The Break-Up Artist (2009) - full transcript

[upbeat music]

[kids chattering and laughing]

♪ It doesn't matter
who you are ♪

♪ I wish upon a shooting star ♪

♪ That you will be the one ♪

♪ Who comes to rescue me ♪

- "I love you", the
most powerful phrase
we utter as humans.

We hear it at every
stage of life,

and it always turns us
into kids again, wild,

playful and with limited
control of our bodily functions.

Love is a many splendored
thing. Love conquers all.



Love is eternal until it ends.

And that is where I come in.

- Being in love is the bestest,
even better than recess.

I love love.

My parents said they found
love in the back of a car

and it helped create me.

Hi, Tyler. You look, like,
hotter than Zach Morris today.

I made you this.

- Wow, Britney. Thanks.

I'm dumping you.
Heard you got cooties.

- Britney has cooties!

Britney has cooties!
Britney has cooties!

- Nuh-uh. I was gonna
dump him anyways.

Britney has cooties!



Britney has cooties!
Britney has cooties!

Britney has cooties!

Um, sorry. It's really catchy.

Love blows!

- Love, blows.

You're a great person,

but this relationship
just isn't working out.

It's time to move on, for you,

for me, for us.

Sweetie, don't cry.
This isn't good-bye.

Okay? It's hello, hello
to a new friendship.

- Wait. Who are you again?

- I'm Britney.

Your ex-boyfriend, Sean,
hired me to dump you.

- Oh, no.

- It's nothing personal.
It's, It's what I do.

I'm Britney Brooks,
the break-up artist.

But seriously, I mean, you
met him on a reality TV show.

You were doomed from day one.

[crying]

- So how'd it go?

- She was a stage-three
crier, Robyn.

I think I got tear
stains on my Manolos.

Ohh. Okay, your next
client's name is Linda.

She needs to break up
with her boyfriend.

She can't stand being in
the same room with him.

Gary's just, He's
full of hot air.

He's a liar, huh?

No, no. He farts a
lot, and it's nasty.

Oh.

Wow. I mean, that was
just so clear and concise.

Even I want to break
up with me now.

Here. Um,

On the back is Dr.
Stein's number.

He's a gastroenterologist.

Why would I need
a stomach doctor?

[woman sobbing]

With your mother?

We're gonna need something
with sprinkles, stat. Okay.

Look, Marissa, I
know that it hurts,

but that's what
I'm here for, okay?

Men think all their past
discrepancies will be forgiven,

with fresh roses or
chocolate nougats.

I like nougat.

No! That's your emotion talking.

All right.

Here's what you need to do.

First, you need to get through

the five emotional stages
of post breakup-dom.

Stage one is denial.

He can't break up with
me because I rock.

Then anger.

That fool, how dare
he deny my rockiness.

Next is bargaining.

Well, you know, maybe if I
did more when we have sex,

he'd realize I rock.

Then depression.

Maybe I don't rock.

And finally, acceptance.

Screw him. I do rock.

Wow, I've never seen someone

go through all the
five stages so quickly.

Honey, you're gonna be fine.

With my mother!

[woman sobbing]

[phone rings]

Splitzville, Incorporated.

When you're done kissing
him, we'll start dissing him.

This is Tiffany.
How can I help? Yes.

And we're also running
a weekly special

on our "It's not you,
it's me" break-up motif.

Never ever wear silk
to a break-up meeting,

especially when
frosting is involved.

Clients looking to end
it all are unpredictable.

I mean, they're actually
thinking with their heart.

What's wrong with that?

The heart is a
"special ed" organ.

It's not supposed to think.

And when you use something
for the wrong purpose,

it usually breaks.

Ooh! Air kisses. Ashes.

Come on, Brit. Ashley
is your sister.

By blood only. She's a
spoiled, shallow brat,

with the metabolism of a
frickin' Russian gymnast.

I mean, her MySpace occupation
is "professional hottie."

[gasps]

Oh. [giggles]

Oh, hey, Brit. We're
going clubbing tonight.

If you stop giving off that
Ellen vibe, you can come.

Why bother?

99% of all relationships end
with someone being dumped.

And of the one percent
who actually get married,

50% end up divorced.

You have a half a
hundredth percent chance

of being in a
loving relationship.

[laughs]

Oh. Forgot. This is
my boyfriend, Mike.

Hi.

Ash's new B.F., huh?

Let me guess, a plastic
surgeon, lawyer, movie producer?

No, I teach art to disadvantaged
kids at the Y.M.C.A.

Actually, you know what?

I just entered my kids
in a mural contest.

The winner gets 250 grand,
which would fund us for a year.

So, if you guys ever
have any interest

in coming to help us paint...

Mm-mmm.

She's so cute, isn't she?

Are you gonna come
club with us, Mike?

No, I'm just here
to drop Ashley off.

I'm not actually
allowed to dance,

because of a medical condition
known as being Caucasian.

I've gotta go, sweetheart.

I miss you already. Um, bye.

Really nice to meet
you guys. See ya.

Wow, Ash, not bad. This one
actually casts a shadow.

You'll be sick of him by Friday.

You're just jealous
'cause a man in my life

doesn't require batteries.

Just once. Come out with us.

- I ended a lot of
relationships today.

Fine.

[hip hop music]

[people chattering]

Uh, you're giving off the

"I'm not into dudes"
vibe again, honey.

No it's the I just paid 11 bucks
for a vodka cranberry vibe.

Brit, these guys are
from that new MTV show

I was telling you about.

They're rich and
available. [laughs]

Before you begin,
you should know

that I don't find either of
you the least bit attractive.

Oh. Okay, that was rude.

No, that was honest.

Rude is trying to set someone up

who doesn't want to be set up.

Come on. Come, come.

Um, these guys aren't drunk
enough to hit on Brit.

Let's scare her up a man.

Chick dancing,
guys? No. I'm not,

Hey, you're hot.

Have I seen you
someplace before?

Yeah. Yeah, you have.

- That's why I don't
go there anymore.

- Yeah, totally!

Yeah.

Hey, where are you
going? Don't be so picky.

Stupid guys. Stupid $11 drinks.

Hi. I'm looking
for Britney Brooks.

Look, the rumors are false.

I'm not looking for
The L Word type action.

I'm so sorry it's late. It's
just, It's my boyfriend.

It's okay. Come on in.

I'm a convenience
store, always open.

Rick is just the
most amazing guy.

I mean, he's so kind and
caring and sensitive.

And his body, it's just sick!

I mean, he does yoga.

His Downward Dog, it's
just, it's just legendary.

I mean, I'm treating
him like dirt right now,

like icky dirt, not
like that fancy,

nutrient-rich dirt that
they sell at Home Depot.

