The Captain Hates the Sea (1934) - full transcript

It's all politics up in 'Frisco.

Sure, Captain.

I've tried for a year to get my
paper to show up those grafters.

I've managed to get a few
nasty cracks in my sheet.

For 10 years,
I've tried to get a pilot's berth,

but some broken down scow-pusher

with a drag gets the job instead,

and I have to go back
to being captain.

I hate the sea.

Well, if you've got this
grouch against the sea,

how did you start being a sailor?



That's how.
Your father?

No.

His beard.
His beard?

Yeah.

My father was in the
habit of reading a book

while he ate his noon-day soup.

He'd rest his chin in his hand,

leaning on his elbow.

In time,

I felt an irresistible desire...

I get the idea.

You finally yanked
the old man's elbow.

Right.
Beard in the soup,

me through the window.



I've never been back.

I don't blame you
after dunking that muff.

But, why did you develop
this grouch against the sea?

I'll show you one of the reasons.

Here they come,
down to the sea in ships.

Yeah.

Why not down to the
depot in streetcars?

A motorman takes more
chances than a sea captain.

Nothing but a mess

of goggle-eyed passengers

trying to run away from themselves.

Not that I blame them for that,

but why can't they run away on land?

Why do they have to go on a cruise

and use my ship like a picnic bus?

Let me tell you something.

I'm just waiting for the time

when a ship that I'm in
command of is about to sink.

Not only will I not
go down with my ship,

but I'd like to see any

blatting sheep-headed
member of the passenger list

try to get into the first
lifeboat ahead of me.

Don't print that.

And what's the second reason?

Well...

Mr. Layton!
Excuse me, gentlemen.

Certainly, Captain.

Give my regards to the tropics.

Did you call me, sir?

Yes, I called you.

You don't mind,
do you, Mr. Layton?

I just want to inform you

that if you come aboard ship again
in the condition you were last night,

I'll log you a month's pay.

And where's your cap?

I must have mislaid it, sir.

Mislaid it.

I suppose if you were
commanding this vessel,

you would mislay the anchor
and the steering wheel.

Aw, now, Skipper.

Don't "skipper" me,

you rum-drenched,
half-baked apology for a sailor.

Mark this,

when you select the
passengers to sit at my table,

make sure that you pick out

the most interesting ones,
you understand?

The very best, sir.

And another thing,

I want you to keep me informed about

all that goes on aboard my ship

among the passengers.

I get pretty lonesome
up here on the bridge,

all alone.

I knows how you feel, Skipper.

Take your hands off me!

Good.

Come, come, Sam.

Surely you know me better than that.

Get that bag aboard the lugger.

Yes, sir.

Well, so long, Gert.

It's been great, hasn't it?

Okay, Steve.
I can take it.

Well, we agreed, didn't we, honey,
that it was best?

Best for you and best for me.

Especially best for me.

You'll do great things, Steve.

You bet I will.

First thing I'm going
to do is quit the booze.

And as soon as I board that ship,

I'll start that book.

Sure you are, sweet.

Well, so long, Gert.

So long.

No, you don't, old gal.

Sam, get started.

All right, Mr. Bramley.

Cabin 325, and very nice, too.

Your trunk's already on board.

My trunks?

I haven't got any trunks.

These bon voyage parties.

It's a little boat, ain't it?

It's tidy. It's been
quite seaworthy.

Nice to know.

Stiff, eh?

Sizzed to the eyes.

Aw, quit it, honey.

There's no guy worth it.

Oh, I know Steve's a swell fellow,

but you've got to
think of your career.

Oh, I don't want my career.

Haul in your ladder, Admiral.
I'm aboard.

Uh-oh.

I thought so.

Would you mind
stepping aside, please?

Mmm?

Excuse you, please.

Oh, sure.

My son.

He can say "boat."

Say "boat."
Say it.

His name is Andrecito.

Goodbye, Andrecito.

Adios.

Mama. Mama.

Steve!

Layton, I haven't seen you in...

Well, it must be a year, anyway.

Whoop!

That's Albert, my bugle bird.

He bugles.

Let's hear him.

All right. What would you
like to hear?

Boots and Saddles.

All right.
Let's have it, Albert.

Well... If I thought
you were only trying...

Well, I'll give you a week, Albert.

Either you trumpet or we
have bugle-pie for dinner.

Come on, Albert
you champion whistler,

get into your home.

Oh, good old Mong, eh?

Did you find my cap?

No, sir, but you can use
that one until I find yours.

Oh, well,

I mean, it ain't what you
might call tight. All right.

I'll put some paper inside.
It'll be all right.

Yes, sir?
Oh, half a minute.

You catch 'em some fresh glasses.

You know, drinking glasses?

You mean water tumblers, sir?

Of course.

And get some soda.

Come on, now. Chop, chop.
Get out of here.

Look in that drawer there.

You'll find a bottle of Scotch.

I'm not drinking.

Oh, good.
I'm glad to hear that.

Well, what are you doing
around these here parts?

Leavin' 'em.

On this ship?

On this ship.

Struth!

As if we haven't got troubles enough

on this floating graveyard.

What did you pick out this ship for?

It was the first ship handy.

Oh, it's a terrible ship.

You know, the owners send her out

only hoping they'd be able
to collect the insurance.

What are you making
this trip for, anyway?

Well, I've been in Hollywood
a year and I need a rest.

I see.
For one thing, I've quit drinking.

Good. It's what you
were telling me about.

Put that right down here.

That's the idea.

All right, you can get out of here.

Here you are.
Have a drink?

Certainly.

Good. Say,

tell me something about
this here Hollywood.

