope so.

- Sleep-out?
- She sleeps out.

Out where? Outdoors?

No. She sleeps out of here.

Why? Are you mad at her?

Mad at her? How could I be mad at her?
I don't even know her.

Will she be my stepmother?

Come on now. Use your head, Eddie.
I'd have to marry her for that.

Say, Eddie,
what did the teacher say today?

- About Mommy?
- Yeah.

She didn't say nothing.

Then how do you know she knows?

She kissed me, and she looked at me,
and she let me pass out all the papers.

All that jazz.

What else did you do in school today?

Nothing much.

Come on, now, Eddie.
I'm sure you did something.

There was something I wanted to do,
but I didn't.

Yeah? What was that?

I wanted to cry.

- Mr. Corbett?
- Yes.

I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry.

I was held up on that transfer
at Times Square.

Nice. Real nice.

We're gonna get along just swell.

- Fine.
- Where's the boy?

He's in the kitchen right through here.

We were just about to have lunch.

Eddie, this is Mrs. Livingston.

- How do you do?
- I'm fine, Eddie.

Just fine. But you're too skinny.

We'll take care of that, won't we?

Now, you two sit down
and I'll get lunch for you in no time.

- Eddie, you'd better wash your hands.
- You mean, because she's here?

No, because they're dirty.

A dishwashing machine,
a garbage disposal.

- You better watch out, Mr. Corbett.
- Yeah? What for?

- You better watch out for the floozies.
- The floozies?

There's women who would marry you
right now...

for the equipment
you have in this apartment.

I see. Mrs. Livingston,
would you mind telling me something?

What is this thing for here?

- That's my Instant Spanish.
- What?

It's a course I'm taking.

My daughter married a fella
in South America.

They've invited me
down there for six months.

I want to know
what he's saying about me, see?

- Only he won't know I know.
- Very good.

- Dad?
- Yeah.

- Can I go to Joey's house for a minute?
- You can't.

- You gotta have lunch and get back to...
- Just for a minute?

- Why?
- I want to tell him the news.

You know, the news that Mommy died.

Okay.

Does he go around
telling everyone like that?

No.

I think Joey's the very first.

?Qu? desea usted comer se?ora?

Yo deseo sopa, carne y caf?, por favor.

Lo siento mucho, pero no tenemos sopa.

Se equivoca,
la sopa est? en la lista de platos.

La sopa est? en la lista de platos.
La sopa no est? en la cocina, se?ora.

- Hi, Eddie.
- Hi, Dad.

?Por qu? est? la sopa...

en la lista de platos,
y no est? en la cocina?

?Quiere un poco de vino se?ora?

?Quisiera sopa! ?Mozo, traigame sopa!

Si pudiera hacerlo lo har?a.
No creo que pueda complacerla.

Usted es un mozo. Esto es un caf?.

La sopa es en la lista de platos.
? Traigamela, por favor!

?Gracias, se?ora!

Ver? que puedo hacer.

Mozo, quisiera sopa, carne y caf?,
por favor.

- S?, se?ora.
- Buenas noches.

- Sorry I'm late.
- That's all right.

Eddie's had his dinner, and is watching TV.

- I think I got everything on this list...
- I had a talk with that woman today.

- What woman?
- The one across the hall. Elizabeth Marten.

She's a divorc?e, Mr. Corbett...

and if you don't mind some advice,
I'd be very careful.

Very careful of what?

You take a bachelor.
He's out for one thing only...

day in and day out, week in and week out.
One thing, one thing only.

That's your ordinary bachelor.

Mrs. Livingston, if that is ordinary,
then I'm in a very bad way.

Suit yourself. Liquor won't solve a thing.

I'll get it.

- Hello, Tom.
- Hello.

Is Eddie still up?
I made some fudge, the kind he likes.

That's very kind of you, Elizabeth.

I know he should be asleep,
but he's still up.

Come in.

It's chocolate with nuts. It's his favorite.

I assure you that he will flip over it.

- Sit down.
- No, thanks. I can't stay.

I just wanted to drop that off
on my way to work.

How about a drink maybe?
Just a short one?

No, thanks.

My floor superintendent
can detect one swallow at 30 yards.

She really has it in for volunteer nurses.

She thinks we're all out
on some sort of social lark.

You like the work, though?

It keeps me busy.

- Elizabeth!
- Hello, Eddie. How are you?

Elizabeth made you some fudge.

- Boy. Has it got nuts?
- It's riddled with nuts.

Wow! Can I have a piece now, Dad?

- Can I have two?
- Why not?

If you brush your teeth extra hard.

- Boy!
- And, Eddie?

Put your pajamas on.

Tom, I just wanted to say how sorry I am.

You know how close Helen and I were.

- I guess she was just about my best friend.
- Yes, I know.

Fact is...

when I opened the door
and saw you there, I kind of...

half-expected to see Helen
standing right alongside you.

- And for a minute there...
- Tom, if there's anything I can do...

like sitting with Eddie at night maybe,
in case you want to go...

We're all right.
Eddie's going back to school now.

We're getting back into
the normal routine. Before you...

What is it? Eddie, what is it?

Eddie, it's all right. It's all right.

It's all right.

- Stop. Stop.
- Eddie, please stop.

Eddie, please. Stop.

What did you do with him, Dad?

No, it wasn't a "him." It was an "it."

And I flushed it down the drain, Eddie.

It's okay, Dad.

Eddie, please. You got a half a dozen
other fish there. They're all alive.

I know.

It's okay, Dad.

Eddie, you were thinking of your mother,
weren't you?

Weren't you, Eddie?

Tom, I think he's gonna be all right now.

A fish is a fish.

- Tom.
- A fish is a fish...

- and his mother's his mother.
- That isn't the point.

He doesn't care about them.
I have to tell him to feed them.

- It takes about two seconds.
- He needed to cry.

- He can cry according to the size of things.
- It doesn't work that way.

I don't agree. Look, if you're sad, you cry.

You don't save up your tears
and go to a sad movie, do you?

But we do. We all do.

Where do you think we get the tears
we cry at movies?

Tears for a mother cannot be the same
as tears for a fish.

Tom, can't we talk about this calmly?

- I want to help so much.
- Thank you very much.

Yeah, thank you for your kind fuss
and for your fudge...

but we're doing just fine.

I'm very sorry to bother you.
Please forgive me.

I know, Dad.

I know how much you miss Mommy.

I'm glad you know, Eddie.

Now that's something
that we know about each other, isn't it?

Of course we miss Mommy...

and very much.

And we will for a long time.

How long does it take, Dad?

Let me put it this way, Eddie.

No matter how long it takes
we're gonna be all right...

just as long as I can tell you
everything that I feel...

and you can tell me.

- Everything?
- Everything.

- Always?
- Always. I tell you what.

Let's you and I have a sort of a secret pact
just between us.

Okay, Dad.

Eddie.

You know what I think, Dad?
I think they cheat in the movies.

- You do?
- I think they cheat with the horses.

How do they do that?

When they want the sheriff
to catch the bad guy...

they give the sheriff the best horse.

When they want the bad guy to get away...

- They give the bad guy the best horse.
- That's right. They cheat with the horses.

- How did you like it, Dad?
- I liked it fine.

But it didn't make you happy, did it?

- Make me happy?
- Yeah.

What can we do to make you happy, Dad?

Look, we're gonna have a nice
Chinese dinner together.

That'll make us both happy.

