The Color Wheel (2011) - full transcript

Nice shirt.

How am I being unpleasant?

Well, you're not being unpleasant,

but you are making this
an unpleasant situation,

instead of making it an erotic one
like I am.

Yeah, really erotic, Colin.

I mean, again, you don't seem to grasp

that we could be talking about
forty-eight, maybe seventy-two hours

without me here.

So, you might want to, want to
think about some passion occurring.

Like, immediately.



Why are you even helping your
sister?

I thought you and your parents hated JR.

We do, but, you know,

she asked for a favor
and I said yes.

You know, you don't have any siblings

so you have no frame of reference
for what it's like

when one of them asks for a favor.

Like I said, two maybe even three days
so this is definitely

a great opportunity for us
to share something wonderful.

Now come on, can we please stop arguing

and start enjoying one another's company
in a very real way?

We can't even negotiate
for a handjob or something?

What do you suggest I do with this
massive black man sized erection

I made special just for you?



That's racist.

What did we talk about
with you saying racist jokes?

That you love it.

By the way, that was a compliment
to any black man with a large penis.

Which is all of them, so...

Colin, you should change your pants.
Those are dirty and ugly.

- Colin!
- Is your sister here already?

What? No. You didn't just hear her
yell my name.

Which is actually what I would like
you to be doing,

during the passion
we'll be sharing momentarily.

I'll walk you out.

- Colin! Let's go.
- Oh, don't you look like a movie star.

Oh, thanks, so do you.

So, this must be important for you
to drag your brother into it.

It is actually, it's college related.
You probably wouldn't understand.

I heard you were living with your
professor and dating him

and then he threw you out.

Goodbye Colin.
Goodbye JR. It's been a pleasure.

Yeah, the movie star I meant
was the bathtub monster in The Shining.

Have a nice day.

- Blow me, JR.
- Done.

Goodbye, my sweetness.

I'll call you.
She gave me the finger.

- Or me.
- Gave us the finger.

No maybe it was you. Probably you.
How long have you guys been together?

- Like three and a half...
- Months?

- Years.
- Ugh!

- But it feels like at least four.
- Here, you drive. Please.

- What?
- Please.

- What the hell is all this crap?
- This isn't crap.

How am I supposed to enjoy driving
on this trip

if this car is full
of all this garbage?

What the fuck is this thing,
why is this in the driver's seat?

Oh my god, give that back.
Colin, give that back.

What is this?

Stop it. You're so annoying.
Give it.

What do you mean what is this,
this is my vision board?

What the fuck is a vision board?

What is this giant piece of shit
covered in pictures of you?

They say if you put
your hopes and dreams out on paper

they're more likely to come true.

- Who says?
- Experts.

Jesus Christ.

Why does it say the word Moses
next to a drawing?

- That's my celebrity crush.
- Look, I got an idea.

You wouldn't understand,
you have no hopes and dreams.

How about we forget about all of this,
we can just stay here tonight,

have dinner with mom and dad,
we can first thing in the morning.

That way we don't need to drive
when it's, when it's dark out.

- Colin, what do you think I want to do?
- I think we should stick –

Leave right now.

Leave right now,
that's what I was going to say.

No!

I have to pee.

- Can I help you?
- Hello, kind sir and God bless.

We are gonna need one room
for the night,

the cheapest room you've got please.

The cheapest room we have
is a smallest. It's a single.

And we don't allow
co-eds to cohabitate

unless they are married.

That shouldn't be a problem.
We're brother and sister.

No funny business here.

Brother and sister?
That's foul.

And in a way that's even worse
than if you were a couple

sinful, sinful kids up to no good.

Um, ha well, actually we are married.

We have the same last name
because we are married.

Yeah, ha ha.

We're just aspiring comedians
and like to make jokes.

Taking our act on the road here.

In public places.
Look at us now.

Uh, yeah, take out your ID
my precious husband.

- Yeah, let me see some ID.
- Yeah, we have a wonderful marriage.

- Sometimes I...
- So happy.

So happy. I can't stop smiling.
Most of the time, my face hurts.

Oh my God, he's such...do you think
he's fooled?

Of course he's not fooled.

Just shut up and let me do
the rest of the talking.

- Are we in, like, the...
- Don't say anything else!

How come you ain't got wedding rings?

This actually is a wedding ring.

- And I sold mine, to buy...
- He sold his to buy drugs for kids.

- Medicine. For sick children.
- In Chernobyl.

In some other country.

There's a lot of sick kids that are,
we've given them so much

they're pretty much ungrateful
at this point.

You kids look an awful lot alike.
You sure you're married?

Who wouldn't want to marry
and live with this person,

the rest of their God given life?

I remember when my wife and I
we got married.

I was fifteen, she was fourteen.

Had our first child seventeen,
and sixteen.

And, sixteen is a, uh,
good age for a girl to have a baby.

That's what I hear.

But, you don't need to hear
about my life story.

No, we don't.

Yes, we would love to hear
your life story

as soon as we get some rest.

Alright. Well, you pay the door
at the end.

You need to leave a twenty dollar
deposit.

I don't have any cash.

You better make it forty.

Wait a minute.
Let me see you two lovebirds kiss.

- Why would we have to kiss?
- Because, our policy.

- I need to see married couples kiss.
- Is that an actual sign that you use?

Yes.

Did you make that sign by hand
just before we got here?

- No.
- What would Jesus do?

- He would sleep in the car.
- No, He wouldn't.

Sure, uh, why would we do anything other
than express our love and devotion.

Bless you, and keep you.

Very nice.

How do you feel about that?
I get to do that every night of my life,

and possibly after death,
if you believe in that,

which I do, of course.

- Very nice. Have a good night.
- Thanks. God bless.

And God bless.

Was it really that bad
pretending to kiss me?

The sad thing is you're not
the first boy to throw up

after kissing me.

It's something that I ate.
Something awful, awful that I ate.

I don't think I've thrown up in like,
twelve years.

Isn't that kind of an impressive record?

What is that,
like something you have to brag about.

Like that's a skill?

Like, oh, I have a superior
digestive system.

Reward me please.
Oh, I have good hearing.

I taught myself to have good hearing.
Ridiculous.

Can you smell this Bible?

Get that out of my face I just threw up.

Wait a minute.

"If a man mates with an animal
he shall surely be put to death

and you shall kill the animal."

That doesn't seem fair to the animal.

Wha – did you bring
all those gargoyles here?

You couldn't be away from them
for three days?

Well, I'm not permitted
to display them when Zoe is around.

She thinks they watch her sleep.

Gross.
Who would want to watch her sleep?

I just this one my trip to Puerto Rico
and I've been excited to display it.

Wait, why were you in Puerto Rico?
Were you deported?

Mom and dad got a
family vacation package

and they took me and Zoe on this
really nice all expenses paid vacation.

Why didn't they bring me?
I totally could have come.

Because they don't like you.
And I think the exact words were:

"I want this vacation to be relaxing
and pleasant,"

"not a humungous pain in the ass
like it will be if JR is around."