Oh, it's a swell place.
I see. Here.

Never bruise liquor.

Well, maybe you're right.

Bad luck.

I'd rather see
a cross-eyed black cat.

Well, well, if it
ain't like old times.

A regular family reunion.

All we need now is our
good friend Danny Checkett.

Yeah, that's all we need.

Hey fellow, have you seen
this passenger Farraday?

No. All I've seen
is his trunk.

That's an awful cap, Serg.

Hey, lay off my cap and
lay off that "Serg" crack.

I'm not on the force anymore.

I'm a private agency.

Is it a disguise?

Hey!
What?

Quit your kidding.
Oh, I'm not kidding.

Come on, be chummy.

Here, have my drink.

I ain't touched it.

Well, I've got to leave
you for a few moments.

I got to go down and
see my dining room boys.

I've got to be going on top myself.

We'll be pushing off in a minute.

Why the rush?

Your partner's up there
ogling everybody.

What's it all about, Elbows?

If I were to tell you,

how could I be sure you
wouldn't cross me up?

You couldn't.

I'll tell you on top.

This bugling turkey
is driving me nuts.

Throw it down.

See if you can't hit
your friends on the head.

Nothing like it. Here you are.
Help yourself.

Throw it down again.

It's an old Hawaiian custom.

Do you figure a smooth
crook like Danny

is going to climb aboard this ship

and crawl right into
your bunk with you?

Oh, I've got Danny sized up good.

He's as smart as a smoke-house rat,

but there's a lot of
smart fellows in jail.

Beat it.

That's right.
Trip over your own feet,

you clumsy fool.

Everybody looking at you.

I'm sorry, honest, I am, Bernie.

Bernard!

Who is she, Serg?

Who's who?

All right, be mysterious.

Well, suppose I don't crack?

I was always a good reporter, Serg.

Yeah, yeah.

But it's one of them things
gentlemen don't discuss.

A few years ago,
they used to call her... Goldie.

There's always one called Goldie.

Yeah, but I always figured
Goldie better than most of them.

Now her name is
Mrs. Rosamund Jeddock.

That's Jeddock with her.

Sounds to me like a happy ending.

Sure.

Only, he's such a worm.

Don't you want to use some more?

What's all this?

Serpentine, I calls it.

Oh, I know, yes.
I used to use it in Java.

Sir?
Used it in Java.

In your coffee?
Yes.

No, no. The city.

I used it in Rangoon as well.

Oh, India?
Yes. I say, let me have a try at it.

Go ahead, sir.

No, no, no, not all together.

One at a time, sir.
Oh yes, of course.

There you are.
Hold it in the center.

There you are.

With a little more abandon.

Oh yes, right. Yeah.

There you go.

There you are!

There we go.
Every time a coconut. What?

That was a good shot.

Of course.

Thanks very much.

Oh, well.

Goodbye.

Stand by your engines.

Stand by engines.

Cast off your bow line!

Cast off bow line, sir.

Cast off your stern line.

Cast off stern line, sir.

Hard astarboard.

Hard astarboard.

Both engines slow astern.

Both engines slow astern, sir.

Adios.

Sure.

Excuse you.
Cheer up.

It's always a little
tough saying goodbye.

You know, to part is to die a little.

Huh?

Oh. Sometimes, to part,

it is to die very much.

Ah, you know, it's too bad at that.

He'll feel better
when the bar's open.

No. I mean, it's too bad about you.

What's wrong with me?

Plenty.

Just now, it's this wrong
steer about Danny Checkett.

You figure it's a bad guess, huh?

Well, here we are,

on our way, and Danny isn't aboard.

There's still the boat
to take the pilot off.

The pilot's going ashore, I guess.

Awfully interesting, isn't it?

Steve Bramley.

Janet Grayson.

Hello, Janet Grayson.

Hello, Steve Bramley.

Ahoy!

Hold that ladder.

Passenger coming aboard.

Just a second.
Passenger coming aboard.

Good evening,
Mr. Schulte.

Good evening,
Mr. Checkett.

The name is Farraday.

In eight years,
you've had 80 monikers,

but you're still little
Danny Checkett to me.

Thanks for the lift, Serg.

Oh, any old time for a pal.

You know, I'd hate to see
anything happen to you.

It'd break my heart.

Yeah? I can imagine.

Okay, copper.

Why, you've got me wrong, Danny.

I'm not after you this time.

No?

Why, no.

I'm not even on the
police force anymore.

I'm a private agency.

Oh, that's fine.
How's business?

Oh, swell.

I'm on my first job.

You can help me out, if you will.

I'd like to make good, kinda.

Delighted.
What can I do?

You can hand me over

that quarter of a million
dollars worth of bonds

you borrowed from
the Trans-Pacific Company.

Quite a nice little tub you got here.

Anybody interesting on board?

Not a soul you know, Danny.

Are you going to hand 'em over?

Or are we to play
hide-and-go-seek again?

Well, if you don't mind,

I'd like to play again.

Well, you're drawing pay, aren't you?

Sure... And expenses.

Oh, that's too, too divine.

Sailor?

Got the bonds in the flooey?

All business, aren't you?

Now, come on, no fooling.

Haul in your ladder.
Look alive now.

Well, if it ain't me old pal...

The name is Farraday, steward.

Huh?

Oh, sure, I know, Danny.

I'll show you to your
room Mr. Far-ra-day.

No, no, no.

I'll carry for
Mr. Far-ra-day.

Mr. Layton.

Yes, sir!

What's happening?

What's going on down there?

Nothing, sir.
Nothing out of the ordinary, sir.

You bald-headed pomegranate,

getting on my neck and in my hair.