Can't I just break up
with him in person?

It's a bad idea. Look, men
are genetically programmed,

with an ability to convince
us that they can change

when we're just
about to dump them,

that the second chance
will be different

than the 12 others
we've given them.

Listen. As an
independent third party,

I will be completely
immune to all his charms,

pleas and pathetic cries.

I'm the break-up
artist. It's what I do.

Thank you.

[sighs] How do you
handle this business?

I mean, it's gotta
be so depressing

dealing with everyone
else's misery all day.

Strong humans like
me have a duty

to help people who
actually believe in love,

the ones who make tissue
and Prozac a necessity.

Plus, I never take
my work home with me.

You couldn't be anything else?

Oh, you'll see.

I'll be back before
you know it. I hope so.

Oh, my love, I shall miss you
every moment when you're gone.

I love you, sweetheart.

- Hey, come on. All aboard
if you wanna get there.

[gasps] Thank God you're here.

We thought you left with one
of those creepy club guys.

I even watched the
news this morning

to see if they found
your dead body.

Your 1:00 just canceled.

They said they found
another break-up service.

Probably another freelance
dumper. They never last.

You don't mess with the best,
and that's Britney Brooks.

She always talks about
herself in the third person.

Tiffany hates that.

Uh, excuse me. I'm
waiting for someone.

Rick, right? Britney.

Look, uh, Sally,

she thinks you're a great
guy and she loves you,

but, well, she's just
not in love with you.

So, that's why she's
breaking up with you.

Uh, it's not you. It's her.

No, it's, it's me.

I should have
treated her better.

The truth is, I
never really felt

that spark with her, you know.

I guess that's why
I've been spending

so much time focusing
on work recently.

I run this dating Web
site called E-Mate.

E-Mate. Yeah, I know you
guys. You keep me in business.

[chuckles] Sally
really is amazing.

It's probably why I
couldn't let her go,

even though I knew she
wasn't the one for me.

She's the first girl

who ever really made
me believe in love.

Yeah, well, we all
believe in stupid things

every now and then.

Santa Claus, wrinkle
cream, zero-calorie Coke.

[chuckles]

Look, you're gonna
be fine, okay?

Pain is temporary. People
get dumped every day.

By the way, um,

Love your outfit.

Chartreuse is the perfect
color for your skin complexion.

Thank you.

Um, look,

here's, uh, here's my card.

And, uh, it was really
nice to meet you.

Stage-four crier?

No, not at all. I,

I've seen all sorts of
reactions from dumpees,

fear, confusion,
throwing things, begging,

but never anything like this.

He actually said
it was his fault.

[laughs]

But he's a guy. Men never
admit to their own mistakes.

I know.

I mean, okay, let's say
hypothetically love does exist.

Why kind of a girl would take
a guy like Rick for granted?

Ugly nose. Fake boobs.

Eating disorder.

He needs to get an
eating disorder.

Hey, Brit-Brit.

Can you call before you come?

I don't have room
on my speed dial.

So, I forgot to tell Allan
I'm leaving him for Mike.

You need to dump him for me.

I'm supposed to meet him
at Aura in 20 minutes.

Better hurry. Laters.

[whistles] Brit, we had two
more cancellations today.

They both say this other new
break-up service was cheaper.

Should we be worried?

Also found this message
on your desk, Brit.

- TiVo His Girl Friday
with Cary Grant.

- Uh-uh-uh.

[laughs]

Um, you two go take care of
Ashley's latest man-tard now.

Go. Go, go, go, go!

I, uh, just wanted to thank you.

Oh.

I really appreciate what you do.

If Sally and I had
broken up face-to-face,

there would have been
crying and screaming,

and curling up in
the fetal position,

and nobody needs to see that.

It's no worries. I'm
a people person, so...

Listen, I know this is
gonna sound forward,

but, uh, I'm not a guy who sits
and mopes after a break-up.

Would you join me
for dinner tonight?

Uh,

Oh, uh, company policy
outlaws dating dumpees.

Wow. That so did not
go like I planned.

[chuckles] Uh, I'm sorry.

It's just, uh, you
know, when I saw you,

Obviously, you're beautiful.

And I guess I'm just old school.

When I see someone I like, I
just charge full-speed ahead.

It always seemed to work
for my hero, Cary Grant,

and that's why I'm here.

You okay?

[sighs]

Damn, Gary. Rough times.

But Lindsay really
enjoyed her time with you.

And, you know, it's not you.

No, actually, it is you.

When Britney said you were
so ugly even Bill Clinton,

wouldn't sleep with you, she
was just breaking the ice.

She said, "Save your breath

"because you'll need it to
blow up your next girlfriend"?

No. No, no, I am not
laughing, sir. It's just,

Come on. It is funny.

Hello? Hello, sir?

What the hell, Brit?

You're supposed to be a quick

and merciless ninja
love assassin.

Instead, you're Dr. Phil-ing
everyone's relationships.

Relax. I'm on top of it.

This other break-up service

is stealing our
clients and, well,

business is slower than
Tiffany taking the S.A.T.'s.

Hey. Sometimes things
can be true and false.

- Plus, these bills
are just starting to.

- Hold that thought, okay?

What? No, I'm sorry.
I'll be there in five.

I'll see you guys tomorrow.

I asked if I could use
the bathroom an hour ago.

I'm still holding that thought.

Go pee, sweetie.

We even owe the
Arrowhead water guy.

Ohh. Hi!

Are you stuck in
a bad relationship

that you want to get out of?

Yes. For 27 years. But
that's not why I'm here.

I'm Bob Green.

I'm Britney's account manager
at Second Pacific Bank.

I'm here regarding her
last few mortgage payments.

What about them?

She hasn't made any.

Rick? Hello?

I never believed in
love at first sight,

until I saw you.

You deserve that
storybook movie romance

that you've always wanted,

and I want to be
your leading man.

I know I came on too
strong, but I can't help it.

There's just something
about you, Britney Brooks.

I wish I could quit you.

No, don't quit me.

[romantic music]

Let's make our own
romantic movie.

Wait. I think I
have onion breath.

Frankly, my dear, I
don't give a damn.

- Britney? Britney Brooks?
- Hmm?

Sorry. Chuck Charleston.
I work with Rick.

Oh.

He has pictures
of you everywhere,

and I just totally
recognized you.

No way. I'm actually
meeting him here. Sit.

- Oh, thank you.

Oh, Rick raves about you,

about how close you've
become in such a short time.

Yeah.

And it scares him.

That's why he feels it's best
to just nip it in the bud now.

What? Uh, I'm sorry. Yeah.

