The Birdcage (1996) - full transcript

Armand Goldman owns a popular drag nightclub in South Miami Beach. His long-time lover, Albert, stars there as Starina. "Their" son Val (actually Armand's by his one heterosexual fling, twenty years before) comes home to announce his engagement to Barbara Keeley, daughter of Kevin Keeley, US Senator, and co-founder of the Committee for Moral Order. The Senator and family descend upon South Beach to meet Val, his father and "mother." What ensues is comic chaos.

♪ We are family

♪ I got all my sisters with me

♪ We are family

♪ Get up, everybody, and sing

♪ We are family

♪ I got all my sisters with me

♪ We are family

♪ Get up, everybody, and sing

♪ We are family

♪ I got all my sisters with me

♪ We are family

♪ Get up, everybody, and sing

♪ We are family

♪ I got all my sisters with me

Agador, where is Starina?
She goes on in five minutes.

♪ Get up, everybody, and sing

♪ Everyone can see we're together

♪ As we walk on by

♪ And we fly
just like birds of a feather

♪ I won't tell no lie

♪ All of the people around us they say

♪ Can they be that close?

♪ Let me state for the record

♪ We're giving love
in a family dose


The Kennedys are here for supper.
Do we pick up their tab?

- Ted?
- No. Just the younger ones.

Wish we could get Ted.
Give them free coffee.

Leave room for coffee.

Where's Starina?

Agador said she'd be down in five.

♪ We are family

♪ Get up, everybody, and sing

♪ We are family ♪

Okay, let's go.

You look great.

Starina won't go on.
She's a-still in her robe.


I don't know what happened.

Go upstairs. Try to get her ready.
I'll be right up. Go!

She won't.

Merde! Have Carmen get ready to do
Starina's number, just in case.

Honey, please.
You got to get dressed for me.

No, Agador.

Victoria Page will not dance
the Dance of the Red Shoes tonight.

Or any other night.

How 'bout just your stockings, okay?

Victoria Page is dead.

But watch how nice
I'm gonna put it for you.

You know how she died?

Alone... weeping for her lover.

Darling, have you eaten?
You look haggard.

Please! You gotta help me a little.

- What is this?
- Supplements.

I bought them for Armand, but...

...that's all over now.




Where are you?
Albert, come on!

- Open up, Albert, baby.
- Get out!

- Open it, Albert!
- Go away!

I don't want him to see me.
I'm hideous!


- I'm calling 911!
- Agador, abre la puerta!

- Open the door!
- I'm trying, but he's so crazy.


Are you trying to ruin me?

Don't look at me.
I'm hideous!

Hideous! Fat and hideous!

Agador, I'm in such pain.

I know, honey. It's gonna pass.

No! It will never pass.
I hate my life.

Are you crazy?
It's packed out there!

That's all I am to you...
a meal ticket.

- I can't stand this.
- Forget about my feelings.

Forget about my suffering.
It's just about your show.

Not even our show.
Your show.

I want a palimony agreement, now.

I don't have one on me.
Is tomorrow okay?

- Don't use that tone to me.
- What tone?

That sarcastic tone that implies you
know everything because you're a man,

and I know nothing
because I'm a woman.

- You're not a woman.
- Oh, you bastard!

Everybody, take it easy.

Whatever I am, he made me.

I was adorable once,
young and full of hope.

Now, look at me.
I'm this short,

fat, insecure,
middle-aged thing!

I made you short?

What do I do?
The number is nearly over.

Do I send Carmen on for Starina?

We have no choice. Yes.

Not Carmen!
How dare you?

- Do it!
- No! No!

- Cyril, go.
- Please.

I will go on. The people
have come to see Starina.

Starina will not disappoint them,
even in this state.

Put on the mambo number. Have Beatrice
and Dante get the staircase ready.

- My hands are shaking.
- That's okay.

Agador, I need
some Pirin tablets.

- What are you taking?
- Nothing.

Just one, okay?
One before the show,

and one after.
No more, so don't ask.

Thank you, my darling Agador.

I'm gonna put
this here for you.

Ignore the bad things.

This room is so crowded. Can I have
a moment to myself to prepare?

Let's leave her.
Come on.

Why are you giving him drugs?
What the hell are Pirin tablets?

Aspirin, with the "A" and "S"
scraped off.

- What a brilliant idea.
- I know.

I don't believe it!
You're shaving your chest now?

I didn't have time to wax.

Indifference is the most
awful thing in the world.

I've done everything I could
to make myself attractive for you.

I've lost and gained over
a hundred pounds in the last year.

I've yo-yoed from a 16
to a 10 to a 16, and...'ve never said a word.

Not one hint of encouragement,
not one scrap of validation.

If not for the Pirin tablets,
I couldn't go on.

If you don't finish making up,
I'll kill myself.

You don't love me anymore.

Oh, shit.

- There's a man in your life.
- What?

I sense it.

And I saw a bottle of white wine,

chilling in the refrigerator.

I only drink red.

And so do you.

There's no man.

I'm switching to white
because red has tannins.

Now there are 150 people out there,
half of them Kennedys, waiting for you.

Waiting to applaud you.
To applaud the great Starina.


- What do you do while I'm on stage?
- Nothing. I lie here.

Where do you go while I'm killing
myself on stage? I know that look.

Go ahead, hit me. Go on.

That's what you want to do.
Do it. Hit me.

Go on, hit me.

♪ La virgen lloraba

♪ La virgen lloraba ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
the one, the only,

the incomparable Starina.

Thank you and
welcome to The Birdcage.

As you see, I've just gotten back
from safari. I picked up a new muff.

Look, it comes with accessories.

Don't look at me like that.
I didn't kill him.

He died and left me everything.

Oh, where are the couple
celebrating their anniversary?

Mon congrats, you sweeties.

I may have something
to celebrate myself very soon.

I think I have found the one.


You know I hate to brag, but...

♪ I knew this grocery clerk

♪ Unprepossessing

♪ Some think the boy's a jerk...

Excuse me.

What do you think?

You look like Lucy's stunt double.

I'm a combination of Lucy and Ricky.

And it's terrifying.
Get out the white wine,

chill two glasses
and take the night off.

Why you talk to me
like I'm your servant?

Because you're
our faithful houseman.

My father was the
shaman of his tribe,

my mother was the high priestess.

Then why did they
move to New Jersey?

I don't know. They so stupid.
They want me to have a career.

Hello? A career? When you gonna
let me audition for you again?

When you have talent.

Now take off the wig
or I'll tell Albert you wore it.

You do that, I'm gonna tell him you're
seeing someone while he's on stage.

I have two words for you: Green Card.

Now go! And leave
the front door unlocked.

You're such a beast to everybody.

Come on, Gloria.


You keep getting better looking.

Thank you. So do you.

Oh, no. Really?

I feel bloated.

- You think I look good?
- You look great.

That's very sweet.

I'm glad you cut your hair.

- Did you eat?
- Yes.

Something to drink?

- Beer, if you have it.
- I do not. Talk about bloat.

White wine.


- How long has Albert been on?
- He just went on.

I gave Agador the night off.

So we're all alone.

As requested.

Since when do you like beer?

So, I have something to tell you.

But I don't want you
to get how you get.

Oh, God.

I'm getting married.

I didn't want to tell you
over the phone.

It's a girl.
I met her at school.

It's this wonderful...
Are you upset?

Let me tell you why.

First, you're only 20.

Pop, I know I'm young.

But... you've always said I was
a very level-headed guy. And I am.