Struth!

Danny, this is great.

Miss Grayson,
allow me to present Mr...

Farraday.

How do you do?

Charmed, I'm sure.

And Mr...

I'll stick to Schulte.

How do you do?

I'm charmed, too.

Mr. Schulte doesn't always
wear a cap like that.

Only on boats.

Are you gentlemen
traveling for pleasure?

I thought so, until
I met my friend here.

They always
kid that way, Miss Grayson.

They're really inseparable.

Well, I do hope I'll see
something of you on this voyage.

The only way for you to avoid me

is to jump overboard.

Au revoir.

Pick up the bags, my good man.

He's a great kidder.

Always fooling.
Just like Steve says.

Au re...Goodbye.

You know, I rather like
your Mr. Schulte.

Let's go see if the bar is open.

Lay out my dinner things, will you?

Oh, nobody dresses
the first night out.

I know.

Oh, by the way, who's the danger
signal out there with Steve?

Oh, her.
Miss Grayson.

She's from Boston.

Works in a library there.

Must do it just to pass the time away

because it's a cinch
she has a bundle of dough.

You seem to know a lot about her.

Oh, well, people tell stewards
things, you know.

Then again, a steward's got to be

a judge of character, more or less.

Is that all,
Mr. Far-ra-day?

For one thing,
you can stop pronouncing my name

like you were sucking a lollipop.

Sorry.
But, more important,

there's a 10-spot for you.

Thank you.

Now, I sit next to Miss
Grayson at dinner. Get it?

I got it.

I was hoping you would sit
at the Captain's table.

I'd look cute, wouldn't I,

holding hands with the Captain?

Well, haul your hips, chump.

Haul my hips?
Hark at him.

I guess I'll get ready
for dinner myself.

Still playing
hide-and-go-seek, eh, Danny?

Eh! What?

He gave you a 10-spot, didn't he?

Yes. All right.
I'm going to double it.

Here's 20.
Oh, thank you.

Now, the bidding's closed, see?

I see.

Hello, Steve.

This is Gert speaking.

I can't write what I want to say

because it doesn't seem
to mean anything

just written on paper.

Don't scold me...

Who's scolding?

Go on.

I mean, about the trunk.

I wanted it to be a surprise,

but I almost told you

because I wanted to
see how you'd look

in a double-breasted linen
suit with a flowered tie.

A what?

No, nothing doing, Gert.

I know I lived in Hollywood,

but you've got to
remember, after all,

I came from Chicago.

Go on.

And before I even knew it

I was in the shop,
buying things for you.

Oh, it was a wonderful feeling,

as though I were married to you.

I guess that's the wrong thing to say

because I'm supposed to believe

it's best for you to be away from me.

I'm trying so hard to believe it,

but all I know now is

that I love you

and I always, always will.

Well, just the same, old girl,

I don't wear the ice-cream suit.

Say, lend me a hand with these
buttons, will you?

I often wondered why

a smart fellow like you don't
go in for a square racket.

I've often wondered why
a smart fellow like you

don't go after some soft dough.

Yes, I guess I'm dumb, all right.

Pretty, isn't it?

I like pinks.

With the dinner jacket?

I'll tell you how smart
I think you are.

I think you're smart enough
to listen to a proposition.

Well, if a fellow doesn't
listen, he can never learn.

How much would you take

to let me cash those bonds

in one of these foreign ports?

250 grand?

Tuck in this shirt.

Don't you think there's a resemblance

between the Judge and Byron?

Not the slightest.

Good evening.
Good evening.

Good evening.

My, but you are inseparable.

It's a mistake.

You are to sit at
the Captain's table, sir.

There you are, chump.
Be on your way.

Me, Danny?
I don't rate the Captain's table.

Mong means you.

Yes, Mr. Farraday.

You are at the Captain's table.

By special arrangement.

This way, please.

Good evening, Captain.

The name's Farraday.
Oh.

Mr. Farraday,

Judge and Mrs. Griswold.

How do you do?

Major Waringforth

of His Majesty's colonial service.

Charmed.

Mr. and Mrs. Jeddock.

Bernard.

Daniel.

Just let me get my
hands on a good book

and settle down with it

and I'm lost to the
world, you might say.

I knew you were the deep type.

But you really are.
No need being modest.

I could tell just by looking at you.

Oh, it's not that.

Only I'm daffy about books.

Good books.

Deep.

For instance,

do you think I'd
make a trip like this

without a book on me?

Not a chance.

How very interesting.
What book did you bring?

Huh? Oh, oh, yeah.

The Glowing Secret by Benecia Marlow.

Oh, one of my favorites.

Would you mind if I were to
borrow it after you're finished?

A good joke, ain't it?

I knew you were the deep type.

Uh-huh.

Where's the Captain's table?

Hello!

Hello, Captain.

Hi, folks.

Meet Magruder.

Great Godfrey,
what a messy seating arrangement.

I think I'll take charge,
if you don't mind.

You see, I feel quite at home here.

My late lamented,

may his neat and trusting
soul rest in peace,

was a friend of
the owners of this line.

Well.

I think I'll sit there.

You sit on my right, young man.

Do you mind going over
there, old boy?

Judge, would you cross over here?

You don't mind changing
places, do you, sir?

And would you
mind moving up one, miss?

There you are.
Now, you take your soup with you.

Now we're going places.

Uh-huh.

Oh, I'm still short of a gent

for Mrs. Jeddock's left.

Do you mind if I look around
the boat and ask a lad?

Go ahead, help yourself.

Will you come and sit at the
Captain's table, young man?

Gosh.

Well, now, there.

