The Big Wedding (2013) - full transcript

There's an old expression
that marriage is like

a phone call in the night.

First comes the ring,
and then you wake up.

My wife, Ellie, and I were married

for 20 years before we woke up.
Or fell asleep.

Or whichever it was
that ultimately led to our divorce.

But we never stopped loving each other.

How could we, after three
beautiful children?

Jared, Lyla, and our
adopted son, Alejandro.

We had built a home, and a history,

and a family together,



and that stuff just doesn't evaporate

with the stroke of a pen
and some lawyer's fees.

At least I hope it doesn't.

Hello?

Oh, wow.

Ugh!

Oh.

Yep.

Look at them.

Oh.

Oof.

I mean, you can't be serious.

I mean, it's really that
gargantuan of a deal?

It's blasphemy.



Which do you think came first?

The Catholic Church, or cunnilingus?

Oh. Please do not use that language.

What do you mean,
I can't say "Catholic Church"?

- No. The other thing.

Hercules, be quiet.

What do I use in its place?

You know, when it comes up in conversation.

Well, that is the point.

It's not supposed to
come up in conversation.

How about chowing box?

Stop it, Donald.

- Muff diving? Huh?
- Stop. You're so bad.

Poon jab?

Poon job?

Well, I just had lunch,
but if you insist.

Oh, Donny!

Oh, my...

- Cunnilingus.

You are such a slut.

Lucky girl.

Ohh!

- Sorry. Oh, my...
- Oh, jeez!

- Eleanor?
- Oh!

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, my God. I don't...
Really, I'm so terribly sorry.

He told me that nobody was here.

And I don't know why he did.
The key was over...

Anyway, I'm just...

I'm gonna... You know what I'm gonna do?

Oh, my goodness. Ellie?

- Hi, Bebe.
- Hi.

You look, um... You look wonderful.

Thanks. But, um...

Gosh, it's been such a long time.

It's great to see you. I hardly...

I hardly recognize you.

I mean, you look so...

- So?
- So... So...

- Unexpected.
- Unexpected.

- No, that's not...
- Hey, there's Donald.

Ellie. You look like a summer day.

Oh, well, that's because
you're on the floor.

Hey, what else is new?

Oh, Oh.

Yeah. Thanks.

- Oh...
- Oh.

How long's it been?

- Ooh, ten years.
- Impossible. Oh!

- Oh, you're not, I'm...
- Ooh! Oh, no, that's okay.

- No, that's just...
- The little blue helper.

What goes up doesn't always come down.

It's like a blue thing, like that.

I thought you weren't getting in
till around 5:00.

6:30.

You didn't tell me that.

Well, that's fine.

I just took a little stroll
through the village,

and it's just so amazing
how little things have changed.

Oh, God.

Honey, why don't you
take her up to the Embroidery Room.

I'm gonna round up some sheets.

At your service, madame.

- Right this way.
- Oh, thank you.

The Embroidery Room?

Oh, your old office.
I don't go in there.

She's got you on the wagon?

I ain't had a steak or a
drink in three years.

I can't sculpt worth a fart,

but they give me a lollipop

every time I leave the cardiologist.

Where are the kids?

Jared's at work
and AI's enjoying Pre-Cana with Missy.

Pre-Cana, oh, no.

You mean the Catholic
thing with the priest?

Yeah, you know the O'Connors.

Matrimony
is God's greatest gift to his children.

To be sanctified, nurtured and protected

against the seeds of dissent,

we're told too often
lead to the chasms of discord,

from which too often many of today's unions

are unable to recover.

It all too often leads to
divorce, which is a sin

in the eyes of God.

But no pressure.

Melissa, how long have
you and this young man been courting?

Just over a year.

But we've known
each other since middle school.

Alejandro, is it?

You do speak English, don't you?

No. No, actually, I don't.

- Oh, I see.

He just graduated from Harvard.

Him and half of China.

He also speaks five languages,

English being very much one of them.

Really?

So, tell me this, Alejandro.

Have you been successful thus far
at being intimate with young Mellissa?

Excuse me, sir?

Father Moinighan's just fine, son.

What I'm asking is,

is Miss O'Connor's virginity still intact?

I see.

And, uh, did we partake of birth control?

- Of course.
- Ah, of course.

Birth control.

Relationships between consenting adults

shall remain privately betwixt themselves,

and the Church, of course.

I guess we're going to Hell, then.

In God's good time, my son.

I'm kidding.

So, tell me, young man.

I know your adoptive
parents, Don and Ellie,

are other than Catholic.

Yeah. Yeah. My mom is Je-Buddhist.

That's Jewish/Buddhist.

And my father thinks that
organized religion is for...

His biological mother is
very much a Catholic.

She works for a bishop in Colombia.

- Good for her.
- And we're very excited

because we just found out
that she's coming to the wedding.

- She is.
- Oh, wonderful.

- Oh, God.
- Yes?

What?

Sorry. Nothing. It's fine.

I'm assuming that your mother
will be very encouraging

of her grandchildren
being raised in the Church.

Uh, actually, we decided to wait
until they're old enough

and then just let them decide.

Hell it is, then.

Hi. Is Jared in?

- Are you a patient?
- Sister.

Oh. Oh. Right.

- Hi, I'm Jane.
- Hi.

He's in a delivery,
so you can wait over in the Daddy's Room

and I'll let him know that you're here.

Okay.

Hello.

No, I mean she literally
pulled it out of the socket.

- I figured I'd be a lot safer here.
- Thank Christ.

Are you freaking kidding me?

We're in a hospital.

Right. Sorry.

Just practicing.

I don't even smoke. I quit a month ago.

It's a girl.

Oh, my God. I gotta call you back.
Is she...

They're both doing just fine.

Would you like to meet her?

There you are.

Am I dead?

Sorry. Jared'll be in in a sec.

My hero.

He's a sweetie, huh?

Hmm.

I hope this isn't
too inappropriate to ask,

but is it true that he's
never really had...

It's true.

Oh.

Okay. What kind of a doily

passes out in the Daddy's Room?

- I hope you feel better.
- Thank you.

- Doctor.
- Thank you.

Thank you.

She's perky.

Who, Jane? Yeah, she's great.

She's screaming for a shot at the title.

Nice.

What could possibly be wrong with her?

I am so over this whole
fresh-faced, Ivy League,

preppie, bouncy, ponytail-y type.

Don't you have to be under one first?

Good one.

She knows, by the way.

Yeah. A bunch of us went out

for too many margaritas last month.

Now they have, like, an
un-virgin pool going.

What?

A bevy of hot nurses
are conspiring to bang your brains out?

You should press charges.

No, not my brother. He's
gotta wait for love.

Yeah, well...

