The Breaker Upperers (2018) - full transcript

For the right price, BFFs Jen and Mel will ruthlessly end any romance. But when one grows a conscience, it threatens to derail their relationship.

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[clock ticking]

[woman sobbing]

[woman sobbing uncontrollably]

[slurping loudly]

[woman continues to sob]

Er... Oh.

[woman continues to sob]

[woman wailing in despair]

[mouths]

Now, we didn't find Brendan, but we...

We did find this.



It was down at the dock.

[woman sobbing and wailing]

That's his!

Yep.

Oh, my God.

Okay. Well, we'd better head back to HQ.

We've got a very busy day planned.

Yeah, fighting crime and whatnot, so...

Shall I? Shouldn't leave that
half-eaten. Should I...

- Take that, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Wait.

What? But...

So what do I do now?

Well, what you don't do
is call the office.



Yeah, it's getting pretty
stressy down there,

so I wouldn't bother.

Here's our direct line.

Nice to meet you, Annie.

Anna.

Cool.

Congratulations, Brendan.
You're a free man. Get down.

- You're taking me to the airport, right?
- I'm not a taxi service.

- But...
- Get out, man!

- Get out.
- Out!

Bye, dickhead!

- Hello. Breaker Upperers.
- Hello. Breaker Upperers.

You wanna be single by March?

Consider it done.

I've had it up to... I've had it
past here, I've had it up to here.

Just because we got gay marriage
doesn't mean we need to...

follow through, you know?

I didn't vote for it.

- Will you support this marriage?
- [guests] We will!

- We will not!
- [gasps]

You weren't gay eight months ago, Russell!

It's simple, really.

What we do is we take
unhappy couples such as yourself

and consciously, forcibly
and irreversibly uncouple you.

Whoa.

What the hell, David?

After the job is done, you don't know us,
we don't know you.

- Thank you so much.
- You're a free man, David.

Sarah, I think we need
to talk about Jarrod.

The spark has gone. We used to play
"refugee trying to find asylum."

I'd be the refugee, obviously,

and she'd be a sexy UN case manager.

We don't do that any more.

- [continuous beep]
- [woman sobbing]

I want whips, I want chains.
I want A Hundred Shades of Grey.

He's not even one.

'Cause women are scary. I mean,
they say they're the fairer sex.

Sure, if you go around with the devil.

Why are you doing this, Sharon?

Get away from me, evil woman!

I've even entered a relationship
with my neighbour Raewyn.

I moved in with her for three months.

But, you know, he's just
not getting the message.

Kathy!

- [dog barks]
- [blows whistle]

Let's give it another ten minutes
and call it quits?

Kathy!

I want a nice, clean break.
I don't want years of heartache

and stalking and therapy
and possible violence.

[shouting aggressively]

- I've been shot!
- [toy recording of gunfire]

It wouldn't take much...

to knock the old bugger off.

[both] We don't kill people.

We're not breaking any laws, Joseph.

We're simply guiding two souls
towards inevitability.

[tires screech]

Go!

I will shoot your faces.

Go!

Thank you.

- That's good.
- That's really good.

It's mine!

[both laughing]

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

[woman] Yeah, he's saying
that he didn't appreciate

you talking to your friends
about his vasectomy.

But... No...

No, I'm not saying you
shouldn't talk to your friends.

No. That's not what I'm saying.

I think you should talk to your friends.
I think it's good to...

talk to your friends
about your emotional state...

I'm actually just reading
from a piece of paper, but...

Lady, he doesn't
wanna be with you anymore,

so suck it up and move on.

Yep.

OK. What I would suggest is popping down
to your local stationery store,

buying yourself a journal and write
some tear-jerking diary entries.

Thank you for your call.

[disconnected tone]

- You are so good at that.
- Just gotta find the fun in it, you know?

[door opens]

We order a courier?

Hi. Sorry. I'm Jordan. I've got
an appointment with you guys.

Oh, sorry, Jordan. I was expecting
someone older and whiter.

I thought you were white.
Doesn't matter, though.

I don't see color.

I mean, I do see color.
There's nothing wrong with my vision.

Come in. Have a seat.

That's Jodie, our intern.
You can just ignore her.

I'm Jen and this is Mel.

- Hey, Mel.
- Hi.

Shower in a can.

- So...
- Mel, is that short for Melon?

- Melanie.
- French?

I don't think so.

- Really?
- Maybe.

Anything else you guys wanna catch up on?
Favourite food? Music? Movies?

Yeah.

So, what's your favourite food,
music and movies?

Lasagna, hip-hop
and The Last Of The Mohicans.

You don't listen to hip-hop.

Yeah, I do, and I've got a CD of it.

So, Jordan, how can we help?

I wanna break up with my missus, miss.

Okay. And how long have you and
your missus been together?

- Since high school, miss.
- You don't have to call me miss.

- Just call me Jen.
- Okay, miss.

And have you attempted breaking up
with her before, Jordan?

Yeah, a couple of times.

See here, I sent her broken hearts
and crying faces,

which obviously
represents sadness and heartbreak.

And then she sent this back.

[recorded voice] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

And I just couldn't go through with it.

Well, we could do a phone call,
spell it out.

Yeah, I don't think that'll work.
She's very delicate.

Delicate like a delicate flower,

but very persuasive like a persuasive...

flower.

Okay. Well, maybe we could
do something in person.

We could do the Other Woman package.

I could pretend to be your girlfriend.

Sorry, Jen, I don't mean to offend you,

but it's more that there's a natural
chemistry between Melon and I.

She's 35.

- 36, actually.
- No, you're lying.

You're not.

Your skin's amazing.

- What product do you use?
- Just...

Okay, fine. Well, it's $500 up front
and $500 at the end of the job.

Do you think this is something
that you could afford?

[snorts] Easy. Chump change.

[sighs]

Yeah. You like that?

Yeah, it's all right.

- Are you bored?
- What? No.

- You seem bored.
- No.

Just thinking about somebody else.

[woman] Come on! Wake up, Mel! Wake up!

Are you a pussy
who hates her life choices?

[Mel] No!

[woman] "My life sucks.

My boyfriend left me
for some fat-arsed bitch

who's great in the kitchen!"

Fire up, Mel!

Fire up!

- Let's get that bra off.
- No, bra stays on.

Bra stays on.

I took my T-shirt off.

[woman] Are you a loser?

You're a pussy!

Loser!

No mates!

Hit me!

[Mel] You keep hitting me!

Can you look at me, please?

Not like that. I like to feel
a connection of some kind.

You're literally inside me.

I mean on a human level.

If you want "human,"
you shouldn't be on Tinder.

If you wanna work out,
you should go to the gym.

I don't like gyms. I don't like people.

Free shot! Go!

[Mel panting and wheezing]

Harder!

Put everything into it
or I'm gonna knee you in the head.

Get up.

Okay.

- Don't go yet.
- I'll go when I want to.

- Don't go yet.
- I'm gonna do it now.

- Dude, I'm starving. Oh...
- [bed squeaking]

[Jen] I'll just be a sec.

Wait. No!

Not yet! Aargh!

[Jen groans]

[Mel vocalizing indistinctly]

I'm not wearing any undies.

- Come on. Guess the singer. Go on.
- [vocalizes indistinctly]

Prince.

- No.
- Kermit.

- No!
- I give up.

- It's Celine Dion.
- You sound like a seal being strangled.

- [message alert]
- She sounds like that. I love her.