Why, uh, Why would
he tell you and not,

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you breaking up with me?

Well, it's nothing
personal. It's what I do.

Chuck Charleston,
break-up specialist.

No? Okay.

You used the "nip it
in the bud" speech?

That's mine. I invented
it. It is copy,

You are in a lot
of trouble, mister.

Wait. Look, it's not him. It's,

No, wait. It's not him.

Careful!

That's pumpernickel! [gasps]

All right. Beat it, chuckles.

Evidence. Evidence.

Sorry about that, Brit.

Chuck's just a trainee
in our business.

Our business?

Yeah.

You're the other
break-up service?

You pretended to like me?

Whoa, whoa.

I was just doing market
research, all right,

checking out my competition.

I couldn't know that
you'd fall for me.

Besides, I was told

you were this emotionally
tough businesswoman and, well,

possibly not even into dudes.

Anyway, Brooksy,
here's the deal.

Love is the one
thing in this world

that people will always need.

E-Mate brings 'em together,
and E-Dump pulls them apart.

I control both ends
of love's production.

It's capitalism at its finest.

You're Microsoft-ing break-ups?

Britney, I'm sorry.

It's just business. I
never meant to hurt you.

That's my line too, you hack!

Hmph.

It's okay.

You've been in this
situation before,

just on the other side.

Compose yourself and leave
with dignity. Hmm. Hmm.

Loser.

You know, for years
I told my dumpees,

that life goes on and
it'll all be okay,

but now I realize there aren't

plenty of other fish in the sea.

Nope. All the good
fish have been caught.

The ones left swimming
have been tossed back in

by someone else.

Come on.

Oh, I love this song.

Turn it off!

Oh.

God, I am so done with Rick.

He's a lying, immature,
scummy, two-faced,

Do you think, if I lost 10
pounds, he'd take me back?

Oh.

We need to tell her
about the mortgage.

Not while she's in a serial
stage. It'll kill her.

Air kisses all.

You need to dump Mike for
me. Turns out he's not rich.

He's got all these
expensive-looking
paintings in his place,

but he, like, drew them himself.

Ah, the nerve!

Britney needs a
break right now, Ash.

She's taking things
one day at a time.

No, no.

If one more person
tells me to take things

one day at a time,

I'm gonna start taking
things two days at a time.

Yeah. I'm gonna jump
from Monday to Thursday.

If Rick wants a break-up
battle, he's gonna get one.

You do not mess with the master.

Mmm.

Britney, hey. It's
really great to see you.

What are you doing here?

Mike, Ashley is,

Amazing. I know, I know. She's
like my own personal angel.

Ashley, an angel?

She may be the Antichrist. I
have priests looking into it.

You have really incredible eyes.

You and Ashley, you both
have these just amazing,

piercing eyes.

Every time she looks at
me, it's like, she's just,

you know, peeling back
the layers of my soul.

Ashley's breaking up with you.

What?

Yeah, it's, uh,
it's what she does.

I'm sorry, but it's over.

Wait a minute.

But I totally recommend
the lobster ravioli here.

Get it with the Alfredo.

I should've been nicer to her.

I should've treated her better.

Been there.

Do you think, if I gained 10
pounds, she'd take me back?

Oh, no! Ashley!

Steven, you're past
due for a dumping.

They did? Half the price?

Okay. Bye.

Rick's stupid
company is stealing,

all our immature 20-something,
commitment-phobic males.

I mean, they're our meal ticket.

Come on. Oh, Tiff.

Come on. What are we gonna do?

It's okay. We have to
figure something out.

We will.

[crying]

He was in no condition to drive.

Wait a second.

You're Ashley's sister.

You know what kind of
man she wants, right?

Listen, I will,

I will pay you anything you
want to help me win her back.

Okay? Anything. I've got
maybe 10 grand in my savings.

We'll take it! We'll take it!

What? Yes.

No, no. I don't get
people together, okay?

I pull them apart.

That'd be like Al
Gore selling S.U.V.s.

Britney, but you
don't understand. Just
help me, anything.

Just tell me what
she's looking for.

Money. Do you make a lot?

I'm a Y.M.C.A. art teacher.

Mm-hmm. Strike one. Do
you enjoy fine dining?

I'm a vegan.

Strike two.

Ashley only enjoys eating
things that once had a soul.

Do you like to travel?

I've been to Bakersfield once.

Strike three. Sorry,
can't help you.

Please. You don't understand.

Listen, Mike, you seem
like a decent guy,

and you're oddly attractive

in a "George from Grey's
Anatomy" kind of way,

but you have the one thing

that Ashley is just not
interested in: heart.

So,

[sighs]

The Arrowhead guy too?

Yeah. Your last few
mortgage payments bounced.

We're gonna have to pay
them back fast, or...

Or I lose everything.

This is why love blows. Why
didn't you girls stop me?

We'll fix it, Brit.
I'll work overtime.

And I'll give back the stapler
I took from the supply room.

Sorry, girls, but
you've been downsized.

That's good.

That's nice.

[sighs]

Okay, guys, that's
it. See you Thursday.

Good work.

I knew it. I knew the power
of love would bring you back.

Yeah, love. Still
10 grand, right?

Uh, yeah, sure.

I mean, I'd pay anything
to get Ashley back.

She was my muse.

[laughs]

I'm sorry. Really.

I painted this when
I was with Ashley.

I couldn't stop painting.

I had this artistic
explosion in my soul

the entire week
we were together.

You got whipped in a week?

And you know what?

I even sold two of my pieces.

I never sold any of my
art before I met Ashley.

And now,

all I can paint is this.

Yeah. I need Ashley
back, Britney.

I need my muse back.

These kids are expecting
me to lead them

in this mural contest.

How am I supposed to lead them
when all I can paint is this?

That's why I'm here.

What? You're gonna help.

Yes.

Oh! Yes! No.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Okay.

Rule number one. Yes?

Do not ever hug me again.

- Oh.
- Rule number two.

Yeah?

What I say goes. No questions.

Really? Even if I have a...

Sorry.

Rule number three: no refunds.

Within this building lies the
hottest collection of women,

west of an MTV Real
World casting call.

Hold your own in here and
there's hope for us yet.

I'm allergic to dogs,
but I have a cat.

Great.

See, women like that

are similar to Ashley in
hotness and lack of humanity.

So, consider this practice,
a flirting spring training.

Britney, I don't want
her. I want Ashley.

Yeah, and Ashley
loves confident men,

men with the balls to
hit on anyone anywhere.

God, how'd you meet my
sister in the first place?

Oh, she, uh, She sent me a text,

said that I was
hot, to come over.

Adorable.

