The Campaign (2012) - full transcript

What's it all about?

America, Jesus, freedom.

Say it again.

America, Jesus, freedom.

And what does that mean?

Shit, I don't know.
But the people sure love it when I say it.

How's my hair?

Strong. Real strong.

Let's send him back to Washington.

Democratic congressman today,
vice president tomorrow.

Here he is, running unopposed...



- Hello, everyone!
- ...Cam Brady!

North Carolina is taking care of business.

Just like you, every day,
I'm living the American dream.

I come from humble beginnings.

My father worked with his hands...

...as head stylist for Vidal Sassoon.

- Amen!
- Very much the typical American family.

I'm here today with my beautiful family,
and I'd love for you to welcome them.

My two children, Jessica, Cam Jr.

- I love you, J. Lo. Camouflage.
- Get them, Camo!

And of course, my Rock of Gibraltar...

...Mrs. Rose Brady, my wife.

Love you, baby.

My dream maker. Thanks for coming out.



Cam Brady '012.

Our nation's security
has never been stronger...

...because our troops and our veterans
are this nation's backbone.

Because farmers are this nation's backbone.

Schools is this nation's backbone.

Audio-installation specialists
and window tinters are this nation's backbone.

Because Filipino Tilt-A-Whirl operators
are this nation's backbone.

And I wanna make you a promise today...

...that if you send me back to Washington, D.C.,
for a fifth consecutive term...

...I will let them know it's about America,
Jesus and freedom.

We love you, Cam!

I love you too.

You got a lot of energy, don't you?

- Oh, Shana.
- Oh! Oh, Cam!

Your body's so toned.

- Cam!
- So toned.

- Cam, it smells horrible in here.
- It's not that bad once you get used to it.

If it's a-rocking, don't come a-knocking.

This is bad, Cam.

This is real bad. Okay?
I don't like those numbers at all.

- Just one poll. Those things aren't scientific.
- Yes, they are.

All this is is science. This is math.

But if you took it
and put it on its axis this way--

Hey, look, Cam, I'm telling you right now,
it was the phone call.

- Mm-mm.
- Yes.

- No way.
- Yes way. No, look at this, look at this, okay?

Sixty-two percent of the people
that got asked liked you, okay?

Then the phone call happened.
Then they asked the same question.

Now only 46 percent of the people like you.

Run through it one more time.

Look, before the call, this is you.
Like Price Is Right.

And then look at that. Straight down.

I thought I was calling Shana. I misdialed.

And, Lord, we just pray
that you bless this table...

...this food, this family and this nation.

Hey, Jared,
let's let the machine take one for God.

Hey, Shana,
it's Congressman Cam Brady here.

I just stepped away from a family dinner
to tell you I wish I wasn't eating fried steak.

I wish I was eating Shana pussy.

Seriously, baby, you get me so hard
my dick presses against my zipper...

...and it hurts like a motherfucker.

What else?

Oh, hey, I got your parents tickets to
The Producers.

And, oh, yeah,
let's do something crazy weird next time...

...like lick each other's buttholes
in a Denny's bathroom.

All right, I gotta go. Cam Brady in '012.

- Okay.
- Now, that was clearly a wrong number.

- Right.
- He is not listening to Jesus...

...because if he was,
oh, Jesus would give him a tongue-lashing.

Not like the one he has requested.

And that family's hopping mad.

- What do you want me to say?
- You tell me.

I fucked up.

Yeah, we're in a bad situation here, okay?

- What do you wanna do?
- Get out front. Walk it back.

We can't have this.
It's a behavior that has to stop.

But, congressman, you made the call.

I have made in my lifetime...

...probably over 100,000 phone calls...

...of which I could say maybe 1 percent
have been inappropriate.

- What is that, a thousand phone calls?
- That is exactly 1000.

A thousand phone calls have been rude,
inappropriate, sexually explicit.

Phone calls I wish I could take back.

But that's only 1000 out of 100,000.
I'll take those odds any day of the week.

Gentlemen, I can't bring this bill
to the floor. I'll get killed.

There is no way Congress
will let Motch Worldwide Global...

...put "made in America"
on goods made in China.

Why not?
The name of the town in China is America.

Oh, now, technically it's Mera-Kai.

My brother and I are job creators.

And because of that,
we're also candidate creators.

My hands are tied.

- That's a real pity, isn't it, Wade?
- Yeah.

By the time we're finished,
half your district will think you're a Marxist...

...and the other half will think you've got
every D.C. Craigslist hooker on speed dial.

Got it?

When the family plugged in their phone
into the answering machine...

...they became consenting adults.

Cam Brady's done.

He doesn't have this district
locked up anymore.

Let's get Brady out of there.

Finance someone
who'll be a friend of the Motches...

...and help us change these regulations.

Who do we have down there
that we could run?

Big Jim Santon's in prison
for embezzling state lottery funds.

- Sad.
- Well, Raymond Huggins' boy Marty?

Isn't he the weird one?

Has weird ever stopped us before?

How, in the year 2012,
do they still have an answering machine?

Why are they denied modern technology?

Make the call.

Come on, guys.

- Hey there, Marty.
- Hey, Tammy.

- Good morning, Dr. Scruggs.
- I have no idea who you are.

Hey, Diane.
How's business at Candles 'N' Such?

Such is selling.
I can't move the candles, though.

Yes, you can, Diane.
"Can't" is the real C-word.

Cock-a-doodle-doo, Travis. You look tired.
Did you get some sleep?

Yeah, I'm just real high.

You're hysterical, Travis.

- How's the turnout for the 11 :30 tour?
- Just one person signed in.

What? Are you serious?
What happened to the eighth-grade field trip?

I guess the kids
would just rather go to class.

- Well, I just need one person.
- Yeah, well, guess who it is.

Mrs. Cutler again.
She got a crush on you, Marty.

She's gonna have to get in line. Heh.

Hammond, or the jewel of the Carolinas,
as I like to call it...

...is rich in history
and flush with natural beauty.

We've also had celebrities pass through.

Eight years ago,
actress Rosie Perez passed through...

...when she got turned around on the interstate
and came to ask us for direc--

- Travis, stop, stop. Stop the tour. Stop the tour.
- Now? All right.

Hello, Father?

Yes.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Oh, I's a-coming, I's a-coming.

Patience for the tired.

Now, you just enjoy that view
from the porch, now.

Oh. Almost there.

Oh, well, my Lord, if it ain't Mr. Marty.

- Hi, Mrs. Yao.
- Oh, come on in, child.

Oh, Mr. Senior's down at the docks
trying to scare up some catfish.

He's still making you talk like that?

Yup. He pays me an extra 50 bucks a week.

Says it reminds him of the good old days.

- He can be an old coot.
- Yeah.

Well, hey, your daddy down by the lake...

...fishing for some catfish to fry up.

Mm, Lordy, that sounds good.

Catfish.

- Marty, you stack of cock rings.
- Stop! Ha, ha!

- Mouthful of pubes.
- Don't tickle. Stop tickling me! Stop tickling me!

- Full revenge, man.
- Stop! Stop tickling me!

I'm sorry, brother. Ha, ha. Oh, man.

You should see the look on your stupid face.

Ah. It's good to see you, brother.
Daddy got a little surprise for you.

- Do you know what it is?
- Yeah. But I ain't gonna tell you, dick sweat.

- Bam! Ha, ha.
- Ow!

- It's still funny.
- Come on. Let's not keep Daddy waiting.

Okay. Hey, Daddy.