Now, that looks all right.

Oh, look, Captain,

it came out three men together.

Oh.

Then, you'll probably
want to tell stories.

Sit down, Steve.
Thanks.

Mr. Layton.

Good evening.

Good evening, Captain.

By the way, Mr. Layton,

I'd like to see you later.

On the bridge,
Mr. Layton.

Phew.

If there was an old-fashioned
plank on board this ship,

the old man would
make me walk it tonight.

It shouldn't be hard to find a plank.

Struth.

Kinda late, aren't you?

Oh, about a minute.

Oh, it's all right with me.

I'm laying off the stuff,

unless you can spare just
a drop of cooking whiskey.

Gotcha. Rye?

You guessed it.

Chaser?

Never bruise liquor.

Beaver.

So, this guy and I each
put up 50 smackers,

me betting that the gent
sleeps with his beard

under the cover,
and Jack insisting that it's on top.

Well, how'd you come out?

Oh, the bet's still on.

We never could find out.

Oh, I see.

Your change.

Thank you.
What's your pleasure?

Just a little nip, please.

Name it.

You haven't any, say, Irish whiskey?

Irish and the very best.

There you are.

Gosh.

That's got... that's got a bite to it.

How much?

20 cents.
Hmm?

Two dimes.

Two dimes.

Two dimes.

Thank you.

By golly, I haven't heard
that beard gag in years.

I haven't seen
that coin trick in years.

Shake, old timer.

My name's Steve Bramley.

My name's Joe Silvers.
Call me Joe, if you like.

Have a drink?
No. Later.

Tequila for General Salazaro.

Tequila for General Salazaro.

Say, do you suppose I ought
to try a drink of that tequila

and turn native?

You'd turn handsprings.

You know, there's a jigger of
homicide in every drink of that stuff.

Well, then you send me
over a long highball.

I'll go over and get
chummy with the General.

Go ahead, you'll like him.

Now, what I seem to crave
most of is a Horse's Neck.

Yeah, but, my dear lady...

Now, don't you "dear lady"
me, sonny boy.

I'm a lone wolf

and it's my night to howl.

Well, howl your head off, then.

Make mine a Horse's Neck, George.

And be sure to pick out a big
horse, Charley.

What's that mean?

The fortune of war.

You've had a lot of that,
haven't you?

I have been in many revolutions.

Let me see.

Fernandez, Raviaguez, Cavalo Gavarro.

Around 11.

Five of these,
mi amigo,were what you call successful.

And I tell you,

a revolution is never so
dangerous to a country

as when it is successful.

Oh, I don't know.

My own country,
you've got to remember,

was founded on
a successful revolution.

Exactamente.

You don't have to translate that.

It's a wonder she didn't order
a banana split or something.

She's lonesome like a wolf.

I don't care if she's
homesick like a buffalo.

Go on, peel me a lemon.

Go on, peel it.

You know, round, and round,
and round, and round, and round

for the cock-eyed Horse's Neck.

Go on.

Would you join us?

Grab yourselves a squat, folks.

We're in for some
catch-as-catch-can whoopee.

Take it or leave it.

Now, you sit there, between us.

Do you dance?

That's a tango, ain't it?

I never could go for
them sissy dances.

Now, take a one-step.

How about me?

I can tear a tango to pieces.

Really? How lovely.

Do you mind?
Excuse us, please.

I'm next, toots.

You know, I could sort of
fall for a guy like him.

I'm sure he's fallen for you.

Have you gone nuts?

Tut-tut, Miss Grayson,

and what would the trustees of the good
old Boston Library say to such language?

Doughnuts.

To the trustees?
To you, wise guy.

What's the use taking chances?

Suppose Schulte gets suspicious?

That chump.

Do you want to know where
Schulte is right now?

I'll bite.
Where is Schulte?

He's down in my cabin,
frisking the joint,

trying to find those
Trans-Pacific papers.

Are we going to let our hair
down, Mr. Checkett?

Where's that stuff, babe?

I got it.
I want it.

We can't have the Captain marry us

like you promised with Schulte here.

We'll get married in New York.

That's just dandy.

I'll give you the bonds
for a wedding present,

after the wedding.

I want them now.

Don't you trust me, Danny?

You know I do,

or I wouldn't have given you the stuff
to take care of in the first place.

Come clean, babe.

You know me.

I know dames.

Dames and coppers.

Lots of coppers and lots of dames.

Ixnay, here comes Schulte.

Could I slit your throat and love it?

And don't I know it.

May I?
It's a one-step.

Can I do things with a one-step.

Oh, charmed, I'm sure.

Well, I must go down
and straighten out my cabin.

Things get so disturbed aboard ship.

Toodle-oo.

Now, what'll you have to drink, dear?

Why, I'm not sure.

Speak up, woman.
They're on me.

Well, a sloe gin fizz,
do you suppose?

I'll be right back.

Order.

Now, don't tell me she
wants another Horse's Neck!

Yes, sir.

Did you bring back that lemon peel?

She eats 'em.

She eats 'em?

Gosh.

Go on, peel another lemon.

Let's see the rest of this order.

Four gin fizzes,
four scotch highballs four...

And a sloe gin fizz.

Sloe gin fizz.

You know, nobody but a tramp
would drink a drink like that.

It must be for Goldie.

Hello, Joe.

Hello, Steve.
What's it all about?

I don't know,

but I'm going to find out.

Now, let's see if he can take it.

The winner!

Say, champ,

do you mind saying a
few words to the folks?

Hello, everybody.

Well, folks, the bout turned
out just as I expected,

a knock-out in the foist round.

Hello, Ma, I'll be right home.

