The Blame Game (2006) - full transcript
News and comedy collide in this comedy question time where members of the public question a panel of comedians their burning questions of the week.
foodval.com - stop by if you're interested in the nutritional composition of food
---
APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to The Blame Game,
the show that has more laughs
than the average Northern Irish
school has toilet rolls.
I'm Tim McGarry and our
regular panellists are,
of course, Colin Murphy,
Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.
And our special guest tonight
is a Scottish comedian,
writer and director.
She's been wowing audiences on radio
and TV and at stand-up gigs
all over the world.
Next year sees her first
solo show in five years.
It's called Riches To Rags
and was inspired by the fee
she's getting for being
on The Blame Game.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
the one and only Jojo Sutherland.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's the start
of a brand-new series.
We've been off air for a few months.
So what have we missed?
Well, in July, England won
the World Cup by coming fourth.
And Brexit is going swimmingly.
Yes, it has emerged that after
Brexit there might actually
be a time difference between
Northern Ireland and the South.
Yes, the South could be
in a different time zone.
They'll be in the 21st century...
..and we'll still be in the 1600s.
Actually, the difference will,
of course, only be an hour.
Northern Ireland
will be an hour behind.
And if you want to know
what it's like being an hour behind,
try getting through security
at Belfast International Airport.
The Pope visited Ireland in August
and spent a lot of time saying sorry
for the past actions
of the Catholic Church.
To be honest, the last time we heard
so many apologies was when the BBC
met Cliff Richard.
LAUGHS AND GROANS
Now, on with the show.
The audience asks the questions
and our panel provide some
very unreliable answers.
What did you in the audience
ask us tonight?
Who's to blame for the BBC
Northern Ireland studio not
having an RHI boiler
outside to keep the audience warm?
Who's to blame for boring people
standing beside us in the queue
to get in tonight?
Said Seamus Kennedy.
Where's Seamus Kennedy?
No, who's he sitting beside?
What's our first question tonight?
Our first question tonight is who do
you blame for taking
Halloween too seriously?
Yes, in Newtownards a group of men
dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits
took pictures of themselves
outside an Islamic centre.
It's being treated as
a racist hate crime.
Personally, I hope the racists
are arrested and flown
out of the country.
Ryanair caters for
racist passengers...
But who can we blame for taking
Halloween too seriously?
This place is great craic.
I haven't been north of the border
in a couple of months,
and in that time Gerry Adams
has a cookbook launched,
the Ku Klux Klan has a rally
and you've burned down a Primark.
Wow.
So, you know that everybody
in this show, we're against all
sorts of intolerance and even
perceived intolerance.
I went on the Ashers bakery
website yesterday
and I refused their cookies.
I'm not conflating the two issues.
Some people defended the people
wearing those KKK outfits
in Newtownards, saying
it's just Halloween.
There are loads of outfits
you could wear on Halloween
that aren't offensive
to other people.
What did you wear in the 1980s
when I was growing up?
You didn't get a costume,
your ma put you in a black polythene
plastic bag, the same thing
that wrapped silage in a field,
and you had the time it took
you to walk from your front door
to your neighbour's front door
to decide what you actually were.
You were a chimney sweep,
you were a cat, you were a witch's
cat and as long as you got
the monkey nuts, you were grand.
So why are these people going,
"They're just dressed up on
Halloween?"
It's still offensive and they stood
outside an Islamic prayer centre.
That's offensive to people. You
don't need to dress up like that.
We know what the KKK stands for.
Is there anybody, you think,
in some tiny little racist town
in Mississippi going,
"What are you going to dress up as,
"Billy Bob, for the Halloween?"
"I'm going to dress
up as a member of the UDA! Yeah!"
You think there's some guy...?
"I've learned some
songs on my banjo."
Dinga-ding-ding-ding-ding,
# Up to my neck in fenian blood. #
"I'm in the UDA, I got the guns,
all I need now is the drugs.
"No, sirree surrender,
that's right."
"And you're going to dress
up as a generic member of the UDA?"
"No, I'm going to dress
up as Michael Stone."
"No! THE Michael Stone?"
"That's right, Michael
'I Can't Paint For Shit' Stone."
"OK, if you're Michael Stone,
I'm Dee Stitt.
"Dinga-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!"
It's just nonsense.
APPLAUSE
They're not the most
educated, are they?
You see signs, there are other signs
as well with people saying,
"Pakis go back to India".
Geography!
What's even better,
Britain First came over here
because apparently this is Britain!
I think you'll find it's not -
if anything technically
it's the United Kingdom,
but it's not Britain,
Britain is the big island,
this is the bit that's stuck
on the side of the big
island, apparently.
Britain First have turned up here,
typical bloody foreigners,
coming over here,
telling us how to live.
They got chucked out of
Wetherspoons. I've seen people
stabbed in Wetherspoons,
haven't been chucked out.
I've seen people thrown
into Wetherspoons.
They went into Wetherspoons
and Wetherspoons refused to serve
them but they didn't chuck them out,
so the guys stood around for five
minutes, pointy hats on -
I presume they kept them on...
Do you drink like that?
..and then one of them goes,
"Here, boys, I'm roasting,"
and that was it.
Stand further away from the cross.
APPLAUSE
By the way, stop having
a go at Michael Stone.
Michael Stone was released
during the summer.
Oh, you didn't know that!
You could have told me halfway
through the joke, couldn't you?
A good story came out of
Derry over Halloween.
Derry do Halloween...
But the police and army raided
the dissidents before Halloween
and they took away 300 fireworks
and 100 firework fuses.
I think that's positive,
because there would have been a time
they'd have got rocket
launchers and Armalites.
Now they're getting fireworks.
What's the dissidents like?
"Right, lads, everybody together,
light your sparklers!"