Now, listen up.

Glenn and Wade Motch called this morning.
You know the Motch brothers?

And they feel there's an opening
to challenge Cam Brady for congressman.

And, well...

...believe it or not...

...they want you to run for office.

Dad, that is like the greatest....

This is like the greatest news I've ever heard.
I can't believe this.

All these years I've been begging you
to let me get into politics...

...and right now here it is.

I didn't even know they knew who I was.
Motch brothers.

Well, I'll tell you this.

I'll make you proud. I will.

I'll make you-- I'll make you real proud.

I'd say there's mathematically zero chance
of that happening.

Your brother Tripp is a bull's-eye.

But you look like Richard Simmons
just crapped out a goddamn hobbit.

Dad, if you're still holding a grudge
because I wore Crocs to Mom's funeral...

...like I've told you a thousand times,
I'm sorry.

Mom would've wanted it that way.
She was casual.

I don't even know what to think.

I got so many thoughts
running through my mind...

...about what I can do for the district
and for the town, for the people of Hammond.

Give them a voice.
Put them in the right direction.

I mean, it's a mess out there.

Son, it's no secret
we've never enjoyed each other's company.

You can be so bleak sometimes, Dad.

Hmm.

Did you ever get that calendar I sent
of those animals dressed in human clothing?

I was looking at mine yesterday
because I bought one for myself...

...and it had a giraffe in high heels.

And I thought to myself,
"Who thinks of this stuff?"

I laughed so hard.

I thought it was super cute.
A giraffe is tall enough as is.

Then somebody thought,
"Let's put a giraffe in high heels.

Maybe add a belt.
There was a little bow on him."

Boy, you really are a sad little fucker,
aren't you?

This is the 14th district of
North Carolina and the city of Hammond.

We are acquiring massive parcels of real estate
under a shell corporation...

...so we can reopen three large factories.

Ostensibly, we own this district.

We think we can operate at the same regulatory
and wage levels as China...

...and eliminate shipping costs.

And your government will cooperate?

We also own
the most important resource of all:

a willing candidate.

Candidate. Your elections are unpredictable.

Mr. Zheng, there's something
you need to know about American politics.

When you've got the money,
nothing is unpredictable.

Sometimes democracy moves
with the stroke of a pen...

...and tonight Cam Brady
will win his fifth term in Congress...

...simply by registering for the ballot.

That's the perks of running unopposed.

- Check it out. It's a picture of my dick.
- Oh, come on.

I shaved my pubic hair to look
like a 19th-century handlebar mustache.

- Man, put that away, will you?
- I'm gonna tweet it to Shana.

- Cam, don't do that, please.
- Too late.

I CC'd you. Heh.

- I don't wanna see it.
- You're welcome.

Next up, we have ballot confirmation
of Camden Brady, congressman.

Thank you, Carl.

- Let's get this bad boy signed.
- Let's do it.

I couldn't tell what was going on.
I thought the thing was locked.

What the hell is this?

- Hey, Becky.
- Hi.

Hello.
My name is Marty Sylvester Huggins...

...and I'm here today to formally announce
my candidacy on the Republican ticket...

...for the 14th district for congressman.

I have, uh, my check and my application
and my birth certificate all right here if you....

Wait, what--? Hold on. Hold on.
What's going on here?

Hold on a second, Cam.
Let me take a look at this.

All his paperwork is here.

Marty Huggins is officially on the ballot...

- ...running for congressional representative...
- What?

...of the 14th district of North Carolina.

- Are you kidding me?
- Hey, come on, Carl.

- Is this some kind ofjoke?
- Come on, Carl.

They're gonna wanna get to know you...

...now that you're challenging
our congressman.

How do you expect to do that?

- Uh, say that again.
- That's Marty Huggins.

You know, back in fourth grade,
they used to call him Tickle Shits...

...because all you had to do was tickle him
and he'd shit his pants.

- Oh, I remember that name.
- Mm-hm.

I'm Marty Huggins, and I approve this message.

- I've always wanted to say that.
- Heh.

What the hell?

I can't seem to--

- Push the door.
- Yeah, you gonna push.

Push it? Push it real good?

Breaking news out of North Carolina.

Democratic incumbent Cam Brady...

...getting a run for his money
by newcomer Marty Huggins.

Early rumors have billionaire industrialists
the Motch brothers...

...financing a PAC supporting Huggins.

And with a thin majority in the House,
this race could be hugely important.

You know, baby, I've been thinking.
I don't like this.

Why does a Marty Huggins
come out of nowhere and decide to run?

Baby, I'm a thoroughbred.
I'm gonna smoke that clown.

Kids, put your headphones in.
About to use TV mature words.

You know I love it
when you get all bitchy and wild.

You listen to me,
you dick dragging around a body.

Marty Huggins' daddy is Raymond Huggins.

He was Jesse Helms' campaign manager
for six terms.

- Mm-hm.
- He's got fucking juice. What have you got?

A mistress with a GED and a 9-year-old son.

She's got a kid?

Ass and titties, ass and titties
And big booty bitches

Ass and titties, ass and titties
Ass and titties

Last election,
Newsweek mentioned you as a possible VP.

- I want that VP nod, Cam.
- Okay.

I wanna be second lady.
And what are you doing to make that happen?

You're grinding your hairy crescent roll against
any piece of ass that flashes you a smile.

None of that was my fault. I was powerless.

I was plied with copious amounts
of Red Bull, Jell-O shots...

...and Goldschläger.

Remember Dr. Jenkins,
he thought I had Crohn's disease.

There were flakes of 24-karat gold
in my stool for about a month.

I crapped gold.

Was the nicest thing.

- Just got a call from, uh, Cam Brady...
- Oh.

...saying that, uh, he invited me
to something called a civility brunch.

Oh.

Which I think is just a chance for us
to share a meal together...

...and talk about the campaign
and its issues...

...and make sure
that everything's gonna be civil, you know?

That's a lovely idea, Marty.
We're all so proud of you.

I knew one day
your dad would realize your true potential.

Um, boys, put down your utensils.
I wanna talk to you about something real quick.

I wanted to take this time...

...to say that we're gonna be under
a lot of media scrutiny.

So if there's anything
that you wanna talk about...

...any kind of secrets...

...or stories or fibs...

...now's the time to put it on the table, okay?

And if you tell me,
if you tell me and your mom...

...we're not gonna be mad.

I said the Lord's name in vain at school.

Mm-hm.

Well, I said I wasn't gonna get angry,
and I'm not angry.

Okay. Good.

I went to the petting zoo
and I let the goat lick my penis.

What? What--?

- Now, that I have a--
- Now, honey.

Now, you promised
you wouldn't get mad, okay?

They're just-- They're being honest.

Okay. Maybe that's-- Hopefully, that's it.

I had a beer with the old biker man
at the end of the street...

...and he let me touch his old lady's titty.

- Oh, God.
- Ugh. "Breast."

I go to the mall and hide in a stairwell
and take photos up women's skirts.

I have a whole book of cooter shots
under my bed.

One time I put a firefly in my butthole.

- Why?
- To make my farts glow.

Oh, God.

I shaved the dog and glued the hair
to my nut sac so I'd look like a grown man.

Oh, God.

I touch myself to Drew Carey
on The Price Is Right.

God.

Okay, that's enough. Stop, please.

I wanna thank you all for coming here today.

Events like this give us an opportunity
to show Washington, D.C...

...that we're not gonna stand for the
mudslinging that's tearing this country apart.