And I can honestly say at no point

did anyone ever say it would have been
more fun had you been there.

You know what, I'm sure mom and dad
probably just didn't invite me

because they know
I don't like the ocean.

Yeah, I'm sure that's it.

Of course I wouldn't want
to have fun on a cruise.

Yeah 'm sure that's it.
It wasn't a cruise, by the way.

It was a beachside resort with a pool.

Have you ever sat in a pool
and looked at the ocean? It's lovely.

Why wouldn't they want me there?

I have so many wonderful things
going on.

First of all, I'm their only child,
I've got that over you.

Second of all I'm a wonderful person.
Third of all....

That is so nonsensically untrue
I don't even know where to begin.

The oldest, the first child
is always the favorite.

Right but the first child's
not the only child.

Only child means only child.

Number two I'm a wonderful person,
number three I'm an aspiring actress.

Yeah fourth of all,
you know what I think it is?

That nobody wanted to listen to you

talk about living with your professor
in a den of sin.

I don't think anybody wanted to hear
about that.

I think we wanted to go down there

and concentrate on the breeze
and the pina coladas

and not your emotional turmoil
and your pathetic shambled life.

You are such a jerk.

You know, I should have thrown up
all over this floor

to prove my point
that Jesus freak clerk.

And what point might that be?
That you love him?

That I think his policies are bullshit

and this pile of vomit on the floor
is a representation of my feelings.

Well if you'd thrown up
all over the floor,

we'd have to sleep in a room
with vomit all over the floor.

Did you ever think about that,
Einstein?

No. No buddy, I didn't.
But if I have to do it again,

I'm going to throw up all over the floor
in the morning.

You're throwing up all over the floor,
not just in one spot?

- Yes, absolutely.
- That's pretty impressive.

I am going to stand on the bed
and spin around.

It's going to be like a lawn sprinkler,
but with puke. Just, everywhere.

- Shhhh. Oh my god. Do you hear that?
- Hear what? I don't hear anything?

- Is that what I think it is?
- Maybe you do have better hearing.

Shhh. Having loud sex in a motel room.
So cliché. I bet they're fat.

I should go tell the, tell the manager.

It's probably him having some gross sex
with a blonde woman.

This has got to be against the policies
of this Christian establishment.

A minute ago you said
you wanted to throw up all over the room

in response to his hateful policies,
now you want to snitch?

- Well this is different.
- How is this different?

- Because this affects me. Me!
- Me.

I'm tired.

I'm not going to be able to sleep
with this noise.

Well lucky for you,
I think it just ended.

- How sad.
- He was quick. Quick to cum.

- Colin.
- What?

- Do you believe in ghosts?
- I don't know. No.

I wonder if there's, like, gay ghosts.

And if there's gay ghosts,
do you think they go booooo!

- I'm going to say goodnight now.
- Is that seductive?

You missed
quite the continental breakfast.

Shhhh.

I burned the roof of my mouth
on a piece of toast.

I didn't even know that was possible.

Colin, just stop it.
Alright, alright I'm up. Stop.

You are so annoying.

You and Zoe didn't tell mom or dad
why I needed you this weekend, did you?

- No.
- Okay, good.

- They don't care about you anyway.
- Yes they do, stop it with that.

Why wouldn't they care about me
I'm a wonderful person.

Oh, I don't know.

The fact that you were living
with some creepy gross professor man

nearly twice your age,
and he threw you out,

and you dropped out of school,
and now you have nowhere to go,

and you're picking me up, and it's just
everything at the same time.

Alright, alright. I'll have you know

that that creepy professor man
that you're referring to

is one of the top broadcast
journalism professors

in the entire state, so I am clearly
on a fast track to a career

in broadcasting.

Yeah, he's such a,
such a great professor.

That's why he got you

all those great jobs, all those
wonderful auditions,

all those pathetic events
you're always going to

with your dumb little headshot.

Yeah, you have so many jobs now
because of him.

That's why nobody likes you,

because you are too successful
to hang out with us.

You're so successful. I forget.

I forget sometimes how successful
you are

because that's all we can talk about

when we're sitting around the dinner
table at night is what a success you are.

Wah wah, you're so funny Colin.

You know, I don't understand.
Of anyone you could have asked, why me?

You must know two dozen people.

I don't want to involve more people
than is necessary.

I don't need a million people
to help me carry a few stupid boxes,

I just need one person.

Yeah, is that because
you want to keep it hush hush

or because you're ashamed
and embarrassed at how this is ending?

Fuck you,
if you really didn't want to come

you could have stayed at home
with your gross girlfriend.

No, I'm here. I do want to come.
Look, I'm here.

I'm having a great time.
I'm trying to bring you on a fun trip.

I am having a great time,
this is a fun trip.

- I'm having a lovely time.
- Oh yeah, I'm sure.

You just threw up the first,
five minutes on it.

Well, that's your fault.

I just, you know, of anyone,
I'm just shocked that you asked me.

My fault. I thought you said
it was food poisoning.

Whatever. There must be,
there must be a reason you asked me

and I don't know what it is yet.

Colin, I asked you because
I trust you with my stuff.

And mainly because
you have nobody important to tell.

- How was the room?
- Oh it was great.

I'm sure if all goes according to plan
we'll be naming a child

after the Avalanche Express Lodge
in about nine months.

God bless you.

Hello, I heard somebody

having a good night last night,
if you know what I mean.

I'm a wholesome blond woman,

beautiful blond woman by day,
and an Aryan sex machine by night.

Walkin' and talkin',
sashaying out of the parking lot,

because I didn't have multiple orgasms,
I only had one.

- What's this all about?
- Oh, uh, nothing.

- Just making small talk with the locals.
- Can we go now?

Yes, but can you drive this time?
I'm like, so tired.

- I'm not used to getting up this early.
- It's eleven o clock.

That's early.

Fine, but just stay awake
so I don't have to drive by myself.

Yeah, I'll stay awake.

I'll entertain you with my wit and charm
the entire ride. I promise.

- I am going to go use the bathroom.
- Gross.

It's not that I've given up,

there's just
more important things to me right now

than doing whatever I feel like
every day, like you do.

Oh, so you're just going to live
with mom and dad

and your gross girlfriend in an attic
the rest of your life.

Is that your idea of success?

I have a low cost of living,
it's called smart business.

It's not smart business.
It's pathetic and boring.

- Why do you care?
- Why do I care?

Because you could be doing
something fun with you life.

I am doing something fun.

Living somewhere interesting
and not in mom and dad's attic.

I am doing something interesting.

No you're not. You're doing something
you're okay with doing.

That's so sad,
that's like the worst existence.

Wait, what?

I've known you your entire life

and you never, ever said
that you wanted to work,

wait, what exactly do you even do?

You see, you don't even know.

I write the copy
for focus group presentations.

It's actually really fun and cool.

Focus groups.
Oh my god, I'm bored already.

Whatever happened to being a writer,

isn't that what you went to school for,
Colin?

No, no. You can't just be a writer.

It's too pathetic
to be an aspiring writer.

It has a negative connotation to it.
But you're so witty.