You get that, don't you?

Come on.

Come on, Steve,

let's wash off the claret. Okay.

You know why they're laughing?

Because he's telling them about you.

About you being Goldie.

- Shh, Bernie, please.
- Bernard!

Now they all know.

I ought to beat the...

What did I do?
Shut up!

I'd rather sit down at a table

with a lot of dummies
from the waxworks museum.

- I know, but I...
- Get out.

Goodnight, Captain Hilquest.

I'm sorry my foot wasn't in it!

Oh, if I could only do something.

Get out of my sight!

Well, that's something.

That's a great moon tonight.

Yes, isn't it?

How about a little walk on deck?

All right.

If you'll excuse us.

Certainly, so long as
you keep on walking.

Now, that's what I like to see.

Romance.

I could do with a slice
of that moonlight myself.

What say, handsome,
if we hit the deck?

Can you trust me alone?

You're not going to be alone.

I'm going to be with you.

Well, I can always scream for help.

She's a great old gal at that.

Yeah.

If she'd only stop
eating those lemon peels.

Well, good night, Steve.

Good night, Joe.

Good night, I guess, Miss Grayson.

Janet.

It's been swell.

Good night, Junius.

Good night, Janet.

Gosh!

Ah, pretty hot babe
for a library dame.

Kiss me, Danny.

Sure, babe.
We got lots of time.

Please, don't be mean to me.

I'm not going to be mean, sugar.
On the level.

Who is it?

The steward.

He'll tell Schulte.

He might at that. Here.

Who is it?

The head steward.

Thank you. Goodnight.

Imagine getting a
shake-down from my old pal,

and a double shake at that.

Are you sure he won't tell Schulte?

Well, Layton knows I might
stand for a double shake,

but not a double-cross.

I don't care if everyone knows.

There's only you and me, Danny.

Would I string you?

Then, let's don't talk anymore.

All right, then, babe.
Let's get down to business.

Where is it?

Not now, Danny.

Come through, babe. Now!

Is that why you came here?

Kick in.

And I thought you
loved me on the level.

Don't give me the hearts
and flowers stuff.

I go for you and you know it.

But, I'm no dame-simple
chump like Schulte,

whining like a pooch because
some cutie holds my hand.

You've got it on you.

I mean, on you.
Quit it, you fool.

Gimme or I'll yank
those pretties off of you.

It ain't on me.

Then, why not give us a little look?

All right then,

have it your own way.

Frisk that for a starter.

On me, huh?
I'll show you.

Listen, babe, I'm...
Don't touch me.

For the first time
in my life, I'm ashamed.

Do you get that?

Of course you don't.

You claim you're a wise guy.

Well, you ain't, Danny, you're a chump
like you're always calling other people.

If you'd only waited, you could
have had the Trans-Pacific stuff,

or anything I've got
or ever hoped to have.

But you showed yourself up,
didn't you, Danny?

Now, don't get me wrong.

For the first time,
I've got you right.

Just another dame
stuck on the wrong guy.

Only, I found out in time.

You don't mean that, babe.

Oh, don't I?

Well, maybe I don't.

Maybe I'm still stuck on you.

But, just the same,

you don't get those bonds

until I'm darned good and
ready to turn them over.

Forget the bonds.

They don't mean a thing
to me if you're sore.

Stay where you are.

I only wanted to
take care of the stuff.

It's our stake, ain't it?
Our little nest egg.

Now, put this on, babe, please.

Now, you get out of here,

before I forget myself and
tell you what I really think.

What do you really think, huh, babe?

I guess you know, don't you?

Well, tell us, honey.

I've been telling you, plenty.

Well... Guess
I'd better go.

I should have
left you home in the first place.

I'm sorry, honey.

But, I guess I'm not worth

punching anybody in the nose about.

You're the one ought
to get punched in the nose,

ordering that drink.

Well, I always used to
drink sloe gin fizzes.

Sure, you did,

and so did all the
other dames you know.

And now the whole boat
knows about you.

Oh, how could they?
You're just imagining.

You've got the gall
to say that to me?

With everybody laughing at you,
laughing at me?

Well, I don't mind
being laughed at...

By anybody who would
laugh at a thing like that.

Of course you don't.

But I do,

and I'm not going
to take it. Understand?

From now on, we eat all our
meals here in the cabin!

Oh, Bernie.

You said that on purpose.

I'll "Bernie" you.

I guess that's
the wrong thing to say because

I'm supposed to believe

it's best for you to be away from me.

I'm trying so hard to believe it.

Come in.
Hello, Terry.

Hello, Steve.

You know, that's funny.

What's funny?

I could have swore you
had a woman in this room.

Is one supposed to be
thrown in with the room?

I don't want to be shorted.

No, but I'd have taken my oath.

Say, listen,
if you find a woman in here,

I'll saw her in half with you.

Is that fair?
Take a drink.

Oh, I don't mind dipping my beak
a little bit, but not too heavy.

I've got plenty on my mind.

About Danny Checkett and this
Miss Grayson from Boston.

Don't tell me Danny Checkett
has gone literary, too.

Gone for the whole blooming library.

He was down in her
cabin at four bells.

Just think, a nice,
refined girl like her.

Well, he was in her cabin, wasn't he?

Well, what am I going to do about it?

Looks to me as though everything
has been taken care of.

What about Schulte?

Don't you think we ought to tell him?

No. Maybe it isn't true.

Maybe they were only talking
about literature or something.

Oh, I was listening outside
of her cabin and it's true.

How does it happen you weren't
peeking through the keyhole?

Well, the way these blooming
Dutchmen build locks,

there ain't no keyhole.