Support our troops.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

And with that, I would like to, uh,
take this time...

...to introduce my opponent and, uh,
my friend, Marty Huggins.

Marty?

Thank you so much.

Thank you, uh, Cam. Thank you, uh--
Thank you everybody.

Well, I'm a little nervous. Heh.
I'll be honest with you. Um....

My dad always told me two things
about giving speeches.

One, never say anything bad
about the Jews...

...and two, tell an interesting story.

I have two pugs.

One's named Poundcake
and one's named Muffins.

Good Lord.

Anyway, Poundcake loves
to get underneath the sofa.

And I know exactly why.

Because my wife leaves Milky Ways
underneath the sofa...

...with Hamburger Helper on it.

And Muffins is always yapping at him,
like, "Don't go underneath the sofa."

And Poundcake barks back:

"I am under the sofa,
and I'm having a good time."

And they look at me like, "What?"

The other one's looking at the other one,
going, "What?"

Then I walk in like,
"What are y'all two doing?"

But every day, it's the same thing.

Just barking about one of them
being underneath the sofa.

- That's-- And that's my story.
- All right.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, Marty.

Have a seat.

I am sorry. Where are my manners?
I forgot Marty's bio.

Didn't know I had a bio.

Mitch, if you'd go ahead and kill the lights.

If we could draw those curtains, thank you.

Little presentation.

Today we are here
to meet Martin Sylvester Huggins...

...who was born right here in 1972.

As a boy, Marty attended camp
for weight loss and emotional stability.

In high school, he was part
of an all-male a cappella group, Dude Ranch.

At 25, he met the love of his life.

She proposed to him six times
before he said yes.

Together, they have two boys...

...and two pugs,
which, keep in mind, are Chinese.

They're Chinese dogs.

And currently Marty Huggins
works out at Curves...

...which is a workout facility
for plus-size women.

Anyway, don't you find that interesting
to learn about Marty Huggins?

That's my opponent, Marty Huggins.

Eat up, everyone. Enjoy.

Welcome to the fucking show.

Okay, Marty, you're not gonna cry.

Hey. Get some American dogs, you Commie!

- They're not Communist dogs.
- Drive.

Move the car. Stab and steer. Let's go.

- Who are you?
- Tim Wattley.

Motch brothers sent me.
I'm your campaign manager.

I'm here to make you not suck.

Now put this shit bucket in gear.

- What's this all about, Mr. Wattley?
- Your life as you know it is over.

Your campaign headquarters
are being furnished and staffed...

...and the Motch brothers have put $1 million
into your political action committee.

But these are my things.
I mean, this is my doily collection.

- And that's my sign.
- From now on, you don't own pugs.

You own a chocolate Lab and a
golden retriever, two highest-polling dogs.

One of them will be named Sergeant,
the other Scout.

They will wear bandanas.

Sit.

What about my pugs?

- Have them put down humanely.
- Coming through.

No. That cannot stay there.

You wanna put a live deer in the backyard, fine,
but I don't want dead things--

No. You cannot have guns in here.
Are you crazy?

Dylan is prone to intense bouts of violence.

Marty. Marty, they just let themselves in.
I tried to stop them.

They want me to cut my hair
like Katie Couric.

I want a Bible on this end table...

...and an oil painting of an eagle
over this fireplace, stat.

We have 49 days...

...before this district of 700,000 people
decides if they like you or not.

Right now, your likability is at 26 percent.

The focus group words
that come up about you are "odd"...

..."clammy," "probably Serbian."

- That's an old one.
- "He looks like the Travelocity gnome."

What?

If you really wanna help this district,
the first thing you have to do, Marty, is win.

I do wanna help the district. I love my home.
It's just all happening so fast.

Listen, I think Cam Brady can be beaten.
But I don't believe you believe that.

You know what?

I'm just gonna call your dad
and tell him you don't have the rocks for this.

Hey.

You put your phone away, Mr. Wattley.

This might be hard for you to believe,
but this dog has a ton of fight in him.

A ton of fight.

And when I get a scent, I hunt, brother.
I hunt all day long.

So don't you ever insinuate anything
like that again.

Call me Tim.

Complete makeover, head to toe.

No, no, no, not the pink one.
Let me have a black one.

It looks like that Precious girl's panties.

Younger, stronger, smarter.

Hit him again.

Oh! Don't do that, it tickles, okay?

Why don't you clean this crap up off the beach?
Keep the change.

Like Burt. Goddamn it.

Why don't you clean this crap up
off the beach?

- Again.
- Why don't you clean this crap up off the beach?

- Get rid of this.
- That's where I keep my things.

No, up. I need you up, like this.
See the difference?

- Yeah.
- Here. Watch me. Up. Up.

Swag. There you go. Like a man.

Sassy salesman sold me Sicilian sausages.

Keep it simple
and direct questions to the talking points.

- My boy Spanx are too tight.
- They're supposed to be. Now suck in.

When you meet Cam at center stage,
shake hands but don't let go.

Pull him close, maintain a smile,
and then lay some trash talk on him.

- Yeah.
- Set the tone.

Right.

- You jacked?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm jacked, yeah.

- Now you're jacked.
- Now I'm jacked. Okay.

Good evening, everyone.
Please welcome candidate Marty Huggins...

...and Congressman Cam Brady.

Yeah, baby. Looking good, baby.

- Good to see you.
- How you doing?

Hate to break it to you, friend,
but your balloon's getting ready to pop.

And that balloon's full
of your own butt toots.

Are you trying to trash-talk me?

Might wanna decide whether
you're gonna buy toilet paper or aftershave.

- Because your face is like a butt.
- Oh, my God.

- You don't know how to trash-talk, do you?
- I do know how to.

- Let me give you some trash talk, okay?
- Mm-hm.

You know what the difference between
your mama and a washing machine is?

When I dump a load in a machine...

...machine doesn't follow me around
for three weeks.

Now you go.

You should take a bath in a toilet.
I just wanna do the debate.

No. Now I go.

You're such a little turd...

...that when you sit in sand,
cats try to bury you.

You have a very vulgar mouth.

- Please let go of my hand.
- I want you to reach down and touch my nuts.

- Stop.
- That's what nuts feel like. Touch it.

- I don't want to.
- Let me see if you got any.

Sirs. Sirs, we'd love to get started.

- I'd love to start.
- Me too.

- Tim.
- Get him something to stand on.

Thank you.

Our first question will go to the incumbent.

How would you bring jobs back
to the 14th district?

That's a great question, Carl.
Thank you for asking it.

It's the first thing I think of
when I wake up in the morning...

...and it's the last thing I think of
when I go to bed.

Jobs in North Carolina mean what?
A strong North Carolina.

And a strong North Carolina
means a strong America.

And that, my friends,
is how we're gonna do it.

- All right.
- It's how we do, baby.

- Yeah.
- It's how we do.

You've got my vote, Cam.

Mr. Huggins,
you have one minute for a rebuttal.

Just like we rehearsed.

Cam Brady just gave you
the old D.C. Dip and Twirl.

Just danced around the question.

Well, I'm here to tell you, North Carolina,
that when it comes to jobs for my district...

...Martin Huggins doesn't dance.

He rolls up his sleeves,
puts his sandwich in his lunch pail...

...and brings jobs to the Tar Heel State.

- Yes!
- Yes!

What the hell?

Let's bring back corporations
to North Carolina.

Let's clean up D.C.

And bring your brooms, because it's a mess.

