The Big Tease (1999) - full transcript

When Martin Samuels decides
to make a documentary

about a Scottish artiste,

you have to ask yourself,

"who is this guy?

What's all the fuss about?"

Well, that guy is me.

I'm Crawford MacKenzie.

I'm a hairdresser.

"Dear Mr. MacKenzie,

"the executive committee

"of the world international
hairdressing federation



"is delighted to inform you

"that you have been
selected to participate

"in this year's platinum
scissors competition

"in Los Angeles.

"For those invited..."
Blah, Dee, blah, blah.

"On a personal note,

"I look forward to meeting you

"upon your arrival
in the United States.

"Sincerely, Monique Geingold,

president, W.H.I.F."
It's W.H.I.F.

♪ my boy lollipop ♪

♪ you make my heart go giddyap ♪

♪ you are as sweet as candy ♪

♪ you're my sugar dandy ♪



♪ whoa, my boy lollipop ♪

♪ never, ever leave me ♪

♪ because it would grieve me ♪

♪ my heart told me so ♪

Good to see you.
Hi.

Basically, this is where I work.

This is what I do all day.

Margaret, you look fantastic.

You're like a big, scary
alien with your hat...

The pensioner from outer space.

♪ But I don't want you to know ♪

This is a look
I've been working on.

I call it New Zealand...

All black, you see?

Margaret?

It's a funny thing
about that woman.

She comes in here every week.

You get a permanent on her head,

and then she's off
to the bathroom

for a half an hour.

How did you come by
this nickname that you have?

Oh, well,

they call me the Red Adair of hair,

because if there's a problem,

I'm the one they call in.

No. Obviously, it's a different area

of expertise from the other Red Adair.

I mean, I'd never use explosives

to get the style I wanted.

I mean, this is hairdressing.

There are limits, right?

What was that like,
then? Someone who knew...

A born hairdresser

growing up in
a working-class district

in Glasgow?

What was that like?

Let's have a look around a bit more.

This is, um...

Do you not want me to ask you about...

We'll talk about it later. Okay.

Um, so, um...

I want to cut it short,
I want curls on the top,

and I want to dye it red.

Rarely do we perform
the full bluebell,

but Senga's is
a very deserving case.

She hasn't quite been herself

since the accident in the bakery.

It's going to look gorgeous.

You're going to look fabulous.

There.

Ta-da.

Oh, Crawford,

you're a genius.

I know.

You can't dominate
the Glasgow regionals

for 5 years

and then not get
asked to L.A.

You know?
I mean...

They're going to come.

Welcome to my wee office,

or as I sometimes call it,

my Galleria del Trofio.

And here we are,

the grand fromage...

Sean Connery.

Which one's Sean Connery?

In the middle there.

Actually, it has been said

that my Sean Connery
is indistinguishable

from the real thing
with your eyes shut,

Mr. Goldfinger.

Anyway, it was a glorious
day at Gleneagles,

apart from Sean's little
hair catastrophe.

Luckily, I was able
to step in and help out.

Alas, you know, discretion forbids.

Right.

Which one's this?
Who is this?

It's Stig Ludwigssen,

winner of the platinum scissors

for the last 3 years.

You simply can't go higher
in the hair hierarchy.

Of course, Stig Ludwigssen's salon

is in L.A., where hair
can make you or break you.

How do you feel about him
being singled out

to compete against
the greatest hairdressers

in the world?

I think it is absolutely wonderful.

So there was a hint of genius
even when he was...

Oh, yes.

What channel is this for, mate?

Uh, it's a documentary
for English tele...

What channel is it for?

It's a documentary
for English television.

If you just, like, could
stand over there, sir.

We're just shooting
in this direction here,

and it's very difficult
for me to concentrate...

I think you should go
and get a sweater on.

Hey, this is my garden.

You've always bored me, by the way.

What was he like as a child?

Very, very intelligent.

I called up Mensa about him.

Mensa?

Yes.

And they suggested
I get him a chess set.

And what do you think happened

the very afternoon I brought it home?

I don't know.

He takes the little men

and dresses them up

in homemade hula skirts.

Oh.

And performed the bigger numbers

from South Pacific.

♪ Bali ha'i ♪

♪ you special island ♪

♪ come to me ♪

♪ come to me ♪

Let me ask you about Gareth.

Yeah. He's a nice boy, isn't he?

Oh!

Ooh!

It's a documentary, yeah.

Come here.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much,
Airdrie. Thank you.

Wave.

Well done, well done.

Oh, look, I got you
in a sticky mess.

Yeah. That's fine. I'm okay.

We're all very proud.

I'm his biggest fan.

What? He's got an underwater camera.

He's got an underwater...

He's so talented

and sexy.

He's an excellent guy.

Yeah.
Isn't he, boys?

I'll tell you what.

I'd sleep with him.

You know he's gay, don't you?

No, he is nae.

If they want him out in California,

it's probably for the best.

He'll be amongst his own kind out there.

Shark-infested waters.

Crawford, don't go to Hollywood.

Shut your face.

I had a very settled life in Scotland.

I had my cats, my mother,

my friend Gareth.

And these people were the reason

that I was getting on that plane.

Bless them.

You know, this was something
I had to do...

Not for me,

but for Scotland.

I'm sorry.

That is lovely, mum.
Thanks.

Is it the right size?

Hey, hey, hey,
Yankee Doodle Dandy.

Shut up.
Shut up.

And the stars.

And with the stars and
the stripes... it's lovely.

Oh, son,

it's a wee bit wee on you.

I'll need to knit you another one.

Don't you dare knit another one.

It's fine. It's lovely.
I love it.

Hey, listen.
What?

Take your Billy doll.

- It'll bring you luck.
- Thanks.

Not that you need luck.

Oh, shut up.

I'm sorry.

As they say in Llandow,

Ciao for now.

Come on.

All right.

Bye.

Bye. bye.

Bye.

Bye. bye.

Bye.

Are you tired?

Yes...

But it's an international
sort of tired,

if you know what I mean.

Oh, yeah.

I couldn't believe it.

I mean, seeing him
right there at the airport,

it was like an omen.

Not the omen, of course,

but equally as scary
in a different way.

God. Oh, my god.

It's Stig.

Stig, hi!
Stig!

Hi! hi!

Coo, coo, coo.

Hey, hi.
Hey, hi.

Hey. excuse me.
Excuse me, miss.

Do you work for Stig?

We're busy.

Charming.

Who was that?

Stig Ludwigssen.
Cheerio.

He's the one to beat.

The white zone

is for the immediate
loading and unloading

of passengers only.

Hey, you know
you got to get them off.

I got it. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, you guys want a ride?

No, thanks. We're
going to get a taxi.

No. forget those guys, man.
They'll screw you.

You know, they don't even
speak English.

They'll get you lost.
I got it.

I got it, dude.

That's my stretch right there.

Your what?

My limo. My limo.

Stretch. Classy, you know what I mean?

For god's sake, get a taxi.

Go and get a trolley.
How much?

200 bucks.

No way.

Where you from, man?

Scotland.

75.
75 bucks.

50.

All right.
Okay.

Welcome, gentlemen.

Welcome to Los Angeles, baby. All right.

It's big, isn't it?

Oh, look at that...
Marina del Rey.

I knew a drag queen once
called Marina del Rey.

She wasn't from here, though.

She was from Wolverhampton.

She's a great dancer...

fat arse, though.

What kind of movie are you guys making?

It's a fly-on-the-wall documentary.

You guys want an idea for a movie?

I only make documentaries.

5 words...

Teenage hasidic

lizard basketball mutiny.

You know what I mean?

It's a slam dunk, man.