I'd rather

be a successful tollbooth operator
than an aspiring anything.

That's so bleak and pathetic.

Yeah, I guess maybe a better idea
is to do what you do, sleep until noon,

leave the house three days a week,
deplete your savings

while you
chase down pathetic weather girl jobs.

What are you talking about?
It's my money.

It's my money
and I can do whatever I want with it.

Yeah your money and it's never
coming back.

Just spend it,
it's never going to come back.

Auditions take a lot of time.
It's not like I'm doing nothing.

Yeah, a lot of time.
A couple of hours a day

in between all the day dreaming
and the napping.

You leave the house three days a week,
I got news for you.

I don't know why
you think you're so special.

- Because I am special.
- I don't know why...

you think you're special
that you don't have to work

and everybody else does.

You make me, mom, dad and my girlfriend
sick to our stomachs

every single time you come up
in conversation.

He's a jolly good patron,
he's a jolly good patron,

He's a jolly good patron,
A special birthday guy.

A special birthday guy!

I'm going to eat this.

But only because I am very hungry
and it looks delicious.

I have to go somewhere and change this,
I am not wearing this.

Why? It's a perfectly nice shirt.
You look lovely.

Colin, I look like I had an abortion
on my shirt. I can't wear this.

Oh, yeah.
It does kind of look like that.

- Is anybody out there?
- Just me.

Ok, how does this look?
Does this look better?

Well, it has less food on it,
if that's what you're going for.

Could you just get me

the grey one with the collar
from the car please.

I thought I was watching the door
because it won't lock.

Colin, go, please.

Thank God.

- Hey, I got - ugh!
- Just get in here.

What, haven't you ever seen a pair
of beautiful bosoms before?

Yeah, not your. Jesus Christ,
no thanks.

Don't be modest.

- You should learn modesty, a little bit.
- You should learn modesty.

Took you long enough to come back here,
what were you doing out there?

I'm going to throw up
if you keep talking.

Buying a slurpee?
Fasten this for me, please.

I can't reach it.
Fasten my shirt, asshole.

Stop it, goddamnit.

God, I hope I gave the professor
the clap.

- I hope you didn't.
- I probably didn't.

I don't actually know
what the clap is.

It just sounds old timey and itchy.

Sorry... does this collar look weird,
Peter Pan-y or good?

I don't get the reference.

Okay, there.

- Okay, does this look better?
- I don't know. Whatever.

Do I look barely legal,
in a mature way?

I don't know, who cares.
This isn't , isn't even worth it.

Yes it is. I want to look good.
I want him to see what he is missing.

You're going to move
a bunch of your shit out,

you shouldn't be dressed
in sexy heels and shorts.

Oh, so I do look sexy. Okay good.

You should be wearing jeans
and one of those moving belts,

with the...
guys wrap around their abdomen.

You think I should be

wearing a tool belt
to go to the professor's house?

You think that's really necessary?

No, not a tool belt.

Those things with the suspenders
that are made of leather

that you see people wearing
when they're moving furniture

so they don't throw their back out.

I can't imagine you being less helpful
right now. You can go.

Fine, I'm going. Have fun in there,
doing whatever you're gonna do.

Do you remember that babysitter we had,
when we were like, seven and nine?

We had a few, you mean the one
that talked like this

or the one that would pull our earlobes
really creepily seductively.

The earlobe one.

Why, did she like,
molest you or something?

I don't think so. I mean I think

I would have remembered
if I had been molested.

Not necessarily. I mean,

most children usually repress it
until they're much older

and in therapy, you know?

If I was molested,
then you were definitely molested.

You've always been a hot commodity
in the world of perverts.

Thanks.

Remember that guy
with the handlebar moustache,

who worked with dad?

Oh yeah, you mean Uncle Randy?
Why, what about him?

- That guy wasn't our uncle.
- What? Yes he was.

See, you're a hot commodity
in the world of perverts.

You know what, that's probably
the nicest thing

you've ever said to me Colin,
thank you.

Anyway, my point is, I've been thinking
about this woman a lot lately.

I feel like, she might have given me
my first erection.

Is that a weird thing
to have remembered now?

Oooh, boner appétit.

Not really, I'm just surprised it wasn't
the one that talked like this

that gave you your first erection.

That's kind of...
she would have been mine.

- Do you have a point?
- Yeah, I do have a point.

My point is
you were definitely molested.

You just seem like the type.

Don't look at my crotch
when you say molested.

I'm gonna look at your crotch
and say that.

Molested.

Hey, it's me.
JR?

It's JR, hello?

We're like about twenty minutes away.

We'll be there in a little bit, okay?

I mean, I guess we can wait an hour,
but that's kind of annoying.

Alright, look. When we get inside

I'm probably going to need a minute
with my professor alone

so if you can just hang out in his...

Why are you still calling him
your professor?

It's not like
you're walking into office hours.

Just call him your ex-boyfriend
at this point.

Are you really starting this now?

Well, no, I just think
it's weird that you still refer to

like he's in some position
of esteem even though the guy

has revealed himself to be nothing
but a creep.

Okay, fine. Neil. I'll call him Neil.

Just, alright, when we get in there,
don't say anything, don't do anything,

your job is to be silent as a mime.

Just hang out in the guestroom
and pretend you're invisible, okay?

- Oh, son of a bitch.
- I, uh, I told you to wait.

So what, are you, dating the guy now?
The guy out there?

- Yeah.
- It must be going well.

He seems like a really charming,
upstanding individual.

He's really smart actually.
And a great listener.

Is that Colin, I guess?
I, uh, I see the resemblance.

Please, let's not bring him into this.

Okay. It seems like
maybe you brought him into this, right?

You want to talk, I mean, talk.

I mean, I don't need to be reminded
how much being around you

is like babysitting.

Yeah, I don't need to be reminded

how much hanging out with you
feels like I'm in a geriatric facility.

Let's not do he said, she said.
Okay? I don't want to play that.

I'd rather this experience

sort of end on a positive note
so I can harbor some sort of nostalgia

for our situation.

Our situation? Is that really
what you'd call it?

- Really? Can you...
- Oh, sorry.

Sorry, you can't handle
me being on your level, can you?

I'd hardly call it a relationship,
would you?

I thought so, at the time, yeah.

Really? I sort of thought of it
as like a continuation of our sort

of mentor pupil thing we had
during the enrollment in our class.

Yeah, you're such a great
broadcasting professor, by the way.

Thanks for getting me all those jobs
that you seem to promise me.

- Thanks.
- No problem.

I could tell
you needed a strong male figure

the minute we met
and I'm not going to deny you that.

Does your daughter
have a strong male figure in her life?

We don't talk about my family,
remember?

Oh yeah, yeah. I'm sorry.

Why are we not allowed
to talk about your family again?

Is that because you're too ashamed
to admit what a loser you are

when you remove yourself from a room
full of students half your age?

I'm starting to think
we're not going to have

that one last conversation
I was hoping for.

I don't even know what to say.

You want to eradicate any kind of,
like, hope I would have to maybe,

like, go out smiling with this thing
we had?