It seemed like
a really noble idea when I was 15.

Anyway, I'm starting to waver.

Shut up.

No, I'm gonna be 30 soon.

But then that would mean
that I've wasted the last

15-plus years.

You're fine.

Well, call what's-her-name back in here.

Come on. You can use my bed.

I'll wait in the hall. I
can laugh really quietly.

Or I could just
put you back in there with the babies.

No.

Oh.

Whoa, whoa. You okay?

I want you to...

Look right at me. Right at my nose.

Yeah, you might have a concussion.

How will I know?

Headaches, vomiting.

Hmm. And I haven't even seen Dad yet.

Hey. Where's Andrew?

I don't know. Can we bookmark it?

I want to keep the whole "Lyla's desiccating
her life" lectures down to one a day.

I can't wait.

See you, Jared.

Neither can they.

He's huge.

I remember.

Look at Jared.

Lyla. Oh, look how tiny Alejandro was.

One of the workers
almost painted over that

while we were redecorating.

I had my knitting needle to his throat
when Donald pulled me off of him.

Yeah. And now they're all grown.

Yeah.

You were so wonderful to them.

Well, they're not
officially my kids, but, you know...

God, you look stunning.

Cut the crap, Bebes.
I look a decade older and so do you.

Said the one of us not
wearing control tops.

Wait until you see Muffin. Oh, my God.

I heard she had work done.

Really, like, somebody said it was scary.

Well, let's just say most of her face
is now behind her ears.

- And she's completely mental.

She's driving me crazy
about the details of the wedding,

which is ironic because
we're hosting it here.

- Right.
- Right?

And I'm catering it. Organic, of course.

Oh, God, I was just so
terrified to see you.

Oh, don't be.
I mean, look, it was a long time ago.

So...

Yeah. Well, now that you're here,
I realize how much I missed you.

Well. Hey, I want to say something.

- This house?
- Yeah?

It looks absolutely incredible.

When were you two married, anyway?

Oh, we weren't. I don't need a ring.

I mean, maybe
I'd like to have a ring some time, but...

You should tell him.

He knows. He knows.

Doesn't exactly back stroke
through the deep end

of the sensitivity pool.

Hey. Look at you two.

Haven't seen this much tail around here

since the last poochie died.

Oh, Well.

Welcome to the jungle.

I truly loathe this place.

Oh. Is that because you've hooked up
with, like, half the staff?

It was high school.
And hand jobs don't count.

Oh, thank God.

Hi. Oh, look at you.
You look gorgeous.

Oh, so do you.
Oh, my God, your hair, I love it.

- Thanks.
- I'm so glad you're here.

- Sister.
- Immigrant.

- Ambulance chaser.
- Partner.

Hey, good for you. Where's Andrew?

- Oh, God.
- Are you okay?

- I gotta sit down.
- Come. Come.

She's drunk already?

Mild concussion. This should be fun.

It's, like, as
soon as we got engaged,

it suddenly dawned on them
that he's not Caucasian.

Wait, you're not Caucasian?

Not at the moment.

Well, that's upsetting.

They're, like,
putting on this whole dinner theater,

PC act, pretending to be really cool,

but really they're freaking out

that they're gonna have beige grandkids.

Isn't that a little hypocritical,

considering your father's
being investigated for...

There's my little princess!

Darling. A wisp.

No, it's fine.

Sweetheart, you know the Corns.

- Hi.
- Hi. Good to see you.

And this is her friend Alejandro.

- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Hey.

- AI is fine.
- Good. AI.

- Well, hello, Lyla.
- Muffin.

How's Chicago?

Crawling with spics and Jews.

Mazel tov.

I'm shaking, I mean,
it's been so long.

What the hell am I gonna say to her?

Don, you're gonna do fine.

I need, uh, a drink.

Babe, hey.

Thanks, babe.

- There she is.
- Okay.

Hello, sweetheart.

How are you?

Donald.

You look breathtaking.

You've packed on a few.

You know, only in the good spots. But...

Do you... Well, is it okay if I...

Actually, I'm just...
I'm not feeling so hot right now.

Oh, hey. I miss you so much.

Oh, hey.

I wasn't actually kidding.
I really don't feel well.

I really wish we could spend some time,

- you know, just the three...
- Dad!

Oh, my God. Is she...

- You all right?
- Oh, my God.

Okay. So much better.

So give us the lowdown.

Rehearsal dinner tomorrow.

Saturday wedding at the house.

And where are we going on our honeymoon?

Vietnam and Cambodia.

Yeah. We suggested Venice,
but we don't count.

Because it's safer.

But also, of course, because Venice
is Alejandro's native language.

Your name is Muffin.

Yes.

I love Cambodia.

And it's perfectly safe.

I know, because I lived
there for three months.

Mom found herself in Asia.

- What?

That's absurd.

- What'd I miss?
- Mom.

Don't you know Tantra?

Is that how you say it?

You had a nine-hour orgasm once?

- Seriously?

That's gross.

A little self-exploration
wouldn't kill you, young man.

Okay.

Or maybe a little less
self-exploration, in your case.

- Oh.
- Right, virgy?

- So it's on.
- Oh, yeah.

One-nothing.

- Nine hours?
- Okay.

Doesn't that hurt?

Wait a second. Lyla.

Why isn't Andrew here?

Trouble in paradise?

You're a peach.

And they're all tied up.

Okay, I don't understand.
What's he talking about?

- Andrew's moved out.

He's moved out?

Is he fooling around?

Because I'll tweeze his balls off.

Oh, great idea.

Yeah, 'cause karmically
that would make a ton of sense.

What happened?

We can talk about this later.

Uh, you know what?

As long as it's come up,
let's just get it over with.

Because I'm sure Barry and Muffin here

are just dying to hear all about

the tests, and the injections,

and humiliation I've so enjoyed
the last four years.

- No, we really don't...
- Shh!

Honey...

We were fighting. All the time.

And it just...

It just got really hard,
and he couldn't take it.

And I knew that,
so I cut him loose before he did it to me.

Amen. So...

Who do you have to lynch
for a cosmo around here?

- Okay.
- I don't get it.

She can't have children.

Okay, could you please excuse me, just...

- No, no. No. I've got it.
- No, no. Don.

I don't think it's a good idea.

Before you end it all, you should know
they filled in the kiddy pond last summer.

So?

Let's just say, the grown-up pool

is a few degrees warmer this year.

Where are you?

Right behind you.
Same place I've always been.

Is it okay if I...

Yeah. Thought you were afraid of heights.

The heights are fine.

It's the lows I'm not in love with.

How's it coming?

Uh, spectacular.
I'll get there well before Christmas.