Big UFO that comes down...

"if you lose, you will
become our slave."

They've already got Michael Jordan.

3:00 in the morning,
my beeper's going off.

Beep beep. I'm, like, "St. Eamonn here."

You know?
"Who needs what?"

Back in the eighties,

I was in a little
rock and roll outfit.

♪ Missin' my lady ♪

On the road.

It's kind of a road song.

I usually stay at the Bel Age,

but this is supposed to be very good.

Hi, I'm Ronnie. Welcome
to the Century Plaza hotel.

Hi, Ronnie.

Thanks.

Hey, man. Hey,

here's my head shot.

Just give me a call,
you know, any time,

and there's an 818
beeper number on the back.

It's probably going
to change, but...

If you need a car, a chick,

you know, a schooner,
anything. Give me a call.

All right.

All right?
I'm serious, man.

Give me a call.

You never know.

That's for you.
Thank you.

We have you
in a king-size suite,

but your preferential
group rate,

it entitles you
to an executive upgrade.

Oh. Super-duper.

Where is your accent from?

I'm from Glasgow.

Oh, I love the Beatles.

I'm just going to need
a credit card now, sir.

Okay.

Here.
Thanks.

How much do you tip them?

Usually, you take the tax and double it.

What tax?

Just give him $5.00.

Oh, my god.

An upgrade.

It's got electric curtains.

It's very nice.

It's fantastic.

Oh, my god.

Ronnie,

that's for you.
Thanks very much.

Look at that, Martin.
It's fantastic.

It's fantastic!

A fourposter bed. My god,
I've always wanted one.

You like this, don't you?

I love it.
You know what?

I was born to this.

No, mum, it's the Clinton suite.

No. President Clinton.

Well, why would a top Los Angeles hotel

name a suite after B.B. Clinton of Rangers?

I'm here right now.

I'm wearing a blue shirt

and my tartan trousers...

The ones that are really tight.

I don't have to worry about
who's paying for it.

W.H.I.F. are paying for it.

No corkscrew?

Not a problem.

Hello, room service?

Could you send up Ronnie
with a corkscrew, please?

When the cat's away,

the big Scottish
hairdressing mouse

will play.

♪ All the leaves are brown ♪

♪ all the leaves are brown ♪

♪ and the sky is gray ♪

♪ and the sky is gray ♪

♪ I've been for a walk ♪

♪ I've been for a walk ♪

♪ on a winter's day ♪

♪ on a winter's day ♪

♪ I'd be safe and warm ♪

♪ I'd be safe and warm ♪

♪ If I was in L.A. ♪

♪ If I was in L.A. ♪

Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Let's get that other one, okay?

I think the other one's... aah!

Spectacular, isn't it?

I mean,

when you look out at all
those twinkling lights,

and you realize
that every one of them

has a story...

There are people out there

living, dying,

laughing,

making love,

having their hair done.

It's just profound.

♪ All the trees are brown ♪

♪ all the trees are brown ♪

♪ and the sky is gray ♪

♪ the sky is gray ♪

♪ California... ♪

♪ ... California dreaming ♪

♪ on such a winter's day ♪

♪ I'd be safe and... ♪

♪ I'd be safe and warm ♪

♪ if I was in L.A. ♪

Is the camera rolling?

Good night, les.

Um, can we just do
the curtains again, please?

No. I'm going to sleep.
That's it.

Cut, Seamus.

So, is this how you normally prepare

for a competition?

Well, I wouldn't sit out
by the pool in Scotland,

but it's very similar.

You know, I like to get myself calm

and focused and relaxed.

So it's not like being a violinist,

where you practice,
practice, practice?

No. It's about calmness
and focus and serenity.

Mr. MacKenzie.

Yes?

I am Dunstan Cactus,
manager of the hotel.

You fellas don't need me on that thing.

Hi, mom.
Ha ha ha!

I just wanted
to let you know, sir,

if there's anything in
the hotel not to your liking,

you call me instantly, all right?

We'll sit down in my office
and talk it all out

any time of the day or night.

I insist.

Great. Thanks.

Enjoy your stay.

Okay. Thank you very much.

Ha ha ha!

I know what...
Let's do it right now.

Always room in my schedule
for an honored guest.

What do you say?
I insist.

Okay.

All right, sir.

Okay, great.

All right.

Hang on, hang on.

Oh, excuse me.
Ha ha ha ha!

We've had many cameras
in the hotel before.

I don't think there's
enough light in here.

The camera cable

is stuck in the fucking door.

Hang on!

All right, sir.

Come on in.

Have a seat.

Thanks.
Ha ha!

Have you got
your passport on you?

Ah, sure.
Yeah.

Oh, see? I knew it.
That's what I...

Because the accent...

Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's a Scottish-British
passport.

You know, I always
wondered... Scot... land,

Eng... land, Ire... land,
and then just Wales.

I love that. Just one nice,
short country there, too.

It bespeaks a people
with a sense of balance,

to my mind.

And Scotland, if I may say,

is the most beautiful
country in the world.

You've been there?

No. no, no.

Ha ha! No, but over the years,

friends have sent me postcards,

and one builds up a picture
in the mind's eye.

Uh, and it intensifies
to the point where,

frankly, I actually
consider myself

to be Scottish...

Though, of course, by mail.

Is there something wrong?

Why don't we have a drink?

I'm afraid I don't have
much to offer you

except water,
but, as you can see,

I have a nice
collection of that.

Oh, yeah.

Aqua Java, Avalon, Evian,

Clearly Canadian, Sparkletts,

Dannon, Naya, Eternal Spring...

Eternal spring? I wouldn't
know whether to drink it

or put it on my skin.

Very good, sir.
Eternal Spring, it is.

And one for your friend.

Thank you very much.

Don't be afraid of it, son.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, I love water.
I used to love booze.

I used to be a bit of
a moonshine Marty, I'm afraid,

but...

Thanks to the grace
of my higher power,

whom I choose to call my lord
and savior Jesus Christ,

I haven't had a drink
in over 5 days.

I am an alcoholic.

I'm not afraid to say that

to them, by the way.
Ha ha ha.

I used to think it was
because my uncle

inserted his index finger
into my anus

when I was kid, but...

That's all water
under the bridge now.

All right, to business.

We have a teeny problem,

and I think we can
clear it up in a second.

You've maxed out your credit card.

We just need to get
an imprint of another card.

Oh, there's a misunderstanding.

Please don't be embarrassed.
This is really nothing.

It happens all the time.

We just have a number of charges,

and we have to keep current.

It's for the meals, the massage,

the, uh, maxi bar,

in-room movies.

Men of San Francisco...

I don't think 3 times. You understand.

I've seen that one myself.
It's not that I'm judging you.

I'm here as a competitor...

It's just that I need
another credit card.

I hardly think
the world hairdressing

international federation

would have one
of their own competitors

pay for their own hotel suite.

Nevertheless,

I'm going to have to ask you

to live up to your
fiscal responsibilities,

and until that happens...

I'm going to have to hold onto this.

Uh, here at the Century Plaza,

we never like to alarm our guests.

We'll do it,

but we don't like it.

Monique,

I have a Mr. MacKenzie
here to see you.

Okay.
Tell him to wait.

I think this is her now.

Good morning. W.H.I.F.

Monique.

Hello. Hi.

Thank god. The hotel doesn't
have any record there

as regards payment.

They don't know that you...
That W.H.I.F., I mean,

are... are picking up the tab
for the competitors.

Um, well, we are
picking up the tab,

but you're not
one of the competitors.

Who are you?

Me?
I'm Crawford.

I'm Crawford MacKenzie.

You wrote to me personally,

inviting me to be part
of the hair-off.