I have job offers, I know what I want.
And I have an incredible role model.

- Oh, please.
- It's true.

I'm the only guy in my fraternity
who isn't from a broken home.

Stop flattering me.
It's cheap.

Is it all right, Dad?

Does it matter?

Of course it does.

Say it's okay, before Albert
arrives and starts screaming.

I can't. And I won't.

This is too crazy.

You do this, you're on your own.
Got that, sport?

Don't come back,
don't ask me for anything.

- I want nothing to do with it.
- Okay.

- If that's how you feel.
- I do.

- Fine. Goodbye, Pop.
- Goodbye, son.

- You called my bluff.
- It was good.

- Really?
- Not bad.

I got backed off on a little bit.

Tell me it's all right.

It's all right. I always dreamed you
would. Just not so soon.

Come on. Drop your bags,
stay a while.

Let's drink a toast
to this catastrophe.

I'm kidding.

It's all right.

What's the young lady's name?


Are you crazy? Forget it.

Married? You're not even 18!

Who is this boy, Barbie?
When did you last see him?

Don't call me Barbie. Today at two.
We've been sleeping together for a year.

Oh, God! Has he been tested?

- Oh, Kevin!
- Yes, and so have I.

This has to wait until after the

Where does the young man come from,
Barbie... ra? Who is his father?

His father is in the arts.
He's on the Council of Cultural Arts.

Did they fund the
Mapplethorpe exhibit?

No! Goodness, no.
He's a cultural attache to Greece.


What the hell is that?

That's kind of a diplomatic post.
It's a sort of an ambassador.

What does the mother do?

She's a housewife.

That's so refreshing,
isn't it, Kevin?

I can't talk about this now.

- Hello.
- You all right?

Yes. I just told them.

Me, too. And my father is

very excited. He's raising his glass
to toast us right now.

I'm going to put him on.
Yes. Take it.

- You said his parents were in Greece.
- Dad, get off the phone!

Take it.

Hello, Barbara.

Here's to your future.

Shit! No, dear,
that was not my toast.

I broke my glass. I'm sorry.

That's okay.

It was nice talking to you.
We'll talk again soon.

How dare you eavesdrop?!

- You said his parents were in Greece.
- They are.

You saw this boy at two o'clock today and
now he's in Greece with his parents?



They're back for the winter.

They're at their home in South Beach.

Is that like Palm Beach?

It's close. It's about two minutes
from where Jeb Bush lives.



- Wait.
- Who is he?

Who? Where's your little chippie?

Will you stop screaming?
It's Val.


He's asleep in his room
if you don't believe me.

Why didn't you tell me?


- Mornin', Albert.
- Good morning!

What beautiful flowers!

- Morning, Albert.
- Good morning.

We have nice, fresh lobster
this morning, Albert.

No, thank you, Mr. Lopez.
Not today. The piglet is home.

You want the cake delivered?

Yes, please. And remember to write
"To my Piglet, from his Auntie" on it.

You got it.

Thank you, Mr. Boynton.
I want to get back before he wakes up.

I'll just try this sample.

Chocolate schnecken.

A triumph. Well, bye-bye.

Perhaps one more schnecken. Do you
mind? When the schnecken beckons...

- Good morning.
- Not yet.

What is this, sludge?

Yes. I thought it would make
a nice change from coffee.

Why don't you tell me
Val was coming, you bad man?

I would not have been
so sassy to you.

Will you put some clothes on?

Why don't you let me
be in the show?

Are you afraid
of my Guatemalanness?

Your what?

My Guatemalanness.
My natural heat.

You're afraid I'm too primitive

to perform with your
little estrogen Rockettes.

You're right.
I'm afraid of your heat.

Here I am.

The bag lady.
Good morning, Agador.

Wash those, will you? They're
delivering the rest around noon.

Good morning.

My God, that beard!

- Here you go.
- Thank you, dear.

Turkish coffee.


- Is Val still asleep?
- Mmm-hmm.

He must be exhausted, poor baby.
You should have told me he was coming.

I'm so ashamed of how I acted.
But how could I know?

The truth is, you hate sharing your son
with me. You're always pushing me away.

Oh, will you look at this shin?
It's a rag!

No matter how many shirts I send him,
he only wears this one.

You look awful.
What's wrong?

Val's getting married.

Don't be silly.
I got pork roast for dinner.

I wanted to get fillet mignons,
but they're so expensive.

What do you mean, married?

You know what I mean.

- I don't understand.
- Yes, you do.

To some girl he met at school.

Oh, no! Oh, but...

He's just a baby.
He'll ruin his life!

We've been all
through that, okay?

He's getting married, no matter what
we say. The less said, the better.

Oh, my God.

I woke up feeling so good.

Now, all of a sudden, I feel... funny.

Just breathe.
Let it go.

Oh, you've heard.

Oh, Value! Oh, my God,
this ¡s such a shock.

I'm not saying anything.
I promised your father.

But at 20, if you throw yourself
away on some dormitory slut,

you'll be sorry the rest of your life.
There! Enough said. Subject closed.

Hey, hey!

Well, don't just stand there.
Give me a kiss!

Or are you too grown-up
for that now?

Hello, Albie.

Oh, Armand, our baby is going to leave
us. And we won't have any others.

Not without a miracle.

When Senator Keeley and I founded
the Coalition for Moral Order,

it was to express moral,
rather than political, views.

What Senator Jackson
is trying to say is that

morality is political.

Abortion, same-sex marriage...

It's a wonderful show.

The most intelligent one
on television.

Pornography would not exist

if politicians didn't
make laws to protect them.

That's why both houses
are now Republican.

It's the perfect platform.

I'm glad I got on Jackson's bandwagon
instead of Dole. Dole is just too...


I was going to say liberal,
but he's dark, too.

I gotta fire this woman.

This young man Barbie
wants to marry...

Miss Porter, page two,

paragraph two,
it's "porno," not "pronto."

I wonder if he's old money.
I mean, a cultural attaché.

Your campaign manager is calling.
He says he's got to talk to you.

Thank you, Bridget.

Hello, Ben.

Ready for what?


What's wrong, Kevin?

Jackson's dead.

Oh, my God.

He died in bed?
Whose bed?

A prostitute?

A minor?
And black?

I don't believe this. I don't
fucking believe this! I'm ruined!

You cannot be held responsible
for Senator Jackson's private life.

I'm the Vice President of the
Coalition for Moral Order.

My co-founder just died in the bed
of an underage black whore!

Wait until the media finds out!


I could really use some candy!

You want one of these?

Oh, this.

My baby.

♪ Why does it seem

♪ So real to me?

Albert, you're driving me crazy.

I know, but...

Penmanship award.

There's the bar mitzvah.

Time passes so quickly.

Well, he looked kind of funny,
but he was smiling, so I didn't worry.

How do they get them on so quickly?

They pay.

They're not mentioning you much.

It's early.

Senator Jackson's last
words tonight on Inside Edition.

Can you get a good
shot of the house?

We may not make the live shot.
If we must, I'll do a stand-up.

"He looked kind of funny..."

"...but he was smiling,
so I didn't worry."

Yeah, we got a good spot. I don't know
if he's going to... Excuse me.

Why don't you set up there? Figure
you'll get part of the house and me...

I don't know if he'll come out.

Where's Dad?

He snuck out to meet with his advisers.
They wouldn't come here.

I shouldn't have let him go.
How will he get back in?


Mom, I have something to tell
you about Val's parents.

They can't blame us for this.