I'm not, I'm not being dramatic.

It's no big deal,
you came in here all amped up.

I wasn't expecting to come in here

and see you with some random girl
that you...

- I don't even...
- Fair. Well, you will be missed.

Yeah, I'll miss you.
I'll really miss you.

I'll miss your insecurities,
no question about that.

Sort of suitable for a fourteen,
twelve year old, fourteen year old.

- Yeah. That two year age difference.
- I'll miss that.

I'll miss having to hold my breath
while we have sex.

- I gave you dozens of orgasms.
- Dozens of orgasms?

I feel like I could

use that stupid sex tape we made
on your digital camera as like,

part of my acting reel.

- That's how fake it was.
- You have an acting reel?

Yeah.

You were making that while you were
watching reality TV?

I don't know anything about that.

I do work. It's not like I'm just
sitting here.

Maybe if you spent more time with me
I wouldn't be home watching TV.

I cannot believe that I...

I have to use the bathroom,
and I just, this is retarded.

What, are you crying now?
You upset?

No, I'm not crying.
I'm allergic to your stupid cat.

Another cliché.
I mean, really, like...

- Being allergic to cats is a cliché?
- Yeah, it's a huge cliché.

No, like, girls like you always
are allergic to cats.

- That's a given.
- Girls like you.

- Yeah.
- What does that even mean?

Like, are there any girls who are,

like, remotely, like, okay looking
who aren't nuts?

I mean, do those girls exist?
Where are they?

As are, like, faking orgasms.
Speaking of clichés.

Yeah, yeah. That's what it is.
Sorry I'm not original like you.

What if for once, like,

instead of asking daddy to,
like, take care of you,

you actually learned to take care
of yourself?

Was that an option?

You definitely didn't take care of me.
How did you take care of me?

I don't know.

Did you ever, like, reach for a check
when it came?

Did that ever happen, even once?

You never took me to a restaurant

that was over twelve dollars so

I don't think I should feel obligated
to pay the check.

You're a full time professor.

No, seriously.
Seriously, answer the question, first.

Answer that question, and then
we'll just go on.

- Did you ever reach for a check?
- No. I never did.

Okay. That's what I'm talking about
when I say 'I took care of you.'

I have to use the bathroom, excuse me.

Bitch.

I can't believe I allowed you to,
like, have this freaking fantasy

that we were dating and like a couple
or something.

- Its just ridiculous. Can you please...
- Yeah, yeah.

- What am I making you uncomfortable?
- Can you get your things?

Oh yeah, like I have so much stuff.

It's really taking up so much room
in your house.

It's like, yeah, it's taking up
psychic energy in my house.

- Oooh, psychic energy.
- Yeah.

You have to do an exorcism.
Why don't you burn sage when I leave.

Why don't you have your blonde whatever
burn sage... purge.

Anyway, do you want to sit back down?

I mean, you're just kind of taking up
a lot of space there.

Yeah, I'm sorry I'm making you
uncomfortable.

A little bit. I don't know.

When I think back on what we had,
all I think about is you,

like, wasting time, spending my money,
eating my food, etcetera.

Fuck you.
Look, I don't have to deal with this.

- I'm just here to get my stuff.
- That's all I think.

When I think of you,
I think of etcetera.

- You're just a huge waste of my time.
- You're a huge waste of my time.

Did you ever get me any jobs
relating to broadcasting?

All these things that you promised?
Never came to life.

Ever.

- Everything you've said is true. So...
- Thanks. Thanks for validating me.

So maybe we could...
tie a bow around this thing, and, uh...

Fuck you!

What the fuck is this thing?

Fuck you!

Did you hear something?

No, I'm fine, I'm happy to leave.
This is retarded.

I can't believe that you ever...
Whoa, whoa.

- Oh my god. Colin...
- He tripped. Jesus!

- Are we about through here?
- This is a comedy of errors.

Because it's not that I'm not having
a fun time, because I am.

Well maybe it's a lesson,

not to come where you're,
like, unwanted.

Get away from me, stop it.
Yeah, I'll keep that in mind.

Watch out for my vase.

You care more about the vase
than helping him up?

No, you guys maybe should hit the road,
I don't know. Don't you think?

Fine. We'll leave.

We'll leave you here alone,
with you girl.

And your surprisingly
tastefully decorated apartment.

It's nice of you
to come help your sister.

I mean,

seeing your apparent reconciliation
is intriguing.

I don't know.
Based on what she said I assumed

you two didn't have
a very good relationship.

Don't listen to him,
he's just trying to upset you.

Some of the things
she would say are just awful.

It's not even true. Stop it.

Someone should write a case study
about you guys.

Like you, the victim of circumstance,
you the victim of yourself.

I don't know. I don't know.

Yeah, exactly.

You don't know because
you're a child psychologist.

You're a journalism professor.

So your case study
would be a piece of garbage.

Anyway.

Your difficulty would come from
your overwhelming lack of experience

with child psychology

and your relative slight experience
in journalism and broadcast.

- Asshole.
- You guys make quite the couple.

Like one, barely able to seek
and maintain the attention of a male,

the other a pathetic wreck
of post-graduate stereotyping.

What did I do?

You seem unaware of how little respect
your sister has for you, for starters.

Yeah well, you know what?

I might not be some cool
journalism professor, student, whatever,

but I am well aware of
how little respect everyone has for me.

That was even more fun
than I anticipated.

What's next on this exciting tour?
Abortion clinic?

Do you need an abortion?
Rape factory?

Children' swing of the local
leper colony?

I've got a better idea.

Why don't we go
to the local soup kitchen

and we can feed the hungry
while listening to their sob stories.

I think that's probably

the next fun thing we can do
after what just happened.

Alright, I just need a minute.
Can you just wait right here?

What? No.
Can't we just leave now?

Colin! Please.

Fuck.

Excuse me, Ms. Wagner?
How is everything?

- A bit salty.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

May I say that you are our favorite,
favorite newswoman,

and could you please sign this for me?

The whole town would be thrilled if
we could hang that for our restaurant.

Thank you.

Excuse me. Ms Wagner?

Hi. Don't be alarmed, I'm not like,
a creepy stalker or anything,

I just wanted to come over
and introduce myself.

My name is JR, I too am a news anchor.

Or I'm, I should say...

I'm a perspiring, uh,
an aspiring news anchor, like you.

I just wanted to let you know
that you are the whole reason

I watch WORM every night.
You so good on TV. You are amazing.

Like, you help me fall asleep at night,
but you know, your voice,

watching you on TV.

Not that you're helping me fall asleep.
That's creepy.

I just, the reason why I came over here
is cause I was just curious if you have

any advice for somebody like myself
trying to break into the biz.

You know, and be on TV.
And... anything?

You know, off the top of my head:

don't interrupt people
while they're eating.

Okay. Anything else?

Ok, well, thank you.

I'm taking you off my vision board
Ms. Wagner.

- It's like, Mexican style brunch.
- I know.

- JR?
- Julia?

- Julia. Hey.
- Hey.

- So nice to see you.
- It's nice to see you, sort of.