There was a clear winner in the first debate.
Marty Huggins simply electrified this crowd.

Two hours ago,
this congressional race was dead on arrival.

- That was real nice, Marty.
- I was jacked. I don't know what I was saying.

- Doesn't matter. You killed it.
- Marty. Here he is.

Rumpelscrotskin,
you been doing so good up there.

Who did this to you?

You could not have been doing this
on your own.

Oh. I want you to meet Becky.
Becky, this is Marty.

- Hey, Marty.
- Hey, Becky.

Wow, you were great.

- I thought you were married to Mindy.
- I am. This is Becky.

Your brother said I could dance
in your campaign video.

I have a lot of experience.
I worked for Jumbo's and Crazy Girls.

- Fantastic.
- Well, well, well. Tim Wattley.

- You really outdone yourself this time.
- Gentlemen. Very spirited debate.

- Hey, Cam.
- Hey, Becky.

Hey, Becky.

Well, if you'll excuse us,
we've got some babies to kiss.

Okay.

It was like I was another person,
you know?

I actually have a baby I need to kiss
right down there.

- What's the matter with him?
- This is my district. That's my baby.

- Excuse me.
- Excuse me, please.

Oh. Oh, you don't take a swing at my hair.

You little fucker.

No!

Oh, shit.

Bizarre news coming out of the 14th district
congressional race in North Carolina.

Now, get this: Cam Brady,
four-time congressman, punched a baby.

This is likely to hurt him
with the Christian right, social conservatives.

Really any group
that opposes baby-punching.

Baby is fine, and he said he punches
like a 3-year-old.

After Cam Brady's baby-punching incident...

...Marty Huggins has jumped 11 points
in the polls.

That is totally taken out of context.

Well, not really.
I mean, you punched that baby.

Is anyone asking how my hand feels...

...after punching that iron-like jaw
of that baby?

- How is your hand?
- I can't even make a fist.

I tell you right now, though,
I'm so angered by seeing that...

...I wish I could go out
and punch that baby again.

We're getting killed. You're the
best campaign-ad guy in the business.

I got something that's gonna help.
We tried to take a negative...

...okay, your recent scandals,
and show the positive side of that negative.

Take a look.

Cam Brady has come under fire...

...for getting it on with this woman,
Shana St. Croix...

...a former professional cheerleader
and part-time aerobics instructor...

...who can do this.

And this.

- Yes, she can.
- Okay.

Shouldn't our leaders be men we admire?

We can go into all the great things Cam's done
as a congressman...

...or we can just show some more
of this little honey.

Vote for Cam Brady...

...a real American man.

- I don't know. What do you think?
- Oh, I fucking love it.

Shana's gonna love it too.
She looks so hot in it.

Jesus, Cam.

Well, let me tell you something.
This spot tested through the roof with men.

- I knew it.
- Now, here's the downside.

Horrible numbers with women.

- You don't say.
- Horrible?

- Yeah, that's not a surprise to me.
- Worst we've ever seen.

- You're kidding me.
- No.

- "Worst" as in...?
- In the history of numbers.

Yeah, that's lower than I thought.

Okay, now, this is a spot to raise some
important questions in the minds of voters.

We're calling it "Homeland Insecurity."

- Ha, ha.
- Check it out.

Al-Qaeda. The Taliban.

I hate those guys.

One thing unites all of them
in their blood pacts:

facial hair.

There's someone else, North Carolina,
that has facial hair:

Marty Huggins.

- Right.
- Right?

Why doesn't Marty Huggins
answer the question?

Is he a Taliban or an al Qaeda?

Are you kidding me?

Why does Marty Huggins
refuse to take a lie-detector test?

Why won't he?

And where exactly
was Marty Huggins on 9/11?

- Bingo.
- Okay.

There's just too many questions.

Boy, that is solid too. Real solid.

- Yes.
- Uh, Rick, let me ask you this.

Has there been any sort of correlation
between Huggins and, heh, Islamic radicals?

- I mean, at all?
- None that I know of.

What-- I think what Rick's trying
to illustrate with that...

...is there's still a heck of a lot of questions
about this guy.

- Spot on.
- How are we gonna pay for these?

We're gonna run them both.
Let's turn the heat up on Mr. Marty Huggins.

Gentlemen, we're really counting
on your support.

The guys at Goldman Sachs are prepared
to donate $500,000 to your super PAC.

Provided, of course,
you pick up the phone any time we call.

That's not gonna be a problem.

If you give us a million, hell,
I'll let you sleep with my wife.

- And for 1 .5, I'll throw in my cousin.
- I don't know if you want her cousin.

That might drive the price down.

- No, she lost weight.
- Oh.

Mrs. Brady, are you playing footsie
with me under the table?

Nope, that's me.

He's a switch-hitter.

- Oh, no.
- No, no.

No. I did once. I did once, in college. Yes.
Which we've never talked about.

It goes without saying,
this lunch never happened.

This question is for the congressman.

Why have you consistently voted
against campaign-finance reform?

Yeah.

We all know big money
is running this country.

- That's right.
- Do they run you?

Yeah!

Hold on.

Why don't we stop all the softball questions
and ask some real questions, okay?

Like why won't Marty Huggins here
take a lie-detector test?

- Yeah. Take the test.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Is he an al Qaeda? Is he a Taliban?

Congressman, please.

I've seen a mustache like that before,
and you know who wore it?

Saddam Hussein.

And I believe we never caught two of his sons,
Uday and Falafel.

I am not beholden to
Cam Brady's accusations.

I am beholden to only one man...

...and that is the greatest American
that has ever lived:

Jesus Christ.
Who happened to have a mustache.

There you go, Marty. Amen, Marty.
Jesus loves you, Marty.

Cam Brady, is it true...

...that you have not been to church
in over nine months?

- Good question.
- First of all, my relationship to God...

...is not measured by taking attendance.

Hallelujah.

Well, as a Christian, I guess that it would
be easy for you to recite the Lord's Prayer.

Is that what we're resorting to here?
Gestapo tactics?

I would like to hear that.

Would you like to hear him
say the Lord's Prayer?

- You heard the man.
- Fine, I'm happy to. Ahem.

If the media wouldn't mind
turning off their recording devices...

...and closing their eyes as well,
we can start with the Lord's Prayer.

Our father...

...Art, who is up in heaven...

...aloe vera be thy name....

- Thy. Thy.
- The thigh.

Thy kingdom....

Thy kingdom come.

The magic kingdom.

As it is on earth...

...in a helicopter.

Give us this day our daily...

...pizza and let us digest it.

Forgive us....

Pass.

Forgive our passes we commit sometimes
on womenfolk...

...with their dresses that are too tight.
Like, that's a nice caboose you got on your--

You know what?
That's not part of it, I know that.

Keep your heads bowed, please.

Forgive us for trespassing...

...and do not lead us to the Temptations.

Because we are tired of them
and their dancing.

And deliver us from evil
with your mighty sword and falcon...

...forever and ever and ever. Amen.

Amen.

- That wasn't right.
- He doesn't know it.

- He does not know the Lord's Prayer.
- It's pretty close.

I know the essence.

I think we can all agree.
Cam Brady, he's a mess.

All I know, if you say, "It's a mess,"
you don't support our troops.

Cam Brady '012.
I was the last one to say something.

Yeah, baby.

Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty!

You want a holy war, little man?
You got one.

- Every day
- Every day would be Sunday

Thank you for having me
at your congregation.