Hey, that Tuesday job's been confirmed.
Good.

Man, I hate doing missing person jobs.

Yeah, they pay the best.

Yeah, but they cry all the time,
and doesn't that lady have kids?

I don't know. Okay. My turn.

[animalistic grunting]

What the fuck is that?

It's a seal.

It's Guess the Singer.

The game is called Guess the Singer,
not Guess the Animal.

Okay. Seal, the singer.

Butterfly kick!

Have you washed these?

No. Why would I?

- I've only worn them once today.
- Oh, God.

- [buzzing]
- Hey!

Food time! Hurry up!

No. Don't go on the lawns.
Dad just did them.

Okay.

Wow. Your mum's got some new... art.

Oh, my God...

[Mel] Whoa!

I forgot you had a perm.

I thought about making a curry
and then I thought,

"Oh, God, no. I'm still a novice
in that department."

So I got Sarina, our cleaner, to make it.

Mel hates curry.

- No.
- But I thought you were Indian.

I'm half Indian and half Irish.

[Indian/Irish accent] I'm a curry potato.

White people love that joke.

I don't understand
why you would blow up a photo

of my ex-boyfriend,
print it on corrugated iron

and stick it to your wall.

Oh, here we go.

Because it is art, Jennifer.

It's Kiwiana, which is very de rigueur.

- Don't use that accent, mum.
- It's the correct accent.

- I really liked it, Shoz.
- Merci beaucoup.

I'm, like, 24 in that photo.
Why don't you blow up a photo of Stan

with that bung-eyed chick he took
to the high school social and put that up?

Because Stan is married
with three children now.

If you get a new partner,
that's fine.

Give me a photo.
I'll bung it up on the wall.

Why do you have to have
a photo of me with a man?

Why can't you just have a photo
of me in front of a building

or a tree?

Because I don't want to feel sad

every time that I walk up
and down my own hallway.

Christ, Jennifer, you're 40.

When are you going to
start making an effort?

Look, Jennifer, I think
your mother's just worried

that time might be running out.

- For what?
- For you to become a mother.

[Stan] Kids are pretty great.

You hate your kids.

No. It's... One of them.

Jennifer, all I'm saying
is there are many options

for you and Mel to start a family. What?

Just because I don't have a boyfriend
does not mean I am gay.

I'm just saying you already live together.
You might want to consider it.

I'm not sure it's something
you can actually consider, Shoz.

I think it's more like something
you're born with, like...

Like a genetic mutation,

like X-Men,

but, like, in vaginas.

Like, boom!

Vulvarine!

We think it would be nice

if Stan donated some of his sperm

so that you could start a family...

- What?
- That's incest, Mum!

No. Not if he inserts it into Mel.

- I've gotta go to the bathroom.
- Yeah, I've gotta check a thing...

Me too, have to check the thing, so...

[toilet flushing]

You reek of sex.

Yeah, you reek of not getting any.

[sniffs]

[pained groan]
Christ! That shit is horrible!

- Tastes like air freshener!
- Aargh!

[Shona] Jennifer, you'd better not be
partaking in my cocaine.

Jesus Christ, Mum, what is this shit?
Ajax? Where did you get it?

[Shona] I don't know.
Graham, where did you get the cocaine?

Oh, no!

I don't want my septum to fall out.

Why keep doing it
if it hurts your face so much?

Because I hate my life! [sniffs]
Aargh!

[Shona] Graham says he hasn't bought
any cocaine, so that will be Ajax.

Oh, my God!

Now is probably not the best time
to tell you this, but...

Joe's back.

How do you know?

I sold him a house.

You sold him a house
and you didn't tell me?

Or me?

Or her, but more importantly, me!

Well, maybe equally as important, me?

Jen, please, don't freak out.

Not freaking out.

I'm cool. I'm fine.

You're bleeding from the nose.

Oh, shit.

Jen.

Jen?

What's happening?

I don't...

She's having a flashback?

- Mwah!
- Call me if you get a chance.

- Well, I'm out on the rig, so...
- I know, but if you get a chance.

- I will.
- I will if I get a chance, Jen.

You just stay out of trouble, you, okay?

[romantic song playing in Japanese]

- Okay. See ya.
- Yep.

Aah!

I love you.

Welcome home, sex bag.

My gum.

Come on.

Go, baby, go.

[Mel] Man, Joe was a cocksucker.

[Jen] Total cocksucker.

[Mel] Grandmaster cocksucker.

Not in a good way.

Maybe I should go gay.

Man, you bang a lot of dudes.

Yes, I do.

How many dudes have you banged?

More dudes than I have women, just.

But the women I did bang,
I banged them more often

so not sure how that works out.

Mm-hmm.

- Do I talk about being bi too much?
- You talk too much.

[Mel] Hey, lady!

Hey, I wouldn't walk down this way.

There's a couple of creepy dudes
back there.

I'd stick to the street, I reckon.
The well lit street.

[woman] Okay. Thank you.

[Mel] No worries. Nice doggie.

Do you find Kristen Stewart hot?

Who's Kristen Stewart?

No. You're not gay.

Okay. What did you think about that, then?

- Yeah, I didn't mind it, but...
- Nah.

It felt a bit unnatural.

Yeah. I didn't get anything
happening down there at all.

- I don't feel like I need to do it again.
- No activation. Not a throb.

- Not one.
- Okay, don't go on about it.

- Not one slither of...
- Okay, don't go on about it.

- Not one...
- Don't. Enough.

Droplet of...

[Jen] Enough.

[Mel] Not a droplet.

[Jen] Do you think
Joe's still a cocksucker?

[man] So, yeah, just put that...

[laughs]

- Thought you were taking me out to lunch.
- What?

Have that.

[Stan] Can we please go?

[Jen] No, I wanna watch him
for a couple of minutes.

Please, okay? It's not all about you.

You're sick. You know that. You need help.

He treated you like shit.

He just bought you jewellery
and clothes the whole time.

- He totally objectified you.
- Yeah, I liked it.

- Is he married?
- Yep.

- Children?
- Yeah. Three.

Three!

[Stan] Sarah, Michelle and Danny.

[Jen]
Okay, I don't need to know their names.

Did he ask about me?

[Stan] I've gotta go.
I've gotta get back to the office.

Hey, stay low.

- [whistle blows]
- [cheering]

[instrumental hip-hop music playing]

The kid's text says: "GF...",
which I assume means girlfriend,

"...is standing by the subs".

What's "subs"?

Subs is the substitutes.
The players not on the field.

[music slows and distorts]

Have you spotted her yet?

[music slows further]

[echoing] Mel.

Mel.

Hot.

- What?
- What?

- Sepa.
- Jordan.

No, the girlfriend.
Have you spotted her yet?

[woman] Smash 'em, babe.

Go, Jordan!

Fuck 'em up, baby. Fuck 'em up.

Ooh!

Okay, braids.
Twelve o'clock.

[woman] That's the way!

Shut 'em down!

Put 'em on the ground!

I would not describe that
as a delicate flower, Jordan.

Okay.

Hey, Mel.
You look different.

But you look nice, though.
You look nice.

I like it.

It's just a costume.

Did you see any of the game?
I got a try. Did you see it?

I signed your name.

[chants] M-E-L-O-N.

Melon! E!

Hey, you know that when we do the job

that I have to do all the talking?
Remember?

Yeah, of course.

But before you do do the job,

can I please say one thing?

- Okay.
- Well, we're all animals, right?

Well, in the animal kingdom,
there are no rules.