I know. Let's have a discussion.
You like discussions.

Okay.

- Are you ready, Dad?
- All right.

You ever think about
getting married again?

No, Eddie, I don't.

Could you think about it now, Dad?
Out loud?

All right, we'll think about it now.

- First, you gotta find her, right?
- Right.

And after you find her, what happens?

Then you ask her to marry you.

And after she gives you the permission
what do you do?

Do when?

- Aren't you listening, Dad?
- I'm sorry, Eddie.

- Then you go to a doctor.
- A doctor?

What do you want to do that for?

You see, in some states
you have to have...

You pass a medical test
in order to get a marriage license, you see.

- Could you pass it, Dad?
- Yeah, I think so.

What if the lady wasn't so healthy?

What if she don't pass?
Would you be mad?

Let's just say I'd be very disappointed.

Look, Dad. Look.

Look at that big turtle.

How about some skee-ball? We have time.

- Oh, boy!
- Come on.

- Dad?
- Yeah?

- Did you see her?
- Who?

- Her.
- Who?

The lady with the red hair.

Eddie, don't point.

Miss, change for a dollar, please.

Boy, she's beautiful.

Let's go, Eddie. Let's go.

You know, this is pretty tricky.

Look. She's coming over here.

Now look what you've done, Eddie.

Sir?

- Sir?
- Yes?

May I borrow your son for a few minutes?

I beg your pardon?

May I borrow your son for a few minutes?

We were playing ball here, you know...

Just for about 10 minutes, sir.

What for?

To get my picture painted on a tie.

That man over there, he does it for $3.

I'd like to send one
to my father in Montana.

What's borrowing my son got to do
with having your picture painted on a tie?

It wouldn't be so awful
if I could sit there with your boy.

I wouldn't be so afraid.

- Afraid of what?
- Mashers.

What's a masher, Dad?

A masher is somebody
that bothers women.

- Just bothers? That's all?
- Yeah. You...

Well, isn't that enough?

I thought you mean chopped 'em up
or squashed 'em like a potato masher.

May I, sir?

Eddie, it would seem that
you're about to be borrowed.

Thank you, sir.

Stick with her while she has her picture
painted on the tie over there, all right?

- Thank you so much.
- All right.

Thanks.

Dad.

- Dad, she's giving the tie to me.
- To you?

Look, Dad! They already got
the bodies on the tie.

He just paints on the head.

I'm sorry. Takes too much time,
I guess, to paint a person's whole body.

But my father...

If he ever saw an outfit like that.

- I'll wear it to school. Man!
- Man, you will not wear it to school.

They don't allow bikinis in the first grade.

- Sorry it didn't work out, Miss...
- Daly.

Dollye.

- Daly Dollye?
- Dollye Daly.

It doesn't matter.

- As long as I did it, that's what counts.
- That's right.

I'm supposed to do one thing every day...

that I'm afraid to do,
but I really want to do.

Here. It's part
of my self-improvement course.

I see.

In fact, it's my first rule.

Become outgoing.

"Become outgoing."

It's very serious with me, sir.

I've ruined my whole life
by not having poise and confidence.

I even lost out on the finals.

Finals of what?

- Miss Montana.
- I see.

I mean, physically I could've won it
hands down.

Yes, I'm quite sure you could have.

Eddie.

When it came to the part where you
have to get up in front of everybody...

and talk for three minutes
about yourself...

Look, I'll tell you what.
Suppose we buy you a drink?

- Thank you.
- All right?

Why not?

Here we go.

When I did get up to speak...

I couldn't say one word.

I just stood there.

I had such a good speech, too.

It was full of funny little jokes
I made up myself.

That's nice.

I mean, that's not... That's too bad.

And then it came to my drum solo...

with the high school band.

- I never could face them again.
- That's terrible.

Three oranges, please.

So my father said that
I could come to New York...

for six months and take this course.

My father says if I get enough poise
and confidence for New York...

I'll be a cinch for Miss Montana next year.

- Is the course working?
- Yes.

I even made up a little joke about it.

Poise meets girl.

- You got it.
- Yes, I did.

Did I get it, Dad?

Well, you might have, yeah.

- Can I have a hot dog?
- No, it's near dinnertime.

Just one?

What would your mama think if she knew
you were spoiling your appetite?

Eddie, the lady asked you a question.

We ain't going home for dinner,
anyway, because...

my mother died, and the housekeeper
has got the afternoon off.

I'm sorry you have no mother, Eddie.

But...

Well, here's a good idea...

why don't you both come up
to my apartment and I'll make you dinner?

Boy!

Italian spaghetti, how's that?

I like Chinese food better than anything.

- Okay, Italian spaghetti Chinese style.
- I got a better idea.

Suppose Eddie and I take you to dinner,
Miss Montana? I mean, Miss Daly.

- How about it?
- Boy, is your hair pretty.

Is it real?

Genuine, Eddie.

Everything you see here, it's me.

Gosh!

- You know something, Dad?
- What?

I think she liked us.

She liked you, Eddie, that's for sure.

No, us.

And you know something else?

I think she's lonesome.

- Even with all that red hair.
- Maybe.

Are you lonely, Dad?

Sometimes.

Why don't you come right out
and ask Dollye to live with us?

There's an idea.

I bet she'd love to live with us.
I bet she would.

We could make her a sleep-in.

- No, it wouldn't work, Eddie.
- Why not?

For one thing,
Mrs. Livingston would have a fit.

See, Mrs. Livingston
does not like floozies.

Floozies?

Is Dollye a floozy?

No, I don't think so.

I don't think so at all.

Then why can't she live with us?

Eddie, you don't ask a woman
to live with you unless you marry her.

You could do that later.

You know, Eddie, I loved your mother
very much and I still do.

I don't think I'd like to have anybody
try to take her place.

Not just yet.

If you can't marry her,
maybe we can find somebody who can.

I don't think she wants a husband. I think
she just wants somebody to help her.

Maybe we could get somebody
to help her.

I'll think about it.

So mark that down
in your appointment books.

At the grand ballroom on the 12th...

and I'm sure none of you lovely things
out there will want to miss this.

The biggest fashion event of the year.

And, I think you ought to add, Mr. Jones...

that all the proceeds go to charity.

Did you hear it, ladies and gentlemen?
That lovely voice...

belongs to Rita Behrens...

fashion consultant for this event
and any other event.

If you could be sitting here as I am
facing this charming, this alluring...

the earth's noblest thing...

a woman perfected.

And who was it that said:

"Her eyes shall remain as dew drops
on the petals of my memory"?

Miss Behrens, we ought to get together,
go over the ground plans for this event.

How about Friday night?

Yes.

I'm sure the committee
would be happy to meet with you.

The committee. Yes, well, that isn't...

exactly what I had in mind,
but you can't say Jones doesn't try.

We'll talk about it later.

But first, a lovely ballad...

for a lovely lady.

Be right back, honey. Don't go away.

Greetings, Captain.
What's this frantic note I got...

- you wanted to see me?
- That can wait.

You gotta stop making dates on the air.

It's illegal?

- The FCC can...
- The FCC?

- Yes.
- Are you sick?

You're sick.

You ought to form an organization like AA.

"Womanics anonymous."

- Look, I'm just trying...
- You're trying to get thee to a monastery.

I'm not ready yet.
I'm not gonna give up my life as I know it.

- Keep your life off the air, will you?
- All right!

Want me to leave the girls alone?
I'll leave the girls alone.