Well, anyway, we won't tell Schulte,

because if he isn't really
silly about the girl

it won't make any difference.

And if he is, he wouldn't believe it.

Not even if he heard what
I heard outside her door?

Not even if
Dutch locksmiths provided keyholes.

But you are awakened
before breakfast.

It is not yet seven o'clock.

You didn't think I was
going to let you go away

without saying goodbye, did you?

Is it not beautiful,senor,

to see a land after four days at sea?

It sure is.

Especially the land
you're going to free.

I've also arranged for us
to put on a few inches.

Buenos dias.
Buenos dias, General.

Buenos dias,Jose.

Some fun last night, huh?

Good morning, Steve.

I got everything all fixed.

Come on inside, boys, and grow up.

Please, Bernard,

can't we go ashore?

I feel like a prisoner locked
up here for almost a week.

I've been locked up, too, haven't I?

I know, honey.
It's all my fault.

Oh, then, you admit it.

We'll see about it later.

Maybe I'll take you to lunch.

That's a swell ring.

Beautiful, is it not?

General Eugenio gave it to me

just before he was shot.

He was my best friend.

We grew up together,

and when he became dictador,

he made me General

in charge of his army.

Was he executed?

Si, amigo mio.

Oh, he died bravely,
beautifully. Eugenio.

He threw his hat on the ground

and cried,"Tierra, libertad,
mueran los tiranos."

It means, "Land, liberty,
death to the tyrants."

I will miss Eugenio very much.

Who killed Eugenio?

Hmm? Oh. I did.

Ah,buenos dias, Senor Layton.

Buenos dias,Mr. Gilboa.

Buenos dias. Welcome to San Protesto.
Thank you.

I am looking for my friend,
General Salazaro.

Do you know where he is?

Si, si, senor.

I shall take you to him.

Oh,gracias, senor.
Right this way.

Senor Steve.

I wish you meet my so beloved
amigo, Juan Gilboa.

It is a great pleasure
for me,Senor Steve.

Pleased to meet you,senor.

It is a long year since we
have greeted the General.

Too many years.

And now that he is home again,

a committee is waiting for him

to do him a great honor.

Oh, Juanito.
Gracias.

I am sorry he is to leave you,

but you understand, duty.

Senor.

You know, he's a big
shot in that town down there.

- Big?
- Oh, my word, owns half the town.

You must be my guests
when you come ashore.

Will you be there, General?

Senor Steve...

The General naturally has
much official business to do.

Gracias,Juanito.

Adios, Senor Steve.

Is it here you wish me to
stand, mi capitan?

If you will be so good,mi General.

I do not wish to detain you.

The morning is chilly
and your men will want

their coffee and frijoles.

Better still...

If you will permit me?

On the way back to the town,

let them each have

a glass of aguardiente

to drink my health.

Here we are.
This is Gus' place.

Come right in, folks.
Come in.

I'd like to make this trip
sometime when I'm drinking.

Talking about drinking,

just a little beer,

five or six gallons, maybe.

That's more like a tonic.

That's what I need, a tonic.

Is there anything
you wish to say,General?

Oh, of course.

Of course,
there is always something to say.

Weren't those shots?

The General's revolution.

It can't be anything serious
if they blow bugle calls.

Oh, I wish Albert could hear it.

Here's to the General
and his revolution.

Here.

Senoras y senores,

I am very happy you do me this honor.

Would you mind if I steal
Mr. Bramley's company

just for one minute, please?

Senor.

Excuse me.

Of course.

Say, Gus,
how about some more beer here?

You were a very good friend

with General Salazaro, no?

Oh, yes.

We became pretty good
pals aboard the boat.

Great fellow.

Oh, I knew him since we were boys.

He was my very best friend.

He wanted me to give you this.

Well, well,
that's pretty swell of the General.

How's he coming along
with his revolution?

Oh, it was very orderly.

It was already en la picota,

what you call in
American, "In the bag."

Over before the General arrived.

He won without a battle?

He lost without one.

We took him prisoner.

Prisoner?
Si.

Just before he landed.

Because the ring was so valuable

and because he knew
he could trust me,

he asked me to give it to you

just before we shot him.

Before you what?

Fortuna de Guerra.

Those were shots we heard, all right.

What?

So they got the General.

Now, you got it straight?

See? I'll stand up so you
can see me through the door.

Then, I'll put my hand
to my ear this way, see?

Then, you boys go into
the Wedding March.

What's the matter?
Don't you get it, Moxon?

Yeah, I get it,
but my name ain't Moxon.

Oh, that.
We picked this drum up in a hock shop,

and the sign was on it already.

My name is Bartosh.

Well, where have you been, toots?

We've been cutting into the grape.

Wouldn't you like to know?

Cut away.

Folks...

I suppose you all wonder

how the champagne got on your table.

Well, I'll tell you.

This little lady has just
promised to be my wife.

Take it easy, Jeddock.

It's a cheap trick, Bramley.

A dirty, cheap trick.

I suppose you think it's smart, huh?

Telling everybody about her,

about my wife

and what she was
before I married her.

Laughing at her.
Laughing at me!

Oh, you've got me wrong.

All right, then, go ahead and laugh.

All of you laugh.
I'll laugh myself.

Funny, isn't it?

Me, married to a woman like her.

A woman with a past

that she can't live down
even on a ship like this.

I suppose you think
it's been easy for me, huh?

Trying to build up a business,

trying to get into society,

and all the time being afraid that

someone would recognize
her for what she was.

For a dame named Goldie

that I picked out of the gutter.

Come on, old man,

let's get out of here before
the captain throws you in irons.