Here.

Oh.

I... I did write this.

Um...

This is a form letter, however.

Each year, our computer
picks 100 people at random

off our associate membership list,

and we invite them to come to L.A.

To the hair-off,

but to be part of the audience
on the big night.

Ahem.

So this is just, uh...

Well, if you see here
at the bottom,

it says that we've reserved
you a hotel booking...

A courtesy hotel booking...

Everyone... the whole
lucky 100 gets it.

It's at the preferential
group rate, so...

Monique, I'm from Scotland.

Great.

In Scotland, when someone invites you

to a hair competition to participate,

it usually means
you'll be participating

in that hair competition

and not sitting in
the back row of the stalls

with 99 lucky new friends

chewing on a fucking Raisinette.

I'm sorry, and this...

This has been a dreadful
misunderstanding.

No, no, it's fine.
Really.

Honestly, it's okay.

I've come 7,000 miles

to be part of a hair competition

I'm not even in,

but it's fine.
It's really not a problem.

Let's go.
Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Look at this. $10 for
a tin of cherry cola.

Where on this bill does it say

that you have to pay for these things?

Right there, sir.

Where else does it say
that you have to pay for it?

Where else on the bill does it say that?

Whoa!

Hey!
Watch it, you punk.

Killer ride, you fat bagel!

One of yours?

Mm-hmm. sorry.

Hey, baby.

How you doing?

How you doing?

Listen, I got...

Hey, mom!

Ha ha!

That woman's bald.

Yes.

Whoo! Ah, you got a great deal, man.

Great. Yeah.

How much is it?

Yeah, I got
a double-occupancy thing.

I think it was a wise choice,

moving out of the last hotel.

It was way too flash.

Too much opulence is
bad for my instrument.

You don't feel

this is a bit of a comedown for you?

No, not at all.
I actually like it here.

I think it's a lot more cutesy.

You know, kind of charming.

I mean, look.
Look at that.

It's sweet, isn't it?

That rococo kind of design.

And I think that's the difference

between Britain and America.

Even in the Demi-luxe
category here,

they make the effort.

Mind you, you're still not
actually in the competition.

Of course I'm still in
the competition, Martin.

There's been a tiny
bureaucratic error.

It'll all be fine
tomorrow morning.

Jesus Christ.

This could be very dangerous.

It smells good.

Maybe there's
an air freshener in it.

Kind of like a potpourri
inside or something

to make the room smell nice.

I'll open the window anyway.

Can you do something about this?

Do you like spicy food?

This isn't that spicy.

Well, it is to me.

If you want hot food,

I can take you down to Mexico.

That'd be great.

If we've got time, we should do that.

We should all go down.

Turn her over.

So, what did you
get up to this morning?

I went down to Koreatown,
and I saw Chokko...

You know, Eamonn the limo driver's friend.

And, um...

He seemed like a nice guy
and everything.

Although, uh, it was
a horrible neighborhood.

I was really glad to get out.

Seemed a bit expensive
just to rent a car.

Anyway, we're mobile.

Do you want a drink or something?

I don't think you were
meant to eat them.

I think they're just garnish.

Nice ride, man.

Thank you.

I can see that you like it,
but our friend Eamonn

really pulled the cat
out of the box with this one.

I'd love to see their faces

if I drove down
Sauciehall street in this.

It's quite big, isn't it?

It's a Doris Day mobile.

The thing is, they drink petrol by the gallon.

So do half my friends in Glasgow.

So where are we going?

Monique's.

Do you really think that's a good idea?

Yeah. She is the organizer,

and it's partially my fault.

I let my ego get in the way.

We're going to let
bygones be bygones.

Anyway, she'll change her mind

when she sees my portfolio.

It's amazing.
Really, all of it.

This is just...

Thank you very much.

It's tremendous.
I mean, I... I...

Thank you.

I apologize.

I understand now why you
thought you may have been...

Really, there's no need.
It was my fault.

I lost my temper.
I'm sorry.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to put you
in the best seat in the house.

Right here, between Daniel Day-Lewis

and Carrot Top.

Thank you very much, Monique,

but I came to compete.

Right.

Ahem.

Um...

Crawford, with all due respect,

these stylists are
international stars.

Okay? 3 stylists
compete every year.

The top hairdressers in
Beverly Hills are not invited.

So, I do not know how else
I can explain that.

Monique.

I'm coming.

But I'm as good, if not better,

than any of them.

You really don't
understand, do you?

Tsk.

You mean it doesn't matter
how good you are?

Look, of course it matters,

but we don't even know
who you are, okay?

And then it could take years

before you were ever selected.

I want to enter anyway.

You can't just enter.
You have to be invited.

Then invite me.

I can't. I don't know who you are.

I'm Crawford MacKenzie.

Oy. Look...

Even if I could just let you in,

you're not even qualified to compete.

You're not even
a member of the guild.

You're not even a member of H.A.G.

At the very least,

all the stylists are
members of the guild.

It's a competition requirement, okay?

Then I'll join.

I'm sorry.

Please.

Hairdressers of America Guild.

Right. I need one day's work in a salon

to get my H.A.G. union card.

If I can't get a day's work here,

I might as well hang up
my crimping tongs

and hobble off into the sunset.

♪ He don't ♪

♪ hang around ♪

♪ with the gang no more ♪

♪ he don't do the wild things
that he did before ♪

♪ he used to act bad ♪

♪ he used to, but he quit ♪

Hi.
Hello.

Hi. I'd like to speak to Stig, please.

Do you have an appointment?

Uh, no.

Would you like to make one?

I can fit you in Tuesday at 2:00.

You misunderstand.
I'm a fellow stylist.

I'd like to speak to him personally.

I'm sorry.

You can't even speak to me
without an appointment.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

What? You're ignoring me now

because I don't have an appointment?

Ha ha. Hello!

Kimberly, let him in.

Thank you.

Welcome to Valhenna.

What an honor to finally
meet you, Mr. Ludwigssen.

I'm sure it is.

I can't really believe it.

Believe it.
I'm standing right here.

I've been a huge fan
of yours since...

I don't have all bloody day.

Can we get on with
the questions, please?

I've been using your salmon
finishing rinse on my mother,

and I've noticed, pre-drying,

a slight air of burnt toast.

Is that normal, or am I misapplying?

Excuse me, excuse me.

You. Ah, okay, wait.
Come here.

Hello, my name's Martin Samuels.

I'm making a TV...

It's a film documentary

about Crawford MacKenzie.

But... Crawford MacKenzie?

Who is Crawford MacKenzie?

I'm Crawford MacKenzie.

You?

Yes.
I'm a fellow stylist.

And I'm here
representing Scotland

in the platinum
scissors competition.

Oh. Really?

Actually, I wanted to
have a word with you,

because I've run into a bit
of a technical snag.

I don't have a H.A.G. card.

And I... you know, I need one
for the competition.

Well, of course you do, yeah.

So, I need a day's work in a salon.

Just to smooth it over.

You know what? I would
really love to help you...

Great.

But I'm not going to.

Lars.

Thank you. Good-bye.

Please.

I'm going.
Thank you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Prat.

It's the hairdressers' way.

He's anointed me, Martin.

He said, "Crawford MacKenzie,
you can do it on your own."

Any luck?

I think they wanted me,
but I couldn't work there.

There was a terrible
smell in that place.

I don't know what it was.

I think they were making a curry

out of someone's
underpants in the back.

It was foul.

Fine, I'll go.

Thank you very much.
Thank you.

No?

Racists.

Racists?

Racists.

He said to me, he said,
"We didn't like braveheart,

"we don't like whiskey,

"and we don't like your accent,

so please get out."