- You look so funky and cool.
- Kim?

- Hey JR.
- Kim. Oh my God, hey.

Nice to see you. It's been a long time.
How's it going?

Good. We just got brunch.
It was really good.

That's cool.

Are you still trying to be, like,

a weather girl on television
or something?

You mean a news anchor?

Yeah, yeah, I still do want
to be a news anchor.

Actually that's why I was in town.

I just had a meeting with Ms. Wagner,
the broadcaster on TV.

I don't know if you know her.
She's my hero.

And a personal friend.
I mean, I think it went well.

I don't know. We'll see.
Fingers crossed.

It's really weird that we're
running into you

because we were just talking at lunch
about how we don't really see

people from high school any more.

Really? Were you talking about
how you ignore people from high school

who you used to be best friends with
until something happened?

I still feel really bad
about the way our friendship

deteriorated so abruptly.

Do you? I know what caused it
and so do you. This one!

I'm having a party tonight.
You should totally come.

No, that would be awkward.
Why would you want me to come?

- I don't know. Erik's going to be there.
- Erik who?

Kim's cousin is coming
and he's an agent.

Like a TV agent?

Yeah, he's, um, Teddy is an agent
in Los Angeles

and he's going to be at the party.

And, I might be able
to hook you with something through him.

Really?

Like, news, news anchor roles.
If I remember to introduce you.

Oh my God, yeah,

if you could introduce me
that would be amazing.

I mean, uh, I mean, maybe.
I don't know. I mean,

I'm here with my brother so I don't know
if we'll have time, but...

- You're here with Colin?
- Yeah.

He should totally come.
Bring Colin, that would be great.

- No, really?
- Yeah. Is he still kind of fat?

No, no. He is not fat anymore.

He went a bunch of,

he tried a lot of diets and it finally
worked for him.

- Is he cute?
- I guess. I mean, he's my brother.

- I guess... my brother.
- Oh my God. Where is he?

Colin is back at... shit!

I have to go. I'm sorry.
I'll see you later.

I'm still kind of hungry.

I don't want to go to any party.
I want to go home.

That was my opinion too

before I realized that
I'm practically homeless so I figured,

what's the rush.

Besides, you didn't give me a chance
to finish.

The person who invited us
to this horrible party is not other

than your childhood crush...

- Kim Thompson.
- Kim Thompson?

Yup. Hottest girl in school.
Besides me. Come on. It'll be fun.

Why do you even want to go
to this party?

You've been moving for years
to get away from these people.

I don't know. I just feel
like it'll be cathartic, you know?

How?

Maybe not cathartic
but at least interesting.

Those are two
completely separate adjectives.

No party I've ever been to or heard of

has been anything remotely
resembling cathartic.

You want catharsis,
you have a near death experience.

Alright, can you just stop
saying cathartic?

- You said cathartic first!
- Alright, just stop.

Colin, you're being so annoying.
It's my car, it's my rules,

and we're buying you
a completely new outfit

because you cannot go to a party
dressed like that.

What's wrong with my clothes?

What do you mean what's wrong
with your clothes?

You look a boy that would own
a blow up doll. I'm sorry but it's true.

Well these clothes are not built
for style. They're built for comfort

and also for durability.

I've been wearing these jeans
for years.

Exactly.
Yeah, that stain indicates as much.

- Ooh la la.
- Well, so what?

I don't even want to go
to this stupid party.

Just drop me off at a movie
or something.

- No, please. Kim Thompson.
- Okay, fine.

But under one condition
and one condition only.

You're not buying me new clothes,
not now not ever.

I'm only going to go to this party
if I can go wearing my current clothes.

Okay.

I think that's good enough, right?

Colin, just please come out.

You've been in there for like,
forty five minutes.

No way. I feel ridiculous.
These pants are so tight.

How can any man enjoy this?
I have no breathing room.

I can feel my sperm count
just disappearing every second

I'm standing here.

"I feel my sperm count disappearing."

Just think of these pants as like,
stylish birth control or something.

I don't even know
what the point of this is.

There was nothing wrong
with my initial pants.

Your pants are a nightmare, Colin.
That's the whole reason we're here.

- Pants are pants!
- Pants are not all created equally.

Please, just come out.
I'm not going to judge you.

No. I feel ridiculous.
Alright, look. We're on a schedule.

I just can't...
what are you doing in there?

- Why aren't you wearing a shirt?
- What are you doing? Stop it.

Colin. Can you come here?
Please?

Okay. Okay.

Do you think I should
grow my bangs out or leave them

the length they are, like, short.

I don't care at all.
Not even a tiny bit. I promise.

I just feel like, I don't know,
without these like,

funky bangs how are casting directors
going to know

I'm the type of girl that likes
music and art and cultural stuff,

you know?

No, I don't.

That's not actually that bad.
This shirt isn't a nightmare.

No. The sleeves aren't long enough.

I have long arms,
I need adequate coverage.

- What are you doing? Stop.
- No, this is the look.

This is how its supposed to look.

Now I'm going to get all cold.
My wrists are exposed.

Do you remember what dad always said,
Colin?

The person who exposes himself
is always the life of the party.

This is a win-win situation.

- Are you coming?
- What?

- Are you coming?
- No.

- My clothes are all dirty.
- Oh, are they?

Yeah,

my favorite pair of pants in the world
are filthy now because of you.

- You're having fun?
- Yeah.

- You're proud of yourself?
- Yeah.

- You're okay with your life?
- Yeah, are you?

With yours?

I'm okay with it.
I have a great life.

- Yeah? I don't think so.
- Oh, look at this dog.

- It's so cute. Look.
- Is this dog going to bite her?

- No.
- So cute.

There's no chance
it's going to bite her?

- You excited for this party tonight?
- No.

What about slutty time
with Kim Thompson?

What about it?

She said that her cousin
would be there.

He's like an agent.
That's a good look for you.

This is he best you've ever looked.

This is how much
I want to go to the party.

Oh really?
That doesn't make any sense.

- Have one.
- I don't want one.

- Come on.
- No. I don't want one.

- They're so good.
- I don't want to eat anything.

- Your shirt, your outfit looks good.
- Christ, it still all sugary.

What the hell is that thing
made out of?

Colin, do you know
how rare these offensive figurines are?

I wish real black people
were as rare as this.

- Colin, don't say that out loud.
- I knew I would love Boston.

- Then don't judge them.
- I don't judge them.

I look at a good looking black,
good looking Asian woman

the same way I look
at a good looking man.

What does that mean?

I could see how a gay man or a woman

would find this guy attractive,
but for me, I have nothing.

My sexual preference is for white women

and I don't expect
to be discriminated against.

Ooh, sorry.

Did you ever find
any weird sex stuff growing up?

I think I'm going to purchase
this bedpan.

It seems like it might be useful.

Colin, did you just hear
what I asked you?

I did, but I'm ignoring you
so I won't be responding.

Now can we please get out of here
before you break something?

- I'm not going to break any...
- Colin! Jesus Christ!

- What are we going to do?
- Let's just go.