Come, Victoria.

Stick around, Griswold.
Come, my dear.

Stick around, Griswold.

You'd look funny with a
bowl of mashed potatoes

draped over your head.

And I think you actually would.

And if you think I actually wouldn't.

Gosh.

Well, I'll not listen
to another word.

You'll listen.

You'll listen and like it or the
gravy goes with the mashed potatoes.

I claim there's something
wrong with a man

that can't be civil
to a poor, frightened girl

who's in a tough spot.

And I'm telling the world
that you're a wrong guy.

That's better.

Now, you sit, and sit still

till me and Mrs.
Jeddock has left the room.

Come on, honey.

Come on, lamb.
You're escorting the ladies.

Mr. Layton.
Yeah?

So, there's nothing goin'
on aboard my ship, eh?

Well, I...
Rats, Mr. Layton.

Nice day, eh,
Mrs. Jeddock?

Why don't you go in
for a little dip, hmm?

Thanks, that's a good idea.

I think I will.

Good. Have fun.

That's what we're on
this cruise for, you know.

Of course. Have fun.

No, no, lady!

Woman overboard!
Woman overboard!

Who is she?
What happened?

Full speed astern!

Full speed astern, sir.

Hard aport!
Hard aport, sir.

He shouldn't of dove.

Woman overboard.
Woman overboard.

Woman overboard.
Woman overboard.

Well, really?

My ship's stopped,

my crew's in the life-boats,

half my passengers are
frolicking in the ocean,

and you think
you're bringing me news!

It's Mrs. Jeddock, sir.

And I told her to take a dip.

I might have known it was your idea.

Get out!

Thanks, pal.

Don't thank me.
They're his cigarettes.

She's still unconscious, sir.

Will she come out of it?

We're doing everything we can.

She's suffering from a very
severe shock, you know,

and exhaustion.

A lot depends on her heart.

Let me have a bulletin every
hour, doctor, please.

Yes, sir.

Down came another body,
crashing into the water,

and then another body.

I say, Skipper, how is she?

Look on the bulletin board.

You still got Jeddock in irons?
Yes, sir.

You're not to use
unnecessary roughness,

do you understand?
Yes, sir.

Unless, of course,
he tries to get tough.

He already got tough, sir.

Very good, Mr. Donlin.
Yes, sir.

Stop following me!

I'm not following you, sir.
I'm just going your way.

Mr. Layton.
Sir?

One more word out of you
and I'll have you in irons.

Jolly, ain't it?

The ship's like a morgue.

Everybody's going around
frightened to death

and talking like they're
scared of their own voices.

You're whispering yourself.

Could you stand a drink?

No, no, not now. Later.

Yeah, you're right.
It's no time to start drinking

and it's no time to stop.

Deal me one.

Same?
Yeah.

All the same much
quiet on topside, eh?

Just a few people, sir, for dinner.

There is nobody on deck.

A few in the lounge,
some in the smoking room.

Not many, sir.

And I told her to take a dip.

Struth.

Say, Steve, the skipper wants you
to go up on the bridge right away.

Tell him I decline the invitation.

It's not an invitation.
It's orders.

You're a witness and Schulte is
going to do the investigating.

Once a detective, always a detective.

Well, the skipper asked him to do it.

He figured it more in Schulte's line.

Well, let's make it a snappy inquest.

Say, why don't you come down
to my room when you close up?

Thanks, I will.

I'll bring down a little something.

Well, there's a little
something down there.

Well, I'll bring down
a little something more.

That's right.
There'll be three of us.

Oh, I can't drink with you fellows.

Imagine, I said to her,
"Why don't you take a little dip?"

I says that to her.

Well, did she have a good night?

About the same.

Oh. Well,

you get all the sleep you can, child.

I've had rest enough to last
me for a month of Sundays.

Oh, thank you, dear.

This is embarrassing.

Right under my nose.

It's no-go, Danny.

I mean, our cozy little plot.

Quit joking.
What's on your mind?

Just that.
I mean it.

You're just upset like the
rest of the chumps on this tub.

Goldie Jeddock tries the Dutch act,

then everybody suddenly
discovers he has a conscience.

Tell me why, if you can.

I guess it's just a case of,

"There but for
the grace of God go I."

Look here, what are you going to do?

I'm going to quit.

Me?

I couldn't.

I mean, we ought to give
up the bonds to Schulte.

Why?

Well, for one thing,
he saved your life.

Well, what's that
got to do with business?

Besides, I'm not so sure
that I'm grateful to him.

It's a pleasant sensation, drowning.

Try it sometime.

I'm serious, Danny.

All right, babe.

You've got the bonds.

If you want to give 'em
up, I can't stop you.

But you won't.

Oh, excuse my appearance.

Oh, that's all right.

I came here to tell you something,

something about myself.

So, you knew all the time.

You've been kidding me.

I was kidding Danny.

If I'd had some other picture of you,

I'd have thrown that
overboard long ago.

Are you in love with me?

I'm in love with Janet Grayson.

I didn't know a cop
could be so swell.

I'm a private agency.

Janet Grayson has come to tell you

where Michigan Red hid the bonds.

Don't tell me, Janet.

Love with people like us,
must be built on trust.

You've shown that you trusted
me when you came here.

Now I'm going to prove

that I trust you.

When we get to New York,
I'll give you an address to go to.

You can give me the bonds there.

Oh, Junius.

Now, you've been up all right, Janet.

Go in and get some rest.

Thank you, Junius.
I will.

I feel like Pagliacci, kind of.

Mr. Layton.
Hello.

I just wanted to tell you,

you can go back to your quarters.