- All right.
- Now what did you want to see me about?

I wanted to ask a favor of you.

- Mr. Corbett?
- Yes?

Your appointment's here, sir.

- Where is she?
- She's in your office.

- Would you bring her down here?
- Yes, sir.

Norm...

there's somebody I'd like you to meet.

- I mean, interview.
- Who is he?

It's a woman.

Whistler's mother? Queen Victoria?

It just so happens
that this is a very fine young girl.

Why, Captain, is it possible
you're human after all?

Quit clowning, will you? I thought you
might fit her into one of your programs.

Put her on tape, and listen to her.
Kind of give her advice, sort of...

build her up.

- Build her up?
- Yeah.

You see, what she needs
is self-confidence.

And she has this funny complex
that she has no poise.

Why, you sly old fox.
Where'd you meet her?

I met her at...

- I met her through a friend of mine.
- What's her name?

Dollye Daly.

Dollye Daly?

I like that.

It's sort of like dilly-dally.

It just so happens that Daly
is a very respectable name...

in the state of Montana, and Dollye
is a very respectable young girl...

and she's a very unassuming girl
and she's very sweet...

- and she's very simple.
- Why, of course.

You know me.

Anything for the boss.

Come in, Dilly...

Miss Daly, this is Norman Jones...

And this.

Don't tell me, this is Dollye Daly.

Why, yes.

Not one of the Montana Dalys?

Not one of the real ones.

Not related to old Marcus Daly.

See, she...

And how old is old Marcus now?

He's dead.

He died in 1863.

Sorry to hear that.

I was just telling Norm that he might...

And I'd be delighted to help,
Miss Daly. Delighted.

Why, we think the world of old Tom
around here, and any friend of Tom's is...

Tell you what. We'll all get together
Friday night and kick it around.

Couldn't we...

We'll talk it over. I'm expecting
to take out Miss Rita Behrens.

- We'll all go together.
- Friday?

I'm sorry. That's my night for bowling.

Bowling. Good, swell!
That's my game, bowling.

Keeps those old muscles in shape,
huh, Tom?

It's all settled then. Friday. See you then.

Norm...

Bowling?

How's about for Friday night?

I'm busy.

Who's that?

You mean the girl with the...

The red hair?

No, I mean the man
with the interesting smile.

Program Manager. He runs the joint.

He does have a look about him.

That happens to be the look
of a fresh widower...

and we could've been
double-dating with him Friday night.

- Dad?
- Eddie.

- I thought you'd be asleep by now.
- I feel real terrible, Dad.

I'm shivering and
my teeth are hitting each other.

Come here.

You stay here and keep the covers
over you and keep warm, all right?

Hot, I'm hot.

I'll be right back.

- Who is it?
- It's Tom Corbett.

I'm sorry, Elizabeth.
I hate to bother you, but it's Eddie.

He's sick.

I think he's real sick.
I don't know whether I should...

Any vomiting?

- No.
- Diarrhea?

I don't think so.

- Do you have a thermometer?
- Yes.

Eddie, turn over on your tummy.

That's it.

Don't worry, I won't hurt you.

Here.

What else can I...
Can I boil some water or something?

Tom, he's not gonna have a baby.
Get me some rubbing alcohol, please.

Now?

No, go to bed, and stop worrying.

- Here.
- Over there.

Tom, go to bed. Please.

- Elizabeth?
- Yes, Eddie?

You don't have your uniform on.

We'll try and get you well without it.

Good morning.

Good morning.

I thought you might need a little refueling.

I'd love some.

Sleep well?

Yes, I am very ashamed to say I did,
thanks to you.

How's the patient?

A touch of flu, 24-hour variety.
He'll bounce back fast.

Good.

You know, he's quite a boy, that Eddie.

- He let me in on a great medical secret.
- What was that?

He told me that brave boys
don't bleed much when they're hurt.

No matter how big the cut is
they hold their blood in.

Elizabeth, I don't know how to thank you
for everything, really.

There's nothing to thank me for.
I enjoyed taking care of him.

I want to pay you something.

After all, you...

stayed here all night.

You lost a whole night's sleep.

Here, have some more coffee.

I have known Eddie...

ever since he was born.

- I know, Elizabeth.
- I'm supposed to be his friend.

- Yes, I know that.
- When a friend of mine needs me...

I've been known to help
without expecting to be paid.

All right, so I made a mistake.
I was just trying to show my gratitude...

And keep everything
as impersonal as possible?

So much an hour, is that the idea?

Look, you don't have to
get so touchy when...

Touchy? I'm touchy?

You couldn't for a moment be in my debt.
Oh, no!

You think every woman that walks in that
door wants to make it a permanent visit.

All right, so you did me a favor, thank you.

- Thank you very much.
- Not on your life.

Even the volunteer services
of a volunteer nurse are worth something.

You'll have my bill by this evening.

Good morning.

Good morning.

- Dad?
- Well, now.

Why don't you like Elizabeth?

How we doing, Eddie-o?

You were talking loud out there.

I'm sorry.

Is there something about her looks
you don't like?

No.

I think she looks swell.

It couldn't be her eyes.

Her eyes?

They're not all skinny.

You know, like those ladies
in the comic books who are no good.

They always got skinny eyes.

Skinny eyes.

Anything else?

There's one other thing, but...

it's about sex.

Go ahead. I can stand it.

The bad ladies...

they always got big busts.

Now, don't get mad, Dad, but it's true.

Very big...

skinny eyes, and big busts...

is how you tell a bad lady
from a good one.

Aren't there any good ladies
in that stuff you read?

Sure...

but they always got medium-size busts...

and round eyes, of course.

I'll keep that in mind.

No matter how I feel about Elizabeth...

I'm very glad you've been
in the hands of a round-eyed girl.

Mommy.

She had round eyes.

Yes, I know.

I can still remember...

that day they took her to the hospital.

I guess I better not talk about it.

No.

No, go ahead if you want to.

Remember, Dad?

They brought that bed
with the wheels in here...

and they put her on it.

She was smiling,
but she didn't look so good.

And you know what she said to me?

What did she say, Eddie?

She called me over to her.

And she told me to be a good boy
and to take care of you.

Did you know that, Dad?

No.

I never told nobody before.

Then they wheeled her out in the hall.

I didn't think that bed
could get in the elevator...

but it did.

Do you think Mommy knew
she wasn't coming back?

I don't know.

Where is she, Dad...

right now?

Eddie, she's right smack dab
in the middle of heaven.

Do you think she remembers me?

I'm sure she does.

Bravo!

How do we stand?

Now, let's see, that makes 200 for me.

And what am I? Still...

nothing?

Mr. Jones...

are you sure bowling is your game?

We athletes all have
our off nights, you know.

You can't pitch a no-hit game every time.

Must be that old Army wound
of mine acting up.

Would you mind, Mr. Jones, if I...

show you what I think
you're doing wrong?

You just go right ahead and show me.

All right, stand behind this line.

Behind the line. Right. I got it.

- That's it.
- There we are.

Now, don't take such a big swing.

Just easy.

Easy. I see.

All right, now move straight forward.

- Forward.
- From the hips.

From the hips.

See where my hips are?

I do.

Move like that.

And, don't let your body get out of control.

Right.

- Watch me and do everything I do.
- Okay.

That's it.

I'll be darned.

What does a fashion consultant do?

You might say that
she forces her own peculiar tastes...

upon woman who have
absolutely none at all.