So if a...

lion and a panda bear wanna make love,
they just...

The magic just happens.
They let it happen.

People may frown upon it,
but to the lion and the panda bear,

it's all natural.
It's chemicals, Mel.

And...

Melon...

I know you feel the chemicals too.

...the fuck, Jordan?

Is this the bitch you've been
secretly texting?

This better be a fucking joke.

- This better be Candid Camera.
- That hasn't been a show since the '90s.

I don't even know how
you know that ref...

Do not talk to me, white girl.

- Okay, I'm not white...
- Sepa, babe.

I didn't mean to do this.
I didn't mean to fall in love.

The heart just goes where the heart goes.

No harsh feelings?

[Sepa] What the fuck is going on, Jordan?

- I can tell you.
- Well...

Well, this is Mel and we are in love.

- We are in love.
- Hang on a second.

Oh! Are you telling me
that you're leaving this...

this fine piece of Maori, Samoan, German,
Jewish, Tokelauan arse

for this ugly old curry-muncher slut?

- Okay, you called me white before...
- Hey, don't you dare talk to her like...

Oh shit! Don't push her!

I don't want anything
to happen to her in her condition.

What... [whispers] What the fuck?

[whispers] Go with it.

Tell her, honey. Tell her.

- I...
- She's pregnant.

It's twins.

...the fuck?

We did IVF
'cause her eggs are a bit older.

Are you telling me that you didn't even

accidentally knock up
this old bag of shit,

but you got your jizz,

and you put it
in a little fucking petri dish,

and you made it swim around
her little raisiny eggs

until they fertilized
and then you syringed them

back up her wrinkly grey-pubed twat?

- You don't know that my pubes are grey.
- Yeah, we did exactly that.

And we're moving to the Gold Coast too,

'cause I got a million-dollar contract
with the Titans.

- [all chuckle]
- The Titans.

Pull it back.

Is this some, like, MTV Punk'd-type shit?

What about everything
we've been through together?

All the times that I drove you to rugby?
All the times that I read you

Harry Potter one, two, three, four, five,
six, seven because of your bad dyslexia?

All the times that we played
Dragon Ball Z?

Ka-me-ha-me...

ha.

Does that mean nothing to you?

Babe, I've been trying to break up
with you for the past couple of months.

That emoji text?

How the hell was I supposed
to understand your emoji text?

I agree. That could have been
quite confusing.

Who the fuck are you?

This is my mum.

That is not your mum.

I know your mum.
She's not a white bitch. She's Maori.

That's racist.

Don't you talk to me about color or race,

you colonializing bitches!

Okay, what Jordan is trying to say
is that he no longer wants to be

in a relationship with you.

So my suggestion is you take
that information like a woman.

We shake hands, say our goodbyes,

and we walk away with our
integrity and our faces intact.

What do you say?

You'd better run!

You better run for your life!

She punched me.

[speech slowed and distorted]

[Mel] Holy crap! Run!

Jordan, I told you
to let me do the talking!

Get her!

Shit! Drive! Go!

[woman] Open the door!

What the fuck, Mel?

- It's not my fault that he went rogue!
- Guys, talk to me, not about me.

If it's not your fault, whose fault is it?
This is a $200 skirt, Mel.

I don't know why you spent that
on that skirt anyway.

[repeatedly toots horn]

Jen, it's a stop sign!

Okay? Everyone has to stop at a stop sign.
That's why it says "stop."

Okay. Let's all take a deep breath.

[inhales and exhales deeply]

And we'll talk about this like adults.

Oh, also, can you take me
to Mangere, please?

I ran out of credit,
so I can't text my mum.

Okay, fuck this. I'm getting a cab.

- Jen...
- See you at home.

What? Jen, come on.

Jen!

Hey, I'm sorry
I messed up back there, Melon.

I just...

had to speak my truth,

which in this case was all lies,

but all of these emoticons
just flowed up inside of me.

You do that to me, Melon.

Like, you make me feel
all these emoticons and it just...

makes me wanna...

[grunts]

Makes you wanna what?

[grunts]

All I am saying is mixing with
clients is gonna get messy.

And don't forget
our number one rule - DFTC.

What's DFTC?

DFTC: don't fuck the client.
That's a new rule.

Why do we need a new rule?

I don't know. You know,
to keep ourselves safe.

- From what?
- From complications, STls.

I don't know, Mel.

- Shit, what's her name again?
- Sheree.

[country and western style]
♪ Sheree don't wanna ♪

♪ Be with you no more ♪

♪ Sheree don't wanna be with you no more ♪

♪ Sheree don't wanna be with you no more ♪

♪ I'm sorry, Jeff, it's over ♪

[blows harmonica]

I just don't think we should do any more
jobs with horny teenagers, you know?

What?

[Mel] You know, I can't help
that people are drawn to me.

- [Jen] No, you can't.
- Like cats.

I'm allergic to them, but does that stop
them from coming up to...

It's not like...
I don't put any vibe out to cats.

Cats are just like, "Mmm!"

I'm a real pussy magnet.

I just don't have a good feeling about it.
Call it women's intuition, okay?

Constable Woods?

Annie.

- Anna.
- Anna.

Anna...

You remember Constable Glen, right?

Jen Glen? You introduced
yourself as Constable Green.

Yeah. It's my maiden name.

Yeah, all of her family have
names that rhyme with Glen.

So her mum's name is Gwen,
brother is Ben, and dad is...

Glen.

Glen Glen.

Yeah.

Ooh! I forgot to give him
that birthday present.

He's gonna be so mad at me.

- He wanted fishing stuff.
- Yeah.

Maybe we should head down
to the fishing tackle...

- Hey, how are you?
- ...shop.

[sobs]

Fine, yeah.

I've been putting up some flyers.

But I'm not well, to be honest.
I have vulvovaginitis.

Oh, it sounds fancy, but it's just
a commonplace yeast infection.

The doctor thinks it's grief related.

I have to wear maxi pads,
so I had to throw out my handbag.

But I've got this reusable
shopping bag so that I can fit them.

It's good for the environment.

It was nice to bump into you, but...

I've been trying to get a hold of you.
Is there any news?

[both] Um...

- Not yet.
- Nothing?

I've just been waiting.
I haven't heard anything either.

I haven't got any friends. Brendan was it.

I really wanted a baby.

But then I was diagnosed
with severe endometriosis,

so the universe kind of took it
out of my hands, that decision.

It's okay. It's fine. Have you been
to hospital? I quite like it.

People there.

At any time, I could just press a button,

and then someone will come
in the door and go, "How are you?"

I mean, I've had a deep sense
of loneliness since I was a child.

Oh, my God!

You guys have each other, which is...
Must be really great. Is that good?

What's that like?

[sobs]

I'm so sorry.

The Crayfish Orgy.

[sobs uncontrollably]

- Bon appétit.
- Merci.

Anna.

Would some seafood
cheer you up a little bit?

- Me?
- Yeah. Me, I see food, I eat it.

Why don't you just hang out
with us for a bit?

[synth music plays]

Woo!

Shamone!

- Drinking is good.
- Oh!

I still feel dead inside but it's like
the more I drink,

the more I forget how dead I feel.

- Yeah.
- That's why we do it.

- Do you guys have husbands?
- No.

I was a practising bisexual.

- Yeah.
- Are you a bisexual, Jen?

- Uh-uh.
- But I'm kind of celibate now.

- Celibate?
- Yeah.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah. Me and Jen made a pact.