That's improvement. That's good.
Just watching...
Ooh, aah!
Ooh, ahh...
---
APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to The Blame Game,
the show that has more laughs
than the average Northern Irish
school has toilet rolls.
I'm Tim McGarry and our
regular panellists are,
of course, Colin Murphy,
Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.
And our special guest tonight
is a Scottish comedian,
writer and director.
She's been wowing audiences on radio
and TV and at stand-up gigs
all over the world.
Next year sees her first
solo show in five years.
It's called Riches To Rags
and was inspired by the fee
she's getting for being
on The Blame Game.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
the one and only Jojo Sutherland.
APPLAUSE
Yes, it's the start
of a brand-new series.
We've been off air for a few months.
So what have we missed?
Well, in July, England won
the World Cup by coming fourth.
And Brexit is going swimmingly.
Yes, it has emerged that after
Brexit there might actually
be a time difference between
Northern Ireland and the South.
Yes, the South could be
in a different time zone.
They'll be in the 21st century...
..and we'll still be in the 1600s.
Actually, the difference will,
of course, only be an hour.
Northern Ireland
will be an hour behind.
And if you want to know
what it's like being an hour behind,
try getting through security
at Belfast International Airport.
The Pope visited Ireland in August
and spent a lot of time saying sorry
for the past actions
of the Catholic Church.
To be honest, the last time we heard
so many apologies was when the BBC
met Cliff Richard.
LAUGHS AND GROANS
Now, on with the show.
The audience asks the questions
and our panel provide some
very unreliable answers.
What did you in the audience
ask us tonight?
Who's to blame for the BBC
Northern Ireland studio not
having an RHI boiler
outside to keep the audience warm?
Who's to blame for boring people
standing beside us in the queue
to get in tonight?
Said Seamus Kennedy.
Where's Seamus Kennedy?
No, who's he sitting beside?
What's our first question tonight?
Our first question tonight is who do
you blame for taking
Halloween too seriously?
Yes, in Newtownards a group of men
dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits
took pictures of themselves
outside an Islamic centre.
It's being treated as
a racist hate crime.
Personally, I hope the racists
are arrested and flown
out of the country.
Ryanair caters for
racist passengers...
But who can we blame for taking
Halloween too seriously?
This place is great craic.
I haven't been north of the border
in a couple of months,
and in that time Gerry Adams
has a cookbook launched,
the Ku Klux Klan has a rally
and you've burned down a Primark.
Wow.
So, you know that everybody
in this show, we're against all
sorts of intolerance and even
perceived intolerance.
I went on the Ashers bakery
website yesterday
and I refused their cookies.
I'm not conflating the two issues.
Some people defended the people
wearing those KKK outfits
in Newtownards, saying
it's just Halloween.
There are loads of outfits
you could wear on Halloween
that aren't offensive
to other people.
What did you wear in the 1980s
when I was growing up?
You didn't get a costume,
your ma put you in a black polythene
plastic bag, the same thing
that wrapped silage in a field,
and you had the time it took
you to walk from your front door
to your neighbour's front door
to decide what you actually were.
You were a chimney sweep,
you were a cat, you were a witch's
cat and as long as you got
the monkey nuts, you were grand.
So why are these people going,
"They're just dressed up on
Halloween?"
It's still offensive and they stood
outside an Islamic prayer centre.
That's offensive to people. You
don't need to dress up like that.
We know what the KKK stands for.
Is there anybody, you think,
in some tiny little racist town
in Mississippi going,
"What are you going to dress up as,
"Billy Bob, for the Halloween?"
"I'm going to dress
up as a member of the UDA! Yeah!"
You think there's some guy...?
"I've learned some
songs on my banjo."
Dinga-ding-ding-ding-ding,
# Up to my neck in fenian blood. #
"I'm in the UDA, I got the guns,
all I need now is the drugs.
"No, sirree surrender,
that's right."
"And you're going to dress
up as a generic member of the UDA?"
"No, I'm going to dress
up as Michael Stone."
"No! THE Michael Stone?"
"That's right, Michael
'I Can't Paint For Shit' Stone."
"OK, if you're Michael Stone,
I'm Dee Stitt.
"Dinga-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!"
It's just nonsense.
APPLAUSE
They're not the most
educated, are they?
You see signs, there are other signs
as well with people saying,
"Pakis go back to India".
Geography!
What's even better,
Britain First came over here
because apparently this is Britain!
I think you'll find it's not -
if anything technically
it's the United Kingdom,
but it's not Britain,
Britain is the big island,
this is the bit that's stuck
on the side of the big
island, apparently.
Britain First have turned up here,
typical bloody foreigners,
coming over here,
telling us how to live.
They got chucked out of
Wetherspoons. I've seen people
stabbed in Wetherspoons,
haven't been chucked out.
I've seen people thrown
into Wetherspoons.
They went into Wetherspoons
and Wetherspoons refused to serve
them but they didn't chuck them out,
so the guys stood around for five
minutes, pointy hats on -
I presume they kept them on...
Do you drink like that?
..and then one of them goes,
"Here, boys, I'm roasting,"
and that was it.
Stand further away from the cross.
APPLAUSE
By the way, stop having
a go at Michael Stone.
Michael Stone was released
during the summer.
Oh, you didn't know that!
You could have told me halfway
through the joke, couldn't you?
A good story came out of
Derry over Halloween.
Derry do Halloween...
But the police and army raided
the dissidents before Halloween
and they took away 300 fireworks
and 100 firework fuses.
I think that's positive,
because there would have been a time
they'd have got rocket
launchers and Armalites.
Now they're getting fireworks.
What's the dissidents like?
"Right, lads, everybody together,
light your sparklers!"
That's improvement. That's good.
Just watching...
Ooh, aah!
Ooh, ahh...