Sounds like a racket for snobs...

but there's really a lot
of hard work involved.

The efficient...

self-possessed American career woman.

No, never. I've seen too many
Rosalind Russell pictures for that.

No, I'm going to marry him...

just as soon as he asks me.

Who's he?

The man who'll love me on equal terms.

That old saying,
"behind every man there's a woman."

That's not for me.

I want to stand right alongside.

Is that asking too much?

I'm afraid you're gonna have to be
satisfied with the vote right now.

I don't think that that'll ever become
a national movement.

You have rules?

There are eight rules
in the course all together.

The eight golden rules to poise
and self-confidence.

What's number two?

Number two: Stand straight...

hold your head high, and breathe deeply.

I like that.

Number two.

Number three: Show your enthusiasm.

By all means.

And number four: Give yourself to others.

- There! l...
- They're insecure, too.

- Number five...
- lf you'll pardon my saying so...

I think the guy that wrote these rules
ought to be arrested.

It's not a man.

It's a woman.

The Henrietta Rockefeller
Poise and Confidence School.

I know. I don't think
that's her real name, either.

Rockefeller.

I just think she took that name...

to make people feel more confident.

Oh, yeah. That'll do it every time.

Norm, did you ever get
that 1924 pressing...

of the Wolverines playing
the Jazz Me Blues that I sent you?

What do you mean did I get it?
I played it on the air. I interviewed you.

Yeah. What an arrangement.

- That's my bowling ball.
- Yeah, that's her bowling ball.

Ricky, we don't get together
nearly enough.

Why don't you drop up
to the program some time?

Any morning at all, buddy.
Always glad to see you.

You just don't know
how I envy you, Mr. Jones.

Your self-composure...

your command, your sangfroid.

Well, you just don't ever
seem to suffer from feeling inadequate.

That's only a front. Don't you see?

Deep down inside
I'm just as inadequate as anyone else.

But you gotta have that front, kid.
You gotta fake it.

You can do it. You're very smart.

That's not my problem, Mr. Jones.
I had the highest scholastic average...

of all the girls who competed
for Miss Montana.

But when I got up in front
of all those people to recite...

- and play my drum solo...
- That's just what I mean.

Fake it. That's rule number one
with me, boy.

Fake it up. Doesn't make
any difference what you do.

Singing, dancing...

glass-blowing. You like to recite?

Get up and recite. So you bomb out.
Nobody's gonna kill you.

The point is to get in there and fake it.

That's all right for you to say.
You're so good at everything.

Yeah, like bowling.

You got a lot to give, kid.

Get up and give it.

Anything.

- What was that other thing?
- My drum solo.

Yeah.

Well, even that.

Look, we might as well start right now.

- Start what?
- Come on with me, right through here.

It's all right.

John, my friend would like
to sit in on the drums.

- Mr. Jones, please.
- It's all right.

- How about it?
- She's got it, man.

- Come on.
- Mr. Jones, really I can't.

Come on with me, right through here.

How about it, Jack?

- I was just leaving.
- There we are.

- Move right in and sit down.
- What's the scene, Miss?

He means what number
would you like to play?

Do you know the Carnival of Venice?

It's our trademark.

- Do you know Carnival of Venice?
- Like the inside of my hand.

- Mr. Jones...
- Don't forget. Henrietta Rockefeller.

So?

Well, so that's about it.

Things get a little difficult sometimes.
But I have Eddie.

What's more important, Eddie has you.

Yes. Me and just about
everybody else in the building.

He runs in and out of those apartments
just like he owns them.

Of course, they all know he's polite
and says "thank you" and everything.

You know, sometimes he forgets
to zip himself up.

Well...

Does he act that way
around all your friends?

Well, it depends what they have in mind.

I see. Well, then.

Say, I gotta get going.

I really should.

I mean, the housekeeper's
sitting up with Eddie...

- and I don't want to worry her.
- Of course.

Hello. Hello, Ronnie.

No, I was out this evening.

Well, why don't you...

call me back in the morning?

Yes. What?

Christmas?

Well, hold the line a minute.

Are you doing anything for Christmas?

Christmas, I'm taking Eddie
up to my brother's place in Connecticut.

- A little family atmosphere.
- I understand.

Ronnie, I think I can make it for Christmas.

Well, why don't you
call me back in the morning?

Hold the line a minute, will you?

What about New Year's?

- New Year's?
- I'm having a party. You're invited.

I accept.

Ronnie, I'll talk to you in the morning.

Well...

I'm sorry.

It's funny. My taking you to dinner.

It's like I'm going out on a first date.

Did you kiss her good night?

Twice.

- ?Arriba!
- ?Ol?!

?Arriba!

Gotta listen.

- Ol?!
- Ol?!

You missed it!

Well, that does it.

If I don't get out of here now,
I'll never get home tonight.

Say, honey...

could you stay with Eddie for a while?

- Well, l...
- Please.

- Sure, I'd be glad to.
- Good.

Mr. Corbett will be home any minute.

And, Eddie, you go to bed.

- Adi?s.
- Adi?s.

Elizabeth?

Can't I just stay up until Dad gets here?

I want to ask him something.

What?

How he made out with his date.

Eddie...

are you...

anxious for your father to get married?

Sure. It'll make him happy again.

You realize, of course...

that his wife would be your stepmother,
and not just a housekeeper.

I know, that part ain't so hot.
A stepmother.

She'd make me go to bed early.

And she'd say, "My, aren't we dirty?"

When she means, "You're dirty."
Me, I mean.

You often are.

She won't let me run through the rooms.

She'll keep the lid down in the bathroom.

When I'm racing up from the playground...

I don't hardly make it in time
when the lid's down.

Those aren't the best reasons
I've ever heard, Eddie.

I got a great idea!

If Dad got married,
would he have to tell anybody?

- Why would you want to keep it a secret?
- Well...

he could get married,
and we could pretend...

that she took the place of Mrs. Livingston.

And I'd be real nice to her, and polite.

Dad could have discussions with her.

Get a baby, and go to the movies,
and all that.

But we could tell everybody
that she's our new housekeeper.

See, then I wouldn't have a stepmother.

Eddie, do you really think
any woman would go for that?

- Would you?
- No.

Why not? It wouldn't be so hard.

Except for maybe the baby part.

How do you get babies anyway?

Well...

Saved in the nick of time.

Saved from what?

Babies and stepmothers.

We were just getting down
to the basic facts.

He's all yours.

How'd you make out, Dad?

Never mind how I made out.

- You should be in bed, Eddie.
- And so should I.

- Tom.
- Yes.

Be honest. Be frank.

All the books say so. Good night.

- Good...
- Good night, Eddie.

Good night, Elizabeth.

What was that all about?

Well, I just asked how you got babies.

I think it's a little late for that.

Let's go.

- 'Night, Dad.
- Good night, Eddie-o.

It was William the Conqueror.

He ordered that new years start
on January 1.

The Egyptians had it in September.

Dollye, you never cease to amaze me.

I don't want to brag.

But I did have a very high
scholastic average.

And yet...

every time I got up
to say my piece or speak...

Oh, dear.

Do you know many pieces?

I have loads of them.

Even one for New Year's.

- You do?
- It's just beautiful. It's called...

The Death of the Old Year.

"Full knee-deep

"lies the winter snow

"And the winter winds
are wearily sighing

"Toll ye the church bell sad and slow

"And tread softly

"and speak low

"for the old year

"lies a-dying."