- Well, it wasn't a pact.
- Yeah, it was a pact.

Emotional attachment
is just, like, not our thing.

But it's not sad, 'cause I have a very...

I have a very extensive wank bank.

What's a wank bank?

- You've never heard of a wank bank?
- No.

Okay. It's like a bank in your mind

of, like, images of people

that get you off.

Like, I just think of

old Bruce Springsteen running on a beach.

Whoo!

Got some activation down there, you know.
You just scan anyone, scan a room.

I mean, maybe there's consensual
issues there, but anyway...

You look at them. They don't even know.
And you're just like, "You're in."

- You're in.
- You guys are in.

- You're in.
- You're in.

- They don't even know.
- No.

Really. Because who knows how to
fuck yourself better than yourself?

- Am I right?
- Yes!

Yeah!

Do you have a wank bank, Jen?

No. I live in reality. I just bang dudes.

- Another round.
- Yes. More tequila.

- What?
- These are terrible.

- Check that out.
- I don't know.

He does capoeira.

Is it fighting or is it dancing?

She asked if I'd help put some up.

What did you say?

I said, "Yeah."

Are you insane?

Brendan is not missing,
and we don't want anyone to find him.

But that's what friends do.
Friends help each other out...

- You're not friends. She's pathetic.
- [chanting at bar]

Yeah!

Number one...

in the wank bank.

Come on. You were exactly
the same when Joe left.

[scoffs]

- What?
- I'm just being nice, Jen, you know?

I'm going to the bathroom
and then we are leaving.

- I got one.
- ♪ Ayyy-oh! ♪

♪ Ayyy-oh! ♪

♪ Daylight come ♪

♪ And me wanna go home ♪

[man over PA] Hey, you horny hens!
All aboard the party bus.

We're about to burn it down!

[pounding dance music playing]

([woman singing "Blue" by Eiffel 65)

What the fuck?

♪ A-ba-dee, a-ba-di ♪

[cheering]

Thank you. Mel!
Mel, I put this one on for you!

Oh, my God. Celine Dion,
she's my favourite.

How did you know that?

- There's some brains in my dicks.
- [chanting] Mel!

Come on!

♪ There were nights
When the wind was so cold ♪

Do you want to come to my wedding?
It's going to be so fun.

What? No.

♪ If I just listened to it
Right outside the window ♪

♪ I finished crying
In the instant that you left ♪

♪ And I can't remember
When or where or how ♪

♪ And I banished every memory
You and I had ever made ♪

♪ But when you touch me like this ♪

♪ And I hold you like that ♪

♪ It's so hard to believe ♪

♪ But it's all coming back to me ♪

♪ It's all coming back
It's all coming back to me now ♪

♪ There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light ♪

♪ There were things I'd never do again ♪

♪ But then they'd always seemed right ♪

♪ There were nights of endless pleasure ♪

♪ It was more than any laws allow ♪

♪ Baby, baby, if I kiss you like this ♪

♪ And if you whisper like that ♪

♪ It was dead long ago ♪

♪ But it's all coming back to me ♪

♪ It's so hard to resist ♪

♪ And it's all coming back to me ♪

♪ I can barely recall ♪

♪ But it's all coming back to me now ♪

♪ If you forgive me all this ♪

♪ If I forgive you all that ♪

♪ We forgive and forget ♪

♪ And it's all coming back to me now ♪

♪ And if you touch me like that ♪

♪ And if we... ♪

[cheering]

Bravo, Mel!

- Can you smell bacon?
- [high-pitched beeping]

Is my hair gonna fall off?

[sobs]

[woman] Mel!

She'll be fine. Come on. Let's go.

- [Anna] I don't...
- [woman] Mel!

Okay. So you're Constable Wood,
and I'm Constable Glen.

No. Just Constable Green.
Just stick with that.

Okay. Well, okay.

So thingummy went for a walk
in the bush and hasn't returned.

What's...

- What's her name?
- Trudy.

- Trudy.
- Trudy Stallone.

Whoa!

- Just gonna...
- What are we doing? Why are we here?

...make sure that Anna is okay.

- Are you crazy?
- Yep.

- Fine. Just be back in a sec.
- Mel, just leave her alone.

- No.
- Mel, we don't do follow-up care!

- Mel?
- Hey.

Just wanted to check that
your head was all right.

Oh... it's just a bit scorched, but fine.

Not as bad as the pole burn.

I looked for you.

I was a bit concussed.
I couldn't find you, you probably...

Yeah, Jen...

What a drag. She wanted to get home.
I was having a great time.

Would you like to come in?

I've got vodka.

- Nah. I better not.
- I don't think I should be here alone.

I used to have a cat,

but it died.

I think.

I can't find it.

You know what? I don't...

I was just doing a routine check, really.

You know, just procedure and so on
and so forth and henceforth.

I should probably
get back to the station.

Can I come?

Huh?

If I start crying, you won't even notice,
I promise.

[sobs quietly]

See?

It's barely audible.

Er...

I'll just get my vodka.

[door closes]

Hi, Jen Glen.

Fuck.

[starts engine]

[whispers] What?

She looked like
she was going to kill herself.

- Did she say that?
- No. But I was picking up a vibe.

She looked like she was gonna
do something to herself.

Is this your work car?

Yeah. We just...
We do a lot of undercover stuff.

Oh, erm...

Yeah, we just actually busted
a big drugs case.

We confiscated that. We were trying
to lock up that bong for a long time.

That was a big win for us,
wasn't it, Constable Glen?

Huge win.

Now, where is that police station?

It's just up here on the right, isn't it?

Yep. So, this is the police station.
We've got a couple of cops out the front,

we've got a couple of palm trees,
we've got a rubbish bin at the entrance.

But we're actually heading
back out on the beat today...

I'd love to look at Brendan's file,
just quickly.

Anna, no. We shouldn't...

At least let me go first,
'cause I've got the swipey.

Yeah. So we've got a reception area,
we've got some disabled toilets,

we've got a bell, we've got these guys.
Hey, Jill.

But nothing really much to see,
so we'll probably just head...

Actually,
why don't we check out the hallway?

So, which one is your office?

Um...

It's just down here, actually.

If we go up...

It's back. What am I thinking?

It's just like
a bloody rabbit warren in here.

Hey, Tony.

- That's Officer Tony.
- Yeah, Dirty Tony.

Fingered me at the office Christmas party
last year twice.

Here we are...

Hi, guys.

Don't recognize those guys.
They must be new.

Yeah. Here we are.

The office.

Have a seat.
It'll be a bit boring for you, sorry.

Just paperwork.

Hmm.

How boring.

Can I see Brendan's file now?

Yeah.

Constable Glen, do you want to get
Brendan's file for Anna?

Yeah.

Brendan's file. It's called Lock Docs,

but it's just a code... name.

[door opens]

What's going on?
Who the hell are you guys?

- Constable Wood, Jen. I'm Glen.
- Glen... Green.

- Just here from the...
- Wood.

- The...
- Yeah.

- What's with those uniforms?
- We're from Mosgiel.

South Island.

Under-resourced.
It's a funding kind of thing.

Are you guys strippers? Did Dirty Tony
organize this for my birthday?

Yes.

Yes!

Get the music.

Are you in it too?