First time I've worn a Yamaha. It fits nicely.
How do you say "It's a mess" in Hebrew?

Donkey Kong?

I have the faith in me.

- Hallelujah.
- Yeah. All right.

Mitch, I could do this forever.
These snakes love me.

Goddamn it. Fucking son of a fuck.

Oh, the fucking cunt-ass serpent bit me!

Oh, jam a lit sparkler up my dickhole.
That is painful.

Staple my tits to my balls
and then do sit-ups. It hurts.

Sir, words like that
have never been spoken in this room.

But the fucker bit me.
I'm sorry, the snake bit me.

- Which means you don't have the faith of God.
- Yeah-- Yes, I do.

God has removed the venom from my blood
and the blasphemy from my heart.

- It's a miracle.
- It's a miracle.

Hallelujah.

- I can't feel anything. It's F'd up.
- Hey, you okay?

Hey, Cam. Come on, we gotta go.

I feel like I'm maintaining.
Am I maintaining, Mitch?

- No, you're not. You look horrible. Come on.
- Let's get a couple of burritos.

Oh, my God.

Now, a poll conducted this afternoon
shows the congressman...

...getting a two-point bump from the incident.

Why were you handling dangerous
snakes without a professional present?

For the poops.

Mitzi, look at this.

Cam Brady got a two-point bump out of a--

- I was watching that.
- No, Marty. We have to talk.

You're never home,
and when you are, it's all politics.

Gosh, I am so flustered.

Everybody's got me
running every which way but loose.

I just wanna get back to the basics.
I miss you.

Let's just have one night like we used to.

No Tim Wattley.

Just the family.

That sounds like a little slice of heaven.

What the fuck is going on in here?

You kids go upstairs,
wash your filthy faces, and get to bed.

Hurry up!

Are you gonna let him
talk to our children that way?

- Let me handle this.
- I know you're Marty's wife, but I swear...

...get out before I lose my shit.

- Marty.
- Now, Mr. Wattley.

Marty, I need you kicking Cam's balls in
on a daily basis.

And I come here and find you playing
Hee Haw with the fuck-around gang.

- Oh, he's drunk. You're drunk.
- Yeah, I'm a little lit. So what?

You have an opportunity to win this thing.

Do you really think so?

You promised me this dog could hunt.

Can you do that?

Yes, I can, Mr. Wattley.

That's my boy.

I think I'm gonna take the children
and go stay at my mother's for the night.

Mitzi, this will all be over
as soon as I win, okay?

I promise.

Just remember, Marty,
what you're giving up for what you're getting.

Come here.

Yeah?

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Camo, what's going on?

Hey, uh, I just wanna let you know
that I'm running for class president.

Good for you. Come on in, have a seat.

So, uh, what are the issues you're gonna
run on? Figure that out yet?

No, no, that's boring.
Nobody really cares about that.

But I did spread a rumor...

...that my opponent, Tommy Monahan,
may or may not have a vagina.

- That could work, yeah.
- It will work.

Win at all costs, right, Dad?
You taught me that.

- Yeah, I guess I did.
- Learned from the best.

These dreams go on when I close my eyes

Every sec--

Cam Brady.

What are you doing here? It's 11 :00 at night.

I know. But, uh-- But we need to talk.

What is this we have here?

It's a small-batch bourbon.
By-product of the prohibition days.

Mm. Oh, wow. Thank you. That is smooth.

- It's good.
- It's good, yeah.

- Ah.
- Well....

- Are they okay?
- What's that?

Your Chinese dogs.

Well, pugs were bred
with, uh, short snouts...

- Mm.
- ...so they could lock in and take down lions.

I find that hard to believe. Heh.

You can Google it. It's worth a Google.

Marty, I was thinking we could
make this campaign a little more civil...

...if there were some way that you and I
could become friends.

Well, I appreciate you saying that, Cam.

The meanness and the nastiness
needs to stop.

I mean, this race is for the people, isn't it?
It shouldn't be about us.

Do your dogs ever go to a different room?

- No, I like to have them nearby.
- Oh.

You know when I first got into politics?

The fifth grade. Heh.

Out on the playground,
there was this jaggedy old jungle gym.

Rusty, sharp edges.
We used to call it Jim the Ripper.

It got me pretty good.

Yeah, I remember that old jungle gym.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Well, in the fifth grade,
I ran for class president...

...under one promise:

to take down the jaggedy jungle gym.

And I won.

Well, that's a heartwarming story, Cam.

Ah.

Thank you.

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

We are--

We are definitely going to Cancún.

And you're not gonna pay for a thing.

- Bye, Marty.
- Heh.

- Hey, Cam?
- Yeah?

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, you too.

Oh, man. Whew.

You know what to do, Marty.

Hammond Police.

Yes, I'd like to report a drunk driver, please.

He's going to D-D.C. to be VP

Whoo!

Barracuda

Oh, fuck. Fuck me.

- In God we must.
- Sir, please get out of the vehicle.

You have a great night.

- Sir?
- Huh?

- Please get out of the vehicle.
- Get out of the-- You know what? Absolutely.

And thank you for doing your job.
I appreciate it.

Also, thank you for releasing me
upon my own recognizance.

Sir, have you been drinking?

Yes, I have.
I've had five or six small-batch bourbons.

That's a lot. I'm gonna have to ask you
to take a Breathalyzer test.

Mm-hm.

We got a runner. Stop running!

- Try to catch me, Ranger Rick.
- Stop!

Oh, yeah. Okay. Oh, yeah.

Oh, whoo!

- Chase.
- Stop the vehicle! Stop the vehicle!

I'm an American.

And I believe in American ingenuity
and hard work.

Unlike my friend here, Cam Brady...

...who believes that everyone should live
in Rainbow Land.

Douglas, I'd like to say one thing.
I'm an American too.

And I have no idea what he's referring to
as Rainbow Land, okay?

I'm referring to a 13-page doctrine...

...written by Camden Brady...

...called Rainbow Land.

That's something I wrote
in the second grade.

I think anybody that writes
about the redistribution of wealth...

...sounds like a communist to me.

- Am I right?
- Hold on.

It is the simple story of a teddy bear
giving a pot of gold to a leprechaun, okay?

- That's right.
- May I read from Page 7?

Don't listen to him, Cam.

"Please come with me to Rainbow Land...

...where unicorns are made of fudge
and cotton candy...

...and everything is free."

It's a fictitious place.
Rainbow Land, it's fiction.

I guess we're all idiots
according to Cam Brady.

- I didn't say that. I did not say that.
- Hey! Hey!

I do not want to live in Rainbow Land...

...and you can't make me live
in Rainbow Land.

- Yeah.
- This is America.

You do not have to live in Rainbow Land.

- You can go to Rainbow Land.
- It does not exist.

It's a fictitious place. I was 8.
It's from a child's imagination.

- It's right here in his communist manifesto.
- Oh, come on.

- I won't go to Rainbow Land.
- Sit down.

I said, sit the fuck down. It doesn't exist.

Go back to where you're from, dick.

It's not a real place!

How many times do I gotta say it?
It's not real!

- What is he pointing at?
- Don't worry.

- Is he pointing at me?
- He sure the fuck is.

- Cam, you're a communist.
- He's talking shit about me again?

- You pointing at me?
- What?

- You pointing at me? You talking to me?
- Huh?

- Fucking dickhead!
- What are you doing? Cam, no.

- What did you--?
- No. No!

No, no, no!

Your nickname in school was Tickle Shits.
I'm gonna see if it's true.