It's a little grim, don't you think?

Rita, do you think Norman likes me?

Well, he...

he seems to.

I don't know what's wrong.

He does seem to, but...

he's never even kissed me good night.

Is there something about me that...

Hello?

This is Corbett Catering.

You said Champagne, caviar,
and something else.

What was that something else?

That something else was anchovies.
And don't you dare come without them.

Anchovies, right. Anchovies it will be.

And we will be there
in about one half of an hour. All right?

- Dad?
- Yeah.

What do the numbers mean
after a lady's name?

Eddie, I am so busy right now, l...

It says here, "40-18-35."

Holy smoke. Who's that?

Jayne Mans...

F, I...

E, L, D.

Yeah.

What do the numbers mean? Did she win?

- Did she beat somebody?
- She probably could if she wanted to.

I lost my cuff link around here somewhere.
Do you mind looking for it?

- Sure.
- Maybe it's under the bed there.

What do the numbers mean?

They're inches. 40's the bust.

What's the other two numbers?

It's the waist and the hips.

Suppose the first one, the bust was 20,
what would happen?

Absolutely nothing. Poor girl.

This lady you're going out with,
what does she measure?

What are you smiling for?

I was just thinking of something.

What's your favorite inches
on a lady, Dad?

I'd say 36.

36-36-36.

Come on now. Use your head, Eddie.
If it was...

36-36-36, she'd be straight up and down,
wouldn't she?

How many inches should she dent in?

I never counted. I mean, you just...

You make a woman sound like
a dented fender or something.

Thank you.

- Will you let me know, Dad?
- What?

About the lady's inches tonight.
I'd be very interested.

I don't walk around
carrying a tape measure, Eddie.

We got one in the house. Wait a minute.

- Never mind. I'll guess.
- Tape measure, for what?

For the lady.

Never mind, Mrs. Livingston. It's all right.

- You have a good time.
- Thank you.

- You'll let me know in the morning?
- Absolutely not.

You grow up and get your own girl.

- Dad.
- Look, I'm very late.

Happy New Year, Dad.

Happy New Year, Eddie.

Happy New Year!

"And tho' his foes speak ill of him,
He was a friend to me

"Old year, you shall not die

"We did so laugh and cry with you

"I've half a mind to die with you,
Old year, if you must die

"Old year, if you must..."

It was the wrong X-ray.

That's so funny.

Well, good night, Elizabeth.

- Good night, Charlie.
- And thanks again.

Well, sounds like you
had a pretty good time.

Yes.

We had a lovely time.

It was a million laughs.

Would you like a small sample
of tonight's humor?

Yes. What?

At the nightclub, the ma?tre d' asked us
if we'd like to sit down front.

Right, well?

Charlie to ma?tre d':

- "I'm sorry, sir, we don't bend that way."
- Oh, no.

All evening?

No.

The rest of the evening
was taken up with...

the notochord, the ectoderm,
the esoderm, and the mesoderm.

He specializes in rare diseases of the bone.

What fun.

You wouldn't think so, if you had
to listen to bone jokes all night.

And I think I intend
to drink myself to sleep.

Can I help?

I mean, I have some
pretty good brandy in there.

- I'd love some.
- Come on.

El del segundo tiene un dormitorio...

sala y comedor.

?Da tambi?n al patio?

No. Da a la calle.

?Cu?nto es el alquiler?

El alquiler del m?s grande...

es de 5,000 pesetas al a?o.

Adem?s del agua...

- That's her Spanish lesson.
- I know, she told me.

Tom, it's very...

I'm glad I didn't go back to my room.

'Cause I'd only cry...

- and I don't want to.
- Come on now. It wasn't that bad.

No, it's just New Year's Eve.

I'm glad I don't get this way very often.

How long has it been since the divorce?

A year. It wasn't so bad.

It was the same old story, I guess.
We were very young...

- no fatal damage.
- Yeah, but a few scars.

I'm still young. They'll heal.

I take it that the bone doctor
is not in the running.

He is very fond of my...

- pectoral girdle.
- Good for him.

That's very good, you know,
'cause I've been...

I've been quite fond of it myself
for quite some time.

Happy New Year, Tom.

A happier New Year.

For both of us.

Table 23.

- Good afternoon, Miss Behrens.
- Edmund, has Mr. Corbett arrived yet?

Eddie.

- I hope I haven't kept you waiting.
- No, of course not.

Eddie, I'd like you to meet Miss Behrens.
This is Eddie.

How do you do?

I'm so glad to meet you.
I've heard a lot about you.

He's a charming child.

Thank you.

What lovely manners.

I won't pretend that
he hasn't been coached a bit.

- Donald.
- Yes, Miss Behrens.

Thank you.

This is a very special occasion,
our first meeting.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, we were just talking about Eddie.

He's gonna have a birthday. And...

we're gonna have a party.

How wonderful.

You know...

every time the year goes by
we always have a party for Eddie.

Every year, Eddie has...

a birthday party.

And the house just
gets jammed with kids.

Doesn't it, Eddie?

Yes, it certainly does get crowded.

- Was that your foot, Dad?
- I'm sorry, Eddie.

But Eddie likes it that way, so...

why not? Eddie?

Eddie?

It's going to be bigger than ever.

Mrs. Livingston is going
to bake a big cake.

Elizabeth said she'd bring
the candy and help out like.

Elizabeth?

- Yes, that's our next-door neighbor.
- I see.

May I come to your party, Eddie?

- Well...
- I'd like to help out, too.

Okay, if you want to.

Thank you very much.

Excuse me.

- Pardon us a minute, will you, please?
- Of course.

It's right up those steps there to the left.

Eddie, what's the matter with you?

Nothing.

I don't like the way you're behaving.

When you come back,
will you please try to smile...

- and act like you're enjoying yourself?
- Sure, Dad.

I'll try.

Good boy.

He's just wonderful, Tom.

- He's delightful.
- I have known him to give...

warmer receptions to people, I'm afraid.

After all, I have taken
you away from him for...

several evenings now.

He's probably just a little jealous.

I suppose so.

We're going to get along just fine.

- Do I fly?
- No, you swing.

All right, kids.
Come and get your signs on.

You go get Katie and Tommy,
and bring them back here.

Come on, kids!

Get your sign on. Come on.
All right. Here we go.

You all have to be animals.

See, the idea is we never
let it go any faster.

Jane, you never point
a gun at anybody, ever.

Kelly, out of the fish.
We don't play with the fish, Kelly.

- You sit right there, Kelly.
- Mr. Corbett!

- What is it?
- Do I quack?

- Do you what?
- Do I quack?

Let's see.

No, you don't have the nose for...

See what happened when you made it...

I told you to stay out of the fish. Mike...

- is this your brother?
- Yes.

Will you please take care of him?

Melissa, she saw a monster!

- Where?
- In Eddie's room, under the table.

Under the table. It's all right.

And your front legs are shorter
than your back!

Hello!

I'm sorry, I can't hear!

I'm sorry, it's difficult to hear. What?

This is Elizabeth Marten.

Elizabeth?

Yes, Tom's mentioned you.
This is Rita Behrens.

I wonder, could I speak to Tom, please?

Miss Behrens.

Yes, of course. Hold on a minute.

Tom!

You're wanted on the phone.

- Who is it?
- Miss Behrens.

Right.

Hello?

Listen, it's very noisy here.
Where are you?

At home. You'll never guess
what's happened.