The fire's out.

Oh, good old Donlin.
Where was it?

They don't know.

It kinda went out by itself.

Close that door, you bungling idiot.

What's this about a fire?

What fire?

Where? When?

It's out.

Oh.

Oh, we were going to tell you,
sir, when it got going good.

You were, were you?
Oh yes, sir.

That's very decent
of you, Mr. Layton.

Would you mind telling me,
if it's not a secret,

what else is happening
aboard my ship?

Oh, yes.
The doctor said the crisis is past

and Mrs. Jeddock
is going to pull through.

Oh, get out.

How dare you?

Oh, it wasn't me that done it, sir.

It was...
It was Albert.

He done it.

He's a bugle bird.

Oh, you ought to hear him bugle.

Get out, both of you!

Jeddocks, fires, bugle-birds.

You've not been too bored?

Me? Say,
I've liked it fine.

What, with them strange foreign ports

and them historical and
picturesque places and so on.

And, of course, you became engaged.

You know,
I keep worrying about the Jeddocks.

Maybe it's being
engaged and sentimental,

like the way a guy gets
when he's that way,

but I'd like to bring them
together again.

I'm afraid it can't be done.

Jeddock is willing.

He's begged for
a chance to apologize.

It's Mrs. Jeddock
who won't have it.

Well, give me
a chance to talk to her.

What can I do to help?

There's a way.

There's a judge in Chicago tried it.

Before he'd give a couple a divorce,

he'd arrange for them to meet
alone in his private chamber

and give them the last
chance to make up.

That's very interesting.

You'd be surprised how it works out.

Could we use, say, your quarters,

like the judge's chamber?

Of course.

I'll see to it at once.

Oh, I beg
your pardon. I...

Don't mention it,
Captain. It's all right.

This is swell of everybody.

We're hoping it will bring
your husband to his senses.

I'm sure it will.

We'll leave you alone,
Mrs. Jeddock.

Let's go down the deck and wait.

Good luck, dear.
Thanks.

Say, listen, just between you and me,

did old man Magruder
ever take a sock at you?

What?

Say... Say, I'll tell you
about that sometime.

That mug would take
bows from a scaffold.

Well, Mr. Schulte, you still
think it will work out all right?

You'll see, Captain.
I'm sure I was right.

It's a wonderful idea

and isn't it just too thrilling?

Oh, my dear, tell us.

Did it work?

Like a charm.

In that case,
I'll be happy to release him.

Fine.

Mr. Layton!

It's the first time I ever
really got a good crack at him.

I nailed him just as he
came through the door.

Then I let him have a
couple more for good luck.

Oh, before I forget.

Thanks, Serg, for the persuader.

Oh, that's all right, Goldie.

Any old time.

You know, for a pal.

Ready to leave?
Yes.

You got the stuff on you
now, haven't you?

You guess.

I'll know soon enough.

Well, now I'll go
get my stuff together.

Give you a chance to
kiss the chump goodbye.

Yeah. Like
I always say,

"A sucker born every minute."

That's right, Bernard,
you clumsy fool.

Trip over your own feet with
everybody looking at you.

Yes, dear.

I can't go with you now, darling.

I've got a couple of
things to tend to.

But, uh, here's the address
I was telling you about.

I'll meet you there.

All right, Junius, but please hurry.

Hello, chump.

What are you sticking around for?

For the laughs.

Like what, for instance?

Like your waving
goodbye to your fiancee.

What's the laugh?

Because you don't know how long
that goodbye is going to last.

Oh, quit your kidding.

It's all arranged.

She's going to meet me this afternoon

at a place I told her about.

Yeah, I know.

And she's going to turn over
the Trans-Pacific papers to you,

and you're going to be married.

So, you don't really think
she'd marry you, do you?

Don't kid yourself.

Do you know who she is?

Do you mean do I know that
she's Blanche Ditworthy,

alias Michigan Red?

I knew her the moment
she came on the boat.

Yes, you did.

She's reformed, the babe has.

I was looking for laughs,

but I don't want
to go into hysterics.

Control yourself, then,

because I get funnier as I go along.

Listen, Elbows,

I arranged a little
engagement gag myself.

The babe's too smart a dame

to turn square guy with a
quarter of a million in the bag.

Did you ever think, Danny,

it was a mistake to let a
dame handle all that paper?

It's as good as cash, you know.

And did you ever think, chump,

that it might be a mistake
to let her go ashore

with all that paper on her?

Yes. I thought of that.

That's why I took
charge of it myself.

It's not that I didn't trust her.

The chances are

she'll never forgive me for
having suspicions this way.

She crossed me.

Thank you, Mr. Layton.

I shall never forget you
for this wonderful present.

Oh, that's all right.
Oh, Albert.

Oh, he's a blooming fake.
He won't bugle at all.

And besides, the captain has
took a violent dislike to him.

Aw.

Yoo-hoo, wait for me, toots.

Bring Albert along.

Why, you weren't going without
me, were you, dear?

No.

Oh, oh, please. Oh!

French maid, eh?

Danny. Come on.
Come on, dear.

Hey, what's the idea?

They tell me she's
worth seven million,

and am I in good.

Well, goodbye, Steve.

Good luck, Terry.
Thank you.

Admiral.
Goodbye.

Stiff, ain't he?

He's as sober as the
day he came aboard.

Well, here we go again, Danny.

Sorry, Junius,

but it's a little too much
temptation for one little girl.

Driver, 414 East 52nd Street.

How do, Mr. Steve?

Hello, Steve.

Hello, Gert.

Did you stop drinking?

No.

Did you start your book?

No.

Oh, Steve. Steve.