Don't you shit your pants, Marty.

- Don't! Ha, ha!
- Go for his hair.

- You do not touch the hair.
- Don't you touch my hair.

- It's a $900 haircut.
- Don't talk about that, Cam.

I'm gonna kill you.

Remember the politician that punched a baby?
Well, he's at it again.

He punched Uggie, the dog from
the Academy Award-winning film The Artist.

Marty Huggins is solidly ahead.

Why would you do this?
You just killed the campaign.

You're five points down. You can't win this.

I told you, I don't truck with losers.

Plus, I got offered a lobbying job in D.C.
for Motch brothers.

- The Motch brothers?
- Yup.

You know what they're trying to do.
Get you to leave me.

- You got your baton, baby?
- Yeah.

Come on, baby, we're a team.
You're my rock.

You're dragging me down, baby.

What if my poll numbers go up?
Will you come back?

I hate to do this to you, buddy,
but we got bigger problems.

I think you need to see this.

Congressman
Cam Brady claims to be a family man.

What a nice day we've had.

- Cam Jr.?
- Mm-hm.

- The batting cages, the water park.
- Must be a hidden-camera situation.

You were doing cannonballs.
You were good at those.

- Yeah.
- Seeing any girls yet?

- What is he doing?
- Sort of.

Must be tough having your dad
not be around that much, you know?

What is he talking about?
I'm around too much.

I could be your dad.

- You can call me "Dad."
- No.

- Go ahead, try.
- No, don't do it.

- No, I'm your daddy.
- Go ahead.

- Dad.
- Oh, shit.

There you go. That wasn't bad.

I'm Marty Huggins,
and I regretfully approve this message.

Love you, Cam Jr.

Marty Huggins,
the father Cam Brady will never be.

Just take it easy. All right?
Just take a deep breath.

Now, we ought to think about
how we gonna get back, okay?

But we can't let emotion
cloud our judgment, okay?

We gotta think logically here.
Now, what do you wanna do?

I'm gonna fuck his wife.

Great. No. No, you can't do that. No, no, no.

I'm gonna fuck his wife,
and I'm gonna go put it on television.

No. Okay, you definitely can't do that.

First part, maybe,
but the second part, definitely not.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

You get my son to call you "Daddy,"
I fuck your wife.

- That's the deal?
- That is the deal.

What are you pointing at?

- Got a book of bad ideas?
- I got a book of good ideas. That's the first one.

Get my son to call you "Daddy"...

...turn the page, it says, "Fuck your wife."

Okay, let's talk about this.

Welcome back, everybody,
to The Price Is Right.

George Gray, who's next, please?

Coming.

Congressman Brady.

Marty's down at the tourism office, so....

I really like your hair.

It's very Katie Couric.

Thank you.

May I come in and use your phone?

Cal Tjader. Best known
for starting the samba-salsa jazz craze.

Yet sadly, was not recognized
for a Grammy for over 40 years.

I find it tragic when someone isn't recognized
for perfection.

That's very interesting.

Tell me something about you.

Oh, uh, well, I love owls.

I collect them, you know.
Not real ones, of course.

But I got some porcelain
or maybe china ones.

There's some pretty grumpy ones too
that kind of have those big eyebrows, like--

Oh, God,
I know exactly what you're talking about.

- I'm gonna let these little fellas out.
- Oh.

Come on, little buddies. Come on.

Get out, you little fuckers.

They are tiny little munchkin butts,
aren't they?

They're Marty's dogs.
They don't listen to me.

Well, I don't understand that,
because I find you fascinating.

Oh, thank you.

Mitzi, I'm gonna cut to the chase.

I've had feelings for you.

- Are we doing what I think we're doing?
- I don't know.

I tell you right now, my heart is beating
like a phone book in a dryer...

...and I'm so afraid
of what's about to happen.

What's about to happen?

This.

Ooh.

- Ooh!
- Oh.

I want you to put my head in the freezer
while you do me from behind.

- Hold on, hold on. Isn't the freezer too high?
- I'll get a stool!

Easy. Easy, Mitzi. Easy.

The following commercial
is rated TV-MA for mature audiences.

Marty Huggins can't even
take care of his own wife, so I did.

- Whoo!
- That night, Marty's wife voted.

- Multiple times.
- Good work. Attaboy. Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo!

- Getting juicy in here.
- Whoo!

Come on, this isn't a game.

I'm Cam Brady,
and I seductively approve this message.

- Boom. There it is. Let's get this out ASAP.
- Cam, you can't do that.

- Why? Because it wasn't your idea?
- No. No, because it's porn.

- I didn't sign up for this.
- Oh, really?

What did you sign up for, Mitch?

The Big Fat Pussy Who's Too Afraid
to Do What It Takes to Win Club?

You gotta calm down.
You're going crazy on me.

- I'm crazy because I refuse to lose?
- I think so.

Goddamn it, Mitch! Goddamn it!

My feet are taped to the bicycle on this one!

I will do anything it takes to win.

- Hey, hey.
- Even if it means lying!

- Or physically hurting someone!
- Easy, easy, easy. Put that down.

Or branding myself with a coat hanger
in the shape of a V for "victory."

I get it. Okay, I'm sorry, everybody.

Even if it means listening to Metallica
in a sauna...

He's a little stressed out.

...while I do push-ups
with a naked Shana on my back.

- Come on, man.
- Is that crazy?

- I think so.
- Do I seem crazy?

- Or are you the crazy one?
- You gotta stop it.

Okay, sit down.

Sit the fuck down right now. Okay.
Breathe. Just breathe, okay?

Now, what is going on with you?
This is getting out of hand.

Okay, look. Here's the deal, Mitch.

- I did get a little crazy there.
- Yes, you did.

But I gotta tell you,
this is what it's gonna take to win.

Cam, I've been here for eight years with you,
by your side.

And we've done some great things.

But I don't know
what the hell's gotten into you.

What?

And to be honest with you,
I'm pretty goddamn disappointed.

I'm sorry.

Okay, well, get out of here. Go.

- Anyone can do your job.
- Hey.

Anyone.

- You. What's your name?
- Uh, Jason, sir.

I just started here. I'm an intern.
But I'm a poli sci major in college.

Okay, well, guess what, Jason.
You're running my campaign.

- Are you serious?
- Congratulations to Jason, everyone.

- Nice round of applause.
- I got so many good ideas.

Did you know that our government,
we actually give tax breaks to companies...

...that outsource jobs to other countries?
That's awful.

We've already lost 7 million jobs
since NAFTA, right?

You get the fuck out of here.
You get the fuck out of here.

I don't wanna hear that bullshit.
Hey, what did you major in in college?

- You!
- Uh, sports marketing.

Okay. You're running my campaign.
Take this down to the TV station.

Go. Right now. Tell them to run it.
Let's go, people.

Let's win this thing for America. Right?

It's the first combination political commercial
and sex tape...

...and it's got over 65 million hits
on YouTube.

Cam Brady was supposed to be
on my show tonight...

...but he's had to cancel again.

He's apparently dealing with a sex tape.

He's gotta withdraw his name from the ballot
at the very least, wouldn't you say?

- Uh, a slight bump, actually.
- What?

And there's Muffins and Poundcake...

...in a parking lot of an airport Denny's...

...thirsty, alone and tired.

And then I find a wife who's forced me
to wear the horns of a cuckold.

Look, Marty, I definitely did wrong.

But do you know this is the first time
you've actually talked to me in weeks?

The entire country is talking
about what you did.