It's Norm and Dollye. They're engaged.

- They're actually engaged.
- Is that Tom?

Yes.

I was just leaving for the party
when they arrived with the news.

It can't be that noisy here.
I don't think I heard you right.

- Really, Tom. They...
- Here, let me.

Hail, Cupid, and come on over.

Sure we are. Right here next month.
Then off to Montana for the honeymoon.

If you can't make it now,
how about tonight?

I was supposed to take Eddie
to a birthday dinner tonight, but...

- Let me handle him.
- Don't let us down, buddy.

But I can't foul up an engagement party.

Especially when I'm responsible for it.

Look, I'll tell you what.
I'll be there, I'll pick you up.

Right.

- Mrs. Livingston...
- I'm busy.

- I mean, it's just for tonight...
- I'm busy.

Come on, little Indian.

Dad...

Richard found out he was a zebra
by looking in the bathroom mirror.

- Does it count?
- No. Absolutely not.

Elizabeth, what's eating Mrs. Livingston?

Are the kids getting her down
or what is it?

- Seems all right to me.
- Almost bit my head off.

All I said was,
"Would you help me out tonight?"

- Tonight?
- I had to take Eddie to dinner.

Something came up.

- I can't make it.
- I see.

- I was just thinking maybe you could...
- I'm busy.

All you'd have to do is...

I'm busy.

Elizabeth, somebody said I bite.
Could you give me a big hint?

It takes one to know one. Ask him.

Somebody said I bite.
Could you give me a big hint?

Let's take a look.

'Bye, I'm glad you could come.

Dad, they're gone now. Everyone.

I'll never be the same, Eddie.

You were cool, Dad. All the kids said so.

Boy, I had a wonderful birthday.

That's good. That's real good.

- Everyone came. Everyone I invited.
- They sure did, didn't they?

The house was nice and noisy
for a change, wasn't it?

For a change, it was.

It'll be so quiet tonight.

I'm glad we're going out for dinner.

Eddie...

I'm glad, too. Happy Birthday, Eddie.

- Can Elizabeth come?
- Nope. You, me, us.

Elizabeth, she's busy.

Okay. Everybody, hold it.

Where am I?

We wish you every happiness, my dear.

Congratulations, my boy.

Thank you.

Congratulations.

You were the most lovely bride.

Dollye?

You know, you'll never be
Miss Montana now.

I don't have to be anymore.

- That's rule eight.
- Eight?

Fall in love, and love will make you brave.

Eddie!

Eddie, my very first boyfriend.

I brought you something.

You did?

- Open it.
- For me?

What is it?

Isn't that nice?

I thought you'd like it now
for your husband.

It's swell, Eddie. It's just beautiful.

Shall I put it on now?

Why not?

The very first piece of cake goes to Eddie.

- Thank you.
- And thank you, darling.

And thank you, Mr. Corbett.
Thanks for everything.

Wait a minute. Hold it.

Congratulations!

- How's the cake?
- I don't want any.

I think I'm sick.

Sick?

Yes.

Let's go home, Dad.

Look, we planned to have dinner
with Rita in Central Park.

I don't feel good.

All right, now. Let's have it out right now.

What is there that bothers you about Rita?

Now, so help me, if you say
she's got skinny eyes, I'll clobber you.

- But she has, Dad!
- I don't care if she's got polka-dot eyes!

There's no reason not to like her.

- I'm trying.
- Stop trying and just like her.

You understand?

Is something wrong with Eddie?

I'm afraid he's not feeling very well, Rita.

What a shame. I'm sorry.

You know how it is with kids.

These things come on real quickly.

But I'm afraid that we're gonna
have to cancel our dinner date.

Yes, you'd better if he's not feeling well.

Yes. I really ought
to take him home right now.

You understand, though, don't you?

Of course. I understand.

Rita!

How about that?

The new bride and groom.

Shall you meet us in Montana
or wait for us here?

How about that, Captain? You're next.

Does he have to take all this?
I thought we had to stick...

- to the list the camp sent us here.
- Exactly what we have, Mr. Corbett.

It says seven blouses or seven shirts.

No. He can't take these.

- Get rid of these once and for all.
- Mr. Corbett, without those...

you know good and well he couldn't walk.

It says seven socks here. Let me see.

Una, dos, tres, cuatro...

I'm going. Did you fix it?

Did I fix it? I certainly did.

There. What do you think?

Boy, is that neato.

How'd you sew it on there?

It wasn't too difficult.

- Can I put it on now?
- Sure.

There.

They're gonna think
you're one of the counselors.

It's great.

Like I'm really out of school now.

You told me you liked school.

At the beginning is all.

They're nice at the beginning...

'cause they don't want you
to hate school right off.

But after Christmas
they don't care anymore.

They let you hate it.

Will you visit camp with Dad?

Maybe. We'll see about that.

Now that I'm gone...

maybe you can have discussions with Dad.

You know, long ones?
Like Mom and Dad did...

when they'd shut the bedroom door.

We'll see about that, too.

Eddie-o!

Coming, Dad!

Goodbye, Elizabeth.

Goodbye, Eddie. Have a good time.

Eddie! The bus is here!

Don't forget your fish, Eddie!

- Here you are.
- Thanks, Mrs. Livingston.

- Take care.
- ?Adi?s, Muchacho!

?Adi?s!

Have a good time!

'Bye!

That boy sure is crazy about you, isn't he?

I'm pretty crazy about him, too.

It's a shame you and Mr. Corbett...

get on each other's nerves so much.

Mr. Corbett doesn't get on my nerves.

We get along just fine.

I don't know where you got that idea.

I mean, we might have
our little differences now and then...

Don't wait too long, honey.

What?

I got a feeling that man's on the verge.

Mr. Corbett is free to verge
whichever way he wants to.

Okay, honey...

but don't say I didn't tell you.

And it won't be long, either.

Play ball!

I think Eddie's up to bat.

Why don't you go on ahead?

- Hi, Dad!
- Hi, Eddie!

- Eddie!
- Get the ball, Tony.

Tony!

- Safe!
- It's a home run!

That was terrific.

He's gonna be a champ, isn't he?

Let's see now.

We can check off the volleyball...

and the water polo and the relay races.

You don't mind missing
the girls' archery, Dad?

No. I'm sure Rita will give us
a full report on that.

Hi, Mike.

This is Mike, my roommate.

- Hi, Mike.
- Hi.

This is where I sleep.

All right.

- Dad?
- Yeah?

There's something I have to tell you.

What is it, Eddie-o?

It's serious.

You aren't looking at me.

I'm sorry, Eddie.

All right.

I was going to write you about it...

but they censor the mail.

- Do you know what that means?
- Yes, I do.

All right. I'm serious. I'm looking at you.

I'm sure we can take care of
whatever trouble it might be.

I'm sure we can do
something about it, Eddie.

There ain't nothing we can do, Dad.

Suppose you let me be the judge of that.

What seems to be the trouble?

Promise you won't tell anyone,
not anyone?

No, not a soul. This is just between
you and me, all right?

Dad, for the first time in my life...

my whole life, I'm...

I'm in love.

That's very serious, Eddie.

And she loves me, Dad.

That's good. I'm glad of that.

Her name's Cherry.

Cherry? You know,
that's a very pretty name.

But her real name's Cheryl Candace.

Cherry for short.

You know what you oughta do?
You oughta call her Cherry Candy.

- Don't kid me, Dad.
- I'm sorry.