I know we're supposed to do this whole

father-daughter Kumbaya on a stick thing,

but it just doesn't work that way.

I'm gonna sit down.

Okay.

I know.

Mom wasn't the only one you cheated on.

I know.

I still don't know how Bebe sleeps at night
in a house you and Mom built together.

And the decent thing
would have been to just sell it,

or burn the place down.

I'm sorry.

For what?

That things rarely
turn out the way we want them to.

Yeah.

Listen, honey. You know,
this thing with Andrew...

Don.

Want my cosmo?

Down to my toenails.

No, thanks.

Mother-pisser.

My God, you must be so excited.

It's been, what, like four years
since you've seen them?

Here, sweetie, have some vegetables.

I'm kind of nervous, actually.

Yeah. What? You don't have to be. Why?

Well, because my sister's
never even left Colombia.

That's plenty.

Oh, really?
Is she as traditional as your mother?

I think so. She's extremely shy. So...

Well, listen to me.
We are going to make them feel

as welcome and at home as we possibly can.

Did you know that I have to promise

to raise our kids Catholic

or the priest won't even
perform the ceremony?

Oh, come on. That's very
14th-century of him.

- Right?
- Just, listen to me,

cross your fingers behind your back,
and just say, "Hallelujah, Jesus."

That's what Missy keeps saying.

But it's the principle
of the whole thing, isn't it?

No, it's not. It's marriage.

One compromise down, 2.999 million to go.

Speaking of compromises,

I have something that I
need to ask you guys.

Anything.

It's just, it's...
It's kind of a big one.

Don? Oh, my God!

Do you know what your son just told me?

- Huh?
- Oh, my God.

You know how the Catholics
have this thing about divorce?

Well, it turns out that Madonna

is under some sort
of ridiculous impression

that divorce is a great big, fat sin.

Who's Madonna?

AI's biological mother!
What are you, nuts?

I'm not listening.

And she's also under the impression

that of all the big, fat divorce sinners
in this whole big, wide world,

you and I are not among them.

- Uh...
- Don?

Can you even hear what I'm saying?

- Not remotely.
- We're not divorced!

- Got it?
- What?

For the next three days,
you and I are husband and wife.

- What?
- Yes!

Shit!

Don!

I feel terrible.

They're just letting
anyone into Harvard these days, huh?

And you never told her
about them because...

I mean, there was no way
she was ever gonna come here.

It never even occurred to me
until that Pre-Cana.

- Well, wait a minute.
- Oh.

What would happen if she knew the truth?

You told me what she put you
through during the adoption.

She gave up her only son so that I
could have a chance at a better life.

And now, she left Colombia,

which she swore
she would never do. On an airplane,

which she's petrified of,

only to find out that
I've been lying to her

about being raised by heathens

for the past 15 years.

- No offense.
- None taken.

It'd break her poor little heart.

Why don't we just fake it
for a of couple days? No big deal.

And what makes either of you
think you could pull this off?

Sweetie, there's just
one little part that I'm stuck on.

If those two are still married,

then what does that make me?

My concubine?

I hadn't really gotten there yet.

- I see.

All right.

More tea, anyone?

I thought my life was a shit storm.

I feel awful.

Well, then what the hell
are you waiting for?

This is gonna go great.

Before we start shitting kittens,
why don't we just sit the old gal down

and lay it all out for her?
You and I are divorced.

It's not like we moved
to a fucking petting zoo or something.

She's from another country.

A very different country.

And her values aren't the same as ours.

So just pretend to be
married for the weekend.

What's the big deal?

Where would you like me to start?

Hey, listen.
You were no Mardi Gras, toots.

What did you call me?

Let's get that straight. Oh.

And it's an expression.
It's an expression.

Of endearment.
So don't get all Jane Fonda about it.

Uh-huh. Well, you know, the Tibetans

have a wonderful expression

for moments like these as well.

Yeah?

Loosely translated,
it means, "Go fuck a yak, Don."

That's the moment. I finally feel home.

So, she's leaving.

Some apology.
What is the matter with you? Why can't...

She won't listen to me.

She's not going anywhere.

Honey, this is all very dramatic.

- Can't we just...
- Put a sock in it, Donald.

Let me help you with this.

Let's go in the kitchen,
let's have some tea...

- You hate my tea.
- I love your tea.

- Really?
- Okay, okay.

I do hate your tea.
But the rest of you is pure perfection.

- Just take the suitcase.
- Honey, please. Look...

Bebe?

- Jesus.

I'll call Holly
and have her oversee the catering.

I promise, we can figure this out.

This weekend should be
about you and Missy,

and your happiness.

And if my presence
means that that doesn't happen...

But, Bebe, you're a big
part of that happiness.

I'll just...

No. Because then every time

you look back on your wedding day,

it's gonna be with pain and regret.

And I can't allow that to happen.

I love you, sweetie.

Oh.

Ciao, baby. Just consider this
my wedding present, okay?

Oh, God, help your father
before he blows his bypass.

Pop, I got it.

That's it.

There. You be brave, and elegant.

Okay? Don't take shit
from any of the old people.

Bebe. Bebe!

Please, you don't have to do this.

Oh, pishposh.

I'm gonna go to The Plaza,
use Donald's platinum card.

Listen. Look, I need you this weekend.

I can't get through this without you.
I can't...

Back off, Donald. You're
already on thin ice.

What the hell did I do?

It's not what you did.

Okay. Okay, what didn't I do?

Why don't you ask your wife?

Maybe she'll explain it to you.

- Bebe.

- My fault.
- Yep.

My fault! Un-fucking-believable.

Piece of wedding advice, kid,
stay single as long as you can.

- Will do.
- Trust me.

As long as you possibly can.

Hey, I'm sorry,
but may I just say something here?

The woman that you
supposedly love is devastated,

and all you've got,
Don, is "stay single."

it was a joke.

Right, I forgot,
you haven't laughed since the '60s.

Yeah. Not since I married you.

Yeah, well,
promise to never do that again.

Oh, believe me, not in a million years.

Well, but let's not bring
your mother into this.

Um, guys.

- Ki-yai!

You just punched me in the face!
What are you doing?

I could tell you something,
I earned my green belt,

and you talk shit
about my mother again, I swear, Don...

- Guys!
- What?

I thought she wasn't
coming until tomorrow.

That was yesterday. For God's sake.

You just punched me in the fucking face.

I'm sorry. Here we go, dear.

What are you doing?

What do you mean, what am I doing?

I don't know. After what you just did?

- You're gonna hold my hand.
- It's okay.

Thank you for inviting me to your home.

Oh...

I pray that Alejandro and Melissa

are as wonderful together as you've been.

Mmm!

- Gracias. Gracias.
- Yeah.

No, no.