I know.

Tim says I gotta kick you out...

...or else I'll look weak
and I'll lose the election.

When did Tim Wattley
become part of this family?

Why don't you make up
your own mind, Marty?

I think you should leave, Mitzi.

At least until the election's over.

And then what?
You'll be the old Marty again?

- And what if you win?
- Well--

- Marty, you should've never entered this race.
- Well, Cam Brady should've never entered you.

- Tim told me to say that.
- Gross.

Goodbye, Marty.

We're out of Honey Nut Cheerios.

Okay, so here's the deal.

If I bag a buck,
we'll get a nice bounce in the polls.

So, what I did is
I bought a dead seven-point buck, I froze it...

...and I put it out by the lake in the woods.

It's probably defrosted by about now.

So get the photographers ready when I yell.

That's an awesome plan, congressman.
What's the signal?

Well, you'll hear a gunshot,
and then you'll hear me yell:

"Black Hawk down!"

That makes sense. Hey.

Marty Huggins.
I didn't realize you were a sportsman.

Sorry about that thing with your wife.
You know politics.

Ho--! He shot me.
Black Hawk down! Black Hawk down!

- You saw it. You all saw it.
- Way to go, Marty.

- Hunting season's over. Let's go, start the car.
- Yes, sir.

It went right through my femur.

Candidate Huggins shot his opponent,
Congressman Brady, in a hunting accident...

...and went up in the polls.

Ted Nugent would be proud.

- Bravo, young man.
- Well, well, well.

If it isn't Dick Van Shrinkle.

We didn't have any idea
that you had this kind of talent.

Well done.

I'm only saying this because I've had
about a dozen brandies and a bump of coke...

...and I'm a little emotional.

Goddamn it, I'm so proud of you. I mean--

You actually shot a man
and went up in the polls.

That's something we've only dreamed about.

Well, I would've shot somebody a long time
ago if I knew you'd be proud of me, Dad.

- Sit down.
- Okay.

Well, the good news is
you don't have to worry about the charges.

There was not a single soul
who was willing to testify.

As of right now,
you are 12 points over Cam Brady.

- That's right.
- Well, I'm just super overwhelmed by it.

It's been a really good day.

Well, I got some more good news
for you, son.

We have purchased all the rights
and large tracts of land in your district...

...and we will be building three factories
that will generate 8000 jobs...

...and over a billion dollars of revenue
per annum.

Oh, my goodness.

And we immediately sold that real estate
and debt...

...to the People's Republic
for a massive profit.

- I'm sorry, to who?
- Oh. The 14th district now belongs to China.

Guess those jobs will be good
for the district.

Actually, American workers
are paid way too much...

...for us to book the profits
we're accustomed to.

We'll be bringing in low-paid Chinese labor.
They'll clock in at 50 cents an hour.

We call the concept "insourcing."

And we want you to start using "insourcing"
in all your campaign speeches.

The word tested through the roof.

It just kind of seems like you're building
a big sweatshop in Hammond.

You have factories in China.
Why are you gonna bring them here?

It'll save a fortune in shipping.

It'll double the already-doubled profits
that we make.

With all due respect, I thought we were
gonna do something nice for the district.

And when you request those EPA waivers
and concessions on minimum wage...

...the whole project will be a go.

Well, Marty?

No, I won't do it.

I'm not gonna be known as the congressman
who sold out his district to the Chinese.

What are you doing?
You're fucking up, baby bro.

Goddamn it, son! Will you do as I say?

Look, I'm not the type of guy
that talks back to his father.

But I imagine that guy, and I imagine that guy
would say something like this:

You were never there for me.
This town was always there for me.

And by the way,
I know when you were married to Mama...

...you were having an affair with that woman
that looked like Dog the Bounty Hunter.

What you're doing is wrong. It's dead wrong.

Jiggle it.

- Jiggle a little.
- Jiggle a little.

I did. I mean....

- Jig-- You pull-- Lift it up and jiggle it.
- Lift it up.

- Shake and push.
- Now push.

- No, at the same time. You gotta--
- Jiggle, shake and push.

- Yeah.
- There it is.

Nope. Now I got it.

Do we kill him?

No, no, no.

What we're looking for is a new,
fresh voice...

...that'll wake up the people
and harness their frustrations.

A savior, if you will.

And it turns out
he's been right in front of us all along.

I'm not gonna cry.

- I'm not gonna cry.
- Rinse.

Jesus, Wattley.

What the hell are you doing in here?

Motch brothers sent me.
I'm here to make you not suck.

Introducing the new and improved Cam Brady.

Bring him down.

How you doing, North Carolina?

The new Cam Brady is here today
to stop the talking and start the walking.

The funny thing is, there's still
a lot people out there that say no.

Marty Huggins says no.

But we're gonna kick his ass,
because that's how we do.

Whoo!

Motch paid me 50 grand
to make a few appearances.

We're not back together.
Put your arm around me.

Now, remember,
y'all have to support Cam Brady.

Cam Brady '012. Whoo!

Y'all have to hate Marty Huggins!

Well, let's be honest.

We're getting our tushes handed to us.

You're only eight points down, Marty.

There's a chance we could make it up
before the polls open tomorrow.

- Hello, Mitzi.
- Hey, Marty.

Look, after 17 years of faithful marriage...

...I did a bad, stupid thing.

I got crazy, Marty.

I lost myself and who I am.

And I'll be sorry for the rest of my life.

Well, you should be.

You hurt my feelings, Mitzi.

And I don't get my feelings hurt that much,
you know?

But I'm to blame too.

I turned my back on the boys and you.

And to the people of this town.

I got all messed up with the hoopla
of bigtime politics...

...and look who I am now.

I ain't much of nothing.

Marty, tomorrow is election day.

You're not gonna win.
And that means they'll destroy this town.

You've got 14 hours
till they open up those polls.

We're up against some dirty players.

It's time to save this town.

Now, when you say something like that...

...I do get a little careless whisper
in my body.

- Do you?
- Mm-hm.

Be my Drew Carey.

Mitzi Huggins, come on down.

Oh. Oh, I'm dizzy.

Okay, people.

It's time to get to work. Let's do it.

It's election day.
Polls are opening on the East Coast.

Record turnout
in North Carolina's 14th district..

...where Cam Brady is solidly ahead.

- All right.
- That's how we do.

Ha, ha. Hello.

Stuart, do you still have those
TV commercial spots available for today?

- Mm-hm.
- Okay.

Hey. Hey, everybody.

Hey, shut up, shut up, everybody.
Check out these TVs.

Hello, I'm Marty Huggins.
I'm running to be your congressman.

I've spent my last penny on this ad
to tell everyone in the district one thing.

I have not been honest with you.

See, the truth is,
big money is running politics in America.

Billionaires and corporations
have given me millions of dollars...

...to say what they want me to say.

What the hell is he doing?

And most of the time,
what they want me to say is a lie.

Well, I'm not doing it anymore.

But on this election day,
if you choose to vote for me, know this:

I will never take another dime
from any billionaire or corporation.

And to get the ball rolling,
I will tell you the darkest secrets of my life.

On October 23rd, 1996, at 2:11 p.m...

...I farted in a very crowded elevator
and blamed it on a war veteran.

I would like to apologize to that woman.

Last year, I attended a Halloween party
dressed up as Lady Gaga.

I felt so alive and free,
I did not take off the costume for two days.

As a prank, when I was 15...

...my big brother told me
you have to masturbate with your feet.