Eli Jackson was a common redneck.
We never saw him socially.

They can understand that, can't they?
Thank goodness they're not snobs.


What are you doing here?

I came through the orchard,
over the barn.

You could have fallen.

I did! I'm a wreck. This thing
is all anyone can talk about.

There may be a solution.

What, death?
It didn't work for Jackson.

What about a wedding?
A big, white wedding.

What wedding?
Who's getting married?

No, no!

Why not?
It would restore your image.

A wedding is hope. And a white wedding
is family and morality and tradition.

And it would be such
a special marriage.

The son of a cultural attaché,
a sort of a diplomat, really,

who doesn't look down on us
because of Senator Jackson,

willingly joining our family. It'd mean
the cover of People, Time and Newsweek.

Love and optimism
versus cynicism and sex!

It would be an affirmation! We could get
the Pope's blessing. It's not hard.

No, he's too controversial.
What about Billy Graham?

No, he's too liberal.

Where's the candy?

You've had enough candy.

This boy... what's his father's name?

Armand... Coleman.

I wonder if they're
related to Tish and Bobo Coleman.

- Are they from Boston?
- I don't think so.

I think we should go to South Beach.
We should have dinner...

We'll have dinner with them
and stay with the Bushes.

Mr. and Mrs. Armand Coleman
of Greece and South Beach.

♪ What is this dream I see?

♪ Why does it seem so real

♪ To me?

♪ What if this dream turns out to be

♪ More than a dream?

Fairy dust, fairy dust, fairy dust.

♪ Come, little dream and play

♪ Don't be afraid

♪ Don't fade away

♪ Quick, little dream

♪ Before you're gone

♪ Let's get it on

♪ You... Oh!

I saw that.

Well, this is impossible.
Either I'm an artist

or I'm just some cheap drag queen
trying to get laughs.

Let's just get through it.

I have to understand
every nuance of a song.

I have to give my all. Everyone else can
just "get through it." He's chewing gum.

Chewing gum helps me think.

Sweetie, you're wasting your gum.

Let's keep going.
And no more talking... from anyone.

- I need to talk to you.
- Sit.

- It's important.
- Quiet. He's rehearsing.

♪ And I the dreamer

♪ Each night anew

♪ Tell me, my dream

♪ Are you a dreamer, too?

What is it?

- Can you come upstairs with me?
- No. Not right now.

Did you see what he just did?
Hello, Vallie, darling.

- What did he do?
- He blew a bubble.

He can't do that while I'm singing!

Celsius, look, this may
be a drag show,

but it still has be a good drag show.
If possible, a great one.

Just because you're
22 and hung...

I'll do this, Albert.

- You're the director.
- Thank you.

This is a complex number,
full of mythic themes.

The woman who is singing
invented you.

You are her fantasy. Suddenly,

you, the fantasy, see her, your
inventor, and she becomes your fantasy.

- I don't get it.
- Try more gum.

- Albert.
- I hear you.

Thank you. I know you do.

Celsius, let's
start with the premise

that when you see this stunning,
smoldering creature,

she transcends your desire to chew.
She electrifies you!

Something starts in your pelvis
and goes to your heart,

where it becomes heart/pelvis.

- Pop?
- Yes? Coming!

What do I do?
Stand here like an object?

No. You do an eclectic
celebration of the dance!

You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! Or Martha
Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham!

Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael
Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd!

Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!
But you keep it all inside.

Work on that. I'll be right back.
It's looking wonderful.

Barbara's coming with her parents.

- When?
- Tomorrow.

That's plenty of time.

There's more. There's a lot more.


No. Let's hear it.
I have to get back to rehearsal.

Dad, Barbara's father is a senator,
a conservative senator.

He's running for re-election.
And she told him...'re the cultural attache to
Greece and Albert is a housewife.


She had to. He founded
the Coalition for Moral Order.

I don't care who he is.
I don't want to be someone else.

Do you want me to be?

No, no. Of course not.
And neither does she. But...

Dad, he's Kevin Keeley.

Who's Kevin Keeley?

Do you ever read the newspapers?

Of course. Variety, the Arts and Leisure
section of the Times...

What don't I know?
Are you marrying some Nazi?

No. He's conservative,
like half of America is conservative.

And I'm marrying her, not him.

- I need your help.
- Not for this.

- You've done it before.
- Lied about who I am? Never.

When I started Edison Park,
remember what you said?


You said if Miss Donovan asked,
I should say you were a businessman.

You were a baby, and she was
a small-minded idiot.

I didn't want you to get hurt.

It's different now.
You're a man.

I can still get hurt.

It would mean everything to
me if you would help us.

It's just for one night.

This is insane.
What do I do, close the club

so I can pretend to be a cultural
attache, whatever that is?

And what about Albert? How do you make
Albert into a housewife?

Well, you'd have to
send him away.

Are you nuts?
You try sending Albert away.

We'd never get him past the Keeleys.
Dad, we have to rid of a few things.

What things?

Well, that, for example.

That's a classic.

And this.

The Kirby?
That's art!

And how about that?

That better?

Look, it's not just
one or two things, okay?

It's everything.

We're gonna have to tone
this down a little.

Just make it a bit more
like other people's homes.

I see. So we need a total redecoration,
so we can be more like other people.

And you're going to
have to try to,

you know, change your
mannerisms a little.

- What are you saying?
- Just be a little less obvious.

I'm obvious?


I just had the walls
sponge-painted, Val.

You better come downstairs.
She's trying to take his gum away.

I'll be right down.

Yes, I wear foundation.
Yes, I live with a man.

Yes, I'm a middle-aged fag.

But I know who I am, Val.
It took me 20 years to get here.

I won't let some
idiot senator destroy that.

Fuck the Senator.
I don't give a damn what he thinks.

We're still outside the home
of Senator Kevin Keeley,

co-founder of the Coalition...

...waiting for Senator Jackson's
colleague, Senator Kevin Keeley.

At this point, we don't know
if the Senator is at home...

Earlier reports placed him
at the home of Senator Robert Dole.

We're here at what
they're calling Camp Keeley,

waiting for the Senator to appear.

The Senator was co-founder
of the Coalition for Moral Order

with Senator Eli Jackson.

The Senator has been besieged here,
outside his palatial estate... a virtual army of media, waiting
for his comment on the events of late.

Where you driving him?

South Beach, Florida.

There have been a lot of
tasteless jokes going around

about the death
of Senator Jackson.

And here's another one.

Join Jay on
The Tonight Show

with guests Yassir Arafat
and Kate Moss.

This is unbearable.

Kevin, no!

I'm going down the ladder.
I can't face the press.

Have the chauffeur
pick me up by the orchard.

No! I don't want
to go out there alone!

Barbara will be with you.
It's not you they're after.


I'm going the back way.

What about your announcing Barbara's
wedding to the Coleman boy?

Wait till we meet them.
What if they change their mind?

Let go of my coat.
I'll meet you in the car.

- He's leaving his home.
- Senator Keeley!

Senator, will this cost you votes?

What's the future of the Coalition?

What about the rumors Senator
Jackson was on lithium?

Uh, gentlemen... and ladies,

I am, as are all my colleagues,

Republican and Democrat,
liberal and conservative alike,

stunned and saddened
by the circumstances surrounding

the death of Senator Jackson,
as well as the death itself.

My family and I are leaving
town for a few days,

uh, for reasons that I cannot, uh..., um, plan an event.

An event which, uh,
I cannot, uh...

...which may perhaps
heal some of the...