Whatever. Just whatever...

No, I've got it. I've got it, honey.

Oh, dear.

Thank you. Welcome.

Anyway.

Oh, she wants to know
why your nose is bleeding.

Oh, this? Well, no, it's...
No English, right?

No.

Because my wife is one of the
great cunts of the 19th century.

Uh...

Yeah. There you go.

Mama. Here we go.

Hi. Hello.

This is my sister Lyla.

- Hi.
- And this is Jared.

Uh, the lawyer and the doctor.

Yes.

She said my son is lucky
to have such role models.

Aww, we're your role models.

That's a mistranslation.

- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is. This is Nuria.

Hi.

Hey. Really nice to meet you.

Oh, you see, it's not...

Excuse me. Sorry.

Sorry. It's not...
We're in between interior decorators.

Yes, and there's a statue, too.

And oh, my goodness,
I have such wonderful taste.

- Yeah.
- Don, darling.

I think it would be a wonderful idea

if you showed her your studio, dear.

I don't think that's such a good idea.

Hey, you know,
I think that's a really good idea.

- Right.
- There you go.

Thank you, sweetie.

Right this way.

That's a commission.

Birthday present for some fat cat's wife.

It's...

Yeah. Sucks being sober.

You like?

Well, that's weird that
AI's got a sister, right?

Yeah. And a mother.

Are you jealous?

Don't be ridiculous.

I mean, it's just,
I never thought I'd actually meet her.

You really think
you and Dad can pull this off?

We're adults.

Since when?

Oh, no. How many pictures
can one woman have?

On.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh. That is so not okay.
Oh, no, no, no.

Amor.

Alejandro?

Looks just like him, right?

Y Melissa.

Yeah, if I ever finish.

What's that? I don't understand.

Oh, oh.
She asked if you know Missy well.

Oh, si, si. Since...

Her parents are friends of ours.

Do you think that
Missy and I love each other enough

to have happiness forever?

Si.

She thinks you are a serpent.

Oh.

Well, flattery will get you everywhere.

It's a symbol of duality,
the struggle between spirit and matter.

I know she's not saying
something good about me.

Perverse thrill
of a man competing

with the purity of artistic expression.

So, she's calling me a pervert.

- Essentially.
- Yeah.

I think it was a compliment.

How refreshing.

Now she would like to
meet Father Moinighan.

- Really?
- Mmm.

Well. It's possible
his hangover's worn off by now.

You have no new messages

in your mailbox. Please...

Careful. We've had
shark problems in the past.

Freshwater sharks?

Touché. Uh, may I?

So, it must have been wonderful
to grow up here.

Yeah. Yeah, some of us
are still working on it.

You went to Harvard with Alejandro?

I did. Yeah.

In that I just drove him there.

But I think I definitely
would have enrolled

had I not got my parents' DNA.

You... You are funny.

Thank you. And you're... You are...

We are permitted to swimming?

Why?

No, I mean, yeah. Totally. Let's, um...

My sister got a ton of
swimsuits in her room.

I'll... Let me grab one, I'll be one sec.

- Holy shit.
- What?

Holy shit.

Are you coming?

Yeah. I should probably just... Yeah.

So, bathing suits,

it's not really that
big a deal in Colombia, huh?

Well, I am only here for a few days,

and I would like
to see as much of America as I can.

That's only fair.

Since we're seeing so much of you.

You will show me around?

Yeah. I can... Wouldn't
be, you know... Yeah.

I got the rehearsal dinner tonight,
but then I could...

And you will make love to me also?

Hmm...

Just so we're clear, you're

from the will.

Bebe's been trying
to rope him in here for years.

Anyone comes at me with a ring or a crown,

or any other legally binding bullshit,

I take out their kneecaps. That's it.

A crown?

But you're a happily married man, darling.

Remember that tonight
when we're in bed together.

I will, right after
the pigs fly out of my ass, sweetie.

- That's a nice image.
- Oh, would you...

Good morning, Father.

Oh, I thought my eyes deceived me,

but my ears bespoke the truth.

There are Griffins in my humble church.

Bill. How goes the war?

Well, being on the wagon's
not entirely bad.

If only the wheels
didn't squeak so perniciously.

Padre and I did AA together. Twice.

No, three times. And
third time's the charm.

Father, I would like you
to meet my biological mother.

Madonna Soto.

It's a great privilege to meet you, madam.

Your mother's
a little old school.

I'm sorry, but my Latin's a bit rusty.

My mother would like to give confession.

Right.

My mother would
like all of us to give confession.

- Nope. Sod off. Screw that.
- Like hell I will.

Guess what? No.

Forgive me,
Father, for this is bullshit.

Don, it's a lovely gesture
to make to your guest.

How's sobriety working for you?

Sucks a dick. You know that. Shit.

It's wonderful to see you
and Donny together again.

Oh, yeah.
We got "remarried" this morning.

You're kidding.

- Can you keep a secret?
- It's confession.

I thought
you were against organized religion.

Well, after this weekend,
I may need all the help I can get.

Go on, my son.

Is it wrong to lie to someone you love

if the only reason that you're deceiving
them is to protect their happiness?

Well, that depends.

Are you disrupting the lives of
anyone else by enacting your deception?

What's a ring gonna prove after eight
years of love and companionship?

I mean, she's my girl.
What else does she want from me?

Oscar Wilde once said that marriage

is a triumph of imagination
over intelligence.

Oscar Wilde?

Oscar Wilde used
to make whoopsie with altar boys.

That's true. Forget what I just said.

This place, I miss it.

- Mmm.
- It's like...

It's like home.

Even he's like home.
Even Don is like home to me.

It's so strange.

Does that frighten you?

Well, I mean, obviously,
that part of my life is over,

and I do think that that's a good thing.

Well, there's different kinds of love.

- There are?
- Yeah.

You know, just because you're divorced

doesn't mean
you're legally required to hate him.

You know, you're not as dumb
as Don says you are.

Thank you.

I'm outta here.

- Nice chatting with you.
- Bullshit.

Griffin, table for 50.

Uh, actually, the O'Connors requested

a private table on the Rose Terrace.

Outside?

Isn't it supposed to rain?

That was communicated to them, yes.

Uh, right this way.

Barry, what's with the alfresco?

- It's gonna piss all over us.
- No, it's fine.

We just thought it would be more private.

She insisted.

The thought that anyone
would see us eating with a bunch of,

what was the expression you used, Mom?

Uh, Barry O'Connor.
It's very, very nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.
This is my wife, Muffin.

We're delighted to
make your acquaintance.

And of course our daughter, Melissa.

Hi.

Mama?

It's okay.

What the fuck did she just say?

Shh! Please.

I don't know what she's saying.