["Giddy Up" by TT The Artist playing}

♪ What? What? What? ♪

♪ What? What? What? ♪

♪ Junk in my trunk
Drink in my cup ♪

♪ Life of the party, giddy up, giddy up ♪

♪ Hair down her back to her thong ♪

♪ She like to shake it, shake it
It's her song ♪

♪ She got a big booty ♪

♪ Got a fat cat ♪

♪ She takes a quick pic
It's a thirst trap ♪

♪ Blue chip, one cut ♪

♪ In the club getting felt up ♪

♪ Bent over, touch your toes ♪

♪ Let me see, how long can you go? ♪

♪ Giddy up, giddy up ♪

♪ Giddy up, giddy up ♪

♪ Giddy up, giddy up ♪

♪ Giddy up, giddy up ♪

♪ Giddy up, giddy up, giddy up, giddy up ♪

♪ I'm-a shake it, shake it ♪

♪ I work hard for this money
So you better treat me right ♪

[music continues]

I think I was getting
the hang of it by the end there.

- Where is he?
- Rio.

- Why didn't he do it?
- He's a coward, like the rest of them.

- How long have you run this scheme?
- It's not a scheme, Anna.

It's a service.
We're service providers.

What you're doing is corrupt.

If by corrupt, you mean,

helping liberate people
from dysfunctional relationships, sure.

You work for weak arseholes
who don't have the guts

to talk to their partners.

Anna, your relationship wasn't working.

How would you know?

Think about it like a big tree
that's blocking out the light.

You could either stand by
and watch that tree die

of natural causes over about 200 years...

- I think you're horrible.
- Yeah, well, I don't like your hair!

Look, I think what Jen is trying to say,
is that, you know, yeah,

this is yucky, you know. It's not ideal.

Brendan was a dick,
and all that sort of stuff.

But, you know, you'll emerge from this
a stronger woman.

And when the next situation comes along,
you'll be able to handle it.

We'd like to think that we've been
a positive part of that transition.

I thought you were my friend.

[Jen sighs]

I am your friend.

No, Mel. Friends don't fuck each other
in the arse.

Some friends do.

Like, I don't know if you're meaning
arse-fucking in a bad way

or a good way. Like, arse-fucking
could be nice for someone,

- when it's consensual.
- Can we go?

You two are disgusting. I don't know
how you sleep at night. I really don't.

[Jen] Great mattress!

Anna!

We are over an hour late for our next job,

and we'll probably have to refund
Brendan the money.

This is the sort of thing that happens
when you take charge, Mel!

You're so mean.

I'm not mean. I'm professional.

- You're heartless.
- You know what? You need to toughen up.

That is a soft knock

- Just soft. Just...
- For fuck's sake.

[buzzing]

Tuck your shirt in.

- Just tuck it In.
- Just...

[all] Surprise!

Oh, sorry. We thought you were Trudy.

Is everything okay?

- No, unfortunately.
- No.

Trudy went for a hike this morning,
and she hasn't returned.

She's officially missing.

[gasps]

Is she?

That's not...

- Wow.
- We have a...

We didn't talk about this before...

A note came through on the RT.

- Not on my RT.
- Maybe yours was off, and...

I don't think so, I definitely heard...

[mimics radio static]

"Coming in, Constable Wood."

What I was just gonna say is that we...

There's a search party
out looking for her,

and we've got 100 of our best men
out there.

Past tense.

They're back. They came back.

No, they came back for lunch...

And they had some interesting findings.

- No, we haven't.
- Yes, we have... found her.

- Yes, we did find her.
- No, we didn't.

- They found a clue...
- They found a corpse.

- ...and we're...
- She's dead!

[gasps]

What?

How?

We're still working it out,
but I think maybe she fell into a crevasse

and just...
died on impact.

Yeah.
Dead O... Impact.

- DOI. She is dead.
- [man gasps]

Is that tough enough for you,
Constable Bitch?

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to... ♪

Where's Mummy?

It's just Daddy now.

[tearfully] Just Daddy.

[sobs]

Maybe someone wants to do
a round of drinks or something.

[car engine starts]

[tires screech]

Mel!

Mel!

[sighs]

[message alert]

["Lay You Down" by Spank playing]

♪ I wanna lay you down ♪

Man, you look really cool in that costume.

Do you want a drink?

Yeah. Do you have any RTDs?

I had chlamydia when I was 18,
but that cleared up.

Cool. I was meaning
ready-to-drink drinks.

RTDs?

Oh...

Yeah, I got heaps of those.

Oh, man!

♪ Oh, look at me ♪

♪ I can touch my feet ♪

♪ Now, baby, turn me around ♪

♪ So you can get it
But look at this pretty brown round ♪

♪ And, baby, ooh ♪

♪ Put it in my neck, my neck, my neck ♪

♪ I wanna lay you down ♪

♪ And give it to you in your neck ♪

You look unhappy, Melon.

♪ I wanna lay you down ♪

♪ And give it to you in your neck ♪

I've been doing
a lot of reflecting lately

on mine and Sepa's relationship

and...

I love her so much, but...

I think the love made me blind...

to the things about her
that were bad for me,

that were making me unhappy.

But... now I'm happy.

And, Melon,

you deserve to be happy, too.

Whoa. Are those natural grey hairs?

- Yeah.
- Man, they're so beautiful.

♪ I wanna lay you down ♪

♪ And give it to you in your neck ♪

Oh, shit. I spilled my RTD.

Fuck the RTD.

- [phone vibrating]
- ♪ That's what she needed ♪

♪ I wanna lay you... ♪

Fuck.

Ooh! Oh, that's a bit vigorous.
That's a bit... Yeah. A bit less.

Yeah, that's better.

Yep. That's good.

Yeah. Split the diff.

Ooh, yeah.

Whoa, are you grey down here too?

- Am I?
- Beautiful.

- Ooh...
- Oh, Mel! What the...

That's my couch!

That is my throw! Why is my throw pink?

I spilled my RTD.

DGA, Mel. The code?

Don't get fucking attached?

Wouldn't that be DGFA, miss?

- Screwing a minor. Go, you.
- How old are you?

- 17.
- Legal.

Eighteen next month. I'm having a party
at Kelly Tarlton's Aquarium.

You should totally come along.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Why do you always talk to me
like I'm 16 years old?

You know what? I can't do this anymore.
I feel... stifled.

I wanna see other people.
I wanna do other things.

Okay, sure. But not on my throw!

You care more about that throw

than you've ever cared about anyone.

And this is coming from someone
who ruined my relationship,

- who stole my boyfriend?
- What?

Joe cheated on both of us, Jen.

I went out with him for three years.

You rooted him for three months,

and you never apologized.

[Jordan whistles]

My bad. Keep going.

A decent human being would've apologized.

Apologize for what?

We didn't even know each other.

Well, should I also apologise
for being the one

that ended up calling you to
tell you Joe was cheating on you?

For letting you sob
on my shoulder every night?

For being a good fucking friend?

You know what?

I have... loved...
meeting Jordan,

and I have loved...
sex with Jordan,

and meeting Anna,
and hanging out with Anna.

You know why? Because they're nice people,
and they make me feel good.

You know what kills me?
You can't stand to see me happy.

And I can't be friends with someone
that doesn't want me to be happy.

But you don't have anybody else.

You know what? I don't wanna be...

in this friendship anymore.

I'm taking off this stupid bracelet!

Okay, fine.
Well, I'm taking my bracelet off.

You give that back to me. Give me it!

This is my bracelet.

- I made that. Gimme that. Gimme my...
- No! I will take my...

I made you that. That's the rules
of friendship bracelets,

you give the bracelet back
when you break the friendship!