Well, if you can't
handle hitting on a girl

you don't even care about,

how do you expect to handle

being comfortable around
a girl who you love,

a girl who's your muse?

Very nice. Maybe there
is hope for us yet.

Well, that girl's married,

but I think she
wants me to cat-sit.

So, good?

Huh?

Ashley doesn't want a guy

who menstruates
more than she does.

Get back out there
and prove to me

that you actually
have a "Y" chromosome.

Oh, uh, here.

Let me get that. Yeah?

Yes. Thank you so much.

You're welcome.

Say thank you, Leah.

Uh, I'm Mike.

Melanie.

Nice to meet you.

And you already met Leah.

Give him a kiss.
It's okay. It's okay.

I'm so sorry. I'll get
him. Get back here.

Leah! Come back!

Leah!

If people find out
where we're going,

No, we're jobless, Tiff.
We need to save cash.

This is a necessary evil.

But, But an outlet store?

I'd be buying retail,
outdated retail.

I wasn't looking at her chest.

I was trying to
read her T-shirt.

Something written
on her ass too!

Excuse me, ma'am, but
your boyfriend is,

A big, fat jerk!

Agreed.

We can make that significant
other a lot less significant.

Hi, Sarah. I'm Rick Barnes,
president of E-Dump.

I represent Pat,

and while he apologizes for
today's unfortunate incident,

he feels that you've
got real trust issues.

That's why he thinks it's best

for you two to go
your separate ways.

- Are you breaking up with me?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.
[crying]

Dude, check out my
other site, E-Mate.

A lot of potential
rebound chicks.

Ladies.

Mm-mmm.

Time to get our game faces on.

Oh, sorry. Wrong game.

He'll dump you as soon
as the credits roll!

Oh, if it isn't the
Matisse of mucus.

Sorry, okay?

I just didn't know you
were gonna so quickly

throw me to the
wolves, Pomeranians.

You and Ashley go together

about as well as
socks and sandals.

Okay? Let it go.

Are you kidding me?
No. I need Ashley.

I love her. Okay?

Love is an illusion
created by the founders

of Valentine's Day,
to peddle chocolates

and those candy hearts with
the lame sayings on them.

Love and 6.50 gets you a latte.

- What does that even mean?

- Look. Ashley doesn't
want a romantic. Okay?

She must have been in an
appletini-induced haze

to hit on you in
the first place.

Okay, well, you know what then?

Help me become
the man she wants.

All right? Mold me. Sculpt me.

I will be your blank canvas

so you can create
your masterpiece.

Okay, you took that
metaphor a little too far.

Well?

Fine. Come on.

- Cary Grant. Gregory Peck.

Those were real men, men
who don't exist today.

I mean, you see the way
they act around girls?

Every movement is
confident and calculated,

like a figure skater,

except they actually like girls.

[birds chirping]

[grunts] I didn't say you
could spend the night!

[groans]

I didn't. I just, I
must have fallen asleep.

Get out! Go!

Okay. Okay. I thought
you were gonna mold me.

All right, that 10
grand, I want it in cash.

I do not accept
Visa or MasterCard.

Yeah, okay, anything.
Just bring my muse back.

Steven Salon. Noon today.

First thing we need to
do is get you groomed.

Steven Salon. Got it. Okay.

Promise you won't mess with
my hair too much, okay?

Yeah?

Ashley considers celebrity
hairstyles fine literature.

With an Esquirecut, she'll
think you read it too.

I look like a gigolo.

It takes hours to look
like a rich creeper.

[groans] I can barely
breathe in this.

Okay, you know, this
is way too tight.

It needs to be tight. Ashley
likes her men with definition.

Do you even work out?
- I Jazzercise.

Kidding.

How tall are you?

About 6"1'.

Really?

About 5"11'.

You're gonna need
two-inch lifts.

Ashley likes her men
tall, dark and handsome.

I got a deal on the shirt. So
it's only gonna cost you $200.

Bucks? For.

Oh, Britney, I can
find a three pack

at the outlet store
for 11.95, 200 bucks.

If Ashley smells the
stench of wholesale on you,

not even God himself could
get you back together.

The hot dog is in the bun.

Over. [gasps]

Camouflage doesn't help
you blend in with a ficus.

Sorry.

But remember to end all your
transmissions with "Over."

Okay, Britney needs our help.

Britney fired us.

That's because she was sad.

If we can follow Rick

and figure out how he
stole all our clients,

then we can take him down!

And then Britney
will un-downsize us.

[sighs]

P-Please, Robs.
Brit's in trouble,

and I don't want to let
her down again, okay?

Which is why we need to
be all incognigenital.

Incognito, sweetie. Incognito.

Oh.

Okay. Let's catch
up with the hot dog.

Try a divorce.

The hot dog is
leaving the bun. Over.

Stop with the hot
dog, dog thing! Over.

You, uh, You need some
help there, brother?

These can be tricky.

The good news is the
pink shirt works.

All right. Booyaka. Right?

Around twice. Right?
Through the loop.Oh.

Thanks, bro.

I'm meeting my girl here and
I wanna look good, you know?

We've been having, issues.

Really? Let's talk.

She swears nothing happened.

Ah, Christian.

I know chicks, all right?

And where there's
smoke, there's fire.

End things now
before you get hurt.

We've been together a year.

I don't know if I could
handle breaking up with her.

Thankfully, my friend,
you won't have to.

- Look, there's Rick.

- This must be Rick's place.

Oh, this is kinda bigger
than Britney's place.

Kind of a lot bigger.

I want a hot dog.

What have we got?

500 new clients this month, sir.

300 for E-Mate.

Good, good.

Just make sure we keep the
loved and the lovelorn balanced.

Oh, and, uh, what about Britney?

She's done.

[upbeat music]

[people chattering]

You got dumped because
you liked Ashley

a hell of a lot more
than she liked you.

Relationships need balance.

It's gotta look like you
don't want Ashley anymore.

Girls need to think you think
you're better than them,

or else they think
that they can have you,

and then they won't
want you anymore.

[groans]

Look, if you want
to win Ashley back,

you need to pretend that
you don't care about her.

And considering your
level of whippedness,

it's gonna take a
lot more practice.

Okay, well, then shouldn't
I be practicing on,

Yeah! Whoo! Yeah!

women?

As a straight male,
you're naturally aloof
around other men.

You need to act the
same way around women.

- So I have to be an ass?

- Exactly! That's
what women want.

Can I buy you a drink?

Sure, man. Thanks.

Uh, no, you can't.

You wanna shoot some pool then?

Mm-mmm.

Ass.

- Very nicely done.

- Hang on a second,
bro. Hang on.