You have my blessing.

All right.

- Come sit.
- Yeah.

You know, contemplate, place to put it.

Hey, Don. Where's Bebe?

We were supposed to go over
the crudités presentation together.

Yeah. Well, her aunt just passed,

so she had to go back to Poughkeepsie.

Nuria!

- But her aunt's dead.
- That's what I said.

God knows I hate a boring dinner.

Everybody have enough ice water?

Good evening, and welcome
to Weeblewog Country Club.

My name is Yvette.

And I will be your captain this evening.

Bebe?

- Ow!

Tonight our soup is a lobster bisque,

flavored with twice
the recommended daily dose of sodium.

We also have a filet mignon.

Not organic, stuffed with
bleu cheese, sour cream,

bacon, and a defibrillator.

I'll have the filet mignon.

Don't think so.

Excuse me, miss.

Our guests really aren't
used to American food.

Do you think that Chef Claude

could whip up some chimichangi thingy?

No. Stop it.

What, I didn't say it right?

No, you said it fine.

Just fine.

Are you okay?

Just fucking with him.

Fine.

Mama.

What's the rumpus?

Oh, um, she was wondering why the wedding

is being held at our house,

and not at the O'Connors'.

Um...

Well, we thought
we'd shake it up a little.

Uh, besides, our house...

- Is in foreclosure?

- Okay, that's...
- That's right.

He has to plead poverty

because he's
being investigated for stock fraud.

Spectacular fork.

It's more complicated
than that, I think.

But we still have money. We do.

- Really. It's just...
- Okay.

It's overseas for the time being.

That's enough!

I'm gonna check on the soup.

I wanted to tell you
that your house is the most

amazing place that I have ever seen.

You built it yourselves, yes?

We did, actually.

Tell her the story.

Yeah, it's really romantic.

It is. It is romantic.

It's fine. Tell her. Tell the story.

Don and I, we were living
in the city separately.

She wouldn't shack up with me

because we weren't in matrimony.

So Don's latest exhibition

had sold out completely.

Third in a row.

It did well.
Awash in humility. As always.

One of the many things
she loves about me.

That's our Donny. Yes.

Can we please just skip
to the happy ending?

So Don and I,

we decided we'd take a
drive to the country,

and we came to this open field.
Remember?

We parked there, we went for a walk.

And it was so wonderful.

It was sunset.

Do you remember that, Don? Sweet.

And we came across this gorgeous pond.

And he proposed to me
as the sun kind of went down.

I was...
I was sneaking out here on Saturday

while she was
spending time with her folks, and...

Yeah, but I knew what you were up to.

Believe me, I knew what he was up to.

- Oh, you?
- I did.

You didn't have a clue.

- What are you talking about?
- You were clueless.

He spent three months

searching the entire New
England countryside

for the most beautiful spot,

and when he found it,
he took her back there.

And then when he proposed...

He planted...

And then they built a house over the years

under the shade of the
tree, and added on to it

every time Don
sold another sculpture, until, well...

You are very lucky
to find a man like that.

Oh, yes, of course.

I'm just... I'm terribly lucky.

Thank you. Thank you.

Uh, Yvette?

Will you please excuse me, just for...

- Jared!

May I please speak with you?

Yeah, sure.

You know what? I got...
Give me, like, one sec.

I got, like, a terrible leg cramp.

Uh-huh. Nuria, dear. Please. Yes.

Please. May I take you to the restroom,

please, the ladies' room?

Where we can wash your beautiful hands.

Well,

here's to a wonderful dinner.

And a really

- neat wedding.

- Huh? Okay.
- Indeed.

Cheers.

Madonna,

how is your bisque?

Huh?

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Oh, my God.

So, the thing to remember
is that men are like pumpkins,

the good ones are either taken

or they've had everything scraped

out of their heads with a spoon.

I'm melting! Oh, my God!

- My face!
- What's happened?

What's happening in here?

Well, Nuria and I
have become very close friends.

Yes. She was just explaining to me.

- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.

Wish I had been adopted.

Can we please just elope now?

Seems like the lesser
of two evils at this point.

Really? Because I'm pretty sure
Vegas is just back that way.

I'm pretty sure that you
wouldn't survive the trip.

- What the hell is going on with your family?
- Why?

Oh.

My kingdom, my kingdom,
my kingdom for a steakhouse.

What a bust that was.

What are you grinning at?

Oh, it's just women's lib.

You know something, I'm cold.

Are you sure that heat's all the way up?

Well, yeah. We'll take a steam
when we get back to the house.

Wait a minute,
you have a steam in the guest room?

Nope. The master bedroom.

Whatever you say.

You have no new messages in your mailbox.

Ridiculous. It's like I ceased to exist.

What's that, Lyla?

No texts, no calls. Nothing.

Hombres.

I know, right?

No offense, Lyla, but honestly.

Really, you did leave him.

Yeah, he doesn't have
to make it so easy for me.

You think he'll show up at the wedding?

He does, I'll tell him
to fuck the fuck off.

- Language.
- Oh, Lyla.

He said terrible things to me.

- Punch him in the nose?
- Of course not.

Because that would be unladylike.

What are you looking at me for?

You miss him.

A little.

That's what I thought.
Look, just give him a call.

I can't.

So, I was thinking
we could maybe go to my room,

listen to some music, or you know...

Whatever.

No, thank you.

But you may read me
some poetry, if you wish.

Poetry?

Yes.

Are you serious?

Yes. Your mother was very informative.

I deserve to be treated with respect.

Don't we all.

Say it louder.

- I'm an idiot.
- A what?

I'm a galactic idiot.
My idiocracy knows no bounds.

You won't tell a tiny white lie
to a priest that you'll never see again,

but make a complete farce of our wedding?

- I know.
- That's no problem?

I know.

I feel so bad for Bebe.

You know how many months she and my
mom have been planning this.

I know. I know. I'm an idiot.

I did talk with Father Moinighan, though.

For reals?

I promised that little

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John

would grow up ravenous
for the sweet baby Jesus.

Did you?

May have had crossies when I said it.

Thank you.

You really truly love me.

I do.

Yeah, you do.

And you'll fix all the other stuff?

What's it worth to you?

Huh?

You honestly think...

It's too bad I'm saving
myself for marriage.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm busy tomorrow.

All I hear is, "Blah, blah, blah."

So, you know, call her again.

I tried, but she had the
front desk lock me out.

Tell me again how this is my fault.

Don.

...In a year. Many of these children...

Now, where'd you dig that up?

Oh, my God, I can't
believe how tiny he was.

Yeah.

Sometimes I wonder

if we did the right thing.

Ellie, for two people
who did a lot of things wrong,

adopting AI wasn't one of them.