And you're...
I'm breaking the friendship.

Fucking tight.

Too tight. Supposed to last forever.
It's not supposed to come off, fuck.

[Jordan sighs contentedly]

This is fun, eh?

Me and my two favoritest women
in the whole wide world right now.

Oh, Mum, can you make us
a Milo when we get home, please?

Cheer up, baby. Mum's gonna make us
a Milo when we get home.

Whoa! Shit!

What?

Been in all of the vaginas in this car.

Buzzy.

♪ You can hate me or love me ♪

♪ Touch me and bug me ♪

♪ Kiss me and hug me ♪

♪ We'll do it all night long ♪

Hey, I've cleared
these drawers out for you.

Where are you gonna put your clothes?

I dunno. A box or something.

Oh, I can take that poster down
if it upsets you or...

if you want to put some
of your posters up, feel free to.

I don't have... posters.

Well, feel free to put some art up,
if you want.

This is your room too now, okay?

This is so cool.

Yep.

Okay, let's run
the lines again, Jodie.

Okay.

Hi, Mr. Johnston.
Why don't you take a seat?

He says, "Blah, blah, blah..."

No, okay, you can't mouth the lines
while I'm saying them.

She's calling him fat, lazy, boring,
not very good in bed any more.

You know? She's saying
that you're weak as well.

And she's telling me that,
his best friend.

"Love.

Dead inside me.

Kua mate."

[wails mournfully]

I don't know why she's calling you fat.

I think you've got a wonderful body,
you know?

Thanks, man.

You make me feel better all the time.

And I want to. I mean, because we're,
you know, we're friends.

[door opens]

What the fuck?

He just treats me as if
I was his personal maid.

I'm just there to cook and keep
the house clean and wash his clothes.

I say, "My name is Emma."
You say?

"My name's Clementine Alfonso."

You can't say Clementine Alfonso.

Why not?

Because it sounds ridiculous.
It sounds made up.

It is made up.

This whole thing is made up, Jen.

[sighs]

[types number]

Hi, it's Jen.

[sighs anxiously]

[woman] Look at her. She's by herself.

[approaching footsteps]

Jen!

- Hi.
- Hello.

Hey, how are you?

- You look good.
- You look good.

- You look really good.
- That takes me back.

You had Botox?

- No.
- You have.

- No, I haven't.
- You have.

- Wow! You look great.
- Thank you.

Yeah.

- So you're back.
- I'm back, yeah.

- And Stan tells me you bought a house?
- Bought a house.

Married?

Yeah. Married, yeah.
Karen. Three kids.

- Three kids?
- Yeah. It's full on.

She a bit of a nag, is she?

- Eh?
- Nothing.

And you? You're...

not married?

Nope. Not me.

- Got a man?
- No.

- A woman?
- No.

I've got nobody.

Thanks so much for coming.

Yeah. It's good to see you.

There is something that I...

I wanted to say, actually.

I love you.

I've always loved you.

Um, you're the love of my life.

[snorts]

Sorry. Are you kidding?

- You're the only man I've ever loved.
- [Joe laughs hysterically]

I'm sorry. That's... Sorry.

I'm sorry. That was just... nervous.

Jen, that was 15 years ago.

We were kids.

I know. But...

I screwed around a lot.

Yeah, well, I know about Mel.

Yeah, there was Mel,

then there was me, Mel and Sharon,

me, Sharon, Raewyn,

me, Raewyn and Juanita.

Hey, I was a dickhead back then.

I've changed.
I coach the school football team.

I led the walking bus this morning.

I don't understand.

It's a whole group of parents get together
and you walk the kids

- to school...
- I understand what a walking bus is.

["Clair de Lune" playing]

I grew up, Jen.

[sighs]

[exhales nervously]

[exhales nervously]

Hi, ma'am.

- I know you're not a cop, Mel.
- Yeah. I know. I just...

Maybe you should get off my property
before I call the actual police.

Fair enough.

Oh, my God!

[Mel retching]

I'm so sorry.

- [retches]
- Oh, I'll get a cloth.

- Sorry about your doormat.
- It's fine.

I came to apologize.

Okay.

Jen and I aren't friends anymore.

I don't really care, Mel.

Fair enough. But...

When me and Jen started
this business, we...

We had the best intentions.

And meeting you reminded me that...

that we hurt people.

And I feel bad about that, and I'm...

I'm sorry, Anna.

Okay.

- Friends?
- I don't think so.

Oh, well, it was worth a shot.

I got in touch with Brendan, by the way.

Speaking to a divorce lawyer on Monday

and I'm getting a second opinion
about my uterus.

Good for you. That's great.

Thank you.

Divorce sucks, but...

I think it's for the best.

I fucking hate capoeira. I mean,
is it fighting or is it dancing?

That's what I say.

- Who are you fighting like that?
- Yeah. Like, the wind?

Friends?

Goodbye, Mel.

- See you around.
- No.

I will see you around.
It's New Zealand, so it's...

Chances are, you know?

The door is that way.

[door closes]

[snorting]

Shit. That's gone right
to the back of my eyes.

Well, it looks like

you've made a string of bad choices
and they're all coming back to bite you.

You're my mother.
You're meant to be cheering me up.

Look, I do want you to know
that we love you, Jen.

We're very proud of everything that
you've achieved in your life so far.

With your high school and...

the one year at university

and the achy-breaky thingummy company.

Thanks, Mum.

I am sorry to hear
about you and Mel, though.

I'm surprised the friendship lasted
as long as it did, actually.

Rightly or wrongly,

we Tweedy women have always prioritized
the men in our lives, haven't we?

[laughs]

Graham!

Graham! I want to make love!

Ew, Mum.

He'll be in the garage watching porn.

Mum!

I better nab him while I can.

Do pop in and say goodbye
before you go, won't you?

I'm not gonna pop in.

- Yes, you are.
- I'm not.

- Yes, you are. Don't be silly.
- I'm not popping in.

[sighs]

Love you.

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ I know I've acted badly ♪

♪ In my life ♪

♪ I took you for granted ♪

♪ That's no lie ♪

- [whistle blows]
- [cheering]

♪ Now I'm facing the future ♪

♪ With a different road ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm working it out now ♪

♪ I just thought you should know ♪

♪ I, I ♪

♪ I, oh, can't believe I'll never... ♪

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine...

- Ten.
- Ten, 11, 12...

♪ Nobody else in my life ♪

♪ No, there's nobody else ♪

♪ Comes within a country mile ♪

♪ And there's nobody else ♪

♪ Nobody else ♪

♪ Nobody else ♪

[sighs]

Anything else?

That's fine. Thanks.

Testicles for dinner again?

Can you tell her
I'm not ready to talk to her

and she can stop stalking me
around the supermarket?

Uh, so your friend said
she doesn't wanna talk to you...

- Yeah. I heard the whole thing. Thank you.
- Okay.

Just need to borrow this
just a little sec.

I'm sorry, it's just for staff.

Sorry. Linda!

We've just found an item belonging
to a Miss Melanie Chandra.

Oh, it's her virginity.

If there is a Miss Melanie Chandra
in the supermarket,

please come and claim
your virginity at customer-

Ow! God!

What are you doing?

I wanna say I'm sorry.

Okay. Go on, then.

- Could you give us a bit of privacy?
- Absolutely not. This is my checkout.

Melanie.

Mel.

Mel.

- Come on.
- I... Yep. I'm getting there.

I... am...