I don't know about you, man,

but that sounds
like racism to me.

Fair enough.

America, land of the free, huh?

H.A.G.? Don't talk to me about H.A.G.,

those loser bastards.

They've forgotten what
it's really all about.

Take a look at this.

Simple step cut
with razor edging.

It's a classic.
Exactly.

You think I could
do anything like this

in a salon in Beverly Hills?

No way, Joe-sá.

I understand.

How did you get into H.A.G.
In the first place?

How do you think?

Celeb endorsements.

Exactly. Celebrity endorsements.

Why don't you phone your
friend Sean Connery?

You don't just phone Sean Connery.

His telephone number
changes every 4 days

for security reasons.

What I did do is I got in touch
with people magazine,

and they said they didn't
have his number, either,

but they could do
the next best thing.

They put me in touch
with his publicist.

You're always looking
to dig the dirt,

aren't you, Martin?

I think it's a problem with you.

Hello. Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. I'd like to speak
to Candy Harper, please.

Do you have an appointment?

No, but my name's
Crawford MacKenzie.

I'm a friend of Sean Connery's.

You know Sean Connery?

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

He's a client here,
but I've never met him.

He was so rad in Zardoz.

Yeah.

Uh, Candy, there's
a Crawford MacKenzie

here to see you.

Is he on the list?

No, but he's a friend
of Sean Connery's.

Does he have an appointment?

No.

Well?

I'm sorry. Candy can't possibly see you

without an appointment.

Could you call and make one maybe?

I'm afraid not.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to
go above your head, dear,

but this is a Scottish matter.

You really think this brown
shows really bad, huh?

Hi. Hello. David Hasselhoff,
I'm Crawford MacKenzie.

Hi.

You're a god in Scotland.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Excuse me. This is not
a scheduled interview.

Who are you?

Why, you're the woman
from the airport.

Are you Candy Harper?

And who are you?

My name is Martin Samuels.

I'm making a documentary
for British television.

David, this is a nice surprise,

and may I say on a personal note,

my niece just got
her lifesaving certificate.

Terrific. let me
wish her the best.

I was wondering, you know,
when you're on the beach,

the sun and the sea and the sand,

it must play havoc with your hair.

What kind of products do you use?

Candy, I got to be going.

Um, the German tour.
Okay, see you then.

Thank you very much,

and hello to all my fans
in Scotland.

What do you want?

Oh, I'm sorry to barge
in on you like this,

but I'm a friend of Sean Connery's.

I was wondering if you
could put me in touch.

Mr. Connery is
teeing off right now.

Well, I think he would
be a bit annoyed

if he knew I'd been here,

and his representatives
hadn't put me...

Well, I'm sure he'll fire me.

Why don't you give
gretle your number?

We'll get him in touch with you.

Look, it says here, and I quote...

"Sean Connery sees himself

as an ambassador for scots
all over the place."

Well, I'm Scottish,
I'm all over the place,

and I demand to see
the ambassador.

Gretle!

Sorry.

Fine, I'll go,

but let me just say one thing.

I think that your behavior
is indicative

of the petty-minded
bureaucratic stuff

that Sean has been fighting
against his whole life.

Pantene Pro-V

with a generic brand alkali conditioner,

using a non-soluble finishing rinse.

Held in place
with a flammable stiffener.

Are you mad?

How did you know?

A hair professional knows.

Wow.

Let me just say one thing.

If this level of abuse
continues,

in future, when you
have your hair done,

you won't necessarily
have to be there.

I could help you, of course,
but given the situation...

I'm not giving you his number.

3 words...

Telly...

And...

Savalas.

The problem
with all the products

you've been using

is that they're all
alcohol-based.

What difference does that make?

Well, in layman's terms,
it means your hair is drunk.

You've got thousands
of wee alcoholics

growing out of your head.

That's why your hair's
powerless and unmanageable.

It has to go into rehab.

First things first.

No, it's all right.

Kiwi volumizing reconstructor.

It's CPR for hair.

I'm surprised Stig
hasn't told you about it.

He doesn't do my hair.

That's obvious.
I meant as a friend.

Well, I only met him the other day.

He was out doing a client's
hair at the airport.

Why are you here?

I'm representing Scotland

in the platinum scissors.

Oh, really?

Monique didn't tell me

there was a Scottish competitor.

Oh, yeah.

So you don't really
know Sean at all.

I do. I got him
out of a jam once,

and he owes me a favor.

What kind of a jam?

Loose lips sink ships.
Stay still.

Ooh.

Ooh, got a wee bit on my finger.

It's not leaking, is it?

It's not leaking yet.
No.

Can you keep your head
in one place for a minute?

That's what they all say. Pfff!

♪ I like Jerry springer ♪

♪ I'm a sexy swinger, yeah ♪

done.

I was thinking of
cutting it really short.

How long has it been?

What?

In my experience,

women cut their hair
really short

for one of two reasons...

Either they've gone through
a nasty breakup with a man,

or they're heavily involved

in the world of ladies' golf.

I'm looking at you,

and I'm not seeing
much of a putter.

Oh, poor thing.

Really.

Ladies and gentlemen,

may I present your employer...

Miss Candice Margaret
Hilda Harper.

That's great.
It looks fabulous.

I just love it.

Hello, Mr. Connery.
It's Crawford MacKenzie.

Actually, I was a fan of yours

long before we met.

I never really got a chance

to properly compliment you
on the subaquatic segments

of never say never again.

What was it like working
with Barbara carrera?

That sounds fine, honey.

Now just dial the number.

Hello, 007?
It's the hair master.

Are you concerned

that Sean might not
remember you?

Do you think
I could have some privacy,

please, Martin?

Come on.
Just call him, man.

Come on.

All right, all right.
Why don't you just go back?

Okay? hello.

Martin, why don't you
just go back?

Go on, bugger off.

Why don't you go
to the lap-dancing bar

you were in last night?

Did you have your camera
running then?

Cut.
Did you, eh?

Sean, it's Crawford.
Sean, it's Crawford.

Sean, it's Crawford.

Hi, Sean.
It's Crawford MacKenzie.

You probably don't remember me,

but I was the one that
steam cleaned your hairpiece

at gleneagles when it blew off

at the fourth green during
the Benny hill pro-am.

Ha ha!
Happy days.

Anyway, I was wondering

if you could write
a letter to H.A.G.

Telling them
what a great hairdr...

Thank you very much.

Have you got the Hollywood sign in?

Turn over.

Right, so it's just
jogging and talking.

Okay.

Ahem.
Sean was busy.

He's a busy man,

but he did suggest maybe I would like

to schmooze Candy a little more.

Schmooze is an old yiddish word.

It means talking business

and eating a snack
at the same time.

I think lentl says it
to one of his henchmen

in Fiddler on a hot tin roof.

Anyway, the point being,

I've arranged to have
my first power lunch.

Oh, great.
Yeah.

That's really good.

Did you get
the Hollywood sign in?

Thanks for having lunch with me.

That's all right.
I always have lunch...

Sometimes several times a day.

Ha ha.

Anyway, the reason I wanted
to talk to you was...

Excuse me. Hi.

I'm very excited to tell you
about our specials today.

As an appetizer, we have
the pita knapsack

of Haitian tribal cruditás.

As an entráe, we have
the whole poached

Numidian hen.

That's pan-seared in its own juices

and then flash-fried before being encased

in its own filo kingdom

and surrounded by a moat

of luminous chive custard.

It's well worth the 15-minute wait.

We'll have 2 Caesar salads.

Excellent choice.

Anyway, the reason I wanted...

No. Before you say a word,

I have got to tell you something.

You really cheered me up the other day.