Look, I'm sorry. It's
not you. It's just me.

I just got out of a
relationship, and it's been,

[laughs] It was
great to meet you.

And I'll call you right before
kickoff on Sunday. Okay.

That wasn't aloof.

I thought you two were
gonna start making out.

I'm sorry, Britney, but
I'm a friendly guy, okay?

And I'm pretty sure that
women like affection.

That is just what we tell
guys so we seem sensitive.

[groans] This isn't me, Britney.

This isn't me. I
don't play games.

The first time that
Ashley kissed me,

my head said this was a
one-shot deal, but my heart,

My heart said, "Follow
her, you fool."

And I did, and I found my muse.

Love is not a choice.

Yes, it is. Love is a
chemical reaction, a craving.

If I can control my urges
for mini chimichangas,

then love can be controlled too.

You're supposed to be my
blank canvas, remember?

I'm trying to create
a Rembrandt here,

and you're finger painting.

I don't like the new Mike.

Yeah, well, Ashley
dumped the old one.

Paul, I can't believe it's you.

It's not. My name's Jeff.

Right, but we went
to SC together.

I went to UCLA.

Weren't you a business major?

History.

Oops. My bad.

Hey. The craziest
thing just happened.

I'm sitting here
waiting for you,

and then this other
girl comes up.

Hey, Jeffy, you big stud.

Jeff and I have been together
since our days at UCLA.

Judy, I, Yeah, I
don't know this girl.

Remember how we used to
study together for history?

I'm surprised either
one of us passed.

Judy, baby, I promise.
I don't know this girl.

I've never seen her
before. I swear!

Why would you?

- Tiff. Tiff.

Hey, who are you anyway?

- The chicken has flown the
coop. Engage the chicken!

Engage! Over.

Yeah.

Okay, you can do this, Robyn.

Are you okay, miss?

'Cause I work for Splitzville,
and I can help you.

I--

Hello. E-Dump?

I need to get rid of my
cheating boyfriend A.S.A.P.

The chicken is
crossing the road.

Why did the chicken?

Yeah. I'm here.

Oh.

[gasps]
- Oh, no.

Come on.

Air kisses.

Look, if you're looking for
your latest boyfriend deletion,

I'm gonna have to charge you.

No. I'm not dumping my new guy.

[sighs]

Are you okay? You
look worse than usual.

New guy? Wonderful.
Just, perfect.

No, he so is, and he's renting
out Club Finale tonight.

I wanted to see what Robs
and Tiffs were doing.

Oh. Um,

Well, I guess you can come then.

No, I-I really,

could use a vodka cranberry.

[upbeat music]

- This is so exciting, Brit.

I always wished we were closer.

Really?

Yeah. And when
you put makeup on,

you're not half
hideous. [giggles]

- Hi, honey.

Oh.

Britney?

Britney, wait. I'm sorry.

Sorry? For what? For dumping me?

For ruining my business
or for dating my sister?

Or is this just a
blanket apology for
all your past wrongs,

and future mea
culpas against me?

Yeah. That one.

The least you could've done

was hired me to
break up with myself.

Then I would've gotten
something out of it.

It's not my fault.
I mean, look at her.

Ashley has this aura,

like she pretends to
not care about anything.

She's not pretending!

Listen, I'm opening up
a new break-up division,

strictly for the removal
of sloppy seconds.

And I need someone to run
it for me, someone like you.

[gasps]

Had to pick the red.

Ew! Ew. My sister?

Ew!

It's not that big!

[people chattering]

- The contrast is amazing.

Just keep goin',
guys. Do your best.

Mike. Come on. Let's go.

Come on.

Good job, guys.

Ashley. You look amazing.

It's really good to see you.

Wow. You, uh, You look terrific.

We should totally
hang out sometime.

Totally hang out?

What are you, 12?

Oh, are you gonna make
her a mix tape too?

Would you please stop and
just turn down the volume?

All right? You're gonna
force me to pull a van Gogh.

Get focused, okay? No
compliments. One-word answers.

Ashley is your
muse. You need her.

And I need that money.

All right.

Now just do what we rehearsed.

Don't forget the three
A's, arrogant, aloof, assy.

Assy. Right.

And if you run
into any trouble--

She's coming. Move it, van Gogh.

Okay, walk slowly. Be cool.

I said cool, not constipated.

[laughs] Yeah.

Yeah, well, uh, nice
talking to you, gorgeous.

All right. Yeah.
Talk to you later.

Mike.

Oh. Uh, what's up, Amber.

Ashley.

Right.

[chuckles] You got a haircut.

Had it styled.

I like your shirt. Is
that Sea Island cotton?

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

- Esquire says.
- Esquire says,

that once you cut the tags off
your clothes, they're dated.

Plus pink is the new white,

so I've gotta update
most of my casual wear.

Thankfully, black is
still the new black,

Thankfully, black is
still the new black,

so I've still got that going on.

[singing in foreign language]

- Uh, I was just Spanglishing.

I was, I was, uh, I
was just Spanglishing.

It's that new thing to do.

You start your sentence in
English. You end it in Spanish.

Oh. Of course. Spanglishing.

I've been doing that
for, mucho tampon.

Right.

Uh, well, I've gotta go,
but we should totally.

[phone ringing]

- Hello.
- Walk forward.

Pivot. Walk away.

Okay, if she stares at you

for at least four
seconds, we are in.

Four, three, two, one. Yes!

- Ah!

♪ I'm so gonna pull this
off Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪

♪ Then I'm gonna get 10
grand Doo-doo-doo-dah-day ♪

♪ I'm gonna save my place, yeah
and punch Rick in the face ♪

♪ Then I'll take his business
down Doo-doo-doo-dah ♪

[brakes squealing]

- Oh, my God! I am so--

- Britney?
- Sally?

Um, I'm okay. Really.
I'm gonna be okay.

You dropped something.

[phone ringing]

This is E-Dump.

Are you dumping a boyfriend,
girlfriend or one of each?

Let me tell you, girls.

It is great having,

two break-up specialists
with your experience here.

Welcome to E-Dump. [giggles]

[gasps] Look! Brit!

- This is not what
it looks like.

- Totally.

Good. 'Cause it looks
like you're hurting me.

Ta-da!

This is just a little thank-you

for all of your
help so far, far.

Rick used to shower me
with roses, all the time.

Now every time I see
them, I think of him,

and I remember all the pain.

Rick ruined red roses for me.

He also ruined bubble
baths, New York City,

and most of my music collection,

including, sadly,
my '90s Madonna.

Ashley killed frozen
yogurt for me.

Also, uh, hammocks,

banana pancakes and
the color magenta.