Is she real pretty?

She's beautiful.

Except from behind.

Behind?

Girls aren't so pretty from behind, Dad.

You must like her an awful lot, Eddie.

I do. I ain't kidding around, Dad.

I'd like to give her a present.

You would? That's very nice.
What would you like to give her?

Money.

Money?

I'd like to give her money.

- Why don't you just give her a book, or...
- She can't read good...

and I like to give her
the things she likes best.

And she likes money the best.

She loves money.

She thinks money's terrific, honest.

Look, I'm very sorry, Eddie,
but money is out.

I mean, why don't you give her...

something of yours?
Something you like very much.

Women like that, Eddie.

- It pleases them.
- My old sneakers.

- Eddie, you're not listening to me at all...
- But, Dad, Cherry loves my old sneakers.

She won
the "Junior Red Cross lifesaving...

"getting undressed underwater"
contest with them on.

She borrowed them from me.

Eddie, that's a perfect gift.

There's one thing, Dad.

Okay. What's that?

Cherry's a little bit fat.

But that's not important.

Of course, it's not important at all.

Some of the kids call her "fatso"...

- but I would never call her fatso.
- I'm very glad, Eddie.

That's us. Here we go.

Here we go again. Let's see now.
Come on, Eddie.

That's 3:45. That's the wood-burning
demonstration, I believe.

Dad?

I'm sorry. What is it?

When you meet Cherry...

don't look surprised, okay?

I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings.

Eddie. You're a prince.

Now, I've made a list here
and I'd appreciate it if you would...

He's gonna be a great ball player
if he gets more control...

over where that ball goes.

- Thanks again.
- You're welcome. Thanks.

- Thank you so much.
- Goodbye.

I wouldn't have missed this for the world.

I guess you really like baseball a lot.

I like it, I guess.

Like it? It's his whole life!

Your little friend. What's her name?

Cherry, she must like to watch you play.

Look, I didn't say a word, son.

- Did I say something?
- No, it's...

Listen, I'll be along in a minute.

Goodbye, Eddie. I had a wonderful time.

You told her.

I did not tell her.

Then how did she know?

Eddie, you were practically standing
on your head all afternoon...

for this little girl.
Now, why shouldn't she know?

You mean, Rita guessed?

That's exactly what I mean.

Is she a fortune teller or something?

Listen, I don't like Rita, Dad.

She butts in.

Don't you like Elizabeth?

What if you marry Rita,
and she knows everything?

All right, now let's get
this one thing straight.

You're a boy, and I'm a man.

When you grow up, you'll live your life.

I live my life.
That's what a man's supposed to do.

I'm gonna tell you something, Eddie.

I'm gonna ask Rita to marry me.

That's the way it is, Eddie.

Try to understand.

Hi, Eddie! Your father's nice.

- I like him...
- Shut up.

- Care for a brandy?
- Right.

I'll get it.

Oh, dear.

What's the matter?

I look overdanced, overtired,
overfed, over-hiked...

through summer camp.

In short, I'm deliciously exhausted.

Good. Then I'll take advantage
of your weakened condition...

and come right out with it now.

Sounds ominous. Out with what?

You care to sit down?

Aren't I? Right.

Fire one.

It's only one...

and I don't think
you're gonna be very surprised.

Shall I get down on one knee?

What's the matter? Have I botched it up?

Have I picked the wrong time,
the wrong place?

No, Tom, of course not. It's just that...

I think there are things
that we should discuss.

Something that ought
to be cleared up between us if we...

Go ahead.

Tom, I've always been a realist.

For better or worse I've always tried
to say exactly what I think.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Then surely you must realize,
darling, that...

Eddie isn't exactly going
to welcome me with open arms.

Eddie?

You were the one who said that
a little bit of jealousy is perfectly normal.

You just gotta give him time, that's all.

He's had time. He's had plenty of time.

And it hasn't done much good.

But he's only a child.

I mean, surely you and I can look
at this thing in a mature way?

Exactly.

That's just what I'm trying to do.

If there was some way...

that Eddie could go
and spend a few months...

with your brother's family, just at first...

Send...

Eddie...

away?

Not forever, darling.

Just to give us a chance
to get our life started together.

That's all I'm asking.

Can you think of anything else?

Eddie's not going to change suddenly...

just because we're married.

It would seem that...

Eddie isn't our only problem.

Darling, we must face this now.

I know.

Hello.

Who's calling? Just a minute.

Tom, it's the switchboard operator
at your apartment. Are you here?

Mr. Corbett, I found you!
I've been trying for three hours.

That summer camp,
they've called here twice.

They don't want to alarm you,
but it seems Eddie is missing.

- They sent out searching parties...
- When was this?

Have they notified...

Call the camp. Tell them I'm leaving now.
I'll be there in a couple of hours.

- Tom, what is it?
- It's Eddie.

- What about Eddie? What happened?
- He's gone.

We have three cars out now.

We'll hear from them any minute.

They got a helicopter with a loudspeaker
traveling over the North Woods area.

They'll call the YMCA camp,
and form two search parties now.

- Boy Scouts are searching the valley.
- And the lake area?

- We've got men there.
- We can't drag the lake until morning.

- That must be 100 feet deep.
- But Eddie can swim.

- He can swim well.
- Mr. Corbett...

- why don't we wait in the bunkhouse?
- Yes. We're doing everything.

We'll let you know.

I'm gonna go check
with the State Highway Patrol.

All right, men, let's go.

- Can I get you a cup of coffee?
- No, thank you.

Hi, Mike.

Listen, would you...

- would you tell me something?
- Sure.

Did Eddie ever go into the woods alone?

I mean, did you ever see him...

do anything sort of dangerous?

Look, I'm sure he wouldn't mind,
I mean, telling me.

- Anything to help me find Eddie.
- No.

You see...

you're his best friend.

Maybe he'd tell you some plans...

he might have had, or...

some sort of secret?

You know, something
he might not have told me?

He told me a secret about something else.

That wouldn't count, though.

Maybe it might.

Please, you got to help me, Mike.

You gotta tell me.

He's gonna be a clarinet player
when he grows up.

Gonna practice secretly
and surprise everybody.

He told me he's gonna surprise even you.

Go to sleep, Mike.

Mr. Corbett, there's a call for you.

It may be about your son.

They said it was from New York,
a Miss Elizabeth Marten.

Hello?

Elizabeth?

How did you know that I...?

- Where is he?
- He's asleep.

Let's go to your place, and I'll tell you.

- How did he get here?
- Calm down.

- I don't wanna wake him up.
- What is he trying to do?

- Why did he come to you?
- He was upset.

Where are your keys?
He said you were marrying someone...

and he wanted to do something about it.
So he took off.

- He hid in a truck.
- A truck?

- Please calm down, and open the door.
- That meathead kid!

Don't be too rough.

He's all right, isn't that
the main thing right now?

He got off in Manhattan,
and the police picked him up...

The police?

They brought him here.
He was looking for me.

That's what I mean!
Why is he looking for you?

Don't wake him!
He's upset, and he's had a bad time!

He's had a bad time?

Do you have any idea
what I've been through tonight?

- You've been through a lot, too.
- Thank you for those small crumbs!

You're not to disturb him
until you calm down!

- I'm gonna do a lot more than that!
- Don't you touch him!

There now, see what you've done?

Is anything wrong?

What do you want me to do?

You want him to run loose,
do anything he likes...

just so he crawls back
to rest in your comforting arms?