Yeah, he's the kindest of us all.

Yeah.

We didn't do that
many things that were wrong, did we?

Everybody's happy now.

- Well...
- Right?

Yeah, right.

Kids are great.
You're having nine-hour orgasms.

Uh...

No, no, no, just... Yeah,
well, give or take.

- I'm intrigued.
- Yeah, I'm stunned.

- Prove it.
- You wish.

- For old time's sake.
- Oh, my God. Okay.

You know what,
I think the coast must be clear by now.

Ooh.

Good to see you, Ell.

I think you said that already.

- What the hell?
- Oh!

- Ow!
- What are you doing?

Oh!

Shoot. You're gonna
wake Madonna, for God's sake.

Shh.

Ow!

I have been reading sonnets. Out loud.

Well, that's very romantic.

So romantic for you, dear. What?

I am 29 years old, and
I've finally, I mean, I...

What?

I can't believe I'm getting
cock-blocked by my own mother.

I merely told her that
there are certain things

that women should expect from a man

before she just
jumps into bed with him. All right?

Yeah, I know.
Don't you think it's kind of hard to...

What?

Send her flowers every day for a year

when she goes back to Colombia on Monday.

C'est la guerre.

Oh...

So sorry.

Oh, my goodness.
Well, anyway, good night, sweetheart.

Sweet dreams, of course.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

You suck. Buenas noches.

Buenas noches.

Oh!

Noches.

Noches again.

Oh! Back so soon?

Oh, yeah. The temptation
was more than I could stand.

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

Now you're talking.

- Uh...
- Be gentle.

- Or don't.

Good night.

- Good night? Says you.
- Yup.

Oh, please. Come on, you
didn't really think

that we'd go through with this, did you?

No one ever died from dabbling.

Uh-huh. Just our marriage.

- Fair point.
- Yeah.

But, you know,
I couldn't stand being ignored.

I ignored you?

You didn't need a soothsayer to know that
you were terrified of being alone with me.

I'm sorry, Don. Really, lam.

Just, you know, with the children gone,

I guess I didn't think
we had much in common anymore.

Yeah, so we picked up another kid
to avoid the issue.

You know, I tried to stick it out.
I really did.

I know you did, Don.

Wanna fool around?

Oh!

You need to marry Bebe.

And that's nothing you don't already know.

And what about you?
Anybody special since...

Me?

Yeah, of course.

There have been guys here and there.

Yeah. And I guess nothing
I'd write home about,

nothing special.

Well, I did date this local cop

when I lived over on Courtesy.

He was really quite nice.

And then in New York City
I met this stock broker

who actually proposed to me
on the third date.

You know, that should have
been my first clue. God.

But then...

A little more left. Left. Oh!

- Oh, yeah!

- In there! That's right!
- Right there?

What happened to you?

What time is it?

A little after 8:00. I thought you quit?

Thought I quit a lot of things. 8:00?

So that would make it, hey...

Forty minutes. Not bad for starters.

Was that what that...

You didn't. Oh, tell me you didn't.

You and Mom for 40,
that's... You scumbags.

Gross. What?

- What about Bebe?
- I know.

God, what is wrong with you?

Forward, ducklings.

We are gonna cater the shit out of this
thing whether they like it or not.

I know you can't understand me,
but now that you're here,

I want you to know that I've always been
intimidated by you.

Even so, I never
tried to take your place with him,

but I always encouraged
the phone calls, and the visits.

And meeting you, oh, my God,

I see where so much
of what's good in him comes from.

And I just, I'm just so...

I'm just so happy you're here.

Uh, do you...
Uh, oh, um, do you understand me?

You working on anything lately?

Haven't touched a chisel in years.

Wow, shame. You have more talent

in your little finger
than I have in my whole body.

I'm a big girl now, Don.

You don't have to say that anymore.

It happens to be true.

Hair of the dog?

No.

You sure today's the day
you want to fall off the wagon?

Coin flip at this point.

Pass the riffler.

How is it

that you can make something so beautiful

and yet be such a complete douchebag?

I'm a complicated serpent.

Or whatever the hell she said.

So is this what happens with men?

Just a grain of strife in the relationship

and suddenly you're knee-deep in your ex?

Grandpa?

Grandpa?

Sweetie, I may be
on the back nine of life,

but I just spent the last 40 minutes

laying more pipe than I have in 20 years.

I didn't say no to the scotch

'cause I didn't want the drink.

So wait a second.

You're...

Andrew doesn't know.

I'm not one of those women who thinks

I deserve to have a child

just because my uterus
suddenly decides to work.

He either loves me or he doesn't.

I'd hug you, but...

After last time...

I'll just try one of these.

- Delicious.
- Good.

Happy you're pleased, Mr. Griffin.

You are paying for it.

Mmm-hmm. Well, you know,
I think I'll have a few more.

No.

I don't think so.

You know, if I were talking to you,

I would ask you what happened over there.

- With Lyla?
- Yeah.

- Did you see us?
- I did.

How about that?

It must be very comforting to know that

not everybody hates you.

Eases the burden somewhat.

Listen. There's something I need...

No. I'm not talking to you.

Is she upset about something?

Yeah, she is.

I'm not sure what to do about it.

Well, you love her, don't you?

More than anything.

Well, then,

you do whatever it takes
to make her happy again.

Si?

- Can I come in?
- Uh, okay.

Oh, geez.

Can you help me, please?

Oh, my God, this is so not fair.

All right.

Sorry.

Listen, I...

No, it's, come here,
impolite to interrupt a performance.

A performance?

Item one.

Serenade her.

There's not a lot of words
that rhyme with Nuria

But I really want to

Reassure ya

That I will try not to be

Premature-ia

I...

Look, I decided
that I will not make love with you.

Okay. Um...

I disagree. Here's why.

Look. I did everything on your list.

Breakfast in bed.

And I even did a list of the top 10

greatest moments in our relationship.

"The first moment I saw you."

"The first moment I saw you naked."

That's... It's very sweet.

But

we are brother and sister.

Yeah, but only a little bit.

Look, you have waited
a long time for love.

And I could not forgive myself
if I took that away from you.

No, you're right.

The song is nice, though.

Um, this...
Flowers every day, for a year.

We have to tell her.

I'm not sure I agree.

Well, we at least
have to invite her to our wedding.

I'm... I'm sorry?

I'm kidding you. I'm kidding you.
I'm kidding.

- Thank Christ.
- Yeah.

I mean, not that it would
be a bad idea, but...

Yeah. No, it's okay.
We're behind each other.

Finally.

We're still family.

Still family.

So, what's going on?

Um, oh...

First things first. Thank you.

No.

Well, honey, your father
and I wanted to give you something.