I lost French food, diet cola
and airplane flights to Rick.

Da Vinci is dead to me.

So are butterfly kisses,
Ping-Pong and reality TV.

The beach,
Pictionary, sweet tea,

iPods, slow dances, Cary Grant.

Sunsets, sleeping
in, strawberries

and John Denver's
"Country Roads."

Rick ruined everything for me.

Maybe I should
come back tomorrow.

[crying]

Have I really got
you in my arms again?

Oh! Jack!

Rick's company is
huge, and I'm just me.

And now they have
my two best friends.

Well, they're a
heartless corporation

just in it for the money.

You dumped people out of love.

Will you stop with that
awful four-letter word?

[chuckles]

You know, if the
writers of these movies

you like so much never
experienced love,

they'd have no idea how
to portray it on screen,

and you wouldn't have any
idea who Cary Grant is.

You see, when a person has love

and they channel
it into something,

whether it's a painting,

or a business that helps people
shed their unwanted exes,

it becomes a force of nature.

A passionate person
fueled by love

is a force that
no one can defeat.

[people chattering]

- Just use that other color.

All right. Can I grab
your brush for a second?

Thank you.

All right, guys, we're gonna do

some more passionate
and stronger strokes.

Just like this, all right? And
be vibrant with your colors.

Because we are happy, and
this is a happy mural.

Hi.

Uh, keep goin', guys.

[phone ringing]

I went to that frat
house like you asked.

I got at least five new names.

Oh.

And where would
our client list be?

I mean, I should add
the new names. [giggles]

Well, leave them on my desk.

No one sees the client
list but me and Rick. Hmm?

Oops.

Mmm! Thanks.

No ways.

Sorry. Oops.

Right.

What about her?

Uh, purse doesn't match?

No. You're not supposed to
wear white after Labor Day.

Oh. Oh!

And that's for
ditching me last night.

Well, I remembered how
much you appreciated

our other night together.

Yeah, but, last night, I need,

I mean, I wouldn't have
hurt you for staying.

Okay, hang on. Stop.

So, first, you're pissed
at me because I stayed.

Now you're mad at
me for leaving.

Yeah.

Well, how am I sup,
Oh, come on, Britney.

Well, I'm sorry?

Congratulations. You passed.

Passed what?

The female-brain test.

See, our logic is
way more advanced

than your standard Earth male,

yet we expect you to understand

even when we don't make sense.

That makes no sense.

Exactly.

But you kept your cool and
followed the golden rule:

"Always apologize to a
girl when she's upset."

Especially when you
didn't do anything wrong.

So, hang on. All the
crying last night,

that was part of this test?

Yeah, of course. I
mean, come on. Me cry?

Bah.

Okay. 'Cause I was
worried about you.

That guy was progressively
lighter from head to toe.

Who dresses him?

Have you ever considered working

on the happy end
of relationships?

People don't need
help falling in love.

They have the Internet and
alcohol for that. [chuckles]

But they do need someone

to help cushion the
blow when it's over.

'Cause no matter how
gently you dump someone,

what your ex is
really saying is,

"My life is better
without you in it."

Getting dumped is like
skinning your knee as a kid.

I'm just the kiss from Mom
that makes it feel better.

I really hope that one day

you and love get back
on speaking terms.

Love is just a leftover emotion
from our hairy ancestors.

I mean, when your house
is under constant attack

from woolly mammoths, then yeah,

love and all that other
cutesy stuff are important.

But today we have
wireless everything.

We're self-sufficient.

We don't need to
rely on each other.

So, what about them?

Probably been together
for over years.

Their youthful good
looks are gone.

They've already gotten on
each other's every last nerve.

And I'm sure they're not
in it for the sex anymore.

So how do you explain the fact
that they're still together?

How else other than love?

Senility and Viagra.

[laughs]
I'm just saying.

While I agree that her
shirt was cut sluttily,

it also had a very humorous
slogan on the front,

so clearly my client was looking
at that and not her boobs.

So it's over. Deal with it.

Well, pardon me.

I don't know how I didn't see
this tall drink of handsome.

[laughs] Mm-mmm-mmm.

Oh. Just as I thought.
Made in heaven.

I'm on my way to Crunch
to do some pectoral flies.

Mm-hmm?

Care to spot me?

Okay.

- Good work, Steven. Your
next dumping is on the house.

Where's the client list?

He's not talking.

That's because you
gagged him, sweetie.

[giggles]

Let me go!

Ow.

Is somebody thirsty?

I've got a blueberry schnapps.

Or maybe, maybe you'd
prefer a whiskey shot.

No. No, no. Anything but that!

Oh, this is so, Mmm!No!

Where is the client list, Chuck?

I can't! I can't!

No.

Oh, right here.

Monsters.

Oh! Monsters!

Monsters!

No! No!

Okay! Okay!

Okay. Just put them away.
Put them away. I'll tell you.

The client list is
in my e-mail account.

[chuckles] So please stop.

[laughs]

Come on.

I'll pay, okay? You
don't have to break a--

Bob had a full head of hair
when he married his wife.

Now look at him. He's hideous.

She nags him, restricts
his football watching,

and she's on the Olympic sex
program, once every four years.

Sucks for Bob. Move.

He obviously needs
to cut her loose,

but E-Dump is getting overloaded
with clients recently.

So I thought I'd outsource
a few cases to you.

You interested?

No.

Brooks, please.

Just listen to me, all right?

Look, I came to
bury the hatchet.

Yeah? Well, you already
did. It's in my back.

Please, just accept this rose,

and these delicious nougats
in the spirit of forgiveness.

I'm here to help, all right?

Don't look a gift
horse in the mouth.

I'm staring at the
horse's other end.

[sighs] Britney. Britney, we
need to be civil, all right.

For Ashley's sake. I,
[groans] I love her.

Why is every man in
love with my sister?

Just let me give you
a job, all right?

Ugh!

You can run your own little
break-up bureau out of E-Dump.

It'll solve your bank problems.

Britney, please. I,

I don't wanna fight with
my future sister-in-law.

Get out.

[sighs]

I mean, it's perfect
irony really.

The break-up artist
done in by love.

I'm broke.

My only hope is to get this
guy together with my sister,

and, I mean, he's nice and
he tries really hard, but,

He just lacks Rick's charm.

I'm surprised my sister
fell for him at all.

I mean, God, what
was she thinking?

Sorry. There's just no
one else to talk to.

Well, I know it
looks bad right now,

but I have every faith that
you will bring my muse back.

If you want the money
now, I can give it to you.

No. I don't take money I
didn't earn. I'm not my sister.

Ashley liked you for one reason.