- Melanie, I am...
- I'm sorry.

Okay, just...

give me a minute.

I'm sorry. There. I've said it.

You're not sorry.

Mel, I am sorry.

I miss you.

I'm gonna hug you.

- Are you?
- Yes, I am.

Just pop your arm up there.

Jen, I feel sick.

No, Jen. I feel sick.

Come on, you don't feel sick.

I, like, literally, I feel sick.
Jen, stop. Get... Let go.

- Oh, my God. Get her a bag.
- I'm sorry, do not...

- Just get her a bag or something.
- I can't, she's not buying anything.

Get her a bag!
She's gonna vomit!

Shush. I'm fine.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah. I'm fine. I'm just...

- I'm pregnant.
- [gasps]

Oh, whoa, wow!

- Was it planned?
- Can we have a bit of privacy, please?

No.

I know you're gonna say it.

- What am I gonna say?
- I know what you're gonna say.

You're gonna say, "Don't do it.
Don't go through with it. Get rid of it."

No. You know what I'm gonna say?
I'm gonna say that you...

should do whatever you want.

Great.

Because... I'm gonna keep it.

Well, I think that's amazing.
I think, you know, if...

you want a little crying thing
yapping around your heels,

- giving you saggy boobs...
- See?

- ...draining your resources...
- It does.

I'm serious.
Yay, yippity yay for you

and the baby, and the... the kid.
I assume you're having it...

- The kid's the father, right?
- Sorry, kid?

He's not a kid.
He's just a younger man.

Oh, sick!

- A lot younger.
- Disgusting.

- He's 18.
- Oh, legal.

So, you and... Jordan?

That's... You guys are doing it together?

- Yeah. He's the dad, so...
- Yeah. Cool.

- How else would I...?
- Great.

Don't get involved.

No. Not me.

I've got to go. I've got to go pick up
Jordan from Rainbow's End.

That is one unhappy woman.

You're also gonna have to pay
for her groceries.

Yeah.

Thank you, ma'am. Have a good day.

[woman] Thank you.

Well, that should be that. All done.

Closed. Sorry, ma'am.

Oh, hell, no.

Can you believe this bitch be up
here in my teller window right now?

You guys do everything together?

- You got some sass, honky.
- What do you want?

I want you to help me
break up Jordan and Mel.

I don't have to help you
with anything, white girl.

All right. I understand that, but...

- You still love him, right?
- Of course I fucking love him.

He's the love of my life,

despite all the revenge fantasy
dreams I've had

of slashing
his beautiful fucking face off.

Why should she help you, bitch?

Because of...

the sisterhood?

[laughs]

The sisterhood? Did she actually say
"the sisterhood" right now?

Of what? The Travelling Pants?

All right.
I know I'm not part of your sisterhood.

But Mel is like a sister to me

and we've got our own little,
tiny sisterhood.

And our sisterhood

needs your sisterhood's help.

You feel me?

[mimics Jen] "You feel me?"

I feel you, girl.

Okay, at least let me buy you
a rum and Coke

and we can have a chat about you
getting your rightful man back.

You girls feel like a drink?

[all] Yes.

[all chanting]

There you go.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Yum.

That is some cold-hearted shit
you guys do. Ice cold.

I wouldn't say ice cold.

I like it.

I think this break has been
really good for me and Jordan.

It's just made me realize
that I really do love him

and maybe I need to show him
more of my Queen B

and less of my Sasha Fierce.

You know?

I have no idea what you're talking about,
but I'm very pleased you're happy to help.

So I'll come up with a plan...

Oh, no.

No offence, Jennifer,
but your guys' last plan sucked.

Well, the plan didn't suck.

The execution of the plan
might have sucked.

Whatever.

If we're gonna do this,

we're gonna do this my way.

You want to know the key
to Jordan's heart?

Not really.

It's the power...

of song...

and dance.

♪ Boo-wup! ♪

♪ Boo-wup, boo-wup! ♪

♪ Ah-ah! ♪

- ♪ Boo... ♪
- No, that's my purse.

Can I just grab my purse back, please?

[mimics drum beat]

♪ Sepa and Jordan for life ♪

♪ Drop ♪

♪ Flow like a mighty river ♪

♪ Girls ♪

[vocalizes hip-hop track]

♪ Get her, Jennifer ♪

♪ Titty pop, titty pop, titty pop ♪

♪ Titty pop, titty pop ♪

[all] ♪ Titty pop, titty pop, titty pop ♪

[hip-hop music playing]

♪ I got big wheels, I won't stop ♪

♪ I'm-a shine so bright
Don't give it up ♪

♪ Got my big-size booty on live ♪

♪ Got this beat, boy, I'll pick you up ♪

[hip-hop music continuing]

[inaudible]

[man] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

- [slurps]
- Coach Fitzsimmons here again.

I want to talk about
one of the members of our club.

Hey, I might go get another fizzy.
You want another fizzy?

Nah. I'm okay.

When he first come to me,
he couldn't tackle to save himself,

so I was like,"Boy, get down low,

and..."

[grunts]

You know? [grunts]

Hey, can I get a mixture of
fizzy raspberry and fizzy cola?

Fizzy raspberry, fizzy cola.

Um, maybe more raspberry
than cola. So like 60/40.

Sixty-forty.

Sixty being the raspberry
and 40 being the cola?

...that this person actually got
a contract with the Gold Coast Titans'...

development squad.

So let's give it up for
Mr. Jordan "Snaky Legs" Marsden.

Come on!
- [cheering]

Awesome opportunity, boy.

I never got it, but good on you.

[man] Woohoo!

Yeah, firstly,
I'd just like to give thanks to Coach

and the team for this.

As some of yous may know,

I'm about to take up the...

the responsibility of a lifetime.

Mel, come on up.

[scattered applause]

Everyone, this is...

this is Melon...

or Mel.

A while back, we played hop-ons.

Well, I did the hopping on

and I ended up planting my seed in her
and now she's pregnant.

[one person clapping]

You don't have to clap.

Yeah.

So, sorry, Coach,

but you might need to call up
those Gold Coast people

and tell them I can't take
that contract right now

'cause I need to be in New Zealand,
taking care of my responsibilities,

'cause in the words of my mum Lisa,

"You fucked up
and I sure as shit ain't paying for it."

Love you, Mum.

Yeah.

[dramatic hip-hop intro plays]

Oh...

- I hear congratulations are in order.
- Thank you.

I'm talking about his Titans offer,
white girl.

Nah, thank you, Sepa.

- What are you doing?
- I've got no idea.

- What are you wearing?
- I've got no idea.

I'm so sorry for the way
I treated you, babe.

I know I come on a bit heavy sometimes,

but I enrolled in a course to tackle
my anger management issues.

Can everyone at the bar
please shut the fuck up?

I've been suspended for a week
'cause I punched my tutor, but...

the point is that I'm working on myself,
you know? And...

it's been really illuminating getting down
to the core of my insecurities.

And what I want you to know
is that you're the one.

You're my man till the end.

My "reed" till I "dee."

Ride till I die.

This one is for you, babe.

♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby ♪

This is our song.

Drop.

♪ I will never find another lover
Sweeter than you ♪

♪ Sweeter than you ♪

♪ And I will never find another lover ♪

♪ More precious than you ♪

♪ More precious than you ♪

♪ Girl, you are close to me
You're like my mother ♪

♪ Close to me
You're like my father ♪

♪ Close to me
You're like my sister ♪

- ♪Close to me... ♪
- That's enough, honky!