- Together?
- Crazy, right?

We're so proud of you.

We really are proud of you,
of the man you've become,

and of the woman that you love,

of the wonderful life
that you have ahead of you, and so...

We love you, bud.

You, um... You carved this from the tree?

Your mother's idea.

No, actually it wasn't my idea,
but I'm speechless at the modesty.

Oh, wow.

I saved a few just in case
the first didn't take.

I don't know what to say.

Does this come with a piece of land?
Waterfront, if possible.

Sure, just click your heels three times.

See you on the flip side, kid.

I love you guys.

Thank you.

It's perfect.

Oh, my gosh, look at you!

You're here.

Of course I'm here. Where would I be?

You look gorgeous.

Except this.

Well. Let me put that, here you go.

Which reminds me of the prom fiasco.

- You remember the junior prom?

White tux and blood
everywhere from the pin?

There you go. Perfect.

Thank you.

Hey. We're family. At
least most of the time.

All the time. Mom.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Hey.

I know, we were just talking...

Hi, Bebe.

Right, Mrs. Griffin. I was just leaving.

No, no, that's okay. No, it's all right.

Wait a second. Mom?

- Yes?
- Si?

Uh...

Hello.

Um, Bebe?

Have you by any chance
seen our boyfriend?

No, not since this morning.
My... Oh, fudge.

- Well. If it isn't...
- Oh, no.

Uh, one, two, three.
It's like a convention.

Donald Robert Griffin,
what have you done?

Oh, my God. He's plastered!

- I'm sorry, sweetheart, I...
- No, no.

- I, you know, we...
- Oh, my gosh.

One minute we were sleeping...

How...

The next minute, boom, boom,
chi-boom, boom, chicka boom...

Excuse me?

We came into the bedroom.

And what are you gonna do?

You do what you do in the bedroom.

Don!

The two...

I'm sorry, Bebe.

Wow, you really know how
to serve your revenge cold, don't you?

Come on, honey.

- All right, I forgive you.
- You do?

Well, I mean, of course.

Otherwise I'm a hypocrite, right?

So, all right, I forgive you.

I'm sorry, too.

Forty minutes, by the way.

Aah! Whoa!

Hey. Hey, wait.

Of course. You look amazing.

Thank you.

There's no chance that you've...

No. No.

...changed your mind?
Yeah, I didn't think so.

- Sorry.
- That's okay.

Well, you have to admire
the symmetry of it.

Hey, Donald, sit down.

Although, I guess
if we were really being sticklers,

you'd have to put your dick in Muffin.

What?

I dig the vulgarity,

but why would I ever want
to bang Muffin O'Connor?

Well, I'm just saying,
if you want to go for true symmetry.

What are you talking about?

Eleanor?

Uh...

Would somebody just please
punch me in the face again?

Because I don't know...
What are we talking about?

She cheated on you first.

- What?
- Oh...

I...

What. Wait. Well, wait a second.

Well, there was... It was like a...

Mistake. Honey...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

If making it even
means that I'm supposed to boink Muffin,

that would mean that you boinked...

Barry.

- What?
- What?

- Why?
- What do you mean, why?

What's the rumpus?

Wait, wait, wait.
You slept with Missy's father today?

No, no, no. Not today.

It was years ago, when we were married.

He must have read you
a ton of poetry, huh?

How could you?

I was really very unhappy at that time.

- What about me?
- Well, I don't really

- care about you.
- I know you don't!

Listen, I don't know what to say.

It was practically an accident.

And I never told anyone.
Never. Not one person.

Except, of course, my very best friend.

It was a long time ago. it was.

And now you all have a wedding to go to.

I'm gonna call the movers.

- No.
- Wait, no.

Just for the record,

whatever happens, no way am I ever

bumping uglies with Muffin O'Connor.

I beg your pardon?

What the hell did you just say?

Just because you porked my wife

doesn't mean I have to return the favor.

Excuse me?

All right, that's it.

- Oh, God.
- What are you doing?

You look amazing, by the way.

Please. Okay.

Look, I... Barry, Barry, it wasn't me.

Okay, so I did the thing with you.
I mean, I didn't do that.

I did the... Whatever you do.

I'm sorry about it. it was a mistake.

Fuck you.
Fuck you, fuck you, and fuck me.

Where is he going?

Overseas, I imagine.

So you're the one.

And I'm so sorry, Muffin.

You have to understand

that it didn't mean one single thing.

I feel so used.

Don't even worry about it.

Barry and I have an understanding.

I occasionally look the other way,
and he doesn't harp on my fetishes.

What fetishes?

Your wife, for example.

Which one?

They're both equally delicious.

Oh.

And that's the ballgame.
Wow. I did not see that one coming.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Yeah.
You guys might want to step out here.

Good idea.

- Oh.

Hmm.

- Oh, God. This is humiliating.
- Mmm-hmm.

- What?
- What do we do?

- About which one?
- You know, Bebe.

Can't live without her, right? Right?

Okay. So, you've
gotta think about what you're gonna do.

Right.

- Where are the children?
- I don't know.

Dying of embarrassment somewhere?

You think they might call it off?

Oh, man, Muffin, get over it.

Okay. It's okay.

You're gonna have
beige grandkids that are bilingual.

We'll see about that, won't we?

Oh, we will see about that. Yes, we will.

Sure you're okay with this?

You kidding me?

Just get this over with
before anybody sees us.

- Father?
- Everybody ready?

Just give us
the Cliff Notes version.

I'm sorry, but I have...

Oh, come on, please,
before anything else happens.

Okey dokey.

Melissa, do you take...

Yes, I do.

Do you,
Alejandro Soto Griffin...

Yes.

I do.

On your marks...

Get set...

I'm pregnant.

Surprise.

Oh!

Oh, look! Lyla!

Oh, God, they're eloping on the dock!

No, no! No!

- Stop! Don't do it!
- Holy mother.

- Oh!
- Alejandro...

You put the ring... Yeah.

The ring on her finger.
You put the ring on his finger.

- No, no! Don't!
- Blah, blah, blah.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

- You may...
- Please. Stop!

- ...kiss the bride.
- No!

- Now can we elope?
- Definitely.

- Now, now, Muffin.
- How could you do this to me?

She can't swim.

Really?

Hey.

Look, I know we might never
see each other again, so,

I thought maybe we'd toast to

what was almost a beautiful friendship.

Hmm.

No, you know,

your mother was the one that told me that

American women are more reserved
when it comes to their sexuality.

Except for her, of course.

I think I Will not...

Take her advice anymore.

The men of Colombia will be thrilled.

What?

Close the door.

Oh.

Bebe! Bebe! Bebe!

Is that them?

Yeah.
They're gonna be spectacular together.