She thought you were rich.

Okay. Rick's got cash, which
is why he's got Ashley.

We can fake your coolness,

and maybe we can make you seem

a little more
financially attractive.

First we're gonna
need some money.

25 bucks.

The emo kids love your artwork.

I just came to help.

Yeah, well, your help's
why I'm sitting here

with one client.

Brit, this hasn't been
easy for us either.

I miss you.

And Tiff's so crushed,

she's going back to get
her beauty school G.E.D.

Look, this file contains
all Rick's clients,

many of whom he stole from you.

Swing half of them
back to your side,

and his business is done.

I'll take them all.

So, we got the money. Now what?

Uh-oh.

Is that all you got?

Oh, shut up.

I can't feel my abs anymore.

I think you're supposed
to rest in between sets.

Did Romeo rest when
chasing Juliet?

Ross never gave up
from pursuing Rachel.

Right now, another man
is wining and dining

the woman of your dreams,

a horrible,
disgusting other man.

Three!

[gasps]

You ready?

Let's do the thing.

All right. Okay. Okay.

Good for dinners and
daytime summer barbecues.

Yes.

Any movies after the third date.

Nice.

[gasps] Come on.

First meeting of the parents.

[groans] Birthdays
and bar mitzvahs.

Shoot. I knew that.
Let's go again.

Oh. I know. I looked.
Force of habit, okay?

Ow! Okay. It was, Never mind.

Oop.

And I want summaries of all
the fall lines by tomorrow.

How's your fitness?

It only takes me 12 minutes
to do the 8-minute abs now.

Nice.

Oh, guys. I'm so sorry.
I completely forgot.

Hey. Oh, come on.

Oh, come on, guys.

Hey. Hey, you know, I'll come
in early tomorrow morning.

All right? We're gonna
get this done. I promise.

[sighs]

You know what, Britney?
I'm done with this.

I'm done with the practice.

I'm done with the training.
I want my muse now.

Okay. You're ready.

[upbeat music]

Britney, you, you
were so amazing.

You knew everywhere that
Ashley was gonna be.

No. It's all you, Mike.

I'm so proud of how much
of a dick you are now.

Oh. Okay.

You think I should call her now?

What? No, no, no, no.

As soon as you
pick up that phone,

you go from hunter to prey.

No more balance.

Okay. I'm breaking the rules!

You're so good.

What a day.

Mike?

Hi. [chuckles]

Uh, hey. What's up, Amber?

Ashley.

Right.

Were, uh, Were you
getting a massage today?

Mmm.

So what do you want, a
ride home or something?

No, no. Uh, my boyfriend's
coming to get me.

He, like, has a Mercedes.

Hmm. Well, have a good night.

Oh.

Mmm! Hi.

This is three grand a bottle.

What, is that a lot?

Nah, I just sold
one of my paintings.

You just sold one
of your paintings?

Half a mil.

Really? You just sold
one of your paintings.

Yeah. It was a bad week.

[chuckles] I
totally misread you.

You really come off as that
"wholesale shopping bag" guy.

[laughs] Yeah. Yeah,
that's, uh, just an act,

to keep away all the chicks
that are just after my money.

Those are the worst.

Yeah.

That's your stop.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Laters.

Good work.

What's wrong?

She, uh, she kissed me.

Oh. Well.

That's a good thing, right?

Yeah. [chuckles]

Just drop us off.

We can't afford you
for another hour.

♪ I remember when you told me ♪

♪ We'd be together
till the end of time ♪

♪ But time passed so quickly ♪

♪ I guess you
changed your mind ♪

♪ Though my head's a mess ♪

♪ I've got nothin'
left without you ♪

♪ And I hate how it feels ♪

♪ I want to see you again ♪

♪ How could this be the end ♪

♪ Don't say good-bye ♪

♪ Don't say good-bye ♪

♪ I know this time
it's for real ♪

- Sorry, guys,
but you know what?

I know we're better than this.

And that's why we're
gonna start over.

We're gonna put
our hearts into it,

and we're gonna put
our souls into it.

Yeah. Put some
sea-foam green into it.

And remember, guys, we're
telling a story here.

We're telling a story
about good versus evil,

and we're telling
a story about love.

What the hell, Mike?

This is our D-day. We're
on a strict schedule.

Ashley will be at
Avalon by 10:15.

Spider Club, 10:30.

She asked me out.

Ashley asked you out?

Ashley never asks anyone
out. I mean, that's great.

You got your muse back.

I turned her down.

What?

I just thought that
after the other night.

No, Mike, I need this!

Okay? Or else I lose everything.

- Got your text.
- Yeah.

You need something?

I need my girls back.

- Bouquet, bouquet!

- Yea!

- I'm so sorry that I
downsized you girls.

- Mmm.

- But I have a secret
mission tonight.

- Ooh.

- You wanna get upsized?

- Let's do it!

- Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Oh, I totally wanna
see you too, Rick.

But, yeah, no, we're gonna
have to wait until tomorrow.

I totally have plans with
someone else tonight. Laters.

How did you know I
liked pink roses?

Red ones got ruined.

Keep feeding her wine, Mike.

The higher her blood-alcohol
level, the better our chances.

Okay.

You're right, sir.
They're on the move.

Oh. I've gotta go
powder my nosie.

If the waitress comes, I want,

Merlot, 73.5 degrees.

Okay. Very nicely done.
We almost have balance.

Go to the appetizer page.

Follow the script,
and we will be fine.

Okay. What if she does
something unexpected?

Desserts. Here.

[chuckles]

Okay.

Uh, Okay, static.

What's going on with the sound?

Um, mic check, check.
Can you hear me?

You know what? Forget
about it. Don't even worry.

You have taught me well.
I can do this on my own.

No. We're screwed. I
think it's the batteries.

- Here you go.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh. Mm-mmm. Okay.

Match the diode up
with its ionic charge,

or it won't circulate its power.

- Tiff? [chuckles]

[giggles]

- And he's wearing pink.

- Shoot. She's coming!
Battle stations.

- Go. Go.

After dinner, you should
try the creme brulee.

It's Atkins-friendly here.

The last time we were together,

you so gave off this
granola-loving, tree-hugging,

"I give my salary
to the poor" vibe.

I am so glad I was
wrong about you.

Yeah, well, uh, you know,
I like to take things slow.

When I meet someone,

I prefer to gradually reveal
my personality as things,

- Ashley!

You're being set up.

- This, uh, guy paid your
sister to help him get you back.

- What?

Ashley, I understand
your concern.

Aw!

Look!

- Oh, crap.
- Pathetic.

- What the hell's
going on, Mike?

- Yeah, Mike.

Brit-Brit?