You are the first person
I have met in a long time

who I felt could be a real friend

and not always be after something.

Jerry and I

are going to give it another try.

Ohh. I really think it has
a lot to do

with this makeover
that you gave me.

Mmm.

I really feel attractive again.

Well, you see, it's
not just about the hair.

It's about the healing.

You are so right.

That's why Jerry and I
are going to spend

the weekend in Santa Barbara

at a psychic friends
tennis retreat.

Mmm.

Lovely.
What's that?

It's a tennis retreat...

Psychic friends weekend
in Santa Barbara...

That Jerry and I are
going to over the weekend.

Great.
Mmm.

Hey...

Candy.

Hey, Johnny.

Hey, fruit cup.

Stig.

Look at you.

My god, you look sensational.

Whoo!
You're glowing.

Ha! Who is laying you, huh?

You can tell me.

What is it, Hercules?

God.

By the way, I want
to thank you again

for coming out to the airport

to do Harrison's hair.

Eh.
He was thrilled.

Well, of course he was.

Hey, Scottish.

From my salon, right?

Lovely to see you again.

Oh, that's the guy
I was telling you...

Look out, Stig.
He's going to give you

a run for your money in
the platinum scissors.

Yeah, sure.

He can't even get a job
sweeping the floor

in my salon for a H.A.G. Card.

Stig.

Well... listen. Hey,

next month, it's loser's day.

Come back.
I piss on your head.

Piss on your head.

There's a camera.

He is such an asshole.

Wait, wait, wait.

Breathe.

So let me get this straight.

You can't get into
the platinum scissors

without a H.A.G. card?

No.
So why didn't you just tell me?

I was going to, but then
you said all that nice stuff

about being your friend.

You are my friend.

I can get you the card.

Thank you.

It's my town, remember?

Come by my office
by the end of the day.

I'll get you a job that'll
make you H.A.G. eligible.

Hey!

Hey, hold on!

Wait a minute!

Excuse me, this is my car.

What...
Okay, okay. So...

You must be ming tai-pei.

Strange.
You don't look like

a 78-year-old Asian chef
from Koreatown.

I don't know who
you're talking about.

This is my car.
I rented it this morning.

Yes, he did.
Shut it.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

This car is a stolen vehicle,

and you're under arrest, ming.

Where the hell were you?

I posted bail,

but they wouldn't let you out
until this morning.

Creep.

Where's the car?

They wouldn't give me the bloody car!

They wouldn't make any bloody arrest,

because of insufficient bloody evidence.

I'm lucky I wasn't deported.

Well, that's it.

I'm going to go down to Koreatown.

I'm going to sort out
this Chokko character.

Koreatown?
I'm not sure...

That is very dangerous.

Chokko, it's Crawford MacKenzie.

I'd like to speak to you
about the car.

Don't hang around here, áse!

It wasn't your car
to rent. Come on, Chokko.

I don't think this is
a very good idea.

We should... I think we should
probably leave now.

Oh, god.

Aw, I've wet my trousers.

So, you've come all this way,

and now you're just going to give up

the chance of a lifetime?

Yes.

Right.

Let me tell you something, Martin.

There are many things I'm
willing to do for my art,

but being attacked by a team
of crack Korean marksmen

is not one of them, okay?

Oh...

Man...

I am so sorry.

I, um...

Heard what happened with the car,

and I just ran down here
as soon as I heard.

I told that dude Chokko...

I told him, "I'm never doing
business with you again."

Oh, I'm so happy, Eamonn.

I am so happy.

I'm happy to know that had I died,

had I actually been shot to death,

I would not have died in vain,

because your business affairs

would've been kept in order.

I'm just happy
you're all right, bro.

I am not your brother.

Crawford?

Crawford.

What?

Where the hell have you been?

Didn't you get my messages?

Sorry. I was being raped in prison.

You shouldn't be out enjoying yourself

when you've got work to do.

I don't care.

I got you a job...

A runway show.

You've got to be there in an hour.

Candy, I'm going home.

Yeah, he is. Yeah.

This is a H.A.G. job.

You do this, you get
into the competition.

Now come on, come on.

But my car was impounded.

Dude, no problem. I'll drive.

Damn right,
you will, you big toe rag.

Candy, Eamonn. Eamonn, Candy.
Come on, let's go.

Christ.

Welcome to the kingdom of joy.

Oh. Candy Harper for Betty Fuego.

Did you pack your own
bags today, sir?

Uh, yeah.

Bringing in any alcohol,

knifes, handguns, drugs,

cocaine, heroin,
or any other opiates?

Excuse me.
Hi.

Wearing gang colors
back there, ma'am?

I'm Candy Harper.

This is Crawford MacKenzie.

We're here for Betty Fuego.

Okay, that's way too many names.

Harper. Candy Harper.

Oh, yeah. Okay, got 3 walk-on passes.

Right. you're going to have
to back this rig on up

to lot "z"

and walk it on in.

If we could just take...

Back it up!
Let's go.

Crawford?

Crawford MacKenzie?

Hi. Candy, I am so sorry

about the mix-up at the gate.

So I've been here for 4 years,

and this is really
my home away from home.

That's great.
Where are my models?

Oh. Um...

They like to be called actors.

It's a local convention.

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

This is the dressing room.

Oh, hi, Betty.
Hi, guys.

But Candy said you'd be
happy to do this...

That... that you wanted
your H.A.G. card.

This is ridiculous.

I'm a hairdresser.
I'm not a vet.

Then I'm just going
to have to tell the actors

that the show is canceled.

Hey, hey, hey.

Let go of your ego.

Just go out there and do your job.

I do hair.
I don't do plumage.

I'm disappointed in you.

Do you know how many
strings I had to pull

to make this happen?

Pull strings? They're
4 mental method actors

in animal costumes.

Listen to me.
It cost me 300 bucks

to get rid
of the regular stylist.

Did it?

Yes.

Oh, hey, listen, everybody,

just a little note
from last performance.

Remember, during
the foraging part,

let's see some more detail

on what food you're looking for, okay?

Reach inside your actor's toolbox.

Hey, I'm Eamonn.

I'm Crawford's driver. Hey.

I just want you to go out
there and kick some butt.

Stop with the hopping.

I'm looking for my carrots.

It's a damn kids' show.

Oh, no, no.

We got a new agent coming today.

She's got a new agency in Palm Springs.

I've been trying to get
into the extras guild.

It's a pain, you know?

Once I'm finished with this,

it's going to look like Elvis Presley.

A sort of woodland
creature Elvis Presley,

but it'll be Elvis Presley nonetheless.

Would you stop with
the hop-hopping already?

I'm working.
I'm working, all right?

I'm a bunny.

Animals, animals, a little
peace in the kingdom,

if you please.

Bear, bear, come on, hibernate.

Hibernate.

Now, look, I know we've
only had a short time

to pull this thing together,

but I think we've done
a bloody good job.

No, Crawford, you've done
a bloody good job.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you, thank you.
Come here, come here.

Everyone, rub the back
of the animal next to you.

Come on. Ahh.
There you are.

God...

Grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change.

♪ Hey, kids, remember ♪

♪ there's a good touch
and a bad touch ♪

♪ don't be chicken ♪

♪ to say no to drugs ♪

♪ no, no, no ♪

♪ a hip and a hop ♪

♪ oh, yeah ♪

♪ but I ain't no gangsta ♪

♪ a boom bay boom ba boom bay ♪

♪ doo ba da ba ♪

Thank you.
That was fantastic.

It was the best show ever.

It was fabulous.
You were great.

You were great.

Finalmente.
Crawford MacKenzie...

Member, H.A.G.

but you're still
not in the competition.

He will be.