They're smarter than we are, huh?

It's hard not to be.
I mean, what was I thinking?

What an idiot. I mean,
what is wrong with me?

No, there's nothing wrong with you.

At all, Bebe.

In fact, you know what
I've come to believe?

I believe you're the
sanest one of all of us.

- Oh, no.
- Yes.

You don't have to say that. That's crazy.

That doesn't make it any less true.

You've always been more beautiful.

Ellie. And, I mean,
I think actually that's

probably one of the reasons

that I found Don so attractive.

Come on.
You were in love with Don Griffin

from the first time I introduced you

at the Crabtree summer party.

Was it that obvious?

Yeah, to me.

Well, then why didn't
you hit me with your car or something?

Come on, you were my best friend.

Still are, I hope.

Oh, Bebe. It wasn't him.

Oh, yeah, okay, so he was flirting,

but I made the first move.

- Why?
- Because...

I wanted to make sure I was over him.

And you know what? it turns out

I've been over him for such a long time.

I want you to know something else.

I've always been happy

that it was you he turned to.

I told you I forgive you.

Then forgive him, too.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Again.

Oh, hell yeah.

Ah!

- Excuse me...
- No, thank you.

At least no one will ever forget it.

I'm an orphan.

No, no. It's not that bad.

My mother's a lesbian, and my father
has had his penis in your mom.

Ugh! That's a picture.

If it makes you feel any better,
I think my brother

is somewhere having sex with my sister.

What?

They are all coming out of the woodwork.

Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.

No. No, I'm just saying call me
if she gets back to the hotel.

Well, how the hell...
Listen, how am I supposed to know?

That's why I'm asking you.

Ow!

And that makes a full set.
What the hell did I do now?

Do you know why I've
stayed away from you for all these years?

I have some idea. But I... Okay.

Because like it or not,
I'm your daughter.

Jared got all of Mom's traits,

and I won the lottery with all of yours.

Yeah. You know, if we're the same,

how come no one's popping you
in the face every five minutes?

Huh?

You know, when you cheated on Mom

I became terrified that I was gonna
ruin my marriage the same way.

And I don't want to be like that.

I don't want to be like you anymore.

- Andrew's here.
- Yeah, I know, Dad.

I wonder who called him?

Yeah, okay, two things.

Then if you never speak
to me again, so be it.

Look. I know you would figure out that
I called him.

And you're right, Lyla, we are alike.

Neither of us are particularly close
to being stupid.

And you know what, you can hate me

for the rest of your life,
if that's what you need.

But I'm gonna tell you
what I need as your father.

I need as your father

to be able to give my little girl

the best chance at a happy life.

Because ultimately, and we're all selfish,
that gives me the best chance at a happy life.

Even if you hate me for it.

- I don't hate you.
- Let me finish.

Let me finish.

I know you love me,
sweetheart, even if you don't.

I do know that.

And I know that when Mom and I split up
you felt that you had to pick a side.

And I was okay with that.

Because, you know,
she needed you more than I did.

And I understand that.

The day you were born,
I went out and I got blasted,

and I left your mom alone.
I just drank my face off.

You know, you had these
swollen little eyes,

and these pink little hands.

You were so...

I couldn't rectify how something

so incandescent could come
from an old douchebag like me.

Same with the boys.

You know, but for a few
mistakes along the way,

I did the best I could
to earn my place in all of your lives.

You know, you can
be mad at me, not mad at me.

It's never gonna change
how I feel about you.

And, look, I know these are
just words to you now.

But trust me,
you'll understand what I mean

when your daughter is born.

How do you know it's a girl?

I don't. I'm just hoping
you'll be that lucky.

And I'm sorry
that I'm so late, by the way.

I actually wasn't planning on coming.

You didn't miss much.

My mom's a part-time lesbian.

I don't have
a response for that.

That's okay.

Hi.

Hey.

You look beautiful, honey.

I'm not the one who invited you.

Okay. He said that
you had something to tell me.

We're just gonna go.

No, no, no, no, no.

You are my sister now.
This involves you as well.

You never called me.

Well, you did say that
you never wanted to speak to me again.

You said terrible things to me.

I know.

We were in a... I was...
I'm sorry. I am sorry.

I...

I'm pregnant.

That's why you barfed on Dad.

Sorry.

Oh.

Are you serious? I don't believe this.

Andrew, I won't bring this baby
into an unhappy marriage.

I agree. I agree. We can work on that.

Okay.

Can I...

Beatrice. I know you're still here

because I just threw
your car keys in the pond.

And into the kitty litter.

- Beatrice?
- I love it.

- Beatrice.
- Oh, my God.

- Oh.
- I think that's for you.

Get your tight little ass
out here, toute de suite.

Beatrice Martha McBride,
you come out here now

or I'll huff, and I'll puff,
and I'll blow your house...

And you'll give everybody here a migraine
if you don't shut the dilly up.

What do you want?

Okay.

Here you go. Sorry for cutting in.

I just want to tell you something.

Well, okay. We're all listening.

If I've learned anything about life,
it's that it's all but a dream.

- Brilliant.
- And there's no wizard

pulling levers behind a curtain,

which means, as far as I can see,

the only real use in loving someone

is that it makes your life better.

And my life would suck infinitely more
without you in it.

Aww!

That's it?

That's the truth.

Okay. Okay.
I just have one answer for you.

No, no, I did not ask you a question.

The answer is yes.

I did not ask him a question.

Yes. Yes. Yes, I am a horse's ass.
Yes, I will ogle,

but never again, other
than perhaps mentally,

fondle another woman.

And yes, I will embarrass you,

and shock you, and often cause you

to question every last reason in the world

why you would ever love
me in the first place.

- Yes.
- You...

- Yeah?
- Think that I still love you?

Really, you don't?

- Keep going.
- Right, right. And yes,

I would rather gouge out my eyeballs
with hot spoons than cause you pain again.

And yes, I will keep you
on an alabaster pedestal.

Words.

And yes,

I will love you and only you
for the rest of my life,

if you will allow me

the honor of becoming your husband.

Where the fuck did you get that ring?

I've had it around for a
while, six years or so.

Six years?

So, what do you say?

Oh, what the hell.

That's the spirit.

Okay then.

By the power still vested in me,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Wait a second.

You'll always love me.

May I have this dance?

Oh!

Ooh, yeah.

Oh!

Ohh! Oh, Oh.

Oh, some wedding, huh?

It's my first two-fer.

Yeah. Congratulations.

You, too.

Yeah. You know, you were right.

About what?

There are different kinds of love.

Which one are you feeling now?

All Of them.

Whoo!

Welcome to the family, baby Jane.

Lesson one,
your grandmothers are all nuts.