Ladies?

How could you? After
everything I've done for you.

She's just jealous, all right?

She's trying to break us apart.

But I love you, Ashley.

Ashes, no! Remember Mike?

He-He has fashion sense,
a limo and, and those abs.

Honey. It's really expensive.

Hey! Back!
- Give it to me! It's mine!

So the ring is huge. Come
on, Mike. This is it.

Don't quit on me. Mike.

I can't, I can't
do this anymore.

Britney, all the
games, all the lies.

I don't, I don't even think
she's my muse anymore.

What?

Last night when I kissed her,

I didn't feel that
spark like before.

It didn't feel as good
as when I kissed you.

That wasn't a real kiss.

It, It was diversion.
Doesn't count.

Britney, the second
that we kissed,

my mind exploded with
thoughts and feelings

I didn't even know existed.

My body tingled. My
lips were on fire.

They were probably
chapped. Here.

Britney, you took
charge of my life. Okay?

You, knew me. You read me.

No! No, I'm illiterate.

You're incredible.

You're incredible.

I'm in love with you.

No.

No.

Don't. Don't. Don't do this.

Just give it a chance.

I can't date clients.

You know what, Britney?

If you want to treat
me like a client, fine.

It's the logical choice,

but I know you felt
something last night.

You had to. Okay, listen.

No. No.

So for just once in your
life, think with your heart.

Okay?

I, It's, It's not you.

It's me.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- Cary Grant, Gregory Peck,

those were real men, men
who don't exist today.

- Rule number one:
Do not hug me.

- Get out!

- Is that all you got?
- What the hell, Mike?

Considering your
level of whippedness,

it's gonna take a
lot more practice.

And that's for
ditching me last night.

- Ow!

♪ To guide you and
lead you through dark ♪

♪ Into light ♪

♪ Gotta know what
you're feelin' ♪

♪ Wanna know how
you're dealin' ♪

♪ With pain inside ♪

♪ It's okay not to show it ♪

♪ Takes some time letting go ♪

♪ All the hurt you'll find ♪

Robs?

Perfect. That would be
perfect, girl. [laughs]

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, "What
was she thinking?

"How could she pass up
the love of a great guy?

A great guy with
a $10,000 check?"

But I didn't earn Mike's money.

And I didn't earn Mike either.

He needs to be with
someone like him,

someone,

someone who still
believes in love.

I just asked if
you had more boxes.

Oh. Um,

Nope. That's, That's it.

And you should've kissed Mike.

Shut up.

Why do girls keep
dumping that cutie?

Look at the bright side, Brit.

At least you kept
him away from Ashley.

He would've never
been happy with her.

Yeah. I mean, Mike's
money might help me

keep all this stuff, but,

At least I can still look
myself proudly in the mirror,

if I had a mirror.

Mmm. We'll do one last check.

Okay.
Okay?

It's gonna be okay.
Okay.

Come on.

[sighs]

All right, come on in.
Let's get this over with.

You know, people tell
me I had a mean job.

You foreclose and rip
people out of their homes.

Does that make you happy?

No.

Hi.

I paid off the bank.

What? Why?

You paid me to help you get
back with Ashley, and I failed.

I, I didn't earn your money.

Oh, Britney. I hired you
to help me find my muse.

I'm very happy
with your services.

It's incredible.

The kids and I worked on
it for three days straight.

Just came together
like all great art does

when you're inspired.

He liked you. He really did.

You were great around the
house, amazing in the kitchen,

and a generous,
yet gentle lover.

But he just needs
to be with someone,

a little less evil.

Plus 1997 called and
it wants its unbuttoned

Backstreet Boys shirt back.

Unlike E-Dump,

we offer a special players'
club card for macks like you,

that offers discounts on all
"one-night stand" removals.

When the clock strikes 4:00,
we'll get 'em out your door.

Wait. Okay.

Gary? Hi.

I just felt like we
had a connection.

Yeah, I miss you too.

- And now back to
the financial news.

Shares of E-Mate took an
Enron-esque nosedive today.

The company's effort

to break into the
break-up business bombed.

Now that company
is getting dumped.

- I realized I have a gift
for starting relationships,

as well as ending them.

So I rebranded my company,

and dedicated it to all aspects

of the most powerful
force of all.

[phone rings]

Love Rocks. This is
Britney. How can I help you?

Well, how can he
respect you, Steven?

Stop putting out
on the first date.

But I still enjoy going back
to my roots every now and then.

Ah!

Sorry to hear about everything.

Yeah, the break-up
business, it's a cruel one.

[chuckles] This
isn't over, Brooks.

I'll be back, especially
now that I have Ashley.

Yeah, about that.

She doesn't really see this
relationship progressing.

It's not her. It's you.

Seems there are lots more people
looking to fall into love,

than fall out of it.

Love blows.

And that is the story
behind this painting.

Thanks for choosing us, sir.
That money's going to good use.

♪ Singin' na-na, na-na ♪

♪ It's a beautiful life ♪

And it's all because of you.

My muse.

♪ Na-na, na-na ♪

♪ It's a beautiful life ♪

♪ Yes, it is Oh, oh ♪

Hi. I'm Ashley.

- Okay, so maybe love is
a little more eternal,

than I gave it credit for.

Yep, I love love again.

As some dead British
guy once said

that it's "better to
have loved and lost,

than never to have
loved at all."

Love is always in our
hearts. We can't lose it.

But in case you did, I can help.

I'm Britney Brooks, the love
consultant. Give me a call.

♪ What a beautiful life ♪

♪ Yes, it is ♪

♪ Na-na, na-na ♪

♪ What a beautiful life ♪

♪ Oh, na-na, na-na ♪

♪ What a beautiful life ♪

♪ Yes, it is ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Still tryin' to figure
out what went wrong ♪

♪ Thought we'd last forever
'cause we seemed so strong ♪

♪ Singin' I love you ♪

♪ Felt so right ♪

♪ Now I lie awake so
many lonely nights ♪

♪ Everyplace I go and
everything I see ♪

♪ Reminds me of you
and how we used to be ♪

♪ You took more than my
heart when you ran from me ♪

♪ So please give me
back New York City ♪

♪ You ruined airplane
flights and NYC ♪

♪ Bubble baths and
some sweet tea ♪

♪ I can't swim I
can't barbecue ♪

♪ Green-eyed girls
now make me blue ♪

♪ Butterfly kisses
fly away from me ♪

♪ 'Cause I left my heart ♪

♪ 'Cause I left my heart ♪

♪ 'Cause you broke my heart ♪

♪ 'Cause you broke my heart ♪

♪ In New York City ♪

♪ New York City ♪