...bad, uh, things, that...

...Senator Jackson's demise
has made us all... feel.

Where are you going, Senator?

Where? To our farm. That's all
I'm going to say at this time.

- Did you know the girl?
- Where is the farm?

Goddamn it.

What did I do?

We're redoing the apartment
for tomorrow night. Goddamn it.

This is for the in-laws, right?

Right. We gotta get rid of everything
that's over the top.

That's a lot.

You'll have to get a uniform
and dress like a butler.

No. I'm gonna look like a fag.

But you'll look like
a fag in a uniform.

Don't ask, don't tell.

Stan tomorrow morning.
I'll get Albert out early.

Where will
I get a uniform?

I'll say, "Albert,
you must go away for a few days."

- Ay, Dio.
- It'll be hard.

I got so much to do.


Thank you.

Do me a favor, Val.
Don't talk to me for a while.

Kevin, please,
let's charter a plane.

No. We can't get out of the car. Once
we get out of the car, we'll be spotted.

Howl love the sun.

Yes, it's glorious, isn't it?

You know, you could use some more sun.
Take a few days off. You look tired.

What do you mean?


Don't kill yourselves.

Who put Playboy in the bathroom?

It's what they read.

Don't add. Just subtract.

Please hurry. This place
has to look respectable by six.

Cyril, that's too short.

I want that nice Armani
break in the front.

But don't just pull it. Do it down
there. I got highwaters here.

That's it.

- But you must have meant something.
- I meant you looked tired.

Tired means old. "You look tired"
means "you look old."

"You look rested"
means you had collagen.

You look wonderful.
Let's go window shopping.

No, I want to go home.

On a day like this?
I'll buy you anything you want.

I'll have to change my shoes.

I'll buy you some.
- I need peds.

- I'll buy you sandals.
- Armand! What's going on?

- Why can't we go home?
- Nothing. Nothing.

Then I'll see you upstairs.


- I hurt my thing.
- Your what?

My ankle. I don't think
I can make it upstairs.

- I'll bring down some ice.
- No, no!

Why not?!
Ow, my arm!

My arm. I hate it
when you get hysterical.

Don't leave me!

What is that?

I got it from the antique store
next door. Too butch?

Don't add.

you're blocking my way.

Put the moose on the patio.

Don't be such a baby.
Be careful!

- I can't move any faster.
- Lean on me.

I need a doctor.

Don't be silly.
It isn't even swollen.

We should go to the emergency room.

You're overreacting. Don't be
such a baby. Just sit down on...

We've been robbed.

Albie, no. I've just taken
a few things out.

They'll be returned
by the time you're back.


Where am I going?

- You didn't tell him.
- What? Tell me what?

Val's fiancée is coming tonight
with her parents.

We thought...

We thought it would be
better if you weren't here.

I see.

- I see.
- It's just for tonight.

I understand.
Just while people are here.

It's all right, my darling.

It's nothing.
It's painful...

...but it's not important.

- I'm leaving.
- It's just one night, Albert.

The monster...

...the freak is leaving.

You're safe.

That went well.


Will you listen?

Go away. I hate you!
I never want to see you again.

My heart is breaking.

Please don't cry. It's okay.
You can stay.

I won't stay where
I'm not wanted.

Where I can be thrown out on a whim
without legal rights.

I have the palimony papers.

You're lying again.
This is too much for me.

Too much ugliness, too much pain.

Feel my pulse.
Am I all right?

My goodness, it's very fast.
Let's get you out of the sun.

- Waiter! Water.
- Right away.

It's the end.
I know it is.

No, it isn't. Just breathe.

Thank you, Rodrigo.
And the usual.

Right away, Señor Goldman.

There you go.

Thank you. That's better.

This is not about you.
The girl's parents are assholes.

Val is crazy about you.

Is he? Oh, that helps.

Oh, you're so sweet.

That water is so cool.

Maybe it is a bit much to introduce
me as his mother on the first visit.

Could you say I was a
visiting relative?

Val's uncle? Uncle Al?

What's the point?
To be Val's gay uncle?

I could play it straight.

Oh, please. Look at you,
at how you hold your glass.

Look at your pinky,
your posture.

What about you? You're obviously
not a cultural... whatever it is.

You've never been to a museum
and you eat like a pig.

These conservatives don't care
if you're a pig, just if you're a fag.

Oh, fuck 'em. Of course
you can pass as an uncle.

You're a great performer,
I'm a great director.

Together we can do anything.

Oh, Armand. Really?

We've got five hours.

First, get your pinky down.
It's up again.

And your posture.

My God! Are you crazy?
What are you doing?

Stop screaming!
I'm teaching you to act like a man.

All right, all right.

It's a dinner party,
let's work with food.

Spread some mustard
on the toast.

Don't use the spoon. And
don't dribble dots of mustard.

You take your knife...

...and you smear.
Men smear.

Smear. Yeah.

Get the goddamn pinky down! Make
your fingers like iron. Stop trembling!

Hold the knife boldly, with strength.

Oh, God!
I pierced the toast!

So what? Just remember not to go
to pieces when that happens.

React like a man, calmly.

You say to yourself, "Albert, you
pierced the toast. So what?"

It's not the end of your life.

"Albert, you pierced the toast.
So what?"

Of course. There's no
need to get hysterical.

All I have to remember is,
I can always get more toast.

That's the spirit.
Let's try walking.

- Holding the sandwich?
- It doesn't matter. Just walk.


Too swishy?

Let me give you an image.

It's a cliché, but it's an image.
John Wayne.

Oh, God! Couldn't we start
with someone easier?

Come on. You're a big fan.

He has a very distinctive walk.

Very easy to imitate. And if anyone
was a man... Now try it.

Now just get off your horse
and head into the saloon.

Nice touch.

Howdy, ma'am.

No good?

Actually, it's perfect. I never
realized John Wayne walked like that.

Hang on.

This guy's a fucking maniac.

What's in South Beach?

Armand Goldman,
you old so-and-so.

How about those Dolphins?

Screaming queen?

The hand goes sideways, not palm down.
I'm shaking it, not kissing it.

Tighten your wrist.

No, straighten it, then tighten it.

Al, you old so-and-so.

- I just said that.
- Now I'm saying it.

Okay. Straighten, tighten.

Al, you old son of a bitch!
How do you feel about that call today?

The Dolphins, in the fourth on their
30-yard line with only 34 seconds to go.

How do you think I feel?
Betrayed. Bewildered.

Wrong response?

I'm not sure.
Take it from the top.

This is very exciting.

- It is, fella.
- Right on, amigo!

- Damn straight.
- Damn straight!

- Fuckin' A!
- Fuckin' A, right!

Swing that by me again,
little buddy.

- I'm terribly sorry.
- Take it easy.

You take it easy, pilgrim.

- He bumped into me.
- Tough gazongas.

Why are you being a prick?

Why are you being an asshole?

Are you calling me an asshole?

Actually, I'm talking to
the asshole behind you.

See, the swelling's already
gone down. It's nothing.

You were magnificent,
marvelous, very masculine.

I'm so proud of you.

That big gorilla looked ridiculous
when he sat on you

and banged your head on the ground.
He didn't even know how to box!

Thank you, Value.
You're a dear.

I'll get you some more ice.
Be right back, love.

Dad, could we hire a straight maid
for tonight?

There are no straight
maids in South Beach.

And I have more bad news for you.

I told Albert he could stay.

You did what? Why?

Why? Because he told me
his heart was breaking

and he's my friend
and companion.