- We can't just go.
- Why not? The car's right outside.

- No, we have to pay for this.
- No come on, let's get out of here.

- I think we've got a problem here.
- Well, she did it.

- No I didn't. He broke it. I'm sorry.
- You break it, you buy it.

Okay. Well, how much, um,
how much could it possibly be?

- It's five hundred dollars for the vase.
- Colin.

- No, seriously.
- I'm serious.

- Do you have five hundred dollars?
- Guess I can't get this bedpan now.

I can't believe we're actually

going to a party
with your friends from high school.

I can't believe I actually
got you to wear those skinny jeans.

Yeah great, I feel really cool.

Alright, look.

Theres a few things we need
to go over before we go in, okay?

Number one: nobody can know
I was living with my professor.

Why?

Number two: just listen.
Number two, if anybody asks

the only reason why I'm not on TV yet
being a news anchor is because

I'm not settling.

I'm not settling for local stuff.

I'm only holding out
for major markets, okay?

- What constitutes a major market?
- Nobody's going to ask you that.

- What if they do?
- Oh my God, you just spit in my eye.

Look, if somebody
said major markets to me,

the first thing
I would say back to them is,

"what constitutes a major market?"

So if someone asks me that,
I want to be prepared.

Alright, fine. New York, Philadelphia,
Hollywood, Los Angeles.

Hang on, I have to write this down.

What are you...you don't need
to write this down. It's not a big deal.

Well I'm not
going to remember otherwise.

I didn't know I was going to have
to memorize material tonight.

- This is really stressful for me.
- Boston, Newark.

- Delaware or New Jersey?
- Delaware.

I hardly think that constitutes
a major market.

It doesn't matter
because nobody's going to ask you.

Just promise me that once we get inside,
you're not going to disappear,

leaving me alone
with people I don't know all night.

I can't handle that right now.

Colin, I promise you I will not
leave you alone at this party.

I'll even pinky swear with you
that I won't leave you alone.

- That's how honest and genuine I am.
- No, I don't pinky swear.

You know that.
It's a barbaric practice.

Well then I can't guarantee
that I'm telling the truth.

Well then tough shit,
I'm going to go home.

Wait a minute, is that Harriet Tubman?
Gotcha.

I'll be right back.

So, who invited you? Oh! My bad.

- So how's your mom doing?
- She's good. You know.

She's been a little sick
the last couple weeks, but,

I think I'm going to have
to get out of here in a minute.

Oh, really? Oh, that's too bad.

I wanted to ask you more
about your family.

- We haven't caught up in a long time.
- Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow.

- Oh yeah. That's true.
- Kim, can you believe I really made it?

Oh, yeah, hi.

Well, my cousin actually
just had to leave for Los Angeles.

I'm really sorry.

Oh, I completely forgot about that.
Um, it's all good.

I mean, my manager
probably wouldn't want me

meeting with random agents anyway.

You know, he'd want a commission
through your cousin or whatever.

What kind of roles are you looking for?

Oh, I don't know. I mean,
I'll, I can do all sort of stuff.

I have the diversity of a young
Robert Redford.

Well, if you see your cousin again
I guess just give him my resume.

It will probably tell him,
you know, my range. So, thanks.

Looks like you had
a little accident there.

Oh, yeah. This. Some gentleman spilled
some red wine on me earlier.

It was, it wasn't on purpose.

You know. Just one of those things
that happens.

Would you like a slice of pineapple?

No thanks. Yeah, who's the idiot
who brought that, anyway?

Oh. Yeah, boy what an idiot
would bring this.

Actually, you know, pineapple
is a sign of hospitality.

So maybe it's not such an idiot
who brought this after all.

Perhaps the person who provided this

just wanted everyone at the party
to have a nice nutritious snack.

You know, I've heard that pineapple,
actually, if you eat a lot of it,

it reduces swelling
if you get your wisdom teeth taken out.

Well, I still have mine so
I'll keep that in mind, thank you.

Well, I've also heard that if a man
eats a lot of pineapple

it will make his ejaculate
taste delicious.

- Why are you telling me this?
- I don't know.

I figured maybe I could eat
this entire thing

and we could all see what happens.

- I going to go now.
- Okay, that's great.

I'm just going to stay here
and cut this pineapple up

and eat it a little bit myself.

You know, broadcasting is just
such a hard thing to break into.

It's like, these people
get these on camera jobs

and they don't ever want to leave.

It's like they hold on for dear life.

Even if there's people out there
who are way more talented.

You know?
But, it'll happen eventually.

I mean, me and my manager
are setting up jobs in major markets.

- Nothing local.
- What are major markets?

Oh, hey bro. I forgot to mention.
There's a dress code for men.

Yeah, men have to wear jackets.
I got this one special for you.

Put it on. Now. I insist.

Good evening.
I'm your nightly correspondent JR.

In other news,
multiple school children

were found bludgeoned to deaf,
bludgeoned to death.

Wait, let me start over.
Okay. Good evening.

In other news, multiple school children
were found bludgeoned to death,

their bodies stuffed
in a garbage disposer.

Garbage chute. Garbage shoot.
This always happens in auditions.

Whatever, it's way harder
than it looks on TV. You know that.

Where are you going?

- How is that?
- It's really good.

- Can we go home now?
- Why? We just got here.

I'm having a horrible time.
Somebody spilled drink on me on purpose.

You don't even notice.

None of the girls
want to eat any of my pineapple.

Oh, you owe me
for that pineapple by the way.

I don't understand why
we're still talking about this.

Who's your friend?

No, no. This is my brother Colin.
You remember.

- Colin?
- Hi Kim.

- I didn't even recognize you.
- You've known me since I was six.

Yeah, but you used to be so...
I mean, you look so different now.

Do I? I didn't used to have
all this drink spilled on me.

That must be it.

You know, Colin used to have

the biggest crushes on you guys
growing up.

I don't know if you knew that.

- What the fuck?
- Yeah, it's true.

Do you remember in tenth grade
when we took those photos

in our bathing suits?

He saved all of them.
Even the ones of me.

- Isn't that kind of weird?
- I don't mind.

Yeah, Colin, we're flattered.

Yeah, well, uh,

JR didn't know how to read
until she was ten.

Isn't that hilarious?
I had to teach her and I'm younger.

That's not true. You're so funny Colin.

I mean, I am but it's not as funny

as you not knowing how to read
until you were in fourth grade.

Excuse me. I should probably

go call my manager and see
if any casting people called me.

- Excuse me.
- Hi. I'm Colin.

You know, it's just hard.

Because you still want to go out,
you know?

I mean, I'm only twenty six
but I have a husband and a kid.

Oh, you got married
and had a kid already?

Well of course I did.

I mean how else do you think I get
to be here tonight?

Let me tell you, the only thing
better than having a live in babysitter

is having a husband in a back brace.

Ooh la la, sounds romantic.

Can I talk to you?

This is way less fun
than I thought it was going to be.

Hey, do you think
I have a shot at Kim tonight?

I think things are going well with us.

Oh my god, yes. Totally.
That's the only thing good in the party.