Yes.

Eamonn, where's a good
place to go dancing?

Depends what you want.

You ever been to Club Spartacus?

I've been by it.

You ought to take him there.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

Ohh.

Ho ho.

Oh, you look amazing, man.

It's just a little something

I threw together.

It's a sort of Braveheart

meets Liberace,

or si tu práfáres...

Bravace.

Ohh!

I love it so much here.

My god, look at that.

I've never... there's nothing
like this in Scotland.

I mean, just nothing like it.

The whole freedom of the place

really just makes me feel so...

Jesus! oh, my...

♪ I must be dreaming ♪

♪ I must be dreaming ♪

♪ I must be dreaming ♪

♪ yeah, yeah ♪

I'm Crawford MacKenzie.

I'm a hairdresser.

I'm a fellow stylist.

♪ I must be dreaming ♪

♪ I must be dreaming ♪

You are now licensed to style,

weave, and cut

in the state of California.

Mr. MacKenzie, congratulations.

Thank you.

The great thing about
having a H.A.G. card

is it can get you into
any hair event in the world,

whether it's Vidal Sassoon's
quick-rinse rodeo

or Stig Ludwigssen talking
about modern hair products.

Anyway, I couldn't wait
to show Monique Geingold

my H.A.G. card.

You see, the problem with
the modern hair care products

is that they are homogenized.

They're pasteurized.
They're fried.

They're shaked.
They're baked.

They're not real.

But at Valhenna,

we are already in the 21st century.

We're going back to nature.

We say to nature,
"hello, nature.

"Look, we're sorry
about the ozone layer,

"but could we please borrow
a few fish

to make our ladies
beautiful again?"

You see it?
It goes quickly, right?

It's a fluke.

Used to swim like this,
now it swims like this.

We have it reduced here
into a paste.

It's a special dandelion and
a kind of a juju muck paste.

We took this whole fish,

and we put it into a bottle.

And then we gently massage it

right into the scalp.

Okay. Thank you very much.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Um, and then I did a documentary

about the prawn fishing
in the Philippines,

which was, I mean...
Mmm.

It's staggering,

the level of poverty
that they live at,

and I'd love you to see it.

So, was it good for you?

Brilliant.

Always.

What, what, what?
Behave.

Behave? I can't behave.
I never had parents.

I'm at work.

Hi, Monique.
Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Ta-da.

Congratulations.
Thanks.

That's great.

So?

So...

So, what?

So now he can be
in the hair-off.

Candy.

Crawford, I can't let
you in the hair-off

just because you got
your H.A.G. card.

You told me I could
get in the hair-off

if I got my H.A.G. card.

No, I did not.

Darling, it's much more
than a H.A.G. thing.

I'm sorry.

Listen, I respect you
as an artist, okay?

I do, and...

And I love the BBC, okay?

I love masterpiece theatre,

only, you're not getting
into my competition,

all right?

That's not fair.
You lied.

Excuse me.

I will not be bullied, all right?

Hey, hey, Scottish, what...

Oh. Still making a film

about a man who can't find a job?

Ha ha!
Oh, god.

Hey, I give you a job, huh?

Kiss my ass.

Don't be such a prick.

Monique, give him a break. Please?

Okay, everyone admires
your little charity work,

but, really,
why waste your time?

Aren't you carrying around

enough excess baggage as it is?

Forget about her.

She's just a stupid
Beverly Hills tart

held together by hair spray
and pantyhose.

This isn't about Monique.
It's about Jerry.

Oh, no.

Something happened

at the psychic friends
tennis retreat?

I caught him with another woman.

I should've seen it coming.

He was all over her at
the premonition brunch,

which is actually held
the night before.

Poor thing.

Why is it we always love the men

who cause us the most pain?

I know.

One night in Glasgow,

I was mistaken for a Belgian soccer fan

by 4 sailors who beat me senseless.

I still keep in touch with one of them...

Donald.

Up and down again. Bonus shot now.

Off the rim, wild scramble
for the ball...

There's two girls over there kissing.

So, do you feel your time here

has been completely wasted?

You know what, Martin?

You talk too much.

...for tomorrow night's

international platinum
scissors competition.

Maverick billionaire
industrialist

Warren Crockett is also in town.

Although one of his companies
is sponsoring the competition,

it seems unlikely
that the enigmatic tycoon

will actually be watching
tomorrow night.

Listen, I don't mind
if a bunch of soft boys

get together here
and snip a little hair

as long as it sells a few crates

of salon juice for me.

If I know
senator Crockett at all,

he'll be spending the weekend

on his private
golf course in brentwood.

He spent, what, $20 million?

You're close... 25 million.

But then again,
when your golfing pals

are, like, Tiger Woods
and Sean Connery,

you spare no expense,
you know what I'm saying?

I guess not.

Favored again for
the third year running

is world champion stylist
Stig Ludwigssen.

I feel great, really.

I'm young. I'm fit.

I'm tingly, sexy, cool.

Hey, that's it.
You guys are out of here.

Calm down.

Sorry. He's upset
with this jet lag thing.

Psst.

Psst.

Seamus can't find his trousers.

I've got my passport in them.

Here, do you know where the, uh...

Do you know where the coffee is?

Jesus Christ.

Sorry.

Get out.

Out, out.

Good morning, tiger.

Stop that.
Don't call me that.

Stop that. I'm gay,
I'm gay, I'm gay.

You could've fooled me last night.

Boy, the things
you were doing to me...

Where did you learn that stuff?

You're a total animal.

Ha ha! And why did you keep
calling me Gareth?

I did not.

"Gareth! Gareth!"

What is this?

Mmm.
It's a rainmaker.

It sounds like
a toilet flushing.

Well, you don't have to worry.

You couldn't have done anything

even if you wanted to.

Of course, he's doing wonders
for my self-esteem.

Sorry, Candy.

I adore you.
I really do.

Mmm.

It's just that...

I prefer my women with a penis.

I made such a fool of myself.

Eat your breakfast.

Coming over here, trying
to be part of a competition

I'm not even invited to.

It's like coming
to the Olympic Games

in a pair of shorts and saying,

"okay, where's my javelin?"

It just doesn't happen, does it?

I'm glad you're here.

I'm just sorry you're such a pussy.

Think you're the first person

to get knocked around
by Tinseltown?

You think this kind
of crap doesn't happen

to every single person
that gets off the bus?

Ohh.

Ohh.

Well...

Let me tell you something, buddy.

You got big dreams?

You want fame?
Well, fame costs.

And right here is where
you start paying...

In sweat.

Ahh!

Are you all right?

You're a great hairdresser, right?

I don't even know anymore.

Are you a great hairdresser?

Yes or no.

Is he a great hairdresser?

Yes, he is.

Are you a great hairdresser?

Yes, I am.

Well, then you can win
this hair-off.

I can't even get into
this hair-off.

If you could get in,
you could win, right?

Yeah.

Finish your cocoa puffs.

Candy was wonderful.

I knew she was
well-connected in Hollywood,

but I never dreamed she'd get

America's comedy heavyweight,
Mr. Drew Carey,

to come to lunch
at the flick of a hat.

How many, please?

I think you're going
right to features.

Watch out, Denzel.

Excuse me.

Someone would like a word with you.

Hi. Drew.

There's only a few things
I love in life, Monique.

I love little puppies at Christmas.

I love the sound the water makes

when it hits the pillars

under the bridge
of sighs in venice,

I love leather underwear.

Great.

But most of all, Monique,

I love what that man
does with hair.

Thank you.

Don't ever make me
tell you that again, okay?

Shh. Shh.

Drew Carey is not Jewish,

but nevertheless,

he is an expert
in the art of schmoozing.