Who will we say he is?

Your uncle.

My uncle?

Let's just forget
the whole thing.

Don't be so negative!
Have a little hope!

About what? Once they see you
and Albert together...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I was feeling so good, and now...

God, what a mess.

We need a woman.

We can pass Albert off as an uncle
if we have a woman as a mother.

Ironic, isn't it?
When you need a woman...

Why don't I ask your mother?

My mother wouldn't do it.
Would she?

- How do we know?
- 'Cause she hasn't seen me in 20 years.

No. 20 years ago, she was
a young girl, scared, broke. Now...

You can't be serious!

It's very unfair of you to try to talk
Val into this. He has every reason...

You think she'd do it?

My mother?

Oh, my God. Armand?

I don't believe it.
It's been 100 years. Where are you?

I'll be there in five minutes.

I can hardly wait.

Me, too. Bye-bye.

She's gonna see me.

Why don't I drop you
off at a café?

No, I'll come up with you.
I'm sure there's a waiting room.

Hello. Katharine Archer, please.
It's Armand Goldman.

Go right in.

Thank you.

Just sit!

Excuse us.

Army Goldman.

Katie Archer.
Or is it Mrs. something?

No. I'm between husbands.
Sit down.

I've thought about
you so many times.

Whenever I saw an ad for The Birdcage.
Are you still with Albert?

Yes, we're still together.

And you...'ve done well.

The money you gave me
started this place.

You should have
gotten stock for it.

I got Val for it.
It was a fair trade.

Is he...?

How is he?

He's fine.
He wants to get married.

Married? How old is he?

- 20.
- 20?

My God, 20 years.

And today, for the first time,
he really needs you.


Imelda, cancel
my appointments for tonight.

I normally drink vegetable juice
during business hours, but for this...

...let's drink to Senator Keeley's
daughter and our Val.

I haven't done much for him
in the last 20 years.

Don't worry about that.

I'm not exactly maternal.

I am.

I'm very maternal.

And Albert's practically a breast.

Do you remember the show
where we met?

Very well.

♪ Love is in the air

♪ Different kinds

♪ Quite clearly,
people everywhere

♪ Out of their minds

♪ Act queerly...

Wait, wait.

♪ Wives are at their husbands' service

♪ Virgins are distinctly nervous...

♪ Virgins are distinctly nervous

♪ Love is going around ♪

Aye, for the gypsy.

How handsome you were.

How unavailable, and what a body.

You're embarrassing me.

You were so terrified.
It was so sweet.

I nearly died. I walk into my room
and there's a woman in my bed!

I paid the doorman 20 dollars.

20 dollars in those days.

Oh, God.
I thought, "What the hell?"

"I'll try it once and see what those
straight guys are raving about."

- How long did we last?
- I know exactly.

From 2:30 till 3:45 a.m.
Two times.

- ♪ Love is in the air
- ♪ Round and about

♪ This morning, bachelors beware

- ♪ Maidens watch out
- ♪ Fair warning

♪ If you start to feel a tingle
and you like remaining single

♪ Stay... Oh, that's your part.

♪ Stay home Don't take a breath

♪ You could catch your death

♪ 'Cause love is around I


You're in incredible shape.
And you still can dance.

So can you, Armand.

Thank you. That's so cool.

Where did all this hair come from?
Wasn't your chest smooth?

I shaved it for the show.
I wanted to look young.

It's much nicer this way,
much more masculine.

So much hair.

Let me touch it.

What a beautiful chain.

Look how it glitters in that thick,
black nest of hair.

Unbutton your shirt.

- Careful, it's silk.
- Let me touch that chest.

- You'll pull a thread.
- Your beautiful, hairy chest.

Excuse me...

I'm sorry, I couldn't stop him.


- Is Albert here?
- No.

Great. Then he's driving back
from Miami at 2O miles an hour

with the parking brake on.
I had to take the bus.

Are we crucifying someone tonight?

You like it? I traded
that stupid moose for it.

And they threw in books.
It all goes back tomorrow.

Dad, is my mother coming?

Yes, she's coming.

Yes. Thank you.

There. You see?
It all worked out.

I'm only here to get
my toothbrush.

Agador, will you?
It's in the usual place.

I would have loved to
see your children.

Why don't you hold the crucifix?
It's the prop for martyrs.

Oh, yes. Another gibe,
another joke at my expense.

You and Katharine were probably
laughing at me, too.

Well, why not? I'm not young.
I'm not new

and everyone laughs at me.

I'm quite aware of
how ridiculous I am.

The only solution is to go
where nobody is ridiculous,

where everyone is equal.

Goodbye, Armand.

Wait, Miss Albert!
Don't forget this.

Listen, I don't want you to go.

My poor,
devoted Agador.

I'm leaving you my stereo... red boots...
- I don't want them.

- ...and my wigs.
- Which wigs?

My best wigs.
I won't need them where I'm going.

Okay, I'll bite.

Where are you going?

To Los Copa.

Los Copa? There isn't anything
in Los Copa but a cemetery.

I know. That's why I'm packing light.

- A Dio.
- I see.

You're going to the cemetery
with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.

Goodbye, Armand.

Miss Albert, wait! Don't!


It'll be better without an uncle.

What did you do to him?
He goes to a cemetery!

- Pull yourself together!
- Why?

Because you have to start
cooking dinner.

I'm going after fucking Albert.

Can you...

You can cook, right?

Your father seems to think so.

My cemetery is in Key Biscayne.

It's one of the
prettiest in the world.

There are lovely trees,
the sky is blue, there are birds.

The one in Los Copa is really shit.

What a pain in the ass you are.

It's true. You're not young
and you're not new,

and you do make people laugh.

I'm still with you
because you make me laugh.

So now I have to sell my plot in Key
Biscayne so I can be next to you

in that shithole Los Copa,
so I never miss a laugh.


What's this?

Read it.

I don't understand.

It's the palimony agreement.
I told you I had it.

It says I have the right to give you
half of everything I own.

It's safer, if something happens
to one of us.

But who owns it now?

You do.

Well, I... I don't want it.

Then give me half.

Quick, give me a pen.
I don't want all of this, Armand.

Sign it.

There, we're partners.

You own half of my life
and I own half of yours.

Half of the club?

What does it matter?
Take it all.

I'm 50 years old.

There's one place I call home
and it's because you're there.

What difference does it make if I say
you can stay or you say I can stay?

It's ours.

Hello. She's gone, Mr. Goldman.
But she always checks in.

Sure, I'll take a message.

Go ahead.

Don't come...

The Reverend Al Sharpton
said today that

Jackson's last words, "Your money's
on the dresser, Chocolate" were racist.

The prostitute's given name
was Natumbundra...

That idiot Jackson!
Now the Blacks will start.

Barbara's wedding will disassociate
us from all this, really.

The Cole mans are a perfect family.
They've never been divorced, have they?

- No.
- See? We're on our way to salvation.

And it was a question
of Albert or your mother.

So I had to choose.

And I chose Albert.

You understand that, don't you?

I knew you would.

I can't get this damn tie even.

Well, the jacket will cover it.

I look like my grandfather
in this suit.

He always dressed like this.
He killed himself at 30.

Any last instructions?

No. Just don't walk
unless you have to.

Try not to gesture.

- Is that all?
- Don't talk... too much.

Who cares?
This won't work.

Come on! Don't be so negative.
I think we can pull this off.


No good?

Why? I'm dressed just
the way you are.

I took off all my rings.

I'm not wearing any makeup.