I feel like Kim is giving you
really slutty eyes.

I feel like you should go for it.

I know, it's surprising.

I didn't bring my A-game,
I didn't prepare any jokes, nothing,

but here she is,
giving everything to me.

Now JR, you are very bohemian,
to me.

Is that the word I'm looking for?
It is.

So you choose to express yourself
in a very different way

and I respect that.

I'm just wondering, how you can get
a job looking the way that you do.

I mean, what's your secret?

But you know it's more
than just gainful employment.

It's about finding a job that matters.

Always working towards
being the best in your field.

- Making good career choices.
- Good career choices. Like what?

Well, I'm a junior accountant

at one of the biggest
telecommunication firms in the city.

Pretty soon, that's going to be
senior accountant.

I am assistant to the head

of client management
at an artist's union.

- I work for a temp agency.
- Oh my God. I tempted before.

It's so boring.

I was entering data like,
for two weeks straight.

I felt like a robot.
I totally know what that's like.

No, no. I'm not a temp.
That's sort of ridiculous.

I work for the temp agency.
I place people in positions.

JR, how do you have time
for all your little auditions?

I mean, do you do them after work,
or do you have a flexible job?

I can't imagine
what kind of job you have,

you have such a kooky sense of humor.

No, no. Let's keep talking about you.

I'm just a fly on the wall
at this party.

JR, don't be so modest.
Even if it is just a day job,

it's still a really big part
of your life.

Uh, no.

It's not like you're just
sitting around doing nothing,

waiting for a phone call asking you
to be a weather girl

like you were in high school.

No, that would be
weird and pathetic, right?

- Yeah. So what is it?
- No, no.

- No what?
- No... nurse. I am a nurse.

Well there you go.

For a minute there, we thought
you didn't do anything.

How silly would that be?

That would be sickening.
See that's nurse talk. Sick.

It's just such a beautiful,
noble profession.

God bless you, JR. God bless you
and the American Nursing Association.

No, no. That's okay.
No, no, that's fine.

Look, you've got a choice to make,
buddy.

You can go on
and get out of here,

and we can wait for that girl
I hear is your hot sister

to get drunk enough so we could
audition her ourselves.

That is tempting.
But, what's my other choice?

Or you could take
your gauche ass out of here

and replenish our supplies?

Supplies?
What, like cleaning supplies?

- What do you need?
- Party supplies, asshole.

We need cups and shit.
Store's down the street.

It's your choice.

Or we can just

drag your under dressed ass out of here
and beat the shit out of you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I just wanted to say
I'm sorry about all of that.

Oh, whatever. It's okay.

I just, I didn't realize
you were a nurse.

Had I known, I never would have
put you on the spot like that.

Whatever. It's fine.

You and that guy just seemed
so uncomfortable.

You mean my brother?

Brother? Huh.

Anyway, I just want you to know

that I have great respect
for everyone in the medical profession.

- Why is that?
- Because of my crippling polio.

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...
- I can't feel that.

I didn't mean to... sorry. Okay.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Are you guys really only here
for one night?

Oh yeah, I mean,
I'm just here to help Colin

move his stuff out
of his girlfriend's house.

They just broke up.

So, that's kind of why I took him
out to this party.

- Because he's so down in the dumps.
- That's really sweet of you.

I don't think I would ever
do that for my brother.

Yeah, neither would I.
Supplies!

Colin! Oh my God, are you okay?
You guys are such assholes!

Thank God we have a nurse
on the premises.

Alright. Just take your time.
Slow, slow. Easy, easy. Alright.

Just stay right there.
I'll be right back.

Oh my God.
I can't believe that just happened.

Should I disrobe
for the remainder of my physical?

Yeah, sure. Let nurse JR
go and get you a paper robe.

Colin, I am so sorry about this trip.
This has been a nightmare. Thanks.

It's no problem.
I'm having a great time.

It's definitely not as cathartic
as I thought it was going to be.

- I think it's pretty nice.
- Yeah, right.

- Am I interrupting something?
- No. I'll be right back.

- Hey. I got that for you.
- Oh, thanks. This is just what I need.

I've wanted to do that
since I was eleven.

I've been wanting to do it

since you walked in the door
this evening.

- What's going on in here?
- Nothing.

We were just making out.
But we're finished now.

I'm gonna to go.

Thanks, Kim,
my brother really needed that.

Fuck you.
And your stupid weather girl career.

We were only ever friends with you
because your family had a trampoline.

I'm sorry.
Fuck you.

Fuck you.
Is what I mean. Fuck you.

I'm going to go throw up
before we leave.

Let's just keep this between us,
alright?

That was really cathartic,
actually.

Thanks for including me in this fun,
fun party.

Thank... whoops... thank.

Now? No, you are so drunk, Colin.
We're not driving all the way home.

I don't want to spend another night
in a hotel.

No more anywhere,

I just want to go home,
get in my own bed.

Let's just go
to grandma an grandpa's cabin.

It's like, so close.

What? That's like twelve hours
away from here.

It's less than an hour.

I used to make the drive with Neil
all the time.

- What? No. Really?
- It's really not that far.

Tell you what.

I'll go to the cabin
but you go get the car,

I'm just going to lay down here
on the sidewalk

and take a nice little nap.

Oh, that sounds like a good plan.

Colin, what the hell is this?

Looks like something
from Aunt Connie's funeral.

What? Aunt Connie is dead?
What are you talking about?

- Yeah, Aunt Connie died.
- I just saw her ten months ago.

- Yeah, she died, like, six months ago.
- Why didn't anybody tell me?

I think mom and dad
kind of decided not to invite you

because they thought you'd be
a little bit of a downer

at the funeral.

I'd be a downer at a funeral?
Isn't that kind of harsh?

Well, I don't know.

Just the whole unemployment,
professor thing.

You just kind of weren't invited.
But it was a lovely service.

Oh. I'm sure.
You really think I would have been

that much of a downer at a funeral?

Well it wasn't my decision.

I'm sleeping over there. Goodnight.

Come in.
Colin we're the only ones here.

- You don't have to knock.
- Sorry.

- It's okay. What's up?
- Can I put something to you?

- What do you mean put something to me?
- Ask you something?

Why don't you just say
can I ask you something?

- I don't know, what does it matter?
- Alright. What is it?

- No. I don't want to say it.
- Colin, what? What is it?

Okay. Tonight at the party,
did I seem at all,

like any of those people?

No. Not really.

I just feel like, I don't know,
the way you looked at them.

I just saw so much hatred.
I would never feel comfortable

with anyone looking at me like that.

I mean, you annoy me but I could never
look at you like that.

- Those people are losers.
- Yeah. I guess.

I just feel like there's
so much pressure put on

having an interesting
or exciting and unpredictable life.

I thought so to, but I'm kind of

realizing having an unpredictable
life is sort of overrated.

Oh yeah? I don't know, I mean,
just the way you've talked to me

and what you said about, you know,
people with these pathetic jobs.

I don't know, I would never
want you to look at me like that.

I could never look at you like that.
Those people are fails.