In no time at all,

he had Monique Geingold
eating out of his hand,

hook, line, and sinker.

The upshot of it
was we were summoned

to a powwow at Monique's office.

I wore my blue sweater.

As you both know,

the platinum scissors
competition has been

hosted by Warren Crockett
for the past 25 years.

Due to the exceptional
nature of this situation,

I called the senator
at home this morning.

You are a remarkable
artist, Crawford.

That's without a doubt,
and the impression

that you've made on this town
in such a short time

is unparalleled.

Thank you.

Despite your phenomenal effort,

the senator has decided
not to include

another stylist in
this year's competition.

I'm sorry.

Monique...

Candy, I'm sorry.

Thank you for your time.

Like a mint?

The hardest part about all of this

was that it really wasn't about me.

It was about
the people back home...

Mr. Patel, Frank the postman,

Margaret, Gareth, mother...

The ones who've never won
anything in their lives,

let alone an international
hairdressing prize.

This was for the little people.

And we all know what happens

to the little people, don't we?

They get trodden on
by the big people.

Clumsy big people with big feet...

Crushing little people
on the pavement of life.

Dreams squashed like insects

on the giant shoes of fate.

It's just sad.

Hello, this is Sean Connery.

I'd like to speak to
Senator Crockett, please.

Hello, Warren.
How are you? It's Sean.

Pull it!

Great shot!

It's a great place
you've got here.

It's really beautiful.
Really.

Yeah? Pull it.

Aah!

You got it again.

Come on up.

I've known Sean Connery
for 25 years,

and yours is by far
the worst impersonation

I've ever heard.

You tried to deceive me,

and I find that very...

charming.

Heh.

Now, what the hell do you want?

I need a favor.

So why should I do you a favor?

I studied up on you, Mr. Crockett.

You started with nothing.
Now you rule the world.

Not Belgium.

It couldn't have been easy being

the only American child
in a Shanghai orphanage.

16 kids to a hammock,
Mr. MacKenzie.

What's your point?

It's not like your empire

sprung out of the ground
fully formed.

You started off with
a dry-cleaning store in Manila.

By the time you were 25,

you were the most successful
businessman in Asia.

The garment industry, rubber,

tin mining, cosmetics.

You think I owe the universe a favor,

and you want to call it in.

Ha ha ha!

Son...

You've got balls of dynamite.

Ha ha ha ha!

Thank you. Really.
Thanks very much.

Sure.

Take care, kid.

Cheerio.

Give 'em hell, Crawford!

The stars are out
in force tonight

for L.A.'s annual
hair extravaganza.

Giuseppe Franco,
how are you this evening?

Veronica, how are you
this evening?

Jose, how are you this evening?

Stig Ludwigssen...

A big gorgeous kiss of talent.

He's got balls like this.

I think Stig will.

Everyone who is anyone
in hair is here

to watch the world's
top stylists

compete for the ultimate prize...

The platinum scissors.

So, this is the night
we've been working towards.

How do you feel?

I feel great, actually.

I feel like William Wallace
must have felt

before the battle
of Stirling Bridge,

only my hair's not as puffy
and unkempt, obviously.

Candy, hello. Mmm.

We are so thrilled and honored

that you could make it.

I tried so hard to get you in.

I'm just glad it all
came together in the end.

How is the senator?

He's great.
He's great.

Candy!
Hi, fruit cup.

Oh, Johnny.

Mmm. grr.

Well, so, Scottish.

Finally made it, huh?

Well, I always knew you would.

Right?
Didn't I say that?

You know, you have
ambition, determination.

Hey, you remind me of me.

Ha ha ha!

That's true.

I hope not too much.

Ha ha ha!
Right? Okay.

Congratulations, Crawford,

and good luck, really.

Thank you very much.

And good luck to you.

Okay. Mmm!

Hey, hey, listen.

Why did you say
good luck to him?

I was just being polite.

I didn't mean it.

Wait, Johnny...

What?

Is this poo-snacker any good?

Obviously, he must be pretty
good if he's here, right?

Anything you need,

I'll be right outside.

Okay, thanks.

Thank you.

Well, let's get
a drink. Crawford?

You go ahead. I'll be
with you in a minute.

All right.
Come on.

Are you saying that
he is better than me?

Ha ha!
Come on, Stig.

No one's better than you.
Just relax.

I'm just saying there
must be rules, you know?

Why did Crockett let him in
in the first place?

I don't get it.

I guess he's probably
Crockett's bum chum.

Oh, I'm pretty sure
that Crockett's not gay.

Hey, hey.

Just step over here
for a second.

I want to tell you something.

Don't you fuck with me.

Don't fuck with me.

Don't you ever fuck with me, Johnny.

Good luck, Stig.
Sexy-cool.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

I'm your host Tony bolero.

Hi, how are you?

Thank you so much.

Let's start.

Let's find out
what all the fuss is about.

And here it is...

The priceless platinum scissors.

Crawford?

Crawford!

Crawford!

He's not in here!

Sorry. Crawford?

Crawford? Crawford?

Go away. I'm having
a panic attack.

Honey, let's talk.
Open the door.

I want to go home.

You can't go home, man!

Go.

Their origin
is shrouded in mystery.

All that is known

is that they were
originally hand-smelted

for Czar Nicholas II of Russia

by Carl Fabergé himself.

Just open the door, honey.

Let me in.

I think I may be having a stroke.

Aah!

Did you feel that?

Yes!

Then it's not a stroke.

Come on.

That's a good boy.

All right, here we go.

Nicki, you'll be with Crawford.

Kimora, you'll be
with Dick, of course.

Dave and Contrelle, together as always.

Kylie, thanks for being
with Stig again.

I know how busy you are these days.

In 1941, top Nazi Adolf Hitler

almost got his fascist
fingers on these scissors

were it not for the bravery
of French resistance fighters

who intercepted
these very scissors

on their way to berchtegaden.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it gives me chills

to stand so near the magnificent
platinum scissors.

All right, gentlemen,
the running order is as follows.

Crawford, you'll be first.

Dick, you're in second,
followed by Dave,

and Stig, as champion,
you'll be last.

Gentlemen...

to your tongs.

And as the excitement grows,

let's meet the judges.

First, the confessed
bad boy of hair himself,

the one, the only,

Giuseppe Franco,
ladies and gentlemen.

Celtic salon impresario

from Merthyr Tydfil
in South Wales,

Titch Jones!

The king of all products,

John Paul Mitchell

and the lovely Elois Dejoria.

I'm not sweating now.

When I start sweating, you'll know it.

Now.

Now. Now.

Yes.

We have one hour to go.

For my friends
south of the border,

60 minutos to go.

Aah!

What is going on?

Oh, god.

Someone put some red dye
in all his products.

His mousse, his serums,
his volumizers.

What does it matter?
It's over now.

That's it.
We're screwed.

I'm sorry.

We'll get 'em next year, man.

What did you say?

There's always next year.
We'll get 'em.

No. there's not always
a next year.

Candy, go get me a pretty girl.

You don't have time.

I'll get you more time.

Good. Thank you.

Eamonn, that material on the couch.

Candy, a pretty girl, please!

Crawford, listen.

I got a lot of volumizers.

You're welcome to them, mate.

Thanks, Dave.
I'll come through.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
I know you've been waiting,

and we are going
to have a competition.

There has been
a slight mishap backstage.

We will be changing
the order of our competitors.

Our newcomer, Crawford MacKenzie
from Scotland,

will be going last this evening.

But I assure you
the competition will be stiff,

so enjoy yourselves.

Do what I do.
Drink more.

Thank you.

Monique! Monique!

Stig has to go last.