♪ You are the only one ♪

♪ My everything ♪

♪ And for you this song I sing ♪

♪ All my life ♪

♪ I've prayed for someone like you ♪

♪ And I thank... ♪

Jordan.

Jordan.

Um...

I don't think we should be together.

What? But I've got to do
right by you, Mel,

especially when the baby
comes in 12 months.

Nine months.

You know how you always say
"the heart goes where the heart goes"?

Yeah, he does say that.

♪ And I thank God that I ♪

♪ That I finally found you ♪

You're really observant, eh, Mel.

Like a... observant...

- Flower?
- Yeah.

Good luck with the baby, eh?

Just LOLs. I'll be there all the way.
I'm the dad.

PS: Remember the Titans.
Congratulations.

Yeah, 'cause I might take up
that contract now, if that's cool?

You should take up the offer.
I think it's a great opportunity.

I'll come visit you on the Gold Coast,
me and the baby.

Yes!

- Yes!
- ♪ And I thank God that I ♪

♪ That I finally found you ♪

♪ All my life ♪

♪ I've prayed for someone like you ♪

♪ And I hope that... ♪

Get away from me, bitch.

♪ Ooh... ♪
Get the fuck away.

♪ Yes, I pray that you do love me ♪

♪ You're all that I ever knew ♪

♪ When you smile... ♪

Look, I know you told me
not to get involved.

But I can't help it. I mean,

getting involved is part
of my personality.

- It's a personality disorder.
- And I do want you to be happy.

- You're my best friend.
- I'm your only friend.

Well, exactly.

Would I be doing this
if I didn't want you to be happy?

No. You're completely humiliating yourself
in front of a roomful of strangers.

I am, aren't I?

I missed you.

I missed you too.

God. What am I doing?
Am I doing the right thing?

- Having the baby?
- Of course you are.

I can help with the baby.

I don't know shit about babies,

but I'm really good at
buying things online

and I can push it around
the park if you want.

That'd be awesome.

Fuck.

- [Jordan gasps]
- I fucking love you, Jordan.

- Wow.
- Should we kiss?

No. Not this again.

You said it repulsed you.

I said I didn't need to do it again,

- but now we've found the moment...
- Hey!

You're still wearing
your friendship bracelet.

- Yep, and I'm making you a new one.
- I appreciate that.

- I appreciate all of this.
- I did it for you.

I appreciate you, mate.

I love you.

But is this completely necessary?

The closeness of your genitalia to mine?

You're gonna keep going, aren't you?

Yeah.

["Pump Up The Jam"
by Technotronic playing]

- What?
- Friendly constable at three o'clock.

♪ Pump up the jam ♪

♪ Pump it up
While your feet are stomping ♪

- ♪ And the jam is pumping ♪
- Oh!

♪ Look at here, the crowd is jumping ♪

- Should we dance?
- Yeah.

You kinda make me feel
like dancing. Let's dance.

Yeah.

♪ 'Cause that's where the party's at
And you find out if you do that ♪

♪ I don't want a place to stay ♪

♪ Get your booty on the floor tonight ♪

♪ Make my day ♪

♪ I don't want a place to stay ♪

♪ Get your booty on the floor tonight ♪

♪ Make my day ♪

♪ Make my day ♪

♪ Make my day ♪

♪ Make my day ♪

♪ Make my day ♪

♪ Yo, pump up the jam ♪

♪ Pump it up
While your feet are stomping ♪

♪ And the jam is pumping ♪

♪ Look at here, the crowd are jumping ♪

- Hello, Maker Upperers.
- Yes, you have called the right number.

Yeah. We do make-ups as
well as break-ups now.

What service were you after?

I want to have as many
partners on the go as possible.

Like tag-team wrestling,
but with intercourse.

Yeah. Good, guys. See?

Sometimes just a change of scene
is all you need to spice it up.

Going straight into the wank bank.

I don't know if he can please her,
but I feel like there is gonna be

someone else out there that you can.

Maybe right in front of you.

Hi, Sarah. Hey, if you're still single,

we've got a lot of lovely
single guys in our database now.

- Fuck off!
- Okay.

Does this mean I start getting paid?

- Yeah.
- No.

♪ Pump it up, yo, pump it ♪

♪ Pump up the jam, pump it up ♪

♪ Pump it up, yo, pump it ♪

♪ Pump up the jam, pump it ♪

♪ Pump it up, yo, pump it ♪

[snores]

Hello, Mr. Johnston,
I'm Nurse Clementine Alfonso.

Hello, Mr. Johnston,
I'm Nurse Clementine Alfonso.

Hello, Mr. Johnston,
I'm Nurse Clementine Alfonso.

Anna!

Hey!

Hi!

- Check this out.
- Oh, my God!

- Little Nemo.
- Nemo? Found him!

Jordan Marsden scores
in the corner. The crowd goes wild.

N-E-M-O!

Nemo!

If there was just somebody out there

who would gel with both of us,
it could work.

I don't know who that person is, but...

So now, it is my very great pleasure

to pronounce you husband and husband.

You may kiss your husband.

[applause]

This would never have happened
without you guys.

I know.

["A Love Song" by Ladyhawke playing]

♪ It all began innocent as love can be ♪

♪ In every word, you gave it all to me ♪

♪ 'Cause this is what
a love song sounds like ♪

♪ Another life
Two beating hearts are mine ♪

♪ The party's over
But you're still over the line ♪

♪ 'Cause this is what
A love song sounds like ♪

♪ This could be my life
But it's only words ♪

♪ To make me feel right
When the meaning's blurred ♪

♪ You've opened my eyes
To the oldest tale of time ♪

♪ This is what a love song sounds like ♪

♪ This could be my life
But it's only words ♪

♪ To make me feel right
When the meaning's blurred ♪

♪ You've opened my eyes
To the oldest tale of time ♪

♪ This is what a love song
Love song sounds like ♪

♪ I'm falling down
Too much to drink again ♪

♪ You pull me up
And tell me how it could end ♪

♪ This is what a love song sounds like ♪

♪ I gave it up
I don't want to hurt anymore ♪

♪ It wasn't me
Why can't you just open the door? ♪

♪ This is what a love song sounds like ♪

♪ This could be my life
But it's only words ♪

♪ To make me feel right
When the meaning's blurred ♪

♪ You've opened my eyes
To the oldest tale of time ♪

♪ This is what a love song sounds like ♪

♪ This could be my life
But it's only words ♪

♪ To make me feel right
When the meaning's blurred ♪

♪ You've opened my eyes
To the oldest tale of time ♪

♪ This is what a love song
Love song sounds like ♪

♪ Life is always meant to replay ♪

♪ No heartbreak, no more today ♪

♪ This could be my life
But it's only words ♪

♪ To make me feel right
When the meaning's blurred ♪

♪ You've opened my eyes
To the oldest tale of time ♪

♪ This is what a love song sounds like ♪

♪ This could be my life
But it's only words ♪

♪ To make me feel right
When the meaning's blurred ♪

♪ You've opened my eyes
To the oldest tale of time ♪

♪ This is what a love song
Love song sounds like ♪

♪ You've got me going round and round ♪

♪ You've got me thinking out loud ♪

♪ Right now, we gotta get into... ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ What you gonna do now? ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Where you gonna go now? ♪

♪ Now, now ♪

It's not great, but it is not bad.

You just got some cotton and...

Just twisted it around. Yeah.

That's not really a...

I'll show you.