- We're special. They're like normal.
- Yeah.

Wait, but you wanted
to make out with Kim, right?

Yeah. I mean, I had to.
I owed it to myself. My younger self.

I guess.

I wonder what she's doing now.
Do you think she hates us?

- I don't know. Probably.
- It's weird.

I wonder if she's like, asleep.

Isn't it weird that everyone
goes to sleep at night.

Like, everyone is in bed, sleeping.

There's not one person
that doesn't sleep.

Except sharks.

I guess Zoe's probably asleep now.

Oh, yeah. What about Zoe?

You two are like, together
for serious, right?

Yeah, what about her. I don't know.
I don't know.

Are you going to tell her
what happened?

No. I mean, I couldn't.
The situation with her is so fucked.

- We haven't actually...
- In what way?

I mean, we haven't actually
had any sex for, like, weeks or months.

Wait, mom and dad didn't take you
to Puerto Rico?

No, we went to Puerto Rico.
I lied about how romantic it was.

I'm sure, you know,
the way things are going

I'm going to be
on the suburban marriage wagon

any day now.

With male pattern baldness
and varicose veins.

It's a relief
to hear that you didn't...

That I didn't what? I don't know.

It's just like, I was thinking about her
but, I guess that's pretty much it.

I don't know.

You're not going to end up
like a normal suburban loser.

Like those people.

I'll come whisk you and your stupid,
or precious gargoyles away

before I'll ever let that happen.

I see you like, twice a year.

I'd be completely a lost
cause before you ever got to me.

No. Just call me and I'll pull you,

I'll whisk you away
to whoever my new mentor or suitor is.

You can live
in their basement or something.

It's way too late for me.
I'm trapped and I floated away to sea.

No! No, you're okay.

Honestly, I mean,

what would you rather be doing
if you weren't having

your current life?

What, you mean like a Plan A?

Yeah. What's your Plan A?
What's your dream life?

I don't know. I guess at some point
I thought maybe I could teach.

Teaching? That's ironic.

You were always the one to say that
teaching is like the biggest failure.

That, there's nothing worse
than teaching.

That teaching is allowing
others to fail.

While spinning your own wheels.

You really remember exactly
what I said.

Well, yeah. It had an effect.
At one point I maybe thought

I would pursue teaching
and you talked me out of it.

You? Teach?

You're not qualified to teach.
You're barely qualified to learn.

- Thanks, I guess.
- I don't know.

I mean, it just felt like
something that I could do.

It's something that
I don't have to struggle at.

It just seemed like an option.
But then what?

You teach for ten years
and then what?

What are you going to do then?

I guess you can just
fuck your young students

and promise them jobs.

Shut up.

I'm sorry.
I'm in no position to judge.

I guess I could imagine you, though.
What? Fucking my students?

- Yeah.
- Or teaching. Or fucking my students?

- Yeah. Having sex with your students.
- Thanks.

They way you were with Kim tonight,
I can just imagine

all the creepy perverse stuff
you're capable of that

I didn't think before.

Oh, yeah?
Well, you don't know the half of it.

Ooh la la. I don't even want to know.

Oh, remember what I was saying earlier
about mom's vibrator?

Or I started to tell you
and then you cut me off at the store?

Yes, I've been unable
to get an erection because of it.

It's haunted me every second
since you told me.

Wait, Kim didn't give you a boner?

Um, sorry I was just thinking

if there's a way I could kill myself
before you go on with this.

Don't you want to hear a story
about mom's vibrator?

Isn't that what every,
every young man wants to hear about?

Well since I guess I can't actually
kill myself

before you keep talking,
you might as well just go on.

Okay. Well don't tell anyone
but when I found it, I don't know why,

but I felt like I should smell it.

Isn't that disgusting?

I just though,
I don't know when the last time

she used it, or what

or if it was just a family heirloom
or something.

But, I just wanted to know what
it smelled like.

Yeah? And?

It didn't smell like anything.
So, nothing at all.

Maybe that means
if you ever have children,

mom passed on the no smell
private part to your offspring.

Congratulations,
your daughter will be a big hit

at parties.

I know. Don't tell me that

a scent free vagina is a great thing
like I don't already know that.

Is there any other
scene related family information

that you want to pass on to me?

Did you ever smell any,
any underpants around the house?

Ooh la la, no.

Is there any ass information
you can divulge to me?

- Alright, stop.
- Sorry, I'll stop.

I'll stop,
stop with all the butt cracks.

Ha ha. No, that actually was funny.
So stupid.

I can just imagine you though.
Being a teacher.

You'd be, I can just imagine you
in front of some class.

You wearing your stupid
marshmallow shoes and your stupid jeans

and some weird off the rack blazer,
being like,

"come on class, listen to me.

Come, you know, I'm a serious professor,
look at me, look at my gargoyles."

You really got me down pat there.
What else is there?

That's it. That's all you say
to the class and you walk out.

No, I can just imagine it though.
You gathering your stuff after class.

Everyone leaves
and you're such an awkward guy

and the class has like,
never had a teacher like you before.

And they don't know what to make of you.

And I'm sure there is some random girl
at the end of class.

She's like, packing up her books
really slowly

as everybody leaves.

And you're like,

putting your books in your satchel
or whatever professors carry.

She walks over to you
and asks for a minute of your time.

She's wearing some sort of
old fashioned angora sweater

and pleated shorts, or something
like from the movies.

And like, I can just see it.

She's like,

'professor, can I talk to you,
can I talk to you?'

And you're like, you appreciate her

because she's the only one in the class
who laughs at your stupid jokes.

And nobody knows

but she's wearing a pin
that you gave to her.

Because one day you were wearing it
and she said she liked it,

and weeks later you just had one for her
when you gave her back her notes.

I can just imagine, casually,
you go to the movies.

And you leave a seat empty,
hoping that somebody will sit there.

And nobody does,

but then right as the movie starts,
right as the movie starts, she walks in.

She walks down the aisle
and takes the seat

where you put your stupid blazer.

She sits down.

I can just imagine that
maybe that night

you held each other's hand
while you shared popcorn.

Even though she doesn't like butter,
so you didn't even put butter on it,

just to be nice.

And then you don't talk again
until later.

After the movie,
another time at office hours.

You give her back her rough draft
with notes in it.

And scribbled on page four
is an address.

Your address obviously.

She's not a minute late,

and right as you open the door,
she's there.

She looks so ready, and fun,
and like a good person.

She'll be a success
and you guys get each other.

Which is so rare.
And it just, I don't know.

It just makes sense.

That's what it'd be like
if you were a professor, I think.

- Sounds like your kind of guy.
- I guess he is.

- Colin?
- Yeah?

Can you call me Jeanette right now?
Please.

No one's called you Jeanette
since you were eleven.

- Just do it.
- Ok, Jeanette.

- Goodnight, Colin.
- Goodnight, Jeanette.

- Is that it?
- That's it.

Do you think I'll ever make it
to a major market?

- Not if you keep acting out like you do.
- I could say the same thing to you.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Yeah. We'll see. Have fun. Good luck.