He's the champion.

You can't put the Scottish
freak show on after him.

Veronica!

Hi, how are you doing?

Hi. Great.

I'm so excited. I always
wanted to be in this.

I mean, you're not even
famous... I'm sorry.

I'm telling you, he's gonna walk,

and then you are
going to be screwed.

Okay, if Stig walks,
he's disqualified.

He's this close to being
disqualified already,

and you know why.

Oh, come on, Monique.

Stig had nothing to do with that.

Blow me.

I have to get to know
your head first.

We've got some rubber cement here.

It's not gonna hurt your hair.

You have your pastry.

I have to calm down
just a little.

And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for...

The main event.

One stylist...

One model...

One hairdo, one shot...

At the big prize.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

our first contestant of
the evening, Mr. Dick Miyake!

What Dick is saying is "the transition

from monk to hairdresser
was a painful one for me."

Give me some of that.

Veronica, put your fingers...

We're actually going to bring you up.

"My ancestors guide my hands

as I create
my hair sculptures."

Arigato.

And now, first off,
a style created especially

for this evening's
competition by Dick Miyake,

and he simply calls it
"House of the Rising Sun."

I don't want that.

Candy, I'm sorry.

Put cheese in my hair?

It's gonna work.

Gonna ruin my hair.

Oh, ho, no, that's looking great.

It's looking great.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dick Miyake,

Kimora, and
"The House of the Rising Sun."

All right, let's check these scores.

9.7, 9.7,

John Paul Mitchell,
9.8. Beautiful.

And 9.7, 9.8, 9.7.

Great scores for Dick Miyake!

If this is the beginning,
imagine what is to come.

But don't imagine long,

because here comes our
British invader, Dave London.

And here's Dave in repose
at his favorite English pub.

This is where my career really took off.

I come in here one day,

sitting there having a dump

was her royal highness
Lady Bubbles Banks Frampton.

So I gives her a cut,
she shows her friends,

they loves it.

Bob's your uncle, next thing you know,

I'm an international
hairdressing sensation.

Which is amazing really,

'cause I only came in here for a shit.

Here we go!

Dave London and
his magical creation...

"Wembley Wonderland."

♪ God save our gracious queen ♪

♪ long live our noble queen ♪

♪ god save the queen ♪

This is going to be the one.

Do you love me?

Absolutely adore you.

Over there on the shelf.

We're going to win
if you can get there.

I don't want to breathe.

♪ God save the queen ♪

Dave London!

As the prince called him,
the enfant terrible...

Let's look at our scores.

9.9, 9.9, 9.9...

9.9, 9.9, 9.9!

No, I want that.

Oh, my!

Ladies and gentlemen,

now the moment you've been waiting for.

You can almost style the tension
in this room with a comb.

Ha ha ha!

It is my great pleasure to present

a close personal friend of mine

and the free-form
hairstyling champion...

Stig Ludwigssen!

Crawford, did you use the cheese?

The cheese isn't in there.

I feel something
starting to harden.

That's just me, darling.
I'm excited.

Because I love people,

and people love me.

Because I love life,
and I love to live.

And sometimes
other people say to me...

But not the same people.
Different people,

they say to me,

"Stig, you are too kind to people.

You really are too nice to people."

I say to them,
"if you can't be nice to people,

get the hell out of my salon."

From Trondheim, Norway,
Stig Ludwigssen,

with New Zealand's own
Kylie Bax...

And his creation, "Odin's Longboat."

♪ On and on and on ♪

♪ we are the champions ♪

♪ my friends ♪

♪ and we'll keep on fighting ♪

♪ till the end ♪

♪ we are the champions ♪

Can I hold that for you?

Blow dryer!

Come on, come on!

Great.

Where's my wire cutter?

Don't get your knickers in a twist.

Who's got a soldering iron?

Don't move!

Blow dryer?

That's it! We're done!

♪ We are the champions ♪

♪ we are the champions ♪

♪ no time... ♪

Stig Ludwigssen, ladies and gentlemen.

Reigning world champion!

Unbelievable!

Let's look at the scores.

10, 10, 10...

10, 10, 10!

Yes! yes!

All I can say is it's what I expected.

Maybe someday, you never know.

You should have won.
Really.

Maybe someday, you never know.

Unfortunately, our Scottish
competitor Crawford MacKenzie

was such a late entry,
we couldn't make a film for him.

But I think we have
something very exciting.

Maybe even better.

With his model, Veronica Webb,

Crawford MacKenzie's
"Flower of Scotland."

Bravo!

Oh, my!

This is going to be difficult, indeed.

Judges, you must make
your decisions now.

As we look at the scoreboard...

Señora, we must ask for your vote.

11, John Paul Mitchell...

Elois, 11...

11! Giuseppe Franco, 11!

Titch Jones, 11!

What a competition!

It looks like we have
a new world champion!

The platinum scissors

will belong to Crawford MacKenzie!

We won!

Crawford! Crawford!

If you're looking for
representation, call me.

Crawford! Crawford!
Crawford!

Thank you for everything.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have a new hairdressing
champion of the world...

Crawford MacKenzie!

I knew it.

I knew it all along.

I'm so proud.
Candy.

You hate this, don't you?

No, no. All I'm gonna say
is this to you, okay?

We have hair competition,
or is it a toy show?

That's the thing.

I gotta go now.
Turn that off.

Thank you.

I felt sorry for Stig Ludwigssen.

To go from being top Norwegian

to just another
Scandinavian hairdresser

must be a pretty
tough nut to swallow.

When I look back
on the whole thing now,

I feel I've grown,

both spiritually and as a hairdresser.

Was it hard to leave California?

No.
It's just like Scotland

with palm trees
and better dental care.

I wanted to go home.

I wanted to see my friends.

And you know what?
I was dying for a curry.

Surprise!
Surprise!

Welcome back, Mr. MacKenzie.

Thank you!

Well done!

Welcome home, son.

Scotland's proud of you.

I'm proud of Scotland.

Let's party!

That's it.

Now...

Who's for a haircut?

♪ All the leaves are brown ♪

♪ all the leaves are brown ♪

♪ and the sky is gray ♪

♪ and the sky is gray ♪

♪ I've been for a walk ♪

♪ on a winter's day ♪

♪ on a winter's day ♪

♪ I'd be safe and warm ♪

♪ safe and warm ♪

♪ if I was in L.A. ♪

♪ If I was in L.A. ♪

♪ California dreamin' ♪

♪ California dreamin' ♪

♪ on such a winter's day ♪

♪ stopped into a church ♪

♪ I passed along the way ♪

♪ well, I got down on my knees ♪

♪ on my knees ♪

♪ and I pretend to pray ♪

♪ pretend to pray ♪

♪ you know, the preacher
likes the cold ♪

♪ likes the cold ♪

♪ he knows I'm gonna stay ♪

♪ knows I'm gonna stay ♪

♪ California dreamin' ♪

♪ California dreamin' ♪

♪ on such a winter's day ♪

♪ California ♪

♪ all the leaves are brown ♪

♪ all the leaves are brown ♪

♪ and the sky is gray ♪

♪ and the sky is gray ♪

♪ I've been for a walk ♪

♪ for a walk ♪

♪ on a winter's day ♪

♪ on a winter's day ♪

♪ if I didn't tell her ♪

♪ if I didn't tell her ♪

♪ I could leave today ♪

♪ I could leave today ♪

♪ California dreamin' ♪

♪ California dreamin' ♪

♪ on such a winter's day ♪

♪ California dreamin' ♪

♪ on such a winter's day ♪

♪ California dreamin' ♪

♪ on such a winter's day ♪

♪ on such a winter's day ♪