I'm just... a "guy"

What about those?

Those? Well, one does want
a hint of color.

You're thinking that
dressed this way,

I'm even more obvious,
aren't you?

You're right.

I just wanted so much to help you.

And you hate me.

You both hate me.

Oh, God...

We don't hate you.

♪ ...better treat me right

♪ She works hard for the money

♪ So hard for it, honey

♪ I work hard for the money
so you better treat me right

♪ That's right ♪

Better put your shoes on, it's late.

There's no point in my
putting shoes on, sir.

I never wear shoes
because they make me fall down.

Just put your shoes on!

And talk in your normal voice.
Give me a break.



Armand, it's Katharine.

I'm in the car and I got
a message telling me not to come.

And I wanted to check...

No, that was a mistake. He said
not to come late. I was there.

I thought my secretary got it wrong.

I should be there in half an hour.

Is this Val?


Val, I want you to know how...

...happy I am
that I can do this for you.

I know it's a little late.

No, it's fine.

Thanks for this.

So, um, see you in half an hour...



Did you just say,
"See you in half an hour, Mom"?

- Was that...?
- Yes.

You can't call her back.
She's in the car.

Are you crazy?

Albert is hysterical now.

You know what he'll do
if Katharine comes?

He won't embarrass me.

It was my mother.
I couldn't tell her not to come.

Pop, without her, I'm screwed.
You know that.

So this is hell.
And there's a crucifix in it.

This is less like Palm Beach
than I imagined.

It was all sand when
they bought here.

This grew up around them
while they were in Greece.

He's locked himself in. If we're lucky
he won't come out at all.

I'm not religious and I'm Jewish.

But if things go well,
I'd appreciate it.

Speaking of Jewish. Barbara told
her parents our last name is Coleman.




It's the shoes.

Good evening. I am Spartacus,
the Goldmans' butler.

Please, come... come in.

Is that Goldman?

Coldman, Coldman.
Spartacus is, uh...

- Guatemalan.

Val, this is my
father and my mother.

This is Val Coleman.

Coleman or Cold man?

The "D" is silent.

- My father.
- How do you do?

- My daughter, Barbara.
- Delighted.

- My husband.
- Extremely honored.

You have a very
forceful handshake.

You have to in Greece.

My mother won't be here
for another 15 minutes.

She's with my grandparents
in Palm Beach.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Having contact between
the generations.

Yes. Won't you come in?

How's the leg?
My father has an old football injury.

A fellow sufferer.
Where did you play?

- Greece.
- Miami U.

What an interesting room.

Don't you think this room is nice?

Well, yes.
A very, very...

...pleasant vacation house.
I like its, uh, severity.

Dad uses this place more for work and...
reflection than anything else.

So it's not so much
a vacation house as a...


Well, it's just charming.

And look at these lovely old books.

Look at this.

Nancy Drew and the Case
of the Burning Candle.

You have the whole series.

- Uh, they're my mother's.
- Sit down!


Shall we have champagne
to celebrate?

Oh, how nice.

- Agador!
- Spartacus!

Agador Spartacus! He insists
on being called by his full name.

We'd like the champagne now.

Over there?
Okay, thanks.

God bless you.

They went in around the corner.

That's the side entrance
to this building.

Let's check it out.

You have such a responsibility,
two houses.

When did you buy this one?

About 15 years ago.
The area was mostly Jewish then.

Really? Barbara told us
it was mostly sand.

Yes. Well, you know the old saying.
"Where there's sand..."

Here we go.
Champagne for everyone.

And a Scotch, if you have it.

Is someone else home?

Just our dog, Piranha. We always
lock her in when there's company.

I'll finish pouring.
Go take care of dinner.

He's a brilliant chef. He just
has a lot to learn about serving.

Where could the wife be?

It was so weird.

No, it really was.

I was, like, "Will you marry me?"

She was like,
"Didn't you say no way before 30?"

It was so funny.

Yes, it does sound... funny.

How was your trip, Senator?

A nice trip. Very nice.

We decided to drive down
to see the seasons change.

It was a long trip, though.
Virginia, Kentucky,



It was just so magical to come
from the north, where it's cold... the south, where it's warm...

...and see the tremendous differences
from region to region,

in this incredible country of ours.

My wife and I used to go to Virginia

every autumn to see
the foliage turn.

Virginia has amazing foliage,

although I do think that the foliage
in Ohio is underrated.

It's just dazzling along I-75.

Just dazzling.

We would go down to Virginia,
to get away for a while.

To see the wonderful farms,
the countryside.

I'm stuck in traffic.

Start dinner without me.

The hills, the mountains.

Talk about "purple
mountains majesty."

Just fantastic.

Red leaves, purple mountains... fields.

And the roads. Black...

...cutting through the green.

All the colors.

The trees.

Pennsylvania's nice, too.

Was that my wife?

Just now on the phone?

I think it was.
I was just so caught up.

Val, was that Mom?

Yeah. She's stuck.

We're to start dinner without her.

I would have picked up,
but I was so interested

in the Senator's... story.

Oh, it wasn't that good.

It was wonderful.

Will you excuse me? I should tell
Agador Spartacus this news.

Would you excuse us?

I've never had so much
go so wrong so quickly.

This is like a curse.

Dad, what do we do?
Do we wait for her or do we...

- You're soaking!
- I'm sweating like some farm animal.

- I can't do this.
- We can do this! Work with me.

Something very odd is going on.

It's this thing with Jackson.

The wife doesn't want to see us
and the father's a wreck.

I'm sure that's not it.

No, it's something else. Something
about the father and the butler.

- It's nothing!
- It is something.

It's not! You always think the worst.

- I do not!
- You always do!

Val's mother is just late.

She's just a little late!

- Watch yourself, young lady!
- Here they come.

Excuse me.

Well, we'll...

Let's give her half an hour
and then if she isn't...

Here I am!

Oh, please,

forgive me for being so late,
but traffic was unbelievable!

Senator Keeley, Mrs. Keeley,

I'm so happy to meet you at last.

You must be Barbara.

What a pretty child.

Come give me a hug.

Don't be afraid.

Oh, how adorable.
She's shy.

How nice to meet you,
Mrs. Coleman.


Isn't the "D" silent?

It is pronounced Coleman, isn't it?
We've had some confusion.

Oh, yes. Coleman.

The "D" is silent in America.

It's Cole d'Isle au Man,
or Cole of the Isle of Man in France

where Armand's chateau is,

Cole d'man in Greece
where Armand's work is,

and finally, the vulgar Coleman
in Florida, where Armand's home is.

So, we never know where we are until
we hear our last name pronounced.

- Oh, that explains it.
- At last.

I think I would like to hug you,
Mrs. Coleman.

Oh, my dear child. Welcome.

Look at this.

This is our footage for the show
on Jackson. Pump up the sound.

We're here at what
they're calling Camp Keeley...

Where you driving him?

South Beach, Florida.

Where'd we get this?

Keeley's house last night.
The fat guy,

is with the National Enquirer.
Harry Rad man.

Oh, yeah. My God, he's put on so much
weight since the Simpson case.

This should go to the network.

It's so wonderful what you've done here.
Everything is so simple and uncluttered.

Our house is a sea of papers.
You men.

You're the biggest babies.
They can run the world,

but can't pick out a tie.

I know. I can't get this big lug
to buy a new suit.

Armand, they're picking on us.

Oh, well...

...bless them.
That's the way nature made them.

Maybe I'm just an old-fashioned girl,

but I pity the woman who's too busy
to take care of her man.