That's a terrible thing to say.

If he's gonna come back,
let him come back to me!

So you can beat him up?

Oh, yes.

Haven't you heard?
Yes, I beat him up all the time.

It's criminal, what I do to that child.
I string him up by the thumbs...

I put bamboo sticks
underneath his fingernails.

It's terrible what I do.
I'm an offense to humanity!

Hello?

Rita, listen, I got there.

It was quite late and the whole thing
became sort of involved.

Can I call you back?

All right, go ahead and say it.

My consort in criminal offense.

I never mentioned the woman.

Why, you and Eddie
must have had quite a conversation.

It's a wonder there are any pieces
of Rita left to pick up.

I don't have to stand for this,
from you or anybody!

Look, as a matter of record...

she has not done one single thing
to make this boy dislike her!

All this nonsense about skinny eyes...

Her what?

Not one single thing, and you make her
out to be some character out of Dracula.

I couldn't care less about her.
It's Eddie that I'm worried about!

Would you please let me think
about Eddie for a change?

He is my son, isn't he?

Everybody knocking him and bouncing
him back and forth to get to me.

- To get to me, yes!
- To get to...

That is, without a doubt,
the most egotistical, sickening...

The irresistible Don Juan,
lines of women climbing over children...

to swoon at your feet!

No trick too devious, no child too small...

I can see how your marriage had to fail.

If you think I'm gonna fall apart
and say I'm sorry...

you're out of luck.

All right, I deserved it. I'm a louse.

Look, what is there about you
that I always...

You told me one time that any woman
who walked in that door...

I was afraid might want to
make it a permanent visit.

Well, you were right.

You see, I always was...

afraid of getting involved.

Afraid of perhaps being a little disloyal...

but...

haven't you been doing the same thing?

What do you mean?

In a different way, sort of,
you never go out at all.

Except with bone doctors.

And you've tied yourself down
to a nursing career for one year.

Why?

Isn't it because you're afraid
of getting involved?

Isn't it because
you're afraid of another failure?

Isn't that the truth?

It's me, I bet.

I heard you talking loud.

You want to spank me or something?

- It isn't you, Eddie.
- You mean, Dad made you cry?

He sure is a dope sometimes.

He's not a dope.

You mustn't talk that way.

Your father was very worried about you
and I don't blame him.

- But I told you.
- Never mind what you told me.

What you did was wrong, Eddie,
and I'm ashamed of you.

- But...
- No buts.

You think Chester would
run out on Matt Dillon?

No, but Matt Dillon ain't marrying Rita!

But that's strictly your father's decision,
and you have no right to interfere.

Now, I think you should go over there
and tell him you're sorry.

You want him to marry Rita?

If that's what he wants to do
and he loves her, yes.

All right, then.

- Eddie.
- Yes?

Take your bag.

I don't think you should
come over here anymore.

At least, not for a while.

Dad?

I'm sorry.

Are you going to spank me?

No.

It was bad, what I done.

Don't you want to yell at me even?

I promise, Dad, from now on...

I'll like Rita.

You'll see. I'll like her a lot.

And I'll buy her a present and everything.

Eddie...

Eddie, do you know
what you've put me through?

- Yeah.
- I wonder.

You know...

you are the most important thing
in the world to me, Eddie.

If anything should ever happen to you...

if I didn't know where you were for a day...

or a week...

I don't know what I'd do.

I guess I didn't think.

I guess you didn't.

But I won't do it again.

I won't ever leave you again, Dad.

I won't even go back to camp
unless you want me to.

I'll stay right here with you.

- You better get some sleep.
- Sure.

Hello? Rita...

I was gonna call you.

What happened to Eddie?

He ran away. He's home now.

Is he all right?

Yeah, he's fine. Don't worry about him.

Good.

Then we'll meet tomorrow for lunch.

Look, you see, I...

may have to take Eddie back to camp...

and spend the day with him.

You see, he's very disturbed
at the moment.

And I think I ought
to spend more time with him.

- I see.
- You understand.

Yes, of course. I understand.

We'll make it some other time, then.

- Good night, Rita.
- Good night, Tom.

You're all set.

Everything's clean,
and everything's washed up.

Like the birds, Mr. Corbett,
I'm heading south.

You've been a real jewel.
I hate to see you go.

And I hate to leave. Goodbye, sweetheart.

And I'll send you a postcard
from South America.

- In Spanish?
- Sure, in Spanish.

You've forgotten something?
Your record, Instant Spanish.

- I was afraid you'd bring it up.
- What's the matter?

They live in Brazil.
Do you know what that means?

- No.
- Do you know what they speak in Brazil?

Portuguese. Now they tell me!

I can always join the Peace Corps.
Goodbye, Mr. Corbett.

I'm sorry you didn't
make out with that girl.

But don't give up hope,
and don't let your guard down.

And keep a look out for the floozies.

Right.

- Goodbye!
- 'Bye!

Goodbye, Mrs. Livingston.

Dad...

what did she mean about not making out?

Was she talking about Rita?

Yeah, I guess so.

You only saw her once last week.

Come on, Eddie, eat your lunch.

Fact is...

we're still very good friends, but...

You don't love her anymore?

Is it my fault?

Look, Eddie...

when you fall in love with somebody,
or you think you do...

it's for a lot of different reasons.

And then, when things don't work out...

there's a lot of reasons for that, too.

Dad...

I bet Elizabeth was one of the reasons.

Look, we're not gonna start playing
guessing games about it.

- But we can talk about her, can't we?
- Sure.

It won't do any good.

- She won't even speak to me.
- I know. She won't speak to me, either.

How did she get that mad?

Never mind.

If you ask her for a date,
I bet she'd speak to you.

It's no use, Eddie.

- Wouldn't you like to ask her for a date?
- I would.

I would like to very much.

Let's forget about it.

Dad...

I got an idea, Dad. Let's practice.

- Practice what?
- Practice asking her for a date.

- Nope.
- lf you make it good enough, she...

- Nope.
- Please, Dad.

- I'm Elizabeth, and you be you.
- No, Eddie.

Just ask me, that's all. I'm home, see?

And I'm looking plainly out the window.

Looking how?

You know, not happy, not sad.
Just a plain face.

And I sent my cleaning lady to the movies.

It sounds like you're...

kind of anxious.

No, I'm not, my darling man.

Not so fast, Eddie.
Elizabeth just wouldn't talk like that.

I talk for Elizabeth, and you talk for you.
Okay, Dad?

Okay.

What did you do today, Elizabeth?

I didn't do nothing much,
my future husband.

Future husband?

What's wrong with that, if she loves you?
And she does. I can tell.

Now, let's see. Where was I?

Is there anything you want to ask me,
my sugar man?

Sugar...

Yes. As a matter of fact.

I like you very much.

I like you better, my handsome man.

Would you...

care to have dinner with me tonight, dear?

That's good, Dad. Calling me "dear."
That's real good.

- Would you?
- You bet, my excellent strong man!

Just call me tonight
and tomorrow night and all week!

I'm overwhelmed.

And if you want to, I'll even marry you.
Just call me.

I mean her. Call her right now, Dad.

- How do I know she's home?
- She's home. I made sure.

Go on. Go ahead, Dad.

All right, I will.

It's Regent 4-8599.

Your phone's ringing!

- What?
- Your telephone!

No, it's not, Eddie.

You gotta pick it up!
It could be important!

Very important!

Hurry!

Hello?

English