And to this day, that's how I do it.

This feels good. Ahem.

Everyone, turn to the person next to you,
reach in your heart, and let it speak.

I had an affair with the waitress
at Ruby Tuesdays.

So did I.

I run a meth lab out of the kids' tree fort.

I'm your twin sister.

Sometimes when I get a little drunk,
I let kids touch my old lady's titty.

Ninety percent of the time,
I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about.

I tried to kill you in your sleep.

What?

Three times.

You see, telling the truth feels good,
and it's what this country was built on.

I'm Marty Huggins,
and this is one message I approve.

Oh, Mr. Raymond.
Here you go, your afternoon refreshment.

- Mrs. Yao?
- Yeah.

Do you know what I like most
about your Asian boys?

Hmm?

They respect their elders
and do as they're told.

You have been saying for years...

...how you want Marty to stand up
and be his own man.

Well, he's finally done it.
You should be proud of him.

- What did you say?
- Oh, right. Uh....

Your son Marty be standing up like a man...

...but his pappy gots to support him.

This is bullshit.

Election day winding down.

North Carolina's 14th district
one of the last to call it.

And today opponent Marty Huggins
did the craziest stunt to date.

Marty Huggins, he actually promised to be
the most honest congressman out there.

Listen, guys,
he opened his life up, and it's worked.

He's up in the polls.

The whole country is still waiting
on the result.

Ahem. We have a winner,
as verified by the State Election Board.

And the results were as follows.

With 90,362 votes, Camden Brady.

And now for the results for Martin Huggins:

80,365 votes. Cam Brady wins.

- Yeah! Whoo!
- All right. Whoo!

How can that be?
We were up 10,000 votes in the exit polls.

How can that be?

Who's taking care of business now?

- Thank you.
- We did it, baby. We did it.

It's you and me against the world forever.

Cam Brady!

- Thank you. Thank you so much.
- Well done.

Pardon me. Excuse me, thank you.
Thank you.

- Mitzi.
- Cam.

Sorry.

Hey, Marty.

Why are you so upset?
You ran a hell of a campaign.

- I mean, you got a real talent for this.
- You still don't get it, do you?

I didn't do this for some career.

I did this because I love my home
and I wanted to help out.

Just like you did when you took down
that jaggedy jungle gym...

...so other kids wouldn't get cut like me.

- It got you too.
- Yeah.

I remember that jaggedy jungle gym.

- Ow.
- Look at this.

Oh, no.

Doctors said it was the worst
playground accident they'd ever seen.

And I just dangled there
for two straight nights.

Oh, good Lord.

But back then, in the fourth grade,
I voted for you.

You know why?

Because you were a voice of the people.
But that's when we was kids.

I guess this is the, uh....
The way of the world now.

Come on, Cam, we gotta go.

It had to be said.

- Pull up your pants, honey.
- Okay.

Here he is, the man of the hour.

It's been a pleasure running his campaign.
Congressman Cam Brady.

We love you, Cam.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much. Thanks.

So, uh....

So I won. That's great.

Marty Huggins did a crazy thing
on TV today.

He told the truth.

So here I go.

I am a great politician.

Yeah.

- But I am a horrible congressman.
- No.

Now, hold on, hear me out.

I hardly ever vote in Congress,
and I never read the bills.

When I'm in D.C.,
I mostly Facebook old girlfriends...

...play fantasy hockey.

Words with Friends, Scrabble,
Draw Something.

I just enjoy being Congressman Cam Brady...

...and I was scared to death of losing that.

So I took a bunch of money
from the Motch brothers...

...and convinced myself that selling
the 14th district to China was a good idea.

All they care about is profits.

Not you, not me, not America.

The only reason why my wife is here tonight
is because they paid her to be here.

Jesus, I think we should
take our leave. Excuse me.

- He's a liar.
- He's a nutbag.

Don't touch me. We're both ex-Marines.

Get away now.
Get away or I'll start slapping people.

But do you know which individual
in this room...

...stood up to the Motch brothers
and said no?

Marty Huggins.
That son of a bitch fears no man.

He should be your congressman.

Sure, I know what you're thinking:
He's a weirdo.

I've often wondered...

...why the folks
from Ripley's Believe It or Not!...

...haven't broken into his house...

...and kidnapped him
for a permanent display.

He's one of the good ones,
and I've actually grown fond of him.

So with that, I'd like to announce
my withdrawal from this election...

...and congratulate
Congressman Marty Huggins.

Come on up here, Marty.

Goddamn.

AUDIENCE
Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty! Marty!

You sure about this?

Get on up there before I change my mind.

Thanks so much.

One minute you got your pants down...

...and the next minute
you're a U.S. congressman.

It's usually the other way around, I guess.

I'd like to thank Cam Brady
for his intestinal fortitude...

...for doing what he just did.

I want the 14th district to know
that you will not be sold to China...

...to Brazil...

...to Nova Scotia...

...or any other country.

- Hi, Cam.
- Hey, Mitch.

That was the greatest gesture
I've ever seen in my life.

- That was book-worthy.
- Thank you.

- I'd really like to work together again someday.
- Well, nothing would please me more.

It's a deal.

By the way, I hope you don't mind me
saying this, but you look great.

- I started drinking again.
- Oh.

Mm-hm.

And I want to end daylight savings time.
I hate when it gets dark early.

Washington, D.C., I have a message for you:

I'm bringing my broom,
because you know why?

It's a mess.

It's a mess! It's a mess! It's a mess!

It's a mess! It's a mess!

Congressman
Scott Talley will tender his resignation...

...over allegations of using federal funds
to purchase his mistress's fake breasts.

Large breasts offer more protection
to a woman's tender vital organs.

- Talley's done.
- What a waste.

- Connie!
- I think you fired her.

Oh, damn it. Who is it?

Hola, it's me, Rosita,
your new cleaning lady.

Oh, this is a big casa.

It's going to take me forever to clean it,
but I do it for you.

Go away.

This is a subpoena...

...for you to appear before a congressional
hearing on campaign-finance illegalities.

You've been served, dickheads. Heh.

- What?
- Who's heading this hearing?

Oh. Congressman Marty Huggins...

...and he's going to go loco
on your gringo asses.

Greedy motherfuckers.

Okay, everyone, please. Okay.

I'd like to remind these gentlemen
why they are here.

You were spending millions of dollars
buying politicians...

...spreading misinformation...

...and influencing legislation
for your personal gain.

- Now, I think the re--
- Marty. You're doing great.

- And I just love being your chief of staff.
- Good.

Unfortunately,
none of these charges are illegal.

Uh, that's correct, congressman.

The Citizens United ruling
made that abundantly clear.

Maybe I can't get you on the corruption
of elections, but I can get you on this:

I can--

It's a coupon to Chick-fil-A.
It's a coupon to Chick-fil-A.

Aiding and abetting
a known international fugitive.

This is Tim Wattley,
a.k.a. Leonidis Stavros...

...a.k.a. the Greek Butcher...

...a.k.a. the Greek Baker...

...a.k.a. the Greek Candlestick Maker...

...a.k.a. Dermot Mulroney...

...a.k.a. Osama Getting-Laiden.

Gentlemen, these are federal offenses.

My brother is responsible for this.
I've never heard of Mr. Wattley in my life.

Boom.

- You're under arrest.
- I've never seen him before.

- It's a mess.
- Whoo!

I put you in that chair. I can get you out.

- This is a sham.
- Are you kidding?

- We make every decision together.
- This is all you.