Hear, hear! It's so nice
to meet people like you.

Our kind of people.

There's no first name on the bell.

Sure? They can't find them.

What about the name in front
of the club... Goldman? That's close.

You're right.
Wouldn't that be something?

Try Goldman. What was it?

Armand Goldman.

It's so odd to me,
this fuss over school prayer.

As if anyone,
Jews, Muslims, whatever,

would mind if their children
prayed in the classroom.

It's insane.

Thank you, Agador Spartacus!
You may go.

He's very nice,
but such a problem.

We never know
what makes him laugh.

At least he speaks English.

We have been through more chauffeurs
in the last six months...

And the maids we've run through
in the last six years!

- Rodney, Bruno, Chuck...
- Look! You all need more ice.

I have a good feeling
about you people.

Not a lot of clever books
on the shelves,

no fancy art on the walls.

Just the crucifix,

and a lot of good,
warm, family feeling.

This is what Clinton missed
when he started in on school prayer

and gays in the military.

More ice for you.

There's an idiotic issue,
gays in the military!

I mean, those haircuts,
those uniforms, who cares?!

Mom, don't talk about things
you don't know about.

Don't patronize your mother.
She's amazingly intelligent.

- I think homosexuality...
- A lot more ice for you!

More for me, Dad.

...Is one of the things
weakening this country.


That's what I thought until I found
out Alexander the Great was a fag.

Talk about gays in the military!

How about those Dolphins?

I'll get it.

I think we're skirting an issue here
that has Mr. Coleman very nervous.

You must have heard about
how Senator Jackson died.

Oh, that.

Yes, what an ugly story.

Of course, we don't
believe a word of it.

- What do you mean?
- He was obviously framed.

- I, for one, would like an autopsy.
- Mom...

That's just what
Rush Limbaugh said.

Excuse me.

The tension... it's like riding a
psychotic horse toward a burning stable.

Dinner is going to be late, okay?

'Cause you give me
so little time to shop.

Barbara's nice.
I owe it to Val,

growing up the way he did.
It can't have been easy.

I'm sorry to laugh at Miss Albert,
but what is that hairdo?

Fuck it! It's one night.
I can live through it.

Of course, it's wrong
to kill an abortion doctor.

Many pro-lifers, I don't agree with
them, but they feel that if you...

I'm here, son.

...stop the doctors,
you stop the abortions.

That's ridiculous.
The doctors are only doing their jobs.

Better to kill the mothers.
That will stop them.

May I see you a moment, dear?

I know, I know, if you kill the
mother, the fetus dies, too.

But the fetus is going to be aborted,
so let it go down with the ship.

I really must see you now.

Excuse me.

I assure you,

Mother is just following a train
of thought to its logical

yet absurd conclusion.

As Jonathan Swift did
when he suggested

Irish peasants feed
their babies to the rich.

I don't know about Jonathan Swift,
but I know one thing about your mother.

She's a passionate woman
who follows her heart. And I love her.

So Goldman owns the club,

lives above it, owns the
building and he's gay.

We are in Enquirer heaven.

♪ I could have danced all night

♪ I could have danced all night

♪ And still have begged for more

You have a beautiful voice.

♪ I could have spread my wings

♪ And done a thousand things

♪ I've never done before...

Your mother should know
I want a career and marriage.

Barbara, Albert isn't my mother.
He's a drag queen.

That's right, I keep forgetting.

He just sounds so much
like a mother.

♪ I only know

♪ When he began to dance with me

♪ I could have danced, danced, danced

♪ All night ♪


What a lovely voice you have,
Agador Spartacus.

Thank you. Thank you, all.
Dinner is served.

Wonderful. This way, Senator.
You know, I played Eliza in high school.

I'll bet you were lovely.

Go inside. I'll tape a note
to Katharine to the door.

Mrs. Keeley over there,
and the Senator on my right.

Val, over here.
And Barbara, dear, please sit.

You are the most gracious hostess.

Oh, thank you so much.

I'm having such a wonderful time.

This is what I've always dreamed of:

a big, loving family
gathered around the table,

the way it was when I was a girl.

That's the way we grew up, too.

It was a wonderful world then,
wasn't it? Happy families and

everyone speaking English
and no drugs and no AIDS.

Easy on the wine, Mom.

What interesting china!

It looks like young men
playing leapfrog.

Is it Greek?

I... I...

...I have no idea.

I've never seen these bowls before.

Really? Barbara,
get me my glasses, dear.

They're in my purse by the chair.

Where are my glasses? It is Greek.

Greek boys, actually.
Uh, naked Greek boys.

And girls!
Doesn't your bowl have girls?

- I have one!
- Mine, too! Oh, look.

There. I think that's a girl.

Then you haven't seen one in a long
time. That's a boy.

I may need glasses,
but I can see that.

I couldn't find your glasses.
Maybe they're in the car.

I have mine. Here.

Hurry, you idiot!
They're looking at the bowls.

How could you put out bowls
without looking at them?!

Stop ladling!
Give me the pot!

- You can't serve out of that!
- Move!

Wait! There's shrimps.

Let's see what
these Greeks are doing.

Here we go.

Agador's superb soup. We're in luck,
he doesn't make this for everyone.

This is his specialty,
seafood chowder.

- Isn't that an egg?
- What?

- An egg.
- Why, yes, it is. It is a huevo.

This is so Guatemala.

They put eggs in
everything down there

because chicken is
so important to them.

It's their only real currency.

A woman is said to be
worth her weight in hens.

A man's wealth is measured
by the size of his cock.

Will you excuse me?

What the hell is this?

Sweet and sour peasant soup.
Why'd you say it was seafood chowder?

- What the hell is that?
- I don't know. I made it up!

God, this is a nightmare.

Where are you
staying in Florida?

With the Jeb Bushes,
on Fisher Island.

Fisher Island.
Such a lovely spot.

My parents lived on Fisher
Island until they died.

I thought you were visiting
your parents in Palm Beach.


Oh, yes, uh... now...

...that they're dead.

They moved...

...were moved... because...


My mother always said,
"Live on Fisher Island,

get buried in Palm Beach,

that way you'll have
the best of Florida."

Dad, get in there.
Everything is going to hell.

He didn't make an entrée.

What? You... you mean
we just have soup?

Peasant soup is an entrée.
It's like stew!

Why do you think I
put so much in it?!

Shut up!

Put Katharine's note
on the downstairs door.

I have to go back before
they get to the bottom of the bowls.

I had so much to do.
You give me no time to shop!

Shut up!

It's okay!
We're all right!

Shut up, goddamn you!
Stop crying! Goddamn you!

Don't just stand there!
She'll be here any minute! Go!

Goddamn it!
Fuck the shrimp!

Oh, my God.
That's it. That's it.

- That's the Lincoln.
- Park here. The street's jammed.

- This is an intersection.
- So? We're the press.

"Katharine, do not go upstairs.
I'll call you tomorrow. Armand."

This is going to be great.

From that day on, they looked
for a cemetery they really loved

instead of eating tofu.

Daddy favored Key Biscayne, but...

Time for dessert.
You get everything done?


Shall we have our coffee
in the living room?

No, it's his town car.
I am looking at it.

We're in the middle of a bunch
of drag clubs. I don't know.

We got authorization.

So, three?

- So, where are they?
- They went around the corner there.

So what do you think of these kids
getting married?

Well, she's only 18
and he's only 20, so I...

Good God. That sounds like
it's coming from downstairs.

It must be coming
from that nightclub on the corner.

This must be the same building.

You're joking! I always thought
that was someone's television set.

Now, Mother, you know
we live above a nightclub.

She's travelled around
the world, but deep down

she's still a girl from
Grover's Corners.

I'm afraid I am a bit naive.

Don't be ashamed of Grover's Corners.

It's not a chateau, but it's a
darn good place to call home.

Thank you.
I will remember that.

Of course, Armand is much more
sophisticated than I am.

But then, he comes
from such good stock.

Just like those two
adorable youngsters.

Don't you agree?

- Where's the bathroom?
- I'll show you.

- No, I want Mother Coleman to show me.
- My dear child!

One kiss, darling.

- I'm only going to the bathroom.
- We'll all go.

I think you're all crazy.

My men!

Isn't this wonderful?
All of us together.

This is so moving,
I think I'm going to cry!

Something very
strange is going on.

I know.

I mean, that dinner.

I know there was something
on those bowls.

And the son disappearing
while we were eating.

I know just what's going on.

It's the oldest story in the world.

What is it?

She's a small town girl...

...and he's a pretentious European,
the worst kind.

Him and his Cole d'whatever.

And his decadent china.
I've seen it all before.

Aristotle Onassis was like this.

And all of the French.
Especially Mitterrand.

And the English.
Not Margaret Thatcher, of course.

But I bet John Major has something
on the side. And she can't handle it.

- Who?
- Mrs. Coleman.

Why should she care
about John Major?

No. Mrs. Coleman
can't handle him.

Coleman and his nasty
little European traditions.

And his snobbery. And that dig
about Grover's Corners.

Kevin, you're rambling.

Well, it makes me furious,
the contempt he has for her.

Did you see him when she talked?
He looked almost frightened.

He won't let her run the house.
He's in the kitchen. He serves.

He tells that beige
savage what to do.


I'm so sorry.
I've ruined everything!

Don't be silly. No-one noticed the wig.
Where's the spirit gum?

They took everything away.

I have a barrette. If you don't move
your head, it might work.

Thank you.
You're a very sweet girl.

I'm so sorry, Val.

You didn't have this kind of sympathy
for poor Bessie Jackson!

Bessie Jackson is an
insensitive cow.

This woman is a lady.
You know, she'll be your in-law, too.

If he's so terrible, maybe your
daughter shouldn't marry his son!

He's not terrible in that way.
He won't get mixed up in some scandal.

- I've never really seen you before.
- What do you mean?

I don't even know who you are!
All you think about is your career.

And poor, little Mrs. Coleman.

Oh, please. You're just as worried
about my career as I am.

You're the one who pushed for the
marriage. Barbara can handle that boy.

She's a modern woman,
tough as nails.

Mrs. Coleman is just
very vulnerable.

It just breaks my heart. They don't
make woman like that anymore.

Hello! I'm home!
I forgot my key.

- Who is it?
- Val's mother, Mrs. Goldman.

Is Armand there?

- Val's mother?
- Mrs. Goldman?

So this is the whole story.
The bastard has a live-in mistress.

- I'll get the door.
- No, you're in the wrong house!

Good evening. May I take your purse,
as usual? Or...

...for the first time.

Thank you.

You must be Senator
and Mrs. Keeley.

Katharine Goldman. Delighted
to meet you. I'm sorry I'm so late...

Sorry to take so long, but Barbara...
What is she doing here?

Let me explain.

Please do.
Explain to all of us.

I don't want to
embarrass this lovely lady,

but how many
mothers does Val have?


This woman introduced
herself as Val's mother.

How many mothers does he have?

Just one.

This is my mother.

My father owns the club downstairs.
My mother is the star.


We lied to you, Barbara and I.
And everyone lied for us.

These are my parents.

This is my wife.

This is the lady who had Val.

Nice to meet you, Katharine.

Very nice, Val.

You've done a good job.

Thank you.
We're very proud of him.

I don't understand.

Barbara, the nightclub
downstairs, he owns it?

He's not a cultural attaché?

No. And he isn't married
to a housewife.

And their name is Goldman,
not Coleman.

They're Jewish.

I don't understand.

He's a man.
They're both men.

No. You can't be Jewish.

No, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.

Kevin, this is a man.


Don't you see? They're gay.

They own the drag club downstairs.
They're two men.

Senator Keeley...

...this may not help, but I want you
to know I meant every word I said

about a return to family values
and a stricter moral code.

I feel like I'm insane.

It's really very simple.
Armand and I...

She called you Mother Coleman.

Kevin, nothing has changed.
It's still me.

With one... tiny difference.

Well, not tiny.

I don't understand.

I'll explain in the car.
Come on, Barbara. Let's go.

I'm not coming.

Barbara, please don't
do this to me.

I may not be as vulnerable
as Mrs. Coleman...

...but I still have feelings.

Somebody has to like me best.

Take it easy, Louise.
Barbara, we're leaving now.

- You're coming with us.
- Daddy, please.

I've made your mother cry.
I'm up for re-election.

We're involved in a scandal.

I'm in the home of a gay couple
who own a drag club.

You want to get married, but
how many lives must you ruin to do it?


I would have liked
to have had you as my family.

I just want to say,
Mr. and Mrs., uh, Mr...

...whatever your name is, I hope
this doesn't influence your vote.

Senator Keeley!

Oh, no.

Did you get him?

I would have if you
hadn't said his name.

I wanted to make him turn.

Those vultures.

Another television van just arrived.
And a car. It says Florida Eagle.

Oh, that's just print news.

I can see the headline:
"Senator Jackson

and His Women;
Senator Keeley and His Men."

It's perfectly innocent.

You came to meet the parents of the
boy that Barbara wants to marry.

Louise, people in this country
don't care about details.

All they trust are headlines.

Well, if I can
put in my two cents,

what do they have? It's their word
against yours that you're even here.

Yes, but at some point,
I'll have to leave.

People will notice if
I'm never seen again.

Another television crew.
And they're going into the club!

Wouldn't you know it?
The one night I don't perform...

Can I get anyone some soup?


- Daddy, I'm sorry.
- I know.


- Another shot for you?
- I don't really drink.

Yeah, but...
now is the time to pretend.

Give me some candy, Louise.

Couldn't the Keeleys slip out
at the end of the show?

No, they're waiting for that.
They'd be recognized.

Not necessarily.

A big hand for our girls.

As we come to the end of our show,
you are family, too, so sing along.

♪ We are family

♪ I got all my sisters with me

♪ We are family

♪ Get up, everybody, and sing

Will they keep waiting?

They have to. There's no story
if they don't get him coming out.

♪ Get up, everybody, and sing

♪ We are family

♪ I got all my sisters with me

♪ We are family

♪ Get up, everybody, and sing

♪ We are family...

Work it. Sell it.
Own it. Go, girlfriend.

Come on.

♪ We are family

♪ We are family

I've never danced with a man before.

There's always a first time.


No one will dance with me.
It's this dress.

I knew white would
make me look fat.

What about me? I'm as
pretty as these other guys.

- Dance?
- Not you. Barbara.

Don't go. I don't want to be
the only girl not dancing.

Just head for the door.
We'll be out of here soon.

Care to dance... baby?

Meet me in 20 minutes at the
corner of El Dorado and Palm.

Lady, not for a million dollars.

Bob Dole is gorgeous!

Which one is the mother?

I just don't know.

Mazel tov.

As a sign of your union,
you may kiss the bride.

I'm sorry.